Bob's One Man Show (Part 2)

Good evening, tetal listeners, or watchers, and welcome to "Destractable"! This episode, malicious Markham walked away, talked tongue twisters, then put their big buddy through his paces, "Mumster Lobster Bobster!" Clips the bird, is ignorant of swine, has his nut stolen, gets bad gifts, goes adventuring, fingers on lob, and burns in lava, from massive murderers, to mapping methodically, hehehehees! It's time for, Bob's one-man show, part two, now sit back, and prepare to be distracted, and enjoy the sh- We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin, I regret to inform you that I, Robert Jahanathy, my- wait, what the fuck, Jahanathy? I regret to inform you that I, Robert Jahanathy, my skins, in sound mind, in sounderbody, have murdered both my more attractive and more intelligent go-os, in a fit of elephantine jealousy. One being obviously more attractive and intelligent than the other, but now that they have both been reduced to piles of mush, neath my mighty elephantine hooves, the difference hardly matters, please read all instructions allowed and less stated otherwise, hold finger to ear and look to the side. One moment, what's that? Oh really, they're not only near ungulates, and not true ungulates, so their anatomy is analogous to a foot, oh it is a foot, you're saying that an elephant hoof is actually a foot, what's that? I'm still calling it a hoof and not a foot, not a true ungulate, near ungulate. Well, how's about you're getting dangerously close to near-strang ungulation, pal? Oh, oh fuck, just who the fuck do you think you are? The fuck in this sentence should have take one full complete breath, if you did not use one full entire breath, please go back and do it properly. Fuck, do you think you are, that was juicy. I just killed two guys, you think I would hesitate for even a single second to give you the same kind of treatment? I think you should think real hard and long before you think about correcting me live on the air again. If I want to call an elephant tootsie a hoof, then I sure as my ass is long, I am going to call them "Loscious twinkle toes, hooves." All right, love you too, grandma. See you, brooch. Release finger from ear. Ah, fucking shit. [laughs] Gotta go do it all again. No, no, I'll let the- I didn't write in specifically to go do it again, so I'll leave it all at the end. Kirk, click. Beep, beep, beep. Clear throat in a somewhat obnoxious manner, but not too obnoxious. We'll tell you if it's too or not too obnoxious, but one of us speaks in riddles and one of us speaks in rhymes. [laughs] That was a little obnoxious. Aw, fuck. How do I- Oh, um. [laughs] Who said that? I'm the riddleer. I'm the riddle one. [laughs] Oh, I know the solution to this riddle. Mark said that. Wait, no, he's got a rhyme in it, Wade. Not to gloat, but when you cleared your throat, it reminded me of a boat. Now back to our goat. Me? I'm goat. It was too obnoxious. Oh, okay. That was good. I don't want a riddle again. [laughs] I think we create self-defeating gangs. That's why I favor a bit so far. That was fun. Well done. Now back to our main story. Murder? Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Mame? What? Me? Please just articulate with either one or both hands in a new way with each line. If you didn't just articulate it all, please start over and just articulate. Murder? Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Mame? What? Me? [laughs] Just different, right? [laughs] The bobster. Lobster bob. Bob the knob. Nope, that's not different. The bob the knob. Bob the clobber. The guy who just threatened his grandma. The grave rob wink wink bur. You sure? This guy? [gasps] Really? If any of your gesticulations involve putting a figure of thumb at yourself or anything else. Don't say any of these lines. Let's go back to the beginning and get started over, but you may not repeat any gesticulations. All gesticulations look the original. Different than the magic of the moment. The bobster? Lobster bob? Rob the knob? Bob the clobber? Grave rob wink bur. You sure? This guy? Really? Oh, I hit my mic so hard. [laughs] Well, if you would dare to think for even Uno Manuto that I would commit L murder upon my two best friends. But to be clear, I am not their best friend only the vice-versi where they are my best friends and I am not theirs. Then you have two things coming to you. Put up your dukes like an old-timey boxer of the Fisticuffs era. Why, I oughta. You are cruising for a bruise and I oughta collaca. You're going to be seeing its stars. You're asking for a flat lip. I'm going to pound you into hamburger. I'll melt you one. Oh, you're highlighting the thing I'm trying to read, buddy. You're going to be sleeping with the fishes. Speaking of sweet little fichis, you know who else is sleeping with the fishes. Mark N. Wade. You did well. You are swell. I can never lie, I tell. Damn it. It'll be this Bob Man. Who's the one who did well reading those lines? It was me. I got to go back to Ridley's school. I wasn't expecting the switch of rolls. Well, that's a good warm-up to the episode. I feel good. Oh, there's more. There's more. I mean, I'm not done warming up yet, obviously. But that's right, Mark and Wade are sleeping with those beautiful, sexy fishes because I killed them. Wait, it's only three of them. Oh, me? This guy? Them? Jill? Huh? Mame? What? Me? The Bobster? Lobster Bob? Rob the knob? Bob the colobber? The grave rob wink wink her? You sure? This guy, if you failed to properly just circulate towards yourself in a manner that can be to the audience, the you are the person you refer to without using your thumbs or fingers in a pointing motion, of course. And you must go back to the beginning of this section, not to previous section unless you really want to. And start over, but you may not repeat any justiculations. All justiculations must be original to preserve the magic of the moment. I will say you, you accomplished the not pointing, but you repeated lobster, Bob. I remember this one distinctly as a lobster, Bob. Doesn't say I couldn't use one from a previous iteration that was a re- All justiculations must be original to preserve the magic. All right, fine. You know what? If you don't want to, I won't make you do it. It's okay, we have much worse things in store for him in the future. Oh, okay, good. Yes, true, that's true. All right, okay, all right. All right, I'm tired now. Just kidding about the murder thing. Or am I done, done, done. No, I'm kidding. Here they are. Introduce us. Oh, it's Mark and Wade. Hey, surprise. We're here. That's us. That was a good one. Well done, well done, Bob. Good job, Bob. At some point I was right and then I was like, maybe this is too long. It's, it's not. I mean, it's, I think it is longer. It's not substantially longer than last time. All right, welcome, everyone to Bob's second one, man. Show. Oh, yeah. Woo-hoo. Yeah, yeah. Are you the first one to get to and Mark has to? Mark has already done to, I think. Yeah, I think of it too. You've had one, Mark has had to and I've had one until this one. Yeah, which means