Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

A hundred percent. Let me tell you something, I'm going to be real, okay? Look, we all grew up in McDonald's, McDonald's fucking rocks. McDonald's is awesome. But I'm going to be really honest, McDonald's Big Mac, their signature sandwich does not hold a candle to a whopper with cheese or to a baconator, and that is fucking facts. Wow, okay. Yeah, we did a taste test here and the thing, McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops. No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries. I'm going to say, because I think everyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries. It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible. McDonald's. And piping hot, by the way, piping, I want it to burn me. I want it to burn my fingers, and I want my mouth in the crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth. Like if you touch a hot wing, you're like, oh, those are hot, but then you put it in your mouth like, it's not that bad. Well, I actually find it like, okay, ready, let's go through brands. Buffalo wild wings are hooters. Wow, wild wings. You'd go for hooters? No, I'm going to tell you. I just think that I haven't had either in a while. I've said, Buffalo wild wings almost every weekend. Oh, it's a weekend treat. Oh, I do it. So I do it so often. It's fucking crazy. I have gone to Buffalo wild wings the last time I went and I was like, you know, they have all that, they're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30 and then I realize, oh, I have 300 wings and it's way too much. Buffalo wild wings has cro-- so hooters leaned into, like, sex. Yeah. And then football was secondary, but it was sex, then you're supposed to, like, Google the chicks and they were mid. Did you-- I used to work it with a guy in post-production that I couldn't believe that he was just like, yeah, this-- I go to hooters all the time and I was like, oh, really? He's like, can't but, like, one of the girls there likes me and I was like, really? He's like, yeah, she's always, like, happy to see me. And I was like, oh, my God, this is so sad. Let's go together. I want to see this. I remember going to hooters. We went to hooters every Monday night in college. We went to football. We went to football. What? For Monday night football. Monday night football and a scout hunter's meeting. Okay. Every Monday night we went to hooters. Every fucking Monday night and I love hooters. I love their breaded wings. Yeah. The wings are breaded. They're shrimp poppers are amazing. They're groupers sandwich, one of the two best groupers sandwiches I've ever had in my life. Seriously? I love a blackened groupers sandwich. Did you go to Outbackstakehouse too? Fucking love Downbackstakehouse. I used to go so much. Do you remember when they pulled around? Are they still around or have they gone like bankrupt? They say they're still around. Police say they're still around. But they have to have less locations, right? I feel like I don't see as-- Ever since all of these kind of dropped off after fucking cocking out on D. That was their big like shoe in the door. It was like cocking on D. You don't call out in life like you want a steak or you want a steak or another shrimp on the bobby. There's so many people in America that believe that Outbackstakehouse is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle. Oh yeah. Dude, do you remember-- Two dishes. Two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time in my life. Oh my god. Hold on. I just remembered too that eating myself sick on a blooming onion. The blooming onion. The fucking blo-- The first time you saw a blooming onion. And then some a while later, there was data about what it is colorically. And they're just like, you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this. Pull it up. A blooming onion is a death bomb. I remember. I was like, I'm eating six a month. It's so bad for you. The night after I lost my virginity, I went-- It's 800 calories. No, for the smaller portion. 1900. That's a day's worth of eating. Wait, what else? Is there more nutritional facts underneath that if you hit that-- Oh. Yeah. 55 to 155 grams of fat. 13, 100 milligrams of sodium. And you're like, put it as a-- is it bad? The night after I lost my virginity-- Oh my god. I went to dinner with my-- the girl I lost my virginity's parents. Yeah. We went to Outbackstakehouse. And I had never seen a blooming onion before. And I ate an entire blooming onion. And I remember her dad going, you just ate an onion. Yeah. You just ate like an actual onion. Yeah. You're like, I fucked your daughter last night too. Pretty crazy wig for me. I learned an important lesson. And I hope they can't sue me for this. I think of the statute of limitations if I run out. But in the '90s, probably like '96, '97, I went to Outbackstakehouse. And I've learned-- I feel like it's kind of a life thing now. Yeah. To a steakhouse, you should stick to steak. Yeah. And I went there, and I got lobster. And I got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week. And it was during the school year. I missed over a week of school. I called my history teacher because a paper was due. And I told him I was-- and he hung up on me. He hung up on me. Because I think he thought I was just trying to buy time. And when I showed up at school, like the week and a half later, I had lost 17, 19 pounds. And he was like, oh, I guess you're really worth it. I was like, yeah, man. And it was all from getting-- see, shellfish, whatever, at a steakhouse. So now I never order that shit. It was traumatizing. If you go to a steakhouse, get a fucking piece of meat. Yeah, yeah. Get a piece of meat. I can't eat steak right now. What is going on? You're like, I can't have anything. I got a blood clot by, like, gotten to my lungs. Yeah. So I'm not drinking for six months. Six months? Yeah. We'll talk about later. The second dish I ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible mark in my psyche is the first time I saw a fucking fajitas. You were like, oh, it's like-- This is what they're doing south of the border? He was older, nine years old, he said it was at a Benagans. And I heard, come out of the back, like, what the fuck? Oh, the sizzling place. And steams coming in. I was like, oh, fuck something's on fire. And then they come around the corner. And I remember he came in on my back, and I was like this. And I looked at it, and I went, what's that? And my uncle, who hung out of Benagans a lot, was like, teethas. And I was like, oh, my dad goes, you can fucking forget about it. You're not getting that shit. You're going to burn your goddamn face. My uncle, who hung out at Benagans a lot? My uncle's used to be fun alcoholics, and now they're just-- Now they're another drink. Really? None of them. How old are they? They're all, like, my mom's age, like, 60s. My mom's 77, and it's probably 77 to, probably, 59. It's a big gap. Yeah. Spread out. Yeah. I feel like that's-- I don't know, with all the fucking non-drinking I'm doing, I feel like I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, I don't fucking. Who knows? You know, the jury's out, Tom. They're like blood thinners. Some doctors say, absolutely, you can't drink on them. And some people say you just can't drink on them. It's the thing in the role that dies out. Yeah, you never know what the fucking-- You never know. They're going to say. I really think there's never anymore the unanimous verdict on anything health wise. I mean, even as something like, you know, like, we've gotten peptides from these guys before. And I've gone from, like, I start with one, and maybe I go to another one. The other one's like, so you're doing it like three times a week, 30 units, and I'm like, no, he's like, what are you doing? Well, that doctor said he goes, oh, that's totally wrong. I'm like, so there's not like a consensus on this? Yeah. No. No. The best is I remember telling Joe about how much testosterone I was taking. He was like, the fuck? I was like, yeah, what do you take? He goes half of that? And I was like, huh? Really? And he was like, what the fuck? Dude, that's too much. And I was like, that's what I was told to take. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm not a doctor. I think my testosterone legables were like crazy, though. But I don't know. I don't know. I'm on the road so fucking much that all I can do is trust that, do you know what I'm on a day? I'm gonna say I'm on probably about 30 pills a day. Really? Motrin, Tylenol, blood thinners. It's all four motrin, two Tylenol, two blood thinners. No pressure medicine, that's three with blood thinning with a baby aspirin. I've got vitamins, right? Milk distal. I've got an AD plus. And no, so I guess I'm on like 15, 16 pills a day. Oh, and then I've been out of subtle addiction to Benadro. To wind down? Dude, Benadro is better than Salar's. Benadro's pretty great. You sleep great, but you breathe amazing. Breathe? Yeah. Oh, because it opens you up. Yeah, it opens you up here. You sleep like Darth Vader. You sleep with a mask? No. I mean, I wear just like a mask like this. No, but not a breathing. Not a CPAP. No, no, no. I thought you had a CPAP. No, I don't believe in it. You don't believe in it? I don't believe in it. I don't understand. I just, I've never heard anyone describe it as a belief system. Yeah, I don't believe in it. No, okay. That's okay. Now, I know. I'm a fucking idiot. Okay? I get it. Okay. Let's walk it backwards. Okay. Imagine 20 years ago someone said to you, you know, big pharma is out to kill us. You'd be like, you mean my doctor is out to kill me. Yeah. And then it comes out and you're like, oh, your doctor gets kicked back based on what pills he subscribes. Right. For prescribes. And you're like, oh, shit. And you're like, wait, they didn't need to give me ox cotton. My uncle didn't need to get oxy cotton from falling at work. Those are amazing. And but that's what they did is they did that. There is a sleep apnea sheen is It's amazingly expensive. It's a machine. It's more than a pill. Yeah, for sure. And there's a huge upcharge. And so I believe it is in the benefit of the doctor's case to say, you need to sleep out of the machine. Let me send you to my sleep study guy. He gets kicked out from the sleep study guy who, no sleep study guy, I would, I would just please tell me if you've ever got a sleep study and they go, actually, you're not that bad. You don't need one. Never has a sleep study guy said, no, no, no, no, you're perfect. To play devil's advocate, I have seen one time Liam posted a video of you. Okay, go ahead. I might have sleep apnea, but I just, I go, I haven't died yet. Oh, I sleep really good. You do sleep really good. I'm fucking 98% on my, on my whoop. How many hours do you normally sleep? About nine to 10. Seriously? Dead sleep. Damn. Dead sleep. Dead sleep. I've been going to sleep so early because I'm not partying, so I'm going to sleep so fucking early. If I'm on the road, dude, if I'm on the road, I'm going to sleep at like, I get off stage at 930, we all hang out, pull shit until 11 bus calls at midnight, we all get on the bus early. I get in my bunk, I get in my bed early and I sleep dead until like, I sleep 12 hours on the road. Yeah. Really? I sleep incredibly. And if you put me on a Benadrill, that I'm jealous. That's amazing. Dude. That is amazing. Are you expired Benadrill? Nice. I don't give a fuck. Dude, Oxy's. Do you take those blue pills I gave you? Yeah. Yeah. Were they what we thought we were? Yeah, they work. Yeah. They're not dick pills. I know that sounds like it, but they're even better. The only thing that the Oxy's, I don't shit for like two, three days, if I remember. That's the big thing about opiates. Who was the one who was the one who's fucking Colin ruptured Matthew, Matthew, the guy from Perry, Matthew Perry ruptured his Colin from shit. Oh, my God. Google Matthew Perry ruptured Colin because he was taking so many pain pills. He couldn't shit and they couldn't get out of him and it ruptured his Colin and exploded inside of him game. Sepsis. That's why he died. No, he died in the fucking hot. Oh, my God. Did he die in 2018? It's that long ago? Oh, nearly died in 2018 after his Colin burst. Oh, my God. So that's why you stay away from fucking pain pills? I know. I don't have many more. I haven't asked for any more. But shit. That's horrible. I get it. When I was in the hospital and they were giving me like the real stuff, I didn't shit for a week and they were like, do you want to try? Do you want us to give you like a, what is it? It's a repository. Today or do you want to wait a few days and you just see if it happens? I was like, let's start today. It's been a week. Let's start today. Yeah. And then sludge just kind of came out of me, but it's, it backs me up completely. Really? Yeah. My shit's on Menjaro or just really? It's, I sit down on the toilet and I give it a little push. How much are you down? Right now, 235. You've been melting away. Yeah. Well, it's, I don't think it's healthy because I'm not, I don't feel good. Like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a spokesman from Menjaro. I'm really not. Yeah. It works. But like, I think most people, like I had a friend that I hosted and he received with. I won't just say his name, but I don't want to out him. Do the leg working. You'll figure it out. And he was like, yeah, try that shit. He was, I felt like I had a low-grade flu. I go, yeah. He was, I like that. I was like, I think that's the way the pill works, the shot works. He was like, you feel sick? And I go, yeah, you feel like you have cancer. And he was like, and he goes, you like that and I go, no, I fucking hate it. So how long will you stay on it? I guess forever, I'll just feel like I'm sick. I don't know. I mean, we put, at January 1st, we put my goal weight of like, you know, trainer looks at it and he's like, 220 pounds. And I'm like 15 pounds away from it. And we're right around the corner. And he's like, okay, hold on. This is by the end of the year. And I was like, no. And he was like, like the only things I can eat, this is going to sound so fucking ridiculous. The only things I can eat are these protein shakes. Right. I drink one of those a day and then I can, Italian subs. And Donuts. Donuts are good. This upcoming segment is brought to you by Pepsi. Did you see the Super Bowl? Do you know that every, every year, I tell myself that like, you know, I think I'm over