77. BeLovedBeauty w/ Rachael Roland

We are the one story podcast. We believe in the power of a story. Everyone has a story and that story is meaningful. Your story can make a difference, your story can inspire others, your story is important. At the same time, ultimately, everyone's story is a part of one story, the big God story. Where will you come back home? This is the one story podcast. My name is Drew V. S. In your and I'm with my friend Isaac LaBrieja, my best good old buddy, O'Pau. Oh, true. There it is. I gave it to him. We're here for another episode of the one story. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for pressing play and going down and giving us a rating and review on your iTunes Apple podcast player. We appreciate that. Thank you for all of your listeners out there. We see the plays in your different areas of the country, the state, the world. We just appreciate that you guys are listening into this thing. We ask you to share it with your friends. Hello, world. Hello, world. We're talking to you and then out into the multiverse. We see you. We see you. It's like the second time I said the multiverse this day of recording. You just I mean, it's fresh on your mind. Hey, I get it. Miles Morales. Yeah, so just having a good time here recording a podcast, asking for your guys support as always. Really just sharing with people. We talk about it on your social media, Instagram, Isaac says, take a screenshot of you listening to the episode and put it on your Instagram story. Just helps us out and just spreads the word of what we're doing here and pointing to the great works that God does in our lives, the stories that we have, the stories that are on this podcast, just pointing to Jesus and God thing that he's real. He's alive. He's living in our lives and he's for everybody really. It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, your background, all that stuff. Jesus is for everybody. With that, we also ask that if you do want to support the podcast financially, you can buy a one story podcast t-shirt and that's available at allgracedub.blog, two designs that we have and then also a sweatshirt. So yeah, go on there, buy one, help us out, pay for some of the costs to do this thing and you can also support. What are our friends or are podcasting friends like podcast network, podcast network, Brian Sumner and foolishness podcast on my wife, Wayne and LeBerry had an all-gracedub podcast. But also we, Josh Harmony, he's been a guest on foolishness a few times and go support him. Check out his music, support his music. It's so good. It's kind of been the anthem of my life recently. Now that note too, also support Nell G. Yeah. Good old Nell. Oh my, powerful Nell G. He just came out with his album, not just came out while this is coming out, but go to iTunes or wherever you listen to music and look for Nell G, his new album. He was a guest on our show and then also he opened up for our live show that we did the end of last year and I'm just trying to see what the album name is, but I don't have service. Anyways, go check out Nell G, his new music. It's really good, really good stuff there and support him because we do and we hope you will as well. And then on today's show, we have on Rachel Roland and she comes on, shares her story and really wanted to highlight what she's doing currently with her nonprofit, Be Love Beauty. But really she gets into her story, which is an amazing, yeah, what is it? It's old Glenn burial burial. That's a old Glenn burial. Nell G's album, new album. Yes. So you guys can look for that. Sorry for the cutting in to what I was just talking about. But Rachel, she tells her story and it's a powerful one, very, very heavy and just amazing. What God does in our lives. If you're willing and open hearing is call. I mean, you just never know the way he'll use you. Just creative ways. I mean, ways that you were like, I could never think of that on my own. Even the show, it's like, we talked about it a couple of episodes back, but it's just, yeah, it's just a God thing. So just be open and willing. And you hear in Rachel's story about, you know, and she gets into it, but just no matter what, no matter how far you think you might have gone, maybe you were, or you know, in the church or you were following God, and then you fell away and you did that again. You've done that a number of times. You're never too far gone. And you know, whether if you're still breathing, you still have a pulse. There's still a chance to turn back to God and and surrender your life to him. So we hope that this story inspires you, encourages you and go support Rachel in what she's doing her team with Be Love Beauty. Got some links in the show notes. But without further ado, here's the episode with Rachel. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, here we are. We get to share your story. And yeah, I think we can probably just get right into it and kind of let us know maybe a little bit of background and then we'll get into what you're doing today and how you got there. Okay. Do you want me to jump? Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm looking at my shoes down there. Okay. Well, where are you from originally? So I'm, I have an identity crisis of that I was technically born in California, but I grew up in Pennsylvania because I moved when I was one. Okay. So my mom's a California girl and my dad's an East Coast boy. Okay. But I've been out here for about eight years. I love it. It's home, but I'm from a big, giant family and I miss all my siblings back east. Yeah. So you grew up back east until or your whole life basically or I mean, yeah. So I grew up I'm a pastor's daughter. I'm the oldest of six okay. And then two adopted. So it's just always been a party in our house. And then I went to school in New York City for acting. We're all eight kids in the house at the same time. On and off. Okay. I think we had one of the adopted with us while I was growing up and then one kind of shortly after I left. Okay. Technically. Are you the oldest? Yes. Oh wow. Yes. I have that mama bear. Oh wow. Nist about me. And so growing up as a pastor's kid, what was that like? Because I grew up the same way. Yes. You totally get it. I mean, I guess everything is different. You know, or it can be different, but I'm just curious. I'm sure it's different. I mean, I don't know, but it might be different for for boy and girl, right? Like different experience. I think it's mainly just the pressures of growing up in the church and all eyes being on you. So like, it's almost like being a celebrity, but like not really. Yeah. And I grew up my father's church that he took over at first was very conservative. So it was Baptist. And you know, finally he changed it to non-denominational. But when I began going through my rebellion stage, like 16, that was that was where it kind of went all downhill. It just became, for me, I think I struggled with a lot of legalism of that. I was homeschooled up until high school. And I went to public school for high school once we moved and just being 16, you know, and had been sheltered for so long, helping raise my siblings. I just kind of went off the deep end. And that was where it began. And I think I felt like not that my parents put that pressure on me, but also just kind of possibly the church. It was one of those things that like, okay, well, I don't feel good enough. So I'm just whatever I'm going to do me then. And that was that was the start of a 10 year rebellion, which was a very long road, but by the grace of God. Here I am. And really doing well. The best I've ever been, I think in my walk. So what did that look like for you then in your rebellion? Because that's that shapes us, you know, and I kind of was the same way. I think it was probably a good 10 years. I think maybe a little longer, but it definitely kind of shapes you. And then at least for me, you know, as as a Christian now, I see things a lot differently than I did when I grew up in the church and how I view people, other people. Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like just grace is a huge thing. And I think part of the reason the rebellion kind of lasts so long is shame is a very real thing. And so it was one of those things it there was multiple times through those 10 years that I was like, okay, God, I'm done. I give my life to you. I'm re dedicating it like I'm going to be better. And then it's like two months later. I fell and I stumbled and I really do believe when people talk about, you know, sin is a slow, slow kill. You don't realize how deep you're in it until you're like, whoa, I'm really deep in it. For me, it just kind of started off as small town, public school, drinking, field parties, things like that. And then it became that because there was a crack in my walk with God, I never felt good enough. I never felt worthy. And so, you know, I did what the typical woman does and tries to find that worth in men. And, you know, it just started off with, of course, of course, the boys, like you me, blah, blah, and led very quickly into sexual sin and the chains, the chains of sexual center, very, very real. And it just became deeper and deeper. And the more I tried to find that empowerment within it, it became worse. You know, as much as I thought I was in control and that I had it and I'm making myself feel better, it just took me deeper into that whole. Do you think that you're trying to get control from taking power, maybe like you're saying, a pastor's daughter and having that expectation and really feeling, probably like a lot of constraints and not a lot of freedom. So when you're out and you're doing, you know, it's like you have control over what you're doing. Yeah. And having that power over whatever it may be, is that what that came from, do you think? Yeah, I think that I think that was part of it. And I think it was, well, I just don't feel really great doing it with all the rules and how I'm supposed to do it. And I still don't feel like I'm good enough for fully loved. So let me try it this other way. And there there really, it really is a smoke and mirrors kind of thing of that. You think it feels better, but it is a very fleeting, not fully fulfilling emotion. It just doesn't last. And so you just, that's how it slowly leads you into just deeper and more and more. What was your relationship with your, with your dad? Like, oh, it was amazing. He, he, he doted on me. And my mom just brought that up the other day. She was like, you were the apple of his eye. And so, you know, that is something I've always asked myself of that. Was it daddy issues? You know, I always joke that it was mommy issues that for me, I just think I never felt good enough for my mom. And, you know, I love my father, but we have different love languages. You know, he, he is, he serves. He provided for his family. He owned a company well-being a pastor, because he knew being a pastor wasn't going to provide for six kids. Busy man, for sure. Yeah. And so he was around and he did stuff with us, but I think from maybe in words of affirmation, I maybe didn't hear it from him. But, you know, as I've done all the work and all the healing with God just in the last two or three years, I've really come to realize that I don't think it was my mom or my dad, because I would almost be the picture of people would be like, you had like the perfect life. Your family was amazing. And, you know, no family is perfect. Like, nobody knows what really goes on behind closed doors. You know, we had our shortcomings, but the main thing for me was that it was a crack within my relationship with God. It was kind of like I had one foot in and one foot out. So it was like I couldn't find fulfillment either. So you definitely had a relationship with God. Yeah. And that's something else I've had to take up with myself of like, oh, well, was I just not saved. I do believe I was saved because I see his hand on my life. And I just see that there's so many paths that I could have so easily went down. And I think as much as he took his hands off him, which is like, I'm going to let you do you girl. Will you do you right now? But he definitely there was a hedge of protection. So yeah. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel too. Because I you have the knowledge of how you're supposed to act or what you're supposed to do the Bible and everything there. And you know you've experienced God's love, which is beyond just a set of rules, right? Mm-hmm. But you're still going to make your own choices. And like you said, the sin it takes and it takes and slow, but eventually it just becomes more and more empty, you know? Yeah, the enslavement. And I think also a big thing was I just lost my total my train of thought. Oh, the knowledge that's what I was going to say is the knowledge is I think you're spot on with that is for me as I had a great head knowledge. You know, my dad is a doctor and degree in theology. Like I knew it up and down left and right, but it was it wasn't in me fully. It wasn't the relationship exactly like you said. It was a list of do's and don'ts. Yeah. Yeah. So then and so beyond high school as you start going on on your own. Yeah. So it was, you know, a couple of bad boy friends in high school that kept taking me deeper. And then I originally wanted to be out here in California. I was going to come out and be a makeup artist. I wanted to do behind the scenes and all of that. And I got in a really bad car accident. I think that was the first time God was kind of trying to get my attention. And of course, you know, I feel like there's so many times that he's like, hello, hello, and we just don't. Yeah. We just don't. So I actually hit a telephone pole. And it was when I got to the hospital, I remember they were in complete shock that were like what? Because completely slammed it. My car was split in half up until like the steering wheel. They were like, you should have gone flying through that window. And I do remember I look back at that day of being 18 and I remember, I remember hands just like something kept me in that in that seat. So anyways, I actually part of my revealing is I was driving on a suspended license. I wore a limited license where I was only supposed to drive to like church, school, home, and I had been taking my boyfriend home or something. And that's when I got in the car accident. So completely lost my license for a season. And that had to reroute. That was the car I was supposed to take California. So I ended up in New York City. And I even look at that of that I'm like, Lord, I think you saw and you knew the rebellion and the drinking and all of that that was going to happen. And I think that's a reason I'm not dead because I probably would have been drinking and driving and just not