Audrey Parker Dies Today - Medical Assistance In Dying

If you listen to this, I already know you have great taste in podcasts, but maybe if you're like me, you still wonder if you're missing out on the best stuff. That's where the Sounds Good newsletter can help you out. Every other Thursday, the audio files at CBC Podcast highlight one must-ears show and lots of other new and noteworthy titles. They do conversation starters, they do hidden gems, and they also tell you about the stuff they love that they didn't make. Go to cbc.ca/soundsgood to subscribe. This is a CBC Podcast. Hello everyone. Jeremy here from Sickboy Podcast, and you might be wondering why we've dropped an episode today, which is not a Monday. Well, the reason for that is because today is a very special episode. This is a conversation that we recorded almost a month ago at Dahl Housy with a group of budding young med students in Halifax, and our guest was this beautiful woman named Audrey Parker. Audrey lived with cancer, and she is someone who signed up to take advantage of maid, a system here in Canada that stands for medical assistance in Dying. And today is the day that Audrey has gone through with that process. Audrey died today. And so this conversation is a heartfelt one. It is a beautiful one. It is one that I feel that we feel is extremely important. And we figured we would use today November 1st to be the day that we would pair respects to Audrey and put this out to the world. Audrey, you are such a huge inspiration to all three of us, and we know that your story is going to resonate very deep. We hope you enjoy this episode. It is an extra, extra special one, and we'll see you on the other side. Welcome to Sick Boy, a podcast where we talk about what it's like to be sick. Live, come down. All right. I see I fucked it up. I tried. It was okay. It was all right. Jeremy could have done better, but we got to fix it in post. Thanks a lot. Thank you everybody. We are here live at Dowl Housie Med School, not pronounced Dowl Housie, which we were just of our American friends and Torontonian friends. We're just an Ottawa and everyone there says Dowl Housie, which is really awkward. Well, I think the street there is actually called Dowl Housie. Is it? I think it is. Well, it's spelled Dowl Housie. I agree. This is going to be a really, really special episode. We are sitting down with our guest tonight. I want to say I cannot help but want to say Aubrey, but I know it's Audrey. It's Audrey? Parker. Yes. Audrey, I am simultaneously elated and excited to talk to you and also freaking terrified. Because I think the subject matter, which we are going to dive into today, is something that hits pretty close to home for myself and for the three of us, I think. But I can't even imagine how close to home it's going to be hitting for you. So for anyone who, the listeners at home and for anyone in this room right now who doesn't know what it is that we are primarily here to talk about, why don't you give us a little rundown. Well, nearly three years ago, I was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and I am at the end of the line. I am invoking medical assistance and dying on November 1st, which means you're, I have, I have less than four weeks left. This is fucking crazy. It is. I know. It's crazy for me too. I feel like I've never spoken to anyone who is legitimately gone. I know exactly what day I'm going. It's crazy. I know. Like I kind of like it. I like it. I mean, that sounds fucked up and weird. You romanticized it. I do. I do. I romanticized the shit out of this idea. You've been talking about this for like four years with us. That's right. And to see you sit across the table from here right now and say that into that mic with the like, you know, your shoulders are relaxed. You know, you are, you can say it so freely. You can see it in your face. I mean, I know that you're having your logic problems right now and your face is also super numb. My face. I'm trying to put makeup on. I'm like, I can't even feel where the brush hits the skin. Can I just ask like why, like why you have four weeks left and why am I not here tonight with that? You've chosen to spend what three, two hours of that with us. Why not? Why not? You know, when this all began, I had been suffering so badly with bone pain. But no one could really tell me what was wrong with me for it was going on for a couple of years. I could barely walk. And then I developed a Bell's palsy and I went to the hospital. That sounds fun. What is that? Well, it's kind of like what's going on in my face right now. All the meds are going, no. No, no, no. No, it's not fun. I kind of feel like I have Bell's palsy right now on the left side of my face with no droop, which is really fantastic. I have to say because I started with with it on the right side with the major droop. It's like you're paralyzed and you smile and only half your face smiles. So anyway, I go to the hospital. It feels fun for like a second. Yeah, it's fun for a second. That's right. So I go to the hospital. You know, they admit me. They say I just started a steroid that gets rid of Bell's palsy, but I developed it while I was taking the drug. They say there's something very wrong with you. So in the end, long story short, I have terminal cancer. I didn't even get to go stage one, two, or three. I was right at four. And in order to let my friends know that what the diagnosis was at the same time, all at the same time I put on my Facebook, not really thinking about the implications that I'm telling the whole world at the same time. So then right from day one, it's been very public. I used to teach ballroom dancing. I've worked at a lot of different retail stores in town. A lot of the work I've done, I've done lots of fundraising. So I know a lot of people. So it became common knowledge in the city early on. So I've shared everything right from the beginning. When you put that on Facebook, right away, were there people close to you that found out that way that you were like, "Shit, I probably should have told the person." Maybe a couple, but no, but I think most people sort of knew. I don't have much family. So the few family members I had, I was able to tell them first. We were just in Toronto and Ottawa. We recorded a bunch of episodes. A common thread that came up in a bunch of the stuff that we recorded was this idea that when you are sick, the person that's sick ends up taking care of everybody else. It's like almost like the burden falls on the sick person too. Exactly what happens. So when you made that announcement, did you find that you were kind of picking up the pieces of everybody else? It was more like I moved right into acceptance. Unlike you, Jeremy. I had to figure out it took a lot of people to figure out what was wrong with me over a long period. Maybe that would have happened to you when you were a child. I'm not sure of the backstory. Yeah, no, I mean, it was like year and a half. For me, I was just so damned relieved to know what was wrong with me finally. So I moved right into acceptance. But my friends and family were like, "Whoa. What do you mean?" What do you mean? So then I had to kind of bring them along with me. Well, I'm curious to know, like, so let's take it back a little further. I know you're not supposed to ask this question, but I do anyway for the context of our podcast. How old are you? I knew you were going to say, "I'm 50. I just turned 57." "Fifty seven, okay." And so you, and you said you found out that you had stage four breast cancer. Did you say three years ago? Yeah, so it was in 2016. Okay, sure. So up to 2016. It was the beginning of the year. It was like February 6th. Okay. So it was the beginning of the year. So up to that point. It was like February 6th or what? I think it was February 5th or 6th. I don't even know what day it is. I think it was February 6th. It's just a lot right there. It does. It is very telling. Acceptance. Yeah, that would be great. I move right into acceptance because what could I do you guys? What is. I didn't want to waste a second feeling sorry for myself or being afraid or any of that. Because what is it going to do for me? It's just going to waste my time. And I just got out of a marriage that left me quite a very unhappy. And then I finally got the courage to leave and then four months later I find that I'm dying and I just thought, "Frig, I'm going to have fun." Well, I am going to have so much fun. I'm going to have that. It's just a divorce is like how freeing is that, especially if that's the way you take it. That's right. I did want to feel that way. And all my friends came back into my life and my life was really good. So I just felt incredibly happy and I just made a decision. I can pack in 10, 20 years worth of fun into the next two or three years or I can sit around and feel sorry for myself. And it's funny. I almost started for the first time to feel a little bit sorry for myself. And I see feeling sorry for myself is kind of going down into a hole. And it takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to pull yourself back up out of that. So I just won't let myself go there because I'm too afraid I won't be able to find the strength to get back out. So I just never did it. I just accepted it. So when you when you said it took you so long to figure out what was wrong with you, was that was it the journey leading up to three years ago? The journey leading up