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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 163, and today's episode battles over different parenting styles. I'm talking about what we can and should do if we find ourselves battling with our partner on how we parent. Now, I want to dive deep into the potential situation you might be in at the moment, or you might find yourself in in the future. And yours and your partner's parenting styles vary so drastically, it's causing real issues at home, impacting your children, your relationship, and making family life feel incredibly difficult, or like a battleground. Now, whilst the strategies I will cover can and absolutely will work if you are no longer co-parenting your children in the same home, my focus is very much from the perspective that you are together and you are parenting under the same roof. I will, in a different episode, cover the sort of additional strategies or the additional things that we need to be mindful of if you and your partner are no longer together and your parenting styles differ wildly, because that approach is going to be different to tackle and we need to take a slightly different perspective, because in those situations, you may not be on amicable terms, which will make sometimes the ability to have a constructive discussion very difficult. So I want you to be thinking about in this particular one, you know, when I'm talking and when I'm giving sort of strategies and I'm discussing things, I'm working on the assumption in this episode that you are still together, you are at home, and you are trying to work things through together in terms of your disagreements or differences about parenting styles, although we will tackle some difficult truths too. Now, I am going to warn you, I am going to be supremely frank because I don't believe in being anything other than honest. You deserve my honesty. So let's dive in. I'm going to talk you through sort of five things. They're sort of strategies, but they're, you know, they're also sort of approaches and things that we need to sort of really bear in mind. And let's just paint a picture for a moment. These are not necessarily minor disagreements. Maybe your partner has sanctioned your children in a way that you don't necessarily agree. This is much more where we're really battling on, in lots of ways, some of the core values that we may feel around our parenting. So if we just take it right back, because repetition is the mother of all learning, and some of you may well be coming to this podcast for the very first time, and you might not have the context of some of the other episodes that I've spoken about, relative to those of you who are, you know, loyal listeners that listen in each week. Remember that my view is that our children are a building under construction and that our role as parents is to initially provide that solid foundation on which the building rises. And then our emphasis shifts from creating that solid foundation to becoming the scaffolding. So we can catch any falling masonry, any falling timber, but we respond to the build of the house rather than trying to influence and adapt the build. Because we want our children to fundamentally grow up to become resilient adults who will then inhabit this building that they're creating, which will be a building of their choice, of their design, of their architecture. And that that building that they then inhabit meets building regulations. So it's habitable, you know, it adopts the laws and the ability to operate within the world that our children are going to sort of grow up and be adults within. And, you know, the podcast listeners, we've got over 60 different countries, and that's going to vary, of course, from one country to another. When we're talking about battling with our partner in terms of parenting styles, where it can become a real head as such is around either the values which we're trying to instill as part of the solid foundations that we are trying to place up, you know, allow our children building to rise, or it can be in ways that we scaffold or respond to our child's build. So I want you to be thinking about that as we go through these particular strategies, because it's really important that we can still approach the same outcome in different ways. That's a natural part of our parenting styles. We're all individual, we'll have different ways of approaching the same problem. But as long as it's coming from the same value system, as long as it's coming from the same end goal, then usually, when we have those situations, it can be real subtle tweaks. But quite often when we're battling with very different parenting styles, it relates much more to do with those foundation morals and values, or on that basis of our role as to be the scaffolding that doesn't influence our children's build. I think the first thing we need to consider is their parenting is a reflection in the same way as our parenting is a reflection of what is currently going on in our lives. So parenting is one of our many roles, and it will be impacted by all of the factors that might be going on in our lives, whether that's work, whether that's our extended family, whether that's our friendships, whether it's our social life, whether it's our financial status, whatever that might be, it will be impacting our parenting. And so I've talked previously about this concept of the bucket that we all have. The behaviour that you may be seeing that might be impacting and creating this battle with your partner in terms of how your parenting could be, and their parenting approach as a result, could be as a result of factors that go beyond just home