Bite Me

This episode is brought to you by chat GPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about chat GPT work? It's the new way to use chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give chat GPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans. Hank joined BJ's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30. I coach football. Now coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices, 30 pounds of pasta, three cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. And that's just pregame. He knows teamwork and BJ's knows savings. This is your home coach, home of the save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer, new members only. Hello, listeners. Be advised that this show is an immersive audio experience. It may seem like sounds are coming from the sides or behind you. Listener discretion is advised as some content is not suitable for young children. Q code presents how to win friends and disappear people starring Leslie Grace and Sony bring us created by Sophia Lopez. The trouble with humanity, at least to me, is its earnest belief that we've broken out of the predator-prey cycle. What a joke. We're as imprisoned by it as ever. It's ingrained in us. And why shouldn't it be? It's a dog-eat-dog world. Men are dogs. Women are dogs, too. Feminism. But there is one sole aspect of this phenomenon I've learned to take pleasure in. Every now and then, in this terrifying dog-eat-dog world of ours, a dog encounters a wolf. Uh, got a vodka straight and a skinny margarita? Let's get hella lit up in this cruise ship. If you've had a good time on the open seas, make some bed. I think I might have had one too many. No, no, no. My man. Yeah, man? Another round. No, no more. Okay, come on. What are you, a quitter? Come on. Looks like someone can't handle her liquor. Hey, should we head back to mine? No, I. Sorry. Uh, uh, uh. Wait. Let's go out there. No, it's freezing out there. Maritime air or whatever. The, uh, marine layer. Come on. We're nearly to the city. I want to see the Statue of Liberty. *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* Hey! What are you doing? No, come on, baby. Come on. Seriously. Stop! Shhhhhh! *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* *door slams* Oh, you idiot. Want me to suck you off? What? *door slams* What the f-? Ow! "Prepare to disembark. Arriving to Manhattan in 10 minutes." "Episode 1: Bite Me." Excuse me. Sorry, I'm parted. Hey, excuse me, I gotta get to the store. This is my stop. Sir, can I just slip past, please? Crap. Arriving to Manhattan in 10 minutes." Takahashi Technology Group? Hi, Paulina, it's Nancy. Nancy Melendez? Oh, right, sure. I just wanted to say that I'm running-- Is that--? No, I'm not talking to anyone. Just. Nancy. Nancy, um. Melendez. Ha, yeah, that's me. That's the one. Oh my god, stop. You're so bad and so mean. So, Nancy, what's up? We've worked together for three years. It's-- it's Melendez. What's that, babe? Nothing, nothing. I just, um, running, uh, say, 10 minutes late. 15 tops. I-- I missed my stop on the-- Oh, wait, did you get Masha at my house? Sorry, gotta run. Subway. Hey, hold the elevator. Sid! Hey, Sid, hold the door. Dang it. Takahashi Technology Group? Yeah, uh-huh? I ran the numbers, and the risk is significantly amplified when aeronautics can-- Please, hold. Yeah, uh-huh? No, dude, absolutely. I got you. I'll up the firewall and secure your metadata. Hey, no, man, anytime. Let's hit the link soon, yeah? Okay, boss. Drinks on me. Nancy, was that you earlier in the elevator? We made eye contact, Sid. Oh, man. I thought it might have been you. I tried to hold the door, but those things just never work right. Elevators. Elevators never work right? Sorry, I have asthma. Could you not. Hey, there's CBD in this vape. I need it to stay calm, focused, alpha. Takahashi's announcing the promotion today. Pretty sure the entire city knows at this point. It's all he's been able to talk about for months. Must be feeling pretty good about your chances, huh? M.I.T. and all. Well, I wouldn't be if it were some kind of popularity contest, but, um, it's data. Numbers. Facts. So, yes, I feel pretty good. But you can never assume. I suppose we'll find out around ten. Perhaps ten or two, factoring in the necessary time to gather everyone, and I think there's only room for about twenty people. Hey, Nance, hold onto my vapes for me. Uh, okay. There he is. Sid the Kid. Pound it up here, brother. You catch the game last night? It was insanity. How about those Mets, eh? Yeah, right. Uh, do you think they'll, uh, make it to the. Super Bowl? The Mets are baseball? Ted, thought you'd want to know. I'm a week off the vape. Vegan, too. Buddy, you're making me proud. You're just such an exemplary boss and role model. I knew I had to give up the vape, like you said. I, too, think you're an exemplary boss, Mr. Pound. Mr. Takahashi, respectfully. And, uh, I also catch up with a lot of pop culture. Uh, sports sort of things, too. Like, um, anyone catch that Ted Bundy doc? Pretty cool, right? I don't watch that stuff. It was awful. Yeah, totally awful. Especially that necrophilia stuff. Totally awful. You