098. Becky Lynch, Harland Williams, Mark Normand | Temptations

before we start today's show you should know you can check out me and big j doing stand-up comedy on the road in a city near you i'm going to be in la jolla california uh june 26th through 28th and then right after that in july i'll be in baltimore maryland lafayette louisiana lake charles louisiana and more uh get on the waiting list for comics at mohegan sun we sold out two shows but uh if you guys can get on the waiting list try to come check us out doing story wars live there and just go to my website louisvisgangs.com to get tickets for all those shows and you go to bigjcomedy.com for all my dates greatest yapper live tour happening now coming to a city near you we have buffalo harrisburg winnipeg all on deck long island governor's comedy club check it out bigjcomedy.com fill her up you're listening to the gas digital ladies and gentlemen live from netflix is a joke comedy festival it's story wars with the story warriors big j okerson and lewis jay gomez oh what the fuck is up los angeles netflix is a joke festival make some noise in here please sold out night two here at the comedy store los angeles is back baby we thought it was dead here we were never coming back this is crazy gavin newsome gab i just saw him on bill maher once i don't know if he's anything at all what is welcome to story wars everybody uh second night netflix is a joke fest starting only 25 minutes late tonight sorry lady i know this is 12 hours past your bedtime that's that's and she was here last night i i signed her book and i just wrote simply want to smash did she write back she posted it on instagram yeah what a hoe what a slut oh my god what a raging slut we always ask this of every crowd how many people here are familiar with the game story wars and who is not familiar with the game story wars get him out of here get somebody in here that wants to be here you piece of shit shave his beard shave his beard shave his beard shave his beard get him uh it's okay if you've never seen the show or never heard the show before we'll explain it to you it's very easy once we get our esteemed panel of competitors out here for story wars now you guys ready for your panel tonight our first guest with an 0-1 record on story wars he has a new special none too pleased available right now on netflix from the human trials comedy show tuesdays with stories we might be drunk how about it for the great mark normand hey hey man sorry hey i was mid-piss there he is i was late fun fun fact mark norman quietly killer body oh yeah no more marking under the radar uh hot fucking autistic guy dude total hottie mark happy to have you back it's been a long time you're one of the early uh story war uh competitors you didn't win last time you've been preparing this time yes yeah i've been really avoiding the show it's a lot of work it's so long uh but yeah you know preparing no whatever drinking what are you talking about how do you prepare for this uh drinking yeah all right great by getting drunk and just repeating your stories to yourself in the mirror our next competitor coming to the stage from the comzilla comedy tour ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for harland williams harlan happy to have you on the show my friend oh well thank you it's an honor to be here uh twinkle eyes it's good to see you my eyes aren't popping from my spray tan don't don't mention the pop to me jay jay told me that he walked through this crowd when everyone was here and he ruined the pop of the show lewis hates when you ruin the pop don't ruin the pop he wants you guys to believe we emerged from the ground when we got here how great would that be like michael jackson we just pop up god forbid you saw me make my way through like a human being i'm sorry i am you he is us he is us he is us he is us wow you guys got ipads now oh yeah you've leveled up yeah yeah wow the game is stepping up they're tablets not ipods oh sorry oh yeah these are fake tablets yeah three three hundred and twenty nine dollar tablets mark that's what they were we got this in the last radio shack in west virginia we got this in a radio controlled car well you don't have to spend money on dave smith you know yeah you 're fucking out with the band in with the tech yeah our final contestant on the show today uh very very excited to have her here from the wwe on netflix 13-time women's champion make some noise for the man becky lynch make some noise for the man becky lynch make some noise for the man becky lynch becky happy to have you here on story becky happy to have you here on story becky happy to have you here on story wars making your story wars debut i'll wars making your story wars debut i'll wars making your story wars debut i'll tell you very beautiful very tough i tell you very beautiful very tough i tell you very beautiful very tough i wanted to wanted to wanted to i wanted to that's the first time we've i wanted to that's the first time we've i wanted to that's the first time we've ever played licensed music on the show ever played licensed music on the show ever played licensed music on the show i was gonna say i appreciate the entrance i was gonna say i appreciate the entrance i was gonna say i appreciate the entrance hell yeah yeah very cool i want becky hell yeah yeah very cool i want becky hell yeah yeah very cool i want becky over there is sitting in a pile of his over there is sitting in a pile of his over there is sitting in a pile of his own semen because you're here so own semen because you're here so own semen because you're here so great great great yeah just keep right yeah just keep right yeah just keep right um we're very excited to have you here um we're very excited to have you here um we're very excited to have you here becky thank you so much for doing the becky thank you so much for doing the becky thank you so much for doing the show show show um if you're unfamiliar with the game um if you're unfamiliar with the game um if you're unfamiliar with the game story wars or if it's your first time story wars or if it's your first time listening at home it's a very very simple listening at home it's a very very simple listening at home it's a very very simple game game game all five of us on this panel have all five of us on this panel have all five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one submitted three to five stories on one submitted three to five stories on one particular subject tonight's subject particular subject tonight's subject particular subject tonight's subject temptation temptation temptation sticky alex our lovely producer is going to alex our lovely producer is going to alex our lovely producer is going to take eight of those stories and read take eight of those stories and read take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time in random order them off one at a time in random order And if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, that's a huge opportunity. You can get four points. You don't want to squander that opportunity. Once you put your answer in the tablet and lock it in, that's it. You can't change your answer. And also, I'll say this. We have a little new rule in the beginning because you guys are so enthusiastic and you're such fucking comedy nerds. If you know it's somebody's story on the panel, don't start screaming, You told that on another podcast! Which happened last night with Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony was going to win that round. Then everybody goes, You told that on a podcast! I go, Shit, did I? And then it was Tony, Tony, Tony. So you guys, you're playing along as well. Don't chime in. And I'll tell you right now, it's so much fun. Harlan, you're going to have a ton of fun. Becky, you're going to have so much fun. But you know what, guys? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know we're playing for today. Every week here at Story Awards, we're playing for. We're playing for a book from the Story Awards Library. Tonight's winner takes home Heated Rivalry. Oh, my God. The novelization of the gay porno. It was great. Did you watch it? Heated Rivalry follows Shane and Isla, two superstar hockey players whose rivalry becomes far more complicated when they begin a secret gay relationship behind the scenes. That's like me and you. Yeah. On the ice. Enemies. Off the ice, the tension between them keeps pulling them back together. Well, sorry, guys. Sorry, Netflix. Deal with it. Oh, no, Netflix loves that, dude. Oh, yeah, this is on Netflix. Me and Lewis will fucking fuck. Yeah, dude. Netflix, if you pick up Story Awards, you think me and Lewis won't gay fuck every week? Oh, yeah, dude, you're wrong. By the way, I would have to probably go on Blackface if we need a black character on the show, but I'm down. I'm very willing. That is true. I could take my eyes back and be a Chinese guy, make sure everyone gets nailed. No, I want to be a diverse show All right, I Think everybody's gonna get it gets it probably I guess the question is is this crowd ready for war? Ladies and gentlemen Netflix is a joke Los Angeles, California. Are you ready for war? Alex without any further ado, would you please story number one? Story number one I Lived with my cousins and they had a freezer in the basement full of cookie dough I snuck down every night when they were asleep and ate the entire freezer full over the course of four months This seems like a you like a whimsical Harlan Williams story to me The problem is Harlan stories are all gonna involve a huckleberry and a pterodactyl Definitely cookie day This is yes, this is a weird story, but Jay I gotta be honest with you when you were a kid You were a fat kid. No shit Fucking hide your cookie dough you would and I would have eaten it frozen. I don't give a shit Here's the thing. I didn't have any cousins that had basements So they couldn't have basements full of cookie dough as I've known you for 20 years I don't think you've ever lived with your cousins. No, I never have we allowed to lie That's the entire point of the show Okay, I don't know we could lie so he might have a cousin with a basement. Yeah, of course Either way, he's I don't get the cookie dough. Yeah, I grew up in Philadelphia. No one really had basements Yeah an apartment I grew up. I lived in apartments till I was 17. I'm trying to read you the same color as your sweater Harland how do you feel about cookie dough? Ah This is a toughie I Know I used to work at an ad agency and