being comfortable being uncomfortable

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the podcast of my name is Bella. And we're here for another week, which is very exciting. Today's currently Friday. It's been a good week. It's been, it's been a week. I would say it has been good, like majority good. I've started, I have three different journals, I think it is. Excessive, my needs have different journals for things. Like I don't actually know why I think putting things in different journals is really important, but it's something that is important to me. Like I can't I have one Journal that it's As for writing down my, like, daily goals and my gratitude then, because I realized, right? No, ask explain that. So that's my first Journal. My second Journal is my thought Journal my writing journal the ones where I just like word vomit on. And I do that every day or I didn't water them every day to be fair. And then my third journal is my one would like my dates and things are going on in my life in like I put events in it and then next to each page is like next to each like day. He is a bit to write on, and I just write down the things I've done, because it's not real. At my thought, it's like a little snapshots, like, brief snapshot into my brain. Brain, big snapshot into my brain, in the white journal, and I don't know why, but I just feel like it's nicer because I realized with the journal, where I write down, my, this is probably so boring. This is such a dull conversation. I'm going to tell you anyway in the journal that I write down my goals and my gratitude list, I realized I was just blocking up my nice Journal. Like, you know, it doesn't need to be nice for that one because it's kind of like every single day. Day pretty similar stuff. So it can all stay in that one. But let's go to the life update for this week. It's been as I said, it's been a good. Oh, this is why I came onto the journals. My ratings for this week have varied between six out of ten to an 8 out of 10. I had an eight out of ten day one day and that was my was a really good day, to be honest. It started out well, Monday was a good day. I don't know why Monday was good. Oh no. I actually was Monday. Good day. I can't even remember what Monday was. All of the days are slowly. Turning into water and it's like getting faster and faster and faster and faster. One day was a good day because my housemate came back. They both left me for an entire weekend and she came back on Monday. So that was lovely. And then her boyfriend. Came on Tuesday, brought jerk food from this really great place in Bristol. So that was I think it's called rice and things, it was delicious. So we had that on Tuesday and that made Tuesday a really good day. I remember that were made Tuesday a solid eight out of ten, nine out of Any good although I had a meeting about my essay for medical anthropology. Mmm. She said I was trying to fit too much in that it wasn't like very like she was like I am concerned that you tried to write about too many things and I was like, hmm. I am also concerned, I am also slightly stressed about it but as I said, it's a really interesting question, we're getting taught about. So my I have chosen an essay on what the no sorry, explain how knowledge has been Knowledge of illness and disease has been used to control and organize populations. I was like that is so interesting. So it's obviously talking about not actually like population control. Like making sure the population is limited like birth control. It's like used to organize and control populations in terms of black populations as a whole. And it's a been a really interesting essay to write and kind of explore the different ways that kind of what is knowledge, how is knowledge come into being and the ways. Is that knowledge? How we've accepted its truth but it's not actually true that all knowledge is really subjective and all knowledge is informed by narratives that have been prevailing in our society and I found it a really interesting one to, right because I've Illustrated it with ADHD and it's been really interesting to kind of write, right? The point. And then be like this is Illustrated with it. Like one point that I found really interesting to write is the on this thing called regimes of Truth and narratives. So the regime of Truth was introduced by 50 cal. I don't know how to say the name. She'll for coal for the fa. You see a ult Google home. He was an anthropologist I want to sit. No, I don't think he was and he's a philosopher. I don't know. He was a person who wrote about these types of things and I'm sure. Wikipedia, I'll provide a much better. Anyway, I didn't come to give you a thing on that. He too came up with this like concept of the regime of truth that whatever you believe is a truth is subjective to the cultural societal and like your own beliefs, they get subjective to you of what you've been in. Like what you've experienced and how that can kind of play into the knowledge, like the tracks that you're on, in life, the kind of knowledge that you have in the opinions that you have on something that will implicate, what research, and what knowledge you then prioritize, and then your carry-on. And it means that these tracks that we stay on particularly in terms of like knowledge and illness. That will mean that certain things get prioritized, which means if you are not prioritized in that narrative often disease is relative to you won't get for your further research. And anyway, I This point with ADHD because I think it's really interesting that male symptomatology has been prioritized like ADHD was classified as like a mainly are like a male-dominated disease because typically men had these symptoms like more obviously and so it's kind of like it was thought was like a male-dominated disease for so many years, which has led to a chronic under diagnosis and a diagnosis of ADHD and women. And then I found this really interesting paper that was talking about how ADHD and Women is that to do with like the narratives of our patriarchal society in the kind of the gender Norms that we've Associated, Two, Men and two women women to be more like subdued having to, like not show their symptoms because for fear of like backlash for them. Whereas the male is told to be like more dominant more, like less likely to be controlled like that type of typical picture Ogle society, which makes sense with them. Being able to perform their ADHD diagnosis. More directly in visualization of society because I'm not scared of the consequences but anyway, that wasn't I just think that's really interesting. Just just to think about, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I just think medical anthropology as a subject is made me really question everything. And it's been a really good one to improve. My understanding of these fundamental things, we believe as fact, are they actually fact and what the implications of society on creating these bats, but the point I did want to make was about the narratives of having a patriarchal society and deciding that it was a male-dominated disease, led to a chronic again. And as I said, I was diagnosed with ADHD and women but also an under like we didn't know that much about ADHD and women because science is always viewed from a male perspective which meant male symptom ologies have been prioritized because that was viewed as the kind of universal symptomatology, but in the Universal symptomatology was actually the male symptomology and you can even see this. When you look through, like, diagrams and old picture, booklets, offering the female, like, what the female looks like is a duplicate of the mail, but different not like two different bodies created. Friendly like the male body copied and pasted then edited with the female on. I think that's really interesting to think about how the male was viewed, as the original and the female was like a differentiate Like A variation of the original rather than two separate beings entirely. I feel like I've just got on a massive medical anthro. 