Ask, Tell, Confess: WTF is WRONG with US?!

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And if a friend asks me about starting a store before the holidays, I tell them, "Don't wait until Black Friday, get it launched, learn what works for you, and have everything ready before that holiday traffic starts coming in." If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/bunny to start your free trial. That Shopify.com/bu and an ie. Go to Shopify.com/bunny today to hear your first. Hello friends, welcome to another Ask Teller. Come on. She's still going. I had to be dramatic. This one's short and sweet, and a man that checked on my boxes, then told me to sh*t in his mouth or it was over. She is now single. Did he want it soft or hard? How are you? What's the problem here? In the mouth, and I sh*t's on the bitch, like in Toyos B.I.G. He says that. I mean, listen, I've been paid to pee on people. My other one says one time I had a guy want me to pee in his mouth. Yeah, I've been paid to pee on people. No, I don't get that. But in the mouth, two girls one cup. Did you ever watch that? I heard that was fake. You heard it was fake, it was a defrosty kind of defrosty vibes. I heard it was fake too. Yeah, that looks fake. I don't know. So I mean, more power to you. So I feel like you dodged a bullet. Like, what how many other f*ckin', what is this? He's got a porta-potty for a mouth. Like, you're kissing that man. And he's got a bucket of all sorts of other women's turds. I wonder if they kissed before. No, maybe with a little bit of corn in it. She said he checked Oliver Boxes. So obviously they've been doing some stuff, you know? But I wonder what the tradeoff is. Are there other qualities that are maybe good? Like, maybe he pays all our bills. The sh*t in his mouth, absolutely not. Men are f*cking just, I f*cking hate all of that. He's saying he could be a nice guy. He didn't cheat. I'm sure he's a great guy, but, you know, eating turds is probably the last thing you want to f*ckin' do. Well, he probably doesn't eat it. He probably just has it in his mouth and spits it out. I feel like you know a lot more about this than you're willing to admit. I'm just saying, like, I didn't hear anything. I just hear something that he likes to do behind closed doors. I didn't hear anything wrong with, you know, if it's a, you know, no harm, no foul, you know? It's like a- It's definitely a foul. That's 100% a foul. We'll just put out some garbage guys. I mean, do you like to eat sh*t? Could you imagine if he lies with you? Could you imagine if she lined it like we do the toilets on the tour bus? What if she got a f*cking hemorrhoid and she's got a, she's got a lay-o- stand over him and scrunch. Like, nobody wants to see that. There's nothing attractive about that. What if it's diarrhea and splashes in his eyes? Like, what if she had food coloring and it was f*cking green? What if she ate aparagus the day before, you know? And you can't poop without peeing. Yeah, so I feel like that's becoming with both. Yeah, two for one. My partner and I bought a house in the country last year and have been battling a mouse problem. We finally felt like we got it under control. I was home from work one day and my dog was fixated on my partner's nightstand like he would, like he would track down critters in other parts of the house. I opened the top drawer and seen nothing, close it, open the bottom drawer. Well, that's where we keep all of our adult toys. When I opened the bottom drawer, there is a nest of shredded paper and six pink baby mice in his penis pump. I was beyond baffled. I faced time to my work and the look of disbelief was incredible, but so valid. We've been so tickled by this and wanted to tell someone because it's hilarious. So this is my throwaway account. I've been waiting all week to share this with y'all. Oh, in the penis pump as well. They take a picture because I want to see it get bruised. They burrowed in because it's like a little hamster cage. Oh, my gosh, yeah, you could never use that penis pump ever again. I hope they didn't use it again. And why has dude got a penis pump? Those things don't even really work. I might have more. My exes used one. I've told you guys I walked in on them in the closet. Oh, in the closet. In the closet, in the closet. I mean, he already had a fucking hog on him. So it was like, you're referring to it as a hog. Yeah, like, so I'm like, what are we doing? Like, it doesn't, it didn't do anything different. Yeah, it's trauma. It stretches the penis out and like hurts it. More, I don't think it like trauma is wild. Maybe they like it because it makes all the blood rush to it. Maybe for assistant's activity thing. But yeah, no, that's