Wade, you're due. I guess so. I got a win. I get a one-man show. This is true, that's true. Well, we're never going to let that happen. Well, we've got a great show cooked up for all the audience. And also, Bob, Wade wants you to introduce the first game of many that we're going to be playing. All right, so first up on the list, the three of us. have some similar routes. We're all Ohio boys. We all went to the University of Cincinnati. So, I thought we would put Bob's knowledge to the test with some Cincinnati jeopardy questions. All right. I know this stuff. Yeah. We don't have a whole board for you. I just have a few easy questions that it's very simple, very to the point, you know. Yeah, we didn't bother putting the categories up there. We don't have dollar amounts. You just get to pick, can I have number one, two, three, four, five, that's all you get. Well, I'm going to do the classic jeopardy strategy and start with number five. All right. You want me to read these? Yeah. You go first. I'll read this out. We'll alternate. Cincinnati has the only museum in the world dedicated to a specific art. The name of the museum being the vent haven museum. What art is it dedicated to? Oh, being a proper Cincinnati and I've been to this museum several times. It's clearly, that must be the real name of, no, that is the real name of that museum, vent haven. Well, it's got to be mud sculptures if it's Cincinnati. I'm so sorry. You didn't answer in the form of a question, but also you're wrong. That's kind of a question. It was, it was begging, right? It's got to be mud sculptures of a Cincinnati. If a museum, I guess it's the, the dolls of a museum of it's the vent haven museum. I'm assuming it's in the name for a reason. The ventriloquist haven. Sure. All right. What's your next question? Two, please. All right. Two. I got this one. Neil Armstrong, Ohio born also. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Also taught at the University of Cincinnati where he created two graduate level classes. Well, I guess, I guess the question would be in the form of the ants. Wait. Yeah. You gave me the answer. I have to ask, I have to answer. Created these two graduate level classes. What are moon and accounting 307? Oh, so close. I answered in form of a question, but the classes were the aircraft design course and experimental flight mechanics. So close. I thought you knew Cincinnati, Bob. I thought you knew Cincinnati. These are all just made up facts. Not worried about it. Four, please. The man who allegedly inspired the character Jay Gatsby from the great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is from Cincinnati. What was his name? Oh, that would be what is K. Gatsby. So sorry. Very close. The correct answer is who is George Remus? That's not, that's not a since daddy. I was thinking it was going to be one of the shots or the orbit or one of those croggers, one of those Cincinnati names. I think he inspired the guy and well, it says inspired Jay Gatsby, but based on his life story, it sounded more like he inspired well, I won't spoil the great Gatsby. One of the other characters who's who had a tragic ending. I'll spoil that. I don't want to spoil it, but just like Gatsby quite as much. One or three. One, please. In the 1800s, Cincinnati was the nation's leading pork producer. It earned this nickname for that honor. Oh, I know this one. This is plastered all over town. This is on if you walk downtown, Cincinnati, it's not a bunch of placards and things. What is the pig murdering capital of the Midwest? That is correct. No, that is not. Man, it wouldn't be wouldn't it. Man, that that is close. That is close. The answer is porkopolis. Pork. Oh, opolis. Much like megalopolis. It sounds like the city that Pigman hails from exactly. You got megalopolis. You got Pigman porkopolis sister cities. Would you like three? No. Okay. I guess is that then the episode if I refuse to engage with that or yeah, I guess it's three. All right. You might know this one. I don't know. I think this might be the easiest one on here. Doesn't seem like it. Which current NBA team was once known as the Cincinnati Royals? Oh, one would think it would be the other Ohio cities NBA team. But in fact, the answer is, of course, what are the Indiana Pacers? They actually I think they became the Kansas City Royals after Cincinnati and then they moved to Sacramento. That's a baseball team. Well, I think they were I think it was also in Kansas City. It was just Sacramento where they became the Sacramento Kings, which I didn't know that either. I have heard of them. That's not very close to either of those two Midwest cities. Based on the questions, you'd already asked this and then try to find just obscure, should I think you wouldn't know? It took me a lot longer to get these. You wouldn't have expected. And well done on getting none of them. Congratulations, Bob. Over. Nailed it. We're moving on with a score of zero to our very next game. It's a fan favorite. One of your very own hosting, Bob. If you made sense of theme in these, we are subjecting all of the things that we've subjected you to. We're moving on to reverse arrays. If you remember how this game went, Bob, do you? I don't. Okay. So we are going to shout instructions at you at the same time. And you are going to do the physical actions that we both are saying. And then you have to guess after a period of one minute to guess what you are. I have to answer in the form of a question. No, you can. If you know, yes, we will decide when we speak in riddles and rhymes at the end of this. All right, wait, I think we're just going to start at the first one and go down. And we'll just take turns shouting instructions. Yeah, what's for me? Me, you, me, you. All right. Here we go. Are you ready, Bob? Yes. Three, two, one, go. Stick your arm out. It's down. It's down. It's down. It's shoulder. It's shoulder. All right, shoulder. All right, careful. Close your hand as if you're gripping something moderately heavy. Okay. Now make a scooping motion. No, like this. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah, like scooping. Yeah. Okay. Do that once and then turn it over as if you're dumping something into something else. No, no, do a scooping motion and then swing it back on you. Oh, I see. As you do that, look from your hand up and then back down again. And then give a jazz hand with the other hand once you look back down again. Yeah, there you go. And then once you look back down again, go ahead and scoop so close. Oh, almost god. I might give us two minutes next time. Yeah, that might be necessary. All right, Bob. What are you? What are you? What are you? I am a person who is scooping and flipping. I mean, I have to be a SpongeBob working the griddle flipping crabby patties. Wow. That was close through that I was talking about. We managed to get out. You were flipping a pancake pancakes. We were working on pancakes. Oh, I think I misled you with the whole thing going up. I should have whenever you were doing the whole thing. So whenever you said scoop, I was like, oh, wait, you're starting with the batter, not the, we didn't plan out what our clues. So we're going to intentionally be informed with each other and you to make this harder. I feel like that was pretty close. That's the right idea. We got there. We got there. I don't know how you distinguish pancakes from any other thing that you flip on a griddle. Well, with more time, maybe we would have gotten to syrup, but you know, we'll never know. All right, we're going to move on to two minutes this time. I was just read it out loud. That would have been bad. All right, wait. You're going to give the first clue. Are you? Is everyone ready? Yes. Yes. All right. Three, two, one. Go! Bob, you're standing and you're going to take a step forward. Take another step. Take a third step, but as your foot hits the ground, pause for a moment and make a face as if you're contemplating God. Vibrations shooting up your leg. A moment you will never forget, but not for a good reason. Oh, no. Look up to the heavens and howl. Be all the fire and pain of a thousand deaths while looking up at the heavens. Oh! Remember that it's in the middle of the night and you don't wake anyone. Oh, I fall over clutching your leg and pulling your foot up to your hands. I don't think I could physically do that, but like, look down at the ground in anger. Look at the ground, look at your foot, look at the ground, look at your foot. Look at God, look at the ground, look at your foot. Look at the ground, look at God's foot. Oh, you know, I couldn't even make this a little more. There we go. Ah, there we go. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Just keep doing that until you're the timer. You pick up slowly. Pick up the pace. Take another couple steps. All right. There we go. Great. We won't get to anything else. Who are you? Oh, boy. So what did I do? I took a couple steps. Then I took a third step. That really hurt. And it was vibrations. And it was the fire and pain. of 10,000 deaths. I must have been walking in the Amazon and stepped on a nest of bullet ants. Ooh, very close. I think we'll accept that answer. I think more painful. That's like the most painful insect thing that exists, isn't it? I feel like that's worthy. The true reality was you were stepping on a Lego. Hey, I've done that. I haven't done bullet ants. I don't know how they compare. Oh, Lego is much worse. Trust us. Oh, with way worse way worse. Yeah, yeah, way worse. Didn't a bullet ant make that guy who lets insects bite him cry? He never cries. Probably, yeah. What's his name? Crazy Joey. I think it's called cry, cry boy. Cry boys? We're the cry boys. His name is the cry boys. All right, I added one inner weight. I see, I see that. Oh god. Okay. Are you okay with this one? Yeah, yeah, go for it. You're the first clue on this one. All right, I got it. Okay. All right. You're ready. Are you ready, Bob? Yes. Here we go. Stick both arms up in the air and out. It's in front of you. Read it. Feel the sensation of something moving up from your leg through your torso. Shimmee. Shimmee violently. Feel more wind in your Yeah, you can't move your arms, but you are protesting. What's happening? You're very upset when your hot balls are pressed. Wait, I don't think that's after it works. I think I am. Look, look to your armpit and go no, no, drop something from your other armpit and hoping to stop this. The look to where you're whatever dropped dropped and go no, not that one too. No, not that one too. But, you know, without talking, I guess. I don't know how charades work. This is reverse charades. The rules are all whatever. Look despondently as it's split in half on the grill. Keep shaping, shaking someone. Keep shaking. Oh, I'm sorry, you got it. Okay. I was clearly, I was the mermaid on the front of a ship and those were anchors falling from my armpits into the ocean. I gotta look up a word. But you have to look up a word about. Oh, I was correct. Yeah, why are you looking up a word? What a word are you looking up? I threw out the word fronds and I was like, what am I right about the word fronds? Oh, that might have been more way than I thought. I didn't understand what that word was. Okay, so I was a palm tree. What was happening? My coconuts were falling off. My top balls. Someone was stealing your coconuts. Oh, I see. Someone was climbing you to steal your coconuts. That's why you were dropping your other one to attack them. Oh, it was climbing up me. That's right. That's right. Yeah, that was the shaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did not realize fronds were specific to a palm tree. I might have just given away the whole thing. You almost did. Only had been paying attention. But we got many more waiting for you, Bob. Can we do one that involves less holding my arms up out like that for a while? Just to give him a break. Yeah. Yeah. You want to do the one that has him hold his arms up for? I got really bad shoulders. I'm not in shape for that much arm holding. And do you think the next one has much arm holding? Or we could skip to the last one. I mean, there's that one. Yeah, that one has no arm holding for sure. For sure. There was no arms in that one. Okay, you're first on this. Three, two, one, go. All right. I want you to bend down with your face towards your desk, making a puckering face. Now make a make a smoochy face. Yeah, maybe that's what I was looking for. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. But look down. Begin sucking as you move your head down further and further towards your desk. Now, reel your head back. But let's be clear about this. This isn't a bobbing motion. It's your, you're reeling it in. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Yep. All right. That one's done. Now you open your mouth wide and go back down, back down, and be prepared for a big chomp. Uh huh. Now I guess chomp. Now we go back to the kissy face sucking. You got to get down in there. Mm hmm. Yep. That's it. Now, waggle your head side to side. Keep going. You've made a bit of a mess. Wipe your face off on your shirt there a little bit, but no using your arms. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, both sides, both sides, you know, both sides. Yeah. There you go. And look over and go like as if, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give a good nod, but more telling you. Oh, good. Oh, that's why. All right. That's it. I they call me armless Joe Baguze and I was just eating my gabagool. Am I a thing I would know what this is? Yeah, you know, it's not far. Well, you're not far off. I mean a spaghetti and meatballs eating competition in in little Italy. That you know, I'll give that one to you. That's basically it. That's close, except there was one constraint. I'm tied up for some reason that I don't understand. Am I in a mental institution in a straight jacket for some reason? No, no, close enough. Just know you tensils. Oh, no, you tensils. Okay. That's the one seems to be your hands dirty. I don't want you to be a monster. So we're gonna have you leave with your mouth. Okay. All right. Last one. Are you ready, Bob? Oh, hooray. Three, two, one. Look off. All excited. Like you're about to pee your pants. Oh, excited. Excited. Happy. Happy. Excited. Look down at something in front of you that look up. Still excited as you reach toward it. Reach down or reach up. Reach down. Yes. Skip towards it. Skip. You're so happy. Skip. Skip. Skip. Yeah. Grab. Hold it in your hands and take one of them and reach toward the top. And pull hard. Oh, that's good. One more time. Do the same thing. One more time. Other side. Bigger. It's a bigger item than what you're holding. I think. All right. You're looking. You're looking at it and you your excitement starts to fade. Keep ripping different parts of the outside of this off. And you're looking more and more disappointed the more of it you see. Kind of give a shrug. Throw that one away. Reach for another. What you grab is definitely more square shaped. Cube shape even. I can feel it. Reach pull. Other side. Reach pull. I don't know. I feel about this one. I love where this says God. I love where I'm never going to give another clue. There's four seconds left. Bob, what do you think? You just keep up. Keep opening. You're disappointed. Yeah. Keep opening. Yeah. Keep opening. You're just so disappointed. Bob, what do you think you're doing? Well, until it was cube shaped, I thought I had some idea what I was doing. Yeah. What was it? I thought I was a monkey finding banana. That's where I thought that was. As soon as I saw you do that motion, I was like, no, he totally thinks it's a fucking banana. Oh, no. How did he get that from that? Okay. It's more cube shaped. I just not a lot to go on that I'm picking up on. Subtext wise to imply what this was. You were excited to open something. You ran toward it. I seem to have just found this. I didn't like get it from somebody or something. Well, okay. Well, so if it's cube shaped, it has to be like a present. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. By opening someone else's presents at their birthday party. No, simpler, simpler than that. Am I opening presents I found? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Are the presents socks? I mean, they could be. I mean, it's disappointing. You're opening a disappointing present. They're disappointed. You got it. Nothing. Not the poor monkey with the disappointing banana. How the fuck do you cycle past open presents? No, you didn't that. You said grab it from the top and do a peeling motion. I was thinking you pick it up and you peel you take I was gonna untie the bow. No untie bows. They're stuck on with tape. You just tear the paper. Or you pull it out. You pull it off either way. You gotta do this. Oh, I had a real bow as a kid. That's my bad. I only peel things. I'm gonna eat with one hand. Okay. I guess you could eat the bow, but I wouldn't recommend it. It did like the excited like you're gonna pier your pants, feel more monkeys than, you know, a child at Christmas. That's what I was going for. You know, yee-e-e. Alright, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. This episode of "Destractable" is brought to you by you by quints. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on a repeat sweater that goes with everything? 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It's just a line painted on the floor. Just is a short line painted on the floor. Is it oriented in any particular way? It could be an L could be a one could just be a line. It's just just a line. Let's call them West East south and north just for orientation. Let's just say you have a compass that you could see. You have a north door south or east and west. I go to the north door and feel it out to see if it's like hot. Like there's a fire or something on the other side. Nope. It's a white painted wooden door. There's actually windows, but if you go to look through the windows, you can't see anything on the other side. It's got a golden hop. Am I wearing any clothes? You're dressed as you normally are, but you don't have anything other than the compass and the clothing on your back. You don't only have anything that would help you other than your hands with you can use it to turn door knobs. I take my shirt off and wrap it around my good hand and I try and punch out one of the panes of glass in this door that I can't see through. This is the north-facing door. The north door, yes. The glass is not right. I put my shirt back on and I try the knob to see if it's locked. It is not. It opens. I push it all the way open dramatically. As the door opens, you find yourself "wushed" into the next room before you have a chance to pause or look or anything else. You are now in the next room. Mark, do you want to describe the room yet me to keep going? Yes. The room is exactly the same as the last one except on the floor is a circle. If I look around, is there anything else to see in this room or is it just non-descript room area? It's four doors, painted white, gold knob, windows, opaque, can't see through. Sealing is also white. But there's nothing other than the doors to notice and the circle on the floor. Four doors, four knobs, four blank windows, one circle. I'm doing north door again. I confidently walk to the north door. We'll open it, push it open dramatically. It's a brown oak door. As you open it, you're "wushed" into the next room, which is a green painted room. Also with four doors. No windows this time. One of the doors is a garage door, one is a steel door and the other two are just wooden doors. Is there anything on the floor of this room? There is another line. North door again. I don't know which one that is, but I'm going to keep going now because I'm finding edge here. That is the garage door. You pull a chain and the garage door opens and you're "wushed" into a room? Maroon! Walls! There's a port-cullis gate on the west door. There's a tiny mouse door on the north door. There's a man-shaped door that looks exactly like your body on the east door and then it's the door you came through the garage one to the south. And now on the floor, there is a two. I'm going to try and see if I can Alice in Wonderland myself through the mouse door, I guess. The north one. The north. I'm going to keep going north. You shrink down as far as you can. Not literal. You shrink down. You reach a tiny finger to the tiny door knob. You squeak! It open. Fire rushes out and explosion. Like blasts you from that door. Hmm. You're very dead. You're dead. Yeah, you're dead. Oh. You're back in the room that you first started in. Ah, fuck. There's a line on the ground. Four doors. North, south, east and west. Yo, we short circuit this a little bit. North or whoosh. North or whoosh. Maroon room. We're actually one more whoosh. Maroon room. You're in the room with the two. Ah, I'm in the room with the two. I don't go north. I go west to the port. Callus. Wade. You could see through port calluses, right? Not this one. Oh, okay. Well, you open the door and you're whooshed in. You find yourself standing on a platform beneath you. There's water and a bunch of tall fins. Sharks? All of a sudden the platform you're sitting on disappears. You fall into the