Bert Gets Bullied By Lou Reed's Ghost | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave, coming to you from Los Angeles, California. Look at that big smile. Extra pep in your step today. You came in firing hot, dude. I'm firing real hot today. Man. Wouldn't it be great if I could just unleash everything that goes on in my head for real? Yeah, dude. I mean, I think I'm fucking crazy, Tom. I think we all are a little crazy. I was thinking about that the other day about comedians. I was like, oh, because you go like, that guy's fucking nuts. And then you're like, yeah, but I am too. We just have different versions of crazy that manifest differently. Some people are more outwardly presenting crazy. Some of it just festers inside. It's different versions of crazy. Everyone's crazy. I said something to Leanne the other day that made her laugh. Now, I want everyone to know. I may tell this on stage. So if I choose to tell this on stage, it's because I came up with it, okay? And since I came up with it, I get to tell it here and on stage sometimes. Just so everyone, all you dirty fucking. Anyway. I just don't want to hold back on the podcast and save everything for stage, you know? So I get on the treadmill the other day and I'm at a hotel. And I put on Lou. Have you ever listened to Lou Reed, Tom? I have listened to Lou Reed a little bit, yes. Okay. Now, Lou Reed, his early stuff from the 70s is the stuff everyone knows. Sweet Jane and that's more like the popular version. But Lou Reed came out with an album. I think it was called New York in 1989 that my English teacher, Bob Wiener, turned us on to. The English teacher was just like, you guys got to check this out? Every day before class started, he'd play a song. He'd play a song from Lou Reed's new album. We'd put our heads on our desk every day before English and he would play a Lou Reed song. So I'm very familiar with this album, New York. And it's really wild and it's fun and it's crazy. And it's creative and it's different and it's Lou Reed. So I get on the treadmill and I start playing Lou Reed and I'm jogging and I'm like, this is great. And then I start talking to Lou Reed. I'm like, dude, I am so grateful that I have you in my life. I'm so grateful that I get to experience your music. Because it really opens another side of me. And then I hear Lou Reed go, I didn't fucking make this for you. Like, I was a heroin addict bisexual in the 80s, 70s, and 90s in New York City. I have friend die of AIDS. You think I made this for you? It actually makes me sick to my stomach that you enjoy this. You are the epitome in art of what I detest. And I get off the treadmill and I go, fuck this. I'm not going to let Lou Reed talk to me like this. That's great self-talk, man. I realize I'm not talking to Lou Reed. I'm talking to myself. It's pretty good. That's a pretty good one. I was like, I'm going to listen to someone who likes me. And I put on Jelly Roll. I have to say. I go, Jelly Roll likes me. And so I listen to him jogging. I have to say, dude, I've done the same thing. I've done the same thing. Why does that happen? Because what happens is like some of these artists, you know, they're like, they're too cool. Like they're just, they're cool. And they're like, they're up there. They're, they're too much. They're like too sophisticated. And the people that like them like to, you know, espouse the level of connection that they have to it. And then you go, yeah, that guy wouldn't like me. So then you're like, fuck that guy. It's a crazy thought. It's a crazy person thought, but it's bizarrely relatable. It is relatable because, you know, they wouldn't like you. It's exactly the truth. It's, it's exactly the truth. You have that for like, you know, pretend. Pretentious artists, like whether they're songwriters, filmmakers, actors, sometimes you see like a great performance in something. And then you see that person in an interview and you're like, this guy's like, yeah, he wouldn't like me. This guy wouldn't like me for sure. He'd be like, oh, you're a comedian. Yeah. He would. Yeah. And you just go, fuck this guy. Yeah. A hundred percent. There's this guy that showed up. It's completely, by the way, it's not healthy self-talk. It's not good. It makes you not, it makes you not be able to enjoy certain aspects of life because then you say, I've got to only do things that I think would accept me, which isn't fair to you because exactly you should be able to expand horizons. There's this great new artist. I will. He's got an awesome album. His name is, he's not a new artist. I apologize. But I just found him in my algorithm. I found him on this. There are these, there are these, oh, remind me to talk to you about Subway takes. Okay. So there are these shows like Subway takes and like, yeah. And like, Hey, name this out artist. And then they get a good popular art musician on and they play songs. They know they like, right. And they're like, oh, this is Bob Dylan, man. I love Bob Dylan. And then they go off on Bob Dylan. I forget what the name of that guy's name. Will someone find that guy's show? He listens to music and he plays music for artists. And he had this guy, Kurt vial on Kurt vial. Seems like the kind of guy that I would really love to sit up with and drink and listen to music with and talk about music. Yeah. And then I find out he's from Philly and my, you know, my whole family is from Philly. My cousins were musicians. So then I, he has a new album that drops like the, the week I discover him and I listened to it. That's, this is the guy. This is the guy. This is the guy. Yeah. This Kurt vial. Yeah. It's called track star. This, this show. Yeah. I've seen clips from the show. It's, it's incredible what some people's knowledge is Kurt vials. Knowledge of music is so. Extensive that I appreciate that he cares about music. That's what I took away. I appreciated that he cared about music this much to, to, to not just say, oh, that's Bob Dylan. Yeah. I think it's from doing podcasts, Tom, where you get so many people that comics fucking comics, that's why I stopped having comics on. Cause you have them on the podcast. You'd be like, so where did you start? And they're like Portland and you'd be like, don't you know how a podcast works? You fucking hack talk fucking say something. You regret that's a podcast the fuck you just saying Portland say Portland, and I don't like dot, dot, dot, what the fuck is wrong with you? Kurt vial answers so intelligently that he goes on and he, and I was like, man, I would love like, see, listen to us. Can we listen to the first answer? He has Bob Dylan, new morning written by him and Georgie Harrison. You like Bob Dylan. I love Bob Dylan. I love George Harrison. I got so much hair moves. Sorry. Moose is moose. And so long. You see, you know, as long as you know, it's moose loose. No, but it does. It smells good. I got to get some moose. That's not what I wanted. Nevermind. Hit, hit end, hit end. Well, Hey, I didn't want to fucking talking. He's talking about, he's talking, right? He's talking. Yeah. So I buy his new album and I love it. And then I'm sitting, going for a jog, listening to it. And I was like, I got to stop Kurt vial. Wouldn't like me. And I just stopped listening to it. And I was like, I can't get too into this. Cause it's like. Jeff Tweedy. I met Jeff Tweedy. He didn't really didn't like me. You still like, what is it? Wilco listening to Wilco. You stopped listening. That was like your favorite band. I know. I know. Cause you're just like, they wouldn't like me. I was, I was, I hope he's autistic, but like he, he, he, I met him with Nikki and he loved Nikki and, and I fucking wanted to be like, if you like her, you should like me. Like we're adjacent. We're