being smart and being forced to just take the subway and walk everywhere was a good thing. And so it was. Well, because you probably don't want to drive in New York City, right? No, no, you just you can't. You really can't. So yeah, I ended up in New York City. Actually, someone had been like, you know, you should go into the acting like Rachel, you've always since you were very young. You've wanted to do it, but I had kind of gotten scared. I was like, everybody in their mother wants to be an actress. So I ended up going to acting school and being in New York. And it was the same thing, you know, you just get drawn to those people that probably aren't the best when you've built that pattern of surrounding yourself with that. And I ended up bartending at like 18 and was drinking behind the bar and was partying. And bartenders in New York bartend until 4 a.m. So I would literally bartend go to an after hours bar and then get up and go to class at like 10 or 11. I look back and I'm like, I don't know how I did it. But even my life there, I just really saw the hand of God of everyone was doing cocaine and I could have gotten pregnant. There was just so many areas where that I didn't fall into drugs. It was just a lot of drinking and men. And that was the first time that I tried to, I think the best way would be that I'm empowered by the sexualness. It's like, well, men can do the hookup culture. So I want to do the hookup culture and thinking. And that's why, you know, when I work with women or mentor young girls that this generation is just very overly sexualized generation. And on top of that, the hookup culture. I've been there. I've done that and I'm not buying it because I was that girl that was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it feel better for me. I can play the boys. I don't care if they text me or if they want a relationship with me. But the bottom line is deep down. You do want them to call. You do want them to text. You do want them to pursue you. You have just disassociated from that and decided that you're not going to, but it does take a toll. So, um, lived a very crazy party as of the world you can get for two and a half years in New York City. And I never forget I was coming home from bartending one night. I think I had graduated and I was trying to make the decision of if I was going to stay in New York or what I was going to do, what my next step was going back home wasn't a no way. Um, Pennsylvania didn't have the same. Oh yeah. And at this point, I had like, my parents still loved me, but it was very, we do not accept your lifestyle. You know, they're not stupid as much as I tried to hide it. They were aware of what was going down. Um, were they, they probably weren't aware of the full extent though, right? Just probably just the partying. Mm hmm. Lifestyle. Yeah. Um, so it was just a very strained relationship with which from me, I don't want to say it took me deeper, but it was kind of just what the enemy kept using for me to run to mend. Feel rejected. Yes. Feeling like, well, I'm just as usual, never good enough, but I will say that's the one thing that my father did. And I, I tell him this all the time that I said because of my earthly father's love, when I did come back and was like, okay, I really give this to you. It was, it helped so much to have that example because my dad did always love me. You know, unconditionally, he was, I could tell he was completely disappointed, but he just loved me unconditionally. Yeah. Um, so I was coming home from bartending and at that point, I had a terrible roommate and we kind of had issues, but my door went open. Like, this door that I had come in and out of my key, and I had thought that my roommate at that time had like shoved chair underneath like the door handled to like keep it because that's like it wouldn't, it like jammed. You couldn't get in. Yeah. I couldn't get into my apartment. And at this point, it's like 5 a.m. and I'm like, what the frick? I'm trying to call her. She's not picking up. I thought that she was just pissed about something and had jammed the door. And I was like, you're not coming in. Um, so I ended up going up to my rooftop. The sun was coming up and I'm like, okay, well, because this is what we're doing until we figure out how I'm getting into my apartment. And that was the first time that I think I really heard God's voice of that he was just like, we're done. It's time to go to California. And I remember being like, what? Like, and at that point, I'm like, I wanted to do that three years ago, Lord. And like, you just didn't happen. And so that's the crazy thing too is that my relationship with God is so different today than it was then. I would even look at it and be like, really, what I even call that a relationship with God, but he was still there because I look at it and I'm like, I was showing up at church maybe once a month. to be like, "Okay, I'm here. Hey, it's your daughter." But what I have now, the intimacy, my gifts, being strengthened, it just doesn't compare. But I still think it shocks me that I'm like, "You were still showing up in prison in my life." Even though everything in my life, I was like, "Screw you, dude." And your ways are not my ways, but hey, when I need you, I'm gonna call out. And so that's when you very clearly said, it's time to go. And I think it was two months after that. I went home for a bit and then I moved out to California and I look back and I think he was trying to get me out of that lifestyle. I think it was him going, "Okay, if we remove you, then we can begin the process." 'Cause there was many times that I had cried out, "Okay, I'm done, I'm hardbroken, I feel depressed, I feel this." And I just couldn't get myself out of the cycle. Well, it's not that easy. I just took that cycle to California. Do you think that little moment there, which was kind of like a break in the action for you to go up to the rooftop? I mean, I don't know if you had other time to hear from God, but you know what I mean? Was it just that time that he can get a word in? Yes. And you could hear him, you know? It was the first time I think I allowed myself to stop and be still and be quiet. Because in New York, I really wasn't doing that. It was like, "Good, go from class, I go to from work, I just want people around me." And if there wasn't a quiet time, it was like, "Well, I'm gonna drink." And it was just there was no time that I was just forced to sit and listen. I think it's a thing for a lot of people, too. You just stay. I think people avoid God and avoid either filling any kind of pain or reflecting on anything by staying busy. And then when you are, when you do have that time to sit there, no TV on and just kind of stare at a wall or whatever, so that's what I like. I like sitting with my thoughts. You know, I got a lot of-- No, it's so scary. But then, yeah, that's when people either drink or whatever, you know, just to try to cope with or drink with that. Yeah, yeah. Or just the admittance that you're off. Like, okay, there's something not right. And I forgot to mention this earlier, but the reason that I took that so seriously is that literally after I felt like he just poured into me and had this conversation with me, I went back down to try to figure out my door and it just popped open and my roommate wasn't even home. Whoa. And so that's when I knew I was like, okay, this