Auf Wiederseh'n, Goodbye

Hysteria is brought to you by ZBiotics. Summer is right around the corner, which means your social calendar is about to be absolutely packed. I like living out my wildest extrovert dream. Who wrote this? The only way for me to tolerate being around people for extended periods of time, and by extended I mean for longer than 20 to 30 minutes, is to have at least one libation. Because otherwise I'm like way too uptight and they start bringing up things like, you know. Life. Life. And I have been bringing up history podcasts that I've been listening to. So like I was listening to a podcast about the fall of the Aztecs a while ago and was like, you have to stop bringing up Aztec rituals during conversations because it's weird. Live your best life. Right? But something I like to do for future me is taking ZBiotics pre-alcohol before going out. ZBiotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for rough days after drinking. Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. Like I said, if I'm going to go to like a summer event, I would like to have a cocktail. I'd like to have a cocktail. Not everything agrees with me. I'd take a little ZBiotics. I'd take a little ZBiotics before I go. It's easy peasy. Don't really have to think about it. Yeah. Have a little ZBiotics. Have like a reasonable number of cocktails. Drink water. One and a half is my number. Yeah. I can't really go much more than that before I'm waking up and having anxiety in the night. I'm too old. Exactly. So, you know, Erin, July is packed with barbecues, fireworks, late weekends, and late nights with friends. Keep the good times rolling into the next day. Drink pre-alcohol before you go out and wake up ready for whatever Sunday brings. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Remember to head to ZBiotics.com slash hysteria and use the code hysteria at checkout for 15% off. Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. Hello and welcome to Hysteria. I'm Erin Ryan. And I'm Alyssa Mastromonaco. Alyssa, you're here in the studio with me. I am. A little over eight years ago was our first episode of Hysteria and a lot has changed. What's something from back then in 2018 that you wished you could bring back? Erin, I'm not sure there's a lot from 2018 that we should bring back. Uh-huh. What happened in 2018? Aretha Franklin died. You want to bring back Aretha Franklin? I would bring back Aretha Franklin. Okay. That would be good. But the one thing I think that's like a bonus. A bonus of the last eight years is that we have to be close to the end of Trump's time on this planet. Yes. Yeah. Really? I mean, like, that is the, our first, I think it was our first emergency episode. It was the first episode was the first emergency episode. No, there was, okay, so we're thinking of two different ones. Okay. You're thinking of, who retired? Kennedy? Kennedy retired. Right. That was our emergency episode. But then there was another episode not long after that. You were still living in New York City. Yeah. When Donald Trump said that Senator Kirsten Gillibrand used to come to him on her knees. Oh, yeah. And he was implying that she was giving blowjobs. And we called Senator Gillibrand and we're like, will you record an episode with us really quick? And that was our first, that was like our first, I felt like that was our first real like, you know, we got into the studio quick in New York on the Upper West Side. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm not sure that there's much to bring back from back then. Just maybe he'll be done soon. maybe yeah and I don't mean you know I'm not wishing harm but you know I'm gonna say this higher quality clothing pre-2020 clothing was higher quality yeah yeah that's what I want to bring back 20 I want to bring back like 2012 quality clothing I still have items of clothing for 2012 most of my sweaters that I have are old school made in America right I just want some things with like regular sleeves because in 2018 that was peak sleeve madness it was peak sleeve madness today we get into Pete Hegseth's new testosterone policy there's a man inside every soldier and there should be a bigger man inside every soldier and the latest on the Tate brothers arrest in Miami wearing the Halloween costume of 2026 we're just predicting it now then we do a super size sandy petty and sprinkle a little joy into the week to celebrate Alyssa's final episode you're listening to hysteria the podcast that will sing the praises of estrogen replacement therapy from the rooftops for the next 20 years I hope yeah absolutely are you gonna sing about you make a song up about I will make a song about it it'll be put that patch on my ass that's that's the song that I will sing give me my little pearly pill because progesterone's like this little pearly pill uh-huh um estrogen musical estrogen the musical yeah I think you I think that's me guys it's my next move I think that's your next act broadway off broadway if anybody can like cobble together the funding for an estradiol estradiol broadway one woman estradiol show protracted poem it would be you it'll be my odyssey yeah yeah no I I think that is to that is to you what the odyssey is to Christopher Nolan it is 100 um wow let's let's see if Matt Damon's available maybe he can be like a side I don't think you know I don't think I could agamemnon character in this estrogen is agamemnon how you feel when you're on the estrogen yeah it is okay just like you can do it okay amazing amazing but when you don't you're between a rock and a hard place which also comes from the odyssey which also sounds like something that Pete Hegseth would say as he slowly transitions into Tobias Fiumke the man cannot get a sentence out of his mouth without sounding like he is deeply in the closet and everybody knows except him the funniest thing in watching the odyssey is just the way he sounds like he's like he's like he's like enjoying the fact that Pete Hegseth could never yeah there's not one person he wouldn't have survived Searcy he wouldn't have survived the ocean she never would have turned his ass back from a pig like he couldn't have done anything and even if he were just a suitor he'd have been the first to go to I think I think Hegseth would have tried to make out with the eagle yeah that's about right and then he would have gotten clawed and like take me away yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly well let's talk about our he's at it yeah he's he's at it he's he just blew himself um Pete Hegseth's obsession with masculinity and the male physique has gone medical okay he announced last week that testosterone deficiency tests will be added to the annual health screenings for military personnel age 30 and older can I oh god we don't have enough guys who punch the wall enough that's the that's the problem with the military which so so as it's as it goes any troops that have low testosterone results will be offered voluntary hormone replacement therapy gender affirming care much troops under 30 can also request to be screened voluntarily why like here's the thing about all this I mean let me finish Hegseth claims that this move is to take care of a service member's long-term health are they getting colorectal screenings like I mean if we're talking about long-term health yeah are they gonna are they are they giving them access to mental health care like real access to mental health care doesn't sound like it last month the FDA proposed looser prescription limits for testosterone and remove and removal of all safety language from TRT product labeling okay okay so well the good news is these people probably don't read the labels so like what's the point of even making them isn't it kind of a waste of a manufacturing step but it's like when you go through the fact that like we have well here's the interesting thing is that in HRT for women there used to be a black box label about clots and contraindications because of the packaging in those boxes the removal of the black label warning is a contributing factor to the massive estrogen shortage because the boxes just had to be fixed again not an issue it seems for these guys somehow they're fixing the boxes and getting the vials and and getting them all set up but here's the thing I think it's a really important thing to do is to make sure that the boxes are fixed because if they're not they're not going to be able to be replaced because if they're not they're not going to be fixed because if they're not they're not the thing testosterone replacement therapy can indeed help men increase muscle mass and energy however it's got side effects no there can't be a downside I want to be done listening before we hear the downside because I've heard a couple okay should we go through a couple let's see okay I listed them out here okay so uh high blood pressure okay blood clots okay shrinking testicles okay which I don't even care about I mean that's like a personal problem swelling or enlarged problems okay so I don't even care about I mean that's like a personal problem swelling or enlarged doesn't sound great sounds really uncomfortable severe acne and male pattern baldness I think that's hilarious so funny I mean imagine if because here's the thing we'll finish going through but I just have such a excess testosterone this is one I guarantee none of them know about excess testosterone can convert into estrogen causing breast tenderness and enlargement okay they can get boobies