friends. And Nikki. Also. Had laryngitis. And he was laughing at everything. She didn't say I, I had, I could talk and he was not laughing at me. I could actually come in Nikki. Couldn't I don't think you understand Tom. Nikki couldn't communicate and he was laughing at her. She was like rolling her eyes and he was like, ah, he took a liking to, but did you come in with big Bert energy? Of course I did. But that's who I am. Like that, like that's true. And that's why Kurt vial wouldn't like me. That's why I'm going to stop listening to music altogether. That's, that's a win. You show them. Yeah. I like it, but it, it, it, music sucks because they, they all have a fucking energy about them. You know what it is? Like music's like if magicians believe they were magic. That. Okay. Oh, I see. He already looks unamused. Look at that photo. He looks like he has rosacea and one doesn't want to be there. You actually look Korean in this photo. Oh, I was pretty fucking hammered. Holy shit, man. I'm like, who's the Asian guy? Chose. Fucking a man. I could bring one person back. Your whole fucking head shrunk. I look fucking massive. You look huge, dude. Holy shit. Your head looks like it weighs 60 pounds. Fucking a man. Well, she looks like she's having the time of her life. She can't talk. She's not making any noise. Yeah. She just had vocal surgery. She could not speak. That's hilarious, man. That's fucking funny. Dude, I had a choice to bring backstage Leanne or Gillis and Norman. Because I have Mark Gillis and Chef Norman. Shane Norman. Shane Gillis. Whatever. Whatever. I don't care. Shane Gillis and Mark Norman with me. And they're like, would you like to bring your other two artists with you? And I was like, and I was like, absolutely not. there's not there's no way in hell i'm taking shane gillis who within five seconds was like this band sucks and he just walked away really he was like this band sucks and he just went and stood by the concession stand so he could get beers faster and mark mark went with him and they just sat and ate mushrooms and went to the concession stand didn't listen to one song he was like this band sucks okay he he goes they're gay and then just left and he's not wrong like wilco's definitely gay but this is your favorite band no wilco like in if you're defining things on like on uh on shane gillis's spectrum of gay wilco falls in the spectrum of gay okay it's it's gayer than holding hands before a football game um um 'Damn okay i'm not familiar to actually comment at all on how their music i don't know oh no no it's it's just it's emotional oh it's emotional yeah it's emotional it's like you gotta have feelings like there's no part of shane gillis that's listening to wilco going like yeah i feel this yeah i feel this i got you he was i love he was i love that you're gonna show musicians what's up by not listening to music anymore it's so insane dude no i'll tell you what i'm gonna do i'm gonna do one better i'm only gonna get listening to music that i think would like me but you're gonna you're really gonna dumb it down for that if you're like this this guy's a loser he's like yeah yeah this time of year always brings up memories of when summer felt much simpler and sweeter whether that makes you think of days spent on a lake or setting off fireworks and risking the loss of limbs with your friends on the 4th of july those iconic moments call for an iconic drink and that drink is america's own mountain dew hailing from the hills of tennessee its citrus kick is the perfect companion to whatever adventures your own personal wet hot american summer may entail whether i'm hanging out on the beach or taking my boys out on the boat 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prescription required individual results may vary see website for full details restrictions and important safety information who are you gonna listen people are gonna be insulted when they sit when i tell them that they're i'm a fan of their playlist yeah they're gonna go oh fuck are you serious i heard your fucking podcast so you're telling me you're telling me you think i'd like you yeah they're gonna be like dude i hate you don't listen to my shit i hate you please stop listening to me like eminem would not like me see i i think i i don't think you're right dude i don't think eminem eminem eminem and i would not get along a hundred percent you know who would like you who a lot of people who you don't think would like you name one that would like you yeah um i'll go through i'll go through my playlist of my most played songs you ready oh let's do that yeah let's do someone get me readers i have two fucking assistants and no readers look at this guy jesus i just want i hope the ymh crew hears this and knows what a cool boss they have i'm not god damn it this guy's a fucking dictator man this is how angry at lou reed i got i started playing his music on my guitar in country have you ever done the thing that you um you're like fuck this fuck this musician and then you just delete them from your library uh no i'm about to i'm about to thank you so much jessica i really appreciate that oh that was fucking so disingenuous go ahead okay let's hear some favorites well i think that's gonna be i gotta get rid of all black musicians they wouldn't like me no that's my point i think 25 most played okay all right well my number one song that i've played the most oh boy is higher by creed holy shit really they like me yeah they like you what are you talking about all right next one then wow this is bizarre okay wait hang on how do i find that how do i find my most played 25 most played it's in your playlists on itunes under playlists yeah um right now i don't see anyone that doesn't like me in my most played well there you go man where is it okay you ready for my most played creed oh favorite songs okay yeah jerry cinnamon post malone william bell trinidad james cake king harvest kanye would fucking love me i think he would love you uh n words in paris that's one of my most played songs leslie hall which what's that called n words in paris i can say it but you gotta bleep it okay tom i wrote the best fucking joke the other night i wrote the best fucking joke there's two things i have to talk to you about okay the best fucking joke and that's a secret okay um steel pulse run the jewels big boy bob seger dj shadow house of pain ugk girl talk porno for pyros okay there's the first one i'm deleting i'm deleting jane's addiction okay he wouldn't like me he would absolutely not like me perry farrell would not like me so i have to delete all jane's addiction that sucks okay that sucks i love jane's addiction okay i'm gonna keep okay addiction i'm gonna keep jane's addiction you're gonna keep it even though they don't like you gary glitter dm do you think flea would like you who flea flea would fucking love me see but he's not i think he's not jane's addiction oh right no anthony ketis would love me all i'd have to do is like to them in recovery or whatever and anthony ketis would be like oh let's do it talk about that um all right wow so far all my top played would love me well then look man you just fucking made your point recently played insane kurt vile radio radio head i gotta delete radio head red clay strays you think radio radio head would be like this guy's fucking way too much can you imagine me meeting tom york he would be like uh-huh yeah i i don't i don't play that song yeah uh creep is uh it was a good song and we don't play it anymore thank you and then he would just kind of look at security and they'd be like hey he's got a call right now so so what are they what are they turning on and turning off musicians when they're so accessible on stage yeah and then they turn it off and then