water and are engulfed and eaten slowly and painfully by a bunch of sharks that for whatever reason want to take their time with you. You're back in the starting room. North or whoosh. North or whoosh. North or whoosh. East. The man-shaped door. Man-shaped door. Yes. You slide. You point at the door. You go like, "Tit's door was made for me. It's my door. It was made for me. You for some reason take off all your clothes and you shimmy in through the door. You slide in perfectly and then your swoosh. Shushed into a new room with a line on the ground. The doors are fun and interesting. Got a one in three chance here. I definitely still need to see if I can go north. All right, you open a door to the north. Well, you're whooshed in and across the room you see what looks like jail bars, but there's somewhat opaque. You can kind of see through them. They're like a red in color and they seem to be approaching you. They're spaced apart only by a couple of inches and they're getting closer and closer and closer and closer. South or whoosh. A force of the door doesn't open. You're you're prying at the door and prying at the door, but unfortunately these lines get closer and closer until they start to burn into your skin, separating you into many pieces as these lasers cut through you and kill you. That's one of my favorite seeds from the Resident Evil series. Only that guy had taken a step backwards. I know, honestly. He was so cool. Too cool for that show. Anyway, you're back at the start. Fuck all everything else I did. South door. You step through the south white door, same as all the other doors in the original one and you're whooshed into a room. It is a lovely shade of pink and the doors are all shaped like hearts. Every one of them and you hear romantic music emanating from all around you and there's a two on the ground. I don't like the two. West heart door. You open a door to the west. A nice lovely heart shaped door and you're washed in. Inside of the room, it feels like you're in a forest, there's trees everywhere, you can't really see any doors, but you think you see some movement off to your left. As you're looking to investigate, you hear a noise from your right or now behind you, and you look and see if a loss of raptors and leaps and bites your head off and kills you. You're dead again. You slide through that other door that was really interesting, really interesting door, and you're put in a very, very boring room, it's exceptionally boring. This room is about as plain can be. It seems like shotally constructed, there's a dry wall that's not even applied on some of the walls over there, and then there's a really shittily painted two crayon on the ground. Can I go back one? Yeah. You find you are able. West door. Woosh. South instead. You move to the door in the south. When you are whooshed in, you feel as though you're in your own living room, except for the fact that, well, where there should just be like some wide open space, there's still a door, and though it kind of looks like your house around, you can tell some of the walls are just images of your house, so it's not actually fully open, it's still a room with four doors. It just made the look like your living room. What's painted on the floor? There is a big, oh, a hell yeah. Painting with a wide looking paintbrush on the floor. East door. I push through the hologram. You're slurped, you're slurped, wetly, it's really juicy. You're going through this and you're like, oh god, weird. The other, the other room on the other side is actually another room in your home that's still painted all weirdly like that, you know, it's kind of the same. You just don't have any explanation why it was so wet, but there is a two on the ground. I go back to my living room, hush, south door. You open the door and as you're hushed in, you feel yourself kind of rocking and throwing a back. It looks like you're in a tiny rowboat on some water, but the rowboat is a no apparent immediate danger. You see, again, what looks like it should be open ocean, but on either side, there are four doors, and down on the bottom of your rowboat, there is a one, scratched almost out, but in a red south again. You row your boat south, gently down the stream, and you fall down a little waterfall, not a big one. It's actually kind of fun. You kind of go, wee, and you end up, oh, I'm on a beach. Back towards the ocean is the door you just came from to the north, and then there's, there's a palm tree with a door on it to the west. There's another tree to the east with a door on it, and then into the jungle, there's a little door on the way into the forest to the south. What number is on the beach? There's a line. Oh, number of this guy. Numbers. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What? Well, to complete my plan, I must go south once more. You go south, and unintended from our previous game, as you open the door, you find yourself in a forest is the wrong word, but a room full of a bunch of palm trees. It seems lovely. A little hammock that you can, I guess, take a break on if you choose to. And again, four doors with walls painted like they should be the beach, further inland, maybe a city off the one side, and on the hammock is scrawled in yellow. A number two. I walk over to the hammock and frantically start searching for the penny that I think is hidden somewhere upon it or with it. You do find scrawled on the hammock, and what looks to be crayon again, sorry I took your penny. I was right though. It was there at one point. Oh, that's pretty good. But there are still three doors, one south, one east, one west, and the one you came into the door. Well, I've completed the loop now. Then, I'm going to finish my test. There's a gambit. I go west. You step through the forest door, what looks like a forest, and you're back into a familiar room that we all remember what it is. And you're like, whoa, I've been here before this room. Oh, man. Is it the heart one? This is the heart room. Yeah. It's the heart one. I knew I knew those shapes. You go, you say in your head, and you look down again like, yep, there's that too. There's that romantic music. You originally entered this room through the north, and you went west last time, and this time you're coming from the east. I go north, east, west, north again. Oh, hold on. Whoa, hold on. And I'm back in the robot room, yeah. You went north, whoosh, north to the starting room, east to the beach, north to the robot on the ocean. Yep, yep. That's where you are. And what number is there's a one in the robot? The line in red scratched onto the floor. Oh, wait. Shit. The room you were just in was the one north of the starting room, right? You went north from the starting room, that's through with an oh, and then you just went east, there's a room with a, that's, that's got a line in it, yeah. I go south one to the beach, and west one to the room that's just north of the starting room, and I go through the west door, which I haven't done yet. Hold on, hold on. Okay, you go south, then west. I think he's slightly misremembering, but what he's wanting