B's July Book Review: My Parents' Marriage

coque's outlook on marriage and only thinking about what she did not want versus what she actually wanted affected her in a really big way. And I think it does for a lot of people. But one thing that people love to say, especially men, that they are having children to pass on a legacy and I want you people to tell me, tell me what the fuck are you, what are you talking about? A lot of polygamous men will always shout that, but I ask my wife's permission. But it's like, Don, if you do, Don, if you don't, because if she says yes, okay, don't bring her to the house. If she says no, they might just put her in a different house. But there's really, there's really no consent from the other wife in polygamy. Welcome to two bees in a pod. I am Bill Ola. And I am Bill Onga. And this is a podcast about immigrant experiences in the U.S. sharing our perspectives on various topics. Including traveling cultures, fitting in, staying connected, learning and unlearning the good, the bad, and the ugly. We're back with another episode of two bees in a pod. And this week we're reviewing our book of the month for July, which was my parents' marriage by Nana Iquabru Hammond. And when I tell you that I flew through this book, like, I knew I was going to like it, just based on our conversations, but a man like, I did not, never I spared it. It was too much chaos. It was chaotic. Oh my god. Yeah, so I'm really looking forward, like, to our conversation. But as usual, our icebreaker, so the question today is, what is your favorite, or your least favorite, rather, pick me, solve? I've been listening to a lot of what is supposed to be begging R&B because the conversation has recently on social media has been R&B is not the same because people don't beg like they used to. And they're like, especially the Gen Z kids, they say, because they're so afraid of things being cringed, they don't allow themselves to be vulnerable. So we music sermon, this page on Instagram music sermon was doing black music month. And one of them people were sharing like their favorite begging song and they made it playlist. And Shaka Khan's sweet thing came up. And I've been listening to that song. Like, this one is a tie between Shaka Khan and Tony Braxton on break my heart because if somebody broke your hearts, please, why are you begging them to on break your hearts and on do this hurts and on cry these tears. They don't care. I'm gonna give, listen, I was obsessed with Tony Braxton in retrospect. I probably had a crush on her, but I was obsessed, okay. So I'm breaking my heart, like, I mean, I get what you're saying, but I also also get it. Come on, this dark child, listen, that, do you remember what I forgot the song where it starts with dark child? I was obsessed with that song. And so I made it by email address dark child for one, two was my email address. That's a teenager. I'm just saying that. See, I wanted, when I said begging, I wanted a man begging. Like, we're talking about this song. I remember the music video so vividly. Case was in the desert, begging this woman because she'd been gone for 24 hours. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, not this one. Shaka Khan said, I would love you anyway, even if you cannot stay. I think you're the one for me. Here is where you ought to be. I just want to satisfy you. Though you're not mine, I can't deny it. How are you going? Wait, though. Those lyrics just reminded me, you know who made a similar song? Sissa, that we can song. It's kind of giving. Which one is the weekend song? On the weekend. I don't know it. Really? It was like puff, but yeah, I know you're right. The men really don't be begging like they used to. I mean the rain. Thank you. The shirt is open. Come on. Girls is dead. Girls is really dead. Like, I really, I need, I need all of us to release shame from our bodies. Like, what is cringe? So you're not going to enjoy life because you're worried about something being cringe. Like, please, please, if you like somebody, back just don't go and be begging somebody who is somebody else's because Shaka Khan sounded a little crazy. She says, love me now or I'll go crazy. And I said, excuse me, sounds like he threats. I'm sorry. So no, like, I won the men's a bag, but not the women. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And to just go for the small tangent about this, the cringe thing about Gen Z, I watched a TikTok where a college professor was saying like Gen Z is so afraid of being seen trying. Like, it even shows up in their academic performance. Like, they're so afraid of, you know, like you said, appearing cringe, like people seeing them trying. And I said, I said, like, you have to, you know, I mean, none of us, I don't know if I support it in romance, but in other things in life, you're just going to have to swallow that cringe pill and, you know, get to the other side in order to ever get anywhere. The few that, what is it, Gen Alpha coming after them, don't have these, these issues because talking about trying, I watched my kid the other day, just try. So we went to a Nike basketball event and they had like a skills challenge. So last year she did it and she won. There's a skills challenge that she's won previously. When we attended it last month, there was a girl who was really good. Like, this girl was so good that she tried and tried, but it was like, yeah, nobody's beating this time. Like, even the kids that were in older brackets than them could not beat this girl's time. So when we showed up on Sunday at events, that was like her first order of business. She's first thing she wanted to know if the other girl was there. I was like, not don't think she's coming. She's like, good. And so she went. Her first time was like 25 seconds. And then I think I watched her. She did it again to lure her time so she got maybe 23. And then from then on, she just kept watching the scoreboard. Every time somebody brought their time down, she would go back again and do it. So she did 23. Somebody got 22. She took it down to 21. It was like 21 and changed. So somebody got like 21 and changed. She got it to 20. And I think she just like, you know what? I don't even care. She kept trying. She finally got it to like 19 and something seconds. And then she was like, okay, I'll let it. I think she did that right up until Wendy closed it. And they were not taking any work competitors. When she stopped. And so she came back to say, you know, I beat my own time. And it was just like watching her do this thing over and over and over just because she wanted a result. I was just like, man, I could learn a thing or two because I think that if I had been watching her, like I wasn't even watching her. She would just come back and tell me. If I'd been watching her, I would have probably said, you know, it's okay. You've done your best. Right. And yeah, the idea. But I just let her. And it was just like, wow, I was just like, yeah, she's equal parts obsessed, but determined. But it was just like watching her do that over and over. And so like saying that Gen Z doesn't put an effort. I hope Gen Alpha puts an effort because. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, even in low-stick situations, it's like they're afraid of, anyway, let me get back to our questions. Oh my god. Kader to you by Disney's child. I hate that song. I, hey, I don't know what possessed Beyonce and Cole to sing that song. I'm pretty sure that none of the ones who wrote it, even if they were, like that makes it even worse. Like if you look at the lyrics of that song, like that Hick Misha. It's like, let me help you take off your shoes, untie your shoes, strings, blah, blah, blah. I see you working her. Girl, if you don't stand up. This is so good. It was written by your face. Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle, and Rodney Jenkins, aka dark child. I hate that song so much. Like, but yeah, Disney's child, like that is like their peak, pick me song, but they have another one that is kind of pick me to nasty, put your clothes on. I told you they'll walk out. Just slouching me to the max. You know, which is ironic because Beyonce, as we see her through her career, like her clothes, you know, are becoming less and less as she performs. And I love it. I love it for her, but it's, you know, interesting to see her evolution from singing these kind of songs. Let me cater to you. Ketter to you is just not like a parody in my head because, yeah, I got your dinner, your dessert, and so much work. Listen. The B-tail Awards 2005. I don't know if you remember that. They pulled Terrence Howard. I'm aging myself. Jesus Terrence Howard, Magic Johnson. And I think it was Nelly. And like, I think Beyonce was dancing in front of Terrence Howard. This might look like he was transfigured. Like he's so let's his party. He's so, and he's a find that clip, but it looked like he had gone to heaven. It was just his budget I was still in the chair. But no, no, no, no, Ketter, Ketter to you, - This is kind of bad. - It is, it's, it's, it's kind of bad. But I'm telling you I'm breaking my heart. I'm just sitting there like you're so serious somebody broke your heart Why do you think that you don't break your heart? I should you even trust them so I'm breaking a heart break song now I would say heart break song. I just want you out to know because I was asked if I would sing such a song And I said give me my broken glass so I can start chewing because I would show I would show broken glass before I go I'm big. I'm sorry. This is not even a much out of cringe It's just it's against my principles Excuse that you know because heartbreak and pain makes people do things But you would just wake up and sing a song like cater to you for one reason. Yeah, no, yeah cater No, I mean I could sing on break my heart to my friend to be honest, but but not a man No, not for romance not not for romance at all. Absolutely not Okay, so moving on to our book of the month again. It's my parents marriage by Nana Iquabru Hammond and if you're listening to this and you have not read the book, please you know, it is so I mean You can skip if you want, but definitely go and pick up the book like it's so good and you probably read it in record time Like I did, but so this is a story that follows and I apologize all the Ghanians because I will be Mispronouncing names throughout. I don't know the correct pronunciation International for these names, so I want to apologize to anybody you know who is of that heritage So Kokui is a young Ghanian woman and she's a protagonist and the main character in this story and She is sure about only one thing in her life and that thing that she's sure about is she does not want to end up in a marriage Like her parents had or have okay, so she you know, it's kind of I don't know if I'll describe her She's not necessarily scatterbrain, but she just kind of lacks Direction and focus in her life apart from this one thing that she's so sure of like her parents marriage has Scored her to the point that she has made in her life's mission basically to get into a relationship That is the opposite of that and on top of that her father who is this mogul right? very successful businessman has plans for her and her sister to inherit and run the business and Kokui is you know, rebelling against this and she's determined to blaze her own trail and she meets Boris who is you know, how love interests in the story and from there She comes up or they come up with this plan. She kind of piggybacks on his plan to go to America where he has been Acceptance a community college. She applies to the same community college and they make this plan to go there And that's kind of her plan to you know free herself from her daddy's clutches and at the same time Have this marriage with Boris that she believes will you know be the exact opposite of what her parents had But as you know, they start executing this plan and make it to New York She begins to wonder whether in running from this thing she has perhaps found herself in the exact Situation that she has been afraid of her entire life and then towards the end of the novel tragedy strikes the family And she's really forced she and everybody else is really forced to reckon with the legacy of her father who is at the center of this I'm not even gonna call it a family tree is a web because it just ensnairs people and it is Very very complicated. So that's you know my own kind of general synopsis Of course, they're gonna be spoilers in this episode But you know regardless you should definitely read the book. It's so enjoyable So let's start with the main character Kokui or Kokui. I don't know the America She said when she came to America. I love how she kept correcting people on how to pronounce her name And they would just pronounce it however they wanted or in the case of the New Yorkers They would just give her their own name for example like hey ponytail because she always wore ponytail So Kokui this is a nipple baby who she's really fighting against her nipple baby status Like she's really wants to free herself from Her destiny, right? Her sister Nami has kind of accepted the nipple baby, you know title and destiny But Kokui is somehow still trying to fight it. So like I said her father or their father wants them To take over his business now they're not his oldest children. They are not his only children by any stretch He will have many or they're total 11 by the time we get to the end of the novel something like that Just a lot of yeah, there's a lot of them. It's at least 10. I want to say it's 11. So Why Do you think he singled out Kokui and Nami to be the ones because they say like even from when they were young He was taking them to the paper mill which is his main business that he has in addition to properties He was taking them to the paper mill to see how things are run because It sounds like from when they were young those are the plants that he had for them But again, he had older children. So why these two girls? Why did he singled them out? Is it I feel like it might have been a told man for their mother? I'm not I want my will lead to be a real person so I can talk to him, but Right He's like the rest of his peers. Honestly, there's nothing I know I'm not answering the question, but it's like I can recognize a lot of other people's fathers Mm-hmm in his story This the whole chaotic was he a polygamist even yes kind of he was a polygamist right so Because in the main house in the big house, which is in that one bougie neighborhood Achimoto some thing. Achimota. Yes, so they have this, you know, house where He at the time when Kokui's mother Michelin finds out about you know the other Family, they didn't even yeah, they do not live in that big house. So Maui who is the dad and the villain of this story to be honest he was in that big house with three wives, right? So he's a polygamist, but from the way they tell the story it sounds like each subsequent wife was not a willing participant, right? It's like he married one. They went to the house He moved it the second one and just to give our listeners who may be are not familiar in Cameroon and other West African countries when you get married you can say that This marriage is going to be a polygamist marriage even though you're just marrying one person, but you're just giving that you're opening It you know up or you can say oh, this is monogamous So it sounded like he was marrying these women and then just like bringing the next wife without their consent So that's what happened with the first three women who were in that big house. Excuse me. Sorry. You said without their consent Which is a good thing because I was just thinking about it a lot of polygamist men will always shout out that but I asked my wife's Permission they always like to say that I asked her, but it's like she's doomed. She says yes She's done if you do done if you don't because if she says yes, okay, don't bring her to the house If she says no, they might just put her in a different house, but there's really there's