life. And so that's what's impacting these kind of battlegrounds. So I think that, to me, is one of the first places to start. So often when we're having a battle with our partner, we tend to dive straight in, and quite often, depending on your natural style as an individual, we can go straight in kind of slightly on the attack of, you mustn't do that, that impacts the children in this way. But I do think, and I've talked about this so many times, parenting requires our ability to reflect. Some of us are a bit sort of, you know, jump in feet first. I am supremely guilty of that. And I do think we have to temper that with an element of, okay, I'm just going to take a bit of a step back from this situation. It's heated. I disagree with my partner. But actually, let me just take a step back and just let me look at my partner in the context of their life. So not just in terms of what I'm seeing right now, in a situation that I feel that they've not parented consistently with how I would parent, or maybe we think fundamentally what they're doing is damaging to our children. But let me look at my partner from the perspective of their life. And I think that's a really good point. And I think that's their whole life, rather than just what they're presenting in their role as parent. And that's part of that kind of reflective piece. And the reason why the bucket analogy is so useful here is that it helps us consider things beyond what's going on. So let me just explain a little bit more about the bucket for those of you who are not familiar with this particular thing, or you've not listened to an episode previously where I've talked about the bucket. The bucket is something that is metaphorical. We all have a bucket. We do, our children do, our parents, our friends, we all have a bucket. And that bucket is constantly filling, with the challenges, the difficulties, the unpleasant emotions that we have during the course of the day. And we don't normally notice the bucket is filling until that final drop tips and spills the water over the edge. And then we have an emotional outburst, we shout, we collapse, we're overwhelmed. Whatever it might be for us, we'll respond to that last drop in a slightly different way. And what we typically do is we sort of analyse that particular situation and say, oh my goodness, why did I react the way that I did? And we forget that the bucket has been filling up over time. Some of us, our bucket will fill quite quickly. And so it's been filling up in the matter of hours. For others, it might be filling up over the course of several days. So that's one aspect that we need to consider is what are the things that are going into my bucket rather than what was the last thing that just tipped things over? So that's one aspect of the bucket. The other aspect of the bucket is not only does it fill in from the top, but we can actually empty and drain it from the bottom, whether that's a tap, whether that's drainage holes, whatever it might be, however the visual works for you. But we have a bucket that we empty. So we've got all the stuff going in at the top, but there are things that we do consciously and sometimes unconsciously, which help drain the bucket. And that's things that genuinely drain our bucket. So it might be that it might be about exercise. It might be about spending quality time with friends who are really important. It might be journaling. It might be being outside in the outdoors. It might be reading, whatever it might be. We will all have different things which genuinely empty our bucket. And there are also things that we think empty our but don't, so these are often things like mindless scrolling through social media, just mindless watching videos on YouTube or watching television or drinking, overeating, these sorts of things. So it's things that we think are making us feel better, things that we're helped, that we feel is giving us that down, chill, decompression time. But actually all that those things do is press pause rather than actually allow us to drain our bucket. The reason why that's particularly relevant is your partner may be exhibiting challenges around parenting styles or where you may differ because of what's going on in their life just generally. And actually what it could be is that their bucket is filling more quickly than they can empty it. It could be that they're just simply not emptying it constructively, or it could be that one particular aspect of their life is continually filling it despite all of their efforts to empty it. So I think the first thing that we need to do when we're getting into these battles is really try and take a step back, find ourselves some space, some peace, and just reflect for a moment, be aware of what's going on in our partner's lives. Simply that they've started a new job and it's particularly stressful. They've got challenges with a family member who's becoming unwell. They're in a conflict situation with a colleague or a whole host of others. They don't feel great about themselves. Or maybe what might be filling their bucket is actually the challenging behavior that you're having with one of your children at that time is really triggering a whole load of things from their own childhood. Whatever that might be, it's just about being able to take a bit of a step back. Because when we can understand the context in which these differing parenting styles are coming in, we can then respond more compassionately. We talk so much about responding to the emotion behind our child's behavior that we forget we need to do a similar thing with our partners, is we need to look beyond their shouting or their overbearingness or their easygoing