I was one of the guys who came up I don't know if you're familiar with the Pillsbury dough boy. I am. Oh, yeah I was one of the guys on team Pillsbury that came up with that little character and so Did you do the whoo-hoo? No, I just came up with the design. I designed the yeasty little whore and And so, you know whenever you start talking about baked goods or a cookie dough or anything pastry oriented bear claws Apple turnovers, by the way my dad the other day He wears a diaper and he farted so hard his his asshole looked like an apple fritter. Have you ever seen one? Speaking of baked goods Well that almost solidified it's Harland for me Becky you're an athlete. I couldn't imagine Becky sneaking down eating cookie dough. Were you a fat kid possibly? No, I wasn't a fat kid, but also Cookie dough isn't a thing in Ireland. It's not a thing No, it's all beer. It's like this But it is eaten raw eggs You can't get you sick. No, no They they actually people are so fat in America that now they have labels on certain brands that say yes, you could eat this raw Stop killing yourself with the other ones here. We made it edible raw, but since you can't wait 15 fucking minutes For it to cook we've already made it circles for you. We pretty sure them in half. It's like 11 minutes to cook cookies It's 11 fucking minutes 12 if you want them crispy But you can't wait you have to shovel roll dough in your face and this one's fine. Yeah a little a you know you eat ass cuz that's In the basement, that's that's what it tastes like. Well, no that can make you sick, Norman. That's your finisher No, I'm gluten intolerant Okay, mark mark. Did you ever live with your cousins when you were a kid? Did I live with my cousins now? No, well, why'd you repeat the question? Oh Sorry, I think mark had a solid family unit. Yeah. Yeah good unit. Yeah, I Did tell me his mom and stepdad, but I was Mom and stepdad always. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm getting my mom. I'm getting mark Norman vibes on this one right now. Yeah. Yeah mark Norman How do you feel about cookie dough mark? I love cookie dough loves cookie dough. We can't even deny it. That's how much he loves it Who doesn't love cookie dough? Becky fucking lynch ass. I like I eat ass Now you put cookie dough in an ass and that's a meal That's also a flavor of Baskin Robbins It's also it's also the plot of chapter three of this book Is that broke back rollerblade I Would eat cookie dough out of any air even a dude's ass because that proves I'm really there for the dough. It's true Good point. I'll deal with the guy's asshole All right, I'm gonna get the voting going. I'm putting my answer in mark Norman. He's acting a little weird. That's it this All right. This has Harlan Williams all over it to me. I'm going Harlan Williams This is a whimsical. Yeah, silly childhood. I'm going Harlan as well Yeah, once you like you gotta lock it in by sliding it over very lots of technology well done Uh-oh boomer choose and you Lock it in swipe it Harlan Gabby. I agree dude. I don't know how you work this focaccia thing either Harlan's phone light is on as well No, it's not this thing it's I just never learned to read When you guys are done put it right in that slot right there Becky votes for Big J Oh, that is fat shaming if I've ever seen it I think that's I think I am most likely to see out cookie dough on this thing By the way all night. I've been in LA in a while So all night everyone's been telling me how thin I look since I've been here last but Becky Lynch just met me tonight So I'm still just fat Fat to Becky she was like big J your goddamn right he's younger, you know, you were living with you I imagine you don't live with your cousins anymore. No, I got together They kicked him out for being too fat Becky. Yeah, it was a small place Now that I think of it. What don't you eat? Alex all of our answers are in whose story story number one story number one belongs to Becky Lynch Holy shit Two things just happened We thought it was a fat story, but she was carb loading Wow Two things just happened number one. We found out that Becky Lynch is a fucking liar A good one and number two. We just saw Becky Lynch genuinely get excited Because she won round that was genuine excitement. Did winning feel so good feels great. That was amazing She loved winning. They don't have cookie dough in Ireland. She said that and then she said you can't eat cookie dough. She's got eggs Better so there is cookie dough in Ireland. No You had it flow. I moved over to Vancouver. I lived with my cousins They had a basement it was a beautiful view. It was very nice and you had never tasted anything as delectable as Unbelievable it changed my life. I couldn't believe it. Did they have a cookie cup? Why do they have a basement full of cookie dough? I they just had this giant extra freezer full of cookie dough Fucking rich whites. Am I right? Freezer just for their cookie dough. I wish Man that wasn't my that was on a piece of paper in my hope chest as a child Alex were points that after one round that was impressive. All right in first place with four points Becky Lynch Wow, the only one on the board Becky Lynch Alex story number two Story number two While hanging out at a mutual friend's house I tempted my roommate to steal a brand new expensive deodorant from the bathroom Our friend noticed it was gone and interrogated us for an hour before my roommate finally fessed up After that, we all stopped being friends. I Don't know why every story does I feel it's gonna right away. I'm gonna think it's Harlan. Yes It seems it's a it's a lot of words so that Jay doesn't write so he's out and No, I just say stories. I'm just like I got tempted once or whatever But it says that they stole so it could be my story Yeah, for sure. You do come from a lineage of stealing. Yeah, but Lewis doesn't wear deodorant. That's also true He's all natural Our friend noticed it was gone and an expensive deodorant and then to start pointing accusations Yeah It feels like a lady, but you're a second wild card It could be a second Becky story. That happens all the time. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Totally random. It's eight stories. But you were some fat cookie dough whore. She was a real cookie dough whore. Real fat cookie dough whore with stinky armpits. I'm a cookie dough whore, but I'm no thief. She really turned it around. She was a fat, smelly kid eating cookie dough. In Vancouver, of all places. Yeah. Fancy deodorant, though. That's another thing. Yeah. Yeah, Jay, you like fancy things. That's true. She's got a Louis Vuitton bag. Spray tan. Some fancy shoes. Those glasses are expensive as hell. They are. But I'll tell you this. I don't even know what expensive deodorant means. I've always just lived a life of degree, the spray that promises no yellow on your white shirts. You really connected with this Mexican lady in the front row. She was like, degree. Yeah. Yeah. What's an expensive deodorant? I don't know what that means. It's like, you ever heard of Spam? I have. Yeah, that stuff's cheap. Yeah. And if you rub it under your arms, you smell like canned meat. That's true. That is one approach. You like the smell of canned meat, guy? Not really. I was going to ask you to Arby's later. That's not canned. Neither is my wife. I'm not even married. I think Harlan's having an episode. I'll tell you. Maybe it's the fact that no one else smokes weed up here and I'm completely stoned by myself. But I've got to say it out loud. I like Arby's. There we go. It's a solid roast beef sandwich. I don't care if it shows up in a bag full of water. Everyone keeps telling me that. It's in a bag full of water. I go, I don't care. Slap that horsey sauce on it. I'll eat anything, dude. Put it on your wiener and I'll suck it. Did you ever have roommates, Becky? Yep. You did? Yep. Okay. Of course, dude. When she was at the power factory learning how to wrestle. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if it's the real name of a place, but it sounds like the name of a place, doesn't it? It probably is. I don't know about an expensive deodorant. I don't believe you anymore. Ireland doesn't have deodorant. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, right. We have a very small selection, I will say. There's like three. All right, I'm going, Becky. There's three. Yeah? I don't know. Well, no. Maybe Lewis. What the fuck? Oh. Bad poker face. I don't know what the fuck expensive deodorant means. Old Spice? Probably Old Spice. And I feel like Jay is acting right now. Yeah. Call me a fucking shithead. I'm going to vote Harland again. Every story. This makes no sense to me. This is a tough one. What is expensive deodorant? It's all about 10 bucks. Also, you're out of touch. Deodorant is definitely cheaper than 10 bucks. 10 bucks, yeah. 10 bucks is crazy. That is particularly expensive deodorant. Oh, well, then I guess I buy expensive deodorant. There's gold flake. It's the gold schlager of deodorant. Another factor. This is true. And I've known Jay a very, very long time. Because Jay used to be a lot heftier. He was always very self-conscious about his smell. Still. So, there's, I mean, there's an old episode of Legion of Stinks. Smell that. Joe Malone cologne. Did you rhyme that on purpose? Mmm, delicious. This is why we are heated rivalries. Yeah. This is why every week on Netflix, right after Story Wars, you're going to see me aggressively butt-fucking Louis. While. It will be simulated. But we're good actors. Yeah. While we're good actors. I'm wearing hockey gear. Let's make the faces. It's like I'm getting raped by Jason Voorhees. Let's make the faces right now that will make it the thing. I'm going to be giving it to you. You're taking it. This is me. Well, I wouldn't be taking it. This is me. No, no, no. I'm taking it. I'd be like, "Ew, get out of my butt. You know you like being bottom." Then I'd turn you over and then I'd be. And then I'm going to do this. I'm going to go. Boy, you guys got to LA and changed. Yeah. It's true. Dude, something about this spray tan wants me to be in a gown. I'm going to be wearing a pair of jeans. Something about this spray tan wants me to be in a guy. This is Harland. But here's the thing. Jay votes Harland. I think he's getting his voting early because I- Oh. $329. What? Don't you dare. Good save. $145. $329. Big Jay's getting the voting going early. Big Jay was very self-conscious about being a fat guy and smelling bad, so very early in his life, he knew that he always wanted to smell very nice, and I think that this is a Big Jay story. I don't steal. This might be Louis because. I think it's Louis. Let me tell you why it might be Louis. I don't even know what the fucking. I stand by. I don't know what expensive deodorant is. But you're allowed to lie. Of course. But what's more expensive deodorant? There's only one place to get deodorant. You're getting pretty worked up here. If you bought. I already voted. Vote for me. Let's say you bought some deodorant for $300, okay? Can you envision that? I can't even picture it. Well, that's expensive deodorant. That would be. It would be obnoxiously expensive deodorant. That's what I just said, guy. Why you got to steal my stuff, bro? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucking up. It's late. We started late. It is late. So what do you think it are? Oh, I think definitely this has Louis written all over it. Oh. Racism. Louis, for sure. Becky says Harlan. Becky, why are you thinking it's Harlan? The spam. It felt like a decoy, you know? He was asked about it and then starts talking about spam. That's a very good point. And I was watching him. He was looking shifty beside me when that was being read. Yo, Becky Lynch is cutting a fucking promo on Harlan Williams right now. And on May 13th, you're going to find out how fucking serious she is. It wasn't my intention. It was, yeah, looking real shifty. You like that? Get her back. Let me tell you something, brother. What? What? Do another wrestling promo. What? What do I do? Ah, you're old. Wait. What? Harlan, if you beat her, you're the women's champ. I'm saying Louis. Mark Norman's saying me. What'd you vote for, Jay? I said Harlan. Harlan. All right, Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number two belongs to Louis J. Oh! Oh! Oh, you were quiet on that one. I said Louis. And it was expensive deodorant. It was Old Spice, but Old Spice came out with, like, this other line of, like, deodorants that was particularly nice, right? And me and my buddy Forrest, we were roommates. You remember Forrest? Yes. There's no such. It was expensive. It was expensive deodorant. It was like $9 a jar versus $3 for a degree, Jay. I buy a degree for $10. You don't. You have no idea how much deodorant prices are these days. Oh, we'll tell that to Uber Eats. CVS. By the way, Jay, a degree is women's deodorant, my guy? No, no, no. It's strong enough for a man, though. Okay, well. pH balance for a woman. I can't call you out because I use Summer's Eve. Hell yeah. Yeah. Absolutely, dude. So, yeah, we were at my buddy's house who lived near us in Brooklyn, and there were these two musicians that we used to, like, hang with all the time, and they just went shopping. And they had this bag of, like. The deodorant, all this stuff. We were just broke, like, 19-year-olds. So they go and they put it in the bathroom. And I'm like, Forrest, you just steal that deodorant. We'll be. We'll have, like, a month of really nice deodorant. And he did. He went and stole it, and then he hid it in his jacket, and then they're like, where's our fucking deodorant? What is going on? Are you guys stealing from us? We're like, no, that's crazy. And then they interrogated us for an hour. While they weren't looking, Forrest threw it into the yard. It was just there, and he had to tell them, he's like, yeah, the deodorant's in the yard. They made him go get the deodorant in the dark, bring it back, and we never spoke to them again. Whoa. Did it land in the garden? That's a crazy fucking. Anybody stole deodorant ever is fucking crazy. Yeah. Snag that guy's deodorant. Take his PlayStation before that. Deodorant, toothpaste, fucking little flossers, and there's no bathroom products that are safe around me and my friends. Did you say he threw the deodorant into the yard? He threw it into the yard. I guess somebody's. I'm going to have an Irish Spring. I like that. Story infuriates me. Irish Spring, I just said it again, just to make sure. Irish Spring, I said it a third time. Fuck off. Irish Spring, four. We've said it four times. Irish Spring, five. You're so salty about that Pillsbury guy. Who wants a six? Irish Spring, I didn't even wait to hear. Yeah. Irish Spring. Irish Spring. Irish Spring, seven. Nice and loud. Paced it up. You better stand up. He has no legs. He cut it off after seven. He was like, enough for you. Alex, where are our points at? In last place, with zero points, Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, straight tan. Let me tell you something. You got that one. The Any Given Sunday speech I'm giving myself in my head for the second half of this game is going to turn into a big one. Turn everything around. So, doubt me if you want. Good, Alex. Tied for second place with two points each. Louis J. Gomez, Mark Normand, and Harlan Williams. Hey! And in first place with four points, Becky Lynch. Becky, the Irish spring! Ari Shafir taped a note to the back of my, uh, to the back of my tablet that said, I know you have sex with men. Ah! By the way, dash Ari. Dash Ari. Thank you, Ari. He kind of nailed the theme. He did. You were tempted, dude. What are we going to do? What's up, Story Warriors? 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They have Alpha GPC in them, which is great. It's a very powerful Nootropic. Look up what Alpha GPC can do for you, but with my ADHD, I'm telling you right now, I don't take any medications, nothing. I just take Nootropics, and Alpha GPC is one of the best ones out there. Plus, it's got B12, which I was already taking anyway, why pop a bunch of pills? Pop a pouch today, and you can see what the buzz is all about. Really, really great. Plus, they have brand new sleep pouches as well, which I can't wait to try. They're built for clean, natural rest. Right now, Ultra is going to give you the ultimate guilt-free pouch with instant focus and mental clarity without the nicotine or caffeine, and they're going to do it for a discount, because you listen to this show. Go to TakeUltra.com, T-A-K-E-U-L-T-R-A dot com, and use the promo code WARS with a Z to get 15% off. Once again, that's TakeUltra.com. TakeUltra.com, promo code WARS with a Z to get 15% off. Alex, story number three. Story number three. I've been tempted to grab the microphone on a full airplane and warn any would-be terrorists from trying any terrorist activity. It's Harlan Williams, man! Come on! That's gotta be Harlan. Come on! That's good. That's funny. That's so funny. We could have used you on 9-11. I've never thought to do this. I was busy working at 7-11. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Excuse me. If you could laugh when the others do, ma'am. I mean, come on! I'm getting Harlan Williams vibes as well, but I will say that, you know, post-9-11, this was a thought, I think, that everyone had. Like, it was like, if I was on that airplane. Becky Lynch! You think Becky Lynch sits on planes and thinks about calling out terrorist activity? Maybe. No! I used to be a flight attendant. Whoa! You were a flight attendant? Yeah. Southwest? No. Aer Lingus. What was it? Aer Lingus. Aer Lingus. Yeah. Yeah, they know. Cunnilingus. Nice. Yep. Nope. Not the same thing. Mile High Club? You ever stop anybody who was trying to get in the Mile High Club? Did you ever have to stop somebody from having sex on a plane? No. You just let them do it? Oh, you animal! It seemed like they were having a good time. Yeah, no, it seemed like they were having a good time. Yes. Yeah. I mean, that is a variable. You being a flight attendant is pretty crazy, right? Did you ever suspect anybody of being a terrorist while in the air? No. We did find out Becky's a great liar, though. Yeah. Do you worry that it would be hard to perform a vertical suplex with a terrorist? No, but I have always thought like a German suplex would be a good way. You know, everybody starts getting like a little crispy. He goes, thank God Becky Lynch was there to take them out with a camel clutch. Yeah. Mark, I don't know you very well, but this seems like something you would do. You're not wrong. Shit! Everyone's tempted to do this, though. No! Get on a mic on the plane? And start warning people about would-be terrorists? Ah! Can I tell you something? I dare you. I dare you to try to terrorize this plane. This is very Ari Shafir chaotic, and I believe you also lack the same self-governing system that makes you even think about this. This is not what I think about at all. Really? No, I wouldn't bat this around even for a second. Yeah, but you like to chat on a microphone. No, but I'm socially shy as shit. Ah. On stage, with a microphone, I get it, but now, this would never be my. That was the weirdest. You're not shy, socially. What are you, nuts? You think I want to grab a microphone on a plane? No, but you're not shy socially. That is shy socially. No, that is crazy. You don't have to not be shy. That's why it's Harlan!. to grab a microphone. Look, obviously it's Harlan. We're just vamping. What are we, an old married couple? We're gonna get to Harlan in a moment. I'm just saying, I wouldn't call you shy. I would say you're particularly outgoing. What? Yeah. We're not strangers? Yes. No. Have you ever met Jay after a show? He's fucking yapping, talking, taking your weed. This lady, I said she's old and should be in bed 12 hours ago. If I saw her outside, I'd be like, thank you so much for coming. And both of those are the real me. Yeah, that is true. But hugging an old woman is not being shy. You're getting defensive, Lewis. What are you hiding? Are you getting on a mic on a spirit flight? Is that why they shut down? I mean, look, I have been tempted. I do think all the videos of when a Walmart employee quits and they're like, yo, fuck this job, fuck the manager. I watch those videos and I jerk off. They're my favorite videos. That's true. So I get it and I like it. We share a lot of hotel rooms. If somebody did it, I would be very impressed, but this was not me. Harlan Williams being very nervously quiet. Well, I don't even know. This seems Marker to Harlan. Is there even a microphone on an airplane? Yeah, see, they get the phone. It's a phone. It's not a microphone. Like, this is a microphone. Oh, look at you pretending you don't know. Oh, I just turned into Nancy Drew and I'm on my period. Wait a minute. You're menopausal. Nice play, Shakespeare. But wait a minute, you're a fighter. Fighter. You probably want to fight a terrorist and you're on a flight attendant plane. Oh, yeah. So I don't