hilarious. I hope you guys fucking bombed the fuck out of your house, though. I would freak out with that many mice next to my bed. Oh, God. No, what do you do to the mice? I'd like to know where they left. In the fucking toilet. Yep. Yep. Listen, I freak inside. Listen, I freak ladybugs. I do all of that. But mice living in your house, you got to make an example. Take it out. No, I live in the country. I got a cat for this exact reason because we have little mice out in the chicken coops and in the barn. And I can't handle that. And I'm terrified of them getting to the house. So we, you guys all know the series of barn cats car. But that right there, what were they doing while you were sleeping? That's what I would like to know where they running on your bed. Oh, yeah, it's got the chills. Yeah, think about it. That's the whole house down the drain. I can't fucking do it. They burned the whole motherfuckin down. They burned the whole motherfuckin down, Poggy. I'm over it. That first whistle was like pre-com. Oh, well, edging. You guys ever been with a dude who's like, has so much pre-com. Their dick is wet all the time. I'm gonna have to, yeah, I'm gonna have to say no on that one. That's a no-for-me dog, have you? I'm sure all the time. Anytime they are excited, the pre-com just fucking shoots out of their dick. I also think so. It's like calm down. It's just way. Chill out. It's so gross. I hate it. I can't. The kid's a little much. I'd like him dry. I like my bones dry. Okay. I don't want us so wet that you could jack it off with it, though. That's wet. Yeah. You get like that, I mean. I don't think so. I'm not sure about that. I would say that I wouldn't have any comments I've never experienced stuff like that. You don't have pre-com? I do, just not like that. You never felt a guy's dick with pre-com? Yeah. Have you ever been on a lot? You never jacked off a friend. No, just if I can reach it over and gave him the old handy J. Yeah, everyone does it. I've thought about it, but now I'll never have. Yeah, I've thought about it. Yeah, I mean, I have a lot of thoughts. Let me hear some of them. Um, I figured out that there's a. I didn't know that chickens and hens were like the same thing. No, we're talking about you dragging off your friends. Oh, different kind of cock. Yeah, I don't want to know more about this. You just found out chickens were chickens? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Like when someone said a hen, I thought that was a different than a chicken. Go back to the dicks. Yeah, yeah. So, how often do you think about dragging off your friends? Because a couple of people were offended that you were defending the person on the podcast a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. With a shitting in the mouth. Oh, yeah, I saw that. I just. I'm not a kink shamer. I get. I don't know. It's just if he's not hurting anybody. I wouldn't share like a cup with him. Yeah. You know? A cup of what? Like orange juice. I don't know. Like a water bottle. I wouldn't like actively share things with that person. Like a vape. Oh, poop vape is wild. Yeah. But no, yeah, people were. This is why you can't drink after people who don't know. What's the difference between a vape and a cup? Your mouth's still on it. I know. He said he's not doing that. Yeah, I'm not doing either. With that person. Because I know that he likes to do that in a spare time. But what if he didn't tell you like how many joints have you shared with your friends in the past? Right. What if they were all shit eaters? What if they were pooped out? I'm going to now think about that. So. A lot of people ever sharing joints again. Never again. Actually, that's pretty gross. Remember back in the old days when people used to sit around in like a smoke circle and everybody would hit the same blood. Back in the day, yeah, I mean, I don't have this I still do it. - Yo, they for sure do it. - Yeah, it's. - Yeah, until I almost died, I was doing it anyone that handed me something. I wish we had one. (laughs) - You know, very small. - I don't know where your mouth has been. - Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Claire Haver, board certified OBGYN and menopause specialist. My podcast, Unpost, is the place for bold, unfiltered conversations about what it really takes for women to thrive in the second half of life. Every week, I sit down with medical experts and leading voices to talk about the health issues that matter most. Because Unpost isn't just about the years you live, but how well you live them. Listen and follow Unpost with me, Dr. Mary Claire Haver, wherever you get your podcasts. - Nice to meet you, guys. - Hayley? - I think there's some