mindset, just letting anything go, being inconsistent. Whatever it might be that you're battling, I think we have to kind of try and take a bit of a step back. So that's the first thing I'd say is, is their parenting a reflection of what's currently going on in their lives? That's number one. The second one, is your relationship sound? I told you I was going to be frank and it would get personal. Now, of course, relationships will ebb and flow. It's not all flowers and rainbows, especially once we have children. But does your partnership, does your relationship feel sound? Other than your sort of differing approaches to parenting your children. So in all other aspects, your relationship's super sound, but actually where we're different on the way that we parent. If it isn't, if your relationship isn't sound, my view is you need to address the issues around your relationship as well as how you parent. Because if your relationship isn't sound, for whatever reason that might be, maybe that you're not spending time together, maybe you don't feel connected, maybe actually, you know, the arrival of the children has created a massive disconnect. Whatever it might be, you cannot deal with the differences in terms of your parenting styles and the challenges you're having around parenting your children without also working on your relationship. Of course, relationships will ebb and flow. They're not going to be easy all of the time. And children, create an additional dynamic and an additional challenge. You consider if you're parenting differently around a child who doesn't sleep at night, who keeps coming into your bedroom. Maybe you're battling over a child that goes to sleep, can't get them to sleep in the evening. Maybe you're having battles over a child actually doing some work because they've got important exams coming up or managing technology or whatever it might be, it is going to have an impact on your relationship. But if your relationship itself isn't sound, it isn't on that firm, solid foundation and you can't go into battle around how you're parenting and saying, well, we need a more consistent approach. If you're also not really dealing with some of the root causes, some of the root issues. And if we go back to the bucket analogy, if your relationship isn't sound, that will be impacting and filling both of your buckets in slightly different ways. And sometimes it can be when our relationship isn't sound or aspects of our relationship doesn't feel sound. One of us may be quite happy with that bit and is accepting that that's a natural part of the ebb and flow now that we've become parents. But your partner might feel very differently about it. So it's really important that we focus in on keeping the relationship sound. So many people, once they have children, makes the children the primary focus of every aspect of energy.
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Speaker 3At the detriment of the relationship. I remember reading a phrase somewhere, and forgive me if I've got the phrase slightly wrong here, but in essence, it was the greatest gift, and it was very much based from the father's perspective, but just work with me. We can make it more universal. But the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. So it was around that basis that actually the greatest gift we can give our children is to be respectful and loving and kind and thoughtful and nurturing the relationship we have, because our children see that. We must rest in our relationships with our partner in order to be the supportive parent that we want to be for our children, to be able to show up for them, to be able to model to them what a sound relationship looks like. And a sound relationship isn't always easy. A sound relationship requires work. It takes effort. It takes difficult conversations, but it is about prioritizing it and not always putting it to the bottom of the list because there are all of these other demands around the children first. So that does mean, whether for you that that means, instilling a date night that is a very formal date night that your children are aware of, or whether it's just having connection time and making sure that that gets built in, being strict about bedtimes, all of these sorts of things, that's all part of it. We so often get caught up in that. We differ wildly in terms of the way that we parent and we focus in on that, but there's so much underneath that. So the first one is, is your partner's parenting a reflection of what's currently going on in their lives or even yours? Is your relationship sound? The third one is a warning or much more, oh gosh, warning sounds very dramatic. Let's not call it a warning. Let's just say it's a thing not to do. Never undermine your partner's parenting in front of your children unless there is an immediate danger to their psychological or their physical wellbeing. Now I say this genuinely with love and I say this because I have been so supremely guilty of this myself. And it's not necessarily, in the past I would have described this as parents, children need to see a united front from their parents. It's not actually that children necessarily need to see a united front because actually what's more important is that children are fundamentally feel that they're loved and that the approach that they're getting is consistent. The messaging that they get is consistent. And what happens when we undermine is that we diminish our partner's standing, particularly if we do this consistently, we diminish their standing with our children. So what then happens is whatever they say, our children simply ignore because they know that we're going to override