Battlefield Earth (2000)

While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies. Time to fire up the VCR. This one's my favorite. That was gold. Welcome, then all Jones in the Tipple film. I'm Steve. I'm Chris and I am Brad and we are VHS podcasts. It looks at the box our trailers and behind the scenes and we're going into our second movie of hey. It's not that bad. Not that bad. Okay, well. Chris is going to not defend it, but he's going to explain. So Chris, you picked it in case they can't read. What did you pick? 2000s battlefield earth apparently Scientology propaganda that I didn't know that until today. Also kind of a Ponzi scheme. I'll get into that. I didn't know that until right now. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I'm not even talking about Scientology. I'm talking about the film itself. Yeah, we already we're not going to get on this bad side of that. Yeah, I'm just saying the production company went out of a bankruptcy after it was sued. I'll explain all that. In the behind the scenes, but before that we've got to get into this. I remember seeing this in the theater and could not believe what I was watching. I worse in the movie theater when this came out and it was it got such bad reaction. People coming out of the theater like that's one of the worst films I've ever seen. I'm like, hey, come on. Can't have that bad. I remember running this one like when it came out on. Yeah, I didn't, but how about you Brad? I've never seen this before until just recently. So this was. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I mean, life is all about experiences, right? So this was an experience. Some. Yeah, yeah, Brad's positive all the time. And I saved my bourbon for this review. I have a whole glass of it. Yeah, this one's going to take some out. It's my second one. No, if you're listening and you're not driving, I recommend grabbing a drink as well. I'm not driving. I'm sad that I didn't drink while watching this because yeah, if you're, if you're just listening my entire glass, it's iced tea. Okay, it's not it's not bourbon. Don't kill yourselves because of battlefield. The cyclone the cyclos will do that for you. Yeah, they'll kill you with their comedy or whatever thing I hear. I'm not sure if you're listening to this. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, totally. It made like 29 million dollars on a $50 million dollar budget or something. But we were about to find out those quick backs before you interrupted this huge fan. I should believe that your last name. I'm sorry. Alright, man. I'll talk to you later. I hope he gets that it. I might cut that. Who cares. Eddie who. Those are the movies that were out after Terry. I just wanted to do that to my friend who does listen to the show. By the way, he's going to be really happy. And he's and he's been on the show. So those are some way better films. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Should we go on to the reviews? Yeah. Chris, I think since you picked these out, you should you should read these reviews. Oh, it's going to be an awful one to read for me this week. So we got a couple of reviews. One of them is has to be the worst film ever made. Nothing makes actual sense. The filming framing style tone filters audio editing. Just about everything in this film is horrendous by Clay. Alright, Clive J.W. Him. Can't argue that. It is really awful. All the aliens look like rejected. Like they read or look like rejects from some bad rock band. That's by so over the. That makes me want to watch it. And then fear this movie not because Drow Volta is in dreads. Not because the alleged Scientology subliminal messaging. But because it's one of the worst movies ever made by Mr. Paul. And that is where I learned that this has anything to do with Scientology. And then I looked it up. It's based on a book by over on covered. I do zero research on every film I watch. So after knowing that it was from Mr. Hubbard. Do you like to film more? No. And it changed my opinion one way or though. No, no, no, no, no. I just want to see what you say. That's why I try not to learn anything about movies. Oh, my review that I found was pretty quick on this generally puzzling. Looks like a pastiche or joke. But without the satire. Total absence of reason or logic or plot. Not even a film you can enjoy on drugs. Is whatever way you look at it. No attempt was made by the filmmakers to make what is going on. On screen in any way enjoyable. I have watched this movie while partying. And I enjoy it. But again, it's because you only pay attention to the cool parts, which there are a few. Yeah, after the starring, I'll tell you the most fun I've had with this film. So who starred in this? We got John Travolta as turtle. The Pearls. I tried to remember his name. We got Barry Pepper as Johnny Goodboy Tyler. You fucking read what else they're in. Well, he was in. I picked these movies. What the purpose. So John Travolta, you might remember him from movies such as with pearls from Paris with love and Michael. Another religious movie about an angel, I believe, Barry Pepper, Johnny Goodboy Tyler, who's from he was in the Sliders series and Viper. Forced Whitaker plays. Curr or care. I'm not sure how it's pronounced, but he was in phenomenon and phone booth. Fantastic. I think you get Kim Coats most famously known for a film. Yes. Kim Coats coming back this weekend again as Carlo who was in the last Boy Scout and Water World. Like I just said. Richard Tyson as Robert Fox, who is also in a claim movie, stripper academy, in Big Bad Wolf, and Sabine Carcinty as Chrissy, who is in another really highly acclaimed movie called The Crow, Stairway to Heaven, which is seriously superior to the original Crow, by the way. I just got through and left for the worst movie people are in. John Frelton, Pulp Fiction, fuck that. He was a Michael. You remember that movie? I don't. I know I remember the trailer. I know I've seen it. I know he's an angel, but I don't remember anything from it. It's bad. It's not a good movie. Sliders is really good. I don't remember seeing it, but I know he's like an angel and he smokes cigarettes. So I guess he's like relatable or something. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember. I named my son after him. Nobody smokes anymore. So that's why no one's as cool. Kids, you should smoke it. Make sure you're 21% cooler. Because I like trying to buy a lot of kids are drinking as much anymore either. So what the heck is going on here? They're not. They're not. They're not. I got a true fact. Like the yeah. So what do they do? Just like pot? Vapen weed. Wait, Vapen weed. Minecraft. I mean, whatever. It's like they want to. It's not like that of themselves. I don't know. But if you're high all the time, I mean, yeah, I like the difference. I don't know. Maybe a little healthier possibly than drinking. Maybe tomato tomato. Yeah, who cares? Potato tomato. You get it. Oh, yeah, my story about this. So I actually had used to have a really good time with this in the 2010s working at a bar. This guy named Nick, who was a literature major, a complete opposite of me, by the way. And I think that's why we became friends for a while. Did he read to you? Yeah, yeah, I said night. So what would happen was we would be hanging out at the bar and everything. And he'd be telling me about these books. He's reading. I give a fuck. Okay. So I was like, yeah, and then one day he told me he was reading battlefield earth. And I go, hold up. Rewind. Really? The one from 2000. He goes, yeah, it's based on a book. And I was like, well, I knew that. But you're reading it. He's a great book. The movie's even better because it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. And I was like, are you serious? I thought you were like super, you know, like in a book and you didn't like anything like that. So I went right to the store, best by like the next day, bought it. And my roommate and him and I were all just sitting there and just cracking up to this movie because the only way you can enjoy this movie is making fun of it with your friends. Yeah, maybe that's maybe that's why my cause if you have to sit through this alone, this movie is so painful. It's so bad. I love my animals, but there are so many movies that we have watched for watching it with them just sucks. If you need to watch it with people. Yes, that's that like a movie like this, we all should have been on discord just watching it because it's just I mean, we're probably going to crack up at this trailer because it's just so dumb. So without further do it's a watch this trailer and then talk about what was on the DVDs and the VHS or whatever you got here in the notes. Here we go. When we attack your planet, all your soldiers and all their advanced technology, you only put up a measly nine minute fight before they were exterminated. Right just why man is an endangered species. Dude, this looks like some side by network. Yeah, that's a terrible trailer. Yeah, that was the best podcast in the academy. Did the best selling fantasy novel of all time sci-fi novel? Yeah, I don't know. I don't have to look those numbers up and I don't believe it. How the fuck am I going to prove that wrong? You know, we get stuff. I think Star Wars did pretty good. Guys, did I mention that I was the most handsome man in the academy? Well, that's cool. I don't know what shit bag the academy you went to. It was the same but I went to. It was the same place where I was the best marksman in the academy. How many times does he train birth bread to conquer universes? Oh, yeah, I think I have me on earth. I don't want to be here anymore. Don't put me on here for 50 cycles. If I knew it was her daughter, her daughter. Tell the senator. I love it by the way that they have senators just like us. It's just a corporation for sodding as a government. Yeah, just like us. Yeah, it makes sense. Hopefully, there's stocks fall like someone else's. Anywho, not going to get into politics, the on-tucks. So we got a bunch of aliens doing a bunch of alien stuff. But before we let Chris read the notes here and I know he's looking forward to that. What do we have on the DVDs here? You had an ad for on the VHS. You had an ad for DVDs. Oh, no, yeah. Looks like a board watch that. So that remind the Adam Baldwin or sorry, Alec Baldwin. Remember, team America was like Eric Bardwin. He gives that like over the top speed. That's where they got that from. Is it is almost like word for well not word for word but just the way he delivers it. Just how Alec Baldwin in team America delivers those lines. I'll have to rewatch it and pay attention to it that way. Scramland and find something to write down the trailers home. And then we got race against time, which looks like a really shitty fun sci-fi movie. And why does race against time? It's like it's kind of like repo man. Like you like buy organ upgrades or augments and if you don't pay they come after you. That's what it seems like. Made me think of repo man. I thought it was going to be a reprimand and I don't mean like the punk classic repo man. I mean like the graphic novel. Okay. And then later movie not as good as graphic novel. I love also how they the year 2000 to the title of the movie that you know it's good. Yes. Yeah. It doesn't say that on the trailer. That's on the okay. It's because they have it they remade it later. Okay. So that's 2000 trailer. And then replacements with candle reels playing football. It's a bunch of special needs characters go and play football. You're really good at it. Are you saying all football players have concussions? No it's making me think of the the Johnny and Oxfell film that almost has the same title, the replacements or whatever. I just thought it was all Olympics. Yeah. The ringer. What the fuck we get ice cream? No I took a note of this. It's like you get Gene Hackman playing a coach. That's always going to be gold. Have you not seen the replacements? It's been a while. I haven't. It's a good movie. Oh okay. As far as I remember it like starts off with like a police trace and drugs or whatever in the beginning. And this is how they all get like. Is there anyone in there robbing the banks with president mask on? Oh probably that's a good mercy. I've seen that one. That's called the replacement. Oh okay. That's like the band. It's like what the band daughter and daughters are two totally different bands. Yeah. Starring Johnny Oklahoma. Yeah. The remake was better. So when was Johnny good boys name Johnny good boy? When did they call him good boy? I don't know. He just goes. He's going to be honest here. I could not follow this. I do not necessarily stand by 16 year old me's this movie that I've had anymore. So I stole this and absent from IMDB because holy shit. How are you going to I was like this is like four paragraphs. That seems way more doable. Are you claiming that the story of battlefield earth is discombobulating? Yeah. Are you saying it's logic is flawed? Fine. We could forget it and we could piece it together as a team or I can read this four paragraphs from somebody