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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to The How. Not just grow. Your kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Because today we are talking about something I get asked about constantly. Back chat. That moment when your child rolls their eyes, snaps back at you, or says something so spectacularly rude that you're left standing there wondering, where did I go wrong? And here's the first thing I want to say. You haven't gone wrong. Back chat is not a sign of failure. It's actually, I would say, a signal. And today I want to help you to decode it. So, what back chat is really about. Let's start with that. And it's not just a teen thing. We tend to associate back chat and boundary pushing with the teenage years. Or more recently, the tweens. Certainly what I see in my work is that this pattern of behavior is not limited to any particular age. It's much more about what is going on inside your child's internal world than about any specific developmental stage. So, if you have a five-year-old who's suddenly full of attitude, or a seven-year-old who seems to have a comeback for almost everything you say, this episode is for you. So, let's think about. Let's think about what the real reason might be behind it. And I believe that children, you know, I talk a lot. In essence, children are, as I often say, mini adults in the making. Just as we do, they also have a very deep and fundamental need to feel some level of control over their own lives. To make decisions, to have their voice heard, and to feel that they matter. Now, when that need goes unmet, that need doesn't disappear. It just simply finds another way out. And very often, that way out looks a lot like backchat. Now, research backs this up, supports it pretty powerfully. So, self-determination theory, which is one of the most well-established frameworks when we look at developmental psychology, which is basically the development of our children, it identifies that autonomy, that desire to feel that you can act as an individual, on your world, is one of three core psychological needs that every human being has, from toddlerhood all the way through to adulthood. So, when children's sense of autonomy is frustrated, we see exactly the kinds of behaviours that drive us all as parents to distraction. Defiance, arguing, emotional dysregulation, and yes, backchat. So, here's the thing that often gets me, backchat is rarely, genuinely, just about rudeness. It is almost always a child communicating something that they don't yet have the words for, or the emotional vocabulary for, to be able to express it directly. So, it could be, I'm overwhelmed, I feel like nothing I say matters, I need you to hear me. These feelings come out sideways, as in, you never listen to me, or a door slam, or a cutting remark, or an eye roll. The behaviour is the symptom, the feeling underneath it is the message that we're missing, the message that we want to pick up on. And there's an aspect of the family dynamic that plays a big role as well. So, backchat doesn't happen in isolation. It is shaped by the communication patterns and the power dynamics within our family. You know, I will always be honest with you, and you know I'll always say it with love. When the dominant message a child receives is, you are the child, I am the adult, you will do what I say, there is very little room to be heard. Now, I'm not saying that we might do that explicitly, but we do that in the way that we communicate, either verbally, or in our body language, or the way that things play out at home. So, the pressure that the child feels of unexpressed needs then ends up building up, and eventually, it has to go somewhere. And this doesn't mean that you as a parent have to become a pushover, or that your children get to decide what happens, or we just simply hand our child the reins they get to choose. It's quite the opposite. But it does mean shifting from a pure power dynamic to one that is built on mutual respect, where your authority as the parent is still firmly in place, but your child also feels genuinely secure. So, let's just cover what else might also be going on before I then share my usual top five strategies. So, the other things that might be going on before we go on to these practical tips is I want to make sure that we're not missing anything, because sometimes backchat is about autonomy and communication, and sometimes there are other layers worth considering. And I just want to cover five. So, the first one could be stress and overwhelm. Children who are under pressure, whether that's academic pressure, or socially, or at home, have less emotional bandwidth than those who don't. So, when the tank is running low, when their bucket is full, small frustrations spill over into big reactions. So, if backchat has suddenly spiked, it's worth asking yourself, what else might be going on for my child right now? Can I just sit with that? Are there other things that could also be playing into this in relation to my child? Not just in terms of their autonomy and communication, but potentially stress and overwhelm. So, that's one. Number two, you know this one's coming, and I'm saying it with love, is modelling. Our children are watching us constantly. So, how do we handle frustration, disagreement, or being told no? How do we speak to our partner, our own parents, customer service, engineers who come to the house, people at work, if we're working from home? Children are watching us constantly. They can absorb these patterns and they then replicate them. It's not comfortable thought, I know, but it is an important one. So, when we do that, what might be going on in my child's world, it's also reflecting what might be going on in my world in terms of how I model this, which may well be being picked up by my