Blair Socci is Being Sincere

- Wave. - Hey babe, I just wanted to confront you really quick on my podcast. I am here with Blair recording, frankly an all-timeer, I had episode. And I've been led to believe that you had a karaoke celebration on Monday that I didn't receive a text about. Did you want to speak on that? - Actually you were sent a particle, and if you look-- - Love you, I love you goodbye. I love you goodbye. (laughing) (upbeat music) - This episode is brought to you by Dominoes. Thank you, Dominoes. (laughing) - What else are you gatekeeping in your life? Is there anything big? - It's pussy! - No, you're not. - All right, you're not actually kind of our-- - Yeah, let's get into it. - Oh, okay, we're going there already. - Yeah, let's go on with dating. - You know, that's the thing about being a single woman of a certain age. Everybody wants to know. Everybody wants to fucking know what I'm up to. I'm a busy bitch though, you know? And, you know, I-- - You're not too busy to date though. - Oh! (laughing) - You could be dating? - Well, this is what happened, Caleb. You know, I've been deep in grief this past year, so I sort of gave myself the time off, 'cause, you know, you go on one of those hinged dates, it's like, how many siblings do you have? I was like, one in heaven, one on the ground. (laughing) - One on the ground was crazy. One up there, one on the ground, thank you. - But then, I've been seeing psychic mediums like, I speak to my brother. (laughing) - This is gonna be a really interesting challenge for me. - I knew you were gonna give me a talk about this. - No, it's not a talk. It's obviously, I have to be softer than I'd like to be due to the grief, but-- - I'll just, let me just say, it's not like I've seen psychics before, and I'm not trying to get any future predictions. I'm just trying to have a word. - Yeah. - You know? - Yeah. - How you doing up there? - I understand. - What's happening? You catching any waves in the ether? - You know-- - Are you getting a connection? - I have, there have been some specific things, but this last time I went and it was around that anniversary, and so I was like, let's have a chat. And the whole time this woman was telling me that he wants me to find true love. And I was like, all right. And then I was telling my mom, and she was like, well, he would say that all the time when he was alive. And I was like, okay, fine. - That's really nice. I think that's a great takeaway from that situation. - I knew you were gonna say that. - I like that. I also want you to find true love. - Yeah, no, but I, what I'm looking, trying to do this year as sort of a reset from the year of grief is I just like want to shake my ass. - Yeah. - And I know you think that you worry about me being radicalized by TikTok, but really, Zara Larson's been coming up on my For You page a lot, and I am inspired. - Yeah. - Yeah, she is moving her ass. - Is she, I don't know, I don't know her music, but I know that people like her. - I've just sort of, she's just sort of arrives into my awareness, but she's really dancing up there. And that's what I've been interested in lately. - Yeah. - Yeah, I want to dance. - Are you dancing? - I did on Monday. - Where'd you go? - Rosebud had some bizarre karaoke thing. - That's so interesting, 'cause that would have been in New York. And you're talking about, of course, Rosebud Baker, our mutual friends. But yeah, I don't think I got a text, so. - You know, it's crazy, 'cause I saw Matt and Mullin yesterday, and they said the same thing. And I think when your friends get so famous, as I know you don't want me to use that word, but I just expect you to be at Meryl Streep's house. And so then-- - Oh, Monday, yeah, I was at Meryl's house. - Yeah, I thought you-- - No. - Fuck, I was doing karaoke at Meryl's house. - No, Monday, I thought you were at Meryl's house. And so then I was like, okay, he just wanted to, he's probably engaged with Meryl. He's probably not hopping down to his little old friend, a skateboarder blonde, he's karaoke, you know? I would have nothing more. - But, you know, I don't, all of you somehow, all the New York comedians, gorgeous voices, I don't know. You know me, I am just like, I bring the vibes to karaoke, not the pipes. - What'd you say? - Well, Rosebud, she general, serial typed to me, and she said, okay, this is your pitch, meaning skateboard voice, and put on all American read-jacks. And she's like, you can sing this one. - Hilar, I'm also loving that at Rosebud's karaoke night, she picks the song, so that's really funny. - Well, no, like everyone else there was, I mean, Mateo was pretty much, you know. - Well, you do opera musical theater. - There was a lot of musical theater. - Yeah. - And something I love to reveal constantly about Rosebud is that she was a musical theater major, and she tries to hide that. - Yeah. - I was like, a little tough. - She did a pretty good job of hiding that. - As like a tough guy, where she has like the vibe of like a garage mechanic, you know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, but no, they were singing sister act. I want to love for you to be there. Frankly, she did this a month after her birthday, sent the text, and I said, okay, I booked a flight for your birthday, and she forgot that she had a birthday. She had to change a flight to make her own birthday. - Oh wow. - Yeah, so she's like, I didn't even remember. I just said, send out a text to a few people and said, invite anyone. - Invite anyone, there's such a tough, obviously, phrase, just based on who I am. - Look, I wish, if I could turn back time, it was, you know, the great share of time. ♪ If I could turn back time ♪ - That was beautiful. - It wasn't, and I did go to one of her 1 million farewell tours when I was 13. - Yeah. - Maybe the first of her farewell tours. - What was I going to say to you? It wasn't about shares farewell, farewell tour. It was about, oh, you know what? About, I was just about how fun it is to be friends with so many funny, cool people. - It really is. - Like being friends with comedians is so fun. - It is, and you know, as the most earnest person alive, I like to say that my younger self would just, like, this was all I wanted, was to just, like, when I go into a front, my friend Aimee Silverbrook's, like, book launch, and like, seeing her do a reading, and just like, that, yeah, that's all I wanted as a kid in Orange County, a culturally barren, Orange County. - The OC. - Beautiful, beautiful vista. - Beautiful the OC. - But no books, no art there, and so this was, we made it out, baby. - Yeah. - We're out there. - I have that thought a lot when I'm just sitting around with comics, like, chitchatting, talking about, you know, whatever, invariably talking shit on, some comic we don't like, or talking about a set that we had that was fun, or whatever. I'm just like, oh, wow, this is the coolest life ever. - It is. - So I'm so happy to have so many creative, weird friends. - No, it's so much fun. Everyone's so smart, like, from all over the country, all different places, and now you're in the band Paramore. And I know an actual member, that's so cool. - I'm in the band Paramore, yeah. - Yeah. - It's happening for me. I've been auditioning forever. - I know, when you-- - When you finally ready to have me. - When you had a minute away from Merrill's house. - Dude, when I tell you, my musician friends will not stop asking me to come on stage, and I, it's funny because I always joke about, like, oh, I hate going to concerts, 'cause I'm not up there. I really do try to avoid getting up there, because guess what, I'm a Paramore fan, and guess what I know. If I was watching a Paramore show, or a Haley show, this was a Haley show, if I was watching a Haley show-- - Oh, it was a Haley show. - And they brought out a gay comedian. (laughing) I would be so fucking mad. And so I know there were people in that audience that were like, oh, God! I can't get away from this fucking guy. And I feel for them as the thing I'm like, maybe I know I'm so sorry, but you're gonna have to keep dealing with it. (laughing) - I love when, like, some sort of distant, past life Republican comes out of you, where it just came out right then. If I was in the audience and I saw this gay comedian-- - I would hate it. I'm sorry, I would hate it. What are you doing at the Haley show? Let me just see Haley. - No, but I remember one time I asked you, and I hope it's okay to reveal this. I said if you could be anything else, you said singer. - Oh, and way rather be a musician. It's so much cooler. I mean, the number of times I'm at a concert, we went to the Ember Mark Show in Brooklyn recently, like me, Michelle, Leo, Sydney, and Marie. - Uh-huh. - So much fun, and I'm just watching, and I'm like, there's nothing comparable in comedy. - Right. - To what these people do. - Yeah. - There's nothing comparable. Even when you're at the, like, I've played some cool rooms. I've, like, I've lived some dreams in my comedy life. I've been so lucky. And even still, there's nothing compares to walking out on that stage as a musician and people singing your songs. - I, I, it, I-- - You don't have it. - No, we don't, I'm from no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I used to say that in, like, the relief to be sincere, I think, would be incredible. - But you are being sincere. - No, of course, I am. And I live that way, but, you know, in our circles, it's shocking to people. - Yeah. - I think sometimes people don't, can't figure me out for a while because they're like, there's no way that she means everything that she's saying. - Well, it's the, I think it's the fact that you'll say something deeply sincere, and then you'll, like, scream with your voice. (laughing) Like you'll be like, you'll be like, "I'm really sad!" (laughing) And it's like, she did mean that. - I like to say, I'm never joking. (laughing) - Never ever joking around. - Yeah, but see, it's that cadence that makes people, it's that cadence that's gonna go ahead and make people think that you're not being sincere. And I know that you are. I've been around. I know the way to story. - You know what I'm saying is how I met you and you were like 24, and now you're a goddamn girl. You are an, and now you're, and half the way's friend. - You and you