AUTISM TRANSLATION GUIDE: 10 things partners need to understand

Have you got an autistic person in your life? Do you sometimes feel like their behaviors are rude? Do you feel like they're ignoring you when they shut down? Or do you feel unloved if they don't want to come and celebrate your birthday? We are going to talk about ten behaviors of autistic people that can be difficult for partners or parents or friends to deal with and how we are going to deal with them. Wow, that's about me then. Welcome to Late Bloom as well. We are getting our lives together. Eventually, what do you buy our gorgeous sponsor loop ear plugs? Yeah, this one is all about you babe. Where did you get it? So you've got the cards? I've got no cards for this one. So last year you were officially diagnosed with autism. We have strongly suspected it for over a year, a couple of years. But for the first five years of our relationship, we had no idea. I had no idea and there are. I get to look back now and see ways that I've pushed you or judged you or felt something towards you that is because of autism. And I carry a lot of guilt about a lot of these things because I would blame you. We'll go over, it's going to be ten things. Yeah, because I didn't know and I would take things personally. I would blame you, I would try and change you. And we don't do any of that anymore and life is absolutely a lot more lovely isn't it? Yeah, it is. I'm fascinated to know what you're talking about to be honest. I think I imagine that you're going to recognise all of them. I'm sure I'll remember them, yeah. And I do just want to say, you know, you were in a relationship with me. I was diagnosed with ADHD. You then totally changed your mind about so many parts about me. Yeah. You did that work years before I ever did that work. So I just want to say shout out like to men with you. To me. Yeah. Because that's, I don't know, not everyone would do that. Okay. Coming in. So this is the Autism Translation Guide. I'm the translator. Oh, yeah. I can do that, that's easy. I need to change my title with them. What do you mean? So I'll give you an example. I had number one shutdowns aren't done on purpose to hurt you. So if you're going to translate it, I'm going to do it from the perspective of someone that doesn't know yet. Oh, this is great. Ready? Number one, shutdowns are done to shut down the conversation and to refuse to engage. So for me, it is much needed and necessary processing time. So I would typically shut down often in conflict, but sometimes when I'm just overwhelmed, my brain is going too quick to be able to engage with the conversation rationally. So I'll need time to reflect. And in an argument situation, I would need to really think and understand the situation. I can't react emotionally because I don't, I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong. And saying sorry, but I need to fully like get why I'm wrong, like what I did. And then, and then I'll come and apologize. But that's you, that's why. Is that what you had? Yeah. I guess you need to witness it as a partner. You can be in the middle of talking about something really difficult or you're dealing with something stressful. And I can see you, it looks like to me, you're disengaging with it, you're zoning out. And all, all the social signals were taught to look for a say in shut up. Get away, stop talking like looking away. Even I said, Rich, I speak your name, you ignore it. For a long time, that just used to annoy me. Why are you not, hello, why are you not talking to me? I would always want to process and talk and I'd add on all these other meanings to your behaviors, which was that you were trying to push me away or refuse in to talk about it and just going silent. So there's an active defiance, using silence as an active defiance, rather than being completely overwhelmed by whatever's happening. And actually don't have access to having a conversation at that moment. I'm sure some people could potentially use it as an active defiance if you don't then go back to that conversation. You can't be like, I'm everyone going to talk about this and never talk about it again. Like, I need to like calm my nerves because that is, that is avoidant, isn't it? That's also true, we're not saying shut down, that's fine, never talk about it again. We're saying shut down, that's part of how your autism presents. Take the time and then you come back together and whatever was happening, you chat about it. Yeah. Lovely, okay, number two. Being blunt is being really rude. I mean, I don't know any other way to communicate really. And when I'm being blunt, I understand logically that people could see it as rude for whatever reason. But for me, it's just being honest. It's being the most efficient with my words. Stuff, I don't know what's the point in saying ten words when you can say two and it mean the