really no consent from the other wife in polygamy Because I don't believe that once polygamy is on the table. I don't think there's any no right and to just add to that right This women he was marrying them in the traditional sense, right? So he would do like a knock door and then do a traditional wedding at least for those those first three as well as Kokui's mother. So again, he would do this traditional marriage with them move them into a house and then bring the next one again Because all of these women like they describe it like they were bitter one literally went mad She had to be institutionalized in an asylum and she eventually died So it's like it was polygamy, but non-concentral polygamy, right now Kokui and Nami he marriage their mother in the same way, right knock door traditional wedding, but he puts them in a separate house And I don't know what was so special about their mother that he did not just drag her into this same situation She was a bush for them. Oh right. She was she was from Togo, right? So the other ladies were gonna and just maybe there was something exotic about her that he just you know Why? Because she spoke French now, I think you know, I really do But yeah, so for whatever reason you know, he has singled out these two daughters to inherit his business But Kokui again, our main character. She is she's just not going for it whether it's because of lack of interest in the business itself Or because she's just rejecting everything about her father like his you know Womanizing ways the hurt that he has caused her mother and other women and she just wants to reject everything about him But she makes it clear that she doesn't know wants to take over The business and then something that I found ironic maybe even hypocritical I'm not sure Kokui and Nami they are socializing with older married men, right? Like when we meet her in the story she's at this it sounds like some kind of country club They're socializing with these generals and older men who are military men There's even one scene where like she's with an older man who's her dad's friend And they have to wait for her dad to leave before they go and sit ironically at the same table that he was sitting with some other young girl So she is fraternizing with all the married men but but throughout the book she is expressing how much she hates what if Elandra had that was. So what is it? What do you think is going on in her mind when she's doing this? Madness. It's it's some kind of cognitive dissonance because how do you explain it? Right? Especially that you know that these are your father's friends and you know that they are married. So like you don't like it but you're you're doing doing the same thing. I honestly don't know but I also want to blame the men because that description is my men are not afraid of anything that's my conclusion. When I was younger and naive I really used to think that no if my male friend respects me I don't even believe that they do honestly that if they respect me they would not like try to abuse my friends or like if they're just looking for a fling they wouldn't do with my friend. In the same way that men will marry people that are younger than their daughters or they're messing around with their friends child. Like don't you be wild it's not even shame. Even though I'm afraid you're not afraid of maybe just country fashion God Jesus somebody like y'all don't have no fear. I mean they're no. It's not I mean the audacity that that's one thing that white chromosome which I honestly believe is a mutation that causes this. It's loaded with audacity or dacity. But yeah Kokui I'm like girl what are you doing and it's not like she needs these men to pay for her dreams because obviously their father is wealthy so why not go and find I don't know she she does not want to socialize with wealthy men of her age. Yeah so let's get into Boris right. She meets Boris at this country club and he is an attendant like a cleaner sort of person who is like sweeping up cigarette butts and things like that and they start talking and she finds out that he has been accepted to a community college in New York and he plans to save money and play the New York start his new life that intrigues her. She kind of like I said you know jumps on his train and he helps her do the same thing she gets admitted into the college. But she has this I don't I'm gonna call it a fantasy about Boris it's really a fantasy she at least in the beginning she believes that because he's poor he somehow immune to the kind of philandering and abusive behavior that she has seen her dad and I don't know why she thinks that poor men cannot do the same thing isn't a fantasy or a fetish. No it's a fantasy because she is drawn to him because he represents what she believes is the opposite of her father the main thing being that he's poor and she thinks that because he's poor somehow he's not going to be you know he's not going to humiliate her the way her father did to her mom but I don't know where she got this idea maybe because she's a rich kid she has no spent time around poor men I'm like girl we'll told you that you see those means of their life oh I don't want to go dig a meanwhile you're using an Air mattress somewhere like it's always some people just like I said audacity audacity and yeah I think maybe she was sheltered and was not really exposed to men outside of her father and his friends so she had these strange idea that because the man was not wealthy I don't know maybe who adore you and worship you she and this is a quote right this says this was what Kokui had wanted a commitment that promised to transcend the dysfunction she had grown up in so she and I don't think honestly it's not even fair to Boris this kind of expectation that she's putting on him to somehow heal the trauma of her childhood because it doesn't really what she's doing she's coming to this relationship thinking like you know it's going to heal and that's not fair to put on him you know regardless of whether he's a good guy or not so she's very naive in that way yeah and then when they get to New York they start clashing on the topic of finances on multiple occasions right they have very different views when it comes to finances so I want to talk about Boris's cousin he has a cousin Sammy who lives in New York and has you know that was his plan all along to go and live with Sammy when he first got there so of course now that he's married to Kokui Sammy says sure bring her to they get to this apartment and this Kokui too I don't know like she's she she's looking around like hold on this is the one bedroom where are we going to sleep you know and she's clearly this are not the kind of accommodations that she's used to and her first instinct is because her dad gave the money she's like let's use the money my dad gave us you know to get our own place and Boris like of course he shuts that down immediately so they're sleeping on his cousin sofa bed for five months but she starts thinking that and I'm not sure that I disagree with her she thinks like Boris is in a way trying to bring her down to his level like some of the decisions that he's making is so that he's trying to almost punish her for being more well-off than him like he has some resentment and I don't disagree with that I don't know what I think that that do usually happen it really does where I don't know I mean man I always feel like man try to cut women down for whatever reason like you saw a woman she was living her life she she gets to do things for herself and in all of a sudden she's materialistic okay she was materialistic before you met her so why is it a problem now and and because that like he he knew her family background it it was a thing they talked about so why are you going to come and use that against me now like did I hide it that my father had money before I came here yeah and and then you know she kind of gets into the groove of being poor and working very hard and they get to you know community college and they're both working and they save