1 ball for you all and maybe it's really boring to everyone else but me but I think it's so interesting and I'd never considered any of this before. So the essay is going well. I should probably leave it there as I have rambled for about five minutes, but it's a really interesting topic, and I'm really enjoying writing it. It's just hard to kind of gather your thoughts on it. On, you know, there's a lot of things to consider a lot of things to kind of get my head around and different readings in different perspectives and different ideas. And there's a lot of papers and it's like all kind of overwhelming. Especially think like the ADHD is not helping in a situation like this, where there are so many different things to think about. And so many different kind of ideas and viewpoints and trying to construct an argument Sighs Ben, I'm struggling with it, but I'm keeping going and proud of myself. We're soldiering on through. I've only got the conclusion left to right, and then I've got to cut out quite a lot of words, which is my biggest flaw this time rather than just writing the essay, I try to, like, give myself word limits per paragraph. So that it would like make me stay more on track and it has to be fair, but it's still not good. Which is a bit of a letdown in other news this week. Oh, and then Wednesday, I run a NK accidentally. I really need to start checking maps because I just keep accidentally running really far and not prepping myself for. I run around the park, then he ends up running down a park that I didn't know about and it just went all ended up being quite far, but I think I'm kind of worried about my leg. One of my legs is really really stiff and when out stretch it like it really hurts and I just don't want to like mess up before the marathon. So I'm going to run a half marathon tomorrow realize that's kind of counterintuitive if I don't. As my leg up. But I need to prove to myself that I can do it again. So I'm just going to wake up early and get it done and I'm, you know, I think this long-running like long-distance running is something that I'm going to carry on doing because I think it's really good for my mental health. I've noticed I'm a lot less anxious when I'm doing sport which makes a lot more sense because it's the only time my brain can switch off and I've noticed on the days like I had a rest day on Thursday and I was just really anxious didn't feel good about myself didn't feel. Don't feel good. Think I need some form of movement every single day, which is a bit annoying because sometimes I just wish I could just chill. But no, I think it's also hard because when I go home there's not really like I mean like when I go home there's so many really nice walks to go on it. You can go to the beach and go to the woods, I can drive somewhere, LOL, I would not drive anywhere that would never happen, even though I have my driving license. It's never going to happen. I just I am a passenger princess I love being in the passenger seat and my best friend likes driving and my boyfriend likes driving. And I like being in the passenger, okay? I do not see how anyone anyone could argue. That being the driver seat is more fun. You actually have to concentrate in the driver's seat when I'm in the passenger seat music. I get to choose snacks. I get to choose can go on my phone, I can call someone I would have called someone because that would be very rude. But you know, the opportunity is there when I'm driving. I'm so stressed and so anxious. It's not a fun experience to be honest like I'm not I'm not a fan, I'm really not a fan so I probably wouldn't drive anywhere but I would get someone to drive me somewhere. See that's like that. That works out well though it's a but this was my initial point was that here there's not really any way to do that. So when I don't go to the gym in the morning I'm not just going to go for a walk on the Thames, I mean I could but it's a bit of a track you know, like that's quite far to go so I'm probably not going to do that so I feel like I just end up not doing anything that day. Which doesn't serve me very well, but we move is, it's all, it's all gonna work out. I'm just stressed because my exam is rapidly like this time. Next week, I will have finished my exam, dun dun dun. I was meant to, I don't know what I'm going to do the podcast next week. Next week is a held week for me but we're not going to talk about it now we're just going to ignore and there's also no I'm not even thinking about my to-do list to do. We're not we're not thinking about any of it other. Oh my God. How Can I have been talking for this long and not let you all know? I'm just typing in my password on my laptop because I realized, right? This is there, is this issue that I don't really plan where the podcasts are going to go and I think maybe that's unprofessional. Maybe I should be planning, maybe that is not okay, but, you know, we're not. So it's fine, two things. First thing last week, I smashed my laptop. Can we just Annie you ready for the most unlucky? A story, you have ever heard. So this tiny piece of metal, tiny was like a little circle, but it had like like it was obviously like, you know, from a zip, the part that connects the Zippy part to the part that's on to your clothes, like a little hoop like that, and it's slightly Come Undone and it was lifting up at the top. And I didn't like see it because it was that small and it got caught in the Bendy, part of my laptop. And I shot my laptop screen. I just heard I was like, or what was that? What was that, opened it up? There is a hole in my laptop screen at the bottom. Now, there was a hole in it. So I just covered in duct tape and I just I I can't be dealing with that right now. I can't, I cannot afford to get in. You lucky fuck screen completed. Absolutely not no chance. So I'm just, you know, we just ignoring that at the time being we're just, that is one issue but it's not a big issue. Another good thing that happened is I got my stats result back and I did well in it. And I that stats exam pushed me over the edge like and I really I did. So last term I struggled with maths and it really lot knocked my confidence. I can do very well and examine it really knocked my confidence. And now I've done this new thing like I had to harder assessment in it, but I worked really hard on it and I got a better grade than I did last time. And I was like, I'm so happy. Like, I feel really proud of myself for that because it was something that I've liked. Really struggled with. I've always told myself I'm really bad at maths and I think that's starting to like that's a bad thing to be telling yourself because it just makes you think you'll really shitty and it doesn't help your mindset and doesn't help you solve things. So that's not be very good. But the thing I really wanted to talk about was my traumatic morning yesterday in, which by 9:30 in the morning. No 6:30. In the morning, I called 999, it was horrific, it was horrific. So I woke up very Five states because my boyfriend are called me at like 2 a.m. and we had a chat and then I went to sleep and I woke up three hours later. So woke up its tired, very tired. When I'm tired, I'm bit grumpy, I can't lie and I'm very like not functional. And in order to tell my alarm off as you press the button, the rather press it. Once I press it three times, then we noticed what I was doing, then all of a sudden I just heard this kind of like, hello Hello, is everything. All right? Hello, and I was lying there with my eyes closed. Like what is going on my phone heard initiated that distress signal, which had men. It had called the police operator