same thing. But it jolts people, I don't really know what else to say. It's that I don't mean it to be rude. I guess rudeness would often come if someone was being rude there on purpose saying it to upset people. That's not you, I've really come to learn that is not you. You're just saying what you're thinking. It is actually more honest than how a lot of people are living. But that is often perceived as rude. There's so many examples, but tiny example. We're on a group call. People are doing small talk. And you're just like, I'm done with a small talk now. Let's talk about work. You're interrupt someone. There is a world where that could be seen as rude. I mean, I try not to interrupt. But like, bear in mind. And I know that we talk about people and stuff like that. We're talking about neurotypical people. And probably ADHD people with like how they would perceive me as rude in this situation. Put me with a fellow. Tistic. We, we are like a house on fire. We achieve so much, so quickly, so efficiently, so accurately. We speak the same language as each other. It is a dream. Yes, so it's actually, you're not being rude. You're just being yourself. And in different social situations. That is perceived in different ways. Yeah, I've really had to adapt because I was obviously way on the repressed, overthinking people. Please a spectrum. So you put that next to someone who's really open and blunt. And we would get ourselves in situations when I'm like, if you can't say that, if you're being rude, can you smile more? Like, yeah. Trying to prod you like a doll to like, emote and say the right thing. I don't do that anymore. I just let you be you. And I think it's lovely. And people that love you know. And people that don't. They don't. Yeah, whatever. Okay. Number three. For you to translate for us. Going quiet means something's wrong. Um, so no, I, I, I love being quiet. I, not necessarily thinking. Are you talking mid conversation or just like normally? Oh, yeah. So shut down is when Rich wouldn't be able to speak to me or look at me. He's like, obviously very overwhelmed. Quietness. I'm more just mean, say, if we were in a group setting and you were just sat on your own. I don't know. If you were being quiet, if we were in a room together and you weren't speaking. That general quietness in life. Oh, like when we went to your friend Sean's birthday party. I was just sat quietly in the corner. I had a great time. That's nothing was wrong with me. I just didn't want to interact with people. I'd say that. Oh, that's so brilliant. You were sat quietly in the corner. And by the way, everyone else 30 people was stood up. Yeah, I sat down. So you didn't look quite unique in a wonderful way. And I remember being worried about it. I remember being like, are you okay? Don't need to chat to you. No, thanks. Here isn't that you had a lovely time. What just sat people. I love people watching. I don't mind people watching at all. I prefer especially with strangers. I'd prefer watching them than speaking to them. It's far more of it. It's less cognitive load. I can just see what's going on. Like a sort of bystander. Yeah, I can also become fond of somebody by just watching them interact with other people. I don't need to have a conversation like that. They've got a good vibe. Wow. See, that is. I've definitely struggled when you've been quiet in projecting onto that something's wrong. When actually some of your happiest times are when you're just sat quietly. Well, I think of me when it's me and you here, we can go hours and no words are spoken. No. A bit of phone scrolling, a bit of cuddle, maybe a little bit of Uber Eats. There might be some words for what we're going to have for dinner. Peace, OK, I've seen. OK, number four, if you'd translate it, please. You have to say this is a podcast. I know. You can't let people, we've probably lost 10% of the listeners by now in that silence. Oh, OK. When they need to know the exact plan, it's because they're controlling. So that removes so many uncertainties. And so when the best way I like to think of it, obviously I don't speak for all autistic people. I'm going to speak for me. There is a difference between liking structure and plans and needing structure and plans. If I don't know the plan, I am a bit overwhelmed, I'm a bit anxious. So I just, I need an itinerary. If it doesn't, it doesn't have to be written down, but like that's why I need to know. Are you talking about for us or like you as well? Because I sometimes like to know your plans. Not when you're doing what you're doing out of the house, but I'd like to know if you're out of the house. I think it can be both. It's this judgment that it's controlling for someone to, we all need to leave it this time. I need to know the plan. And I have in the past seen that as controlling. Have you? Yeah. Don't think you ever said. Oh, well. Well, you