else. I see here's the thing I don't get about it. I don't know when this is after earth has been this is there's a title scroll which we all miss. I did not pay attention to it because I was like I did not know there's reading in this assignment. The year 3000 the worst ever the worst ever or co-ed shower scene in this also. - What? - Huh? - When they get hose down in prison? - What is your, like, - It's co-ed. - It's not as good as Starship Troopers. - Not really. - Yeah, I'm scale of one to 10. Starship Troopers is probably a 10, you know, a turkey sheet would be like a, - This is a Z-Cher. - A turkey sheet would be somewhere in the middle and this is a zero. Rambo, and then, - Yeah. - Oh, we got our scale. - And we got about two. - Rambo, the Rambo scene where you see some, I don't know if you see Dawn or not, but that would be like a, close to zero also. - Yeah, dizzy, dizzy makes us. - What is Super Troopers where Farva shows he's going? That's a, that's a, - That's a nine. That is a nine when it gets deloused. - I'm so proud of that man without, he's got the little big dog and he's so, he did it, he did it. - Yeah, because you were, they were doing a standup and he's like, he didn't think they got it on the camera or something like that and they go back and review it. And they're like, that's my dong and it's like, we're keeping it in there. Keep it in the movie. - Such a good film. - What? - Two was an out better. That is definitely. - I've seen two and I can't remember anything about it 'cause I erased it from my mind. It's a lot like, shit, what is it? The model, Supermodel one. - Okay, moving on. - Blue steel, - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Zoolander. - Zoolander two and also Inker Man two. I've erased them from my mind. - Inker Man two, there is a part where I was like, was nobody like, wow, this is getting offensive. This is getting a little racist to like, give back it up. - Okay, no. - But any who. - Back on track. - Not every sequel. I think on sci-fi and like action, a lot of times you can be like, the sequel is crazy. It's weird. Comedy's, they just dropped the ball. It's a lot easier to be awesome when you're trying to up everything and like a sci-fi action film. - We just need more explosions. That last guy had three arms. We need sits in this one. - Yeah, I think trying to be funnier than when you were funny just kind of kills it. - Yeah, unless you're Eddie Murphy, you can pull it off, but not many people can. - I don't wanna see the meal bit again or bearfucker. Hilaries, yes, but I've already seen 'em. - That's the problem with a lot of the comedies who come out with the second one is they repeat too many of the same jokes and then try to like write on top of them and it just doesn't work. - Yeah, hardly ever. - Comedy's hard, I think anyways. But let's get into this. We'll see where it is. Johnny Goodboy Tyler and a group of cave dwellers in the Rocky Mountains in the year 3000. - Oh. - I got a sling list for green over. 3,080. - That's right. I remember now the scroll, the 3,000. In the year 3000. - Are terrified of the demons, the cyclone. Cyclose? Cyclose. Whatever, this stupid. That control the planet after questioning their accounts, Johnny arrives into lowlands and is shown a baron of overgrown cities by Hunter, Carlo, and I thought they were gonna just rob him right away and they turned out to be like good people. - It was like you guys food, huh? - I'll show you the city. Come with me. - You got some food there, huh? Well anyway, that's what we're going to look for. So bye. - I was like, wait, what? It was like, oh, you don't have a hunt. I got some right here. Our favorite rats. - Let's be friends. Show me the gods. - Dude, it was definitely Imdak Shalmlawn's the village when he attacks that giraffe or whatever. - No. - Like, yeah. It's like some old world cutout toy or something, he freaks out, and he's getting attacked by a dragon. But as he explores it, he is taken as a slave to the base. He runs into like glass, and he's so confused by it. They're in a momma shabby momma. And a slave base in the ruins of Denver didn't catch that part. After being captured by the demons and vicious, and vicious alien species, known as cyclos, the cyclos are giving a breathing, given a breathable atmosphere by the massive dome that covers the base. Didn't catch that. Did you guys catch that? - Yeah, yeah. - I caught it later in the film. - Well, 'cause I think they, when they were outside capturing the man animals or the man monkeys, whatever they call them. - Did you notice that the man animals sound like monkeys to the cyclos? - Yes. - But that's how language works. That's how it does in this stupid film. There's two things I'd like to pick up on. Yeah, I saw them with the breathing apparatus things on their nose, which I think does a really neat look, and I think. - Yeah, but they don't make any sense. Especially compared to the cover of the book. And number two, anytime a post-apocalyptic world has a fat character in it, and overweight character, if you wanna be nice, I go, "Mm, that's, come on, casting." - Oh, as the human character? - Yes. - Yeah, what? - It is really, really scarce. It just doesn't make sense. - They're like desperately looking for bunnies or whatever they can get, and then they got a character that's like pushing 300 pounds, and I'm like, "What are, what?" - And I'm not, I don't think anybody would be ripped either. It'd be a lot of fun. - No, you'd be in "Mount Nutrit." - Yeah, maybe fit because you're constantly moving and doing stuff. - Yeah, I mean, maybe if you were had a continuous food source, but even still then, it'd probably just be protein, nuts, and fruits. I doubt it. No, I mean, I just don't like it. I'm like, I don't understand it. - A lot of malnourished, gassy folks with rotten teeth. - Yeah, well, yeah, the teeth would definitely, and one of the first humans they show in this is the girl, and she's got a perfect perm on and makeup. I go, "What are we doing?" - Yeah, it's like their cavemen again. - But the super advanced aliens all have jacked up teeth. They've all got like, grime and nasty shit in their teeth, and I go, "What the fuck are we doing here?" - Maybe that's how-- - But that's the world they like to fill. - Maybe filth is like their-- what makes you attractive. - They're beauty stares. - Their teeth are gross for-- I would assume, usually the more advanced you get, the more clean you get in the minds of humans. Like, I don't feel like that really changed until Georgia was just a star