wow yeah they can get boobies um increased aggression which none of them need severe insomnia impaired judgment and rash decision making OK. OK. OK. Also, infertility. That's the thing. Are we are we having a birth rate crisis or not? Because if we are, why are we trying to create a fully infertile military? Because but here's the thing about all this. They don't need this. None of them need this. And the fact that they have made clear that like some of the regulations are going to like loosen up and the black box labels coming off and it really feels like they're just going to go in and be like, hit me. Like they're just like going to roid themselves up with testosterone. And the funniest tell will be when all of well, they'll have rage, which will be bad for everyone. But maybe male pattern baldness will plague them all. I'm sorry. Like, OK, so here's my theory on it. I feel like I'm an armchair like psychiatrist when it comes to Pete Hegseth, because like you're very good at that much whoring around that that much drinking. There's like a deep, deep shame in him. Like he has something. Something very deeply embedded that he's holding on to that he will not acknowledge. And it's our problem now. What do you think Pete's crazy pastor would say about that? He's been kind of mum on it. I don't know, but he looks like Doug Wilson. Yeah, the pastor, the Idaho pastor. He looks like he is disintegrating. I don't know if you see he is like looking very he looks like the old kings in like in Lord of the Rings, like scurvy ish. He looks like he's great. He's like getting. Oh. He's like. He's like turning into dust. He's not aging very well. Do you think his bad vibes have eaten him from the inside out? I don't know. I mean. I don't know. Take away a woman's right to vote. He is not looking healthy. And like Pete Hegseth also during his testimony in front of I believe it was the Senate. Oh, yeah. On Tuesday. Looking sweaty, my guy. So sweaty. You could tell because they must have done like a finish over his makeup. You know what I mean? Because it was like beading. Mm hmm. Like it wasn't just like a schvitz. Yeah. It was there were droplets. Yeah. There's nothing. I mean, and that's not very masculine either. No. I don't think. But yeah, he was so sweaty. He looks so uncomfortable. Not very masculine. He put a special new makeup studio into the Department of Defense. He was so he was also so whiny. He was so like petulant and looked like a fool. He's the equivalent of like, come on, guys, give me a break. I want the money. This is stupid. Give me the money. No one's ever come less prepared for any any job. And you know what? That's the tone. With which he asked for money really brought to mind the fact that he torpedoed two separate veterans charities. Oh, his mismanagement, partying and whoring like he torpedoed them. And now he's in part. He's being like, come on, just another trillion. Just another trillion. I read somewhere yesterday that the the amount of money that the administration wants for the war is the equivalent of forty four hundred dollars per American household. Forty four hundred dollars. That's insane. That is fucking insane. To a lunatic. The war is also costing American households money at the gas pump. Like and when they're paying for their power. Getting you coming and going. Everything is costing more. And like they're literally what he is doing. I'm sorry. Like I'm going off the leg. Do it. I'll win a little bit. We are supposed to be talking about testosterone. Maybe I have a little excess of it today. A little roid rage. I'm feeling a little roidy. You know what? What they are doing is saying this war, which we haven't explained and nobody wants. We expect you to pay from your own pocket. Right. At least five thousand dollars each. Each household. Please. Come on. Come on. Give us this money for the like. I can think of so many things that almost every American would rather spend that money on. Absolutely. I would rather give it to a teacher. I would clear some lists. Yeah, exactly. It's like there are so that is such a fucking waste of money. And the fact that he went in front of them all sweaty and being like, all right, war fighters. Maybe maybe. It's. It's such a silly, silly man. And he's so he's so fucking silly. And this whole testosterone thing is fucking silly. It's just another stupid expense. It is. And it's it's kind of been a mask off moment for some conservative commentators. Like there's there's a clip of Jesse Waters that's going around. Do it. Let's watch what he had to say about this. He says you lose your endurance, muscle mass. So, yeah, I want these guys on it. But you know what's going to happen? The guys that don't need it are going to take it to triple boost. Right. And then they're going to get. And women on base, you guys better be careful. Port calls, women in Asia. You better be careful because these guys are going to be wild animals. You better watch out. You should have held his hand. Yeah, but I don't know if I would have. So here's what's so deeply fucked about what he said. If you if you read what the Department of Defense is saying, is if you have low testosterone, we will basically top you up is what they're saying. He's saying the truth that we're just going to give you more testosterone, because if people just had if men had the just correct level of testosterone, they would not be pillaging and raping, as he is saying. But he's the one telling the truth that this is this is exactly what's going on. They're going to top them up to become savage warfighters when they're like, we're not going boots on the ground any place. So they're just going to be like angry. Around each other. And then, yeah. So a lot of Asian news outlets had a lot to say about what Jesse Waters. What a fucked up thing for somebody to say. That's fucked up. Also, like, he does not seem like he's got an appropriate amount of testosterone to me. I mean, I'm sorry. Like, no. When I think about a manly person, I'm not like, oh, Jesse. Jesse Waters and his burnt eyebrows. Someone show me a picture or a video of Jesse Waters fixing anything. Oh, yeah. Chopping a log. Oh, like, remember that video of Bernie Sanders lighting a stove with a single match? Yeah. So that to me, I'm not saying this in a thirsty way because I would never. I don't want to have sex with Bernie Sanders. I you don't have to. OK, but we just did. We just did a show last week about like sexual insanity. Right. Like among MAGA women. I think that that is manly being able to light a wood stove with a single match. And I cannot picture Jesse Waters like knowing how to do anything. There is nothing. In real life that I can picture Jesse Waters doing. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I bet he uses dude wipes. I bet he has a difficult time with like with his tush. I think. Yeah. I bet he has like. But he won't like use the regular. He's got a bidet. I bet he's got a bidet, which is fine, which is fine. But like, do you think if you're going to go out there and be like, oh, I'm fucking busted head. It's going to be funny when all the rape that's going to be when like if there was a list of masculine activities, you and I would probably outperform him in each and every one. A hundred percent. I would. I would actually probably beat him in a race. Oh, you. I wouldn't because I run like Hannah Horvath. I haven't run in a really long time, but I did like recently lose weight. And so I'm lighter than I used to be. So I think that it might say I am scrappier. Yeah, I could take flight. I couldn't run, but I could take flight. I tried to do pushups yesterday for the first time in a really long time. And I was like, oh, so good. I can do pushups. I could still do. You know what? I bet we could both do way more pushups. I could definitely. Real ones. Not the not the girl ones. I can do real ones. I could definitely plank for long. I could plank for longer than Jesse Waters. I could plank for longer than him. Definitely. I can definitely withstand more pain than him. We could plank longer than Pete Hegseth. Oh, yeah. Pete Hegseth. Prancing Pete. I don't think he can. Oh, my. Yeah. His little like his legs. His little silly workout. Such a loser. Just there's something so like I heard Michael Wolfe, the journalist who is. Yeah. Kind of a sleazeball, but not an idiot. Describe Hegseth as like a ridiculous person. He is. And I think. I think like that is the word to me that is the most apt about this whole thing. Like Jesse Waters is a ridiculous person. Ridiculous person. These guys that are obsessed with manliness and masculinity from their offices talking about warfighters and shit where they are not in harm's way. They're ordering so many lobsters that they are like. They're ordering like hundreds and hundreds of lobsters to meet the budget needs of the. They did. That's right. To spend the budget. Right. So like. They did. They are not. They are. They are. Like a new piano. They are so silly. I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. It is a ridiculous way to live. It is a ridiculous way to talk. When Pete Hegseth isn't like two camera wrestling, when he's not doing that, when he's in front of Congress, it is like, oh, holy shit, you are ridiculous. You're. He is. He is not an intelligent person. Like there are people with. But he used to be. But he used to be. That's the thing. He was the valedictorian of his high school class. He went to Princeton. Right. He drank that