they're like and then they're on stage they're like i don't want to talk about that nope well thank you i don't think that he comes across as accessible no not at all yeah so i think he's pretty authentically who he is that's how he i mean that's how he comes across to me but i also feel like yeah i don't know he just doesn't he doesn't register as like a social guy i don't know him obviously but i don't feel like he would be like i just like meeting people i don't think that's a tom york quality but do you think i i get along with a lot of country music artists that adds up can i tell you who i think i'd be really good friends with who garth i think garth would like you i think he would love me you should make that a mission dude i have tried i've tried you have a hundred percent i've tried i know did i ruin it for you no no no no i think you help it for me oh really oh a hundred percent if i ever meet garth i'm gonna give him a hug and go i understand yeah hey you know he's not calling you out nazi yeah you could be and then you could be like man he's a at like just like leave like oh asshole and then have him be like yep you know then he'd be like let's go talk in the other room and then be like what the up with that guy i would be the i would be the connection of how you guys finally got together you think so give him a shot all right here's who i have by the way oh my god i'm dying to hear this is like the playlist of a serial killer okay black star was most deaf into lib quali and i i'm friends with talib most def would not like you but talib quality loves you okay most definitely not like you you think so a hundred percent he would not like you okay cool um juan luis guerra dominican guy i'm a huge fan i would i i would try to make him like me i would be really polite and and gracious to him yeah wait how old is he how old is he he's older now he's in his 70s i think he'd like you um maybe eddie kendricks um anna kendricks eddie kendrick's like are you listening to the frozen soundtrack uh big x the plug see i think he would love the plug would love me and love you i think can i tell you a moment can i tell you how a moment and i and i'm i never mind i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you a moment you gotta edit it out because it's really makes me love big x the plug i'd love that i'm gonna tell you the moment and then you guys decide whether or not to exit out okay i'll tell you who i think would hate me and hate your guts oh moby i think you would not like me and hate you oh to me he would be like people have said we look alike i don't see it is that why you were listening to him no i just i um it it reminds me of it you know how music reminds you of a time yeah when that big album came out play i think it was was it called play or something yeah it was or whale or something um that came out when i was studying abroad so sometimes i just it just reminds me of that and i just was it not called whale play what's whale it's an animal oh oh i'm thinking a moby dick yeah i'm thinking about it dick um um um tony touch who's i mean tony touch would like you um dead mouse i guess that song keeps playing um i don't think he'd like me flume cypress hill i i love cypress hill cypress hill i would love to do that smokeout show with you uh buena vista social club yeah they'd love you the gap band jesus i know um all right that's yeah i can't believe this is a favorite song this is crazy all right um yeah that was funny man uh kid rock likes me i went to his house really yeah with joe i was in i was in tennessee with joe and we went out to his house and then he was building his white house duplicate like his replica white house so we got a tour of that as it was like 80 finished it was insane yep it's not that it's the one that you played before yeah yeah that that's it 20 years building that what the is going on with construction in this country yeah that house was nuts you know what was the craziest part of that about that house it's like 20 000 square feet two bedrooms i was like what you have two bedrooms he's like yeah who the am i building bedrooms for i was like hey yeah dude for sure wait how did you meet kid rock with joe so like we were we did a show in in nashville and i think the next day was like or it's either that day before the show or it's like day after he's like you want to go out to kid rock's place i was like okay so we went to his residence at the time which is close to this i think there was a game on so people were out like at his like hangout place watching the game that's where i met jimmy john from jimmy john's he goes i'm jimmy john from jimmy john's that's how he introduced himself i was like the sub place he's like yeah jimmy john's i'm jimmy john i was like got it got it man what a what a party hey this is the guy my fantastic pillow hey do you like pillows tom if you want to talk about someone who would love you that's at the top of the list that guy would love you i love he was smile he was super super outgoing total extrovert really charismatic um he was fun i know he's got wild in his like people have you know called him this and that i don't know anything else about him i think he's like a big game hunter or something or one time he like laid neck to a fish naked and everyone was like you're a horrible i all this crazy i don't know dude he was he can put the mayonnaise on my sub any day he was he was super nice you know how much do you know what would he have to do to get you to stop eating jimmy john's this guy do you realize there's i mean the papa john's guy said the n-word and i still ordered papa john's oh yeah there's the naked one um wait what's that oh i love this guy he's you he's got a naked picture of him and a shark yeah are you i'll i can someone get me jimmy john's for lunch i want jimmy john that should be the ad hey we're jimmy john's and we don't give a that's how much mayonnaise we put on your sub yeah i i knew you would like him i love this guy how do i not know this guy personality-wise there's no better match for you yeah dude i would be such good friends with this guy first of all i'd get a much better video than this just him standing behind the dead bear i'd be him like i'd get it i'd have him pretend he's put it to sleep he's like shh look he's sound asleep all right guys i just i'm in jimmy john and it's good to meet you guys this is my bear does he have a southern accent yeah he does have a little bit of a twang yeah tell me about the canes guy too i didn't no i didn't dude this is like the super heroes you know i did meet papa john from papa john's and you know what he said when i met him he goes he goes yeah i said it i still say it that's what he said when i met him isn't that crazy i'm just kidding i made that up um yeah i don't know wait so wait who are the other like superheroes of republican so you got jimmy john you got jimmy john's you got the canes guy you got the my pillow guy yeah my pillow guy is bananas you think you'd like him i think you'd like him oh i think he'd like you well i i'll tell you what i'm going to be very candid i'm having a hard time finding good pillows these days got to give it a shot man and i and if he could give me my pillow like i know what pillow i like and they don't make soft pillows soft faux down pillows i can't find them yeah didn't like what's his didn't they like he put so much money into like trying to fight the election results that he actually was running out of money wasn't that a thing that happened with him didn't he run into like financial trouble i don't know but i didn't invest all my money in a pillow i almost invested my money in underwear in underwear and i don't wear underwear i know i got i got on an underwear kick and i wanted