have to be careful of what you give energy to. Clarissa Mayfield wrote an article about it on her website. Clarissa Mayfield? Is that the woman who made the armpit candles? They were actually called orifice candles, Nancy. That's why they smelled like orifices? Oh, I, uh. I loved the orifice candles. Yeah, totally. I definitely want to breathe in the smell of Clarissa Mayfield's orifices. Whoa. Hey, Ted, did you read the article on her favorite organic, gluten-free, grain-free, cruelty-free, soy-free, vegan, biodynamic, non-GMO cookies? Ha! Did I read it? I printed it out and studied it line by line. Anyway, Nancy, how's that network plug-in coming? I spent the last two weeks working overtime, building a wall blocking out potential viruses. I want that wall doubled in size by the end of the day. But you haven't even looked at it. I haven't tended to. Thanks, hon. And, uh, just because I care about you, take a page out of Sid's book. Lay off those vapes. What vapes? The ones you're holding. Oh! No! These aren't mine. I was just holding them. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. No, I don't. See you two at the meeting. I have a problem. 10 a.m. You won't want to miss it. I'll be there. Thanks, by the way, in advance for your consideration. As you all know by now, promoting rising stars in the company is kind of my thing. An old boss always told me, we have two hands. Why? Because one is to help ourselves, the other, that's to lift someone else up. That's so profound, man. Thank you, Sid. It gives me such pleasure to uplift someone truly special. She. She. Sheer charisma exudes from this guy. We love him. He's a total boss. Sid, get on up here. Everyone say hello to our new head analyst on the risk assessment task force. Wow, wow, wow. This is a huge shock. I'm not exactly. Thank you so much. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and spreadsheets. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting Work Mode, available on Plus and Pro plans. I coach football. This is your home, Coach. Home of the save. Join for just $20 at BJs.com. Slash Mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. BJ's, home of the save. Uh, Mr. Takahashi, sir? Uh, how many times do I have to tell you, Nancy? Call me Ted. Mr., uh, Mr. Ted, uh, I strive to maintain a, a high level of professionalism when I ask, when I, when I, I just need to know why, why did you give the promotion to such a D bag? Sir, forgive me for being so forward, but it, but it isn't fair. Okay. I did everything you asked. I clocked in early. I worked late. Sid strolls in at 10 and leaves at five on the dot. Nancy, get ahold of yourself. You have a better skillset and arguably finer education, if you really want to. want to get into semantics. You're a stellar team member, but Sid has the tools to lead. You mean he's a man? I mean he's a winner. He just so happens to be a man. Nancy, if you want to win, you're gonna have to evolve. Adapt. A big part of moving up the ladder is being likable. There's no delicate way to put this. Do you have any friends in the office? Any allies? Even one? Hey, hey, hey, okay, that's fine. Not everyone is meant to be likable. Like Steve Jobs said, square pegs in round holes. Chin up, sweetheart. Every setback is a setup for a comeback. Just take the rest of the day off. Go on now. Go. I didn't actually, um, I didn't get it. I didn't get the promotion. Look, the truth is, no matter how hard I work, people don't notice me. And that's fine. I have to go. I'm just getting, I'm just getting home. Yeah, yeah, I still live on top of that bar. I've got to start looking for a new place. Okay, bye. Bye. Hold the elevator. Oh, did you just move in? The moving box, I figured. I know pretty much every resident here. Names and faces, of course. I don't know them personally. Still, I can't believe I didn't realize someone new was moving in. I'm so sorry. It's just, I have asthma. Could you maybe not smoke? Honestly, though, it's all good. Totally fine. I'm fine. All good, really. Nancy, by the way. Do you always do that? Do I always? Assume your needs don't matter. I never, I never thought about it like that. Love your jacket. Vintage Chanel. Fall, 1983. Karl Lagerfeld. First collection. Ah! Hey, we've met. We've met in the elevator a few times. Kate, right? What's your Insta? Follow for follow. Who does your hair? It's fabulous. I'm telling you, man. Funnel it all into Dogecoin. One second. Excuse me, miss. You need help with that box? Chad, by the way. I'm fine. Thank you. Hey, Chad. I could actually use some help. My backpack's super heavy, and I'm just getting over a gnarly bout of sciatica. I really should go get it checked out, but there's. No, thanks. Call me? Meet us at the Cuspid for a drink sometime, yeah? Well, aren't you popular? I'd prefer not to be, Nancy. You know my name? You introduced yourself. I've introduced myself to the same co-worker over 25 times, and she still calls me Nina. You're on this floor, too? So, when did you move in? How do you like it? Look, this isn't going to be one of those get-to-know-you sort of situations. No pleasantries in the hallway, no small talk in the elevator. The truth is, given my schedule, we'll hardly ever run into each other. See? I've lived here nearly two weeks, and this is the first time we've met. You've been here two weeks? If you haven't already surmised, I am a rather private person. Oh, definitely. For sure, privacy is cool. Would you look at that? We are right across the hall from each other. Good luck with, uh, sciatica. Wow, that's really thoughtful. See you around, neighbor. Or not. Hey, if you change your mind. Okay, then. Hi, Jeeves. Wanna watch some Homicide Hour? The suspect fled the scene, covered in the victim's blood. After four days on the run, she. Hey, that's pretty neat. The suspect being a woman. It's unique. You know, barely 16% of serial killers are female. We always talk about representation for women, but. Suddenly you bring knives and murder into the conversation, and. Oh, no. People clamp right up. I know, Jeeves. It's ridiculous. Up next, Melinda invited a guest for dinner. By dessert, she realized she didn't even know his name. But it was too late. That girl. She was already dead. crossed the hall. I don't know her name. I gave her all that information about me. About my sciatica. And for her part? Nothing. Not a first name, last name, nickname. Nothing. Nothing. I find it rude, her whole "you'll never see me again" thing. Give me one reason she and I can't be friends. I mean, what's the harm in exchanging a pleasantry now and then? Building up a neighborly rapport through mutual complaints about the building management? God, now I remember why I put this off for so long. Bill, bill, another bill. Egg donation inquiry. Flattering, but no thanks. Wedding invitation. No plus one, because, well, they know me. Or perhaps they want to discourage my attendance. Potato, potato. L. St. James. L. St. James. L. St. James. So you do have a name. Huh. Hey, neighbor. L. It's L, right? It's me. Um, Nancy, if you remember from across the hall? Hi, it's, uh, it's Nancy from. Your neighbor? Look, I have some of your packages, and you really should collect them because people steal mail in this building. Not me. I wouldn't be returning them if I had stolen them. How the heck did she get a freaking piano in here without me noticing? Did not peg her as someone who'd mastered Rachmaninoff. Look, L, I urge you to start collecting your mail. People steal mail in this building. I guess I'll just leave it here. Or maybe I'll hang on to it. Hey, Paulina? Yeah, Nina? No, that's, that's not it. It's Nancy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look, if I wanted to, um, find information on someone, say I had pulled out the routine stops, Google, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Facebook, even deep web stuff, and I found nothing, I mean, not even a speck, nothing to suggest this person existed. But I know they exist because I've seen them. I know where they live. God, you sound like a stalker. I know, right? Uh, seriously, though, who, who is this, and why do you care? Is it a guy? No, no, it's, um, just a neighbor. Well, do you have a name? Yes, from her electricity bill. You stole her mail? What? No, of course not. And you already looked on social media? Not a trace. Well, is this person, like, elderly or something? No. Okay, so what's her deal? I don't know. She's. about 20 years old. 25, probably? Pretty. The kind of pretty where the barista gives you a free drink and draws a smiley face on the lid. I wouldn't know what that's like. To be that pretty and not flaunted on social media? Huh. She must have something to hide. I bet she does. El St. James. El St. James, New York City. Convicted murderers named El? No, not El Chapo. El St. James. Hot girl commits murder? Arson? Manslaughter? DUI? Nothing? Who are you? Sid? I'm still waiting on that report. Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just not used to reporting to you. Here, 30 pages running risk assessment on biking accidents. Vikings. You know, like the kitchen appliance company. You said biking. You must have misheard. It was in an email. Ugh, Jesus Christ. In any event, I'll need 30 pages on biking accidents by 6 a.m. tomorrow. You could trash the report on bikes. Sid, just because you're now my boss doesn't mean you can treat me like this. It was a toss-up for that promotion, and you know it. Oh, I beg to differ. Oh, and also, I need my vacation. I need to get my tapes back. They're in my other bag at home. Jesus, Nancy. I'm practically going into withdrawals. You could pick them up later? Goddammit, I'm in pain here. I'd be so blasé. Text me your address, I'll be over by 8. You still live on top of that bar? Don't remind me. Pounding music. The overindulgence. The drunks. The crowd that places me. The tracks. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yo, and then I said, uh, if we don't end the weekend with a dead hooker on our hands, I'm calling it a loss. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hmm. I've been looking for a man like you. So succulent. Uh, why haven't I seen you around? I just arrived from La Romana. I lived in the. countryside. Did a lot of. hunting. So, how do you like NYC? Hmm. I'm just now awakening to this. way of life. I find it lonely. I've accepted loneliness as a part of my life. But here. surrounded by all these people. the isolation is much. more. stark. I prefer a quiet life. Undetected. And. that's borderline impossible here, it would seem. Hmph. No doubt. So. my place or yours? How about the alley out back? Ho, ho, ho, ho. What's your diet like? You look like you get a lot of protein. Heh, yeah, no doubt. I do mad keto. Mad keto? No keto? What do you like, live under a rock? Heh, heh, heh, heh. Or in a coffin. Mmm. Your neck. So supple. I can see the blood pumping. beneath the stubble. Pumping over time to keep warm. Heh. Yeah, I. I guess. We're alone, yes? Heh, heh, heh. Well, except for them. Them? You know, the cameras. Hey, hey, it doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you. What cameras? Well, you see all those tiny little dots there in the. in the shadows? Sleek, right? Yeah, there's a lot of disruption in the security industry lately. I read about it in the New Yorker. Tons of cool little cameras coming out. I heard developers are putting them in alleys between buildings, up property values or whatever. Less muggings. Someone is watching us? Right now? Hey, hey, hey! We can still. you know. Wait, hey, hey! Where you going? Is Snapchat me or. or something? Bill learned the deadly lesson that often the most monstrous people masquerade as the weakest. Coming up next at 11:00, we talk more murder, more guns, more brutality, more violence. Yo, it's Sid. You know what to do. I'll hit you back. Seriously? Now you're the boss you think you can just send me to voicemail? I'm the one doing you a favor, buddy. I could lead the team better and everyone frickin' knows it. Um, hey, Sid. Uh, Nancy. From work, obviously. Uh, I just am wondering where you might be? Uh, I thought you said 8 and it's almost 11, so. Ugh. Hello? Hello? Hello? Jeez. Oh, goodness. Oh, goodness. Oh, goodness. Welcome to your home security portal. Accessing cameras. Please hold. Accessing cameras. Please hold. Camera accessed. Sid? We've heard of. I need my fuckin' vapes, don't you? Understand, sociopath Nancy? Sociopath Nancy? Yeah! You've got those dead eyes, you know, like that Annabelle doll or or like like Ted Bundy in drag. like Ted Bundy in drag. Well, now just on principle, I'm not answering. New motion detected in hallway. Refocus in cameras. Oh? What are you doing? Ew. If you make out with Sid, I might actually vomit. Looks like no one's home. Hey. Friend of Nancy? Gross. No, no. I'm offended. You smell great. Hey. Does this building have cameras? Here? In the hallway? No. Well, the bar down there Stairs does. uh that that part's new rest of the buildings like old you know like from the 20s i think no cameras in the 20s don't i know god i'm starving oh yeah absolutely famished maybe you could help me with that you uh you want to grab dinner well i don't want to keep you if someone's expecting you no no i have some time to kill likewise come closer i want a taste oh gross might i say you look good enough to eat oh my god no no no no no no no that that didn't she she didn't no i um i she oh god hmm hmm oh god might i say you look good enough to eat huh ah oh jesus jeez i murderer she's a murderer my neighbor's a freaking murderer do i call the cops no no no stupid no they'll take one look at her those perky breasts the full lips the silky hair the soft girlish giggle and then they'll see me the shifty eyed mousy nerd i'll be the wanded handcuffs i can see the headline now women kills after being passed over for promotion or they'll start a weeks or or months long investigation leaving me unprotected across the hall from her god i don't want to start a new life in south america jeeves wouldn't take well to the equatorial climate and and i can't live somewhere sunny i hate the sun god no sid did have it coming okay okay tomorrow tomorrow i approached paulina and i humbly asked her girl to girl if maybe she could make a police report implicating l that way i don't arouse suspicion i could just stay in my apartment i don't end up doing a perp walk i don't get killed paulina oh wow you look horrible like especially so oh my god it's kind of a kind of bumming me out to even look at you right now i haven't slept i need to i i saw i i saw something i i need to report well i i can't i i haven't reported because i'm i'm scared see but you you you can't you could is there any way jeeves and i could stay with you he's very handsome he's a cat um i'd ask my mom but she's in jersey and she's allergic to cats and oh god i left him well what if she comes back and takes jeeves what if she knows what i saw she wouldn't hurt jeeves would she i mean even a monster wouldn't stoop so low right well well pump the brakes for a sec i am just really not tracking any of this right now babe i haven't even had my matcha yet i need you to put in a report okay what kind of report like to hr no no no no we need to go downtown this is this is serious we need to go nancy sorry i'm just i um i'm jumpy because i saw horrible things uh look hate to put this on you we have a situation sid hasn't shown up for work today and we have major deadlines this afternoon