shit away. But then he signed up for weekend duty. On Fox. And that was it. That was it. He threw some axes that missed. Remember that? Oh, my God. He hit a member of the Marine Corps. Right. Right. That's right. Yeah. A military band. And it was all downhill from there. But any person who wears a flag tie and a flag pocket square that don't even match. You're a cartoon fucker. Flag hag. He's a. And he's also, again, and I know that like I say this all the time, I don't mean it to be like. I don't mean it to sound homophobic. What I mean it to sound is offensive to to Pete Hegseth, who would hate to be called gay. He sounds like him being like, I want you guys all to be shaved. I want you all to be in shape. Like, it sounds like if we didn't know it was him and someone else were speaking it, it would sound like a form of erotica. It would. Yeah. Everything about him. Like we talked about this in our this fucking guy episode about Hegseth. But everything he does is just like steeped in homoeroticism and a yearning for more. Men, I just want men everywhere all the time. - All the time. - In me, around me, through me. hot it's like jacked that's fine dude like just find a boyfriend you know what i mean like right and also just leave just leave leave everyone in the military alone meanwhile um 18 service members have died yep and the pentagon has gotten caught lying about how many have gotten hurt it's 100 it's 100 it's i heard 400 oh really yeah i heard it was over 100 yeah over 100 it's 400 and the pentagon was like yeah but a lot of them were concussions and it's like that that's hurt that's a form of getting hurt what is that what does that mean yeah but a lot of them are broken arms well that's her you know it's hurt are they wait oh my god the fact that we even have to question what their litmus test is for an injured soldier is injured to them i bet is only shot i mean the thing is like that is this really brings into relief the fact that like it is sort of this like concern warrior kabuki that he's doing he's like acting like a warrior and that's what donald trump likes is people that act like they're from central casting and pete hegseth looks like uh the head of a man who would be on a screen in a bad transformers selling supplements yeah yeah or like listen up soldiers you know like we're in a video game or something meaning like meant to be hokey he's like a side character that like appears and you're whatever it's just like they don't really care about the on-the-ground realities of the soldiers they've hundreds of them have been going over battle plans no he's not he's not forming diplomatic relationships with the soldiers he's not forming diplomatic relationships with the soldiers he's not that could help keep us from having war like no it is there is nothing they are this isolated roided out group of people he's fast he is he is fantasizing about manliness with his hand down his pants totally i mean like when you look back on past administrations and other secretaries of defense they fly around the world meeting other secretaries of defense pete hegseth has no role in our foreign policy aside from promoting testosterone from like that's that is this is his this is his only job like that's the thing that people have to remember he is he is doing nothing strategic he is not actually a war planner he and we know that because we saw his small yemen group chat yeah right right yeah so you know cats out of the bag but he is he is nothing but a cartoon character yeah and we're done history is brought to you by fatty 15 there's been a groundbreaking discovery to help us all age healthier and it's thanks to helping dolphins erin's dolphins thank you dolphins we're excited to share with you guys c15 for you guys and we're excited to share with you guys c15 for you guys from fatty 15 the first emerging essential fatty acid to be discovered in more than 90 years it is an incredible scientific breakthrough to support our long-term health and wellness and you 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you experience the new standard in comfort and support with honey love and we're back you're listening to hysteria the podcast that demands justice for the buttons on andrew tate's shirt i mentioned in the intro to the show that the best halloween costumes of 2020 are going to be available at the end of the year so if you're interested in that you can go to oh for sure already already in the can and those costumes are andrew and tristan tate getting arrested ladies yikes all you need you need like a plum button down plum button down you need great tits but halloween is for the tits right if you've got good tits you want them if they're almost as nice as andrew tate's you should like use it as an excuse to really show off the slutty tate yeah well i mean tate was dressed slutty he was dressed he dresses and he was wearing like his little britches his his little capri pants his little capri pants and he was wearing his little slides dainty shoes his fancy little slides and like tristan tate they're just they're funny they're like there's something they're horribly disgusting people but the online out like outcry over their outfits was some of the funny shit i saw they bought it with their kohl's cash did you get that from chico's someone said the sassiest paralegal in the law firm i feel like contempo casuals yes you could have definitely bought that totally outfit but the stylist would be like i would not pair those two things together right tempo casuals but you would have been able at the height of contempo casuals you would have been able to buy the like silky purple top right that can be like buttoned in such a way that it plunges um we long ago many years in the white house had a friend who tried to get on a muscle building diet and um what he did pfeiffer no no but what he didn't realize was that he was just uh getting fat he was just getting weight and at one point they're like a list you have to tell him what's happening like you you have to be the one to go in and all i did was i went in and i said person your buttons are screaming for help like they were holding on by a thing and that when i saw that i was like oh his buttons gave up his buttons are just like he bought a women's someone someone was saying it's like a women's medium yeah sure it was like a women's medium yeah and this was like the button he could get was down here uh-huh and the rest was uh was just screaming for help. Oh, yeah. You know what? It was like when I was pregnant and the part of being pregnant where my boobs just got huge. Yeah. But like the rest of my body wasn't huge yet, but my boobs got huge and it was just like, oh, like life. Yeah. Yeah. Hang on for dear life. But yeah, he's really he's been arrested. If you're blessed enough to not be aware of the Tate brothers, we're going to give you a quick rundown. We're not going to get granular because that shit's dark, pretty dark, dark. But before he became the Manosphere poster child, Andrew Tate was a kickboxer. He was a guy who got kicked in the head professionally, who also appeared on Big Brother UK in 2016. He was kicked off the show after six days when video surfaced where he appeared to be hitting a woman with a belt. That's problematic. But cancel culture didn't work. He began to build a social media empire by showing off wealth and preaching toxic masculinity. Now, I must say, recall that New York magazine article about how the feed is fake. Right. It mentioned in that New York magazine article about the way that like the feed and the algorithm is manipulated. It indicated that some of Andrew Tate's rise to popularity was probably manufactured. It was probably artificial and it eventually kind of snowballed. So whatever popularity we think he has, it's probably less in real life than he actually has. But anyway, he's got 10 million followers on Twitter. Who knows how many of them are bots? His less famous but also grotesque brother, Tristan, the Fredo of the Tate family, I guess, also appeared on a less relevant British reality show, Shipwrecked. And he wrote his brother's coattails, his coattails in the copy, but I'm going to say dick. He wrote his brother's dick to fame. And they aren't all talk. They have an extensive track record of really awful crimes against women, violence, rape, sex trafficking, including of minors. The accusations are really, really gross, like I said. So if you really want to get granular, you can do that. It's frankly as bad as you think it could be. Rabbit hole at your own risk. So the latest is over the weekend, the Tates were arrested at a bare knuckle boxing event in Miami. Where they were, they were dressed ridiculously after British authorities filed new sex trafficking and rape charges against them. Hmm. Sounds like these guys are just like incapable of learning their lessons. Really bad. I mean, this is what happens with high testosterone and getting hit in the head over and over again. Head injuries plus testosterone equals just like rage, violent, dumb ass rage machines that can't button their own clothes up. If this feels like deja vu, it's because they already have sex. They already have sex. They already had dozens of charges against them in the UK. And the new ones this week bring the total up to 59 between the two brothers. Just 10 off from the nice number. I think they can get to 69. Well, they're catching up to Donald Trump. They're catching up to Donald Trump. They also have an ongoing