are now, I suppose. There you go. You're like direct communication here. Because example at the airport, we arrive at the airport. I want to get a coffee. No, we cannot. It's not on the plan. I get really freak you out. I've definitely had moments when I'm like, I want a coffee that we're in an airport. It's over there. Like, I feel in that moment I have felt controlled. I can't do something simple because I've deviated from your mind plan that you haven't told me. So it's so easy for the person next to you to feel that way. Like as if they can't have freedom to do what they want or to be more flexible with the plan. What I understand now is that it was never, it was never about controlling me. It was controlling your immediate environment to stop anxiety and to provide safety. So you having a detailed time plan and itinerary is so you can feel okay. Yeah. I mean, I guess a good explanation of the fact that it isn't controlling is if it would never happen. But if you said to me, well, we're going to the airport. I'm going to want a coffee. I'm going to want to look around the shops and I'm just going to want to vibe for a bit when we get there. Oh, I'll plan that in. I'll be like, that's that's bubby vibe time. You can have 45 minutes going to what you want. I'm going to sit in this chair. Please come back by this time. I think we may have just solved a big problem in your device relationships planning the vibe time. The problem is if you've got an ADHD partner, I'm not necessarily a big one for planning. Part of my vibe time is the fact that it like, do I want to go and smell some sense? Do I want to go in the bookshop and smell some books? Don't want to copy? Like, I like to have flexibility. No, but does that not provide it? Because I'm not saying you need to know what you're doing in that vibe time. You just need to know you've got that as vibe time. I don't know if I'd like it's like nine, twenty. You've now got twenty minutes of vibe time. I don't know if I'd like those constraints. You can, we're at the airport because we've got a plane to catch. This is why you've missed planes. Not a license, yes. Because I've been with you. Let's call it out. You've missed quite a few flights because of probably vibe time. And that is why you cannot have free reign of this. Fine, that is now starting to sound a bit controlling. But maybe some people need to be conscious. I think for an airport, maybe I am a bit controlled. You know, maybe. That's it. Okay, I've got a better example. Okay. If we are recording the podcast. Yeah. And you've written some notes for how you want it to go. Yeah. And then I've got an idea as well. Yeah. Some notes like how about we try this or we talk about this. Yeah. You can, I'm being really careful with my words. You're talking about today. It's happened today. Can I tell the truth? Yeah, go on. We were doing a wedding episode podcast. I was running late. Don't say a word. And Rich was going to plan the episode. I normally plan the episode. So he planned the episode, wrote notes. I came down and gave some feedback to your plan. Which didn't land very well. And I could see it happening. Like not, not a shutdown, but just a sort of like roadblock. I'll call it like an autistic roadblock. Like that's not what I've written down. That isn't what I've planned. So I was trying to like get you. Could we possibly do that story as well? It's like it's not what I've written down. It's not on my list. And I could see you struggling historically. Go back a few years. I would not have understood of like I'm trying to give feedback to make something better. Maybe that we do together and you're completely just roadblocking it. Now I just look. I'm like, cool. I've triggered the autism. Let's go carefully, slowly, kindly. Let's back off the energy. And actually after some time, you were completely okay. But do you see in that moment someone could look at you and go, God, he's not controlling. But he won't take feedback. He won't change his own ideas. Here's why it's not controlling. It's because we've both got the same goal. We both want people to watch the podcast, enjoy it, share it, all of that sort of stuff. You are the creative director of the podcast. I sit here and engage with typically your planned episode. Your planned, we'd talk them through, but they'll come from the depths of your great mind. But because we were running late, wasn't your fault? Let me just say that. You were like, do you want to do it? So I did. I went away. I got bullet pointed cards and stuff for that. We're on a time constraint. We had hardly any time to do it. And then you started to try and have new ideas. So I was like, there's one there's not time to change the plan. And number two, why have I done it then? I don't want to do it. No, but that's what I mean. I think someone in that moment who wasn't autistic would just