need to warn them. She's like a fight attendant. Yeah, there we go. Because she's in a lot of fights. I'm going to get the voting going here. I do think it's Harlan. It sounds like Harlan. It's kind of weird and out there. Here it is. Harlan Williams. I don't know. It's Mark or Harland. I wouldn't rule out Lynchie over here. What? No way. Maybe. She is. What am I going to say? She was on a plane every day for work. Also, that'd be really hilarious in an Irish accent. Oh, I dare you to try a terrorist. Don't look in section 2F. That guy's got shifty eyes. He does. Rat-a-tat-a-tee, rat-a-too. Oh, I'll knock you out of this plane like a shillelagh. Yeah, I could have said that. I'll tell you what. Now that I've said it, I feel like it could be Becky Lynch. Right? If you read all of these with an Irish accent, it does sound like Becky Lynch. It's Mark or Harlan. Fuck. Yeah, it's toughy. Could be you, though, Orange. No way. I mean, Jay, you are dressed like the guy who works at an airport trying to get the planes to land. It takes rhythm. them that I got. Harlan, you have Mark locked in. Yeah, I put Mark after that phone microphone thing. Nice try, buddy. All right, all right. I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot. Come on, man. All right, I'm going Harlan just to pay back. Corn on the cob. There we go. Mark Norman votes for Harlan Williams. Becky Lynch thinking very hard right now. Oh. Mark Norman. Who'd you vote for? I voted for Harlan. Ah, fuck me. I'm going Mark. Here it is. What do you got, Big Al? Big Al. Big Al. Story number three belongs to Harlan Williams. Hell yeah. I'm just bad at the game. I knew it. Jay, you need to trust your first instinct, Jay. Every time you say it, you just. You change it. It's the only time I didn't vote for Harlan. That's true. So, Harlan, does this every time you're on a flight? No, this was right after 7-Eleven happened. Nice. You know, I played hockey my whole life, and I was so. Everyone was so scared to get on a plane. And I'm like 225, and I was just going to grab the mic and go, if anyone on this plane tries fucking anything, I'm not afraid to die. I'm a hockey-playing Canadian boy, straight. I was going to say. I mean, what I'm aware of hockey is not who I would want defending me against terrorists. Yeah, but I was like, if anyone tries anything, I'm going to fly onto you, and I will beat the shit out of you until I'm dead. And the thing I had to go, and if there's any men on this plane, I want you to join me. Because I was like, everyone was scared there was going to be a terrorist. And I was like, I don't care. Because when you saw 9-11, there's so many people that didn't do anything because they were scared. They couldn't believe it. But now it's like, I knew what was happening. But hold on, how hard would it be to pull their robes over their head to hockey fight them, you know? Yeah. It's going to be difficult. Yeah, yeah. They have very blousey clothing. I almost grabbed the damn telephone and said it. I was so infuriated with all that stuff. Do you think you would make an actual move? You saw somebody shit? Oh, I would have. I was, oh, dude, I was, I almost wanted them to. I was jacked. I just wanted a hammer. Kind of like you're a self-appointed air marshal. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Self-appointed fucking Tanya Tucker, if she's still around. Alex, put her right there somewhere. Where are our points at after three stories? All right. In last place with zero points. Man, I was having a lot of fun. Big Jay Oakerson. Yeah. Yeah. And tied for first place with four points each, Louis J. Gomez, Mark Norman, Harland Williams, and Becky Lynch. Everyone. Everyone's playing but me? I got a guy who outside, I gave him a miracle ticket. He goes, oh, I want to come see the show. I go, I got you, dude. And I got him in and he goes, man, I'll be rooting for you. This is going to be one of them nights. Singer over there, his name is Chris Cage. And he said, tonight's the night you're going to win it, dude. I'm not. He has to go back to war. I think he's a soldier or something. If you were a Make-A-Wish kid, you would die tonight. Tonight's the night, dude. That would be it, dude. Jay's performance is not going to keep you alive, sir. Just so you know. What the fuck, dude? I'm wide awake. I slept good. You got this, dude. Oh, shit. Well, I don't know. I don't even want to read this fucking gay-ass book. But somebody, one of the four of you has taken home the book that mixes sports romance with years of hidden feelings, emotional confusion, and hookups that are desperate to keep private. Shane is controlled and careful, while Isla is cocky, reckless, and constantly pushing boundaries, making their chemistry, impossible to ignore. And just so you know, this is a used book, so some of the pages are stuck together. By the way, if you don't get on Netflix, me and Louis will Patreon gay sex with each other. Everyone check out Heated Rivalry on Patreon. Dude, a hockey-themed OnlyFans where we just bang each other in hockey gear? Do you mean you just wrestle until whoever gets on the other one's back gets to fuck the other one? Yeah. You want to get out of here? Yeah. Let's just go. Yeah. Let me find my waitress. What's going on with you? Just the gay and whore moves. Alex, story number four. Story number four. I was almost tempted into committing a major crime for $5,000. I would have gone through with it, but the person tempting me called it off. This feels like Louis. We all immediately think Louis. Feels like Louis. But it could be Mark. $5,000 to this day is life-changing money for me. So if anybody wants it, I'll murder your mother. Whatever. I'll fucking kidnap a dog. Whatever you guys want. Five grand is my number. Mark did grow up in seedy-ass New Orleans where, I mean, we just did Skankfest. And I think 17 people at the festival were robbed and fucking stripped naked by some lunatic in the streets. So it's a seedy place. And Mark could be lured into something. He seems susceptible. You were a nice kid, but you were like a skateboarder. Were you a good student? No. Did you hang out with some seedy people? Oh, yeah. Blacks. But with gold teeth? With gold teeth and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like real blacks. Like Master P. Yeah, Lil Wayne. Yeah. Juvenile. Yeah, Mark, make him say, uh. Na-na-na-na. Yeah. Yeah. No limit. No limit. See, $5,000. How much is that in Irish money? Is that like. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. What are dollars over there? Uh, ooh, now? Yeah, what do you guys use? Clovers? Yeah. She was going to find the money at the end of a rainbow. Yeah. I assume you get paid every week in tiny pots of gold. Yeah. Oh, you must know Brad Williams. Sorry. I don't. This is. This doesn't. This is. Lewis, how isn't this you? You almost committed so many crimes and committed so many also. Yeah, I used to be. I was on a path to becoming a career criminal. Career. And now. And now I just steal from every audience that comes to see me live. Yeah. Dumbasses. At the end of the show, he goes. $32.50, idiot. I'm Lewis J. Gomez and you've been suckers. $5,000 is a tall order after deodorant. Yeah. Well, $5,000 is a lot of money depending on what time of your life it is. True. Like, when you were like a teenager, $5,000, that's a wild amount of money. Yeah. Wait, where did you grow up, J? Philly. That's J. Interesting. That's J. Yeah, that's J. Can I tell you, J, and this is the truth, is a pussy. So he would never. He's a shy little pussy. He would never do a. I'm socially shy. A major crime is not in J's thing at all. A major crime? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I could. I also could be talked into something, I guess. But, like, Lewis is right in the regard. I mean, what he calls a pussy is, like, what I would call, like, not a lunatic. I probably wouldn't jump in on a fucking heist for $5,000. This is like he's gonna steal an ATM machine or something. Yeah, yeah. I've been a part of crimes by accident. I was a getaway driver for a few things where I just thought my friend wanted to leave quick. He pulled down a ski mask. Dude, I gotta leave in five minutes. Hang out here. I have my buddy right now with, like, two cases of beer and throw them in my fucking trunk. And then he goes, all right, man, drive. And I go, hey, tonight, we should watch a movie. And he goes, drive, man, drive. And somebody shoots out your back window. Mark, I'm getting Mark Norman vibes here. Yeah. Mark, did you do criminal activity when you were younger? Oh, yeah. Really? What's the biggest crime you ever committed? Oh, well, I guess you ever heard of Bernie Madoff? No. Ah, probably DUI. DUI? Yeah, hit a lady. Nice. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Driving onto Irene. We'll edit it in post. Yeah. We gotta get the voting going here. Harlan's being quiet. No, I just, I mean, it says a major crime. $5,000, that's nothing. That's like driving a bulldozer through Ross Dress for Less. It's also only 100 loonies. Yeah, that's Canadian. Again, it's so on the nose that it's Louis because he's almost committed so many crimes. But I'm between Louis and Mark. I don't know. Don't forget old Beck over here. No. I'm an angel. Come on. I don't know. You're a cookie dough thief. I feel like she was always an athlete, always probably a pretty good kid. My guess. Becky, what was the biggest crime you've ever committed? Stealing the cookie dough? I don't know. That's it. I don't know. The Irish, you ever seen Boondock Saints? They're shifty. Very by the book. Conor McGregor. These are my wife's DMs. Nice. Oh, me too. I bet. It is her hall pass. Decent hog on that, Mick. Yeah, right? Yeah. I had a curve on the end. I know. I wanted to be shittier. Is he really in your wife's DMs? No. You kind of said it in a very real way. All right. We got to get the voting going, guys. We got to vote here. Fucking, I suck shit at this game. It's Mark, I think. I think I agree with you. I'm going to also vote for Mark Normand. Because it's you, you fuck. Jay. Jay did have my name pressed and then he changed it. Why are you pointing that out? So it would be hilarious if it is me. I vote Mark. I want it to be me because, yeah, it's Mark, without a doubt. I'm going Big Lou. Yeah. Oh, come on, you guys. Peer pressure. Mark got no votes this round. Probably Jay, though. I think Jay maybe. Mark, you fool. I think Jay maybe too is the other option. What did you put, Mark? I put Big Puerto Rican. Oh. Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to. Lewis. Jay. Oh! Obviously, it's me. I have this story about five times in my life, to be honest with you. Times that I committed the crime, times that I didn't commit the crime. Jay, you had me locked in the fucking pad. Jay, you've got to stop second guessing. Trust your instincts. Come on, Orange Theory. I'm socially shy. I'm freaking out. Oh, fuck. All right, so this is when I was 19 years old. I was working at a pizzeria in Rockland County, New York. Pizzeria owner was like, yeah, we need to burn this place down. And he offered me and my friend, James, $5,000 each if we would burn the pizzeria down. And we, I mean, dude, we, the whole plan was, now you're going to remember the story because you'll remember this part. Great. I got a bunch of. I went to the supermarket. We sold lighter fluid and the whole plan was to douse the electrical box like the, with the switches with lighter fluid and then light that. And in our dumb teenage minds, the fire would travel through all the wires and burn the place down. That was our plan. Backdraft. And then the backdraft will probably explode the whole place up. Once the backdraft hits. We were, I'm talking about it's the night we were going to do it. We were ready to fucking go. And yeah, we. I mean, to the, to the point where we had a, an alibi, I worked at a bar as a bouncer and I was like, we, I went to work and I showed up on camera and I acted a real big and then we were going to go out the back door and sneak and then drive 20 minutes at the pizzeria, drive back to be back. I did. The whole thing was planned, ready to go. We were on the way there and then the pizzeria owner called us and called it off, but I was going to ruin my fucking life. I was never getting away with it. He was going to rat us out completely. And yeah, that was that. Almost ruined my life. Very close. Alex, where are our points? Where are our points at? Thank you. And you can, you can get the entire story in the book, Knives and Spoons. Thanks for reading it, dickhead. You know, Jay didn't read my book. Oh, you don't read any books. Wow. Jesus Christ. The lovely Serafina. The hottest child in the game, Serafina. Countdown to 18. Like the Olsen twins. We have, we have a website that counts down Serafina. Serafina. Starting 18. All right. Oh, man. Come on. I don't care. I got a lot of shit going on at this festival. Has the episode come out yet where you got zero points? Because Jay's the only person in the history of Story Wars to end an episode with zero points. Wow. Pioneer. Suck dick. Tied for third place with four points each, Harland Williams and Becky Lynch. Hell yeah. In second place with six points, Mark Norman. And in first place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez. Game's rigged. He threatens the staff. Do you think, do you think Arsenio Hall's in the back going, what the fuck is going on in there? Why won't he do the show so we can do it in front of him? Yeah, we wanted to do it. And act like we don't know that it's his thing. But you did it on your show, you had a television show? Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jeff Ross in the back of the room saying what's up. It looks like he's here to challenge Becky Lynch for the title. The Undertaker music music star. Jeff Ross. Jeff. Do Story Wars on Friday. Yeah. Jeff, we're going to get the second half going. Why don't you join Alex at the booth, read the next, read the fifth story for us. Will you do that for us? Come over here. Jeff loves being on mic. So it is the second half. Before we get into the second half, let's do some plugs real quick. Becky, is there anything that you'd like to plug? Oh, yeah. I've got a new coffee brand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Armo. Armo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Delicious, delicious. Very good coffee. Very good coffee. Oh, it's going to be a song knocker. The reason they're booing you, which is really rude, is because I have a coffee brand as well. Oh. You think you can come on to my show and talk about your coffee, brother? Yes, I do. There's only one way to handle this. In a squared circle. Thank you very much. What is your coffee brand? Armo. What is it called? Armo. Call me a homo? Armo. Armo. Armo. Love Ammo. This homo loves coffee. Ammo. Do you have a cookie dough flavor? Yes, I've got a shortbread. No, not really. Not really. Not really. A shortbread cookie. But, you know, before it became a shortbread cookie, it was cookie dough, you know. Shut the fuck. Wow. Harlan Williams, what are you plugging, my friend? Folks, I'm going to invite you to stream my brand new movie, Wingman, on May 26th. Whoa! Please go out and support it. We did it all ourselves. And I wrote, I directed, and I star in the movie with Jamie Kennedy, Russell Peters, Taylor Wallace, and it's a unwoke comedy, back to the good old days of comedy, and I think you'll love it. It's about a crazy wingman that helps losers get laid. So, May 26th, Apple Prime, all over the place. Awesome. So, thank you. Sounds awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Mark Norman. Hey! Special on Netflix. None too pleased. Please check it out. And, hey, thank you. Still out there. What else? Two other stories. We might be drunk and some bodega cat, and, yeah, that's it. Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. I never stop going, so look for a city near you. And, of course, listen to The Bonfire with me and the great Robert Kelly on Faction Talk Series XM 103. And, of course. The flagship show right here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Motherfucking Skanks. Come see me on the road to rattle me this tour. Come to a city near you. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com. Grab my book, Knives and Spoons, available on Amazon and everywhere else. I can barely read. I don't know how I got this thing done. And, yeah, make sure if you guys love the show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. It comes out every Monday night before it goes anywhere else. Salacious. You go to gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WAR. Save a couple bucks a month. There's an on-demand library that is thousands of episodes deep for all of the shows we have and probably, like, maybe 60 or 70 episodes of this show that are no longer available anywhere else. So, go check out the entire history of Story Wars right on the Gas Digital Network. Gasdigital.com. Second half of the show. Big J, let them know what's up. Yeah. Jeff Ross is going to be reading our fifth story, but as Mark, as a person who's been on the show before, you know I'm not out of this game. this game is still in hand for me. It's possible because as we all know for the second half of this show we go double points. It's very simple gang. Before if you fooled somebody you got one point per person. If you guessed the person right you got two points. That now jumps forward to double points. This fucking chola made bootleg double points. How does that work with the points? If you fooled somebody before you got one point. If you guessed the correct person you got two points. Now that jumps up to double points. I can't believe you got these people out at 120 on a fucking Wednesday. They love it. They wouldn't have it any other way. I mean they did tell us they were like dude midnight show, best show of the festival excuse me the hub of the festival. I got out last night trying to like look for hot chicks. There was three homeless people on the deck. Everyone went straight home. The front gate was pulled down. Wow. Go to the Netflix party across the street. Where? Right in that hotel. Nobody told us. I didn't even know about that. Wait tell us afterwards because they're all going to show up. These people are dangerous. Tell us where it is later Jeff. They will be outside making a thing. Jeff if you would please. The great Jeff Ross was a story. Story Wars. Five. Hi Harlan. This is so cool. I was literally going to the bathroom and heard familiar voices and I was like holy shit are we in New York right now? Story Wars is happening in the main room. Number five. Number five. I broke up with a partner because they couldn't resist eating all of my very expensive very rare peanut butter. Very expensive peanut butter. Now you should have a problem with expensive peanut butter. I do. And it's Harlan's. What is rare peanut butter? I don't know. This goes down the cookie dough trail. That's true. Oh maybe are peanuts rare in Ireland maybe? Yes. Fuck. Do you guys have peanut butter in Ireland? No we only have potatoes. She's such a good liar. I was having potatoes and jelly on my sandwich. You make fun of it but it's delicious. I bet it would be. That actually sounds delicious. It sounds amazing right? Rare peanut butter? An expensive rare peanut butter. Who breaks up with a partner over peanut butter? Well the answer's right there in front of your eyes. If it was any of us guys we would have said I broke up with a chick. But with a partner? That's this one right here. Well. Can I say? I will say that Alex does change the language so if they wrote boyfriend or girlfriend she would put partner so it wouldn't be that obvious. Yeah but imagine if you were getting great sex from a lady and you're like ah but the peanut butter though. Right. A fucking weirdo. That feels like a lady move. It does. Yeah. What? No. No regular person does this. A lady. It's a strong argument Mark. I don't have a fucking big thing against it. Thank you Tangerine. Yeah but Harlan is a movie star for a few decades over at this point. He has the pick of the litter when it comes to the ladies. He also has the ability to find very rare peanut butter. Who has access to rare peanut butter? Movie stars. That's true. I mean come on. You're sort of being over dramatic. He's being over dramatic. It's you. It's you guy. I haven't seen Meryl Streep act this good. Like you are the great pumpkin right now. Like come on. Come on guy. Spray tan day wasn't the right day for an orange sweatshirt. You're like a traffic cone that got squished by a steamroller. You're like melanoma with a goatee over there. It's Harlan. Just kill me. It's Harlan. I can also see this being Jay because a lot of the women that you date you have to put peanut butter on their gums to make them talk. I do. I do so it's above board. Yeah. This is tough. He dates horses, folks. I think it's you, Jay. That acting like. I don't know what expensive peanut