human trafficking and organized crime case in Romania. Hmm. Has to be pretty bad. Yeah. The Romanians aren't done with them. Yeah. Which complicates things. They served jail time in a house arrest and in 2025, their travel restriction was lifted and they relocated to Miami under judicial supervision. The case is still ongoing and a Romanian court ruled in 2024 that the brothers could not be extradited to the UK until the case concluded. But the US is not bound by that agreement and can still extradite them to the UK. They appeared in federal court in Miami on Monday looking ridiculous. Their lawyer also looking ridiculous. It is like the most, it's like everything bad that you think about Miami. And these guys are transplants, right? I feel like most cities that have like a reputation of like douchiness, it's carried by the transplants. Like in LA, people think LA is like whatever. People who are born and raised in LA are not superficial. They're like cool, normal people. People who are born and raised in Miami, not. But the Tate brothers are sort of like this cartoon version of like the Miami. The worst. Yeah. It's like a club promoter combined with like a drug dealer combined with like. A cam person. Anyway, their lawyer, his name is Joseph McBride. He represented some J6ers and he claims the charges are politically motivated and that the UK's extradition request interferes with their other pending proceedings. Too bad though. Yeah. And the Trump administration, despite kind of cozying up to the type of people that are fans of the Tates, has indicated that they're not going to interfere with the extradition. Nope. So don't let them. If the door hits you where the good Lord split you. Yeah. To the other side of the pond they go. Well, here's something funny and sad. Despite the millions of followers, the New York Times reported there was only one male supporter outside of the courthouse with a sign calling the Tates heroes. Sad. You know, maybe the men would be less lonely if they would get together and support the Tates. Get a little arts and crafts together, have a sign making party. Do you think the internet numbers, like to what extent do you think their popularity is inflated? A lot. Yeah. Like a lot. Like, I mean, obviously they made money, right? That's how they got rich. But, I mean, look, Erin, we both lived in media in the 2010s. Mm-hmm. The numbers are like pretty fungible. Mm-hmm. Like, back then it was Google Analytics and, you know. It was pretty easy to buy. Like, I know that where I. There were ways you could juice your numbers. Yes. There always were. And where I worked, we were pretty adamant about not doing that. Right. Not doing that. But there were places that notoriously did. Yeah. And I think you and I know which ones they were. We know we're talking about. But even like one of the things this reading this made me think of was like in the show Succession, when Lucas Madsen is about to acquire all of Roy Star Waco. Mm-hmm. And it comes out that all of his India numbers are just a lie. Like all of his India subscribers, like they don't exist. Uh-huh. And so I think that there's a lot of that. I think there's a lot of that in this too because they goose their numbers. So they get advertising based on that and it's not real and people buy their supplements. And I guess it'd be nice to think that misogyny didn't make this much money. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, it obviously is fairly lucrative, but I just don't think it's as lucrative as they indicate. And also, they're just so fucking corny. I know we just got done talking about like ridiculous men, but they're ridiculous. They're ridiculous. They're ridiculous. They're ridiculous. They're ridiculous men and like they're ridiculous men who I feel like that sort of masculinity, the type of masculinity they preach is antithetical to what it means to be a human being. And I am going to sound Goebbels adjacent here. Okay. But I truly believe that violent people, most of whom are men, but there are some violent women, but most of whom are men, violent people need to be expelled from society and not allowed to reproduce. Like actual people who have violence. Yeah. People who perpetually are harming other people. It is antisocial. Human beings are social animals. We are supposed to coexist socially. We are supposed to help each other. Right. That is what our species is. That is why our species survived. We cannot let a ethos of destruction and domination shepherd our species. We cannot do it. They need to be completely put on an island and left to destroy each other like a Lord of the Flies island. Literally the conceit in the island. Odyssey. I mean, but seriously, you know. It is like the world was ruined when they broke Zeus' law about hospitality and being kind to your neighbors and letting someone in because you never know who is a god. And then there were just islands with ragey men. Yeah. And I think we need to go back to doing that. And I think we need to have Tate Island. Let them practice kissing on each other or whatever. Let's get Circe on this. Let's get Circe. Where is Circe? She needs to come back. Who plays her? Samantha Morton? Samantha Morton. Samantha Morton. She's amazing, right? Unbelievable. I am like, I am excited to watch it. She is as brutal as that scene is to watch. You're like, get him. It's very, very heartening. My introduction to the Odyssey was the DuckTales episode. That was the Odyssey episode of the DuckTales. It is a fucking amazing episode. Was there really? There was a DuckTales episode. I remember like being haunted by the sirens. They're like this. Of course. Sirens Island. Yeah. And they were like attached to this like scary sema. Monster. Anyway, it was really. Yes. So syphilis, whatever. Not syphilis. But it sounds something like that. But it's funny because when we saw the movie, I crowdsourced my friends from middle school and high school. And I was like, did I make this up? We read this in seventh grade. They were like, no, we read it in sixth grade. And I was like, right. And we got, we did skits. So we did Nausicaa and the sirens in Filene's basement sheets that we made into togas. Of course. But then my friend reminded me of the other part of the. Four month thing we did on the Odyssey. We made dioramas predict like depicting our favorite scene. Think about like. That is not for kids. That is not. How crazy the Odyssey is. And we were like, here's my Cyclops diorama. Made it with Play-Doh. Oh, my gosh. It was so funny. I asked my friend. I asked Gaffney. I was like, do you have yours still? She's like, it may be somewhere. Oh, my God. Because, yes. So we made we made Odyssey dioramas. Oh, my God. That's so funny. When I was in college, I studied in Greece. And. Oh, that's right. You did. Yeah. Yeah. And like we my program, like we went all over the country and stuff like that. And we drove past like where Thermopylae happened. Oh, yeah. It was before the movie The 300. Uh-huh. And I remember like I had a friend. My friend Jack was like reading this book that was like about The 300. And he was like telling everybody about it. And he's like, this should be a movie. And then it was a movie. Anyway, I feel like the Tate brothers saw the movie through The 300. And they're like, we are basically Spartans. But really, all they are. fucking douchebags. They're douchebags. Because I can't imagine that they would do anything. like brave when faced with like real no they're violent depraved douchebags i think the spartans were probably a little douchey yeah i mean you know they were but you know they at least had honor they all like fought together until the very last one of them was killed like that's pretty that's i'll tell you the one the one heartening thing about all the odyssey discourse is i'm like how are there so many odyssey experts on tiktok i'm like this is incredible and they're nerds like they are straight nerds there are people who have maybe never made a tiktok but they were like now is my fucking moment yeah and i don't study the classics anymore i can watch them all day yeah it's really wonderful well now you've really sold me on this movie and i feel like that's a more upbeat way to end this tate brothers getting arrested yeah but i see the odyssey yeah i do think like i've been really inspired by like just looking at their silly little outfits and i really want to do a like buy the look i want to find i want to like source absolutely like the cut stylist style where i'm like here's how to get the look and then but i think like bald cap you could bring me back for halloween and we could do it right do you want to be the tate brothers i'm just saying i think we kill you know that you're you're free to come back whenever you want if you happened to be here i'm just saying it's gonna be right before the election it might be fun we should be the tate brothers okay okay all right we're gonna take a quick break now that we've settled our halloween costumes six months early six months wait no it's july it's like three months three months oh my god the election's gotta get them out holy shit purple shirts are gonna be sold out i know back order all right i'm we're gonna take a break so that we can order our purple shirts but we'll be back with more hysteria hysteria is brought to you by willie's remedy are you tired of waking 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at checkout that's an additional 20 off better plants and better