Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Buck Rogers. Hello. Today we have crazy bar stories. Bars are very fertile ground. I mean, nothing, well, I shouldn't say nothing good happens. Don't people find their soulmates at bars? Me cute! Yes, but alas, that's not these types of stories. You know, we have every version of depravity happening. So, please enjoy crazy bar stories. We get support from Quince. I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait. I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince. Because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Starting at $60. $60! $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is. Because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time. The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time. And he looks iconic. It's a uniform. Mm-hmm. And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is presented by YouTube Premium. YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel any time. Now let's get into today's episode. All times. Come and go. Good times. Take them slow. My life. I had them both. But the one thing you got to know, I'm going to keep on shining. You guys see me? Oh, we can see you. We can hear you. What is this sound dampening you've put up? Are those trifold mattresses? What are those? No, it's a nugget. I don't know if you guys know what those are. It's for kids. You can basically make. Little shapes for them to climb on. Each one is about 18 inches thick. Oh, and they're big cubes. Kind of. That's fine. Oh, wow. Where are you, Justin? I'm in central Wisconsin right now. When did you move there? I moved here about three years ago. I'd say from where Minneapolis, where the story takes place. Oh, okay. So you have a bar story. Please walk us through it. All right. So to set the stage, this was back in December of 2018. I was working in downtown Minneapolis as a head of security and I was head of security for. About six months at the time at a bar at that time. It was more of like a college place where kids would come from the U of M and go party. So it was pretty busy. I broke up a lot of fights, literally almost daily. One time I had to go to the hospital due to another injury. Can I ask really quick, two questions. How common is it to have to have a head of security? Is that just because it was a college town? Do you think, or is that common in Minneapolis? It's pretty common. Oh, okay. And then second, how do you qualify for the job? Like what's the interview like? How are they determining whether or not you can handle your business? They've seen me before. I broke. Up quite a lot of fights. Okay, great. Great. So one night at about two 30 in the morning after the bars close, me and one of my security guards, we take one of the barricades and we're going to go around the building to put it into the garage where we put all the barricades and heat lamps. When we go around the corner, I see two men punching one woman. Oh my God. Oh boy. Oh boy. I hesitate for a second because I remember my boss constantly told us, do not break up fights that are outside because liability issues only do it inside, but I'm not going to let two men beat up. A woman. So I dropped the barricade and I ran over there and tried to pull off one of the guys. He tried to punch me, but I was sober and he definitely was not. So I kind of just stepped back. He missed. I kicked him in the stomach and I punched him in the face and I pushed him over. My other security guard went over there and held him there for a minute. And then I turned to the other guy. He has a handful of her shirt, just holding it and he's about to punch and he kind of looks my way and he sees me and he starts going towards me to punch. And I saw that coming. So I put my head down and he hit right on the top. So I don't know if you know that would hurt him a lot. Yeah, his hands broken for sure. Definitely. Yeah. After that, he can let go of her. I punched him two more times. I used my left hand. I had him in the temple and then I had him right below the nose. I also heard something crack. Oh, OK. He goes down and he has blood everywhere. He's looking at me and I see that he's missing a tooth. So that was the crack. Oh, so I turned to the girl and I say we should go. And I'll never forget the way she looked at me. She turns to me and she has two swollen eyes. She's looking at me and she goes, I want to stay here with my boyfriend. Oh, that makes me so sad. Yeah, I didn't quite know what to say to that. I felt really bad. But then I look over and I see my boss. He's outside the door and he's like, get back in here, Justin, right now. I told her I was going to go call the police. So I ran in there and I get my phone. I called 911. I talked to them and they said they were going to come away. When I got off the phone, I looked out there and all three of them were gone. So I had quite an adrenaline rush, so I couldn't really feel. My body at the time. So one of my coworkers said, hey, you're dripping blood off your hand. I looked down and I have about a half inch cut on my knuckle. And I'm like, oh, great. So I go find the