stories. - Hayley, you've been getting some dick lately. - Dicked down. - Yeah, you've been getting some grandma don't watch anymore, so we could talk about this. - Revenge body for shirts. - You have been getting some dick lately, so we don't know where that mouth is, thank girl. - Tell everybody how you're getting eaten out on your balcony. (laughing) - Oh my god. (laughing) - And then sit to do it home afterwards. - Bye. - She said, "I don't care, I don't care." - You guys, let me paint the picture, though. Hayley's neighbor is right across the way. - Window's a freaky. - Window. - Literally, I remember looking into your neighbor's home. I know what kind of dog they have. - I know, he's a redhead. - They know what your vagina looks like. - It was covered by his head. - I know, but you weren't moaning in that alleyway, like a fucking alley cat. (laughing) - Because it's like, she lives in like this alleyway. - Imagine your neighbors being like, is there cats fighting out? - I was like, you know when you're drunk, though, and you like really can't hear. - Yeah. - So you don't know what was happening. - Maybe I don't know out there, I don't know. - Why'd you just send him home afterwards? Why did I? - Yeah. - Because I don't really like him. - How can I say, I can't-- - Are we watching this right now? Oh my God. - I'm sorry. - Listen, if you are gonna fucking, no, please be honest, I love that. If you're gonna give up-- - Yeah, though, you're definitely sticking your dick in because I don't feel fulfilled after getting his. - You can't just get that. - Like if you're gonna eat me out, you're sticking it in. Like this is a full-time job. You're not doing fucking-- - I didn't want to part-time. - Have you been dicked down by him before you know what it's like? - Oh, you didn't even know it. It was lying. - I didn't want to know what it was. - Damn, you're just like eating me out and fucking-- - It was my birthday. - You guys, we're going to Jacksonville tomorrow. - Oh, I'm so excited. - You guys-- - I love Wyoming. - We're going fucking white water after you. - Not exactly. - Okay. - And such bad anxiety. - Fucking terrified. - No, I have anxiety too, but you want to know why. Because anybody we ask that has gone white water after you, we're like, oh, was it fun? And they're all like-- - No. - Yeah. - But nice. - It was somebody else too. There was somebody else who had gone. Who was it? - Jeffrey. - Jeffrey. - And he was like, why? - Jeffrey Star was like, you know, and Jeffrey's asking us why we're doing something that it's, and he's already done it. - Yes. - It sucks. - So nobody has literally said that white water rafting is cool. And I'm petrified. And then not to mention, you're going through all these fucking crazy waves. And literally you have a string to hold on to. - Would your mom say-- - In an inflatable boat. - Yeah, her mom said your toes. - Dig your feet like under so you don't come out. But I'm like, what if the whole thing flips? - So you don't come out? What the fuck does that mean? - Oh. - Have you-- - Have you never-- - 'Cause you're bouncing. - Bouncing. Like, that's why the waiver says, like, you have to sign that basically you could fly out and hit your head on a rock and die. - You didn't see that part. - It's like riding a bull. - I didn't, I didn't read the waiver. - Oh, I read every single one. - It's so scary. - The entire time? - Yes, except you took two hours? - It's two hours long. - Yes. - I really didn't know. - Hey, can you look just about now? - Two hours? - On that two hours. - I was just fucking all the time. I don't believe that. - Oh wait. - There's no way. - I haven't broken that guy. - I can't fucking do that. - So we're gonna be so sore from that and then we're gonna have to use the same string to-- - Oh. - White water. - I could do, I got 10 minutes. - I wonder if they just like pull us out of the water. - Wait, you know when they like don't actually send you and they just like set you in one spot? Like a missonable boy? - Can we just go circles? And Jeffrey also said it depends on the day because it's sort of like hot air ballooning. It's like, it depends on the weather. So like, had it rained a lot or anything? It's gonna be extra. Or if like-- - If the water's like calm and cool, I'm good with two hours. If it's a category six, like my mom said, is like for a Olympic like type level, that's when she said I wouldn't do it. She did category four. - It can't be like that the whole time. I'm not getting on it. If it's like that the whole time. Okay, I'm just gonna tell you guys that right the fuck now. - We all get there in our wet suits and she says, no, and we like squeak away. (laughing) - Oh my god, we so