growing at fastgrowingtrees.com using the code hysteria at checkout fastgrowingtrees.com code hysteria now is the perfect time to plant let's grow together use hysteria to save today offer is valid for a limited time terms and conditions may apply and welcome back you're listening to hysteria the podcast for people who are intrigued by the zara death pants there is something called zara death pants what are they for they're for death i guess no they're they're just pants that are really like wide legged and cut long oh those are insane yeah they are death pants because if you're not like built like a stork you have when i saw the death pants i was like oh that's how i would break out my front three teeth walking down the stairs to do laundry you were natasha yourself yes they're just exactly wow specific reference i feel like i feel like everybody who watched that episode of sex in the city where natasha is chasing carrie on big's apartment and she trips and falls down the stairs and chips her teeth what are clearly marble stairs yeah oh i can't watch that episode i feel like everybody i think it made an impression absolutely yeah yeah um anyway so zara death pants we're not going to be buying them but i'm glad they exist because it gives me a chance to say zara death pants zara death pants sounds like an incantation like a witchy and we're in a kind of coven setup right here we're in a coven you might notice we've got some uh glasses of bubbly got little bubbles uh you've got coffee and bubbles which is a bad combo but i am well i'm done with the coffee now okay well thank you for keeping the the branding yeah front and center i kept it legit yeah up to the the last episode as we mentioned it's alissa's last episode is the permanent yes co-host right she will be back yeah just we we keep saying that it is true this is we're just you know gotta go try new things yeah i go do new let's uh so now we're gonna have fun yeah yeah also um caroline reston is here yes yeah oh yes for this segment we want to have some fun all along the way our senior producer caroline reston welcome caroline hi alissa and thanks for welcoming me i just in case you didn't and people didn't remember my voice which is totally fair um just thought i'd just after a third person myself they do um i just really wanted to force my way in just for just like for a few minutes because you know i'll miss you and i love you both so i really you know you dick cheney'd yourself i did i am the new co-host no i'm not i would actually love to have you on the show i would love to have you on the show probably work but no it would not work um yeah we were also reminiscing about a time early in caroline's tenure here because she's been at crooked for almost as long as hysteria yeah and she was having a rough day at work came over to my house and we had wine at like 1 p.m yeah so we're recreating the moment yeah exactly except for this time earlier we're going 10 p.m but that's brunch time no it is it is a perfectly acceptable time completely acceptable any alcohol clear or like light in some way is acceptable before noon you have tequila so many rules is that a rule that's like more of like a guideline made it up well i mean i guess yeah tequila brunch drink well tell me a bloody mary but that's vodka and a dark drink's not clear yeah but it's the spirit of the alcohol oh so you're just saying no bourbon yeah or whiskey or whiskey okay that's what that's problematic you know this rule doesn't hot track well you know we're talking it out we're talking out oh yeah cheers to alissa cheers to everybody to everybody to you both all right so what are we what are we doing caroline's in charge oh okay so i'm in charge so we originally gonna just like take fun questions out of a tin and like answer questions and then after my various reminders to erin she did forget the tin we don't have the tin my older daughter was being a butt she's four and a half and she was being a real butt this morning look and i just was like put your shoes on put your shoes on put your shoes on put your shoes on and i don't know it doesn't matter so luckily we have a computer and you can just like read some from the computer yeah so i mean this was like uh we've done this before four in the past where we just like kind of ask fun questions and then you know it's like an episode of the housewives where they play games at the table but then something more fun comes from the original questions okay so i'm gonna start with uh a classic housewives question okay who in the circle do you trust the least no i'm kidding that is a classic by the way oh my god is meant that's meant to get a table flip the answer is myself that's a good one same that's the way to get out of that definitely totally untrustworthy um okay wait so actually kind of like inspired by the odyssey question i know this is a different type of people but what's your roman empire oh the thing you think about the most the thing you think about the most the thing i think about the most ancient egypt 100 ancient wow we're going totally different places yeah like the gods and goddesses i used to have like the king list memorized like all of the photos that have been written down i had it memorized and i knew how long they'd been in power not for like fun right i took a class in college as like an elective an egyptology class and part of it was like our final exam if we wanted like extra credit we had to fill out the king list in order and how many roughly how long their reigns were and i got it right i know that's like it's very it's it it feels it's like a hyper fixation for me i get that do you ever dabble in the conspiracies that like aliens built the pyramids no not not whatsoever that seems insane no no i it's the way the fact that they built those pyramids seem insane to me well i've seen them it's i've been i've been to the pyramids it is like the most impressive human made thing i've ever seen in my life over a thousand years i the old kingdom is when they made the pyramids so like the pyramid the the pyramids were like four thousand five thousand years old um they're insane they it was like a series of ramps and yeah it was yeah pretty crazy and the thing that's just sad is that the ones for the women are much smaller yeah but because of that in like the tombs of the valley or like there's the valley of the kings in the valley of the queens um some of the more showy tombs were more likely to be raided and victorians thought that you should eat mummies so a lot of the mummies were eaten oh wow that's true there are some really good documentaries on uh like eating mummies no on like egyptology and stuff on netflix that are really good yeah i also like in my sub sub fixation is on hatshepsut the queen of egypt who she was a female pharaoh yeah and she was um daryl barry was a monument that was made for her by her lover who was the chief architect of like ancient her kingdom and it's like that place that has all the columns you would probably recognize it if you saw it it's like down the nile aways it's like got a bunch of columns and it's just this beautiful monument and she was depicted in a lot of art with a penis because really? she was and and as a man because she was uh a pharaoh and she wanted to have like oh wow the illusion of power anyway i could go off on hatshepsut for a long time that's incredible that's a really good one yeah i don't i can't believe i barely talk about it on the show i've never heard you want to talk about egyptology you should we should have had a whole segment over eight years they also like worshipped cats they did very much though yeah um they had like two several cat gods my favorite one is um there's a lion goddess named Sekhmet who is the goddess of war and menstruation the tracks yeah anyway it see you just made me think of this thing i saw where they took uh our boyfriend Erling Haaland and they um they did all of the phases of a women's cycle but as Erling that's so funny it was yeah the luteal it was really i was like that's amazing wait what's your fixation what's your like oh so mine is so trite so for many years when i was a little girl i was like oh my god i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so when i was growing up it was the friendship between lucille ball and vivian vance because there is this podcast that came out years ago which was based it was it they turned it into a podcast but it was just interviews that lucille ball did in the 1960s for cbs and they turned them into a podcast and it was wild because it's the most famous people of the time but the best interview is with lucille and vivian and they're literally just talking about like their homes like and how they clean and it's like so clear that they don't have housekeepers and like how they keep their houses clean but then when i like really thought about what is my roman empire and what i think about way too much it's the friendship between matt damon and ben affleck that's not what i was expecting you to say that's no funny it is so so you need to understand when i was a tiny baby cat i'm a senior at the university of wisconsin goodwill hunting has come out we saw it so many times and on a cold night we watched the oscars when they won and i was like so inspired i was like i can be them like i can be them someday and so ever since then there is nothing that they have done that i have not like watched rooted but like when they have these shows that come out it's like matt