first aid kit, which is empty. And so I was like, OK, I'm just going to put some cold water on this. Another coworker said, you should go to the hospital because getting saliva or something like that. Yeah, you could go rancid. You get that cat disease. So I am going to HCMC, which is a Hennepin County Medical Center. I got there. It was pretty busy after about, let's say, an hour or so. I got to see a doctor. They washed it out for me a little bit and then they gave me two different antibiotics because I'm allergic to amoxicillin. Then they sent me home, but they drew a circle on my hand and they said, if it gets past this, you need to come back. I go home and go to sleep and I wake up at about eleven o'clock in the morning. I can feel my hand is throbbing. It feels like I could feel my heart beating. It was pretty bad to look at it. And the circle was down low, but the infection was higher. Oh, I had gone up past your wrist. Yeah, only about eight hours after all. Oh, my God. What was he carrying? A rabies? I wish he was drinking more alcohol. It might have disinfected. Yeah, I decided to go back to the hospital. And when I walked into the door to the left was the emergency room. To the right was urgent care. So I was like, I'm going to urgent care because emergency room is packed right now. I walked in there and I talked to a nurse and she's getting all my information and I told her I was there earlier today. Technically, she looks at my hand and she goes, oh, and she drops everything and she brings me into the emergency room. And then I get to the top of the list. So I go in right away when I see a doctor. He looks at it. He goes, OK, you're probably going to need surgery. What? So they got me hooked up on IV antibiotics. And a little bit later, I had a surgeon come in and talk to me and he looks at it. He goes, OK, so this is what we're going to do. And, you know, we're going to put you under. You're probably going to stay here for a night or two, about an hour later. They bring me down to get surgery. I think the surgery is about an hour and a half when I woke up, the surgeon was there and he was talking to me. It was you're very lucky that you came in when you did, because you could have had a finger or your hand amputated from how bad it was infected. I sent pictures. So they went in there and they actually had to, like, cut out the infection. I thought you were about to tell me they extracted the tooth from your hand. Oh, my God, the tooth lodged in his hand. Oh, that would've been horrible. He probably swallowed it. Wait, yeah. So they cut out. You can see the pictures. Yeah, let's go. They kind of cut it. It looks like an S sort of. Oh, yeah, it looks real gross, like it's going to pop with infection. So the first one, then you have right after I got the circle on my hand and then the other two were after the surgery. Oh, wow. Did they tell you, did they like send tissue samples away and then tell you what the I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm so curious. What was it? I'm not sure. I didn't even ask that. It was very painful. As you can see in one of the pictures, it looks like they kind of forgot some of the gauze and they kept it in there, but that was kind of like a wick to get rid of. Oh, keep sucking up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hanging. Look, Monica, hanging out of the. I saw. Yeah. You don't like. I don't need to keep looking. The most painful part was when they removed that. I thought it was just going to be like, you know, half an inch. There is probably an inch and a half or something. And you pulled it out quick. He goes, this is going to. Oh. And did you examine it when it came out? I would really want to see what was happening. Oh, yeah. It was very bloody. Yeah. Oh, I called my boss after that. And I told him, you know, I'm probably going to be here if it takes a few days. He asked me if it's going to be workers comp. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, that'll be workers comp. So he was pretty upset about that. So I returned to work about a week later. I was told to do a safety briefing for all the security guards. This is how you break up a fight. And this is where you break up a fight, not outside. What were you going to do? Not as your job, like as just a person. Yeah, they were actually going to fire me. But a few of my coworkers, female ones, said that they were going to quit if they did that. OK, now this Willie - The thing is, an appetite to get involved in chaos i want to know how much the red hair plays into it i don't know if you've ever heard my theories on redheads we have a temper i have a few rules you don't fight you don't fight a guy at a stoplight who when he gets out he casually takes his shirt off like not to show off but just he's ruined so many shirts that he's learned just move on get back in your car in general a married guy at the bar just don't mess with he's been holding a lot in and then i don't care what size the redhead is just keep it moving i've seen a lot of little little redheads in junior high and high school get the best of somebody my friends they'd say i