up an impressive amount of money for a big this is in a few months they save up like five grand and then he goes behind her back and leads that money to his cousin Jesus Christ I mean without consulting her and that she has another moment where she comes to this realization like hold on I was running from philanthropy but there's another type of infidelity in a marriage or dishonesty right and Boris is showing her which by the way that's I believe so infidelity and finances are the top two reasons why you know people get divorced at least in America so she no she was kind of running from one and has met the other because she was so like obsessed yeah I get that it was back in the day and so a lot of things that people talk about like therapy and all these things we're not necessarily available but I think that cookies outlook on like marriage and only thinking about what she did not want versus what she actually wanted affected her in in a really big way and and I think it does for a lot of people right where you get in a situation with somebody and they've done xyz so for the next person you're only checking boxes of well that person didn't do this and this person does it so good that's a good thing that's a good thing so you're building the anti of that person without stopping to consider what you actually want instead and I think that that's something that she really really overlooked because I don't is I don't know if it's that she did not know what a good marriage would look like she knew what a bad one looked like and she knew she did not want that one but I don't think she ever gave herself pause to think what is it that I want exactly and you said something which I think applies in not just like relationships but everywhere in life your motivation cannot only be what you're escaping because well where you're running towards you know what I mean like you cannot just say I don't want this what is it that you actually want as she really was not clear as aggressive as she was and to be honest she was the one who was pushing this relationship forward and she basically proposed to him you know she again she was only saying I don't want this I don't want this what is it that you actually want can you name the qualities that you want in a husband and your marriage and she never did that and I love this quote at this first of all this novel like I've never like marked so many quotes in a book that we've read this one I'm gonna say to her she said the suffering you're trying to outrun will overtake you and it will push you to your own and that's exactly what happened that's exactly what happened she was running she was running from one thing I met and equally you know bad issue so yeah she was not only naive I don't know she was kind of she should have dealt with her trauma like you said maybe therapy was not available to her but she should have dealt with her trauma first before trying to pursue a relationship you mentioned her mom and it's I find the relationship fascinating because I always say that when there's when a divorce or separation takes place and especially with with girls girls especially teenage girls younger girls the non custodial parents usually gets romanticized and then the person that you have to deal with every day usually becomes the villain but in this case like her mother was the non custodial parent but her mother was still the one getting the emotional walking from her like she seemed a lot more angry at her mother who more or less was a victim in the situation than her father because her father was a philandria but you say he's weakness He's weakness for for women or whatever. Like nah, he he he moved through the world like a typical man with no regard for Anybody's feelings anything just his own his pleasures and whatever he wanted in that moment and then you're so upset at your mother where If you look at it, she thought and I always say when whenever I talk about parents I always say they more often than not Parents are making what they think you know they're making an indecision based off of the information they had at that time And so her mother made choices based off of the information at that time hoping for a Particular result that was influencing her choices But she has so much smoke for her mother and it's like where's the same energy for your father exactly like she kept questioning her mother Why don't you divorce him why aren't you divorcing him? Why don't you ask your dad that question? You know like she never questioned the only person who had smoked for the dad in this story is Antony and Antony has some good quotes You know in this story and just for context Antony is he's the oldest son, right? He's the oldest child of all this son out of the election We also have to talk about Antony is not the oldest because the the biracial kid will talk about him later. Yes, we have to talk about the rule of school in her mother finding out That's that her children were not the only one because I've had several friends tell similar stories where they went to Wording school. I think this one somebody was in Sikha and another one was in a coyote and it was like did you meet any of us there? It was a thing an expectation that they were running to each other at these different schools where and it's just like you as the man Do you don't even know which school your child is going to so you don't walk up to class and meet somebody with the same name? I'm y'all are now looking at it. It's not that they don't know. It's not that they don't know they don't they don't care They do not care because Look at in this example like coquist mother who's Michelin she's going to the headmaster To beg because coquist grids are not good enough to get into that school So, you know, and I'm sure the dad knew that that was her intention to try to get her into that school where her half siblings Her unknown half siblings were attending so Michelin is there begging the principal And the service was he just makes he makes an off-hand comment which to him of course he had no clue and he's just like Brothers and sister are here and Michelin said hold up. What do you mean run that back and the principal is like oh the other What's that that's last name Nougat? Yes. Yes, the other Nougat children And he then realizes that you know, he has revealed a family secret. That's not his fault Of course, and Michelin. I love what she does next like she tells him to go and call all the children out of class She takes right to these kids though, and I love the reaction of the kids right because obviously they believe it with their dad and in this Polygamma's home they know that they and dad ate shit So now this strange woman calls them out of class and loads them into her car and of course They're kind of empathetic to her because they're like oh here we go another one and She she's you know takes them to one of his businesses. She tries to burn down like that one of his machines or something It was I really really loved the reaction of the kids because they were so empathetic to her because they they knew exactly who they're Dad was and they were just going along for the ride with her I've heard a crazy story and it's also out of Ghana where two brothers go to school They see a younger kid and immediately they're like who's your father and he wouldn't say on the last day Oh school they pretty much kidnap this boy and Take him home the dad sends a driver to pick them up. They take him home and as they're walking their father says you can't kill somebody They're walking with this child. I don't know if their mother knows, but he got some splitting to do But he's just like you said they don't care But like you should care because the reaction of the older siblings is like yeah, we're not new to this We're true to it, but I don't think that the children should be exposed to these things at like such a young age It's just like here we go again, you know, no big deal like this is chaos now This is this is just too chaotic. So Michelle what does she do? She you know