damon on fucking amy poehler oh my god and it's like it's like just the other night and now i just because especially because matt has a movie out now i um they have like their baby pictures from when they were little friends in cambridge and i just i think that what they have done and like the thing that i think is the greatest about them in general everything is that i think that they have seemed to move through this world as smart kind people who are interesting and try to tell a question mark on ben sometimes yeah i think that matt seems more solidly yeah i mean ben's had struggles right right which have led to question some iconic photos of him oh absolutely like just still smoke i mean he still smokes that's all we need to know yeah he's still struggling yeah but i think that like now and now they have this like lovely after all these years they were like we grew up they were two kids who went to like dance class like acting classes when they were 14 years old together they would take the bus to new york city together to take these classes and they become talented all these years and it was only like a couple years ago they were like we got into this business to do it together so like let's form a company and they formed a company and the person who kind of runs it is matt's wife and i just think it's the i just want that we have that okay what are you trying to tell me i'm just saying we could i mean just saying that we are doing life is long life is long and the fact that they got into something together and then had all these other projects and then we're like oh my god we're going to do this we're going to do this we're like what are we doing yeah we love this let's do something together robert downey jr and his wife yeah like run their production you know them i kind of know them because i was i was working on a project for them right before the shutdown and um she's so impressive like i i don't want to i don't want to sound like a hollywood blowing yeah but it's true but she was so like hands-on so smart so impressive and it's like that is awesome that those two the two people of that talent found each other and they're able to work together it's wonderful yeah that's super cool and it's like in a world where you're like oh my god i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this that feels very like fake i just think they're not they have like this lovely thing and they've come together and you know it's and it was funny because when matt got the role of odysseus he texted his wife and she's like i'm on a zoom and so he was like fuck it and then he called ben and ben and his wife were working together and he goes in he's like you got the role and she texted him why didn't you tell me first and i was like i love everything about this oh what's yours um i have truly so many but if i'm like like i i get very hyper fixated on things my runner-up would be just like marie antoinette and justice for her in general but right probably titanic oh and like the actual event the movie too i love love love the movie but the actual event i've always been obsessed with i've written research papers on it i find did you see the movie when it came out of course how many how old were you i was like nine ten years old how many times did you oh so many i was in college everywhere so many times um and then i bought it on vhs and it was the two parts um oh right right right right um but what i think what i mean i'm not the only person who's like super obsessed with titanic by the way new hulu documentary that does a minute by minute play of like actor reenactments of the sinking on hulu right now it's really good but how did the actor reenactments oh my god they're so good and they're doing like god my dream is to be an actor in like a history reenactment like documentary okay so essentially like they took feasible they took all the like interviews that happened post titanic of like survivors and they have actors portraying the survivors and like doing direct to camera interviews while they're reenacting their moments it's pretty amazing there are a lot of stories that i learned that i wasn't already aware of but i think people are really obsessed with titanic because it is really kind of just a timeless depressing story of classism and hubris and hubris and i mean the guy had one job of classism and then like the the horror this is didn't mean to turn it dark but like the horrible reality that death like is the great equalizer like class can like help you survive but in the end nothing fucking matters and it's just such a it's a it's a really i'm obsessed with titanic always have been um i just that's definitely my roman i'm what what is specifically about the titanic though well no i think it's like the individual stories i think it's just like I mean, I love true crime, obviously. So like the like the darkness, the morbidness of it, the fact that so many things could have happened to avoid the situation. Like there was a boat like four miles away that they were like, hello, help, help, help, help. But they just couldn't get the signals right. And they were misunderstanding each other's Morse code. They didn't have enough lifeboats. There are just so many small things that if they did it differently, it wouldn't have happened. And I genuinely wonder like how different culture would be if Titanic didn't happen, because it is just such a fixation in like everything. Yeah. And I love Titanic. It's a beautiful ship. It's a ship of dreams. OK, that's a good one. Also, those tickets were fucking expensive. Yeah, they were. Like if you translate it now, I'm like, oh, I'd be first class. And then I get those tickets. I'm like, oh, no. My. My ass would be in steerage. Oh, yeah. No, that was I mean, it was like the way to try to, you know, try to travel the. Well, and the other sad thing, and then we can move on, is that a lot of the passengers in third class were rerouted to Titanic from other ships. And they were all like immigrants who had brought everything with them to move to America, who lost everything, lost their lives. Like we fixed we were so like concentrated on like the rich people on the ship. But like half the people who were there weren't even like meant to be on that ship. It's really sad. Oh, anyways, what's the first concert? Keep telling their keep telling their stories. What's the first concert? Yeah. First concert I ever went to. Oh, my God. When I was in high school, I like was into like pop punk because it was like an arena concert or any concert. Like someone who's famous, not like a boyfriend's band. Oh, it was like. Oh, so you're telling me not to talk about my jam bands. OK. Understood. God, I don't remember. I don't remember because I didn't really I wasn't really like allowed to go to concerts. I wanted to go to Lilith Fair, but my mom was afraid that I would see lesbians become one. Oh, my God. Imagine if I would have seen a lesbian. You would have seen a lesbian. What would have happened? I don't know. They were everywhere. It's probably like something in college, but I don't really have a real memory of it. Maybe like Umphreys McGee or something like that. Oh, wow. I don't know. That is. It's like a jam adjacent. Yeah. Maybe it was like Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Maybe. Wow. Yeah, I know. Umphreys McGee. That's like a that's a Umphreys McGee. Umphreys McGee is like a horde tour late 90s with like spin doctors, a quarry and rescue unit, all the. Yeah. Like men who wear like ski hats with the flaps. Yeah. Out in the world. What was yours? So I saw a lot of Phish, obviously. How long were those concerts? Phish? Three hours. Oh, OK. I mean, I saw a lot of Phish. I saw maybe at God Street Wine, but that probably does not count in your thing. I think. Well, maybe. My biggest my first arena band was Aerosmith with four non-blondes. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a good one. We were so drunk. Yeah, it was really weird. We saw it. It's now I don't know what the theater is called anymore. Back then it was the Knickerbocker. And then the next month, two months later, I saw the Grateful Dead with Jerry Garcia still left. Wow. That was crazy. That was like that was a great concert. But yeah, Aerosmith. Aerosmith was a great fucking show. Yeah. It was. Steven Taylor has pipes. Yeah, I can imagine. He does. And then, you know, it's funny. I don't know if you guys do this. I have music really helps me recall things. And so a couple of weeks later, I had to do a AP exam and it was AP history. And I had a really I had a real feeling that the essay question was going to be like on the Grange movement or populism. So I read all of my stuff to the song Dream On. on loop. Oh my God. And when I got to the AP, it was the question and I hummed it the whole time. And they were like, is this some witch sorcery? Like, what are you? I was like, it's just helping me concentrate. Got the highest grade on my AP. I would have told on you to the proctor. There were like five of us in the class. There was not, there wasn't, it's upstate New York. There wasn't like. Did you ace it? I did. I got a, I got a great, I, so I always to this day, I love, I love, I love Aerosmith. Steven Tyler to thank for that. My first concert was the Spice Girls in the 90s, the Spice World Tour. That's pretty good. What were you, seven? Yeah, I was really young. I think I was like seven or eight. I'm not that much younger than you guys, by the way. I know. I mean, you are. Thank you. It was Spice Girls and my dad took me and he like years later told me that he was smoking weed with the dad next to him. And I was like, no wonder you enjoyed it. That's awesome. He was actually pretty ballsy. And he kept going on. Well, it was, it was like an outdoor venue in Mountain View, California. So it's like a lot of smoking going on, which actually is kind of weird because it's a lot of young girls. Oh, you remember Mountain View. That's where the dead always play. Oh, yeah. It's a really good venue. Yeah. And it was really amazing. Spice Girls, if those girls had a reunion. Well, I went to the reunion in 08. If they had a reunion now, like it is a money is no object type of scenario to get tickets to that show. Interesting. I would spend anything, anything for them and then anything for Paul McCartney, who I've never seen, which I'm manifesting into this podcast that one day I'll see. Really? Never seen him. Interesting. The one time he was here in Palm Springs, I had a wedding. He was at Taylor Swift's wedding. I know I wasn't. Who's a celebrity you'd swap lives with for one day and why? For one day? Yeah. And let's, can we, they'd be alive. A celebrity that's alive? Who's alive? Oh, fine. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'll have to think about. I'll talk about that one for a second. A celebrity that I'd want to switch lives with for a day. I think, oh God, I don't know. I think I've got one. Okay. I think I would swap lives with Jennifer Garner so that I could go hang out with Ina Garten and Jeffrey in the Hamptons. Because she just did that. She just posted. So yeah, I would want to swap lives for Jennifer. I feel like that could be in the cards for you. I mean, but that's, that's, that's the reason I would want to swap lives with her is that I would want to have, I would want to get an Ina and Jeffrey's convertible and drive to farm stands and then have a lovely chicken and a cocktail and some casual dessert. That's what I would want. So that's why I would swap with Jennifer Garner. I think, you know what, along those lines, I think Martha Stewart, because I just want to know how she like does it all. Like I would want to be in her head and like, okay, so like, what's your day look like? Like, how do you spend your time? And maybe I can take that back to me and like be better at doing like domestic things. But yeah, can I steal her brain? Can I like take her memories and like. Yeah, you get to keep whatever you do that day. It's not really in the confines of the question, but I guess you can do whatever you want. She can do whatever. Kris Jenner is my answer. Oh yeah, that would be an interesting one. One day, fuck you money, travel, shop. Do you get to keep whatever you buy? Yeah. Okay. See, then, then you can keep your knowledge. Okay, good. And I can keep INS BMW. What is the most unhinged thing in your search history? Oh, my God. Yeah, toy box killer tapes. That's the most. What's a toy box killer tape? Oh, my God. I'll let you explain, Erin. So there was this like sadistic serial killer in New Mexico who was operating in the 90s and 2000s before he was caught. It's a disgusting case. I don't want to go too into it. It was horrifying. But he would play a tape for the women that he captured. And the tape was the actual tape has only been played in court before he like got. So like the only people who have heard it are the women who have been captured and the people who are in court because it's so like upsetting. But the transcript of the tape is something that you can find. And I saw like I was on a Reddit thread and was like, what's the most fucked up thing you've ever read? And a bunch of people were saying that. And I was like, I should read that. And then I so I Googled it and I was like, I don't think I want to read. I don't think I want to read it. If all people on Reddit who are like rotten dot com primed for like dealing with really upsetting things. I sometimes do this thing where it's like what I want to like expose myself to something very, very upsetting because it makes whatever's going on in my life seem less. I get that. I get like, OK, I got an offender bender. Well, guess what? These women were tortured. Like there's it's all about perspective. Yeah. I don't know. It was really. So I like felt compelled to Google it. And then I just didn't. I didn't. I didn't like open the box, you know, like. So, yeah, that's and don't. I don't. I would never. I can dive into some dark shit. That is one of the darkest stories I've ever read. So, yeah, you don't want to. But that's in my search history because I searched for it. And then I was like, you know what? I'm not going to do this to myself. Shit. Carolyn, what's yours? Mine is also so dark. I get like like I was saying earlier, very hyper fixated on things. And I feel like most recently I've been very hyper fixated. On the Syrian war. And I just sent you that podcast. Yes. And I just have gotten into some like deep, dark ISIS Reddit threads, ISIS message boards, places where I'm like, am I going to get flagged by the CIA? You are. And I'm not engaging. I'm just reading. And that's probably like I'm like, oh, fuck. I should probably delete this search search history. But knowing all my true crime knowledge, nothing's ever deleted from your computer. So I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. For the next 10 years, don't do anything like terrorist related. Otherwise, we're going to like connect you to it. That's the reason to not do it. terrorism because you don't want to get caught well if there's anyone like close to me in my life who like goes missing they're gonna like if they start questioning me they're gonna look at my history and be like well there's some tie here shit yeah well if you ever need a lawyer i know i got a family full of them too are you a lawyer no no but i got the good ones that actually i hear the doj when they represent people okay yeah guys my search history is very vanilla i think that i was actually gonna go look at my phone to see if i could come up with something jazzy but i think that my search history is full of how to kill powder beetles that's where i've been at we have like so my and this is something that is hard for me i do think i have some sort of low-grade ocd like where i get fixated on something and i can't stop and so one day i came in and we restored an old barn and one night i believed that no mitigation had been done on this 150 year old barn and that we may have critters and i found evidence of what i thought were the critters and anyway so i went down a rabbit hole on how to kill powder beetles which by the way is with borax oh yeah that shit works to kill a lot of paint it you paint it on the beams and everything and then i i talked to my contractor and he was a little bit saucy with me he's like um they were inspected mitigated cleaned and finished and i was like okay sounds good still don't believe you but that's my power how to kill powder beetles that's it it's my whole search feed sorry that's not that exciting no it's not but you know what it's useful it's useful because like borax can kill a lot of things and i feel bad when i have to use it to like take on ants yeah that's the thing i don't like to kill things but they i need those things to be gone yeah that's true turns out we hopefully don't have any but sorry well should we take a and alissa uh putting an exclamation mark on the end of a long run long run all right we'll be right back this episode of hysteria is brought to you by alloy health here's something nobody tells you the skin changes that start in your 40s aren't just aging they're hormonal specifically estrogen loss estrogen naturally helps maintain collagen supports elasticity and helps keep skin hydrated as estrogen declines skin gets thinner drier and more crepey that means your expensive cleanser retinol moisturizer none of them were designed to solve a hormonal problem i mean and thank goodness i don't think that my face goodness that's not what they're for i don't want i don't want lotion that's like here put some lotion on your face i don't want lotion on your face i don't want lotion put this on your face and there's some hormones in it right unless i'm specifically don't talk to a doctor right and i need to work with the hormones are not to be messed with that's why i think alloy health is amazing i love i love alloy um and soon as they introduced their estradiol 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is forever that's exactly right all right before we get into the tears some announcements for the class crooked con is our answer to right-wing authoritarianism a big welcoming fun pro-democracy movement you're coming right yeah we're coming you're coming hysteria will be there but you will be there yes so that's yes that's something to look forward to so join us in washington dc on november 5th through 7th just after the midterms it's either gonna be fun or cathartic or maybe a little of both we think we think you'll want to meet all the like-minded folks and see if we can get a functional winning party out of the deal join us for more panels across bigger stages candidate forums live shows and interviews organizing events and fun social stuff too sounds just crazy enough to work go to crookedcon.com for more details and to grab your tickets all right now on to one last sanity corner with alissa we need something to keep us sane because we might go insane without