Best of The Yard (2025)

Nears means new changes, so this is going to be our last year with Ada McKegg as a host of the art. We wanted to kick things off by remembering the old times, right guys? Yeah. A lot of good times, a lot of stinkers as well. In fact, this is a merit-based podcast, and mostly stinkers, to be honest. By the numbers, one of us failed the most. You'll see, actually, this is a best of from the past year, and someone might be absent from a lot of it. Like a lot of it. It's even absent, like, he is right now. It kind of feels like that's the case all year. Anyway, guys, this is our best of. This is the episode for the week. We're taking the week off. We'll see you next year, and we appreciate that you guys support us so we can be able to just have conversations that would otherwise go unrecorded. It's my dream, and I live it. So thank you. Kiss your loved ones. My dream is world peace on the mouth. Mine's not world peace. Let's get to the best of. Kiss your brother. I went to a funeral this past weekend. Wait, can I show you my now-read impression? Sure. We've met one time, but I get your shorts on my timeline a lot. So it feels like we've met a million times, and I've been working on a little now-read. He's actually most of the millions of views. So I wanted to make a red bull, but my balls were in the way. So I had to push my balls out of the way, so I could drink the red bull. But it turns out, I need more phosphate to put it into the red bull so that it tastes better. How is that? I've never seen what he really is. Is that how he's that way? If you take an aisle-read video and you just put that whole audio over it, I do million views. I would say four on ten. First off, I've dug through the drawer 70 times. She doesn't have a single underwear drawer. It just doesn't make sense. She must be going commando every day. It's only ball gowns and dresses. And if her clothes are here, then clearly they're not sleeping in the same room, and that's bad. You know, you know I have endless respect for you in your opinions, because you have such a. You have such a good read on situations most of the time. You mean that. Do you mean that, man? But I think there could be another explanation for this. No, I don't want that much anymore. How are you making your eyes do that, man? It's called acting, really honest acting. Hi. I can call? Is this a legend? I'll call fit. No. You know, you're famous for real for real. Right now. You calling face me. Oh, fuck it's Lacey. Shit. Yeah, I didn't know I hang up hang up hang up hang up hang up. Shit. It's feeding time. It's okay. Okay. You actually lost a lot of fucking weight and he looks like a lot of you guys are fucking right now. You look, I'm jealous. He's always less than you, bro. All right, let's take a look. Fuck at the worst. This is Lacey. This is Bank. Lacey, you know they got plans for his zombies on the iPads at Olive Garden? So it's day one of Disney Week or day two now. Okay, I'll poop. Oh, it is? I'm going to call it's probably slime. It's slime. It's a face time. Hey, man. It would be on the show. It would be on your seat. How do you know I'm in your seat? Because you're sitting. He's, but you were so ready to say it. It's okay. It's just a red seat, so. We're not going to reply to you because no one can hear you. No, nobody can hear you, man. Welcome to the yard. This is what lemonade stands going to be like when you were just Sweden. All right, try now. I'll be a little fun. You know, welcome to the yard. Welcome back. Welcome back to the yard. We were already here. Yeah, we are. You remember us? We're going to say welcome back. So I think the answer's 10 times. 10 times. So 10's not the reason. What's wrong with 20? I feel like that's like a healthy moment because you got to break it down. You're going now twice a month. You're going, he still wants to know about Disney week. Well, so I went to Disney and posted about it on Instagram. Yeah. And, uh, you know, it's with all of Judy's nieces and nephews. And they know what I do, right? But they're not allowed to watch me. They only watch like a few YouTube channels. Because it's a little too mature. Yeah. A little. So the only channels are a lot of watches. Mr. Beast. Are you okay? Oh, yeah, fine. You said no first. Did you mean no? Or did you? Errors. Oh, it hurts. I'm sure you'll be fine. They're the last to watch Mr. Beast. I go in there. And what do I find? I find a massive Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Motherfucker. I know it's not slime, which it usually is. And it is filled with mold up the size. Oh. It is. You raised it. I love what it's not made. I found it in the secret little cubby over here. No way. And I put it in there. Yeah, it's probably put it in there. Can you believe it? Gross. Can you effing believe it? So it wasn't a little rain through. What do you think we find the guy who did it? What should we do to him? Should we do that guy? God, damn, is he sorry? I probably hit him not really. Actually, I haven't heard him apologize in a long time. So mad, but we probably give him off the fucking morning. Otherwise, it's a bad example. Just a warning, I guess. Yeah. What if we talk, though? We don't have any temple. What would we do to him? Yeah, what if we make an example of this cuck? I bet he's got a small dick to crucify him. I mean, crucify him. What if I be a cross? They don't want a cross. It's a tiny cuck in the face. We believe it from all his hands. Surely. Maybe he gets to run a coffee. Something monetary. He might be able to handle it. Monetary, but that spiritually still, he doesn't have to pay for anything. Jerk him off. We have to jerk him off. Jerk him off. That's a punishment. We probably wouldn't like it. It allows you to be more loose than be yourself. No, no, no. Wait, I was sorry. You're okay. I think from. I think you've been debated. And just because. I think you've been. Just because some of the fireballs! So many offers. Because. No! The sponsor one was really good. Taking all the common sponsorship stuff for stuff you've been asked to plug for and then just reviewing them instead. That all started there. So he's got a good list. YouTube sponsored robot for throat fucking. What are you asking? I can get grades in school. I was fucking the lunch lady. You're getting right. And I've pulled this before on the pod. My friend fucked a lunch lady after we graduate. To be clear, you weren't getting grades? Nah, I ain't got a single grade. It was the law. I was just, I was back in that way. That was insane. It was, it was, it was, it was, I was saying. Give me the fucking personalize. It's a 10th record. It's a 10th record. Thank you. Every day. They're every day. 50th time, I was like, I don't know if this is morally correct anymore. I'm going to feel right. I'm going to lunch line again. Boys, I'll see you in a minute. Yeah, and I grabbed a chocolate milk. I did, I did a break more shit on his bones. Dude, you're going to show up the basketball of the broken wrist. Okay, my bad. Shut up. You're doing really good today. Came to the meeting late. You're going to answer my question. Take me out. How funny would it be if we actually had a child page in during it? That wouldn't be funny if you actually did it. Yeah, once we really do it, that's when this becomes tough. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What if it's a normal pageant, but we call them children? That was the initial idea. You're just going back to the idea. It's like an infinite well. The concert is real. It is happening. It is to raise money for people affected by the fires that happened in LA. It's going to happen this weekend. That's right. I just feel like you said of a bitch. The fires happen. There's a bunch of kids who can't go back to school right now. What do they do? What are they doing? You know what they could be doing? Displaying their talents. Guys, we are not going to raise any money. All the normies we're going to find out about our fundraiser are going to see this clip with no context of us or anything. They're going to be like, "I'm not giving these guys money. They're fucking pedophiles." You have three options. Obviously. What if we made a song about how we're not pedophiles? Three things. If you can, open your walls. If you can't, just spread the word. Spread the word, spread the word. If you can't, open your mouth. This is just, this is wrong. This is a bad call, right? This is wrong. No, that's not my tell people. Open your mouth. I want to be your boy. Oh! I made an Instagram post for the first time in almost like three years. And I made the post just a nice picture of me and tweeted. Every single comment is about how am I happy that I returned to my white paradise? What the fuck? I know that he walks gross and crass. What does that mean? I'm saying he hits it front, back, however you want. You saying he crass? I'm saying like he hits it like Mark S. Do you have your time? You don't have your time. Sikuna's fucking in his end out. When's the last time Sikuna raw cleanpied somebody? Okay, Jesus Christ. Not for us. And this fucking Christ. He's telling me that he lives a crash life. He lives a crash life. And what's more crash than cray-fi? I mean, yeah, I do want to know. Right, you want to know. I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't say it. Oh, I wouldn't say it. But I can be the amount cast for it now that's out. I am curious. I was telling you this this week. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, this is so different. It's not even a good impression. - It's like, you're Mickey Mouse. - Yeah, it's like Elmo or Mickey. You guys look at him. (laughing) - Wait a minute, it's not like you're just a little bit. - The only case, laughing is 'cause he doesn't know what he sounds like. In his money, he genuinely sounds like Nick's impression. - You can't wait, you stay on your back. I'll get a towel. (laughing) - I said someone to love that. It's the hardest I've made him laugh in a while. While he was playing Lee on New Year's, I was imitating the three-minute pad-a-play characters in League of Legends guy. - I was like, "Why play with your cock and balls?" (laughing) - Well, well, the balls can be terrible, which is a great engage, but the cock is not very long. (laughing) - For combos. (laughing) - Celebrities are living all the night. Oh, perfect, Johnny Depp. - Miley, so Drake. - This is just wrong. - This is wrong, right? - Yeah, for sure. It's like incredibly wrong. - Well, it's just a fucking article to spam clicks, probably. - By the way, guys. (cheering) - What? - What? - What? - There's no way. - Wait, that's great. Did you expect that? - Dude, there it is. - No, he did that. - You did? - That's great. (laughing) - So on one side, you have like pure physics, the other side's chemistry, and then there's physical chemistry. And it's like, I do more on the chemistry side. I game out with you with a physics question. But it could be physical chemistry, is what you're talking about. And that's a different-- - That's a different mom. (laughing) - That's good, that's good. (laughing) - So I understand the misunderstanding. - I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make a new type of weapon. (laughing) - We're gonna make a new type of chemical. We're gonna make you drink it. (laughing) - What could that be? - Oh my God. Who is it? - It's catchy the clue! - Oh yeah! (cheering) - Yeah! - Wow! - Wow, catchy! - His nose is even bigger in person. And his hair's the same as it usually is. - And his white, white skin is only don't make-ups, the only way you could get it that white and pale. - Oh. (laughing) - Viva alkina. (laughing) - Oh my God. I have someone to tell you guys. (laughing) - What is it? - Oh, went to the dermatologist this morning (laughing) to get the whole thing checked out, you know? - Yeah. - Right. - The right hair. And it's not looking good, you know? You guys won. - Well, how about you show us, let's see what the hair doctor said. - Yeah, show us what the hair doctor says. - 'Cause I think he might have been wrong. - Don't, don't bow your mouth. - Don't be so, don't, don't be so, don't, don't be so, don't be so, don't be so, don't be so, don't be so. - I asked the person behind the counter. What's the best bagel? And they were like, oh, get the bacon egg and cheese, classic, New York classic. And I'm like, great. I ordered it. It was dog shit. - Whoa. - It was dog shit. I don't actually think there's a good bagel in New York. - Yeah, I got a fucking bagel for you right here. - You got a fucking bagel for you right here. - Hey, fuck you. - What's up, you. - Do you want me to fuck a hole? - I got a fucking bagel for you right here. - You got a fucking bagel for me right here. - I got a fucking bagel for you. - You want me to fuck you? - I got a lock, I got a fucking, I got a butthole. - I'm with it. - Boston now. - Yeah, we got it, we got it. - Boston PD, I have a butthole and my penis should be. - This is your graduation? - This is my graduation. - Wow. - Okay. - Is everybody ready? - I really just forget that I've seen the pedophile. (laughing) - They're sick, they're off the track, they're off the track, they're off the track, they're off the track. (upbeat music) - I'm just finished. (laughing) - So. - It's, it's it! - It's it! (laughing) - Huh? - Hey, hold on, hold on. (upbeat music) - You guys are in the wrong neighborhood. (laughing) - You get the fuck outta here bro. (laughing) - I'm dead ass. (laughing) - All right man, I'm sorry bro. - Yeah, you got the fuck out of this neighborhood bro. (laughing) - I'm so drunk. - I'm dead ass bro. - No, I got you cool. (laughing) - We gotta go bro. We gotta fucking go, get the fuck out of here bro. - Do you hate your parents? - No, I don't. - I'm like not super close to them. - You, I feel like you talk shit on them every day. - Do you know what you do? - No. - Is that what you're doing? - They don't know what you do? - No, I don't tell 'em. 