say, I don't know if we've got time. Good ideas. Maybe we'll try and bring one or two of those in. But you were like, it's not on the bullet point. I was like, yeah, but we could add it. But I've already written it. I mean, it wasn't that I, oh, that's a blank card. I even ripped rope. Anyway, come on. I look at that now. I just understand it. I see it in a totally different way. Like there is a sort of, there's a safety in bullet points routine plans. And if someone knocks that in any way, it's knocking your sense of safety. My whole life is bullet pointed. Emails to do lists. Everything is in bullet point form. Mr. bullet point. If I ever communicate anything to anyone, it'll be in bullet points. Even what's apps? I love that. It works really well for you. Yeah, succinct, isn't it? It is succinct. Okay, number five. If they don't react emotionally, they don't care. Oh God, you must have thought I didn't give a shit. I won't lie. I probably did struggle a bit in the first couple of years. Couple of years. Yeah. Wow. Why did you stay with me then? And if you thought, oh, he doesn't care about anything that I say. It's probably a therapy question. No, I don't think you would have thought I don't like that. This is your moment to say it. Do you know what I mean? I knew that you cared. I knew you loved me. You showed me in so many ways. But there were moments when I was expecting an emotional. Okay, this is a really small example. Yeah. Like when you'd come to my. You'd come to my. gigs. And I think the first one was in 2022, so it means together two years. Yeah. And it's been my dream for 20 years. I've finally done it. Believe it. In the first show, believe it, sold out 200 people going to go together. And your reaction to that was at the show we're talking about. Yeah, just like, you didn't really say anything. You didn't a moat. What you did do is help you get there, drove the car, sold the merch. So you show all this love in all these like really practical, amazing ways that I need so much. I'm so grateful for. But my expectation of like, really big smile. Hey, I'm really proud of you. Well, well done. The song said, can I give you a cuddle? That wasn't there. By the way, there's no shame. I'm not, I'm not asking for that. I understand I get so much love in different, wonderful ways. But I remember at the time feeling a bit flat like, oh, is it not? It's really important to me, is it not important to you? Yeah. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, it's, it's well documented with autistic people. So I do feel like I'm sort of spline the flag for autism here in that we feel very deeply internally. But that doesn't always find its way out to the surface. So it won't, there's not a natural link between how I'm feeling inside and what my face looks like it's feeling. And, and because of that, and I've got quite a monotonous voice. So I could be really happy. I could say that I'm really happy. But my face is saying something different. But that's not, I'm not being sarcastic. I can, I can see that throughout years and years of us being together. But I know that now and I can understand it. It's actually unfair that I was looking for you to facially emote or do this big emotional, that's not true. We'll start crying. I would, it just wouldn't happen. And sometimes just not, no, but not, not for that normally. That's usually dog videos on TikTok. And it's funny. Yeah. Yeah. That they'll get you. But yeah, I think that is it's so important to look at the ways that you are loved. I will also say now, probably with the wrong facial expressions or different facial expressions, but I will make a point of, I know what's important to you and I will say that I'm proud of you and stuff like that, but I'm not maybe as enthusiastic. I'd love to hear that. If we are at Download Festival and I come off and you just gave Bubby, it can, Bubby, I'm really proud of you. I'll be exuberant, but no pressure because you'll be there. You will have driven us up like, yeah. I'm talking about Download Festival and loud noises. Oh, stop it. Stop it. See what I've done there. Yeah. We are so lucky on this podcast to be sponsored by the wonderful loop earplugs, a brand that Rich and I absolutely love. I've got ADHD and Rich is autistic, so we're both on the neurodivergent spectrum and that can often come with sound sensitivities. For example, if you're going to a music festival, you might love it, but it might be a bit loud or crowded in certain areas. So that is what loop earplugs are for. We've got our favorite ones on a website with loop earplugs where you guys get 20% off. We've got a kids range. We have got an engage range. We've got an experience range and a quiet range, basically anything that you need in life. I'm also telling you now as much as I love you talking about support and gigs and stuff, I wouldn't be going to download