and because I had gone back to sleep because I didn't know any of this is happening. I hadn't realized and then get this my phone screen locked itself, so I couldn't end the call. It wasn't responding to me at all. I'm now wondering if I was doing something really stupid because I was so sleep-deprived, But every time they hung up it, recoil recalled them and it kept recalling and it kept recalling and it kept recalling. So, in the end, I had to take my SIM card out. That was the only option I had to take my SIM card out and just lie there and think that that was a very stressful start to the morning and then it alerted. All of my emergency contact exact. They were like, Isabella commences alerted you that she is like in an emergency situation. She needs your help but Robert and I was like, this is not, this is not a good start to the day. It's really not a good start. But in other news this week was good. I think those things have made the week a bit like air, but it has, it has been a good week. Trying to stay positive, trying to start a new manifestation thing of me being like, I am open to new experiences rather than saying what I want to happen being like open to anything that could happen. So I think that I've been a bit, like, unless a board but like, very uninspired creatively recently, very uninspired. And I've just got a burst of creative inspiration. Ocean again yesterday and I want to start creating different types of content for Tick-Tock. I think I've just been bored recently with the content I've been creating and I don't look like I wasn't looking forward to creating anymore because I've done it so many times. So this is like a nice transition. I'm trying to mix it up a bit at the moment. So if you do see any because the tick-tocks not it's not going badly but like it's not going as well as it was because I'm changing things up. Which means it doesn't get the same level of interaction and Tick-Tock only shows your video to people if it gets good interaction level. If you see something, can you like it? Because then it might like me Tick Tock, boost me again. And I really want to reach 50 k. Like I have been sat at forty, five and a half thousand followers there. So long. Now, like so long and literally climbing, like a hundred followers or week, which means I can't, it can't take me a year to get 250k. It can't, it can't. I can't grow by 48 thousand followers in one year and grow by 1,000 in the next year. That's embarrassing. Harrison. That's a poor attempt by me. So no. I've got to try harder with that. But you know, other things are in life going well and feeling more inspired now. I think I've let myself be uninspired and bored with it and now I feel quite inspired if that makes sense of it. I could not before like 360 if you like I want to create content, which is good. I'm glad because I think the I think I was, I think I was worried about it like weather, like whether my heart was in it or whether my heart wasn't in it. Night, the implications of that. I think I was slightly concerned that my heart just wasn't like it. My heart is obviously in the content creation, creating everything and I love it. But I'm just burnt out and you know, when like your heart isn't in anything. But now I've kind of gone for three 180 and now really wants create content and do work and feel excited again. So that's good. Being totally transparent. This week has been a hard week and mentally I've been a bit like that up and down. Um, I've had good days, the days have been good and like I'd like it has been a good week like it has been a good week. Good things have happened but emotionally, I have felt quite like drained with everything quite tired, quite anxious. I thought anxious a lot and I have cried twice. I think I've cried twice once once properly. The second time was a really proper and I think it's probably to do with . Coming, I'm thinking that's probably what's going to happen because I have a spot on my cheek and I only get those when I'm on my period. So, because I'm on the coil, I just don't really know when I'm on my period anymore. Like, not going to lie, don't really know when that's happening, but I'm thinking it's now because I feel so emotional about everything on top of also being burnt out and feeling emotional, but that's kind of why there's just a lot going on right now in terms of life and what you want to do and it's just a bit like It's fine but it's also really hard and this is why this is podcast this week's podcast episode is on being content where you are and kind of like learning to like love the present moment that you're in because it's something that I'm really struggling with not going to lie, it's something that I'm not good at and I'm really struggling with and I need to learn to change it because otherwise I was going to pass me by and that's not what I want. But anyway on to the content part of this week's podcast episode which is learning to love where you are. Okay, tiny, tiny little break before we move on to the content part of this week's podcast. Please, if you haven't already, can you subscribe to the podcast? Give it a review and then follow me on Instagram. And I'll take a look if that's possible because we have reached in, I got this new thing and I can see how many people follow me, 3,000 subscribers to the podcast now. I'm sorry, that's so exciting, but I want to get it to 4,000. Like I have big dreams and if so many more of you subscribe, and that means so much to me because also the people who Want to work with the podcast, it means I can I show them actual quantifiable data about why they should work with me, because we think they should work with the podcast. I need to convince them. So it would massively helped me and it also really helps more people find me which means they can join our community of really lovely people. And then we can be even bigger and better, and it would just be great. So if you can follow me, if you can press, subscribe, if you can give a review, please do because it really like it really helps. It's such a small thing to do, but now I like on the receiving end, I'm realizing How impactful it is. So I've gone a followed every single podcast. I listen to you because has such a big impact on the things you can do with the podcast. It's really important. So yeah. Anyway, on to the concert week's for this week's podcast. So this week, we are chatting about being content in the present moment and being content in the knowledge that you don't know what's coming. Because it's something that I am struggling with no matter how much I realize it's important and it's something I'm starting to wonder, will I always kind of be not? What is this me? I'm always going to juggle with I hope not. I hope at some point I learned to be in the present moment but I'm just finding it. I just find it so hard and I think it's definitely something like, it kind of, I don't know why I've struggled with it so much this week, but I think especially being in a long-distance relationship. It's something that kind of makes you think about the future more, because I think you start to question, like, when do you live start to cross over and when's that gonna went all going to come together and it's something that There's so much uncertainty with that, it's kind of like a futile conversation, they will have the conversation and then we'll realize that there's no point talking about it because you're not going to come up with the final solution and whatever solution you come up with will not be the thing that happens. You're just trying to create a fake plan about what's going to happen to give you both the security and the confidence in what's going on in your lives, to know, that it will come together at some point. But rather than having a plan and feeling that controls repair, Plan. I'm now realizing you have