funny. - Like, dude. - No. - No. - I wish they had a simulator so we could like feel like what it would be like prior. - Fuck man. - I wish I could watch the people before. - If anybody has gone whitewater rafting, please leave us a fucking comment. - Let us know 'cause we do it like sunday. - Yeah, after this comes out. So you guys have time, DM us. - No, don't DM us, leave it in the fucking comments. I need to know. - We have to know immediately. - And I need truth. Don't sugarcoat it. - Have you ever gone homey? - No, I've never gone to whitewater, no. - No, okay. - It sounds scary though. - You have to wear a helmet. - And we're gonna have gopros on too. - Oh god. - It does like a very white activity. We're gonna be, listen. We're gonna be vlogging this shit. So, oh man. - Oh. - Okay. - Who's holding the camera? 'Cause I'm not. - I think we can actually connect it to our friend. (laughing) - Jason got a check. - Oh, he says my nose the entire time. - Oh my god, there's like, there's like a 360 camera. - Yeah. - You guys have like the horse. We're just the side of a horse. (laughing) - No, please don't do that. - She got us a chest strap for one of us to wear. - She says all right, buckle up 'cause this is one of the dumbest things I've ever done. So, last year on a random Sunday, me and my husband were deep in the Sunday scaries. Dredding work the next day, super anxious. So, we convince ourselves alcohol is self-care. But we start drinking. - Damn. - A few drinks in, I don't know what this means. A few drinks in the conversation, somehow shifted to boofing. - I've heard of that. - Ashtrap. - We're gonna ask. - Well, yeah. - I guess that I know what it means now. - Oh, okay, go ahead. I started talking about how I'd heard stories of girls soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them out their asses to get drunk faster. Did I have tampons? No. Did that stop me? No. So, what I did have, this is stainless steel straw. So, in a moment of pure brilliance, I grabbed the metal straw, put a little tube on the end and shoved it up my ass while my husband attempted to blow beer through the straw like we were conducting some kind of hillbilly science experiment. The second the beer hit my ass, I realized two things. Beer is freezing cold internally. Carbonation has no business being your colon. It felt so cold and bubbly that I immediately started laughing uncontrollably. And apparently when you laugh with carbonated beer in your ass, your body turns into a pressurized keg. The fizz in the pressure built up for approximately half a second before the beer launched directly back out of my ass through the straw and straightened to my husband's mouth. Mouth. 'Cause he was blowing new and she blew it back. She said, "Neilississair experiment ended immediately with the next 10 minutes." Scream laughing while he wiped core's light ass foam off his face. Dude, that's fucking so gross, dude. Oh my God, that's love. Yeah. That's love. I'm looking for that. Yeah. (laughing) That's what I'm looking for. Someone get here a core's light and it's throwing a straw in you. I used to put cocaine at my ass. How? So you would take, you know, little baby syringes. You don't put the needle on it, but you know, the thing that you, you know. So you would cut the line out and then you pour the line into that little thing and then you put water in it and you shake it and then you stick it up your ass and just inject it in your ass. Yeah. A lot of people do stuff like that. The best way to ever do cocaine would never do it again. This was in my 20s, guys. Yeah, don't do cocaine now. Yeah, don't do the knot. Do not do as I say. Okay, do not do as I do or say. It's too scary to do drugs nowadays. I am so fucking, dude, no. I won't even touch a rail at a bar because I'm afraid somebody did like a line there. Yeah. Okay, good never. Who taught us the story the other day that someone accidentally dropped my friend? Told me an ass tell confessing person at the redneck rumble that his friend was at a certain bar that I cannot say on Broadway. And it was a friend had just gotten a bag of weed. Was it weed? Oh, it was coke. Okay, well, I thought it was weed. No, this makes it even worse. He dropped it in the toilet. Wait, and he was, he was so like hard on times. Yep, that he got it out of the toilet. And still, no, no, no, no, no. He drank the water. Yeah, you know what, I stop listening. He told that I have to retell that story. - All right, that's his guy. I thought I was a weirdly spills the cocaine into the toilet water and was so hard on time that he drank the toilet water. - Listen, nobody wants to give their money away to ridiculous bank fees. It's your money. You shouldn't have to pay