to do is go to the room north of the starting room and then go west. Okay, yes. That's my goal. All right. You open a door. And as you open it, you're whooshed in. There are a bunch of pillars, very tall pillars. In fact, the room is so tall you can't see the ceiling. Etched on each pillar is a number two, and there are three doors. One to the west, one to the north, and one to the south. Pillars themselves are unremarkable, they're white stone. And then there's a nice, like, not matte, but like a gloss finished to the floor. Still stuck. I mean, I need to go back east one to the room that's just north of starting. And then I want to go north one, so I have two north of starting room. What's on the floor in there? Align. Align. Yeah. And you have gone. I think at this point you've come from the south, you've gone north, and maybe you've gone east from that one. Well, I know what's east of there. I have to go north once more. That's on the line of the floor of the maroon room. The two. And you've opened every door in that room. Shit. The port callus, yeah, you've done every room in that one. And if I go east once, that's the man-shaped door, and then if I go east again, that's the slurperty door. What's on the other side of the slurperty door? Is it two on the floor of that one? There's a two on the floor of that one, and when you walked in there before, you just immediately backed out. By the rules of me, I have to go north in that room. From the two, okay? You go through the north door of that room, and you find yourself suddenly in the center of a volcano, and you look down, you're sitting on magma. And magma is very solid. It still hurts, but you're slowly sinking, very slowly, agonizing, that way it may be, but it's taking a while, so you're like, they kind of get bored, and you're like, "Good." There it's again, and then you keep sinking, and you're dead. I, I swim away. You do not. You find yourself back in the starting room. I have to go east from there. You go to the room to the east. Not magma this time, but the makers of this place must have gotten kind of lazy. You find yourself in a jungle, you're standing in, I don't know, water, mud, no, you're sinking. You're sinking, slowly, you're sinking. It's not painful, but you can't get out. And so it's like, well, it's slightly better than the last one, but also like, can I just die already? Can anyone help me out? No. It's quick, Sam. You die. I'm back in the starting room. Yes. You're back in the starting. North loose. North loose. North loose. East loose. East. Slurpy. South. You traverse south. It's a long journey. This one. Weirdly long. But you find yourself on the other side of a clearing. It's a nice meadow. There's grass growing. You hear birds chirping, and then there again, it's all just images, so it's not real. But the illusion is very convincing in this one. There's doors on either side of the meadow that just go off into the clearing here, and there's a, in flowers, actually, there's a two very beautifully grown on the ground. Shit. I want to say, but you've done incredibly well. I can't remember enough things to remember what I, which room I need to get back to right now. I could try to quickly make us visual aid if it helps. I'm making my own visual aid. I go west west two times from here, and that brings me back in the starting column. Is there a one on the floor of that room? There's a line. Well, we will never confirm or deny what that is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I go south one, and then East one. Is that the beach? That is the roadboat room, I believe. I go back west one. What's on the floor of that one? That one has a circle, yeah. Okay. That's the two room with the columns and the glossed floor. If I go south and then East one, that's the jungle. You have not gone south. Oh, oh, wait, wait. I'm in the room with the two. The room with the two that you just entered, you've only come or that you've come from the east. You've gone west to get to that room, north south and west from there and not explored. I mean, I guess south should put me back in the hearts room. You step into what you think is the hearts room, but turns out all the hearts are upside down. There's a big queen on a throne and she goes off with his head and then let him put a bunch of cards, carry you off and they chop up your head. I think your map is slightly off of what you think you've been. That's not great. I will tell you this much, the column you were just in is one that you've only gone to twice from two different, well, three times, I guess, from different places and those of all ended in death, so the heart room is not in this column, it's the column one to the right. I'll share this map with you eventually and I've actually been keeping track of it. of your journey in the starter room you're in the starter room I go west one what's on the floor in that room you go west one from the starting room you see a bunch of upside down hearts and a queen I see I see you're in the starter room I'm very excited for him to see me too I have each each of his journeys I've got color coded so you can see kind of what it's getting very full I go south from the starter room what's on that floor a two I think that was the heart room this is the heart room yeah have I explored from this room to anywhere else yet you went west and died you went east to another room with a two you did not go south the whole west and south is just dead ends then so I'm in the room that's one south of the starting room yes and there's a two on the floor yes and I have gone east you've gone east you've gone you've come from the north you've gone east you've gone west and died you've not gone south I mean I'll try it just for fun see that'll go south but it's gonna be a death there's a guy waiting for you with a gun on the assays like he's shaking his head like oh you knew you knew I was here you knew I was here any aims and pulls the trigger you knew you're in the starter room east one this is the beach I think do we each has a one is a one by go south I'm in the two room those are connected so from the beach I go north that room has a one one that's the that's the robot from there I go north circle my map is fucked up because I only have dead ends east from the circle you've been there's a two north of the circle is a one north east of the circle is a two north of the circle is a one yep I have those north west of that circle is a two and straight west of that's a one yep I mean says are all dead ends not not necessarily shoot do you want a hint I feel like you need a hint yeah I feel like I'm I'm not getting the full puzzle go back to the starter room right I go back to start a room you on your map if you go north what's there zero okay cool you're you're there in the north room what's to the west of that on your map but two from which I have gone all they south oh that's what's messed up okay uh you have to go west again then you go west and you enter a room of gold it almost looks like the inside of a pyramid but very new and fresh there's a one on the ground and three stone