to have feel that Comfort through just a feeling and a knowledge that you love each other and that's going to be okay. And I think it kind of plays into everything this idea of me, not knowing what I'm going to do, I've got to stop finding comfort in the plan and I've got to start finding comfort in everything that I've set up for myself. And how that's all going to come into play and how everything will work together to create a future. That's so much more exciting than I can even imagine. And the thing about it is is that I'm very aware of I'm so aware that if you plan your future, if you plan what you want to happen, like you limit what you can't have in your life and it would be something that I tell, all of you guys. I had no, I get it. I understand it. I understand the logic behind it. But God. Do I love a plan? I love a plan. A plan is like wearing a seatbelt. It's like, everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine. And I don't know why. I don't know why I've Associated having a plan with Everything being okay but I really have and it's something that's like locked and loaded in my brain. Like if I have a plan, everything's going to work out and I think it's because if I have a plan then I can make everything go towards that end goal. Which normally is everything does work out? And when I don't have a plan, I tend to feel like I don't know how everything's going to come together and I find can find that tricky and I think I can find it tricky, wondering how it's all going to come together but then that's silly. This is it. This is what I'm just, I'm just slowly getting a Irritated at myself because I'm just like creating all these fake scenarios in my head about the worst-case scenario and how like, what my future could be, what my future couldn't be, where it's all going to come together and just worrying about it. And feeling really, really sad about hypothetical situations. I mean, my friends was working earlier at lunch about like the danger of hypothetical situations because you can literally convince yourself. That something is a truth and you can contest revise a situation but you can convince yourself that's what's going to happen which can lead to disappointment. And it can lead to like massive over reactions to certain things because you're so overly worried about something that isn't even going to happen. And I think that's something that I'm Very aware of that I'm doing. Like, I'm very aware that the dangers of overthinking and the dangers that these this type of line of thought can have because this is the other thing. These hypothetical situations that I create in my head about like, where I want my future to go is really great to like visualize and dream and manifest these things. But soon as you start, including other people in these dreams are manifestations, you somehow now create expectations of them that they're not even aware of and that they have never agreed to. But you start creating expectations Asians to them and I have found myself expecting things to fall into like life a certain way, even if I haven't had that conversation, I'm expecting it. And then when it doesn't happen, I'm disappointed. And I'm like, why am I disappointed? They never even agree to. I just convinced myself that they agreed to it because I needed to have a plan about how things could all come together and it's just this constant cycle of that. I'm becoming more and more aware. I think this is the kind of cool thing about getting older is that you become more aware of how your brain works. I'm going to put my legs on the chair. No, I'm not. Actually, I feel really uncomfortable, you become more aware of how your brain works. You become more aware of the flaws in your brain, not the flaws, it's not flaws. It's just how it works and more aware of how those ways that it can work. Can affect you. And I think this these visualizations scenarios that I oh my God, it's been recording so much. That is the biggest paragraph I have ever seen it. My watch has been recording for so long, I'm sure you do. Just and Siri no one understands. I don't even understand. I think these scenarios as much. They are nice to provide a comfort blanket in like exciting to think about how the possibility of that scenario can happen in could be it's also really important not to create an expectation with them and be very aware that these are just scenarios in your head. It's very like be excited about them. Hope for the Manifest them. I'm not saying like, don't dream but I'm just saying, don't don't like create so many expectations. As with it because that's the thing that's like scary about it is that you can create expectations with them and that places people in a really uncomfortable position because somehow they're letting you down for a situation, they never even agree to and that's tricky. I think this need to have a plan. It's something that I've always struggled with and I think about kind of like my life and how it's played out and I've always known what I was going to do and I liked knowing what I was going to do. I always like to knowing what I was going to do. I feel like I remember when I win on holiday with my ex and like we went away for a month and we went traveling around Greece or we went around Italy and most like the itinerary I created was ridiculous like it was so much of a plan because I guess I was kind of nervous about going away and I didn't know how it how many other ways I could control that other than providing, like a really intense plan about what we were doing. And I think this is something that I've noticed just that even when I was at school I wanted a career path plan. I want to know exactly what I was going to do and I want to know how I could do it and I needed to know how everything I was doing. Could feed into that end goal, I think it's because when you know where you're going you can feel more motivated about something but I'm just realizing more and more that I'm not really, I don't know what I want to do and I need to need to be motivated by the knowledge that it will all work out. I keep coming back to this line of thought and I'm probably going to say it over and over again because I'm kind of realizing It's not it's an issue. Like I need to change my way of thinking about things like that. And so this is what I'm realizing is that these ideas of how I control my life, aren't really methods of control, they're just methods of control that I think they're not real. They're not actual, they're not a plan, and I think about the times where I haven't had a plan my year off, did I have a plan for that? Well, first off, I was going to get a job at the hospital. I didn't get even an interview I applied. There was literally at the perfect role that microbial. Biologists working in a lab doing Diagnostics. Didn't even get an interview. Then I applied working at Sainsbury's. Was that my plan? No, I had a first class degree with like honors. Like I had worked so hard and I was like, I'm going to be able to get in like I'm going to be able to get in with like a career start. Start job like someone the career path and I didn't get in anywhere and like that wasn't the plan but it was perfect. It was a great job and it worked for me for the time being. But from that, I got Internship and I guess I joined LS, H TM, and I didn't know how it was all going to work out, but I guess it is slowly making me realize the entire world of like public health and of data surveillance and like data scientist. I think I might want to be a data scientist. Slowly, learning learning. I'm slowly learning more about it. And I'm just realizing that it's kind of, like, pulls on all of my strengths. So, data engineer is someone who like, analyzes big data and creates they're like, they do the coding. I'm not, I'm not. Great. I don't know, I'm repeating words