to that where you had all sorts of issues and absolutely didn't know what was going on. No one could tell me what was wrong and I was just in so much pain all the time. And it really makes you cranky. It makes you just you just don't feel well. Pain is that my number one enemy. It's incredible the amount of medication I'm on. So some days I can when I've been doing some interviews lately talking about medical assistance and dying. I've been doing a lot of it lately. And it's so hard because I want to articulate and really bring the message across. But when you're full of drugs, it's sometimes it's difficult. You just to try to deal with it. But I have to take them or I'm in terrible pain. I can't help but like sit here and still wonder about this medically assisted death thing. And is it that fear of pain that kind of made you want to? Well, it's not going to get any better. I just went up like six or six to eight milligrams in my drug. So I'm I when you I think from my understanding in some cases when you get closer to death, your pain does elevate and stuff like that. So my body tells me that it's getting ready to die. I'm noticing some of these changes. But for me, the medical assistance in dying allows me to have control because you're looking at a queen of being a control I'm control freak. I have controlled every detail. I even know what my last meal is. I mean, I'm I'm I'm down to like those little details. I was reveling it. What's last? Lobster eggs Benedict is my last meal. I love that. That's a that's a very brunch. What time is this all going down? Well, I want it. So I'm going to have it at brunch. Okay. Is there any end? Like those are the little things that I'm that I think fascinate me the most. And you know, you talk about it a lot around your situation. And we talk about it as as friends. But those little details of going when you actually think like that's going to be the last meal. That's going to be the last like song I listen to. All these little things that you take for granted on a day to day basis. You know the the last view that you're going to go and get. But maybe that's not the case. Right. I also believe that I can believe whatever I want to believe. So I could believe I'm going to fairy land like I'm a price to be a professional ballroom dancer. I miss dancing so so much. Maybe I'm going to a giant ball ballroom in the sky somewhere. Who knows what's going to happen. Is that kind of is that is that the potential? Are you going well who knows I can just I can I can think of anything in my head and and and for all we know it could be true. It could be all whatever does matter. I don't think it matters. So is it is does that help you make those decisions and not see them as like the final this or the final that I don't think it helps me make the decision. I think as a human being it's something that's so much more it takes more more than just a whim to make that decision for yourself. But I think that it it makes it more fun. I I just always choose to have fun with things and to and to be positive about it. My mindset. I have really been very good at maintaining a positive mindset every day. In the last as since I've been diagnosed I lost my I lost a cathode I really loved so I was sad for a few days. Might have had a couple of bad days but other than that I've been pretty damn happy every single day. I can't want to pack like where that comes from because. I think that I think it's safe to say I don't know maybe not but I feel like it's safe to say that your attitude right now would not be considered the norm. If most people put themselves in your shoes right now there would be a bit of a different vibe surrounding the entire experience. And I'm wondering like up up to the point before you you found out that you were terminal with cancer. Had you in the in your past have you ever dealt with any other medical issues or like had you been sick before or or is this like. You know are you a pretty healthy and then one day someone's like by the way all of that has stopped you know have terminal cancer. Well that's true but I did go through encephalitis when I was eight from the chicken pox and I developed really bad encephalitis. They told my mother that I would die and then if I did live I would be severely brain damaged. So I made it through that. What I know that probably everyone here is like oh yes encephalitis right. We're really putting it on display. It was impressive. Was it was it Japanese encephalitis? Is that a thing right? I think that that's a thing you go get shots for when you're traveling. I don't see a single person shaking their head. I think you can tell by the silence of the habit you're wrong. I would look at people at home could see the face is is that is that a thing? Okay yes it is. I never mind Brian you're right. It's an infection in the brain caused by the Japanese encephalitis virus. Okay easy peasy. Did you have Japanese encephalitis? No I had. I had the Canadian version. I had the chicken pox. Debatable. And my brain became infected and then I was living and I was living pardon me in Welfel outside of Welfel and then I was rushed to the IWK by ambulance. I remember having a spinal tap as a child. Oh no shit. Yeah I remember it but I had a spinal tap as an adult and it was like easy peasy. As a part of as a part of this new. As a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as a as they had they tried three times to and they couldn't get the needle in through the bone. But I was in more pain than a spinal tap. The spinal tap did not bother me at all. But when as a child it hurt a lot. I remember a lot of people hold this. I know it was incredible. Even just the thought of someone tapping my spinal. Does it hurt? Don't do it. Yeah. No. I'm curious about I know when you when you had got this news three years ago. If I'm not mistaken medically assisted dying was not yet. I'm not 100% sure. Is that to anyone? 2016 I think it was first introduced. When did you first find out about it? I found out from my oncologist. My oncologist had mentioned it to me, but I can for some reason I thought I'd have to be like almost on my deathbed and I could say please bring out the needles and put me to my death. But he said no, you can actually apply that's right. He's like, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. 10. Exactly. But no, he said no, you can apply for it now. And you could if you wanted to pass away next week, you could. So holy shit. So take us through the process. I have no idea again. Where you're the first person we've ever talked to that has a. So basically he my oncologist, um, CentriFurl to the maid office, which is the abbreviation for medical assistance in dying. I like, you know, I just I'm sorry to cut you off there, but you said this a number of times. And and out of the number of times you said it, every time one of us have tried to say it, we fucking didn't say it right. And it was, I have just been, I think what's been beaten to my head. And I don't know if this is like a media thing, but medical medical assisted suicide, medical, death, um, which is kind of close to medical assistance in dying. But I really like that. I didn't know what made was until tonight when you said medical assistance in dying. And I went, oh yeah, mate, that's made that's what made stands for. I like that. That that to me is like a really. It is a very civilized and like and sort of, I don't know, beautiful term if one could say that. Because I think there's a lot there's a, even though you can do it, even though you're about to do it in less than a month, there's a lot of people I feel like in this country and around the world who are so weirded out and get fucked up by the idea and can't wrap their, wrap their heads around it. Well, like because of that because of suicide, but even you saying like my oncologist told me about it, like to me, I'm like, oh, that must be a really fucking hard conversation to have. No, I didn't because keep in mind if you're, if you're a healthy person and you look at me, you think she is crazy, she's going to kill herself. You have no idea the pain that I live with. My pain is so exceptional that when I'm lying in bed and I'm trying to get, you know, on top of the pain with my meds and stuff, my brain is saying to me, cut those legs off, get them off your body. Yeah, it's like your brain is like, get them away from me because it's so horrific. So it's easy to judge if you haven't been living with that pain, but it's just a civilized way. If I had a cat and he was suffering, there's no way I would make him live to the end of his life suffering. So why should I have to? It's been kind of the thing that I vote that I think logically in my head, especially when, especially when kind of like the debate was raging and it wasn't implemented yet, and I was on the side of the fence going, well, why not? Because logically when you think about it, you think about all the animals you've ever had that you would just say, oh, it's the end. It's responsible to do this. putting that pet through suffering. And why don't we have that? Why didn't we take that? Why haven't we realized that as humans yet? That humans have the same, should have the same right or as an individual to choose that? - I think it's because we put more value on our lives. We think our human lives are probably more valuable than the animals. So we have to stave off and live as long as we can. And that