ginger stamped i also have martial arts experience i got my black belt and karate and some stuff in the military too so the entire thing from when i saw them to him going down covering his mouth was about 10 seconds sure it happened very fast i wonder what was in his mouth he had been eating someone that had flesh-eating bacteria oh he's a cannibal oh i took down a zombie how much longer did you have that job probably for another five or six months the month before that happened i also had to go into the hospital due to a slight fracture in my elbow there was a guy i was trying to harass some of the waiters and waitresses and stuff like that and i tried to escort him out he tried to punch me so i put him in a rear naked choke and right then i kind of fell forward and his weight my leg landed on the tip of my elbow you'd think i would have learned well again i don't know what you're supposed to do and you walk up on that no you got it's time to get down of course i'm having a lot of envy listening i know there's a job i would have loved i know you are i loved it yeah yeah aaron ran a bar for 10 years and he didn't have security he was the security of the owner of the bartender yeah and he got to see a lot of action i was jealous well justin i'm glad that there are people wired like you and i that would intervene in a situation like that and then of the guy it's so upsetting but also you know there's a lot of stats around that like she would have been killed probably if she did not say that or do that like it's a really horrible situation i don't have any answers but it's yeah yeah can i do a shout out yes my significant other sarah she was supposed to be here to watch her son while i was doing this but i got the times wrong i forgot it was pacific time central time she's the one that told me to submit it she's the one that got me to start listening years ago and i think monica would really like her because you guys have a very similar personality but she's also a physical therapist oh i love her i just add her to my pt collection pt club the two other people would be our friends amber and ethan they're the ones that got us to start listening to your podcast oh thank you yeah we appreciate converting people amber and ethan i have a lot of people are gonna start listening because i was like i'm gonna be on there oh fun well it's you too yeah congrats on your family i'm happy for you thank you all right take care bye are you so happy we have such a tough listener yeah but also so sweet could you hear his sweetness that's what i love i doubt he's starting a lot of fights but he's he's finishing them when they need finishing hello hi is this casey yes casey nice to meet you casey where are you dax i know you like to guess so maybe you want to take a guess from my accent here's what's gonna happen i already know what i'm down to it's just down to two yes and i know if i get it wrong both parties would be very offended but i'm going new zealand on this one me too i'm in south africa oh triple wrong who's offended now everyone it's pretty close it gets mistaken now and then anyways what city are you in down there johannesburg okay what's the vibe in johannesburg i've never been joeberg's got the friendliest people i would say have you been to cape town no i've only been to tanzania and kenya and uganda cape town's beautiful as well but johannesburg is the best place to be johannesburg is the best place to be johannesburg is way friendlier okay and so you've got a bar story yeah so let me set the scene i was in my early 20s like 1920 thereabouts what's the drinking age down there 18 by the time we're 21 we're veterans i'd moved up to johannesburg probably like a year before that from my hometown in george very small coastal town so small city to a big city getting used to the vibe in johannesburg by this time i've got a nice group of friends and we're starting to go out and meet people and whatnot the story starts off at a braai it's basically a barbecue i love starting something off with a barbecue yeah that's really great i went there with my cousin and i ended up meeting this couple there thought nothing of it and a couple of weeks later or a couple of months later i don't exactly the time i saw that the girl from this couple ended up being single and i decided to slide into the dm okay lovely after some time we ended up dating so that's kind of like the precursor to the story so after a few months of dating we decided to go out one night we went to hooters so we also have hooters here i'm very happy to hear that you have hooters hooters is very international best fried chicken sandwich i maintain that i enjoy their wings anyway so leading up to this the ex of hers was messaging me now and then on social media and not being very nice let's say threatening me but i thought nothing of it blocked him carried on with my life we ended up at this bar and as i walk in i turn a corner and i walk straight into this guy like physically bump into him and i kind of taken aback and i move to the side and carry on walking to my table and we sit down you know think nothing of it i forgot to mention this