wars. If you guys didn't know who made Star Wars. - Oh, I've never heard of that. I don't know if you've got research. - Yeah, so I just wanted to make sure you guys all knew that. - No one has any opinions on Star Wars either. - No. - No. - No. - Anyway, that was my two things. And it is weird kind of seeing Kim Coats here, kind of like young and attractive, by the way. I'm used to him playing the awful character in almost everything. - He does play an unhinged kind of, almost like a drug addict sort of character who walks that line really well. I mean, extremely well. - Yeah, he plays in a water world if you guys have ever seen that. He's pretty good in that. - Yeah, I'm a part of it. - Unfortunately. - Continue. - What is wrong with us tonight? - Continue. - Tyrell, the high born Earth security chief is interested in Johnny because he's resourceful 'cause he killed him. He's like, I'm not gonna believe that a man and a man was shouting, but I have to write a report and I can't put that in unless I see it. Give him the gun. - By the way, one of the worst head security leaders I've ever seen, he's like, what do you mean a man animal actually learned how to just simply pull a trigger and point it at you? I mean, I know we're super intelligent and took down the humans a thousand years ago and they probably had guns at the time, but you know what, we forgot about that. So just give him a gun, I don't believe you. Oh, he's that? - Yeah. - Yeah, this guy, yeah, Tyrell, he reminds me of some people I've encountered over the years who kind of have the unholy Trinity of like characteristics that like people and leadership should not have where it's like, it's the combination of arrogance, ignorance and malice. - Yeah, the just smart enough to not be stupid, but they're stupid. - Stupid leadership? - Stupid and malicious. - That's what I'm saying the whole time about these man animals. - In the United States? - Oh, this never happened. - I mean, I'm thinking of how stupid they think man animals are. He knows that it took nine minutes to conquer the world, which is a long time, nine minutes forever. But it took him nine minutes to conquer the earth. And he knows that we had weapons that we were fighting them back. - I hopefully the book explains how they defeated us so quickly, you know, like was it like a world pandemic? - It was the gas. - So it was a gas, okay, I missed that and the thing I didn't pay attention to. - Yeah, 'cause I got the gas drones. He's like, but when we destroy them, they'll send in the gas drones. Not if we destroy the planet. - Oh, that's right. - Yeah, I didn't know what those were and I didn't care. Like, I didn't understand it, but when he said it, I was like, oh, that makes sense. You conquer a planet real fast if you just poison everybody. - And by the way, like, I thought it was hilarious when they're like, oh yeah, yeah, radiation like immediately causes them to die or whatever. And then Barry Pepper's like, we all bought, we get radiation poisoning. And I'm like, wait, so they just die. Their atmosphere dies instantly and explodes. - Yeah, did you watch the end of the movie? - That's my thing. I was just like, so you're telling me that they eliminated us in nine minutes and we didn't have time to hit 'em with a nuke. - Yeah, but they were on our planet then. We would have tried it. We don't give a shit. - Yeah, what are you getting? - We used to just have fun with 'em. - There's like 45 guys in the United States military that's probably just like, I'll nuke anything. What do you got? Just like, no. John, we are not gonna nuke anything. - Oh, you don't, do you think we still need Toledo? I've never been there, have you? - Honestly. - What? - I'm sick. - Like half of Canada's not used, right? It's cold, nuke it. No! - All right, set tariffs on 'em. No! Until now. - I got something about tariffs after that. - Nope, nope, nope, nope. - I know. - After this. - Just us amongst your self listeners, tariffs. What do you think? - All right, yeah, he likes it. And then he also wins the respect of the human slaves. I don't know, I know nobody would listen to him. That one guy says, "I first hear him, then he punched him "and throw." That's not how that works. - Hit him hard, hit him fast. - Yep. And then a visiting supervisor informs Toledo. That he will be punished by offer and appending a politic. No, politician by having his temporary assignment on Earth extended indefinitely. That's seen as a fever dream. - I would never extend it five cycles. I'm extending it. 50, 50, 50. Just keeps repeating it. - Yeah, it's, and the thing is, is like they have Dutch tilts, Dutch angles throughout this entire film. All these fucking like filtered lights everywhere. This whole movie feels like a fever dream. Who decided? That was a good idea. Like you use it sometimes sparingly to like show confusion. That's why Dutch tilts are made. Dutch angles became very popular in the 90s and 2000s. - Ah, fun fact. Cinematographer Giles Nudgeon has gone on record saying that the overuse of color filters in Dutch angles wasn't his idea and that he was given the smallest lighting budget he had ever worked with. - Good Lord. - Well, that fun fact was already covered. - This movie's a fucking Ponzi scheme. - Most likely. Right, yeah. And then, standing indefinitely, he and his helper Kerr come up with a plan and desperate attempt to get away. They are aware of a newly discovered gold deposit in the region with a high radiation rate. Love us. I can't read well. Remember Brad, when you asked why I don't read books. - Yeah. - You're now seeing. See, in notes, in notes less is more. You just do an outline. Like just look at my water world. There's just like little lines here. It's like, peeing in a bucket or peeing in something and just let your shirt. - Radiation causes their air mixture to explode, but that's like close. I mean, there's like three very good books. Who have been reporting losses from their mining or operations value gold together with Kerr or Tartel, will teach people how to extract the gold. Man animals can't learn. They can't use tools. - These aliens are so stupid. Like just, it, to see like, if I handed a chimpanzee a gun and he shot someone, I wouldn't be surprised because it's just pulling a trigger. Now, if they were sitting there like professionally aiming at them, I was like, oh, they're not gonna do that. - Like we did when they invaded us? - Yeah, like I just, this movie's so stupid. Like I just can't believe this script was chosen. Now, when I found out more about what was