if I didn't have loop earplugs. It wouldn't happen. Are you going to wear the like real, which we have to decide, do you want to hear some of it or? No, I'll hear some of it. Look quiet. Block you out. Block you out. Well done, babe. No, I love that you will be backstage with your little loops in and it'll be. Yeah. It'll be lovely. I can't wait. Right, you ready? I'm ready. I'm loving this, but I feel like we're hashing out some unsaid stuff. Well, I didn't know this stuff was unsaid until now, but I also love it. Number six. When you miss a hint, you're doing it on purpose to be difficult. Oh my god. So this takes me to your birthday and I like this was so horrendous for me. No, that was my 40th birthday. Yeah, yeah. I found this so difficult and I actually said to you because basically, Rox hinted that she wanted a birthday party after telling me for five or six years that she didn't celebrate birthdays. It was like, well, I do now. It's been therapy, so I now want to embrace my birthdays. I'm like, what does that mean? And like, you didn't say it. You weren't mean about it, but I could tell you wanted me to take the hint and know what that meant and know what to do. And I was like, I don't, I want to make it special for you. I don't know what to do. I don't want to mess it up. So this is like an impossible situation for me. That was probably just before we kind of started thinking, oh god, actually, we got all the comments rich, one of us, one of us. Yeah, I really messed that one up. I did the sort of the neurotypical thing of kind of just, yeah, I might like, you know, something with maybe people that mean something, maybe something that I like. My dream, my kind of like sad, childish dream would be someone would throw me a surprise birthday. But birthdays have always been very, very difficult since my mum has died. So I have this childish fantasy. Someone is going to like notice that, ah, hold on, it's rocks, it's birth, it's throughout a big party and it's a surprise and everyone's there. And it's, yeah, it's a bit of a fantasy and I think I put it on you. And I would hope that person would be you, but that's not fair, is it? Yeah, but now I know that that's probably something I could do before we die. You wouldn't know about it. I didn't know that was the thing. You didn't, you've never said that before. That is probably like a pre-therapy fantasy. She, no, you don't want to party anymore. That's the highest one. No. So it's no longer a fantasy. Well, look, can we, we might, we might hash this out off the pod. I don't want a huge party where I don't know. Right. This is, you see what I mean, listeners. You couldn't, you couldn't win. I was hinting that I wanted you to do something. I didn't want to have to tell you exactly what to do because then it kind of ruined the magic of it being you thinking about me and being considered. I think that's it. Someone who goes, what would they like and like plan something? And actually, we both ended up getting upset, getting miss communication, firing all over the place. And then I, wait a minute, sorry. Can I just add to it? Not in my defeat. I know we're not arguing, but for my memory, if my memory serves me right, you decided to tell me that you no longer hated birthdays and would like to maybe do something like three days before your birthday. That is, that was difficult to comprehend. A hundred percent. Right. Right. Fine. But see, even in that, even in that experience, and this calls on the other point, my expectation, my unrealistic expectation, would your reaction to be, oh my god, Bobby, you've always hated birthdays. This is huge. I haven't got much time, but let's do some big smile tears in your eyes. Like, it's not, it's not bad. But I guess, I guess that really highlights the different neurodivergencies as well, because if I said that to you three days before my birthday, you'd be all over it. You'd be like a pig in poop. Me completely overwhelmed. It's not how I work. No, I know. But I think I was needing emotional reactivity. While dropping, I also need a plan on someone. It was, it was not, it was not right. And I've learned from that. So now, I will just tell you, I do think, you know, it is a bit of a tip. If you want someone to understand you, speaking their language. So if I speak to you directly, if I feel rude to me, you'll love it. If I'm like, I want to go out on Saturday, because it's my birthday. It means a lot to me. and you source it out. You'll go lovely. You'll absolutely love that. It's so sweet and then you did an amazing job, didn't you? Okay, number seven. Oh, look at this. When they don't want to go out, they're being extremely anti-social. Completely agree. But I don't want to be social. That's factual. But you can be social in a little group with me with a couple of baddies of Matt on your golf course, like you're not anti-social. Okay. Or