like the big ad thing of it all, and then I'm turned into somebody who goes like, I'll be like, oh, it's a, it's the commercial. I know it's like some crazy commercial, but I'm just going to dip out. And then I just start walking out of the room and I'm like, this is a pretty rad commercial. Can I tell you what's crazy? So I let and all her friends are in art school. Yeah. And they watch the Super Bowl. They watch it just for the ads. So many people do. And every time it happens, I'm like, really, you just watch it for the ads. And then you're like, I'm mesmerized by this set. I know. Ila called me. Ila. First of all, Ila has been the mainstay of Pepsi in our family. Really? I know this. That's why I think she's most like Donnell and Red Grant, because- That's the zero sugar one. This zero sugar. Yeah. Well, I got to do zero sugar. And you know, I don't know if it's a conversation we have with Donnell. That was a man. That was fascinating. That was the most fascinating insightful commercial or conversation with Donnell. But Ila, when I told her about that conversation, you guys just got more flavor. It's got way more flavor, Dad. It's got way more flavor. It's so much more enjoyable. How is that? That's the zero sugar. This is the zero sugar. It's fucking awesome. It's absolutely. Dude, let me tell you something, as a guy, not drinking right now, right? Yeah. I'm on the wagon. When I get on a plane, and I'm going to sip on something, I'm keeping it. That's okay. I got another one. Fine. When I got on a plane, I'm going to sip something. Yeah. Always die, Pepsi. Pepsi's zero, really. But Pepsi's zero sugar, if they don't have it? No. I like to do that. You know, you can't throw a fit if you're not drinking. You can give a mad attitude if you're not drinking. You guys have Pepsi's zero sugar, and they're like, no, and then you go, never mind then. And they're like, can I get something else? I go, I guess I'm not drinking today. I'm out of cup of ice, and I'll throw it at you. Try that with a beer. Do you have a beer? No, we're not serving up. Then fine. I'm not drinking. And then you're going to add up your problem. Then you can do it, yeah. But I, I, I, I, I called me. She goes, I told you. I told you. She said commercial dad and I go, yes, I did. She goes, Dad, I told you, and then I showed up today to work and the fridge was stacked with them. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I was like, Kyle, did you get Pepsi's zero sugar? She goes, I did. She goes, did you get a call for my love? I go, did I call you? Yes. The biggest Pepsi zero sugar fan in the fucking world, Pepsi is Isles brand, and she doesn't live in Pepsi country. Yeah. I can't tell everyone where she lives, but she does not live in Pepsi country. She doesn't. She is an outlier. She's like driving, driving a Ford truck in Texas. Isn't that crazy that there's parts of this country that, that people, yeah, subscribe to certain things? I know. And I'll say this, whatever part, that does taste better than Coke Zero. It does. It tastes better. Do you remember the Pepsi challenge in the 80s? Of course. Of course. That was amazing how branding was so simple. Was it because there wasn't that many, it was all about the TV spot. Yeah. That's the thing. That was the only thing that mattered was the TV spot. And then now Super Bowl, they're laying into like, it was pretty direct what they were doing, which was pretty cool. But I actually, I also love, I love when the big companies that compete go at each other. Are you too? It's fun. I love when big brands go at it with each other. I do too. I love it and I want more of it. I love it. And I love it when, and I mean this for real, when the so-called underdog takes a shot at the big dog. That's, you respect it. If they take it, if they take a, like, a swing that is, that really goes for it, that is like the most fun thing to watch. A lot of things are uncertain, but the one thing I'm certain about is that when I pass my girls are taking care of, that is a certainty that I've taken care of with life insurance. 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Sign up for your one dollar per month trial today at Shopify dot com slash bears. Go to Shopify dot com slash bears. That's Shopify dot com slash bears. Yeah, I know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now. Right? Right? We're both very busy. A lot of stuff going on. Yeah, understand that. You've got a croissant shop. You've got a new series you're in production for your schedule. Your dance cards crazy. I won't. I'll just tell you I have a crazy schedule also, but I also purchased a donut shop. You purchased a donut shop. Yeah, because that's what keeping up with the Jones is. Wait, because I have a place you have a croissant shop. I bought a donut shop. Where is it? Where is it? I'm going to tell you why because it's well, it's right around the corner. Okay. I thought they were Vietnamese and Sandra went and talked to them. Turns out they're Cambodian. Okay. But we're the sales pending. They make here's a deal. The donuts are fucking average, but they make the best fucking Cambodian sandwiches. This is your pitch to your fans. Look, the donuts look donuts and LA suck. Okay. Really? 100%. I'll tell you why. Guy named Mr. Donut came into LA in like the 70s, right? Yeah. He's like, he's like Mr. Chang from the from the hangover. Is that right? Can you Google it, Mr. Donut? I remember that Woodland Hills place that was so good. So this is my goal. Okay. Okay. So Mr. Donut Los Angeles. Is that his name? No, that's Mr. Donut. What's the donut man? Can you just fight? There's a documentary on a Vietnamese guy or an Asian guy who came to LA in the 80s. And what he did is he decided he'd start opening donut shops. I watched the documentary. It's pretty fascinating. Yeah. But he was like rings and like fancy suits and a Japanese guy. And so I'll just tell you the story and it may not be right. Okay. So he comes to LA and he just starts buying up little areas that are going to make donut shops and then going back to his home country and saying, hey, I can bring you to this country. I can get you a workpiece. I can get you all of it. You got to work in my donut shop. And I'll let you buy into my donut shop. I'm going to own the space, but you can buy it. You can franchise out. And then he said, I'm going to build the factory that does all the cream fillings, all the jelly fillings, all the glazing. It's good. Yeah. No. No. No. Sandra, how do you say that? It's Ted. No. Ted. No. No. Yeah. And so he then, so he is the reason that all of our donuts and Los Angeles are kind of average because he supplies all the goods to all the donut shops. All the donut shops. It's so easy for them just to get the average filling. So if you go to Dunkin Donuts, the, the raspberry filling is textured. It's a jelly. It's not a jam. It's a jelly. It's like textured. And because that is the donut that Dunkin Donuts, that's the ingredients they send out. He is in charge of all the donuts and L.A. All the donuts and L.A. Without the donuts and L.A. The mom and pop shops. You see off to the side. They have their own. They have like the niche ones. So I think here's what I think, right? I go, you open a croissant shop. I go, I