Bert Wants To Shower With The Dominican Baseball Team | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% All right welcome to a new episode at two bears one cave Bert You're in an all-new studio decked out in your Tampa Bay raise gear. I'm a good enough charm I'm in Tampa. Yeah, I went to the race game last night. You went to the race game You're a big raise fan grew up a raise fan group of raised fans. Who's your favorite player? Yandy Yandy Is he Dominican? Yeah, he is a fucking beast. I want to see that guy naked so bad He is a fucking unit Tom. He walked by last night, and his name is yondi I don't know if he speaks English or not. He didn't make eye contact with me. His traps. Yeah, are fucking massive and then I as See him pull up yondi his he what oh my god You got a DDS typing yondi's yondi DS shirtless All I know is I I was like staring him I was I was I fucking him and someone one of the equipment guys goes he eats a steak after every game Look at this fucking guy He was muscling through his uniform I got to tell you is he Dominican am I am I right? He plays baseball in the United States. I'm guessing he is. I mean, there's other countries, but I was just curious. Oh Cuban Oh school. Yeah, you know, it's crazy. I I would love if if we could get confirmation on this again So a number of years ago. I was told by multiple major league players multiple yes that When it comes to showering in an MLB shower across the league It is standard that Dominicans shower separately because they fuck around too much and everyone's like no You guys do your own thing and I asked I asked a Couple of players and they were like no they slapped their dicks around They're always like grab assing and dick slapping and and they're like they're just it's just a standard thing It's not obviously an official rule, but I was told that But that players are like you guys do your own thing and the shower separately I've ever heard in my fucking life Please and please if that's true get me in a Dominican shower I want to shower with the national Dominican baseball team. You would love it. I fucking would love that shit Yeah, holy crap dude. Yeah, would you fluff? Would you fluff before I have always fluffed before I go into a shower But how do you do it? Do you go into stall first? I do a little bit Yeah, I'll go into the bathroom stall by myself, but mostly I'll just do like a little just a little pump like You know just it started. It started in ninth grade in ninth grade when they told us all the shower They were like everyone hit the showers and I looked in the showers and there were 18 year old men in there Yeah, it's so intimidating It's so Intimidating and it's funny because our class no one wanted to get sure we'll get take their pants off everyone was waiting To see the first dick because the first dick then that dictates well if I'm bigger than that then I'll take my pants off Yeah, yeah, it's like it's like Texas hold them if you're like when I transfer dude from my transfer at high schools The high school I transferred to Guys were showering in their boxers. Oh, oh eighth grade. They did that eighth grade. Yeah, when it was like What is happening here? And then Eventually some guys would obviously take their boxers off and some of them had some thigh slappers and then People put on two pairs of boxers. Who do you think who do you think likes big chicks more men or women? Who like I think men are more well, here's the thing. I think men are more honest about it I think I think women amongst themselves have their own conversations to us They'll be like you guys are so obsessed and like you guys always tell you that's on you But then on their own, I think it's probably like hey, I was with this guy and it was amazing and his big fucking hog But guys are just like that's incredible like guys admire more openly. It's like it's like you People in America about race versus people in the UK about race They're always like you're obsessed with it. It's all you guys talk about you like no, we're fucking honest about it We're honest you guys are honest you were honest about men's physiques right because like men will be like look at this fucking guy Look at this fucking guy right and then women will go on this this thing about like I like a dad bod I just I like a guy that's got like a little cushion to them But then if the right perfect looking guy walks by they'll be like this guy's gorgeous and you're like yeah That's what we were saying all along. I could not stop staring at Yandhi Diaz and he walked by me three or four times And this is gonna sound a tad bit creepy, but I got to say this so Tyler Glass knows what's there. He's a picture further He used to pitch for the raise and he pitches now for the for the Dodgers and I've seen him I follow him on Instagram. We've DM'd each other, but we've never really met and I saw him walk by last night He was with his wife his wife has to be I'm guessing eight months pregnant and his wife rocked the Fucking hottest pregnant belly. I've ever seen in my fucking life She had a cholo button up and she had it opened up and And belly going through the shirt one button at the top and belly out the shirt like and I was like I've never seen a hotter pregnant look in my fucking life I was dude. I I tried it out today with my belly to see if it will work for me and And it didn't it doesn't have the same effect. No, I can't imagine why I can't imagine why I didn't I actually I got to Be honest with you. I didn't even see her face. I introduced myself. I was so taken back by how hot that belly was And I lose this Tyler Glass knows he's a I'm fucking his last name up. I'm sure he's a picture for the for the Dodgers He's like six seven. He's he's he's he's incredible Tyler Glass now So go go to his wife type in his wife and see if you can see your pregnant. I don't I didn't even look at her face, dude she looked so incredible pregnant and I was like blown away. Yeah Yeah, I like that like that like that like that. Yeah, she was rocking like that last night and I was like dude fucking so I'm so angry at Leanne who just wore fucking maternity pants the whole time She never fucking rocked her belly like that. She was out and you love it. Dude. I'm telling you right now That's a look. I don't know. I mean, that's like a it does actually funny thing is it actually reminds me of you That does what I think of the first thing I fucking thought was I can't believe I haven't done this before You should do something like that, I think maybe for like a promo Yeah, and then get a tall guy to do that to you put his arms around you and kiss your head He's a fucking unit two man. Yeah, yeah, six seven. So look somebody somebody listening to this either Is in Major League Baseball or is it like has a cousin or brother or somebody you got to find this out for us You got to confirm the shower thing for us. Please please please please and then please and then I Absolutely, I'm gonna find the Dominican national baseball team and Ass in the shower and just go. Hey, he's a cool. If I shower with you guys, dude They're gonna laugh and be like absolutely. Yes They're if the if the rumors are true. They're gonna be on your feet and they're gonna they're gonna smack their bitch on your ass and laugh You gotta do it. Please do it and come back with a full report. That would be my first only fans post. Oh my god Oh, we have to remind people the the 5k Nashville is gonna be fucking Crazy two bears 5k.com register now It's gonna be in Nashville on April 10th. Am I right on that? Yeah, April 10th It's gonna be nuts. It's gonna be our biggest one So many people comedians athletes country music stars all types of folks are gonna be there and they've all been a Blast they've always been just the greatest sense of like community and fun It is a full party. We have recovery stations. We have entertainment. It's so fucking fun And I gotta tell you I've been on the CMAs. I have a ton of friends in Nashville We know busting with the boys out there Theos out there Bargotsie's out there. Jelly. Obviously is you know He's like a brother to us, but all of all of the country guys. I know Ernest We're gonna get Morgan Wallin out there. I don't know him, but I know Shane probably does so I'm sure Shane can get him out Shane will come out. I'm sure he texted me last night. I'm training for the 5k I got a lot. Shane by the way, I texted Shane. He looks fucking great. Have you seen him lately? Yeah, he trimmed down fucking great He trimmed down dude Last time we did this I predicted that the new White House press secretary would last less than three months and and it was five days. - Five days. - Five days. Anyone excited to do their expense reports this month? No, didn't think so. Today's episode is sponsored by Victor. He's not an automated chatbot. He's an actual AI employee. And he specializes in taking all the mind numbing tasks like expense reports off your plate. He's added a slack or Microsoft Teams like any other new hire. That way he knows your company and workflows. So the whole team can benefit from him being there. All those invoices, uber charges and photos of crumpled receipts from sad airport dinners, Victor's got it covered. Just tell him to do your expense report and he matches every charge to the corresponding card statement, flags the ones that are MIA and brings you the report in minutes, not hours. Take it from us. 