going on with this, a lot of this makes a lot more sense and I'll talk about it at the end. Part of me wishes this wasn't like a fucking giant scan that they put on with this movie because it's more like they stole money from people. Just keep going. I'll fucking explain later. - Fine, we're good. I think we're good. This movie is so confusing. Then they put Johnny in a learning machine and then they go to rescue Johnny and they pull him out. He's like, put me back in the Matrix, bro. I'm learning. And then they shove him back in. And then they, where I'll take some of the Denver library, I mean, no, that was fucking good. I thought it was like the library of Congress. And he's like, this is a world's knowledge. This was your people. You guys suck. It took nine minutes for us to kill you. - I know, you know how knowledge is power and he just takes into a library and then shoves knowledge in his mind. And then he reads the Declaration of Independence backwards. - There you go. - That's talent. - Yeah, it says after reading the Declaration of Independence, he's motivated to pursue both escape and compromise. - So basically at this point, so before he understood, before any humans understood what the bike clothes, their language, they basically sound like Sautocar from Dune like, (imitates bike sound) - You know, - Which I, that's how that would work. That's probably how they sound. - Yeah. But then they made humans sound like monkeys. - Well, yeah, because we're supposed to be stupid and we, we, other than humans, I don't know if humans actually just think, you know, chimpanzees and other type of primates are just stupid. I just think like, oh, well, they don't have the same communication skills. But I'm sure there's someone out there who's like, ah, monkeys are dumb. - That monkey sounds like we hear that monkey to other monkeys. - And by the way, I would like to point out that like, you know, chimpanzees, apes and all this stuff, there's, you know, quote unquote, you know, lesser intelligent, but at least they get more strength and stuff like that. How come the humans are still just as weak? Like we don't become like super cool or anything, a little stronger, a little tougher. No, we're still just this fucking mash meat potato bag, fucking less bad. - We can't all have Brad's physique. - Yeah, we have a question too. So I remember I was in the, Neil deGrasse Tyson, wasn't Neil deGrasse Tyson one time and he was talking about, you know, how encounters with aliens might go. And he's like, you know, we are basically 2% smarter than chimpanzees, right? So if we, we all doubt the smartest chimpanzee in the world are going to be like, whoa, that's a cute little trick there. So imagine if the aliens are coming, like they will allow their 2% smarter and we will like someone like Stephen Hawking and it's like, oh, that's a cute little party trick there. Oh, how, how precious that little human can is a little bit smarter than everyone else, the humans. - Quick question. When they meet Stephen Hawking, is it on or off Epstein's Island? - Hopefully on, hopefully on, but you know, we'll see, I don't know. - Too soon? - Too soon? - I don't know. - Little. - Oh, no. - Oh no. (laughing) - Oh, that wasn't there. - This isn't the making, this isn't the making fun of Stephen Hawking podcasts. - I forgot that. - That's the other one. - Yeah, that's next week. - Yeah, it's next week. - Whatever, they put him that lighting machine and then they have him fly, oh yeah, he discovers his girlfriend because he's like, you guys are idiots, but you could fucking draw. This you and her drawing, this you, this stick figure, you isn't it? - Isn't it? - I got this. - I got this, lots of collar on her. - Like, I mean, this movie's full of stupid things. So it's kind of, I'm gonna show you on very good. I'm gonna shoot the legs off these cows. - But how was it not made? How has this not made fun of in South Park because it's just like, look how good a draw they are. And I'm like, what are we, are you kidding? Like, there's no shade. Are you, what are you doing? Come on guys. What are we doing? - And then like, they're little wild friends. Come out of nowhere and like attack them. I don't even know if that's this part of the movie. I'm going off. They're, so eventually they get, he gets trained how to fly. But he puts them in the flight simulator and he crashes you. You crash this again. I'm gonna kill everybody. It's like, well, you just learned how to speak our language. We thought you were completely incompetent. 12 minutes ago. Learn how to fly or I'll kill you. - So you telling me these super advanced aliens don't have like autopilot on their jets. They have to actually teach a human how to fly. That could come back and hurt them in the, in the later. - I get it. Elrond Hubbard didn't write about AI assisted flying machines. But we had the idea in 2000. Terminator 1984 did a better job of predicting the future. - I stayed back to 1965 with Frank Herbert's dude where he goes into that, the thinking machines. - Elrond Hubbard started religion though, so. - That takes some charisma. - Yeah, that does. That's it. - He gets them to where they fly to the vein that they discovered. And then at the vein, they freak out. They're like, where is she? - I got to get out, tuck and roll grandma, and then let's them go hang out by themselves. Well, me watching you. But, and then they're like, we don't have enough people to split up, but then there are other wild people come in and then they split up and then they find nukes and fortnocks. - I don't. - Did this movie's a mess? - I love it when they give them the bricks. You know, they're like, hey, look, we made the raw gold into bricks and he's like, you've got time to smelten. - Yeah, we had extra time. - We need all this gold done in seven days then. It's like, whoa. I don't, you couldn't even break up. Well, I guess it'd be really hard to break up the gold bars. I don't know, I just think. - And it still weapons. And then John Travolta's code for his vault was just as it says, do not use your ID number and they're like, what's an ID number? And they find it. And they type it in there. Like, yeah, he's a smart one. - That's true. - You know what I do? - I don't know. - I'd melt those gold bars into like the shape of like, weeners and stuff like that. Like, give it to him. This is like, you know, weeners. - If I had Jeff Bezos, if I had Jeff Bezos money, I would make a gold-plated dildo and send it to you guys. Just like, if we ever quit the podcast, I'd be like, guys, it's