Asher Perlman Drinks Salt Everyday

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It's super mean. Is it really, really? No, but I don't remember if we met or if I just, do you remember? No. You don't remember. No. I'm bad at this though, it's not. I am too, because, and so this could be like fully the fourth time that we had encountered each other. I was walking through I/O, and you were sitting in one of the tables with some friends. Okay. And I was walking with someone, and he said, that's Caleb, he's the future. Who said that? I think it was John Sabine. I'm going to send him a check. John, your check's in the mail. He called it. That's really funny. I think it was, he's the future. It was something like that. I was like, "Damn it. Yeah, okay. That's cool." And then, I mean, tough look for the future. If this is what we've got to look forward to, if this is the future, I feel good about it. If this is what we've got to look forward to, I feel good about this. That's really funny. I fucking loved hanging out at I/O every day hanging out at I/O to me felt like, I mean, I moved there right after college, and I just felt like everybody was so brilliant and fun. I didn't feel any of the, like, I don't know, there, I think there were people who's experienced, and I want to know what yours was. I think there were people who's experienced at I/O was like, "Oh, everyone's getting spots." And I was just like, "I think this is so fucking fun." I loved it. I also think that half of your listeners just turned, they were like, "Oh, they're going to talk about I/O?" They're gonna be comparing their experiences that one of the improv theaters of Chicago, but I loved it. Asher, they turned the episode off when they saw that you were a straight man. I was like, "Fair." I'll tell you that right now. That's totally fair. They saw the thumbnail and said, "Ah, pass." They knew it from the thumbnail. Do you think you present as gay in any way of shape or form? Well, I'm not gay. I don't know. You have good style, you have nice glasses, but there's an energy that radiates from your eyes that says, "This is a heterosexual ally." And you think the energy reads in a thumbnail? Oh, it's gonna read in the thumbnail. The thumbnail? They're like, "Wow." Okay. They're gonna see the thumbnail and they're gonna go, "Oh, God. A straight guy again. I hate when Kilo does this. It's probably all about football. Worst. It's about improv." But we get really into like who played on my team, when like, different hero teams got cut. Let's go. Let's do it. Well, you know, the only drama I experienced at I/O, Asher, was that I didn't get placed on the hero team made out of my class? I mean, this is obviously on them. Like, this is like whoever was on the hero commission at that time. Well, it turned out to be a reason for it, but they didn't, you know, they played little games. They didn't tell me that they were, there was someone leaving a veteran team and they wanted to put me on there. Oh, what is this? But he didn't know when he was leaving town. Oh. So for like, seven months with no explanation, I just wasn't on a hero team and I, I, I will say, I was not cool or mature, I was very pissed. I was very pissed. I was like, everything I've done for this fucking theater, I had a weekly shit. I was pissed. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? How did you find out? Was it, was it months later? It was eventually, I think I was so mean about it. I was so mad. I think eventually, somebody from the hero commission was like, like, took me to lunch. I was like, hey, we have a plan where you stop. But also, that's not, that's not how to do that is on them. I think consistently, people in power don't realize how much people not in power are hanging on their every decision in every word and how important I did it. I think that everyone in power needs to appreciate how much people read into every little thing they do. I think also it's like I interned, you know, the internship at IO is that you go work, like a seven hour shift once a week, every week that you're in classes. And I never missed a shift. And you don't get paid money. You get free classes, which is like more valuable. It's totally more valuable. It's worth a sweet and gold. But that's why I was really pissed. I was like, I never missed a fucking shift at this theater and you can't even like pity put me on a team. Mad. Power. Okay. Who's word are you hanging on? Who in power has, who has control over you right now? Whoever's in power at any given moment. I'm just saying I think that I get you have power. Everyone's like watching you. They're like, they're like, they're hanging on every, like, you're the, you're the king. Like, I think, you know, like, everyone's tired. Everyone here, everyone in this room is watching your every move right now. Asher, worry if anything to have people in this room who respected me or cared what I thought you are looking at a group of people who they don't think about my needs once in a year. Okay. Well, you know, you're lucky. You're lucky. I'm saying I, hey, I don't have to worry about having yes, man. I'll tell you that. Yeah. That's very good. That's lucky. I got a bunch of fucking no girls. All of them fully laughing at you. Yeah. Cause they know it's true. They're getting away with fucking murder. They get paid too well to treat me too bad. Yeah. You know, I actually, I have an answer for that. I think I don't like it. Really? I don't like having it. Wow. Wow. Why? I think because I, I think because I second guest so many things and I think, I think a precondition for handling power well is sort of like proceeding with confidence and I don't think. I don't think I'd do that. Really? Why not? I feel like you're confident. You feel like a confident person or just with power? I think if you give me control, like, uh, this is slightly different, but like when I, when I did my, well, I don't want to talk. Come on. Come on. Do it. Don't be scared. I'll speak more generally. I did a project once. And the person in power basically was like, do whatever you want. And I was like, this is horrible. Cause now I have no, I need editorial oversight here. I don't want to be the, I don't want to tell you like, this is the way it's going to go. And it was like deep, very destabilizing for me. Yeah. And, but it, uh, didn't, that's how it went. Did it go badly? I think it went well, actually. Okay. But the experience of it was really hard. I was like having a lot of anxiety during it because I was like, I, this can't all be on my shoulders. What is there but the experience? What is it about the experience? No, there, there is only the experience that I'm saying. The experience was hell and the outcome is great, who cares? Yeah. I'm like that. I completely agree. I think that 10 or 15 years ago, I would have disagreed at this point. I'm fully on board with that. Well, the experience is your life. Yeah. That's the, like the, if all your days of a thing were bad and then at the end, you're like, oh, but it turned out great. It's like, that sucks. I hate that. I don't have a bad time. This is, I used to want to be a part of, if you had said the, the, the project, the product is great, but the people that you're working with are kind of lousy. I would have been like, that's fine, but like we're making something important. Yeah. And now, if you told me the product is like fully mid, but you're with people you really love spending time with, I'm like, I'm, I'm signed, I'm signed in the contract. That's the show. Put me on. That's the show. That's the show. That's the show. No, this is, but this is both. That's the beauty of it. I would die for these losers. This is both. And the show sucks. I wish the quality of the product was good. It's bad, but I love these people with my whole heart. I would die for them. They don't really, Michelle won't look up from her laptop and it's kind of on her phone, but. No, I would die for them too. Yeah, I could feel that. And they would die for you. They actually probably care more about what you want in the, actually for sure. They care more about your wants and needs than mine. And I actually like that. I think that's good. You think they care more about what my wants and needs? 100%. Absolutely not. Right now, if I said someone get me a coffee, it wouldn't happen. I've asked Michelle for a coffee before and she won't bring me one. Oh. Which is crazy because she's my assistant. You know that. You right now we're like coffee. She'd be like, yes, sir. Well, you mailed me last night and said, do you want a coffee tomorrow? And did you get one? I didn't get one. You didn't. I didn't get one. How often do people take you up on the coffee order all the time? Yeah. Wow. Okay. I would have done it. Really? Asher, you've missed out on this opportunity. But what I want to tell you is anytime you come around here in the future, take us for all worth. Really? I'm dead serious. Take some of those snacks home. Get a coffee anytime someone asks if there's ever a lunch order, like throw it in. I mean, I almost grabbed a Celsius, but I thought that was too much. You're drinking that stuff? I have drink that stuff. That's why I didn't reach for it because I'm trying to stop. I don't drink that. I think it's killing us. It's bad. I think in five years there's going to be something called Celsius kidneys or something. Yeah. I'm like, we don't know what it is. It's Celsius long. It really is. I think it's like, it's too, it's too good. It's something else is happening. It's not just like, well, there's caffeine in it. Yeah. Because if you like Google it, it's like, well, it is 200 milligrams. Like a grande coffee from Starbucks says 300 or whatever. Like, that's not what's happening. Yeah. It's going to cause. Let me ask you this. Do you know how you feel at any time? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you know your feelings? Do you feel like you know your feelings? Like, are you able to be like, I don't, don't even know. This is a good question. I wanted to know why you're asking, but first let me answer it. Oh, no, no. First let me tell you why I'm asking. Okay. That's great. You were talking about Celsius, I don't drink Celsius or like energy drinks because part of what like when people are like, oh, I'm so tired, I go get over it, but I think that Not only works for me because maybe I don't know how I'm feeling a lot of the time. Do you know what I'm saying? You're saying you're unaware of the fact that you're tired, which allows you to get over it? Kind of, I think. Oh, I, okay. In that case, now that you've given some context, I think I'm very aware of. You know your feelings. I think I'm very aware. Can I tell you what I thought you were going to say, because this is my experience on Celsius? Yeah. I think it kind of makes me unaware of my feelings, because it's like your, I've never done like math or something, but I feel like that's what it feels like. This is numbing you out. It like, well, I just feel completely untethered. Really? I'm like on the moon. Wait, have you ever had one? No, and I'm like, wait, I don't know. I'm like, hold on. You should drink one right now, and 10 minutes from now, tell me if what I'm saying is true. It, it's, it shouldn't be legal. Yeah. What is? It's just caffeine, right? No, I'm telling you. It's not, I mean, yes, that's what they would say, but no, I don't think it, I mean, if you had it. I'm on one right now. On one. How do you feel? I feel, I feel like I'm living in 40. He's on Celsius? I did not know it was like this for you, I said, you had it in here. That's how you know it's bad because you're on it. You're on it. You take it. Yeah. You don't drink it. You take it. Yeah. You receive treatment. Yeah. It's exactly. It's administered to you. I think it's bad. That's fucking crazy. The first time I had one, I was like, this is unlike anything I've ever felt. I never could have imagined that you would talk like this about Celsius. I have, I've heard people like, people like monster or red bull or whatever, but I know that the clue that Celsius was like those don't do it. I think there's something about this new class of energy drink. It's like actual poison. It's like, it's like that machine in Princess Bride that like take the years off your life. It's that's happening every time you drink a single one, it's like two minutes are gone. Do you know what I will say? As the world comes to an end pretty swiftly soon, we do have some of the best products we've ever had. It's funny. I'm saying they're selling poison that's killing us and you're like, fully great product. How sick is it that you can put a feeling like that in a bottle? That is amazing. You want that for the end times. You know what I mean? Don't worry, those two years, we're not going to make it to the point where those matters. Right, those are irrelevant. Just, you know, those years were never coming. Those years were a mirage in the desert. If you could be up the moon and grasping towards. Yeah. In the meantime, let's have Popeye's fried chicken and let's have Celsius. Let's have, let's feel like we're on the moon. Let's be really fucking dumbed out. Let's get weed to a place where basically if you take any amount more than five milligrams, you're an extreme danger. Let's get to that place. Let's green out. Let's numb out. Let's feel fucking good on the way out. Fully. I mean that. Yeah. You can't get customer service anymore, but the products, when they're good, they're good. I just do the, I think I'm going to get an email from like, you know, like you never know if it's a scam or something, but it's like, here's your, here's your unique code. If you want to participate in the class action lawsuit, like you'll get a part of the money. I'm going to get like a thousand of those emails for every receipt from Celsius. They're going to find you and you're going to get some fucking serious. But it's going to be, it's going to be after the, yeah, oh, yeah, the food system is going to collapse soon. The climate's in a really bad place. So what I'm saying is right now, best case, we should have like triple cheeseburgers. We should have like drinks that make you feel like you're on the moon. We should be city biking everywhere. That's my own personal agenda. Is that make you feel great? City biking? Yeah. Oh, brother, you have no idea what you've done. You have asking me this. You have no idea the kind of worms that you've opened. City biking is the most magical thing. First of all, if anyone can hear me out there, move to New York City and ride your city bike everywhere. I said you bike home in the rain last night, 45 minutes. Do you know what I felt? Elation. And you think, wait, just so I understand, you're talking about city biking specifically or just biking. No, on your own bike, it's a little fine. You can have your own bike. No, no, I'm not just trying to understand what you look, because I do bike, but I have my own bike. You have your own bike right now. I'm like, am I missing something? You are. You are. You're gaining a lot. Yeah, you're gaining a lot by having your own bike. Sure. But let me tell you what you're missing. Let me tell you exactly what you're missing. Okay. You go to the station. There's a bike there. You didn't know if there would be. First of all, that's that surprise. That's excitement. Okay. With your own bike, you always know it's there. Yeah. Yeah. This is like the gambler's mind is excited by this. The gambler's mind is excited. But let me tell you something a little bit. It's more special. Okay. Last night, but when you pass other city bikers and they're on a city bike too, there's a brotherhood and a spiritual connection there that the average biker cannot understand. I'm afraid to tell you. You see another biker and you maybe go, well, we're both on bikes. To both be on city bikes is such a commitment to the lifestyle. Last night, and I hope these girls hear this. I'm biking over the Manhattan Bridge at like 2.30 in the morning. It's raining. Okay. I'm pretty fucking soaked. I can kind of barely see to be honest because my glasses got all wet. I feel it. I've got my headphones in. I'm lost. But they're open ears. So you can hear everything around you. Don't worry. I'm not being scary. Two girls biking towards me, also soaking wet, drenched from the rain. And when they get about five feet out from me, they go, yeah, and I go, yeah, we pass. We may never see each other again. Had they been on regular bikes, there's no chance we can act like that. That is beautiful. It's the magic of the city bike. The city bike has infused both of us and the city itself. Or does the city infuse the bike? It's a symbiotic relationship wherein the city, the bike itself and the driver are all receiving a sort of magical energy that we've only tapped into via participating with the city bike. Wow. And are you doing the e-assist? Or are you doing the non-e-assist? I think you know that I'm on the e-bike. Well, though, there is a very speed of view that I think you know that I'm, I think you know I'm walking five extra blocks to the next station to get the e-bike. No, I didn't know that. I just wasn't sure because the, I feel like city bike, like non e-city bikes are so heavy and kind of hard to maneuver. Those are tough. I've dealt with those. I don't enjoy it as much. But to me, it's like the e-bike part of the magic comes from the pedal assist. Yeah. I mean, I by, I used whatever Chicago's version of that is. Last time I was there. Oh, yeah. And I took the Greenway Trail, which is that trail that goes east west in Chicago. Divey. Divey. I think you did. Yes, I did. Oh, yeah. And I didn't e-assist. Divey. And did you feel the magic? I felt like I was on the moon. E-assist bikes, those are the things. Dude, I'm telling you, you can, the feeling I get from e-biking over a bridge in New York is more than weed. I assume pretty close to meth. I've never done meth. I have it on it. And I feel like I'm getting to a place where if I just, if I practice enough gratitude and focus enough, I could get it almost to a feeling of heroin. I really believe that. Wow. And people who do meth in heroin are listening to this being like, what are you talking about? They're idiots. They don't know how beautiful life can be. That's true. I actually, what's up? Sorry. Sorry to the heroin community. If you're doing heroin, you're probably obviously in a pretty tough place and I want to say, yeah, I send you love. Maybe try e-biking. For as much as I talk about the city bikes, they don't hit me up. Oh, they could be like a sponsor. They could at least say thank you. Yeah. They don't hit me up. They don't say anything to me. Do you have sponsors? But they're, we got some. Are they from, do you find them or is like the networks say these, these, this is your sponsor? Uh, it's a really convoluted process where like, it's not, it's never me going out and being like, would you like to advertise on the show? But I'm sure Wave is doing that going on being like, what about so true? Yeah. See? The shung man's got a bit of an audience. Yeah, I feel like. The wave is run by that guy. Yeah. That's cool. I like that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I like this podcast. You like this podcast. He's a sponsor. He's got guests, the mostly friends. Yeah. I'm spending your money. I don't know how it works, but I know that they send us options and we say yes when we feel like we can. Actually, one of my, because I was thinking about what my so true would be. This isn't my so true. Don't bring it up yet. Not it. Okay. It's one of the ones I'm not doing. Good. But it is a so true. But it's not bad. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. It's an old one. Tell me. Is that once you ask for advice from two people, you don't need a third. Yeah. Because I think what I will do is I'll get advice from someone. They'll tell me their take. And then I'm like, okay, interesting. I'll go to a second. I'll get their take. And maybe they'll agree. Maybe they won't. But either way, I want a third. Yeah. And at that point, I have to clock. I'm like, okay. This is not about seeking advice anymore. It's about a compulsion, like you need reassurance. And that's not what you, you need to, you need to like sit with this now. I think after two pieces of advice, yeah, something else is going on. Yeah. For sure. You're enjoying what this conundrum says about you or you're looking for. Like you're using it as like a way to connect. Which I don't think that's inherently bad. But there's something going on other than truly trying to get to the root of the problem. Yeah. Is your mom good at advice? Do you get good advice from her? So my mom is very good at being honest and direct. So like I had to make a decision, like an industry decision recently. Ooh. And I had, and I asked her about it. And she said, I don't know your industry well enough to tell you what I think you should do. But we, but you want to talk through what you're thinking. And that was that, that, I thought that was like, that was nice. That was good. She sounds so cool. She's awesome. I love her. Are you just tight? Very tight. Shout out. What's her name? Rachel Perlman. Rachel? I love her. Some little lesbian in her life is going to get that back to her. Young lesbians who watch this show operate as sort of carrier pigeons for me. Really? Yeah. Someone will be on the show or like, I'll be on a set. And like, it happened a lot last year when I was like filming a bunch. That was working with some actor who really wouldn't know who I am necessarily. Or why I should be in the movie other than maybe I was good for the role. And they're like the fourth day of set. I'm going to be like, okay, my niece says I have to tell you that she's a huge fan. And I go, what do her bangs look like? And the answer is almost always blunt. So that's kind of what lesbians are out there propagating the message for me. When do you think, because I mean, you have, I would say, I would say you have a very, a rising level of recognizability, right? Sure. - Okay. - Right? - What's the thing? - When do you think that you're, when do you think it's gonna be more just like everyone knows who I am? - Oh, I don't know. I try not to think about it. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, that's really-- - I think, 'cause I think it might already be more than you even know. - Yeah, who knows? Whatever, right? Like what a, I don't know, fuck, who care? I don't know, like-- - I don't know? - Not who care, it's a good question, but I don't know. I just try not to think too much about it. I'm like, 'cause also the reality is like it doesn't matter, it won't make me happy. That's not what makes me happy. And also, it'll be gone someday, even if it comes. So putting any type of stock in it is like, what are we guys talking about this? - Not about you. We were actually, yeah, you're downfall's imminent. - We were talking about it earlier. - Right, before you got here, we were like, this is like the clock is ticking. - On our thoughts. - On you, on the, no, no, no, no, no. We're just, I'm open to that conversation. - No, we were talking about that. We were just talking about, in general, culture moves. - Yeah. - And so things that were like, I was talking about how things that were very popular when I was a kid. I think like when you come of age, those, you're like, these are the things. - Yeah. - And then now when you get older, you're like, oh, wait, no, those things were popular when I was a kid. - Yeah. - And now other things are popular. So it wasn't about you. - No, but also about me. This will shit. I mean, you won't be cool forever. This will shift. I will certainly, I can already see it happening sometimes in small ways. There will be a reckoning in the future about things I've said on this show, where people will come to view it differently because the context has changed. Right now, I'm like this young comedian who gets away with saying a lot of things that maybe like in five years, I'm certain people are going to have very big feelings about. And I don't care. I don't care now. I certainly won't care then. But like, yeah, this is not forever. We're in like such a beautiful, we're in such a beautiful time of life with this show and like creation right now where it's like we just got really lucky and we get to be lucky for a little bit. - Yeah. Have you thought about how you'll handle it when that, when if this backlash that you say is inevitable happens, do you have you thought about like how you'll approach that? - I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Whether it, I feel like it's fine. I'll come out on the other end because the truth of the matter is I'm not scared because I don't have anything to be scared of. I actually like who I am as a person and I think I am a good person to the extent that that's a thing you can be. And so I'm like, it'll be fine. They'll come back around. I mean, how many times have we like, we do this in society, we love doing this. We love like, we love loving something then we love hating it, person thing, whatever. I don't worry too much about it. Hopefully I'll relax a little bit. - Yeah. - That'd be nice. I look forward to relaxing someday. Have you had intense backlash to anything already? - Yeah. - You have? (laughing) (upbeat rock music) - Folks, this episode is brought to you by Hinge. Did you know that nearly eight out of 10 people looking to find dates and connections turned to friends and family for dating help? We all know how important it is for your friends to like the person you're dating, not all of us. 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Please go to pomewonderful.com. How was the podcast been for you? Do you fear the things you're saying on there? Do you feel like you guys keep it in safe zones? I mean, I fear most things I say most of the time. For you. Which actually makes it very ironic just to have a podcast. Or to do this. Yeah. But that's the podcast. That's for you. Um, but yeah, I definitely-- I feel like anything, the more I do it, the less any individual thing feels important. Like this is true of all creative projects. Like, you know, the first thing you do at once and you're like, wow, I really-- this has to be perfect. I want to-- and then by the hundredth time, you're like, it's pretty-- you know, I'm good. Like, it's OK. Yeah, just put it out. Yeah. But I think like the first couple episodes, I was like, I think we should lift this out. Let's cut this whatever. And then Michael Cruzcan, who I hosted with, he's much more cool and confident. Yeah. And he'll be like, you're fine. Yeah. And actually, that's a huge gift, I think. I think everyone needs a Michael Cruzcan in their life to say that it's fine. Yeah. He makes you feel-- but you believe it when he says it. He makes you feel like it's actually fine. I feel very dismissed. He's not listening to me at all. No, he's a bad guy. And I call my mom. Yeah. Rachel. No, no, I think he's right. Like, even when he says it, I'm like, obviously you're right. Obviously, I don't need to worry about that. So it's good. Do you worry a lot in general? Do you think of yourself as a person who worries? Yeah. Really, what's the biggest one? Be honest. Be honest? Yeah, what's your biggest worry? Do you-- oh, OK, this is a good one. I like this one. Why, why, have you thought that-- Everyone should be thinking about it. I have been saying recently-- I've encountered a number of people recently that I'm certain they haven't considered they're going to die. This is so-- OK, this is-- They're being so fucking annoying and myopic and truly pissing me off in a way that I'm like, you've never considered that you're going to die. You're being so annoying about this thing. I absolutely-- I mean, this is-- I thought about this, obviously, a lot. I think about-- I mean, I'm not exaggerating 40 times a day. Really? I think that if death were into thing and it became a thing, it would be an emergency. Yeah. It would be a global emergency. If we're like, hey, you guys, you know how generally things just keep going and we've all been around forever? Tom doesn't do that anymore. He's gone. He's gone. And now he's rotting. Yeah. That would be every single politician in the world to be like, this is all hands on deck. We're trying to figure out how to stop this thing. We don't fully get it yet. But just because we're all used to it, we don't think about it. I think a lot of people have successfully distracted themselves to the point where they don't think about it at all. And I think that's way worse than thinking about it. Yeah, I could see it going both ways because there is sort of a beauty. And if worrying about it is impacting your ability to enjoy life, then maybe not thinking about it could make you happier, ultimately? I don't know. Maybe. But maybe it would be a more shallow happiness. Like maybe there's more depth to a life where you're considering the end. I don't know. Does worrying about it affect your ability to be happy? It definitely has. Yeah. Like sleepless nights, that kind of thing. And that's not useful. That's not good. No, no, that's not helpful. Yeah. So what are you doing? What is the fear do you think? Absolutely panicking. Wait, wait, what am I doing? What are you doing about it? And also what is the fear? The fears that I'm going to die suddenly. I mean, I'll call poison control all the time. No, you do not. All the time. I could call and say it's me and they would know who that was. What are you consuming that is-- I called poison control when I ate too many thumbs. And they were like, it's fine. I'm sure. If I take like Tylenol and then a prescription medication, and I'm not sure if that would interact or something, I'll call. It's mostly prescription-based. Prescription-based. Yeah. And at one time, my wife and I were at an Airbnb with a hot tub. And I was like, I think I swallowed some of the chlorine. Because they had like a little chlorine thing that was like occasionally lifting and releasing more. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. And I just happened to open my mouth at the same time that the thing, like, that it's a little chlorine. He would just buy like this. You're joking, but that is kind of-- And I was like, well, obviously, like, the amount of chlorine in the water is fine. But that concentrated amount wasn't. So I called Poison Control and they were like, you're fine. Yeah. And your wife was like, you're ruining vacation, please. She's very tolerant. Really? She's very tolerant. I love her. God bless you. Also, Chance Blur, where I made that mouth thing towards the camera. People can't have luck. People can't have that. I looked into the camera and opened up my mouth. You need to blur my face. We're also going to have a head. And Chance, make this bigger. Just like magnifying. You didn't open as wide as I did. I did it. No, I like really. I like raised up too. We used to make it bigger. I looked up. I don't even know. I might have been making a cute little doe eyes. They're going to go crazy with that. It was, I did have a reaction. Ooh, Chance, what kind of reaction? Yuck. Chance and I have never had a gay moment. Nope, never. So you know, we've been, for instance, we were 17 years old. And we've never had a gay moment even once, which is how I know he's really straight. Wow. You met in high school then. College. College. Freshman, you're a college. 17, 17. Are you going to be 18, huh? Something like that. Yeah, I'm fact checking this. Fact you said, I guess we would have been 18. We had like first semester of freshman year of college. That's beautiful. I love those friendships. It's gorgeous. Well, it's been tumultuous and mostly negative and unproductive our relationship, but fun at times. That's great. Yeah. Agreed. Thought chance would do a bit or something, but I guess we'll just sit with, well, you know, we, you, you kind of covered it, but I could talk about you right on kind of a speak when spoken to it's for the best. I do that too. It's for the best. I like, yeah, chance having a microphone is a big responsibility that we trust him with, but it can get scary quick. Have you always had a microphone? No, no, this is for a while. I just had to scream, but in my defense, he loves screaming. It's like one of his big, yes, that's fun. He's a total screamer. But no, we've never had a game moment. I suspect that if we were ever going to, we would have by now. Was there a time when you thought maybe the, maybe this will be the moment? No, never, never chance and I, I, even though chance has a way gay or personality than me, I always knew he wasn't gay. Do you know what I mean? Like, even when he was doing his little musicals and stuff in college and he was like, it's really important to me that you come, like really gay thing to say. I even then I knew he was like straight. I was like, he just gives a very straight vibe. It emanates out of him. His, his straightness would come out in a thumbnail as well. Really? From the eyes? From everywhere, really, it seeps. It seeps out from him. It's a, it's a bit of a tragedy because he was meant to be a gay guy. He like, well, I was musical theater. He's like, very sensitive, very gay stuff about him. I'm a zero on the Kinsey scale. No, you're not. I took the test. I'm a zero. You really? I thought the whole thing is that it's like no one's a zero, right? No, the whole thing is that it's a scale, I think. I think you can technically be a zero. Oh, because zero is dead. No, wait, no, what would be, what is zero on the scale? Zero is like, you're completely straight. You've never even had a gay thought would never. Oh, I think the idea of it. I always thought it's not real. Oh, it's not real. Change my to test. Chance, who, if you, chance, who is your, who's your male celebrity crush? Oh, fuck. Man, I, it changes. That's probably not just pick one. Just pick one. Hugh Jackman is okay. That is a very not zero on the Kinsey scale answer. Anna is holding herself back from having the biggest lap of her life right now. Hugh Jackman. Yeah, he's handsome. Yeah, that's one of the gayest answers I've ever heard. I saw Hugh Jackman in a play at the audible theater. Did you see this play? No, I forget what it was called. It was, they did three plays in, in, like, in repertoire. It was like, I, and all the actors were all the same. Yeah. It was one of those. And he was so strong, because sometimes when you see someone in a movie, you're like, sure, but they were doing pushups right before the take. Yeah. And Hugh Jackman on stage. I was like, Oh, no, that's, he is Wolverine. He's right now. He's Wolverine. He's, he's playing a professor. Whoa. A college professor. That's really crazy. Yeah. Were you turned on? No, it's just impressed. Where are you out on the Kinsey's prize? What? Where are you out on the Kinsey's? I heard it was fake. It's, I want to know that where would you think you'd be? I don't, well, I, I mean, it's zero, it's zero to six. Six is like the gay issue could possibly be in zero is your dad. Zero is, in my opinion, chance. Oh, one. Nice. Not dead. Nice. That's beautiful. You ever had a gay experience? Well, you know, look, I've had straight experiences. How'd it go? Oh, my goodness. I, I did not like it. Did not like it. I did not like it. Right away. You did not like it or like on, upon reflection. No, it was really kind of refracted back to me by other people when I would talk about it. Because I was like, I got hard and everything. So I was like, I must be into it. Yeah. But then I was like, no, that's just someone touching you. Like, I really, I, I, I look back and I'm like, I really did not enjoy that. I was not interested in it at all. And that, that, that emotional experience is more important than the physiological response. Because I think the physiological response is not a good indicator. No, physiological response could happen. Yeah. You can get hard over anything. Yeah. I'm hard right now. So was chance. It's crazy. Ever since I did that mouth gesture at the camera that we're going to blur chances had a raging boner. It's crazy. No, everyone who works for me is straight. It's a huge embarrassment in shame. Is that true? 100%. No, well, Anna's by, but she's new. Usually when I say that, and I hasn't been in the room, who's your favorite gay person? My favorite gay person? Yeah, can't see me. Can't see you. I can't pick. You know, I can't pick. Come on. I'm begging you. I'm begging you to tell me your favorite gay person. I mean, there's no, I mean, let me tell you some of my favorite gay people. How about that? Oh my god. Okay. Aaron Jackson and I used to do a two person impression. I love Aaron Jackson. Aaron Jackson, friend of the pod. Okay. Who else you got in there? You got Aaron? You want me to do a full list? I want to know. Here's the hero of your favorite. Here's why I can't do a list. Okay. Because I know I'm going to leave people off. That's scary. That's horrifying. I mean, I'm going to leave someone off very obvious. Yeah. And it's probably like someone who listens to this podcast. Right. Well, they do. So I can't do it. They do. It's their gay. They better be listening. If to be gay and not listen to this podcast is like, you're you're against the community. Yeah. You're like rooting on our downfall. So I can't do that. Okay. Don't wish your favorite gay people. I thought I would be really nice to know. I would just like to know that about you. But maybe we could talk about a lot of camera. I can list. I feel so much pressure. Well, Josh Sharpe right there. Josh, that's the obvious. That's a quick jump for Aaron Jackson, Josh. Yeah. We're going proximity. Yeah. Love Josh. Josh has been on this show. Josh has been up. Not Aaron. Yeah. Not together either. Well, do you know what happened? I'll actually tell you about this. Josh and I became fast friends because we met and we kind of fell in love and became buddies. And then Aaron, I wanted to fall in love with. But we just never could meet. We like, we're always missing each other. And finally, I met Aaron exactly where I was always going to meet Aaron, which is on fire Island. Beautiful. And that was always how it was going to happen. And we sway him together. And we had girl meets together. And now we have a beautiful friendship that's developing quite rapidly. Have you been to P town? Of course, I've been to P town. Because I feel because I had, I was talking to Ryan Jones, another one of my favorite gay people. Okay. And he's and he said that I think he said, and not I'm not going to fire Island this year. We're going to P town. It was I feel like he phrased it as an either or. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you have to choose. But then I think he might have ended up going to fire Island also. He probably went to both. He said he said P town's kind of the town version of Fire Island. P town's more of a town. P town's more friendly. What if P town was more of a beach? P town. Fire Island is more of a town. Fire Island is kind of a city. If you think about it, it's huge, metropolis. I had sex in a bathroom in P town once. Really? Yeah, it was pretty awesome. How did how did it happen? I was touring. And I had two nights in Boston. And a guy that I was seeing was in P town. And he was like, you should come out and say, say hi to all my friends. And I was like, of course, and I went out. And we he was in a 12 house of like 12 people. So it's like, we're working on the fuck at the house. And then we were at this bar. And I was like, I kind of got to go back to Boston and do this show soon. And then we hooked up in the bathroom. And it was great. Well, bathroom to me feel, I don't know if I could get there. Really? I think it could be because I would just be too. I'd be too. Well, worried about it. You know, worried about death, clearly. We think about death the whole fucking time. I'd be thinking about the entire time. 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Just plump, dewy hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. Try new grippy setting mist from Maybelline, New York. Wait, I have a question for you. Yeah. What do you think happens when we die and slash what are your thoughts on God? You believe in God? Please don't lie to me. I wouldn't lie to you. Nice. I mean, I don't believe in like the like Abrahamic God. Is that what you mean? You told me. No, I don't believe in that. I guess I'm probably what you would call just a skeptical, agnostic, I guess. Yeah. You believe in God. I think so. I remember hearing you say this. Maybe on this podcast. Is this something you talk about on this podcast? Almost every episode. Really? Yeah. That's how I'm doing with my fear of death. So you share the fear of death. I have, I had used to have a really bad fear of death. It was debilitating. And then I pretty much kicked it. Although I will say lately, I've had some like weird small health stuff, nothing to worry about. But I have recently started thinking about death a lot more than I was the last several years. I think basically my relationship with death was like, first 10 years of my life didn't really think about it, didn't know much about it. 12 years old to like 23, 22 massively fucking terrified of death, depressed by it, scared, thinking of it all the time. Like really, really, really fucked up like fear of death. And then pretty much from then until recently, didn't think about it much at all. And was like, it is going to happen, but let's just not worry about it. It's probably a long time from now. And then crossing over into my 30s, I was like, I don't feel closer to death necessarily. I just know more people who have died and I get sick randomly. And I'm like, whoa, fuck, that's really scary. What was the way you kicked it when you when you initially kicked it before it came back? What was how did you kick it? It's come back in a really healthy way. So I feel like I'm still counting it as being kicked, but it's not so much a fear anymore. It's a concern if that makes sense or like a thought. The way I kicked it was basically by just reframing what I think it is. I think I thought of it as this like horrible ending for a long time that I was like, I don't want this to end because I'm having so much fun. And that makes me really sad. But now I think of it. I also don't want it to end. And I'm having so much fun. But now I think of it as just like a journey like a, like a, it can be a very beautiful thing. Like, maybe it'll be because we don't know basically what I told myself is you don't know and neither does anybody else. And so deciding that it's a negative fucked up like horrible scary thing is just as easy as deciding that it's great because no one knows. And so why not just decide that instead? I love it. I'm not going to push on that at all. Don't push on it. I'm not pushing it. I'm not pushing that at all. Don't push on it. That's beautiful. Yeah. I'm not pushing. Now, do I know that death can be painful? Yes, of course. Am I hoping that mine is not one of those? Yes, of course. Ideally, I die in my sleep when I am 78 in your sleep. Yeah. I want to die slowly. I thought about this. I wanted I slowly and I want to be awake. I want to see it coming. Yeah. And I want it to be an, an agonizing slow thing. Why agonizing? Because I would be for a second. Sorry. It doesn't need like that. Agony isn't an important part of it, but if the agony is, if being awake means it's agonizing, that's a cost I'm willing to accept. That's what I mean. I don't want it to be agonizing. I would rather be awake in an, in an agonizing sleep in peace. I understand you now. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Because I want to process it as it's happening. Yeah. I don't want it to, I mean, you saw Soprano's, of course, the spoiler or the earthy end. Yeah. Can I say it? Of course. So obviously we probably, he probably, he dies and it's just, you know, that's it. Probably. That's what I don't, I don't want to be shot in the back of it, the head of in a diner. Yeah. I don't want that. I don't think he will be. I don't think I will be either. I very highly doubt you get shot in the back of the head in a diner. I mean, the call of Cauchy put on a bet. I think that the, the, the thing that reinvigorated my fear of death as a lathe, I, as an adult. This is, I was an adult this whole time. I've been an adult. I've been an adult for a little while. Hey, look, there's no way around it. I've been an adult. Well, I finally became an adult two years ago. Yeah. I have, do you know what vaso vagal syncopias? Have you heard of this? No. So it's, basically you just faint sometimes. So I have vaso vagal syncopy and I was fainting and they didn't know why. And so they did this thing called a tilt table test. If you, do you know what that is? No. Well, it's very counterintuitive. They put you on a table and they tilt it. Yeah. That's the test. Fuck. But what happens is if you, if you have this, this pre-condition, like your body is the way my body is, at that angle, you pass out. If you don't have the thing I have, you don't pass out. So the test is, they put you at that angle and they just like, now we're going to let you be at that angle for a while. And if you pass out, then we'll know that you have that. And you pass out. And I passed out. How long did it take, do you know? I know exactly. Well, I think I know exactly. I like, because they tilted me up and they were like, okay, so now to sort of like sit here and I was like, and first of all, I was like, this is kind of nice. I love this kind of medical test. I was just like, just like lay here. And then they said, do you feel anything? And I said, no, I don't, I don't think so. And they said, you don't feel any light headedness at all. And I went, no, I feel totally, and then I was gone. And then they revived me something like 90 seconds later or something revived. Revived. Well, I think it was, I think it was. I think it was a professor. They have to lower the table and do something to, I mean, I had like, you know, like cables stuff connected. Yeah. But I remember as soon as that happened, I came back, I just remember thinking, okay, I do think that is what dying feels like minus the return. Yeah. And that's horrifying to me. That I could be talking and also like, no, I feel, and then it's just, yeah, I think that that's, that's terrifying. It totally sucks. Look, I'm not pro death. And I'm not pushing on your belief at all. You can push on. I'm not pushing. I'm actually deciding the time you've talked. I'm open to it being pushed on. I don't, because I really want to do this as I'm curious what you would possibly push on. Me saying, deciding the death is bad or deciding the death is good is the same thing because no one knows. Feels pretty objectively true to me. So I'm like, what, how would he push? I'm open to the push. You know, I'm not pushing. Push. You have five seconds to push. Five seconds to push. Push. I don't think that, I just don't think that we know so I think deciding it's good or bad, neither of those makes sense, but I do think that if it's, oh, yeah, that's good. I like this push. Keep going. Yeah, yeah. No, no, that is the push. But I'm not pushing at all. Yeah. No, but I like that as a push. That's, that's fine with me. I was worried that you would say something that would scare me and I was prepared to cut you off. Just because I live in a very delicate space. I'm not pushing. No, no, that's why I don't want to make anyone feel worse. So what do you think? You think it's not good or bad. You think it's just facts. I think it's just the absence of experience, which is literally not good or bad. It's, it's the absence of, I mean, I think it isn't just the, you wanted to talk about Montagne today, right? Isn't that what you said you wanted me to bring up? Yeah, it's bad. Montagne, but I came in and you said you have to bring up Montagne. You must discuss Montagne. But you have to talk about 16th century writer Montagne. You really need to talk about Montagne. I think Montagne is the one who said it doesn't make sense to be afraid of death because you and death will never meet because if you're here, then death's not, and if death's here, then you're not. And I think that makes sense. Like I agree with that. But it's not as comforting. I think he was comforted by that fact. I don't think I'm I'm comforted by that. - Right, clearly not. - Why, because I'm terrified of death and think about it for a year. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think, okay. - Okay, fuck. - Yes, that's your interpretation. - I, yeah, I don't know, I feel, I hope that something happens afterwards. I think it would be pretty cool if there was some way that our souls or spirits lived on. It is tough to think about this whole thing as pretty much for nothing. - Yeah. - But, say, lovey, what are you gonna do? - I would love, the moment, the moment you die and wake up, that moment would be the best feeling imaginable. - Dying and going back. - Just the moment you're like, I'm dead and then when you wake up, whatever it is, I don't know, whatever comes after. If you, just the moment you realize something it does come after, you for it. - Oh my god, I'm not that bad. - I mean, that's for a moment, but for a moment, before you realize it's bad, you're just like, oh, fuck, I can't get more. - And then it's bad. - And then it's bad. And you're like, well, damn. - Fuck, I wish it had been nothing. Yeah, I don't think bad. I don't think bad. That doesn't make any sense to me. - No bad. - No bad. Maybe good. - Maybe good. - Are you getting stressed out talking about this? - No, I was thinking about it the whole time anyways. So now that you're back. (laughing) - Yeah, I used to think about it in such a scary way. Maybe it's scary to me. It's sad to me. People, and also the world just does not stop. Yeah, the world does not stop. That's so crazy to me. I actually, there was a, the day that Dalai Parton died, obviously a horrific day in my life that will stand in my memory forever. There was a guy right when the news broke. There was a guy coming over to my hotel to hook up. And he messaged me when he got there. The news broke like while he was on the drive over. And he sent me a voice note. It was really sweet, but it really made me laugh. And he was like, hey, I'm outside. I did see the news about Dalai. I know she's really important to you. If you need me to not come up, or if you need me to, I'd kill some time. So you had, can process, totally cool. And I was like, that is really sweet. And maybe I should need that. But I ultimately do want him to come up and we should have sex now. But I was like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to have sex with this guy and then go on about my day. I feel like that would make me want to have sex with someone more. Of course, if you've just indicated that, oh, no, but I mean to express. Oh, yeah. But you got to do it for Dalai. Oh, I got to fuck about it. The day Dalai Parton died, I had sex 60. Have gay sex for Dalai. No, but just having someone show that they know you, they know what you care about. They're trying to create a space that you feel supported in. Yeah, we have really hot stuff. It appeared this moment. It was really hot. And the sex, I think, definitely was better because of it. Wow. Yeah, it was really hot. Shout it to that guy. What up, brother? I know he listens. I hope he listens. He has listened in the past. I hope he's listening now. I hope he's listening to this. He probably can be listening. But he didn't listen when he saw the thumbnail. Yeah, well, that is possible, actually. He's one of the people I was thinking of. Really? He's someone that I think would skip after-- Do you see like a noticeable decline? Like, because you can see viewership. Is this a measurable thing? Or it's like, if Gondelman's on or like, I'm on, or something, is it like-- I chance we do get a dip with straight guys, don't we? I have a small one. [LAUGHTER] Chance trying to head. But what Langston and David's episode is a one. It's like beat a bunch of other-- Oh, it's beating in the timeline, like the top 10s or the whatever, whatever. What do you mean is a one? So on YouTube, there's an analytic where you can see one out of 10 where a video is performing compared to the last 10. Yes. OK, yeah. It's a six. Got it. That's cool. One is good. One is a number that excites people like Chance. OK, in that case, congratulations. My quant. That excites my quant. That excites my numbers, man. Yeah, that's because David and Langston are-- I think it's a two fur thing. And I think it's also because I don't know that either of them-- sorry, David and Langston. I don't know if this will offend. I don't know that either of them are thumbnail straight. Oh, I see. Like, if you know them, you know that they're straight. And they both have beautiful wives and et cetera. I don't know if they're thumbnail straight. You say they might be thumbnail straight. And you're sure that I'm thumbnail straight. You might be thumbnail straight. Yeah. Congratulations, by the way. A lot of people would kill. A lot of gay guys would kill. To be thumbnail straight. Gay guys want to be-- Why would gay guys want to be thumbnail straight? Gay guys want to be straight presenting more than they want almost anything. Really? They accuse me of it all the time just because I like football and dress like shit. That's not me trying to be straight. That's just my reality. [LAUGHTER] Like, oh, so we're a mask fishing. I'm like, no, I'm just a little boring and from Missouri. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Funny. I don't know that. Yeah, but I think you might have thumbnail straight. And that can be a huge honor in many communities. I wouldn't consider it or not. I feel neutral on that. No, yeah. I can understand why you wouldn't consider it or not. You're a good guy. You're a good guy, so that's not the kind of thing you'd get excited about. Oh, these are the fun nails? See, they both come off a little fruity in that thumbnail. You know who looks thumbnail straight? It's Trixie Mattel. [LAUGHTER] Wait, Trixie Mattel, this is great. Hold on. Try to do it. Use that-- [LAUGHTER] Same color shirt, too. Please capture that for the thumbnail. I want to get Trixie's overflow. Yeah. Because someone's like, I missed the Trixie Mattel episode, and then they're just scrolling through and quickly see that. Trixie, that one? Trixie, yeah. Fuck, that is so fucking funny. Wait, what is so true to you? Oh, my so true. Yeah. So true is-- And the fact that you have one put you in the league of your own, by the way? Really? No one respects this show. No one comes on here prepared for anything. That's so funny. I really agonized over this, which is going to make it even funnier when the one I say is not that exciting. I came up with several because I wasn't sure-- I've listened to a lot, but not all. Yeah. And I was like, well, what if I say one that's already been said? Oh, that's-- So I have won this kind of a basic-- this is a basic so true. Tell me. But if someone's already said it, you guys say this is-- move on, and I'll give you the other one. I doubt that I would remember, but if I do, I'll tell you-- really? Well, if anyone remembers-- OK. What's so true to me-- they might-- No, they won't. What's so true to me is that everyone should call out sick if they're even a little sick forever, stop showing up if you're sick at all. Ideally, yes. I think it's a great idea. Ideally, yes. I think it's a beautiful idea. OK. People will abuse. That's a cost I'd rather bear than the cost of them showing up sick. Really? You, of course. What is the scenario where you would-- Wait, push. Now you're pushing. I'm just listening. I love being around people. Staying home to me is the worst thing that ever happens to me. Really? Staying home is a punishment from the devil to me. So you go places when you're sick, then? No. I would never. I would never. That's fucked up. I just think that when people walk into the office and heroically declare I'm sick, but I came in anyways, that's not-- Oh, no, that's what you think it is, yeah. I'm thinking of social situations. Yo, you know, oh my god, is social situations? If I-- So the specific language call in is something I should have tuned into. And you're saying, specifically work. Do not go to work. I also-- Oh, fuck that job, stay at home. I also believe in social situations. Oh, you lost me again. I know. And I actually, the funny thing is, I could have had a win. And I was like, no, no, no. You were about to really have me. No, no, no. You think I should never go to a social situation if I'm a little bit sick? I think if you're a little bit sick, just take the out. I think that it's like, I've had the experience of hugging someone and then I'm saying, I'm a little sick. And I'm like, why did we just hug that? I think at bare minimum, if you're feeling sick-- When you were a Victorian child, you can't hug someone who's a little sick. What do you have? I just think that you're putting everyone at risk. It's not worth-- It's having a sniffle? Yes. It does. If you're immunocompromised, if you told me that you were immunocompromised, and then I wouldn't come around you sick, obviously. But I'm like, the issue I have with this is, what is the line? A tiny sniffle, a little scratch in the throat? What are we talking about? I think that's obviously a great question. Yes. And we all have to find our own line. My line is-- Well, we're already we're already we're finding our own line. Huh? We're already finding our own line. Right, and I'm advocating for the adoption of mine. I understand. Right, OK, so you want your line to be the thing? I think it is, if you are-- Obviously, if you have a fever or something, that's just like hard-known. I'll agree with you on that. But if you have a fever, if you're coughing up loud, I think you say home? Yeah. If you're beating out of your eyes, I think you say home? Yeah, if any of your appendages are falling off. I would say say home and that. Stay home, yeah. No, I think-- but I also think that you just know. Like, you know when you're getting-- if you're getting sick and you're like, this is going to be bad, like tomorrow, say home. You don't always know, though. I think you-- well-- So let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, because I'm not against your rule. I'm really interested in learning about your culture and your view of the world. Let me ask you this. It's Tuesday night. You're meant to go to a really fun hangout with a bunch of friends you haven't seen in a long time and probably won't get to see any time soon. Sure. OK, that afternoon, you go for a run. And it's in the park. And you feel like there's a lot of like pollen and stuff in the air. Allergy? Yes. But no, no, you don't know. You're like, I don't know if this is allergies or if tomorrow I'm going to wake up and realize that I'm actually getting sick. Do you go out that night or no? OK, so this is a really good question, because one of my best friends, Steve Waltean, has horrible allergies and constantly sniffling and has to say to me, it's allergies, because he knows that he knows my-- Hug me, stop being weird. Yes, it keeps hugging me. But I think allergies are definitely-- I'm just going to own it. Allergies are the trickiest part of adopting ideas. Of your idea, it definitely is the hardest part. So what do you do? So say that I had that day. Sure. I'm not sure if I got a little messed up from my run in the park that I'm definitely doing. Or if I'm going to wake up pretty sick tomorrow, what do you have me do? Do I have to go out? What I'm doing is airing on the side of caution. You're staying in? I'm staying in. I wouldn't. Well, I know you would. For a guy who fears death, you're not acting like today might be the last one. But I'm acting like I don't want to speed up the death of my-- Yeah, I guess if you're hanging out with a bunch of people who would die for things-- All of my friends are-- Yeah. I don't know, man. I hear you and I get it and I'm like, maybe you wear masks to the hang or whatever. But at that point, you're not having fun. They're not having fun. You're like every time you talk, they're like, "What?" I want to go. I want to go, and it's probably from the park. A very fun thing would be as if you were sick right now. And this whole time, you're just trying to-- You're actually catching me one of the only days this year I'm not sick. Well, last time I saw you, you were sick. What? You had, um. Why don't you blow up your spot? Did I strap? Yeah. Oh, I've had to strap a million times. I thought-- Oh, I didn't want it to be like-- Get us off! I was on contagious, though. No, I know. You said that. Yeah. Every time I get strapped, I stay home until I'm on contagious, because I'm a good guy. And I follow your rules. But no, I have gotten strapped so many times this year that I have to get a ton select, me later this month. You're going to take my tonsils up. He was not excited to tell me. He was really-- He was really-- He was really-- He was really-- He was like, "You have the biggest tonsils I have seen." Wow. That is kind of cool. How big are they? How big should they be? I can't show you after what I did earlier on camera, but I'll show you later. I'll show you later. I'll show you later on. I'm like, "How are they?" Yeah, and I'll show you later on. How big are they supposed to be? Not as big as mine are. Mine touch. Mine like collide in the middle. Wow. They're called kissing tonsils. Oh, so are you going to feel a physical difference once they're gone? Sure, I am. A big one. I'm going to be in a lot of pain for a couple weeks. This is like ice cream only situation. Well, I've learned-- So that was supposed to be the promise. Was that you're going to go out to eat ice cream all the time. But now I've learned you're not really supposed to do that because dairy creates a film in the back of the throat. What are you supposed to do? You're supposed to drink lukewarm broth and eat mashed potatoes. Oh, that's kind of like ice cream. Not a lot. And it's going to be horrible. I literally told my therapist today. I was-- I'm like dreading it because I don't think I should ever have to be in pain. That is-- you know, that's what I'm talking about. It's horrible. But I feel really lucky, too. Is this your first surgery? Second. Second. I had knee surgery from football in high school. Oh, repair or replace? The cartilage in my knee were off and my bones were snapping off against each other on the end. So they put in fake cartilage. Kind of cool. Damn. You can still feel my knee click. I'll show you later. Wow. That's kind of cool. That's cool. But yeah, I'm scared of my tonsillectomy. My doctor made it. You know what happened? The surgeon-- he's really fucking cool for doing this. I basically found this surgeon who is really highly rated in Kansas City. And I was like, hey, I called. And I was like, well, my mom called because she knew the nurse. And then I-- they got me the number and then I called. And I said, hey, I have like a crazy work life. I need the surgery to be this specific day. Like, it has to be this day so that I can not cancel anything basically, except for this one indie movie I was going to do. I'm really sad about. But he was like, okay, we'll do it. We can do it then. So he's like, is doing it on this day for me. So I really like him going into our consultation appointment. Then I'm in there and I go, is it going to be as bad as everyone says? And he goes, you know, like everyone pulls it way out of proportion. It is a tough surgery, but like, it's going to be totally fine. You won't even-- I told him I don't want to take oxy because I'm really scared of pills. Yeah. And he was like, you won't need to. Like, we'll send you home with some in case. But like, you're going to be fine on like Advil and stuff. And I was like, cool, cool, cool. He left the room. I turned to the nurse. I go, he was lying to me, wasn't he? It's really bad. She like shuts the door. She goes, it's pretty bad. Also, never let that nurse out. What a beautiful person I have in your life. I love her. Honest nurse. I love her. The close the door. Yeah. Like, it's pretty bad. Yeah, she's like, it's pretty tough. That's amazing. Yeah. And then she said everything that he said too. She was like, we put stem cells in now in the site and that helps a lot. Like, she's like, it's gotten way better, but you're going to have a tough time. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good, girl. Did you, did you, uh, well, I guess wait. Well, your high school surgery was a long time ago. Do you remember how bad that was? That I didn't take pain pills for that either. That was pretty bad, but I don't think it was so. So I was 15. I felt I remember. Body's just bounce. One time I felt on it. I felt on it after surgery. I was like trying to hop up the stairs to go get water or something. And I felt directly on my knee that I had had surgery on. And I, I don't think I've ever, that's probably the most pain I've ever been in my entire life. It was really, really, really bad. And then my mom was like, why the fuck didn't you ask me to bring you water? We might have to take you back to the hospital now. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. Because you want water. You want to be independent. I totally get it. Hello. I remember crying after, because I had a shoulder, um, terror. Actually, my surgeon, this is one of my favorite things that doctors ever told me. Yeah. He was like, so it's, uh, there's, you know, we need to do surgery to repair it. Um, he said, but we're, what we're going to do. And he was like, so he was like, so what we could do is, is, um, like reconnect the laborers. I mean, he's like, or we could do a laparoscopic thing where we do like three holes. And then we move the tendon of your bicep down. And I was like, oh, he's like, it's called a bicep tendonesis. And I was like, oh, okay. Uh, yeah, I guess we could do that. He's like, I think it's a lot better. I was like, oh, okay. And he went, actually, I kind of pioneered the procedure. And I was like, let's go. Well, by reaction was, I love that. I love that. Well, yes, you are the person who made it to like do it. You're like, you're going to do the best job. But I was like, how many of you done? Like am I like, am I like the first person? You're like, finally. He's like, I can do better. Yeah. Uh, obviously it's fine. Damn. Falls off. But yeah, obviously it's fine. My guy, I was hoping, my guy, I asked him, like, there's different kinds of tons of like to me as you can get. And I tried at every stage to get him to agree to the one that I thought was going to be less pain. And he was like, he was like, you don't know what you're talking about. And you have the largest tons. He was like, your tonsils are huge. They need to come entirely out. I was like, what about the kind where you leave a little bit in? So he goes, it's going to be the same amount of pain. And if I leave them in, they can grow back. And then you'll come back and do it again. And I said, what are the chances it grows about? He goes, Caleb. [laughter] He goes, let's take him out. I'm going to cut your out. I'm going to cut you off right there. Yeah. Shout out to him, I guess. Damn, that's crazy. How many surgeries have you had? Just the one? I had a appendicitis also when I was in college. What? Yeah. I thought I was working at a job. I should can kill you. Yeah, I can. Mine hadn't burst, though. But it burst is when it gets real bad. Mine was huge. But the way I found out was I was working at a company moving cabinets out of apartments. And I was like, just really, I was like, man, I'm so hungry. And so then I went and got a bagel. And I ate the bagel. I was like, damn, I'm still hungry. I just feel so hungry. And that happened like three times, right? Like four bagels. And it turned out the feeling of hunger that I, it was my appendix said, gotten huge. Yeah. That's really interesting. If that, it worked. No, it's not. No, it is because I'm sitting here going, if we're counting on me to know that something's wrong with me by how often I eat something and I'm still hungry, we're never finding. [laughter] That's never going to be a thing. I'm going to have the four bagels and be like, I guess it's a five bagel day. I don't know. Like, we're never going to get to the bottom of what's going on in my stomach. Leave the bottle. I heard a flight pilot recently. It was like a thing on Instagram. He had to turn the flight back because his appendix burst while he was in the air. And like, over that, you can hear him being like, we're turning back for a medical emergency. The person with the medical emergency is me. I'll give us to the gate. And then I need to go, I think immediately to the hospital. He's like in so much pain. And you can hear it in his voice and I was listening to this. And I was listening to this and I was like, could you fucking imagine flying a plane and being like, I think I'm dying right now. Wait, isn't that why you have a copilot? Sure. The passengers would have been fine, but I'm like, he had to be so scared. That would have been, oh my god. Yeah. You have to copilot. I guess that's like what, like, parent energy. Where it's like, this is an emergency, but I'm still the adult in the room. I need to put on a, you know, it's like the house is burning down. Yeah. Oh, we're in trouble. Yeah, exactly. This is my role. Yeah. I cannot let this slip for a second. My authority is real. Don't let me be pilot. No. If I haven't, if my appendix burst, but I'm a pilot, we're, hey, I'm not going out alone. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But I'm not a pilot. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. But I wouldn't do that. Do you know, I think I've listened to three podcasts episodes in my life. Really? I cannot fathom listening to a podcast. I don't know why people do it. Oh, I don't know why they do it. Oh, interesting. I don't, I mean, I do listen to podcasts, but I'm curious. Maybe that's why you're so good at it because you're not steeped in it. I don't know. I don't know if I really am good at it. I'm good at talking. Like I can talk forever. That's what it is. I can sit here with you all day. That's the job. I guess, but I don't know how often it gets. Well, I really let myself off the hook by saying that this isn't a comedy show. So if we ever have an episode where I'm not being funny at all, I go, well, I was never supposed to be. That's my little trick for myself. That's a great hack. I mean, we talked about death. I mean, there's, I mean, we talked about tilt table tests. So this is not a comedy. It's all worth it. It's all worth it. I wanted to hear about the tilt table test. I hate that you have that thing. Will they cure it or no? They are. And curable. You're going to pass out a bunch? Oh, that would be such a fun. If this episode ended with me passing out, that would just be a nice like. If it was like life as a hero. Like I just pass out. Yeah. So you just pass out for the rest of your life. They can't do anything after they put you on their own. I drink salt every day and stuff. Like I'm like mitigating, but I could pass out. Are you doing salt? You're doing that too. How so? What do you mean you put it in water and drink it down? Yeah, drink it down. Really? You can't just get it from food or something? As you can. My doctor, actually, my doctor said, you can salt your food as much as you want. You can't have too much. Wow. Isn't that beautiful? That's an awesome thing to hear. Yeah. A different doctor. I'd like to go to that doctor. No, it's great. He's like in like one of the bathrooms at Penn Station. Yeah. You just got a third stall. He's great. Tap three times. Super nice. He doesn't take insurance, but it's cheap. I went to an ENT in New York about my tonsils before I found this guy in Kansas City. And when I went, she was like, the building was ugly and dirty. And the hot. Sorry. Sorry, Michelle. did find this person for me. And I don't know where she found them. I was like, hey, can you please find me an ENT? Like, I need to go in. She found this place. She sent me to somewhere that was like, it was really gross. And it was in a not a part of town that I really wanted to be at a doctor. And it just was like, the building didn't make any sense. And no one like, there was no door person. The elevator was disgusting. The there was like an Amazon coat rack in the lobby that was like so broken that I was like, why wouldn't they just take it down? - Yeah. - The whole thing was scary. I went into her like, disgusting little office. And she went to my tonsils for two seconds. She was like, I can take this out for you when you want to do it. And the way she said it, I was like, I can never get surgery from this person. - I could do it right now. - Yeah, yeah, she's like, you want those things out? Like, I was scared of this. - It was scary, dude. - Wow. - And the office was gross and we were in the like, tumbleweeds and shit, basically. - That is, New York doctors offices are different, we're both from the Midwest. - Yeah. - Consider Kansas City the Midwest. - Sure it is. Midwest doctors are like the offices themselves. They just feel different. You go to New York and it is like, this is a residential apartment building. I'm going up to like the nice floor and then like falling down the stairs and that's the, and it's like in NYU, like offsite location. - Yeah. - Do you want to hear the scariest thing your doctor ever told me? - I think so. - Okay, so I went to a cardiologist and I said, because I have, there's a history of sudden cardiac deaths in my family. And I was like, you know what, I'm getting, like not old, but like I'm getting older. Like let's just preempt everything. - Yeah. - And so I went to this cardiologist and I, and I, we talked about things he could do and then he said, well let me ask you this, what are you worried about? And I said, you're, this is going to shock you. I said, dying suddenly. And he said, dying suddenly. And I said, yeah. And he said, well you don't need to worry about that. And then he said, you're just returning to him. And I was like, oh. - It's not what you want your heart doctor to feel. - I know. I was like, this is, I was like, for the purpose of this experience. Let's say that's something I am worried about. - Right. - And he was like, okay. And then we kept talking for a little while. - I was just returning to him. - He did end up recommending a book to me that has Jesus in the title. I don't remember what he said next, but it made me feel like I had to ask the question, do you believe in evolution? (laughing) And I don't remember what he said, but that was what I felt like I had to say next. - Yeah. - The answer was, I believe in micro evolution. (laughing) - You can't be my heart doctor. - That was the last time I saw him. - That's fucking crazy. - A really sad thing is like, I think fully super sweet guy had a great time talking to him. - Yeah. - Like no shade to him if he's listening. (laughing) - He listens to him. - By the way, you asked me if I worry about things I said, but this is what I'm gonna worry about. Is that he's gonna hear this and be like, I thought we had a really nice connection with that. - No, we can totally be like friendly, but you can't be my heart doctor. - That was exactly your interest in returning me to him. - It was the same doctor's office when I came in. The woman at the front desk said, what sign are you? And I said, Pisces, and she said, I thought so. I was like, you have my breath. - I don't know like everyone. (laughing) I thought I did that math, right? March, got it. That was like, I was like everyone here. Like all of these things are totally cool beliefs to have. I don't want my medical professionals to be thinking about my astrological sign or like the Christian afterlife. Like I just like, in this setting, we're gonna go ahead and be like. - Keep it to yourself. - In this house, we believe science. (laughing) - In this house, we hate when your heart stops. We don't care about your astrological sign. - Yeah, but again, very lovely people, no problem with this people. - I think they should all have their licenses taken away. (laughing) That is so scary. To say you're gonna return to him. - Return to him. And that's also sort of like euphemistically 'cause like you returned to him. I had to be like, I think I know what that means, but it can't be that. - Sure. - And then he had to clarify. - It's horrifying. - You wanna play a game? - Oh, I love the game. - Okay. I like that. You're gonna play the game. - Who, what's the percentage of success though? It's low, right? - Uh-uh. - Yeah. - You put these together? - You know what's interesting? Chance told me there's a guy. I don't know that it's a guy. Chance told me there's a person on a Reddit who does like analysis of all the so-truths. Like how many times a person's gotten seven right? How many times a question's been asked about the ocean? Or like they run like data about the so-truths. - Wow. - Isn't that interesting? - Yes. - I like that person. Shout out to them whoever they are. You'll never see me on there, but I really love that you're doing that workout there. You ready? - Yeah. - I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. And if you get ten or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. - Really? - Rachel Ray was born in Ireland. - Incorrect. - False, New York. The Rose Bowl opened in 19-- - I'm sorry, I said incorrect. Obviously this is true false. - That was insane. - It's okay, I was with it the whole time. - Do you say a career cast of a false? - There you go. - Okay. - And it was false, it was New York. The Rose Bowl opened in 1922. - False. - True. Francis motto is Liberty Equality Fraternity. - True. - True. - The Simpsons has run for 41 seasons. - True. - False, 37. - Come on. - Madison West High School's mascot is Reggie the Regent. - Who? - Oh, true. - True. Scorpions can hold their breath for-- (laughing) Everybody always likes that. - Oh, in my high School. - Uh, Scorpions can hold their breath for six days. - False. - True. - What? - There are no Olive Garden restaurants in India. - False. - Incorrect. (laughing) - False, there's one. The main character in the book holds his name is Stanley. - False. - True. - Really? - Stanley Yelnats. - Yelnats? - Yelnats, Stanley backwards. Have you seen the movie? - No. - All right. Yelnats. - Close. The moon is gradually drifting closer to the Earth. - False. - False, skirting further. - Uh, Orange University Athletics compete in the NCAA's division two. - False. - False division three. - The capital of Montana is Helena. - False. - True. - Damn it. - The chemical symbol. - Never the most famous one. The capital's never the most famous place. It's one of the ones you don't think about. - The chemical symbol for silver is SV. - False. - False, it's AG. - Emu's are native to South America. - False. - False, Australia. The Blackberry Curve is older than the Blackberry Pearl. - True. - False. - I thought so. (laughing) One more, Elliott Bay Book Company moved from its original location in 2008. - True. - False 2010. - Oh, come on. (laughing) - You did this? - I did. - How do you do? - Eight. - Oh. - But I just, but some of those were kind of amazing. - He's fucked up. He's a bad guy. He's a bad guy. - When you said Elliott Bay Book Moved, I just knew they moved and then you said the year. I'd already answered. That was on me. - Yeah, the cockiness, really. That's a lesson to be learned. - That is actually, honestly. It is. - Something to take from that. - Slow down. I was doing like. - Relax. - Yeah. - We're never gonna die. - What? - We'll live forever. - Wow, that's awesome. - You ever think about that? - That you might live forever? - I don't think about that. - Oh, no, I don't think. I don't think I would. - I thought there's a chance I could be the first guy. - You think you might be. - I remember the year they were like, the person who's going to live to 200 has already been born. - I don't think that's me. I think I either, I think I either, yeah, I don't even wanna say that. But I think what I can tell you is if there's a guy alive right now who might live forever, I think there's a chance it's me. - But have you seen the Netflix stock on Infinity? - No. - Oh, I actually do believe it's up your alley. For what it's worth. - What happens? - Well, just, I mean, read the moon question. Everything is moving so away. - Yeah. - And faster. So eventually there will be a time when not only is everything so spread out and cold and desolate, even if you traveled at close to the speed of light, you could literally never reach anything else. Because it's so far away and moving faster away. - Sounds good. - This was a lot of fun. (laughing) - We gotta end now. - True, true, true, true. - Thanks for doing it. Do you wanna tell people where they can find you? - Look, you can, I'm at Asher Proman on social media. - True. - And that's true. And I have a podcast, but also with Michael and Asher. - True, true, correct. - True. And I have two books if you wanna pick up my books. - True, true. Hell yeah brother, appreciate you. - Imagine setting your makeup, then forgetting it's even theirs. Gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours, with flexible all day comfy grip. Just clump, dewy hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. - Maybe it's Maybelline.