dude is super big compared to me when you bumped into each other were there any words bump in no words part ways so thought nothing of it right so anyway sit down at our table and we're having a good night having a couple of beers ordering food and i see this guy starts moving closer to us and sits at a table adjacent from us oh boy and he's like staring me down the entire time is your girlfriend with you yeah my girlfriend's with me i've got a lifelong friend with me as well and then another guy friend of mine that's a pilot that was visiting he flies for doctors without borders in afghanistan but he's a british guy so it's the four of us sitting at the table minding our own business and every time i glance mouthing off making as if he's swearing at me i can't tell what he's saying but you know you can see something not good we get support from our presenting sponsor youtube premium now you already know i'm a big youtube person uh it's incredible on its own but premium makes the whole experience feel enhanced like you don't realize how much better it can get until you try it the biggest 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The guardrails are on, and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age-appropriate experiences for teens. I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at Instagram.com slash teen accounts. This episode is supported by Dell. Ready to upgrade your PC? The Dell Top Tech event is here, and you can skip the research because independent tech experts already did it. Dell has laptops, desktops, and monitors that have been tested, reviewed, and named a winner by the publishers you trust. So instead of spending hours researching, you get a short list that's already proven. Take the Dell XPS 13 laptop, built for those who want to want better. Whether you're studying, working, or just getting things done, its thin and light design makes it easy to take anywhere. It has a touchscreen you'll love using, a battery built to last through your busiest days, and impressive performance powered by Intel Core processors. That's the thing about the Dell Top Tech event. The experts already found the winners. All that's left is finding yours. While shopping, you'll also find perks like Dell Rewards, fast free shipping, premium support, and find out more. Financing with flexible payment options. Shop the winners now at Dell.com slash deals. That's Dell.com slash deals. So we noticed this is a group and we decide maybe we need to get out of here. It's starting to get a little sketchy. So as we stand up to leave, him and his friends stand up to leave as well. We walk outside and he starts to try to confront me. Now I'm more of a lover than a fighter, but I stand my ground. My girlfriend at the time comes in between us and kind of like pushes him back and tries to calm him down a bit. And he's getting more and more aggressive. The bouncers decided to step in at this point. The bouncers at Hooters and Johannesburg are massive. So that kind of diffused the situation. The bouncer then put his arm around me and started to walk me to my car. And the other bouncer. The bouncer was arguing with the guy behind me and just trying to handle the situation. Every time I glanced back, another one of this dude's friends arrived. So like it's turning from two people into like four and then six. And then at some point there was like eight of them. Now the bouncer behind me is starting to get obviously a little overwhelmed. And the one that's walking me to my car is like, okay, you need to leave now. Get in the car and go. Get in the car. The one female friend of mine, she got in the driver's seat and I was like, I don't think you should drive. Let me drive rather. Just in case we need to like get away or something like that. I feel like I'm a more evasive driver, you know. This parking lot that Hooters is in, it's like parking lot with parkades on either side, but there's one entry and exit. As we reverse out and we start going down this exit path, him and his entire group of friends block the road. So now I'm like, okay, now what? So he's standing in front of the car and he's staring at me and trying to intimidate me. The friend of mine in the back, the one that was visiting from Afghanistan, had his window rolled down. And one of this dude's friends punched him through the window and ended up chipping his tooth. His famous quote from that is, he spends his career in a war zone, but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets punched. This guy starts like pushing on the bonnet of the car, trying to stop the car. At this point I've had enough. So I started to edge forwards. And as I move forwards, he jumped onto the bonnet of the car and like smashed a massive hole in the windshield. He's lost it. Yeah, he's pretty cray cray. So at this point I just floored it and he kind of rolled off the car and we got home after that. That's not where the story ends though. We're police called? That's what I'm getting to. So we got home and the friend whose car it was went to go lay charges at the police station. The next day, this guy contacted us and they were trying