Armchair Anonymous: Waterparks

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Jack Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman. - Hi. - And today we have crazy stories from the water park. - You think you're gonna get E. coli? You know, that's what you think you're gonna get. - Did anyone get that? Well, there was some kind of a pathogen. - Okay, but there wasn't E. coli. - That was confirmed, yeah. - Yeah. - But anything that could go wrong, does go wrong. In our crazy water park episode, please enjoy. ♪ All times ♪ ♪ Come and go ♪ ♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Take 'em slow ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ I had 'em all ♪ ♪ I've had but one thing ♪ ♪ You gotta know ♪ ♪ I'ma keep 'em shining ♪ - Hello. - Hi. - Hi, Josh. - How are you guys? - Good, we just noticed that on your little Zoom login, you have a still from the claymation or stop motion. I guess it's not claymation, but the stop motion Christmas. - Yes, it's one of my favorite Christmas time movies and clearly I'm behind on updating my profile picture. - Which one is it? Is it Rudolph? - No, so that's Santa Claus is coming to town. - Ah, that's the one that got ya. How do you feel about Rudolph? Is that in the running? - That one's good. You have it out of Santa Claus. - Oh. - Not a big frosty, the snowman guy. - That's a pass for you. You like stop motion. - I do, yes. - Yeah, and where do you live, Josh? - I currently live in Connecticut. - Oh, okay, was our first call from the East Coast today. - Yeah. - That's exciting. Does your story take place on the East Coast? - It does. My story takes place at Lake Cal Pound's amusement park. - Ooh, well really quick. Were you close to New York or far from New York? - I'm pretty much like dead center. - Is ESPN around you? - Yes, actually. ESPN is in the same town as Lake Cal Pound. - Oh, okay, great. I just found my bearings. - That was good. - Thank you. Yeah, it was one time to bore you in New York and we had to do a bunch of press. And then one of the things was like getting the car to six and then I got in, I'm going to ESPN and I think it'll be in Times Square or whatever. Rock Feller Center. - Yeah. - No, three hour car ride. We're going to Mid-State, Connecticut. You don't soon forget that. But what was this theme park? That was the big summer destination. Was it just Water Park or was it everything? - So it's everything. It's actually the oldest, continuously operating amusement park in the country. But yeah, it's really great. It's kind of a quaint place. It's right on a lake. And they have some really awesome roller coasters in the amusement park rides. And then I actually worked in the water park and that's where my story takes place. - Oh, okay, great. I do love how all of us feel so much love and affinity for whatever amusement park we grew up with. So like, of course, if I were mine, I would know that it was the oldest. That would make my claim. Yeah. And I'll tell you like, Oh, Cedar Point has the most roller coasters. (laughing) - The compounds also has one of the best wooden roller coasters in the world. And so I worked at Lake Compounds. My wife also worked at Lake Compounds at the same time. And she was the one that operated that ride. - Oh, okay. - A big response about it. - Yeah. So if you're ever in Connecticut, definitely try to go on Boulder Dash. That's the ride. - Oh, okay. I do love a wooden roller coaster. - Yeah. - That's my favorite. Okay, but alas, you were working there. What grade were you in? - So I had just finished my sophomore year of college. This was a summer job. I was a water park attendant. I was the guy on top of the water slide, helping people go down the slide, making sure they get out okay and sending the next batch. I had nowhere near the responsibility that the life guards had. I was just sending people down the slide. - You're in charge of the gap, too, yeah, I'd imagine. - Yeah, I make it small talk with the gas. There was a lot of fun. - I hate to be a perv, but you're talking to chicks and bikinis and stuff. That's gotta be fun as a young man. - I have a girlfriend operating the wooden roller coaster. - You still see the girls in bikinis even when you have a girlfriend. - It made me realize replaying this story in my head. The water park is like such a vulnerable place for things to go wrong. - Oh, yeah. - You're pretty much naked and things are going wrong. - Yes. - So it adds this whole crazier element. - You're wet in naked. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - And I'm just up there with like a whistle, a man like, okay, next, yeah. It was a beautiful summer day and I was working, but I think it's probably the biggest and the most popular water park ride of the compounds called mammoth falls. And it is a huge green tube. Six people sit in a big yellow raft. The queue line for this ride can be like an hour, two hours long, especially on a busy day. - Whoa. - And when you enter this ride, you kind of walk down a path almost in the woods and then there is a like four or five story tall tower of stairs. You climb all the way to the top to get to the top deck. And so that's where I am. And everything's going smooth. A family of four comes up. It's their turn to get to the raft. And I'm all alone up there. So I'm helping this family. Everything's normal. But then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a little bit of a commotion and it was a woman and an eight year old girl kind of pushing their way up to the top of this deck. In the moment, I didn't really think much of it. And I usually didn't intervene when people were cutting the line unless people around them started to really make a stink about it. But