gotta, I gotta do something. I gotta. You're so funny, but it's the fun of the game. Yeah. It's not about fucking making money. It's about fucking having fun with it. So I said to Sandra, I got this place. I think there's a couple. So I'll just say it. USA donut. Bleep it out if we need to. So I go on the corner and I like the ladies at work there. Right? But what's more important, their attention to detail on breakfast sandwiches and, and afternoon sandwiches is through the fucking roof. You go to get one of their, just an average club sandwich and it, like they, their pickles are, are carved, like, vis in the center because their attention to detail because their Asian is so perfect. Just because they're Asian, but it is because they don't, they don't fucking slack. Asians take shit seriously. Yeah, yeah. So then I go in and I talked to them a little bit. I was like, oh, cool. There'd be it to me. It's a sense. Sandra and Sandra's like, they're not the Cambodian. I was like, is there a difference? She goes huge fucking difference. They try to kill my people. And I was like, what? She was like, I don't know. I got to fuck them. And then she starts to yell at them and then they go, all right, here's the deal. I want to buy the shop, right? I want to put my name up there. I want to be a part owner with them because they, yeah, part owner with them won't put that. I don't want to change a fucking thing except for the donuts. I want to find a supplier that makes great donuts. So we upgrade the donuts. Keep the sandwiches where they are. Upgrade the donuts and make high-end fucking donuts at a low price, right? Yeah. And they look authentic. Like I know you brought that guy that's like Italian or something. Yeah. I'm going to tell everyone I brought these Vietnamese or Cambodian ladies in from Cambodia. They're donut makers. That's where all, you know, because the French took over Cambodia or is it Vietnam? It doesn't matter. We're going to just tell people they're Vietnamese. I think it's easier that way. Yeah. Stories a little more. They'll probably like it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it's right around the shop corner. I should have gotten you a sandwich so you can taste when they're saying you're going to call it like birts. I may keep it at USA donuts for a little bit, you know? And then pop out with. So you're like, I'm buying this but you guys are partners. That's kind of thing. We haven't worked it out there. English isn't great. So, but there's a sale pending. I was really hoping they're right now. Okay, let me tell you where we're at logistically right now. Right now we're at you can be the spokesman for our donut shop. And then we'll give you free donuts. That's what we're at right now. I got this bro. I fucking love donuts. Dude, I love donuts. I love great donuts. Okay, we're talking about brands. Yeah. Let's talk about the best donut brands. Now, okay, okay. See, because for me, I, I remember living with Lynn Hills and they're, I think it's Wenchels and I loved their donuts. I love their donuts. And then there's a, there's voodoo, which does like these really like elaborate creative ones. Voodoo, voodoo. I've had some really good donuts from that. Can I give voodoo a note? Just one note. Yeah. Can you go half as big on your donuts? Because one of your donuts is a meal for me. Yeah. And I want to have a couple different donuts. Is this minjaro speaking or Bert? This is Bert. Okay. Cause like, I could fuck up their donuts, but one donut's got like a piece of bacon and a pretzel. Yeah, there's a lot of shit. And I was like, and I was like, and the one guy with the guy with the stick in his heart, you know, they're awesome. I just, if you, I know, I don't go to a donut shop to get one donut. I want to get 12. I want to eat 12. Yeah. And you can eat 12 voodoo donuts and they're great donuts. They might be best donuts out there. Um, chain wise, chain wise. By the way, there's one great donut shop right where George used to go to school. Yeah. Right by your old, right by your old house. Yeah. Um, it wasn't winch holes. It was. It was Korean with their Koreans there. No, no, they're white. Really? Yeah, they're white. Lights. Yeah. Okay. What's better? Dunkin donuts? Krispy Kreme. Okay. So for me, Krispy Kreme is just about one donut. It's about just their signature donut. Whereas like, you know, the, the Krispy Kreme hot now, hot now that whatever it's glazed. Yeah. Like that's how I, that's how I think of Krispy Kreme. Dunkin donuts for me is about a little more variety. So that, so it's like if you're digging that Krispy Kreme glazed classic donut, let me get a dozen classics, then you go there. I do find that in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to eat six of these. And if I have a Krispy Kreme one, I'm like, this is so sweet that it, it takes me down. So So saying one or the other, it really becomes about what you're in the mood for. What you, you know what I mean? Like that hot and ready thing is pretty crazy though. So I was, I, cuz I will hate Dunkin' Coffee. So many people, I hate it. That's it. Exact opposite. I was gonna say the exact fucking opposite. I hate it. I grew up in Tampa, Krispy Kreme was Ardona. That was like, we had a Krispy Kreme there. I remember what Krispy Kreme is. Really? Is that a, but is that a California thing? It's a Southern thing. Krispy Kreme is? What's the, what's the, yeah, what's the headquarters? Or where did it go? By the way, any of these brands want to work with us. We are willing. I know we're, we're not putting out as many episodes, but we'll put out more of Krispy Kreme comes out. North Carolina. Those are headquarters. That is their headquarters? Is that where it started? Early years, huh? In Kentucky? Yeah. Oh, well, they had a small store in Kentucky and then, it was a Nashville and opened his own store and Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I had no idea. The first crit, so you could be open in Ohio, in Akron, Ohio. Growth. Expansion occurred, opening it in Savannah, in the southeast, so it is like a southeastern thing. I had no idea. We used to get Krispy Kreme in Tampa. Um, I wish I could remember anyone from the Jersey Shore would remember one place where he's got done with his kids where they made them there. Yeah. And they, they, it was all they made was cinnamon sugar. And they, it was, it was car, I wish I would remember the fucking name of this place. And they were cinnamon sugar and you, they just made them for you, you go, I like a dozen notes and then they'd make a dozen notes for you, dip them in the oil, sugar them and then they put them in a brown bag. And by the time you got back to the beach house, we were kids. We were really little kids. The bag was wet with grease. Dude, I remember I have such a vivid memory of the first time I hung out with you. Was that the beach house in Tampa? You had to get up to do press and you came back and you brought donuts. I don't remember where they were from. It's the greatest. It's the greatest thing to show up in the morning with. Yeah. Owners use the forced labor in Nazi Germany. Owning the controlling sake of crispy cream as well as insomnia cookies and a print de Montier, one of the wealthiest families in Germany admitted