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I know and I just got into Pokemon cards. Why are you into Pokemon cards? I'm just looking for an addiction man. Something new. Something new. You know, you pull these. This, so this is what it's called. I'm, I'm here, this is where I'm shooting. I'm here at coastal cards. And, and they have the, like, this is what everyone's into, right? Everyone is obsessed with this. This is what I guess Bitcoin was going to be. Is now this. Yeah. So I thought I'll pull five cards. I got six cards. We should get your little jits into these, Tom. Uh-huh. Your jits like these? They, I don't think they're really into Pokemon cards now. For real? No, they're just obsessed with, uh, are you going to let us play GTA 6 or what, man? I'm like, no. That's it. That's all they talk about. So how do you open these? Just open it? You just rip it? The bird is into Pokemon cards. All right. I guess you don't bend them. Okay. How many did you buy? It's $70 worth. Six cards. Six packs. Ta-da! Is that a good one? No. None of these are. Do you have five cards in here? Nothing good. Nothing good. That's a fucking waste. So the people like this? And what is, what do they like about this? You tell me if I got a 4000. You're not going to do what they did and stripes and go bluff me. Bluff me. Okay. Ready, Tom? $4,000 card. Okay. Nothing. Fucking nothing. This is not quite as fun when you don't know what you're doing. It's your second one you're doing. Yeah, that probably. Can I tell you something? Please, go ahead. I'll remember the cards. Drop five grand on packs today. Okay. That's what you'll have fun. Okay. Do you have five grand worth of cards? You have a million dollars worth of cards in there? Yeah. Do that. If I get drop five grand, I'll probably definitely make four grand, right? Oh, shit. What about this one? Nothing? Nothing. This is nothing. This is compelling to us. This is. So people do. No, this is like big business, Tom. People might. I understand. I know. You know, bustin' with the boys? Yeah. Taylor does this all day long. He does this and Zinn. Yeah. He goes to Dana's house. They gamble. And he pulls cards. And this is like. Does he know what he's looking for? I guess it's. Okay. Ready? I'll tell you if I got anything good. Ooh. A Hyperion. I got a Pikachu. That's a dollar. That's a dollar. That's a dollar. Okay. Hold on. Take a look at these. Is there anything in this one? There's fucking nothing in here. It's your third or fourth pack, man. I know. What the fuck? I spent 70 bucks on this. Well, I'm saying. I will have one dollar back. Buy 200 packs. I'm not gonna fucking sit and rip packs on the plane all day. If this gave me the same buzz as drinking. Last pack magic. Last pack magic. Last pack magic. Come on, baby. I want to do what I want to do is cut it with scissors. And then go. Oh, fuck. Last pack magic. Come on, Pokemon. To all you collectors right now, just Rip and Cart was like slang. Rip and. Rip and. Rip and. Rip and. Packs. Ooh. Here we go. And. I got one. How much? 20 bucks. Okay. Which one? The me hour? The cat. The cat. So what did. Wait. Can you. Will you buy a couple hundred packs? Yeah. Yeah. On your way out of there? Yeah, I'll buy. Yeah, how much. How much shall I spend? $8,000 for a single pack. What the fuck's in it? This. It's so interesting. How is the pack? How do you know if you have an open. Like, how do you know that the packs worth something? Because it must have been the last pack in a big bunch of packs. It was very old. It was very old. It's very old. It's really fascinating to me. Obviously, I'm. There's people that are really into this. I never try to shit on something people are into. Whatever you're into, I think that's cool as shit. I'd love to be into this. But I don't know. I would have to have watched. Is Pokemon's a TV show? Yeah. And I would have to have watched Pokemon to know what I'm looking for. Yeah, but you could start doing a deep dive. This is a good thing for a 54-year-old guy to get into. I mean, I'm probably better at scratch-offs than I am. You're good at that for sure. You're from Tampa. Yeah. I mean. It's your DNA. And your kids don't get it. So, I'm gonna buy. I'm gonna buy a thousand dollars worth of cards today. Okay? Five. Five thousand dollars? Yeah. I'm gonna buy $5,000. with the cards. - Let's see what you can get, man. - And then I'm gonna have to open him in front of someone who knows what they're looking for, 'cause I don't know what the fuck I'm looking for. Jake Paul's really, or Logan Paul's really into this. - Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that. - I bet he just watched the whole thing we just did, and was like, "Come on, baby, come on, baby." He has like a million dollar folk, right? Or more, like someone he's got a Pokemon card. I saw it, I think I saw it on him. And it's a necklace. It's a Pikachu. - It's a Pikachu necklace. - Yeah, it's a Pikachu necklace. - You with your energy, you could pull off a Pikachu medallion. You definitely could pull that off. If you started doing your shows wearing a Pikachu medallion, that'd be a cool move. - Oh, can I tell you, Tom? - Not to pivot, but I think you're buddy, your buddy, Netanyahu, might be losing power. Is that what you're talking about? - That's not what I'm talking about. - No. - Oh. - You don't know, we don't know what's going to happen. - What? - I love what I was going to say. Oh man. Man. The, did you see Netanyahu like Burger King more than McDonald's? - He does? Is that a thing? He came out with that. - Trying to appeal to some. - I saw a clip of Stavvy and Sodor shitting on the Nelk boys, right? 'Cause the Nelk boys had Netanyahu on. - They did? (laughing) - Oh no. And they asked him if he liked Burger King and McDonald's better. And which, okay, I found to be the most engaging question in the world. And my fucking Stavvy and Sodor like he's a fucking war criminal and they're asking him about Burger King. I'm watching going, which one does he like? (laughing) - Of course. I was like so engaged and I was like, dude, Burger King cheeseburgers fucking rock. - Are you a Burger King guy? - A hundred percent. The only thing Burger King fucked up. I love a Whopper with Cheese. Double Whopper with Cheese. Their chicken sandwich. Their cheeseburgers are fucking incredible. Their fries suck. I hate Burger King fries, but they offer onion rings. So easy peasy. McDonald's is like a go-to. I will never say no to McDonald's. - Who was that? - This is it. This is it. - That McDonald's. - No, okay, Burger King. We did the, you know, the double, you know. - Whopper. - I haven't ripped Burger King in a long time. - It's not Burger King kind of sucks. - Yeah. - No. - The beacon lounge can hit you. - I disagree completely. - You like Burger King over McDonald's? - Absolutely. - That's your worst take. - Absolutely. - That's a crazy take. - No, that's fine. I like Burger King. - Of everything you've said or done. - Burger King over McDonald's is your worst take. - That's what Stavya and Soda were saying. They were like, that's your worst take. - But you're like, here's a deal. Not to be, I don't know, look, once again, I don't like to fucking, I don't want to, I'm not, I don't see things negative sometimes. I'm a little bit of an idiot. I'm not a contrarian. But like, I don't think the Nelk boys are prepared to ask so the hard quitting, hitting questions. - No shit. - Really? - So, I mean, that's, I think the problem is like, you know, but I guess the real issue is it's the Jimmy Kimmel scruffing up Trump's hair type shit, you know? Like when he did that to Trump, it people were outraged because-- - That was Jimmy Fallon. - Jimmy Fallon. I'm definitely not Jimmy Kimmel. I'm sorry. - Yeah. - But it was, it's humanizing the person. They don't want to humanize the person. And what's so funny is I do understand that because I'm watching that thing with Netanyahu and all I, and I don't know anything about Netanyahu, I know, I mean, I don't follow things. - Yeah, things. - I have, I have an idea, but I'm not getting into that. But all the immediate was like, me too. Like, oh, I'm like him, I like Burger King also. Like it is humanizing the man. - Yeah, that's how that works, yeah? Yeah, you're right, yeah. - That's why I don't have politicians on. - That's why? - That's why. - I mean, a bird, a bird political podcast might be a hit. - You're like, do you repeat your toes? I do. - I do. - I know you do. - Oh, I could be asking you. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People will be like, the fuck is he asking him that for? You see that, like I guess it's not a huge surprise, but three or four guys came out and said they were hired to fuck Lindsey Graham. They were like, they were like, I used to fuck Lindsey Graham. I mean, everybody obviously knew he was a, you know, a fucking cock gobbler or whatever, but they, it's funny to hear these guys. - I love this new Tom version. I don't know what happened to you or I'm having an idea, but you have been fucking killing me lately. I have not had more fun around you. I'm like, I wanna start spending time with you. - Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, we could do that. We could do that, especially after your post Dominican shower. I wanna get that, I wanna get the exclusive on that. - I really want that. - What if, what if we do a Dominican shower and you are like the commentator, you wanna have a-- - That's a great idea. I'll sit in the stall that has a direct view into the shower and just commentate. I would love that. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes on two bears, I say something, I regret. Luckily, I can edit it out. But when I do live radio, I cannot. And I am the same person who says things that he regrets. And I've done that a lot. And I would sit in my hotel room and say, "Oh, what did I do that?" I would obsess about it. It would ruin my day. I would obsess, and then I'd wait. I'd wait for the hammer to come down. The moment for me to get canceled, the moment for it to get a call from the network and say, "That's it, we're done with you. No more money." And I wish I could get that out of my head. I'm gotten so much better with that through therapy because I dealt with it. I start to identify that this is me over thinking something. That's the beauty about therapy. If you're not in therapy, you should get in therapy. I subscribe to therapy more than anything in life. It has helped me so much. Better Help Therapists are licensed experience professionals, such as psychologists, marriage and family therapist, social workers and counselors. They have at least three years and a thousand hours of hands-on experience and have the required education, training and exams and practice. Better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. With insurance, many members pay $15 or less. Some pay zero. Short questionnaires gonna help you identify your needs and preferences and their 10 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate. Means they typically get it right the first time. 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Let's pull up his story. This is a, I like how someone says, a woman who grew up with him says he's dangerous. We figured that part out. Authorities have located the truck allegedly stolen by convicted murderer who escaped prison in Tennessee but his location remains unknown. The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations announced Tuesday the truck was found in Marion, Illinois amid the search for the escape. Jacob Morley, according to the TBI, a local resident who has been seen on the report, blah, blah, blah, let's scroll, scroll. He's serving, oh, it's Tennessee. I thought I said Tallahassee, it's Tennessee. Morley, who is serving a life sentence escape from the Northwest Correctional Complex and tipped and built over the weekend. and what was his? Crime. How does he escape? He murdered Cody Birchfield in February of 22. He concealed the body beneath his house. That's a fucking dars. That's a varsity move Let's see if you fled from police. They trumped it to arrest him. He led officers on a high-speed chase Crash his vehicle ran in the woods and he was captured by a canine unit He was convicted of murder first degree murder along with aggravated burglary burglary evidence tampering and evading arrest and banalism How did he he escaped by breaching the prisons perimeter fence? That is Was it a is it a state prison or a federal prison? I believe that's a state Northwest correctional complex. That's probably a state prison in Tennessee. That is really crazy men. How do you think you could escape prison? It depends on the level of prison. I just, you know, we shot at a prison in the movie last month and Well, god, we're shooting at this jail and then as we're like on the way to set. They're like, yeah, it's an active prison I'm like, wait, what and they're like, yeah, this is like an active place. There's prisoners and I was like How does that work? And they're like well, there's parts of it that are shut down like oh, that's cool and at one point We were first we shot exterior stuff Yeah, it's like you're and then you see a cast Guards like they're playing the circuit like prison guard. Yeah, and then there's real ones standing around as well So you're like that guy's real that guy's not at one point somebody on set went like clap like that and then from inside the jail you heard Which we were like oh, that's like a signal Holy shit clapped out a signal and then we shot in the Interior in a part that was closed off and I guess they do that because it drives revenue and it was So fucked up. I mean you could just you could see that it used to be used and it is it was a fucking yeah It was a real bummer to be in there. You're like how much money do prisons make? I Don't know. I should say I think this was jail and not prison. This is an active. All right real quick What's it ever did the difference between jail prison? Is it like a gallop canter in a truck like? Well usually jail Jail loud loud outside, right? You have to stay inside all the time Well, jail is usually temporary, right? You get arrested you go to jail and then you're sentenced by The state or or the federal government to a length of your time and prison I can't see that. Yeah, see you hold people awaiting trial short sentences in jail People convicted of jail where you get right they can happen in both places Yeah, so jail you could be in for a couple hours days or months or up to a year prisons usually longer than that Most felonies are you know people are sent to prison Operated by usually a jail is operated by county sheriff so that's we yeah, we read it a jail and then prisons are State federal or sometimes private contract. That's cool when your business is prison You're like we just have a yeah, how much money how much money does a prison? I think private ones can generate quite a Some of money. We should open up a prison. Look at that. How much does one prison make estimate an annual facility revenue 32.8 million? Do you think okay, be real. Do you think it we could open up a better prison than the ones that are being currently operated? Like like me and you we invest how much is it cost to open a prison? I mean it can't be that much right? I think it can be that much, but it's got to be like a five million dollars. That'd be a real small prison Well, I'm we're not gonna go big. We're gonna start with this like a starter-up prison starter prison minimum security No, no, no, no, no, no, I mean I think we go maximum security so no one gets our whole thing is our whole thing is our Prison you're not getting that okay. Well, the building a new prison can cost anywhere between 50 million and over a billion Okay, so then how much money do they make that? Because no one's gonna build something that's not making more than that That last area it had the margins there when you were 32 million dollars a year. No, but it had there we go profit margins Between five and looks like just under 10 percent Bro, let me tell you some of the running prisons totally fucking wrong Tell him but you got a ton of talent inside there. Okay, you got what we do is you do like a star search to start off when you get to prison We're gonna assess your it's almost like the Russian the communist we assess your skill set right you got a big dick You get an only fans and then we generate money through only fans to dudes that want to jack off to you Jack and off in prison. You know that's someone's fantasy and then your your revenue goes into the prison white right now They just haven't make a license plates. They should be getting musicians comedians only fans fucking fights MMA there should be a MMA like we should be live streaming prison fights, right? You know two guys have beef well, let's make money off of it. Let's do a pay-per-view and we'll have them fight for real and then Like, there's so much money to be made off prisons. I think right leaving on the table. Yeah, I mean watching them fight watching some of them Let's say consensually get down with each other. That's a nice stream of revenue too, right body there that is There are people that would pay top dollar to watch that. That is the truth I mean, let's just look. We're almost live streaming an execution if you if you had a if you had a reality show, right first of all Let's just start small we're gonna put we're gonna put cameras in the out out in the yard And it's just a reality show called the yard and it's just all this is you can tap in anytime for $5 a month and watch the yard in prison You know how many people would just for $5 a month watch the yard J big Jokeson watches a corner in Philadelphia We're junkies pass out. He just watches that he just watches it all day long him and fucking McCusker love it They love it. Just watching junkies pass out. They watch junkies pass out on like a corner They know they're like I used to hang out here a corner in Philadelphia They know the corner. There's a club right by it. There's a dude that I mean like we've watched it We watched drug deals go down they would put it up on the bus and we would watch it live McCusker and Jay were obsessed with it and they know the corner and they're like ah I know that Oh, I know that guy guys a famous rapper and then we like tweeted to the rapper and they're like He's killed somebody. Don't do that Are you Have you seen the trailer for you can see everything okay? I'm gonna be I'm I'm not gonna shock you right now. I know nothing about any of Thanos or Elizabeth Holmes. Yeah, I'm not shocked. Yeah, you're right or Nathan fielder I don't know anything about Nathan fielder. I get him confused with the guy the other guy from Comedy Central What other guy? I think Ben Schwartz, maybe Okay, or or or or or or Did he have a show called Nathan can do it? Nathan for you Nathan for you is that him? Yeah, that's Nathan fielder. Yeah, okay Nathan fielder I don't know anything about Nathan fielder or Elizabeth Holmes Everyone is saying it's the greatest movie they've ever I know seen have you seen it? No, I'm so excited to see it I'm so excited to see it. I want to see it so bad I cannot fucking wait what I don't know how can it be good if it's a documentary like how can it be this good? Well, I mean there's good documentaries, but if you see you've seen the trailer. No, I haven't seen anything tall I think then don't even see the trailer. I won't say the trailer I think I saw her like looking at him and him looking at her and then let's say they're on a speed date. Yeah, I mean he's such a truly Neek mind and honestly like I don't think there's that there's there's really nobody quite like him soft pitch him to me I pretend I know nothing about Nathan fielder soft pitch him to me soft pitch him to you Well, he I would say that one of the things that he he's he's smart He loves like awkward uncomfortable moments So like if you like sitting in these incredibly Awkward and uncomfortable exchanges. That's something that you see over and over in Things that he's done. Does he like that or is that is that just oh, I think his spectra. No, I he's definitely he's autistic, right? I don't know if he is, but I It's definitely Yeah, okay, that they're confirming it. Yeah, they've confirmed it. Here it's coastal in the room coastal cards down in St. Pete They've confirmed that Nathan fielder is it's a bit of a show. Yeah Oh, he has a show about being autistic. I did not know that. Okay. It's called level in the spectrum Okay, great great. Now he's he's a very unique very funny guy and he's definitely not It a lot of everything that he does is not on the nose So there's you you really are like taken for a bit of a ride on Especially the what's great about him as a talent, which is I think what you see in his shows is His interactions with other people him Talking and dealing with other people is the magic of that guy. That's interesting. I can't you know, I This is Gonna blow away the internet right now. Yeah, I Try I've tried on some podcast to be more mysterious and not talk as much At times and I can - Not do it. - This is a new revelation to you? - Well, no, no, fucking, no one ever carries their side of the conversation. So like, I went, I did a podcast one time and I was like, I wanna try to be a little quieter and more subdued 'cause I feel like what I do is I fire host people with me. - Yeah. - And like Nathan Field or I guess is like, he just doesn't answer and then people find it fascinating. Is that what you're saying? - I think it's a little more nuanced than that. Like the way that he deals with people. There's, you get that he knows what he, I mean, he doesn't know obviously where every conversation's gonna go, but he definitely has a game plan going in and the way he executes it is what makes it engaging and sometimes incredibly funny. And I think this is both him doing what he does, but also it's a profile of someone who, of course you said, you know, nothing about, but is also-- - She created Thanos was like a fake blood draw. - That's right. - Yeah, yeah, that's a good way of putting it. Yeah. And it was a big, I mean, essentially like hoax, you know? It was not, you know, it was a big lie and there was billions of dollars swept up into it. - I can't wait to see that. I kinda wanna see the Tom Cruise movie too. Everyone says that's the greatest thing that's ever happened. - It's really cool actually. Hold on one second, sorry. Yeah, that's a fucking incredible feed of filmmaking. I agree with that. - Have you seen the Tom Cruise movie? - That's what I'm talking about. - Have you seen it? - Yeah. - Oh, okay. Yeah, I got a lot of catching up too. - I believe we already talked about that, but yeah. - Did we? - Yeah, a couple weeks ago. (laughing) Yeah, I wanna see it again. - Okay. - You're not gonna see it? - No, I probably won't know. Maybe we'll just read the book. - I'll tell you this. - I think you would tap out pretty quick from the movie. (laughing) I think you would be like 40 minutes in and be like, "The fuck, man?" And then you just turn it off. (laughing) Maybe not even 40, maybe 25. - Do you know how many conversations I've gotten into people with people about things I didn't get? And it's their favorite thing in the world. - I bet that's a lot. Did you like that two-brick Dr. Strangelove? - Yeah, I did. - Wait, you did like it? - Hang on, that's the comedy, right? - Yeah, it's a comedy one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're the guy rides the bomb. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, I like that. - I mean, digger, if you were gonna be like, what does it remind you of? - Oh, I thought that. - That's so funny. I thought that same thing when I watched all the trailer. I go, "This kind of reminds me of Dr. Strangelove." - That'd be the, I think best analogy comparison for it. - I was. - How many things do people love that you're like, I don't get it, or would you say? Or I don't care? - Oh, Elliot Gould. Elliot Gould took me to dinner one night. And the movie "Bullying for Columbine" had just come out. And he was obsessed with it. - Yeah. - And I was like, yeah, I don't get it. And he was like, what don't you get? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, it's just, it's too complex of a thing to say that Canadians are great 'cause they don't have guns in American suckers. We have guns. He's like, that's not that complex. And I was like, well, I don't know. Whatever. I was like, agreed to disagree. What are you gonna get to eat? And he did not. He was like, hold on. We're not done talking about this. And I was like, I am. And he was like, and we were at an Asian seafood restaurant. And I was like, I had no interest. I was like, I don't like Michael Moore. And he was like, how can you not like Michael Moore? I just feel like every documentary is, you know, these guys, my problem with the documentary is, they're not, it's never like fair representation. They just kind of blind side. Like Michael Moore kind of did this thing where he was like, I'm gonna tell you my. - Yeah, I'm gonna shape it for my narrative. And I was like, yeah, well, and I can't get behind that 'cause I go, you know what's my whole problem with the fucking pastor's wife and all the things on Netflix is, it's like you're shaping it, I'm not enough for women, but for my daughters and my wife to be like. - No, it's a fair, it's a fair point. I do think that what the thing was that, even though there were obviously a lot of documentaries before it, Columbine doc was like one of the first ones that I think had such massive reach and was like, of that time kind of took the documentary to another level, like people were like, you know, I believe like it performed well, even like in theaters, so it was different in that sense. And I think people actually need to be reminded more that whatever documentary you're watching, you can forget that it's not just, here are the facts, it is, there is a narrative to documentaries. - That's why I like watching, I like watching. - The news? - No, no, I haven't watched the news for forever. Documentaries, AI documentaries on historical, like the Mayflower. And then in AI, it takes you on the Mayflower and it looks, the boats go a little fast and the pilgrims are stabbing the Native Americans with corn, but like, like AI cannot get its head around, the fact that, like because I guess when you tell AI, pilgrims and Native Americans are gonna meet, AI is like, yeah, but they killed them, right? And you're like, no, but they also gave them corn. And so it hasn't just stabbing them with corn. - I like that, like in more recent years, like over the last, especially over the last 10, 15 years, people do this thing where they go, like, hey, the way we're taught in schools is fucked up. It's not historically accurate. And like, you know, people have their opinions on that. But then I think back to like, when I was in elementary school, dude, they used to just go like, the pilgrims came over and there were Native Americans and they were like, hello, friend and they were like, we brought some technology with us. And then the Native Americans were like, we have land, come hang out. And they were like, and that's how that friendship, and that's why we're here. And you're like, oh, that's a cool story. And then these other boats came over with dark people. And they were like, do you wanna go on a boat ride? And they came over and they did work for free. And then everything got built. And then you're a kid and you're like, that's not that bad of a story. - I don't know what they're complaining about. - Yeah, what's the problem here? And then you go, oh yeah, it probably should have a little more detail when you teach it to a kid. Like the horrors should be shared a little bit. - Yeah, we had a history teacher who was like, clearly would be a insult today. - Really? - Very unattractive man, and smelled very bad and never washed his hair a lot of. And he was obsessed with barnstorming. The whole barnstorming craze that happened for like a four-year window in the 30th. - Yeah. - So we learned about barnstorming. We learned about the JFK assassination. And then he really had a thing about slavery and black women. And how you never, I mean, like it was all white kids at the school and the whole, his whole concept was, you never wanna be a black woman. Like he just kept hammering that in. I mean, every, I mean, I, to the point where I like, I was like, God damn it, that must be a rough fucking rise. I said, no, you do not wanna be one of them. I'm telling you, that is, it's rough. You have no idea. And then, oh, and then I remember him talking about the price of a slave. And, and he was like kind of like, I mean, I mean, why wouldn't you get one? You know, like it, not that expensive. And, and we were just, there's no black kids in the class. None, none. Yeah, and then we actually have an open dialogue or something. And he was like, he was like, you know, let's get back to Tom Sawyer. Anyway, guys, like, yeah, he, he was a lunatic. Yeah, fun, crazy teachers are a fun part of, especially when you get older and you can reflect on it. I mean, there was a teacher who definitely had, he was physically abusive, you know. Yeah, oh, yeah, you can hit. And he, and he would have, and you could tell, this guy had rage inside of him. And he would hit his kids and like his kids would go to school to with us and they'd have bruises and they were from his, his dad and you're like, fuck man, that's my teacher. That's pretty, dude, pretty wild. We had a teacher explain alcoholism to us, science teacher. And he was like, let me, and clearly he was going through his own recovery. And he was like, let me tell you something right now. If you have more than one drink a week, you're an alcoholic. And I remember this girl, I won't say her name, she was raised by hands, because my dad has like four drinks every night and he goes, your dad's an alcoholic. And she started crying. That's a bold choice. And then this girl must have taken it to her father. And then whatever facts this guy taught in our class, she would take to her father. I remember he said theoretically that if you place a cup on a table and you leave it there for like 100 years, the cup would become part of the table. That's how atoms work. And her father called Bullshit and her father got really, she was like, my dad said you're full of shit. And he was like, wait, what? She was like, my dad said, prove it. My dad said, prove it. And all I could think was her dad was four drinks in. And she was talking about what she learned. And he was just like, this is the guy to call me an alcoholic. Fuck him, make him prove it. And yeah. That's what I remember from school. - I remember Mr. Caner's breath when you said bad smell. So Mr. Caner, he would look over your shoulder. So like, you're facing this way and he would talk here and you could smell his breath. He had that morning funk of like, not probably cleaning his mouth and also coffee. And it was so powerful. So like as he spoke to you and you're facing the other direction, you would still wince up and be like, oh fuck Mr. Caner, go shove a fucking dove bar in your mouth. Please, you sound like shit. - We had a gay. - Did you fart in your own mouth? Yeah. - We had a gay teacher. This is like, I think he died of AIDS. But and maybe he just died of something else. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He definitely died of AIDS. He definitely died. I'll call my mom. - I had a gay Spanish teacher, but yeah, go ahead. - He got herpes and he had a full blown outbreak on his mouth. And he had to grow a beard and it was aggressive. But no one really knew what herpes was. And then it came out that they're like, oh yeah, like he's gay. Like he fucks and sucks and bunches. And I didn't understand how gay sex worked at the time because it was like seventh grade. And they're like, he sucks and fucks dudes all the time. And then they have herpes and they gave it to his mouth and now his mouth because someone's dick had herpes. His mouth has herpes. And I just would sit through class. And then I remember going to his desk and talking to him because I wanted to get a close-up look. And then I sat back down and someone's like, don't get that close. You can get herpes. And I was like, what the fuck? Now I have herpes. Yeah. We used to think that AIDS would get transferred from like hugs and stuff, like they told us in the AIDS. I'm certain they prove that it can't. I'm just saying. Really? I don't know. You were. Yeah, I remember I had two uncles with AIDS. You had two uncles with AIDS? Yeah, kind of uncles. They were my through marriage. They were like two uncles with AIDS. Are they dead? Yeah, they both died of AIDS. Wow. And kind of crazy. Were they together? No, I don't know. I think one guy, I don't know how they got it. I think one was intravenous drug use and the other one was absolutely gorgeous. I mean, he was beautiful. Yeah. And so I'm assuming, you know, he must have been gay, but I don't know. Just for being attractive? He was gorgeous to him. Really? He was gorgeous. And they both died, like they got it in like the fucking heyday of AIDS, like in the 80s. They got it and just died. And I want to say my other uncle was living with them when they had it. Yeah. And I would always get stories about AIDS through my other uncle. Yeah. Yeah. That was rough. They did that quick. Yeah. Back then, man. That was the real. Now it's just like, it's just like a cough. You'd rather have AIDS and cancer. Now you would. Yeah. Much rather have AIDS and cancer. And you could take the. I'd rather have AIDS than ALS. I'd rather have AIDS than MS. I'd rather have AIDS. AIDS is like top five diseases you kind of want now. Like if you go to the doctor and he says, I got good news and bad news. And you're like, please say the good news is it's AIDS. That is a thing that people are saying now. You're right. People are saying that. Everyone would rather have AIDS than all of the fucking diseases out there. Although knowing you, if you went today to the doctor and he was like, you have AIDS, you would be freaked the fuck out. No, I'd be cool. Really? And with Leanne for giving me AIDS. But it might have been from just like, you know, blood work. No. Not me. Yeah. If they say you could get on AIDS from sitting on unclean toilets, I would definitely get it that way. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I sit. I sat on a toilet the other day. I didn't realize I did it. And it was still warm, and I went nice. And the guy next to me goes nice. Was it wet? No, it was just warm. Wet's upsetting. Wet's really exciting. Wet's, I can't tell. If I got a really shit, I can't tell if it's wet because my ass cheeks are sweating. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Isn't that weird how your ass cheeks tell you? Yeah. They're just like, this is your warning. Find a place now. Yeah. It's the best. I was like, I was running to my hotel and my hotel room the other day. And I had to shit so bad. And I was like, literally, if my key doesn't work, I'm shitting in the hallway. That's how bad I have to shit. And then as I was taking my pants down, it was coming out of my ass. Yeah. I mean, it was like there was a buzz or it's, they're never solid. Never? No. Who should solid? Did we have blocks come out? No, not like logs. My ass hole spits at the toilet like it's taking a dip out. Fuck. Yeah. That's pretty bad. How's your diet? Great. I ate like a fucking lunatic and drank, I drank two bottles of champagne at the raise game last night. Two bottles. Two bottles of fucking dumb. Were you in a suite? I was in a suite. The raise were very sweet to me. They had me do the pump up thing for the team. And I saw a picture of me and I looked, I've got body dysmorphia because I know that I'm in the same weight as I've been for the last year, but now I just don't like what it looks like. So like, I saw a picture of me and I was like, God damn it, I look fucking fat. Sentence of lunch goes, you don't look fat. I go, I look fat. And then I just murdered pretzels, hot dogs, a ribeye, french fries, a popcorn. Hold on. Cracker jacks. Is this? Two bags of peanuts and two bottles of dumb perignon and about five fucking mcultras. All right. We're back. First back. And then I went for a three, a three and a half mile jog this morning at nine a.m. Because I was like, I felt like a fucking piece of shit. And then I just, I showered in the dark so I didn't see my body and open that bottle. Let's have a cocktail. Fuck it. I'm ready. I'm back, Tom. I'm back. I'm back. I like this. I think this is actually a better perspective for you about body dysmorphia than the other one. No, I liked it better when I thought I was attractive. No, don't do that. I don't know when likes that. They like it this way. Everyone likes it. For real? Yeah, yeah. This is better. Thank you so much. I, I loved when I was big, can I get a nice cube out of there too? You can just grab it with your paw. Oh my God. Oh my God. Can I, I'm a little upset about one thing? No, hang on, two things. No number one, you did not reference the fact that I called your kids Jits. Okay. That's my new favorite word. You just discovered Jits? I just discovered Jits. Who, who, who was you, who gave it to you? I'm in Florida and and that's what they call young kids, mostly young, it's, it's, it's A, B, A, B, A, C, American, vernacular, African, American, African, A, A, A, A, A, A, B, C. No, no, A, A, A, A, A, A, V, E, A, A, B, B, E, E, C, no, you're asking. What's a C? What's a C for a culture? There's no C. It's A, A, V, E, A, V, E, you can say the word Jits. I googled it because I liked it. Yeah. Do you speak inville? No, I was, I heard some, I'm in St. Petersburg. St. Petersburg used to be, well, you, it, before it was gentrified, which my, which my mom's a fan of. Yeah. She was, I like it. They cleaned the place up. And so, and so, but, but they're, we were in like a authentically black area and I heard them calling these kids Jits and then I went to, I was like, hey Siri, can white people say the word Jit? And it was like, yes, why it is simply an A, A, B, C thing. And so, it's not, has nothing to do with racial things. It's just young, not you, Siri, fucking dumb, goddamn it. But so, that's my new favorite thing. I'm going to call my daughter's Jits. I love it. It's a fun word. Yeah. I might start using it too in the house. I might get your Jits some cards. I'll see if they like that too. This is fucking $70 worth of trash. And I wish I could get in there. I pulled out, I pulled out different costumes for my, my Jits last night, and because at first they're like, kind of gay shit you wearing for Halloween. And I put one thing on and they're like, that's kind of lame. Wait, you're dressing up for Halloween? Yeah, to go trick a treating, yeah. Oh, you love costumes. And so, and then I put on another mask and they were like, hey man, let's fucking terrifying. Like, they were seriously, they're like, that's really scary and I was like, and that's what I'll wear. So, I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to go trick a treating with them and, and hopefully scare some people. What are you, what are you going to be as hollow, do you get jealous? It's not even like a, like no, so one thing is like this full body suit that's black and has like some lines, but then I just grabbed like three different masks and they thought one was goofy and they thought one, they were like confused and then one, they were really scared of. So, I was like, I'll do the scary one, dude. I'm excited. Yeah, I can't wait. I love seeing, like, you know, fear, some of these eyes, I'm fucking, but I tell you when I did it a few years ago, I bought like a really expensive, I was like, oh, this is cool. I saw something, it was like, it's like movie level prosthetic mat and it was heavy and I put it down and it tucks in, it had the thing where it tucks into your shirt. So it, you know, it's not like cut off here, the skin folds from it go down so that like it blends under your shirt. And I put it on and I walked over to a bunch of neighbors that were getting together to go trick or treating as a group and all these little kids looked at me and just started crying, right? Like just absolutely crying. And this guy who I know didn't know who had this on and he just, he goes, "Hey man, hey, can I talk to you for a second?" (laughs) I was like, yeah, he's like, not sure who's under there, but I think this might be a little much. I'd be a little much what you got going on. And I was like, it's Tom. He was like, "Why do I go, it's Tom." He was like, "Oh, Jesus, man." And he goes, "Where the fuck did you get this thing?" There's a bunch of kids crying, I was like, so I took it off and think I could finally breathe. It was so heavy, dude, but it was fucking, maybe I'll post it. I'll find it. - Please, please. I'm not a costume guy. - Yeah, it is a lot, dude. It's a lot. - I think, I said this on, I said this somewhere I don't know where I said it. Maybe I said it here. But I think we should go back to making our own costumes. Like if you look at the 1800s Halloween costumes, they are the scariest fucking costumes. - 'Cause it's just like-- - Just no expression. A pillowcase with two holes in it. You're like, "What the fuck?" - Yeah, that's genuinely. - Any 1800 Halloween costume, if it knocked on your door, you'd lock it and get a shotgun. - Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're totally right. - Every time I think of Trick or Treat, I think of, did you ever hear, I don't know if Patrice ever did this on the special, or if he just told me about it. But he, on Halloween, on his football team, he was like, they're a captain, like, they're hype man. And the coach is like, "Bring it in and give him a speech." And he's like, "Yo, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in." Listen, motherfuckers, it's Halloween. These people are coming over thinking, they're gonna get a treat, but we're gonna give them a trick. And everyone the treat team was like, "What?" And he was like, "Nah." - That was Patrice's speech. - Patrice was trying to, he was like, and now you might have said it on O&A, but now that I think about it. - Will you go trick or treating? - No, I don't do that shit. - Hi, why? - I don't like it, there's danger of stuff out there. I don't believe in that shit. - Dangerous stuff? What, like a razor blade and a napple? What are you afraid of? - No, I'm not a Halloween guy, really. - Ever? - Never, really. I've never really enjoyed it. It's the only reason I know I've never done Blackface is that I don't like makeup on my face. - That's the only reason? - Yeah. - Sort of a Burger King over McDonald's kind of answer. Yeah. It's cool. The only reason I've never done Blackface, not a big fan of the way it feels on my skin. - I get, I get, it's the reason I'm like, "Yeah." They say the only reason, there's no other reason. - Well, there was a period, there was a period where it was a costume. - Can we do like an AI thing of Blackface? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - You don't think it about? - Just an idea, like just for an idea. - I'm fucking no. - This will be out just after Halloween. So we'll have a follow up on whether or not. - Do not fucking post, God, this is the worst thing ever. It's just a concept, dude. Don't you know what concept art is? - Here's the thing, is people think this is real? - Can we do a image of Bert in a shower with a bunch of Dominican guys? - Well, please. - Okay. - In Blackface, me in Blackface in a shower with a bunch of Dominican guys. I think this is such a cool thing. - Dude, somebody's gonna answer us on this shower thing, right? You have to. - You know it'd be great to sit for two bears, 5K. We just had a big shower. - By the way, there's a new two bears shirt on sale right now at store.ymhstudios.com. New two bear shirt, check it out. Check out the store store.ymhstudios.com. - Hey, oh, nice. - It's our retro tee. - Can I give a shout out to Lauren Compton? - Give a shout out to Lauren Compton, of course. - Congratulations on a great series. - Congrats to Lauren. She was fantastic. - She's never did the show when I feel really bad, but I'd love to have her on my podcast and do the show. - That's awesome. - Yeah. - She's a super talent. - What else are you gonna say? I wrote about a bunch of shit, but I don't need to talk about any of this. This has been a great fucking podcast. - We have Bamford's documentaries, awesome. - I have not seen that. - It's a new special. Yeah, Theo's got a new special. Maria Bamford, her, Judd made it. It's, Maria Bamford is, you know. I, I, I fucking, she's brilliant. She is absolutely beautiful. - She was in your fucking, she was in your show. - It was such a huge get for us and she was unbelievable. She's really one of the most uniquely hilarious comedians ever. She is so fucking, I'm excited to see that doc. - It's great. - Out, is it out? - It's out, it's on Netflix. I will say this, you know what's interesting is like, it's nice to know comedians do comedian things, right? So like sometimes I'll tell a joke on stage and then my sister or my mom or my dad or my daughters or my wife will hear it and they'll be like, "Why would you tell that?" Like, what, like, and they'll get upset with me and I'll be like, I thought it was funny. Maria has a story about her telling a story about her sister and her sister got really upset and Maria was like, yeah, but it's funny. I didn't know it was gonna hurt your feelings. It's so interesting because you don't think of Maria ever, ever, ever stepping on anyone's toes like that because she is such a sensitive person. - Yeah. - But when I heard that, I was like, God, thank God even Maria does that. Like, you know, her ability to become other people like just in a moment, like the way that she switches voices, cadence and like becomes a character. It's like one of the most vivid things which she's doing like the Midwestern lady or mother or sister. It's, she's other level funny. - I'll tell you, it's, she is, her, if you haven't watched it, there was a thing she put out in like probably 2004, I'm guessing, the Maria Bamford show where it was all done from a bed. The whole thing was done from a bed and it was fucking insane how great it was. - Yeah. - And can I also say, I got into a deep dive on Chad Daniels. I was watching his stand-up clips just on his Instagram. - Yeah. - Dude, he is so incredibly talented as a comedian. He's a lot, a lot like you and Bargotsie where you guys have an ability to very subtly make the joke and not have to oversell it with energy or emotion just casually say a word of phrase that is just hysterical. I just, yeah. - He's like one of the best fucking writers. - He's one of the best fucking comics. I mean, incredible. - He's super smart. He's also a handsome older guy. - Yeah. - I mean, I feel like he's like the Richard gear. - He's getting better looking. - I mean, he was going looking young kid, but. - Yeah, yeah. I'm like, every time I'm like, damn, Chad. - Yeah. - Fuck, pretty woman over here. - Yeah. - We got those images. - What, no, my God. - Oh, we don't, you don't wanna see these? Oh, that's kind of cool. - Fuck, yes. - You look like Aaron Sorkin. That is, frickin. - Woo, send that to me. - Hey, that looks, I look fucking crazy. - Did you see Aaron Sorkin on the red carpet? - No, who's Aaron Sorkin? - When he's the writer, he, when his movie just came out, are you supposed to believe that he was in the Bahamas, or is he taking something? - Because Aaron Sorkin is West Wing? - Yeah. - Yeah, I know he is. - Okay. - You got popped for mushrooms or something? - I don't know what he got. - Anyway, let me see, or Aaron Sorkin. - On the red carpet, at the premiere of that movie, you're like, far left, yeah, yeah, that one too. Yeah, hold on, look at this, bro. We're like, what the fuck? - Bro, what are you taking? - Oh, there's a peptide for that. - Yeah, the, the, the melanin one? - Yeah, there's a peptide for that. - Fuck, I gotta get that peptide. - Yeah. - No way. He did the social reckoning? - Yes. - That's Bill Burr's new movie. - That's right, that's Aaron Sorkin's new movie. - Bill Burr's new movie. - Yeah, Aaron Sorkin, yeah, I heard it's fucking fantastic. He wrote and directed it, I believe. - Really? - Did he do the first one? - Okay, look, I said, go back to that result, though, the searcher, Aaron Sorkin, roasted for absurd tan. I didn't see this, I just saw an image and I was like, Jesus, man. So, did he say something about it? Can we do more pop-ups? Are you guys trying to give me a seizure? Can we go to the top of this? I put on this tanning lotion, it looked really beautiful and very, as a little dark. So, he said he put on a tanning lotion. Okay. All right. - I might get a spray tan when I get home for my birthday. - How dark? - Ooh, I should post nudes for my birthday. - Great idea, I'll do a nude photo shoot for my birthday, 54, and God, I kinda like myself, black. - It looks good. - Can you zoom in just a touch? I just wish, I don't wanna say this, Can you just. Accentuate my facial features to make me look a little more ethnic? Well, here's the thing, if you get that tan, your features will. Now, yes, my bodybuilders, you know, they put on the tanning oil before they go out there. I'm going to arrange a nude photo shoot for my 54th birthday and post the pictures. Me at 54. This is a. You have to do it in the next couple days. I gotta fucking fast. I gotta lose some fucking weight. No, do it fucking authentic, man. You look great. You look authentic. Yes, no one wants to see you do a fucking super baby. I fucking love me black. Yeah, do it. Dude, I love me black. That looks so cool. Because you look like some vaguely North African guy. Can I get it? Can I ask you a real question? I do look like I'm the captain now kind of guy a little bit. Can I ask you a question? If I transitioned into black, right? Took a peptide, like an ABBC peptide that changed me into black skin. Yeah. Is that acceptable? Do you get the pass? It's an interesting question philosophically. If I can hold on one second. I can transition into a woman and everyone has to call me or she or her, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Right? I'm asking the guys here because you guys are liberal. If you do black enough. Do you have to, do I get to say the N word? Because I am, you can't deny anyone. But no, you can't, yeah, any think about this. Hold on, think about with your liberal hat on. If I trans, let's do just quid, quid, quid, quid, quid. If I do, if I do transition to a woman, you have to use my, you have to or it's illegal. You dead name me, that's illegal. You can't do that, right? Yeah, yeah, dude, for sure. So if I transition black, which you can't, I've identified black. I identified black. You're pretty white, what do you think? Yeah, and then my pronouns are, what are my pronouns? Your pronouns would say the same. Oh, yeah, my pronouns. But they'd be like with a little more sparkle on them. Sparkle? Yeah, I would definitely go black. Do we have the shower image? Hey. Okay, that's Kevin James. Kevin James and a shower full of Dominicans. First of all, sex. Oh, you're what the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? You just put a hat on me? They're having a good time with you. God. Can I tell you, I think these fucking video podcasts are better than we're in person. These are fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah. Annie, what do you think of his getting black or thing? So I wasn't here, but I was told that I need to so he was saying, so you see this image of him? Oh, wow. Yeah, so he was entertaining the idea of doing black face for Halloween. Anyway, it led to this idea that he could take this, there's this peptide that's getting, that's adding melanin to you. So you get darker and darker. He was saying if he took enough, so he looked kind of like this, which is a cool look. Would he, would he get the N word pass? If he got dark enough? Oh, I love that you're pausing. Yeah, I love pausing. You'll just, you'll just, I'm not pausing for the reason you think. Yeah, it just, you all just can't let us have anything. Yeah, it's the last thing we got. He, he wasn't be a part of that. So much more. What do we got? You got everything. You got shoes. You got, you got slangs. You got dancing. You got songs. You guys know what man? He just started saying jits. I just started saying jits. You know what man? I think you should go for it. Okay, you go. Was there a second part of your question? I was so kind of taken by your initial question. Did you have something else to add to that? Me or if you get any. Yeah, you, you, Bert, you were like, if I go dark enough, can I do something else? I don't, I think you have to identify me as a black man. If you go dark enough. Yeah, I don't think I can identify with the struggle, but like I can, I definitely, because if I, I can transition into a black person. Well, here's the thing. In this image, I am not like, oh, is that a black guy? But I do think that guy is from another part of the world. Yeah, it's like, I'm just like, this looks like a sort of Middle Eastern mixed guy. Like he has like a half Turkish mom, his dad's from Morocco and Syria or something. You know what I mean? Like that, that's what this feels like to me. So can I, can I be very honest with you right now, Tom? Can I tell you the only reason? I swear to God, the only reason you want to say the word. No, no, no, nothing to do with that. Okay, I think my jewelry looks better on me. It does, it definitely does. It does. I mean, I'm right about that. This is a good looking watch, but if I was black, this would be so much better. I mean, yellow gold on the black dude is the hottest. It looks amazing. It looks great. It's so fucking sexy. That's absolute. There's no doubt about it. That I'll give you. And yeah, it's, I'll tell you, it's gonna be frustrating though 'cause you're gonna get bitches. That is the thing. Oh, the fuck, dude, my body black is so much sexier than my body white. I'm not saying that, but you are gonna get bitches. How come he's gonna get bitches? Just from having his swag, you mean? Yeah. No, I'm black, no, I can get a side piece. As a white guy, you can't get a side piece. As a black guy, I get a fucking slam piece. I get the fuck on the side. And Leanne can't say shit. Is that right, Annie? I mean, it's not that we have the authority, I wouldn't say it like that, but you get more options. You get more options. Just by being black. And but, but the thing is gonna be hard though. You gotta not talk a lot though. You're gonna have to be chill. Well, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna be like Donald Rollins. Donald Rollins. Yeah, like he's a talker. Oh, he is a talker. Yeah, I'm gonna be like, like, like. Why do you say he has to talk less though, Annie? 'Cause if you're gonna be black, you gotta be black. You gotta chill, man. You gotta speak if you need to. Don't just be blah, blah, blah. This is gonna be a real fucking experiment. That's why I'm saying, yeah. That's why I'm saying, I don't even think you want this life. That's a really great point, dude. That's a really great point. I think you would fail so fast. You were just saying earlier, you're like, I've tried to like listen to people and I can't. You just told me that. I would get too excited to see other black people. You'd be like, I'd be like, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And they'd be like, what, dude, what? Oh, nothing, nothing, what's up, shit. They'd be like, I'm not from Motherfucker in Africa. You weird looking Motherfucker. You Motherfucker in Persian Motherfucker. He's all, yeah, cracker's up in here. Yeah. You definitely, like, what does he look like to you, Annie? 'Cause he doesn't look like a black guy. No, yeah, I don't, some Kazakhstan-y, like. Yeah, yes, dude, that's what it is. Yes, you look like you're from a weird former part of the USSR, yeah. Like war torn. Definitely war torn. Definitely war, and then you were like, I, you escaped, so you were like, but I bought hat, you know, so you have like some, yeah. I had a hat, and then I grew up mountain side, the goats. Yeah, that's the kind of story this guy tells. But it's like the reason why you get bitches though, like you look third world, but you look like you own that third world, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, like, you look kind of like royalty. What if I go black, what if I go black, and I just start all over, and I go to a new country, no one knows me, I bring my money with me, and I just start fucking running shit. Go to like a Kazakhstan, right? My money means something. Yeah. Is it a good, maybe post 60 plan? I might, Tom, I might go black for Halloween. That is a great start. Yeah, and I would, I like tell you this. You go, I'm gonna get the melatonin in jacket. Melatonin, that puts you to sleep, melatonin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, bros. You know, to the day someone asked me, someone asked me, are you and Tom friends? And I said, yeah. And he goes, what do you mean, yeah, like you said it weird. I said, well, I know we're business partners. So like, a lot of our talks are like, are about business and we podcast, but we're just kind of, you know, shooting the shit. I said I don't see him enough to like, I mean, like we're friends, but I don't see him the way I used to see him, I see him more often. And after this episode, I, Tom Segura, you are my favorite human being. And I am gonna make a point to see you more to make sure that our friendship is always solid. Thanks, man. That's very nice of you to say. I love you so much. You made me laugh so hard today. I love you too, buddy. I love you too. Enjoy Tampa. Are you going to a, is there a game tonight too? No, I'm getting on a plane going home. Leanne bought me a car. What you got? Oh my God, my car looks like a black guy. It, uh, my car looks like a black guy. I'm gonna text it to you. You're gonna look like a black guy's or a black guy. Yeah, yes, yes, it's slick. It's slick. It's slick. All right. Hey, guys for watching. We love you. I love you. I'll talk to you soon, man. ♪ Bird time, time and bird ♪ ♪ One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and birds the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Here bears one cave ♪ (upbeat music)