'Cause I think it's embarrassing. - What do they think you, what do they think? - Do. - Well my dad doesn't ask, I don't know. But my mom, every time I call her, she like practically begs me to tell her, and I just like threaten to hang up. - She's like so desperate for me to call her. (laughing) - What? - Did you get it? - See the sentence? - My mom is so desperate for me to call her. - I haven't seen her since 2019, and she's like, "You have to visit me." - Where, where did she live? - She's like almost homeless or something. - I don't know. - She's like out in the boat. - Okay, so there's one person. - What happened? - What's something you learned way too late? Like you were like, I should've known this a long time ago. - Yeah, really way too late and way too early. - I don't know, it's actually a really good question. I mean, fuck, bro. And when I moved to New York, I remember I genuinely thought, Mayo and mayonnaise were two different condiments. (laughing) - No, no, no, no, no. - I don't laugh. - Howley Berry's like, you missed your shot. He's like, "Yeah, where you're fucking up my cheek." And I'm like, "That's so cool." (laughing) - That's so cool. - 2000 won was so sick. - I was born in, man. - Yeah. - There were some lowlights. - Yeah, there was. (laughing) - Master of disguise. - Yeah. (laughing) - And you are like, "I let deal with this, like alive." - Oh, I almost take drugs to the office. - No, I think I wish I had your beard. - It's a mid-beard. - I have a mid-beard. - Yeah. - All right. - Your beard is fine. - That that fell hurtful. - You've a mid-beard. - That fell hurtful. - Where the fuck are you piping up for? - I have the lowest tier. - Yeah. - I have a low tier. - Yeah, your beard's so bad, you should enter the conversation. (laughing) - Actually, I did a standup joke recently about him. Let me think. - I'd love to hear it. - Wait, I can't remember if I lead into it. Oh, okay. Should I tell you? - Yeah, please. - Yeah. - Did you guys hear about Luigi Manjioni? - I did. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That was a crowd. - Oh, no, liberal crowd. - Wait, I actually don't do that. Sorry. - Yeah. - Okay, sorry, I'll do anything. It killed a CEO. So that's the joke, is like you already know. I'm gonna say, we've gotten all the greatest minds together, and we've discovered the foolproof way. Your girlfriend can't be mad at you anymore, no matter what you've done. - You can cheat on her. - You can cheat the hell out of her. - Wish I won't do it. - It only works once, in that case. - Okay. - Okay. - You can try, you can run it again. - Run. - You can run that shit twice. - Fuck it. - You ready? - Yeah, do you have a coffee this time? - No coffee. - I'm not in the mood to be honest with you. - I think this is all right. - Do you think I might still work with the coffee? - To be honest with you. - I'm out. Let's test it out. I think I might still work with a coffee. - I'm so. - Okay. - 'Cause it's that game. - So I open the door, coffee first still. And you see it, you see it. Did I come in and I go, what if I had a pussy? - I'm doing this. (laughing) - Oh man. - I don't know if I'm watching that slide. - Guys, what about your guys slime? Your best friend's slime is playing right now. You could say he's sort of my friend too kind of weird. (laughing) Like he thinks about me a lot. (laughing) Anyway. (laughing) - He knows. - He knows. - Dude, don't go to school tomorrow. (laughing) - That's so awesome. - Dude, you're telling me to look cute. - 'Cause he's usually snatched, but look, there's no abs there, bro. Oh, it's tight. Touch it. Dude, it's tight, bro. - See, this is the stretch you know. - Oh my God. (laughing) (laughing) - Dude, you look proud of school. - Oh. - Dude, you look proud of school. - Oh, I can feel it. - I can feel it. - I can feel it. - Oh, I can feel it. - Oh my God. - What are you going to do? - What are you going to name it? - Life is beautiful, bro. What are you going to name her? - Oh my God. - It kicked me, oh my God. - Guys, please. - But on the way to the courthouse, I was thinking about that song by Sabrina Carbenter. Did you watch the video I put in the group chat? - No, of course not. - Yeah, I did. - What is the car? - What is the pause? - With the video where he's singing like, "Leg my pussy on me." - You watch it. - Like that bad boy. - You watch it well. - I watch it literally the entire day. You think I don't fucking watch her shit. - You think I'm not a game like that? - She's like, "My honeybee, come and get this pollen." And it's like, she's literate. She's talking about like her pussy. - Yeah. - So I was like, "What if the song was just about that?" - Just saying that. - And so I was like, singing in my car and recording it. Just like, "Too bad to extort too, my pussy is the pollen. Get the pussy juice from my pussy." - It was very crass in 30 seconds and I played it in front of Cutie and Maya. (laughing) - And it never got better. - Nick has been saying that he had the best nachos of his entire life. - What do you think I had? - Somewhere dumb. - Is this gonna be like that time? Is like the best burger I've ever had? And it's like in LAX. - It's like that. (laughing) - It is like that. - Was it at LAX again? - No. - They went two for two. - No. - Shit, no. - Did we were roasted? - Did that place, that burger place in LAX, the magical place? I'm at Ondra's home there. - That's cool. - That's the most magical place ever. - That's cool, I'll give you that. - That's the best burger. I mean, awesome celebrities. - Where is this nacho from? Don't deviate. at the regal theater You believe that shit dude, they were so good Do the camera fell That's really funny. Okay, hold this go It's okay. We can tell Get it off his fingers eat it off his fingers dude. Why did that happen? It just didn't suck hard enough Thanks for hanging out again, please I swear to god if you go to a regal and try the notches We want to hear what you think cuz it's divided us like it's the most it's the vise thing we ever For good shot hold the shot right there. It's a good shot. I'm gonna close on the shot Okay, close it out close it out. Hey, all right. Thanks for thanks for joining us in the vagabit car at regal cinema Hey, we've got and you can get not just just like I was to be head on over there So we'll see you next time for the art ticket challenge on the super Challenge and then we'll come all come to your house and tickle you. I won't give you some not your cheese Terabana. I just realized Michael's thorn. Yeah, yeah, Michael's thorn is while we are riding. He does this thing sometimes Rogo Stop communicating Crazy And he's behind you, right? He's behind me and then and then I'm like And then I'll be like Michael and then yeah, what's up do they use the rainbow flag? What's the hell does that even mean like do Japanese people still consider the rainbow flag? It's just a circle of the rainbow in the level white flag does they still like is it? They have one of the largest gay communities. I'm saying they don't. I'm saying how do they represent that with a symbolic Well, the size of this warehouse Is so small relative to like West Hollywood? Oh, yeah, they still have the rainbow flag the pride flag and is there like a congee on it? What's the gay congee that they put on the flag? They don't have they don't need to fucking Mario Luigi kissing I'm freaking Pikachu. Okay, am I it's you what Tashiwa and then gay congee deaths, you know, which one goes there? You there's no congee on the fish just the pride flag telling me there's no It's not like we have the American flag. They have like we're just like for America. How did it? That's not right Ludwig would you rather bring back every single extinct animal, but there's no other option? We have other options you give the other option. Why you want that whatever the other option is I'll say You don't want to engage Well, it's pretty cool. It's cool. So I'm mad because I feel it the second one was or get an equal amount of new animals Yeah, give me the new ones fuck the old one. Why did that for a reason? What God didn't love you don't want to see a fucking velociraptor God didn't love a velociraptor. That's why I sent the meteor That's a fact. Yeah, that's a fact God was governing dinosaurs. Yeah, isn't that crazy? Do you think he liked it better? I don't know because he had died I thought I'm deleting your old YouTube videos Hatra comes to basketball and he goes he goes yeah, I watched slime He said he was gonna be nicer today and then he just kept calling everyone's sister fuckers I said that like twice what I said. I was gonna be nicer to chat. This is what you also weren't though I was way nicer than I was a day before Shorg you do anything from the mission you suck it back Yorg How does this work Dave I've been playing this game a long time y'all I've been playing this game longer than some of you have Been alive actually and this I'm about to say a sentence that I've never said before Let's roll for a blowjob You're still outside the gate Surely it's with advantage. No, it's about to be yeah, I have plus four to athletic So this is gonna be insane for this guy Do blowjob's I roll survival I have advantage you said let's go This guy is getting this guy He's getting a 21 he's getting this lock-tron Do I need one? Oh, you're cupping the balls To hear out of this ten I'm giving the unit You cut outside the tent is me talking to Calum. It's like fucking quiet windy. I'm like cold. I'm on a crop top So your dad cooler Right, uh, to be limit 35 like slime stage. I just watched the ice age good movie, but now I'm gonna watch a Scooby-Doo movie That shit is groovy. That's what that dude says with the blonde hair. I can't remember his name I can't I don't know where we're driving, but I hope it isn't another fast food restaurant I hope I don't get taunted when I play melee and mayday. It's mayday. I'm in the war I need a girl who's like a four. I'm not very greedy. I need a bitch who isn't very needy, and I'm gonna pass the mic over to Ludwig He's a stinky too, but don't make fun of the kid cuz he's kind of sensitive I got lots of relatives, and they got a bans and kids and they got to go to the market. I get a car skirt. I pull up bit. I park it And I park it like Chuckie and Mike passed the mic to lucky loving Yeah, my boy Nick. I remember when I nut in yuh people say that our multi-culture rule, uh French American even Indian okay, the night with me is like a Sibian. Oh What? As a restaurant I learned how to eat box from professor Sinat that's dreamer you He was teaching the course Sinat did the eating box stream Stop it. You guys are gross. Yeah, he spent so much money on it. Respect his work. It's education man You got to stop being so sensitive to like the human body and then I get up and kill dude I was like a those like cutouts of like a polyurethane like legs, but with a pussy and just like showing dude Jack's like petty All right Fc was wrong, but it's now time for eight and the reincarnation It is up and up and up like lemonade Was is all day I'm zel missy style She's like we all bed is so rock house Do you sleep in your bed, Ludwig? Huh do you sleep in your bed? No, she's talking about Elbeds. What are you playing? Favorite vape flavor? Coca-Cola whoa, do you like the soda too? Yes, you drink the soda a lot. Yes, do you have it at home? Yes. Do you like it more than coax zero? No coax zero is the one Do you pour it into a glass with ice or do you drink from the can from the can is the can cold? Yes out of the fridge cold Or like out of like a cooler at a soccer game cold bridge. Oh my god. This is all I'm You can go to the health app if you're on your phone. It'll tell you your your average steps In Liam over the past seven days averaging three thousand steps. That's great. It's Thousand over seven days like How is that not? Isn't that good? Well, let's keep going this year 2,000 okay last year 1700 2021 300 That's just your house That's the square footage of your house. I didn't go outside. I'm sorry. It gets worse It might be a square footage of your bedroom. If you go from March of 2020 the start of COVID to February of 2021 He is averaging a hundred forty steps. Bro holy shit What he wasn't depressed. I wasn't depressed My god, yeah, I've like 85 When I do the laundry, I use the detergent Jeffrey Epstein was neurodive virgin He didn't know what he was doing Yeah, and now I'm driving through my with my friends in the ruins. We're Egypt. How do we get here? I need a damn Duff beer. I'm Homer Simpson Yo, you guys here, but you don't listen Man, oh my god keep going down. There's gonna be a chart somewhere. All right. So black is snm - Blood, pause. Snoop Dogg, circa 2000 what, the fuckin' eight? I keep a blue flag hanging on the backside, only on the left side, yeah that's the crypt side. (laughing) - Looking at this graph. - Oh man. - Snoop Dogg was looking for anal sex, Snoop Dogg from the album, doggy style. - Wow. - And I rest my case, and I rest my case. Liberals fuckin' kill yourselves. (laughing) - I am a big executive at music. com, and you are supposed to sell this as a duo. - Yeah. - To me, and three, two, one, (whistles) I have a cowboy hat. - Hello, sir. - Oh my God, Jesus, dude that was my door. - Yeah, that's all right, they let me in a dam front. That lady was very nice. - She looked at off the hinges. - Yeah, I'll go in and fix that, but I got something to show you. You're a big wick record, exact, aren't you? - I work for music.com. - Yes. - You look like you work for music.com. - Well, I own and created music.com. - I have the act of a century for you, I think, these young gentlemen. - Oh my God, where did they even come from? - I love, this is Jizz. - That's a guy that we're Jizz. - Love Jizz. - Love Jizz, is that the name of the group? - That's the name of our group, yes, sir. - And I'm gonna let you know what these boys are about to bring to you, is about to blow your lid off. And I want you to answer, yes or no, as soon as the song's over, whether or not you sign them for a seven record deal. Boys, are you ready? - I'm ready. This song is about a magical place. It's about Jesus hometown. And boys, don't waste my time, right? One, two, three, four. ♪ We went home two weeks ago ♪ ♪ I saw them across the room ♪ ♪ There he was, he's a red hair ♪ ♪ Slightly shorter than usual ♪ ♪ Supple lips, surprise ♪ - That boy is 14 years old. ♪ Sing to me, Nicholas ♪ ♪ Sing to me ♪ - That's not my name. ♪ I've come a home for you ♪ ♪ We're gonna kill a guy named Nick today ♪ ♪ We're gonna smash his balls ♪ ♪ And then bury him in a grave ♪ ♪ We're gonna kill a guy named Nick today ♪ ♪ We're gonna smash his balls ♪ ♪ And fuck his balls girl ♪ - Oh. - What the fuck? - It felt like it turned into a violet direction. Can you teach me how to fly, Seth? - Can you teach me how to fly, Seth? - Can you teach us to fly? - Yeah, let's fly, can I fly with him? - You just keep asking it, like-- - I can't. - That answer is yes. - The more we go here, the less serious I think you are. 'Cause I actually thought you were serious. - I was serious. - Can I be your copie? - No. - Why? - Let him be your CP. - Okay, I'm your CP. - I'm, first off. - There's CP on the plate. - Usually there has to be. - There has to be CP on the plate. - You can't take off without CP. - You, you just wouldn't want it to be one man. (laughing) - You don't want the man to be flanked by CP. - His choice of CP. (laughing) - This is, there's no A tray. It's like a war with all. - Throw it in a shot. - I'm gonna just try it. Do it like a spelling B. - Where with all is your word? - W-E. - Okay, you failed. - E. - Have you ever been a spelling B? - You're supposed to say the word first. The word first. - No. - That's a little lazy. - Say the word then spell B. - I mean, not in a long time. - I don't know where I was. - Where with all W-E-R. - Do you want me to use it in a sentence? - Let him finish it. - Can I fucking say, he has a fucking sh*t. - He's gonna ask me. - Just pull it up. - He's gonna ask me if I can use it in a sentence. - Yeah, I'm gonna ask him. - What if he doesn't do it? That's on him. - He will ask me. - He's gonna ask me. - I would retell the judge to kill himself. If the guy was spelling and they went, "You want it in a sentence?" By the way. - Do you want it in a country of origin? - No. Just let him fucking spell it in. - Okay, please. - Go ahead and spell it. - Really quick. - She, you, she, K. 'Cause that's why I'm right now. - Slime creates characters with people in the office where Kelby and some people's minds, if they've never seen him or met him, is like fucking chucky cheese. And he walks around like, "Boggers!" "A-D-A-D-D-L-Boggers!" - He got it though. - And he's got, and he's got thick, squidward thighs in a red neck. Oh God. - And in many people's minds, that's what you're doing. - You can't forget about, you can't forget about Kelby's big arms. - I was doing a bit this weekend in my head, which was. - Okay, sorry. - What? What the fuck do you want? - I'm doing a bit in my head this weekend. - Why are you fucking want? Why do you think I do with my time? - This is a crazy start to anything. - This crazy start, I wear a fucking crazy shit all day. - And what, no one says anything. - Oh, we're being hurtful today. - We're being hurtful. - What? - You started to say that I was doing a bit in my head. - Yeah. - Do you not do bits in your head? - I mean, like, yeah, but I've never started a sentence like that ever. - Okay, so I guess you were saying you don't like be honest. - That's not what I said. - It's like, I was like, I was taking a dump today. You're like, we're taking a dump. It's like, we all take dumps. - It's, I'm just brave. - Okay, so you're brave for this? - So bravely doing a bit in my head, where it's like, a guy who's having real liquids who wants to kill himself. (laughing) - Yeah, that's good. - It's like, yeah. (laughing) Oh my God, I'm so sad. I'm going to till myself. (laughing) He can only communicate through the puppet and he said he's like, doesn't in front of the audience is like, do you ever feel like you're alone in the universe? (laughing) - Maybe we should take, like, each week. It's like one of our turns to take him on a walk. (laughing) - What is that all about? - I don't even walk. - It's like, oh, the coaching weight of my reality is crushing down on my brain. - Oh my God, nothing feels nice any more. No, that's okay. - That's okay. - Guys are doing anything from the mental state. - I'll do for a ship. (laughing) - We can hang out this week, don't worry. - Anything that I like to do to her, doesn't make me feel good any more. (laughing) - That's right, Ahmed. (laughing) - With your co-hosts, or co-hosts, or no one be. - I have no idea. I haven't thought about it. That's why. - On this gun you're gonna pick now. Gun to your head. - Okay. - Okay. - Oh my God. - And then you need a third historical figure, go. - Oh, I was thinking of a friend. - No, the historical figure is the first one. - First thing I know is the first thing I know. - Right? (laughing) - We're on the same wavelength. - It's you extra-amily hitler. (laughing) - And a young Adolf Hitler. (laughing) - You're trying to convince him to stop. (laughing) - Hawkins. - I was like, come on. - Oh my God. - It's artist hitler. - Buddy. (laughing) - The Grichei called you Chomo Pete. - What's that? - I don't even know. - I don't even know. - Yeah. - That's kind of sick, though. - That's what he said. - Like Cuomo, like the end of the political guy. - Yeah. - He's horrible. - That's what made the six of you. - Chomo Pete. - Well, it's all you Chomo's out there, and that's the episode with Hey. - Hey, thank you Chomo Pete. - That was great. - Don't do you stop. - Hit me up in the chat. - You know what I'm saying. - Really important. - From one Chomo to another. (laughing) - I'll see you in like six or seven days. - Hey, maybe if you're not in car straight, Hey, we'll see you. - What's a Chomo? - In the premium episode. - We'll see you in the Patreon. - Vote as everybody. - Just Pete. - Chomo Pete. (laughing) - Chomo. - What's Chomo? - Chomo. - Chomo Loser. (laughing) - I'm just saying, she just shouted me out at the Oscars, which is cool, and I'm flattered. The last thing I would subject her to is this podcast. - Oh, I wouldn't be honest. - Think about it. - I still wouldn't. - You love doing this podcast. - I'm wonderful. - I don't. - I'm wonderful at me, new people. - Famously, I don't love being here, and that's true, but not on this podcast setting. - You're, no. - You're hurting me with that. - Yeah, she's burger, Aubren. There was another rocket, the fucking window. - She's burger, Aubren puts two more slices off. - Damn thing. - I'm not, and he eats it with one bite. - And Huff's, Huff's, I've said this for his. He's trying to breathe while swallowing. - Oh, he's burger, Aubren cuts off. - He'll probably say, she's burger, shaping his goal as he goes down, so he didn't chew it. - I'm just not, I'm just not gonna have her. - Why are you like doing the bucket? - Well, yeah, because I can already see it, bro. I can already see it. - Come on. - It's gonna be slime being like, so what do you do? So what's women's tennis? - And then Nick, and then Nick's gonna chime in being like, the only ten is my girl. - Dude, I had this exact fire, what? - And then, and then, where was that? - And the whole three years we've done this show. - And then Aiden's gonna be like, so is it like hard to do a backhand? It's like, when you're going into a tennis match, what's your thought process thinking about doing backhand? - And then he would bow. (laughing) - So, we already got it. - We're at a hot dog stand, we got four hot dogs, we have four men, and we're gonna see how quickly we can pound them. We're gonna have to do a post-timer, our chief can throw a timer on for us, show you these are regulation dogs, and we're not doing a water stretch. - Dude, one, go. - That's good. - I'm doing it too, dude. (laughing) - Way longer than it goes. - Oh my God, that's 29 seconds. - You're not done? - Dude, I didn't even have water. - I ran this shit. - Dry. - Well, I'm catching up with all the way. - What I realized is your throat muscles start to give out. I just don't have strong strength, you know. Like, if I'm eating like this for a long time, I don't, but you're still not done. - I'm so sorry Joey, Joey, I'm so sorry. - Well, it turns out it's harder than we thought. Okay. - Okay. - Oh, okay, do you realize your opinion? - On the debate. - Dude, I think I stand strong. - No! - I think I'm fine with it. - Same. - How did he die? - I was almost 30. - How did I get to die? - I had nine. - I was 29. - The top two teams are both from our group. Like the finals was the two people we played against. - Now why'd you do that Ludwig? And why'd you get your pants from the Green Hill Zone? - Okay. (laughing) This is what we're just gonna get AppleCare and then get a cheaper replacement. So it covers the cost of AppleCare. - Oh, it's walking down. - I mean, you can still walk someone down. Let's walk them down with Oozzy. Let's buy a mini Oozzy. - Why are we so, and then ask them to replace it? - They're going like, (imitates gunfire) - I want to suck your iPhone! I want one iPhone! - I'll pay you out, Jesus Christ for it! - Now! - I'll walk it on the clown. And you can kinda see if I ever still, but the paint helps a little. And I'm like, I want one iPhone, but I'm fucking killing everybody in this picture. (laughing) - Like everyone's fucking laid out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I just want to get me one iPhone. - Ever is fucking dead. - And then you, like, an iPhone, like, SE, like tiny, and I'm like, this'll do. - And it's locked to a carrier. - Yeah. - You just put on the camera. - Oh, fine! - You want to see my balls? - Show balls. - Do you guys want to see my balls? - I don't care. - I don't vote it. - I saw your balls, over this way. - Over an hour, recently. - So anyway, this theory comes because slime has called everyone's balls big. And we were all like, I don't think we have that big balls. - Like the way you're digging in them. - He's called, he called my balls big. He called Aiden's balls big. And we think he actually says tiny balls. - That was so violent. - Oh, I saw your penis. - Wait, where are they? - We have pulled out. - Shut up. - Let's get it. I'm just kidding. - You're doing this in the weirdest way possible, I feel it. It's like you're digging them out of a cookie jar. And you can't get them out. - Dude, your balls are fine. - Dude, they're tiny. - They're tiny. - Well, they're tiny. - They're not. - No, they're tiny, bro. - They're kind of big. - I'm looking at it. (laughing) - They're even moving. - They're even moving. - They don't say it. - You just say it. - They're moving. - They're standing. - If I wake up and have a terrible hair day, I will, like, it'll determine whether or not I'm like late. - What happened today? - Really? - What happened? (laughing) - Skim it, it's gonna be better. - It's pretty funny. - It's gonna be better. - Me, it's gonna be better. (laughing) - Thorne is being 30. - Oh, they reminded you, huh? - And Fat. - I said, "Exually, guess my way." She said, "250." (blows raspberry) - Toof. - I said, "Ah, down a little." She goes, "220?" - Like, "Oh, she refuses to believe with undertone." - And I go, "And I go, let's start with a different DJ." And she goes, "No." (laughing) - This is going to be it. - It's going to be it. - This is going to be it. - They made a crazy candy. And you'll never taste it. - This is going to be done. - You've done justice, this is a good thing. - No! - It is! - No! - No! - You're gonna throw up in the helmet. - Oh my God, wait. - Y'all need. - Spit it out. - Spit it out. - Oh my God, spit it out. - Oh God. (laughing) - I am a tufted and (laughing) (laughing) - I'm a tufted and I had a donor. (laughing) - I don't even know what you're saying. - I caught all of that. I can't believe you said it. - What are you saying? - I'm a puppet and I'm a boner. (laughing) Right? - Yeah. - And guess what? It's all for you. (laughing) - I got that. - And I want to change the name of mine. I originally called it blow in the jersey up, but you had that in yours too. So I'm gonna call it the Nocturne Toten-Based Freestyle. - I like that. I like that. - And. - The title is in, let's get into it. - Let's get into it. - Let's get into it. - Let's get into it. (upbeat music) - Oh. (laughing) - That was sick. (upbeat music) (laughing) - I wanna say it. (laughing) (laughing) - You paid like $800 for a puppy and it has puffers. - Yeah. It's disgusting. - What do we come on? - I'm so genuinely glad I ignored everything you just said. (laughing) Like, I mean, that's so sincerely. Like, what are we doing here if not excited at the idea of talking about that? - About puffer nipples? - Yes. - Just any puffer nipples? - Dog. - Look at that. - A designer of corgi with eight puffers. Eight pepperos. (laughing) - And you guys throw it in the pool and all these other dogs laugh at it 'cause they've had a paddle around. - It's like a shirt in the pool. (laughing) - Yeah, they're a dog shirt in the pool. - You guys, you know what? I realize about you guys. (laughing) - What did you realize? - I realized you guys are real comfortable joking about animals. - Okay. - Yes. - Yeah. - Because you don't own one. - I had pets growing up. - That don't count. - You fired up. - I think you would talk less about fucking animals if you had one, yeah, Aiden. I think you would. - I'd talk less and do more, for sure. (laughing) - Yeah, well, I think I'd lash out all the time. - 'Cause you don't have a pet. - 'Cause I don't have a laprador to go home and fuck me. (laughing) - I don't think I know his middle name. - You know Jimmy. - I don't think it's Jimmy Jimmy. - I think Jimmy. - It's Mr. Jimmy Beast. (laughing) - If I write a text to him, will you send it? - I would say any text you want, yeah. - Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah, do you want to think of one? - Yeah. - What's your middle name? (laughing) - Do you want to text to me his what's your middle name? - Do you mean, you're gonna spend your one? - Actually, wait, maybe if you just have one, I'll think of something else. - Okay. - Did you tweet yours? - So then I can text Mr. Beast, my friend slime betrayed me today. (laughing) - Yes, you can. - Yes, we give him the phone and let him say that, yes. - But what's your middle name? (laughing) - I just said, hey bro, in and after he replies to that, I'll say, can I ask you something? - Okay, so it's a lot, okay, so you're planning to hook. - Yeah, then we never hear a reply. - It's a hook, yeah. - I see something I've been betrayed today. (laughing) - I don't know if this is what you expected. He did reply. - Mr. Beast did? - Yes, he said no. - Oh, okay, I'll say it's actually important. - Okay, I'll all the time this for you. - Okay. - It's actually important. (laughing) - And say, I'm nervous. (laughing) - I'm nervous. - I'm nervous. - He said, I'm on a call, but text me. - Okay. - Okay. - Well, actually you don't have to say, okay, I'm drained to think of what. - Oh, sure, sure, sure. - To say, say, you've really set up here. Where he's like maybe a little, like, what the fuck? He's on edge. - So do you wanna call him instead? - No, no, no, he said, he's on a call. So I have to text him. - You could say, it's very important. I can I call you, and then I could stand over there and with mouth what you should say to him. - So you want, maybe not actually. You want, so despite him saying, I cannot call, you want a lot of way to push through. - That would be too hard to pull off, I think. - I think you're, I think it's a bit, it would probably be a way to push. - I'm asking a lot of Jimmy, beep, beast. - It says, Jimmy has notification silence. - Yes. - He went to D&D. - In the duration. - Oh, that's what you could say. You could say, could you turn off the, (laughs) - Could you turn off D&D? - Wait, you could type in all caps. - Hello! - You could try to yell past it. - Well, I don't want him to seem like, he's like, I want him to seem like, it's going to be like a good thing. - There's a button that says notify anyway. - Oh yeah, you can push through. - Oh my God, I just clicked it. - Hey, I didn't realize it. - It does it, yeah. - What did you send? - It was the text from previous, and it says, are you free now? I have the text ready to go. And what happens is it blasts through this, you know, to serve, and on the screen on the iPhone, it goes, boom. And oh, it takes off the screen. As soon as you're done with the F4 race, you're gonna be in the air with your dad. - No, no, no, no. - I'm gonna be in the sky with him. - No. - And he's gonna be life like this, sure, is sweet, huh? And I'll be like, yeah, can I call you dad now? (laughing) And be like, yeah, you're the son I always wanted. (laughing) - You also want to say that. - You also want to say that. - Straight son that I've always wanted. (laughing) - I was like, what's that shine? - He has two other sons. - Yeah, but he always wanted to. - You think you would be the best of the four of us? - Yeah. - And not. - Not at Fortnite, but yeah. - No, he even is pretty good. - That shit about you right now. - That shit about you. - He was pretty good. - He was pretty polite and nice. - But I think he's always wanted to the son that can fly. - Yeah, true. - He's only a geek group. - He grew up, he grew up, he's only a botman. - He grew up, he grew up, he grew up. - He's only a botman. - Of course. - Does not every bird want their young chick to fly the nest? - You know what I do? - I fly in the passenger's seat. - He had three chicks. He pushed off the nest that fell to the fucking earth. - One wall falling, said I'm gay. - I'm gay. - I'm gay. - We're gonna try to tie its legs together. - These legs. - The crab. - Which was? It's got four. - You attacked. - Maybe six. - Right, six legs. - It depends if you count the claws as legs. - Oh, claws legs, this is a philosophical discussion it is. - Can we get it? - You can probably use them to move around, do you consider it legs? If our moral force of Mars become fucking legs. - I think if you're moving that way, then it would be legs. - It does have six legs. - On the speed with the legs. - Oh, right, right, right. - That's a six legs. - I think it's eight, 'cause it's got six legs. - They're officially not acting on their own. They are under my command. So I shut up, shut up. We are just go, take the chain from the anchor, and run, and try to wrap around its legs. - Which legs? - Which legs? - What would your GD wish be, if you got a GD? - A GD wish? - Would you play the GD game? - Oh, let me see it. - Is it blue? - GD, I wish that you spread it with two fingers. - GD, let me see it. - The GD is it blue, and he's like, that's not a wish. - GD show it to me. - I know, I only get three, and this is the only one of them. - Check this out. - Oh, dude, too bad ass. I saw the Jesus Christ. Oh, come on. (men laughing) - I saw the bubbles. I saw, I'm not, let me paint you a picture, patrons. I saw the bubble come up from under his gouge and hit his penis and move it and then protrude through the surface of the water. That is what I just saw. - Because we had a stack that was too far away in elo together to cue premiere. So we just played for fun. Okay, I'll say this. I think that does change it for me. - Oh, interesting. It's interesting that you didn't have all the comments. - You have all the comments for you. - Yes, yes, yes. - You didn't have all the comments. - Did you come up here? - Yes, yes, yes. - It's hot. - It's hot. - Do I have a chatter who is like 90% mistrate. And today, so the whole stream, he was like, can I tell you this joke about 12 angry men that I read online? And I ignored it for two and a half hours, right? - Is he spamming it? - Yeah, like question once every like five minutes. - Oh my God. - If he's that deep of a chatter, he knows when I was looking at chat and he's trying to chat with him. - It was like me and Nate shots chat that one time and then everybody started copy-pacing my like, will you play a Maori message with me? Did you, do you have patience for that? - They spam the same thing. - We're working together. - Okay. - So what was the joke? - So here's, so he's spammed that for two and a half hours and he saw that it wasn't getting the attention. And then he, I just out of nowhere, he said, real quick before I send this dick pick, should I put it in a hot dog bun? (laughing) And then I said, you know what? That's good. (laughing) And I said, that's so good. Why don't you tell your 12 angry men joke? - Yeah, he got in the door. - Yeah. - And then he said, I heard they're making a remake of 12 angry men with an all woman cast. It's called 12 women. (laughing) - All right, you can play mine, zipper. (upbeat music) - Check the traffic, please. - You're getting one guide in projecting it onto me. One of them is now, oh well, one of them turns you up. (upbeat music) - My whole group here and then it's turned in. (upbeat music) - These fucking phenomena. (laughing) - They had a bidet installed and I was like, oh shit, a bidet, let me try it out. - But try it out. - But you never found it. - I never, I never used one. So I sat that on the toilet and it was full pressure and it shot straight up my asshole. So I fell, whoa, oh my God. I fell forward on my knees off the toilet and then it continued to spray on my back. - It was, it took me by such surprise. And from that day I have been extremely-- - It's sprayed on your back. - It's sprayed on my back. - It's from the toilet. - Then it gave me the towel for you. - All right, I want you to dream with me. It's like my whole family's dead. It's just me and my dog at the end of the candy war. - Okay. - You're ever the candy war. - It's me, my dog, even the candy war. - And I used my last Reese's cup on my balls. (laughing) - So you're saying like I am legend, but it's just real smith, then he's dig sucked. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - I couldn't do it by the way. - I can't do it by the way. - My dig sucks. - My dig sucks. He's licking my balls. - So I went up to her after the rocket thaw and she wanted to shave it by the way. - Yeah. - I was about to and she's like, can I do it? I'm like, yeah, sure, and she did it. And then he's all done and he's like, ready to go home and I go up to her. I'm like, what do you, if he did this for permanent, like, would you stay with him if he was like this permanently? She's like, no, before he could finish the sentence. - That's crazy. - I even just ascended it. - That's not even, if I were a worm, if I just happen to go through mail plan. - You are close to a worm. - It calls us to a worm, you'll ever be. - Did she still love me if I was a ball ball? - She kept doing this thing where she would like, what if this is it? She was doing it that night and the next day where she would like, go up to me and she'd be like, this is my future. - Oh my God. - That's so sweet. - That's so sweet. - She'd be the bad one. - That's so sweet. - Hey, hey, sit. - Hey boy. - Sit. - Hey boy. Sit. - Sit. - Sit. - Oh my God. - I actually goes into my mouth. I didn't know that. - Hold. - Follow. - He needs to follow it. - Follow it. - Follow it. - Follow your medicine. I told you we should have wrapped it in cheese. - Can I just-- (beeping) - We can't-- (laughing) - Abigail. - Abigail. - Abigail. - Abigail. - Abigail. - Abigail. - Take it off at once. - I don't know how dare you. - Conversely of your lashings. (laughing) - What happened to you? - What happened to you? (laughing) - That's another one. - That's cross. - That's cross. - That's how we punish you, that's cross. (laughing) - No, we have. - That's how I punish my beautiful, awesome daughter wife. - Jen and Daya. - Jen and Daya. - This is Abner. - Jen and Daya Abner. - It's Abner. - It's a good one. - It's a good one. - We have Abner, we have Vernon, we have-- - Abner. - Abbing Nail. - Abbing Nail? - Abbing Nail? - Abbing Nail? - Abbing Nail? - Abbing Nail? - Abbing Nail? - Still Ludwig. - Still Ludwig. - I'm still Ludwig. - Yeah. - Well, fine, I'll take up my shoes. - Okay. - Throw them in then. Throw the shoes then. - That's not a cross. - All right, it-- - It's a lemon. - How is it a cross? - Abner. Should I teach you everything? (laughing) - Can I pause it all of you a question? - Please pause it. - If I were to, without any context at all, send that picture of my poop to your girlfriends. Can you-- - You don't have a nanoclip. - It's like five long and f--. (laughing) - Okay, what's this? - Put it in the packet punch? - It comes out, it's f-- in diamonds. (laughing) - And then I go, check it, sir. - Oh, I come back, I get my ammo back when I'm back. - And that's all weapons. - Fuck this, let's get tacos. - It's taco time. - Yeah, I got here 7-10, which is at worst 10 minutes late, past the deadline that we last minute-- - That's crazy. - It's crazy. - I mean, he didn't give us an ETA, I just said, where are you at? - We thought he-- - I said, sorry, I'm almost done, and then you guys didn't reply. - I don't remember that. - What is almost done? - People didn't even reply. You didn't ask me to say you're an ETA. - I'm now we're starting at 7-4-8. - 7-4-8 I'm E-B, and I'm E-B, and we couldn't just done it at 11! - What do we do at 7-4-8? - 'Cause I have something that you didn't know about. - What? - What, were your two PAs not enough to schedule it? - No, you knew what? - Actually, let him go, let him go, let him go, let him go. - Are you done? - Are you done now? - He's guess what? - I got into a car accident today. - Why do you think he's bandaged up? - I got into a car accident, I was hit while riding my Vespa, my Vespa is no longer usable. - This is all true. - And that's why I had to push this, 'cause I got into a car accident. But in the future, I'll avoid it and maybe have my PAs try to schedule around my car accidents. - Would you like that better? - Would that be better for you? - I mean, it would have helped. (laughing) - We can't spoil. - No, there's some spoiler. - Oh, it's a fucking spoiler! - It's a spoiler! - It's a spoiler. - I haven't seen Severe in season two. Oh my God, he busts down, helly, shit, bro. - I guess you have, so you have seen it. - Oh, I just guessed. - No, you didn't. - Slash titties around and shit. - That's obviously seeday. Otherwise, he wouldn't have referenced. - No, no, 'cause, of course he does. - Do you have, does Mark ask when he goes home and he smells titty on his breath? Does he start to get suspicious? - Is he opening his mouth at the top of the elevator? Or is he pressing the falls out of his mouth? - One of the flashes he gets while he's going in the elevator is just a breast in his mouth. He's like, "What was that?" - Mark has to go into the top of the elevator and just having so much peanut butter on his balls. - And he's rock. - Getting home and you smell like peanut butter, you're rock solid. - It's not happened to work today. - Fuck, I have no more. - Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey in bed. And she's just like, "Maybe I just, I don't know." It's like red fish blue. Like, what? - He's like, "Uh." - He's like, "What about fish?" And then he walks into the door, he gets in the bed and the bed bends in. And