over, go fuck yourselves. (laughing) - Then I go get it. it smelted down. She melted. But then they just they figure out a plan to like blow up the dome, kill everybody. Have their revolts. These sophisticated, huge aliens can't handle humans. He's like, oh, we can't go out of the rocks and spears. They will think it's a threat. So I got to teach people how to fly jets. And he goes, yeah, it's just like training a horse. Is it? And then all of a sudden, man animals come up with like 40 jets. Jet fuel goes bad eventually. It's same thing in the water world, but water world has already got some other cooler stuff. Yeah, not to mention everyone's a literate and people who fly those jets go through years of training before they can actually go out there and execute those maneuver. And yet, maybe they're driving slow, maybe not very high. So they don't got to be that skilled. But then are you guys claiming the logic in battlefield earth is bad? Yeah, it's terrible. And then they're hovering in a half like destroyed building hovering those those jets. It's like, you know, maybe they could figure out how to go like kind of fly one. You'll crash a few of them. A few people will die. No, there are experts in these jets. Yeah, you guys, you guys love top gun. You got your top gun in this. These screams on his buddy blows up. No, like, how do you know that it's your buddy blowing up in that? I mean, they're all your buddies, but you know, it's just a jet. You just seen these 24 hours. What you don't see is all the mini screens in front of him of all his friends. Oh, it's like in Star Fox. Yes, exactly. They X out. And he's like, no, Justin and Skull. I think I can't think of anything else in this movie. It is awful. I made a mistake. 16 year old me is an idiot. And it might have been fun if I was joking with friends, but it is bad. Just thinking about all the logical things. So this is, let's just say a thousand years in the future because the movie came out in 2000 and made it in 3000 thousand years in the future. So the tanks and everything they reveal, I'll let them the gold bars, Fort Knox, everything like that. Fine, fine. We'll say that it all existed and that they could get right in apparently with ease. The jets still running on the jet fuel completely absurd. Sure, sure, sure. But what really gets me is if you think about it, these pilots and the jets that they're fighting, we have to assume our experts because I'm assuming this corporate corporation might cut costs a little bit. They think the man animals aren't going to have to do anything. So maybe they're not the highest. They send a good train. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, which they're going to be on different planets when they blow up their planet. They're still going to be other ones on other planets. So maybe they're like commercial pilots who are just like, you know, kind of drunk on the job and got fired. And this is the only job they can get. Fine, they can take them down with jets, everything like that. Still completely absurd that they could train and like train in like 14 days to fly these things when they don't even know how to read. And then they just like the the the cyclos don't shoot things right away. They like stare at things. Like the guys just sitting there with a big old new that teleported to their planet and they're walking up like, what's this human doing here? Instead of on just like, God, God, kill it. Why is it there? I would like to say, do they not feel pain? The aliens? When is I'm not blown off and he just keeps slapping it? Well, you had, you know, I don't even get blown off and he just walks away. He just walks away fine. He's like, all right, fine on me in two hours. Yeah, that was weird. And then John Travolta's arm getting blown off. And he just like, when humans get hurt, especially the, you know, berry peppers character, I mean, they're screaming. They're out, you know, it's just like hurts. There's pain. They show pain. They don't, the aliens, it moat no pain. Because they're cyclos. It's just so weird. Like if they maybe would explain that they evolved the past feeling pain, but the whole point of pain is to let you know something's wrong. So you stop doing what you're doing and repair yourself. I don't really say that's the how I take it. I don't know. I just think it's so weird. But I got another thing in this that we skipped right over because we didn't have time. But now we have to pause. Kelly Presley's character that is barely in this movie is so over the top absurd. Who the hell is that? That is John Travolta's wife. She is the one who he hired as a secretary who is the long tongue. Yeah, yeah, with the tattooed forehead and everything. Yeah, because when I first saw this movie, I, and even probably the second time, I actually, I knew who Kelly Presley was. She was the girl who was nude and, and really go into town on Tom Cruise's wing wing and John and Jerry, um, Jamie Gawyer. Yeah, I got like 40 of those. Yeah. So I, I remember her from that scene. And then she was in this. I did not know that they were married until later in life. And then you know, it sucks that she passed away from breast cancer. I think right around when the pandemic started. So that was weird. It sucks. I just like her character comes in, gives him the disc and then does this whole lick thing with the CGI. I'm like, we're gonna have a house and a family together. He's like, she's pretty enough and stupid enough. Wow. So I just, that was one scene. I mean, there's so much to go through that we don't have time and how ridiculous this is because it's every scene. Yeah, it's like, there's not a single moment of this movie where you're like, oh, that's normal. I'm, I'm just saying like all these lines to her that are so badly quotable that are also funny in this movie. I just can't figure out if this movie's a comedy because it just seems like they're purposely putting things in here that are awful. And like, I never thought he would reach a film like that. I never thought John Travolta would reach the low point like he did in this film until he came out with a fanatic. And then I was just like, wow, the first bar scene. Whereas like, you didn't get the promotion. Well, no shit. I'm still here. And then he's like, put it on my tab. You don't have a tab. I do now. As he like walks away. What do you mean he does I have a tab? He's like one of the leaders. Should he even pay? I mean, because he could just, he's one of the head to he's the head of security. And there's not that many positions