to like negotiate so that she would drop the charges and he would pay for the damages. But it turns out he was contacting us because he tried to charge me as well. So he also went to the police station and he tried to charge me with attempted murder. Oh my god. Oh my lord. When he was charged with malicious damage to property. So we ended up getting contacted by a detective and now I'm super nervous. Like my first run in with the law. I'm like, what's going on? Am I going to get arrested for this? I go to the police station, make my statement. The detectives have taken both of our statements and he says, even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth, you know? So I shouldn't worry about it. So I was like, okay. And he said, he'll let me know if I need to come in for anything again. And that was the end of that. Then about a week later, he phones me. He's like, I need you to come to the police station today. I'm like, okay. So I get my friend to go with me in case he can arrest me or something that they take my car home. But yeah, it turns out that wasn't the case. He just wanted to tell me that they'd actually arrested the other guy and he wanted to confirm some of my statements. So that's kind of where it ended. I ended up being a witness for his trial. Yeah. I have no idea if he was convicted or not. I wasn't there for the sentencing or whether like he was guilty or anything like that. So it was just stand as a witness. And that was kind of the end of that. And did he ever reach out to your then girlfriend? About it? I don't think so. I ended up moving back to my hometown and then back to Johannesburg again. So a few years later, I like I bumped into him at the gym. Oh, you did. He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. So I think he'd learned his lesson whether or not he got charged or not. Like he was super young. So I don't know if he would have gotten a criminal record or anything from that. I'm sure the judge would have been lenient if it was like a first time offense. People cannot control their temper. No young men are wound up a little hot. Yeah. Especially when the legal drinking age is 18. Oh, true. Yeah. Alcohol, jealousy, massive size. Maybe he was juicing. Who knows what's in the mix? Yeah. Well, I'm glad you made it out of there. And I hope that didn't taint your feelings about Hooters. No, not at all. I still regularly go to Hooters for their all you can eat chicken wing special. Oh, they've got an all you can eat wing special. Yeah. Oh, pretty good. And you'd love the exchange rates for it as well. Yeah. Surprise. I don't do some sort of like chicken breast special. You're more perverted than all you can eat breast. Oh, my God. You're so perverted. I will say I hated this about Hooters. They were very ethical about serving people because my friend Scotty and I used to go and watch basketball in the Santa Monica Hooters location, eat wings. They would only sell you two pitchers of beer. Yeah, because all the pandemonium and the dangerous. But we wanted us to consume. But again, very ethical of them. So I guess I am applauding them even though I was frustrated. How about down there? Is it willy nilly? Will they over serve you? Are they pretty tight? The portion sizes are pretty big. I have been to the U.S. before and South African portion sizes don't really compare like U.S. portion sizes are insanely huge. Yeah. I know we're so gluttonous. It's crazy. I'm guessing you don't have 64 ounce drinks at the gas station either. No, none of that. Well, Casey, it's lovely meeting you. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so glad to be seeing you. And we're so flattered you're down in South Africa listening. I think I might be a first for South Africa. I think so. I think so. Spread the word. All right. Well, lovely meeting you, Casey. You too. Have a good one. Take care. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Yes. Is it Leah or Lee? Lee. You just never know what these spellings. It's tough. I was excited for you guys to guess. I get Leah a lot. I get lay a lot. Lay is inappropriate. But Leah and Lee. That's tricky. How do you spell Leah? Leah. Leah. Leah. Leah. No, Leah. L-E-A-H usually. Where are you at, Lee? I am just a stone's throw away from some of your many references in Northville, Michigan. Oh, I know. Northville inside and out. Do you cruise Heinz Park? Of course. I'm like a mile away. Wonderful. Yes, we would go cruising in Heinz Park. We went to Nova High. My husband went to Nova High. Wow. We did. And then we would cruise downtown Northville. That's the story, Monica, that I met the girl and I was lying about my age and she tooted when we were hooking up. Remember that famous story? Jesus Christ, Dax. I'm sorry. That's all from Northville. Oh my God. Bringing back all the memories. Lee, did you grow up in Northville? I grew up in Northville and I met my husband at Michigan State where this story takes place. Oh. And then we moved all around. I was by Wobby Wob in Chicago down in Michigan. I was in Dallas and now back in good old Northville. No stints in Atlanta. What do you have against Atlanta? You know, I