she's like, "Oh, she's like, that's so good." She puts a little treat on his tongue. And she's like, "That's so good." And she closes his tongue for a jar. - And there's an exit in the bed. - She pushes his own back in his mouth and closes his jaw. - When someone opens the door at Taylor Swift's house, he goes, "I'm so sorry, he's not usually like this." - He's a rest guy, he's really like this. - You have pets at home, maybe? (laughing) - And she takes the treat. And sometimes he goes and he just kind of says, "Oh my God, boy." - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - That is what I'm more interested in. - I'm now for that. I don't know. I'm gonna give a fuck about the chiefs. I could not care less about the chiefs. I haven't got an awful season. I hope they don't make plans. (laughing) - The Zon had Travis Kelsey on his stream. Man, that was fucked up. (laughing) He made him wear this fucking necklace. (laughing) Poor guy. - Hey, hey, corner. - You could tell he was, you could tell he was uncomfortable. You should've given him like a comfy or chair. If he's gonna, if he's gonna, if he's gonna parade him. - Travis Kelsey curled up at Taylor Swift's stream. (laughing) - She's just looking at a fucking pictures of Gaza. He's like, he's like, where's that? - He's chewing on a poo that he's chewing on. - Oh my God, down. - I don't know, I buy him toys, he prefers the shoes. - I was at a coffee shop and-- - Oh, was it this morning? - No, no, no. It was, wait, why are you saying that? - Oh, well, you couldn't resist. - No, you couldn't resist. - Are you just saying this, can you show me at 902? - Oh, I'm like, I'm like, you're actually-- - I'm not allowed. - You're a pathetic worm. - I'm not allowed to say that. - A small amount of sand you can hold onto. You pathetic worm, bro. - This is a version in which one gets versioned. (laughing) - 'Cause I'm a freak, I can't make it enough, eat it. - This won't help this time. - This broke your rule, you broke it. - I didn't break a fucking rule. - Yes, you did, you were not allowed to fucking say shit about me being late. Until the end of the year, this is saying shit. - I am not! - Yes, it is. - It literally gets the spirit of the rule. - You said it, and you immediately said, I'm not allowed to say that. - What? - I did. - You just did that. - You just did that. - I did that. - Yes. - So you acknowledged that you broke the rule. - Well, it's my punishment then, life or level. - What was your calm, I guess? You want to blow you? - You're going to blow you into all your fucking jays in front of everyone, including our friends, and everyone in the show watching the show. (laughing) - The show you want to get. You're going to be a fuck bike on the show. - Why? - You want to be a fucking swallower? - You want to be a fucking shower? - The ringlight, the ringlight on the camera, you see it clearly. - I don't want to be a fucking shower! - Why is your ringlight? - I don't want to lose you! - What's your question, Abynale? - Abynale just wanted to remember her father's name. - It's Abynar and you've gone on Punished for long enough. - I was playing CS soon. - Why do you always want to punish me? And why is it always involved sitting on your lap? - Because you said a swear and the lap is where puns happen. - It's his big lap. - Abynale? - Yeah. - Ludwig Mother. - Yes? - Ludwig Mother can punish you if she pleases. - Ludwig Mother Ludwig. - Fine. - Take care of him. - He's untake careable. - Dad's. - There's no lap big enough to punish him. - Yes. - You know what? When I sit in the lap of the Lord. - He can't punish me because his lap's not big enough for me. - I sit on the Lord's Jesus lap. - Is that why he's gotten so fat, Mother? - Yes. - To avoid the lap. - People by stretching. - Yeah, he would make him shorter by chopping him off or stretching him to make him six. - The serial jelker. - Nice. - He jelks you. - He jelks you. - And you're sleeped. And you wake up. - And you wake up. - And you wake up. - Wait, is it jelking if someone else does that? - And then he makes a potion from you. - Yeah. - It is. - Okay. - There should be like a tooth fairy, but for like fables of people who come in their sleep. (laughs) - What does a tooth fairy deliver to you, come? - No, I'm saying like you have an alternate that comes in the middle of the night. - The chapter is just looking a barcode right now, isn't it? (laughs) - The episode has no range. - Our brains are still fried from the end. - No tangible, followable story. - Well, okay, the tooth fairy arrives when you sleep, steals your teeth, keeps them for herself. - You need like some Icelandic or Nordic name. - So is this like, this is like a Nordic tooth fairy that comes in the middle of the night and sucks you off? - Yeah. - Grintuslo. - And you're coming. - No. - Suck you dry. - Grintuslo. - He wouldn't suck you dry actually. You'd leave it all over you. - I don't know, cool that. You can, you can fuckin' call. - I think Travis Kelsey is stone cold dumbass. - I think you're conflating. - I'm okay with that. - With how I actually feel about all the Taylor Swift stuff. - He's somewhere trying to pick up a piece of paper with a sticky hand. (laughs) - Right now. - Binn, who does you work? - He's got a tongue out like this. (laughs) - He's got a pinwheel at. (laughs) He's got big, comfortable overalls, like kid in play. - This is what I found with me. - So what? - He just had a quick turn, misrachial back on. (laughs) - He just had on the table and looks around at the adults to see if it's bad and if he should cry. (laughs) - He does on the football field too. (laughs) - He's sitting down after a huge hit that actually does. - They all clap and say, "Yeah!" So he gets back up happy. (laughs) - Oh, I wish people can't say that. It's crass. - They can't say, they can't say, I will say that. - They can't say petafuck. - Whoa! - No, it's cool. - I'm having nail, don't quote mother, just so you can say "crass words." - Well, mother leads the way. - Mother does lead the way. - Mother sets the example. - Father, Abner leads the way. (laughs) - Wow. - My gosh. - And all roads lead to his lap. (laughs) - I'm gonna punish him. - All roads lead that far. - We're gonna make it our next place documentary about father Abner, 'cause he is problematic. - I'm not problematic, I just run a tight ship. Unless it's my son. - That's my son Vernon. - Your son seems to get away with a lot. - It's rum spring on, you don't just like counter strike. - It's rum spring and it is what knows. - Covering tattoos, you're so covered in tats. - No arms involved. - What are you gonna come home from rum spring? - Every apartment I've been in has been terrible. Like, my, what? - Is this true? - Yes. - The thing is, he's always talking about his neighbors. - Oh my God, I wanna actually murder my neighbors. I want to kill them. - What's the beef? - They, I think they're morbidly obese. Because I don't understand how they can, like my upstairs neighbor is. I don't know how they can stop so loud. - Oh, so they're being loud. - Yeah. - Wow. - Wait, you think, I mean, I thought you're the guy who's like, you know, talking that full volume in his room. - No, you can't hear like voices, but the vibrations from the steps I can hear. So I will like get my broom and bash you. - Oh, you're doing the broom? - Yeah, damn. - Oh, that's like, that's like six-year-old person. - It's like six-year-old friends. - Me and a dab were trying to think of things that fell off. That's actually what I felt, that was one of them. - Quieting down the upstairs with the broom. - We thought that fell off, but apparently it hasn't. And then they stomped back like a bunch of children. I had like this rubber mallet that I like hit the ceiling with and I marked it like 200 times. And it would've - You're losing your deposit. - No, but I painted it and I like streamed it. So it was content. - Oh my God. - Your genius. - But I like, color matched it wrong. - You're a nittyy. - Does the Pope have a family and a child? - No, no. - It is dumb. - The sword's elevancy. - No sex. - No sex. - No sex. - No sex. - I think that's a lie. Do you think that he beat? - Famously, a lot of them lied. - Yeah. - Is this gonna blow your mind? - Not even adults. - Dude, boy love? - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Don't do that. - What? - Don't, I'm not gonna do that. - Yes. I think that's bad. - Oh my God. - What's wrong with that? - Oh, you like it now. - Well, I know it's wrong with it, but what's wrong with it? - Boston cops stop boy love. - That featuring Mark Ruffalo. - Yeah. - It wasn't even the cops, it was the goddamn reporters, the true cops of the world. - They met a snuff said Abba who got there at the end was fucking Boston PD. - Boston PD. - Boston PD, get that child out of your mouth. (laughing) - You look at Pam and Jim playing around. - When he's like grabbing her from behind like you do. - Yeah. - Oh dear, like you're going around. - You mean from the show? - Yes. - You know what I mean? - I don't know, it's like a behind the scenes. - No, from the show. - No, they were in the Pedro Pascal. - Oh, dude, he went through the-- - Oh, dude, he went through the-- - He went through the-- - He went through the-- - He went through the-- - Oh, dude, he went through the-- - Oh, dude, he went through the-- - No, no, no, no. - You guys crazy. - No, let me give that to me a kiss. - He should have got his fucking arm broken. - Jay was crazy for that. If I was Roy, that, I'd kill myself before I killed him. - Well, no, you kill him and then you kill yourself. - No, I'm, I'm going with the kill. - I kill myself then him. - I kill myself and I leave a series of solid traps for Jim that follow him for the rest of his life. - Let's just say, everyone's on the news after I'm done. - Yep. (laughs) - Yeah, you grab my girl like that at work. Everyone's ended up on the news. - Hey, it's gonna be the breaking news tonight. - I didn't even know my girl was ticklish. (laughs) - And I found out 'cause my fucking, 'cause Jim lifted her up and she laughed. - I found out 'cause of who Jim in Pedro Pascal-- - I fucking, I didn't even know her stomach was ticklish. - This is Kelby's desk and I put a-- I changed his keyboard out with one what for a gigantic keyboard, what for a child or an elderly woman. (laughs) Can you, I won't be here, probably. I don't know how to hear as much. And most likely, can you tell me what he happens when he sits down at his desk? - I'll be here tomorrow morning. I'll tell you. - It feels really good to type on. And here's my get in my bet. Kelby will come. He'll be like, what's this? Everybody shut up, Kelby. Sit the fuck down and do your job. Like you always say to him and he sits down and he'll start like using it a little bit and he'll say, I kinda like this market, market on your calendar. - So off, so off. - I think he will. - No, you know what he's gonna do. - You are probably the worst Kelby whisperer of all time. - No, I'm a guy. - What will he do? - He's in a walk-in. He's like kind of like weirdly straight posture. - It's always weird. - He's gonna walk in, he's gonna look down. - He's straight. - Wait less like who got me and more just confused. He's gonna be like, what's this? And then no one's gonna have an answer 'cause no one's paying attention. And then he'll be like, okay. And then he'll like unplug it and move it somewhere else. - You should've done it on Nick Yingling's test 'cause he would've come back and be like, my keyboard grew well. - That was cool. (laughing) - It's not about water in my keyboard. - No, we're done. Today stops. Today's the day. - No, no, no. - He kicks down the door. It's like a dinosaur capsule, what do we? It's not about water on it. Now it's a T-Rex. - Chad, we're done with this shit today. We're done with this shit. Nick Yingling has served his company loyally for too long to be degraded to young child who discovers wonders of the world on a daily basis. He's more than that. Don't. What are you holding back? I'm trying to move your hand outside your mouth, okay? He wouldn't say that he knows play does not food I'm being serious He knows keyboards don't grow if you water them Okay What I think is supervised trick-or-treating is a pox on the society and we should send the children out in groups Unsupervised to Rome you know, you know, I think the kids should have purge rules For Halloween night only probably not only but they have to be unsupervised by a parent They have a parent that's a that's a boss and they cannot have any purge rules. Does that mean the kids can commit crimes or the kids can Commit crimes to each other the kids can commit any crimes you must defend From the kids I like that. I don't know if I like that. I would kill so many You have to like that because that feels I'm not allowed kids had the perfect fair right if you could you would kill several kids I'll say it if they all attacked my house at once. I'd set up the 50 Cal It just sounds like you were excited at the idea. I'll just say it. I'd be like Instead of for the fires if we get the money we'll set ourselves on fire Like a mom like the monks like the protesting might do self-imulation I couldn't self-imulation you show I'm from a fragmented nation of people people complacent with This thing it's like a kid hitting their head of the coffee table One line and then you exhale like black thought people pull out my dragon wing long bow from behind and I'm going to shoot Are we flying towards the boat or the water the like it or my net of man Don't you are doing net of man. Is a point is bow it up? What's they doing? Hey, what's the twink one dough in? Was he old blue if you try to change directions we will find you and we will be a net there Do you think that's growing back? On the back that's for sure you guys just not talk while we do the net thing I still don't know if he's left in my land It might say it's does it stage left We're not on a stage. He's at port shop shop. I think Jason the ween does not know who the fuck Elvis presses that's great. Call it. Don't mean that Gail house rock. Hello. Yo, what up man? How you doing? I can't focus you no more. I'm sorry. What? I can't focus you no more Cuz I'm what is your wife? What do you I'm barely white no, no, you're definitely why I'm Latinx Is that my chill? I just had a question. Do you know? Do you know that old singer the guy who? Oh, yeah, it's fine. I just wanted you that old the name of that old singer's like ain't nothing but a hound That guy like hey mama. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, who's that? I don't know, but I would walk in the cracker barrel and that's all would be playing Don't let's go. We got it. Did you reach out be real? No way you bro. We rent out. What's that pyramid in Vegas the Luxor Luxor. What's out the Hyperx love the Hyperx arena sphere? Yeah, no, no, the fucking That's Pyramid Hoppy and all I do is bang bad bitches and leave them. I'll be I'll be hit it from the back. Why don't you Side shots while spooning please Did you see What I wanna from up you don't want now please shut up. Please shut up Did you see me? Imagine you're out of steak dinner. Okay, be with me Don't laugh. Be with me. Yeah, imagine you're a Sorry, are you dressed as no you're and you're on a date with a fucking bad you're on a date with the toughest, okay, I might dress the same Yeah, you are and you're fine. I see you just like that. I'm a magic show. It's on the end of a camera brink And she's giving you a fur job out of the table The day firm and anyway, so you get you eat your steak. It's so savory. You get some mashed potatoes You get some core all sorts of savory fucking crazy shit. You're like waiter check. I couldn't have another bite waiter And then the check comes on top of the check is a little unwrapped singular mini milky way and you take a bite I take that bite in in melt on your time. I yell kid purge and I go Am I the asshole argument? You're basically saying they're getting up and then they're walking around for two hours and then they're done Yeah, but I wake up at 11 11. So in this wakes you up earlier Yeah, with a throbbing headache is what walls here. It's like an earthquake. It feels like and what are you brooming? Like all times a day Sometimes I do it when they're not even making noise It's a preemptive brooming, right? Just like hey, I'm letting you know If you start I'm back. How many is it? How many of those fat cells up there? Oh, I Don't know. It might be like five No, but to be clear what I said I would clutch is getting the talk If I was a kid you're oh, yeah, I would clutch and getting I said I see a vagina and I'm like yeah, the alphabet would work on that. Yeah, this is over. What do you mean? Either clutch or did it I'm saying a few if I had the talk I would have clutch. I think I think yeah Okay, I didn't talk. I think the harder thing is for the parent. I think I clutch the talk as a parent It's hard as a kid too because that's what I thought you're both Inside you're like oh my god, they're showing me Pachinas and yeah, and my dad hasn't been home in like a year We're not even talking about that and you said you clutch as a parent. Let's start. You're the parent now. Yeah, you're still the mother Dinner's ready Shut up, okay. I gotta I gotta do that thing. I do that thing. I've homework for 30 seconds. I'm not going to the door Okay, I'm not going on the door. Oh, what's that kid? What is that kid? Wait, wait, which ones who's who on the kid? I thought he was the mom. He's the daddy. Oh, he's a dad. He's a dad. Okay, I'm your cool uncle I open the door. I open the door. I open the door. I have I have my one piece jam. He's on I'm clearly erect. Oh Wait, love me. Why are you you're pitching a timbre right now? Oh, I'm trying to talk to you. Your uncle's here. It was Thank you. No What a hog Nick He's you're saying my gay ass brother I Oh boys, switch the other tab. What's on that dad? Uh, I I I control shift T because I'm an honest child and Wow, one piece porn. It's Nico Robin She's she ate a logia devil fruit. So she can have fire breasts. She's hawking logis in this porn yet No, she has a logia fruit in her breast or made of fire Okay, no scoot over. I opened up command prompt. I enter like a big string of code without 300 words for a minute and then I just press enter and you're minding Bitcoin That's why your uncle's so successful Look there's nothing wrong here except for that you gotta stop watching one piece Okay, I'm okay with pornographic one piece. I don't think you should be watching the normal show No, it's just not good media. It's just a brain raw media. I just heard all the come-come fruit. It's one of the great stories overtoles Whatever son. You you have any girls are or boys? You have a crush on its school. No, it's gay dad I'm so homophobic. I'm 12. Yeah. Yeah, that's gay. Okay liking girls is gay. Well, yeah, that's also kind of gay, I think Yeah, well, do you know what a did you know what why we just keep it at that? You could just keep being gay. Don't talk to anybody. Don't talk to any girls or boys Stop watching what beast And I think your mother will be happy with this. I think we can still beat it. Oh You can beat you can beat off just leave the door open and then boom A24 logo It was like a 30-minute trailer. Yeah Well, he said he thinks it's gay, so yeah, I we're kind of at an impasse You be okay, but you you got to then broach you say hey, it's gay now I think it won't be good with my kid. I'm gonna do bird's bees and bee bucks Yeah, I'm gonna be like when the point I'm I think it's gonna be like well, this sounds awesome Nick you already have the talk locked out. What's that you go to your kids room you go I can't even say it I can't say I'm your kid. What if I'd a pussy? Sometimes you go out and your whole session is just gravel sniffers. Mm-hmm Does this not like ruin the car? Yeah, I'm very confused by so it's it so it hurts it a bit But that's a red flag that's a red flag because they got to bring it because there's no way for the car to get out Unless it gets towed out and there's stop and you can't bring the tow car drive it out Cuz you can't drive and gravel, but why the fuck would they put gravel there if you can't drive on it just slow you down Why not just put the wall? Then the wall Slow down. It's like on the interstate in Colorado when they got the big gravel like It's like somebody hit like a water barrel on the highway and you're like why why is the water barrel? No, it could just have Water barrel makes a lot of sense you hit the water barrel This is the water and then you go up wasn't supposed to do that and then you keep driving The gravel is not that your car is broken. It's like you're on gravel I think the idea that you think you hit over on a hundred meters of I hit a water barrel on the highway and my car is not total I'm on a type of road I'm making so much sense right now. I think you're not Stop touching me. I'm not touching. I'm not touching. Oh god guys guys guys guys guys quiet quiet. Fuck you. I got a Greg You're nine. Don't talk like that Jesus what's that cop dropping a bunch of stuff outside? It's a roly window cuz we're poor Hey, hello You know my dad's been drinking my dad's drunk and look at the driver's way. I hit my mom I lean into the car and I get real close to your face and I go Brother brothers in the truck Stop doing this shit. What a little fucking orphanage weird. Yes, can you not talk to them? At all he has a gun Do you know what happens to kids in orphanages? I got I'm popping the trunk. All right. I go and look at the trunk and it's just all bunch of porn magazines and come everywhere Like an insane amount of calm everywhere the truck. Yeah, it's like a crazy amount of calm. Yeah, your dad's And I open it I put one finger in it. I go Cobb and I'm like I'm doing this because I'm like I'm so busted and I and I shut it and I go to the front My god, but I was with the same finger and I say finger. I still call it sniffing occasionally. Yeah, I go and then you on buck I got not you Yeah, me. I want the young one. I get out but you don't I have a fucking Glock with a switch tucked into my fucking my size 24 Levi's okay. I roll for perception wait wait That's a seven okay, you don't notice fuck. Okay. Yeah, so you what is it officer? Yeah, I'm a gangster crit kid. What is it? I'm sure you're gonna have to take me in Shut up. Well, I'm sorry. I'm busted as dad. I don't know how to drive it. He's drunk. Okay, and you pulled him over for what? Because you won blondie in the year. Is this your father? I don't know I don't know how I got here. Okay, that's right. All I know is I got this I pull out how long I pull out fucking Glock You pull it out. I pulled a fuck point in my head put it your head my head in your head Where the fuck I'm in this guy's bro. I don't know what the fuck. I'm in it. I don't know dude. I said it's right right now Yeah, I'm nine to like if you understand like math. Okay, I will help you out of athletics check Okay, it's in that 20 so I jump over you and now I'm behind you Where I'm behind you and the clock was still pointing in front. Okay, and I whisper in your ear and I go and I go I'll smell you daddy's car. I know where you came from Nine-year-old kill myself I want to friends house and I'm a little match There's had a box of matches and I lit one and I just blew it out instantly and then his mom came home Smelled the match but kicked us all out Game of 45 minute chewing - I wasn't a lot of your smoking weed. That's what that's what happened No, well, I thought you were just using fire. Yeah, I think so. I wish she slept the dog shit out of you Woulda put it it woulda put you in your place if she slept the dog shit out of me. Yeah, that would be a place I was like maybe 12. Oh man, she he little laugh. He's making a dumb and snarky little joke. They're just matches I went back the next day And would you kid purge? Oh, I climbed it or bath or my fucking Hey, Mrs. B. It's the kid purge try to leave Yeah This is actually I'm actually so much more scared of doing the turtle suit try to leave man try to leave go ahead with the turtle suit He'll jump because he won't feel the fall Oh my god, okay, all right, bro, okay, is it dipped in water? Yeah, no, no, not yet, not yet to try dog Oh, and then you dip the oh, this is such a nasty strat Look at me. Look at me fucking wolf that three bites chew chew Swallow dude eating it show the mouth show the mouth Idiot modular like that. That was a great. I was a great. It was a great eat, bro. That's a good That was a great. Oh, wait. This is what's crazy about this is you you're coming in You're like guys guys it wouldn't even be close. I can just I'm so good at it now and we're all like yeah, man Like I think we you would you know he's not saying yeah, man He said I think you were competing in this way is pretty cringe, but I could still be dude You know what this feels like this feels like when I figured out how to double-thumb mash and I became the best Masha in the group and then everyone's like two thumbs like I'm a single-thumb But I think eating it set like eating the dog and then dipping the bread and water. It's like what are we doing bro? We're pushing this we're fucking pushing ourselves if I eat your a hot dog after this I fucking my second dog in my journey of a dog eater. Oh, and I beat your time with all your will you fucking shut up about being the go no But you got beat without any grinds off the show This is so embarrassing what if I beat you would then you be bad No, what if I was plat three then would it be better at league than you You know, which is it not you didn't really engage with it. I'm not as I'm pointing gauging with me by trying to Not freaking out. So it's like I just got it if you give me some water in a dog Starting running from birth, I'd be better than you say it all right Oh Smoked being hot. I do you want to apologize to me, bro? We talked about this on the board on the pod. Yes. I thought we did it on your stream only Oh, maybe it was just your stream. Yeah, I'm sorry I guess so it's sorry for what it's like I wasn't even there for it. So does it count sorry? I guess you remember on the primo when you said we're not even in the same conversation said it was so much conviction Yeah, yeah, I just, you know, you It was the best of my area. You're the best you're like some people will think Jordan's a goat some people think of bronzer goat It's fun. You're the Michael Jordan. I'm Lebron. Yes. I was better middle of the road That's go before you got to this and then now the new era is different It's different. I'm not as into it anymore The game's just changed a lot. It's a very defensive game now your thoughts Immediately go to something that you absolutely do not want him to see Leonas It very much is one of those don't think of a pink elephant type thing You know, you're like as long as he doesn't see What is it that you think of immediately Leonas that you very much at hope he wouldn't see oh it's It's it's me back at home Uh in in the sea, but the princess is there with me in in my dad My dad is hugging my dad's hugging both of us at the same time and his dad my dad my dad is my dad gives me Kisses her on the mouth and then he kisses me Just she's - You're actually gonna put a figure by eyes? (laughing) - Don't expand, don't expand, that didn't happen. I just wanna be respected and loved. - Again, since Sinkofa can't lie either, although you all do not see that, you see him touch Leonis's head and go, "Oh!" (laughing) - Yeah, once again, this shit is the kind of stuff you don't need to run into. - I'm right right. - I'm gonna add upside down, kill