Bobby Lee w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

(upbeat music) - But, you know what I mean? I love you guys so much. Really good to be here. Thanks for having me here. - Thank you. - Right. - What a pleasure to see you guys two days in a row. (laughing) - You and your skateboarding ass will for laugh. - Cheers. - Cheers, buddy. - Welcome to-- - Cheers to the special. - So we, so we, uh. - Hulu, baby. - Hulu, hulu, hulu. - The hulu first. - Yeah, but you know what? - Netflix is a joke. - Whoa. - Yeah, it's good. - We here for them. - That was quite the party today. - So, uh, every year, so let your fans know. - We were just in the Netflix brunch. - So there's a brunch every year. And so, Andrew and I, Santino, headliner. - Whoa. - Big deal. - Yes. - Them in movies. - Wow. - He hasn't? - No, no. - I am D.A.V. him, dude. - I'm really. - No, we tried to get him. - He was busy. We tried to get him to this. - He was a house party, dude. - Whoa. - With Kevin Hart, he did. Davey. - Whoa. - Dave. - No, we, Dave. - Dave, whatever. - All right. - All right. - Anyway, so every year. - We know Andrew. He said no. - We gotta do. - Come on, man. - I said the same joke a second ago. - Oh, he got nothing to do. - Yeah, he got nothing to do. - That was a good idea. - I hit it when you make the joke. No one hears it. And then the next guy makes the joke. - That's a joke. - Either one of them wasn't a joke. - No, we did. - We did try, for him. - No, I think we went negative. I think we went negative off from because I was just like, what the fuck are we doing? You know what I mean? So anyway, every year, me and Andrew put up that photo of the Netflix brunch and we pretend where we would be sitting. So I was like, I would be in the Asian section with you know what I mean? Ken Jeong and who do you mean? - Sure. - And who do you mean? - We met him for the first time. We've met him for the first time. - Whatever their names are, you know what I mean? - Jimmy O'Yay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Tom Tom Tom, or whatever, right? - Yeah. - But I don't know their names. But they're getting good stuff. - Yeah. - Like crazy stuff. - Crazy stuff, yeah. But anyway, this year, Andrew and I and you guys got invited and we went to the lunch brunch today. - Yes. - And let's go around the room to see how our experience was. - I got to go. - You said you had bad news, is it related to this? - Is it related to that? - No, I did something at the party that was bad. - Well then you go for it. But Thompson Gore also had an epic bomb with Eddie Murphy. - That was crazy. - I like to get out here before we were the pod. - All right, what happened with that bomb? - He went and told Eddie Murphy a story. He's very confident. And at the end of the story, Eddie Murphy goes, was that it? - Oh shit, that hurts. Oh, that hurt it. - Fuck you, cigarette, you got burned. - I know. - You piece of shit, dude. - Not even from that. - By the way, that's what I said at the new Beverly Hills cop movie. - Is that it? - Yeah. (laughing) - He really said that one. - I'm friends, I'm saying, so here's another, what can I tell you about Eddie Murphy? - Yes. - He walks right up to me and he goes, "Hello young man, shook my hand and I fucking froze. I froze, I was, it's like, I'm sorry, to me it's like-- - No, he's a legend. - Be honest. - Did you bow? - Yes. - I sucked it in. (laughing) - No, I, oh, I'm huge, you know, like, it didn't, but I'll tell you what I did. - Did you tell me your favorite movie was The Clumps? - No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I really like, you know, I'm older than you guys. I remember when, like, I got 40, and I-- - How are you being here? - What? - Nothing. - Can we get the Beverly Hills cop? - Warm. - Okay. - Let's kick it in. So, that was a nice one and another thing that my therapist said was, because normally when I'm in those situations, I hide. - Yeah. - And I think you caught me hiding. - I did. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. - He was in the bush. - I was in the bush. - I was like, kind of, kind of standing there. - Do you remember we locked eyes? - Yes, I went, you went like that. - And I was so far away in nothing land, right? - Yeah. - But then what I did was, I did what my therapist said, it's just go up to people and introduce yourself. - Yes. - So I went up to Bobo and Kirk, never met him before. - Hell yeah. - And I go, I'm a big fan. - And I go, I love that sketch titanica. - Yeah. - Yeah, that was class. - It's a great thing. - Yeah, yeah, and he goes, oh yeah, I'm a fan of you. And we talk, we got a photo of you, that was great. I went up to John Stewart, never met him before. - Really? - I go, he's like, I'm a fan of you, and you know what I mean? And it was pretty much working, but then I fucked up. And I wanted to see if you guys think I fucked up. - That's true. - Let's go. I'm a good man. No, no, I'm a good man. I'm not, I have no color lines blind. I'd see no color. - You said the N word to the un. - No, no, no, no, no, I've never even said that. - Okay. - Ever. - What? - I've said Nigeria, that's the closest thing. - You texted it. - Referring to the country. - Texted it. - Yeah, I have the text, with the heart A, with the heart A. No, but no, I've said, that's as close. But so, Donald Rawlings and I, you know, he happens to be in a black person. - Sure. - He meant to sell. - He just did my podcast yesterday, right? So we have a thing where he does an Asian accent. You know, he'll speak in Korean. - Whoa. - You'll go, do do do sit, net, which is the numbers of Korea. - Wow. - And he served in Korean, not the Korean war, but when he was in the, he's not that old, but you know, but he served in Korea when he was in the military. - Oh. - Yeah, me so, we make fun of each other in that way, right? So he was at the party with a couple of other black people that I didn't know, but I know I've seen them online or movies and stuff. - Right, right, right. - And he goes, "Get away from me, son." That's what he says to me. - Sure. - And I go, "Come on, Matt, can be jyvin' or something?" And then these two guys, walks away like, I'm the most racist person in the world. And then I want to go to him and go, "No, no, no, that's just the way." - That's what we do. We do, we do even now, they think I'm a fucking racist. - Yeah. - No, I define. - And how is jyvin' bad? - That's 70s black talk. - You are fucking old, dude. What the hell? - I know, I was born in '71, dude. When I watched, you know what I mean? - The telemines. - The telemines? - As a kid, I was like, "Man, these people are jyvin'. Yeah, they look like chefs." - Yeah, they're cool as cats. - You were really cool doing Melvin Van People's movies, man. - Yeah, it was cool. - You understand what I'm saying? - Oh, yeah, yeah. - So that's what bad thing that happened. But the good stuff is, saw you guys, got hung out with you guys, and then, never been invited. I think I got a good slot. Where'd you, in the big photo, where was your slot? I didn't see you guys. - I was in the corner, I was deep in the corner, and I was next to Spade. And he had a great line, 'cause you talk about the picture. - Yeah. - But the picture, I mean, that was so many comics were invited. - It was crazy. - There was too many people in the group that they were trying to push people in and spade. Jelly rolls in the picture, and Spade goes, yeah, someone's gonna go up to Jelly won't go, you didn't make the cut to see a jelly roll. I'm sorry. - I lost it. - Here's what makes me mad about that photo. Is there were actors there? - Your placement? - There were actors there. - Oh, good point, 'cause I'm my friend, my friend. - Molly Shannon. - No, no, she's a legend, come on. - No, no, she's a comedic legend. Yeah, they're comedic actors. - She's a comedic actor. - I understand that, right? - I fucking understand that, Sarah Lax, Bobby. - This is my normal state. - All right, all right. - But what I'm saying is that it's like, because you've been in a couple of comedy movies, right? - You don't get to be in the photo. - It's a stand-up photo. - It's generally a stand-up or like, you gotta be like an Odin Kirk, 'cause he was there. - He was a stand-up. - Mr. Show is, it's also like. - It's legendary, yeah. But I know, I just, people I'm friends with, but they're like, you build Simmons in there and I was like, he's a sports guy. - Good point, that's a good one. - That makes me so mad, I don't even know who that is. Who's Bill Simmons? - He's a sports broadcaster. - He's a big sports guy. - Is he funny? - He's a cute guy. - He's a cute boy. - I'll go with that left, that's fine. - But we could have got four Brad Williams in there. If you lose one Bill Simmons. - You could have eight. - Eight. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause he's a black person, right? Bill Simmons. - No. - Fuck. - Four, you're right, four. You're right, four. You don't know any of the blacks, though. - I'd be driving. - I'd be driving. - But anyway, so it was, I think, a positive experience and. - I'm glad I went, too. - So we banded together. - Yeah, we had a party system. - And we've been doing this since we were youngins. I mean, we were talking about, you know, back in the day, remember us at Open Bars when we were super young? We were the fucking not charming dudes, too much booze and then we'd see a few other dudes at these fest and we were like, "Don't want to be that guy." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Now, when you're there, because you're talking also, it's Sandler, I mean. - Letterman. - Everyone. - You were a nice Seinfeld bomb. - Seinfeld checked me on one. - That was great. - Oh, tell me, what happened? - And it was a black joke. - We got it, what happened? - We had Seinfeld and Sandler and Seinfeld. And when you're talking to these people, you just see other people, it's so L.A., other people were like, "How do I get in?" - Yeah. - And we're just like, "Oh, fuck, yes." - So, yeah, so a couple of people came over while we were talking to Sandler and then a couple of people came over during Seinfeld and we're like, "Introduce me." And we're like, "Okay, this is this part." - Who's Janelle James? - Yeah, you know Janelle James? - She's funny. - Yeah, she does. - She's great. - Have an elementary. - Oh, she's great. - We've known her forever. - She's great. - No, I don't have to. I know what I've seen the show. - Okay. - And then what did you say? - So she goes, "I've known her for years." and she goes, can you introduce me to Jerry? And I was like, yeah, sure. So Jerry's talking to you or Neil Brennan or something. So I waited till they were done, and I go, Jerry, this is Monique. And she laughed, and he goes, that's not funny. (laughing) - I was laughed, and I was there. - Yeah, I'm like, we're comedians. - She's comedians. - Come on, Jerry. - Well, you know, I get it. It's not his style of comedy. - Right, right, right, right, right. - You guys are really bombing with the blacks today. What the hell? - The live-on with the Jew. - Which is the black like Jerry. - That's true. - Oh, Jerry, you're bomb with the Jew, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're-- - I went Lebanon. - But. - Southern. Southern Lebanon. - Oh, I don't know. - Not North. - North-South, you think they're going to Korea. - We, yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, oh, we get to turn down a, I don't know if you're going to take it. I had to turn down a private jet with the Seinfelds back to New York. I was pretty upset. - I think it was an empty offer. - No, she, she-- - Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She text me when I got back to the hotel. - What? - Are you coming? - What? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, tell me the offer. - You got to set me up. - Tell me the offer. - I don't know, that's allowed. - Jessica, Seinfeld and Jerry are there, and they said, you know, we're flying back to New York in the morning. - Yeah. - You should come with. - Yeah. - And I was like, you forget you have plans the next day. I was like, I'm in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I said, I'm in. I would have canceled that and gone to the flight. - The flight is the gig. - Yeah. - And they kept calling me Billy Lee. All they long. Billy Lee, thanks for coming, right? I could have-- - Billy Lee. - I was with Apatau. Apatau invited me. - Sounds like a country singer. - Right, right, so they kept going Billy Lee. And the Apatau, at one point, was like, you should correct them. And I got, I gotta keep it to that. 