load. I think I'm just thinking aloud a lot. I'm my strength on writing code and creating code. My strengths are using what other people have done to analyze things and spot patterns. And then tell this to other people, I'm really good at like talking. I love talking as you can, probably tell. And so I've been thinking a lot about that as a potential career path. I was talking a lot about this to my sister. We had to call yesterday and wanted to finish that point of like no matter what you do, whatever you Do you think it's your security, your comfort blanket because it is your plan, but it always ends up leading to something that you didn't expect. And I think this is the thing, I'm realizing in all of these paths that I've had in life, in all of these kind of places that I've ended up, it has never been the place that I thought it actually would. It's always been a version of that, that's normally so much better than I even imagined. And it's exciting to be aware of that. It's also, okay, to still be scared about it. I don't know why I still find changed and like uncertainty, so scary, but I find it really. Really scary. I'm really need to learn to be more of a fan. I was talking to my sister yesterday and I was just explaining that there's a few things that I want to apply for like, and was talking to her about the different jobs, but Barbara, blah. And then she's like, it's really funny. Isn't it? How no matter when like, when you're at the stage? When you were this time last year, when you're applying for your Masters, you you thought like that, was it? Once I apply to my master's like that is my career path sorted. And now I'm here and it's like Really thought I'd know what was going to do and I have no idea and I'm applying to all different things and I'm slowly realizing that growth that life is an iterative process. It's not it's not a one-sided, it's like it's not one size, fits all it's like not a tick box exercise where you'll do one thing and it will all lead together and it's going to be fine. It's messy and iterative and it goes round and round. And you might do the same things once and then twice then you might change and you might go back and you might go forward and then you might change things all the tile and then start from the beginning. It's not going to be a constant step in the right direction towards this certain thing per se. But it's always a step in the right direction of kind of finding out and narrowing it down to where you actually want to be in life and where you want to go. That's a nice way to think about it. I'm ring, I'd never really thought of it like that. I think the thing that kind of worries me about my future is like knowing what I want to do and making sure that I'm constantly taking the right steps before. That, but maybe the end goal needs to stop being my career and my final place, I'll end up maybe the end point needs to be finally knowing who I am. And what I want to do in the world and being contemporary, I am in each step, no matter how irrelevant or relevant, they are to my career or the things that are like, I really like have high aspirations for, I guess. No matter how different they are to that. At some level they're pointing me into getting to know myself more and I guess that's the true end goal. I think this is a thing that I really wanted to chat about. It's like what are your end goals and how to become more content in those and knowing that that will always work out? Does that even make sense? The whole point of this episode has become more content in like your current position and I think I'm slowly realizing that maybe it's not having a plan, maybe it's not knowing exactly. Really, what you're doing? Maybe the Comfort isn't in that, the Comfort isn't working out, what the solution is, the comfort is being okay, with not knowing the solution, being, okay? With the unknown being, okay? When things don't go to plan B in okay, when things change because you've got to stop being so attached to this goal, at the end of the tunnel, the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, because that's not really the goal, the career. The, I don't know these things that I have in these goals, I have in my life. Although they'd be really incredible to achieve their not the thing that I should be pursuing. Ultimately, the only thing that matters is your relationship with yourself and getting to know yourself. That's the really important thing and I think this is what This is how may we become more concerned. I mean, I don't know the answers. This is just me and my thoughts on the thing. I really don't know the answers, but maybe the content nurse and the clarity, and the comfort is actually in realizing this journey that you're on this place, where you're going to, you're never going to reach an endpoint. You're never going to get there, you're constantly going to be evolving and changing and growing and you're going to change with it. And with that your wants and your needs and your desires, and the things you have will change too. And that's going to mean, letting go of some things and creating other things. You know, it's going to be mean letting go of some dreams and I think this is why like the importance of being content where you are and stop trying to like Rush past. Everything is realizing that there's no place that you're rushing to no matter what point you're in, you're always going to be thinking about a new end point. When I start a new job, it will be the endpoints of projects when I finish the project, it will be new project, won't be new projects. It might be the Next step in the career ladder, there's always another step. You can go to be really got to find comfort in the journey rather than in the steps because the steps will never end. But at some point, you'll become burnout and I'm motivated because the motivators behind. You climbing the steps were to constantly reach the next level and as soon as you realize that you're never going to reach the final level. As soon as you realize your, there's never going to be a top because the top is always evolving. Then you're going to feel so emotive ated. If you can find that motivation within yourself, if you can find that want to carry on and that want to keep going because you want to get to know yourself and you recognize that in yourself, you will never know yourself, fully that that journey is never going to end. Then I think it's easier to stay motivated for Maybe that's maybe that's silly. I think it's silly that I think it's the truth. I think, well it's my truth anyway and I'm not speaking for everyone but I think that's why I need to change about my line of thinking is realizing that I've been really I've been wishing things away recently saying that, like, I can't wait for this Masters to be over. I can't wait for it to be finished but it's part of my journey and it's letting me know so much more about myself and it's created like such incredible friendships and really is like fully Changed my life and open up so many doors. And I don't want to be constantly wishing that side of my life away. When it's like, had such a positive impact on my life. You know, I need to stop wishing things away. I've really been wishing things away recently and I guess that also comes with the uncertainty about like being on distance and wondering, whether our lives will ever match up. I guess that one is tricky because I guess the end goal is to have a place together and to be together in the same place, but the end goal of any Ancient ship is to feel like love for someone and for them to love you and to get to know more about yourself. As you get to know more about them. I think that's, I guess. Ultimately, the end goal of all relationships is to care for someone to love, someone to feel that Karen, love for yourself, to find that sense of belonging