you um i'm gonna go with my sanity corner first okay okay it's exhibits old cat okay rapper exhibit of pimp my ride fame i know it's because of you i now follow yeah he has a 20 year old cat and as listeners of the show know that i said i said goodbye to my 21 year old cat back in december and she was like a true bestie like she was a writer guy but to have a pet for that long requires a level of like love and commitment and there are plenty of people that can like have love and commitment for their pets and things just don't work out you know right but you know with love and commitment and time and care and energy and i just feel like watching exhibit talk about why his cat's 20 years old um is very cute because it's like this man loves this animal this animal loves this man yes like a cat doesn't live to be 20 by having a shitty owner and i just like it's super heartwarming i love men with cats i love men capable of taking care of things and caring for them and keeping them alive and i feel like the last sanity corner should be a cat one what's yours alissa are you ready for mine i don't know let's maybe i'll take some more champagne take some more champagne okay so mine is a little bit of a toast okay a little bit of uh i don't know in life you have been my sanity corner are we getting married guys i got a ring there's a ring don't can't get on one knee because i've got arthritis but there's a ring okay here it goes i have to read it because i have to uh you guys oh god two words out i'm not gonna make it i'm not gonna make it you could do it okay you guys have occupied such a space in my life and in my heart that i'm worried i'm gonna have to go rescue another fucking cat to try to fill the void not the void of our relationship but of this project we've undertaken for the past eight years there is no way uh we can have hmm this is really funny there is no way we can have a dramatic goodbye because we will all be drowning in tears well too fucking late so uh let me just say thank you to the listeners who have supported us who have sent me strudel recipes who have sent me strudel recipes and mostly only gently corrected me over the years thanks to charlotte jordan rachel and claudia our ogs who make this show as excellent as it is to john john and tommy we've got to throw them in who have let us do what we love together thanks to my sis and my pals gina and lindsey who i don't think have ever missed an episode to dk because dimidge and eleanor are podcats who are undoubtedly besties now sitting in heaven rolling their eyes at us falling apart thank you claire and caroline and erin thank you and i love you and that is forever and also this won't be the last you'll hear of me so once again i'm not dead but i do feel like we had to put a button on this also may i say that erling holland and jude Bellingham have nothing on us. I don't want to, like, step on what you're saying. No, please. I tried to write something last night, and I just, like, kept crying, and then I just was, like, crying on Josh. So I'll keep it short. I also know that you would just be like, you don't have to keep going on. No, it's not true. I'm a big sister. I have a little sister, and I love my little sister. But being a big sister means that sometimes you get accustomed to, like, not having a sister to look up to, and I feel like you're – I found that in you. Like, you're my sister. You're my sister. And, like, I just never – I never thought I would have a big sister, and now I really feel like I do forever, you know? Mm-hmm. I don't know how much of this they're going to have to cut, but, like, none of it. It's been so meaningful and amazing that someone as amazing as you, Alyssa, has given me so much of her time and her energy and her – Effort. Like, I am so lucky. You are one of the most incredible people on the face of the earth, and the fact that I got to make a show with you for eight years – We didn't even know each other. We didn't even know each other. I got to make a show with you for eight years. Eight years, Alyssa. We're so lucky. We're so fucking lucky. I'm so excited for what you're going to do next. I'm going to miss you every week, but I'm going to bug you calling you in my car to pick up my daughter. You know that, but that's the – I'm going to bug you all the time. That's the special sauce, man. Yeah. And I'm going to live in your barn eventually. Listen, I keep telling you, get on a plane. Make Josh take the girls. Let me pamper you. It is – I think that the thing that's the most important for people to understand is that, you know, I just – I turned 50, and I felt like, what's next? I may go to directing school. You know, like – That kicks ass. You know, I want to learn something new, and it has nothing to do with – how much I love you and how lucky we are. We have seen our listeners and each other through the darkest shit. It has been a – this is like not a – like production calls sometimes are like, how can – okay, here's the actual news, but what can we do that's not all the actual news? Because the actual news is so fucking bad. How do we walk them through it while acknowledging the awfulness, but not like drowning in it? No. And that is – and like you and I in life, we have been through a lot. We have been through a lot over the past couple of years. I mean, I saw you get married. Yeah. I mean, I didn't get to because COVID, but like, you know, I got the phone call. You were at the Zoom baby shower. I was at the Zoom baby shower. I mean, I'm finally on patches, and I'm a better person now, and my appendix is gone, so that's not a problem. Hell yeah, fuck that appendix. Fuck that appendix, but fuck that appendix. But we are – I don't think there are a lot of people who – there are a lot – let's put it this way. There are a lot of people who have podcasts, but there are – there's only us two. That's it. All right. God. Well, that's all the time we have. That's all the time we have, but there will be more hysteria for you next week. Oh, now, wait. Before we go – What? Before we go – What? We have one surprise for you, Alyssa. What? We want to show you something. Okay. We have some friends that couldn't be here today. Okay. So they wanted to say something. Oh, no. Hi, Alyssa. It's Ina. Hello, dear pal. Hi, it's Governor Kathy Hochul. Alyssa. Alyssa Mastromonaco. It's the coolest name ever. Congratulations on eight years of podcasting. Wow. I'm about to start one. Eight years sounds daunting. Congratulations. One of my favorite podcasts. I loved co-hosting with you. You know, the first time you reached out to me about being on your podcast, I thought maybe there was some kind of mistake. I thought certainly she couldn't be me. I may be biased. I may be biased about podcast hosts from New York. I admit it, but you are truly one of the best. I love talking to you for hysteria. And I even love more having dinner with you and Kate Tyler at the Mark. I think you're amazing, hilarious, wonderful, brilliant. What a beautiful thing it's been to be able to get to know you and hang out with you in Italy. You make New York proud, and I cannot wait to see what you do next. You've had an amazing career in different sectors. I can't wait to see what you're going to do next. But it's going to be really fun. You are, as my mother would say, a pistol. And I'm so glad I met you. Now we can get together and have that martini or four. Love you. Big kiss to you. Have a wonderful time and take a vacation. Wow. That was very nice. Thank you. Oh. It is my bat mitzvah. I'm going to get up and give Alyssa a hug. Listeners, we love you. We love you. If you want to get in touch, hysteria at crooked.com. And there will be more hysteria for you next week. Thank you, Alyssa. Thank you. Hysteria is a Crooked Media production. Our show is produced by Caroline Reston, Claire Fogarty, Kendra James, Adrienne Hill, Alyssa Mastromonaco, and me, Erin. Our team includes Matt DeGroat, Rachel Gajewski, Delon Villanueva, Claudia Sheng, Mia Kelman, Jay Banks, Charlotte Landis, and Jordan Cantor. Our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. I'm Nate Silver. I'm Galen Druk. And I'm Claire Malone. We're back, this time with our friends at Crooked Media for a new show called Still Counting. Numbers are hard, takes are easy. And frankly, numbers have only gotten harder. What does the data mean? What does the data actually say? How do we reconcile that with the other things that we're seeing in American politics and around the world? And how do we use that data to understand or maybe even dare to predict the future of American politics? New episodes every Wednesday starting September 9th. Subscribe to Still Counting on YouTube.com slash at Still Counting Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Tom Thumb. Now through September 29th, save on all your favorite personal care essentials and earn four times the points. Shop in-store or online for items from your favorite brands like Native, Pantene, Crest, Always, Gillette, Oral-B, and Tampax and earn four times the points. Points can be redeemed for discounts on future purchases on groceries and gas. Get these deals before they're gone. Offer ends September 29th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit Albertsons or TomThumb.com for details. You know that moment when everything lines up? When life gives you the green light and you just go. That's the 2026. Toyota Camry. No hesitation. No friction. 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