above him in this the one guy, but like fat neck guy. So my gosh, the guy who's like a hiding that they're actually making a profit. So then he's paying the workers less. See a fat neck. I don't know. This is this is a cautionary tale of capitalism. Is this a pro Scientology? I think like the very low trust society there and they're all kind of stealing from each other. Yeah. Yeah, but we've seen that in other movies and they do it that I was trying to figure out like were they were reflecting the same thing that like humans became greedy and stupid. And that's why they fell and you know, like these aliens are doing the same thing. I couldn't figure out if they were trying to say more in this film, but it's just so badly constructed that it's hard to actually make out because I just couldn't I couldn't figure out what the I was like, this is so bad. This is this is such a dreadful watch by yourself. Like I would rather watch water world twice than ever rewatch this again alone. Now if I was watching it with a party in a theater, this movie be amazing. Yeah, like a small theater drinks. Yeah, everyone will be yelling at the screen. I graduated top of my academy, you know, like just the overtop Shakespearean bullshit that he's trying. He's the only one that talks like that. Again, yeah. And then force Whitaker's character is just such a moron. Yeah, he's like a bumbling fool. Yeah. And then but still at the end, you trained me well. Yeah. I love that scene though. And he's like, who'd you give it to? The prostitute is like, nope. You give it to the mechanic. He's like, not even close. Was it the bartender? They like choke some of his drink. I do kind of want those drinks. I'd love to have those as a party. You know, like just I don't know how we did three foot tall. Yeah, they just look like a bomb. I don't know how we would get the liquid that color. I guess we'd have to have some like what was the like ooze color from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, well figured out. Ectoplasm. It was just Ectoplasm in vodka. That's what it was. Was it Ectopoolers? I don't know, but that's what I'm hoping. That's what how we would make it. Okay, awesome. That's how we're doing it. Buying expired Ectopoolers. Getting superpowers. We're getting gills. Fellas. Just like water world gills. Maybe. All right. That's all I have to say about it with the movie. Now, what I'll say because I see a list of awards. I know you probably want to get to. So the whole Ponzi scheme I was talking about was I forget the production companies. It was like franchise production or something. There was a watch. There was like. Yeah. So what happened was is they took a bunch of investors money and said the budget was $44 million. It was not. And investors went out of their way and said we're going to sue you. So they proved it in court. You tell me it was like $10 million. Oh, I I don't know, but it was much, there was estimations that people say it was about half this. And they hired some of the cheapest everything they could get. >> Yeah, the cheapest lighting budget that guy has ever had. >> So basically TV show level that they barely pulled off like in the, you know, center to the, and you could tell what they were using matte paintings in 2000. >> Yeah, it's fat. >> So that was one of the giveaway signs. I was like, there's matte paintings in this. Okay, and then a lot of the city CGI was got awful. And yeah, they sued them and instead of the company paying back the investors, they could just claim bankruptcy because they said they didn't have the money to do it. So there we go, it was a complete scam. >> Like something else. >> Yeah, oh, yeah. >> Yeah. >> What are you referring to, Chris? >> I don't know, I like my dog. >> So I know. >> Don't get those people after us. And you know who I'm talking about, Humane Society. >> People that read. >> I thought you were. >> People that know, they don't have dyslexia and know how to read good. >> I thought you were talking slow words fans. >> Good or English? >> This school needs to be at least three times the same. >> What is this school for? >> It's this. >> It's at least three times this. >> All right, we got more, we got more here for the fun facts. So who's going to say them? >> John Travolta, basically referring to the film as Mike Star Wars episode four, but better. And the Shindler's List of science fiction films during publicity. That's, we could really get a walk that back. >> I was like, wow, like Star Wars and then I read the Shindler's List. And I was like, that's- >> I never in my- >> Can we make, sorry to interrupt. Can we make Battlefield air shirts that just says at the bottom? >> The Shindler's List of science fiction films. >> Stickers, dude. >> I need to learn how to make- >> What I think of like Star Wars, I'm like, you know what, this would cross overwhelm with nicely would be Shindler's List. >> Okay, I need to make that a- >> No sticker, I gotta- >> Oh, wow. >> Continue. >> They could decide on how many fingers the cyclos have, some have like five and some have six. Sometimes it alternates between scenes, whether they have five or six fingers, seems like a- >> If they can oversight to me. >> This list of awards. So you remember 2003, the Oscar season, Return of the King, winning everything- >> So they won like- They won 16 awards or 26 and were nominated for four. I had that in there somewhere, but I accidentally deleted it. >> But this is basically the inverse of Return of the King at the Academy Awards in 2003. Just think of the exact opposite. And this is what the hall, that battlefielders came away with at the Razi Awards in 2010, or 2001, I should say, sorry. >> Yep. >> It goes 2000 to- >> Oh, they were getting awards back to- Yep, all the way up to 2010, worst picture of the decade. >> Yeah, so in 2000, they got winner's stinker award, we're seeing- or worse sense of direction, stop them before they direct again. >> [LAUGH] >> And then, 2001, they won Razzies for worst screenplay, worst director, worst supporting actress, worst supporting actor, worst supporting actress, worst actor, worst picture, and then '05, they got worst drama of the- our first 25 years of a Razzie. And then '10, they got worst picture of the decade, but I do it twice. They got worst picture of the decade. >> Well, we'll just erase that now, you didn't even find it the next. >> [LAUGH] >> That's great. >> It is- >> It's gonna by far the worst film ever, and I have been proven wrong, and I admit that. >> No, I feel, I feel somewhat blessed in a way to have