this certain type of underwear and they didn't make it and they still don't make exactly what i want but i found something close enough to what i like okay and they're a company when would you ever wear when would you wear underwear when i work out i wear it when i work out i like to have my dick and balls close to my body makes sense yeah and so uh it's called as we move bleep them out let me see just because if they want to come and be a sponsor i'll do a full ad keep them in keep them in give them a little love as we move as we move you know what fuck that what am i what am i turning into a cash whore that moby couldn't fucking have a drink with yeah as we move google as we move underwear or you know what leave it blank i like it that way yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah this is like this dude they're super silky there's you feel like you're not wearing underwear at all like they really move against the pants well so you don't like they don't you don't feel any grip on the pants but after a workout you don't you don't ever wear underwear no i'm not wearing underwear right now look no that's good i believe you um did anyone see my dick oh boy go ahead when you go out at night or anything like that like no underwear no underwear wow do you sleep naked yeah always 100 now that i sleep alone i really sleep really sleep really naked jesus um okay so we figured out who hates you um hey can we talk about child abuse was it because of that video yeah i mean i think listen oh wait hold on before we do yeah so have you seen subway takes yeah i've seen that yeah i've seen clips of it yeah it's doing great right now yeah he's kareem is his name he does so for people they don't know like it's a i guess you'd call it a podcast right it's not so he he kind of broke it down and it's kind of fascinating i remember saying this to you a long time ago a long time ago i was like i'm not really sure why we're doing podcasts all people watch our clips why don't we just do clips and get fucking done with it and i heard kareem go i've never seen a theo vaughn podcast i've never seen a shane gillis podcast he goes i just watch clips so i make clips yeah i think he does a podcast but no one listens to it he goes it's the clips that matter the clips are he used to work for vice he's a really fascinating guy i used to watch his old show uh what it was uh till the run the fair or something what was his first show was he would get in a cab and he'd go keep the fair running oh okay and he'd say take me to your favorite dot dot dot take me to your cab driver yeah the cab driver and the cab driver would and he'd interview the cab driver and his theory was everyone has a story there's not too much you can do about the money you've got now but if you want to do something about the money you could have tomorrow acorns wants to help and with the acorns potential screen you can find out what your money is capable of acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow acorns is easy you can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money even if all you've got is spare change acorns grows with you 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since they've got the storefront set up and checkout covered you're not stuck in the weeds all day which gives you time to focus on growing your business into a brand that's recognized with shopify nothing stands between your idea and a real business so go make one cha-ching start your free trial at shopify.com bears start your free trial at shopify.com slash bears that's shopify.com slash bears so subway takes is great i i i i'm going to be very candid kareem i don't love celebrities on it i don't i i i like comics unknown musicians i just being and i understand that the rub is in order to blow the fuck up you gotta have j-lo on but i don't like the idea that a the j-lo no shit on j-lo but the j-lo sits down for a meeting goes what am i doing today and they're like well it's a great show where this guy kareem and she's a black guy and there's no middle eastern but he's from africa it's kind of confusing but yes he goes on a subway and you have to give a hot take she's like i don't have a hot take and they're like we already wrote five for you pick one of these five and she goes i'm gonna make it my own and they're like great and then they she goes i think i don't know what is it you have to be born in new york to be a new yorker well great take j-lo and let's watch it and we'll watch it because it's fucking j-lo and she looks amazing in fucking that's the reason we're watching is because j-lo looks fucking incredible got it not because she has a hot take tom not because she has a hot take well yeah i want to hear j-lo's going if you have an accent you can't vote in our country that should be an that should be a hot take yeah yeah that's my take that's my take watch me defend it tom burt yeah subway takes go okay burt what's your take burt burt what's your take if you have an accent you can't vote in this country hard disagree okay hold on i'm you think you're being racist right now you think i'm talking about spanish accent british accent i'm talking about southern accent new york accent boston accent fucking only neutral accents can vote people that sound like me people that sound like you and look like you yeah and no sound like me no no you can be black but you got to have a regular black accent a regular black accent yeah it can be listen there's but once other black people can't vote wow that's a hot take bro yeah yeah fire thank you that would have been cool if that was j-lo's take dude hang on it would have been because it's a comedy show so the whole thing is like take a comedy aspect you have to be born in new york do you have a hot take me you just asked me i just told you one oh that is your take okay that's my take you gotta have a that's your take you're supposed to have a hot to you to clearly ever watch the show so the best one so the best one the best one that's your take you're supposed to have a hot to you to clearly ever watch the show that they did scroll down scroll down the best one they did the hottest take on there yet it's is, oh, I don't see her. It's the best one yet. Yeah, it's the Bed-Stuy. What is that? Oh, that's the one that went super viral. I know that one. White people shouldn't sit on their stoops in Bed-Stuy. I saw that one. So this is why Kareem is a genius, in my opinion, is, dude, you're just throwing up a softball. You're putting up a piñata and letting the world swing at it. You're allowing us to have a fucking take on some shit that I think is really brilliant. And that's why I don't want celebrities on here. I don't want guys who say, I want to make love to you, give me the ick. And you're like, I don't care about that Cameron. You're not Cameron Diaz. The other lady. Charlize. I don't care about Charlize. I want to take that splits the internet. I want to take red dress, blue dress or whatever. You know what I mean? But this one was the best one. Play it. White people should not be allowed to sit on stoops in Bed-Stuy. Wow. A hundred percent, man. Oh, disagree. Let the white people sit on the stoop. Oh my God. They want to sit on the stoop. Let them sit on the damn stoop. It looks bad. It does look bad. It's aesthetically, it's not as good. It's aesthetically not as good, especially for Bed-Stuy as a neighborhood. Those historic brownstones and just everything about it. I mean, I have lived in Bed-Stuy for 12 years and I too do not sit on my stoop. I take one for the team and I feel like as more and more white people are moving into Bed-Stuy and messing up the vibes and having like our favorite bars and our favorite places closed down, they should not be inviting all their