is wonderful. I think everyone should live as long as they can. But if you're suffering, I'm already at the end of my life. So many of my spine, both of my femurs, both of my hips, they tell me are hanging by a thread. I could stand up right now and go down and my hip could be just shattered. - Well, well. - So I live with that fear all the time. What if I'm in bed and I turn over and my spine smashes or something and then I become paralyzed and I can't even call for help? Things like that could happen to me. So it's quite daunting. And as much as I've got, we'll say four weeks left, I have it all planned. I have a beautiful passing planned. But every day that I live, I'm also closer to a shit show. So shit show, nice plan. What's it going to be? - Right. - To do. - So I'm really hoping that I get the good plan. - Well then what's the, like Taylor is kind of getting to it, but like what's the process like after the oncologist? - Oh yes, okay, excuse me. - Yeah, that was my bad. - I'm totally veered as lightweight. - That's right. - Thanks for bringing us back. - I'm gonna blame it on you, Jeremy. So once he sends the referral to the maid office, then actually a nurse practitioner contacted me in a few weeks and she came to see me and she's actually going to perform the medical assistance dying for me. So I really liked we had a great connection and she asked me a lot of questions just to see if I was mentally sound and to see if you know, this was something like if I would be a good candidate. I was a candidate because I'm terminal but they wanted to make sure that mentally I was a good candidate. And then I had another meeting with a palliative doctor. He came to see me and asked me a whole bunch of questions and they both said you're a good candidate. - What are some of those questions like? I'm picturing like a job. - To be honest, I can't even really remember. We just talked about life, we just talked about my condition and how I decided to do it. And I think they just wanted to gather information to see if I was off my rocker. - Well, it was okay. - I was like, "What would you eat for your last meal?" - It was like a drop down menu of like lobster roll. - Or, don't be like that. - I would go for a lobster roll. - I bet you would do like it. - If you knew one of your colleagues was stealing from the till at the end of the work ship, would you a report them? - Yeah. - Yeah, that's for some of the money. - Yeah. - Something like that. - It was actually very easy. And then once I was accepted, then they said, she told me what it would incur. Like it's three different injections. And she said, "I just need to know what drug stores are in this area so I can reach out to them and make sure that they have the drugs in their shelves for when we use it." - So, is she a physician? - Nurse practitioner. So she's the one that's actually gonna make the injections. - Yeah. - So it doesn't have to be an MD. - Well, no, it can be a nurse practitioner, but she works in palliative care. So I have like a poor catheter. So on Halloween day, I have an appointment to go down and get this accessed. So they will put like they will. - Put the little. - The little bump in there, which is great 'cause I have terrible veins to get IVs and things in. So it'll be all accessed. And then she's coming around 130 the next day. And can I share my story? My what's happening that day? - Fuck yeah, you can eat absolutely. - I wanna know everything. - You wanna know all day. - Like every detail. - So it was very difficult. The woman who brought me into the world is going to be there holding my hand as I leave the world. And it was not an easy thing to get her to be as accepting as she is. I've had to work really hard. And she says, I know what you're doing and it's really good what you're doing, but it's still gonna hurt so badly. I said, I know mom. But anyway, my mom is coming the day before. So we will spend the day together. And then I'm gonna have lobster that day too. That's all I've been craving. - She's eating lobster. - I'm gonna turn into a lobster. - That's right. - And so then we'll have that evening. Together and then the next morning we'll get up. Well, a friend is coming by to make us our brunch. And then another friend, Laura Smith, who's a Canadian singer-songwriter who I've known for many years. She reached out to me and said, I would, if you would like, I will come and sing as you pass away. And I said, Laura, I can't think of anything better. And Alan Bateman, who is also a well-known artist in Nova Scotia and he's also known throughout our country. He did a painting and I happened to mention on Facebook how much I loved it. So Laura reached out to him and said, Alan, would you mind if I borrowed that painting so I can bring it to show Audrey before she passes away? He said no, by all means coming, borrow it. And so Laura will come with painting in hand, guitar in hand. And I just, I'm going to have my mother, my three besties, who know my mother. It was really important that the people in the room know my mother so that she can be comfortable. My niece, I'm pretty sure, is going to be there. I have a young roommate, 22 year old young woman, who's been my roommate the last year. It's been the best thing I ever did. And that's it. And we're going to all be together. And then I'll probably say some foolish words and some meaningful words. And then I will get my injections. The first injection will make me go to sleep just like when you have surgery. They say that if you have a propensity for snoring, you're going to snore. Well, man, oh man. I'm like a strength. I'm like a tank. So I'm going to be like doing nasal spray and stuff to try to make myself not snore. And-- No, barely. I know. And then the next injection will sort of paralyze me so I can't move, which is what you would have if you were having surgery. Well, that stopped the snoring at least. I don't know. But I'm going to really try to shut the snoring down before I go to sleep. You got to get one of those nasal stress. Just wear that. Yeah. This is all part of it. Exactly. And then the final. Then the final injection will stop my heart, hopefully, within 10 minutes. And that's it. And I'm just going to go to sleep like my little kitty cat did. And I just think it's going to be beautiful, you guys. I say that the first breath gives us life. But I believe our last breath, you guys, they're all crying here. Oh my god. The last breath, the last breath, honors our lifetime. And I have had a kick ass life. I've had a fabulous life. I just have. I just have. So thank you. Some people pack in-- so Jeremy, I'm doing what you did. I'm just W.H. But I packed into 57 years, probably two people's lives. I've traveled extensively. I've had so many careers. I've reinvented myself so many times. I've just loved my life. It's so hard to say goodbye to it because I love it so much. But it's time. Someone else has turned. And I'm getting to show all my friends and family another way to die. I can only describe these last two years. It's been really two years. It'll be three. When I pass away, it'll be three months shy of three years. And I can only describe it as glorious because I made it that way. I made it that way. I set up my life. I got rid of all the toxic people, all the mean-spirited people from my life. I moved into an apartment that I loved. And my husband and I had divorced. So I had money because I had-- I got money from him. And he's still giving me money. He's giving me money next week. So he got me through this. He supported me, essentially, through to my death, which it's fun to laugh at. But it really made a difference. It really made a big difference not worrying about how I was going to pay my rent every month and stuff. And I have phenomenal friends. And this hella-facts-- oh, my God. I go to restaurants. I go to balls and fashion shows. And people treat me like the queen of hella-facts. I am a former Miss Hella-fax. But I feel like I'm being treated. I feel like I'm being treated like a queen everywhere I go. So thank you, thank you, thank you to the citizens of hella-fax. You have made this experience exceptional for me. I'm like, when hearing you go through the day, that day is like-- it's like hearing-- my birthday is next week. And it's almost like some-- Keep your thing. Thank you. And that's really all I wanted. [LAUGHTER] And you have people going, well, what do you want to do for your birthday? And then you kind of start to think about it and go. And then when you make your decision on what you're going to do, then you're like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. It sounds like that's the day you're describing. You're describing this day. And then-- but then you get to that final, those final few moments. And I feel like that's where-- and maybe you guys all feel the same is that as a group of people that don't know-- that when's my life going to end? I don't know. On this-- in this moment, it could be later tonight. It could be tomorrow. It could be 50 years from now. Who knows? Knowing that day, it's like this-- it's this crazy-- I don't know-- whirlwind in my mind trying to wrap my head around what it would be like to be in your shoes and to understand that this experience that we've been going through has this set date. It's honestly, it's the stuff of movies. And it's the first day-- it's the first time that I've ever seen it. that I can think of and that I'm