worked for United Airlines. They're very Delta country. So maybe my only rivalry there. Do you still work for them or no, you don't? No, I'm a stay home mom and a personal trainer. Okay. Nice. Oh, I have gains. Monica's worked out 1.2 times, 1.1 times. And my muscles are huge. I'm sorry to scare you. How often are you working out? We're so off track, but I'm curious. - Probably five to six times a week. - There we go. - Always a rest day, sometimes two. How about five or six days rest days? I like the six-day workout. Okay. Yeah, sometimes seven on accident. Let's hear our story. Okay. So, as we referenced Michigan State, sort of known as a party school, which is where this story takes place. This is January 2014, which would make me a 18-year-old freshman at Michigan State. We are back for second semester, and I was on a sports team at MSU. And I actually want you guys to guess what team you think I was on. I think you were a soccer player. Uh, lacrosse. We're going to go lacrosse, because my husband was lacrosse. So, I'm going to keep that part anonymous, but I like lacrosse. Okay, so neither. Neither. Because I'm on the lacrosse team, there are girls who are a lot older that I've become friends with over summer trainings, and we kind of have this big age group of friends. All the girls who are 21, obviously, are going to the bars on Friday night, and that gave a big incentive to the younger girls to find a way to also go to the bars. So, there are two ways, at the time, it felt like you could get a fake ID. First one is the one I opted for, which was to take some sort of very sketchy passport-like photo to send to who knows what country via whatever boy on the dorm floor was willing to take on this endeavor. Get all of those fake IDs back in like a necklace box from, again, who knows what country and who knows when, and he would kind of go and pass them out. Terrible. Very clearly fake from Connecticut. Not great, but worked at the bars. You knew it. Not great, but worked at. The more ideal way to get the ID was a cousin that turned 21, pretends they lose theirs, you look enough like them, you use a real Michigan driver's license, you know, more of a surefire. The real ID was always preferred. I didn't get to have that, obviously, because nobody looked like me. One time I used Callie's ID. We've talked about that. Anyway, go on. So, I've got my fake ID. I'm 18, feeling good, getting into the bars I know I can get into with my older teammates, but some of the other girls. Some of my grade. We're still looking for an ID. Well, it turns out, feels like fate, one of the older girls on the team is at a party and sticks her hand down because she drops her phone in the couch cushion and pulls out a driver's license. Oh, bingo. For someone we don't know, but immediately she looks at it, blonde, blue eye, could have been any one of our teammates. So, she holds on to this morsel and she decides that she is going to knight one of my best friends, another freshman, Janine, with this fake ID. Now, Janine. Janine is about 5'1", 5'2", cute as a button, and this ID does say 5'10". But other than that, we're going to roll with it. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundeo or for Glipron. Foundeo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced risk of heart disease. It's a treatment that can reduce the risk of heart disease. It's the wellness choice. We're having a good time. We're booty bumping. Now, the manager of this bar, we're going to call him Hank because I'm pretty sure he still works there. And I want to be in good graces as an alumna. But he is exactly what you think of when you imagine a Midwestern bar manager, like big, burly. He's wearing the Ricks East Lansing t-shirt. Everybody kind of knows his face in East Lansing. We spot him walking over to Janine. So there's a couple of us that are all hanging out and Janine is near the bar getting a drink on the dark side. Hank walks over, steps right in front of Janine and just puts his hand out, palm up as if to say, hand it over. Right? Like, I know you're using a fake, hand it over, but he's saying no words. So from the opposite corner of the bar, I am watching this go down. And immediately I clock that the person standing next to him is Haley. The reason that the bouncer immediately recognized Haley is because their co-workers are all hanging out. And they're all hanging out. And Janine is near the bar getting a drink on the dark side. And she's a bartender. Oh my gosh. What are the odds? That is a bad, bad sim. Bad luck is what that is. As she's fumbling through her crossbody to get this ID out, she goes to give it to Hank and Haley snaps it out of her hand and just turns and walks away. Kind of drew the conclusion that at some point in the bouncer shift, he ran down the steps and said to Haley, I just let your friend in with your ID. And Haley said something like, what do you mean my friend? I lost my ID at a party. You're right. And that's why he let her in. He's like, oh, it's one of Haley's buddies. She works here. We're going to let it slide. I'm caught up now. That makes sense. So now we've pissed off