'Cause at that point, I couldn't have found you. - And that point, you were Billy Lee. - I was Billy Lee at the time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I was so scared and I didn't have boundaries. And I was like, now with all the work I've been doing, I'd be like, excuse me, you've called me Billy Lee like 15 times, it's actually Bobby. I'd wait for the 14th time though. - I had the same thing the other day. This guy saw me at my show. I get off stage, he goes, can I get a photo of my huge fan? And I took a photo of him, he goes, thanks, Mike. I'm like, you're a huge fan, you were at my show. - Yeah, yeah. - Take seconds to go. - I told him to do the three ones with you. They would talk to me out forever then take a picture of him. Thank you so much, Mark. And I went, go fuck yourself. And they're like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, they do feel bad. - Yeah. - But I also wanna say this, okay. Which is, it's gonna sound so stupid and gross. I might not even say that. - Just say it. - Just say it. It's, you know, there's so much anxiety, right? And it's almost a miracle that you can get through it. - Yeah. - What, the party? - Or what? - No. - What do you call it? - That's the party. - Okay, all right. - What the fuck, this guy? - Well, we were off on the stuff. - What are you doing? - We were peaking around, you know, we were trying to get her. Yeah, but I'm bummed I wanted to do this, but you know, would've been a little stressful. It's a long flight. - Yeah, but it's worth it. - And it would've been fun. - You would've been fun. - You mean the plane ride? - It would've been fun. - Oh yeah, I don't know 'em 'cause he thinks I'm Billy Lee. - Yeah. - Yes, I wouldn't do it, but my point is is that I'm sure he's a nice guy. - Yeah, he's sure. - Did you? - She texted you, she texted, it wasn't empty. She goes, "Are you coming or not?" - What do you have tomorrow? - My friend Julian Edelman's podcast, and he's a good friend. I can't cancel it. - That's so dumb, can't cancel. - He's my body, dude. I've never even heard of him. - He's a football player. - Never heard of him. - Hall of Fame. - It's not my sport. - Or a Super Bowl winner. MVP. - You know what sport I like, right? - What? - You don't know what team I like? - All right, don't tell me. Majon? (laughing) - What do you want? - That's not a sport. - Soccer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, but what team? - Arsenal. - Yes. - I heard you talking upstairs. - Oh. (laughing) - Body with a gas, man. - He's like, pull that out of the thin air. - I was like, "Oh, Sam really knows me. We're right, we're friends." - Yeah, okay. - So you didn't know that about me. - I knew you liked soccer on an English team. - Yeah, yeah, I would have canceled whatever. What's his name? - Jamal. - What's the versus name? - Billy Lee. - Billy Lee. - Yeah, I'm Billy Edelman. He's my buddy. - Billy Edelman. - For me and my movie, I love me. I got it. - Wait, were you at a movie? - Yeah. - It's not a movie. - Yeah. - Are you in it? - I am. - He's in it. - I mentioned it to you. - So she didn't mention me in the text. - No. - All right, so I wasn't invited. - I think you're invited. Can we go back to the movie? - All right. 'Cause I'd love to get on that movie. - Can we go back to the movie? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I wrote this great character as an Asian guy named Billy and you were gonna kill me. (laughing) - I'm kidding. - I'm kidding. - You're a good actor, dude. - Very good. - Shut the fuck up. - You are good. - That's ridiculous. - You are. - Sex in the city. He's in it. - He's holding Kumar. - No, no, no. - The average Asian. - The average Asian. - Shaffir last night ripping me apart. - What is the sex in the city? - He keeps me from eating a line that I said in the show. He goes, "That's the worst acting. I've ever seen any comedian." - What? - Actor, dude. And he goes, "You're good in rest dogs, though." And I'm like, "Yeah, but dude, it's not like, I get the line the way, no, he's hard on me." I get the line, like I thought it should be, but then they're like, "Can you do it like this?" Right? So then you end up doing it the way they want you to do it. - Yeah. - And then all of a sudden, you have already Shaffir going, ripping you apart because he thinks I'm a bad actor. - Or he watched the new sex in the city. - Yeah. - That's what I was thinking. - He should be ridiculed. - How do we not spend this on him last night? - Yeah. - He was just hitting me. - Yes. - Were you there when he was saying it? - Yeah, I was there. - Well, you didn't even defend me. - I was laughing. - I know, I know. - Were you there too, right? - No, no, no. - No, you were on stage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, you were back in the green? - Yeah, you saw me. Hold on, hold on. - Uh-oh. - It's my agent. - Oh. - Can I pick it up? - Please. - Okay. - You put him on speaker? Hello. - T. - Oh, no, service. - Hello. We're in a basement. - I'll call you later. - That was good content, dude. (laughing) - Good instincts. - Just cut that out. - Yeah, no, no, no. Keep it in, dude. - Boy, did you would argue into a fist fight back in the 80s? - Fist fight. He beat the shit out of me. - Whoa. - He beat the shit out of me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a fist fight when I'm not puns him. - You just let him beat the shit out of you? - He attacked me from behind. - What? - Literally above where we're sitting right now. - Wow. - Yeah. - You know what I heard? - The comments when he beat you up was not good. (laughing) - It was an upstate. - But I went up after we beat me up with a black eye. - What? - Yeah, and had a bloody face. I went up still. - Nice. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he beat the shit out of me upstairs. - Why did he do that? - It's, you wanna hear the long story? It's a long story. - It's a fucking girl. - Oh, I do know that. - Yeah, yeah. Why did we even need to eat Google it? - Oh, really? It's out there. - Well, I've sent it on podcasts before everyone he heard I could tell you. - But you guys are cool now. - Yeah, he just did my podcast. - All right. - Yeah, yeah, it was great. - Okay, good. - But no, very good friends. He put up my car. - Oh, that's another friend. - Yeah, that's another friend. - He's done a lot of thing. He strangled me once. - Wow. - I had scratch marks all over my neck. - What the fuck? - And I had a girlfriend at the time, Sarah, and I went upstairs 'cause she was a comic. And I go, "Oh, if you're just scratch my neck." And it was like bleeding my neck. - What is up with Ari? 'Cause he's never done anything shitty to me, but I hear stories. - Yeah. - I know. - But do you mean he was burned? - Nothing really bad to you. - Not really, no. He tried to drug me with Bert, but I couldn't make it. - Yeah, I'm used to that. - I had stuff like that. - Yeah, you know what I mean? But, you know, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean. - You shouldn't have been such a woman with that Cosby story too. I couldn't make it. - Oh, yeah, that's true. It's like-- - So give me the bad news. All right, you ready for this? - Yeah. - So, got a gig tomorrow on Toronto. - Woo! - Yeah, that's gonna be a bitch of a flight. Cross country, early nightmare, I'll be hungover. But, I had a decent seat, and I realized, huh, I should check in for my flight. Checking in on the app. - Yeah. - Scan your passport, and I go, oh, go on to Canada. I forgot. So now I have to go home on a red eye tonight, get my passport in the morning, and then fly to Toronto. - I would cancel the gig. - It's a casino gig, it's big money, it's sold out. - Council of the gig. - Big money. - Don't listen to him. - He doesn't give a shit about standup. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Here, look at me right now, Dan. - It's not a good thing, it's six, it's city free. - I'm with good-- (laughing) - Can I make my point? - Okay. - Okay. - Shut the fuck up. - Okay. - I'm serious. - I care about standup, okay. - No, you do. - He's not a special. - But the whole, yeah. - But the whole reason why we do this, right, is to for a pleasure. It shouldn't be stressful. - I thought you could fly. - Listen to my point. - I thought you could. - What? - What? - What? - What? - This is a new side, this is Billy Lee. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is Billy Lee. Yeah. You wanna be Bill? - Yeah, you want me to be fucking Billy Lee? - I'm gonna be fucking Billy Lee if you want to. - It's not gonna happen. - Look at that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I ain't going from Brooklyn. (laughing) Forget about it. - Hey. - Hey. - You say, "What's up, what's going on?" You know, "Hey, I'm Andrew Dice." Rice Clay. - Andrew Rice Clay. - Yeah, man. - Andrew Rice Clay. - What's happening? - What's happening? - I'm Vinny, I'm Vinny Small Eyes. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. - Yeah, yeah, I'm walking here, I'm walking here. I'm about to pull about a bang, I'm Billy Lee. Now, let me tell you something, okay? And let me tell you something, okay? My friend. - I've listened. - All right. - For me, it's about relaxation. It's about, you know, peace. No anxiety, my friend. You understand what I'm saying? - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, once you drop that arrow, there's gonna be some anxiety. I know, but my point is is that I would have canceled it. - Yeah, but it's tomorrow, I fucked up on me. - I respect what you're doing. - I have to do it. - How late do you, how late is the flight? - Midnight. - That's not that bad. - So I get there to live in. - So sleep on the flight and then y'all-- - 'Cause you're chasing the carrot. - Well, I fucked up. - No, no, no, no. - It's the only way. - Here's what's funny about comics. - I could have overnighted it. - Here's what's funny about comics, okay? They're afraid to cancel gigs. 'Cause they're like, oh, they're gonna have you back. - It's an integrity thing. - It's also the night before it's a dick move you can't. - I can't sell the dick move you can't sell. - It's a, what's fucking emotional? - So bad. - Like, I'm not, I don't want to do it. (laughs) - Right, and they're like, we can't, we sold it out. - Yeah. - And I just don't show up. - Whoa. - They refund the tickets and guess what, guy? The next year? - Come back! - Really? - Yeah. - Don't go. - Whoa. (laughs) - This is gonna hurt my career. - You're gonna hurt me. Like, the devil is, I got the devil. - I got the angel. - I got the devil here. - I got the angel. - You don't hurt me. - How you doing? - That's a good point. He's got a point. - You want some of this, okay? You don't want this guy to come out. Do you understand what I'm saying? - I'm gonna give you a cholo, a tag end. - This is a mix of every stereotype. - Yeah. - How you doing? - There we go. - Sometimes the agent goes out. - That one I know. - You wanna fuck away with the meal? - Okay, so what I'm saying to you is this, dude, is that I do this. - That's right. - What? - That's right. - Yeah, yeah. I do this because that would stress me the fuck off. - I'm stressed. - Right, and it's like, here's, I have another rule. If I don't have a certain percentage of seats sold, even day off, I contractually, I don't do it. - That's crazy. - That's really unprofessional. - It's not unprofessional. - You're putting into the contract. - That you can cancel if you're not happy? - No, you cancel if it's not like 85% sold. - Whoa. That's great. What about the 84%? - What does the venue do? - Forget about it. I go in, you know what I mean? We move on, you know what I mean? No, what does the venue do? It's in the contract. So it's like, you know what I mean? They try to like, you know what I mean? Discount tickets and this and that. - Right. - But it's like, my point is, by the way, this is a new rule that I have. - I can't feel more. I just put this rule in Monday. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. - It's a new rule. - It's a new rule. - What is it? - That rule. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another rule. - No, no, that's a rule. Anyway, yeah, but go to the red. I guess go to Toronto. - I got to do it. - You don't have to, but that's you. - No, you're doing the right thing. - I heard you are because I think that we're chasing this carrot as if like, if we get this amount or if we do this and that, I'll be happy. And it's like. - This is nothing to do with happiness. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's hell. - I know, so you're, you're doing his job. - What are you talking about? - I was employed. - You feel like you're in hell, right? - I'm in hell. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's not why we do it. Is to feel like we're in hell. - But I fucked up. - No, you didn't fuck off. - I forgot my past. - You know, humans have make mistakes. - That's true. - I made so many mistakes in my life. - I know. - Okay. - So did your mom. - Yeah, I mean, that's not called, I ain't doing it. What the fuck is that? - That's not gonna happen. - Oh, it's not gonna happen. - No, no, no. You know, yeah, she should have gone to abortion. Is that what you're saying? - Yeah, baby. - Anyway, maybe. - She was holding up for Billy. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, Bubby. - But, so you've never canceled before. - I canceled, but it's good. - What are the reasons why? - The only other time I had 10 sold out shows at the Addison Improv and I canceled because I had a baby. - That's understandable. - That's the same. - Or the day before or something crazy. - 10 sold out shows at Addison. - Like, even was like, maybe I can do like the last four of them, you know, I was even like, look at him. My wife was like, "Judah, fuck it!" - Well, see sectioned open, baby screaming. - And then the baby was born and you added another 14 shows. - Yeah. - So what was the consequences of you canceling those? - I did it a full year later. - So that's what I'm just saying. - Was the baby just born early? - You can cancel Toronto a year later that you can do it, have another baby. - That's not bad. - Yeah, you can just call Toronto goes and my wife is, how does she know? - Would you ever have a kid or no? Let me tell you something, it's so loud. Whatever show is going up there, it's half full. - So Bobby won't do it. - It's like a daytime, you know what I mean? Like we gotta get, they're up in commerce and we gotta hear them in. And they bring their bongo drums and they don't like it. - I don't like it at all, dude. - We're professional people down here trying to podcast. - You dodged the question, I asked you a question. - Would you ask me the question? - What do you ever have a kid? - Oh, I was gonna answer it. - I'm not afraid of that, I had a question. - You know what, you're smiling, you're smart. I love it, dude. All right, so would I ever have a kid? Well, you know, I made a couple of choices back in the day where I, and then I, I mean. - Push it down the stairs. - Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. - You got pegged? - Coat hanger. - Oh, nice. - No, no, no, I'm kidding, that's so dark. I'm a Christian, I don't believe in stuff like that. But I did, you know, we made decisions on like, you know what I mean. And so, you know, we-- - What decisions? - Well, what do you think it is? - An abortion. - Whatever you call it. - That's what you call it. - Well, in New York, in that California, we talked about something different. We get rid of it. - An abortion. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah. - Oh, yeah, so, um, and I regret, I regretted those. - Yeah. - Really? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I regretted that. - How old were you? - 45. - That's too old to get abortions. - You think so? - I think there's a limit where you walk and then she'd be like, nah, you're gonna have this. - But my new girlfriend now, I've even told her I got, if we happen to get pregnant, we're keeping the baby. - Whoa. - How old is she now? - What? - She's 35. - Okay. - That's a solid age for a kid, for a lady. - What do you mean? - Are you trying-- - How dog are you trying to do it? Well, I always raw dog. - Whoa. - By the way, can I tell you something you did to me that you don't even know you did to me? - You dog. - But I don't want to get in trouble here. What is it? - No, no, it's not actual trouble, but I did your pod. And I was staying with a woman in LA when I did it. - And we always talk about getting in trouble with women on podcasts. You told a really funny sex story that you did, and I was like, okay, I got to match Bobby, so I tell a story and then the podcast comes out and she goes, what the fuck, she hears it and she goes, what the fuck was that story you told? I was like, I was just matching Bobby's energy and she goes, what do you mean his energy? I was like, he told a story before me. She goes, no, he didn't. I was like, you fucking, you told a crazy story to get a good story out of me and then you cut your story. - Oh, you aborted it. - So I look like a fucking psycho. - Oh. - And. - Good mood. - I got in some hot water, dude. - It's North Korean trickery. - Yeah. - It was a really really bad move, dude. - Gen X North Korea. - Wow. - Yeah, so it's like, you know, we say claim we have a nuclear bomb, we may and may not. - Ooh. - It's trickery, dude. So I cut my part out to make you look crazy. - Yeah. - I apologize for that. - That was some fucking. - That's bullshit. - That was some trickery. - Can I just say something? - Please. - Okay. It's really, I don't edit the podcast. Okay. I really don't. And if you know my work, I think-- - And you know this would be true. - Yeah. - Right. I have nothing to do with anything. That's always-- - That's true. - Right. So it's like, you know, Andrew does everything. - You did not come off well in the story. It wasn't like anything really bad. But you didn't come off well. And neither did I. That's why I told mine. A self-deprecating tale. I'll tell one as well. - Yeah. What was my story? - I don't want to say. - Okay. - Because you've literally cut it for a reason. But you have control of cutting in this one. So I could tell the story. And then you know, make me look bad. - I think you were with someone. - No, I forget it. Cut that out, please. - Well, cut it. - Thank you. Thank you. - Yes. - We got in trouble. You know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's move on. - Oh, good. - Of course, of course. - Of course. - And I promise you this, if I'm not one, I won't do that ever again. - Oh, I'm not actually mad. It was pretty, I laughed at it. - Okay. - Anyway. - That's a pretty good move, too. - It's a pretty good move, you know. - Yeah. And what a beautiful day we had today. - Hello, Dave. But boy, it triggered high school. It was like the hierarchies and who's cool. I even saw Nikki Glazer. I've known for 20 years. I'm like, can I say hi to Nikki? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that I waited for her. - And then she was super cool. - And it was super cool. - It was super fun, yeah. - But you get in your head, it's all, we're all in our head. - It's this. It's, we've, I try to tell this people and people think I'm being arrogant. But no matter where you are in life, you take yourself with you, you know. - Yes. - And it's like no matter what I get, no matter what happens, I feel like a loser. And I've always felt that way in high school. And none of the stuff that's happened to me in my life has changed the way I feel about myself. - Same. Right? - The cement is dry. - So yeah, so when I'm in those places and I see all these people, I literally think, do I belong here? - Right. - You know what I mean? And then I have to go, yeah, you got to invite it. And I know the podcasting numbers and this and that. So you know what I mean? You do the math. But still, you still feel that kid that's like, you know, like I want to kill myself. - Yeah. - Totally, totally. But Eddie Murphy said hi to you. - I know. When I was eight years old, I remember, because my dad was so violent and stuff. And I just, I would bully at school. They thought I was an Eskimo, because I lived in Minnesota. They throw ice balls at my face. And yeah, yeah. Eskimo, they would throw ice at me. I have to run like an Eskimo. I don't even know how, or they could call me Inuits now. I apologize even. But anyway, you know, don't cancel me about that. but let me say this, so back then, even as a kid, I was like, oh, I hate life. I hate this place, and I had this intuition of like, what is the point of all this? - Yeah. And then when you get into your teens, you get into like, SART or like, existentialism. - Yeah. - You start reading to us F-SK or whatever or Kjerker Guard. - Sure. - If you're entrumbling, you know what I mean? And you try to like, you know what I mean? Read things that are like a mind-dead. And then the pain gets great enough where you go, it's either I do stand up or I, nothing. - Whoa. And that's what drove me into doing comedy. It's like, live life to its fullest or, because I've always felt that way about myself. Now, through therapy and medication, all that stuff, I feel better, but anyway, it's a comedy podcast, and I don't like it. - I'm gonna take it down there. - I apologize, it was boring, but. - Holy. - Yeah, I just wanna be real for it. Why can't I be real for a second? Sit down. - I know, but why can't I be real for a second? - You can be real. You're the one walking away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't I reveal things about myself? - No, I can't. - I was moved until the break down at the end. I thought it was compelling. I was locked down. - The people upstairs are bombing so hard. There's no laughter. You just hear the music. - I know. - Yeah. If you need music. - There's too much going on in comedy clubs right now. Like we're at the comedy cellar. They get the band playing upstairs. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We're going down, it's leaking in. We're like, what the fuck is going on? - It's too much. - It's too much. It's like, if you're a guitar actor, that's fine. I like that. - There you go. - I do, listen. - You don't like it. - No, no, no, no. It's not my preference. - Sure. Like there are some comics that have a guitar where I, oh, you could just. - But they're starting to deficit. You're like. - Yeah, but you can do jokes without the guitar. 'Cause, you know what I mean? But they use the guitar as a crutch. - No, that's not worth it. - They play through the silences. - Oh, that's kind of a cheap move. - No, it's not cheap, it's not cheap. No, you can't. Willie Tyler and Lester. - Who? What am I doing with my hand? - Willie Tyler and Lester. - Oh, oh, a puppet guy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's what the quest got it. Legend. - Okay. - If you go to eventual a quest convention. - But he don't have a guitar. - I know, but he has a, I don't mind a puppet. - I'm just saying what I'm saying is that, there he is. - Okay, Willie Tyler. - Yeah, can we see Lester, please? There's Lester. - Oh, fun. - Yeah, yeah, legend. - Geez, thank God he's black. 'Cause that would probably be racist. (laughing) - You mean if it was a white guy doing the black? - Yeah, yeah. - Would not be great. - Yeah, I don't think it would be great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - On the left. - It's a big afro. - Now, can we pull up Billy Lee just to see who that is? I bet it's a guy named Billy Lee. Somewhere out there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But yeah, the party was cool. - Oh, no, no, no, no. - I mean, we can go back to the guitar thing. - Okay, okay. - Okay, so. - Billy Lee. - That's, all right, so what I'm saying is that, I don't think it's a crutch. I just think that when you're, when you have a full band on stage and you're dancing around and this and that, that's not, you know what I mean? That's for like, a Vodville stage or some other stage, not at the comedy store, is what I mean. - Yeah. - Don't you think or no? - Yeah, no, I'm not, I don't, I don't love following non-jokes. Like it's not, the seller, we don't really have to worry about it. - Right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I prefer to follow what we're doing. - Yeah, is this Billy Lee? - Wow, Billy Lee Riley. - Yeah, Billy Lee Riley. But look at the handsome Billy Lee right there. - Very handsome. - Very handsome. - Well, that's you on the left, the drawing. (laughing) - Yeah. - Okay. - Okay, just curious. - Just curious. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, the party was cool. It was fun. - Yeah, it was really good. - But you, it doesn't matter what level you're at, you can see like, oh, like I just, when I was at the party, you just wanna be back in St. Louis at the funny boat. You know, you're like, that's where I belong. - You're at that level. - What? - You're saying whatever level you're at, it's like you're already at that level. - You never, but there is no that. - That's Eddie Murphy. - Yeah, but he doesn't feel that. - But you don't feel any satisfaction. Like you say you feel the exact same as you did as a kid. You don't feel any satisfaction from all the success you've had. - Yeah, you got quite a resume. - No, no, what I'm saying is that yes, I am, I mean, that's what's kept me alive is like, you know, I mean, walking through fear. Even like, you know, I'm one of those guys that I still have to ask a hundred girls out on a date for like one to say yes. - No, that's not true. - Oh yeah, I don't believe that. - A hundred girls. - I'm telling you this as a fact, okay? I had to delete Raya because I matched with five girls and when I matched with them, they said, "Hey, can you introduce me to Theovon?" - Oh. - You say yes if you're fuck me. That's the rule. - I didn't say that. - I blocked them. - Good. - 'Cause it hurts my feeling. - That's rude as fuck. - Yeah, and I'm still that guy. But now I have a girlfriend. - I see, I see you always have hot girlfriends, dude. - Yeah, but that's, here's the thing. I used to, I used to work at a coffee shop and there was a little person. - Yes. Football season is back and Fabletics teamed up with Jamar Chase on a new collection. They've got teas, hoodies, baggy cargos and performance gear for workouts, travel, game day and everyday life. 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So they're somewhat daily support, so they're ready whenever. Others want treatment when they need it. A provider can help find the right option for you and have prescribed your treatment ships discreetly to your door. That's pretty good. See why eight in 10 hymns customers said they were able to satisfy their partner in bed with hymns. Send me the video. Ready to build a better sex life? Visit hymns.com/drunk for a personalized plan for sex, hair, weight loss, and more. That's hymns.com/drunk. Prescription products require an online consultation with a licensed health care provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. Individual results may vary based on a survey of hymns customers. See hymns.com for full details. Yeah. Can we still say it? Yeah. Yeah, he needs tattoos to his wrist, right? And I was 19 years old when we had the coffee shop. And I go, he's always with hot girlfriends. I couldn't believe it. And I go, how do you get it? And he goes, I go to bed 1,000 times. Numbers get it. That's how he talked. I hope so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, what do you mean, you know? Sometimes I hit the ball. This is a lollipop. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's what he sounded like. OK, check out my new tattoo. All right, right. And, you know what I mean? And it's like, you know, like a tire or whatever. It's like a tire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you're whatever, you know what I mean? Whatever they do, do. Yeah, but what do you move? So, what do you have the most success with? What do you mean? Well, you say you take a lot of swings. What's the, what's the game? You know, it's, it's this, it's like, um, I'll meet, I'll match with the hottest chick imaginable. Yeah. And I can feel already. It's about because when they open up with like, we should collaborate. Oh, hey, so once that's said, I'm out. That's insane. I like that. They say it. And then you look at their Instagram and they have 100 followers. Oh, you're mean? And you're like, then you look at their tits and you're like, yeah, let's collab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, I, um, so, um, the girl that I have now, I met here, um, right up stairs. Whoa. And, yeah, and, um, Ms. Pat, no, yeah. And you could just tell that she liked me. That's all it digs. And it's such a likable guy. Yeah. She was a tall, blonde, very pretty girl, and she, I could just tell her vibe and she just, I could just, in my mind and my heart, I knew I think she likes me. Nice. And, you know, that's the, that's really, and I, you know, I went to her house. We had coffee, picked her up, and then we, you know, started hanging out. And then we dated for a year. And then, um, we went to Hawaii for like 10 days, and unlike the ninth day, we basically, she goes, I don't want to be in the situation. And she says, yeah, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, I don't want to be in the situation, but still it's, but what I was saying is that I, here's why I did it. If I may share, it's because she's good in every social situation. - That's rare. - Like I could have brought her to the party. - The party and what she would have been fine. - Wow. - But you don't want to, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, it was business. - It was a little bringing their significance. - What are we doing? - I didn't want to babysit, but I could bring her in any social situation and everyone would go, oh, she's cool. - Nice. - Which has not been the case with 70% of the women that they did. - I can't wait to meet her. - Yeah, I've had some nightmare situations. - Oh, yeah. - Can I tell you the worst one? - Yes. - This is the worst one. - Oh boy, buckle up. Do we know her? - I don't, I, I don't care. - I saw a couple of x's at the party. Mark at the guide me. (laughing) - Oh, really? - Yeah, you, first of all, I don't generally try to hit on comics. - Smart. - I think that's a bad move. - Yeah. - Yeah, good. - You don't have. (laughing) - No, I did not get in relationships. - Yeah, yeah. - Many times. I wait outside the club. - Your wife is. - I wait outside the room and I say. - Good say. (laughing) - I like your guitar. - You married a comic. - Yeah, kind of. - But she became a comic afterwards. - She does end up. - Yeah. - She started after. - Yeah, way after. - Yeah, no, I couldn't do that because would your wife ever go, can I open for you? Would you ever? - No, no. - It's cool, like that. - Good, good, good, good. 'Cause that I dated a comic and that's, she became my opener. - Whoa. - But that's not the story I was gonna tell. - Oh, how can he worse than that? - Oh, it's way worse. - Really? - It's one of the worst like user stories. - Whoa. - Yeah, hit us then. - I'm gonna hit you right now, dude. - Yeah. - Yeah. - But yeah, let me just go back drop, right? I'm a good storyteller, dude. - Are you sure you wanna talk about Calyla like this? - It's not Calyla. - Wait a minute. - Okay. - This is when I was on Matt TV. Now back when I was on Matt TV, we had the thing called the Upfronts. - Oh yeah. - You know what that is? - Yeah. - For those of you that don't know what the Upfronts is, back then when you were on a network show, every year they would send all the networks and send all their shows to New York, right? So every night was a different night. So like Tuesday was the Fox night, Wednesday was the ABC night, right? So Tuesday was the Fox night. And they would paddle out on Matt TV. So they would paddle, you know, 70, the 70s shows, so who? 70s shows. - That's 70 shows. - Yeah, that's 70 shows. And they would paddle, you know, the American idols. - Right. And they would paddle, you know, these kind of, not pedal, but they would bring them on stage, right? And the last show they would bring up is, um, Matt TV. - Yeah. - 'Cause we're on late night programming and they would only fly out forecast members. - Uh-oh. - 'Cause we had such a big cast. - Yeah. - It was always one of them, the ones that, 'cause of minority. - Uh. - That's what I believe. 'Cause I'm with them. - Who else were you with? - They would bring up, I parent holds sometimes. - Oh yeah. - My McDonald, et cetera. Anyway, I met this girl and I hit on her, right? And at first, she was very standoff, and so I didn't write, but then she's like, I heard you're going to the upfronts. I go, yeah, and she's like, you know, I really, you know, when I was, you know, when one of that day, 'cause I had a date of one time and then I couldn't feel any feelings. That she had toward me. - Yeah. - But then she was like. - But you were in there a little bit? - Oh, she was hot. - Yeah. - And she was a comic. - Is she still doing stand-up? - No. - Oh God. But anyway, then she kind of was like, made it seem like it was on, right? And then like, flirty and hugging me deeply. And you know what I mean? And it's like, you have a plus one, right? Or something. - Oh. - I hit her energy or anything. - Yeah, yeah, you got worked. - Yeah, it gets worse. - Oh, boy. - So, fuck the oven. - So I flat, once we get to New York, her mood shifted. - Ah. - And it was very stand-office again. - And she did. - Wait, you didn't fly to New York, did you? - No, I had a plus one, so the network flew us there. - Whoa. - First class, the whole thing. - Whoa. - Right? So before they do the actual stage thing when they bring out the shows, there's a dinner. So there's, you know, you're, imagine a ballroom and there's these like round tables. - Yeah. - And Matt TV had the last table at the edge where the kitchen is, you know what I mean? But we still had a table, right? - All right. - But we're sitting around, you know what I mean? And it's like, the center of this convention is where the network executives and the president of the network sets. - Yeah. - Okay? So I'm sitting there and Mike McDonald put, kind of pokes me and he goes, look what your date's doing. And she had a business card that said her name and her not phone number, right? Because back then there was no internet. - Yeah. - And she was giving it to the president of Fox. - Oh. - Okay. So I run, I run like an ninja. - Yeah. - Why at least? Yeah, I mean swiftly, right? Secretly. - Sure. - Sounds like a fast. - Yes. - Right? Run, run. I grab her. by the wrist, not in the violent way, in a very gentle way, right, with violent, right? And I pull her aside and I go, what the fuck are you doing? 'Cause I've never met the president. - Yeah, and you're on the TV? - I'm on TV, so I don't even know her! - Yeah, right? - And I go, what are you doing? She said, I'm just networking. - Ooh, right. And I brought her down. I never talked-- - It's gross to say that word out loud. - What, that's true. - Networking. - Just say, I'm networking. It sounds gross. - It sounds gross. - It's another thing that I heard with that town at Coachella. When I walked into Coachella, I'd grow a guy's-- - Stay hydrated! (laughing) - And it drove me crazy! - You shocked the-- - I know what he watered us! (laughing) - You shocked the doucheery at fuckin' Coachella. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when she said that, it put a fuckin' tingle down my smile. - Could you have stolen this? (laughing) - For years! - Could you have still fucked this woman after the networking comment? Do you think it still would have been in you? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. - He's human. - I think so. But she's-- I slept on the couch. - Whoa! - She slept on the bed. - Whoa! - You were there for two days. - Yeah, 'cause you had to fly back with her. So I'm just sitting there and flying back. - What's the vibe in the room like? - That's bad. - Yeah, that's real bad. - And but like, she's been rude to you as well. - No, she was like, what's your energy? I go, she's, I was just networking. And I was just like, yeah, but it's like, you know, we're friends, now just, you know, I'm in the friend zone. - Yeah. - And also you went there for that intention to do that. Right? And also like, nobody knows her. - No. - Dude, it's like, when you're on a network TV show, right? 