Bob's One Man Show (Part 2)

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I'm just going to put them right in the Quince bag because I just assume that will be the best possible thing that could happen to them. I'm salivating. I'm salivating. I'm getting too hot. I'm getting too bothered. It's fine. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know. It was distractable. It's the best way to support the show. Okay. Good evening, dittal listeners or watchers and welcome to distract them all. This episode, malicious Markham walked away, talked tongue twisters, then put their big buddy through his paces, mobster lobster, bobster, flips the bird, is ignorant of swine, has his nut stolen, gets bad gifts, goes adventuring, fingers on lob, and burns in lava from massive murderers to mapping methodically. It's time for bobs, one man show, part two. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the sh-- We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. I regret to inform you that I, Robert Jahanathy might-- wait, what the fuck? I had Jahanathy? I regret to inform you that I, Robert Jahanathy, my skins, in sound mind and sounderbody, have murdered both my more attractive and more intelligent go-os in a fit of elephantine jealousy. One being obviously more attractive and intelligent than the other, but now that they have both been reduced to piles of mush, neath my mighty elephantine hooves, the difference hardly matters. Please read all instructions aloud unless stated otherwise. Hold finger to ear and look to the side. One moment. What's that? Oh, really? They're not only near ungulates and not true ungulates. So their anatomy is analogous to a foot. Oh, it is a foot. You're saying that an elephant hoof is actually a foot. What's that? I'm still calling it a hoof and not a foot? Not a true ungulate? Near ungulate. Well, how's about you're getting dangerously close to near-strang-y-ungulation, pal? Oh, fuck. Just who the fuck do you think you are? The fuck in this sentence should have take one full complete breath. If you did not use one full entire breath, please go back and do it properly. Fuck. Do you think you are? I was juicy. You think I would hesitate for even a single second to give you the same kind of treatment? I think you should think real hard and long before you think about correcting me live on the air again. If I want to call an elephant tootsie a hoof, then as sure as my ass is long, I am going to call them luscious twinkle toes, hooves. Alright, love you too, Grandma. See ya, brunch. Release finger from ear. Oh, fuck and shit. No, no, no, no, I didn't write in specifically to go do it again, so I'll leave all the tongue cake. Her click. Beep, beep, beep. Clear throat in a somewhat obnoxious manner, but not too obnoxious. We'll tell you if it's too or not too obnoxious, but one of us speaks in riddles and one of us speaks in rhymes. That was a little obnoxious. Oh, fuck. How do I. Who said that? I'm the riddleer. I'm the riddle one. Oh, I know the solution to this, riddle. Mark said that. Wait, no, he's got a rhyme in it, Wade. Not to gloat, but when you cleared your throat, it reminded me of a boat. Now, back to our goat. Me? I'm goat. It was too obnoxious. Okay. Ugh. Ugh. That's good. I don't want to riddle again. I think we create self-defeating gags. That's why I favor a bit so far. That was fun. Well done. Now, back to our main story. Order? Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Main? What? Me? Please just articulate with either one or both hands in a new way with each line. If he didn't just articulate it all, they start over and just articulate. Now back to our main story. Murder? Me? Them? Kill? Huh? Main? What? Me? Just different, right? The Bobster. Lobster Bob. Bob the knob. Nope. That's not different. Bob the knob. Bob the clobber. The guy who just threatened his grandma, the grave rob, wink, wink, bur. You sure this guy really if any of your gesticulations involved, boy, you figure a thumb of yourself or anything else. We'll say any of these lines you must go back because we're going to get started over but you may not repeat any gesticulations. I'll gesticulate you. It must be original. Different than the magic of the moment. The Bobster? Lobster Bob? The Bob the knob? Bob the clobber? The guy who just threatened his grandma, grave rob, wink, bur. You sure this guy really, really, oh, I hit my mic so hard. Well, if you would dare to think for even Uno Manuto that I would commit L-Murder upon my two best friends, but to be clear, I am not their best friend only the vice-versi where they are my best friends and I am not theirs, then you have two things coming to you. Put up your dukes like an old-timey boxer of the Fisticuffs era. Why, I oughta, you're cruising for a bruise and I oughta collaca, you're going to be seeing it stars. You're asking for a flat lip, I'm going to pound you into hamburger. I'll melt you one. Oh, you're highlighting the thing I'm trying to read, buddy, you're going to be sleeping with the fishes. You're going to be sleeping with the fishes. You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes. Speaking of sweet little fishies, you know who else is sleeping with the fishes? Mark N. Wade! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You did well. You are swell. I can never lie. I tell. Who's the one who did well reading those lines? It was me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's a good warm-up to the episode. I feel good. Oh, there's more. There's more. I mean, I'm not done warming up yet, obviously, but. That's right, Mark and Wade are sleeping with those beautiful sexy fishes because I killed them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, it's only three of them. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, me? This guy? Them? Jill? Huh? Mame? What? Me? The Bobster? Lobster Bob? Rob the knob? Bob the colabber? The guy who just threatened his grandma, ma? The grave rob wink wink her? You sure? This guy? If you failed to properly just circulate towards yourself in a manner that conveyed to the audience, you are the person you refer to without using your thumbs or fingers in a pointing motion, of course. And you must go back to the beginning of this section, not to previous section unless you really want to, and start over, but you may not repeat any justiculations. All justiculations must be original to preserve the magic of the moment. I will say you, you accomplished the not pointing, but you repeated lobster Bob. I remember this one distinctly as a lobster Bob. Doesn't say I couldn't use one from a previous iteration that was a re— All justiculations must be original to preserve the magic? All right, fine. You know what? If you don't want to, I won't make you do it. It's okay, we have much worse things in store for him in the future. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right. Okay, all right. All right. I'm tired now. Just kidding about the murder thing. Or am I done? Done. Done. Done. No, I'm kidding. Here they are. Introduce us. Oh, it's Mark and Wade. Hey, surprise for here. That's us. That was a good one. Well done. Well done, Bob. Good job, Bob. At some point I was writing that I was like, maybe this is too long. It's not. I mean, I think it is longer, but it's not substantially longer than last time. All right. Welcome everyone to Bob's second one, man. Show! Oh, yeah. Yeah. Are you the first one to get two and Mark has two? Mark has already done two, I think. Yeah, I think of it too. You've had one, Mark has had two, and I've had one until this one. Which means Wade, you're due. I guess so. I got a win. I get a one minute show. That's true. Well, we're never going to let that happen. Well, we've got a great show cooked up for all the audience and also Bob. Wade, why don't you introduce the first game of many that we're going to be playing. All right. So first up on the list, the three of us have some similar routes. We're all Ohio boys. We all went to the University of Cincinnati. So I thought we would put Bob's knowledge to the test with some Cincinnati jeopardy questions. All right. I know this stuff. Yeah. We don't have a whole board for you. I just have a few easy questions. It's very simple. Very to the point. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't bother putting the categories up there. We don't have dollar amounts. You just get to pick. Can I have number one, two, three, four or five? That's all you get. I'm going to do the classic jeopardy strategy and start with number five. All right. You want me to read these? Yeah. You go first. I'll read this out. We'll alternate. Cincinnati has the only museum in the world dedicated to a specific art. The name of the museum being the vent Haven Museum. What art is it dedicated to? Being a proper Cincinnati and I've been to this museum several times. Clearly, oh, that must be the real name of, no, that is the real name of that museum. Vent Haven. Well, it's got to be mud sculptures if it's Cincinnati. I'm so sorry. You didn't answer in the form of a question, but also you're wrong. That's kind of a question. It was it was begging, right? It's got to be mud sculptures of a Cincinnati. The answer is the museum. I guess it's the dolls of a museum of it. It's the vent Haven museum. I'm assuming it's in the name for a reason. The ventriloquist haven. Sure. All right. What's your next question? Two, please. All right. Two. I got this one. Neil Armstrong, Ohio born also. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Also taught at the University of Cincinnati where he created two graduate level classes. I guess I guess the question would be in the form of the answer. Wait. Yeah. You gave me the answer. I have to ask. I have to answer. Created these two graduate level classes. What are moon and accounting 307? Oh, so close. I answered in form of a question, but the classes were the aircraft design course and experimental flight mechanics. So close. You knew Cincinnati, Bob. I thought you knew Cincinnati. These are all just made up facts. Not worried about it. Four, please. The man who allegedly inspired the character Jay Gatsby from the great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald is from Cincinnati. What was his name? Oh, that would be what is K Gatsby. So sorry. Very close. The correct answer is who is George Remus? That's not a Cincinnati. I was thinking it was going to be one of the shots or the orbit or one of those croakers, one of those Cincinnati names. I think he inspired the guy and well, it says inspired Jay Gatsby, but based on his life story, it sounded more like he inspired. Well, I won't spoil the great Gatsby. One of the other characters who had a tragic ending. Oh, I spoil that. I don't want to spoil it, but you just like Gatsby quite as much. One or three. One, please. In the 1800s, Cincinnati was the nation's leading pork producer. It earned this nickname for that honor. Oh, I know this one. This is plastered all over town. This is on, if you walk downtown, Cincinnati, it's not a bunch of placards and things. What is the pig murdering capital of the Midwest? That is correct. No, that is not. Man, it wouldn't be. That is close. That is close. The answer is porkopolis. Pork. Oh, opolis. Much like megalopolis. It sounds like the city that pig man hails from. Exactly. You got megalopolis, you got pig man, porkopolis, sister cities. Would you like three? No. Okay. I guess is that then the episode if I refuse to engage with that? Yeah, I guess it's three, huh? All right. You might know this one. I don't know. I think this might be the easiest one on here. Doesn't seem like it. Which current NBA team was once known as the Cincinnati Royal? Oh, one would think it would be the other Ohio cities NBA team. But in fact, the answer is, of course, what are the Indiana Pacers? They actually, I think they became the Kansas City Royals after Cincinnati. And then they moved to Sacramento. That's a baseball team. Well, I think they, I think it was also in Kansas City. They would just Sacramento, remember they became the Sacramento Kings. Which I didn't know that either. I have heard of them. That's not very close to either of those two Midwest cities. Based on the questions you'd already asked us, and then try to find just obscure, should I think you wouldn't know? It took me a lot longer to get these. You wouldn't have expected it. And well done on getting none of them. Congratulations, Bob. Woohoo! Over. Nailed it. We're moving on with a score of zero to our very next game. It's a fan favorite. One of your very own hosting, Bob, if you made sense of theme in these, we are subjecting all of the things that we've subjected you to. We're moving on to. Reverse Sharades! Woo! Yeah, yeah. If you remember how this game went, Bob, do you? I don't. Okay. So we are going to shout instructions at you. At the same time. And you are going to do the physical actions that we both are saying. And then you have to guess after a period of one minute to guess what you are. So I have to answer in the form of a question. No, you can. If you. No. Yes? We will decide when we speak in riddles and rhymes at the end of this. Alright, wait. I think we're just going to start at the first one and go down. And we'll just take turns. shouting instructions. Yeah, works for me. May you, me, you. All right. Here we go. Are you ready, Bob? Yes. Three, two, one, go. Stick your arm out. It's down. It's down. It's down. It's shoulder, shoulder. Right, shoulder. Right. Careful. Close your hand as if you're gripping something moderately heavy. Okay. Now make a scooping motion. No, like this. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah, like, scooping. Yeah. Okay. Do that once and then turn it over as if you're dumping something into something else. No, no, no, do a scooping motion and then swing it back on you. Oh, I see. As you do that, look from your hand up and then back down again. And then give a jazz hand with the other hand once you look back down again. Yeah, there you go. And then once you look back down again, go ahead and scoop so close. Oh, almost got. I might give us two minutes next time. Yeah, that might be necessary. All right, Bob. What are you? What are you? What are you? I am a person who is scooping and flipping. I mean, I have to be a SpongeBob working the griddle flipping crabby patties. Oh, wow. That was close. Yeah. You were flipping a pancake pancake. So we were working on pancakes. Oh, I think I misled you with the whole thing going up. I should have whatever you were doing the whole thing. So whenever you said scoop, I was like, oh, wait, you're starting with the batter, not the way we, we didn't plan out what our clues. So we're going to intentionally be informed with each other and you to make this harder. I think that was pretty close. That's a right idea. We got we got there. We got there. I don't know how you distinguish pancakes from. any other thing that you flip on a griddle. - Well, with more time, maybe we would have gotten to syrup, but you know we'll never know. - All right, we're gonna move on to two minutes this time. - I was just read that loud, that would have been bad. - All right, wait, you're going to give the first clue. Are you, is everyone ready? - Yes. - Yes. - All right, three, two, one, go! - Bob, you're standing and you're going to take a step forward. Take another step. Take a third step, but as your foot hits the ground, pause for a moment and make a face as if you're contemplating God. - Vibrations, shooting up your leg. - A moment you will never forget, but not for a good reason. - Oh no! (laughing) - Look up to the heavens and howl! (laughing) - Be all the fire and pain of a thousand deaths while looking up at the heavens. - Howl! - Remember that it's in the middle of the night and you don't want to wake anyone. (groaning) - Fall over, clutching your leg and pulling your foot up to your hands. - I don't think I could physically do that, but like. (grunting) - Look down at the ground in anger. - Look at the ground, look at your foot. Look at the ground, look at your foot. (laughing) - Look at God, look at the ground, look at your foot. (laughing) - Look at the ground, look at God's foot. - (laughing) - Oh, you know, I couldn't even make this a little more. - Explain to you. - Ah, there we go, yeah, that's good, that's good. - And just keep doing that until we hear the timer. - Get back up slowly. Pick up the pace, take another couple steps. - All right, there we go. - Great, we won't get anything else. - Who are you? - Oh boy, so what did I do? I took a couple steps and then I took a third step. That really hurt and it was vibrations and it was the fire and pain of 10,000 deaths. I must have been walking in the Amazon and stepped on a nest of bullet ants. - Ooh, very close. I think we'll accept that answer. Think more painful, think more painful. - That's like the most painful insect thing that exists, isn't it? - I think we'll accept that answer. I feel like that's worthy. - The true reality was you were stepping on a Lego. (laughing) - Hey, I've done that. I haven't done bullet ants, I don't know how they compare, but-- - Oh, Lego's much worse. Trust us. - Oh, with way worse, way worse, yeah, yeah, way worse. - Didn't a bullet ant make that guy who lets insect bite him cry? He never cries. - Probably, yeah. - What's his name? Crazy Joey. - I think it's called cry, cry boy. - Cry boys? - We're the cry boys. His name's the cry boys. - All right, I added one in your weighted. - Do I see that? Do I see that? - No, God. - Okay. Are you okay with this one? - Yeah, yeah, go for it. You're the first clue on this one. - All right, I got it. Okay, all right, you ready? Are you ready, Bob? - Yes. - Here, we go. - Stick both arms up in the air and out. - It's in front of you, read it. - Feel the sensation of something moving up from your leg through your torso. - Shimmy, shimmy violently. - Feel more wind in your thrones. (laughing) - Okay, sure. - Yep. - You can't move your arms, but you are protesting what's happening. - You're very upset when your hot balls are crisped. (laughing) - Wait, I don't think that's after it, it works. I think I am. - Look, look to your armpit and go, no! No, drop something from your other armpit and hoping to stop this. (laughing) - Look to where you're whatever dropped, dropped, and go, no, not that one, too. - No, not that one, too. - But, you know, without talking, I guess. I don't know how charades work. - This is reverse charades, the rules are all whatever. - Look despondently as it's split in half on the ground. (laughing) - Keep shaking, someone, keep shaking. - Oh my god, okay. - I was clearly, I was the mermaid on the front of a ship and those were anchors falling from my armpits into the ocean. - I gotta look up a word. - What do you have to look up a word about? - Oh, I was correct. - Yeah, why are you looking up a word? What do you look at? Where are you looking up? - I threw out the word 'frons' and I was like, am I right about the word 'frons'? - Oh, that might have been more, that might have given more away than I thought. - I didn't understand what that word was. Okay, so I was a palm tree. - My bowl was happening? - My coconuts were falling off, my top balls. - Someone was stealing your coconuts. - Oh, I see. - Someone was climbing you to steal your coconuts. - That's why you were dropping your other one to attack them. - Oh, it was climbing up me, that's right, that's right. - Yeah, that was the shaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I did not realize 'frons' were specific to a palm tree. I might have just given away the whole thing. - Yeah, you almost did. - Only had been paying attention. - But we got many more waiting for you, Bob. - Can we do one that involves less holding my arms up out like that for a while just to give him a break? - Yeah, yeah. You want to do the one that has to hold his arms up through? - I got really bad shoulders, I'm not in shape for that much arm holding. - Do you think the next one has much arm holding? - Or we could skip to the last one, I mean, there's-- - That one is no arm holding, for sure, for sure. - There is no arms in that one. - Okay, you're first on this. - Three, two, one, go. - All right, I want you to bend down with your face towards your desk, making a puckering face. - Now, make a smoochy face. - Yeah, maybe that's what I was looking for. - Yeah, yeah, that's it. But look down. - Begin sucking as you move your head down further and further towards your desk. - Now, reel your head back, but let's be clear about this. This isn't a bobbing motion. It's your, you're reeling it in. - Yeah, that's it, that's it, yep. - All right, that one's done. Now you open your mouth wide and go back down, back down, and be prepared for a big chomp. - Uh-huh. - Now I guess chomp. - Hum. (laughing) - Now we go back to the kissy face sucking. You got to get down in there, you got to get down in there. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yep, that's it. Now, waggle your head side to side. (upbeat music) (laughing) - Keep going, keep going. - All right, you've made a bit of a mess. Wipe your face off on your shirt there a little bit, but no using your arms. - No, you just know how to, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, both sides, both sides, you know, both sides. Yeah, there you go. - And look over and go like, as if, (grunting) (grunting) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give a good nod, but more to tell you. (laughing) (laughing) - Ew. (laughing) - Hey. - Ew. - Hey. - Ew. - Oh, good, oh, this way. All right, that's it. (laughing) I, they call me armless Joe Baguets and I was just eating my gabagool. Am I a thing I would know what this is? - Yeah, you would know it, it's not far. You're not far off. - I made a spaghetti and meatballs eating competition in, in little Italy. - That, you know, I'll give that one to you, that's basically it. - That's close, except there was one constraint. - I'm tied up for some reason that I don't understand. Am I in a mental institution in a straight jacket for some reason? - No, no. Enough just know you tensils. Oh know you tensils. Okay. That's the ones you see your hands dirty I don't want you to be a monster. So we're gonna have you leave with your mouth. Okay. All right last one. Are you ready Bob? Oh? Ray Three two one Look off all excited like you're about to pee your pants. Oh Excited excited happy happy excited look down at something in front of you Then look up still excited as you reach toward it reach down or reach up reach reach down Yeah, skip skip towards it skip you're so happy skip skip skip yeah grab Hold it in your hands and take one of them and reach towards the top and pull hard That's good one more time do the same thing one more time other side Bigger it's a bigger item than what you're holding I think All right, you're looking you're looking at it and you your excitement starts to fade Keep ripping different parts of the outside of this off and you're looking more and more disappointed the more of it you see Kind of give a shrug throw that one away reach for another What you grab is definitely more square shaped Cube-shaped even I don't I feel about this one. I love where this is God. I love where I'm never gonna give it other clue It was four seconds low Bob. What do you think you just keep on keep opening? You're disappointed. Yeah, keep opening Yeah, keep opening. You're just so disappointed Bob, what do you think you're doing? Well, until it was huge shaped. I thought I had some idea what I was doing. Yeah, what was it? I thought I was a monkey finding banana That's where I thought that was As soon as I saw you do that motion. It's like no, he totally thinks it's a fucking banana. Oh, no Okay, it's more Cube shaped I just not a lot to go on that I'm picking up on subtext-wise to imply what this was all right You were excited to open something you ran toward it. I seem to have just found this. I didn't like get it from somebody or something Okay, well, so if it's cube shaped, it has to be like a present By opening someone else's presence at their birthday party Nope, simpler simpler than that. Am I opening presence? I found yeah, uh-huh, yeah, are the presence Socks, I mean they could be I might be disappointing you're opening a disappointing present They're disappointed you got it Nothing, not the poor monkey with a disappointing banana. How far do you cycle past open presents? No, you did that you said grab it from the top and do a peeling motion I was thinking you pick it up and you peel you take I was gonna untie the bow You know untie bows. They're stuck on with tape. You just tear the paper or you pull it out you pull it off either way You got to do this. Oh, I thought I had a real bow as a kid. That's my bad I only peel things. I'm gonna eat with one hand. Okay. I guess you could eat the bow But I wouldn't recommend it did like the excited like you're gonna peer pants feel more monkeys than you know a child at Christmas That's what I was going for you know All right, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine and now for definitely the shortest segment so Bob You find yourself in a room the room doesn't have a lot of decorations a very simple room in this room There are four doors. I can describe the doors if you would like But there are four walls each wall has one door and then in the middle of the room there is A straight line painted on the floor connecting two of the doors kind of thing. No, it's just it's just a Line painted on the floor. Just is a short line painted on the floor. Is it oriented in any particular way? It could be an L could be a one could just be a line. It's just just a line Let's call them west east south and north just for orientation But let's just say you have a compass that you could see you have a north-door south-door east and west. I go to the north door and Feel it out to see if it's like hot like there's a fire or something on the other side No, it's a white painted wooden door. There's actually windows But if you go to look through the windows, you can't see anything on the other side. It's got a golden hop Am I wearing any clothes? You're dressed as you normally are, but you don't have anything Other than the compass and the clothing on your back. You don't really have anything that would help you Other than your hands with if you can use that turned door knobs I'd take my shirt off and wrap it around my good hand and I try and punch out one of the pains of glass in this door that I can't see through This is the north-facing door the north door. Yes. Uh, the glass is not Put my shirt back on and I try the knob to see if it's locked. It is not it opens. I Push it all the way open dramatically as the door opens you find yourself WUSHED into the next room before you have a chance to pause or look or anything else You are now in the next room. Mark. Do you want to describe the room yet me to keep going? Yes The room is exactly the same as the last one except on the floor is a circle If I look around is there anything else to see in this room or is it just non-descript room area? It's four doors painted white gold knob windows opaque. Can't see through them. Sealing is also white But there's nothing other than the doors to notice and that's the one in the circle on the floor Four doors four knobs four blank windows one circle. I'm doing north door again I confidently walk to the north door open it push it open dramatically It's a brown oak door as you open it you're whooshed into the next room Which is a green painted room also with four doors no windows this time One of the doors is the garage door one is a steel door and the other two are just wooden doors Is there anything on the floor of this room? There is another line north door again I don't know which one that is but I'm gonna keep going now if I can find an edge here That is the garage door you pull a chain and the garage door opens and you're whooshed into a room Maroon walls there's a port-cullis gate on the west door There's there's a tiny mouth store on the north door. There's a man-shaped door That looks exactly like your body on the east door and then it's the door You came through the garage one to the south and now on the floor. There is a two I'm gonna try and see if I can Alice in Wonderland myself through the mouse door, I guess The north one the north gonna keep going north you shrink down as far as you can not not literal you shrink down You you reach a tiny finger to the tiny door knob you squeak it open Fire rushes out an explosion like blasts you from that door Hmm, you're very dead. You're dead. Yeah, you're dead. Oh You're back in the room that you first started in. Ah fuck. There's a line on the ground Hahaha four doors north southeast and west. You know we short circuit this a little bit North or whoosh north or whoosh Maroon room or actually one more whoosh. Maroon room you're in the room with the two Now I'm in the room with the two. I don't go north. I go west to the port-cullis Wait, you could see through port-cullises, right? Not this one. Oh, okay. Well, you open the door And you're whooshed in you find yourself standing on a platform beneath you There's water and a bunch of tall fins sharks all of a sudden the platform