assuming in history that we've really been able to have this. - It's pretty cool. - It's like, super cool. I mean, that's one of the things that I, you know, go around and speaking at different conferences and things, one of the things that I often ask the audience is if you had the ability, like if you were given the opportunity to know what your day would be, would you take that offer? - Free guests. - Yeah. - But you know what? The answer for what seems to be like 99% of the people is absolutely not. And I feel very strongly that there's, that in knowing, knowing that date, or having a sense of what that might be, is like the ultimate gift. And hearing you now sitting and talking to us about this is that you're just reaffirming everything I believe so strongly. - It's not bad, Jeremy. You know what you guys, one of the best things I did for myself, and I highly recommend this to every single human. And for all the budding doctors that are looking so beautiful as they sit up there, what's to say, what's to say that it's wrong to make peace with your death when you're young? You've had to do it, Jeremy. I've had to do it. What's to say that you couldn't figure out, make your, why can't you make your funeral plan today? Why can't you write your obituary today? - Why can't you? - That's right. I wrote my mind is so freaking long, it's unbelievable. (audience laughing) And luckily the lady who owns the Chronicle Herald is my friend and she said, Audrey, don't worry about it, I'm gonna cover it for you. And saying God, 'cause it'll be like three or four thousand dollars, right? (audience laughing) But I, true to my spirit and I have several groups of very important girlfriends to me. And one of the groups said, Audrey, you're just the eternal teacher, you're just always teaching and I feel like that's what I'm doing right now. I'm teaching you guys how to die well. - Yeah. - You have more power than you realize is what I'm trying to say to people. You have the power to not go down that hole. You have the power to decide that you're going to have a positive mindset every day. You have that power, no one owns that power but you. You own how you handle things. And I've been like that my whole life. I didn't allow anyone to do anything that would define me. I define me. - Fuck yeah. - Fuck yeah. - Yeah, yes. It's like, I love that. That's one of my favorite things. Is like. - You are the king of it because you are not letting CF define me. - I let it define me. But on my own terms. - On your own terms. - It's my own way. - That's right. - And I just, I want, I'm so glad that you're sitting here and having this conversation with us. And you just said something that made me kind of think, you know, so you've written your obituary. Awesome, that's super badass. One thing I'm curious to know is if you alluded to it earlier that you might say some silly things before you go to sleep. And I'm wondering if you've thought about what you're going to say or if you've written anything or if you're just going to let it. - That's the only thing I'm not going to plan. - All right, how about this. Have you thought about what you're going to say to yourself as that? - I don't think so because I've already, I think when I first made, when I sat in the dot, when I sat in the hospital and the radiologist came up and said, "I'm not liking the look of your chest X, right?" I'm like, what do you mean? Just like, I don't like the look of your bones. Like, what do you mean? You don't like the look of my bones. And I'm a beautiful bone. - I'm a beautiful bone. - I'm a beautiful one. And I said, are you saying I might have cancer? And I said, I'm fucked. That's the first thing I said, I'm fucked. That is exactly what's wrong with me. That is the first thing that makes sense to me that anyone has said. And sure enough, I had breast cancer. And they found the secondary cancer first. So then we had to find the first one. Now I had breast reduction. I had mammograms. And they say for me to have so much cancer in my skeleton, it's got to have been in my body like 16, 17 years. - Oh, shit. - So, but I had all these other things going on in that time. So it's an anomaly. I don't know how, because the tumor is so gigantic now, I would have felt it. I would have seen it. And it's just like it just popped up there one day. And so I don't really understand. They don't really understand. It's a little bit unusual in my situation. And my skeleton looks more like a skeleton of someone who had prostate cancer, not someone with breast cancer. - What does that mean? - It's just so much of it. And it would tend to, you would see that in a man more often than you would see it in a woman. My uncle, I had a tumor nearly take up my hip last summer. They caught it within such a short amount of time of just shattering and I wouldn't be able to walk. I might have died. So my oncologist, my surgeon, he's the only surgery, or oncology surgeon in the Maritimes. And he said, "Audry, you have one of the top three worst cancer skeletons I've ever seen." - Whoa. - And it's just amazing to me that I could still walk, that everything has been pretty darn good. But the other thing is attitude. Your attitude, if you can get patients to somehow learn that their attitude plays such an important role in their getting better, staying well, living longer. I truly believe that the reason I'm still sitting here is my attitude. I absolutely believe that. - And that's like the thing that is so captivating to me sitting here, like your attitude. - Chair, what's the quote, the Mark Twing quote that you say a lot? The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. - And that's, and like, - Love it, that's beautiful. - And that's like the way that you live life in your, and your happiness and love for life is what, I'm so drawn to right now. - Absolutely. - And I, and like it's so obvious that that's why you're okay with all this process because like, you're so, you feel so fulfilled in life every single day. - That's absolutely. - When the end comes, you know that you did the best job to do what you could to live. - I totally agree with you Brian. It feels like I made a decision. I've been on my own. I moved on my own when I was 16. I did not finish high school. Just because of life circumstance, my childhood was difficult. And when I came to hell as a child. - Drop out of school kids, - The whole point of this is drop out of school if you're listening at all. - But I did. So I came here with a great, came to Hellfax with a great tense. It's gonna be in my O'Bitt, so I'm not telling tales at a school. I lay it on the line in my O'Bitt. I give all the backstory because some people don't realize my backstory. And people that grew up with me think that maybe that's all my life was, was what it was when I was a child and it certainly hasn't been that either. So when I came here, I had no education. But my mother instilled in me to always be a lady, to always treat others with kindness and dignity and all of that. And I took all of that very much to hurt. And I say to people, and I've said it in many of my interviews, you know, really take note of the web that you're weaving right now and how you're treating people. Because as you go through your life, you're all really young now. My beautiful medical students sitting up there. You're all young now, but lots of things are gonna happen and make you cranky and make you difficult and make you not your best person. But make sure that you treat people with respect because those people, you know, they say, like be careful of the people that you deal with on the way up because they're there when you come knit back down. I really, even today, I think, okay, what can I do for someone? You can't believe the things I've done for people in the last week. - Yeah. - In the last week, all I think about is what I can do for other people. And by doing that, it enriches my life so much. So being a good person and putting goodness into the world, I've been able to do it, but I'm still strong. No one, like, don't fuck with me. (laughing) You know, like I'm a good person, but if you fuck with me or people I love, I'm coming out swinging. But I'm still a nice person. I'm still a really nice person and helpful and good. - I think in the moments of clarity that I've had in my life, like you're the person that I wanna be. - Oh, that's so nice. - And, but the thing that I wonder is, I've had, so I've gone through a lot of phases in my life that I kind of look at as being chapters. And there's a lot of, like, really happy times that they come to an end and there's kind of those moments leading up to the very end of it, where there's this like profound level of sadness because you're going on to move on to something different. - Oh, don't be sad. - Yeah, I know, but it's easier said than done. So for example, I just finished a few years of coaching, canoeing and one of my favorite things is working with, like young kids and trying to shape the lives that people were growing up in. And when that last day of coaching came, - You were heartbroken. - I was heartbroken. and leading up to the next one. So that last day was like, I was just so excited. Like every day was so great because I was like, "I only have a week left with these guys "and I want to leave them with the best." I just wanted the most fun this entire last week and then even the morning of the last day, I'm like, "This is gonna be the best