friends and sitting on the stoop. So even you out of respect as a brown woman, you're like, I'm not going to sit on the stoop because I'm now black? Yeah. What about like other neighbors like Williamsburg? That one's been overrun. Yeah, that one's already far past the point. It's at the point of no return. Do you like this hot take, Burt? All right, that's good. That's good. Now, can I tell you, Tom, what's so brilliant about this is I think this woman's a singer-songwriter, correct? I don't know. Someone? Anyway, she's not famous enough to have a team come to her with five ideas that she can pitch to Kareem. So she has five very non-creative fucking publicists coming up with takes for her to present to Kareem. She is up all night and she's thinking about things her and her friends have argued about and she's thinking about what would be good and that's why that one's so good. But it's kind of, don't you think that it's a little bit- Go ahead, Tom, you pronounce her name. I can't read. I don't have my glasses on. It's Aruj Aftab. Aftab, there we go. Do you, I think that it's like you said, it's something that she's probably said with friends. It's also like half in jest. Like you say it like it's real, but it's really not. Right, that's the thing. That's the thing. But Jennifer Lopez's one was, I think it was said by Noriega or by Peter, one of the, it was in the rap scene. The rap scene was arguing that you can't be a New Yorker if you're not from New York and that New York is different. They were saying Peter Rosenberg isn't a New Yorker because he wasn't born in New York. But now what is your take on, because I wildly agree with her and what is your take on that? What is your take on that? Should white people be allowed to sit on their stoops in Bed-Stuy? Now explain to everyone. We should do whatever we want. What are you talking about? What? I said we're the best. We can do whatever we want. Who cares? Like deal with it. Yeah. That's a white person's attitude, by the way. I'll sit wherever the fuck I want. Fuck you. Yeah. Like that's what this country's based on is white people sitting wherever the fuck they want. Yesterday getting on a plane in Atlanta, a ton of black people, including Viola Davis standing next to me. And white guy. I mean, couldn't be more white. As a matter of fact, I would argue he might be from Finland or Norway. That white. Puffer jacket, tight pants, on shoes, on his phone, talking on his phone. And they go to open the thing, but we're all in line. First class is already in line. And he walks in front of me. I'm in the very first in line and starts to get on. And all the black people are like, oh shit. What the fuck? What the fuck? And there's like five black people around me. And they're like, are we boarding? I said, they have not started boarding yet. I'm first in line. And they're like, well, I think we should board. And I went, well, hold on. They haven't started boarding yet. They're just boarding people with special needs or whatever, you know, like. And then, and they're like, well, it looks like he's boarding. He goes, I think I will check out. I don't care. Like he was real arrogant about it. Yeah. I just loud as fuck in Atlanta. Are we boarding first class? And every black person, fucking patted me on the back. They're like, thank you. That guy was fucking cutting the line. And then he got to the front of the line, Tom. And they were, they were not boarding, but he was now in front of everyone. He just cut the whole line and they pulled him to the side. They did. Oh, that was so satisfying. They pulled him to the side and they sat him. Yeah, they sat him, made him sit out. Sven had to fucking wait until, and what's her name? Davis, Angela Davis, Viola Davis. Viola Davis got on before him. There's nothing more satisfying. You know what else is satisfying? I was taken through the, I was taken through the, I was taken to the airport by a greeter. Yeah. And the greeter, it made me uncomfortable. The greeter's like, come with me. So, and then the, there was a line for security and she goes up here, like come here and takes me in front of everybody waiting in security. And this lady goes, excuse me, excuse me to me. And I go, yeah. She goes, why are you skipping in front of us? And I didn't know what, I was like, ah, like I was like, ah. And I turned to the lady and she goes, because he can. That's what the, the airport lady said. And I was like, and I looked at the lady and I was like, ah, and I put my stuff down and she was like, what the fuck is this all about? I was like, you heard her. I didn't say it. I was like, oh my God. My best. I would not know. I didn't know what to say. I was like, I don't know. And then she goes, because he can. Okay. She was like, okay. That's fucking fantastic. The, do you remember that entrance I used to take at, uh, American Airlines in LAX? Yeah. Yeah. The concierge key entrance. Yeah. Same guy, Tony from American Airlines would greet me every day. Every morning I flew the same flights. Every morning, Tony would greet me. I talked to Tony every morning, checked in, same lady checked me in. Tony always walked me to the very front of the line, got me on, walked me to the front of the line. Yeah. I mean, I got to explain in the front of the line. It bothered people sometimes, right? Oh, oh yeah. Yeah. Walked me to the front of the people checking IDs line and then walked me to the front of people putting their bags on the, conveyor belt line. He would move bags out and put my bag and then walk me through. That's, that's part of what concierge key does. Yeah. And one time the line's long and Tony walks me to the front of the line and she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a line to Tony who's in an American Airlines outfit. She goes, there's a line. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. He's got status. She goes, I have status. And she goes, does he have more status than me? And he goes, I know his name. Do I know your name? And she went, no. And he goes, that's how much status he has. And he walked me through and I went, oh, the best one ever. I tried to sneak one of my assistants on a fucking flight one time. Pete, we were in, we were, we were boarding in Maine. We were boarding and I go, just board with me. I'm first class. You're sitting coach, but go, you can go get, board with me. Just board with me. Yeah. And he was like, I don't think that's how it works. I'm zone four. I go, it doesn't matter. Just board with me. I go, they're not going to check. Just trust me. I'm concierge key. They're not going to check. The lady looks at my key thing and then looks at him and she looks at me and she goes, oh, I guess we're using a little bit of our oomph today, huh? She let him on. She let him on while using, it sounded like Lois from fucking family guy. We're using a little bit of our oomph today. Here's why I don't think white people should be allowed to sit on their stoops and bedside. Go for it. Because I love it. Because I love it. Because these are the white people that transition their children and have pronouns. These, the kids, the white people that live in Brooklyn are the ones that can blindly see past the, what is it called when you make a neighborhood white? The gentrification of that neighborhood. The horrors that they did to the older black families who were in a great rent stabilized place and couldn't afford the incredible increase in taxes. They look past that because they wanted theirs. They wanted their white goods for them. And now, they're going to take it just as far to sit on their stoop like it's do the right thing. They should be, if they sit on their stoop, they should be forced to have love and hate rings on their fingers with a ghetto blaster