was-- So we'll call a holy smokes moment, right there. Yeah. So I was like, okay, that was definitely not me. Like, I was shocked. I was like, she wasn't even there. Couldn't figure out why I couldn't open my door. And I was like, okay, that was you trying to get my attention. Yeah. So you do move to California. And you said that the cycle still continues? Oh, yeah, because at this point, I think I moved right before I turned 21. And then I was like, okay, well, I'm 21. And now I can really drink without a fake ID and all of this. And I thought I had slowed down a little bit. You know, maybe it wasn't as crazy or as many crazy nights. But I then just took it into a different route. It became relationships. So maybe not too much partying at the club or just hooking up. It was-- I was still partying with friends in the restaurant business. And I then started getting in relationships with non-believers. And that was, I think, even more dangerous. Because you care about these people and you're with them. And you're attaching yourself to them. And they do not see things the same way or the knowledge that we had, that we were maybe in denial, that we're kind of walking in it. But yeah, it became relationship after relationship. And it was-- Did you ever try to express your faith, too? Oh, yeah. I was very, very open. And I know that we'll-- I always say, Lord, I know I'll be held to that standard. But oh, yeah, I even believed I was a walking believer. And just was just walking in complete disobedience. We were ever looking for a guy to be like, oh, yeah, me, too. Oh, they all did. You know, I feel like everyone is kind of like, oh, yeah, I'm a Christian. I go on Easter. I'm a spiritual. I believe in God. God's cool. I get down with God. Oh, yeah, they all claimed it. But that's when you got to be like, Yahweh? I got her. Yes. Yes, very much. Oh, yeah. So they all claimed, I love God and all of that. And that's just how I justified it in my head of other saved too. And I choose that we think when it says you shouldn't have sex before marriage, that's like, oh, it's old days and all of that. Well, you can pick and choose what you want. Exactly. Yeah. Of just picking and choosing what we wanted. But we were acknowledging God in our relationships and even called ourselves believers. It was multiple and healthy relationships, emotional abuse, hinged on physical at times. So just complete unhealthiness, which then continued my unhealthiness. And that led up to-- and you know, there was this one time that I dated another pastor's kid, which was, I think, just two hot messes getting together. And we had started off our relationship, totally un-pure, not doing it the right way. And I think I actually met him at the church that I was gracing the doors of. And a year into our relationship, he was like, actually, I want to be pure and do this the right way. And I was like, I'm sorry, what? I look back now, and my heart breaks for him. I did actually just connect to the friend that shared with me that he's no longer walking with the Lord. And it breaks my heart because you hear that a lot with pastors, kids. And I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the pressures of the church or just the standard that even though our fathers are human and can't be perfect, feeling like it's hypocritical. Yeah, there's some of that. Anything so. We were on and off for about three and a half years. We were going to get married. I thought, this is the closest I've even gotten to a real believer. And I think we stayed together because for me, I'm trying to do it the right way, God. He loves you. We're actually going to church. We're trying to do it the right way. But I think for him, it really was out of a place of works. It was like, well, I want to make our parents happy. It wasn't really for us. I want to lead us in purity because it's the best thing for us. And so when we broke up after the three and a half years, the enemy's right there. He's just right there to be like, hey, how'd that work out? Wasn't the greatest. And it was. It was a really devastating thing for me of that I felt like I'm like, God, I tried to do this your way. I was trying to do it the right way. And that just kind of catapulted me right back into the rebellion and hooking up and the devastation. And at this point, my parents were just done. They had released me. They said, we're not helping with anything. So I was on my own. I also look back at that. And I'm like, Lord, thank you that I didn't end up in some form of the commercialized sex industry, whether it was dancing or something like that, because it was tough. I remember I was living on people's couches for a season. I was living with the guys that I was hooking up with. Well, I was trying to figure out my own thing because I didn't have credit. And I had school loans. And so yeah, it was a pretty tough season. If I think where God was saying, are we done? Is enough enough? Not the tough place to be in when you're in the midst of that. Yeah. So it was a little bit shortly after that season that I said, OK, I'm done. I'm not having fun, Lord. Like, clearly my way is not working. I'm trying to put together the timeline of my cooking. So here we were. So yeah. I had a year really trying to be pure, do it his way. I got back in church. I was building that community. But I was still in the entertainment industry, which is tough. It's a tough industry. It's overly sexualized. What were you doing? Acting. OK. Yeah. So I did acting in-- You any like-- Any movies, plays, or anything like that? Nothing. Indie films. Probably the biggest thing was when I got into hosting, which was really fun. I did the Vampire Diaries after show. OK. What was that? What was that on? Because I see Vampire Diaries. I think that's a Disney. No, it was CW. OK. So they had seven seasons, and we had gotten in. I want to say maybe the fourth or fifth season. And they hadn't decided to end it yet. But anyways, we were on YouTube, and they were wanting to set it up so that we went on after the show. But then that got canceled, and all of that. But anyways, it was just let down after let down. And something that we sometimes do is we want to blame God for that let down. And being like, why? You got my heart so excited and hopes set up. And I just look back now, and I'm like, that was so not right. I don't know your reasoning. I don't know why you chose or whatever it was. But so at this season, I'm just still kind of engulfed into that community of actors and nothing against them. But it was in a Christian community. And I think it's kind of like someone in rehab or that is coming out of a drug addiction. You can't hang out with the old crew. If that makes sense. And so for me, it was very tough of like, I'm in the season of trying to surrender my life to you God and give it back to you. But I'm still kind of halfway engulfed into the old party scene in that world. And finally got a church community. It was on the right track. It was doing amazing. And also I forgot in between all of this right before the relationship with the guy that I almost married that I was with for three and a half years. That was the first time that God began calling me to start beloved beauty. And I was like, yeah, no. Just straight up Jonah was like, yeah, no, that's not me. I was homeschooled and I am an acting degree. I'm not starting and not on profit. I love