somebody just to keep it in an account. That's why I like what time is doing. There are no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, and no minimum balance fees. You can also get 5% cash back on your chime card in a category you choose, like gas or groceries, while building credit through your everyday spending with no credit check. And if you're ever in a pinch, SpotMe lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. To me, banking should make managing your money easier, not nickel and dime you every chance it gets. So if you're tired of ridiculous fees, chime is definitely worth checking out. Join the millions who are already banking fee-free with America's number one choice for banking. Head to chime.com/bunny. That's chime.com/bunny. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. - Chime is a fintech, not a bank, banking services, and chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details. - You know what's funny? Is because he deembed me a little after, and was like, "I heard my friend told you about my story." - Oh, you know the person? - I don't know him, but he is always liking my stories and stuff. - Well, that dude might be hard on money, and you might need to help the guy out because who the fuck would drink toilet water? - No, listen, I have done some weird shit when I was strung out on drugs too, but I have never drank toilet water. Like, that's crazy. - That's disgusting. - Yeah. - Especially at a bar. - Yeah. - That's what I'm like his turn. - I'm gonna throw up. - Yeah, I mean, listen, let's just pray for that dude 'cause he's obviously-- - I just wanna know. - Yeah. - Did you flush before or not? - Or like, what if you-- - You can't flush 'cause I won't have drugs in it. - If you would peed, and then drop the bag. - He was probably just in the stall to do the cocaine. - Yeah. - Someone's asking our advice. They said that they've been seeing a guy for about a month now, and they're both lawyers. - Lawyers or lawyers? - Lawyers. - Okay. - They're lawyers. - And they work in two different legal fields at law firms over an hour away from each other. The last time I saw him, he did tell me he is considering bringing his clients to the law firm that I have been at for four years, and he would become a partner at that same firm. So, he would essentially then become one of my bosses. Should I end things before that happens? I don't wanna be the associate who's sleeping with the boss, but in all fairness, I was sleeping with him before he became my boss. I'm very afraid to mix business with pleasure. - Mm-hmm. - That's a good one. - Hailey. - Yeah. - You happy? - I think that if you end things with him before he gets there, it's gonna make things awkward between you guys, or you're gonna have like sexual tension all the time, and end up just banging in the fucking- Are you learning any? - No, I'm not. And they'll end up banging in the office, but I also see her other point is like she doesn't, you know, but you guys were dating before. - I feel like it should just be said to the firm like ahead of time before that-- - Yeah, like send them out or something. - Send an email. - Yeah, send an email, per my last email. - Are they not publicly dating? Is that what the problem is? - It doesn't seem like it's, I mean, it's only been a little bit. - Maybe, maybe public. - Yeah. - Yeah, but then-- - They might not hire 'em if they're dating. Some firms are like that, like they won't let-- - Can't mix business and pleasure, yeah. - That's a tough one. I don't really know how to answer that. - I don't know, but I love sexual tension. - I think-- (laughing) - Listen, I always say follow your heart though. Like if you think this dude is the one and you guys have a chance-- - Right. - I always feel like you'd be messier to early. - Yeah, I do too. - Yeah, and I don't hear any other issues. Like if he was like cheating or-- - Yeah. - But this seems to be the only issues how you feel, how you think you're gonna feel when everyone else finds out. That doesn't seem like a-- - That is true. You're kind of playing off of an emotion of what could happen versus what is happening. - We call that future tripping. - There you go. - Your future tripping, so, I mean, but-- - Future maxing. - Yes, future maxing. - Future maxing. - Yeah, I think I say if I can just go for it and just be honest with people. I started a fuck buddy's situation ship after getting out of a bad relationship. My friends with Benefit was a dreamy six-two bartender. I worked with at the time. He was hot. He had confidence and a swagger I couldn't deny. He bragged at how he loved going down on women and promised when I got to experience that, it would change my