Bitesize Episode 17 - A Modern British Commentary on Little Red Riding Hood

Hello and welcome to the British English podcast. My name is Charlie Baxter and you are listening to the show that helps anyone and everyone improve their British English and better understand British culture. Today we are going to be doing another modern British person's commentary of a fairy tale and today's fairy tale is Little Red Riding Hood. The reason that I'm doing these short stories is because I find them fun to do and it often creates a natural way for me to expose you to advance vocabulary that natives use because when I'm commenting on the story it comes up and then of course you know it's quite nice to remind ourselves of the story of some fairy tales that we were red when we were children. And yeah, as the title says, it's my take, a British person's take on the story. So if it sounds a little bit far-fetched, if it sounds a little bit different to what a British person in this modern time would kind of think, I'm going to address that. So yeah, welcome to this bite-size episode. If you do want to get the transcripts then they are over on the website and you can get the premium podcast or join the academy where we've got exclusive videos breaking down the language of the season-based episodes. We've got pronunciation practice drills, quizzes, assignments, a complete online interactive experience for the learner. And we also do weekly speaking classes. But yeah, so we've got the premium podcast to listen to this with the transcripts and the glossaries. And then we've got the academy where you can dive even deeper with a ton of content. We've now completed two seasons. But if you're not interested for now, then make sure you get the free worksheet that goes over some of the best vocabulary in this episode, which is all over on the BritishEnglishPodcast.com. Okay. So let's get into a modern British person's commentary of Little Red Riding Hood. Once upon a time, they lived a little country girl, the prettiest creature who has ever seen. Wow. Okay. So straight off the bat, the author has declared themselves as a pido. And yeah, we can't really go labelling people like that these days. Can we? A country girl might as well call her an inbred. That's kind of, you know, suggesting that. I know it might not mean that, but yeah. And the gender, come on. What we're doing, we're in a world of gender neutrality. We can't go calling her a girl. No, no, no. She's a gender neutral human who lives in a rural geographical location. Yes, that's better. Much more poetic, isn't it? No, I'm exaggerating. But the UK has gotten pretty liberal about gender. I know that the London Underground has actually changed its greeting from ladies and gentlemen, please mind the gap to just hello everybody. Please mind the gap. Well, there we go. So according to the author, a 10 out of 10 little girl lives in the middle of fucking nowhere brilliant great start. All right, her mother had a little red riding hood made for her. Everybody called her little red riding hood. Sounds like the neighbours are rather thick in the head. Don't you think? You know, say what you see. I mean, my girlfriend often wears an oversized cropped gray crewneck jumper when she goes to yoga. So if she was in a fairy tale and she lived near these people, would that be her nickname? Would she be, would it, would the story be oversized cropped gray crewneck yoga jumper? That would be the title, wouldn't it? But in their defence, it's quite catchy. Little red riding hood. It's nice to say little red riding hood. Anyway, one day her mother said to her, "Go, my dear, and see how your grandmother is doing. For I hear she has been very ill. I'm thinking the mum could probably go as well considering the grandmother is actually her mum or considering nowadays we've all installed portal into our grandparents living rooms. She could just call her up on that country. But it wouldn't make for a good story, would it? No, no, no. Okay, little red riding hood set out immediately. Okay, I mean, there's poetic licensing and then there's ridiculousness. This girl is the most unusually obedient kid I've ever heard of. Most kids nowadays either need to be bribed to do anything or they'll go, but they'll go kicking and screaming, weren't they? As she was going through the wood, she met with a wolf. He asked her where she was going. "I am going to see my grandmother." "Does she live far off?" said the wolf. "I've got a few things to say here. Firstly, she's happy to talk to a stranger. The mum clearly hasn't made little red riding hood street wise. I mean, I know it's irrational, but I remember my parents when they let me out on my own into the big wide world." They said, "When you play out on the street, you've got a high probability of being kidnapped by a pedophile in a white van. I don't know why I'm laughing, but I guess looking back the street that I was raised on. It was the most heavenly little cul-de-sac you could possibly imagine in Surrey, a county outside of London, but they still managed to scare the shit out of me to think that that was going to happen. So much so that I remember we even had rape alarms. We carried them in our bomb bags. God, thankfully, bomb bags are cool again so I can carry my rape alarm around once more. I can't believe that, actually, think about it. I mean, when I'm a parent, will I do that? Only time will tell. But I will certainly, I will certainly be telling any of my children if a wolf comes up to you. Friend or foe, don't go telling them where your grandmother lives because we all know the story of Little Red Riding Hood, don't we? Maybe Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother had to sacrifice herself for the greater good, for everyone else to learn the lesson. Maybe that's why I had a rape alarm in my bomb bag. Sorry to spoil the story if you haven't heard this story before, but thank you to the grandmother for sacrificing herself. Anyway, so she responds totally oblivious to the fact that it's a wolf. When is a wolf ever a friend in a story? You've got to wait hundreds of thousands of years before it's a dog, then it's man's best friend. Okay, so she responds. Oh, it is beyond that mill, you see there. So rule number two, never give out your home address or your nands, especially to a wolf. And I suppose a mill is going to be outdated now, so what would a mill be nowadays? A, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a brewery, a brewery, a micro