child. The third one can be just a straightforward mismatch of expectations. So, sometimes children push back because we don't consistently apply or we're not really clear on what we're doing. Or we're not really clear on what the rules are. So, the rules aren't entirely clear or because what the rule seems to be tends to shift. So, inconsistency is genuinely confusing and it can then breed and lead to frustration and defiance. So, again, ask ourselves, when we're getting those eye rolls, when we're getting that back chat, is it to do with rules that are not entirely clear that we're looking to reinforce or are the rules really clear, but we're being, inconsistent in our reinforcement and our application of them? That's number three. Number four is about developmental leap. So, at certain points in development, sort of around the ages of two to three, seven to eight, early adolescence and mid-teens, children's brains are rewiring rapidly. So, the emotional centers as part of that rewiring are particularly activated. So, increased back chat during those particular windows is often a sign of spiritual growth because of the brain, what's going on with the brain in terms of the development rather than regression. So again, just check in. We're talking about it being autonomy and communication, but it could equally be one of these five as well. And they'll all be considered when I talk to you about the top strategies. But I think sometimes when we're able to really look at what might be going on under the hood, it can often help us be a little bit more understanding of why we're getting it. It doesn't stop us feeling triggered in the moment or that sort of that feeling of how dare you be so disrespectful. Do you not understand all the sacrifices I make for you that we might be going on in our head? But it helps us understand, right, okay, so this could be for a particular period of time because of these things that are going on. And it could be with some of these, there are things that we might be able to do. For example, the stress and the overwhelm, the modeling might be right. Okay, I'm taking some ownership. What can I do? And then the fifth thing, so we've talked about stress and overwhelm could also be playing in modeling, a mismatch of expectations, developmental leaps. And the last one is connection deficit. So this one is subtle, but it is significant. When children don't feel sufficiently connected to a parent, they will sometimes provoke a reaction, particularly if they know we're going to rise to it every time. Any reaction, just to feel that they matter. Remember, negative attention in a child's brain can feel better than no attention at all. So it's being aware. And remember, you may be listening to this saying, Mary Han, my children get all of my time. I'm always with them. I'm doing X, Y, and Z. Just for a moment, think about connection has got nothing to do with the amount of time we spend with our children.
Speaker 1You may be listening to this saying, Mary Han, my children get all of my time. Grow is therapy that works covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com. That's growtherapy.com. Acast.
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Speaker 3That's joinmidi.com. Connection can happen literally in five or 10 minutes. It's not something that requires huge amounts of time. It's how often does our child truly feel that we are connected to them physically, mentally, emotionally. We understand from their lens, we're really trying to connect with the things that they want to say, what they want to do, and that may well be also playing in as well as the autonomy and the communication. So we've set the stall about why it might be happening. We've set the stall equally about what some of the other things may well be beyond autonomy and communication. So here are my five strategies, and you'll notice that they're not just about managing the behavior. They are also about addressing the underlying problem. They're not just about managing the behavior. They are also about addressing the underlying needs that are driving it. So the first one, as you would expect, when we're considering it from a perspective of autonomy, is give your child meaningful choices. This is the single most powerful tool in the back chat toolbox. When a child feels like everything is decided for them, they will push back to reclaim some sense of agency. Offering genuine choices, even small ones, is a very important tool in the back chat toolbox. That is often enough. And if you have not yet done that, that would be my advice is you start with that single one first before you start adding anything else. Number two, shift the power dynamic but without losing your authority. So I'm not asking you to be a pushover. I'm asking you to move away from a purely top-down approach, adult-child, and towards something more collaborative, adult-to-adult. So this doesn't mean your child gets an equal vote. It means that they feel heard before you make decisions that affect them. So you might want to try. Again, these are my phrases. These are Merihanisms. So you change them to your isms. So it might be phrases like, I hear what you're saying. Here's why I made this decision. You don't have to like this rule, but I need you to follow it. And later, let's talk about why it exists. This third one is where you're genuinely going collaborative. What would you suggest? I'm genuinely interested. And then sometimes you may take their suggestion. Don't have to always, but that's also another one. Feeling respected and feeling in charge are very different things. Yeah? So your child doesn't need to be in charge, but what we're trying to do, because that's what they have a fundamental human drive, they have a desire, desperate desire, to need to feel respected. And that's what they're trying to do. And that's what they're shifting that power dynamic and using language and phrases like that can be super helpful. So number two is about shifting the power dynamic, but without losing your authority. Number three, the three C's, clear, consistent consequences. One of the biggest drivers of defiance is ambiguity. Children are deeply sensitive to inconsistency. If a rule applies on Tuesday, but not on Thursday, or applies to them, but not to their siblings or not to you, becomes very hard to respect. So the three C's are clear. Does your child actually know what the rule is? Can they tell you themselves? It can only be clear if your child can articulate back to you what the rule is. If it's always you telling them what the rule is, that is not clarity. That's not clear. They have to be able to tell you themselves. So that's clear. Consistent. Does the rule hold even when you're tired? Distracted or in a rush? I know it's a hard one, but that's where consistency comes in. The third C is consequences. Are there predictable, proportionate outcomes when the rule is broken? Not punishments delivered in anger, but calm, pre-agreed consequences. So consistency is your superpower here. It is also, I know, I do know, the hardest thing to maintain when we're exhausted, when we're in a rush, when we're distracted. So use the next strategy to protect your ability to stay consistent. And that number four is daily connection time. This sounds simple, but it is also supremely transformative. 10 to 15 minutes per child per day is all you need for connection time. Genuinely, no more than that. And some of you, you may well be listening to this and saying, Mary-Han, I've got four kids. That's like an hour. I don't have that spare time. Five minutes. Start small, but be consistent with it. And when you have that time with them, it needs to be focused, uninterrupted, and child-led. No agenda, no screens, no correction, just presence. Research consistently shows that children who feel securely connected to their parents have significantly better emotional regulation, lower levels of defiance, and are much more cooperative with their behavior overall. Connection is not a reward for good behavior. It is the foundation that makes good behavior possible. And when back chat does happen, a connected child is more likely, far more likely to be able to repair it, reflect on it, and do better next time. So if the 10 to 15 minutes is too much, start with five. But it is that connection, and it needs to be. We have to switch off from our to-do list. We have to switch off from the distractions. We just have to be present and and it's child led even if the thing that is being led by our children isn't something we're hugely interested in but just reframe your thinking to I'm going to spend the next five minutes trying to go trying to understand how my child thinks what's important in their world and why and if you frame it that way and you add in a good bit of active listening you're going to hit an absolute optimal amount there and fundamentally what that does that investment of time yields twofold tenfold fivefold in terms of the time you then save not constantly dealing with back chat or emotional dysregulation or sibling arguments it it kind of pays you back in unbelievable dividends so that's number four number five you'd expect this from me check in with yourself and also your co-parent so this one doesn't feature in most parenting advice but I think it might be the most important of all how are you doing when did you last feel genuinely rested are you and your partner modeling the kind of communication you want to see from your children back chat is often I'm really sorry but it is often a mirror it shows us where the stress is in our family system where the communication is breaking down where someone child or adult is not feeling heard before you focus entirely on the child you're not feeling heard you're not on your child's behavior and therefore correcting it spend a moment turning the lens inward I genuinely I say this with love ask yourself is there anything I'm doing that might be contributing to this not to beat yourself up but because the honest answer to that question is often the key to changing the pattern so quick summary of what we've covered today back chat is not just rudeness it's a signal that a child's need for autonomy occurs and it's a signal that a child's need for autonomy occurs and it's a signal that a child's need for is unmet it's not age specific it can happen at any stage when internal needs aren't being met the family dynamic particularly communication styles and power balance shapes how back chat develops and our five strategies are strategy one offer meaningful choices to restore a sense of agency number two shift from top-down adult child control to respectful adult to adult collaboration number three be clear consistent and hold consequences calmly number four prioritize daily connection time it's the foundation not the reward strategy five check in with yourself and your partner the pattern often lives in the whole family system now this week's free resource is a one-page checklist of these five strategies designed to stick on your fridge or save on your phone as a gentle reminder for those moments when you're standing in the kitchen and the back chat has hit peak volume and you cannot for the life of you remember what you're supposed to do always helps me head over to drmerryhand.com forward slash library pop in your email address and you'll get instant access to this week's resource and everything else in the free library and as ever if this episode has been useful please do follow and review the podcast it genuinely helps other parents find us and until next time you've got this at humana our medicare advantage plans are easy to
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