volunteering. I was volunteering so much with treasures. They're an amazing ministry. I was doing the strip clip ministry with them. [BLANK_AUDIO] That's the other crazy thing is that I was so enslaved to my sexual sin and yet I'm volunteering in this The sex industry the sex industry That's just the crazy thing of where I'm just like was this stuff that was just like kind of like ending up One of those things you kind of run into with that not ain't trying was that was going on? Yes, I'm volunteering. Yes. Well the thing is even just the ministry itself Okay, maybe we're at church and even know how I stumbled across them. Mm-hmm I I became obsessed with that I saw this documentary on sex trafficking probably when I was 24 25 and what was it? Do you remember I don't it was I Don't I think it was like a new special on TV that they were going into like massage parlors and trying to bring awareness To that it's in the States and it's behind the scenes in different areas and I remember I was just so Captured by it and I couldn't understand why like I just I remember feeling terrible watching me like I feel terrible after watching this But wanting to know more of like is this really happening is this is this real and so I just Became obsessed with washing all the different documentaries that I could get my hands on and then I was like okay I want to volunteer with this and Yes, stumbled across treasures and was really involved with them and I felt like God called me Towards the end of the relationship with the guy almost married Mm-hmm And I it was just straight up now I then kind of started dabbling and it because it became like this heaviness like I could not run from it. It was just like Okay fine, so I literally I think I decided as like a bet of I was like I'm just gonna show you how much this is gonna fail so I'm just gonna do it and then when it fails can you leave me alone? I began was it just an impression on your heart or just an idea that that was given to you by God or yeah I guess it was a little bit of both that I just felt like he was like I want you to do this and I was like Okay, how and then I felt in the specific sex industry, but okay, but not just specifics of what you're actually doing now or No, not the specifics just something yes to be involved with that of just I felt like Non-profit, okay, and then yes, he began slowly revealing maybe what it would be different ideas. I have to go about it. Okay And then the relationship ended I was like what like the devastation then So at that time could probably you were in church probably with him you guys were doing I was doing it I was trying to go through the motions. I was saying okay. I'm surrendering my life. You were seeking Yes, I was trying to get back on track, but that's what I mean of when I When I talk to people of just the chains the enslavement is so real like because everything in my mind was like I'm gonna be better God I want to do this the right way, but it's like the enemy is just so close behind He's just waiting for that any moment where you're discouraged to be like that foot holding yeah Yeah, yeah, and that's what it was for me was Many small moments of Foot hold and then it's just down down the drain and I think the shame is so real of like oh my gosh I screwed up like Getting back to that place of like, but I screwed up again like that was the enslavement for me So for the next year I I ended up after we broke up I did what like any other girl what did does is like I want to travel I'm single now I'm gonna travel and I ended up Wanting to do something within the sex industry and I stumbled across an amazing Non-profit called destiny rescue where they offer these trips for you to go to Cambodia and Thailand and work with their recovery homes They have multiple over there. They're amazing when you see your recovery. It's not drug recovery No, no young girls coming out of sex trafficking that they've rescued so yeah, they have these these safe homes that they have these girls in and they're teaching them a skill and Decided to do that raised the funds Did you meet when you were doing this did you I'm sorry? No, you're fine. I had deemed let you finish So did you end up doing it? Yeah, traveling and stuff. Yeah, so I ended up somehow raising the money Which was in itself a shock And went on this trip and what's crazy is that when I showed up on the trip It was definitely one of those things of like I just like googled it found it I was like yeah, let's go to Thailand and Cambodia and work with these young girls coming as sex trafficking I really didn't know that much about their nonprofit Everything that they're doing was the idea that God was giving me for a bullet I remember just showing up and really hearing how they're doing it what they're doing how they're teaching them a skill and Getting them in these coffee shops that are owned by them and hiring them and I just remember in that moment being in all of like okay, God you've got my attention again So what was it like though like traveling like going out there in your first mission strip to us what it is essentially? Yeah, what would you expect and what was it like? So I've always had a huge heart for missions and I was super excited and I love just loving people and serving people but I don't think I had any idea what I was getting myself into There was just so many moments where God was like I'm here and I'm involved in your life And I've got you the fact that like something happened I was supposed to be with one group I ended up with like all the old people group and so usually like we would take I each home like a different person would lead and be able to be with like the girls and the activities and what we're doing and Because I was with and not a bunch of people my age, but all these older Australians I Ended up taking the lead on all of almost all of the homes and so it was just got a kind of placing in that place of leadership Not expecting it, but just seeing that that's him showing up and showing me My worth and that this is what I've called you to and step into it and and just being overwhelmed by the response of the girls and That not that it like comes naturally, but it is something that he's given me it was there in Thailand, I think it was like three nights before I Was supposed to head back to the States and we had some free time and I was sitting at this coffee shop having Some coffee and it started pouring down rain and I just remember being soaked and it was right there that God was like I want you to dedicate the rest of your life to this Wow And I had surrendered like I'd stopped to the Jonah running and I was just kind of like okay But it was in that sense of no longer just doing it to prove him of like fine It's gonna fail, but I was like okay. This is what we're doing well, okay So before I like totally was an ask a question before you got it I Got excited, but I wanted to know and not excited in a good way, but I just really curious like so when you're doing these Missed like you're on this thing and you're helping these girls like did you hear hear any of their stories? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, and one of the homes the youngest girl we had there was five. Oh, no, yeah It just I was like I was wrecked and it was a family member that had exploited her and was selling her Do you remember Carrie Garcia when she gave that message a box community and she she went to Thailand and kind of was exposed to those same things She said the same thing that it was way way more than what she expected. I remember saying she know who that is or no I then name sounds familiar, but off the top of my head I'm not she does some call freedom movement, but and then and that's not her Jack the whole Thailand thing, but Yeah, she was explaining how the the girls Like say it's the oldest one or something like they have to do it for their family Yes, the way the way to make money for the family and it's almost like a heavy responsibility on them or something Yeah, so you know how like here in our culture It's usually like the first born son, you know provide for your family if anything ever happens over there It is the girls So usually what happens is in these incredibly poor areas of the country Either the brother will get married or something will happen and they'll take out a really bad loan with a ton of interest rate for the wedding to throw this party And then they're in massive debt and it's the oldest girls responsibility to go into the city and find work and The red light districts there are just I can't even explain it's it's time square with young girls and I remember the first one we went to after it we went we walked into it just to kind of pray over them and and either Not to get too much into it, but what they have is these karaoke bars and so you come in and they are working these karaoke bars and they're supposed to drink as well Because it's supposed to be that we're having fun with you and they have to meet this quota of Drinks from the restaurant and then what the man can do is go to the owner of the restaurant and pay the restaurant to rent her for a certain amount of time take her off then they negotiate a price So like she's barely getting any of the like the money they negotiate their price they take her then they bring her back to work like but they have to pay to remove her from work We went and so what we would do is we'd just go in and just be with the girls. We would just pay to be with them and love on them And just the things I saw in these karaoke bars with these girls. They're like 1415 and they're having to drink a lot In a course of a night and just seeing them almost passing out I couldn't speak for 24 hours after it like I just I just was numbed so much or just I just was quieted and you're seeing the the guys that are there too though, right? That was a big thing I had to work through Sorry, go on. No, we I'm just because I'm it can imagine having that like knowing what's going on and knowing and like you're in a room with Like on predators, I guess right? I mean what do you do in a moment like that? It's where is where people go it's known for like just you go to get sex its tourists its locals It's all of it. I remember having a ton of anger towards the men and I had to work with our team leads in the missionaries there that really had to Explain to me that they're broken too that they're they're in a place of brokenness They're in an enslavement of their own and that they don't know any better and that we need to pray for them Just as much as we're praying for these these women Right man, it's heavy Yeah, so it was after that trip that I realized it's okay. I'm doing doing this Lord and that's where I took a complete life change. I got a job as an apartment manager of a bunch of UCLA college kids. So we're in apartment building but because it's right next to UCLA, it's all college kids. I should have known that I have like no experience in this and that they're like sure we'll take you because no one else wants to do that. They couldn't get a manager for more than a year in that apartment building. I've been here three years so something's going well. There you go. Anyways, so I took this job and decided okay, I'll be able to work from home doing this and working on the nonprofit and dedicating my life to this Lord. There was still a little bit that I didn't want a surrender of giving up the acting industry. You know, I'd put so many years into it. I was like okay, God, well I'll just do all three. We'll just we'll make it work and he was like okay, girl, sure. And I tried probably for about six to eight months to do both and I'll never forget it was probably it was just it was spring and probably within the course of a week all three of my agents dropped me. Oh wow. Like it was just like hey listen, it's been really great. You're awesome. It's not working out. And it was just like email after email and I was like okay, God, I get it. Okay, we're just not going to do the acting industry right now. I'll surrender it. So I'm doing really good for this year. I'm living for the most part like surrendering, giving it to him a couple of stumbles here and there, but for the most part doing really well. I'm in my church community. I was volunteering. I just was feeling great because I was actually beginning to experience the Holy Spirit. And I'll just never forget sitting on my porch that where I was living at that time. God speaking to me as clearly as that night in New York City. And I was just like okay, I was trying to read my devotions and take in the birds and all this beauty. I was like here we go. Like he's just like downloading. I'm like okay, I'm listening. And he had told me he's like, I need you to put on the full armor of God. And I was like okay, cool. I'm doing that Lord. That's what I'm doing. I'm in the word like I'm in my community. I got it. And I just felt like he was warning me. He was warning me. He was saying, no, you got to get ready. Like there is a spiritual battle for you and what I've called you to. And I was like okay, okay, cool. I just don't think I realized really what he was trying to warn me and just telling just I remember just downloading my worth on me like I could cry of just all the gifts he's given me and all these amazing things. And it was a couple weeks later that I met this guy that I began dating. And it was what you would call whoof and sheep's clothing. And we got in a relationship and he was a believer and very involved in the church and even like youth ministry, like it looked, it looked perfect from the outside. Did you meet him at the church or are you going to? I don't remember. I think we connected from like from an old church that I had gone to or something and we began a relationship and I should have known, you know, they talk about red flags and things that you should see. But we sometimes choose to ignore is that probably from the first couple times that we were dating, he was not fighting for my purity. It was almost a, oh, it just happened. Oops. And it was like, and I even remember specifically telling him like, trust me, I've closed this Pandora's box and it's taken a lot to close it. You don't want to open it. He didn't care. So I'm a year into beginning, a beauty and researching and reading all these books about how to start a nonprofit and me and all my learning disabilities trying to figure this out and do it and being excited and also seeing God open so many doors. It was so cool for him to be like, I'm going before you. And I'm like, where were all these doors in the acting industry, Lord? Like really? And that's just how you know you're in your path and like where you're supposed to be going. And that warning was that relationship for a year. It was the darkest and deepest