no one was saying anything. They were kind of just letting this happen. So I just ignored it. It was focusing on the family in front of me, getting them ready to go down the slide. Next thing I know, let's say their mother and daughter, they are jumping into the raft. They have made their way to the top. And now they are inserting themselves with this family of four. And again, like I wasn't really thinking much in that moment. And there were two open seats. And I think if it was at capacity, I would have been like, please wait. But there were two open seats and they just jumped in. And I thought maybe they were confused and they can join. Now to try to be really generous to them and make a good argument for them, do you think it's possible that they were operating under the protocol of like a ski chair lift? Or it's like, if you're a single, you know you can get in that single's line. They're like, well, we're not sick. So clearly there's going to be a gap for two. Is that possible or they were just assholes? - Well, it's kind of part of the story. - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Usually it's the stairs. And then right at the top of the stairs, where you enter the top deck, there is kind of a barrier that is set up. So that people aren't just flooding this top deck. 'Cause also at the top deck, there's a pretty large pool with about a foot of water and that's where the raft goes. And then it just filters down the tube. So usually most of the people are all on the stairs. So we really didn't experience people kind of going past that until it was their turn. - Gotcha. - And so I am ready to send this group of six down the slide. And it was almost as like, just as I let go of the raft, I get a better look at the mother and daughter and they were completely covered in vomit. (gasps) - No! - As you really enter the tube, there's like a waterfall that kind of splashes you. And I just remember seeing the vomit splashing off of them and filling the inner part of this raft. - Oh! - It was bad. And then they just disappear into the darkness. They're on their way. And so I start panicking because my first thought is, oh my God, we're gonna have to close down this slide. And the line is long and that's the worst thing to have to do to people is be like, you've waited all this time and now we're shutting down the line. So I quickly go and grab the phone that is at the top of this deck to call down to the lifeguard. I don't know if this is a universal thing, but I lay cow pounds any kind of vomit situation. We called it a rainbow. - Oh, all right. - And so I called down to the lifeguard. I said, hey, we got a rainbow. I don't know what's about to come out of this slide, but we're gonna have to shut down the ride. I'm gonna close the queue line. I'm gonna call the manager. - What is protocol, like what happens when that's flagged? - Usually it's scooping it out. It kind of depends on the severity of the situation. Sometimes it's kind of a temporary pause. Like let's clean it up, make sure it's okay. I remember being told that the raft at the bottom was covered. So that raft had to get pulled. - Pop! - Yeah, we did end up shutting down the ride. But I'm on the phone talking to the lifeguard and I'm kind of looking down. I'm away from the queue line and I get a tap on the shoulder. And I turn around and there is a large gentlemen shirtless standing in front of me. He is covered in vomit. - What the fuck is going on? - This is a horror movie. - He's very distressed. And then I see a few more people start to push their way on this staircase onto the top deck. - What? - With some amount of vomit all over them. - Oh. - What is going on? - I'm panicking. Everyone looks horrified. And I asked the guy, like what happened? What's going on? And all he said was it came from up above. - Yes, it was booting over the side. - Oh. - What happened was this little girl waiting. Whether it was a heat related thing or feeling sick, she pretty much made it to the top of the deck. Felt sick, leaned over, threw up all over everyone below her. - Oh, man, dad surpasses. I've been pooped on by a bird on the Santa Monica promenade. That's rough, but I can't imagine getting hit in the face with vomit from above. - Strangers vomit. - No, no, no, no, no. It helps that it was a little girl. If I got a pick who I'm getting vomited on, I think that's my pick. - Yeah. - And I think for those folks, it was either let me leave this line and go to the bathroom or I'm coming to the top to try to wash myself off. - You get washed off. - That would be my instinct. It's like I need to get in the water now. Was he really covered? Like it sounds like it was a tremendous amount. Pukes he was covered. Oh my first thought was maybe this girl threw up and it got on people next to her But you know he was covered And then of course he wants to jump in the water. Yeah, so I have all these people They're jumping into this little pool with a foot of water First response was to be like you got to get out. It's not safe You're going to fall in the slide, but they didn't care. They were like I need to clear myself off Also, there was vomit in the water already The top of the deck was a mess So I ended up having to clear the whole line shut down the ride. Oh my god Do you think people got free passes for that circumstances like that there would definitely be Some sort of voucher that people can receive you would Yeah, I kind of ruined the trip to the water park to get thrown up on What a wonderful mystery though. The first one's like what's going on here. They're pushing We think something's wrong with that. Yeah, they're bitchy and then also Oh, they've puke so they just want to get down before she putes again. No, still not the right I'm surprised they didn't say like hey, there's a situation. Someone's puking from above Yeah, the mother and daughter when they got in That's what was strange to me too. It's not like they got to the top of the deck and they're like It were really sickly. We need help. I'm getting on the slide and I'm leaving. How I'm going down Fuck decorum. Yeah, yeah, they were the cause of it One of the guests said that they saw the girl throw up over the edge Oh the girl who ran to the deck. Yeah, it was not good And the worst part is that ride is so fine because working in this water park He had a rotation of rides you worked and so once you were done with your like hour block of working on a ride You go to the next one and I would always hop on the raft with a family and like ride it down to go to the next one But that one had to shut down the ride. I had to get a bag of cat litter go down the steps Clean up all the spots that had vomit on it and make my way to the next ride. That slide was probably down for the day Yeah, it was we didn't get that back up and running Yeah, yeah Brody I hate thinking about what goes on in these public environments into Josh's first point They were exposed. They were nude So it was getting all over the skin It wasn't like on their shirt that they could take off On their thighs Yeah Wow, yeah, how long did you work there? I was there for two summers. Did you want to work there forever? No It was just a summer job There's so many stories at this water park. Were there poop incidents the people have unauthorized evacuations? I never actually saw or dealt with that. Oh, that's good. That's encouraging because that's E. coli You know that's me coli scare. That's a mess There would be a few times where that would happen in the pools That's when you really have to drain the whole pool But I never like dealt with that firsthand I went to a water park on the outskirts of Seattle And I was wearing a pair of shorts that I had been wearing way too many summers I was probably my fifth summer in these shorts. So they were my friend Colleen Yeah, they were really kind of thin and we went down when he's really tall like 45 degree angle really fast You know cross your legs type slides and dueling slides We're next to each other and we go down and then we get into the water and then we come out of the water And we're getting the water out of our hair and then we just start walking and then all of a sudden and we walk for a minute And she goes oh my god my entire But cheeks were out. It had ripped the whole back of my fucking shorts off And again, I left all my clothes in the car. I don't want to get a lock or anything So I entered in and just that swimsuit So I had to walk through the park with my hands over my butt crack And go back out to the car and you kind of walk behind me You're pretty self-conscious about your butt crack Yeah, uh-huh So if that happened to me, I can only, I bet there's a ton of swimsuit disasters there Oh all the time Oh, thanks for sharing that. Yeah, thanks, John Of course, do you mind if I bring my wife on to say hi? Yeah, let's talk to her She's the one that got me into the podcast. She was a listener way before me Oh, she's wearing a robot Hi, hi Hello Welcome, welcome, welcome We heard you work the tallest fastest wooden roller coaster That's right, I sure did Yeah, anything exciting happened there I mean people must have come back in all kinds of states of mind Oh, absolutely, we saw a lot of things on that roller coaster Because that was the destination for the park So you got a lot of people who would travel from across the country We'd have roller coaster enthusiasts that would come to ride this particular wooden roller coaster So it was cool. You got to see all different types of people Some having really great days, some not so much because they were very scared Did you get promoted to that position? Like that's like the best position you can have in the park No, that's the first one I had The first in life I think I just got lucky But it was fun because we were working there at the same time and we were dating And so we sometimes would get lunch together or he'd wave at me Oh And then you get PQ I like it Well, it's nice meeting both of you Yes, likewise, thank you guys so much for having us Take care Hey Hi Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you guys Abby, where are you? So I am in Boston right now Ooh Okay, that feels right for you Yeah That would have been on the top three guests for me Yeah, you look Irish to me, are you Irish? Definitely, yes Yeah, definitely Very fucking Irish Yeah, it plays into the story just the tiniest bit Oh, what are you talking about? Okay, well please take us through your water park experience Okay, so well, so first I want to say I was born and raised in Wisconsin So I really hope you guys get some story from Wisconsin Dells Because it is the water park capital of the world And sadly my story is not from there Oh, okay, now we did just talk to someone from Wisconsin But they had pooped their pants That's why we talked about That was different On a tubing trip, did you ever go tubing in Wisconsin? Not in Wisconsin, but lots of good water adventures there Okay, great Wisconsin is what I would have guessed Okay, well you'd be right Oh, it makes sense You should have said that first I know, but I'm just so shy She's so timid and afraid Yeah, I've noticed that about you Okay, so not in Wisconsin, no, this water park story Yes, so my story takes place in Bali Oh Summer of 2019, I just finished my freshman year of college And so I got the opportunity to work in a lab in Singapore With a bunch of other university students It was like the opportunity of a lifetime So I was like, okay, if I'm going to be in Singapore all summer And being paid to be there, like I wanted to travel every single weekend And what kind of lab are we talking about? It was antimicrobial resistance, bacteria kind of lab One of the places that we went to was Bali I did a long weekend girls trip there And it was as fun as you could like possibly imagine Asay bowls every day Walking on the beach, surfing, hiking All the amazing things you imagine about Bali That's what that trip was Was it so hot though? I went one time And I think it is in the top three prettiest places I've ever been in my life But also it's the hottest place I've ever felt in my life Well, so since I'd been living in Singapore For a few months at that time And kind of like acclimated And it feels too bad because Singapore is like 100 and 100% humidity every day So, yeah, it's brutal Yeah, I was at a cruise ship And when we got off the cruise ship to get on the little tender To go over to Bali It was like walking into a blast furnace It was just like, oh my god, this is overwhelming Yeah, that's about right So the first day we went surfing And this is important because I got sunburned Over like my entire backside 50% of my body was completely sunburned For the listener, Abby is very first skin, blonde hair In my defense, I did put on sunscreen But I think I wasn't that good at surfing So I did a lot more like tumbling than riding the waves And I think that maybe contributed to the sunscreen coming off a bit too quickly So then the day that the story takes place We had a driver because that was cheaper than having like a taxi or anything And he suggested this kind of like cool slightly off the beaten path Little water place for us to go to And so we drove through the rice paddies And these like pepper fields and stuff And all of a sudden you are in the Indonesian jungle And it's like so beautiful and green all around And there's this huge gorge that goes through And the gorge is two to three stories high The walls for most parts and this black gray stone So it's just like super cool shady vibe Where like the vines are hanging down onto the rocks And then they basically have it set up as this natural water park Like a fulum like you're going through like carved out a volcanic rock Yeah, exactly and there's like water flowing through Made for Instagram Oh for sure Unfortunately I was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt because I was too sunburned So it's no good Instagram fix that day But it was so fun nonetheless Our guide was super nice and we were walking through And there's some places where the water's like ankle deep And you're kind of just hiking and there's some places where it's like Chess deep and so you're kind of like grabbing onto your friends Pulling them through the current and like climbing over the rocks And some places where the water is like deep enough to climb up the rocks And like jump into the water and like cliff dive kind of Oh this is a heaven It was heaven and our guide was really encouraging us to be brave and jump a good time so I really appreciated that and then the other part that I thought was really cool was that the water inside the gorge was all fresh water and having spent the whole summer in that Southeast Asia region everything is like saltwater and being a Wisconsin girl if I really like that fresh water feeling it just feels nicer on my skin I like it it feels like at home for me so I remember that being distinctly nice about being there yeah yeah I'm a fresh water guy too the the fresh goes yeah I love it so now we fast forward six years oh and this bolly trip and the time at the natural water park are just kind of like a distant fun memory and I think about the water park oh like that was like such a cool little adventure that we went on whatever but so it was 2025 and I was having really bad issues with pretty constant stomach aches like every single day I have a stomach ache I'm curled over I feel so bad I'm going to work pretending everything's fine but it's really not I feel horrible and so I'm seeing my PCP I'm seeing a GI doctor what's a PCP primary care physician oh great so I'm seeing them I'm doing so many blood tests I even got a colon oscopy so kind of crazy that I can relate to your colonoscopy stories at age 26 but so we kind of did everything and eventually we're sort of like grasping for straws in my GI doctor asked me if I'd ever been to Southeast Asia or Africa oh I said I had been but it was like six years ago so probably irrelevant and then she asked if I'd ever been in fresh water there and now I think back to the water park no no and it turns out I for six years it had microscopic parasitic worms in my system also the irony that you were there doing anti-microbial work in Singapore the microbes were like oh you want to fuck with us wait what if the microbes actually got in from the lab it's so gross they literally swim into your skin in the water really so wait today okay I have a lot of questions and you seem perfectly suited to answer them on a biological level do you think the people that live there and interact with that water all the time are they all just infested with these worms are they somehow have some other microbe in their body that's keeping that in check what's going on with those folks yeah so I did some research on it and there's at any given time like 200 million people in the world that actually have this so it's super common but it's not common for a tourist because you're not usually in that type of water but like a lot of the young kids who are like bathing in that water drinking from that water like using that water for different things they're getting this parasite and there's an anti-parasite drug to get rid of it but for me personally I didn't have the early signs that I had the parasite because the early signs are fatigue, rash, and really itchy skin but I had a rash over 50% of my body from my sunburn literally it was so gross all of my skin peeled off within a few weeks because it was so badly sunburned and so I was super super itchy after I'd gotten this sunburn so I had kind of like rashes and I had really itchy skin but it didn't really tip me off that it was something like that I was like well obviously I'm just got a sunburn yeah this to be in the textbook for correlation versus causation definitely so I need to know about the treatment but was your first thought was like okay all the girls on the trip I need to call them and find out if they have this yeah I was actually having like a college reunion with them a few weeks later so it was kind of the perfect opening line conversation starter with them being like just so you know like I've had this parasite for six years oh my god if you think you might have it talk to your doctor did anyone say they were having stomach issues or no no one else said that they ended up getting it but I might have also been more susceptible like with the sunburn because it really hurts your skin barrier so probably wasn't as good with my defenses as they were at that time and what's the name of the actual parasite you had oh I'm going to butcher the pronunciation but it's like chishto schmiases something like that oh shit shit some is exactly and what's the treatment there's pills you take but it's very specific the amount of pill you take too so I had to go to the doctor and get weighed before I got prescribed the pills and I had to take exactly 3.75 pills and so like the pharmacist gave me four and I literally had to like chip off part of one of them and take the exact right amount for my body weight so how long did it take before you felt better and then a really gross question do you pass them are they in your stool can you see them yeah sorry yeah so I got better like pretty much immediately after you take the pills it's like pretty much done within the next day or so which is really nice but yeah you kind of like pass it through your stool and the crazy thing is they can live in you for way longer than six years like it could live in you for up to like three decades what I know it's so crazy so I think I was probably pooping some out over time but they just keep reproducing and stuff like that so I didn't really like know to look for them okay last question just because I'm a little too into the microbiome did the treatment also kill off a lot of your good microbes and did you have to repopulate is there collateral damage in this I didn't have to like do anything I wasn't recommended to do anything and you maybe don't want to know if you're like damaging your microbiome just be happy with the fix that you got yeah like don't worry about the water leak if the roofs on fire situation yeah we gotta get rid of these worms that enter through your skin as soon as you say worms it takes it to another I was preparing myself for a tapeworm story once you said six years later I'm like okay she got some I thought you had Zika oh no thankfully no I don't know but it's in those areas uh-huh scary but you're now healthy as a horse thankfully yeah knock on wood god I'm trying to decide how I move forward I mean heard this story how many other gals were with you in this excursion three other girls so 25% chance yeah and I'm trying to think about still do it go there yes I want to see it sounds so fun was it so fun it was so fun and honestly it seems like based on the number people that get it every year you probably would get it oh my god if you get a rash and you get itchy and it's not from a sunburn yeah then that's like a good tip to like go to your doctor it's worth it I think it's worth the risk guys yeah I'd like to be on record saying I do not recommend doing this well Abby what a story I'm so glad you figured it out and I guess the Irishness did come to play in the sunburn yeah how do you do with anesthetic any wild experiences oh my gosh it honestly is so bad I've had issues with like a gum graft where it wasn't anesthesized enough and post colonoscopy I like threw up everywhere oh no wow so you can it's not good for you but maybe it threw up because worms were in your body we could start looking back and worms could be caused have everything yeah if you didn't file your taxes in 2022 could have been the worms exactly exactly oh wow well Abby is so delightful to meet you thank you well I really appreciate it and I just want to give one quick shout out to my fiance Ethan he is the funniest kindest most handsome amazing cat dad ever oh we love Ethan and exactly one month from today he is going to become my husband yeah yeah after shouting about for that congratulations April showers bring may wedding exactly the same well congratulations and we wish you a ton of luck on this union and he sounds like a babe and I'm happy for you thank you so much all right there's me and you Abby bye hi hi Deedry where are you in the country I'm near Lake Norman in North Carolina okay is that closer to Raleigh or to Charlotte Charlotte and do NASCAR people live on that lake I've heard NASCAR basketball country stores it's place to be I follow a few NASCAR drivers and I see them on their cool boats on the lake and I bet it's that like yeah they have like helicopters on some of the houses around here little plains we just have an SUV okay well that's all one means okay so you have a water park story it's taken me a lot of years to tell it so 2013 we're on family vacation my kids were six and ten they are now 19 and 23 they begged us can we go to a water park it's not my husband and my favorite thing to do but we thought you know what what the hell bot tickets went so we're about halfway through the day it's time to go to the tallest biggest darkest water slide they have and I want to talk about the version of myself at that point in 2013 this is very important I'm thick now but I was an extra extra thick piece of bacon that that's very important okay we climb up the 17 thousand stairs we get to the top there's about five families in front of us and I get instant diarrhea as I look at my husband and I am like I've got to go I've got to go now so I'm go down the stairs this that's kind of like peridogging the whole way he's do not let me shit in this swimsuit we'll ruin the whole day I get to the bathroom we walk in and it is like a watery grave in there they have not taken care of the floor it's crazy so I'm carefully trying to get to the stall but at that time and you may remember this really was in style is these like foam wedge shoes that were kind of like flip flops which I wore my husband of six five I'm five seven kind of always trying to be a little taller I have that on I have a cover up and a full piece bathing suit you guys I get to the stall I lock the door, I'm like, God. - You consider this pulling it to the side 'cause there's what a panic. Like I feel like having to get out of a one piece versus just pull it to the side. - I actually had that thought, and I was like, if I get shit on myself, I will gag, but I can't do it. - Okay, you're sensitive to this whole. - Also, yeah, it does run the risk of it getting more places. - Yeah, and you wanna be clean. So, took it off the down, like, thank God. Did what I needed to do for it. - Yeah, really quick. I do need a little more detail. And for Charlie, do you think all the motion of the day, did you drink some pool water, had you eaten something dicey? Was it a flu? How do we explain this? - I think it was what I chose to eat, mixed with an alcoholic beverage. It doesn't take me a lot, one drink, I'm done. So, it's time to lean in. Now, let's talk about the size, okay? I wanna get a clean wipe, guys. I have a long torso, short arms. So, I am now on my tip toes, leaning forward. Go to get a great wipe, you guys. When I do, I slip, I fall. - No, oh. - Oh, it gets worse. - Yeah, and you're bare naked. - Bare naked, okay, but behind a stall. - There's nothing closer to me in the world than a wet fucking bathroom floor. When you go to a public floor or a campground, it is the worst. - It is disgusting. So, I'm on my knees in a prayer, but my legs are wide open, as the universe would have it. There is a woman walking on the other side of the stall who falls no blood on her back. - No. - Her foot comes up underneath my stall and her toes go into my vagina. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That'd be a wrap on the day for me. I just almost shit my suit. I fell on a wet floor, a stranger's toes went in my vagina. I mean, this is impossible. It is impossible. And so I do what I need to do. I clean up, I get my suit back on. I'm like, I'm not coming out of this stuff. Like I don't want to see her. I need to be like far, far, far away from the bathroom. And all of a sudden I hear, "Ma'am, we're gonna need you to come out, the other party, and you need to fill another incident report." And I was like, "Oh no, I was like, I'm good. I don't need to, yeah, for liability reasons, you need to fill out an incident report." Oh, you're gonna be on record, a paper trail of this? I would I come. I see the lady, basically, I just had sexual relations with. Yeah, what kind of girl was she, what age was she? In her 40s, I would guess. Okay, little older, okay. She had her whole crew there. I was so low. I have to tell my story. She has to tell her story. I finally get out of the bathroom. 30 minutes, my family is waiting for me. What the hell happened? He was like, you look traumatized. I was like, fucking think. I tell him, he dies laughing. But instead of comforting me, he said, "Oh my God, I hope she didn't have athletes feet." Sure, I crossed my mind as a guy. I didn't say it. I'm already concerned about a possible use of that. Yeah, she's about to say UTI. Right, I had him swear to secrecy that day. Do not ever, ever tell this story. I got to talk about three years. And we were out like a cookout on July 4th. And he's old, Tepsy. Yeah, he's like, you do want to tell you a water park story. That was in 2016. And it has been told so many times. I hope the lady who's put when in my vagina hears this and calls you. What could be better? We have one last caller and it's from Madison. It could be. I mean, I hope. Fingers crossed. Toes crossed. Please message me back. We started off on the wrong foot, I guess. And we could have a nice little date or something. That's insane. I don't know how I would recover. Honestly, God, the foot in the vagina to me is so secondary to being on the wet ground, naked in a bathroom. It's mixed in that she was on it. Her feet were in that water. Her feet were on it. What are the chances? Hence the title of, when I wrote in, I was like, I was towed at a water park. But it's like, how does that happen? I have tried to figure out just how in the world the timing-- It might be a glitch in the sand. It does. It sounds like something possible, like a true glitch. A true glitch, yeah. They happened some time. CPU overheated. Sorry, my dad, I'll talk to him about this. Dear kids, were they aware of the story? Not at that age, but as they got older, they did. And it's been repeated. I meet my daughter's adult friends. And they're like, can you please tell the water park story? Well, they owe you. You didn't want to go to the water park. You went and then you got footed. I got towed. Wow. Oh, wow, what a banger. That's fantastic. We thought we were getting water park, and it was an authorized evacuation, slip and fall. Tell us about the time you got a stranger's foot in your vagina. It was the first time I'd ever had a foot in my vagina. Wow. Wow. What if you ended up really liking it? And then it started becoming a king. Oh, man, part two, part two, exactly. Oh, well, it's a delight to meet you. Hey, great to meet you guys. Thanks for having me. You're clearly a lot of fun. I'm happy for your kids. They got clearly a very fun mom. We like to have fun. My husband's not too bad either. Six five. He's got no choice. You can't be a wallflower at six five. You got to own it. He owns it. Monica, your podcast, best dead, best thing ever. I just want to tell you that. I'm so happy you liked it. It was the best thing ever. Thank you for listening. Send our love to your family. All right. Bye. Great meeting you. Great to meet you guys. Hi. Hi, is this Madison? It is. Can you hear me? How did you pick Madison? It's an ode to a good friend and I hope she appreciates it. Oh, that's sweet. Where are you at? I am in Massachusetts. Great. That's our second one today. Oh. Oh, yeah. You wonder if it's the same water park. I wouldn't be surprised. What was the name of this one? This is called Water Wiz on Cape Cod. No. No, that's new. This is novel. Okay. Set the scene for us. What year is it? Walk us through it. This is 2007 and I'm an awkward 15 year old girl, which is really crucial to this story. So I was at Water Wiz near Cape Cod with my best friend and her family. And I was wearing this like cutesy bikini. And in the middle of the water park is this giant black enclosed slide. It's like at least 50 feet tall. It's known for giving notorious wedgies and if you've ever seen the movie grown ups with Adam Sandler, then like you've seen it. Okay. Okay. And this one you're in an entirely enclosed tube, right? And you're flying's turning and then the fiberglass with the seams are cutting your back. All of the above. Are you want to mat? Nope. Straight body down. And there's always like teenage boys, you know, at the bottom looking to sneak a peek of someone's butt cheek because the wedgies are part of the ride. Also people are probably losing their tops occasionally. Absolutely. So some people just take them off in there. Well, maybe. Okay. So I go plummeting down the slide and I get more than just the wedgie I bargained for. I get to the bottom and I immediately know something's wrong because I have this intense pain in the bottom area of my bathing suit and I can barely stand up. Oh, no. Okay. Now, really quick, is the pain in your butt or your vagina? So that's the two-be-determined, so I go to the bathroom and there's like some blood. Oh. Oh. No. Monica's very sensitive of these vagina stories like the woman who fell in the movies and yeah. I know. I think about it all the time. Being 15 is really like a crucial part of this story and I had no idea what was happening just like this general throb and I was like a very inexperienced 15 year old girl at the time so I laughed to my friend and tell her that I popped my cherry. Okay. Sure. Sure. And we're just like convinced because when you're 50 and you hear it can happen like riding a horse or like other things. So I was like, this is my experience. It happened on Pirates Plunge. So I tell nobody except her. This is like our little secret that I popped my cherry on Pirates Plunge at water was. Really quick, Madison. Is the bleeding stopped or did you have to put like a bird's nest of toilet paper in there or were we out with the bleeding? I definitely put some toilet paper in there, but it's not like a heavy bleed at the time. So I tell obviously no one. And days later I can tell that it's definitely my asshole that you popped a different cherry. As a 15 year old girl, I don't just go home and tell my mom like, oh, my butt hurts. Never. I would never. Exactly. So days go by, weeks go by, and I'm an excruciating pain and in the meantime, I'm going to school. I'm dancing. I climbed the statue of Liberty. Oh. Oh. Wait a minute. How does one climb the statue of Liberty? You could. You used to be able to do that. Yeah. There were stairs. So I resorted at this point to only going to the bathroom at my own house because I would literally need to bite on my family's hand towels that were hanging next to the toilet because of how much pain I was in. And would you bleed every time you had a ball movement? Not really, probably like streaky, but like not like heavy. Finally, after like shitting myself. I decide I tell my mom that something is going on. It's the end of November at this point and this had happened in middle of July. - Oh my. - You are a trooper. And also we just need to be able to talk to our moms. - I know. - Since giving birth, I would say this top day. - Imagine the feeling of like acid pee on an open wound. - No. - Absolutely horrible pain. Anyways, my mom ends up bringing me to like my family pediatrician and I at this point won't let anybody like touch me or like do like an internal or external exam. So they tell my mom that it's like most likely a hemorrhoid and after several more weeks of no relief from like this over the counter hemorrhoid cream that they kept saying, oh, it's gonna take time and I'm like, well, don't you think slowly over time it should be like getting better? So at this point, my mom's like sick of hearing that my pain is like a 10 out of 10 and it doesn't help that I'm the middle child who's kind of like has the reputation for being the dramatic one and always looking for a little attention. Like my mom's like, what do you mean it's a 10 out of 10? If that's serious, then we're gonna go to Boston Children's Hospital. So I'm like, okay, we do, we got the referral, we go. And during the first visit in Boston, I met with this really amazing doctor who I would say this was non-consensual, but definitely being a minor, my mom knew what was going down. He told me he was gonna just take a look, but instead he stuck several fingers up my asshole to determine the size of the hole he would be working. - Wow, okay. - So he determined that I had tore about 80% of my tissue from like an emo fisher and had exposed nerve endings. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - They had only seen one injury like this before and it was someone who actually fell off the back of a jet ski and like had like the water pressure like blown into their whole basically. - I interviewed someone that that happened to you, yeah. - Yeah, so I was like the number two situation for one this bad. - Oh. - And what do they do? Do they have to put stitches in their somehow? - Yes, but a week later started what ended up being three surgeries to like have to go in and repair all this damage. - Whoa. - As a result, I had to be on a no-food diet because they had to prevent me from like evacuating to help with the repair process. I literally was a zoo animal with like a sign on the door that said do not feed. - Oh no. - But then I was like, "Hi, chef, only diet." It was awful. - For how long? - I believe like three weeks. - We're getting into Christmas now. - Yeah, oh yeah, we're past Christmas. We're starting second semester of high school where I don't return back for second semester and that's kind of where this story goes. - This is so severe. - Did the doctor theorize on, had the water ripped the inside of your ass or the fabric hadn't gotten up there or anything? - No, it was definitely water pressure day. - It was not like wedgie induced. - Yeah. - You never think that you could get that kind of pressure from a water slip. Wow, okay. - I never returned back after Christmas break for second semester in my sister who was two years older than me at my same high school. Returns back to school and she was told by my parents that she was like sworn to secrecy that she couldn't tell anybody what was going on to protect my privacy. So I don't remember exactly what she would tell people, but she was clearly my sister and I don't know if it was that she told people I don't know what's going on or I can't tell what's going on but like it was obviously sketchy. But it turned into like she's in Boston getting help for something. - Oh, like psychological. - Jesus, you were at a rest facility. - A bit. So then I finally returned back to school three weeks later. I'm down 20 pounds from this liquid only diet and have to now deal with this rumor that the reason I've been out of school is because I was at treatment for an eating disorder. - Oh yeah, now it looks obvious. - Oh, wow. - Are you like, I'd rather it be that. - That's exactly what I was going to say. - The sad part is like the fragility of this situation that it was just easier to go along with that than for anybody to know where I really was for the past three weeks. - Oh. - How's everything now, Ractyl, if we're good? - Great, we've done my childbirth, we've done other things, we've used it, you know, it's working. - And you don't have PTSD when you're doing a number two. - I don't now, but I would say for a while it was hard to trust. - Yeah. - There was no stool softener that would make it soft enough, you know, in the beginning. - Oh boy, that was a doozy. - Before we are done, I need to tell you that I am not a lifelong arm cherry, okay? And a few months ago, my friend Lindsay, who's here with me right now to babysit my two year old while I could come into this fort for 10 minutes, she's here watching him. She, a few months ago, was like, I need you to listen to this podcast because I've been listening to it for the past five years in every single time I listen to it, I need you to go on there and tell the story of your asshole. - Oh, great. - So, in the past four months, I've listened to 80 episodes, like I've become strongly addicted. - Okay, and then a week ago, you post this prompt, what is the chance? - Yeah, we call that sim. - If you listen to the show. - I know, yes. I became a fan just in time, she could not be more proud that this has come full circle. - Oh, I'm so delighted. Nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you, bye, guys. - Take care. - Wow, I'm kind of shocked in this litigious country we live in that they exist. - Yeah, I'm almost happy. It feels like they couldn't even exist here, but yet they do. - Yeah, they do. - Some of these huge places, they figure out how to navigate all the liability. - I think it's you sign a waiver. I bet when you buy the ticket, it's like hard. - If you asshole tears, don't come knocking. - Don't come running to me. - That your asshole's fault, not ours. - Oh, blood. - Yeah, I hate. - When there's, okay, I just really don't like when there's random blood. - Should we do a blood prompt? - No, I'm good. Accidental blood stories. - Tell us about the time there was blood in your time. - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. - All right, love you. - Do you wanna sing a tune or something when you're with theme song? - Oh, okay, great. ♪ We don't have a thing so for this new show ♪ ♪ So here I go, go, go ♪ ♪ We're gonna add some random questions ♪ ♪ And with the help of our cherries ♪ ♪ We'll get some suggestions ♪ ♪ I'm a fire rhyme dish ♪ ♪ On the far-right dish we joy ♪