with someone else. But also in that in that finding that belonging with someone else is getting to know who you are through, loving someone else. And maybe if we all shift these focuses of what our end goals are from being, so kind of like outside world, there's this thing called like emic View and eat it, you know, actually, I don't think it applies her, but this idea of rather than looking out looking in, making it an individualized problem, rather than like a population or problem because it's not your issues, these things that you're feeling right now, my need to have a plan, my need to control. My outcome is placing so much value. In the outside world or the outside world can provide you with, but ultimately, you're pointing this out, is to get to know yourself to get to know you, it's to get to know where you're going, is to get to know what you're doing. So if you could start placing the value in that, you realize that you are on track and you can never really be off track. I think this is the other thing. It's letting go of the idea that your dreams have to stay the same forever because they don't, it's been something. I've been thinking about a lot really about how my wants and needs and goals as a person. Have evolved so much over my life. And that meant, let go from things which I really want it to happen but in letting go of them, it meant that other things could happen. It meant that other things. I never even imagined of could happen. Like, you know, it's like this, it's rooted process of you. Let go of dreams, but it doesn't mean that they can't come back. Because nothing is nothing is like concrete. I think that's a nice way to think about it. And I think it's important to transition these goals to transition not goals, to transition the power that you place in everything you can achieve. Even the outside world, it's really important to put some of that power back in yourself and realize like I've been asking myself reaching like a lot of like, what's the point? What's the point with this? You know, and it makes it sounds maybe like a deep sadness or but it's not, I'm not being it in. Like, why am I doing this? I'm just trying to find a deeper meaning to the things that I'm doing other than just getting a grade on a piece of paper. So I can apply to a job, like there has to be something more than just numbers on papers that has to mean something more. More to this. And I'm starting to realize I'm learning more about myself as a person. I'm proving to myself, I can do these things. I'm proving to myself, that I can do hard things. Like, why did I run 13 miles? Why did I do that? Because I wanted to prove to myself, I can do hard things and I think in doing that was kind of like a big motivator and realizing that, you know what? I'm going to be just fine, everything is going to work out, okay? And I find comfort in knowing that everything is going to work out, okay? Because I will always be okay. I'm not saying if I'm okay, I am everything, but I'm saying that maybe I've labeled this point too much. Maybe I've gone from balance it for too long, but the benefit of having all of those thoughts and those motivating facts in yourself. As that mean, you're constantly motivated, because you're constantly growing, you're constantly evolving. And I guess that's how you find safety and not. Not saved you, but I guess if you start realizing that you are your own state seat belt, you are the person getting you from A to B and you're going to get yourself there. Okay. And it is all going to be okay because you are there, you're the common denominator. Later with it all, you're going to be just fine. I think that helps me think that's going to help me. You know, I actually feel so much better off. This little pep talk to myself about how my life is going to work out and how everything is going to be okay. And how realistically I need to put stop putting so much like power and pressure on these outside things and realize that the only things that are important is the relationship I have with myself because that's the thing you start with that something you end with, that's the thing you can really truly control. So as long as you're motivating factors are all ways to improve that, then I guess it's good. It's okay, not to know where you're going. You are still in control, just of yourself. Maybe that makes no sense. Maybe it does make sense. I don't know, I'm just trying to find ways to comfort myself and I think this actually no I think it does make sense. I think it does. I really think it does. I think in doing this in placing so much like emphasis on you I'm realizing that the end goal is not to get to a certain point in your life of things, it's just get to know yourself. That's the entire end goal of all of life is to get to know yourself and with that knowledge of yourself to do, great things with it. I think it takes away that expectation you have on Our people to abide by certain plan because if they don't abide by certain plan, it might be disappointing, but it doesn't affect who you are as a person, it doesn't lose that sense of control because you're still going to be able to know who you are. You still gonna be able to do great things? And I think it also means that you can let go of these ideas of what forever plans are because you no longer have so much expectation on them and the need for them to happen because you think of they don't happen in the world's going to come crashing down. That's not the case. So I think biggest piece of advice if you're struggling to feel content in the Isn't moment if you're really trying to like you're extrapolating extrapolating, that is not a word, you're extrapolating your life, you don't know how it's all going to come together. Realizing that the coming together isn't the end goal is never going to all come together because your life is going to fully change. You know, your life is constantly evolving. So how can it all come together? Like a crescendo it's not going to Crescendo, it's just going to be a constant constant constant crescendos throughout your life, that very in like, tone and pitch, and the instruments that are involved, everything is going to change. Ian, your life is like a classical music piece as it starts. It starts softer. When there's less instruments When there's less things going on, but slowly and surely all of these different things start to come into play a new instrument start. They pick up speed life gets faster, but ultimately, all of these things will never end. Stop they'll just keep going and things will be added in the sound will change the music peaceful evolved until it becomes a version of you that you would have no idea who this would have been becomes a version of the future. You could never have predicted because you had no idea which Going to come into the crescendo, you know, I think that's the thing. Stop putting so much focus on it all coming together and working out in the end because the end will never come it will all work out in the end because you will create an incredible life for yourself. But there's not going to be a point where everything just stops, you know, something really sad. I used to be like I cannot wait for a time and when it's all over when I can just see myself that is such a sad way of living, that's such a sad way of living. I don't want any of us to feel like That I don't want any of us to do that, you know, I need to stop this. But anyway, let's go on to the questions for this week's podcast. So onto the question part for this week's podcast episode 4. So the first question I want to ask, I want to ask. No, I want to answer. Let's look. Okay, how to stop? Comparing to other peoples journey. I used to be such, I used to be so bad for this comparing myself to other people's lives. And really, really bad for this. And I think it's so