Best of "Guam" (Compilation)

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Subject to change. - Hank joined BJ's Wholesale Club the day he became a father of 30. - I coach football. - Now, Coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices, 30 pounds of pasta, three cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. - And that's just pregame. - He knows teamwork, and BJ's knows savings. This is your home, Coach, home of the save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com/mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New member. Members only. BJ's, home of the save. - This episode of Distractible is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. - The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet according to the experts at Ookla Speedtest. - So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com/homeinternet to check availability. - Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speedtest. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. - Guam, Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - Guam. - I'm here in Guam. - What are you doing right now? - Something stupid. - Yeah, I agree. - I'm getting out of here. - Let's leave. You and me, Wade. Three, two, one. - Whoever leaves first wins. - Wade is clearly right there. Now, neither of you left. - Editors, send me to Guam. - Who's Guam? - I don't know what Guam looked like. - I'm in Guam. - Put me in Guam. - Yeah, I have no idea what that, why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater. - Put me in Guam. - Look at all this Guam. Is that offensive? - No idea, probably. - I feel offended. - You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach. - Oh, pretty close. - Guam is a US island territory in Micronesia. - 'Cause I know there's a military, a lot of military presence and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there and that's actually where he spent all of COVID. - Oh, these guys are, they know the future. Guam's World War III significant. Oh wait, that's two. That's a two. I can read. - Wait, no, read that article. It was there for a blip. - Yeah, you gotta remember it. - Guam's World War III significance is on view and coming soon. - Oh God. - I made that last part up. Oh, I thought it was not a boob. - North American boobs. - Woo, yeah, American boob, bam, bam, bam. - Editors, black out his, his camera for a little bit? - No, I was gonna say editors, snip that out and send it to Molly. - American boobs, woo. Molly, let me feed. - Yeah, okay, now black screen, black out Wade and Mark and I will just talk for a minute. - Fade me out, fade me out. All right, perfect, that'll be worth it. All right, anyway, so Bob, listeners, there's nothing you're missing. I swear to God, there's no reason to be any kind of upset. - Wade, your shoulder's still in shot. - Wade, you can come back now. - I'm not gonna be mad at you. I don't know what I just flashed on there. - Editors, make sure it's horror. put it in guam uh you influenced me and it's awesome anyway whatever shut up shut up shut up the both of you i'm not living i'm agreeing with you mark you're right shut up shut up i'm not living any younger wait disappear anyway that was my car buying experience it was fine it actually really smooth uh-huh so we know this never happened okay because that's not how you got your car it was on a boat that sank you swam down to get it out and you drove it out from atlantis i thought it was on a boat that sank thankfully it was not and someone on the subreddit will provide a picture that is just as realistic as yours of this occurrence that i'm describing so we won't know what to believe subreddit get on that defend me i've never said that before in my life i don't know if you have specifically subreddit defend me maybe you haven't said yeah subreddit redrawn me subreddit put wade's car in guam it's a convertible all the guam's getting in it probably was probably was guam isn't guam a place i'm thinking guacamole which one's which oh same thing sorry guam guam's gonna be real pissed when they hear this he called us guacamole wade called you guacamole just to be clear hey actually look listen we don't have to oh okay hang on okay it's the next one after this current episode i almost got handshuck i wasn't listening i didn't hear none of that bob you want to do a deal all right yeah mark mark's gone let's make a handshake deal editors peace mark out fade him out oh no yeah adam savage is a bastard and having tools with an arm reach is dumb and also a little beta behavior let's be honest yeah yeah pretty much adam we know you're a big fan of the show i'm sorry we're not a big fan of you get out uh well i don't know hey i'm not with him we all speak for each other here editors put him on an island because he's alone put him in guam oh i'm here i'm so sad why guam was the ocean it's fine it's not important it's fine the lost city of guam also known as atlantis apparently a counterpoint oh yeah the eliminati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything even our music that hit song named after the color of lemons not a coincidence big lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years think about it but now seven up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda now lime comes first seven up flip the sip i guess i should be going like this oh no i should not do this towards myself i want to throw this out there what the fuck why do you have a knife oh hi wade you missed out on a lot i clearly did a knife fight right now uh well don't worry it won't matter because i'm the only one who matters here is the host uh and i'm not going to be the only one who matters here is the host uh and i'm the only one who matters here is the host uh and i'm not going to be the only one who matters put wade between us my left mark's right don't do it there's points on the line you wouldn't you shouldn't wait are we stabbing the cricket should i step this way everywhere in all directions get him it's all me always has been i'm cutting myself out of this podcast i'm going to guam hi guam i'm just in my office i didn't go to guam thought you guys could get away fire if i say warmer it'll misguide you so i'll say colder oh fire is clearly hot you idiot you got me you're right fucking editors kill me editors kill him in guam i wish i had time for games one day you'll be your own boss and you can do it what you want to do i hope so it's almost done though right yeah actually i like how people on the subreddit of my subreddit are just