and the cast have done a worse product today. - No, I am the biggest, I am losing my mind over this. - Yeah, I think a moment. - When I heard the news, I was like, "Okay, this is, this is huge for me. "This is gonna, I can't wait. "I can't wait to get my ass in that theater seat." - Yeah, you're gonna be seeing me for two to three minutes in that movie. - It's gonna be huge for me. But not look, I'll never forget where I was at the Burbank Theater when I saw you in the Drosk Park, was on a date with a guy I didn't like at all. And I said, "Ha, ha, ha, it was worth it. There's my buddy. So I'm in the control room. Yeah. In the control room for 23 seconds, blink and you'll miss him. It was huge for me. It was huge for me. What's going on with you this year? You're over the year of grief. You're into the year of shaking your ass. Yeah, I mean, the grief is still there, but you know, you have to remedy it with shaking your ass. And I'm just on tour. I'm everywhere, you know, just traveling around, delivering this medicine to the people. And apothecary really. Yeah. I'm traveling. I'm doing comedy. What else am I doing? I'm trying to act, you know, that's ultimately where I want to land. I wish to be sort of another iteration, but uniquely myself of Melissa McCarthy, Jack Black. There's, there's something missing. What? Well, just those being the two people you picked, obviously, I don't see they don't seem to think. I think they all think what I'm thinking, which is that you're going to need to put on some weight. Oh, you're picking fat icons. Well, you know, that could be done. That's fine. I just think I'm just saying if that's what you want, it might be time to get a little fat with it. Okay. I love to eat. Well, let's get, let's get there. You've never been fat though. You've always been like an athlete. You're like playing volleyball and college and stuff. Were you ever fat? Were you fat as a kid? I had a few years there where everyone called me fat. Everyone called you fat, but were you fat? I don't think so. Right. Like third, fourth grade, you know, before I had braces as well. But you know, Orange County was a prison back then. Yeah. Maybe time to get fat. Yeah. But anyways, it's not about the outward appearance to me. Yeah. Really? That's all everything's about to me. Yeah. I don't see the inside. Yeah. I've always said that about you. Markably shallow. I only see fat people and thin people. That's it. You're either fat or you're off my radar. I say on your radar, baby. Well, that's because you have obviously a fatness in your heart. I know I do. And that's why like it really, you know, because when you pose that question to me that you see something missing, I couldn't think of it. I was like, I don't understand what you couldn't think about fatness. No, I couldn't. It was making you ill to consider. No, it just didn't cross my mind. I was like, I feel like we all three, me, Jack Melissa, same personality. Yeah. No, you guys are a lot of fun. I would love to see you. What's the, what's the one role of either of theirs that you would kill to have taken from them? Heat. I love. Oh, it's so good. It's classic with Sandra Bullock. Another favorite. Now I do love Sandy. Yeah. Now I do love Sandy. How could you not? Oh my God. She's a talent. Oh my God. And I mean, she's like one of the most likable people in the earth. She's an incredibly charming talent. And I don't think we have, we don't have a Sandra Bullock anymore. No. And if you think that I am not losing my God damn mind about practical magic coming out. Yeah. Oh, I can't wait over the moon about it. I'm over the goddamn moon. I am in the stratosphere. I'm in the galaxy. The time is ticking. Let's go. Let's take him forever. Winds are coming out. I don't know. Hopefully soon. Time is ticking. I kind of can't wait. Don't know when it's going out. No, well, you know, I know tick tock. I'll tell me. But one thing about practical magic while we're here. Yeah. Nicole Kimmim with that red hair. The long straight red hair and the bang. She's never looked better. Like I need to have her in that hair. Hello. She looks so hot with that hair. She looks hot in most things. Oh no. Of course. She always looks hot. Yeah. I just think like a red head. I like when they have they stay with the red instead of going blonde. Yeah. My personal opinion. Yeah. You know, no, take out her. Leave the baby. You taking girls? No, but I should. I didn't think you were, but it's just kind of baffles the mind. Really? Did she be doing girls? Thank you. Whenever I consider, you know, because on the OCD test, one of the questions is, do you worry that you're homosexual and just don't know? And I said, yes. That's really funny. Also, yeah. What do you say? Yes. I said, yes. Yes. But then I was like, how will I know if it's a OCD thought or a real gay thought, fake disease, gay thought, real gay thought, you know? And then I'm like, I'm worse off than before I started. Yeah. Well, have you just have you thought about just like running that down for a little bit? You ever thought about? Yeah. No, I think I get a couple girls home and just seeing what sticks. Seen what sticks throwing it against the wall. You can tell her, hey, I don't know if this is OCD or if I want to eat you up, but let's try. This might be this might be an intrusive thought. Let's see. Look, there are some people that I have had a crush on like Dakota Johnson. If you're watching this, you probably are. I do have a crush on you. And I know that you're already, and you've moved on with that Sally man, but I find you attractive. She's got a lot of junei. I say, "Qua can't look away." She's got a twinkle in her eye, you know? Yeah. I like her vintage car collection. She's a vintage car collection. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, her and Kendall. I think so. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Are you about to tell me that Dakota is like your close personal friend? No. Oh, okay. No. That would be crazy. That would be crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's definitely not what I'm going to tell you. If you were going to like dial her right now or something, and I'm like, I'm not there yet, but okay. I'll ring her up. Okay. I'll ring her up. Yeah, so that could be in my future. I really want it for you. Really? Yeah. Every time I bring it up to one of my friends, they're like, no, you're so straight. Well, you are, and that's unfortunate. I mean, I do the number of the sort of things that you tell me you want out of a man and the man you're willing to put up with. I do find to be like a deeply heterosexual. Really diseased. Look, I wish I could argue with you, but I can't. Yeah. At this moment, I have to take that one on the chin. Absolutely right. It's really baffling to me because so many men are like, I just want a woman who like, woman who's fun and wants to like, like cares about sports and like, wants to like have babies and settle down. And like, that's really what you're kind of putting out a lot of the time. I know I'm not a casual sex guy as like a deeply sensitive, um, deeply sensitive person. Yeah. I don't have that thing. I know which I envy meant a lot of men don't have it. Yeah. You know, you're able to separate holes from the heart. That is true. holes in harder find the distance. Yeah. Not for me. My heart is in my hole. Yeah. Can you imagine? So what happens? Like what what happens if you have sex with someone that you don't like? I just wouldn't why wouldn't you don't enjoy it? I wouldn't want to do it. Yeah. I'd be uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. What that's fine. I don't mind it. It's totally fine. Yeah. Yeah. You know, life is long and complicated. Right. I've just started, um, my my friend Amy always has life as long and I always thought life is short. Like that's the way that I've lived. Yeah. Life is long. It is kind of long. Amy Silverberg, Amy Miller. Silverberg. Sounds more like a silverberg. Yeah. Didn't sound like an Amy Miller quote to me. No. I love that girl. Oh yeah. She's a kick. She's the best. She's a real kick and talk about someone who's a fun time. Amy Miller. Yeah. The best. Yeah. Like if you if like out in the world. Yeah. How in the world as opposed to like on a night out. You know. Yeah. Like she brings a fun. I feel. Oh, she's the best. Yeah. What was I thinking of having, um, uh, we're talking about, oh, life is long. Life is so long. We really have to be like, I mean, okay, it can also be short. Let's hope that it's long. But you really, I feel like I don't know, once I got to 30, I was like, wow, I basically, when I turn 30, I just start being like, you might actually have to like face the consequences of some of your behavior someday. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I do know. I will say like the 30s felt really fast. You know, I mean, I'm not out of them yet. I was going to say you're in your 30s. I know. I started saying I was 41. I was like 32. Yeah. Okay. But I feel like they just went by in a blip. But, um, that's my biggest fear. Yeah. I don't know. Kind of means you're present though. No. I guess I just don't really don't like. I have a real woman to throw up. I saw the other day, a perfect example. It was a fucking Instagram reel of this guy who was like 42. And he was like, just talking, but he was just, it was like a voiceover. He was like running on the beach. And he was like, uh, my 30s completely flew by. I don't know where they went. Now I'm 42. And I'm just like, I don't like the idea of time flying. That really stresses me out. I know. And I guess it's not about aging, by the way. I know what you mean. I like aging. Yeah. I love every year. I like myself more. I'm enjoying getting older. I actually feel the exact same way. Like I feel happier, prettier, more relaxed. Uh, yeah. Just I feel much more at home in myself. And I feel cooler, by the way. Yes. Every year that goes by, the one thing is like, if you don't hit potential, uh, like societal markers, you know, where people, you know, start to worry about you. Like as you start to worry about me. You get worried about you because you're not married with a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Um, as my mother and my brother and the psychic. Um, but my problem is that like, I have