that. And that was a class, classic one for me. It was always, well, it doesn't matter what daddy says, mummy's the one that basically decides things anyway, which is not, it's not great. You know, that isn't, might feed my ego, but that's not helpful in terms of parenting at all. So I think it's really important. And the other aspect to it, if we go back to, is your relationship sound, it chips away at a relationship. So it's really important. You might fundamentally disagree with your partner. They may have gone from zero to a hundred when it comes to a sanction that your child gets, and you feel that they've been too extreme in that moment. You need to be consistent with them and not undermine them and then have a conversation with them afterwards. Look, you know, I'm sorry. You know, I just felt that the sanction that you gave Jack was far too harsh considering that what he had done. And that doesn't seem to be consistent with what we've, you know, how we've sanctioned them in the past. I know that we were both really angry. We couldn't believe that he had done X, Y, and Z. And so I completely get why you were angry, but I think we went probably a bit too far with that particular one. Because what you have as an option is that you're not going to do it. You're going to do it as an option. Always as parents is to go back and say to your children, we've had a conversation and we feel that because we were very angry and shocked at the time that we may have gone slightly overboard with the sanction. And on reflection, we've decided that this is a more appropriate sanction. That's absolutely fine. That is healthy. That's constructive. That models to our children that sometimes we make decisions in the heat of the moment that on reflection are probably not what we would want to do. And that is healthy rather than undermining. Oh no, so-and-so doesn't really know what they're doing. That's not how we do it. We do this instead. So it's not healthy. So I think we ought to be, regardless of what might be going on with our children and how differing our parenting styles are and how upsetting it might be to our children at times, unless it is causing psychological harm in that moment or causing our children physical harm where we need to intervene immediately, then it is best that we do not undermine our parenting in front of our children and that we kind of stand firm together and then we have conversation. afterwards and that's why it's so important that we kind of have the you know i talk so much about these sunday planning meetings or sunday family meetings whatever you want to call them but we need to regularly catch up we need to regularly connect we need to regularly reflect on our parenting otherwise what happens is we then become aware of issues and then it's weeks and then weeks turn into months and then months turn into several years before we really address things so that's my kind of do not do all right so we've got considering is their parenting a reflection of what's currently going on in their lives is our relationship sound we don't undermine their parenting in front of our children the fourth one is you need to have those difficult conversations and you need to have them now do not avoid them do not keep putting them off do not get into the scenario okay you've had you know several weeks of things where you've constantly been clashing and then it's it's good again and it's like well don't really want to have that conversation because it's really great at the moment if you have now fine if that's happened once but if that has happened and then you find yourself back into clashing at parenting and then it's easy and then it's back again it's a repeated pattern it's not going to change you know it's not going to be different what's the is it the einstein you know what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result we have to have difficult conversations that's part of being a parent that's part of being an adult is being able to have difficult conversations and i'm saying this with love but we have to because actually that's the right thing to do not only for our children i'm not this is not about guilt making you feel guilty it's the right thing to do just in terms of a respectful aspect of a relationship you know i'm harboring these feelings about the way that we're parenting and it's not it's not appropriate for me to be harboring them and feeling resentful and angry and frustrated and just biding my time and walking on eggshells because i believe that things have got a little bit easier so you need to have those conversations what is it what is it that you need to have those conversations and i'm saying this what is the difficult conversation well at the most basic it has to be we are parenting very differently and i can see that it is impacting our children how do you start you know what's the best approach well i think is definitely not in the heat of the moment absolutely not but much more remember using my favorite intro i've noticed that when jack is having a tantrum we respond very differently i've noticed that our approach to the children's academic work is very different i've i've noticed that the children are getting mixed messages about tech use in their bedrooms yeah it's just working on that sort of thing it's not saying you're doing this and i think it's wrong and i'm doing this and i think it's right if the difficult conversation goes beyond parenting and you know that there's an issue with your relationship that you're out of balance you know they're possibly out of balance in their life beyond your relationship then the difficult conversation might not start with a discussion