and fucking holler at hoes as they walk down the street. That is, I am, I love, I love that take because I went, yeah, the people that move to Bed-Stuy are the woke. That is the woke. That is the woke community. I think she would be on board with you for part of your thing and then be like, that's not what I meant. I know. And that's the beauty of this show is you're allowed, when you take a great idea and you plan it on a comic's brain, we take it 10 times further. She's just saying, she's just, she doesn't want to be on the, she just wants to get up and walk out. When you give it to a, I have to, - I have to piss so bad. - Okay, don't worry, I'll keep going. Yeah, I'll keep talking. - Oh, really? - Yeah. That's the beauty of this Tom is that That was unbelievable oh I just read something. Hey, can you take your thumb and touch your arm? How close can you get I? can touch okay, so that is indicative of your Note no oh Can you suck your own dick? No, that's that's gut health Okay, so you're going you're dealing with all the gut stuff that the elasticity in your hands How is this - can you can this go 90 degrees back? More so that that is indicative of your gut elasticity, so it's not your yeah I just saw it on something who knows that sounds so made-up You know what? I wonder if I dreamed that Yeah, that sounds really made-up. I've been dreaming pretty taking your thumb touch your arm. You have good gut health No I'm watching too much internet Have you listened to any good? History Docs lately no listen to all recovery stuff and It's not decided to extend the sobriety. No, I look at can I tell you? I'm listening to this book on recovery on like alcoholism Just because I start drinking really soon I don't know when this comes out But I start drinking really soon like in a fucking couple of days and I haven't really done any work to figure out how I'm gonna Re-enter this drinking thing because yeah, I have enjoyed being sober I have but I miss drinking a ton But I don't want to go back to drinking the way I drank so I'm reading books to try to get healthy in my brain I said to myself Tom if I want to be able to know about myself and about my Use with of alcohol. I should do as much research as possible same way I can now talk extensively about the French Revolution because I've done a bunch of research on it So I started reading books then I was like this you could do this mental gymnastics for just about anything You could argue that taking the subway is bad for you and go the subway is horrible, man People get stabbed there do not do it and you're like or you can just go you gotta take the subway sometimes sure You might get stabbed. You might get robbed people don't know that that analogy is totally applicable for but that's the way they argue alcohol is that listen people are sexually assaulted on alcohol people get drunk Drinking driving people can't control their lives. They drink in the mornings. None of that applies to me So none of that none of that so let's swipe all that out right now. We're just going it's not healthy for you So great, that's awesome. How do I let me that's what I'm now working on Do you feel like and hear me out here? Okay when you are? in Drinking mode. Yeah, you're drinking Do you ever? Organize plans What you're going to do around alcohol being part of it? Do you does alcohol dictate I will do this instead of that I will go here instead of there I will sit here and never never I mean never No, never No, just so we're fair Alcohol is always there. I Live in a world. I live in a world now where alcohol accommodates me as opposed to like I'm not you know like So yeah, because some pot because when people talk about alcoholism Some people go an alcoholic is the guy that's asleep on the street. That's an alcohol. Yeah, I've heard that and Then other people like usually like the experts in the field go. That's not that's a form of it That's somebody who sure? It could be an alcoholic but an alcoholic is somebody who lets alcohol Control their life in some way. Yeah, they are they succumb to certain Pressures they let alcohol dictate what they do that is an alcoholic by a lot of people's measure Yeah, that doesn't apply to me in a hundred percent now Here's the thing the only thing I'm trying to figure out and this is what I've been doing and I'm and I'm Figuring it out ultimately with Kind of with marijuana is like I won't I won't Take marijuana if I have something to do the next day because I know that'll leave me drowsy And I want to be I want to be there the next day and I've never done that with alcohol I've always been like well just rebound. Don't worry about it. I'll rebound but now I'm looking at it going like so like I'm like Like your rebound. I'll be the same. I Don't know I time off. I I don't know. I think that it's gonna be really hard to get back into alcohol. I really do I think I Think my status quo right now is is I feel really good And I'm pushing it really hard in the gym and physically like with my days are pretty packed and and Yeah, I don't know but I'm reading all these books and so I'm like that's all like that's all I fucking take into the audiobooks about the naked mind and and it's thinks that like it's there's no real answer there really isn't and there's no real answer it's not like a it's not like a broad stroke for everyone and i think people want to make it a broad stroke but it just isn't you know there's like and and aa some people hate aa and some people hate uh people that just drink cold turkey and some people say that's the only way they could have quit drinking i have no fucking idea i mean how long has it been how long has it been uh right now how long will it be well how long will it be when you have your first drink uh five and a half months five and a half months wow yeah and no part of you wants to extend that though no a hundred percent if i didn't percent what i would extend it if i didn't i'm drinking for george's graduation um she was like please tell me you're gonna have a drink at my graduation and celebrate like i don't mind if you don't drink but i would love to be able to hang out with you have a drink with all the dads and i was like absolutely i'm not going to be some teetotaler like i can have a couple drinks and be fine and then my my fear is i know that there's a part of me that every time i quit drinking i would say wow i got i learned a lot that was fun and then i just go right back into drinking as much as i want whenever i want doesn't matter fucking get on a plane drink before the flight drink on the flight drink when we land get on the bus have a drink pass out get up do the show you know like that you think you won't do that that no that's what i'm trying to eliminate i'm trying to eliminate that i'm trying to eliminate like uh tonight excess that's what it sounds like yeah excess yeah honestly i'm drinking like a regular person i think that my biggest struggle has been like when should i drink because i don't know when to drink and and a lot of times right now i'm journeying a lot a lot about this i would drink if i had like anxiety or i didn't want to do something i would have a drink and every made everything easier and i'm right now i'm trying to qualify the difference between anxiety and just not wanting to do something yeah yeah yeah that's fair dude and so like yesterday's flight i was flying back from atlanta and i i just wasn't in a great mood and i didn't want to go to the airport and i didn't want to wait at the airport and i didn't i didn't want to drink and i wasn't anxious but i didn't want to be there and normally i just drink to get through the thing i didn't want to do and i was trying to qualify for a drink and i didn't want to do and i was trying to