you're sitting on disappears You fall into the water and are engulfed and eaten slowly and painfully by a bunch of sharks that Whatever reason want to take their time with you. You're back in the starting room North or whoosh North or whoosh North or whoosh east the man-shaped door man-shaped door. Yes, are you? Slide you you point at the door you go. It's that door was made for me. It's my door. It was made for me You for some reason take off all your clothes and you shimmy in through the door You slide in perfectly and then you're shushed into a new room with a line on the ground The doors are fun and interesting. Got a one-and-three chance here. I definitely still need to see if I can go north All right, you open a door to the north while you're whooshed in and across the room you see what looks like Jail bars, but they're somewhat opaque. You can kind of see through them They're like a red in color and they seem to be approaching you They're spaced apart only by a couple of inches and they're getting closer and closer and closer. South door whoosh Of course the door doesn't open. You're you're prying at the door and prying at the door But unfortunately these lines get closer and closer until they start to burn into your skin Separating you into many pieces as these lasers cut through you and kill you. That's one of my favorite seeds from the Resident Evil series Only that guy had taken a step backwards. I know. Honestly. He was so cool. Too cool for that show Anyway, you're back at the start. Fuck all everything else I did. South door You step through the South white door same as all the other doors in the original one and you're whooshed into a room It is a lovely shade of pink and the doors are all shaped like hearts Every one of them and you hear romantic music emanating from all around you and there's a two on the ground I don't like the two west hard door you open a door to the west a nice lovely heart shaped door and you're whooshed in Inside of the room it feels like you're in a forest. There's trees everywhere where you can't really see any doors, but you think you see some movement off to your left. As you're looking to investigate, you hear a noise from your right or now behind you, and you look and see a velociraptor as it leaps and bites your head off and kills you. You're dead again. - But that also does, stupid. I should start with what I was doing. - North door, whoosh, North door, whoosh, North door, whoosh. - Naked East Door, whoosh, East again. - You slide through that other door that was really interesting, really interesting door, and you're put in a very, very boring room. It's exceptionally boring. This room is about as plain can be. It seems like shoddly constructed. There's drywall that's not even applied on some of the walls over there, and then there's a really shiddly painted two crayon on the ground. - Can I go back one? - Yeah, you find you are able. - West Door, whoosh, South instead. - You move to the door in the South, when you are whooshed in. You feel as though you're in your own living room, except for the fact that, well, where there should just be like some wide open space, they're still at door, and though it kind of looks like your house around, you can tell some of the walls are just images of your house, so it's not actually fully open. It's still a room with four doors. It just made the look like you're living room. - What's painted on the floor? - There is a big, oh. - Oh, hell yeah. - Painted with a wide looking paint brush on the floor. - East Door, I push through the hologram. - You're slurped, you're slurped. - Wetly, it's really juicy. You're going through this, it kind of slurped. And you're like, oh god, weird. The other room on the other side is actually another room in your home that's still painted all weirdly like that. You know, it's kind of the same. You just don't have any explanation of why it was so wet, but there is a two on the ground. - I go back to my living room, whoosh, South Door. - You open the door, and as you're whooshed in, you feel yourself kind of rocking and throwing a back. It looks like you're in a tiny rowboat on some water, but the rowboat is a no apparent immediate danger. You see, again, what looks like it should be open ocean, but on either side, there are four doors. And down at the bottom of your rowboat, there is a one, scratched almost out, but in red. - South again. - You row your boat south, gently down the stream, and you fall down a little waterfall, not a big one. It's actually kind of fun. You kind of go, "wee," and you end up, "oh, I'm on a beach." Back towards the ocean is the door you just came from to the north, and then there's a palm tree with a door on it to the west. There's another tree to the east with a door on it, and then into the jungle, there's a little door on the way into the forest to the south. - What number is on the beach? - There's a line. Oh, number of this guy. Numbers. (laughing) - Well, to complete my plan, I must go south once more. - You go south, and unintended from our previous game, as you open the door, you find yourself in a forest is the wrong word, but a room full of a bunch of palm trees. It seems lovely, there's a little hammock that you can, I guess, take a break on if you choose to. And again, four doors with walls painted like they should be the beach, further inland, maybe a city off the one side, and on the hammock is scrawled in yellow, a number two. I walk over to the hammock and frantically start searching for the penny that I think is hidden somewhere upon it or within it. (laughing) - You do find scrawled on the hammock in what looks to be crayon again. Sorry, I took your penny. - Oh, it's right, though. - It was there at one point. - Oh, that's pretty good. But there are still three doors, one south, one east, one west, and the one you came into the door. - Well, I've completed the loop now. Yeah, I'm gonna finish my test. There's a gambit. I go west. - You step through the forest or what looks like a forest and you're back into a familiar room that we all remember what it is. And you're like, whoa, I've been here before this room. Oh, man, is it the heart one? - This is the heart room, yeah. - It's the heart one. I knew I knew those shapes, you go, you say in your head, and you look down again, like, yeah, there's that too. There's that romantic music. You originally entered this room through the north and you went west last time, and this time you're coming from the east. - I go north, oosh, east, oosh, north again. - Oh, hold on, whoa, hold on. - And I'm back in the robot room, yeah? - You went north, oosh, north to the starting room, east to the beach, north to the robot on the ocean. - Yep, yep, yep, yeah, that's where you are. - And what number is there's a one in the robot? - The line in red scratched onto the floor. - Oh, wait, shit. - The room you were just in was the one north of the starting room, right, you went north from the starting room, that's through with an o, and then you just went east, there's a room with a line in it, yeah. - I go south one to the beach and west one to the room that's just north of the starting room, and I go through the west door, which I haven't done yet. - Hold on, hold on, wait. - Okay, you go south, then west. - I think he's slightly misremembering, but what he's wanting