sometimes like if it's almost done like he says well like what am i do what do they think i'm doing jerking off in cancun it's guam let's go for a walk boys oh man i went early he's gonna know how to he's gonna know how to beat this yeah look like here's my hobbit hole keep it up mark he'll eventually play hang on i'll catch on hang on wait do it again you don't get to see what i got i already i already rolled oh he played eeny meeny miny moe but with rock paper and scissors it looks like track this editors peace me out paper you win i'm gonna put on the wheel up preemptively mentioned mark's height the most i'm winning wait is that good or do you lose a point for that one yeah we don't have many minus points so let's make that a minus that'll be a minus kind of like when our heights are compared huh i don't know just laugh no one's laughing editors no please take the studio out of here would you like me to do phone things yeah can you look up what the origin of buck peg is we could transition this to a restaurant it didn't work guys it didn't work i brought it back so i was the first call back right oh mark accidentally pieced himself away editors mark needs to be invisible now that's gonna be a rule the next council if you ever make this you have to just your camera has to disappear if you happen to do this for some reason you peace out he excitedly wheeled around to try and catch the plans that i tossed and he smacked his head on the wall of the jail and collapsed into a heap and then if in the background you see a trapo to clarify when you say wheeled around he's not in a wheelchair is he no no he that's a phrase that no no he was like that it means to turn around quickly isn't it it's a picture it didn't trapo just for some reason wheelchair that's not funny by the way all right put mark a glob fortunately i knew of one power that could get me out of this situation i raised one finger first this finger and then i raise the other to the security camera and i say editors put me in guam the teleporter activates and i zip out of there unfortunately guam is located at the deepest depths of the marianas trench as far as i know so i found myself trapped in the depths of the ocean fortunately i was a live streamer who had a 24 7 stream going on and my views were jumping like you would if you didn't know what i was talking about at the beginning of the video i was like why are you jumping like you wouldn't if you didn't know what i was talking about at the beginning of the video i was like why are you jumping like you wouldn't if you didn't know what i was talking about at the beginning of the video i was like why are you believe all i had to do was escape mariana's trench and i would be cemented as better than entrappo unfortunately due to some uh past misjudgments and misdeeds on my part the only platform i was still allowed to stream on was x fortunately after i failed my escape attempt and died grok will be able to keep me alive in people's memories escaping random bullshit nonsense forever thanks ai editor's note grok did not actually help mark in guam little do you know he didn't help him in guam he just recreated his likeness so that he could live on forever i feel like grok's the no-but of improv isn't it in a way in a way in a way everyone needs that mark you got points for besteka mctriple no not that you got points for besteka mctriple no not that smorgasbord look at all this guam handsome point treaty of westphalia tungsten full of cream devastation without everyone in it only two two up my ass and kill me fucking kill me that's the episode congratulations wayne thanks man is this winter speech time or yeah i would like all you to inject your speeches with another disclaimer to not do anything that we're receiving remotely we weren't even suggesting it it's all dumb yeah if you research chemicals then all right that might be the worst winter speech i've ever heard in the history of this podcast um bob you did it you're the victor and i'll prove it to you by telling wade to go ahead and give his loser speech already hurry up and now the end is near and so i face my final curtain my friends no song lyrics i lost i'm over it i was funny peace you and i'm dead i'm dead in guam put me floating in guam uh all right well thank you guys that was a all right there he goes that was an entertaining episode uh bob goes from not even being here at the beginning of the episode to not even being here at the beginning of the episode to not even being here at the beginning of the episode so that's it for this episode i hope you enjoyed it and i'll see you guys in the next one bye bye episode two, Taking It All, and I think that is. Hey, and Wade left. And now Wade's gone. It ends as it began. Thank you, Bob, who is also known as MySkirm on YouTube and Twitch. Wade, thank you, LordMinion777 or Minion777 on Twitch and YouTube. Thank you, everybody, so much for being a part of this podcast experience. Be sure to follow it or we'll kill you. Have a good day. Podcast out. So any last words? Do we, what is the deal with this? Are we, like, deleting our channels or how serious is this? Because loser deletes their channel. I've got a good feeling about this one. Last words, is that what you said? Mm-hmm. For those only listening, Wade made a peace sign. Which means fade me out. Can we have Little Lixian on the show or is that a Your Channel exclusive type deal? No, he goes wherever you watch. But you might have 50, 50 chance of getting Lunky, though. That's the danger. All right. And that's your winner's speech, Bob. Oh, it's really sad to see it all come to an end this way. But in a way, it's also really good. We're back, we're full circle, back where we started, eating chicken and dumplings like old times. More like the one old time, anyway. Just wait for the next skit video on Not Mark's channel until he's deleting it, called The Rise of Slender Man. We're going to smear peanut butter all over somebody's face and they're going to be the king of the somethings. We'll work it out later. Mm-hmm. Anyway, editors, this blowed all up. So we're done. Podcast out. Are you Guam-ing, Mark? Yeah, are we Guam-ing? Uh, what happens when I do two? Do I go double Guam? You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam. Take me to double Guam! Wow. Double Guam. You know, the editor's just like, what the fuck, this is double Guam. All right, anyway, we're out of here. Peace. Podcast out. That's it. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. offer new members only BJ's home of the save.