world. That, with the fact that he had a big dick, I was genuinely giddy when the time came to experience this alleged mind-blowing experience. We're in my bed and he starts making his way down south. He's butt-ass naked, fully bricked up, and he starts his magic. I'm laying there trying to get into it because it wasn't quite what I was expecting and then it happened. He farted. One-long poof. And it just kept going like nothing happened. And he just kept going like nothing happened. It smelled very bad. And I didn't know what to do. I pushed myself up and said I didn't think I could get into the right mood and he said we should chill out for a bit. He was offended and then told me that maybe, just maybe, I had a weird vagina. No, bro, maybe you should make an effort to hold it in when you've talked such a big game. Was he in, like, sniper position or. I think he was crouching tiger. Crouching tiger. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Dude, his demonstration was wild. Oh, stop, dude. OK, first of all, ladies, if a man tells you he can eat pussy, he cannot. Nope. Any dude that brags about eating the cat and being a fucking a pro at it does not. It can't even find the knob, all right? They're liars. I've trust me. They don't know what they're fucking talking about. Secondly, normally men who have big dicks and swagger and are super hot are just going to be a fucking letdown. Not one of them is going to be a great story to write home about. Unless you just fuck him and leave and never talk to him again, other than that, the majority of the time they are a disappointment. Speaking from experience. So. Yeah. I had one time. Oh, I'm sat. Say it. Ready? Thirsty. One time, there was this guy. We used to call him Carlos Asada, because he was-- [LAUGHTER] Happy Cigar to my, everyone. Happy Cigar to my, all right, so we called him Carlos Asada, because he was so hot. I'm talking like, oh my god, this dude was just unbelievably hot and just perfect body, in shape, beautiful face. And one night I finally got to take him for a spin. And we went to his house and I had been drinking tequila and all that stuff. Anyways, I go down on him and he smells so bad. So fucking bad. To the point where I didn't even want to have sex with him, I just ended up sucking him off. I get in my car to go home. And all I can smell is that smell of him. And I'm literally on the 215 with a fucking bag from Smith's, a grocery bag, projectile vomiting as I'm driving down the freeway, because he smelled so bad. Nada on the Asada. No. [LAUGHTER] Yes, not on the Asada, baby. I'm telling you. Oh, no. [LAUGHTER] No, it was so bad, dude. God, I never looked at him the same. I never fucking ever did double dip. What did it, what did it not look like? It was just putrid. It was so, I don't know. You know how some guys come smells really bad? Yeah, it was rude. It was that she's having PTSD flush back there. It was that, I can't do it. If guys, if you don't eat right, and you're just eating fucking garbage every day, your ejaculation is going to smell so bad. Clean it up. I'm kind of gagging a little bit in the shop. No, I'm a little nauseous. [LAUGHTER] So anyways, honey, we're sorry that you experienced that. So yeah. All right. Yup. And the fuck do I follow? [LAUGHTER] I told you guys, I got some good ones this week. Hey, can we open our presents real quick? So Jason gave us some presents, and we don't know what's in here. This whole segment could be cut. Yeah. All right. Are you ready? I'm not prepared for my hug. Altogether. There's humor. Dude, he's stapled these-- or taped them shut. It's Christmas bags for me and it's me. You used my Christmas bags. It's fucking me. Do you want this back? No. OK. I was like, I can't get it open. I got a stack of them. I got tape. You got it. We're taped. I'm nervous. God, you guys are faster than me. What in the-- Mine's great. Mine is great. What does yours say? Wait. [LAUGHTER] Wait, how they're different? Jason. Mine says-- Mine says, "Eaten beef blastin' queives." [LAUGHTER] [BLANK_AUDIO] - What did you say, I mean, this is blasphemy to eat what? - Ah, that's it. - And it's got a bunch of cats on the thing. That is so funny, dude. - This is in my cream pie era. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. That is fucking awesome. - How am I cake daddy? (laughing) - Ah, I love it. - Do we really have this next episode? - We should. - Yeah, that's why we have next episode. - And we're in these literally downs. - Jason, where did you find these? - This is insane. - Do you like this? Eat and beef, blast and cuisps? (laughing) - I think there's an even Noah's happening. - All right, we love you guys. See you guys next week. Bye. (upbeat music)