to do is go to the room north of the starting room and then go west. - Okay, yes, that's my goal. - All right, you open a door, and as you open it, you're ruched in. There are a bunch of pillars, very tall pillars. In fact, the room is so tall you can't see the ceiling. Etched on each pillar is a number two, and there are three doors, one to the west, one to the north and one to the south. Pillars themselves are unremarkable, they're white stone, and then there's a nice, like, not matte, but like a gloss finished to the floor. - Still stuck. I mean, I need to go back east one to the room that's just north of starting, and then I wanna go north one, so I have two north of starting room. What's on the floor in there? - A line. - A line, yeah. - And you have gone, I think at this point, you've come from the south, you've gone north, and maybe you've gone east from that one. - Well, I know what's east of there. I have to go north once more. What's on the line of the floor of the maroon room? - The two. And you've opened every door in that room. - Shit. - The port callus, yeah, you've done every room in that one. - And if I go east once, that's the man-shaped door, and then if I go east again, that's the slurperty door. What's on the other side of the slurperty door? Is it two on the floor of that one? - There's a two on the floor of that one, and when you walked in there before, you just immediately backed out. - By the rules of me, I have to go north in that room. - North from the two, okay. - You go through the north door of that room, and you find yourself suddenly in the center of a volcano, and you look down, you're sitting on magma, and magma is very solid. It still hurts, but you're slowly sinking in. Very slowly, agonizing, that way it may be, but it's taking a while. So you're like, they kind of get bored, and you're like, "Good." And then you keep sinking, you're dead. - Oh, I swim away. - You do not. You find yourself back in the starting room. - I have to go east from there. - You go to the room to the east, not mag by this time, but the makers of this place must have gotten kind of lazy. You find yourself in a jungle, you're standing in, I don't know, water, mud, no, you're sinking. You're sinking, slowly, you're sinking. It's not painful, but you can't get out. And so it's like, well, it's slightly better than the last one, but also like, can I just die already? Can anyone help me out? No, it's quick, Sam, you die. You're back in the starting room. Yes, you're back in the starting. Northwish, Northwish, Northwish, Northwish, Eastwish, East Slurpy, South. You traverse South, it's a long journey. This one, weirdly long. But you find yourself on the other side of a clearing. It's a nice meadow, there's grass growing, you hear birds chirping, and then there again, it's all just images, so it's not real. But the illusion is very convincing in this one. There's, you know, doors on either side of the meadow that just go off into the clearing here, and there's a, in flowers, actually, there's a two, very beautifully grown on the ground. Shit. I want to say, but you've done incredibly well. I can't remember enough things to remember what I, which room I need to get back to right now. I could try to quickly make a visual aid if it helps. I'm making my own visual aid. I go west, west two times from here, and that brings me back in the starting column. Is there a one on the floor of that room? There's a line. Well, we will never confirm or deny what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go south one and then east one. Is that the beach? That is the roadboat room, I believe. Okay, that means I go back west one. What's on the floor of that one? That one has a circle, yeah? Yeah, circle. Okay, that means I have to go west from there. Okay, that's the two room with the columns and the glossed floor. If I go south and then east one, that's the jungle. You have not gone south. Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, I'm in the room with the two. The room with the two that you just entered, you've only come or that you've come from the east. You've gone west to get to that room. North, south, and west from there are not explored. I mean, I guess south should put me back in the hearts room. You step into what you think is the hearts room, but turns out all the hearts are upside down. There's a big queen on a throne and she goes all with his head. And then let them put a bunch of cards, carry you off and they chop up your head. I think your map is slightly off of where you think you've been. That's not great. I will tell you this much. The column you were just in is one that you've only gone to twice from two different, well, three times, I guess, from different places and those of all ended in death. So the heart room is not in this column. It's the column one to the right. I'll share this map with you eventually. and I've actually been keeping track of your journey. - In the starter room, you're in the starter room. I go west one. What's on the floor in that room? You go west one from the starting room. You see a bunch of upside-down hearts and a queen goes I see I see you're in the starter room. I'm very excited for him to see I have each each of his journeys. I've got color coded so you can see kind of what it's getting very full I go south from the starter room. What's on that floor? Two. I think that was the heart room. This is the heart room, yeah. Have I explored from this room to anywhere else yet? You went west and died. You went east to another room with a two. You did not go south. The whole west and south is just dead ends then. So I'm in the room that's one south of the starting room. Yes. And there's a two on the floor. Yes. And I have gone east. You've gone east. You've gone you've come from the north. You've gone east. You've gone west and died. You've not gone south. I mean, I'll try it just for fun. See, I'll go south. But it's gonna be a death. There's a guy waiting for you with a gun on the assays like he's shaking his head like you knew that you knew I was here. You knew I was here. And he aims and pulls the trigger. You knew you're in the starter room. East one. This is the beach I think. Do we each has a one? There's a one. If I go south, I'm in the two room. Those are connected. So from the beach I go north. That room has a one. One. That's the that's the robot. From there I go north circle. My map is fucked up because I only have dead ends. East from the circle you've been there's a two. North of the circle is a one. North east of the circle is a two. Yep, I have those. North west of that circle is a two and straight west of that's a one. Yep. I mean, those are all dead ends. Not not necessarily. Do you want a hint? I feel like you need a hint. Yeah, I feel like I'm I'm not getting the full puzzle. Go back to the starter room, right? I go back to the starter room. On your map, if you go north, what's there? Zero. Okay, cool. You're you're there in the north room. What's to the west of that on your map? A two from which I have gone all they south. Oh, that's what's messed up. Okay, you have to go west again then. You go west and you enter a room of gold. It almost looks like the inside of a pyramid, but very new and fresh. There is a one on the ground and three stone doors. The door you came in is just a normal like