obviously she's she comes to the house, you know sees the three wife sees all the children Maule is there just, you know like day good. The man does not panic at all. So And I like you know what I like I know it's traumatic to the children But I like what Michelin did and I like what the woman did like decades later when she came and so Michelin dropped Kokui and Nami as she was like here. Now they're gonna They're gonna live with you. She left them and going forward until That's when he's they were only seeing how once a year and that's what she left the home years old at that time She left the entire country. Yes, yes, she left her two daughters In their father's polygamist house went back to her home country of Togo and I really love the and more women need to to do that Again, I know that's traumatic to the children, but it's like no leave the man to deal with the consequences of his actions in Present day in the story a woman brings a baby Mind you Kokui's dad and this he's over 50 years old. Why do you have a newborn baby a woman brings a newborn and he's like less than six months And she leaves that child, you know at the house and again, Maule just takes it and stride of course What I mean like somebody else is is doing the caring now I don't know my back to this thing of leaving your child right the problem is you have to make sure that is not a witch That is raising them because as he does not care He's going to leave your kids in the house with anybody any Somebody will can be treating your children any which way kind of way and they don't they don't care So that's just a little bit, but he's he's going to be on butter. You said he's 50 I just remember I think it's Robert the Neuro who has a newborn or like an infant and like it's it's and I don't I don't know People know this information because you know older women have been, you know, vilified for so long and you know We are we all know that the mother as the mother gets older their risks right to the pregnancy But that is also true for the father man older the father is and as well as his health also regardless of his age His health also impacts the quality of sperm and it impacts the child. So men think like I'm okay having kids in my 70s Like no your age as you get older as a man it impacts the health of the not only the child when they come up But during the pregnancy like preeclampsia things like that are influenced by the quality of sperm like you guys Men they have a lot more influence in you know the health of the pregnancy and the child than they think or like More than they want to take responsibility for that's why I'm glad that that science is coming out more and more and it's just something to be said about having a child in your 70s Or 80s like that child at best is getting more 10 good years from you I don't believe that at 70 80 you can be a present parent and just like 70 or old having a child to be when they at 10 You're 80 and you're going to PCA with some of these gensy kids and when they see chess is something they go clock it No, but like what what quality of life are these kids are your kids getting from you? That's that's really something that I think about because there's there's really not much. I'm sorry, but there's not and I just I don't understand like the dedication that Maui had to have had for 12 years for 12 years to be living a double life where and Again, we don't know maybe Michelin saw like maybe there were red flags and she was intentionally being obtuse and just not because how are you in two households and Coco was even thinking back she was like well, he used to go on business trips and he goes on business trips Isn't that how pilots pilots and some of these occupations where they travel they keep families or like even in Cameroon where Somebody was an administrator out of where like their family lives and they have a whole entire family over there I mean we had a neighbor Somehow everybody on that street knew that he had another family. I don't know if it's why he knew but it was not a secret that Sometimes when people like you'll be sitting at home and they kind of like oh he's coming back from his other house. Hey When we want to be dishonest of what committed to it He was clearly committed, but also it works because the women in the main house, right? The political swimming. I'm sure they knew that he was going to another woman or another family, yeah, because they already accepted their lots, you know, they're Oh, yeah, he was only hiding it from Michelin. I really do think that he had he had I don't know Regard is not the word, but he had something I wouldn't say maybe a funness, but he just he wasn't the funness was not enough for him to wrap it up and keep it in his pants Like he liked that enough to like Keep her away from from the main house and then even still like bringing the kids to visit her and then like playhouse with her for for a week and then go back to business and like she's not she's not alone in that I will say that these men they will they will take as much or as little as you're willing to give and they will take it with a smile on their face so if you allow them to keep taking your crumbs they will take it and I don't it's from you until you decide that no more that they might try to leave you alone you might still have to play walk them all but they will pop up and if you allow them they will keep popping up and I think that might have been Michelin's weak point with with Mauley I just don't understand like I think she was playing a long game where she thought that if she maintained a romantic relationship with him it strengthened the chances of her daughters inheriting the business and having a stronger claim to his property after he died and I think she thought that would apply to her too I think that was definitely I think she was romantically you know foolishly attached but I think she thought that she was playing some kind of long game that was securing her and her daughters inheritance after he died and the other person who was definitely playing a long game which it did not work out for her Hema which is his current you know wife in the story right the the woman who is now in the big house all the the other ladies have either died or ran away so Hema is the person who is living the wife who is living with him when he dies he so it's only a little angry to one person right isn't it her it's not her yeah he's actually legally married in court and again so he has no children with her she does not seem to flinch when that lady brings baby baby cojo coffee coffee sorry it's coffee brings baby coffee and dumps the baby Hema looks unperturbed okay she's also unbothered when Maui and the girls are going on their annual Christmas trip to Togo to be with Michelin and throughout the book you're wondering like what what what what is up with this lady she has her own money she's a rich bitch so she's clearly you know we don't think she's there for the money but then towards another book when spoiler Maui dies then she gets into bitch supreme mode as she keeps as she gets out of my house get out of my house she immediately starts you know like setting up the paperwork so that she's the sole beneficiary obviously that does not work out for her by the time the novel ends it's kind of up in the air but it doesn't seem like it's gonna work out for her because of what's in his will but these two women right Michelin and Hema I feel like they thought they were playing the long game and didn't he also have some contacts through Hema wasn't like she from wasn't there something like she was her father was her father pulled to share her real family she was from a royal family yeah and she had a business herself she had like a trucking or transportation business you know which he was you know benefiting from in some way but yeah I think she thought she was she was quite that welcome which I like that about her but this is the thing that I always say when women think like they can finesse you know patriarchal systems like it's not it's not going