doors the door you came in is just a normal like bedroom wooden door the other three doors are all stone they look like they'd be very heavy and hard to open well I gotta go north you push against the stone door as you can push push push push it moves a little bit shimmy push push you step out and you're like oh cool it's all stone around me it's like a inside of a chimney or something and then it starts getting hotter and hotter it is a chimney you're in a chimney you burn the death you're not sure if you die from smoke inhalation first or the flames okay I go start a room northwest west west again you go to push open the stone door this one is paper mache it just kind of falls apart and breaks really easily and you find yourself inside what looks like a classroom there's only one desk in the classroom in the very center it has a one on it and there are three doors because this place west again are you go into another room it is a series of catwalks so you're on a catwalk going this way and then there's another intersecting catwalk going there still still uh increasing but intersecting there but it's a T junction right so your catwalk comes up here just to a thing there is no door to the west but you look in the the catwalk is highlighted so it looks like a line like a like a distinct line but there's a door to the north at the end of that catwalk there's a door to the south end of that catwalk and the one you just came from well I have to go north you go north you're reached into a room and you're standing on a very narrow catwalk there's nowhere to really go and the catwalk is proceeding beneath your feet eventually there's nothing to stand on and you fall in there than a bunch of spikes in time okay I'm in the starting room I go back to the catwalk T junction room and I go south you you enter into a room that has a a kind of semi-circle on it there's kind of a gap down beneath you but it's a D shaped room where there's still no door to the west but there's kind of a semi-circle path around this cat them and there's a door to the east and door to the south but there's a clearly it's trying to make the shape of a uh an oh on on the ground it's just for redundancy in case someone's like oh they're gonna think it's a D there's there's also a scrolled oh on the on the ledge oh I have rooms I haven't explored but I don't know if those are gonna be exits I go east you open the door to the east and you find yourself on the moon you can breathe everything seems fine there are four doors one you came in and three other ones and there's a crater in the middle of the room the middle of the moon room uh a very round crater and you look inside the crater and there is a drawn circle inside the crater all right well just so I could say I've looked at I go east one more time you step into a really dingy basement it is dark dimly lit there is liquid dripping all down all the walls there's some ominous thumping happening from somewhere you can't locate but otherwise you know it's just a basement and there are four doors one kind of leads to a spooky you know area or one kind of leads to a dimly lit area but they're all equally spooky each way and then there's a line on the ground well I guess I can go south from there you find yourself on like the set from blues clues it's very drawn and cartoony and fun looking again the walls look like a place you could maybe walk to but they are painted walls in the middle of the room is a couch and on that couch there is a red line drawn there are four doors one you came in and three up oh and on the table there is a pile of mail that looks like it hasn't been opened I'm just gonna do it methodically from here on out I don't care if it's boring I go west to the room with the one in it yeah you go west and whoa that's great you're under water and you're swimming and you can still breathe you're kind of and oh there is indeed a line of coral yellow coral in a line right there on the ocean floor I swim west to the other room with a one in it you swim to the door which opens up and you end up inside a fun little submarine it's like a middle compartment of a submarine you came in from the water and then there's an entrance to the south maybe to the front of the submarine entrance to the back of the engine of the submarine but then the opposite side from where you came in is just a solid wall of submarine there's no way to go that way yeah yeah west wall got it is there a number there's a line now we're getting somewhere east east south you enter into a stage there's an audience in front of you and they're chanting every room every room every room and then they hold up a bunch of signs that says to all right south again maybe you go into the door and you see you and Mark sitting at your desks playing Minecraft you each have a drink in hand and there's a third chair but it's empty and as you go to look at the third chair and turn it around you feel like something's wrong your heart starts to clasp and shake you go to catch your breath but you can't you look over and marks withered away as you fall and withered away and die yourself I died yeah you died yeah you died oh interesting my map is still got issues just as we all really did playing drunk Minecraft we died you know that's what really happened okay well I could tell you from what from what I remember right what you did was you were in a room with the line you went south there's a room with the two with the chanting people you went south and died yeah well I thought I knew it was east of that room but I think I'm wrong because now I'm in the started room and I have to go north west west south south south east you open the door and inside there's a bunch of stacks of hay and you're trying to walk around these different stacks of hay and you hear a weird noise it sounds like hey orgasm okay yeah actually I'm gonna say sounds like someone being murdered you're gonna find a pig having sex with a blanket but you just find out do it so yes there's a pig hump with a blanket and on the blanket there's a big old number two uh again I think your your map might be slightly off wait but if there's a two there there's a two there and uh from my recollection if you were keeping track of this the room to the north and to room to the east you've explored before yeah but that means that the room to the south of that is a death that means I've fucked up my map again to where I found a dead I've dead ended myself you fucked up your math again because you've not been to the room to your south of where you are now no I know that but I've been north and that's safe and I've been west and that's safe and if there's a two in this room yeah that's that's incorrect okay so I missed that's the room I'm missing I'm missing north of you was a death east of you was a death missing this room so I have to go south I just like straight up didn't fill in a room there so you're going south from that one south I go south yes you you step into another kind of blank room you're like oh man everything else was so exciting but this one has very yellow walls very distinct yellow walls you're