yourself! (laughing) - I like workout, a lot of it mean, and it goes upstairs and they're like talking and hanging out. I go up to grab a protein bar and say goodbye. And so I'm like, "Bye guys, it's nice hanging out." I'm leaving, I'm like, "Bye." - Okay. - I'm walking out the door. - Dude, well, there's real quick premise. He doesn't say goodbye guys, see you later. He goes and grabs the protein bar, comes up to my face, puts it on my face, he goes, "Protein, I need protein." I need to get big with protein. - Do you see how it's different? - No, he was sitting down and I was at like, standing height. - Like a penis height. And I just started like caressing his cheek with it like near my penis. - So is this fursally watching? - Yes, they're both just watching this happen. - They thought it was really funny. And I was like, - It was funny how when he phrases it, he goes, "Yeah, so I just said goodbye." - Yeah, I just said goodbye. - I just said goodbye. - I gave hugs all around me. - I was like, "Peace on, I think, just drop down the door." - I hate when you do, I hate when you pee in a bottle and you're like, "I don't have enough bottle." - This sucks. - Dude, that's what I said. - Last time I did a free load. - I felt like free cuts when I did this. - Oh, shit. - I have one, I have one. - You're jugging at it. - Jugging at it. - Oh, jug, jug, jug. - Oh, you're gonna get all down. - Get under there, get under there. Dude, can you, are you gonna be able to switch? He said, "I think I'm good, I think I'm good." No, I'm not. - Is it warm? (laughing) - Close it, seal it now. - Wait, it's actually pretty clear. - Yeah, you got great, Peylo. - Dude, that's good, you can show that. - They didn't come show it. - It might as well be told what she goes. (laughing) - That's really clear. - Dude, do you know what this feels like? - Oh, sorry. (laughing) - It feels like, it feels like the coffee you get out of the Vendee machines in Japan. - It's a game. - Yeah. It's like Game Bossy. - That's so black, bro. - Let me hold it. - No, no, don't bring it in there. - I'm out of you 'cause you texted me some annoying shit. - You texted me? He goes, "Why don't you read me that?" - So I message him, I said, "What's your devil fruit?" He replies almost immediately, which never happens. He said, "I like to think I would be a Logia Andy." Is that how you say it? - Yeah. - "A Logia Andy." - Okay. - And then I replied, "Hello, you have run out of a lot of tokens for responses from friend LLM LTD. If you would like to purchase more tokens, text PLTR to this number. The amount will be debited from your account. You reply, "Stop and look out." I reply, "Payment accepted, $799 and 99 cents will be charged to your payment method." And then I said, "Ha ha, yeah, Logia is cool." - Oh my God. - We were saying Ains dad flying the plane, but I thank you for flying on the USS, my son's gay. He's actually on the flight, my gay son, he's sitting in B12. If you want to say hi to him, he's going to walk through whether it's looking pretty clear here in Seattle, Washington. It's weird that he keeps repeating about how I'm gay. - This is Aiden's father. My little gay boys in the front row. - There you are. - If you could just pet him on the head. - Oh, it's my little gay boy. - Raise your hand, raise your hand, gay boy. - Raise your hand, gay. There he is. Look at his long, linky gay arm. He's like an inflatable tube gay. - Yeah, that's just-- - I wanted him to become a football player. - Yeah, pretty. Yeah, and I'm a pilot, which I thought was a feminine, but boy, you should see him, take a soccer ball. He is useless. All right. - Should be landing in three hours. - It doesn't work like that. - It does not like that. - Yeah, I'm just been weirdly sexual to me while I've been gone. - This is not true. - While you've been gone? - Yeah, while I've been gone for a week, 'cause I was in France and I got sick. - Yeah. - So I haven't been in the office in like 10 days, that's why you're sick. - I was sexually explored by Michael. You should see Michael. (laughing) And then I get a message and it's from Simon. It goes, "What are you doing, man?" And let me see that thick, thick monster down there. (laughing) That cinder block of a penis. - Oh, hold on. So when you say it, that's not true. What exactly were you thinking? - I'm sorry, I'm not done. - Haven't talked to you in a week. Take a pic with a flash on. (laughing) And then I wrote, and then I wrote, "I'm sick, sad face." And you're like, "Oh shit, French flu." (laughing) And then yesterday hit me up again and said, "Just let me hit once." Question mark. - We won't, don't have to do math stuff. - And I said, "You can't hit, man. "I'm taken." And he reacted with the rolling eyes emoji. (laughing) - Giraffe mind explosion. (laughing) - Your fly. - And then he said, "You should watch Trigon." - It doesn't matter if it's a fucking fake version, 'cause this is probably happening. - Well, it's real. - Someone has brought on a phone and showed you something that you think sucks, and you go, "That's cool." - Let's play it out. Let's play it out. You're Big Ben, I'm Aiden, and you're the Uber driver, and action. - Hey, what ethnicity are you really quick before we continue driving this car? - Serbian. - And then he checks the chart, that's fine. All right. - Excuse me, random question, I'm so sorry. Are you Nen Yahoo? - Yeah, that's me. I'm Benjamin Nen Yahoo. - Oh, okay, that's so crazy. I do podcasts, we talk politics. - What's that? - What's that? - Is it like milk? - It's like a music, but longer. - Oh, jeez, jeez. - Can you, hey, are you Serbian pigs? - Serbian pigs. - Serbian. - Right. - Can you please drive a little safer? - 'Cause he probably says something like that. - He's Serbians. - Hey, you fucking, hey, you Serbian rat dog. - Nope. - Hey, drive straight, bitch. - No English, just moved here. - You just spoke English. I was curious, I was curious if maybe, you'd wanna come on my podcast. - Hold on, check this out. Look, I love this video. - Okay. - Do you like that? - Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. - This is a place we can agree on. - That was a trick. - I pull off his mask when he's trying. - I'm gonna change mail. - It's not Nen Yahoo at all. - And I say, I got you, motherfucker. - Wait, hold on, but then I pull off the mask. I'm Nen Yahoo. - And if you have an ugly butthole, it doesn't work. - I don't, hey, I got some bad news for you. - What? - You don't have a beautiful butthole. - My butthole's good. - You got an amazing butthole, but underneath, wait, between, isn't it, don't you have a hairless butthole? - Yeah, it's pretty hairless. - You think you're like that guy from the YouTube video who showed it in four seconds. - I do, I do. - You're not that guy, sorry, sweetie. - Okay, I'm not, that guy's like the cobia that shit. (laughing) - I'm having a clean butthole. - I'm saying, I love the buttholes in the world. I'm probably like D1 college level. - You are 30 years old, do you think it really has held up? Show us right now. - I'm not talking now. - I'm talking back then when it was snatched. I'm not in my prime. - Show us your butthole. - I'm not gonna show you my butthole. - You laugh. - I'm not showing up for the Primo. - You know what, something's changed and something stayed the damn same. That brown eye looks damn fucking identical. Last time I damn saw it in Pomona, California. Damn son of a bitch. You don't have the week off. - I'm taking the week off. - It's fine if you want to say no. - We can roleplay. We can roleplay about this. - Okay. - About this. - All right, so about what? - Just a long train ride. - The confession of. - Okay. - Do you want me to be the mother? - I don't. - Her mother? - Yes, the queen is mother? - You can be the queen. - Where's my daughter? - Hello son. - Hi. - I hear that you're dating my awesome beautiful daughter. - Sir. Sir. - It's an arm. - It's an arm. - Ma'am. - I trust her. - Nothing's happened to her. - Because that would be surely. Surely awful. It's a little bit more. - You're sick. - Have you been our dog? - You're sick. - Oh, do you have any? - Oh! (laughing) - This is pink. - You wanna talk to him? This is what I'm talking about. I'm talking to you, I'm talking to you, I'm talking to you. - You're the talking dog, he doesn't make any sense. - I would like to quickly say, I've been to the kingdom. - I'm tired of you guys fucking with me. - This is weirdly accurate. And we don't have to continue, but when you get there, you're gonna kind of wish we continued. (laughing) - And I feel like a lot of the time when people are unhappy or stressed or sad, they're almost a 99% of the time thinking about something that hasn't happened, something that could happen, or something that already happened to them. It's never like-- - No, or something they can't control. - Yeah, something they can't control, yeah, too. But like, people don't really exist in the present. So that's really, at least where I'm at, I don't know if that sounds crazy. - You're maybe, you're maybe the ideal person to have gotten hit by this trick shot. (laughing) - I'm not gonna let that fuck me up. - No, I didn't get it by the way. She has to be the style of my invention. - Damn, she was over there, she was crazy. (laughing) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - It's a miracle. - The thing about seven sensitivity is like, that's not an easy 360 to get out. - Why don't you even see how you swap to the M9? - Yeah. - Why do you write this shot? - It's not objectively ignoring that it's easy to do. - Seven centimeters. - I mean, objectively, headshot over the bomb. It's a 360 no scope and a $15,000 land tournament. It's ridiculous. - Three. (laughing) - You know, you do even do this in a land tournament like where money's on the line? - Yeah. - Is nuts. You know what I mean? And it was to win the fucking game. - Yeah, in the game. - Come on, bro. - Best day of my life by the way. (laughing) - You know, I should say they're out an email. You know, there's like a fucking pesticide that can kill 80,000 bees on one seed. You put it on one by popcorn and kernel size seed. It kills 80,000 bees. - Isn't that crazy? - Are you being radicalized by people in the street? - Kind of. - Well, like if you were-- - She said that and I said that was just like, there's no way. - Did she ask if you wanted to go to Shen you after? - Yeah, just because they win Jay Sixx for bees happens. Nick is there. - They were-- - Think about that. - One seed, 80,000 bees. - Nick. - Well, your spin is right. We are killing the bees. - Yeah, big time. - And the bees have been at risk. - They've been coming back. You guys are dumb. - These were gone and there were a passive bee enjoyer who saw a headline that bees are coming back and it's like, oh, I won't care anymore. - That's not true. - I don't give a fuck to coming back. - I grew up when bees were-- - Oh, I'm friends with life here. - And it was called today. - It was called today. - It was so called today. - It was so cool. - It was so great. - I know, I know. - Why is it global? - That's his argument. - I know, I know. - I know. - You guys won't even have a life when I was playing with bees and scared of them in the fucking world. - We were in the first 20 years. - You don't need to accept your anecdotal evidence from 50 years ago. - I'm not in the end of the years. - I'm not hearing people say the N-word anymore. - No, no, no. - I'm not hearing it. - That's crazy. - We got to make another bee movie. I think that was part of the company. - That was a big part of it. - That's actually a big part of it. - Faze banks, save the bees. - Yeah, I'm like deadass, like no cap. I know a bee might turn around one day, like a fake like a phony and sting your ass, but like I'm telling you, like you ever look at a flower and then think that shit's kind of important. Like, fuck, like we got to save these bees. No cap, phase up, phase up for the bees. - Oh, I was thinking guys, I think Caleb Pitts, he's been living with me for a couple of weeks. - Yeah. - I think we should have CP on the show. - We should have CP on the show. - Pause, can't call him that. Why, it's his name. - Why? - I think CP could add so much. - So how did you introduce him initially? - Wait, what do you mean? When you started the sentence with. - I think, I think, well, CP has been a part of my life for. - Nope, nope, nope, you saved a couple weeks. - You already said the names, you know what we're talking about. - Yeah, do you know the names clearly? - CP at Caleb now. - And I think introducing these. - Well, it's not confusing 'cause it couldn't be like Chris Paul. - They're the same, it's the same reason we use pronouns. It's like simpler in sentences, you shorten the name. - DP. - That is not the same reason you use pronouns. - It's also not the same amount of syllables. - Drop, drop, drop the alebids. Just CP. - No. - We've already had CP on the show. - I would rather adjust the alebids, I would rather that. - But I think if we have CP on the show again, it can like really broaden our audience. - Child porn. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Dude. - We're digging for bits this hard now. You're saying things like that. - I think, I think you just cut out him talking about it. - Yeah, just about me. - That's me. - You want to cut out me here. - It's weird. - It's weird, it's weird. - You want to cut out me in five minutes and it's just. - I'm trying to bring it on a beloved CP. - I think we should have CP. - Yes. - Well, I think we should have CP on the show. We've had CP for a year. - I didn't even know they fucking made that kind. - We need CP. - I remember my first time hanging out with CP. I was very young. I was very young and I kept doing it forever. - So you guys are fucking doing all along the fucking. - No, we should do this for. - No, we should do. We should cut out everything except for that. It should just cut to that and he says all that. And then we come back. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Jesus Christ. - Whoa. - What kind of content do you want to make? - But. - But. - Just but. - Boy pussy. (laughing) - Cheers. - That's so funny to me. - We've been saying colloquially, we've been saying boy pussy on the side for like eight years. That still gets me. Man, that's good. Oh look guys, I'm not the fucking content. I'm the talent, bro. - Oh. - So we need to come up. - I need some ideas guys. - It's a way that to slide you out. - I would do what that Lily only fans created her girl did. - You mean have sex with a hundred men? - No, I want a thousand men to fuck you. Just run. - I want you to break her record. - They fuck me bald. - Every day she does it. I want you to fuck bald. But her record but bald. - I don't. - Dude, she was like crying at the end. - I was gonna say, I feel like- - We're trying to make money, no? (laughing) All right, and maybe she was crying, but you know what she did the next day? - She got back to fucking work. - God, what did it work? - She won't go. - I hope she rests. - She announced she's doing a thousand. - Oh my, a thousand's too much. - That's just a hundred. - A hundred is all. - A hundred is all. - And she announced a thousand. - A thousand's like, I don't know what she did. - That's what she did. - That's Mrs. Yeast. - I, I, I, I'm trying to change my image. - By having a tampon wearing tampon. - I acknowledge that tampon success. - That's not something that people didn't think you, (clapping) - Thank you very much. Thank you men. (laughing) - And why are there different sizes? - I don't know. - What are the different sizes? - It's one for a boy. - What? - No one help him. - Name the different sizes of tampons. - But biggest. - You're wearing a tampon shirt. - Ginkie, ginkie. - There's none of her butt. - That can't be true. - Buts leak. - Yeah, it's Dutch. - Just give me a couple names for size, like a sizing chart. - Plus. - That seems. - And. (laughing) - Big doll. (laughing) - I mean his thing was basically like, hopping into YouTube chart and being like, top three favorite races. - No, no. - Number one, which we're in Tucky Derby. - Number two. - Which race is the most superior? - Incidentally everyone wants to hear what Ludwig has to say about this. - You get a lot of attention if you leave it. - This is gonna be the same as what I just said. - Yeah, but obviously the punchline is the same, but it turns into, you know, a, something that makes worse. - No race wars. - It's gonna make you money. - Yeah. - Right. - Which one? I like, I like, do racing. - It's the Loan Evie's Skull Shape Invitational. (laughing) Brought to you by Peeb. - Okay. - Loan, it's just biology. (laughing) - And while they were here, they kept talking about how, oh, it's like cool. They're workshoppy, this in the car. It's cool that like I have like this anonymized nickname on the podcast. Like I'm Dr. Nuslan. So like nobody like really knows why. Even though we say say I'm half the time anyway. He's like, so Ben, Ben needs a name like that for the show. And they were like, so we came up with pedophile Ben. - Really? - I'm not wrong. You guys said that. - You guessed it. - That was my actual view. - No, I did not know this. - That's crazy. - The first thing I thought was pedophile Ben. - You said pedophile Ben, so that's how I was so fast to join. Did I already think he had no? - You guys literally guessed. - That's great. - 'Cause they were like, it's so fun. It's like one of your friends. - We need an anonymized name so that nobody knows who Ben really is. - Yeah. - But he's easy with easily seducible for another character called pedophile Ben. - Pedophile Ben, man. - They like pitched this to me. - And so what did pedophile Ben get down with? Did he play some mini golf? - You should have probably seen it. You would have loved it that way. (laughing) - You should have found Ben with the ropes. - Pedophile Ben. - Pedophile Ben didn't crush us at mini golf. I had to kind of lead on. - He's gonna charge us. - I bet. - Get him on him regular golf, he's lost, but. - No, that looks so bad. That looks so hot. - It looks so hot. - Wait, so what was the surgery for again? - I've receding gums. - It looks good, honestly. - Where do they get the gums from? - Popped them from my mouth. - You never listen. - They got it from my nuts. - They didn't take it from my nuts. Dude, nut skin on your gums would be so funny. - If they were like, hey, it's a procedure that's completely painless. It's like, it's like, you know, it's like dead skin. But they offered you to get it from your nuts or the roof of your mouth. - My nuts. - Would you take your nuts? - Instant milk. - Would you take Ludwig's nuts? - Instant milk. - Donate my nuts for his. - So funny. - Donate my nuts for him. - I'll donate my nuts for him. - Do we? Slime wakes up from surgery. He's like, what happened? It's like, you survived. It's like, with the help of a donation. You go over, it's the three of us. We're on hospital beds with big bandages on our dicks. (laughing) - That's horrible. (laughing) [BLANK_AUDIO] they're all the time to live. What do you buy from GLD Tyler? Jewelry. (laughing) - That's a stupid question. - That's right. - That's a stupid question. - For a limited time only, new customers are getting an insane deal. Use code ARD at 50% off, plus a free chain. Do you hear that kiddo? - Oh, free chain. - Oh, I didn't make it, or I get my chain back. - And you can't get it snatched this time. 'Cause it's very, very amazing. - Well, it's easy to take it. - Well, he could still get snatched. - It's 50% off and a free chain with code ARDGLD.com. It's GLD.com, use code ARDGLD. - You know what, if you're a gangster, come get it. (laughing) You know what, if you're a gangster crit, if you want nicks, come fucking get it this time. - If you want nicks, and I'm gonna be ready this time. - Maybe put up like a Craigslist ad. - Craigslist ad. - GLD.com, use code Yard. - It's our set, and you can come fucking get it this time. - I think racism's gone. And I ended with David Gettas, DJ set. - Really? - That's a good point. - Oh, he did it. - He did end it. - He did end it. - He ended racism. - I forgot about that. - And how we gonna move on after that? - Who is David Gettah? - What? - Are you serious? - I'm not, are you? - I'm not. I promise. - I promise I'm not joking. - You're easy to be real. - He's a robot YouTuber. - Is he right? - Yeah. - Oh, he's a white white stupid. He started doing music, and he got pretty big. - He kicked it off of Roblox, and he's like a bober, and I'm Roblox guy. - Yeah. - Hell traces. - Yeah. - Or maybe Joe G's better, but Joe G's a little bit better, but he's bigger than Joe G. - He's a little better. - He's bigger than Joe G. - He's a smaller YouTuber but bigger artist. - He was bigger than Joe G. When he did Roblox. - If you look up David Gettah, Spotify, so you can see his stream numbers. - Yeah. - Did he get a job? I don't know who this guy is, for real. - What in the fuck? Two billion plays? - Yeah. I'm good. I don't know anything about, what does he look like? - He looks like that one right there. - He's on the left. - He's on the left. - Yeah, he's older now. - He's been doing that shit since Roblox came out, bro middle school, eight vibes. - He's like critical. - He was like our age of Roblox drops. - Yeah. He's older though. - How old is David Gettah? - He's 57. - He's 57? - Yeah. - He's old. - How was he on Roblox? - Well look at him. - He was old. - He was old on the older side of those YouTubers, but like, so it was, PewDiePie's pretty old too. - 19 years old. - Yeah. - He was 38 when Roblox came out. - Dude, there's still time. - Like, you could start a Roblox channel to, I mean Roblox, maybe you maybe want to pick a new one. - No, Roblox, yeah. - Sure, you could start a Roblox channel today. - Roblox and you could be David Gettah on DJ. - 19 years. - And he did a, and he solved racism? - Do you, have you never seen the video? - No. - The solve racism. - David Gettah, Cod and I, Joe. - No. - In honor of George Floyd. And I really hope we can see more unity and more peace. - When already things are so difficult. - (laughs) - So, shout out to his family. (upbeat music) - Wait. - Is this real? That's real? - Yeah, that's David Gettah, yeah. - He literally played hamster dance after he said that. - The clip is real. - The clip is real. It's just, it is an insane clip, is it not? - And people are, people think this, okay. - You know what? - What do I know? - I didn't know David Gettah was, I've noticed that he racers him since. - Yeah. (laughing) - That sucks. - Yeah, that sucks. - You gotta report that, 'cause I haven't seen that yet. - Yeah, that's my fault. - I got it. - I got a call. - I really tried to run out of it. - See some of you say something. - Well, this goes back to the old riddle, you know. There's this. - Go back to the old riddle. - The old riddle. - Of course. - I would love it, sorry. - I can't help it. - I can't help it. - You can't tell the old riddle. (laughing) - There's a mercenary in the middle of a room. In front of him is a priest, a rich man, and a king. And the question is, who does, who has the power over the mercenary? - Who's the second one in the priest? - A priest, a rich man, and a king. - And who? - It's a trick. The mercenary holds all the power. - That's right, bitch. - And you have two, I can believe it. - Oh, oh, oh shit. - By the way, you fucking assholes. - I cannot believe, I sat here. - Guys, just excellent work. - For 10 minutes straight. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, you're dumb as fuck. - Round of boss ass. We all held very straight. - I was three, seven year old. - Roblox, you super David get up. - You could see when Zipper pulls up the Spotify streams. I almost break. I'm so close. - Yeah, I realized in the middle of that bit that I was like, this is how you handle slime. - What? - What are you talking about? - 'Cause slime's like, who's that? - I'm not trying to be a dick. - That'd be nice. - I never heard it. And we're always like, whoa, you ever heard of whoo. And instead, we just lied. - I've made more pizzas in here. - Do you realize that? Like, I'm not even close. - Let's say our number three. - Let's say our number's three. - Let's say our number's on three. - Okay. - Do you got your number? - Yeah. - One, two, three, a million. - Seven hundred. - So, I fucking destroyed it. - You had a million pizzas. - I've made one million pizzas. - Were they all at home? - No. - Where were the other ones? - My name is Square Market. You made a whole million pizzas. - I mean, a million pizzas. - Well, it was, it was, it was school pictures. - Well, I almost put on the news. - It was, yeah, it was. - It would be like when the city gets together to make the biggest pizza ever. - It was the Hollis Procline Pizza Festival and at the last year. - And you don't get a lot of homeless teachers pulled out. And I was the only one working that day. - Ready for the homeless? - They go, let it wig, whoa, there's no homeless. - There's no homeless. - There's no homeless where you're filmed. - No homeless. - Oh my gosh. - Because of all the pizza you make. - Boy, save all the homeless people. - Yes. - There's a pizza access and they give to the homeless and it's all the homeless crisis. - Mike, are you probably, well, you mentioned millions of knowledge made millions of pizzas for the homeless. - I think so. - Because I didn't see this. - God, you told World Hunger we should get you involved in the government. - It's easier on a smaller scale. But you got to think local at, at a local. - I should learn from you. - I think it sounds like you have a lot to learn. - Yeah. - It sounds like you have a lot to learn. - You came in here thinking you were like a big man. - Sounds like you were a rapper. - I thought you were catching up. - Yeah. - And that's the thing, it's not about catching up. - What is it about? - It's about loving the process. - Giving back to the process. - It's gonna be the millionth. - It's each one is your best. - Yes, live life life. - That's right. - So it will be the millionth. - The pizza's the last. - I like that. - That's hard. - God. - That's beautiful. - So much to learn. - What is that about? - I wanna shake your hand, that was really, that was your special guy. - I didn't realize he worked so hard and all the people who served. Thank you. - Toadette implies a sex to these creatures. Which implies back shots. - That's such a leap. - It's tough. - How is it a leap? - Toad and toadette, back shots. - Why does the woman imply sex? - He doesn't toad, the problem, toad doesn't have, - Well, I was just, toad doesn't have sex. - Toad doesn't have sex. - I think that's more of a leap. - So hitting the back shot, there's not a lot of movement in the back. - Okay, but like the existence of a female worm is not imply the existence of worm back shots. - No, that's different though. - I think it literally does. - It literally does it. - Dissexual dimorphism is about back shots. - It's not always about back shots. You know what, I had to go deep down the animal kingdom 'cause it's a lot of my back shots. - Shut up dude. - Shut up. - I'm not a back shot guy. - You're not strong or fast. - I'll run you. - The two metrics, you're the slowest on the show. - But I'm way strong. - Are you the slowest on the show? - Hmm, it's possible, but I would put it to the test. - We do need to do the Columbine. - Nope. - No. - No. - We don't need to do that. - There's also too many of us. - We just need to do that. - We have twice the amount of people here for that. - Double Columbine. - And it's out. - Columbine. - Columbine. - Thank you. I appreciate it.