built a life that I'm genuinely fulfilled by. I'm busy as hell. I love all my friends. I put all so much heart and soul into my friendships, my family, and I love comedy. And so there's not like this huge gap that feels like it's missing. What I love to be and what I love to meet the love of my life in a coffee shop and then like I'm like Oh my god, this guy has so much integrity. He's dripping with integrity and yet I just want to bounce on that thing Yeah, you know what that be sort of an incredible situation to stumble on, but do I want to on my night off go out On the hinge day. Got to do it anyway. Oh Sorry. Got to do it anyone. I know right. All right. I'm gearing up tough love time You're not going to bump into a man dripping an integrity that you want to bounce on his dick at the coffee shop You're gonna have to take 45 minutes on that night off and go get a drink baby It's tough love time. I can't it's the number of my friends that are like I just don't I don't have the time I can't imagine yes you do and you have to Well speaking of someone who will utilize every minute of time you are incredible Not really. I'm pretty lazy. I just you have to you have to have boundaries 45 minute first day It's 45 minutes of your day. You can do it. Right. What do you do? Are you one of those Psychopaths that does a day date like a coffee date if that's what I have time for you Oh my god, and I'll just be really clear like hey, I have a thing after that But how do you catch attraction at coffee in the daytime in a 45-minute window? It's not about catching some sort of like terminal long-time attraction. It's like you go for 45 minutes You talk to someone for two minutes, and you know if you like their vibe or not That's what I'm saying. So you talk to him you talk to him for a couple minutes You go I like this person they say something interesting you float some you float some like some bait You go like how what do you think about this you know you get their opinions on things you find out a little bit about their politics A little bit about their world view whatever you need to know And then you leave and if you enjoyed them and you feel yourself wanting to hang out them again you make time again But yeah, this I mean, it's mostly lesbians. I have this problem with but they go I don't I don't know how I go on a first date I don't have five free hours in the next week. Oh, I do have five free hours. It's getting the will. It's getting the ambition It's stirring up some sort of Any even just a modicum of genuine motivation. Yeah. Well, maybe do false motivation. Maybe just make yourself do yeah, okay 45 minutes once a week 45 minutes once a week a drink once you go get a drink with some strange man instead of Movie my ass at that dance class. I do well. I want you to do it right before or right after the dance class Both all the above this guy's freaking crazy. I do like that you will schedule your day down to the hour I know that about you. I used to do that a lot and the I mean these days I'm pretty Michelle knows I'm canceling shit I'm canceling shit because I didn't know where you were getting the engine for all that. Oh, I'm canceling I'm rescheduling. Yeah, I'm also now I have a very I used to schedule my day down to the hour because I Had to work a lot more to make a living yeah, I was broke and so I was busy like it was like these huge hours The day where I had to be working which is being an old person in the world right and now that that's not really my like now I have more free space like I think it's have to get done But they can kind of get done when I want them to right and I can kind of cancel most things wow and so I will I take now I take the liberty but I didn't get used to get to do that and What are you and what are you sort of are you you're out of a lot of concerts? I feel like is that like your ideal? God, I love going to concerts. Yeah, my ideal is like Oh, I love going to a concert. Yeah, I love seeing my friends mostly my friends shows I want to see my friends do their thing I like going and seeing my friends like do the thing they're really good at and then hang out them for a little bit afterwards I make them feel supported that's so much fun. I love going to a dinner. I love a dinner. I love walking I've been walking to Manhattan a lot from Brooklyn. Love walking. Hey standing. That's always in my position Standing. No, thank you walking walking. Love. Love it. It's the best. It feels so good. It's the best thing Um, it's really the only exercise that I prefer to be involved in. I know that's not dancing. Are you out here dancing or Yeah, I went dancing the other night with Carly Kane. Oh, I love Carly. We went dancing. I was he heard forever. Oh God, but yeah, but my ideal day concert biking you biking No, you're not you're not finding me on a bike. I love to bike. Oh wait, in New York That's like a death sport. Yeah, well, there's a thrill on it. Are you really biking around these? Oh, yeah Well, I remember the first time I moved to New York. I know the only time I moved to New York I hadn't been here and I was like, Oh, yeah, I know how I'm gonna die. It will be impaled by cyclists Impaled by cyclist. Yeah, because like they go careening by like they don't worry about the walk You really as a pedestrian you have to have your wits about you like in LA There's people walking on the five freeway and you just have to dodge them. Yeah, you know, that's your that's on you I would say cyclists in my experience are pretty the thing to me that I think about cyclists is they are The perfect example of a community that's mostly right but suffers from being too fucking annoying right They are mostly correct cyclists. It's like drivers completely disregard them Pedestrians will stand in the fucking bicycle lane doing nothing on their goddamn phones like I understand the cyclists that are putting out like head Headcam footage of them screaming at people because people are fucking idiots right but because cyclists are so goddamn annoying We don't want to hear their correct message and that's the that's that's the burden and now we're circling back And that's the politics and that's the burden They have the correct message, but they are so all goddam inside their delivery. Yeah, no, but uh Sometimes I and I have experienced at this trip. I will be candid with you. Um I there's a walk sign and there's a cyclist that said no bitch absolutely not Yeah, of course. I just think generally cyclists are more in the right than in the wrong right There's gonna be a cyclist who blows a walk sign every once in a while. Yeah, but most of the time Cyclists are following the rules and being safe because they're in a vulnerable position and drivers and pedestrians are ruining it And so what are we're doing the god? I didn't know that you are doing this around here. Are you doing that? It'll only in the daytime though, right? No, I'm back in the night. Oh my god. You're a wild man Yeah, people don't love it. You can't be corraled Well, I think it's fun. Also, I know what I'm doing I think a lot of it's just paying attention. Oh, couldn't be me couldn't be me Couldn't be me No, I love it. It's the most magical thing. That's really nice. I I'm so happy you love New York as much as you do I love New York because moving here's the best decision. I'm so glad about that. I love that Are you gonna move back? No, I know you love LA. Oh, no, I'm such a I need my trees. I need my sun. Yeah, you know I wake up and this was a tough year this past year And when you guys were having that winter from hell, I was like yep too fragile every day to wake up Thank god this one is there for me today. Oh, it was beautiful though. Yeah, well, I know it was so it was so awesome You know, you have a much more robust constitution than me You know, so yeah, it's perfect for you. You got that grit. The grit has left me I don't even think it takes that much grit. I mean here's what I'll say. I get I leave a lot So I'm not a good I'm not a good advocate for how beautiful the winter is I'd be leaving. I'd be going other places. Yeah, I have to commute to an office in Manhattan every morning. Right So other people I don't begrudge anyone complaining about it But I will say god I missed seasons. Yeah, I woke up after four years in LA and I was like what the fuck happened? Where I'm talking what did I do? I did nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Four of the most prime years of my life the last four years of my 20s. Right. I was in LA doing almost nothing Right I and I woke up and I was like oh my fucking god. What happened to me? I know I can I can understand that sentiment. I am quite glad that I started comedy in New York I feel like there's nowhere like it You know, I'm glad I was out all the time. I was running ragged drop Going to multiple shows and I go and drink it, you know, not sleeping the entire time. I was here now. That's why I'm catching up Yeah, yeah, but I'm glad I did it. Yeah. Yeah, we miss you. Thanks. We miss you out here. I stopped by and you know next time We'll be doing the karaoke. So I don't have to get a text I'd love to get a text. All right. Well, now that we've covered it like you know again I'm not I don't want to intrude on Ann and Merrill and Stanley and and Merrill and Stan and Stan is he just a dream? Yeah, he is Everybody was lovely, but it is funny the the thing you're mentioning is like A thing that I've heard a lot in the last like two years if people being like I just just I didn't want to bother you And I'm like bother me. I know. Am I giving that vibe? Not at all Not at all. You're not giving that vibe at all like you are the most receptive like you text back immediately like You never give that vibe. Matt and Bowen said the same thing and and they were like wow, but I was like this Wow Would have loved to be Invited to that that would it sounds like so much fun now would I have come had I been invited? I don't like can't tell you that That's not for me to know I all my decisions about where I show up are based on it a minute to minute hour by hour assessment But even if I've said I'll be there it doesn't it just has that we have to see right we have to see But I do love to be invited places. Oh, yeah, and well this I was actually stunned by this this bitch forgot that she had a birthday party Yes, forgot who she invited that she invited anyone Everyone came Out on a Monday night I would say 94% of the people there were sober too, and it was just an absolute rager And I was like New York is crazy in that way sober rager on a Monday night. I'm sorry. I'm calling Rosebud. Um. Oh, no, I'm not He's gonna love this. No, I forget. I don't have her number. Oh, we talk on Instagram. Do you want me to color? Um, yeah, we call her sure Quad text me. Hey, are you gonna be at your studio in like 30 minutes? I forgot my key for the building and need to get buzzed in Who's Claude? Claude's a musician. Oh hot? Yes Single give me this help me Hello Larry. Hey surprise it. It's Caleb Heron. Hello, Caleb. Hey, babe, I just wanted to confront you really quick on my podcast. I am here with Blair recording, frankly, an Alzheimer. I hit episode. Um, actually, you were sent a particle and I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. No, you know, oh, my god. No, not our decoder, Johnson, Ellen, de generous moment. Not this. Actually, Ellen, that's not true. Dakota was the villain in that clip. Um, that's crazy, but you know what I will say, not in my defense, but just as a point of reality, I'm not clicking particles anymore. Stop fucking sending them to me. I'm not clicking particles. I hate them. I don't want to see the guest list. I don't want RSVP. Text me the goddamn address in time. I'm not clicking your particle. It's over with particle for me. No more particle for Caleb. Don't send me your fucking particle. I'm done. I'm not, I'm not replying with a gift. Stop. So you want to go back in the log? You want into a show of text? Yes. Yeah, okay. You know, and I'll, I could be so bold here. I, um, I love an email. I love an email because then I just search it right up. And when I get the email, I actually input it into my calendar, whereas for some reason, the text to calendar doesn't happen as easily. I love an old school email. The particles have gotten out of control. The particles are out of control. People are doing them for like, they're doing them for like movie nights. Yes. That's exactly the problem. Stop. There's an oversaturation. There's an oversaturation of particles. They're not, I don't like it. I don't like it. I'm getting upset with them. Yeah. Don't send one to me. Right. Don't send one. That's why Caleb wasn't at the Monday night karaoke. That's on me. And I'm reaping what I sell. Right. And honestly, I'm my problem. Yeah. Open the particle. If you want to go to karaoke, you whiny bitch. You missed, um, joyful, joyful from sister act, uh, no less than three times. That's actually really beautiful. I wish I was there for that. Yeah. I'm going to start opening the particles again. Take everything I said back. I'm opening particles. 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If the bugs don't go away, you'll get a refund. Bugs hate to see you coming with pesty go to pesty.com/show true for an extra 10% off your order. That's p-e-s-d-i-e.com/show true for an extra 10% off. Um, so you've been biking outside of the hanging with Meryl? I feel bad that I hung up on Rosebud. Why? She wouldn't let her do that to me. No, she loved that. She tried to come from me on my show. Yeah, no, she's nice try bitch. Well, she posted all. She was posting about a crazy style. I was getting messages from about her post from disgusting men. Shoot what? They're like, I can't believe you went to karaoke brawless. I was like, honey, look, it wasn't my most supportive bra, but, um, I'm not out here swanging in the streets brawless on the Monday night. I know men are crazy. You wouldn't believe the DMs I get. Yes, I would. And I feel, yeah. I've seen some of this stuff. No, you and you shocked. I know. But it's like Rosebud didn't, uh, as like a non-single woman doesn't get the same shit. It's like if the only thing, uh, keeping men from being gross is another man. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. That is true. Yeah. I got an awesome DM. I got an awesome message on Grindr the other night. Really? Yeah. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. I really screen shot it because I was like, this is actually, this is actually to me the best case of a message I can get on Grindr. Okay. Let me find this. Um, one of my goals this weekend and it was in to go on a date, but just to redo my dating profile and I asked Rosebud to hold me accountable. Uh-huh. What does yours say? My Grindr? Yeah. Well, my Grindr. That's just a fuck app, right? Yeah. Pretty much. My Grindr, not that interesting. My, my, my hinge is good, I think. Really? Like, you go all in. I'm bringing hoties. I'm bringing. No, but I mean, like, do you write a lot or like, yeah, I write some stuff on them. Okay. Do you want to see my hinge? I'd love to. Thank you. I wish I could find this Grindr message. I thought I screen shot at it because I thought it was so cool. This is awesome. He said, what is this? This is four in the morning. I had just gotten home. He said, uh, I don't know a different way to say this. Can I please suck your dick before we even start? Yes, I have seen your work. You're hilarious. And I want you to fuck me if you're into it. Awesome. That what an opener. Really awesome. Yeah. That's like you, like you dream of a way for someone to talk to you. And you're like, wow, no, he nailed it. Fan of my work. Sure. Once me to consent. Right. Love that. Once me to have sex with him. Yeah. Offering a great service. Yeah. No questions. Sure. Like zero preface. No, like dumb little game we have to play. That's awesome. I really like that. Pretty cool. Did you meet up with him? Yeah. We had great sex. We had a fun night. Wow. It was an awesome time. I really have a lot of respect for that young man. I just love how you close the deal. It's great. It's not much of a deal to close. I usually, I'm happy to be a, you know, usually there's a little more work involved. That was just a, a layup. I was off for only. Wow. Oh, for only. No, no self-safe. This is my hinge. Oh, hey, chic. Would you date him? I 100%. Why can't you be straight? This is so sexy. It would make my life infinitely easier. I would give anything. Oh, my God. I love you. I would give anything to be straight. If you would, I would fucking move mountains. No. Do you understand the way that, I mean, men are so pathetic, straight men are so pathetic because if I were straight, the way I would fucking like, I actually could cry thinking about it. Like I would clean up, dude. No. It's so easy. I just, I feel that we are so, people are so stupid. Yeah. Like it really is like our society is so stupid at this point. That so many people I hear from, I go, I just don't even know how to seriously engage with you. Right. And I'm talking about on the internet. Yeah. And real life people are mostly lovely even when they're dumb. But, yeah. Yeah. I just feel like we, I don't know how to seriously engage with a lot of people anymore. Well, I don't think you have to. And I feel like that realization is keeping you at some semblance of peace with all the people like, because they're projecting those making a huge projection on you based off of one little short clip refusing to consider context ever. Refusing to consider nuance ever. And also by the way refusing to shut the fuck up. Do you know how many times in a day I see something I don't like online that I just go that's annoying and move on with my eyes. I know. The option to shut the fuck up is there and so many of these people just won't take it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. No one cares what you think. I know when I get these straight men like a hateful straight men that don't think women should do comedy and it's like, well you're free to not like my clip. It's not for you dumbass. Yeah. Have I ever gone it's psychotic to go on a stranger's video and write something hateful. But that is the same thing and it's that so many people especially online imagine that they imagine that they would do what you're doing better than you. Yeah. But we'll never know because you'll never have the chance babe. I know. We won't ever know how you would do it because no one wants to hear from you. Right. And they think they would be a better comedian than you and it's like, then go get on stage. You can't. No one would book you. Yeah. We are never gonna hear from you because you don't have anything interesting to say. And so your employers comments talk about how women shouldn't be comedians. Brother, you can't make the people at your office. I always say that. I'm like, that's fine. You literally never said one funny thing in your whole goddamn life. There's a reason we don't know who you are. We're gonna comment her. If you were so otherworldly funny, we would know who you are. Move on. Go find something else. Try being kind. Maybe that's your lane. I know. Well, also it's like the funniest people aren't spreading their day, you know, in Instagram comments on strangers videos. They're outdoing it. Yeah, they're not. And also a lot of the funniest people are not famous comedians, but they're also not in the comments of famous comedians doing fucking theorems about comedy and what's funny and what works. And like, I see these guys sometimes back when I would read the comments more like when my comedy central set came out. Yeah, it was like a big deal for me to have a central set. Mostly nice comments, really, but a couple of straight guys that were just like, oh, this joke would have worked better if X. Get on stage. Yeah, or let me know when you get on stage. And they're like, good concept, but need to work on the delivery. Do it. Show me, send me your, send me your 10. Yeah, my God. Send me your 10. You pathetic bitch. Yeah. Okay, sign felt like you, you don't know. Oh, my God. It's so, it's just like you, yeah, you've never done this and you never will. And, and then I feel like sometimes when you say that people are like, oh, so they have to like you. I'm like, no, they don't have to like me, but they certainly shouldn't be criticizing the way I do something that they don't have the balls, talent, skill or courage to even try. Sorry to bring it back to Brunei round, but if you're not in the ring, baby. Get out of here. I think it was Brunei Brown who said, get out of here. I don't know her quote. This is a non-texton pair of phrase, but um, what did she said? If they're not in the ring with you, their criticism doesn't get to be in there either. Hello. Hello. I think that's word for word. But no, also the idea that it never considers, it never crosses their mind because they feel like everything whether they're aware of it or not is inherently for them. That if they don't like something that it could be actually for an entirely different audience. Yeah. Like I, you know, when I think about straight men sometimes, I'm like, I literally have nothing in common with you. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to bed with you. You know, like we don't, we don't have any of the same interests, ideas. Keep following that. I'm going to. I know that you're wish. Keep following that. Dakota. Chase that down. Yeah. No, I think sometimes I do prefer though me personally. And obviously I don't this probably wouldn't speak to your experience. But for me personally, I sometimes prefer the straight guys that are just like he's unfunny. His jokes are bad to the like liberal queer people that don't like me that are like try to make me like a moral failing or try to give like an academic analysis of what is supposed to be silly and absurd where they're like where they're like he's, it's problematic. He said that and it's like, no, you just shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You don't think it's funny. Shut the fuck up. You're insufferable. Problematic. I hate problem. If you say problematic to me, I will never take you seriously. Well, it's also just so crazy because I mean, especially you like you're out there and you were way before even you achieved these like great levels of success, like doing the work. Like you're a very heavily involved in charity giving your money your time. I do the bare minimum. I do not. I do. I do. I do what I think I'm supposed to do. I don't even want anyone to be like he's such a great activist. I know that. I know that you don't want that. I just mean like, and I know that that's not what you're going for. But it's like to go after to not have the awareness that who you're going after is actually like putting good into the world and doing and like as opposed to so many other people that are either actively harming or just not doing shit. Yeah, I think my I don't need anyone to think that I'm a hero. I don't think that but problematic to me is such a specifically stupid brain dead worthless accusation against someone, not even just me in general in the world. Yeah. Problematic is like you either need to find a real problem in your own life. Go find something to be actually worried about. Yeah. Or you have to actually say what you don't like about this person. You problematic is like really sit down and think about that. What does that mean? It means nothing. Think about a real problem and try and assess the text or the the content through like any kind of lens at all that has any kind of merit. Problematic is just like the dumb person's way of being like I don't like this and that means it's morally. Yeah. No, it's not. You just don't like it. And you're not a serious person to engage with. Yeah. And also it's like not it's a comedy podcast or a stand-up set. Yeah, we're a comedian. Whatever. It's like. Yeah, it's just like it doesn't matter. The point is to have fun. Like we're not. I mean, look, I'm not trying to be like I'm pushing the boundaries. I'm on the last bastion of truth. Like, you know, I'm a fucking poet in philosopher. I'm a poet. And look, if you don't like it, then, you know, just get the fuck out of here, leave the country, you know, emigrate, fucking emigrate. Yeah. But it's also like then we go the other way too far the other way, you know. Yeah. And you're just like God, can anything be remotely fun anymore? Or just like silly? And can you just dislike something quietly? Yeah. Can you? Must you be so, so like vigilant about the things you don't like? I don't like plenty of things and I just mostly keep it to myself. Oh my God. For the most part, except well, when it comes to like movies and TV and stuff like that, there are things I definitely talk about. Not like you're in the Netflix comment. I'm in the comments on Netflix. God, if Netflix had comments, it would be such an idea. This is problematic. Could you imagine if streamers got comments? God. We're probably close. Now there's commercials. We're basically back to paying for 70 different cable packages. I know. I love it. You do? Yeah. I'm really happy about it. I think it's good. Yeah. I know you do. I'm got it cost way more in its way worse. Right. I think that's awesome. And that's happening with everything, by the way. I know. Everything cost more is worse. Nobody does customer service anymore. Everyone's customer service now is fuck you. It's fuck you. And it's some like hateful robot that just has three. It's a hateful robot that does like ABCD answers and they're like, did ABC or D meet your answer your question? It's like, no, bitch. Not even close. Not even the same galaxy. And they're like, thank you. Have a nice day. Everyone's customer services. You type in your question and they're a little bots. Send you back a link to an FAQ page. Yes. Why don't you mail me a knife? And I'll stab myself today. This is so unhelpful. Nobody has good customer service anymore. Everyone's product is getting worse. Yeah. It all costs way more than it ever did. Not it makes no sense. Yeah. It's crazy. It makes no sense. And I feel crazy all the time. I do too. What are we going to do? I mean, the flights, the flights. It's crazy. I'm going to personally do nothing except for complain a little bit. Sure. But I do think somebody should do something. But at least it's on your own forum and it's not on someone else's video. Hello. Also, if you want to complain about an airline, go nuts. Yeah. Well, I will say the one boundary I have for myself is I will not do. I've said this before on the show. No matter how bad travel gets for me, I will not do. On stage. On stage. Maybe public Instagram story tagging the airline. Oh, when when people do this, yeah, it is the most humiliating base behavior. Right. When you see someone with eight million Instagram followers and seven houses, posting on Instagram, being like, @JetBlue, you're over. I'll never fly you again. It's like, why were you in the first place? Like, do you not have a contact? Like, call the, you're, you must be a status with them. Call the people. Like, what are you talking about? I love that you find that to be the lowest level of gauche because I'm always like, I'm glad someone. I'm like, I appreciate it because I'm like eight million. Maybe they'll listen to that. I know. I just think it's so humiliating. It is. I think it is. And I get where you're coming from. And I've been in the place. You know what I mean? We're the, where you, you've had in a day, a day where an airline pushes you to your fucking edge. Yeah. And I get why they do it. Because again, everyone's customer service now is fuck you, sit on it and spend. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Not when, not when my life is the way it is. Remember like several years ago when Nicole buyer opened one of like the blankets and it was hidden here. And then she, that was unbelievable. She like, talked about it on like the couch on like late night in her special. She got like a huge settlement from them. It was really incredible. And I was like, go Nicole, like do it for the rest of us, you know? Not a really, really good perspective and point on it. And I'm going to sit with that and think about it and maybe I'll change my mind. Yeah, no, if you could reflect and sort of, sort of if you could maybe open your heart a little bit and let something else in, that would be good. My heart is somewhat open. There are little windows where my heart is open. And I'm finding myself in one now. I'll hear what you're saying and maybe I'll change my mind for now I find it to be one of the most humiliating things you can do. Hey, I'm Frank. I love before we don't even need to talk about it I love you work. Can I suck your dick? Hey, can I suck your dick? Cool as hell. Awesome thing to say to somebody. I Well, I appreciate it when someone will cut the fat like that. Not at no need for the long runway. We're all busy. Yeah Busy cut to the chase. What are you doing here? What's that? How is your day? Do we are we fucking or not? I'm trying to think what I would feel is like really charming to me If like a man out a way that a man could like get in my heart Yours would be like yours would be like Hey, um You're so beautiful and smart and I really like value your personality and I don't even want to hook up with you yet I'd really like to take you to a nice dinner. That would that I think that would I would get like a phone call if a guy said that to you I'm so sorry. I just felt like a huge rush under this I am so sorry. Does anyone have a paper towel? Can someone mop this up? Is there is there like a mat especially if he was like five years older than you with a With a good job. Oh my god. Oh, I just know I know I also read too. What'd you say is also red books? Yeah, I thought you said he's red I was like, I guess he could be red Yeah, he could be a little somber. No worries. I thought you tried to just allow that. I was like, okay. Yeah I was like, he's red sure actually some protections really important to me. Yeah. I was like, oh, he's red. Yeah No worries. At first, I thought you meant like a gender. I was like, that's cool No, because my first boyfriend ever Or not my first boyfriend ever like my in my 20s like my my real serious like post high school college boyfriend He was from my hometown and he was literally like the first man I had met what like knew about literature. Yeah, and you know that Led me right in there. Yeah, I overlooked a lot. Opened you right up. Opened me right up. It was it was an unsafe You know Scenario and because he was starting he was talking to me about, you know Charlotte Bronte and stuff like that and I and then Later I found out he lied, but he still was very well read. That's really awesome to be a lot about that Yeah, that's a real I'm sorry, but that's a ball nowhere Yeah, that's a real player to lie about reading