in 2019 that they profited from forced labor during World War II, New York Times reported the two men who ran the family business in the 30s and 40s, Albert Ryman senior and his son Albert Jr. actively participated in the abuse of their workers. That's pretty cool. That's a kind of a cool thing. I think I want to check out crispy cream today. Yeah. That's neat. So I was crispy. I love history. I was a rider. I've crispy cream. Always. And when they move to the, I remember when they opened in New York, there'll be lines. The guy donated to the SS. That's a crazy detail. Jesus. I would love some crispy cream Nazi memorabilia. That'd be pretty cool. Yeah. Like crispy, but it's like, it's like the swastika and the SS. That's pretty cool. SS. It's not crispy. I guess we lost that lost that corporate sponsor. But I was a rider. I have a crispy cream. Look at the crispy cream club. Oh my God. KKK Wednesdays. Check out the bot. The Boston Globe published an article said, I found out Nazi money is behind my favorite coffee. Should I keep drinking it? How did crispy cream turn into this fucking KKK Wednesdays nuts? That's pretty cool. I was a crispy cream rider die. I remember when they opened in New York, in like, in like truth, 99, 98, there was a line down the street to get crispy cream donuts. Everyone was in the mind. And by the way, this is during the Atkins phase when everyone was in the Atkins, yeah. And eggs, bacon, steaks, burgers, yeah. And I was right. I've crispy cream. And then when I started touring, I toured the Northeast and I fell in love with the way Boston people, like New New England people, yeah, but our rider die for the Dunkins. They love it. Yo, Dunkins, kid. You getting Dunkins. Yeah, they love it. And the Casey Affleck videos, his videos on SNL were fucking, have you ever seen those? Yeah, I've seen those. They're so fucking funny. And then I went and I, and I was at Tallahassee. And I was first time back in Tallahassee and I was like, up early, I didn't give a fuck about diet at all then. And I was like, I need something. I'm hungry. And Tallahassee had a Dunkin Donuts. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to get a couple of Dunkin Donuts. And I'm going to get a coffee and I fell in love with their fucking coffee. Big iced coffee. Come on. I never like, I always thought they put way too much milk and then I'd go, hey, can I just get a little bit of milk? And they'd be like, you mean like a quart or something? And I'm like, no, just fucking just dash it and I just, I never was a fan. What? I got to stop. I'm in Austin in a couple days. I got it. You're not there. I got to go into, uh, Chichobamba. You have to. I have to. And you got it. You got to get everything, dude. I'm going to fucking make it rain. And well, those, those just set you up. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. February is full of flowers, candy, stuffed animals and of course lots of talks about relationships and dating. And no matter where you are, whether you're married or dating or single or just maybe just focusing on you, you're right on time. Therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be. I kind of look back at that time that I thought to myself, what do I want? And I remember I said, I want my forever chick and I focused on me. I was in therapy, hardcore then, holy cow. I think I was going twice a week. And I was like, there's one thing that's consistent in every relationship I have. Two things really. Number one, they all were horrible. And number two, I was went in every single one of them. And I started focusing on me in therapy and the gym and the gym. I remember my therapist said, you should get in the best shape you can get in. So you can get the girl of your dreams. And I did. I did. 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All the girls in the house eat them and I get a text every now and then her roommate, roommate, the one that she shares a room with, ate the Italian-style pork ragu and was raving about it. So much so that I was like, I'm going to put that in my order. I got to try it. Head to factor meals.com/bearers, 50 off and use code bears, 50 off, skip 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Eat like a pro this month with factor, new subscribers, only varies by plan one free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active. If one of your resolutions this year is to travel more or learn any language, you might be predictable, but you're not alone. With Babel, it's not about memorizing grammar charts or climbing a leaderboard. It's about learning how to speak in the real world with real people. Babel's courses are curated by over 200 language experts to teach you relevant words and phrases you'll actually use by practicing real life conversations. And it's more than just lessons. Babel offers a large collection of podcasts that offer an inside look at local cultures. It's one of my favorite ways to practice languages. I practice a bunch of them. What I love about Babel is they put you in those conversations scenarios. You're actually practicing ways you would speak in the real world. Babel even adapts to your learning style with personalized learning plans, real-time feedback and progress tracking. They've got 14 languages to choose from and every course comes with a 20-day money back guarantee. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at Babel.com/bears. Get up to 55% off at Babel.com/bears spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com. Babel/bears rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, did you ever get my Christmas present? You haven't been home, have you? I haven't been home. Fuck. Did we send it? I got a Sarah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. No one told you about it? No. Okay. Pretty cool. I think so. I would love to find out. Do you want me to tell you what it is? It's for the office, really. Sure. Can you just pull it up? Do you guys know what it is? We go to the casino and you see the place where you drop the quarter in and it falls in and then it pushes all the quarters off the ledge. Yeah. I got you one of those. Really? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it's the office. How much fun is that? That's really fun. Yeah, right. I mean, yeah. Now they're definitely not going to work. Yeah. I was like, how much fun are those? Wouldn't it be great to have one in your house? And then I was like, coin pusher. Yeah. That's rad. Do you know what I got for me? What? A claw machine. But the. Yeah. My boys are obsessed. Ellis is good at it. Oh, for real? I went to multiple arcades where we're in the arcade and you kind of like, you know, I'm going to go play this one and like 20 minutes later I run into Ellis and he has like six things. He's like, yeah, I got this from the claw machine. I'm like, how the fuck? And I've watched him do it. He's good. Dude, I got a claw machine and what I was going to do, I'm not home. I haven't been home fucking forever. So I haven't had time to set it up. And I've, I mean, I think this is everyone's hyperware. Both of us are cutting back on everything a little bit because our schedules are crazy. And I apologize. We will step it back up when we get a chance, but right now it's just not feasible. Listen, we have a huge announcement and I want to say this while you're listening. Yes. Saturday, May 9th at the Rose Bowl, in Pasadena, California during Netflix is a joke, festival. Me, Tom, and. Speaking of donuts. Jelly roll. We'll be doing the. Two bears. Okay. Two bears, five K. It's back. This is the third year in a row, right? Yes. Third year in a row. It's on a Saturday. Which means you can come. O-Sus will be there. There's going to be activations. There's going to be vendors. We're going to announce all of that. All levels are welcome to run and it jelly rolls down. I think three hundred and seventy five pounds or something. And. What? And he, I found out mistaken. I think he said the next two bears, five K's at, he's taking his shirt off. He did say that. He said that last, at the last one. He looks great. He should be your inspiration. The first time we did it in Pasadena, the two bears, five K was Jelly's first five K. We crossed the line. Me, Him, Leann, and Bunny. And he was crying. And he said, "This is the change I needed. I need you to hear this if you're overweight. This is the change I needed. And Bunny looked at me and gave me a hug as you might have just saved his life." From that day to today, you look at how his life, he has lost two whole humans. It's crazy. And that, if you are overweight and you're in the cal, if you're married to someone overweight and you're in the California area, anywhere, it'll, it'll fucking Rancho Cucamanga make the drive in that Saturday and challenge yourself, start training right now. Challenge yourself to get ready. Start with walks, dude. Start walking. And by the way, walk it. If Jelly sees you, he'll dappy up and give you some love. Tom's going to have his headsets on, he's starting looking for a personal best. You're running it twice this year, I heard. And I am going to try to, I don't know what my goal time is yet. I have to figure it out. I mean, obviously trying to beat my previous times, but yeah, I am trying to do a personal best. I heard and I'm not saying, I won't speak for, I heard Jelly Rolls running it twice, I'm running it twice. Tom's running it twice. Fine. It's gonna be fucking great. If this wasn't right. But the first one we're going to go for it, right? Yeah. Oh, we're going for early one. By the way, I'm not even fucking around. Jelly Rolls running a faster 5K than I am right now. Really? His thing is, his mind over matter, he gets on there and starts running, he feels no pain, he feels no suffering, he just pushes it. He just goes hard as fucking, by the way, no shit, his legs are much stronger than mine. And I think he's lighter than I was when I was at my fattest. He's like 260. I was 275 when I started losing weight. When I did the last fucking 2Bars 5K, I was 265, he's lighter than I am. That's incredible. It is actually the coolest thing too, is like you really feel a sense of community at this thing. And I didn't know that that was going to happen. But you really feel the energy of everybody there and everybody's so just like positive and happy to be there. I tried to make a joke before we ran the Tampa one. I was like, why the fuck are we here? You know? Yeah. Can't believe we got up early to do this. And everybody was like, huh? I was like, oh, okay. Just kidding. Let's go run. Yeah. People are so enthusiastic and positive and you feel it when you're doing it. And if you're like, I'm going to get stuck behind, I'm going to struggle. Having a community with you, it helps you run through this thing, man. It really does. It really does. You'd be shocked how much faster you run when you're running. And I tell you, this is the key. Always find a great chicks ass to run right behind and it makes it so enjoyable. So I did it with the annex to me last year and I was like, look at her ass. It's perfect. And it's like, what about mine? I was like, well, that's what the guy behind you. Yeah. So we have slowing down or speeding up. You get more info at twobearers5k.com, sign up, challenge yourself. Challenge yourself. Get yourself healthy. It's really fun, man. We should also say that in addition to like just to let people know, the activations are super fun. There's always like games and there's recovery people there and there's music and there's drinks and there's food like it's a fun event. It's not just run. It's a whole event that is a blast to be at. And I will say this and I'm backtracking a little bit. I know that you probably maybe heard me talk about this when I was in the hospital and I got the blood clot and they rolled me and they said, you have a blood clot in your leg. Let's hope it's not in your lungs. But they go, it's probably not. They said that it's probably not. And when they rolled me from room four past 30 rooms to get me to the CAT scan, I looked and then I want you to hear this because it's very important. I looked at everyone. I rolled past and I went, thank God. I'm not them in my head. Thank God. I'm not them. And then they put me in the CAT scan. I said, are you allergic to iodine? I said, I don't know. I go, is there a way to test it? And he goes, well, no. I said, what if I am? And he goes, you go into anaphylactic shock. And I go, can you like pin prick my fucking pinky and put a little iodine on it and find out? And he's like, no, you're going to feel warmness in your throat and then you're going to feel like you're pissing your pants. Let's go. Puts me in, arms up. And then they stop the CAT scan halfway through and he looks at me and he goes, are you having a heart attack right now? And I said, I don't think I am and he goes, your blood pressure is through the roof. Your heart rate is skyrocketed. He goes, I think you're having a heart attack. We can't get a clear vision on the CAT scan. And I went, and I start thinking, am I having a, I go, I don't have any symptoms. I go to this warmness in my throat and I feel like, I can't see iodine. And then I go, no, but I'm having a fucking panic attack and he goes, okay, we need you to relax. I go, that's not going to fucking happen. And then, and then they put me back, they finish it and they, they, the doctor calls and he's like, he's not having a heart attack. His, his, his, his heart's clear, but he's got blood clots in his lungs. And the guy just goes, yeah, you got, you got blood clots in your lungs. And I went and I need you to hear this because we all right now go, thank God that's not me. That's what is important about this 5K. Thank God that's not me. You look at people fatter. I did that all the time. I look at people fatter and go, thank God that's not me. You see, there's a woman I follow who has like a major fupa and cooks breakfast for her kids every morning. And I go, who, thank God that's not me. That's what we all do. And I'll tell you on my ride back on my gurney, back to my room, I had a very different perspective and I, that, everyone I looked at, they're not looking at me going, thank God that's not me. He was just having a heart attack in the fucking cat scan and he's got blood clots in his legs and his lungs. How do you treat that? What do you have to do? Blood dinners. And, and, and I'll tell you right now, your, your, your health is very precious. Yeah. And it's a perspective shift you need to have and stop. I did it. You know I did it. You know my lifestyle. You know that I always said, thank God that's not me. I work out every morning. I fucking drink a lot of water. I'm the fucking guy. Until one day, when I was getting rolled back, I saw a guy that looked just like me. Just like me, except he had shoes on. That's it. And I gave him a thumbs up, like, hoping that we connect, like, it's going to be okay. And he looked at me and just shook his head, no, and I went, well, fuck man, this is, this is reality right now. I'm a guy whose blood pressure, my blood pressure, Tom, yeah, obviously with the panic attack and my leg throbbing a lot of pain was like 175 over 110. And they're like, it's because you're in a lot of, I mean, the pain was insurmountable. Where is the pain in my, in my whole leg, my whole leg, we're below the blood clot. And it was throbbing like crazy, like crazy. If people go like, I don't know, maybe I have a blood clot. No, you know, you absolutely go, I have a blood clot. It's in my leg. It's killing. I still can barely use two of my toes. And so, but that's my, my, my, I'm hoping that if you're thinking about not doing the 5K, you hear this story and you go, I don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in. Yeah. To the cat scan. I don't want to be the guy on the gurney. I don't want to be the guy. I, you know what I thought about is when we brought you in for your, for your arm and your leg. Yeah. And they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure 120 over 80. It's perfect. I thought, wow, I wish I was that guy, but I'm not. I'm really not. Well, I'll also say that like if you do pass away, the 5K will be a celebration of your life. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Yeah. We'll do a crazy eulogy at that and it will be, your face will be everywhere. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, fucking porous social. Fucking skyrocket. It'll be awesome. You know, you go public with porousness tomorrow if I die. You think so? Oh, 100%. You're a good story. So you know, do you know, I wonder, I can't even think about death anymore. I can't think about it. Yeah. What else did I write down? Why are we at Fatty's eating? Fatty's eating? Oh, that's all I watch on Instagram. Whenever I'm on Instagram and I see like a sad, really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food, I'll be like, oh, I'll send this to work. Maybe a patch on their own. Yeah, that girl with a patch on her eye. Oh my God. It was so fucking good And I'm like the heat birds like this awesome. I don't know why I like it. I really tried to quantify it I should be I should bring it up in therapy Mm-hmm. I want to like because I What I identify with Which I think is interesting is You know everyone pretends like I've been around a lot of people to go. I don't care about fame, you know Yeah, and then you're like you're like, okay, and then but then if someone's famous there They're like holy shit dude the guy from third rock from the sun's here and you're like Okay, did you watch I show you like now? I saw like a couple times in college Dude, he's sitting right there, and you're like I thought you didn't care about fame You bet that's different. Yeah, and you're like and so I always find that interesting what what Instagram is given is everyone a platform and And it I don't I really don't think everyone wants to be famous. I really don't know But man, there's a lot more than your thought. Yeah, and I think there was a shallowness that we got Associated with when they're like, you know, look at me. Just wants to be famous. You know already severe is like One of the worst this is he pretends. He doesn't care about being famous. Yeah, he shits on a stage to get attention Right, but if you but if you say if I said I was hanging out with Bradley Cooper goes name drop. Why would you do that name drop? And you're like stop You're in the same business. I am you do the same thing. I do you do it the same way. I do it You do everything I do and by the way I've been with you on a celebrity walks by and you're like oh shit. It's fucking yeah, and he's a big crispy green guy Which is kind of yeah, dude. I've not heard from him in a fucking minute because he's like in the Amazon or some shit It's interesting you think We wouldn't know if he died not for a while eventually we'd find out, but yeah, not right away Yeah, he could be lost in the jungle right now, and we're just living our lives. Yeah, he loves that shit. How long plugs for months? Soft pitch How much would you fund an expedition to track down Rie two of our listeners two of our listeners two guys We'll fund it with they do all the research are you got to be out of work? You got to be out of work. You got to have nothing to do we'll fund it We're gonna pay your rent for while you're gone, but we're gonna have you go to track down Rie and Just recognize him and ask for a picture. I would But it's got to be that we really truly have no like if somebody actually is like oh, I know he's an Ecuador. Yeah, then it's not as fun It's not as fun, but it would be fun But you'll get a lot of volunteers for this man. Yeah, yeah, and go just all we need to do is track down Rie and just See you just you haven't responded to this email. Yeah, just be like hey, Bert texted you and you didn't respond Yeah, that's all hey, he wants you to respond and then just take off then leave and hand him a phone and go get back online Yeah, I'm guy. I know he's done this multiple times. We're like, where are you? He's just like he likes it in Southeast Asia He's he likes it and this is what I mean, obviously everyone knows I love Rie. There's what I do a respect about Rie Is he's not he's doing it for intrinsic value. He's not doing it. I mean, I'm certain there's a part of him that does it and I heal He'll lie about this, but there's a part of him that does it for the grandstanding up. I'm offline I'm disappearing. This is who I am. I'm different than you guys. He's the part of him that's that he's the biggest advocate in the people that we know of Put your phones down. Yeah, he's he really lives by he does Started saying that after the Kobe thing, but the He's like guys getting offline is really dangerous. Yeah, no, but he really does it like there's a part of him that does it I think and I think this is a curious thing. There's a performative part of it where he says I'm going to disappear for nine months No one will see me right? Yeah, but then that but then it's also very real is that he's doing it for intrinsic value He's doing it to really get off the grid and be present and live his life and not think about social media and not think about his career and not think There's you can't deny that despite the fact there is a performativeness of it that it is done for intrinsic value You know, yeah, yeah, that he does. Yes, I think he does it just to better himself and remove himself from the chaos of the the Western world and and the The latter climbing capitalistic bullshit that everybody's in. Yeah, I think he does it for that really does and tries to enrich himself. He was Never tell you about the time me and him hung out with Tracy Morgan. I hung out with them one time. Dude. He is he is Tracy Morgan is Just pure comedy. Like he's pure personality. It's a pure comedy and you know when you think about like Because there's levels of like when you look at black comics and I'm just saying black comics because that scene was a scene. Yeah At when in when I started in the 90s. I seen was a scene There are there are dudes That are naturally funny like off stage on stage naturally funny and then there's guys that are not naturally funny But they're very very funny. Yeah, they're on stage. They're very funny like I don't think I don't think Like anyone's ever gonna say my caps is the funniest fucking dude You see him and when you talk to him. He's just fucking. He's hilarious dude. He's hysterical my caps has been hilarious hilarious since day one and his energy is kind of It's got a little pimps This to it. Yeah, he used to fucking deal drugs and shit too. Yeah, Mike Epps Is one and he was another guy that I knew in New York and I didn't know if he knew me I never remembered me and I ran into him one time I was like Mike Epps is bird christian. He's like birdie bird and I was like it was like I don't know what it was like him and him and Cat Williams was the other one that I was like I didn't know if he knew I don't know why it was important that if they knew who I was I think it's just respected from your peers Well, yeah, but also black approval. It just feels so good. It does. Yeah, it does. Why? It just does dude John Mulaney came up to me. He's like, I like your last special and I was like, well, let's fuck her off No, I didn't say that he didn't say that either. Okay I don't think John Mulaney and I would have Anything to talk about I don't know there's I don't read He does read a lot like 600 page books I mean, it's not probably the only thing you could talk about John. I'd have more to talk about John Stewart than John Mulaney I would have I would have I would okay, I would have more to talk about with Jerry Seinfeld than John Mulaney I take that back. I'd have zero to talk about Jerry Seinfeld I don't think Jerry Seinfeld and I I think I think he'd do a lot of this to me. Huh? He's like the shirt Really the shirts off. He called me one time someone called me Yeah, just gonna call from Jerry Seinfeld about you It was like what about he was like he asked what's your what's your deal I was like cool. I was like what did you say? And I was like I said you're a great guy I'm like big Jerry Seinfeld just called me about you. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, you can call me You could have called me and asked me about me. I would have been like hey Jerry big fan. Yeah Well, whatever that might still happen I don't think so. You don't know that You said my name right when he introduced me on stage one time What wear a shirt? Christ your where the store where uh, what if he loves free bird I'll think you will I'm almost certainly won't Okay, I think he's uh, I think You know, it's it I think it would be hard to like any sitcom once you had done it perfect. Well, that yeah, you know what I mean like it's like like I look at young comics who post clips online and I go uh-huh. Yep Got it Okay, we all went through that material. Oh, yeah, but it's like it's hard because you're like once you've done comedy for 25 years You're like no, I understand we all experienced that at one point. It's like when a lot of new dads will do like Like new dad material I've been there but the authentic thing about like what I love about what you're doing is you're telling stories about the actual child Yeah, and and you're creating a character when you'd I'd look I hackily I did a pregnancy joke about when Leanne gave birth Every I heard fucking radio guys tell the same fucking bit. Yeah, and I was like, oh I was like, yeah, but in the in the moment you're like, oh, I'm experiencing this. I have a take on this Do you remember when you called me one time? You're like, have you ever been on a cruise? Yeah, and I was like oh my god Fucking You want to get it? I think it's in this circumstance. It's fine You've in had some health issues. Interesting. You're not going to answer it the guy who might be like no, no, okay My blood pressure this morning was 75 over 53 That's very low super low. Oh, yeah, I was almost passed out It was after my workout. You ever stand up and almost passed out. Yeah With all the beds. I'm on 516 meds. Yeah, every now. Oh, I didn't mention testosterone and gyro BPP 1557 and SR or 33 Yeah, no I'm a fucking my chemical romance. I am just chemicals right now except for the one I like alcohol and coffee No coffee. No coffee. No alcohol. No coffee marijuana. No nothing. No coffee is a big bummer, buddy I sneak it I don't tell me one That's that yeah, that's what they say to do That's coffee. No, I put a shot of espresso in there I can't in what in my shake. I don't tell you. Oh, the biggest shot of espresso. I want to just pour it in there And I don't tell anyone she's listening downstairs. She's not listening. She's too the the It's like, you ever, I know I can't have hot sauce, but then sometimes I'll accidentally spill it on my plate and go, "Oh my God, what the fuck's that?" I'll just stop it up with this. - Why can't you have hot sauce? - 'Cause I violent diarrhea, and I get sick. - Yeah, yeah. - But then I go, I don't know why I still have hot sauce. - Yeah. - But I still put it on, and I know that I'm gonna be sick. I know I'm gonna wake up at the middle of the night and just shit, and I go, it doesn't matter. - He's doing it anyway. - Yeah. - I do that sometimes. I do that sometimes, where I go, this is gonna really make me pay a price. - It's like deep fries. - It's like guys who cheap, but they go, I didn't fuck right there, suck my dick. - That's not the same. - Yeah, I don't know. - That's fine. - I've never achieved it. - No, of course. - Maybe. The. All right, two bears, five K. - Two bears, five K. - Of course we green. - Wait, two bears, five K, main ninth. Netflix is a joke festival. It's gonna be a blast. Are you gonna be there? - Yeah, of course. - We gonna do my show with Shaq. - When? - I think it's the night before the five K. - Maybe. - Yeah. - We should get Shaq to run the five K. All you gotta take is seven steps. (laughing) - Where are you doing your show? Where is this comedy store? - Oh, that's awesome. - We're just doing what we're doing is, we're filling the room with all of Shaq's friends, all of my friends. Maybe all you gotta do is sit in the front row. We just want interesting people for the guys on stage to talk to. So it's all crowd work, all in the show. It's all crowd work, it's all improv, it's no material. It's just fuck around in the room. No recordings, all the cell phones are taken. - Yeah. - It's just, and then if you have a joke about Shaq, please make it. - Okay. - Because Shaq loves getting fuckin' roasted. - That's fun. - And so it'll be blast, and Shaq loves you. - Ooh. - So we have that free birds out. - Free birds out, thank you everyone for watching. - Teacher, my specials on Netflix, watch that. Love you, love you guys. We'll see you soon. ♪ Bird time, time and bird ♪ ♪ One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and birds the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Two bears, one cave ♪ (upbeat music)