bedroom wooden door. The other three doors are all stone. They look like they'd be very heavy and hard to open. Well, I gotta go north. You push against the stone door. Hars you can push push push push. It moves a little bit. Shimmies push push push. You step out and you're like, oh, cool. It's all stone around me. It's like a inside of a chimney or something. And then it starts getting hotter and hotter. It is a chimney. You're in a chimney. You burn to death. You're not sure if you die from smoke inhalation first or the flames. Okay, I go start a room. North, west, west, west again. You go to push open the stone door. This one is paper mache. It just kind of falls apart and breaks really easily. And you find yourself inside what looks like a classroom. There's only one desk in the classroom in the very center. It has a one on it. And there are three doors because this place west again. Are you go into another room? It is a series of catwalks. So you're on a catwalk going this way. And then there's another intersecting catwalk going there. Still still increasing intersecting there. But it's a T junction, right? So your catwalk comes up here just to a thing. There is no door to the west. But you look in the catwalk is highlighted. So it looks like a line, like a distinct line. But there's a door to the north. At the end of that catwalk, there's a door to the south. The end of that catwalk and the one you just came from. Well, I have to go north. You go north. You're whooshed into a room. And you're standing on a very narrow catwalk. There's nowhere to really go. And the catwalk is proceeding beneath your feet. Eventually, there's nothing to stand on. And you fall into a bunch of spikes and die. OK. I'm in the starting room. I go back to the catwalk T junction room and I go south. You enter into a room that has a kind of semi-circle on it. There's kind of a gap down beneath you. But it's a D-shaped room where there's still no door to the west. But there's kind of a semi-circle path around this chatham. And there's a door to the east and door to the south. But there's clearly it's trying to make the shape of an "O" on the ground. It's just for redundancy in case someone's like, "Oh, they're going to think it's a D." There's also a scrolled "O" on the ledge. Oh, I have rooms. I haven't explored. But I don't know if those are going to be exits. I go east. You open the door to the east and you find yourself on the moon. You can breathe. Everything seems fine. There are four doors. One you came in and three other ones. And there's a crater in the middle of the room, in the middle of the moon room. A very round crater. And you look inside the crater and there is a drawn circle inside the crater. All right, well, just so I can say I've looked at it. I go east one more time. You step into a really dingy basement. It is dark, dimly lit. There is liquid dripping all down all the walls. There's some ominous thumping happening from somewhere you can't locate. But otherwise, you know, it's just a basement and there are four doors. One kind of leads to a spooky area or one kind of leads to a dimly lit area. But they're all equally spooky each way. And then there's a line on the ground. Well, I guess I can go south from there. You find yourself on like the set from blues clues. It's very drawn and cartoony and fun looking. Again, the walls look like a place you could maybe walk to, but they are painted walls. In the middle of the room is a couch. And on that couch, there is a red line drawn. There are four doors when you came in and three up. Oh, and on the table, there is a pile of mail that looks like it hasn't been opened. I'm just going to do it methodically from here on out. I don't care if it's boring. I go west to the room with the one in it. Yeah, you go west and whoa, he that's great. You're under water and you're swimming and you can still breathe. You're kind of and there is indeed a line of coral yellow coral in a line right there on the ocean floor. I swim west to the other room with a one in it. You swim to the door, which opens up and you end up inside a fun little submarine. It's like a middle compartment of a submarine. Uh, you came in from the water and then there's an entrance to the south. Maybe to the front of the submarine and entrance to the back of the engine of the submarine. But then the opposite side from where you came in is just a solid wall of submarine. There's no way to go that way. Yeah, yeah, Westwall got it. Is there a number? There's a line now we're getting somewhere east east south. You enter into a stage. There's an audience in front of you and they're chanting every room every room every room and then they hold up a bunch of signs that says to all right south again, maybe you go into the door and you see you and Mark sitting at your desks playing Minecraft. You each have a drink in hand and there's a third chair, but it's empty. And as you go to look at the third chair and turn it around, you feel like something's wrong. Your heart starts to clasp and shake. You go to catch your breath, but you can't. You look over and Mark's withered away as you fall and withered away and die yourself. I died? Yeah, you died, yeah, you died. Oh, interesting. My map has still got issues. Just as we all really did playing drunk Minecraft, we died, you know. That's what really happened. Okay, well, I could tell you from what I remember right what you did was you were in a room with the line. You went south, there's a room with the two with the chanting people. You went south and died. Yeah, well, I thought I knew what was east of that room, but I think I'm wrong. Because now I'm in the started room and I have to go north, west, west, south, south, south, east. You open the door and inside, there's a bunch of stacks of hay. And you're trying to walk around these different stacks of hay and you hear a weird noise. It sounds like. Okay, yeah, actually, I was going to say sounds like someone being murdered. You're going to find a pig having sex with a blanket, but you just find out, do it. So yes, there's a pig hump with a blanket. And on the blanket, there's a big old number two. I think your map might be slightly off. Wait, but if there's a two there, there's a two there. And from my recollection, if you were keeping track of this, the room to the north and the room to the east, you've explored before. Yeah, but that means that the room to the south of that is a death. That means I've fucked up my map again to where I've found a dead, I've dead ended myself. You fucked up your math again because you've not been to the room to your south of where you are now. No, I know that, but I've been north and that's safe and I've been west and that's safe. And if there's a two in this room. Yeah, that's incorrect. Okay, so I missed that's the room I'm missing. I'm missing north of you was a death east of you was a death. Missing this room. So I have to go south. I just like straight up didn't fill in a room there. So you're going south from that one south I go south. Yes, you you step into another kind of blank room. You're like, Oh man, everything else was so exciting, but this one has very yellow walls, very distinct yellow walls. You're kind of oh good getting weird familiar vibes. There's no door to the south, but there is a line on the ground. And then a