'Cause I've been on a couple of other shows. It's not like you waltz up to the president of the network and go, hi, I'm Bobby, I'm on this show. - That's not a lady energy, she's a hot lady. She's like, yeah, I'm a hot woman. - She gave that. And also, the president of the network at the time was a woman and she's like, what the fuck? Like, her response was weird. - Yeah. - What do you, wait, wait, what is this? - Yeah. - While she's handing her a business card. - Well, the tricks don't work on other women. She's like, I'm a lady, I don't give a shit. - Oh, I know. - Exactly, so that was like the worst user-y. - That's tough. - Yeah, it's a tough one. - You just can't travel with someone if the vibe's not 100% there. It's just-- - I've learned my lesson. - Yeah. - Yeah, I did it. - I just can't believe Natasha did that. (laughing) - You trying to, yeah, yeah. It's not like somebody that you would note, they haven't done comedy in 20 years. This is something that happened over 25 years ago. - But she's now using someone in another line of work. - Well, she's the last one I heard that she has children. - Whoa. - She's using the children. - And she's, yeah, yeah, yeah. - She's using the kid to hand out a card to someone. - I don't know her situation, but I had another one that I did before, so a year and a half ago, maybe two years ago, I had this girl, she was like 32, I had sex on doors with her. - Nice. - Oh, nice. - Thank you, you know, at my house. - Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean, and it was a pleasurable, human experience, if I may say so, my self. - Sure. - And, uh. - What do you mean her? - Well, here's the crazy part. I had met her a year before that, right? And I met her at the improv, and she goes, take me out, 'cause I just know I said she saw it. So I took her out, I took her a bar, and she gave me, I should decide. I know, she, we're sitting at a bar, and she, um, I wanna say that she, - Your painter? - At the bar. - Over the pants or under? - I had it on. - She blew ya. - I don't know. - Whoa. - She blew you in a public bar. - A public bar. - Whoa. - In a corner or a bathroom or what? - She said the bar. - Just at the bar. - Yeah. - Wow. You're the worst dirty talker of all time. - I just don't wanna, people don't think it's weird. - Well, I don't think whisperings gonna change what happened. - It's not. - No. - It should then, and then she goes at me. - Perfect. - Then, a year later, I see her at Mel's diner. - Oh, wait, you're saying? - No, no, no, no, no, you're just saying. - No blowing the guy at the counter. - No, no, no, no, blowing the guy at the counter. (laughing) - And then I go, hey, it's just like, hey, I'm sorry, it goes to you, but at the time, I was kinda seeing somebody, and I don't know, we hucked up that night, 'cause we had done more after that, you know what I mean? But, let's hang out again. So, we hung out, and then we hooked up, and then we went to Hawaii, and then she, - Oh, wait, this is the girl? - No, this is not the girl. - Oh, Hawaii is just your move. - You bring everybody to Hawaii. - I'd probably law the girls to Hawaii. - Wow. - You know, it's bad, 'cause women get mad when you do the same thing with other, have you done this with, I was at a next game with the girl, and she's like, have you taken other women to next game? So, I'm like, yes. - Yeah! - This is what happened to you. - I don't know if that's your route. - How many tricks do you think I have up my sleeve? - Also, I go to Hawaii six times a year. - All right. - Yes, sometimes I'm doing September, I'm going back. - Jesus. - Yeah, I love it there, I have the room that's day in, and the whole thing. It's my vacation spot. - Yeah. - I have all the restaurants on lockdown, you know what I mean? I know exactly what seat I like at the pool. - Damn. - I can, you know what I mean? I relax. Anyway, my point is, I brought this girl there, right? Somebody I had already hooked up with, and while we were making her on the bed, she stops and she goes, I'm not attracted to you. I think you're fat. - Get out of here. - I've told this story before, and I went to the, she went to sleep, I went to the balcony, and I thought about jumping off of it. - Whoa. That's what I got. - It was? - It would have been a loud thud. (laughing) - It would have been, yeah. - It would have been, it would have been, it would have caused a tsunami. (laughing) - That's so disrespectful. How would you say that to someone? That's what it all was. - I know, so then I got on the shot a week later. - O'Zempick. - O'Zempick. - Whoa. - Because she did that, I never saw her again. She was trying to call me after that, you know what I mean, a couple of weeks, I was like, I don't know. - Damn. - Right, so then after that, I got on the O'Zempick, and it seemed to help. - Jeez, you're not even fat. - Yeah, 'cause I lost weight. - Oh, so you were kind of fat then. - Yeah, I was like 30 pounds overweight. - Oh, gross. - Okay. - I get it now. - You never said anything back then when I was five. - I didn't notice you were fat. - Well, Asians were fat well. You ever seen Yoke Azuna? (laughing) - Yeah. - I just watched the Hogan Die. - The bonds I dropped. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you want some of them? - Are you glad that you're on the shot, the O'Zempick? - I stopped doing it because I saw I've gained a little way because it made me nauseous. - Yeah, and there's a lot of side effects I hear. - Yeah, I would, like, when I did tires, Shane doesn't even know this. - You had a tire. - I took a gigantic dose on the flight and I ate a meal, and I vomited and shit all over the hotel. I vomited all night long. - Whoa. - Yeah, it fucked me up. And ever since then, I haven't taken it. - Damn, dude. - Yeah, I think my milligrams are too much or something, but it makes me so nauseous. - But do you feel better? - I feel good now. - You look good. - Thank you. - We have a friend, he's a huge guy. You know him, I'm not gonna say his name, but he took o'Zempick and beat it. Like, he ate through it. - Yeah, yeah, you can eat through it. - Yeah, he's bigger now. - Yeah, he's bigger now, yeah, yeah. You can't eat through it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He did it, yeah. - What's your weakness when you were heavier? Well, what do you think? - You're just like, I don't like the way it's like this. - What was the stuff you ate that like, you couldn't stop eating that would make you bigger? - I wanted to go up. - There you go. - No, that's, I don't like the way it tilts down like that. - It's just the way it's made. Sorry, buddy. - Whoa. - The way it's made? - The way it's made. - Me and China. - Gatorade? - Yeah. - Gator, I don't like Gatorade equipment. - What does it say? - Sure. - It's sure company, yeah, I'm not sponsored by them, but, but you know what I mean? It should go the other way where it's hooked up. - Oh, yeah. - I don't like the way it goes. - Like that. - Right, yeah, yeah. - Anyway, what's the question? - This is good stuff for the listeners, man, thank you. - Yeah. - You know what, you're being sarcastic, I think. - I was. - And I think they would like it. (laughing) - I think it was weird me doing a karate chop on the thing. - That was weird. - And I think that it's, I'm a professional. - You are. - Yeah, I mean, so it's like easy. Easy does it, as a people say. - Easy does it. - Yeah. - That doesn't matter. - No, it doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. - What made you fat? - What was your, your vice? - Well, I'll be honest with you. I like Katsu. - Who? (laughing) - It's not a person. - Katsu? - Yeah, yeah. - It's a type of, I like for, like it's like Japanese. - Comments. - Like Kotlet, you know what I mean? Like you know every, every like nationally has it, right? - Oh, that's good. - Like a chicken Katsu. I ate a lot, I eat a lot of chicken Katsu and rice and stuff like that, you know what I mean? It's good stuff. - Yeah, yeah, it's good stuff, but it's a little, like if you do pork katsu, and that's all you eat all the time, you know what I mean? You can really, and then I get hard in the stomach, right? - What? - It's gonna be hard in the stomach. - It's hard in the stomach, and then also I, I used to eat every day two Osayu bowls. - That's just horrible for you. - It's bad for you, right? - No, it's a lot of sugar. - No, it's fake health food. - It's like a lot of sugar, I didn't realize that. And with a lot of honey and all that stuff, right? - Oh. - And the fruit. became, you know, I mean fat. Yeah, I think Nutella was good for you. Yeah, we had a lot of talks about that. Yeah, it's not good. Gargle Nutella all day long. Yeah, yeah. It's just chocolate candy. I had no, I put it on peanut butter with bread. I thought I was eating like a nice, healthy love. Yeah, peanut butter is not healthy. Yeah, what's that horrible? But it's not like, oh, I thought that was helpful. It's a lot of calories. I love it. How do you guys both say skater than? Yeah, what do you do? You play basketball? Yeah, I play ball. Oh, you do the ball? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do? Do you exercise? God, you're like, your skin tone's like slender man. It's like, it's definitely almost like I know, I know. It's like you don't sleep or what's going on with you? But tell you used to call me a vampire. Yeah, yeah, you're eyes are always dark. No, no, they are. Like a raccoon. A raccoon? Like what is going, I've always wanted to tell you that. But in this lighting, it's like, it's very diabolical. Really? Yeah. What's going on with you? You sleep in much? No. Because Mark has a nice tan. It doesn't even have a nice tan. Well, I got a half Italian going. Yeah. That's not it. Oh, that's not it. No, this fool right here. Can I call you fool? Yeah, this fool right here. Sure you can play. Yeah, a player. Yeah. What's Java? I'm Java. I'm kidding. So what I'm saying is that you need to, I think there's a vitamin missing. I like that we're like this. This woman was so cruel to Bobby. Now he's like, something's deeply wrong with your face. No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying to you is, I think you're a handsome, for a comic, you're hot. I'll take it. No, I'm being real. Oh, thanks. You're not Matt Rive. No. I can name him. Who is? I think Matt Rive just died. I mean, you know what I mean? But you're up there, I think. That's a guy in comic. Yeah, tall. Yeah, tall, yeah. I think you're up there with the, you know what I mean? And you're like, and you're like edgy morbid sensibilities, I like to, you know what I mean? The dryness of your jokes. Thank you. You're very funny. Very talented, Matt. And you also probably on the screen would look, you wouldn't be the lead. No. But you'd be like an accountant. Oh yeah. Like a divorce guy. Yeah. Unless it was the movie, the accountant, then I wouldn't say that. Yeah. Well, no, but more like a 1950s one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. But you have a gray skin. And that's what we, we shall let go. This is a real dance regime. So what I'm saying is, is that you're white, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Usually there's pinkish cute tones to the skin. Yeah. But yours is just very, like, very fucking 824 grade. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. I got mad filter. Yeah. I think there's a filter going on. Yeah. What's going on is they're like, you know what I mean? You don't go out in the sun that much. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Balls, that's about it. Yeah. You play ball. Yeah. You play the ball indoor. Seems like. Okay. I'm not making fun of them because I care about Sam Morrill and I think that you're a very talented man. I just, you look healthy and like, you've been in the sun and you know what I mean? I'm crazy. But you look like just, you know, there was this book called Notes from the Underground, by Dostoevsky. It was about a man downstairs in a basement and there was a little crack. He would judge people walking by and stuff. You feel like that, I feel like you look like that man. Whoa. I mean, yeah. I feel like you look like Meg Griffin right now from Family Guy. Oh yeah. I can see it. Yeah. That's a good thing. You know, you think that's a slam? I don't take it that way. It was a slam. I think you look like Meg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was saying it from like, I wasn't trying to rip on you or roast. Oh. Yeah, mine was more like. You were constructively call me a raccoon. No, I was just not, I was rude. I know. That was really fun. No, but I, I just saying, is there a vitamin deficiency? Definitely. Yeah. Okay, that's all I'm saying. I know, I know. I know. Maybe is it that? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I'm concerned. That's all. We've been drinking for four days straight. No sleep. Yeah. I mean, carnies. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. It's just driving me crazy. This thing. Sure. Yeah. That's the company. Yeah. It's a good place. Good set up. Good set up. The Bongo music is good done. I'm glad about that. Thank you. I'm going to do. I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I've been figured out what meal. Because you guys have a show tonight, right? Yeah. Yeah. Big show downtown. Yeah. What theater? United. How many seats is it? I don't know. 1100? No, more. It's a little more, I think. 