What's up guys big J check out big J comedy dot com for tickets to all my dates I'm all over the place everybody got some theaters coming up the Pantages theater this Friday in Minneapolis after that the Egyptian theater and Boise, Idaho on Saturday Buffalo, New York Harrisburg, Pennsylvania never never ends the greatest yet for a life tour happening now in a city near you and come see me on the road this weekend I'll be in Rosemont Illinois Sunday the 14th of June I'll be in Chicago right after that I got Lahoya, California coming up Baltimore, Maryland, Lafayette Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana go to my website Lewisofskanks.com to grab tickets for the Rattling this tour all right let's start the show holy shit what is up Los Angeles Netflix the joke festival please make some noise and here let them know you're alive Los Angeles Los Angeles that could be louder right is that good turn it the fuck up they need to hear the Puerto Rican rattlesnake Los Angeles how you guys feel tonight we always we gotta ask every crowd I feel like this is a dumb question but how many people here unfamiliar with the game of story wars who is not familiar with the game story wars or a fuck you buddy fuck you that's an Netflix executive fuck you asshole fuck my dick who all day we are hilarious we are hilarious if you're unfamiliar with the game which is first time listening at home it's a very simple game we'll explain have to begin our amazing panel of contestants up on this stage your first contestant with a record of one and three on story wars you probably know from kill Tony makes some noise for the hilarious Tony Hedge Good Tony Hedge Cliff back at home the king of the main room here in Los Angeles finally the golden pony has come back to Los Angeles the fuck is up Tony you are a former story warrior which is a very exclusive group of people how do you feel about tonight's and for chances thing is I'm going to study my opponents early on and then when we get to my favorite part of the show I'm going to dominate it's a little part called double points our second competitor coming to the stage with a record of oh and one in story wars history you might know I'm from a little show called the Tim Dylan shall put you together for Tim fucking Dylan so far it's an old gay lineup well Tim buckle on your nuts my friend because last but not least our final contestant of the evening with a record of oh and one on story wars from two bears one cave from somethings burning from free bird on Netflix bird christcher in the house and somehow the panel got gayer bird you're back on the show we're so happy to have you here you look great you're all jacked yeah thank you hell yeah bird a sober he's never played the game sober so maybe that's part of your strategy tonight I'm much better sober I think nice I listen more since my therapist look they're booing you they don't worry guys I only have two months of sobriety left we're good aren't fans great I have to be sober fuck you pussy you should have heard my response to the doctor doctors that you have to be sober for six months and I went in a row and then and then I swear to god my first words when the doctor said it was January 11th that she said I had a blood clot and I couldn't drink I'm such a meat and I said what about the Super Bowl she said you already had your Super Bowl January 6th not a big insurrection audience okay James James just leaned into me in whispered he was like these are all like the nice skanks fans but they love a chance still which I appreciate if it was your first time watching home your first time here at story wars the very simple game all five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject tonight's subject Lewis confusion oh Alex our lovely producer over there is going to read any of those stories one in a time in random order and they will appear here on the screen and on your tablet if it is your story you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story if it's not your story it's your job to guess whose story it is every time you guess the story correctly you get two points for every person you fool in the family you get one point so when it's your story on that screen you get an opportunity she's a fucking Christ get the show gone oh my god you want to take this thing to another lovely you got to get to it Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony you know I feel like a man sucking my cock right now that's how good I feel Tony I want you to I think something you don't know is that Lewis has been panicking about his part of the speech in the back for the last half hour yeah I've changed it and practicing it for me in the mirror while I shadow box now you've thrown me off completely you a piece of shit if I interrupted somebody I killed Tony he would have me shot in the head at the mothership in front of everybody there's a full staff of guys are to shoot you in the head for that read laser dot on my forehead and I get shot in the fucking head with a bow and arrow by Joe Rogan for interrupting a kill Tony speech a piece of shit every I feel like Rogan I feel like Rogan always has an arrow trained on you while you're on stage waiting for you to give me excuse every time you fool a person in the panel you get one point so when it's your story of an opportunity to get four points that is a huge opportunity when it's your story do not waste it once you put your answer in the tablet and lock it in and put your tablet right here that is it you cannot change your answer everyone's excited about the tablet look I did it I did it tablets and I'll tell you right now listen to me you sir you the guy who who's never been before this is going to be so much fun you fucking piece of shit you're going to have more fun than you've ever had in your entire life but you know what sir we're not playing for fun you know what we're playing for today every week here on story wars we're playing for a book from the story wars library tonight's winner takes home men explain things to me by Rebecca Solne men explain things to me as a feminist take on how men often just assume they know more than women in conversations Rebecca Solne uses real examples to show how this dynamic shapes who gets heard and who's ignored Lena Dunham called the book of essays the most clarifying soothing and socially aware document I've read on the topic this year that's coming from famed fatso Lena Dunham
Security, remove this guy right now, I will not be bullied by Shane Gillis but he's not even in the room. He sent him. I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it. If you don't, you're gonna pick it up as we play along. So I guess, is this crowd ready for war? Los Angeles, Netflix is a joke festival, are you ready for war? Then Alex, would you please, story number one. Story number one. I was once confused with the cousin of a person in a rock band which allowed me backstage access to a show. This could be Louis. I do look like a cousin of people in rock bands, but I feel the only two people brazen enough for this are Bert or Louis. It sounds like a very Bert or Louis, so I wouldn't do, I would be panic that the fucking jig would be up any second. Yeah, but you love rock bands. You love fucking being confused, I think we could all safely say it's Louis now. Big J, you love rock shows, you go out to rock shows, it's kind of a big part of your identity. Yeah, and honestly, I also wouldn't give a shit about going backstage, that's like a big deal for you to be about rock stars because you are a climber. Dude, you're pushing this on me so hard, it's 100% you know. Yeah, I'm thinking it's the basis from Metallica and they're like, oh, Ola, go most out of steady backstage. And Louis was like, oh shit, that's primo, oh yeah, I forgot that guy is a Mexican like you. They probably would call it for sure. Louis J Trujillo, it's definitely not Tim, yeah, 100% not Tim. Stop me. Yeah, nobody, yeah, didn't nobody's confusing Tim for anybody. I get confused with a lot of dead comedians. Patrice? Tim looks like Patrice and Whiteface. This is not me, I don't think it's Tony. It's not Tony, Tony doesn't go to see rock shows. No, I go to see Broadway musicals. Yeah. But also confused with the cousin of a person in a rock band, so it's like not the person in the band. Right. Which is a weird thing anyway. Does it get strange? I feel like Tony would enjoy backstage access to a show. He would show his backstage access, I know that. I mean, it does, you get Duke out of kind of look at who would write this like this, right? Like, it seems like someone illiterate, right, kind of disgusting. Yes. Not the schools weren't good, maybe the mom wasn't checking the homework because she was on heroin. Yeah. The junk will stop you from mothering sometimes. Yeah. And Jay wouldn't be confused for a cousin, he'd be confused that he works as a roadie. Right. Yes. They'd be like, "Hey man, you can't come back here." Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll go, "No, that's Gus's kid." And I'm like, "Yeah. Hey." And it's also somebody who's like, "Oh, you're the cousin of whoever." They go, "Yeah, yeah." Like someone's got to just roll with it. Yeah, that's something. I would be like, "Yeah." Or you have me, like I said, I wouldn't like, I wouldn't take the stolen valor because I'd be afraid I'm going to get caught on that at the worst time. Jay started this conversation off blaming Lewis. I don't know. It's like, that's what I look like. For you. Or it's, it's probably me. That's a good play if it is. All right. I'm putting my answer in Estonia Hinge Cliff. Final answer. I'm getting the voting going. I don't know how that does make sense. Man. Okay. Can I watch what everyone else votes for before I vote? Yeah, there's no rules here. Jay, who are you voting for? I feel like, like Lewis convinced me to Tony somehow. Yeah. But if that got me off of Lewis, it's going to make me so upset. Fuck. I think it's a good move. Who would you put? I put Tony. He's locked in on Tony. He looked. People are very fucking happy. Tony does have cousin energy. And he could be like a cousin of like a weezer guy or something like that. I give off Uncle Energy, Tim gives off Uncle Energy, Tony's got cousin energy. Yeah. That's right. Or Lewis. Cause Ethnics are all cousins. Got you. It's not that. It's only one band that's got a Latino basis. Yeah. Most rock bands are white. Yeah. It's white people. So somebody who would be a cousin would be white. Kind of. Right? I mean, if you think about it. Yeah. It's what's most likely is a white person. Well, I'm lockin' in Tony. I did it. I'd fuck this. Well, I mean-- Big J. Locks in Tony Henscliff. I could understand why you guys are doing what you're doing, but again, I'm looking at how this is written. And again, just in the literate dumb fuck. I'm locking in Lewis J. Gomez, everybody. Good day. What's your mouth? You have to lock it in, Tony. Oh. What the fuck? Why? Backstage access to show. Tony looks for me. Is our name supposed to-- You slide it over to lock it in. All right. Guys, I'm picking Metallica. No. And I'm picking it. Tony's fooling everybody. Look at his fucking face. It's the same face. I always have. It's the same face. I always have. Oh. Look at the poker player. Rock bands are white. Stop saying that. I've got to-- I'm going to say Lewis. God damn it. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I mean, you're hand turkey. Why are you hand turkeying me now? It is you. Did you just hand turkey me to make me feel good before you fucking-- Alex, all of our answers are in one story down, a little bit of technical difficulty. But it's OK. We got there. Sorry about that. Story number one belongs to Lewis. Yeah. Come back. [APPLAUSE] I fucking knew it. When I saw that comma after a rock band that doesn't belong there, there should be no comma there whatsoever. I didn't have a writing all week. Sometimes I just throw a comma in. I was like, just in case. Right. He wrote it originally with the word "got" instead of "allow," which got me back. And he was like, "allow, allow, allow." Sometimes if a sentence goes on too many words, I throw in two commas. You see, you don't know. Yeah, this was-- Years ago, I was a teenager. And it was a kiddie concert. I don't know if you guys remember the all-female teenage metal band-- I just saw him last weekend. You saw them last weekend, two weeks ago. So they were playing an Irving Plaza. And I had met kiddie in Albany like a year before. And we hung out. There was like nobody in the crowd. There was like 10 people. And we hung out that night. And they were like flirty and cool. We thought we were so awesome. They were 14. They were 14 years old. I was maybe-- I was 16. So then we got-- we go to Irving Plaza and we're in the front row, like jamming out. And then I see the bassist looks at me. She's like, oh, you. And I was like, oh, she remembers me. Oh, shit. And then she's like, come on. Come on, come on. Me and my buddy go advice us backstage. And then literally, we're sitting there for a minute. And she was like, wait a minute. And then she was like, oh, I thought you were the cousin of one of the guys in Slipknot. And I was like, oh, oh, well, not. Don't you remember you're from Albany? She's like, no. And then we just all really sat in the green room for the entire night. Yeah. You guys wanted to suck my dick that one night. All right. Alex, where are our points at? All right. In last place with zero points. Big J. Okerson. [APPLAUSE] It's all right, it's all right, it's early, it's early. In fourth place with one point, Lewis J. Gomez. You're welcome. Thank you, J. And tied for first place with two points, each Tony Hinchcliff, Tim Dillon, and Bert Kreischer. Wait, I don't get points for them guessing. Don't you hear me wrong? I feel like I should get points for that, but OK. Tony, I explained the rules before the show. It's too busy making cat noises. What's up, story warriors? Let's take one second to thank our sponsor for today's show, and that is HIMS, everyone. Stop getting all in your head about your ED. We know you have Limp Weeners, and we're here to help. You can treat it the easy way with HIMS. They help you get personalized prescription treatment options for ED with trusted genetics that cost 95% less than brand names. 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I'm going to BodyBringCoffee.com BodyBringCoffee, the company that I started about a year ago, taking the world by storm, genuine, real, incredible coffee blended with the tropics and adaptogens that are going to make you feel like you're the best version of yourself. If you've ever drank a functional coffee, a lot of the teas like crap. We all know this. I'm not going to name any names, but if you've tried some of the competitors, they don't taste good. This is real coffee. Our main premium ingredient is coffee and it's blended with Tonka Dalai, Lines, Maine, Ashwagandha and Elthene into this five ingredients. That's it. No, Lewis. That's not true. There's six ingredients you're forgetting one. What's that? Love. Love and care. You're right. Well, it's seven. Love and care. Love. And a little bit of piss. Love. We dry piss. You're love and dry complex. All right. None of that's in that topic. If you like to, if you're a freak, like Jay, the ingredients have been linked to testosterone support, overall mood, brain function, memory. I mean, genuinely complete cup. Focus on both your body and your mind. You get drink it hot. You get drink it cold. Put it in a protein shake, which is my favorite way to drink it and literally home about to go do it right now. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com. Use the promo code war 20 war two zero to save 20% off today. Give it a try. Subscribe. If you subscribe, you save 20% and we're going to give you free shipping for life, which is pretty incredible. So once again, bodybraincoffee.com. War 20 is the promo code. All right. Where were we? Alex story number two. Story number two. One time a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she was having sex with me, but it was the other guy. It's no one here. Well, I'll say it's no one there. I mean, it's, it's saying it's like obvious that it's no one here. So all I'm saying is no girls ever fuck two birds. Two birds. Tim, you've had sex with women though a couple times. It says one time a girl confused me with a guy with a man. That's like a lot of that's very complicated. Yeah. And you know what? I don't think that a guy with the same first name. What's a comment? Well, everybody has common first name. Luis is the fucking Joe of Mexico. Right. Right. Jose is the Joe of Mexico. Jay and Jay is a pretty common name. Sure. Tony is a wildly common name. Let me just say. Let me take a moment here because there's something none of you know. Right. You guys don't have screens. Do you? So let me read it one more time for you from my perspective. One time a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she was having sex with me. Come on. But it was the other guy. This sounds like a chapter from your book. It does. It does. It does sound like a chapter. Yeah. Spoon's comma and nods. You're like the eighth grade girl that learned about the semicolon and put it everywhere. I've never used a semicolon correctly in my life. What does it even for? It's a I don't know. I was going to do a colonoscopy. Yeah. I mean, the slaps of Lewis. You think it's laps of me. Yeah. I'm saying this is a hundred percent Lewis. Guys, and I mean this, you're about to give somebody a wild amount of points if you all vote for me. No matter. I've known anyway. You are you're I can't believe you're that this bad of a liar. I watch you lie the first time and I'm watching you lie again. But here's a thing. There's not a lot of Lewis is not as common in name as you would think. Yeah. How many how many Lewis's are in the room? One woman. Lewis not. She's fucking hammered. Louise. Louise. Oh, you're right. Maybe in your culture, Lewis is very popular. It's very, very, very common. There's a lot of Mexicans. Have you heard you're hunting indigenous? You understand? It's Louise, but it says Lewis and Lewis is very common. Tony and Jay are the most common names on the panel. Tim does not have sex with women. It's either Jay or Tony. Let's fucking cut the bull. Let me just say that this thing has nothing to do with having sex with a woman. You're not reading it correctly. I don't fully understand it. Now I actually think it might not. By the way, I've read it five times. I still don't know what it is. Yeah. One time a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she's having sex with me. It's not it's not me, but number one, it's also not a story. It's not a story. It's not a story. It was the other guy. Tony is my vote once again. Tony Henscliff trying to convince everyone that he's had sex with a women. I know what your game is. That's right. That's right. I like points. I'm going for the win and I'm going to be honest with you. There's been one person who's been particularly quiet on this one. And I love. Yeah. I'm going with big Jay Oakerson. There's a lot of Jay's. Jay this, Jay that. Yeah, but there's no way a woman's going to forget the fingerless gloves and the fucking wallet chain. You're going to know exactly who you're having sex with. You're having sex with big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson. The short Asian fella. No. No, that's so many different. I'm guessing Jay flips the lights off before banging. Yeah. So you don't see me in my tank top anyway. Jay has sex like Jay has sex like fat teenager swim in a public pool. Oh, absolutely. I dress for sex like I'm going to wrestle you. Boxer brings to the tank top. It comes in like a singlet. Okay, fucking Rick Steiner. What are you thinking? I'm thinking Tony. You fucking asshole, but if it's you, you guys are really both going to just waste your boats on me again. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. These people. Can I lock it in? You're gonna lock it in. Yeah, lock it in. Whatever you like. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Two votes for Tony. One vote for big Jay. Bert looking very confused. I want to I'm watching Tim. Well, thank you very much. You know, guys, we got to move on with this round. Yeah. No, it's good. These guys are playing. No, I like the silent fucking ass. I'm voting big Jay. Yeah. I'm voting big Jay. Why are you voting big Jay, Bert? Because Jay is more common than there's Jason, there's Jay. There's Jay. It's just more common than Luis. Jay threw me off the fuck. Jay threw me off when he was like, there's not a lot of luices, especially like. Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of luices either. Really? I work in a studio every day with two luices. Yeah. And in New York, I feel like it's more common. And two of my broadcasts, I work with three people named Louis. Let me tell you at the end of this, if it's not big Jay, if it I'll be fine, if it's anybody, but if it's Luis, I'm going to be so pissed because of that fucking. It doesn't make any fucking sense. It does. Two stories in a row. There's a comma. Guys, you would never put a comment. Yeah. I'm going to break it down. If it's you, I'm going to break the tab like I used to break my video games. But I got a god, I want to say Lewis. If I grab that screen and turn it around and show you, I want to start a Lewis. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm
going on the name alone, Big J. - Wow. - Wow. - Lots of votes for Big J. - Oh, he's so happy. - Wow. - Oh, fuck me. - He's too late, it's already locked in. - He was fucking Lewis. - It was fucking Tony. - It's Lewis, isn't it? - Oh, if it's Bert, I'm gonna punch air. (laughing) - Alex? - Oh, it's, Alex, your story wasn't. - Story number two, belongs to. Bert, Christmaw. (audience cheering) (audience clapping) - You guys are forgetting that Bert is the original illiterate idiot. (laughing) He was doing it before I was doing it. - Two birds? - Dude, a girl in my English class in college came up to me and said, "Two birds, one slut." (audience laughing) - She said to me, "Are you gonna see Obi today?" And I went, "I am." And she goes, "Well, let him know I'm fucking Bert Christchurch." And I went, "You are?" And she goes, "Oh, yeah." And he's got a girlfriend. And I went, "He does." She goes, "Yeah, are you going to the K.A. function?" And I went, "What?" She goes, "Yeah, because you know, "Bert's a K.A." And I went, "No, Bert's an H.O." It's I'm Bert Christchurch. She goes, "No, you're Bert Bagley." (audience laughing) And I said, "I am." (audience laughing) And she goes, "Yeah, I'm fucking Bert Christchurch." And she left. And I went up to Bert Bagley. And I was like, "Hey, man, are you fucking a chick "in using my name?" He was like, "Yeah, I don't tell anyone." (audience laughing) I was like, "Dude." And he goes, "Oh, by the way, "if you want to fuck anyone and use my name, feel free." (audience laughing) He spelled it with a U too. - Wow. That's a good one. - That's a good one. - Alex, two stories down to where our point's at. Bert pulls ahead, nice and hard. - All right. Big J. Ogerson. (audience cheering) - It's early. - In fourth place with one point, Lewis J. Gomez. (audience cheering) - I'm number one. - Tied for second place with two points each. Tony Hinchcliffe and Tim Dylan. (audience cheering) - And in first place with six points. Bert Kreischer. (audience cheering) (audience cheering) - Wow, Bert pulls ahead. - Hard. - It's early in the game. - Very early in the game. - Very early. - Alex is getting my dick kicked in. - It's all right. - You're good, Jay. We're keeping this book. - Alex, story number three. (upbeat music) - Story number three. (laughing) - I once returned an ice cream cake because it was smaller than it looked. - I mean, come on, it's 10. This is as Tim Dylan is to come. - That's absolutely not true. Here's a thing. No. Five, by the way, give me all the, give me the, whatever, give me the points. I don't have a family. Why would I buy an ice cream cake? It's somebody with a family. - Tim, I know. - I'm pretty sure, somebody with a family. - I'm pretty sure one of your helps. - I would never return. I would never return the cake. - Hold on, hold on. The ice cream cake was created. Blocks from where he grew up. Cookie Puss is where he grew up. - I will say, Tim, I want to one of your houses once and you got it. - Strategically, you purchased a house near a Carvelle. - That was, that was, I've had ice cream cake at one of your parties. - Well, that's, yeah, but that's human beings, do that. - Fudgey the whale, you have company. - I'm sorry you weren't serving fentanyl like your mother. (audience laughs) - Oh, it's getting bloody in here. - Oh my God. - It's getting bloody. - Oh boy, there we go, the lovely Saraphina. (audience cheers) - Bert, I'll sell you a heart for $100,000. (audience laughs) - I'll tell you, I'll tell you, can she read and write? (audience laughs) - Shem, this is, this must be your story. How is this not your story? It convinced me that this is not you. - Well, it's, it's very obvious, it would be me. So why would I even submit it? - I know, there's a part of me that thinks this is a great, Tony best draft. - Genuinely, genuinely, I would not submit that for every reason that you mentioned. - Yeah, legitimately. - That's actually the most logical thing that I've heard here. It's such an obvious Tim's story that maybe it's not Tim. - It's 1,000% obviously, I would not submit it. - Big J, I don't know, Big J is an ice cream cake guy. - I like ice cream cake, one of my, who am I lying to? It's not my, it's not my jam. - It's time to lie. - I just wanted to lie, but if I did get it, I said small ice cream cake, I would be like, that's God telling me. - It's somebody that probably has a family that goes, this is not gonna feed the family. So they returned it. - I mean, like, I'm kind of confused to be honest with you. - Like, what do they mean by smaller than it looked? Like it's, what do you think that means? - I'm assuming they thought it was gonna be a larger ice cream cake. - I would never get the wrong ice cream cake. - That's true. - Then it looked online. - This could also, this could be bird. Also, after the words ice cream cake, there could be a comma. There's not, but I'd put one there. - It would have been, I comma, once returned. - I comma, and ice cream cake, comma, semi-common. - Lewis, I would have just bought two ice cream cakes. If it was me, I don't return things. I never send food back. I never, I would have bought two ice cream cakes. It's, and Jay would have said, I'm too embarrassed to go back and return this. It needs to be the kind of person that's got a little, a little thorn in their side. That maybe once ran, rave, I go Tim Dylan. - Well, it's, I'm the obvious choice, but it's somebody who has a family who bought something and said shit, it's not gonna feed them, got in the car, and then went back in. - It's not me, but what do you think in Tony? - Tony's being a little silent over here. - I mean, you know, you're a single father. It seems like an ice cream cake would be something nice you could do to overcompensate for your son who doesn't know any better. You know what I mean? Like a really special thing. Like, well, you've never even had anything this delicious son, this is special, and you're like, fuck, this is fucked up. Like I could kind of see you having like, you know, your little, you know, fenced in yard in New Jersey, and you being like, this sucks. This ice cream cake sucks. I'm gonna go get a real cake. I can see you like getting mad about it and doing it. - I don't know if Lewis is a big returns guy. - Yeah, I would just, right? - By the way, what a sad visual. It's just Lewis and his son sharing an ice cream cake for his son's birthday, and his son goes, I thought it would be bigger, and he's like, I know. And he goes, that's what your mother said. - Yeah. - Are you gonna eat your half dad? Yeah. Yeah, I miss mom, me too, son. I don't think it's Lewis either. - No. - I don't think it's Lewis. - Yeah, again, the return for me is the thing. I'm so quick to just keep a thing forever that I hate because I'm like, I don't wanna go back. - It's not me, it's not Jay, it's not Lewis either. Tim or Tony. Tony is smart enough to give us the Agatha Christie switch where we think it, would we all go? It's gotta be Tim. - I know more about ice cream cake than anyone here. I would never buy the wrong one. - Yeah. - I would never walk in. I would never walk in and go, oh, which one do I need? - Also, this could be Tony playing for the fifth time now, playing a high level game here because really, it sounds by getting upset with an ice cream cake being too small, is anybody else on this panel accept Tony's? Like, he's the smallest by far. And it's sea of fat dudes. I still go burt, I still go burt 'cause burt has children and a wife, I go burt, you know. - Well, Tim, that was a pretty slick move, my man, but that just drove me right in the year fucking garage. - Yep, hey Jay, Jay, I agree with you 100% locking in Tim. - I mean, my instinct says Tim, but there's something about his face right now that's making me believe him. - It's not, I'm telling you right now, I would not submit that because it's obviously me. - Fuck, I have to go with my instinct. Tim, I'm sorry, if it's not you, whoever played this game, played it perfectly, but my answer is Tim Dylan. - I think we've been looking at it all wrong. Now that I think about it, we've been picturing a birthday cake, a family oriented event, but maybe just maybe, Lewis gotta cake, maybe this was a funeral cake when his father died. And perhaps he wanted to stab, he wanted to cut the cake, just like his dad was cut with a knife. - I'm still going, I'm still going, I'm still going, I'm sorry, Lewis, I'm in full roast mode right now. God, this is a tough one. - If you don't vote for me after all of that, that's just hurtful, who there was no reason for that. He's like, all that is parents are dead, fucking burnt. - Just wanted to remind you that you have no paternal love in your life. Your thoughts? All right.
You know, I'm going for points here. I'm going for the win. I don't think anybody has big J, right? Does somebody else have big J? I'm going big J, ladies and gentlemen. I'm a believer. I need the points. All the answers are in for story number three. Alex, we're who's story is story number three? Surin number three belongs to Tim Dillon. I mean, how could we anybody else? What are we talking about? I mean, how do you lose that? How do you lose that? That's insane to lose that. It was a poor Mexican woman. I said I thought it was a different size. This doesn't work. I thought it was a different size. This doesn't work. That's exactly what I said. I'm going to it doesn't work. She goes, how many people are you trying to feed? He goes, "Wolocks." "Wolocks." It's just me and nine of my friends. Did you end up getting a larger cake? Yeah, I got the right cake. I got the correct cake. Right for the situation. Did you wait there? How long was the wait for the bigger cake? No, she went. She took it. She immediately turned around, picked up the bigger one and gave it to me. Yeah, it was pretty obvious the whole time. I can't believe how long we spent. You're a good liar. You're a good liar. I thought I had you with the hole that was so obvious. No, I know. You did, by the way. I remember the last time we played, Tim is a very good liar. Yeah, the way he was saying, I would never do that. I would never submit that. That's too obvious to me. Very convincing. Three stories down, Alex, were our points. All right, tied for fourth place with two points. Each big Jay Okerson and Tony Hinchcliffe. You know I love being a bottom. Tied for second place with three points. Each Lewis, Jay Gomez, and Tim Dylan. And in first place with eight points. Bert Kreischer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels good. Thank you. Yeah. Bert, you are so close to being able to read men explain things to me, which addresses man's explaining, covering how sometimes men speak over women in ways that shut their voices. The author argues that despite their natural inclinations, men should refrain from interrupting women as it diminishes their credibility and makes their contributions easier to dismiss. We do that, I will say. We do that a lot. We do do that. But ladies, how about you speak the fuck up? Lena Dunham said it was a revelation. She's a pig. Three stories down, Alex, story number four. Story number four. While tripping on acid, I approached a police officer. I told him exactly what I had done. He looked confused and told me to go home. If I approach a police officer before I open my mouth, they shoot me in the chest. This is a white person story through a hundred person. Lewis Lewis, it's not Lewis. It could be, it's not me because I only took LSD once when Ari made me. Oh, yeah, it's not you. It's not you. I watched that live and he said, I've never done LSD before. Why did you guys do this? This is true. Bert Kreischer watches all of Ari's dostings very closely. Very closely. You guys see him to win, blows it back your direction. Yeah, so Tim, you were a big drug guy back in the day. I was, but I wasn't a rat. I don't talk to the cops. No, I never did that. Never did LSD? No, I never went up to a cop. It's a ham on LSD. You're supposed to say that. Yeah, well, of course, Bert, you don't let LSD in your day? Not a lot. This does seem like a porn campus thing. This seems like a me story. Yeah, it's not gonna lie to you. Bert, it was when he got the idea to take a shirt off. I'm trimming on LSD and he's like, just go home and I go, good call. But this is not enough. It's not me, it's Tony. This is a white guy in the 80s story, like straight up. Yeah, it's definitely a white guy story, but the cop just being like, get out of here. Yeah, it could be Tony. The Tony's very like, you know, non-threatening. Yeah, non-threatening has a nice guy. I have done acid. I've gone up to a police officer because I thought he was one of the YMCA village people. I was excited. I'm a big fan. Yes, where is the group? Where's the Indian? Where's that handsome biker fell that's not gay at all? That is the funniest thing to say if you get pulled over. So where are the other four here? Oh, I was hoping you'd be the construction worker. All right. Yeah, Tony, I mean, you've done a lot of LSD in your day. I've done it a few times, normally. Yeah. Yeah. Have you done it ever, Lewis? Yeah. Yeah. How many times? Maybe 20, 30 times in my life. What age did you start? First time I did acid, I was 18. Last time I did acid was maybe five years ago. Okay. Yeah. It's definitely not Jay. That's the only person you know. No, it's definitely 100% not Jay. Jay, I mean, has done LSD one time. He hated it. He questioned his friendship with all of us. Although you have no idea what I did after I left that show. I did walk home. You would have to a cop. My friends hurt me. I'm not talking to them for a little while. All right. This is Tony or Bert. Very obviously. I'm not thinking this is. Or you know what? It could be fucking Tim Dylan. Long Island, there's cops everywhere. There's also very suburban. There's cops everywhere all over the world. Yeah, but suburban cops are going to let you get away with this shit like this. You got to you got to think of how the story is presented, right? So it's Tim Dylan walks up to a cop and he's like, I'm an acid. Or you've got you've got Tony. I'm on LSD. I'm going Tony. I'm going Tony. If Tim said it, there's too much to it. When Tony says it, I just get the fuck out of here. It's not Lewis because this person uses the word wild. Wild tripping on acid. You would just say I tripped on acid. Also, if we're going with a punctuation again, three hard periods at the end of this. While tripping on acid, I approach the police officer. And I'm the only person up here that has a period, so. Could be me. That sounds like a Tony's sentence. Could that bird is a party guy? I told him exactly what I said. Birds of party guy might have been a cop on a college campus that didn't give a shit. Birds like, hey, I'm on acid. The guy's like, you know, confused, tells them they're going home. That's very possible. It's a very possible bird did a lot of partying. He's a fun guy. People like him. They're not really going to arrest him. Oh, I'm going bird. He's your convincing, man. You are a likable son of a bitch. And I'm just here's the thing. I want to say Tony, but I'm visualizing the story and all I can see is Bert, you doing this. I can see Bert doing it and I can see a cop going, just go home. Yeah. Yeah, your white go home. Bert Kreischer is my final answer. I'm going to say Bert Kreischer. I'm going Bert Kreischer. I as well, I'm going with Bert Kreischer. I can be wrong. I've swayed everyone now. I can be wrong. I have to go to Tony. Everybody in the front road thinks this is where I pull apart. There we go, Jay. We're going to have a new last place. Going on with Bert Kreischer. Guess me on the full load of crews. All of our answers are in Alex. Who's story story number four? Story number four belongs to Lewis. No, no, no. God damn it. I hate this game. Yes, this was one of my first time, first time stripping on acid. I took way too much liquid acid. Me and my buddy Dan already squirted it in our mouth, like when an eyedropper and we took who knows how many fucking hits each and he within 15 minutes, we were tripping harder than we had ever tripped. You stole the story. I did steal the story.
Dandordy runs off into the distance. He's just gone after 50 minutes. I don't know where he went. So then I'm just fucking walking around like this for the entire night. I end up in front of Dunkin' Donuts, just fucking like shaking. I go up to a cop car and it's exactly that. I was like, I'm on acid and the cop went, just go home. And then I walked around for another 10 hours, tripping on acid, believing that life was the same as death. And I really, I would have killed myself. I wanted to experience death. I was like the most beautiful thing in the world. My mind was death, but I couldn't hold on to the thought long enough to kill myself. So I never got there. It's been a clock in the morning. Four stories down. Each big J. Ogerson and Tony Hinchcliffe. And third place with three points, Tim Dillan. In second place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez. And in the lead with eight points, Bert Kreischer. Wow. Can I just ask, it's been a while since I played, and I'm always high and fucking drunk every time we do this. Can anybody tell me when the part starts that's known as double points? USA, USA, USA, USA, USA. Squawk. Well, we have reached the halfway point of the show. So real quick, we'll do some quick plugs. And then, yeah, we'll explain what happens in the second half. Bert, what do you plug in, my friend? Fully loaded crews in November. Yeah, fully loaded crews. That's it. That's it. I mean, I got tour dates or whatever, but yeah, what? I don't know. Yeah, two bears, I don't know, whatever. Tim Dillan, what do you plug in, my friend? Tim Dillan, show. Nice. There we go. Yeah, Tony. It's Killtony into a dome this Thursday. We started it 13 years ago up in the belly room with fucking 13 people. Now we're doing the into a dome Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th, for the third year in a row. We love New York. For if you as a don't know, tell us about that show. Well, you have 60 seconds. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means you have to wrap it up, and then it should bring out the anger U.S. Hollywood bear. It's just rudely interrupts you, and then I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to have the best fucking night of your life tonight alone. Let's start the show. We're doing it, Big J. We're really doing it. Big J, what are you plugging? Big Jcommy.com for all my dates. Listen to the bond fire with me and the great Robert Kelly, and of course, the Legion of Mother fucking Skanks. Yeah, check out all my pods that I do realize podcasts, Legion of Sanks, The Rags, go to my mailing list, sign up for that, and make sure most importantly, you guys subscribe to Gastigial. If you love this show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. Comes out every Monday night. If you hate censorship, guess what? You don't have to listen to a censored version of the show. Get
[email protected]. Use the promo code war. Save a couple bucks a month. It helps up the show directly. We have an on-demand library that is thousands and thousands and thousands of hours deep. So go do that right now. All right, J. Explain what's going on in the second half. Well, Tony and me, you probably feel I'm pretty shitty right now. Tim, Tim. And Tim, also, you probably feel pretty lousy, like there's no chance to even get back in this game. That's true. Why are we even playing? This is fucking dumb. It's two in the morning. Well, tell you why. It's because this game is one round away from switching 180 degrees. Because for the final four stories, we always go double points. It's very simple, whereas before, if you fold somebody you got one point and if you guess somebody correctly, you got two points, that now bumps up to double points. All right, story warriors. Let's talk about Harry's razors, which are the best razors on the planet. 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Yeah. So, okay, if I had any kind of dick or ball hair, but thank you, Harry's. Right now, you can shave your balls to face, fuck Lewis for a limited time story warriors can get the Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at harries dot com slash wars. Really, really just hit me to this is a story wars and not a skank's head. That's all right, though, for a limited time, one more time, that's the Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at harries dot com slash wars with a Z. The set includes the all new harries plus razor one refined five blade cartridge of two ounce foaming shave jail and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go just one more time. Head over to harries dot com slash W a R Z. What's up story warriors? We know we all can use a pick up in our days. Try one without the bad side effects are newest sponsor ultra pouches ultra pouches are designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. 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It's the ultimate guilt free pouch. Right now, just go to take ultra dot com and use the promo code war. W-A-R-Z to get 15% off today. Once again, that is take ultra dot com 15% off with code wars with the Z okay, story warriors. Let's thank chubbies for being a long time supporter of the show. Best shorts on the planet, comfy, quick drying, they help prevent chafing. They have wrinkle resistance fabric as well, which is incredible. They look and feel great all day long. Jay, what is there not to love about chubbies? Nothing. Unless you're a jerk off. They don't just make amazing shorts, which are the most comfortable and swimwear. I got these on the fully loaded tour. They gave us them as a gift, because I think burnt like some a lot and they are the most comfortable I've ever worn. But they also now have hoodies, rugby shirts and button downs that'll keep you comfy all year round. Do not wait for a very limited time. 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I have buddies that were in the strip clubs and they would go with the swissie pants, like the windbreaker pants. That was their thing. They go, "Oh, you want a swim breaker pants?" They go, "That's weird." Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHTER] Yeah, we know it's not Tim. It's not me. Not Tim. I think it's maybe Tony, maybe Jay, maybe Bird. I don't know that Big J gets-- he doesn't get lap dances. You're not a lap dance guy. No. But I mean, you have gotten lap dances. Is that a big J? In my life, I've gotten lap dance. I worked with strippers a long time ago. So I always got like weirded out by that pretty young-- when I was 19, I used to drive in the bachelor parties and shit. It was a-- it's pretty grisly business. [LAUGHTER] I love strip clubs. I just love going as whores dancing all over me. And I look at her pussy lips. And I'm like, yes. Give me more of that ice cream cake. I've gone to strip clubs at Lou Lewis's concert. And I go on my-- I'm not super into it. No, when I go to strip club, I'm like, all right, I'll be right back. I go in the back. I try to convince her to have sex with me for money. She doesn't, then we leave. Yeah. I'm just there kind of wingmaning that situation. And getting into new little wain tunes. Yeah. All right, we did a gig in Montreal years ago. At Jimbo's Comedy Works. And I got paid. I mean, I want to say $150 for the weekend. We went to the strip club. I went to the back. 4 PM. We go into the back. And she's like, she's like, you want to lap dance? I was like, sure, it's $20 a dance. And then she gives me a dance. And then she keeps going. I was like, oh, she likes me. She didn't stop. She's giving me extra dances. Like eight songs later, she took all of my money. And I was like, Jay, I need to borrow money for food. He came out furious. He was like, she just kept dancing. Like, she was into it. [LAUGHTER] She loved me, dude. You'll never feel worse when you tip Canadian strippers with coins. Yeah. Petting. They have a satchel, like Robin Hood. They're fucking-- [LAUGHTER] The Canadian strip clubs are-- Dude, 4 PM. The B squad. Canadian fucking chill. Oh, you used to have a joke about that. Remember you said they had the thing like a bus driver? Yeah, the fucking coin return. Thank you, young man. Here you go. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm getting Tony vibes. Tony is another guy. Goes out to the strip clubs, hangs out with all the ladies in Austin. You know me. You got me figured out. I'm always at the strip club. The Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, official sponsors of Kill Tony. I'm at the strip club all the time. Anybody that knows me knows, I prove I'm a man. I go to the strip club. I get boners there. I have to overcompensate. I have to overcompensate for my insecurities. I'm so straight that I love strip clubs. And I'm there all the time. I'm never working or writing or conquering the world, I just like looking at dumb sluts dancing. That's what I'm into. And that's why I am voting for Big J. Ogerson. I think he was raised in that type of life. I think he is a classy guy. I think he would never go without not paying a stripper. And I think that fucking, young fucking, she had been molested. She got fucking. These girls have been through a lot. And you did the right thing. You were able to prove that you paid her by an amazing way, because you learned these things. You know these things, and that's why I think it's great. At the end of the day, I'm a great guy. That's true. That's what I'm saying. And that's what I'm planning to say about you on the roast Kevin Hart on Sunday, live on Netflix. [APPLAUSE] I didn't know Tony was going to pick me. And I have Tony, because he really-- but I thought it was Bert. Bert was my first thought. Hard. You know what it is? I'm going to say the reason why I'm kind of leading toward Big J now as well, is because Big J does not like confrontation. Oh, not at all. This would be something-- this wouldn't either be a story that would register in most people's minds something that-- This is not you. No, it's not me. No. I'm like, bitch, I paid you. Do that to her. [LAUGHTER] No, like this is a story that it's like-- J's a very nice guy, especially when it comes to like, women, he doesn't want to be perceived. It's like a fucking creep. This is something that would resonate with you the one time that you felt embarrassed that everyone was looking at you, because they thought you didn't pay. So I'm going to actually put my answer. And final answer, Big J. Okreson. Wow. This guy's disagreeing. Wow. Well, J's going to pick Tony. Well, I'm going to pick Tony and you. I wouldn't pick me. All right. Tell me what you think of my friend. I'm thinking Big J. Yeah. Fire. I just hope it's not Lewis or Burke getting all these points and pulling away heavy. If it's Lewis again, whoa. Keep in mind, we've hit double points. Bert, what are you thinking? I know that. My, the thing that's confusing me is I've gotten enough lap dances where I don't understand the I proved I paid. Because you give them money. You go, here's-- you get done. And then she goes, it's $100. You go, here you go. Here's your tip. So that's where I'm-- so I think-- I think it might be someone who's trying to lie about going to a strip club. So that's why I'm going with Tony. Wow. [CHEERING] I think it's just a magic story. Tim Dylan, last one to vote. Lots of interesting theories here, Tim. So just to check, for each person that votes for me and they're wrong, I get a point. No. Oh, OK. It's double points. [MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you, Roots. You're Tony. I still feel like, god, I don't know. Now I think it's Bert, so we said it anyway. I'm just saying Bert, and I'll fucking lose. I think that's a great guy. I'm going to say it's fucking Bert. That's a great guy. I think Tim's got it. It just might not be Bert, but whatever I lose. I think it's probably Bert now. All of our answers are in. I'm thinking it's Bert, Alex, who's story story number 5. We had a whiteboard. Story number 5 belongs to Big J. Orgerson. [CHEERING] Yes. Here we go, baby. Here we go. Wait to strike like a little gay cobra. Was this young J or a Dolce? No, this is a Dolce. This is-- to give you a quick overview of how we got here, I knew a bartender and owner of a shitty strip club that was essentially a whorehouse across the street from Caroline's Comedy Club. And they would come to my show sometimes and bring some of the girls. I was opening for Brian Regan once, and they sat them in the front row. Two strippers and a strip club owner and a bartender. And long story short, they ended up punching a lady in the audience. One of the strippers punched an old lady in the audience because it was crazy. And so I was very angry with the owner and the bartender. And he goes, I'm so sorry about that man. He goes, one time when you're roaming around the city, come to the strip club, I'll have one of the girls suck your dick. So I said, all right, everyone in the show. I went, OK, that does ease the blow a little bit. So one day, I was walking around the city, and I was like, oh, look where I happened to be near. And I went in, and it was from the get-go. It was so seedy and weird. He goes, hey, this girl's going to take you in the back and give you a dance. And I went, I'll go, OK, he goes, and he told her, he goes, he's all taken care of. And I went, all right, and I went in the back. And then she went in the back, and she blew me. And when she finished, she was in there, and she goes, so I actually shouldn't say anything. I pulled out money, and I gave her 20, I broke. I gave her 20 dollars on tucks. I'm like, awesome. And she goes, she goes, I don't suck dick for 20 dollars. You think I fucking suck dick for 20 dollars? I'm not going to say you're just suck someone's fucking dick for 20 years, I threw it back. I mean, I go, no, no, the John, the owner, said that he took care of it. And she goes, oh, yeah, yeah. She goes, so did you like that, baby? And I was like, oh, no, not now. We can't go back. We can't go back. And that was the first time that Big J met my mother. And that's when I met Lewis's mom. It was very nice. Five stories down, Alex. Where do our points sit? All right. In last place with three points, Tim Dylan. I could turn it around. Tied for a third place with six points each. Big J. In second place with eight points. Bert Krasher. I didn't lead with 11 points. Lewis, Jay Gomez. That's right. It doesn't matter that I can't read or write. I'm in front of you.
- First place. - Your deception hurts the most. (laughing) - Alexandra, please give us story number six. (upbeat music) - Story number six. I once made fun of what I thought was a poor black man in the audience. Turns out he was one of the biggest rappers in the world. (laughing) - Oh, I think I was at that show. - Tony. - Yeah, Tony's a roast comic, he's racist. (cheering) - I love it, pick me. - He doesn't know what. - And now I think it's you, Lewis, 'cause you're the one jumping on the low hanging toys. - It's me, Lewis. - It's not me. - I would know, I'm actually, I listen to rap music, believe it or not, I was born and raised in an all black neighborhood. - I'm trying to think, Kurt Mesger, I had the thing where he was going at a guy that turns out it was Joe Budden. - Yeah, and that was a thing, but were you on that show? - I listened to rap, I know Joe Budden was one of the best presidents we ever had. - True that, true that. Guy ended slavery. (laughing) - And then our friend Rocco, right here in LA, didn't get stabbed in the neck with a bottle by one of the guys from Onyx. - Onyx, if fuckin' sticky thing is. - Sticky thing is stabbed him in the neck with a bottle. - But if fuckin' sticky thing is rules still. - He had, dude. I would rather hang out with sticky fingers than Rocco. - Sticky fingers almost rules for that. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm getting a Tony Hinchcliffe vibe. - Yeah, yeah. - Tony, Coney came up here in LA, lots of rappers, lots of musicians, he's a roast comic, goes at the audience. - You're not listening. I actually know rap music, like that's my thing. It gives me energy. I'm actually thinking Bert Kreischer, who gets to perform in front of a lot of, you know, a lot of big people, lot of big shows, a lot of like super bold, big things, right? Big events, there's rappers there. I don't think you know who they are. I think it's Bert Kreischer. And that's why I'm typing in, Bert Kreischer. - Tony's voting very early. He's freaking out right now. - I voted early for Big J, too, and I was right about that. - Audience can't see it, but there is an oddly placed unnecessary comedy in this fuckin' story. I was made fun of what I thought was a poor black man, the audience. Turns out, comma, he was one of the biggest rappers in the world. - Nobody that is the proper reason to use a comma. - I know, that's not how you use it. - That is the properly used common, that situation. - Oh, Tony can't even let it go. It's so Tony's defending the comma. - Motherfuck, that really really was Tony. - And that's why I wouldn't say that it's well written if it was me. What I, people are gonna tear this place down. Everyone, everyone knows it, Tony. - I wonder if you'd think it's Tony Hinchcliff. - Yeah, go with them. Go with them. - That's all I needed to know. - I'm calling ice right now. - Son of a bitch. - Our audience is smart, they're perceptive. Tony Hinchcliff is the best. - Did I tell this on a podcast? Sorry. (laughing) - I do it on story wars. - No. - It was on Perth's podcast. Oh my God, it was. - Son of a bitch. (cheering) - Yeah. - Lock it in, Jay. I'm such a retard. (laughing) - I really smoke too much pot. I don't ever, I don't give a fuck. So yeah, you got me. - Alex, I totally don't know the answer. (laughing) - Who's the only one who knows? - Story number six belongs to Tony Hinchcliff. (upbeat music) - I had to do this shit last second. I wrote it in five minutes, so my three stories. This is bullshit. I didn't think there would be this kind of conversation. - I thought I was at that show, you told it to me? - Yeah. Yeah, it happened. - Where was this here? - Son of a bitch. - This was here at the comedy store. - No, it was at an all black, the real black show in town at a movie theater at Hollywood in Highland. Any of you guys ever been there? - Yeah. - Yeah, I didn't think there was gonna be much crossover. Anyway, the time 2000, whatever, fucking 13 or 14 biggest like black show. I mean, as black as it gets. And I was that white guy that would go there and fucking they go, oh shit, he done it. - You know what I mean? I'm like that guy. So yeah, there was a guy that stood up. I did a Michael Jackson joke. He goes, nobody, you're not allowed to fucking talk about Michael Jackson like that. And it was this tall, lanky, black guy, real skinny sunglasses with what looked like a fake, like cheap grill. I'm like, look at you with your tin foil last grill. You broke piece of shit and the crowd so into it. They were literally going, ah, 'cause I had no hesitation. I'm just grilling this poor black guy. It's just like out of line to me. He doesn't know who the fuck I am, right? But everyone in the crowd knew that it was ASAP Rocky. And I had no idea. And I had to go straight to a gig here right after that. So I'm driving here and my phone starts saying I get a call from my manager who goes, did you just roast the hell out of ASAP Rocky? But I had to leave there so fast that I had no fucking. I had no one was like, dude, you just did that ASAP Rocky. So I found out three minutes later on a phone call while speeding for a spot here. And I mean, again, I really am a huge rap fan. And I had no idea that it was ASAP Rocky who was on numerous playlists at the time, all the time, and probably would have handled it differently. But instead, he got roasted like he was poor. Hell yeah. Shout out ASAP Mob. Six stories down, Alex Urapoints. All right, in last place with six points. Tony Hinchcliffe. I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. And fourth place with seven points, Tim Dillon. [APPLAUSE] In third place with 10 points, Big J. Ogerson. [APPLAUSE] In second place with 12 points, Bert Kreischer. [APPLAUSE] And in first place with 15 points, Lewis J. Gomez. [APPLAUSE] Two more stories. You guys have a good time here. [APPLAUSE] It's two o'clock in the fucking morning. Are you guys still out there? [APPLAUSE] Story number seven. [MUSIC PLAYING] Story number seven. I've never been able to tell when anybody in my life has had a drug problem, or were even using drugs at all. [MUSIC PLAYING] It does seem a sweet naivety of Bert. I will say that Big J didn't know that I had a debilitating coke problem for like two years. That's not true. I chose to ignore it. I said, not my drug problem. I've got a child to raise. [LAUGHTER] Oh, I knew. They all knew. What I just go, he's file figured out, he's Lewis. There was a two-year period of legion of skanks where I would take five bathroom bricks per episode. What two years was this? Because I'm never able to tell when anybody in my life has a drug problem, or even using drugs at all. What years were this? I'm oblivious. This was like 2013, '14, something like that? Yeah, I don't remember. I guess because I didn't know. Those were the good old days. The good old days? Tim? No, Tim. Oh, it's not Tim. Yeah. Tim's too-- Tim's too dialed into life. Are you good at calling out when people are on drugs? No. I'm not-- I mean, I'm not. I don't know if I ever accused anybody of being on drugs. Yeah, I don't pay attention to anybody else. Well, yeah, I think that's what my thing is. I don't know things I get because I don't pay attention. Yes, you know. Usually it's someone in the throes of alcoholism or drug problem that doesn't notice people having one. So are you saying it's you? It might be. I'll tell you what, I've had guys with really bad drinking problems on my podcast that then went into recovery, and they're like, yeah, you were my bottom. And then I'm always like, really? Tony has that same story from a lot of guys. You were my bottom? Come on, folks. Come on, folks. Come on, folks. Please clap. Yeah, I'm getting burnt or big J vibes here. That's fair. No. Yeah, big J's have a lot of your very into business. Maybe, maybe you're not. Maybe you're not, you know, what? Why isn't it you? Hold on, wait a minute. I've never been able to tell when anybody in my life has had a drug problem. Comment? Comment for no reason. Or we're even using drugs at all. That's not that's not great. That's not a great comma. That's not a great sentence.
(audience laughing) - Burt. - What we're finding out tonight is we are all retarded. - I don't think it's Tim. - It also could be Tim. - How could it be me? - It couldn't be Tim. - I would know if somebody was using drugs in my life. - Yeah. (audience cheering) - I'll be honest with you. It is me, but I didn't write it. (audience laughing) Like this is me, but it's not me. Like I actually can never tell, but it's not me. - That's interesting take. - Yeah, but it's not me, but I didn't write it. Now, now what you have to do is who is most like me? - That's a compliment. - Bye. (audience laughing) That's very sweet, but it's not, it's truly not me. I wouldn't lie. I'm going to just pure personality trade. I personally have this experience with Big J. I know that he, you know, pretty oblivious to the fact that I was fucking regularly doing drugs. I'm going Big J. Oakerson. Final answer is right here. Locking it in. - Interesting. Move me all you want, Faggot. (audience laughing) - That's not what this show is. We're at Netflix Festival. (audience laughing) - Because this feels like me. That's why I think it's hurt. - Ooh. - Wow. - Because it feels like me. - Because he said it's me, I'm going Big J. I was gonna do Joe Koi, but. - Oh. - That's seat six. - I got to go for points here. I can't go with Lewis. He's too far ahead. So I'm going to start strategically changing, even though I think it might most likely be Big J. I'm going to do something interesting here where for a chance to possibly win, probably my last chance to win. I'm going to go with a strategic pick here. And I am going to go with the one and only. Tim Lighthouse, the man, the myth, the legend. - I'm not voting. - No. (laughing) - You're hard refuse. - Could be Big J, could be Burt. I'm gonna, God. Burt has not had one story yet. - Really? - Yes. - Burt did. - Oh, he did? - Yeah, the Burt, he had the two birds. - Right, right, he did, he did. I had the one that everybody knew about. That sucked. Yeah, what a, yeah, that sucks. But it's fun if you're going to lose in life, it's best to do it on story wars. - Oh yeah. (cheering) - Could be worse, could be worse. - There's no losers on the stage. - I'm going to go with Burt. - I should have gone with Tim. - All of her answers are locked in. Alex, whose story was story number seven? Let's go. Let the comeback begin. - Story number seven belongs to Big J. Ohgerson. (cheering) - I'll be honest with ya. I really, I just thought Lewis had fucking fag bladder. (laughing) I just thought the guy had the piss-off time. I'm like, go ya lady boy. I'll fucking hold up the fork. (laughing) And he's gonna prom it all. I think Kurt Mesker had like real problems at one point. I've ignored all of them. I just go, they're eccentric or they like to stay up a lot. (laughing) If they'd like to write music while they're passing out. - Yeah, yeah. What? A lot of my friends call me at four in the morning. (laughing) Yeah, I'm am oblivious to it. I don't know why it's 'cause I've never done a bunch of drugs. So I don't know, I'm just kind of like so and so spacey lately, huh? (laughing) - By the way, I am totally 100% with you on this. This is like a part of my life. - Yeah, I've never, so he knows I had a major problem. I go, no, I would have loved to help, but I thought, I don't know. I thought you were funny and get tired early. - They never invite me because I don't do it. I clearly just smoke weed and drink. And so it's always wild. 'Cause I'm like, man, these are my, these are the best people. They're like me, we hang out to two, three, four, five in the morning. - I don't wanna sell anybody else out by naming, but Lewis and two other people we know, we were doing a gig in Miami and we were singing a table. We were having a conversation and I was definitely pontificating 'cause I'm stoned. And as I'm talking to 'em, every fucking five or six minutes, one of the three of them goes like, they wink at the other one and they go like, all right, go upstairs. Are you guys just going to a hotel? - Yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was Dave, it's nothing caring for you. - Yeah, it was, it was. But everything that come back and I'd be like, are you guys all done getting whatever you have to get, you keep forgetting in the room? Now anyway, I was doing this thing and blah, blah, blah. And they were like, yeah, yeah, you know what? Dude, fuck, dude, I think I left my wallet up in that room. And they just kept going up. We were just sitting outside by a motel pool. - Shout out comedy in Miami. - Oh yeah. Seven stories down. - All right, in the last place with six points. - Oh God. - Tony Hinchcliffe. - Jesus Christ. - Let's fuck it, go. - Play the strategic move. - In fourth place with seven points, Tim Dylan. (audience applauds) In third place with 14 points, Big J. Okerson. (audience applauds) In second place with 16 points. Bert, Kreischer. (audience applauds) And in first place with 19 points. Lewis, Jay, Gomez. (audience applauds) - This is anybody's game except for me or Tim's. (audience laughs) Anybody can win this except for your manio. - All right. Well, that's right. Oh, Lewis, you're right. That was fucking cool. Oh, you did that. Don't forget, the winner of this game, which is probably gonna be Bert or Lewis, or to a much lesser extent, me. Men explain things to me is about navigating a world. We're being right as often secondary to being the loudest person in the room. Ultimately, the book drives home the point that sometimes women do have something to say. - Hey, whoever wins, all I ask is that whoever wins lets me borrow that for a week 'cause I wanna hear what this contest is saying. - Yeah, yeah. - The first sentence in the book is here in the United States where there's a reported rape every 6.2 minutes and one in five women will be raped in her lifetime. That's the first sentence. - Look to your left and look to your right. (audience laughs) One of you will be raped. Six year left, look to your right. Now, rape the woman next to you. - Rape your partner around and around. And I'll switch it up in Dozy Do. - Wait a minute, it's Netflix, wait. Wait, we gotta chill. - Sorry, what? - We're sorry, Netflix, we're sorry. - Where did they have the Netflix episode? - Every 6.2 minutes. - Yeah, it's pretty quick. - That's a lot. - Yeah. - There have been 21 rapes during this podcast. - With no fucking romance. - Yeah. We have one more story. Are you guys having a great time comedy story? Come on. - Yeah. - Come on guys. This is it, final story of the night, final story. - Anybody's game, Alex, story number eight. - Story number eight. I paid a mentally disabled person to do yard work and provided him with alcohol. I didn't know this was wrong, but when his sister picked him up, she asked why he was drunk. (audience laughs) - That's a funny story. (audience laughs) - Only Bert believes alcohol is money. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) - Bert pays for everything in alcohol. (audience laughs) - Oh, fuck. - Oh. - First also, Bert's got a big beautiful yard. I've been to his house. Bert paid me for everything I've done with him and uncrustables an alcohol. (audience laughs) But those two things flow like water when you're with Bert. (audience laughs) - No, I don't know. Yeah, it could be. That's right. It could be anyone of Tony's golden tickets. - It's true. - He met Uncle Laser. - It's true. - It could happen. - No, Tony doesn't have a yard. He's a city guy for a very, very long time. So it's definitely not Tony. Jade just moved to the suburbs. Just got a yard. - I'm gonna let no retard my yard. I don't give a fuck if we are on that flicks. Yo, where's my camera? I don't let no retard in my fucking yard playing around my shit.
(audience cheering) - Take that shit across Hamburg, Turnipuy. - What about Louis? - No, I mean, look, it could be me. I've had a yard for about five, six years now. - Are you sorry, yourself? And you also think that most of your staff is mentally disabled, so. - What is this being called? - Yeah, I mean, look, this is Timberburg, very obviously, in my opinion. I can also see it being Tim. Tim has a lot to part, is that even Tim's doesn't drink? He's not a drinker. But Tim has a lot of parties. - I do, you do entertain, you have a yard. I can easily see you being like, you know. - I have somebody who takes care of the yard, I'm not paying. - Yeah, yeah. Bert is cackling at his own story right now. He loves this story. (audience cheering) He's so happy that he submitted this story. He can't wait to tell the story. He doesn't care if he wins. (audience cheering) He just wants to get this over with to tell this fucking killer story. I mean, Bert can't contain himself right now. - I hear you saying it. Hey, you want to do some yard work at home? (audience laughing) A couple beers. You're taking home, just pull some weeds out from between my rocks. Fuck, right off. - Bert, Christ, you're all-- - It's fucking Bert, Jesus Christ. - The story warriors answers are in Tim Dillon Boats, Bert, Christ, Tony Hengecliffe. Ooh, with a very surprising answer. Playing strategically right now, even though we can't win. Bert, Boats, Tim. Tony, Boats, Tim. Alex, Oliver answers are in. Tell us how this is Bert, Christ. - Story number eight belongs to Tim Dillon. (audience cheering) (audience cheering) - Are you fucking kidding me? - Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim. - Tim. Tim, you may have played disruptor, buddy. - Let's fucking go. What did you do? - What did you do? - You were a warrior. Holy shit. - He was a local guy. (audience laughing) There's a local guy from the neighborhood and you know, he used to walk around a lot. And I said, this was the first house I owned that was later foreclosed on. And I said, if you do your work, we'll pay you. And you know, he loved Boats, he loved to drink. And his sister was really excited. She goes, I like to, you're having them do your hard work. But then she came up to me and she goes, why is he drunk? (audience laughing) - Are you going? - That's just how he is. - I was just like, why can't he drink? - This is a story I also lived and didn't write down. - Wow. - I do give my yard guy's booze, porosos. And the other day, there was a-- - He gave us porosos. - Porosos. - Porosos. And there was a guy in our backyard picking up dog shit. And our dogs have been dead for six months. And I said to Leanne, I said, where's he finding dogs? She goes, I don't have the heart to tell him in our dogs anymore. (audience laughing) And he's the mentally disabled guy that we pay to pick up dogs' eggs. (audience laughing) - It's a good thing to do. - By the way, coming soon, me and Lewis knew hard celtzer, poor essays. (audience laughing) - Sign the book. Alex, what are our final points at? - Holy shit. - I mean, dude, I think that we just got a come from behind victory, got Alex? - All right. In last place with 10 points, Tony Hinchcliff. - Wait, what? That can't be. I got it right. (audience applauding) Wait, what? - In fourth place with 11 points. Tim Dylan. (audience applauding) - In third place with 14 points. Big J. Oaker Sen. (audience applauding) - He is us. - They're behind you. - He is us. - He is us. - He is us. - He is us. - He is us. (laughs) - I represent all the Skank fans that Kevin Hart wrote. Hashtag he is us. He is us. - Alex. - Second place. Squirt 19 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points. Bert, Chrysher. (audience applauding) Bert, the machine Chrysher. There's your newest story warrior. (audience applauding) Bert, Bert. Bert, you now have the coveted title and you now have the ability to trigger the most fun thing in comedy. Say that, I can say the end word, what? - No, no, no. Well, it will get a similar reaction, but no. - What did you say? - You now get the trigger, what? - Double point. - Yeah. (upbeat music) - Everybody, congratulations to Bert, Chrysher. Your newest story warrior. (audience applauding) He joins in a lead group. Having a big round of applause for our entire panel. The great Tony Hitchcliffe. (audience applauding) The great Tim Dillon. (audience applauding) The newest story warrior, Bert, Chrysher. (audience applauding) We're here all week, everybody. For Story Wars, I'm Big J. Okreson. - I'm Louis Shagelmes. - Until next time, peace. (audience applauding) (upbeat music)
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