butter is. Oh, yeah. You're still doing it. You're still acting. Yeah, he's still streeping out. I'm with you. Why does everyone think I want peanut butter? Look at you. Because I'm the larger gentleman? Sure. Sure. I don't know. I might be with you. Old Cheeto dust here is really throwing me here. Old Asian orange over there. Yeah. I was going to go by that. I was going to go by Flamin' Hot Jay. We believe the flaming part after tonight's ep. Temptation. You are getting dunked on right now. I thought we're all friends having fun. I said dunked on because you look like a basketball. This would be a very cheap basketball. This basketball is made of rubber. The basketball diary. Diarrheas. Diarrheas. This could also be Harlan deflecting. This is a strange story. It's by the way the way he does the Kardashians who did the spray tan. Whatever. We were all wondering. I'm getting Harlan vibes on this as well. But Big Jay hasn't had a story yet. I know, right? Neither has Harlan, though. No, Harlan had one. He did? Yeah, the airplane. Oh, right. The plane that tears. Norman hasn't had a story yet, right? No. No. Look, by the way, we've had people win. Karen Fionn won the show with having zero stories spread on the show. Well, I'm not. You and the food, though. Like that first one with the cookie yeast or whatever it was. Like, this feels like you. Do you two love to eat? Look at me. Yeah, a little bit. I can't eat. Makes me shit. Protein, you know. Protein. You too. You too? Yeah. Oasis. You know what? I'm going to get it going. I'm going to go Mark Norman. I'm just going by the game of numbers here. It's kind of a weird story. I can see Mark, you know, fucking. Big Spencer's peanut butter. Calm down, Snoop Dogg. Jesus. Y'all, y'all nizzuts. Mark Norman is my vote. Fuck. Look at Jay grinning over there. You big slice of pumpkin pie, you. Something's up with Jay on this one. It's Harlan. Becky Lynch votes for Harlan. Why do you think Harlan, Becky? Because he keeps accusing me of it. Oh. Sneaky. Sneaky, which I feel like is projecting. Yeah. Look at him. He's giggling. He's giggling like crazy. Look at him. He's downright giddy. He won't stop. He's in a deep stage of dementia. I don't know if you've heard him speaking at all tonight. Mark Norman votes for Becky Lynch. All of our answers are in Alex. Whose story was story number five? Story number five belongs to Becky Lynch. Of course it was me. I knew it. I knew it. I'm a psychopath. That's a lady move. I said it at the beginning with the partner thing. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't I listen? Becky. It is true, though. Alex will change the thing to make it not obvious, girl or boy. I know, but even with the change, I just knew it's her. Becky, who was this partner? What happened here? So, okay, right. Writing was on the wall already. But my friend came over from Ireland, and I used to work in this health food shop, and they had this peanut butter machine. So they would make this fresh peanut butter, and it was just the best peanut butter that I've ever had in my entire life. - I love this peanut butter. - You should be fat. You make me sick. Look at the passion she's talking about, peanut butter and cookie dough. It was so long, but it's so good. I wish you knew what Louis had to go through to look like this. I haven't had a carb in two months. It's insane. He does three-day fasts, and he looks like this. And it's fine, but I mean, it's fine. Is that a shirt for a barbecue restaurant? Yeah, it is. Shout out to Terry Blacks. Guy's a barbecue hype man. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead, Becky. So it was very rare, and it cost a good amount. And especially if you think about importing it. Now, this was before tariffs. But still, it was still quite expensive because, you know, the conversion rate and everything. And then I go. I was looking for the peanut butter. I find it. It's empty. Right? The betrayal. The absolute betrayal. You've got to go. Put it back empty. You've got to go. Yeah. That's like God. Like as if I'm not going to notice. And you broke up with him for that. What else are you doing? And he's gone. You broke up with him for that. And because he hit you. But she didn't think. She pretended it was okay. She's like, no, no, it's okay. Shake my hand. Anyways, he goes, no, I don't know. Should I do it? Should I shake his hand? Get the fuck out of my house, you peanut butter stealing motherfucker. Fuck you. You peanut butter stealing piece of shit. Of course it was me. Go on, Alex. Give the fucking scores. She loves this. She sits over there and she loves this. In last place with zero points, Big Jay Oakerson. Whoa. I don't. I don't know what I did to chip this. This bitch is clit, but she's got it out for me. She's got it out for me over there. In fourth place with four points, Harland Williams. In third place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with 10 points each, Mark Norman. And Becky Lynch. Oh, it's a slobber knocker. Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Story Warriors, you know what's up. If you love coffee and you want to have an elevated coffee experience, Body Brain Coffee is the answer. I created this company about a year ago. It's functional coffee, so it's got mushrooms, it's got nootropics, and there's a lot of mushroom coffees on the market. They all taste like shit, first of all. We actually use real premium freeze-dried Colombian coffee as a base. And then we add the mushrooms, we add the adaptogens to it, and it gives it a really, really great flavor. But it's also got Tonka Ali, which has been linked to testosterone support. So if you're a dude that's worried about your testosterone depleting, the testosterone levels are down by hundreds of points on average in the past however many years. This is the answer. My testosterone's up. Jay, you've never been more manly. Dude, it's insane. I'm growing hair everywhere. Especially in your ass. My ass, my fucking fingertips. It's getting crazy over here. Too much man. Go check it out. BodyBrainCoffee.com is the website. It's just five simple ingredients. You can drink it hot, drink it cold, put it in a protein shake. Go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use the promo code WAR20 and save 20% off your order today. Get a couple bags. If you subscribe, you're going to get 20% off, and you're going to get free shipping. BodyBrainCoffee.com. Okay, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank HIMSS for supporting the show. Look, you might got ED. You got some issues. Who knows, right? You do. You do. Look, it's been a while. It doesn't work as well as it used to work, okay? You don't have to go to the doctor and have a weird conversation. You don't have to go and find the doctor. You don't have to spend a lot of money on this. You can simply go- You don't have to go to there and show them your floppy, soft dick. I assume that's the process when you go to the doctor in person. You'd be like, look, doc. And then he jerks you off a little bit, and then he goes, nothing. And then he brings in a nurse to show her butt, and then if nothing happens- It's crazy. Well, look, I'll tell you right now. They're going to give you personalized prescription treatments for ED right online. Trusted generics that cost 95% less than the brand name. And they have other in-house products as well, like their Hard Mints and Sex Rx, plus Climax Control, 100% online access to personalized treatments. They bring the expert care right to you. I use HIMSS. I'll tell you right now, not only do I use it for ED, but I've been thinking about jumping into some of their hair loss or weight loss products as well, Jay, because it's not just ED. Yeah, yeah. You are bald and fat also. It's true. I'll tell you right now, being bald and fat doesn't make my dick work any better. You are going to be a Frankenstein made up of- You are going to be a Frankenstein made up of HIMSS products, dude. HIMSS.com slash wars with a Z. That's HIMSS.com, H-I-M-S dot com slash wars with a Z for your free online visit. Prescription is required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietris Specialty LLC. HIMSS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietris. All right, Story Warriors. Let's talk about one of our favorite sponsors, which is GLD. Incredible jewelry that feels like it's going to last forever. Feels incredible, looks great, has real gold in every piece. They got chains, rings, earrings, watches. This is the summertime, baby. You got to look like you're blinging it out. You want to be able to make the stories this summer, and you got to look good while you're making those stories, and you don't have to spend an arm and a leg on great jewelry. It's amazing. It's high-quality craftsmanship, a great price, real gold in every single piece, handset stones. You and your son are rocking those things around. You look like brothers out there. I know. You're like Knight of the Roxbury. Doggy, I'm 10. I'm also 10. I'm also single and ready to mingle this summer, so I need a little bit of help from my Cuban link. Oh, yeah. Cuban link's doing a lot of the heavy lifting out there, dude. For the type of women that I want. Yeah, bitches drip for links. For a limited time. If you want a dumb slut, wear Cuban links. She'll move in tomorrow. For a limited time, new customers are getting an insane deal. Use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, to get 40% off at GLD.com. That is an amazing deal. 40% off. Get some fly-ass jewelry for the summertime. Use that code WARS for the 40% off at GLD.com. All right. Let's get back to the show. Alex, story number six. Story number six. When I was 22 years old, I had sex with my college professor. How is this not Becky Lynch? Who appears? He's crushing professor pussy. Yeah. None of us. Interesting. Is there anyone on this DS that actually went to college? I went to community college for like a month and a half. DeVry? My wish. At least I would have known heating and cooling. No, just Camden County Community College. Oh, wow. I did one year at community college. I did a half a year at Baruch College in New York City. 19 years old, done with school completely. Not me. Did not fucking profess. Same. If he did, I'll suck his dick right here. Baton Rouge Community College. You did? Yeah. Where's Baton Rouge? Louisiana. Name drop. Mark may have fucked a professor. Oh, man. What was his name? I was waiting for it. He had elbow pads. Dude, low-hanging fruit. That was his name. He called him Professor Low-Hanging Fruit. He was debating it. Goodbye, Mr. Chips. Yeah. I think this is Mark. Harlan, did you go to college? Yeah. I mean, no. Yeah, I did go to college. University? Phoenix Online? Sheridan College in Ontario, Canada. I studied classical animation. Whoa. What's that, like Steamboat Willie? That's like. Yeah. Great question. That's what she said. Yeah. Was that the old racist Popeyes? The Black Crows? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I did go to college. How old were you? Nosy. I was 18, 19, and 20. Oh, you dropped out, eh? I was only three years. It's animation. Guy's not doing fucking heart surgery. Jeez. Yeah. John Mickey Mouse. Come on, guy. Yeah, Mark Norman slings dick. Or used to, before he was married and had a kid. He used to sling dick. Mark, you're like a known guy in the New York scene for being able to get some good pussy. Hey! I had a run. What's that? I think you fucked that guy's girlfriend. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he fucking does. What was that guy? I was your professor. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I don't know. Your professor's here. How you doing, Mr. Johnson? Oh, boy. Lewis could be the person who died. Lewis is a coxswain himself, but I will say, like. Yeah. I think the colleges also Lewis went to, they still call them teachers. Right. They would just give you a workbook and be like, just do it yourself. There was no teacher. It was just a room they would put us in. And I don't think. I'm playing the odds. Again, it can be, it's all random, the odds that it's not Becky two in a row but I do my out of the gates I thought it was her but the last story was her who knows what goes down in Ireland yeah who knows you guys banging professors while you're homeschooled dun dun dun it's fucking middle earth over there you guys never been it's all fucking moats and castles from what I gather I've never been I'm sure it's beautiful I'm getting Mark Norman vibes on this I'll get the voting going right now It's an honor I think it's pretty obvious I do too What did you say miss? Eleven colleges Thank you miss, we want you to do that more I don't know what that means Can you just at any given moment call out random thoughts Hey, Wiki Johnson, thanks Did you go to college, Big Jay? I went to two months of Camden County Community College Two months? That's enough to plant a seed It is It is, yeah, for sure But again, those weren't professors That was called 13th grade It was up the block I would not go because there wasn't parking It says it was when I was 22 as well When I was 22, I was done I didn't go to college I was already in comedy for three years I'm going to go to Lewis Maybe, he's dumb Alright, everybody's locked in We're locked in Oh, I think it's Mark Come on, Alex Stop fisting me in the fucking ass Come on, Big Al Story number six Belongs to Mark I'm in the game How'd you know? Well played Mark didn't fly You can't fool anybody here Yeah, you go for it, dude I believe you'd fucking do it and pull it off Screenwriting teacher Mrs. Fritz And her apartment Well, miss, I don't know She, them, he, her, who knows So how'd you get her? Tell us the story It's a crazy story So I lived in a shitty apartment I had no money with like six roommates The shower didn't work So I was the stinky guy at school Cause I couldn't shower Should've had some expensive deodorant Yeah So I was going around to all the students Like, hey, can I shower at your place? Can I shower? I need a shower It's brutal I smell horrible And I As a joke, I asked the teacher Hey, can I shower at your place? She goes Alright, you can But I'm having a dinner party tonight And I was like I'll be in and out You won't even notice me So I show up at her place She's got pots boiling A big table full of placemats And glasses and plates And silverware And I'm like Oh, gee, this is a big party So I go I'll shower real quick And she goes Well, have a glass of wine And I was like I'll have a quick glass And I'll get out of here I don't want to be in the way So we have a glass of wine We're chatting We're laughing We're having a good time I barely know this woman Only as a teacher So then I'm like Alright I gotta get in the shower She goes Have one more I'm like Alright, I'll have another glass of wine But there's food cooking There's pots boiling And I'm like Alright, alright, one more So I have another glass of wine Then I'm like I gotta get in the shower There's people coming over I'll get out of your hair I'm in the shower And I was like Thinking like You know Kind of buzzing Like Am I gonna fuck this chick? Oh, that's crazy She's my teacher What are you What are you, nuts? So I towel off I get dressed And she goes Well, here's another glass And I'm like Oh, alright Where is everybody? Your teacher was a rapist Wow I was 22 You were praying for a predator Yeah Wait, what course was she teaching? Skank Skank No, no, I don't know Was it screenwriting? Yeah But You said screenwriting, right? Yeah, she was anatomy I don't know So I go Alright, where is everybody? I gotta go And she goes I want you to come on my face And I was like Oh, alright So Did you negotiate? No, I went with it pretty quick She just said I want you to come on my face That's what she said Right out of the gate And I was like Holy shit Boner check Okay Okay What if she went Who famously said that? It was just a test Yeah, it's a Freud I want you to come on my face So we banged We banged for hours She was on her period Which was kind of crazy Because it was a real bloodbath in there And Wow It was fine I'm not against it Whatever, you know You're 22 Yeah, and also I took third period with her And Was she attractive? Very Not very But she was pretty So we went at it for a while And no one ever came over She made up the whole thing It was a ruse Just to fuck you I guess But we ate the food Oh my god And it only happened one time ever? One time ever Then I went back to school We acted like it never happened Wow Really? I feel like one day You're going to have to sit across from a table from her And face your abuser Like those shows I love her Tell her how she hurt you She gave me a hard time She gave me an A I gave her the D Yes Mark was naked in one of the pots Like a cartoon Cutting carrots into the pot I don't approve of what you did, Mark But god damn it If I don't respect it I respect it Alex, where are our points at? Jay's finally on the board, folks Jay's on the board It's never too late With double points So sweet On the board In last place With four points Big Jay Oakerson In fourth place With eight points Harland Williams In third place With ten points Mark Normand In second place With eleven points Louis J. Gomez And in first place With fourteen points Becky Lynch That is Becky loves winning That's why she's a thirteen time winner I'm WWE Women's Champion We tell everybody A couple stories in You're going to get into the game I'm not But most everybody will How sad is it going to be That we're all going to be beat By Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman over there? Worst ways to go out Alex, story number seven Story number seven I once stole someone else's Dinner They left it so open To be stolen That they were basically Begging me to do it Fuck you guys You think I steal food? This could be a young Big Jay Really? You think I just scavenger Around the town for food? Fuck you guys Vote for me I don't care I'm out That's crazy You think I stole Fuck you guys So funny So vague Haven't we learned anything Any of these to do with food It's her That's true Good point But anything to do with stealing Has been me so far It was a tag team match It's a tough one Again, it's an outside thing here But Mark I do like food Historically loves food And also like I don't know I've been out for food With Mark a few times At restaurants And if you don't Eat something If you let him know You're like Hey, I don't care If you have the other half Of this sandwich He'll take it It bums me out Because he's got A fantastic body But yeah, Mark Will fucking snag some food For sure But I don't know If it's stealing it I've stolen some food Is he so brazen He wants to let you know He will? Nah I'll take some But why is he gonna steal food When his fuck crazy teacher Just fed him? It is true He could just fucking Feed you a mouthful Of fucking Professor Bush I know See, I've stolen food I wouldn't steal Somebody's dinner But I used to steal food All the time I used to steal food When my son was two years old I was so broke All right, Les Miserables All right Fucking this guy over here Master of the house It was for my family My poor family My boy It's bread It's bread Now bring me Prisoner 24601 Your time is up But your parole's begun No, yeah Me and my son There was a barbecue spot In the back of a supermarket In Harlem Harlem Williams And I would I would go in there And you'd have to like Order the barbecue Then bring it to the front And pay for it So I would order it And just go to the back Of the supermarket And feed it to my son And we would eat it And walk out He had no idea He was involved He was too What were you guys The pursuit of happiness? To just fucking run around Hat in hand Can I have some food For me and my son? my boy. What are you talking about? You lived in a place. You were fine. But that's not somebody else's dinner. I mean, technically it is. It's going to be hard. Like, someone's entire dinner does like a Harlan thing where he's going to tell you every fucking course that he took for free. I don't know. Choosy moms choose Jif. I'm looking at you there. She does covet her own peanut butter. Yeah. Maybe that's how she showed this fucker who ate her peanut butter what's what by stealing his entire dinner. Oh, yeah. Good point, Satsuma. But, Lewis, with the $5,000 one, you pretty much told us you were a criminal, and now you're just telling us you used to steal food. He's telling us again that it was him. Oh, yeah. To this day, I steal. Same. Same. To this day, it's fun. It's a thrill, especially at an airport. Airport, toothpaste. They shouldn't charge that much for toothpaste. Airport, I don't steal from on purpose. On airport, I steal because I scan it, I try to pay, and if it glitches twice, I'm taking it. Yeah, that's fair. I tried my best, but I'm walking away with this. Oh, man. The beauty is you get on that flight, you're home free. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's a great feeling. Oh, yeah, the sky. It's international waters, baby. I'm going to hit the SkyMall. Suck my dick. Until Harlan gets on the microphone and he's like, if anybody stole anything from the airport, I'm going to hockey fight you. I will goldbird you. I will fucking spear you if you attempt to do anything with this plane. Bring a box cutter, you wish. Try to stop a fucking hockey blade to the face. Becky, you're being very quiet right now. What are you thinking? I don't know. That was a guilty laugh if I've ever seen one. Or was it a fake guilty laugh? Have all the food ones been her? Yeah. No, is that true? Yes, yes. Peanut butter and the cookie dough. You know what? As someone who stays so physically fit, food really is your major temptation, I guess. Yeah, seems like it. Becky, did your mushrooms kick in just now? Just now? Yeah, I don't know. She's wigging. I'm going to throw a fucking dart. Food, yeah. That's true. My first, my instinct was Harland. But I have Becky because she is unraveling. Yeah, right? All right. All right. Big J puts the first vote in for Becky Lynch. She's got the giggles hard. It's one of these two Canucks over here. But he hasn't had one story yet, so it should be him. Oh, yeah, I have. Big J hasn't. No, I have. No, have you? No, he hasn't had a story. You got to lock it in. I haven't had a story? I had a story. No, I don't think he hasn't. Almost 100%. That's it there. But I'm voting for Becky because she loves food. Two votes for Becky Lynch. Who doesn't love food? Oh, I didn't. We all love food. What are you thinking, Norman? We all love food. What's going on? Norman's deep in thought right now. I think it's one of these two. Reminiscing about his college professor. Oh, yeah. Flaming the Irish. That was a good, great meal. How dare he? He didn't come out of her face. You didn't come out of her face? No. I forgot. Oh, fuck. I got to go back. That's why you still got a C in the class. C for cum. Yeah. Your report card said doesn't follow instructions well, but tries hard. He doesn't apply himself. Maybe it's you because you're stalling a lot more than you normally do. Oh, I'm not. I don't care for stalling. You're stalling like an old car. I'm more of a Hitler guy. off. All right. Wow. Big Jay Oakerson. All right. Cold fries and a steak and shake burger. Wasn't bad. Hit the spot. This is his convict hoodie. That's the sound of the men kick back. We have one more story. Wait, we got our fucking points. Oh, yeah, our points. I apologize. Well, big Al. You sleepy asshole. It's two in the morning. All right. In last place with eight points, Harland Williams. Wingman coming out soon. Yeah. Check it out on Apple and Amazon, May 26. It's going to be good. Get out there and support it. Thank you so much. Tied for third place with ten points each, Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson and Mark Norman. Oh, shit. I got to step it up. In second place with 14 points, Becky Lynch. Came back to the winner. And in first place with 15 points, Louis J. Gomez. Yeah. Amen. Oh, fattlesnake. Going into the last round, it is genuinely anybody's game. Everybody is still on the board and able to win this one. It can go any direction. Is this crowd? It's two in the fucking morning, but I feel like this crowd's pretty hyped still, yeah? One more story to decide who takes home heated rivalry by Rachel Reed. At its core, heated rivalry is about two men trying to balance love, identity, and professional sports while pretending they mean nothing to each other in public. It's us. It's emotional, intimate, and a defiant look at the price of being gay in the spotlight of professional sports. Someone's taking it home. Anyone's game. Alex, stop fucking around over there. Give us story number eight. Story number eight. I entered a book-a-thon at school to raise money for charity. I lied about the amount of books I sold, then skimmed $5 off the top to buy myself some ice cream. What the fuck is a book-a-thon? It's where you sell books, I'm assuming, to your friends and family. Oh, look who knows about book-a-thons, all. Well, well, well. Who's the fucking master of book-a-thons out of nowhere? Wow. I mean, you bought ice cream. Yeah. That's a tough one. Well, Jay, you're dressed as Sherbert. I am. I am. I like to keep it light. I don't think they had book-a-thons in Ireland or anything. Right? They don't have cookie dough, either. We have free education over there. Free education. Book-a-thons, they don't have charity, and they don't have $5. Book-a-thon. Harland? What? No? No, I wasn't summoning you. I was thinking maybe this could be you, but. No. When we wanted ice cream where I lived, we'd go to the Dairy Queen drive-thru, and we'd pull the zit-faced kid working in there out, punch the living shit out of her, stuff her back in, and then tell him we didn't want ice cream anyway. Dude, you are a hockey player at your core. Take no prisoners anywhere you go. Yeah. You got that right, Uncle Floyd. Taking money from charity. Lewis would do that. I would. I have. I'm not going to lie. I have. I've done some version of this. Really? I sold candy. In the ninth grade, we sold candy, and I sold like $500 worth of candy. Spent all the money. The school gave me the candy before I gave them the money. I gave all the candy out to everyone in school for no reason at all. To become more popular. And then I had to, at my 12th grade, two days before graduation, they were like, you owe us $500 or you can't walk graduation. And my mom beat the shit out of me. That one was deserved. Yeah. I walked around and I collected money for Jerry's kids just from neighbors. And I got about 10 bucks. And then I told my grandmother that story, because we're Jewish. I told her that story like I figured out a plan. I was like, yo, guess what? I got 15 bucks or whatever from going around and collecting for Jerry's kids. She goes, you can't do that. Give the money back. And I'm like, mom, mom, that ship has sailed. I'm not going to go back to these people and be like, here's your $2 back. They're fine. Lesson learned. I won't do it again. But don't they know how many you sold? How do you lie about that? Well, I assume they got caught. Ah. And that's what turned Lewis to a life of ticket sales or whatever he did. I wish I could sell tickets. Jesus. Mark Norman, involved in any bookathons when you were a kid? No. I don't take from charity. What am I, Gavin Newsom? This crowd loves and or hates me. Hates him. I think this is Lewis. This is a Lewis. Lewis is a schemer, scammer, lowdown, grimy piece of shit. Who just lives in the muck and loves to fucking take a good thing and break it. Yeah, you're willing to have a secret gay relationship with me. Yeah. So what does that say about you? That's your choice. I was born this way. I'm tempted, dude. Your body fucking draws me. I can't quit you. I want to. But you had me at doggy. Doggy style. What do you think of horror? I don't know. Once again, it's food and it seems really nice. I went for a charity and it just seems like Lady Lilliput over here. That's you. You love food. Everybody loves food. You love it most. He loves food. Me too. Why me particularly? What do you think? Lewis is in fucking fighting shape right now? We're both doing. You don't know me. I was way worse. Most people here tonight have said how fantastic I look. Harlan votes for Becky Lynch. Becky. The crowd. Are you clapping for Jay or are you clapping because you think it's Becky Lynch? Sexy Jay. He is us. Becky, what do you think? What do you think? I'm not going to say anything. you rounded out with Lewis. Interesting. But not me. Just not me. I voted for you. That's a good poker face. All right. Oh, shit. We did a couple of Becky stories already, though, didn't we? You can't have more than two stories. There's no rule. All right. I'll go Big Beck. Big Beck. Let's see. Look how happy he is. All of our answers are in. Lewis is thrilled. You're thrilled. You can't hold in your happiness. The final story of the night. Should have gone with my gut. Belongs to Becky Lynch. A third food story. All of your temptation is food. It's always stealing food. Have you never met a black guy? First of all, I wasn't from charity, technically, and I kind of gave it away in the beginning because I was like, oh, we have free education because it was from the school. I brought the money from the school, not a charity. The bookathon was for the school, not a charity. But they gave the money to charity. You indirectly stole from dying children, Becky. And that is the type of attitude you need to be a 13-time women's WWE champion. Is there any more context to this? So there is some more context to it. So, yeah, I did do that, but it was it was to raise money for the school. I think it was the heating or something in the school and, you know, we could be cold. We're used to it where we should put on a jumper. It's grand. But then so anyway, because I didn't want to just come home and suddenly be really rich because, you know, it was five euros. But I would know five pounds at the time, which was a lot of money back then. That's also what Mark did to his teacher. But but so so then. Anyway, so I came into my house and I thought that I'd be real smart. And I was like, oh, did anybody lose a fiver thinking, OK, this will explain why I'm rich all of a sudden. But my dad goes, I did so the fucker took it off me. So I didn't even get to eat my ice cream. Your dad is the real winner here tonight. And that's what drove you into the arms of the rock. Alex, I have no idea who won. Give us our final points. All right. In last place with 10 points, Big Jay Oakerson. In fourth place with 12 points, Harland Williams. In third place with 14 points, Mark Norman showed he showed second place scored 15 points. And your winner tonight with 18 points, Becky Lynch. Oh, holy. Shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Everybody Becky Lynch, you are the newest story warrior here, which means now that you're in a very elite group, you can say the phrase that pays. You know, you get you get the trigger now. Double. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? That must feel as good as winning the title at the Garden. Probably. Better. Probably. Everybody, how about a big round of applause for our amazing panel? The great Mark Norman. The great Harlan Williams. Your newest story warrior, the man, Becky Lynch. Thank you guys for hanging out with us at Story Wars. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. I'm Luis J. Gomez. Until next time, peace. Good night.