15? Yeah. Yeah. It won't be full. So my show is tomorrow night with Andrew. And we're doing the YouTube theater. I don't know that one. Yeah, I don't know either. So what I'm going to do is after this, because I'm so tired, that I'm going to go get a meal. Nice. I'm going to go home. I'm going to take a bath. Getting catsoo? Are you getting dogsoo? You know, that dog thing that you're saying is true. But in 2027, Korea made a law forbidding the dog meat trading business. That's not great that they needed a law. I know they did, but there is a 2027 law. I don't know why it took a year. Yeah, we got a year. A year left. So if you're a dog out there in Korea, right? Run for your lives. Get the hell out of it. But you know, in 2027, you're good. Yeah. I mean, you can just like chill. But it's like, I think the cats are still scared. Are they eating cats? I don't know. But you would think that there should be a law with cats. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, I have three cats at home. I'm a cat. Yeah, yeah, I have three. I have three dogs at home too. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. I'm an animal guy. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you got to prepare them before the-- No, no, no, no. Oh, I see. Yeah. Thanksgiving is coming up. 2027 is going to be-- We can turkey like you. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah. So that's crazy that you wouldn't say something like that. No, I'm a big-- Yeah, I'm a very big animal person. Oh, god. Yeah, yeah. You eat animals, too, though. Yeah, you can't. Well, here's-- And when I lean forward, I'm being real. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Right? This is Billy talking. Right. And it's Billy talking. Well, I don't know. You want me to say something for real? OK. Anyway, no one I'm going to say is-- Yeah. That I might be on the precipice of being a vegetarian. No. You're not going to be funny anymore. No. They say that about quitting drugs and alcohol. And I stayed funny. Well, that's debatable. Right. Yeah. Why-- No, no, no, no, no. Now you're getting personal. Are you nervous? No, no, no. You're very funny. Now you're being personal. You're funny. I mean, you're funny now than before. I'll tell you this guy. I like you better on drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. You just said I'm not funny, right? I'm joking. No, I know you're joking, but I'll tell you this guy. I think you're great in sex in the city. You grateful. Let me show you. Let me show you. All right. So what I'm going to say this to you guys. You're great for you. All right. That was good. That was good. I like that. I like that. I like that. Why don't we have to fight again? I'm not fighting. No, I'm not feeling bad because you were fighting it. You were fighting it. You were a fan. Oh, no. All right. So we did-- we opened for Gillus in Phoenix. Yeah, that was awesome. 20,000 seats. Hell yeah. I had to follow you and Andrew. Mm-hmm. And I still did-- it was able to do it. Yeah, you did great. All right. So what I'm saying to you, then, who's the full now? No fool. This guy. He's the great fool. 50 shit. Yeah, and that's what it should be. Yeah, 50 shit is a fucking fool, dude. That's what you are, dude. I love you so much. How great of you. You killed, man. That was you murder. But then why would you make a joke? And I'm not good. Because it's a joke. All right, all right. It's offensive. All right, sorry. Yeah, yeah. We're all-- do you have our own styles? Yeah, yeah. Can't wait to see the hood. Yeah, my own style. I'm going to go to the special. Yeah. That's true. Check it out. It's-- I'm looking forward to it, man. November? Yeah. Are you nervous about it all or not? Well, here's the real honest truth. I can lean forward again. Hey, bro. I know. Yeah. There's a real truth, dude. Yeah. Um, is that-- I'm about y'all. I'm about y'all. Mm-hmm. But, um, I don't know if it's about it, man. Yeah, you got to start with scratch. Yeah, because, um-- It's not pretty. No, no, it's not that, man. It's-- I saw it. You saw the smash. I saw it twice, man. I did it. And, uh, I sat through two. Stuff. And, uh, after the second time I stood up, looked at the editing team, looked at the intro. And, uh, I looked at the intro. Yeah, so I, I don't know, I mean, it also, you know, I did it. And, so, um, I gotta put it out. No, we are put out. Okay. I have to contractually put it out. Yeah. But, you know, I'm leaning back now. But, um, they are gonna put it out. It comes out in November or Hulu. But, um, yeah. I mean, are you like that with yours? Of course. I mean, can you watch it? It's never perfect. No, I let, I know the show that was the right show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's gonna happen. Oh, no. I did, yeah. I did. So what I'm doing is I'm doing the finally tour now. Mm-hmm. Just, I'm just gonna do it one last time this whole hour. The farewell tour. A farewell tour. Yeah. And then when the special comes out, I have been writing, I have eight new jokes. Nice. Yeah, yeah. I can even show you. We should do an episode someday where you just bounce bits with us on air. Yeah, yeah. So I have eight new jokes. Yeah, we can't show you anything. And, uh, oh, in fact, the director of my special just take it. He said, but you put it out. who's a good to go jordan no i want louis cats Oh, we love Louie great joke, and I'll tell you why When you see Kelly wang said to do it, but but but not aside from that and Ellie wang is the queen of Asia into the comedy Okay, what do you mean what I mean is is the what do you mean? What am I would I mean of Asia? No, what I'm saying it you lost it No, I haven't lost it. Okay. I'm gonna explain it to you now. Okay, right to me. We're in a kingdom Make like Lord like Lord of the Rings are like or a game of thrones. Okay. Okay. Who's the king of the regular King of King's landing of comedy It's somewhere in Austin. Oh Yeah, okay, right. I'm in a village. I'm the leader of the village, but a coastal city. I like that Yeah, yeah, and this is where the queen is, right, which is alley-wong GBO rings in this village, right? I'm an upper in the thing She's the queen of that we were way east We're way east of it. You know me and Ronnie Chang's there Ken Jeong. We're all east, right? Are there any whites there? No No, so Ellie was like, you know, Louie would be a good director. You know me. It's why and I reason reason why I use Louie is because he knows He thinks I'm funny and he's always thought I was funny and he knows my act, right? So he gave me great notes What are you going? Oh, he's gonna tell them to shut up. You know, I don't like that. Why would somebody walking out like that? I don't like that. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, I don't like that. I think it's unprofessional. What were you going? You'll be recording this right? I am. I've been kind of You don't kidding. I like with the other guy behind the scenes terrified by the stick. I know what you thought I was being fucking serious Oh Wait a minute now it got real. Okay. Well, let's go back to it like get it not you sure The company Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't like the way it's like positioned. I'm sorry. You're good actor, dude It was good acting That was impressive. We're having fun. Yeah, are we not having fun? Take it down. I feel the electricity. I don't want to already come in here and fight Already beat the shit out of you. I know it was did that how long were you not friends with them after that 10 years? 10 years. Yeah, in fact, how did it get back on track? So it was funny. He calls me out of the blue and I had to erase his number so I picked it up. It was really weird. I picked up this number random You're triggering bummy. This is like I On the movie Yeah, but why are you moving around in the background? This is what your show is gonna be like with your new material. Yeah I know I know I tried a new joke in a big stage Yeah, front of like a thousands of people. Yeah in a bomb and in my mind I'm like how does Bill Burr do new jokes or shangilus in front of 20,000 people with a real club still though what they still pop in a club I know, but I remember that show. Yeah, I'm gonna try a new bit. Yeah You do a new bit in front of 20,000 people. It's crazy. But anyway, um, it's okay if he's going back and forth What was I saying? Ari Ari. Yeah, so I called you. I pick up this number It goods Ari and I almost hung it up That's how much a man I was Before you hang up, dude, I'm sorry And this is 10 years later. Yeah, why didn't you apologize sooner? I don't know. I mean something that we can get into and I can talk to you Uh-uh. I'll figure it out. Okay, right? But um, it's something that's gonna call cause controversy Oh, yeah, but what I'm saying is I'm gonna go back to my regular voice Thank you. Yeah. How you doing? All right, okay, so Yeah, so he calls me on the bloating goes I have a Comedy Central show. Oh, no I'm doing a pilot And I got the storytelling. Yeah, and I go and he goes can you rent a zizi in Natasha do the pilot? Of the reason why I beat you up And I go are they who I'm gonna beat the shit out of you now? I need a favor I need you to talk about I thought it was interesting because both of them were involved in the story So I I did it nice and it went really well. We all for I think told the story together together Whoa, and I don't think it was ever aired. I never saw it. Yeah, yeah, but um, it was like a template But then I got that and then and then when he did it the show when I got picked up forgot I did it at cheetahs. Yeah, yeah back then So you know, um, and then we became very close after. Oh good. I'm glad you guys are buzz. Yeah, you don't have wars with people Not like that. I'm not fist fights. Nobody had one guy grabbed you off stage. That's true. Who was it? Louis Anderson That would have funny. That would have been the ghost of Louis. Yeah Surveys No, but oh, that was a family few reference. Yes, he hosted that for about 10 years very good So who was it? I'll tell you off here Get the man in trouble and made you mad. I made him mad. Oh, you made him you were though Mark doesn't usually call like it's usually a text with marks So when he calls I'm like what the fuck happened right and it was like 2 a.m. I was like dude. What's up? All right So it was a big name the big guys big guy. No, no really. Okay. Well then But you know what? I didn't tweet about it You called Sam because you felt like you were in trouble. Well, he knows him He was mad because of why we don't have to say his name, but because of why I am mocked him On stage you mock him on stage in front of him in front of us killing And it bothered him. Yeah, and he walked up on stage and grabbed you right when I got off or right when you got off Yeah, and he was violent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, and it scared you. Yeah. Yeah, so fun scared everybody. Yeah people are pulling God for me. No, okay, that wasn't a horrible guess Yeah, he was there actually he was dying laughing by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he was there God for he was there Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I confronted the guy after which was scary because I was setting boundaries I was setting boundaries and I was like the last thing I want to do every fiber in my being was like don't go near this guy But I just said I have to squash this. I hate that this is the thing. Yeah, and it was better. It helped it helped the Terrifying it was terrifying. Yeah, that's not my my bag. Yeah, I mean I've had to tell comics I can even say that I could even say this one. I think Mark Marin. Oh, what he had a beef. No, there was no beef Like 12 years ago, he used to give the worst intros. Oh, that sucks. Right because we're not like the cell. What's going on? Me how long time It's an 815. He told me No, just I will do a few more minutes of this. No, no, I want to do another hour. Can he still do a 15 or is that Anyone else here? Yeah, but you know, if I can all of me over here to do this. Yeah, I don't want to cut off. Yeah, I Well, wait for me. Yeah, because this is we're having fun. No, go off, dude. No, I can mark and I could just do it. No, it's I'm having fun here. So anyway, um, Mark Marin. Yeah, he used to give the worst intros, right? And he's and he is he had this intros were like this guy's super needy Like he really wants to kill. Yeah, man. So he like exerts energy Like