to work you always be the loser like don't try to play the game yourself from from the courts remove yourself from the pitch from the field you will never win as a woman like you cannot finesse don't think that you can tolerate disrespect humiliation from a man because there's some reward like you have already lost and she lost in a big way both of them did and in this story it's it's sort of different but I've also seen a situation where a man is leaving his chaotic polygamous life having the children and there and I want to say maybe the only thing different is I want to say something that he probably did intentionally where all the children see themselves as siblings even though the mothers cannot necessarily stand each other but then the man dies and then his family now comes and is trying to sideline all the kids and the wives in the picture to take property and where this women like because there's only one villain in all of these stories is one person is the man and I think that when you're able to recognize that because when when he passed away and his family said him is behaving the wives had to get together and make sure they stuck together for their children if not they were going to leave those children high and dry yeah and this is a quote that I really love from Michelin she was talking to Mauleys I think his brother right his fastest his brother or his cousin she says in fact you wear your costumes like costumes when you don't like one you switch to the other mixing and matching to suit yourselves so she's talking about how you know Michelin she was fronting all the costs for the funeral and she was like listen we're going to be very straightforward when I'm going to do any extra shit we're going to have a wake a burial and a Thanksgiving service and his family wanted to do all these other traditional things according to that away traditions and this and that and the brother was trying to say you know it's our custom so that was her rebuttal to him it's like you know you guys pick and this is true of every African men especially today but Africans in general picking and choosing to say oh this is our custom this is our tradition when it suits you when it doesn't then you want to be modern you want you want to be western you want to be you know but when it's time it's particularly when it comes to oppressing people then you know tradition very well you know you know tradition very well that time yep you've been writing me where somebody the bread of tradition and then when somebody counted like well in tradition this would be okay they say it's your tradition you follow yep okay you quote tradition and I like 10 seconds later you're like is it all traditions that's such a good point or sometimes people don't even know tradition because I remember when people say that's not our culture I'm like what's your culture exactly I always ask for your bad traditional weddings right the groom's family brings gifts and the bride has to go and pick she has to pick something from all the gifts that are presented and these days especially in like Pentecostal or most families she's expected to pick a Bible and I'm not excused why is the Bible in your traditional wedding like how did he get here and the guise that the expectation is that she should pick a Bible I feel like you're going to have your church wedding leave that there that's just me and I always ask but it's just like Bible is not really part of the culture now or on another note it was asking somebody like oh my god why is the man wearing his skirt bazaar but when we all wear a country clothes in Sawa Land mentai di Asandra in graphic culture there's no trouser under the toggle is his skirts I said but we wear skirts they're like no no no I said so just because we call it a skirt they said there's a time I'm pleased for that I said why are you really getting your culture to particular things why can't you wear your culture every day but it's like the minute we put certain things on then there's a oh no no no not that part of the culture exactly which was michele's point so Maule like we said he is the villain he is the final boss of African men because like you said we hear all these stories but I mean he took it to a level that was I mean unheard of and again shout out to Anthony so Anthony is the oldest son he was I believe in the UK in the novel we only meet him like when he comes back he's not even coming back to bear his dad he's coming back to get what has been bequeathed to him you know in the will he and he makes it very clear he's very bitter he hates his dad obviously and I don't blame him he's only coming for the money and the properties and he's like let's get this shit over with but kopey has a memory where Anthony asks his dad he says how can you who loved your mother so much continually humiliate the mothers of your children isn't our love for our mothers as important as yours and I really love that quote because Maule did really love his mother like they she you know came from nothing you know and kind of set him up for the to be the great man that he was like she even named him you know in name that almost prophesied right like what he was going to achieve so he loved his mother so much he I think he either built a hospital in her name or like remodeled some wing of the hospital her name and he was always you know like donating in her name he even put that in the will like the children were supposed to continue that annual charity that he had set up in her name so he loved his mother so against Anthony's point you love your mother so much how are you treating the mothers of your children so poorly don't you think like they love their mothers as much as you love yours which is the question that should be positioned to all African men who behave like this because they will also swear up and down that they love their mothers and then they'll turn around and do the same nonsense you have the ones who talk about how much their mother suffered with their father and did all these things and then their father dies and their mother remarries and their mother her or is like oh my mother went through all of this suffering so you haven't even done half of what my father did why can't you why can't you bear bear it it's crazy it is so crazy it's like sometimes right you read stories on the internet and you're looking at people granted we say that every child gets a different version of their parents but you see the way that girls react to their father's treatment of their mother versus how boys react to the same mother and it's just like you put girl in the same house because it's like you saw this person suffering and one person's idea of it is to like do all of this and then yours is just like now fam I'm just going you know keep keep doing what my father did I'm gonna talk about how horrible he was but I'm also just going to do you know maybe a like that version and yeah I mean shout out to Anthony because he left right like he left I think after his mother like left he also left and he like confronted the dad like basically told him and he's the only child to my knowledge who ever stood up to mother that way so and then coque to like we're saying earlier she has all the smoke from for her mom she never confronts her dad about his behavior but throughout the book she's wondering I won't point she's like how can he be such a disciplined businessman but he does not apply the same discipline when it comes to women listen my only is so slimy that it's kind of suggested in the book that he's even sleeping with Michelin's housekeeper there's a couple of times that coque like mentions that I'm like how gross are you the one time a year you're coming to visit this woman and you're you know you're trying to hook up with her housekeeper sir like you cannot be here yourself for just one week no the astronomer seal could not be here himself either so it's just indiscipline and then the surprise at the end of the book when they're reading the will festus Weber so I kind of this one did not surprise