brewery. Yeah, let's go with that. It is beyond that micro brewery, you see there. It was not long before the wolf arrived at the old woman's house. He knocked at the door. Who's there? Oh God, I've got to, I've got to do a wolf being a little girl. I'm just going to interrupt this episode by telling you about an e-book and audiobook that Harry and I have done for anyone preparing for the IELTS exam. But this isn't just any old e-book, slash audiobook. It is a highly intelligent and incredibly thorough one. You see, we noticed how many of our exam preparation students were stressing themselves out over studying long lists of idioms and phrasal verbs before exam day came. And then they didn't even get a chance to use 10% of what they had learnt in the exam. And after studying the marking criteria and really thinking about how often our students should be using idiomatic language in the exam, we took a step back and thought if the examiner is only really wanting to hear a handful of idioms in the learners answers as any more would in fact be unnatural or overkill, meaning too much. If we curated a very short list of idioms that could be used to answer pretty much any IELTS question. Well, that way the student is able to go into the exam with these select idioms ready to use in whatever question that comes up. And you know what, it's really working. I won't go on about it anymore now but if you did want to get your hands on these These ten idioms that Harry and I have curated, specifically for anyone preparing for an English exam like the IELTS test, arm yourself with these ten phrases that can be used in so many ways really easily, and be given an incredibly thorough teaching process for each one to ensure you not only remember the phrase, but you know exactly how to use them like a native word, then hey, today is your lucky day because we are giving it away for free. And all you need to do is find it in the show notes of this episode, head over to the BritishEnglishPodcast.com and find it in the homepage, or just like the free worksheet for this episode, go to the BritishEnglishPodcast.com/freebies. That is F-R-E-E-B-I-E-S. Okay, enough about the e-book and audiobook, but I hope you like it, and let's get back to this week's episode. Who's there? Oh God, I've got to do a wolf being a little girl. Your grandchild, little red riding hood replied the wolf, faking her voice. And if it was Stacy, would it be your grandchild, oversized, cropped, crunic, yoga jumper girl, replied the wolf, faking her voice. The good grandmother called out, "Pull the string dear, and the latch will go up." Hold up, hold up. If this grandmother is so bedridden that she's gone out of her way to invent a door opening device, then we can only point a finger at her daughter or any other family members for neglecting her far too long. She needs some loving attention and for a Brit, that would be getting her a full time or maybe part-time carer and a weekly membership to HelloFresh. The wolf pulled the string and the door opened, and then he immediately fell upon the good woman and ate her up in a moment. Well, at least he didn't play around with his food now, did he? And because of that, she did leave the world rather swiftly, but she was eaten alive. But then again, sounds like she was on her way out already, and it was most likely going to be a long drawn out affair, what with the pulley system she's rigged up and all that. Plus, the wolf had a meal, you know, a wolf got to eat, right? He then shut the door and got into the grandmother's bed, expecting little red riding-hood, who came sometime afterwards and knocked at the door. Oh God, I've got to a wolf, pretending to be a grandmother. Who's there? Who's there? It is your grandchild, little red riding-hood. The wolf cried out, "Pull the string and the latch will go up." The red riding-hood pulled the string and the door opened. "Grandmother, what big arms you have?" "Woof, I do not remember that line in the version I was read as a kid. Arms, what big arms you have? Wolves have skinny legs, don't they?" "All the better to hug you with my dear." "Grandmother, what big ears you have?" "Okay, she's starting to be a bit too direct now, and she hasn't even asked how her grandmother is yet, because you know, she's ill. But yeah, let's see how we would make that more indirect and more British. Maybe, uh, grandmother, there's something slightly different about you. Did you get a haircut or a new top or a new pair of earrings? Either way, little red riding-hood should be accepting of her grandmother's new looks and empathetic towards her illness, or acknowledge that there is blood all over the place and very clearly a wolf in your grandmother's bed. And if you're going down that route, hope for the best and make a dash for the front door immediately. Anyway, the wolf/grandmother replies to the, uh, the big ears compliment or comment. "All the better to hear you with my child." "Grandmother, what big eye is you have?" "Again, I don't think wolves have massive eyeballs. E is sure, but their eyes are pretty standard." "All the better to see you with my child." "Grandmother, what big teeth you have got?" "I'll allow that one." "That's an obvious observation." "But again, very direct." "And one might say, um, hmm." "Ah, did you get in visor line or something?" "Because your teeth look great." "All right, so she says, "Grandmother, what big teeth you have got?" "All the better to eat you up with." Fortunately, a hunter was passing nearby the hut. He heard the wolf and recognised him right away. He ran over to the window, he took a good aim, and that was the end of the wolf, which did save the girl. But the hunter has now caused the grandmother to die in vain, because, you know, the wolf didn't get to enjoy the nutritional benefits of eating an old lady whole. Ugh, just thinking about the poos you'd have after that. Eating at a human whole, especially if she had dentures. Anyway, sorry to go down that route, but there we go. So that was the end of the story, um, and that was the end of my commentary being a modern British person. Hope you enjoyed that bite-size episode on the British English podcast, remember to get the free worksheet, to get a few of the best expressions explained. That is the end of Little Red Riding Hood. Thank you very much. I've been Charlie Baxter. You've been a great student, as always. Remember to get active with your learning. And, uh, yeah. I'll see you next week on the British English podcast. [Music]