Armchair Anonymous: Crazy Neighbors II

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to armchair anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hello, today we're going to entertain you with crazy stories of neighbors. We've all been there. I mean, really it seems pretty universal. Doesn't it? I've had a handful of questionable neighbors, but these really these are to be top. Yeah, these are more extreme than I have ever dealt with. Yeah. Oh, that's one of these verbs you're talking about, but I knew I did it. And it was and I couldn't. I was like, "Oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this." Okay. I'm going to do - I didn't. - I couldn't help it. - I don't actually think that was one. - That was from all the claustraman I've been-- - Yeah, that wasn't what I'm talking about. - Oh, okay, that wasn't one of the tick ones. - Yeah. - Okay, please enjoy Crazy Neighbors. ♪ All times, come and go ♪ ♪ Good times, take 'em slow ♪ ♪ My life, I had 'em all ♪ ♪ But one thing, you gotta know ♪ ♪ I'ma keep on shining ♪ - Hi. - Wait, your name is in quotes. Is that mean it's a fake name? - It does. - And is your fake name Kelsey? - My fake name is Kelsey. - We're not even gonna ask you what your real name is. - I'm not gonna ask, but I do wanna know is this a nod to the Kelsey brothers. - Oh shit. - No. - Okay, great, just wanna see what we're dealing with. - Why Kelsey, do you have a friend that you love that's name Kelsey? - No, I can't actually say much 'cause I don't even know how to give it away. I just thought it was a good option. - Great, I'll stop pounding you about it. I just thought it could be a cute thing. - So misty. - Maybe a cute thing. Kelsey, where are you? - I am in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada. - Oh. - What's Thunder Bay? - Thunder Bay is the same place that you guys had a caller in that had the gross shin, melty puddle. - In the restaurant. - In the restaurant. - Oh yeah. - Like kind of a seaside party, Tony vibe. - Yeah, up on Lake Superior. - Oh, you're on Lake Superior. - Right on the northern part there. - Wow, and let's just tell people, Lake Superior is the most beautiful of the Great Lakes. It's the biggest, the deepest, the coldest. - It's superior. - Breezing. - High to summer, what's the temp of that water? - Oh, way too cold for me. The kids will go in 'cause they'll go in anything. - That way too cold. - I couldn't even guess. - And it gets dicey on Superior, like the Edmonds Fitzgerald crash there. Well, you get some high seas, Monica. - Oh my god. - Yeah. - Yes. - Okay, so you have a crazy neighbor story. - I have a very crazy neighbor story. - Oh, wonderful. - Oh yeah, we like a crazy neighbor story. - I know, I was a little bit nervous to tell, but you know what, I'm just gonna put it out there and tell it. So I do have notes just because it was over a few years. - Also, you're an armchair, which means you're smart and organized in a good storyteller and you have your notes. It's very common. - Yes, this all started during COVID. So during COVID, while I was very pregnant with my second son, we bought a house and immediately got warned about the woman next door. Within the first week, my husband and I were like, looking out the window and we saw her lining up rocks. So our yard sort of goes like right against her driveway. So she was lining up rocks along the length of our yard and then started digging up our yard as though she was going to like expand her driveway onto our yard. - Okay, okay. - Interesting. How old is our neighbor friend? - I would put her in her 60s. - Oh, that's sure, sure. - So my husband and I are watching this and he's like, you know what, I'm gonna go out and talk to her. And I'm like, okay, let's just tread lightly. I'm a little bit more of the cool com collected. He can have a shorter fuse when provoked. - Dak Shepherd time. - A little bit, yeah. So we go outside and she immediately screams that I stay back, it's COVID, stay back, it's COVID. And like puts her shirt up over her face to sort of protect her, I guess from us. So my husband asks what she's doing. She tells us that basically our yard is her property and there's a little heated exchange where she ends with telling him to go fuck himself. - Oh wow. - He returned the sentiment and he walked back inside. I'm like very pregnant, waddling behind him. - Can I ask, is this a vacation property or your primary residence? - No, this is like our primary residence. - So you're not living next to an enemy. - So we decided, let's be adults about this. We'll get a survey to like properly determine the property line and we will build a fence because as we know, fences make good neighbors. - Yes, yes. - The survey company came, they marked out the line. Our property actually ended like a foot or two into her driveway. She wasn't home at the time, so they left a card in her mailbox. We just thought, you know, okay, great. It's COVID, so we had to wait a bit for lumber because as you guys know, like things were just crazy during that time, no one could get supplies. And I guess she took it upon herself to call the survey company, threaten them to the point where the survey company actually called me and they said, look, we know your husband's working out of town. We've actually gone on lockdown here because she's making threats to come down here. So we're just suggesting you sort of lock your doors and do the same. - Oh my God. - They're on lockdown at the surveying place. Wow, okay. - Yeah. And so I was home with my three-year-old son at the time. So that was kind of sketchy. Just not really knowing what was going on. So between when we had the survey and when we actually built the fence, there were multiple police calls. We actually had her on video saying, just wait until your kid comes over here again. But she never finished the threat. So the police couldn't do anything about it. - Oh my God. - Yeah, and he was three at the time. Like, he wasn't ever going over there. They would take pictures of my son outside, playing to this day. He turns nine next week and he's still afraid of her. - Well, really quick. Does she have a husband in the max or a partner? - Yes, he never really gets into the dust steps. It's mostly her, but he is around. Every time the police showed up, of course, the whole neighborhood comes out to kind of see what's going on, especially during COVID. We were all looking for cheaper, free entertainment. - Yeah. - You were providing it. - Yeah. She would be out there screaming to everyone about what terrible parents we were because we let our kid roam around. She threatened to call children's aid on us. She called 911 so many times. - Oh my God. This is like that dog. - It is. We ended up being on like a first name basis with the police, my little guy. He thought police were just a normal part of life that they were at everyone's house all the time. - Yeah. - She called Baila to falsely report our dog running at large. So things became really uncomfortable. We had such bad anxiety. We didn't want to go outside. You never knew what you were going to get with her. She would stare at us. So we'll jump forward to this is now like August, 2020. And we finally have the materials to build the fence. My husband's very handy. So him and some buddies, some family, all came over to build this fence. They would not move their vehicles so that we could get in there. They just stood their hands on their hips, staring at us. She called 911, reporting that my husband was standing in the yard with weapons, which was like a drill and a hammer because we were building a fence. - Do you think 911's ever blocked a caller? - I know. - I know. - I'm not taking my phone's calls anymore. It's blocked. - That's what we kept saying. Like what a waste of resources to send all these police all the time. - Oh. - So the police ended up actually just sort of staying at our house the whole day to keep the peace because every time they left, she would call back or we would have to call because she ran into the backyard at one point, it was throwing tree branches over the fence. - Oh my God. - She needs a job. - She needs a mental facility. - She scribbled on a cardboard sign for sale and hung that up in her tree as we were building the fence. She's very clearly not well. - Yeah, unhinged. - So this is where things started to get scary. So around that same time, our dog out of nowhere got really, really sick. Vomiting non-stop lost a ton of weight. We had to take into the emergency vet and they said that his blood work showed that there were toxins but unless we knew what toxin we were looking for, they couldn't actually confirm. So the fence got built with police on standby. - Did you reclaim all that? Did you go into her driveway or did you back off of the driveway? - No, we were nice about it. We just went where the yard line was at the time. We didn't really want to poke too much. So after my second son was born, I don't know if it was because it was COVID and she had nothing better to do maybe but as she backed out her driveway would just blare on her horn. The full minute it took her to back out. - Oh my God. - My room's on that side of the house. The baby's room was on that side of the house. It would be like early, early morning, middle of day, every time she would just blare the horn. - Can I am going to pause for one second? I just want to check in with Monica 'cause Monica and I debate about this all the time. - And she's right, physical violence should never happen. Do you not think this woman just needs to get her ass kicked by another woman? I mean, someone needs to go, you can act this way. I'm not going to allow it now. - I mean, I think verbally, yes, that won't work. - But if that way and what's not, it's not going to deter her. - I just don't know that even physical violence would deter someone like that. I just think she needs help. She need to be put in the hospital, okay? - But I go to office. - Yeah, bye. - I can see in the '80s this going on for three weeks in my neighborhood but I feel like some mom would have punched her and then that might have been the end of it. - Right, yeah, I don't condom it. - Okay, all right, we're not there yet. Okay, just checking in. Just wondered if this rose to the threshold. - Okay, if she looks like it, I'll say yes. - Okay, okay, okay. - I know not the very like friendly Canadian stereotypes. (laughing) So she would like stand in her driveway, watching me put my son on the school bus. She actually called the school bus company trying to get the stop moved because she didn't want it stopping in front of her house. - Oh my God. - She took so many pictures of us, so many videos of my son. - What's the threshold for harassment? Like, can you see somebody if this feels like harassment? - We'll get to that. - Okay, okay, okay. - Yeah, she made all kinds of fake police calls. I think at one point she made a 911 call saying my husband was like revving his sled, his snow machine in the middle of the night or like racing it down the street, something ridiculous. At one point she told the police referring to my husband. She said, "I'm not gonna let some snot-nosed kid "tell me to go fuck myself." Which we've always thought is hilarious because my husband is a tradesman. He's in his 30s, he has a full beard. He's very much not a snot-nosed little kid. So at that point, I think we had about 20 police reports from all of the false complaints in her harassment. But the thing that finally led to her having criminal charges was when she decided to email my husband's employer. My husband drives a work vehicle. His company and everything is blasted all over the side. It's not hard to see who he works for. Police were here for something and I can't remember but they had said to us, they had just talked to her and she was thinking about emailing my husband's boss. So the next day she sent his company an email. She basically laid out that my husband was dangerous, creepy, intimidating. She actually said, "I don't think I could take him "if something like physical was to happen." Which is crazy, my husband's the nicest guy. He would never hurt a fly. But also, yeah, you can't take him. - Right. - That's all so true. - What is that up to? Yeah, you probably can't take a lot of 30-year-old dudes. - Right. - She also attached a bunch of pictures of his work vehicle just parked in the street. Our house, him walking down the street. Thankfully, she was dumb enough to put it in writing because that was the final straw. That's what led to her being charged with two counts of criminal harassment. - Oh, come here. - She dragged the court proceedings out for close to two years. We almost went to trial and she finally pled guilty. Like days before we were supposed to go to trial. - And during the two years where she was about to be on trial, did her antics stop? - No, not as intense, but more of an intimidating. Like, every time we were outside, she would make sure she was outside. The pictures never stopped. She did accuse my husband of being a voyeur one time while we were waiting. She called 911 to say he was peeping in her windows. - You know, I bet when you look at her phone, the nine and the one and the one who are worn out. - Yeah, the fact. - Like on a security pad. - So once you play guilty, what did they say? If you do it again, you could end up in jail. Like, I can't imagine they sent her to jail for this. - No, she didn't go to jail. She had, I think it's called a suspended sentence. So basically, we got like a restraining order. So she couldn't communicate with us or our kids. Couldn't come onto our property. That was the part that bothered me the most. Was the kids? Like, if you want to harass me and my husband, we're adults. - Well, you're not those kids, but yes, I get the point. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - How many years ago was that that the conviction happened? - 2022. - And have you had four years of peace? - I don't know if I would call it peace, but things have certainly calmed down since she was convicted. She still lives next door. - Oh wow. - Oh my God. - You know, you never know. I mean, the only compassion I can find in this is she's very unhappy. - Well, we don't know if she's unhappy. - She is. - Well, she's unwell. But I think sometimes unwell people might not be unhappy. - I think she's so grouchy and easily annoyed and anything that's happening, she feels like it's a personal assault and her fucking fight or flight's probably up and her cord is old or dumb. I mean, I bet she's suffering because of this way she's chosen. - Some people get high on that. - Well, we've heard various stories from the other neighbors streets over saying, oh yeah, 25 years. We've known that woman. She's been like that her whole life. So that's my crazy neighbor's wife. - Wow. - That's a rough one. - That is rough. Luckily, I want to say, I know what it's like to live in that type of area in your neighbors are more relevant in that type of neighborhood. Like, we have that in here. We have someone we can't stand. We don't care. We don't see them. - Yeah, you can open it. - Nothing's gonna happen. - Everyone's in their house in LA. It's fine. But if we live in rural area and we share the yard, it'd be a different scenario. - Yeah. - Especially our summers are so short here, we wanna get outside and be outside as much as we can. But I will say, after so many years of anxiety, something cool has finally come of this experience. So I'm gonna count to this way. - Yay. - Well, I'm glad that there was some silver lining to it. - Exactly. - Well, Kelsey, lovely meeting you. Yeah, thanks for telling us. - Thank you so much. Can I just say a very quick shout out just to everyone who has heard this story for years. All my friends, all my coworkers. And of course, my husband who has gone through all of this with me, we're a great team. And hopefully we don't have any more challenges like this down the road. - We're sending you all the good vibes. - All right, well lovely meeting you. Enjoy this little glimpse of summer coming your way. - Thank you so much, guys. - All right, take care. - Take care. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Hello. - Hello. - Hi. - How are you? - So good, what fake name should we go with? - Well, I was hoping you could maybe assign one to me. - Okay, I'm going with Claire. - Oh, I like that. - Claire's a very friendly name, isn't it? I've known a few Claire's over the years. They're all very friendly. - I've never met a bad Claire. It's hard to find a bad Claire. - Or a bad E-Clair. - That's easier. - Not bad. - Not bad E-Clair's. Claire, where are you? - I am currently in Maine. Ooh, I want to go. - Maine's having a real moment, right? A lot of people moving to Maine? - Yeah, especially after the pandemic, a lot of folks moved up here, including our families. - Yeah, I have a good friend who moved there, lived there for the last five years, just sold his house, and it had tripled in value in the five years he owned it. That doesn't happen. - That's so nice. - Oh, there it looks so idealic. - It's pretty. - Where did you come from? - So we moved here from the Seattle area. - Oh, okay, so all the way across. - Yeah, we like the corners. - Yeah, you like the corners. - You could have also agreed to only live in town's name Portland and still been on the Pacific Northwest. - That's true. - Okay, so your crazy neighbor's story, was it in the Seattle area? - Yes. - Walk us through it, let us hear. - This took place in early September of 2018. At the time, we were living in a very idyllic suburban area. Outside of Seattle, there are some very family-friendly towns. They have a name and they have their own private park. Kids ride their bikes still. It feels very like 1950s. They're just running into each other's houses and stuff like that. And so that's where we were. We had two young kids at the time and tons of families where we lived. The kids were like early elementary school. And my daughter was good friends with two other daughters in the neighborhood. They all hung out together and stuff and our families began to hang out. - What ages? - The youngest being like five and the oldest being eight. I'll give you a couple of names, a couple of the players. So Karen and Heather, Karen's kids and Heather's kids, all of our daughters, they all hung out together. And so Karen and Heather and our family, we would get together for trick-or-treating and Easter eggs and community events and all of those kinds of things. We even went camping together in that summer before. So we knew each other well, but always with tons of kids and husbands and people always around. There was another family, Jennifer's family. She had two boys, but she was like our kid's soccer coach. So we all knew each other. And again, kids all in the same age, going to the same school, same bus stop. And in early September, one of the daughters had a birthday party. Heather and Karen and I, we were hanging out after the birthday party. We were like, "We should do a mom's night out." Like school is back in session. Long summer, let's have a good time. - Yeah. We decided that we're gonna do it the following weekend. And in between time, there was a soccer practice. So I was like, "Hey, why don't we invite Jennifer too?" 'Cause she's cool, friendly, super funny. - And she's the mother of the boys. - She's the mother of the boys. And the other two moms are like, "Yeah, that sounds great." We decided to go to a country western bar with a mechanical bull. - Oh. - The moms are going hard. - Keep in mind, at this point, I'm in my early 40s. So is another mom. Everybody else, late 30s. We are not mechanical bull riding a appropriate age. - Sure, sure, sure. - But it's hilarious and why not? - Yes. And Chip and Dale's is in in fashion in the world. - That's right. And that wasn't really our style anyway. We're like, "Let's just go and make fun of ourselves and have a couple of beers." But in the lead up, we start a group text. And can sense a text of Debra Winger from Urban Cowboy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, well, but in Sissy. - In that movie, Sissy is like, erotically riding the bull. - She's in a white tank top. - It's like, brawless, yeah, it's a lot. - It's a lot. So she sends a gif, gif, whatever you call it, of Debra Winger riding the bull. Now again, this is not really our vibe for the rest of us. So we're like, that's a choice. - We could be funny. - Yeah, we were like, okay, let's go the funny route. So we were like, all right, let's embrace our Debra Winger. So you know, we're gonna have a good time. So I'm the designated driver. The rest of us we all meet up, I take everybody out. Heather is particularly happy. She just got a new job. So she's like happy drunk. We're all just laughing, having a really good time. Heron is a little on the quiet side. We decide to go do the mechanical bowl. Really quick. Had she arrived in an overtly sexy outfit or just normal? Just normal. Okay. All right. We were all just kind of normal trying to get our country on. But that wasn't really our situation either. So I go at first, I comically fall off the mechanical bowl kind of instantly. We're laughing really hard. We're all having a good time. Jennifer goes up. Heather goes up. We all instantly fall off. Heron goes up. And she's been very quiet, very kind of serious this whole time. And she does kind of seductively ride the bowl. A little longer than the rest of us. She's kind of whipping her hair back and forth. Living out of fantasy. We're like, okay, but we're cheering for her. We're like, that wasn't what bus stop moms we were expecting. But we're like, go, Deborah, you know, she gets off and she kind of struts over to us. She's very straight face. We're laughing. We're just enjoying ourselves and making fun of the whole situation. And she's like, yes, my husband is a very happy new. Oh, all right. Oh, wow. Thanks for telling us. Wow. Okay. And she kind of keeps walking back to the table. She's like, says it in passing. Yeah. She throws it away. So she goes back to the table. You know, we carry on. We're having a good time. We're line dancing a couple hours in. And again, Karen's pretty quiet. I come back to the table from line dancing. And it's just Jennifer and Karen at the table. And Jennifer's kind of tyranny. Oh, oh, okay. And Karen is very flat-faced, like flat affect. And Jennifer is immediately like, I'm going to the bathroom. So she goes to the bathroom and Karen follows her. Oh, I have no idea what's going on. I'm fat, I'm unhappy. You're not even drinking, right? Yeah. So I'm like, and we're all grown-ass women. Yeah. You're like, what do you know? I mean, yeah. But Heather immediately is alarmed. And she said, something's wrong. I think Karen is attacking Jennifer. What? Whoa. And I'm like, what are you even talking about? Keep in mind, we had just going camping together the month prior. Like, this was so out of left field. And so Heather's like, you need to go check on them in the bathroom. Okay, hold on one second. Do you have a guess a little bit? I have a guess too. Minimally, she thinks this woman's fucking her husband, right? That's my guess. That's Jennifer's fucking her husband. That's my guess. Look, I'm sexier than you. My husband's very happy. Don't even think about it. Yeah, don't you fucking think about it. You don't want to assault you in a bathroom. Okay. Okay, very insecure. Okay, let's. Okay, but we don't tell us about right. I go in, long story short, they wind up leaving. Karen walks out of the bathroom. Jennifer looks at me and is like, she is a crazy fucking bitch. Oh my God. And this is not how Jennifer talks. And I'm like, what just happened? She's like, I don't want to cause any more drama. She's very territorial with me. She's saying really nasty things about me. She basically just verbally attacked me for the last 10 minutes. And Jennifer's like, I'm catching a noob and I'm leaving. So Jennifer leaves. I come back to the table and I have a lot of experience like deescalating heated situations, both personally and professionally. And so that part of my brain kind of clicks in. And I'm like, I'm going to stay cool and calm and collect. I'm going to leave with some curiosity. I'm really clear about what's mine and what's not mine and clearly whatever's happening with Karen is not mine. So I come back to the table and I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, you know what's going on? She starts talking in this like really cryptic kind of hostile way towards me. And she says, you are such a bully. And you know what? So is your daughter. Oh no. Now it's going to be hard to deescalate. You've brought my child into it. Oh my daughter. She barely turned eight at this point. Everybody that I talk to about her is just like she's the sweetest kind of kid. So I kind of instantly know this has nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with my kid. And if there is something in mine or something in my daughters, some transgression, I'm happy to own it. We get talking and I'm like, tell me more. She's kind of circling around. You know, the only specific thing I can get from her is one time my daughter and Heather's daughter whispered in each other's ear and didn't tell Karen's daughter what they whispered. So a bully. She's a bully. Yeah big bully. So I was like, I see that as a parenting difference. I'm okay with children whispering in each other's ears. She's not deescalating. In fact, she starts then verbally attacking my husband. So I'm all done with this conversation. I'm starting to get triggered. This has gone on too long, but I'm still the designated driver where half hour away. I'm still willing to take you in my car and keep in mind Heather is sitting there the whole time, but she's no longer happy drunk. She is very sad drunk holding on to a beer like this. This was supposed to be a very fun mom's night out. It did not turn out. It sounds more like a trip to Vegas. That's right. I had been texting my husband this whole time because he's like, "How's it going?" And I'm like, "Holy shit. I'm going sideways." So I'm like going once, going twice. Okay, you guys are staying. I'm leaving. I leave. I call my husband. I'm talking to him on the phone, trying to tell him all the crazy things that had happened. I'm just a minute or so out and Heather calls. And I'm like, "Fuck you." I'm not answering your phone call. I don't want any like, "Come on back. We were having fun." You know, I don't want any of that. And I'm like, you chose to stay. So I'm out. I keep talking to my husband. She calls the second time. I ignore her call. A second time. But I tell my husband, "Hey, Heather just called me twice. If she calls the third time, I'm answering." She calls the third time. I pick up the phone. And she says, "She punched me." Oh my god. She punched her? Oh my god. Where this bar was, it's kind of like four wide lanes of highway like car dealerships around, you know, like very industrial kind of place. She had cross the street and was just high-tailing it in a direction on the street. She's like, "Can you come back and pick me up?" So I do. I come back. I pick her up. And she's like covered in beer. Apparently, what happened is I left the bar. Heather, who's been kind of stand by her side this whole time, turns to Karen and says, "It's just the two of us now. What are we going to do?" And Karen punches Heather in the face. Oh my god. Heather drops to the ground. Karen punches her a second time on the ground. Let's remember within an hour of bully allegations, which is spectacular. I think she was just like raging with impotence. I could tell she wanted to get a rise out of me and I wasn't giving her that. And I think she just kind of snapped. But somebody helps Heather up, Heather, walks out of the bar. Karen follows her screaming at her. Heather crosses the four lanes of traffic. And that's when I pick her up. Turns out, in the car, Heather opens up to me and begins telling me that Karen had had a baby a year or so prior. She was postpartum, going through something, had kind of sworn Heather to secrecy, was really worried and paranoid, but had been doing all this emotionally manipulative stuff that is more prevalent in maybe some emotionally abusive relationships. She had also been verbally attacking Heather's daughter and like really seemed to be targeting a lot of hostility towards not just my daughter, but hers. So there was like a long standing pattern that I had no idea about. And Heather was actually reluctant to come out with us that night, but because I didn't know anything, I was just like, it was a month's night. And anyway, that night, Karen reached out to Heather, Heather sent her a text that said, "You fuck off and die. Don't ever talk to me again." And Karen kept texting. Heather filed a police report. A restraining order was issued. I was able to fact check myself because we have a lot of court documents documenting the whole night. And when the police officer came to take the report, he was like, oh my gosh, bus mom, soccer moms. Yeah, fist fight. By the way, in their defense, there was a lot of fist fights at that bar in Urban Cowboy. She like really was living now. I think she even since he got in a fucking girl fight. She really was. Yeah, yeah, she did it. She did it. It was really awkward because Jennifer was still our soccer coach. Karen and I were still on the soccer team. The season had just started. Her and her husband pretended like nothing had happened. Oh boy. I had to send some strongly worded text to everybody saying, oh no, we're not pretending. Karen's accounting of the night because again, a restraining order was issued. And her recounting of the night was that Heather had said, oh, I wonder who you're going to fuck tonight. And also that she had accused Karen of doing sex acts with Jennifer's husband. Okay. Okay. Mixed in it all. So it was a very like dissociated from reality. But the daughters still hung out together. So we had to tell our kids you can't hang out with her daughter anymore because she was so targeting our daughter. Yes, tricky. Yeah. And they would like find each other in different friends houses. And we wanted to protect her mental health status and her daughter's ability to shape friendships. You're making me grateful. I haven't become friends with a lot of the kids parents. Oh, I know. I'm guilty about that, but now I'm feeling like grateful. I know. That's very a mess. It gets all fucking messy. Yeah. There were two big takeaways from it. One was that the Judge said he wouldn't have issued the restraining order had my friend not been so clear and said, do not contact me again. And the other thing was, Jennifer and Heather and I have trauma bonded and we are still in touch. We talk to each other every week. But one of the things that we found when we were all debriefing about some of the weird stuff that had led up to it was that we kept using this word weird. Like, oh, I had this conversation with her and it was kind of weird and this situation happened. And that was kind of weird. And I'm like, you know what, I have a new mantra. Weird equals warning. Not weird. I'll yank of it's weird. Like it's just a delightful weird. Not like Austin weird. Not the way you like to use it. Yeah, that's right, right. Austin weird. That weird is fantastic. But those conversations where you're like trying to justify it and being like, huh? Did we find out if she had fucked anyone's husband or her husband had fucked anyone? No, we don't think any husbands were fucked besides her own. OK, which is very happy. Yeah, she does it well. OK, so there was no weird outside of her own imagination probably. Well, it's only she was kind of like-- Yeah, she had some psychosis. Yeah. Did she have a period where she was infatuated with you? You know, she did send me kind of a cryptic text that was like, I so admire you and the strength you have. Do you think she has boredom? And then she thinks everyone's out to a getter. It's to the point where you're willing to punch someone. Yeah. I mean, you've really convinced yourself for some trying to harm people. We are. And you're not supposed to do that. But I'm going to keep billing it. I just want everyone to know. If you tell me not to, it's a waste of your breath. So I'm going to continue to do it. There were signs of that kind of borderline stuff because one of the things Heather said is one day she kind of followed them after the bus stopped and she had her four-year-old with her. And she would yell at Heather about what a terrible mom she was. And then the four-year-old started crying. And then she would like switch and be like, oh, honey, everything's OK. It's OK. And then she would go back to attacking. And the reason why everybody's names have been changed is because Jennifer and Heather and Karen still lived there. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. They got some ears left. Yeah. You were like, fuck this. Let's go to Maine. We'll see how the people will main are. Honestly. God. Well, Claire, what a spicy night out for the mom. She's not what we were expecting. Oh. But it broke the monotony. Some drama's kind of fun. I'd be liking it all. We're not neighbors because you can't remove yourself. That's the problem. Yeah. It was awkward because she's a big part of the PTA. It would be a part of family events. It just got really awkward. But yeah, it does make for a good story. And Jennifer and I would celebrate by sending Heather little gifts like fruit punch and soccer. I say I'm in. I don't think so. Come and read the budding of our intimate friendship. Our strong friendship that we now have. Oh. Oh, thank you. Well, yeah. Thank you, Claire. That was great. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I could give just two shout outs. Just shout out to Shalice. She is a day one listener who got me hooked into you all. Thank you, Shalice. And then the other thing I just want to say, Dex, I know a lot of people talk about how much your stories of sobriety mean to them. And my dad was an alcoholic. He never went into recovery at all. In fact, he went the other way, died of cirrhosis, tragic. But your stories have been healing for me even after his death. And it shows me the amount of courage and strength and fortitude and support that my dad really didn't have. And it gives me a lot of compassion for him. Oh, good. It's very hard. It's healing for me. So I appreciate it. Oh, my pleasure. That's so nice to hear. Thank you. All right. Have a great summer up there. Bye. Bye. Hi. How are you? What name are we using? Your name is in parentheses, which makes me think it's a code name. It is a code name. I'm going to go by Caroline today. Okay. Caroline, where are you? First of all, your environment is so well put together. It is. This is my home office. I'm in Colorado. Oh, okay. Great. Your arms are ripped. Are you like a climber or something? Absolutely not. I just have two toddlers. So I care around a lot of really bulky children all day. They'll tone up those biceps. That's one of the favors they do for us. Exactly. And are you from there? Did you move there? Moved there actually. So originally from Maui, which is where my story takes place. Oh, wow. That's rare. My story takes place around 2016. And I was with my boyfriend for about a year at the time. And we decided to move into our first place together. So big step, we found this gorgeous apartment. Like, especially if you're in your 20s, this was a score. It had like a spiral staircase. It was lofted. It was in a dream apartment. We moved in and it was great at first. It's a large house to give context that was subdivided into multiple units. So kind of a slum lord situation. We had our place was where it's probably like an add-on to the house. It was above a car port. There was the main house that had maybe three people living in it. There was a unit around back. And then there was a two car garage that had been converted into two studio apartments. And that's kind of where the focus is. So we had James on one side. And then Jamie on another side. And they had actually started dating and became a couple. Oh, dangerous and fun. Yes, exactly. James, we kind of knew of. He was kind of in my parent's circle. So we knew him. And Jamie was very quirky. She was, let's say, mid fifties. She had a giant tramp stamp. And she always walked around in a sports brown tiny short. Yeah, go for her. Will you give a vibe check for Maui? Because I imagine a lot of people move there with kind of interesting lofty spirituality dreams or something. Is it a hodgepodge of people? You get a really good mix of people. You get hippie crunchy. You get obviously people that are native. There's a lot of different competing vibes there. It's kind of a strange place. A lot of vibes is just the best way I can say it. And Jamie had a vibe. And she really did. I mean, she would smoke cigarettes outside all day. She didn't work. She told us she was undergoing cancer treatment, which I'm not sure if that is true or not. Because I don't think she left the house much at all. So anyway, we're enjoying our apartment. Everything's great. My now husband, then boyfriend, made great friends with Jamie. They get along great. Super friendly, quirky, but not threatening. And then fast forward to maybe a month living in the apartment. And I received a package of my name. And it's from Sephora. And it's like a laser device of some sort. Maybe like a laser skin device, I want to say. I did not order this. I looked it up on Sephora and it was like an $800. Oh, shit. Wow. But it was your name, not just your address. In my name, to my address, but I had not ordered this. And there's no way I could have afforded this. I was like 23, 24 at the time. Like this was expensive. I kind of said it aside. I was like, I'm going to have to investigate this. I'll ask around our neighbors. This is strange. A couple days later, we're chatting outside on our patio with our neighbors. And I go, hey, by chance, did you guys order a large package from Sephora? I didn't order this and it's really strange because it was really expensive. And I just want to see if anybody else ordered this. I want it to get in the right hands. I could just see the wheels turning in his head. He goes, well, how much was it for? And I was like, you know, it was about $800. He goes, I just had a fraudulent charge on my card from Sephora for about that amount. Oh, no. Oh, okay. And we were like, oh, my God. So we pulled the package out. We're all looking through it. We're looking for any sort of clues. We find a phone number on the receipt. Obviously, we're going to call it. And it was Jamie from downstairs. With the tram stamp and the cigarettes and the questionable cancer treatment. At this point, we kind of put together. So she uses his credit card, puts it under my name to avoid suspicion, but doesn't work. So she hoped to intercept the package. Kind of a wrench in her place. Like they'll call when they get confused at this multi-person dwelling. Oh, yes. But what she didn't account for was my boyfriend's former roommate was our FedEx driver. Oh, so they were total buds. And he would just walk into our house and just drop off packages. That was the other thing I wanted to ask you about Maui. It's a small place. There's not a ton of people, right? So if you grew up there, even the fact that you said your parents knew some of the neighbors. Everyone knows each other. I didn't know her. Nobody really knew who she was. But like I said, it's like, okay, well, how threatening could she be? We know the other people that live here. We knew her boyfriend. Like, how bad could it be? Anyway, we find out she had ordered it. She hoped intercept it. FedEx driver thwarted that plan. We're at this point. We're like, okay, well, we have to file a police report. So we call the police and on emergency line, they sent out an officer. He shows up and immediately is like, is this where Jamie lives? Oh, perfect. Oh, perfect. Apparently she had had problems with the other tenants that used to live there. They had maybe accused her of possibly stealing a laptop, but I don't think anything ever came out of it. They had since left the apartment. So he basically takes her information. He says, you know, we'll file a report. Keep me in the loop with anything else that comes up gives us his card. I want to say maybe a week or so later, I get a credit card statement. I had taken out a new credit card, but I never received the credit card, but I didn't really think anything of it. Again, I'm in my young 20s. I'm not super organized at this point. I get the statement and there's thousands of dollars worth of charges racked up on this credit card that I never even received. Yeah. Call, get it cleared up. Basically, we're able to figure out. Indeed, Jamie had taken it out of the mailbox once it arrived and gone on a shopping spree. What kind of stuff did she buy? More beauty products? No, she bought more short shorts. It was all maces. She went crazy at maces. Wow. Good for maces. Get that canceled. And then at this point, I luckily had a credit monitoring service through my work as a benefit. I started just getting hangs after pings. She took out probably eight credit cards in my name in the span of one week. - Oh my God. - Really quick Ed, you guys confronted her in face to face or no, you just called the police and let them deal with it. - We never really confronted her at that point. - Okay. - Okay. - Down the road, we did a little bit, but I don't want to lose this apartment. - Yeah, okay, there we go, there we go. - That's fair, yeah. - Dream apartment, like I don't want to stir up drama. So she takes out about eight credit cards in my name, is able to go shopping with a few of them. We're able to get those canceled. We continue to file police reports. They're telling us, okay, we're gathering evidence. We're probably gonna arrest her at some point. She does end up getting arrested. And then the next day is out, watering plants outside. - Acting like nothing ever happened. Then it kind of gets to a point where we're like, okay, this is crazy. She's obviously just continuing to try and open credit cards in my name, fake emails in my name. She's deranged. So we talked to our landlord. He starts taking steps to get her removed from the property. But as I discussed earlier, she was dating James, who lived in the other unit. So even after she was evicted, we were catching her, sneaking on to property, going through our mailbox. - Did your husband ever pull James aside and go like, - No. - How do you like this girl? She's a criminal. - She's a thief. - Well, it's funny, is then he started to get confrontational towards us. He, through the window, tried to get confrontational with my boyfriend. I also had my dad over for dinner one night, which is funny, and he tried to fight my dad. - Oh, wow. - Oh my God. He was the one though that was also involved in Sephora. - No. - Oh, there was a fraudulent charge. - Not James, different tenant. She continues to sneak on property, like I said. She actually keeps ordering packages in my name, and I keep receiving them. She ordered that same laser two more times. - Oh my God. She just quit smoking if she wants her skin to lighten up. - That's what I'm most irked about. To be honest, and to save $3,000 on these things, and never received them, I hope you used it. - Isn't it crazy though the thing I'm most triggered by is like, girl, stop smoking. You don't buy products, like get your shit together. - Sure. It's just getting more and more chaotic. It seems like she's not gonna leave us alone, but we're just kind of trying to hope, like, okay, it'll smooth out. She's off property now. The landlords involved. We have to switch out the mailbox for a locked mailbox. We're just kind of hoping, okay, things are surely gonna kind of start to taper down. Then one day, I am walking into the grocery store. One big main grocery store that everybody shops out on my island. I'm walking in. I kind of see something out of the corner of my eye. I don't fully process it. I walk into the store, and I just had that gut feeling of, what did I just see? So I walked back out, and on the glass store is a flyer. My boyfriend's picture is at the center of the flyer. There's a heading new pedophile to the area. - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. - And I just send in a picture of the flyer. - Oh, my God. - If you didn't know what you were looking at, she tried to make it look official. - No, he looks pretty pedophile-y in that photo. He's got a mustache. - Oh, boy. - He was working against him. He's got his mustache. There's also what's really funny. It looks like he has a tattoo on his neck. - Yes, it does. - That's a photo of his driver's license, and that's the watermark of the state of Hawaii going across the neck. - Oh. - So our theory is that she walked into our house at some point, found his wallet, pulled out his driver's license, and took a photo of it for this flyer. Because how else would she have that? - She tried to make it very official. It says new local pedophile to Maui, Hawaii Criminal Justice, Data Center, Department of the Attorney General. Like it's-- - A lot of words, Data Center. - My heart was in my stomach. Like I could not believe that. It's got our address printed. - Yeah. Pedophile in my address is not something that makes me feel safe. So call my boyfriend. We go home immediately. He's like, okay, we got to start telling neighbors like what's going on. Like to let us know. You see her, you see anything suspicious. So he goes and knocks on our neighbor's door. She literally tells him, get off my porch. I know who you are. - Yes. - See, this is Maui. - Oh no. - She had distributed this flyer in everybody's mailbox in our entire neighborhood. - This is a real liable case here. This is what you can literally win a liable lawsuit over. - Yeah, it's true. - I thought about it, but I'm like, this woman clearly has nothing to her name. - Nistil your own shit back? - Yeah, I'm excited. - Our neighbor crossed the street, had it posted in their laundry room. Like this poster had gone around. And again, small eyelid, people had seen this poster. It had been circulated for a while. We just didn't know about it. - Oh, boy. - So we had to call the police again. They had to go door to door telling everybody, in fact, he is not a sexual predator. This is a fake poster. Please let us know if you saw this being distributed. He had to go door to door. It was completely unifying. After that, we were like, okay, we threw in the towel. - We're leaving. - But what did the police, they can't do anything about this? - We couldn't prove that she had done it. They kept telling us she's gonna be going to jail. The police kept amping this up. Like when they arrested her, there was mail on her counter, that wasn't hers. Like there was all of these things pointing towards her, but nothing ever happened to it. Last I heard, she was selling hummus at the farmer's market. - Oh, do not buy that hummus. - Oh, I do not support that local business. - Nothing ever happened. - Ew. - After we moved out, I heard that she started harassing somebody else at a house nearby. So clearly, this was her M.O. And did you guys bounce to Colorado? - After that, we were pretty quickly like, okay, I think we need a break from the island. - Wow. - People go crazy on an island. - Maybe some methamphetamines too. We suspect that took a turn, hated that. - Yeah, I don't like her and I weirdly admire her. - No, she's just making an absolute mess of everything. And sometimes she's trucking along. - Nothing can get her down. I wish I almost had that level of delusion. - Yeah, like if I had those things on my shoulders, like the cops came, there was mail everywhere. I've got charges. - It would ruin me. I couldn't just parade around and continue to put-- - Well, not if you were doing drugs. - That's true, that would help. - That would help. - That would help. - Yeah, I mean, she was shameless. We would walk by, she would say, good morning. She'd be watered. - It's like, she did not give a crap about anything. She didn't care. - This prompt is making us grateful for the neighbor. We don't like-- - Very tame, comparatively. - Anything is better than that. - That's awful. That was about the peak. - Well, it's so nice meeting you. - Yeah. - It's my name, nice to meet you as well. - I take care. - Bye. - Hello! We're gonna go with a fake name, I'm just been told. - Yeah, yeah, I think I'll keep myself anonymous for this one. - Okay, and what fake name would you like? - What's going on, Mike? - Mike, okay. - Nice and generic. - Mike, where are you at? - So I am located in the foothills of Northern California about an hour outside Lake Tahoe. - Oh, okay. - This is a drive Monica crazy. Is it the 90 that runs through there? - Close, the 80. - Okay, and dirt biking's big in the area or no? - Dirt biking's big in the area, a lot of off-roading, just a lot of outdoor adventure stuff. Yeah, we got a lot of rivers out here skiing. - And do you go up to Tahoe a lot? - Yeah, my wife and I spend quite a bit of time up there. We like to ski and take our dogs up there. - Okay, so Mike, you had a crazy neighbor or maybe you've had more than one? - Yeah, I did. And not so much one isolated incident as crazy neighbor stories often go, but kind of a progressive story over the period of a few years that kind of culminated in one large event. - Oh, fun, okay. Bread crumbs and then a loaf. - Totally. 2022, my wife and I bought our house, moved back to the state. We both grew up in this area. It was a big deal for us, kind of buying our dream house and moving home, being close to family again. And we found this sweet little neighborhood. Everyone seemed really cool. Our next door neighbor is very friendly. Trails out of our back door. So it did seem just like this textbook, picture-perfect little thing. And we settled in really well and started meeting all the neighbors and everyone was cool. And we met one guy who was a little odd, but seemed like he was successful. I was driving around at a nice sports car and had some odd conversations with him here and there at the mailboxes. Were you guys way younger than all your neighbors? - We are, yeah, yeah. We're a generation below the majority of our neighbors, but this guy, not significantly older than us, but definitely in a different stage of life. Every once in a while, people in the neighborhood will shoot. It's not a big deal. It's the country, I don't mind. - Shoot guns. - Yeah, shoot guns. It's definitely a culture thing out here in the foothills. And he would shoot guns every few weeks. I'd hear some gunshots and whatnot coming from down the hill and wouldn't really think much of it. Are people on acres in this neighborhood? - Yeah, these are all like five acre and bigger lots. Bigger parcels, you've got room to do that kind of stuff. So I didn't really think much of it at first. I became a little bit more frequent and this is, you know, over the next year or so, the frequencies of these shooting events happen a little bit more. And I just turned out some weird encounters with the guy around the neighborhood where he just seemed a little bit off. - Okay. - I work in healthcare. I've got a pretty good scope of when people just aren't quite that they're proper baseline. - Yeah. - And I would just catch him out on the roads, again at the mailbox and he just seemed a little off. - Did he seem angry? - Like mad at him. - Not angry, but just having very strange strings of thoughts, just those odd conversations you have where they'll just like interject with some very out there. - Non-sequitor. - Exactly. - Yeah. - Yeah. So I started having those with him and my wife had a couple of very odd encounters out on the road, walking the dogs where he was buying the wheel of a car and seemed like, you know, it was not in a good state of mind to be doing so. So we're starting to get a little bit concerned about this. Nothing like to acutely terrifying has happened, but we're starting to take notes. I also, you know, like most people kind of lurked the local community Facebook page and just keeping tabs on the neighborhood. And I read a few posts from some moms in the neighborhood about like, hey, there's just this kind of odd guy that's like talking to my kids at the park and stuff and they kind of described the vehicle and I'm like, oh God, you know, like this isn't good. Yeah. And so we're now at this point and it's last summer when I initially sent this in. I thought July, but then I looked back at my videos and photos and it was actually in like September. So peak fire season, I mean, things are bone dry around here over the summer. The shooting had grown to a point where it was daily. These shooting events were now going from like maybe a hundred rounds to like a few hundred rounds. Oh my God. From what I understand, ammo is pretty expensive. This was daily occurrences for days on end and also the kinds of guns he was shooting weren't just your normal like pop, pop, they were like fully auto, yeah, yeah, like some heavy duty hardware. Yeah. And I think full auto is illegal in California. Yeah. There's no license you can have in California. I think that allows you to have anything like that. At this point, I'm avoiding this guy. I was in school at the time. I was trying to study. It was interrupting my studying. I was kind of at my wit's end with it. I am out in the yard one day spreading some gravel in the driveway and I'll never forget my wife was standing up on the patio and we hear this enormous explosion down the hill immediately followed by another explosion. And I hear somebody screaming there is a massive column of black smoke that just rises up in the air. And I'm thinking, here we go. He's now working in explosive season transition from small arms to C4. I'm on it into cal fire. My neighbors next door standing out in his yard looking at me like, whoa, what's going on? I'm on the phone with dispatch trying to tell them what's going on and there are just like explosions going on. Oh my God. My wife and I go into action mode, you know, we've got the grab bag. You've got animals, the cash, the documents, all that list of things they tell you they're ready to go. Well, the one thing that we had to get was our husky, if you know anything about huskies, they've got their own agenda normally and it tends to be the exact opposite of what you want in the moment. And they like to get out and just roam, right? Yeah, they're kind of wild animals at heart. Add some explosions on top of that and she's like, no, sorry guys. So she's gone. Oh, I'm like, okay, what do we do here? We have elderly neighbors. So I'm like, let's just go start letting people know because at this point, you're concerned the fire is going to take over your neighbor right up the hill. I mean, we are bone dry peak fire season. We're in the hills. This guy sits at the foot of the hill, but we drive down to the neighbor's house. We let him know, hey, someone's house is on fire and we're waiting around. We're just looking for the dog. And at this point, they've got helicopters overhead scouting it. They've got spotter planes. They brought in the hellfire bombers. So they jump on it and I start seeing fire engines. I hear the sirens. So I jumped down the hill and guiding them back down to the correct house propped to the local fire department. They jumped on it. I was so impressed with how much resource they sent to this thing to get on it right away because it could have been nasty, but it seemed like it got on it. It was limited to just the structure and the guy's house and nothing really blew up from there, but it was a very close call that we all kind of saw coming, I think, from a mile away. It rode my quad down once things seemed to kind of stabilized and I hopped on my ATV and rode down and this big fire inspector guy sees me and he's like, are you the homeowner? And he starts walking up to me and I'm like, no, man, I called you guys in like I live up the hill. And he's like, well, we found like ID's in the roof and apparently they found some wild stuff in this guy's house. I haven't seen this guy since he has been a wall. Would you have still never seen the guy? I have still not seen this guy. He disappeared. Did you guys ever learn from the fire investigators if he had set off the explosion or if something self ignited in there? I never heard anything. I never got any follow up on it. So I don't know if it's still like an active, they're like looking into something. And was the house burnt to the ground? It was still standing. I sent a video and I think if you guys got that, it shows they're spraying down the upper level of the house. It was completely burned to the bones. Oh my God. It's still standing, but if you look at it, it's done for Mike. We've got the video. Okay. We're going to watch it. Rob's going to show us the video right now. Oh, sure. I feel like a real news show. You too. Oh, yeah. This is a big scene. By the way, it's beautiful where you live. Thank you. Oh, it sounds like the end of the world with all the fucking goats bladding. Yeah. Probably 20 different fire engines. They had two different planes on it. It was impressive watching how the day went after it. Now, dying to know what this guy's ism was. Yeah. I am right there with you. Maybe some schizophrenia with substance. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of follow each other like that self medication that's making it worse. Oh, wow. That is rough while a couple of years and then that problem kind of taken care of itself for me, I guess. Yeah. So it's kind of like a PSA to other people like if you got that neighbor, don't worry. He'll blow his house up soon enough. You might blow your house up so you gotta be aware. Well, you ever know your neighbor has like, there was just that news story about the kid who inherited his dad's house and he had like a brick a C4 in it. Oh, really? It was an old demo instructor. Yeah, that was just like last week here in California. You never know what your neighbor's got. How's ours? What is going on in these homes, you know? I know. I also bet up there there's a mix of some raw dog dudes. Yeah, there are definitely some people hiding out up here. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great way to say it. You're close enough to the city that, you know, you do have the professionals and stuff that come up here and just get away from it, but you've also got the other side of it. Wow. Wow. And guys trying not to be found. Narrow. Yeah. Oh, well, Mike, this was delightful. I'm sorry that happened. But that was a good story. Thank you. Yeah, it was fun to share it with you guys. And if I can just get my wife a quick shout out. She's the one that turned me on to the podcast and she's getting ready for work right now, actually. So she wasn't able to hop in. What do we call her? We're going to have to call her a fake name. Kathleen. Kathleen. Kathleen. Thank you, Kathleen. Very sexy. Kathleen Conner, you know, seductress. Great meeting you brother. Yeah. I love that story. Yeah, this was fun. And send our love to your wife. Absolutely. We'll do. You all take care. Be good brother. Bye. Bye. I liked him because he was a medical professional. And it was mixed messages. Yeah. I liked that. He was a medical professional and on the quad. Yeah. And it was a great storyteller. And he was on top of it because he was helping the neighbors. Take care. He's going to get the old folks out. Yeah. That's nice. I did that during our fires. If you recall. That's nice. I went up to that really old gal. But she was. She was still walks. We have a neighbor. Is she so impressive? She's in her 90s, I think. And she walks home from the grocery store with her groceries. Oh, my God. And I went over and I said, Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to invite you to our house if it gets tricky or you need. And she's like, Oh, I'm good. Almost offended. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, you're good. You're good. I thought you maybe you saw my lady's ghost and you thought she was alive and real. Your lady's gold. The lady who lived in my home before me, all who died in your house. She didn't die in there. Yes. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. I looked it up. Look, my old house. There's a murder. Listen, I know. But that's not what happened. Okay. I looked it up. She didn't die on the property. They have to disclose that. She probably died in the hospital. Good night, yes. But she was a hundred. And I thought maybe you went over there to check on her and she was there. Because she was a ghost. Oh, and she said ghost can walk through flames. I'll be fine. Yeah. That's bad. Oh, I don't think she'll like the idea. Are you inclined to like learn a lot about her? Yes. I thought many times, I guess, spoiler about doing a documentary that's me investigating her and her life and also the neighborhood. Oh, yeah. That would be nice. Because, you know, she was called the Queen of Lotham Park. Oh. You don't know a lot about her. Other than that she died in your house. No. She said she's going to be mad at you for saying then she might haunt you. But she preferred that she died in her house than the hospital. So I meant she likes this revisionist history. She wants the truth to be told. Okay. We'll tell you. Very honest. All right. I love you. That's the truth. Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or do you want to have a theme song? Oh. Okay. Great. We don't have a thing. So for this new show. So here I go. Go. Go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our Jerry's bookets and suggestions. On the fire rindish, on the fire rindish, enjoy.