Charlotte Bronte to get some ass. That's like the sorry. That's awesome I hate me did it to you, but that's a pretty like that's a that's a student of the game Honestly, I wish that I could just have one shred of calculation in my life. I mean one I would love just one morsel of nefarious Behavior of thought to sort of try to trick someone. It's never crossed my mind to trick someone You know when I was on one time I was on a one year of my life when I was two years in the comedy I was on a prank show. Yeah, and I was the only cast member that liked the pranks And I think it was just because this sheer the one moment of me Sort of getting one over on someone for the first time first and last time ever. Yeah, you know someone orchestrating some Little bit of conniviness. Do you know what Michelle said to me recently? What they really fucked me up Michelle Michelle told me recently where we're I don't know where I can't a car from something that we were like You know working and Michelle go I think it was a dream Michelle goes I had a dream that a vision. Yeah, it's worse Michelle goes Michelle goes I had a vision that um you're gonna get your heart broken this year by a red-headed man And now every time I'm attracted to a red-headed man on a dating app or if I see a cute red-headed guy and I'm like I can't I can't talk to him whoa Michelle had a vision number one. She had a vision that I'm gonna get my heart broken horrific right number two by a ginger It's very specific Crazy and now I'm sorry if you have red hair don't talk to me for a while Michelle, what is the genesis of this vision where you sort of a deep Binaural beats meditation or mushrooms or You so much for asking I just like have visions sometimes where like I look at someone and really be something We're also high. That's not we were stoned we were stoned We were stoned and that made it scarier for me personally I'm stoned to Michelle's like you're gonna have your heart broken. She knows like what it's third third I open just out of nowhere and Rupert Grint came into your awareness. Yeah Grint like yeah something similar to break my heart because I one thing about me. I love a red head Yeah, I mean not I mean not every red head. I'm just like not any one thing of anything But like 50% of red heads I'm super attracted to back when I was a really ill-game man And I would still hook up with like closet. It's straight guys really which is a journey. You have to go through a guy Course it's horrific and you'll really assign meaning to it. I mean it really I a lot some gay guys don't grow out of it into those to my brothers I want to say heal yourselves. But I was in that for a moment And I will say one of one of my most challenging straight guy situations ships was was a ginger. Oh, so maybe your Nutrivision was actually a past vision because you know parallel reality maybe being stoned word the timeline Right Maybe you didn't understand that actually my heart was already broken by a ginger So I'm actually released from the curse. Yeah, you went you went back and forth. You were all you were experiencing all everywhere Everything all everywhere lands were yeah all the planes were the veil was thin in that the multiverse the multiverse I'm just a ginger heartbreak ginger heartbreak is a cool name for something absolutely maybe a drag queen that one guy I'm so attracted to That was the star of homeland The red head ever seen that show. Okay. He was also on billions. I know you caught every episode of that show I've seen billions. I'm so sorry. No, no. I know you've seen it all Any other ones. What's his name? His name's like Dominic or something. Damien. Damien Lewis. He's so hot. Oh, I think he's so hot And such a good actor he seems he has very kind eyes Thank you so attractive. Oh my god. They're you remember this? Oh, I have to tell you something off There when we this was like four years ago and I had a crush on this comedian And I told you guys and you're like all of you were like, nope, I don't see it And I recently told him that I had a crush on him and he was like no He said no. He did what what doesn't want to hear that um, who is it? What we put Oh, yeah, what and you told him and he said he said no I mean men are diseased He should be bending over backwards I did tell him that he would regret it and he was like I already regret it But like you know, we're really close friends. Yeah, whatever and I do have to see him almost like every night And I but I'm never like I don't see um comedians as sexual beings So that was just like a real rare thing. Yeah, you don't really see comedians as human I see the female gay and they's yeah exactly. Yeah, male comedians are not human too. And actually like a lot of male comedians as a friend But nothing past that now. Yeah, that's good. That's healing. I'm like oh, we get a flat tire. We don't have to Call in some sort of SWAT team. I mean, you know I was like you oh like these fuckers know how to operate a grill when I think they're weak beta male cucks Absolutely. That's what I call them weak beta male cucks. Yeah. Yeah Well, we've all used the same excuses when it comes to avoiding seeing a therapist Things like it's out of my budget. I don't know if my insurance covers it or that classic What if I can't find someone who's a good fit for me lucky for y'all Rula is here to make all those worries disappear by making getting into therapy easier than ever Be honest. 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Claude Yeah, Claude has a Claude has a works at a studio in this building And Sarah Squirm has a studio in this building. Oh really? We're kind of making a revolution over here. I love that There's a Brooklyn revolution that no one's talking about. I feel like everyone's talking about it There's a Brooklyn revolution in this building. No, this is this building kind of sucks. We've made it nice The guy told her like I think it's gorgeous the guy totally lied to me The guy when I rented this place to for to be the studio. I he was showing it to me and I there's like a bus depot across the street. And I go, you know, we record podcasts. So just shake my hand and promise me that during the day, it's quiet. And he shakes my hand and he goes, it's quiet, man. You're gonna love it here. Let's sign the lease. And I said, okay, I trust you. Cannot be louder. - Is that drummer? - I've never, drummer, I wish. I fucking wish it was a drummer. Instead, it's a bus depot that operates all hours of the day. I don't even know where they're taking the buses. They're seemingly going into the parking lot. You know what makes those loud beeps when they back up? - Yeah. - Beep, beep. I think they're going out there backing the bus up 10 feet, driving it forward, backing it up 10 feet. - Like an Austin Powers scenario in that hallway with the golf cart. - If you told me that what happens over there is that it's their job to test the beepers on the buses to make sure that they're working, I would believe you. - All day testing. - It is completely insane. I had to pay tens of thousands of dollars to soundproof this like curtain over here that soundproofs the room. This guy fucked me. And I believed him based on a handshake because I'm like a 1950s rube. I'm a fucking moron from the rest. - No, that's-- - I trusted this man's handshake. - Right, no, that's that classic first date. You're not going to kill me, right? - Yeah. - No, and then he killed me. - And now I'm dead in the woods. - Right, you're dead in the woods. - He killed me. So loud as fuck. Loudest room I've ever been in when those buses are doing their thing. - And where are they right now? - Right now they're not beeping. We've actually with records recently got pretty lucky. They're not operating so much. I think it was maybe passed over for a second. - Sure, the buses were busin. - Well, I think all the hissetic guys who run the bus depot were maybe busy with other stuff. - Do they ask you of your Jewish? - We need to record. No, they do not ask me if I'm Jewish. - Oh, because they would ask me if I was. - I would love if they would talk to me at all. They don't speak to me. I would love to be in community with them. - Right. - I try to smile at them. I try to be in community. They're not interested in speaking with me. - No, they said just take our buses. - Totally, they're right. - Yeah. - I wish I could take their buses. I put them somewhere else. If I was in charge of all the hissetic buses in the city, you know what I do with them? Move them out of the bike lane. I would move them out of the bike lane because my brothers are putting them in the bike lane. - I had no idea before I arrived here how pro bike you've gotten. - I've always been pro bike, but I'm telling you between the hissetic community and the NYPD, the parking in the bike lanes is at an epidemic rate. - Well. - And the NYPD-- - And they always said there was gonna be another epidemic. - It's so funny. I'll be biking and I'll come up on a row. Hello. I'll come up on a row of hissetic buses and I'll get so mad. - Yeah. - And I'll be like, god damn it. And then I'll be like Caleb, you can't. They're hissetic. - Right. - Which is not true. I can definitely be mad at them for parking in a bike lane. - Right. - And then I come up on one more of the NYPD's park. They might legitimately be doing something. - Sure. - And I'm probably not. - But I allow myself to get mad at them and that feels nice. - No, I think that's important. - It's really nice. - The other night I was on the road in some town that I never want to attend again. And this man who I was speaking to, sort of having a cheeky little back and forth with on the stage, he didn't answer at all. And so that of course kept provoking me. He just kept doing a light smile. But then after his parents, they're hammered and they're like, they're like, you got to meet our son. You want to know what he does for a living? He's a cop. Like thinking I was going to be like, woo! (laughing) - That sounds good. - Take me here in front of you, parents. - He's a professional candy crush player. (laughing) Then he DMs me like multiple times. And I was like, I didn't respond, but I was just thinking, you literally couldn't say one word in person, but you're also a police officer and now you're DMing me on here. Why am I hearing them out like this? But still, it was shocking to get a DM from a cop. - Aramal. - I've been trying to stay away from you guys for a lifetime. - Be careful, he might be running a sting operation, trying to bring you down. - Hmm, I don't know. - I don't know what for, but he might be trying to get you for some kind of financial crime or something if you're doing any of those. - Well. - Do you want to be doing crimes? - The thing is, if I were committing crimes, I know everyone would immediately assume financial because I sort of have that feel of like day trader, you know, like industry. Lock 'em in on that, lock 'em in there. - Yeah, penny stocks. - What a type of a set or what's her name? - Who? - What's that bitch's name? I love that show, it's been too long. Sorry, it was equal last night. - It's okay. - Yeah. - It's pretty late in the day. - Yeah. - Cool, maybe still has some lingering. - Well, Rosebud gave me two and I'm more of a one guy. - You took two's equal? - Yeah. - Okay. - 'Cause that's a crushed dosage. - Yeah. - Yeah, you ever take a's equal? Are you good sleeper? - I'm a pretty good sleeper. - That's an incredible trait. - Yeah. - That's gonna give you a really good life. - Okay. - Yeah. - I love that. - For me, sort of, not my strength. - Sleeping? - Yeah. - Yeah. - From the womb. - Two's equals a lot. - Oh, honey, that was like a tranquilizer. - Yeah. - That is their scheduled dose, but I think they should knock it down one. - Me and my friend Kevin played in a baseball game recently in Texas and then we were driving back to Kansas City together and we stopped in Oklahoma City and our big, like, relaxing night was that we went to dinner, shared a steak, stopped at a gas station, got Advil P.M., both took a double dose and went to fuck to bed. - Oh my God, that's me and Rosebud's, like, that's what we do every time we see each other. - Also, the Advil P.M. was because we had played in like a pretty light-hearted game of baseball. - Right. - Like it wasn't even that serious. - I remember you and really fast one time and my body is straight up still recovering and this was weeks ago. - No, I know what you mean, though. When you play like a fun, you have like a sports romp. - Yeah. - When you get to it, like, certain age and you think that your body wants to, and your heart, you just want to click back into what was, - What was once true. - Once was. And it says no and it's like crazy 'cause you still go for the moves that you had and it's just a different world. - I kind of thought like, we stretched a bunch. - Oh, you did. - I walk multiple hours a day, I bike. - I tried to prep. - Well, I just thought like, I'm good. I'm good, I'm younger than a lot of these guys. I'm like, I move my body a lot, I'm good. Yeah, so running as fast as you can. - Yeah. - Just running as fast as you can for three bases is just a different kind of thing. - No, it's crazy. When are you ever going 100% run? Like as fast as you can and you, I'm a big guy. So it's a lot to ask of the body to run like that. - Yeah. - And I did score. - Okay, bitch, what were we working with? - I scored, it was awesome. - Okay. - But yeah, I'm paying the price. My legs are still feeling a little funny. - Right. - Can't tell you how long ago this was. - That's fine. And so, do you ever pretty good swing on? You know what? - Oh yeah. - Really? - Oh yeah. - You've been perfecting that thing. - Oh yeah, I used to play baseball. - But it's no problem. What position were you? - I played at one point, I played first base and one point, I played third base. They knew not to put me in the outfield. - Yeah, same. I played one year on the Toronto Blue Jays. And I was, I was first base. And. - You were first base for the Toronto Blue Jays? - Yeah, I mean, the T-ball team. But. - Thank you. - Yeah, no problem. And then once in a while, I'll get into short stop. And I think that speaks to my agility and the way that I can move quickly, anticipate. - And be a leader. - Yeah, be a leader. And there's only three girls on the team. And this kid bred every, always used to burp in my fucking face. Yeah, I hit him with a bat. - That's appropriate. - Yeah. - That's really important. - And then, but I had to carpool with him still after the bat. - How, where did you hit him? - Just like on the arm or something. - Did he get really hurt? - This is the last time you're burping in my face, motherfucker. - You said that? - Yeah. - And did he get really hurt from it? - No, what'd he cry? - Of course. - Yeah, that's what you get. - He shouldn't have been burping in your face. - Yeah. And that's what if I see any of you internet commenters out in the wild, let's get it happen. I hope you screw up, motherfucker. - If you say anything about Blair's voice, she's gonna hit you with a bat in the arm. - Actually, it doesn't hurt me and I want you guys all to know that. So just keep that, have at it. I feel nothing. Nothing. (laughs) But if you call Caleb problematic, I will get my bat out so fucking fast. - For problematic? - Yeah. - I want you to have a bat out at all times. - Thank you. - When you have a Louisville slugger with you at all times. - Louisville slugger. - I want that. - Did you hit a home run in your baseball career? - No. - Oh. - I never hit one. - Maybe I hit one. I think there was one game when I was in like fifth grade that I might have hit a home run. I'm forgetting if it, I got home on the run. I'm forgetting if it was in the park or out of the park. - Sure. - 'Cause they might have just fucked up throwing the ball back. But I got home on it. That was kinda cool. - Oh, hell yeah. No, that's cute. - I missed the good old days. - Yeah. - I missed my glory days. - They're not. - I missed high school football. - Right. - I wouldn't give anything to be back under those lights. - God, that's so-- - Those boys don't realize how good they have. - I just love that you play high school football. - God, I miss it so chic. - There's nothing like it. - I would have been in love with you. - There's nothing like the way those lights hit you when you're out there with your boys. - Absolutely. - It's you and your teammates against the world. - When I was rolling up to that of a field, I had like my best glitter eye shadow on on a Friday night. My mom probably told me to take it off. And it was just so exciting. It gave me a couple of bucks for, you know, just like a nice popcorn. - I miss it, yeah, I miss it. - There, look at those asses and those tight ass pants. - Yeah, the NFL, you can still do that. - I know, I like that and that's sort of something when you used to live in LA that I enjoyed with you. - Yeah, you were-- - I became a cheese fan with you, even pre-tailored Swiss. - You did, it was very special. - That was bizarre. - Yeah, huh. - I really liked the community. I really liked the passion that you guys had going around there. - Yeah, it was fun. We made good food. - The food was unlike anything. I was like, oh. - Most of the point. - Well, I was like, football parties in California really pale compared to a Midwest football party. Like, there was a, what is that, like canned cheese cold? That's so good. - Oh, rotel. - Rotel! - There was so much rotel. And I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be. - Rotel with spicy sausage. - Rotel with spicy sausage is my dream. - homemade chicken. in Wings and Ranch. - Food. - It's half the reason. Part of, the biggest part of the reason I watch football on Sundays is to eat the, oh, I'm so hungry. - I'm thinking about hotel. - You did a delicious food. And then another big part of it is to objectify them in. - Yeah. - Look at their arms and their little uniforms. Yeah, they're hot. I want them. - Also, your shrewd sports analysis is pretty impressive. - They should let me be a GM or a coach. - Yeah, Caleb gets so serious. This is my, he's like, everyone get ready and you know, quit running the ball, we got so running the ball. - Well, why they ever, yeah, I get, so the chiefs piss me off so much 'cause they will run, they will do some tricky, stupid bullshit on like third and four. - Yeah. - Whether like doing like a fucking pitch behind the line of scrimmage. What are you doing? - Yeah, no, you need a, you need a, - You're on a goddamn ball. - You need a direct line because they're not, you have such, I was gonna say court awareness, but I have to switch it to field, field awareness. You can see a direct shot that they're not utilizing. - Well, here's the deal. I am like every man who came before me. - Sure. - A, an unathletic midwestern man who thinks that he could coach the Kansas City Chiefs to an Virginia Championship. - Sorry, but I. - And that's a beautiful delusion. - It is a beautiful delusion and I have to say, as an elite athlete, myself, former, former, I won't be so bold, a former, a long time ago, many years ago, say, I've met many a straight man, who believes in their heart, every cell of their body, that they could be in elite level, NFL coach, NBA coach. And I do have to say that you're the only one that I think could actually do it. - I've long said I would bring intrigue to the, if they would give, if they would give me, I'm not kidding, if they, they obviously never would, I would drop everything else in my life to go coach the NFL. Any team, give me the worst team in the league. For one year, and I don't know if we'll win, but we will be talked about. - Right. - Well, I would make it so fun. Oh my God, I'll make it so fun. - No, this would be incredible. This would be like Ted Lasso with Flair, you know. - Ted, no offense to Jason, and the whole team over at Ted Lasso. - Sure, and then the whole team. - Ted Lasso doesn't have a whole to candle to what I would do. - I know that. - He's too cutesy with it. - Right. - I would rule with an iron for this. - Like the Navy. - Worse. - Yeah. - Yeah, no, I just know that team. I can see the whole movie. I can see the whole timeline passing before my, this, remember the Titans, and that's, you know, you start out. - I love Remember the Titans. - It's such a good movie. - Incredible movie. Denzel. - Ah! - We're not grateful enough. - Yeah. - We're not grateful enough for Denzel. - Yeah. - I love Denzel. - I don't care how celebrated he is, it's not enough. - It's not. - John Q. - You watch John Q. - I haven't. One of the last movies I