qualify i was journaling a lot on the plane about sometimes people do things they don't want to do and that you don't have to get a hammer to do that yeah i mean i think i'd scuba dive more if i could drink because i get down to the depth and i'm like i don't want to be here yeah but uh but wait let's let's everyone's got to be bored hearing i can't wait people most people like i can't wait for him to start drinking again yeah yeah that's exciting i'm making i'm making so i'm going to a bar with georgia and i'm making little porosos travel drinks so i'm drinking our vodka first nice you know i was thinking tom all that my feed is are these boys that are like 22 and they're like peak male peak male uh locked in this and they're like they they're like good morning and they're in their like workout clothes and they're like let's get after it america who's ready who's ready y'all meet the boys that's your coffee that's my feed it's jesus it's all my feet is and it's like and i mean tom everyone's doing that and peaked male uh whatever it is that's all they're and then they get up and they go and they run and they don't drink and they go to sleep at like eight o'clock and they get up at five in the morning and they jog and they all look incredible i mean they i don't think there's a lot of depth to a lot of them and not no slight they're 22. you shouldn't have depth they're just trying to get and this is how they get that's all they say it's a thing they're not doing it and so but that's all my thing is and i'm i'm i was thinking the other day i love guys like uh there's this kid big john golf or something kids that are drinking and partying and getting after it on the weekends and working out during the week so that's kind of what our vodka is based on is it's clean so you can recover yeah so now after five and a half months my i guess i can say where georgia goes to school she's graduated now right Yeah, I'm so proud to say this. I'm so proud to say this. I've never been able to share this. My daughter, Georgia Kreischer, went to the University of Oregon. That is one of the coolest schools I've ever been to. Her attending that college was such a fucking joy. And I had so much fun. I have such fond memories of the city of Eugene. All the parents whose kids go there are all cool as shit. All the kids are cool as shit. The bars are cool as shit. Everything about that place. I fucking love University of Oregon. I was not allowed to talk about it ever. I'm sure people figured it out. Georgia just didn't want me to blow it up her spot. But now that she's graduated, my first drink will be the graduation for University of Oregon. And then I'm going to go hike Pisgah the next morning at like 7 a.m. That's the one Cam Haynes does every morning. Oh, that's the one? Yeah, and it's aggressive. Are you going to carry a 70-pound rock? I was thinking about. I was thinking about putting on a 20-pound weight vest. There you go. Because that's what I did it at. I did it really 50 pounds heavier last time. Oh, wow. I know. But I was like, I'm going to have a few drinks, and then I'm going to go work out in the morning and see what my recovery is like. Because our vodka is the cleanest fucking vodka in America. Yeah, man strips out all the nastiness, and then you fucking can get over it. You don't feel destroyed after it. Wait, let's pivot to the internet a little bit. Because you posted a video that I saw as child abuse. Yeah, yeah. And you saw it as awesome. Do we have it? I sent it to Leanne. Wait, can I send it to you guys? While we search through this video, I'm going to paint a landscape of what I've been seeing. And I'm just saying what I'm seeing a lot online is dads raising savages, right? So dads. Yeah, here it is. Here we have it. Okay. It says new world record. Oh, cool. He's four. I bet he woke up that morning right before he went to wipe his butt on the stuff. I can't believe that this kid doesn't do the freak out thing of like, no. Because he's four, Tom. Because he's four. No, but four. You know, a lot of kids don't freak out before you mark them. It's after the mark that they freak out. I wasn't going there with it. No, because that's all I see. And I'm so sorry. And what stinks is I've seen these Moab guys, and this rope swing is pretty cool. And I always wanted to do it. And now I never will do it because I'm certain they'd loosen my harness a tad bit to kill me after what I'm about to say. But this is borderline child abuse. Let's see it. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Ready? Five, four, three, two, one. Let's go, buddy. World record. Holy fucking shit. You just crashed it. Excellent. Just absolutely showing us how to do it. That was incredible. All right, shut up with the fucking. Hang on, hit pause. And I'm going to just be very kind. Shut the fuck up with your bullshit trying to make it okay for yourself. God, look at him showing us how to do it. Shut the fuck up, okay? He's four. He's not. He didn't show you how to do anything. He fell. He fell. He fell from a high point, and he was caught by a rope. You knew the rope was going to roll. It was going to work. The child's life was not in danger. That is true. That is true. This is very safe. There's a lot of checkpoints that go into this. I believe this company is very safe. If you are 18 years old, you should absolutely do it. If you're with your parents and you're 17, 100%. If you're four, your parents should do better. Your parents should say, buddy, how about when you're five? Let's wait one year until you can, like, are starting school and you meet other kids and you realize what normal is. Let's teach you how to swim first. I would love to hear the conversation before this and after. I wish there was, like, a follow-up to this. Buddy, they couldn't post it. Is there a follow-up? They would get arrested. No, no. He wants to do it. He wants to do it. You know, I don't know if we can. There's had to be someone going, I think this is a bad idea. Is that the kid right there? Yeah. What's it say? My dude, what's your name? David Douglas. And what are you about to do? A kid. You're going to run off this cliff? You getting kicked off or are you jumping off? Jumping off. Yeah. Give him a high five. Heck yeah. And how old are you? Four. Yeah, dude. That's a new record, bro. A lot of. Hey, hit pause. A lot of skydivers are wiping their eyes like they just woke up from a nap. Endless summer escapes start here. Travel the worlds of Netflix IRL. Inspired by fan favorites like Stranger Things and Squid Game. Brave the Upside Down. Face off with the front man. Play leveled up arcade games. Shop exclusive merch. And enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat, and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria Dallas. Bring your crew and save. Get your tickets today at Netflix.com slash house. Before they go skydiving. A lot of skydivers are sitting there going, what are you about to do? Color? Color? Kid has no. He has no idea what he's about to do. That's fucking wild. It's such. Listen. Well, I feel like it's pretty split. Hang on. Stop. I apologize. I didn't mean to say stop. Here's the point. Do that with your four-year-old. Don't post it. If your four-year-old wants to do it, just do it. Do it. Don't post it. Don't post it. You do it. You send it to your family group chat. Look what Connor or Carver, whatever his fucking. Wayland. What's his name? Yeah. Wayland. Wayland. Look what Wayland did. How cool. Post this in a private chat thread. Put it on a private page. Do not post it for everyone to see. The child does not have free will yet. He's four. There's a reason he's also not working in a coal mine right now. And by the way, he would be very useful in a coal mine. There's a lot of places. He'd be really good. He'd be great. There's a lot of things that we could get this kid to do. Now that we know that his parents don't want him to have free will, why don't we. Okay. Okay. Soft pitch. There are. There are kids out there doing child. Why don't we get him in? No, no. Get him in undercover. The kid likes adventure, right? We get him in undercover. We put him in. We lube him up. And we send him in. And they. Yeah, he'll get. A little bit of that. Part of the deal when you're a fucking undercover agent, Tom. And the kid likes adventure. We've said that Connor likes fucking adventure. Why not put a wire on him? Lube him up. Send him in a bunch of. And go. And then, Connor, you're safe where it is. You're safe where it is. Animal crackers. When you're safe where it is, you're safe where it is. When you feel unsafe, say, Animal crackers, we're going to send them in to get you out. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Yeah. This should be on Subway takes. Four-year-olds should be able to jump off rope swings and set world records. I feel like most people. If you scroll these, are most people pretty adamant that they should do this? They love it. They love it. It's the internet. It's the internet. This is fucking awesome. This is awesome. Your kid's a savage. You're a savage. Does you have. Can you have a program you could sell for $29.99? That I can teach my kid how to be a savage and jump? Yeah. All I see, Tom, are there's a cheer dad. Does anyone find this? There's a cheer dad who has his daughter doing moves, and she's crying. She's saying, I don't want to do this. And he goes, hey, here's the deal about bravery. Bravery doesn't come from in here. It comes from in here. You got to understand what challenge is. By the way, you're looking at, and I apologize, and I know I'm going to get destroyed online. Bert, you were a bad dad. You were this. You were that. Whatever you want to say, you can say it. I'm just saying. You're looking at dads who didn't achieve anything, making their kids fucking achieve something so they can fucking have some sense, semblance of worth. I looked at that cheer dad, and his daughter's crying. I'm sure at times, all I'm saying is don't post it. Just don't post it. I think it's clear how you feel. I think I got it. I mean, maybe, am I off? Is there anyone? You have two children. Yeah, no, I don't. First of all, the reason I just know that my boys would be like, no. No, no, no. They'd leave me like, no. No, no, no, no. I think you're also pitting this wrong. You. No, I would not sign them up for this. No, but that's because you're a logical fucking human. The person who signed his child up for this wants this accomplishment more than his child does. There's a strong case for that. He wants the views. He got the click, and he was like, dude, this is going to go fucking viral. Now. Yeah. Now, everyone's going to start buying my robe necklaces. Well, find out what the dad does. Find out what the dad, he sells something. There's a guy. Drives motorcycles or something. You don't know. There's a guy, and once again, I'm hot, and I should measure what I'm saying, because I'm whatever. I won't blow his spot up, but you can find out who he is. He's got two sons, and he has them fighting. He fights them. Oh, really? He has them fight like a cockfight. He puts boxing gloves on them. They tackle each other. They do burpees up. They go up mountains. They cry, and then he gets in their face, and he tells them what strength is, right? David Goggins, his toddlers, they're your age. They're your kids' age. And then he sells a pamphlet for $29.99, how you can raise your kid. To be animals. Yeah, to be animals. And you're like, no, no, no, no. We know how to raise animals, okay? Todd Maravich's dad did it, right? And it didn't work out. Can you explain who Todd Maravich is? Yeah, yeah. He was a quarterback who was. really well known for, honestly, having a dad that was like a total fucking lunatic uh coach he was a real high achiever in high school and college and then in the nfl it didn't pan out but his dad was like over the top with his level of coaching his son from everything from his the moment he wakes up to what he eats and stretching and and following this really really regimented protocol and it was too much it was too much never had mcdonald's yeah in his life and went straight to cocaine yeah there's definitely this thing is too much i think he's dead now right todd yeah i don't know is he dead um he had a rough run of it and it wasn't his choice he didn't have to have a rough run of it he could have just been a regular kid and and also been a pro athlete because he had the skill set to be a pro athlete it wasn't his dad's mentorship that got him to the program he had the skill set to be a pro athlete it wasn't his dad's mentorship that got him to the pros it was his authentic raw talent and his genetics his dad was a savage yeah yeah but i mean this is that was a hard ass this bothered me so much and and i and i and there's so much of this there's a point where you can't not look at child labor laws and realize this kid is working right now what's next for this kid we're gonna go big wave surfing like i mean i'm being serious the dad's got a brand right his clip went viral the dad now has a brand and the brand needs to be you gotta feed the algorithm and this kid is the shirley temple for this dad's stage mom the dad's a stage mom because the dad's not in it the dad just filmed it dude you know what he loves adventure so he's gonna go rock climbing he's gonna free solo fucking el capitan at five world record world record right no it's not fun if he's 18 we gotta do this while he doesn't have a choice to make any of these fucking decisions that's when we gotta plug this kid in and i i know that i'm getting hot about this yeah and i understand the internet's gonna go after me and say oh because you raised fucking girls or whatever or whatever yeah and you were a bad dad whatever you want to say say it all i'm just saying you if you sit in your bed at night and remember when you were four the last thing you wanted to do was jump off i have a fucking 700 foot free fall hey man look you convinced me okay and i i i wouldn't have signed my boys up at any point for this shit so let's no fucking way let's okay yeah uh lou reed and moby wouldn't like us definitely black artists do i think so we would never sit on stoops i would now i would love to sit on a stoop yeah i would love it i'd be out there with a fucking backwards do ragging a 40 yeah i would definitely be out there yo bitch hey bitch you big head bitch dog head bitch turn around when i'm talking smile more whore yeah there you go you funky dog head bitch yeah and we're not putting our kids to jump off moab my kids are done i never got them to do anything good like that you're like i'm kind of jealous do you realize how many fucking rocks i would have thrown my kids off of to get views if that could have gone viral if to sell tickets to a fucking hey i'll be at the funny bone in this weekend that's my daughter i would have i would have gladly thrown isla off a rock to sell tickets at hilarity's yeah fuck yeah dude this was fun this was fun um i think the next time maybe the next time i see you will be post drinking possibly yes or maybe there's one more i don't know you 100 next time you see me i will drink okay we'll see how it goes all right all right bro thank you guys for watching thank you for listening i may not have drank the next time i see you okay and okay all right i'll time after that all right i love you too bro bye bye guys one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and burt's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave you