Ask Jay: How Do I Find My Purpose?

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This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle, with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com slash on purpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage and studio for details. Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. I'll see you in a minute. Maybe you could be one of them in the future. I can't wait to dive in. I'm in my mid-40s, and within a pretty short period of time, I've faced breast cancer at the end of a long marriage and also a realization that the career path I worked so hard to build no longer suits me or feels like what I want. For most of my life, I've been the reliable one for everyone else at work and personally, and appear pretty capable. Even when I was feeling completely depleted. Those traits that helped me succeed, I became really good at meeting expectations, keeping everything together. But in that process, I lost touch with what I really wanted for myself. I kind of examined my life and where I want to go while recovering physically and emotionally. Sometimes I struggle to know whether the pull is genuine inner guidance or if it's simply another attempt to prove myself. So my question is, how do you tell the difference between your authentic inner voice, and the survival patterns that you've been guiding your decisions for years? Well, thank you for that question. I want to start by just acknowledging the courage it takes to even ask this question. I find many people survive what you've survived. But they never stop to ask whether the life they're returning to is actually the one they want. And that's fine because sometimes the pain can be so overbearing. But you're doing something really hard. You're examining yourself. You're examining not just what happened to you, but who you've become because of it. Now, there was something you said that really stood out to me. You said, "What I called strength was actually adaptation." And that's an incredibly profound reflection. Adaptation can keep us alive through difficult seasons. But the strategies that help us survive aren't always the ones that help us truly live, right? You can develop a tool or a habit because it helps you to get to the top of the mountain. But that doesn't mean that same tool or habit will help you get to the core and the depths of yourself. And so I want you to think a bit broader about this. And this applies to everyone who's ever been in this position of finding, is this their authentic path? Is this their passion? Is this their purpose? The question isn't whether writing or speaking or coaching are the right path for you. The deeper question is, who is making the decision? Is it the part of you that believes you're worth, comes from being useful and productive, or is it the part of you that feels most alive when you're helping people from a place of wholeness rather than expectation? I want to draw a bit of a difference for you between what survival patterns look like and what your authentic voice looks like. I found that survival patterns usually are a bit urgent. They're full of pressure. They're like, figure it out now. Do more. Become more valuable. Don't fall behind. Keep proving yourself. You've got more to show. And your authentic voice is often a little gentler. It's a little more quiet. It doesn't demand that you earn your worth. It's more of like an invite into, hey, I think this might be right for you. It's like a little nudge, like a gentle friend. And so the question I want you to ask yourself is, if no one ever praised me, paid me, or recognized me for this, would I still feel drawn to it? I remember in my own life, when I was wondering what I wanted to do, I was doing this in rooms of three to five people. I would spend three hours a night, sometimes three nights a week, just helping people. I didn't get paid for it. I didn't get praised for it. Didn't have any followers. But it was beautiful. I loved it. And so I carried on doing it. So if, for you, the answer is yes, I'd do this if I didn't get paid, praised, or recognized, you're probably getting closer to something genuine. Another clue is what happens when you're preparing to do the work and after you do it. Survival leaves you feeling like you have to keep running just to stay relevant, just to stay enough. Authentic work, it can still be difficult and challenging. But underneath the effort, there's a sense of peace, alignment. So you really have to observe yourself in the moment. I kind of think about it like, when you go to a restaurant, when you walk out, you know whether you like the ambiance of the restaurant. You know whether you like the service or the food, because you check in with yourself. So sometimes you have to do the act, not just think about it. You actually have to do it. Maybe you try some coaching, try some writing. And then you check in with yourself and ask, how did this feel? Did it feel authentic and real? Or did it just feel hard? Did it just feel fake or put on? And I want to share one more thing. You don't have to solve your identity in your head, right? Clarity doesn't come from thinking. It comes from living. So write before you become a writer. Coach before you become a coach. Speak before you become a speaker. Let the experience teach you what thinking can never do. Arthur Brooks' Success Trap is the exact mechanism you're naming. The reflex to reach for the next achievement as a way to feel like enough. Mistaken for a calling. In his bestselling book, From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose, the second half of life, Arthur Brooks talks about how chasing external rewards raises your wants faster than your achievements, leaving you perpetually unsatisfied. And so I don't think you sound like that at all. I think you're someone who wants to work from a place of purpose and fulfillment, but that's the way to know. Are you simply chasing a version of how you want people to see you? Or are you pursuing how you want to see yourself? This episode of On Purpose is presented to you by Mazda. Peace of mind. Peace out. brand. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Hi, I recently left my corporate career to put focus on my mental health. I've been a creative director working in corporate marketing for over 10 years, and I started feeling like I really lost my personal and unique self. creative perspective. And so I left my job. When I did that, I decided that I should give myself six months of working on a passion project. And so I started a podcast. It's been really, really fulfilling. It has allowed me to express my creativity in the way that I want to. But I am approaching that six-month mark pretty soon. And I know that things take time. And the podcast has developed this like small, very loyal fan base that seems to be growing. But I have also never had this level of financial instability before. I'm wrestling with looking for a corporate job and just like diving back into that world, letting the podcast be a beautiful way for me to find my creative voice again. So my question is, what are the things that I need to ask myself in order to make the right move here? Thank you so much for that question. I can relate to so much of what you said. So I'll be sharing some of my personal reflections as well. But I want to start by saying, well done for having the foresight and the vision to pull away from your work. Because when you've been doing something for 10 years, it's really, really hard to step away. And so the fact that you had the courage to actually say, I want to protect my mental health. I want to pursue creative things. I want to follow my instinct and my intuition is an incredible step. It isn't a step behind. So well done for taking that step. Truly. I see so many people who keep pushing themselves, maybe reach burnout or close enough and only take time when they break to do it proactively is a phenomenal step in self-awareness and moving forward. Now, what I'll say to you is you initially did this knowing you wanted six months out. And what's beautiful is that it sounds like it's been beneficial. I feel like you sound like you feel good about this decision. You also have discovered the podcast, which I'm so happy you're building a small, low following. It means you're really having an impact on people. And I'm so glad that you're getting to see the value you have to bring others as well. And the questions I'd be asking are actually not so much about, do you go back into your job? Do you work on the podcast? Do you have to choose either or? The question I'd actually be asking yourself is, how do I do both? In a way that allows me to feel good about myself and what I'm doing. How do I allow myself to not experience financial instability, but also not experience creative breakdown, right? Before this moment, you had financial stability, but you didn't have a creative outlet. You didn't have that sense of balance and calm that I assume you're experiencing right now. And what you don't want now is that you have the calm, you have the outlet, but you don't have the financial stability. We want to live in a world where these two can coexist because both of them have an impact on your mental health, right? I think often we live in a time right now that says, work's really stressful and I just need a break for my mental health. Not realizing that not having work, the financial stability, the routine, the rhythm, the colleagues, some sort of pattern, that can also be hard for our mental health. And so what we have to look at it and say is, what type of work, how many hours could you work a week? What type of colleagues do you need to be What type of workplace environment do you want to function in, in order to not feel that desire to run away, get away and escape? What does that look like? What are your new standards that you're going back to the world of work with where you won't settle for less, where you won't compromise on your needs? Those are the types of questions I'd be asking yourself. That job exists, that work exists, you being clear about that exists, and you knowing what you won't settle for is going to make all the difference. At the same time, you have to choose some work that doesn't stop you from doing this podcast. You found a sense of purpose, you found meaning, you found value and fulfillment in it, and you don't want to give it up. You've created patterns and rhythms and habits right now that seem like they're suiting you. How can you prioritize them in your life so that you don't forget to incorporate them when you go back? I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for Sponsored Jobs. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com forward slash podcast. That's indeed.com forward slash podcast. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with Wi-Fi, grab a snack at the cafe car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a cellar or northeast regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit Amtrak.com to plan your next trip back into work. Don't make your purpose responsible for your paycheck. Don't put pressure on your passion to become your paycheck right now. It's okay. To work a job that pays the bills. A job is what funds your life. It doesn't have to be the place where your soul does its best work. It can do good work, wonderful work, but it doesn't have to be the thing you dream of doing. I remember when I was in a similar position to you, where I was working a corporate job, and at the same time I was creating videos online. And at the same time, I was coaching people offline. And at the same time, I was doing keynote speaking. All on top of my work. And my work allowed me to explore all these other avenues. And I also brought my passions into work. I remember becoming a mental health ambassador at work. I remember teaching mindfulness and meditation at work, which made work more meaningful. Take your passion into the workplace. Find your purpose in the workplace as well. Take this mental health podcast and make it useful to wherever you go so that you get to integrate your life. Not disconnect it. What's really fascinating to me is that if you try and make your podcast your paycheck right now, it can put so much pressure on the creativity. The thing that currently brings you so much joy can very quickly turn into a source of pain. I've seen this time and time and time again, that when someone quits their job, they're doing their passion that brings them joy. And all of a sudden, their passion isn't paying the bills. And now their passion becomes a pain and a source of pressure. You want to allow it to continue to be a passion, continue to grow organically, continue to develop and keep building a beautiful fan base. And at the same time, have a source of income that doesn't cause you too much stress, that isn't causing you too much imbalance. Now, I know you're thinking, Jay, that sounds like a perfect scenario. Of course, I take that. And you're right. There is not going to be a job that gives you the perfect amount of stress and the passion that keeps being possible to do all the time. There's going to be a little bit of a give and take. But what you want to do is go in with your eyes wide open. You want to go into a workplace and be really clear about the questions you ask. Be really confident about what you bring. And you want to go and continue to do your passion, recognizing that you get to do it with your full creativity. This isn't an either or issue. I think what the mind does is it creates tension by saying you have to do this or you have to do this. And in effect, what the healthiest answer is, is to find the middle path, the path that balances both, the path that allows both to coexist, the path that allows both to be important parts of your lives. So this is more of a syncing up issue than it is a either or issue. And don't let the mind trick you into believing there's one right path or wrong path or there's a straight trade. There is a way of creating a collaborative opportunity for being financially stable and continuing to be successful. And that's what we're going to talk about in this next chapter, not with fear that work will be overwhelming again, but that your standards have been raised so that you know what aligns with you. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. Balancing work, life and big goals isn't easy. That's why Walden University helps working professionals get the W with tempo learning. So you can earn your degree at your own pace while gaining practical skills through real life scenarios. You'll also learn from faculty with real world experience and have support start to finish. Walden University, set a course for change. Ready to start? Visit waldenu.edu today. Certified to operate by Chev, tempo learning available in select programs. Right now I'm in the middle of running a new business that opened up back in November. I will give a little bit of a backstory of myself. I am finishing my bachelor's degree right now. I also opened up a care business where it's in demand of services of pet sitting, babysitting, tutoring, and homesitting. I am now under the pressure of many things in terms of it's affecting my work life, my study life, my family life, and my relationship life. I have in my head that it's going to succeed, it's gonna do great, everything's going well. But I also feel the challenges and that burden on myself that if I do any wrong move that my relationship's gonna fall apart or my family's gonna be disappointed. I mean, I have in the back of my head right now that I would like to close the business because I also wanna focus on my career, but I'm also at the standstill of, I need to move my apartment, I need to find my new career as soon as I get my degree. My question is, what is the right decision to make in terms of priorities? Because there, of course, are the five priorities in life. But what is the one that matters most and how can one not feel overwhelmed and burdened by just little decisions in terms of work life, relationship life, and family life? - I wanna say that what you've built is something to be proud of. You're finishing a degree, you start a business, and you're trying to show up for the people you love. I mean, you're winning right now. Like, that's unbelievable, congrats. Like, that's truly brilliant. And the fact that you feel overwhelmed doesn't mean you're failing. It just means you're doing a lot. You're hiring a lot, right? And the biggest advice I would give you is this. Don't make a permanent decision while you're in a temporary state of exhaustion. Right now, it sounds like you're asking, like, do I keep the business or do I give it up? But the real question might actually be, what version can I sustain right now with everything I've got going on? And it's important to remember, of course, that a business is supposed to serve your life, not consume it. It's supposed to serve your life. It's supposed to serve the people you love. It's supposed to serve the people you care about. - So you have spring, you have summer, you have autumn, and you have winter. Nature is doing something entirely different in each season. Does it mean that it doesn't prioritize growth in winter when the trees are bare? Does it mean that it doesn't prioritize beauty in certain seasons because it's going through a state of regeneration? No, we recognize that nature needs to do different things at different times in order to stay in sync, to stay coordinated. And so there will be seasons in your life where you focus more on your business than everything else. And there will be seasons in your life you focus more on your family than everything else. And there'll be seasons in your life that you focus more on your career than everything else. That's how life functions. And what you want to do, especially with your relationships, is communicate. What you said to me, if you could say to the people that you love, hey, I'm really struggling trying to figure out how to do this. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I hope you know how this is a temporary thing I'm working on. And once I've figured out my career, I'll be able to put my business aside. We don't ruin our relationships with the people we love because we're working too hard. We ruin them because we don't communicate about the work we're doing. And we never stop to also prioritize them in different seasons. Trying to balance everyone and everything perfectly every day is a recipe for failure. Imagine nature said today we're going to have light, lightning, rain, wind, sun, flowers, bare trees, leaves falling off like in fall. Imagine you try to do that all in 24 hours. I mean, maybe LA kind of does that sometimes, but if nature tried to do that every day, it would be exhausting. Everything would fall apart. And a lot of the times we're trying to be the perfect partner, the perfect professional, the perfect person, the perfect parent, all in the same day. It's impossible. So instead of asking what's the perfect choice, I want you to think about this. What is my top priority? My number one priority for the next six to 12 months, it literally could be just graduating and finding a job. And then second question, what commitments are truly necessary and what can be reduced or what can be paused? What if it stopped today, wouldn't affect the rest of your life? And ultimately, if I remove the fear of disappointing people, what decision would I make? Because running a business doesn't disappoint people. It's how you communicate about what you're doing in your life that can let people down or let them know where you're at. This next segment is brought to you by Wayfair. Just like a peaceful mind, a home that supports your everyday life needs to be built with intention. When you fill your space with quality pieces you can rely on through life's unpredictable moments, your home becomes more than a place to live. It becomes a foundation for everything else you do. So today we're talking about the power of making intentional choices, and investing in the pieces that sustain us for years to come. Welcome to our built to last segment. I've been thinking a lot about this idea of a sanctuary. We usually imagine a sanctuary as somewhere we escape to, somewhere quiet and peaceful, away from the demands of everyday life. But I think one of the most important sanctuaries we can create is the place we return to every day. Because so much of our lives is spent responding to the world around us. We're answering messages, making decisions, thinking about what's next. And even when we physically, physically stop our minds don't always stop with us. That's why there's something so powerful about coming home. You walk through the door, put your keys down, sit in the place you always sit. And your body almost seems to recognize I'm home. I can exhale here. I think that's what home really is. It's not just a physical place. It's a feeling. And that feeling is often created through really ordinary things. The sofa where everyone gathers at the end of the day, the lying that makes a room feel warm, the table where you've had hundreds of conversations. Over time, those things become part of our rituals. They create a sense of familiarity, comfort, and belonging. And that's why I don't think creating a sanctuary is about creating a perfect home. It's about creating a space that supports the way you actually live. Because restoration doesn't always mean getting away. Sometimes it's walking through your own front door and feeling your shoulders drop. So maybe the question isn't just, what does my home look like? Maybe it's, how does my home make me feel? And does this space, help me come back to myself? When your home is filled with pieces you can count on, you have more room to focus on what matters most. As you care for yourself, let Wayfair help you create a home that stands up to real life. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Remember that purpose doesn't demand doing everything at once. True fulfillment comes from understanding that when you feel overwhelmed by small decisions, it is usually because your mind has flattened everything into the same urgent bucket. The shift you need to make is to sequence, not to juggle. Instead of keeping all those balls in the air, step back and name the single domino that needs to fall first. Most of these micro decisions aren't actually equal in weight. They only feel heavy and identical because you're trying to carry them all at the exact same time. Thank you for saying all of that out loud. There's something that changes the moment you stop holding it all inside. And remember, you don't have to hold it alone. And I'm so grateful that you're being so vulnerable and sharing your truth with so many. Keep sending them in and I'll-- - On any journey using Uber, it helps to know you're getting into the right car. Pin verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride. Before the trip begins, your app gives you a unique pin. Just tell it to your driver and they'll enter it in their app before the ride can start. - Hey, what's your pin? - Mm-hmm, 2538. - That way, you know you're in the right car taking the right trip, and your driver knows you're the right passenger. Make sure your ride is your ride with pin verification from Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. - Ugh, I hate Mondays. - King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? - Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. - Mmm. - Hey, let's get back to work, please. - But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and soft. - King's Hawaiian Swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. - Taylor Hansen? Nice! - Try one. - Mmm. ♪ Bites, jibba-dabba-doo ♪ - King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. ♪ Don't you love 'em ♪ - There's nothing like it. ♪ Sweet swirling is all good ♪ - This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, "East of Eden," a bold re-imagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Watch "East of Eden" October 1st, only on Netflix. - I'll keep listening.