ever." It's the last day I'll get to do this. I'm gonna totally like, live it up. But then the last few moments of that day come and there's like this sadness, such a profound sadness. And I'm wondering if you're worried that when you get to those last few moments, I think. - No, I've got a few years on your Brian. - No, that's what I'm trying to learn from you. - I can see that. - So what I do is so in that situation, because one of the greatest joys of my life right now is making friends with a lot of the children of my friends. And I'm always doing teachable moments and trying to pass on little nuggets of information that will help them and serve them as they get older. And all the little children in my life, I always go up and I whisper to them, I say, "You know, I'm gonna be your guardian angel, so don't worry about anything. I'm gonna be your guardian angel." So in that situation, when you're helping the kids with the canoeing and stuff, just think of all that you impacted, all the good things that you brought to their life, but you also learned about you as a human, you as a man. So I don't look at it as the finale. I look at it as all of that that you're doing for others is just padding you and making you an even better human so that you will be able to help even more screwed up children. You know, you'll be able to help people that are even worse off. So I don't see it as a finale. I just see everything as building on everything else and making us better and better as we go on. And so. - But how do you, like, it's the end of your life though, like how do you. - But maybe, maybe it isn't. We don't know, no one knows 100%. So maybe my spirit will live on. Maybe it won't, maybe I always say, "I'm gone." But, you know, my friends are like, "Don't do that." But anyway, two of them are sitting right there looking at, "Look, look, look, they're looking at the bed." But I don't know, we don't know you guys and it doesn't really even matter. If be the best human you can be. And if you can be the best doctor, the best human, the best son, the best husband, the best, whatever you're capable of, then when you're on your deathbed or when you're at the end of your life, you've. I feel so proud of myself. Like, I never dreamed in a million years that I would be an advocate at the end of my life. Not for one second. I've helped our hospice. I've helped get the word out about medical assistance and dying recently. I didn't dream any of that. And it's happening. It's so wonderful. And that's the thing, you, you know, Brian, you're saying, but it's the end of your life. But it's the end of your life. Like, how can you. I think once you have that capability of really just letting go of that, how you roll, rip that we go, right? Like, we just want to hold on to life so hard, but there's this ultimate beauty in letting go and not fearing that transition because once you let go of that fear of that, of whatever that passing is, that passing over to whether it be black, whether it be infinite white energy, whether it's a completely different life as a fucking dog. Who knows? Once you let go of that fear of making that transition, then you are totally able to like just live, live for every moment that there is. I don't give a shit for anything. I don't care. But I totally hear what you guys are saying, but also I know that, for example, to go back to coaching, I know that there's life beyond that, and I'm looking forward to that. I'm so excited about what lies beyond as well, but it's. You're just sentimental. You're allowed. We're in different situations. And you know, Jeremy's not like on his death that right now, but you have a perspective that's slightly different from Brian and I'm not. I've just been forced to think about it or have chosen to think about it a lot more than you might have. And I think that the whole, you know, should you be. When that debate was going on in term, when made wasn't the thing, and it was. I feel like it was presented as this really black and white thing, but there's massive shades of gray. Absolutely. And when you say, well, would you want to know when you die? Would you want to know that date? And the answer of me being healthy as I am today would be no. I don't want to know. Right, of course. Now, if I was sick, that would probably change. I would see that being changed. But it seems to be. It seems to me that it's been really ingrained in our minds in this. Like what you said, the grip on life, like this insatiable grip on life. And from like the medical perspective, I mean, like everything that's. Everything has been put into. How can we make people live longer, healthier? Everything is like. Everything is to prolong life and to make it. And I feel like a byproduct of that is this. Is this. Is a grip, this grip that we have on life. And the conversation around death and what happens when you die or what happens leading up to your death and how you feel about that and how you cope with that and deal with it has. I feel like being kind of left by the wayside. And I'm. I'm gathered at by our conversations, by the amount of conversations that we've had around that, that it's a really tough subject to talk about. And a question that's been kind of floating around in my mind, is you've been just stealing the stage and being so wonderful right now. Swearing is swearing your little mouth off. Is this. Is this Audrey forever? Is this. Has this always been you? Or is this perspective and this attitude that you've come here with and that you're presenting, which is beautiful? Is that a byproduct of your experience with cancer? Is it a byproduct of your decision to choose your date or has it always been there? Well, I just wanted to make this one comment about the date. The difference with people. You said that a lot of people were asked if they'd want the date that would want to know that and they said, "No, I've chosen my date. It's a little tiny bit different. I'm in control of that date." And I could change my mind if I wanted to. If I said, "No, I don't want to do it today. I'm going to do it tomorrow." I could change my mind. I'm not. But I could if I wanted to. I've had that discussion with myself. I will not be changing it. There's no way. I would take a profound miracle for me to change that. I'd have to wake up with no cancer in my body, which is not going to happen. So that's beside the point. Can you just remind me the question again? What you've come, the way that you've. Your perspective and your attitude. Is it new or is it always been me? Yeah, exactly. I think I've always been like that. There's people in the audience who know me. I think I've always been like this to a certain degree. I've always been a boss I've been told. I'll take that as a compliment. I think it's always been me. But a veil back in a compliment? I think. I was looking at an interview that I did the other night. I just made this video for an event. And I started crying and I don't cry about stuff. I really have never really cried and said, "Oh my God, I've got cancer." I've never done that, not once. I kind of feel really proud of myself right now. I feel like I'm my best self right now. I feel. I just feel like I'm my best self. I don't know how else to put it. I feel like I've done everything I wanted to do. I'm trying to finish a book in the next three weeks. Oh, fuck. God. I love the pressure that I'm really willing to do. Again, what are you doing here? Go home and write. I put it on Facebook. If anyone wants to see me, they have to come Friday nights because there's no more visitations. I could really fritter away the rest of my life and accomplish nothing. But that's not how I roll. I need to be helping people in accomplishing things. So I feel like I've always been this person. But it took all of the experiences that I'm having right now to just solidify it all. To really make me feel like I am the best that I can possibly be. And I feel like I'm there right now. Do you feel like there is an emotional release of some sort that might happen with you? Like I see you guys being brought to tears. And it's more likely the case that four days from now, I'll be driving and Joel Plaskets on will come on. I'll just be like, "Oh shit." I'll just break down or whatever. Dude, we get it. You're a psychopath and you're pretending that you'll cry in the future. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I have emotions. Yeah. This makes me feel stuff. Can I ask a question? Sure, yeah. So Jeremy, how do you feel? Because we are kindred spirits of sorts. How do you feel sitting across from me knowing that I'm going to go before you and that? How does being around me affect you today? Like I said earlier, you are solidifying everything that I believe in. Anything, anytime I may have questioned my thoughts on what it means to die, you've just locked all that in. And I know that when you do, when that day does come. - I'll have a glass of wine waiting for you. - I will drink a bottle of wine for you that day. (laughing) And you know what, I'm gonna, I've been on the opposite end of you over the last little while since this trip I took the Salt Spring Island, I had this sort of like very intense and like strong epiphany on what it means to die, specifically on like what my thoughts are and what comes after. Ever since that moment I've been extremely emotional, I find myself crying a lot. - That's probably good for me. - Fuckin' love it, it feels so good. So I just, I know that that day when that day comes and I know that you're taking it, that like beautiful transition into whatever's next, I'm gonna cry so fucking hard and it's gonna feel so good. - I think so, I think it's gonna be so beautiful. When I take that last breath, I just believe in my core you guys that it's just going to be a beautiful finale of my beautiful life. - And you know what, this is another thing that, that we sort of joked around about this when we talked about this, but when you said how you want that day to specifically go. And you said, you know your mom's gonna be there and your friends will be there. And you know you're gonna have an artist come in and play you out. We joked about, we sort of talked about this, I think on the podcast once about like, what would be your ideal death, your ideal way to go? And I had this idea and when I set it out loud, I thought to myself, well no, you can't really do that though. And that's not, you know, that's not okay for maybe the people involved and there's something very whimsical about that idea, but now I'm sitting here and I'm going, no fuck no. - You can do whatever you want. - That's exactly what I'm gonna do. - If that's the way, you know, I'm fine right now. But let's just say that, you know, things go the way that statistically they'll go and I get to a point where it's like, okay, well, made is here and you can take this, you can take this route, then hell yeah, I'm gonna do it the exact way that I wanna do it because it is your choice. You have, like why wouldn't you allow yourself to do exactly what you wanted for that last day? - I know. - Why, why? - I think that if your family and your friends see that, that you're doing exactly what you need and what you want for that, they're going to be there for you, they're going to see the beauty in it and they're gonna accept that, you know, and-- - I think it helps them. I've shared my journey so much so that we just, like my friends and I, like we talk about it, like we're cooking soup, you know, we talk about, we joke about it. It was hard, my friends. One of them is sitting here tonight, used to cry, it's sesame, every time I saw her, she would cry. - Oh, yeah. - And, and, and, and, you know, now we talk, I said, what if I can't use mate and then my other friend that's here tonight picked up a pillow and went? (laughing) - I'm really happy to know that, like, the way that we talk about this shit is also being done. - And we're 50 somethings, right? We're like the older crew. - We're the older girls, but no, I'm really hoping that the fact that I've shared so much with my friends and family will help them grieve and they know that I'm not going, kicking and screaming, I'm going of my own volition that I'm, you know, it's my way and, and I'm really hoping that it will help. - Do you, do you think that there's a, like a business in, in planning, like, extravagant death? - Oh yes, hell yes. - So I feel like that's really-- - If I was gonna live, I'd probably do it myself. (laughing) - Like another reincarnation of myself. - Like a death, where are they? - Yeah, like, like, something like-- - People are there. - There are people living already. - Funeral celebrants, right? And then like, yeah, but I don't mean that. I mean, like, orchestrating like, like a whetting, like a whetting, - I'm having a theme. - I have a theme from a female. - Yeah, yeah. - Just hire an event player and be like, "Look, this is gonna be the fucking craziest event you've ever planned." (laughing) But that's what I'll be doing. I mean, I mean-- - At the very end of it, you're gonna have a death on your hands. (laughing) - It's all on you. - You could do a murder mystery party. (laughing) - Well, that would actually be, - That would actually be-- - That would actually be-- - That's my idea. - See, this is how we talk about how I die. - He's talking my language right now. - But the shitty thing is, you were dying, so you wouldn't know who's solving this. (laughing) Like fuck. (laughing) - No, my idea was to do Hamlet, and then everybody has to rehearse for the role. It's not a word. - No, that's the part. - That's the part of Hamlet I got. - Is that right after you die? Or let's just say you're the one dying. - Okay, shit. (laughing) - We're hypothetically here, Brian. - And then you die, and then right after you die, a bunch of clues are handed out to everybody at the party. - And that's your figure who did it. - And then it's like, well, who didn't? - I think it would be amazing if you and your wife both had terminal cancer, hear me out to the end of this. (laughing) And I'm like, and this is the part where Brian goes too far. - And then, and then you both signed up for maid, and you planned the same day, and then at the end you've reenacted Romeo and Juliet. - Hey, there you go. - And you kissed and died. - Yeah. - That's pretty wrong. - Have you romanticized, because I know Jeremy romanticizes this, but since and so, it's real for you, but in a more, in a less real way, because your day is coming so soon. Have you romantic, is there any romanticism around it, or a, - Not a spec. - No, no. - Do you, like when you wake up tomorrow morning, is it in the back of your head from the moment you wake up? - I don't think about it, you guys. I still haven't even, I still haven't even cried about having cancer yet. Like, it's just not, I just make peace with stuff. I make decisions quickly. - Do you think you'll have that emotional release though, like the day of, you know? - I don't think so. - You don't think? - No, I really don't. I just feel so bloody at peace. And you asked a question earlier, and I looked up at my friend Nancy who's sitting here. I had a, I had a beautiful meeting with David McGinley, who's a well-known minister. - You know who I was. - You're obviously gonna make this shit. - And I, so you asked, (laughs) - So you asked me if I had like experiences in my past that might have helped me cope better now. And I'd have to say yes, so I mentioned the Encephalitis, and we got off to like the Japanese Encephalitis. But I also nearly drowned when I was 12, and David McGinley believes that I probably had a true near death experience. And once you've had one, usually don't fear death anymore after that. When I was, I was only 12, and I remember I used to tell the story with, you know there was a tunnel and there was an entity at the tunnel. But then people kind of looked like adults would look at me like I was crazy, so I took that out of the story, and just took it away. But I do think I probably did have a near death experience. And I just never feared death all the time I was growing up and I just don't have, I just feel like it's part of our natural journey as a human, I just, but because of our societal beliefs and things, once we get old, that's it. Don't wanna know the old people? Don't wanna see the old people? Especially if they're dying, we don't wanna deal with that. But I think we have to make changes in our society. And I think to fully grow and to fully accept ourselves, we have to accept all of the journey, the good and the bad, and just deciding to stop at a certain point is of no value to us. So the death part to me is extremely important. I want it to experience it. I want it to be a beautiful thing. And maybe right up to the last breath is horrendous. But I still believe that that last breath is fantastic. - What is your, and if there's a degree of privacy in this, that you don't wanna share the by all means, we wanna know any secrets that you're taking to the grave. (audience laughing) So if you could just tell us now, we won't tell anyone else. - I almost said you guys kill me, but I won't say that. (audience laughing) - Say such a dad joke. - Such a dad joke. - What's your experience been like with David? And for any of you who don't know, David McGinley is a, he works in the, where does he work? - Is it a charity chapel in the hospital? - It's a charity chapel in the hospital. - The high priest. - The high priest. - He's like 6,000 feet tall. - He's like so tall. He's like 6 foot 7, I think. - He looks like slender man. - Smoke his head off that door for him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's extremely tall. I hugged him and I used to be tall. I've been shrinking by the years. I used to be 5 foot 9, now they're telling me I'm 5 foot 6. - Oh wow. - Anyway, I went to hug him and it was like, - Yeah. - Really tall. - He's a chaplain by name, - Yeah. - Slender man by name. (laughing) Now, other than a weird mix, other than being enormous, he's also, he's also just, - Kind of beautiful, one of the most beautiful people on the planet that we've ever been able to meet. We had him on the podcast for our 100th episode. What is your experience been like with him? - Well, I just met him. He came to my home with my friend and we just had a lovely discussion and he asked me a bunch of questions around the drowning and he said, "You're really scoring high for someone who's probably had a near death experience. That's probably why you're so at peace." Because I just, I can't not be a piece. I just feel, it feels so natural and peaceful to me, even knowing that I'm a little bit more comfortable. date, it doesn't freak me out. I don't have any fear of death whatsoever. But I will say, when I sent the text to Erica who will administer the injections, I did cry. I thought this is very, very final. Like this is it. And I thought about it all week and I'm like, no, November 1st, it feels like the right date to me. It feels like the right time. It makes everything feel so, it makes everything else feel so less final. All the choices that you make that you go, you know, like right before you're about to send that email that you're, but you click it and you're like, that's gone. Yeah. But there was a sense of peace when I sent it, but I did cry a little bit. I was like, Frank, this is really, it's really going to happen. And it's not for fear anything. It's just that I have to say goodbye to my friends and I love them so much. And my my relationship with my mother has never been better than it is now. All of those goodies, it's hard to say goodbye, but they're also a little bit artificial because things are, I'm sure people are treating me a little bit differently because I'm dying and stuff like that. So it's a little bit artificial. But I feel very loved and cherished and good. I feel really good. Was there any, you know, I can't help but think about like, all right, so the date's coming, I'm putting myself in your shoes, it's coming November 1st, I've got like 29 days, you know, a lot of loose ends, I got to tie up. Was there any, within that process, did you feel the need or have the need to contact anyone in your past that you wanted to like write any wrongs or or find forgiveness or give forgiveness or not not a single person? I really thought back and I've been, that's why I have found through this whole journey, I've been going through phase after phase after phase, little tiny slices of phases. And I was in a major phase not long ago where I was really, really examining my life and trying to see like, what did I learn? Like, what were my lessons this lifetime? And I really, it's just how I'm wired, I'm not a mean spirit of person, so I really find it hard to be unkind to people. I'll stand up for people, I'll tell them off, no problem, but, but just to be like a knot, to be unkind, it's just not in my, it's not in my DNA. So I don't really have any regrets or anything that, that I need, I don't have anyone I need to make peace with, anyone that's not in my life, and I've had a few people do some things that weren't that nice that are no longer in my life, even since I was diagnosed with cancer. I live by two models, actions speak louder than words, and when someone shows me who they are, I fucking well believe them, for sure. And so a few people have shown me who they are, and that's okay, but they're not going to be part of my life because they're not on my team. Yeah, I guess in a way too, like, I mean, there's a lot of people who lose their lives without the opportunity to plan it. I've had the gift of time. And like, why, just because you know the date, why does that mean that you owe it to somebody else to give any of your remaining time back to them, right? If they wanted me, if someone came to me and said, look, I really screwed up with you, that was a really foolish thing that I did. I'm really sorry. I would be like, of course, but if they're just like, well, I have a new made a mistake and blah, blah, blah, I'm like, no, not like that. No, so I can't, so I still think that everyone deserves second chances and all of that, but if someone does something underhandedly, they're just not a good person, I'm not going to give them the time of day. I have so many stellar people in my life. Why would I give someone like that a second thought? It's just not. I wouldn't even be bothered. You also have 29 days left. It's like, I don't know. I'm worried about that shit. Speaking of days, I will say this on October 1st, I woke up and I had been off a steroid. I had some swelling in my brain and I had to take a steroid. I felt like I had a hairline fracture in my skull and the steroid really helped. So it was time to go off it and I felt like death was coming over me. I've had a few times. You just feel so terrible. So they put me back on the steroid and it really helps me out. I'm on one today. I was on two the last two days better than I'm on one today. Anyway, I just, oh, that's my dream of thought. October 1st, you're gonna woke up? Oh, yes, I woke up and I was just having this overwhelming feeling like, oh my god, I've got so much to do in not enough time. But I have been planning this for two years. I've got my, you open up my laptop. Audrey's will. Audrey's funeral plan. Audrey's obituary. Audrey's this or not. So it's so organized, but I still had this overwhelming feeling that I have all this stuff to do. When did you set the date? I originally set the date. My birthday is March 27th and I originally set the date probably like five months ago. I was going to try to make it to my birthday and I went to my oncologist and said, I'm going to go. I'm going to, I was born on March 27th. I'm going to leave because I always say both, I think both days are equally important. And he said, oh, but Audrey you're not going to make it. I'm like, what? I couldn't believe it. He kind of led me to believe I might live for a couple of more years maybe. And that was, I had to, I had to, I had to make peace with it almost all over again. And then I just chose November 1st and I just thought, I love, I wanted to get through fall. I love the fall. And. Can't miss Halloween. Can't. I know. That's right. And that's right. And I didn't want to wreck Christmas. So I thought it's not too, too close to December. Right after like right before like, that's right. You're wanting Halloween being done. That's right. It's a small window. It's like very first day. The way before we advertise it. The Christmas, I know that the songs are playing. They're all going to be playing. That's right. No Christmas music at my funeral. No way. So I just, I don't know. I just felt like the right date. Yeah. And I just said that's going to be my date. And I stuck with it. And I just feel really good about it. Sitting here in front of a bunch of like med school students and future doctors and doctors. Like I'm curious to know about your experience. Like was there any outstanding medical experiences that that you had during your diagnosis that really stuck out to you? Yeah. I would start off by saying the first oncologist I had was not looking at my scans. So I if I hadn't of fired him and gotten a whole new oncology team from a friend advocating for me, I probably wouldn't be sitting here. So a lesson that I learned and I share often with people is that you must advocate for yourself. There's no one is going to advocate for you like yourself. And fortunately for me, I have power. I have such fabulous friends and lots of friends and high places that advocate it for me without me even asking. So that's an important lesson. I had when I was first being diagnosed, I had a neurology resident. She was kick ass. They wanted to send me home before they had the appointment for the I had the mammogram but I had to have the biopsy and I said I'm not leaving this hospital without that appointment. It won't it'll be months before I get one. I'm not leaving. And she even said you're not leaving until I get one. And she was a resident and she went and got me an appointment. So that was great. I've had other medical students or still a medical school that are working with doctors and they have been phenomenal. And some of my friends usually come with me to my doctor's appointments and we give them critiques. We say look you're really good. Keep this. Get rid of that. You know. We probably love you. But we have we've given a lot of students medical students lots of feedback in what feels good. And just being just hearing people is extremely important and not don't ever make people feel like you're just brushing them off. You're talking about their life. It's so important. And you guys get rid of it now online. So you have to think about that. It's hard too because like doctors are oftentimes like overworked busy days. They go from appointment to appointment person patient after patient after patient. But it's still like every time you walk into the room you need to have this new level of like attention to the patients. Kind of remind yourself that each experience is new which is admirable that that people like you guys do that. It is tough. But also as a patient like it's your life. It could be your life that you're dealing with. So there's definitely like a bit of a paradox there where it's it's certainly hard at times. I would say this if you if you medical students could hear this as a patient. Well, I a friend of mine who works with the provincial government made this statement which I really love and I make two statements. I'll say this one first. I need a doctor. You need a nurse practitioner. You know, we're talking about how to save money in our in our in our in our healthcare. I think we need to look at things like that. People who are most sick should get the doctors and people who just need a prescription for cold medicine could maybe not tie up so many doctors. If we're trying to save money and make sure we have doctors in all of our rural areas and stuff like that. I think that's a valid something to think about. Another thing. When you're dealing with patients there are so many new things on the horizon and when I'm fighting for my life and I say to my oncologist, is there a trial that I could go in? Is there a surgery being done that I might try? And when a doctor says, "No, there's nothing going on like that." I'm going to take your word as frigging gospel. And if it isn't gospel, please don't say it. Please look. Or please say, "I don't have time to look." But if you could look, look here. Something like that. I just, I had a conversation with two people in the last 24 hours that talked about a doctor saying to them, "No, there was nothing else available." And then they learned that there was. And my cousin is actually still alive by doing a risky procedure. And she got it because her mom literally begged the doctor. And he said, "There's this terrible surgery. You could die on the table. This could happen. That could happen. It could possibly save you. Well, it saved my cousin." And if my aunt hadn't been there, she fell to the floor and said, "You must save my daughter." And wrapped her arms around the doctor's leg, freaked him right out. But if she hadn't have done that, my cousin would be deceased now. So I think there's got to be a way to let patients know what's available to them because we're going to think that you're God. We just are because we don't know more than you know. So that's something to think about. I'll put that out as something to think about. Well, we have had a handful of moments in our time doing this, which serendipitously is just about three years since we began. And where we've really learned, where we've had some pretty major revelations about what it means to live and what it means to die. And this is certainly one of them. Although your attitude and your perspective on this and the way that you are going to November 1st with a fearless mindset is incredibly admirable. And I think that I know that you are a shining light for the reason why this program is important. And the reason why people should have the choice to make their own decisions. And for that, I know that we thank you. I know that we're really proud of you. And it's been a profound experience with you. Before we wrap it up, there's one question that we really love to ask, I have most of our guests, but I'm like dying to ask you. I have another one right before that before if you want to end on that. Go for it. I have six more just before you say that. I have seven more. We could do this all day. I'm curious and maybe you guys were kind of wanting the same thing because we had talked about this before. But what is it with the so the regulation around the concept is so you have to sign off on that initial. So I signed that initial when I went through the interviews. I signed off on it. So when Erica comes on November 1st, she's going to give me the evil eye and make sure that I'm soundmined. So you have to be of sound mind. So that could mean two things. That could mean the cancer. I do have cancer in the lining of my brain. So she'll be checking to make sure that I'm still Audrey. And I'm on terrific amount of pain medication. But my pain medication, do I seem like I'm medicated to you? So luckily my pain meds don't really change my personality. But on some people, if they do, they would have to come off their pain medication so that they have sound mind when they come to do the maid. So that's why I that's all the day of. So I'm hoping that I'm going to be just fine. But if I'm not, if I'm not Audrey, if I'm off a little bit, she doesn't think I'm of sound mind, she will not do it. And it was there because you, it's my understanding that you had to choose the date of November 1st with the kind of mindset that you would still be of sound mind on that day. That's right. And not any further down the line. I'm scared to go any longer because if I do, like I say, it could be not sure, it should show could be good. And if I, if I go too far and it goes into my brain because I, like this whole side of my face is numb and my brain was swollen and I just had lots of little things, you know, just happening. So I'm scared if I wait too long, then I'm not going to get what I want. Because before this conversation, now that I've spoken to you, I understand that choosing November 1st for you is not a good. It's not a bad matter. It doesn't matter if you get what like where it's you're okay with, with dying and that day is your decision. But I might have waited till December 1st. Right. So you would have might have waited if, do you think you would have waited if it wasn't? I would have waited. If the regulation wasn't, you would have waited a bit a lot on the day. You would have waited. I probably would have waited to try to go to the new year. Yeah. And if I knew that once I had that directive signed and no matter what happened to me, I could just have it done. I would have waited. I would have tried to go through Christmas. In your opinion, I will, I'll reluctantly say that to my friends because I've had so many friends writing me, can't you just put it off for another week or another two weeks or another three, but no, I'm going on November 1st. Right. And then again, like I understand that because of the circumstances, but do you have an opinion about the way that it I shouldn't have to, I should just be able to go through, go through the system and make a directive. And I think it should stand. And I get that but like as an advocate to who's, who's, you know, trying to leave the future generations with like a powerful message and a lesson maybe as you leave here. Like is there, is there a way that you think it could be done better? The easiest way I can say it, it's such a big topic, but I do believe when they were debating about medical assistance and dying in Canada, there does have to be a measure in place. What if, what if a bully of a son is trying to make his mother die so he can inherit her house and her car and all that kind of, and her money and whatever. That's I think I saw that on passions. But what if like that, that to me, that to me would be an exception to the rule. I think I'm the rule. I'm the rule in that I am terminally ill. Jeremy is terminally ill. For someone who has early onset, all simers who knows he's going to lose his, his, himself, that's my fears losing myself. I think that we're the rule and we should be able to sign up for it and make it a directive and it should stand. If doctors notice that there's something fishy with a family that doesn't feel right, then they should be able to have this measure in place to maybe do some investigation. That's how I see it. I don't know all the answers. I don't know enough about it. I just know that I'm going through it and if I'm not of sound mind on November 1st, I will not be getting those injections and I feel like that's not fair. What would you say is the biggest thing that this entire experience has taken away from you? The dying experience? Cancer, dying. Dance. God, I miss dancing. I really miss dancing. It's just my passion and I really miss it a lot. But I don't feel that I've lost anything. I have my friends. I feel good everywhere. I feel good and I feel relatively healthy considering my health. You look fucking amazing. You look really good. Settle down, Brian. What are you doing later? Ethics, Brian. Ethics. Right, right. Oh my God. I said I did a video for a fashion show the other week and at the end of the video I say, who dies of cancer? Fat. Really? Come on. Me. I keep taking the damn steroids and I gain more weight. I think I'm like 70 pounds up on steroids now. It's unbelievable. And I said I was really looking forward to I have like a wardrobe that goes from like size 2 to size 18. And I was so looking forward to those leather pants. I was going to finally get my behind in those leather pants. Debra took them the other day. It's not going to work. No, not going to work. Do you have your friends taking your clothes? I have given all a look. I spent a lifetime. I'm a fashionista. I didn't have children. I own all the designer bags, all the designer jewelry, all the designer clothes, all of it, all of it. All of it. I have a deor bag. I have to sell it. And I have to throw it in the back. You're going to deor bag. And you get a deor bag. And I have a Chanel bag which is going to be my earn. And that's all I have left. That's all I have left. I gave all of it away. And I have a lady, a friend of mine. She's getting my entire wardrobe. And it is so freeing to just give it away. I spent a lifetime working, collecting and finding and spending. And you know, and it's all gone. And I love it. I love just giving it away. It makes me feel so good. Now aside from the weight, what would you say is the biggest thing that this is given you. A lot of weight. What's it given me? Like I said, I think this journey, I feel really proud of myself. I really do. I really like myself. I never used to look at videos and I think I like me. I like who I've become. I like what I stand for. And that feels really good to be at the end of my life and to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I like me. I like me. I'm a good person." And everything that I did that was good is coming back to me in spades. So I highly recommend being a good person. I really do. Um, one final question. When you go, would you be our guardian angel? Absolutely. Absolutely. Every time you get a little like that, that will be me saying, "Snap out of it!" Ladies and gentlemen, Audrey Parker. Thank you. You guys, oh my God. You guys too. You guys give me one of the seven hundred different languages. That's really nice. You guys, thank you. [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music]