do you think you are anti-social? If I got this one wrong? No, I'm not. I don't, maybe it's nuanced. Because if you said, they want to go to a party and I'm like, no, I want to stay here and watch Marvel movies. That probably is an anti-social, yeah. But I can do social in smaller groups and stuff. Moving on. That one's flopped. I see if I can bring it back with number nine. I've brought it back. So hard. Come on, Rucks. The need for accuracy is just about winning and dominating. Oh, that is so wrong. That is so wrong. Literally, so I have an innate need for accuracy. It has to be accurate. I don't care what the subject is, whatever, well, I do. For me, it's barely numbers based or patterns based or whatever. It's numbers, patterns, maths, taxes. So that sounds riveting. It is riveting. I know. Are you being sarcastic? Yes, my time. But I can be really clear with this. I'm doing a good job. So far. I need it to be right. I don't need to be right. I would prefer if I said something it was wrong. Someone corrected me. I'd be brilliant. That's now right. It's not about me needing to be right. So all the people maybe think that because they're wrong more times than I am. So I'm usually the one doing the correcting. And I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I will spot things. That is my talent. I like you've got some unbelievable creative talents. Give me something with patterns or numbers. And I will spot anomalies or inaccuracies. I'm thinking about you. It's like the tax man. That's your superpower. You can spot percentages in tax. It is your superpower. Right. It sounds for it, but you can put it in real, real world. So we are sounds going to set with social media influencers. So I can look through videos, understand all of the analytics, all of the insights, the engagement things, and I can help us in our business. So there's practical applications. I'm not just looking at spreadsheets and getting excited. It's in real life. No, and it's amazing. It adds so much value. But as an example, if you see something that's wrong and then you call it out, it can land to someone as you wanting to win. You're wanting to be right or to dominate, not so much of me, but some people that we work with, I'm sure they can, oh, God, riches, riches on one again. Oh, that's that 4.1 now. Is it, mate? Like I understand it. And I used to be conscious about it. I'm not anymore. I'm like, that's their problem. You fight for what is right, not for you being right. No, I used to apologise. I'm sorry for correcting you, but could you actually maybe do it correctly, please? Sorry, it's been in communities for fun. Just do it correctly. Well, this is wrong. You are fully unmasked. I love it. I think we're probably that here, aren't we? Coming in last one. Number 10. This is beautiful one. You ready? Yeah. I'm not going to say it the wrong way round, because it wouldn't work. When they show you love, they might just show it a little bit differently, but they still show it. Yeah. You aren't a big facial emoter. You aren't a cryer. You aren't really a hugger. Get too hot. You get too hot. So that normal thing of like what you imagine someone that's very loving and caring to be like, you're not, but you are incredibly loving and caring, but it looks different. It takes on a different form, and it's amazing, and it's so important that you don't miss that because you're, but why aren't you hugging? Why is your tone like so? Why aren't you like, don't miss the gold stuff? Well, I think with you, so I think you would like me to be more cuddly and all that sort of stuff, but it's not just about doing the laundry and helping with the kitchen and stuff. I think most of the time, if you're in the room with me or we're out together, I will have an awareness of what you might be struggling with, any potential issues you might face, things that you wouldn't have thought of, and I like mitigate that emotional burden and risk. That's what I do. 24/7. All the time. ADHD bumper car walking around me. And I always, like you always come up to me, late leaving the house saying, have you seen my, whether it's wallet or air pods or whatever, and I will always know exactly where they are. That's love, by the way. Yeah. That's real love. Oh, proud of you, baby. This has been our autistic translation guide. We hope that you've enjoyed it. I've been learning so much about Rich and his journey over the last couple of years, and it is such a pleasure to share it with you guys. We'd love to hear from you in the comments whether something we said has made you think, or maybe some translations and understandings that you have found yourself. And I've had a great time. If you've liked this episode, give us a like, follow, share, subscribe, whatever buttons you can see, press them, and if you haven't, don't use me. Have a good day. We'll see you next week.