he's like breaking down like my style and you're about to go on. Yeah, you're kind of like a clown Really like no credits or anything right and I would walk up and I would have a deep resentment and one day I just walked up to him I go don't ever do that again. Yeah, because it's gonna get to where I'm getting rageful good and then he started game me good Intros. Okay, you faced it. Yeah, but no, there's no comedians really angry. Yeah, right? Yeah, right? There was another one that I can't mention. Oh shit, right? Who's too big? Oh, I know it is no, you don't I bet I do You don't know why let me hear you would hear the story. Oh, yeah, the intro was his style of comedy is A D's Ask oh, which means like he you know, it's a hook. Oh, you know like the crazy Asian. Yeah, you know me and I didn't know people Insulted like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so anyway Bobby Lee No, you can't guess and now as I walk past this person I gave them the you know the death Korean look good whoa the Kim Jong-Scale, which is also my come face Okay, do you ever get depressed when after you're ejaculate? Yeah, what is guilt? What is it? No, it's not guilt No, you're just seeing the world through clear eyes. Oh Yeah, but so I'm not the only one No, because I was telling my therapist. I come to my head. How do I get rid of this body? I'm fucking depressed I know it so it's it people it's not like you You know what I mean, it's not like that deep, but there is, after you ejaculate, there is a little bit of a depression that goes on, an emptiness, you know what I mean? And it's like, you know what I mean? I still cuddle and I still do the whole thing. I get the warm, you know what I mean? - It's similar to like when you're done with the show and you're like, what now? It's that feeling of like, but yeah, you're done. Everything built up to that moment and now it's just all gone. - Yeah, and that's so you relate. - Oh yeah. - Do you relate as well? - I get it, yeah, especially in the single days when you're with a stranger and you finish and you're like, how do we get out of this? - This is tough. - Also now with your wife, you don't feel that. - No, with that, with her, it's fine. - No, I'm with someone I'm dating, I don't feel that. Do you feel with someone you're dating too? - Yeah. - Oh. - It's not extreme. - When I really like the person, I'm happy with them. - No, I, it don't, whole reason why these things even spend their nights because I like them. - Yeah. - And I'm in a relationship with them. That's not the point. - Why do you think you get sad though? - Well, he was beaten. - It's not sad. - No, it's not, it's not sadness. There's just a slight. - Depression. - Not even an oppression. It's very subtle. - Okay. - You know what I mean, that's all I'm saying. And I just wanted to relate to you guys in that way. - I hear you. - Yeah, I mean, and you know, I feel like we're at a crossroads here. Do you burlate or not? - I do. - I'm just not attracted to you, you're fat. (laughing) - I think when I, when it's a one-nine stand, for sure. - Unless we're vibing so hard - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But if it's like a weird kind of like. - Like when you, you know, you still do that? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I did it before the show. - Did you really? - I got Nicky Glazer's billboard out in front and it says, "Good girl." And I'm like, "Oh, she's just weird." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - She's also like gets, pretty rare as she gets older. - Every year, she gets harder and harder. It's crazy. - I started the Netflix. - Yeah, she gets the new eyes or whatever. You know how they get new eyes? You know, they change. - Right. - They go to Korea. - It's like guys, they're here. - I had a lot of community girls, women, female comedians, I mean, they go to Korea and they come back. - Really? - And then you're like, "Do you go to Korea?" - You go to Korea? - Yeah, and they're like, "How do they go to Korea?" - What do they do? - It's really hard. - It's like this big, you know what I mean? - I fixed place like turkeys for hair. - Yeah, Korea is hard. - So when dudes go to Turkey, you know what I mean? I know they have a full head of hair. It's like, "No, dude." - Right. You were like, "You know what I mean? And now they're like, "You have a full-on, you know what I mean?" - We know a lot of dudes who've done it. - And I know some dudes that if I even call them out, they'll be violence. - Over the hair? - Yeah. - Oh, for sure. - Why? - That's an LA thing in New York. Everybody's gonna bid about the hair transplant. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - LA, it's all hidden. - In a LA, it's hidden. And if I call them out, they will go violent. - I can see that. - Yeah. - And I know two, like full-blown like-- - I know two as well. - There's a war. - And they're not out, you mean? - They're not out. - I know, but it's not out there. - It's not out there. I know two, and it's not out there, but it's like, and I know a couple of ladies that if I call them out and go, you know what I mean? They got their eyes done. - What do you do to your eyes? - I don't know. Whatever. I fucked up with-- - Is this a thing? - No, I don't. - I fucked up the, well, Asians get a thing called Funko Poodle, which is the round-eye. - It's the round-eye. - Yeah. - It's inappropriate. - Your eyes a little bigger. - Yeah, and my mom got it done. Not she looks Mexican. - Whoa. - My mom looks like a Mexican lady. - I'm married. - She has a penis. - Yeah, she has a round-eye, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - And she was like, "Papi, you look at round-eye." - And I will never get round-eye. You know, I don't-- - Don't do it. - No, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna be who I am. I'm never gonna get facial things done. - Right. - What was your impression for that in a way? - Yeah, but I will, first of all, I think I look good. - You do? - For your age? - What does that mean? - Wow, what are you? 61? - You know, 54. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, I think I look pretty good for my age, and I will never get that. Here's the one thing I have. - You dress young, I think that helps. - Why learn it from, you know where I learned it from? So I go to the, I'm gonna just tell you something. A little secret, okay? So I go to a secret. - Rub-and-tug? - No, no, no. I go to a secret AA meeting. - A secret AA. - All right, Asian Anonymous? - No, no, no, it's Asian Anonymous. - Yeah, and it's invite only. - Ooh. - And it's with, you know what I mean? Older, you know what I mean? Cool people. - Like celebs? - To say cool people, I want to say. - Okay. - Right? - I heard when your ex is with networked in there, actually. (laughing) - It's men's only. - Okay. - It's a men's, yeah. And I watched the way they dress. In my mind, I realized, oh, you can turn any age, but you can still wear, and it changes, you know what I mean? - So it's you and Johnny Depp basically? It's that type, but it's like, it changes the age. - Right. When you go khaki, you know, like how Santino dresses? - Yeah. Golf shirt, khaki pants, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - When you get older, then they look Republican. - Yeah, that's true. - But it's like, if you stay with, you know what I mean, a faded, you know what I mean? Baha's t-shirt or inner-me-in, and wets. - Shriets. - Yeah. - All right. - What are those called? Capri's? - No, these are not Capri's. - What do they get the loose? - They just middle. - Yeah, yeah. - What is that? - I'm not gonna tell you. - Okay. - Yeah, but is that a ninja thing? - It's not a ninja thing, dude. - All right. - Yeah. - Anyway, it's a lot of middle crotch fabric. - Yeah, but it's cool. - You look like you're gonna spray paint a score or something. - Yeah, yeah, that's what the look is. - Yeah. - Yeah. - If you're here, who's running the vape shop? - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, I mean, that's the look. - Yeah. - Yeah, so I, I think it's a theory. - Yeah. - Yeah, but I know a lot of Asian people in show business that have gone to Korea and they come back and they get the round eye. - Yeah. - And I find it very offensive. - That's crazy. - Yeah, yeah. And I also, don't ever bring this up. I'm gonna bring it up today. - Oh, boy. - Okay. And it's fair now the exchange. I'm not talking about tariffs, okay? But in the 70s and 80s and part of the 90s, right? You know, Asian women were fetishized, right? - Big time. - Right, so, you know, white dudes and black dudes like them, right? But the exchange rate was not good. - All right. - Right, right, 'cause Asian men were not fetishized. - Left behind. - We were left behind, you know, now when I go perform, I'll see like an Asian dude that looks like me with a hot white check. - Yeah, that's true. - Right, so the exchange rate. - Or like a hot Asian chick with like Theo Vaughn or something like that. - Yeah. (laughing) - So I'm about, turn it against me again. Do you grateful? - Okay. - You're grateful. - You're very grateful. - That's gonna be like, I'm gonna be like my new name when I check in a hotel. - Yeah. - You're gonna look at the comedy solo line I'm like, who's grateful? (laughing) - Yeah, so that's what you are. - I am there. - And you're acting like that. - I'm sorry, Bob. - All right, so it's behavior. - I apologize. - All right, but what do you make a guys who fetishized Asian women though? - To me now, the exchange rate is much better. So it's to me, it's all good, right? - The Asian men are having a moment. - You were having a moment. - I think BTS did it. And I think a lot of Korean shows did it. - Yeah, yeah. And I think that, I think Korea is having a moment. - Yes, Squid Game. - Or Squid Game. - Or Squid Game. - Jesus Christ. - Or a boy. - Or a boy. - Or a boy. - Yeah, yeah. - I saw it down 25 years old. - That's true. - It doesn't matter, but that was the beginning of, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - This shift. Hyundai Sampton, Killing it. - Yes. - Right, or killing it, right? So what I'm saying is that North Korea, they have meth afteries. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're not doing, I think meth is not doing it. - They're having a moment too though, I think. (laughing) - Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - North Korea is having a meth moment, I think it's cool, dude. - Yeah, yeah. The aunties, you know, if you go to North Korea, they have these yellow hills of just bodies. But anyway, my point of dead bodies, my point is this, it's beautiful in the fucking summer. But anyway, but my point is this is that, Korea's having a moment, I'm sorry, that was dark. Is that what it is? - Yeah. - I'm sorry for the gray fool. - I thought it was funny. I really, you know, but that's what I feel. - I had to go come okay with it. - Yeah, and then I'm just trying to be honest with you. But my point is this is that Korea's having a moment, but at the exchange rate is better, you know what I mean? And I feel like there's more opportunity. - Yeah. - For the Asian community. - I like how seriously you're delivering this. - Well, I feel like a spokesperson. - Yeah. I feel like-- - You don't like Asian women. - Actually do. - I've never seen it with one. - They don't like me, and I'll tell you something about my brand, something happened upstairs again. I've told the story before, you know what I mean? But in the early 2000s, I played the OR upstairs. - Quit bragging. - Okay, small room. And there was a famous Korean actor in the audience. - They have those? (laughing) - Do we know them? - I guess they're them. - You told me the story before. - I know, I told you the story before. - Wait, what's his name? - I can't tell, I can't. - Just do this, do this. - What, who violated you on the cellar stage? - I'll tell you after. - I just don't know a Korean actor, no offense. - You don't know Steven Yoon? - No. - Who's Yoon? - I know he is, yeah. - It wasn't him, but it was, you know what I mean? - You know Steven Yoon? - The handsome guy. - Yeah, yeah, what was he in? - So many things. - Like, give me one. So many of my friends. favorites. I can't even think of a piece of an alley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you know Asian dudes. I just didn't know his name. Yeah. He's not the one. Yeah. He's our Brad Pitt. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Steven Yoon is our Brad Pitt. You know, Daniel Day Lewis is our, not Daniel Day Kim is our, um, um, was he in lost? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's hot. Yeah. Yeah. He's hot. Right. So it wasn't any of these guys because they, they're friends of mine. Look at that job. Yeah. Daniel's done Tiger belly a couple of time. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Steven's done it as well. And they're on my side. But back in the early 2000s, there was this Korean actor who was much older pulled me aside out in the parking lot. He goes, you are just, he had an accent. Yeah. He goes, you are discrepanied. Because you are discrepanied to all Asian. I go, what do you fucking mean, dog? You know, you know, I mean, you're trying to get job with me or what? Yeah. And he goes, no, no, everything you say on stage. So offensive. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You, you swear to, whoa. You know, crazy talk. You know, wait a minute. Here's the exit. Yeah. You go, so you have to be, and this is the hour you just taped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is the hour I just taped, right? You talk about, you know, a disgrace to all Asians coming to Hulu. Yeah. And so, you know, and I was, and I realized then is it's like, you know, I mean, that it's not as if like I perform. And I'm not like Joe Koei, where like a lot of Asian fools show up. Right. You know, I mean, people show up. You got the whites. I get a lot of whites, Mexicans, all kinds of people. You know, I mean, I think I'm kind of more crossover. Yeah. But it's like, you know, I would, I mean, I would, I love Asian people. Yeah. I love my people so much. I eat the food. I love the movies. I love all of it. I wish, you know, I mean, the day supported me more. Yeah. Do you play, do you play Asia? No. But in San Francisco, when I play, it's predominantly Asian, which makes me feel good. But also when you're in Dayton, Ohio, there's not a lot of Asians out there. No. You know, you mean, so it's like, you know, so I get like the white fools, you know, yeah. I never gotten crazy. Yeah. The grace I've never shown up for me. You know, I did the grace from the stage. I don't know. I was mostly Willem DeFoe. Look at it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But because, you know, I'm, I've always been myself. And I've always, you know, you know, Luke told me a story last night. You know, Luke, the last name last night. He was in the backstage in that Oh, Luke Monas, the big guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You see you big time. I don't think he's a Jew. Oh, yeah. Luke Monas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Google it. Yeah. Give it a good way. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah. I love all. Okay. I like him too. I'm just. But you told me last last night. He goes, I only got to tell you a story. It's about me. Because I was playing a call it. This is a, this is my last night. He pulls me aside. I was playing a college 10 years ago. I don't say what college. And he goes, he signed a, you know, he goes, there's a contract. When you play colleges, you sign a contract. And he goes, he goes, he read the contract and the last line of contract is also you can't go into your, you can't wear your pants off and show your underwear. That's what it says in the contract. And he asked, you know, me and the college go, why is that in there? Because of Bobby Lee. I really, it wasn't even during the show. That was the worst part. Yeah. That's for any joke. Yeah. The grades like to tell that joke. The grades. Yeah. But, um, that was my closer. Yeah. I still close sometimes with that. And any more after the special. That's over. It's not in the special. What? Really? Oh, wait, save it. I do, I do a thing in the special. I created where I play my dad and I played myself. I want to give it away. But my dad appears. And I, I, I shot it months before real dad or like I played me. Oh, you play it. So I was on prosthetics. And I had a conversation with my dad. So you were great on. Yeah. That was great. Very interesting. Grace yellow. Okay. Yeah. Nice. Not gray, black, white, but whatever you are. You stick eyebrows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've no eyebrows. Okay. There's a slam or what? No. I have no than too much. I like. I like my marks. Crouching. Yeah. Is it a showbiz thing? Crouching marks, but I'm more than one special in this fucking life. Oh, man. Anybody want to drape up on? You're right. Yeah. My work ethic's not good. I don't even know if he didn't put out. I don't need it. I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By turn. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, let's, let's start a new. Let's start a new. All right. Let's start a great time in a podcast. It wasn't this one. Yeah. You don't think that this one. No, it's a garage. You don't think that it's a garage. Yeah. I thought this was a very good podcast. I think every time we do it together, it's good. I love it. I love it. We love it. We add information. Yes. We do light. We do light slams. We open up. We open up. You know, I mean, there's a deep friendship. There were moments of darkness. There were moments of lightness. Yeah. It was a great podcast. Can I tell you something about you, Sam? And this is true. Yeah. I tell this a lot of people. It's not. It's a factual thing. I go, whenever I'm in New York, the only person that's truly nice to me is Sam Morales. What? You're not. What are you talking about? Yeah, you're not. What do you mean? I show you, you know, you're, no, you're like, this is what you do. If you ever need anything or you know, place to go to eat or you know, you know, where to hang or where to go up, I can help you. And you're always like, I'm, you and Rachel, fine sign actually. I know. Do you remember? Yeah. I remember. Yeah. You remember. There's an animal shelter down the line. Yeah. Yeah. And you were like, it sounds great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So every time I'm in New York, you're always so like general. You were down in the dumps once. Yeah. This is where you're basing this off. Cause no, we've always, I'm always happy when you're in the city. Cause I do feel this way, like when people visit New York, especially from L.A. Yeah. Especially when the people I like, like you, yeah, I want to make sure they're having a good time. Yeah. I feel like we represent the city a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And you were really down in the dumps one time. I was dumb in the dumps. And Rachel and I kind of were like, come with it. We're like, we were trying to cheer you up. Yeah. And you're basing this up down. You were, but we know, but I like the cheer people up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's because, um, you know, um, Chris rocks that I have. Hello. Oh, you know, I mean, that'll hurt. You know, half hello. Really? Really? Yeah. Yeah. Not even the first. What's up, Lee? And then you know, you have to have a half a lot, right? Yeah. And also, the city kind of, like, I don't know where to go to eat. You know, I know L.A. I have a lockdown because I'm we got good cats too. I'm with side. You know, yeah. You know, I'm with side, dude, all day every day, dude. What's up? You know, you text me. I'll tell you whatever you need to know. But you're, you're, if I may say, please, you're in and out. I'm always in. What do you mean? From a club jump? I do. I do. I'm always on the run. Yeah. Hey, Mark, you're, you know, you don't do a half a lot. You do a full hello and a lock. I and what's up? I look at it and a full body hog. Yes. All of that. Okay. So that's what I'm saying right now. Okay. Uh-huh. Well, you my friend. Well, because you're at the seller. I'm hanging. I'm doing a few selling. I'm sure he's running around the whole. I just like to do a few at the seller and chill there. But you have ADHD. Sure. Yeah. But if you hit me in the day, I got it. I don't know. At night of the ADHD. Right, right. And you have, and you have social anxiety. Yeah. I could see it in your eyeballs. That's bad. But you, you in New York, it's kind of like us. You, you, you in New York. You in New York. It's like us in Los Angeles. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, when we're here, we're just like, we don't have to fuck to do. You don't know what to do. And not really. We're a little lost. I got it. Chipotle. You do? Yeah. I hear. I mean, here's how our friendship could evolve. I want to bug you. We'll see. We're on our head. I know. Here's it. And I swear to God on my mother's life. And my mother's still alive, by the way. Great guys. And I love more than anything on earth. Okay. I'm, I'm being real. Yeah. I swear to God, my mother's life. Wow. You could text me 24/7 and ask me anything. I'll answer you. Hey, met with Barbosa. You called me? No one else answered, but me. I know. I got a clip out of that. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm there. If you did me. Yeah. So if you call me, I've been working. He's talking about real friendship. He's talking about clips. Evidence is a support that. He's saying something deep here, Mark. Yeah. I'm talking something. Yeah. I know. See, you're got uncomfortable because I'm being deep. Yes. And then you turn into when I act, I'm going to try to do your, you know what I'm saying? That's what it sounds like to me. Your comedy. Yeah. And you're doing one of those. Uh-huh. And I'm being real with you. So I'm a car. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. All right. You call all answers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But uh. Petagali. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The old white. She's to do it. White's only. Oh, key, doggy, pal. Gotcha. Like a bakery. Like a bakery. By the way, do we really have to sit in this episode for six months? (laughs) Yeah. How long have we done? No, literally, PR people or stuff, whoever they talk to are like, "You gotta wait till the special comes out for this episode to come out." Yeah, you gotta wait. Come on. I have a special coming out. Why? We'd like to put those in good air. No, it's not good. This is great. You just said it was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it's gonna not. You do what? It's good. Yeah, you do. And then you don't. All right, so I'm gonna say this. Okay. If you fucking waited until August. I think this was a good one. But can you do a closer to when the special comes out? We'll go, we'll give you some breathing room. Yeah, give me some breath. So what month is it now? June. Why do you keep doing that in farting? Uh, I thought we were. You know, you fart and you burp. But wait, it's not June. I was just trying to get ahead of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much time have we done? Hour and a half. Okay, this has been great. This has been great. It's a really good one, right? Yeah. Yeah, fucking probably pissing me upstairs right now. Yeah, yeah, anyway. I'm a little off the show here. Can I fart on that camera? On that mic? We love you, too. Whoa. Yeah, that was a cat suit. Yeah, that was a cat suit fart. Yeah, that was North Korean. Yeah, whoa. Dude, that was so bad. That's so bad. Because you fart and burp all the time. Yeah, I didn't even think about it. Yeah, yeah, so I do it. Do you ever do it on stage? Well, this is our last episode of recording. Whoever said there's going to get fucked up here. Yeah, do you ever go stage? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I like I'll have a fart. I go, hey, everyone. Shh. I have to fart. And something grisly comes out. Don't go over the hulu floser. I know. And some of the women in the audience, they don't like it. They don't like that kind of humor. Why? They're not farting. They're not farting. Yeah, quieves from the audience. They're farting, you should say. Women get embarrassed by quieves. And I'm like, I'll let it ride. Bobby, we'll always remember. Farts, I like quieves. They are stuck in horror. I think that new material is going to leak right out of you, buddy. I feel good about it. Yeah, I feel good about it. It takes forever. Sometimes it does for my next vendor. A bit of fever, wrecking all the futures close. I've had a little too much farting. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking hope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof, like a cop's coming. And they could send you well as feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember. We might be true.