just a hall that goes down to the east and a hall that goes down to the west. - I go east. - All right, you open the door. It's a very dark room. In the center, there's a wooden table with a birthday cake on it. The candles are mostly all burnt down. There's one little sad flame left. And there's an older lady sitting down in a chair, seemingly unaware of your presence. She's wearing a party hat, but she's smoking a cigarette. There's a bottle of vodka sitting in front of her. You can see past her, there is a door to the north and a door to the east, in the door you came in. There's no door to the south. - I go east. - You open the door to the east. And as you open it, there's a blinding white light that hits you. It hurts, your eyes burn, but there's a warm breeze. And you see that the light is actually coming in from the south where there's not been a door prior. As you go to investigate, you step outside. And as you step out, you feel the warm breeze, the wind, the sun hitting you. There's a path in front of you leading to what looks like a celebration ahead. And as you glance back, you see a big, just solid, ugly metal structure that you have now stepped out of. And on the ground, you see you win. Scrawled without much excitement and no punctuation. - I literally went to every fucking room in the whole place. - You went to every fucking room. - You went to every room. An achievement pops up in the corner of your vision that says, wow, every room, every room, every, you really, you really did. - You don't have to show me the map. I figured it all out. - There's the map. So this was a B where you started. You explored the fuck out of this little half. I just added this, but I was like, "Yeah, I mean, one of the odds even goes to all these rooms." (laughing) But you did it in the exit. Yeah, there you go. You got out right there. We literally made every detail, none of the details fucking matter. We made everything up as we went other than the fact that there were X's that were deaths and numbers. - So you're like, am I back in the robot room? And I was like, what the fuck's the robot room? (laughing) - That's what I was testing. Honestly, when I was focused on the northeast part, I was like, I'm gonna zip around and be like, okay, I'm on the beach. Okay, I'm in the robot room. Okay, and 'cause I thought you guys were making it up and I thought you'd start forgetting if I fucked around with it too much. - I think we did a pretty good job. We remembered the heart room. We remembered the beach and what, Mark and I did a pretty good job remembering the rooms that you went through. - I think so after a while. - Yeah, I don't actually think I got you guys confused on any of it. I think you started to work it out and kept it consistent. - Well done. Congratulations with a whopping one point for that one correct answer you got a while back. That makes you today's winner. - All right. I think you had 11 deaths, maybe 12? Wait a few, I wasn't gonna keep a track of the deaths. - It was a lot. - It was a lot, yeah, it was a lot. - I kept 12 deaths, I think. - But yeah, you did it, congratulations. I think Mark and I worked harder than that last game than you did, but you know what, you prevailed. - Sometimes that's how the one man shows go, but you know, thanks for being a good sport. Winners be, check this. - It feels good to win. I'm not very good at puzzles and I don't know how I lost track of an entire room during that bit. Could have solved it way faster, I think, if I wasn't so confused for much of the middle portion of it. But that's what happens. That's the show. This is what distractables always like. Lots of puzzles and scripted performances. That's what we do now. Look forward to a weird mix up where I probably host some sort of stupid game or something in the next one when I'm host. But we'll get back to our usual programming soon. Don't worry about it, everybody. And good thing I didn't murder Wade and Mark, okay? That was a good bit. Let me throw out there and I wouldn't do small talk. People ask Molly is doing very well from her surgery. She's recovering well. I'll talk about it more in the next one, but just as a piece of mine for everyone, she is doing very well. Third room in great. Yeah, I made that map literally today. The mine sweeper map. How long did it take you to figure out that you were in like a mine sweeper situation with the numbers? The room? That's pretty quick, okay? - I mean, as soon as I got to, there's a two on the floor. I was like, oh, yeah, okay. - There's not really a way of describing a two other than just saying a two. - Yeah, yeah, I was trying to think of it. I was like, there's a backwards S on the floor. - Some kind of curly cue with a line at the bottom. - Somebody was trying to draw a question mark and forgot how it ended. - Oh, good shit. - Yeah, well done. - Thank you all for watching Bob's One Man Show. Stay tuned for the next one when we're forcing him to host and risk another One Man Show once again. - It's definitely gonna happen. - What are the odds? What are the odds, everybody? What are the odds? - They're exactly six percent. - Oh, okay, they're at six percent. - Six percent of the odds. - Oh, I hope that happens 'cause Mark and I definitely have plenty of ideas for a back-to-back One Man Show ready to go. - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - That would be a really funny twist, though. It's like back-to-back One Man Show. The two that don't get the One Man Show are just like, "What the fuck, Goddammit, stupid idea was this?" - You think we blew our loan on the last One Man Show? Let's do it again. - Uh, yeah. - Follow Bob, my skirt, me at millions of seven or a lot of millions of seven market-markiplier. We probably have merch. There's Scary Tapes merch. Scary Tapes merch is out. Distractable.shop. - We do. - Eh, it's all Halloween merch, man. Get some, get some. - And make sure you check out the Scary Tapes episodes that are coming out every Friday throughout this month. One of 'em's already out. One of 'em will be coming out. Let's take two of 'em out. - Two of 'em out right now. In the now that this now is, there is Scary Tap available. Real, live, scary tape is available. - You can use to fix your faucet. All of that at distractable.shop. - Also, I think the anthology is out at this point. It's weird 'cause we're sort of time traveling right now, but Scary Tapes anthology, which is a book featuring the five winning stories as well as 10 additional stories that were so good, but that we couldn't all make all of them into podcast episodes is available for purchase at realgoodyi.org/ anthology. - And there were some questions about this to clear it up. Not every story that was submitted is in the anthology, just as many as could be fit along with the winners. There were so many submissions that it would have had to been like a book series to get them all out. - It would be like an encyclopedia set. It would be ridiculous. - Yeah, so sorry those that didn't make it, but as many as could be fit into a book, reasonably we're fit into the book. I think that does it. So thank you, Mark and I for doing all the hard work. And thank you Bob, I guess for winning it somehow. You did. Until the next one. - Mark, you might say the word. - Oh no, you got it man, you've been getting it. - Hardcast, aren't.