me even though the characters in the book were not were surprised it did not surprise me because they kept mentioning this Julia Weber Julia Weber who is the one who gave him his initial capital to come back to Ghana and start his paper mill and I was like I bet you that man kept the child in Germany so I was not surprised when you know this baritual kid festus shows up at the reading of the will which you are polygamers all of your wives know that you're trash like why are you hiding this one kid from everybody like why was he a secret you just reminded me that has just reminded me and I've gotten upset all over did you ever watch this show on amazon prime called riches it was about this business man he's Nigerian he had two kids with his first wife when they were struggling to build the business and then when the business took off he left her for some of the lady had three kids now these are the kids are raising like affluence they're mostly spoiled me while those first two kids they've struggled with their mother and then when he's dying he calls his oldest daughter and she's like investigating who was stealing money yari yari and it turns out like the last episode we find out that he also had a child he's secretary and season two they've been so great they cancelled the show and now I'm upset all over but it sounds exactly it sounds just like this speaking of you should watch it horrible fathers and I just want to say that I'm getting this information and tell you from the internet so you know it's not verified but apparently brine mcnight is a horrible horrible person brine mcnight like I was shocked if you if you don't know the lore listeners like go and look it up on tiktok or yeah probably tiktok is the best place to get the lore yeah brine mcnight apparently where it's not he's horrible he's and his son just passed away and even then even then even then he couldn't even respect those boy just even you know way to say if you have nothing good to say don't say anything like try to even try to antagonize his boy's mother no yeah no no shame he needs to start back at one he needs to take his own advice and start back at one I just want to give a quick shout out to the unsung hero in this story Aaron I don't know if I'm pronouncing it correctly Aaron this is Maui's housekeeper slash nanny slash everything she's a relative of his his cousin and she basically raised all of his plenty children including the baby who they came and dropped off you know out of the blue in his you know when Maui was in his 50s and the way they just like casually the night that they bring the baby like he will sleep in aerox room until we figure out something out and then she's basically raising this kid is her kid now apparently like she's just it's crazy and there are so many errands in African households today and even more when we grew up these relatives whether distant or like immediate cousins who are just relegated of course on that paid you know just on 24/7 child care duty has keeping duty all of the things the one redeeming thing is that he made generous accommodations for her and his will like he left her I think a house he left her money so he did take care of her in the will but like I'm like when she was alive she was basically just cleaning up his mess his whole life for his whole life and now African African men and their chaos I just want to say the bars in hell because I want to give Maui Lee just a little bit for at least having a will chaotic one but at least having it because my father had a patience back in the 90s for years he will beg this month's right to will and he refused this month is your polygamists you own several businesses plantations why won't you write it will why do you want your final house become a WWE issue why what what is the reason they don't care what is it here to witness it what's this problem why I mean maybe one day we'll talk about why Africans don't build generational businesses like why don't we have like a third generation business is all of these chaos because far too often the wealthy people end up being philanthropists and having all these children and then they die without wheels or people are contesting the wheels and then by you know your children are fighting by the time it gets your grandchildren there's nothing left yeah I don't know I don't know the answer to that I think there are some maybe we haven't been independent long enough to really see the trend in multi-generational like successful multi-generational business no no no no no think about when our parents talk about the successful business men that they grew up looking at go look for their businesses and see how many of them survived very very few and then now from our parents generations how many of them inherited businesses that have outlived them so one more quote and it's from Anthony again he says and he's this is he's talking with his sister he said his legacy is a divided house his widow is only making it official and I love that quote so much and I want to talk about this myth of legacy right because as a child free by choice person you will hear this you know everybody wants to give their opinion on why you should have a child or who's going to take care of you when you get older there's that that that but one thing that people love to say especially men that they're having children to pass on a legacy and I want you people to tell me tell me what the fuck are you what what are you talking about like what what is the legacy that you're passing on I don't think people understand that term first of all they're using it incorrectly your legacy is not your children at this example that I give Michael Jordan right one of the greatest athletes of all time Michael Jordan has children but when we talk about him his legacy is his athletic performance his athletic history it's not the children I cannot name one of Michael Jordan's children because they're not his legacy his legacy is what he did so no no it definitely is his sports his sports and his business acumen from the Jordan brand definitely right when when we talk about Michael Jordan it's sports and finance yeah so what the hell are you people talking about oh I want to have children because of legacy what fucking legacy bro tell me the legacy that you you know be behind once upon a time I was talking to somebody who told me that he was very happy when his wife had their first kid and it was a boy because they're going to pass down the family name do you want to take a gander or what his last name was it was a Caucasian man Smith Moore don't even get me get me started on the last name because I have many popular opinions on hot tics about naming children but yeah I really want us to you know and the women who are just nodding along with your partners who are sit talking this legacy nonsense your children are not your legacy I'm not my father's legacy his legacy is whatever he did and the impact that he had on the people in his lifetime his patients what his staff when he was running hospitals the people in his personal life whatever he did for them good or bad that's his legacy I'm not my father's legacy you know like I hate what people use that term because they always use it incorrectly your legacy is the things that you did when you're alive and the impact that you had if you have 100 children those are not your legacy maybe your legacy is the abuse that you give to your children that could be a legacy but the children themselves are not what it's true I want parents to talk about that like yeah your children and not your your legacy I agree with that I know people yeah people hats or I once Don't forget to like and see you next time. Well, that's another thing that has just taken over our addiction lately generational well like sorry, bro No, that's not generational well But I think that people need to to reexamine the but that's a different episode right reexamine the wise of why they are having children I'm always feel like sort of uncomfortable when someone says that well she need a