of sexual sin that I've ever fallen. And I remember towards the end of it asking myself in my bipolar because that's how I felt. Like you know when you're spiritual, like you're trying to live in the flesh but you've been walking with the Lord, like you're just at war with yourself. And so which comes out and I think girl craziness of just not feeling like myself, I was an emotional mess. I was all over the place and I look back now and I don't think I realized that it was that spiritual battle in me. Right. I was doing nothing for below beauty. It kind of just took a back seat. I think every once in a while I would try to be like, Oh yeah, I'm finally in this paper for this or something. But I just was not working on it. And towards the end, I was at the point where I was like Lord, I remember laying in my bed. And he was next to me and I just said, Lord, I know how far I've gotten. Just have them marry me so I can make this wrong right and get back on track. I'm going to cry. And I just remember so clearly saying, I have better for you. And I responded with, well, I can't get to better. Sorry. I've just realizing the enslavement and that I was back there of that I remember just so specifically telling him, well, I can't get to better. So let me just write this wrong. And it was a few weeks after that that he ended it. And I look back now and I'm like, Lord, that was you rescuing me and plucking me out of that. But it did not come without the consequences. I've never been someone that struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts. And I was completely devastated. I was so thankful for the few friends that I did have within my church community that just came alongside with me and we're on weekend watch with me and just would lay with me because I was devastated. Were you you were broken up not by him, but just by? No, he broke up with me. I know, no, I'm saying not by the relationship though. Were you sad? Yeah, I was devastated. I was devastated. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was thinking maybe it was just what was going on. So I was sure we'll see in an attachment and unhealthiness and just how deep I had gone and allowed myself to get into a place of like, like, this is like you look at who you are and you're like, how? Like, how could I get there? It was to the point of like whether it was pornography or wanting to go into the strip club. And thinking to myself just a year or two years ago, you were doing strip club ministry and yet here you are. But it's and you just it's all these issues coming together and it's a bomb. You add in codependency and oh, but you love this person. So you're trying to justify it. But at the same time, you're like, this goes against everything that I believe in. How can I justify this? And I look back in it. And that was what I had to shed was the shame of how could you allow yourself to get their rage? You had been doing so well. You were trying to be an advocate for the commercialized sex industry and the terribleness happening in there. But you know, I would just go back to that place of drinking all the time. Like I just had to be loaded all the time. And so it was just the explosion of the bomb of all the little areas that the enemy had gotten a foothold in and you just lose yourself completely. So I think it was the mixture of, yes, of course, I was heartbroken of the relationship, but I think it was just how much I had lost myself. Like, how could you get to this point, rage? I'm incredibly thankful to my mom. She came out and did what I joke is two weeks of spiritual rehab with me. The same thing. She just sat with me and was like, OK, we're done. We're getting back on track. You're going to forgive. She just had Matt Chandler, Sermon's playing all the time. She's like, we're going to do this. I think she knew and she had seen where I was at. And it was also her unconditional love, I think, too, of that. She's like, even though we'd been here so many times and she'd seen all the guys that I dated that she was like, they're not saved, right? And I'm not sure you are either. But that she just came and was like, I'm going to be there for you and I'm going to love you. And, you know, people talk about these crazy miracle healing moments. And for me, that was truly one of them. It's one of the times that when my mom was there and we had gone to a prophetic prayer thing at this place in Pasadena called Pihap. And I remember when they did it, I walked down and I was like, that was what the heck was that? It was all how I'm feeling because they were like, we just see so much joy and we see just life of like just God loving on you and pouring His love. And I'm like, that is the farthest thing from hell. I'm feeling right now. And I look back now a year and a half later and it was spot on because where God brought me to and the work he did in my heart and just the miraculous healing, I can't even explain. Like I just, it is like people, I tell people that have just recently known me, you know, if you would have asked me a year and a half ago if I would truly be content and loving my singleness and just where God has me right now, what have laughed at you? I was the codependent relationship girl like needed someone to feel that worth at all times and now where I'm at and just the overpouring love that God has on me. I don't even recognize myself. It's amazing. Wow. So then be love beauty. Yes. So did I get back on its feet? It did. After a season of really healing and God having to just strip away the shame. We're back at it. And so it's been probably about six to eight months of really digging into it. And I am loving what God's doing. And so excited to see all that He has planned and how He's shaping it and how just the things that He's doing, I'm like, that is so not me. Like I just love those moments where I'm like, I know my personality, I know me, and that is not one of my ideas. And also just the amazing crossroads of people that He's brought into my life of that area is that I'm not gifted in, that it was like someone that lived with me for a month because they just needed a place in between the summers or whatever, and she's now become my main marketing person. Like I just see His hand on like specifically bringing me who I need in this moment to do it. And that's just the continual surrender of it of that this is yours Lord. This is not mine. - You guys should collaborate, Drew. You're in her marketing. (laughing) - Isaac Dean, me the marketing manager. - I love it. - Which is scary thought, where we're headed. - No, I love it because I'm just like, I don't know how to do it now. This is even the website, like I just do not have a good eye on like what looks cool and what's modern and all that and she's like, and we literally have meetings and she's like, no, Rach, no, I'm like, okay, you just do you. - So what is explained to us be love beauty and what does it look like that specifically that you guys are doing? - Yeah, totally. So, beloved beauty is, right now we're just an organization. We're kind of debating on if we're gonna be a B corporation, which is more like Tom's, which is a for profit, but it has a mission and it gives back, or a non-profit. So we're in that cross right now, but we are an organization that works with women coming out of sex trafficking or even the commercialized sex industry. I have a huge heart for women in the