about parenting but simply you've noticed that they're not their usual self and you know what might be going on how might you be able to help you're you're there to support them all four of the well all five of the strategies i'm going to talk to you that i'm talking to you about all feed into each other they all impact each other so you know if you've noticed that you think that there's something going on particularly at work maybe they've had a change in job maybe they're being made redundant maybe they've taken early retirement and they're just all finding their feet and then they've lost that identity of who they are and you can you know on real reflection you can see that that's a supreme aspect of how they're parenting then tackle that difficult conversation first and tackle it with a you've noticed that just not their usual self have those conversations because trust me they are aware they're not oblivious they're not blind to it and when you have that friction and you have that disconnect that is going to be impacting your relationship in some way and your children will be able to pick up on it they're picking up energetically that something's not quite right and in fact it may well even be that that might be part or compounding some of the challenges or the difficulties with your children's behavior that you're having at the moment so you just need to have those difficult conversations so that's number four number five is have faith in your ability to work it out relationships often take a huge toll when we become a parent we lose sight of the reasons why we came together in the first place we deprioritize our relationship with our partner particularly when our children are in those sort of in particular challenges of ages and stages commit to rekindling what drew you together whilst remembering it isn't going to be the same way as it was pre-children you're fundamentally different people now from your experience as parents not in a bad way just a different way you know every time we have an encounter with somebody every time we have a conversation with someone every time we have an experience and this is the same with our children it leaves a trace in our brain so our brain is never the same moment to moment it's changed and you imagine all of the experiences all of the interactions all of the conversations all of the things that you have done since you became a parent it's not going to be the same it's going to be different but trying to reprioritize that relationship and reconnecting and having faith in your ability to work it out is really crucial now what i would say is for some you're not going to be able to work it out maybe these differences in parenting styles really do go back to some very core values they're hinged in areas that will potentially ultimately mean despite your faith in your ability to work it out it just doesn't and that's also okay too you know what i would say and i'm certainly not encouraging people to split up but i do think we have to remember this whole this whole sort of staying together for the sake of the children is not helpful if we have exhausted everything in a really and maybe exhausted everything is not the right language because that makes it sound like it's a chore but if we really have been compassionate and kind and thoughtful and we've had conversation difficult conversations we've really reflected on our partner and reflected ourselves if we've not you know we've learned to not undermine them you know we're really working on our relationship we've had those difficult conversations and at our core we know things are not things have just drastically changed maybe from when you met or actually they haven't drastically changed you've just been you're being a bit more honest about the relationship then that's a different conversation that's something different to be looking at but in terms of you know working at the relationship that we've got everything requires work it's it's hard children create this whole new dynamic that makes it exciting but it also makes it really exhausting and challenging so keeping these five strategies in mind are really important so the first one is reflecting on whether our partner's parenting is maybe a reflection of what's currently going on in their lives and really that that's what we need to be having conversations about and addressing ask yourself that the question is our relationship sound if it's not then you need to be working on that don't undermine your partner's parenting in front of the children it diminishes them and obviously the impact on how that makes them feel and how they're valued as a parent and it also creates inconsistency with our children and creates this dynamic where they then particularly if we do this repeatedly where they then just simply don't listen and that just exacerbates the issue the fourth one is about we need to have those difficult conversations and we need to stop avoiding them and then this last one is having faith in our ability to work it out so my give this week is going to be these top five strategies in a checklist with the usual space to reflect underneath maybe to make some notes maybe to think about how you might particularly address those it will serve as that reminder and also a reference point from your reflection and your kind of work that you need to be doing on that so as usual head over to my free resource library dr mary hand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode which i hope you have i would be very appreciative and filled with love and gratitude if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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