deployment. Wow Like I don't know if it's better for you to have them as your legacy or the playing me for the other one But it's just some of these things where people Like true day children are not your legacy do right by people and also you're just having these children as a legacy Like what quality of life are you giving them how are they going to remember you how are they going to talk about you? Um, and I would say we don't hold on to things that oh, I'm doing this for my children because bro You aesthetic might not be your child's aesthetic. They would just be putting you in the funeral home And they'll be looking for an appraiser for that house that you are saving for your children This this is kind of a little bit of attention, but listen to this It's a tiktok who people like write a tiktok creator people write into her and this is regretful parents I know there's a subreddit of regretful parents, but she has like, you know It's a tiktok where she reads letters that regretful parents have written to her and this one lady was like, you know She had a very hard childhood and blah blah blah She became pregnant like had an unplanned pregnancy as she decided to have the child and she wanted to give that child The childhood that she never had and I'm just like if you think that you missed out on certain things in childhood Why don't you just give it to yourself as an adult? Repair yourself. Who told you that that child wants the things that you think you missed out on? Like give yourself the things that you thought you were lacking Why do you have a whole child? You think having that child is going to erase what you experienced? No Repair yourself as an adult and give yourself those things I think that people you know you put so much on children forgetting that they're their own person Like they you just you are the channel to bring them here They are not a reflection or you know some kind of vessel for you to relive something that you You you thought you missed out on or to you know for you to live vicariously through But a lot of people treat their children that way. That's right. Yeah, people think their children are little many dams And they really aren't and it's it's better to catch on to this earlier than later because Don't show your paper when you keep expecting you out of them Then you get frustrated when they don't give you you and you're setting yourself up for relationship that is more tedious more difficult a more tension field that needs to be and I think honestly that was what happened with Maui and Kokui like he kept expecting her to have the same passion for his business that he did and he kept telling her You know, he was one of these people who kept Retelling his success story like oh, I started from nothing. This is what I did as a small boy I did all the okay, you did that sir, but now you have created a very comfortable life for your children You think they're gonna have the same kind of motivation and struggles. They're not and that's a good thing Though expect that same kind of grits from them They have the luxury to be able to explore things simply out of curiosity not out of Necessity and you have to accept that when you are a successful person like your children I'm not going to have that same experience, but I think he wanted that same kind of drive from her And it was simply not happening because of course he grew up rich and he didn't oh man Anyway, like closing thoughts. I really loved I loved this book so much highly recommend if you're listening and you haven't read it I wish I like how it ended because I look he like endings that kind of leave us guessing But if I had to see it all the way through you know, obviously it seemed like the wives would be left with nothing and the kids would you know inherit The businesses and the properties and of course they would take care of their mothers Which is what he said in the will that he's leaving all this the children knowing that they're gonna take care of their mothers But hey, my unfortunately, who didn't have children with you? Didn't I have a child? Yeah, that's what I'm just saying She was wealthy, but she put herself through those years of humiliation for nothing and she exactly she put up with him I don't know. I don't know. It was a chaotic book. It was it's a book where you I think that if you grew up if you've grown up in Some kind of West African African household. You've seen some of these stories. You've seen some parts of this play out in real life So it's not all that shocking or surprising. The characters with just like Coquee was just annoying and naive enough like you didn't say like Just straight up like oh my god, but like every character felt like they had a right just the right mix of annoying and like ability Mm-hmm outside of Maui Lee that one I still want to slap him But it was a really good book and especially since I found it by accident I went into it knowing what to expect and I really enjoyed it. Yeah I really did too. So yeah, thanks for that recommendation And I think our book of the month next month is going to be a good not a contradiction But kind of another side of the coin of polygamers or you know Chaotic marriages and households and the August book of the month is the secret lives of Babashi Giswai's by Lola Shonein and I read this book long ago. It's one of my favorite all-time favorite novels So if you have not picked it up definitely do and again, I think it will be a really interesting read after this one Yes, it's a really good one And I've actually had a live play that they've done in London the last couple of years I think they just ended the last run back in June. I would love to see it um Like to see the show in person because when I remember reading this book and just being like damn wow Yes, finally redemption So I enjoyed it so I guess I'm looking forward to rereading it again I don't remember being of sets and some parts. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it again Same. All right So if you're not following us on YouTube we are at Ubi's in a pod on Instagram at 2b's pod Tell a friend to tell a friend and until next time if you want to know the end look at the beginning I don't always agree with that statement But I think in the context of this book I do yeah, like chaos breeds chaos now I think that's that's that's in this case. Yes, it applies not every time people change sometimes at the end But I think for most of us if you want to understand certain things about us look at how we were raised and you get you get a sense of who we are Agree not just yeah, not just how we were raised where where we grew up Where society also affects affects us and and then how who raised us and how they did that And it doesn't mean that you cannot like you know work through that trauma and not bring it to your Relationships, but for example like let's just say Boris admit quickly like out of not knowing how she grew up and who no Her father was the way that she acted and behaved in that relationship like is a direct consequence right Of what she experienced as a child and unfortunately for her she Without unpacking that she just jumped into that marriage thinking that he was going to save her basically from From her past yeah, or I just remembered like I guess since Malcolm Jamal Warner passed away and all the clips and videos of him Talking there's this video he was on a podcast not so long ago and they asked him about what he thinks his legacy would be And he said that he was a good person and he said he's a good person because his father is a good person And which speaks which speaks to what we are saying that you know if you're raised by a good person You probably will be a good person and he was aware of that then I think he asked his father and his father told him People remember him for the things he did for how he make them feel and that he was a good person And he believes that because his father is a good person. I love that Hopefully all his children You know against the odds will turn out to be good people All right