commercialized sex industry and there's also a huge underground lining of trafficking within it. - Within it. - Yeah. And we get them licensed in Cosmetology. And so we get them licensing Cosmetology and our hope and goal is to years down the road have our own salons and spas and where all of our girls are employed and working and it also empowers the everyday woman to get involved. Do you know what's a sensitive subject? It's kind of hard to, if you're not open to doing like street ministry, you know, these women and girls that are healing is, it's incredibly heavy and complicated road and journey of healing. And so usually takes training to be involved. And so it just kind of gives women a way to be involved of going, I'm gonna go and get my pedicure from her and I'm gonna support in this way. And so yeah. - I think it's a great idea because I think it's easy to say, hey, stop doing this and then it's like, and do what? Especially if you don't have no hope or vision, no skills or anything. Like what do you, you don't know your life? I mean, obviously if you got, if you're coming from that world, there's just a whole lifetime of baggage, you know? And it's like, you're asking me to get out of this. What do I do? And it's like, you're giving, it's like, here's an option. - Making a path for her. - Yeah, I think that's great. - And that's where it got so cool. - It's a great idea. - Because before I went to Thailand and Cambodia, I wanted a safe house. I was like, I want a big house and love on these girls and all of that. - Which is awesome too. - And I do hope that we have that one day. - And it's needed for totally. - But I felt that God did lay it on my heart that he was like, there's more of a need of that, you know, the safe houses or recovery programs that are a year, usually is the average. If you think about all that they have to do, a year is not enough. And so they go through this program or the safe home and then they get on to the real life. And it's like, okay, so I have to handle my PTSD, get my own apartment, work a minimum wage job. Like it's a lot. And so I just, I thought and found that cosmetology is something they can get excited about. There's so many different outlets that they can go into. It's attainable. It's kind of like plant therapy, which is something we did over in Cambodia that it gives them something to look forward to. They know what they're working towards. And so yeah, I just, and it gives them a skill that they can feel empowered with. - Wow. It's good to like that. That's really cool. - Okay, good. I like your response. We're on the right track. - You can go ahead and move forward with that. - Thank you for that permission. - Thank you, thank you for that permission. - No, that's so good. And I don't wanna, you know, you shared so much and you're so vulnerable with your story, which I really appreciate. We appreciate, I don't wanna skip over it, but like, it's just, it's amazing that, you know, the grace that God has for us and that you're able to, I mean, obviously, we can hear it, you know, you went through a lot of pain, a lot of hurt and but God can redeem that. - You really brought on by myself. - Well, yeah, a lot of times, I mean, that is, you know, sometimes things are done to people, but, and I feel the same way, like, a lot of the choices I made were my choices and I chose to go down that route, but just to be able to see that healing or hear the healing that you said that God was giving you, just amazing, just how good he is and that's available for anybody, you know? And what would you say to, I'm sure you do work with young women, but what would you say to the young women that maybe aren't as deep as the sex trafficking or the sex industry, but that everyday girl that's looking for acceptance from a relationship or, you know, they're worth from a guy or a boyfriend, you know, like, what would you say to them? - It don't work, girl. (laughing) - Simple as that, huh? - It's, you know. - It's a new hashtag. - My wife would do that for sure. (laughing) - Love it. - No, that is my heart and, you know, that's something people ask me all the time, they're like, okay, so were you in the sex industry or were you prostitute? You know, no, that's not a part of my story, but it's connected to just as much the passion that I have for these young girls in this generation that the hookup culture and all of that is so real and it's so easy to get lost in it and it's just, it's not, it's just, I wish, and I, you know, I just had a girl yesterday that came in to talk about apartment stuff and it ended up as like a total therapy session and me being like, can I pray over you? (laughing) But I know I sound old fashioned, but it just, it does not, it doesn't fulfill, it doesn't work and it just, it keeps going deeper and so just be okay with being different and knowing that in the beginning, it's gonna be really hard. My recovery after that relationship, I remember, there was times that I would just cry out to God that I'm like, I can't do this. Like you're literally breaking 10 years of me feeding my flesh and doing it my way or whatever excuse I wanted to have, like I'm very sexual being or whatever it is, he can do it, we can't. It's his strength and so no matter how many times you've fallen or failed and the shame that you feel just don't let the enemy use that to keep you down because God wants freedom and He does view you as a queen and you are His beloved and He loves you so much and He's gonna continue to show up and pick up the pieces and He wants life for you, life to the fullest, not broken and just surviving just fullness and joy which is now what I have and my girls that have known me for a while, they laugh because they're like, we don't think we could ever see you loving your singleness. - Preach it. - Powerful, rich, wrong. Thank you very much. That was powerful story as usual and yeah. - I'm close to your culture. How can people point them to what you're doing? I don't know if there's a way, like if it's still too early on, but where should we point people to? - Yeah, so we're definitely, you know, we're a startup. So if you're like, I know how to run social media, I'm really great at writing blogs, hit me up 'cause we definitely need that, but we are actually starting our first mentorship program. And so if you're either in the beauty industry as a makeup artist, hair styles, whatever it is or if you're not, we're gonna be connecting girls and people within South LA, foster homes, victims, recovering, survivors, all of that. We are gonna begin those mentorship programs and you can check out our website at belabudy.org and get in touch with me and we'd love to get you involved. Yeah, belabudy.la or me personally, Rachel Rowland. - On Instagram? - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah, we'll put some show notes or those links down in the show notes. And so people listening, go support Rachel on what she's doing, her team and belab beauty. And thank you. Thank you for making the drive out here and sharing your story and just being so open and honest and it's just amazing. It's a blessing to hear that. - Thank you for having me. - Yeah, thank you so much, Rachel. And with that, we just ask how you open your eyes, listen closely, stop in your heart and ask God to root them stuff to you. ♪ Who are you alone? ♪ ♪ Who are you where you come from? ♪ - Yeah. ♪ Yeah. ♪