much easier when you're at like School particularly even at University, it's easier, but as soon as you leave uni, you realize that like you are All completely different path. So you can't even compare anymore. I think when you're in school because you're the same like your surrounding people are similar ages and even at University majority of people are similar ages. I know, not everyone. But majority of people are similar ages and so you're constantly comparing ourselves to people around you because there are some things that you can compare on because you can go with the same age, we should be doing the thing. Now, I'm at my masters and they're literally like there's such variation in the age. There's people who are 50 doing their masters, are people who are 30 doing them out. Cause I'm like I'm 20 to do. My Master's got friends with 2120 like 30 everyone. If every age is doing a master's like there's no real commonality between the ages and that has made me realize that you can't compare your path to anyone elses because all of our lives are so different and it's also realizing that your lives are so different and just because you're doing something different, doesn't make it better or worse. I was speaking to a lady yesterday about like what she comes to the Masters later and She'd have an entire career before this, and she'd done so many incredible things but like, she's come to the Masters later. I've come to the Masters earlier. There's no, you can't. Like, I think you stop comparing yourself to others. Once you realize, there's really, although you think you can compare, you think there are commonalities there are not commonalities, okay? Or you have in common is the same age, you know? There's nothing in common, you doing different things that's unique or do you have different interests, are different, friends, have different families, you have different. Lives. And I think, as soon as you realize that the comparison isn't actually a comparison, it's like comparing a chair with a table. You know, it's not really a comparison, it's just two things you can appreciate the two things and you can see that someone else is doing something and think, oh, I'm really interested in that. And if you feel that like, tug of jealousy of like, I feel like I should be doing that unpack it. Why do you think you should be doing it? And where does it stem from and packing things? And asking where my emotions have come from and trying to like get to know myself a bit better? That way can be a really good thing because I think jealousy highlights, what you think you're missing in your life and also makes you more motivated like and that can be really motivating to get you back into an area where you feel more content. It could expose something about yourself that you're not happy with that. You're unaware of. And I think that's when comparison, I guess you can switch it into being a good thing. But fundamentally stop comparing because it's really no comparison. There really isn't anything that you guys can compare to, okay? How do you focus on living in the moment, rather than worrying over the future? So this is a good podcast. So for that there, that's for sure. I think what I've spoken about this entire podcast episode is realizing that the end goal is in ever going to be an end goal. It's constantly evolving. So realizing that end goal is just getting to know yourself. And as long as you're carrying on getting to know yourself, as long as you're making yourself happy, as long as you're learning new things about yourself, then I think it becomes more focused on living in the moment because you're not constantly trying to motivate yourself into getting into these. Like, do these certain things, you know, you're not constantly worrying about the next thing that you're doing because you're realizing the benefit of the current thing you're doing has on your life but I really, I'm really bad at this. Like I'm really bad at living in. Simon really shocking. Actually, I'm trying to get better but it's not. I feel like I'm always living two days ahead and that's not very good either. I guess it's a work in progress. You're aware of it though. I think that's the most important thing. Seems I catch myself worrying. I'm like, take a deep breath. It's all going to be, okay, really? It's all going to work out and it's got a trust in that. I guess. How do you deal with bad days? So, I've kind of been noticing first off where my bad days stem from. Um, and we're like, why they stem from them? So my first thing I've realized is my bad days. Stand. When I don't do any type of movement thing when I just chill, I've spoken about this before, that doesn't really help me out mentally that actually makes me worse. So I stopped doing that as much, which is good. I've had a made myself more active and I really like prioritize exercise, I think bad days. I give myself a lot of compassion, and I'm kind of to myself. I used to be quite mean to myself and I had bad days because I would just be, like, get a grip. Like, come on, you can do this. Stop being like, Lazy about things but yesterday, I felt so anxious all day and I realized I've been on my phone for so many hours just like scrolling and it was bad. And before that, I probably would beat myself up about that felt guilty about it because I felt like I should use my time better, but this time I wasn't like that deep breath. And I was like, it's okay. You had a bad day today. It's not that deep tomorrow will be better, it's fine. And I think that can make the bad day. Not be prolonged, think it's doing things proactively in pre-emptive. Glee to like stop bad. A so for me it's exercise I don't know if you might be like cooking or things that bring you that joy that alleviate kind of like some of the symptoms that can make you feel bad, but then when you are having a bad day, not extending the bad day, any longer? You don't need to feel guilty. Now, I'm having a bad day, you're feeling better, and you should feel proud of yourself a feeling better. And I think that helps it kind of move on think. Sometimes I can prolong a Bad Day by feeling guilty and making myself work even harder the next day and not really doesn't help anyone. Okay, next question. The question box, then keeps going off because I Too much and too chatty for this running tips, EG how to get through the tough part of a run where you want to give up. All my God, this is such an interesting question because I have realized my eye. I stopped running at 5 minutes, 5 minutes. I used to not count a run. If I like, I used to be so bad about stopping and be like, you can't. Like if you stop the nuts, not a real run. Well, I think that's a lie. I sometimes I just want to stop and as soon as I realized, I could stop running whenever I wanted to stop became so much less intimidating, so much less intimidated, just stop whenever and then it's way less deep. I think I've realized it's six kilometers. That's when I get really tired and I get cramp and I have to walk a bit. Then I get tired and enthusiastic about it. I don't really want to do it, but once I passed 10K and fine, it's really weird. It's like the 6K to the 8K is, when my legs are tired. I'm tired, I'm bored. But as soon as I hit 10 km like I'm over halfway now. I can carry on running, it's fine and then I just manage it. All right. And I think the thing is when I get to the hard part of running where you want to give up, have a walk for like two minutes, a minute 30 seconds, 10 seconds and then start again. I think that's helped me. Stay motivated is kind of like when I really don't want to do it anymore, don't do it. But then also changing things up. Because like sometimes you do want to carry on going, you just feel a bit bored about it. So I kind of switch between like listening to a podcast, listening to One playlist, to