kind of oh good getting weird familiar vibes there's no door to the south but there is a line on the ground and then a just a hall That goes down to the east and a hall that goes down to the west. I go east All right You open the door It's a very dark room and the center. There's a wooden table with a birthday cake on it The candles are mostly all burnt down There's one little sad flame left and there's an older lady sitting down in a chair seemingly unaware of your presence. She's wearing a party hat But she's smoking a cigarette. There's a bottle of vodka sitting in front of her You can see past her there is a door to the north and a door to the east In the door you came and there's no door to the south. I go east. You open the door to the east and as you open it There's a blinding white light that hits you. It hurts your eyes burn But there's a warm breath and you see that the light is actually coming in from the south where there's not been a door prior as you go to investigate you step outside and As you step out you feel the warm breeze the wind the sun hitting you There's a path in front of you leading to what looks like a celebration ahead and as you glance back You see a big just solid ugly metal structure that you have now stepped out of and on the ground You see you win scrawled without much excitement and no punctuation I literally went to every fucking room in the whole place. You went to every fucking room Let me you went to every room. An achievement pops up in the corner of your vision that says wow every room Really You don't have to show me the map. I figured it all out. There's the map So this was a bee where you started you explored the fuck out of this little half I just added this but I was like I mean one of the odds he even goes to all these But you did it in the exit. Yeah, there you go. You got out right there. We literally made every detail None of the details fucking matter. We made everything up as we went other than the fact that there were x's that were deaths and numbers So you're like am I back in the robot room? That's what the fuck's the robot That's what I was testing. Honestly what I was focused on the northeast part I was like I mean to the zip around and be like okay. I'm on the beach. Okay. I'm in the robot room Okay, and because I thought you guys were making it up and I thought you'd start forgetting if I fucked around with it too much I think we did a pretty good job. We remembered the heart room We remembered the beach and what Mark and I did a pretty good job remembering the rooms that you went through I think so after a while. Yeah, I don't actually think I got you guys confused on any of it I think you you started to work it out kept it kept it consistent Well done congratulations with a whopping One point for that one correct answer. You got a while back that makes you Alright, I think you had 11 deaths maybe 12 wait a few I don't know. I wasn't keeping track of the desk. It was a lot. It was a lot. Yeah, it was a lot I kept 12 deaths. I think but yeah, you you did it. Congratulations. I think Mark and I worked harder in that last game than you did But you know what you prevailed Sometimes that's how the one-man shows go, but you know if thanks for being a good sport Winners-beach I guess it feels good to win I'm not very good at puzzles and I don't know how I lost track of an entire room during that bit Could have solved it way faster. I think if I wasn't so confused for much of the middle portion of it But that's what happens. That's the show. This is what distractables always like lots of puzzles And scripted performances. That's what we do now look forward to a weird mix-up where I probably host some sort of a stupid game or something in the next one when I'm But we'll get back to our usual programming soon. Don't worry about it everybody and good thing I didn't murder wait a mark Okay, that is a good bit. Let me throw out there and we didn't do small talk People ask Molly's doing very well from her surgery. She's recovering well I'll talk about more in the next one, but just as a piece of mind for everyone. She is doing very well. They're doing great Yeah, I made that map literally today the mind sweeper map I wanted to take you to figure out that you were like a mind sweeper situation with the numbers their room That's pretty quick. Okay. I mean as soon as I got to there's a two on the floor I was like, oh yeah, okay. There's not really a way of describing a two other than just saying a two Yeah, yeah, I was trying to think of it. I was like there's a backwards ass on the floor Some kind of curly cue with a line at the bottom somebody was trying to draw a question mark and forgot how it ended Good shit him well done. Thank you all for watching Bob's one-man show stay tuned for the next one We're forcing him to host and risk another one-man show once again. It's definitely gonna happen What are the odds? What are the odds everybody? What are the odds? They're exactly six percent. Oh, okay They're at six percent six percent of the odds. I hope that happens because Mark and I definitely have plenty of ideas for a back-to-back one-man show ready to go Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be a really funny twist though is like back-to-back one-man shows the two that don't get the one-man show Or just like what the fuck? God damn it stupid idea was this you think we blew our loan on the last of one-man show It's a dude again. Yeah, follow Bob my skirm. Me at millions of seven or lower me says as a market market supplier We'd probably have merch the scary tapes merch. Scary tapes merch is out distractable dot shop. We do All Halloween merch, man. Get some and make sure you check out the scary tapes episodes that are coming out every Friday throughout this month One of them's already out. One of them will be coming out. It's deck two of them out two of them out right now in the now that this now is There is scary tape available real live scary Tape is available that you can use to fix your faucet all of that at distractable dot shop Also, I think the anthology is out at this point. It's weird because we're sort of time traveling right now But scary tapes anthology, which is a book featuring the five winning stories as well as 10 additional stories that were so good But that we couldn't all make all of them into podcast episodes It's available for purchase at real-go-day.org/ anthology And there were some questions about this to clear it up not every story that was submitted as in the anthology just as many as could be fit Along with the winners. There were there were so many submissions that it would have had to been like a book series to get them all out It would be like an encyclopedia set. It would be ridiculous Yeah, so sorry those that didn't make it but as many as could be fit into a book reasonably were fit into the book I think that does it so thank you Mark and I for doing all the hard work Thank you Bob. I guess for winning it somehow. You did until the next one Mark, you might say that word. Oh, no, you got it man. You've been getting podcast out