i need you to fill in as head analyst head analyst me are are you are you sure you'll only have to lead the team until sid makes the day sure thing i will lead the team at least for the time being until sid's back so you really i'm really getting this promotion for the time being i mean this episode is brought to you by chat gpt hey it's bill simmons from the bill simmons podcast have you guys heard about chat gpt work it's the new way to use chat gpt for bigger multi-step projects and when you need more than just answers give chat gpt work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets slides and structured reports get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30. i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just protein bars and that's just protein bars and that's just pre-game he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just twenty dollars at bjs.com mesquite and save ten cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save hey it's ryan reynolds here from mint mobile now i was looking for fun ways to tell you that mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for fifteen dollars a month is back so i thought it would be fun if we made 15 dollar bills but it turns out that's very illegal uh so there goes my big idea for the commercial give it a try at mintmobile.com switch upfront payment of forty five dollars for three months ninety dollars for six months or one hundred and eighty dollars for twelve month plan required fifteen dollars per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy see terms oh mom when i was up there leading the team it was just it was perfect and i had this moment it was almost like slow motion and i realized whatever it took to get there maybe it was okay maybe it was worth it uh yeah the other guy sid he he just didn't show up for work weird but while he's away i swear to god mom i'm going to prove myself i will not let anyone ruin this for me oh god mom there's police cars outside my building no i'm not nervous why do i sound nervous uh gotta go excuse me do you know what's going on i bet it was a murder oh awful why why do you say that you think they sent this many cops for jaywalking now whoever they get is going away for a long long time honey oh god the back entrance is only for employees i live in the building fine i slide in i get juice i grab my bags and i go like a ghost i was never there i wasn't there yesterday either i was staying with my mom in summit that's right i commuted into the city on the 545 train went home after work my mom made dinner tacos i was in bed by eight boring old nancy mousy plain nancy nothing to see here right right now i agree i feel you coming thumbs up but let's just wait until the facts come in and see what's what okay okay let's see what she says oh officers i live right here if i could just get past sorry excuse me are you nancy uh yeah ah my partner and i are here on a lead in a missing person's case oh the crowd outside was wrong what did they say um jaywalking that's rich this missing person a gentleman by the name of uh sydney ferrero sid sydney ferrero from takahashi technology group what he's a missing person oh my god i figured he was just playing hokey from work today oh wow that's just awful hmm well last anyone heard he was headed up to your apartment yeah that's right it must have been about 11 p.m last night no slightly after 11 because i was a few minutes into the 11 p.m homicide hour Yeah, no, it must have been about 11:04. I heard this awful pounding at the door. Sid, he scared me. He knows I live here. I guess he was just partying downstairs at the bar. Awful place, by the way. I've been meaning to file a noise complaint against them. But Sid, he was practically beating down my door. When I didn't answer, I guess he just gave up and left. Well, I sure hope you're able to track him down soon. Nah, doubtful. None of the other neighbors heard a thing. The walls here, they're thick. Can we, uh, review your eye footage? Uh, what? Your eye. This thing, doorbell with a camera in it. Oh, that. Gosh, I wish I had set it up. I figured that just having it mounted next to my door would be enough to scare off any intruders or mail thieves. So it's not hooked up? I'm afraid not. You know, it's really terrible we don't have security cameras in the hallways. Shame on the cuspid. If I had a dollar for every time someone stole a parcel of my mail. Actually, since you're here, maybe I can file a few complaints with you both right now. Gosh, noise complaints, public intoxication complaints, mail theft, public indecency. Actually, we have to keep a move on. Don't want to miss the lead. Thanks for your help, Ms. Mendez, was it? No. We'll be right back. Jeves? Jeves, where are you? Jeves? What are you doing under there? What? What's wrong? Hello? Hello? Not a sound. Please don't hurt me. You're a bit of a weird one, aren't you? You're a bit of a creep. You're not a weird one, are you? You're not a weird one, aren't you? wave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just twenty dollars at bjs.com slash mesquite and save ten cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save