listening to another playlist. Having different variations of different types of music. Like helps me like motivate myself, if I just listened to the same playlist, but two hours. Oh, I get very bored. So that's not, that's not going to happen. That would be my biggest tips. Okay. Let's go on to the secret questions. So you've got questions always so interesting because it's like what people ask when they'd think I don't like when I can't know them. You know. Okay, let's go through. Hmm, let me find a good one. Okay, do you prefer to speak or listen? I really like listening. I really like listening. I love hearing about what people want to say and just being quiet and observing things when I was a kid, my parents just have dinner parties. And, like, rather than playing, I just used to sit at the dinner party and just stop and listen, and watch, and observe and take everything in. I think I've always really enjoyed listening, and I think it's made me so much more observant, which is funny because it probably sounds like I prefer to Beak and I obviously, I like speaking because I have a podcast, I love chatting about things but I also find it really interesting just to watch people and I find that I can find that like more relaxing. Okay? Who are your best girlfriends? I don't know. You know, I have so many different brands that I think all of them plays such an important part in my life in different ways. I have my uni friends, I've my Master's friends, I don't want to name names because like an on my own anonymity. That's not what I Anonymous. I can't speak. I'm so tired. I went to the gym so early this morning and now it is 6:50. But we're here recording the podcast, but I think my tip for not tips for like who your best girlfriends is realizing that you are going to create so many. Incredible friendships throughout your life. You're never going to have made them all and a friend could literally be just around the corner. My housemates are some of the most important people in my life and I hadn't met them seven months ago. So, you know, it puts it in perspective, it really really does. Okay. A, let's see. Are you seeing anyone right now? Are you single guys? I've been in a long-term relationship for three years. Yay, I've been off the market for so long. Let's have a look. Is everything. Okay? I'm worried about you. Everything is fine. I'm probably just being dramatic. No, I'm not being dramatic. That's invalidating how I'm feeling. I am good. It's so kind of you to care. I am I am doing good, you know, it's a lot. I'm doing so many things and I'm proud of myself and managing it all, you know. I'm doing the podcast and I'm trying to grow the podcasts. I'm connecting with different things and that's exciting. It is going somewhere but I'm also doing a massively full time intensive Masters. And I'm also training for a half marathon and also working on what I want to do in my life and I'm also planning this like trip I'm going on and you know there's there's a lot of really and then social life name family and in maintaining a relationship and then like maintaining my mental health, you know, there's a lot going on, but I am doing. Okay. I am. Okay, you don't need to worry like I am. Okay. Okay, thank you for worrying. It's very kind of you. So, onto the new things that I've done this read new things, I've done this week. I've started writing again, like creatively like writing my thoughts down, writing the poems. Again, like I always used to love writing on my God. What was that? I don't know what that was. I've started writing again and I've stopped at doing that for like ages. I haven't done that for so long because I've just been writing about my thoughts, but I realized that I need to do something more creative because I'm feeling very creatively, like dry at the moment like, bit bored. So, I started writing last night and, you know, I really liked. I'm going to Ariane. I'm, I really want to write a book and I have so many thoughts about it and I know exactly what I'd be like, want the book to be and I just think it would be so cute. I think it would have all of these. I don't know if I should say this. I'm going to say it. I want to write a book where it's like all of these thoughts and things that I write like as a letter to my younger self and with it, be like a workbook of like, going through everything. I just I've so many Visions about how great it would be, and it be something that I wish I had had as a young, Child like a child. No. Like as if going through your 20s, just, I just wish I'd had it. I just wish I have it now. You know, I just wish I have something to work through and I think it would be such that any of you guys know someone who they want to write a book for like please I want to write a book. So let's let's collectively Manifest this. That's really collectively Manifest. This I've also with the Instagram tick-tocks been changed you up. I've also realized because the ADHD I'm so Stupid things. I just post things straight away. I don't think about whether or not it's going to do well or not so that needs to be something that I change. I need to grow a little bit with that. I started a new book. I went to the library on Sunday and I've got a new book. Did I agree? I think I brought it with me but I got a new book and that looks that's been good to start. I'm not gonna lie. I haven't really been reading much this week but it's just not been a reading week that happens sometimes you know, and like it's in the way I'm doing Kris, that's on the train at the moment, to rise revised on my exam and I know Super boring and not, you guys want to hear, but you know, revision. I don't know why I'm playing with the things, literally, right next to the microphone. That's going to sound shocking. Revision has to come first, Sometimes, which means a little bit tired. At the moment of the new things, I'll be doing more longer runs and actually sticking to a gym schedule because beforehand, like not going to like the first month I didn't really do. I don't know what I did and now I'm going I want to start feeling like I'm working towards something. Like I want to feel like I'm on track. So I've got a new New gym plan and I'm liking it. You know. No pressure. No. Like it's not like an intense Jim planets just to give me a bit of structure if they get quite intimidated in the gym, get quite scared. There's so many people around me who are so like big and know exactly what they're doing and like are so aware of what they're doing and there's little old me just like what to do. I don't know what to do. So I've worked out a plan of what I do. So I feel more confident in the gym and I've been enjoying that it's making me stay more attractive. Anyway I need to go because it's some Patrick's Day and I want to go to the pub and drink some - have a nice evening. I'm going to have a little, like, a break from work, which will be really lovely. But thank you for listening. If you are not already follow me on Instagram or on Tick-Tock, or if you have not yet subscribed to the podcast, it would mean so much to me if you could subscribe because we hit three thousand subscribers earlier on this week. And I'm so excited to have so many of you here with me. And it's just like no. It's just really cool to know that there's this many people of us like such a community of us tuning in together and it makes me so Happy. And that Community can be even bigger if you press subscribe. And also if you follow me on Instagram and on take top because I love actually being able for us to connect on instrumental Tick-Tock. And if you do connect with me, if you do follow me, then it means you can answer the question part. Be way more involved with the podcast, so I think you should do it, but maybe I'm biased. I hope you have a lovely week and I'll speak to you soon. I love you. Bye.