remember, I mean, movie dreams. Dreams that I remember, 'cause I don't remember a lot of dreams 'cause I take a night gummy before I do my TikTok every night. - Yeah. - That's probably not. - Thought you want me off that, I know. - I want you off tick, night gummy, we can keep. I do want you off. - Only five milligram, and I never up. And in my tolerance, never increases, and I get blasted to the moon every night. And that's how I make a lot of, I get a lot of presents for myself on their TikTok shop. Yeah, sure. - You're doing TikTok shop? - Sometimes, yeah. - Okay. - No worries. You seemed to piece with it, so I was going a lot of go. - Well, I oddly purchased endless beauty products, and a lot of the first, they launched there for sometimes, like you can't get them. - They're launching beauty products exclusively to TikTok shop. - Yeah. - I don't know why that feels so dystopian to me. - It is. It all is dystopian, of course. - Yeah, I like hearing it at all. - Or the stuff that I buy off the ads, because they get inside your brain, they really know your algorithm off Instagram ads, I'm like, oh yeah, that is exactly something I would like. - Yeah. - It's sad, it's very sad. - They do sometimes, they do Instagram ads. - They do Instagram ads. I've never ordered, but they do sometimes get me with the Instagram ads. I will see something and be like, you figured me out. - Yeah, well, I'm like, I've never heard of that brand before. I've never seen this before. - Yeah. - So intriguing. - So intriguing. - Yeah. - What's so true to you, Blair? - What's so true to me? What's so true to me? Should I be, is this supposed to, sorry? - Nobody ever has it ready. Don't worry about it. - Well. - I cannot tell you, there is, there is not a single person who has ever come on this show. - I almost went super earnest though. That was my incline. - Is that what you want to do? - I don't know. - Let's try it. - Friendship is true to me. I love friendship. - I do too. - And I like an appropriate level of loudness in a car. That's really true to me. - Say more about that. - I think if you have a loud car, that. - Oh, I thought you meant inside of the car. - No. - You mean of a car. - Yeah. - Loudness of a car. Oh, I'm feel murderous. - I feel so true to me in every waking cell in my body. If you have a loud car, what happened? Why are you doing this? - You're going to hell with me. - You don't have to do this. - You're going to hell. - You can trade in that car. You can take that muffler off. We. - Where they put it on to make the noise. - I know that. - They like it. - I know. - They're going to hell. - No, they are out here like thinking that they're cool guys, you know, really doing something and then to us. It sounds like nine-inch nails in Guantanamo Bay. - Yes. - And we're all. It's ruining our day. My mom. I'm on my walk, talking to my mom on the phone. She can't hear a fucking word I'm saying. - The loud motorbikes that zip through traffic. - Yeah. - I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but. - No. I don't want. - It pisses me off. - I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but I just want you to consider what it would like to consider one other person one time in your life. - For even a moment. - Or one second. You. There's old people out there, you know, they could have a startle. - I'm not even going to pretend this is about old people. For me, it pisses me directly off. - Oh, it upsets me. - I don't even really care about the elderly. In that way, I'm telling you, it's pissing me off, turn the car down. If you're putting stuff on the car to make it louder on purpose, you will go to hell when you die. You will be there for eternity. - They will. - You're a bad person. - Well, it's that thing in psychology where they only know how to get a negative attention. - Right. You know? - Yeah. - They don't know how to get attention in a positive way, so it's just like that's the only way is to get people mad. - Yeah. - Working. - It's like those kids who are ding dong ditching as kids, but they just continued on. - Dude, can I tell you something? - To adulthood. - One time, me and my friends were like camping in his yard. We were like, can we put a tent in the yard? - What? - And his parents were like, sure. - Winsicle. - So we're out there in the tent. I mean, I have a. I feel like it was like four in the morning. The truth is that it was probably like 11 p.m. - Sure. - Just based on being a kid. - Yeah. - And we were like, okay, let's go ding dong ditch this guy's house. We went and dinged on it. We didn't know them. But we went and dinged. We rang the doorbell and ran away. And of course, it's like, hey, there's a group of kids giggling in a tent. One walk away. I wonder who did this. And we rang the doorbell and we go back to the tent. And then like five or 10 minutes later, we just hear an adult voice outside the tent that goes, hey, guys, open up the tent and come out here. So we opened up the tent and we come out and we're like, what's up? Sorry. What's up? We were sleeping. And he's like, you weren't sleeping. I just heard you laughing. You ring my doorbell and ran away. And we were like, no, we were sleeping. We would never. And he's like, guys, he was so like actually kind of cruel. I'll never forget it. He was like, guys, I'm really not mad at you. I know you're trying to have a good time. I have a newborn baby and my wife and I are like trying to get a little bit of sleep. Please don't do that again. That really sucks. And we were like, oh my god, yeah, we didn't do it, but if we see whoever did it, we'll tell them. - Those corporates. We will relay the message. No, you don't understand. You're not in trouble. I'm just telling you. Don't do it again. It really sucks. And we're like, yeah, well, if we were thinking about doing it, we won't know for sure. It was so, I think about this guy like twice a week. - The lies that you tell as a kid that you just commit to, even though there's holes everywhere. - Yeah. - Like, the same thing, we had this, like, there was an empty lot next to us for so long and then a house got built. And it was like, I don't know, whatever, it was crazy and we were assholes and one time, from our driveway on the specific side, eggs their house, look, we're really young. And then they were like, did your kids do this? Because it's the only could have come from your driveway and no other angle of like a regular person out in the world. - Right. - And you're like, no, that's crazy. - Why the fuck would we do that for you? - Why would you even say that? Who would be dumb enough to egg the next door neighbor from their driveway? Crazy. - I mean, the funniest thing about it, I think why I think about it so often, was him just like being very reasonable and nice about it and us still refusing to level with him. - Yeah. - And just being like, no, dude, yeah, we didn't do that, but whoever did it, we're fucked. - And you're tripping. - They're fucked. - Yeah. - And him just like being like, guys, come on, just being so over it and now as an adult, I'm like, oh, I don't even know if I would have the patience to be as cool as he was about it. I mean, you guys suck. The spring of the water hose or something, your kids are so fucking annoying. Stop it. I have a newborn baby. And that newborn baby is probably like 50 years old now or something. - God. - Just based on how time goes. - Time is crazy. - I can't talk about it. - You want to play a game? - Yeah. I love games. - Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements, but you're going to tell me as quick as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. - Well. - Okay. You ready? - Time is speed. Sydney is the capital of Australia. - True. - False, Kimbera. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. - False. - True. - Fuck. - The atomic number for hydrogen is one. - True. - True. The only question is the largest ocean on earth. - False. - False. - False. It's the Pacific. Costco is the N1 Capestranos largest employer. - True. - False. It's the Unified School District. J. Robert Oppenheimer invented the theory of relativity. - False. - False. The liver is the largest. - I bet it's wife actually. - Right, so. The liver is the largest interval in the human body. - Falls. - True. Joan Rivers lived to be 90 years old. - True. - False, 81. - Ah! - I do that. - AMC A-Listers can see four free movies a week at any AMC location. - It's three, it's three, false. - True, UCLA's motto is let there be light. - False. - True. (laughs) The Colosseum is-- - That's not their goddamn motto. - It is, I think, I don't know a chance, right? So the Colosseum is located in Athens. - False. - False, it's Rome. Elephants can't jump. - False. - True. - Raymond ran for 13 seasons. - That's not what those TikTok videos are those little babies do. - Everybody loves Raymond ran for 13 seasons. - False. - False was nine. Nike is the Greek goddess of victory. - False. - True. - F*ck, I wanted to say true. - Paulie Ball was invented in Massachusetts. - False. - True, how'd she do? (laughs) - Michelle, why are you laughing? - Yeah, Michelle, that was f*cked up 'cause I wasn't gonna laugh until Michelle did, by the way. - I felt serious about that. - And you know what I learned a lot is that I went against my intuition a lot on my first instinct. - You doubted yourself? - Yeah, I doubted myself, and I learned a lot, and I'll come out stronger. And I hope my parents know that those multiple advanced degrees I have are paying off. - Yeah, where are you thinking so much for being on? - Caleb, it was my goddamn on there. Thank you for fitting me in outside of Marital's house. And I just had the time of my life. I can't wait, look, the karaoke text coming in advance next time. - Thank you. - Do you want to tell people where they can find you, how they can support? - Oh please, I would love to. I have a brand new podcast out that I'm really psyched about called Spaced Out. - Have it been asked to be on it, by the way. Keep going. - I'd love to have you on literally any f*cking time you're available. Spaced Out with Blair Socky, I think you'll love it. A lot of fun. And I'm on tour ongoing the rest of the year. I post everything at Blair Socky, B-L-A-I-R, S-O-C-C-I, BlairSocky.com. - I love you. Thanks for doing it. - Thank you.