gotten to see this movie, because now I have something to compare to, and every time you watch something new, it imprints on your mind, and you're a little bit different, and you appreciate the things you have more in life. I can't say that I accidentally, I was about to cough, and I accidentally mute at Chris's mic instead of my- >> Yeah, I looked up, and I was like, what the hell? >> That was an accident, I'm sorry I couldn't get to it quick enough. [LAUGH] Just say- >> We're not gonna mute me. >> Yeah, but it's pretty funny. Yeah, that's quite a sweep there. So do we recommend battlefield earth? >> We said the only way you should watch this. >> Yeah, that's a- >> That's what I would just say. I do not recommend this. >> It's pretty fucking bad. >> It's awesome. >> We had to watch it with some friends, and some of your weird friends too. >> Yeah. >> But you're also gonna have parts that are just so boring even with friends. >> Yeah, you're just waiting for the next ridiculous scene to- Luckily, the film to me, yes, it's really slow, but I think as a group, you've got enough to just hold on, because you could just have conversations of what the hell are we doing. >> Yeah. >> But we've said that enough. Let's move on to the museum. [MUSIC] >> This was the second time I've had to reclaim my property from you. >> That belongs in a museum. >> So do you. >> This is the part of the show where we go out in the film jungle, like Indy and bring something back to our head. It's not that bad. >> Yeah. >> Except it is in this case. Chris, you picked it, you get to go first. The training, the ship training, the CGI where he's flying through. I love that. You know, I love really shitty late '90s, early 2000s. Futuristic shitty sci-fi stuff. >> Yeah. >> I love that. I love that little part. >> Brad, what do you got? >> Leverage, the word leverage. How many times do these aliens taunt each other over having leverage over each other? >> The backbone of their society. >> I learned in grade school. >> Constantly, he keeps talking about leverage and he keeps talking about him at the academy. It's just so much. >> For my name's even old quote from Charlie Mungerry. So like smart men getting trouble in three ways. Licker, ladies and leverage. >> [LAUGH] >> The three else, as opposed to the five s's. >> It's pretty good, I like that. I'm going to put in the way the berry pepper and most of the humans, but mostly berry pepper shoots the gun. He always turns it upside down. >> Or he shoots it sideways, but he runs with it upside down. >> Well, no, he was firing it with upside down. >> Okay. >> Because he holds it too hand in to shoot it this time. >> Yeah, it's weird. I don't know why it does it, but it's kind of like a reflection of this backward ass film. >> Or is it saying like their hands just don't fit it, right? >> I don't know. >> Maybe it's- >> I don't know. >> I don't know either. You know how it is, you're not strong enough so you have to use two fingers to hit the nail gun. >> Maybe. >> Maybe. >> But if you want to stock real of berry pepper shooting and it being awesome, just watch "Saving Private Ryan." >> The better, much, much better film. >> What do you mean, he wasn't in that? He was in "Slighters and Vipers." >> Well, that's what he's known for, but yeah. >> Yeah, it's on PW. >> [LAUGH] >> Well, don't also forget, Snitch from 2013 with the Rock. >> Yeah. >> How long? >> How could you forget? >> Please write your mirrors in 61 if I remember right. >> Yeah, he's, you know, another really good, really good one. He had quite a run in the 2000s. >> Yeah, like one of these guys in here played person staffer. I don't know who that is, but it was Michael Bryan. >> It was really fun clicking in and being like, I don't know for Indiana Jones, Braveheart, things in New York. Tomorrow, number dice. All right, what did this guy make the sucks? You just go down. Man, this guy hasn't really made anything that's awful. A dyno topia? That's a bad one. >> Yeah, there we go. >> And then Battlefield Earth, known for Battlefield Earth, or the Holocaust on trial. That doesn't sound like a good movie. >> You know, funny thing is, I've actually heard that I try to get back to a quote here. I've actually heard that Battlefield Earth is the shinler's list of science fiction films. So I think, I think we're fine. >> I think this is a crazy back-to-back recording for us. It is time for bad, I think. >> Okay. Well, come back next week. We will be doing Brad's Brad. >> It might shock you, but it is 1989's shocker. West Craven's shocker. >> Is this known as, like, a West Craven bomb? >> Because I always think of curse or whatever that with a werewolf movie when it comes to him. >> The curse? >> Yeah, the curse. >> I know it didn't get the highest rating, so that was kind of our, like, >> It's not that bad. I know as far as West Craven movies goes, it's definitely not considered his best work. >> Yeah, I didn't know because I've only seen it one time, and I remember being unhinged and fun. >> It was on TV a lot. I remember enjoying it. >> Yeah, when I watched it the first time, yeah, I can't remember when I watched it the first time, probably in the 90s, and I was like, maybe that was back in my teenage. >> It was on, like, Fox a lot. >> I might have watched this in my contrarian era when I would just thought everything that, like, other people didn't like. I would think it was cool automatically, so I don't remember anyone liking this. I'm like, okay, I'd like it now. >> What do you mean you don't like Magnolia? You're not smart enough? >> [LAUGH] >> What's funny about this is I was looking, because occasionally, you know, I look at the movies and I'm like, shocker, I don't think I own that. So I'll look at my DVDs and videos. >> Our noodles. >> I looked over it and I'm like, I have shocker on screen factory, or the screen factories version. I don't think I've ever watched it. I think I bought it. it on a sale, you know, like when they were down to like $10 and then I just put it in my right, I've never watched it. I bought it. I bought it and it came with the tape and I sent the tape to Scott from horror movie nights. Mr. Scott Roger. Yeah. Yeah. So it will be nice to watch this. I don't know when the Shocker DVD or Blu-ray or whatever came out, but I don't think it was, that's probably quite a while ago. Anyway, I've got it. It was cheap and I forgot about it. So that's fun. So come back next week when we're watching the Shocker and remember to be kind and rewind. Then rewind. You're listening to the Geekscape Network.