Hank. We've pissed off Haley and we've pissed off the bouncer. There's a lot of lies happening here, right? From far away, I just see Haley get her ID and Janine turns immediately and walks the other way. So I'm like, we're good. I've got three vodka crayons and I'm booty bumping. Come on back and join the party. I think we're fine. And she comes to join the group and is like, we got to go. They're mad. This is bad news. Now, truly like out of a movie cut to the next thing we see is we're trying to get up the steps. And at the top of the steps with the bouncer are two East Lansing police officers. They were known to send the police officers in and kind of have a little bit of fun. And so we're at the top and we just hear the bouncer say to the police officers. Yeah. Blonde in the big pink necklace. Oh, describing. Oh my God. She just pull off the necklace and throw it literally. So we are walking the steps. Our walk turns into a full blown sprint. We turn the opposite way from the police officers. And at this point, I don't know if it's the adrenaline. I don't know what's happening. But there are no words being said between the group of the three of us that are sprinting away from this bar. We are just like all somehow telekinesis going the same direction and getting out of there. End up running away from the police officers. They do not chase us. In my mind, I was like, we're now going to be on a foot chase. That did not happen. We ran around the corner, went into the drunk food spot, ditched the pink necklace in the bathroom and all was well. Scary. That's the whole circle of it is she obviously got her fake taken. I was like the young one. I didn't turn 21 until well into senior year. And I got very cocky with my fake ID because it had worked for so long. So for her 21st birthday, I tried to use my fake ID in Vegas. Not a good idea. And that's when I got mine snatched. Happened to the best of us. Two things. I use Ken Kennedy's at times when I needed to, but mostly we lived in downtown Detroit and they did not give a flying fuck what age you are in downtown Detroit. And that's when I got mine snatched in 1993. They didn't care at all. You go into the liquor store and buy whatever you wanted. And they're like, great. You got cash. You're good. Mine got taken my senior year right before I turned 21. It ended up being okay. I got three years out of it. What was yours? How'd you, how'd you get yours? I had the bad kind, obviously. You bought it off a freshman in the dorm? I had a friend who was making them. Okay. I mean, it was literally glued to the back of a blockbuster card. Couldn't take it out of the wallet. Oh, you know, you had the wallet with the clear thing and you would just like give them that, you know, if they said, take it out, then you're like, actually, I gotta go. Actually, I have diarrhea. I gotta go home right now. Yeah. I just remembered I have diarrhea. So he made me and I cry. There's a fugazi. You cry. Yeah. I was so embarrassed. Janine's coming out. Hold on. I'm giving my airpods. Oh my God. Look at, look at this. You're still friends. Who's the third member? I'm was not a part of the story. I met them after, but I'm just a huge arm. And so Lee and I text all the time when episodes come out where I was just like bonding over it. And she was like, okay, you have to come over some, some moral support for the story and sneak in and say hi, if you can. So just wanted to say I'm a huge fan. Love it. All right. Well, nice meeting all of you. Yes. Yeah. Nice meeting you too. Thank you for so fun. Bye. Where are you camping? I'm currently camping in my living room. Oh, I love it. Are those rosettes? Oh no. This is part of a fort kit that my children own. Oh yeah. We had the same one and I come across big tubs of the poles and the joining pieces all the time and think, are we really still ever going to play with this? Can we please get rid of it? And we don't. Well, now they're also weapons. Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. I mean, look at it. It's just dying to be swung at a sibling. Where are you at in the world? Outside of Washington, DC and Northern Virginia. Oh, okay. Wonderful. What kind of weather do you have over there right now? It's a little chilly, but the sun is starting to come back out. So I'm slowly getting out of my seasonal depression. Oh, good. I'm happy for you. Driving with the windows down yet? Yes. Sunroof wide open. Oh, it's a big, big moment. You know, in my planner, I have to write down what I'm grateful for every day. Yeah. And yesterday I wrote sunshine. It's a good one. It's a real good one. I do. So this story takes place in a small college town in Virginia. I am a college sophomore in this story and I am not yet 21. So I am going to the bars with a fake ID that is pretty bad. And where did you get it? The variety of. Yeah. We're learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. What was your variety? We found some guy that did fake. It wasn't like a real ID. It was created for me. And so I basically traded a Kate Spade bag that my aunt gave me for this ID. Oh, that's pretty expensive. Better be a good fake. It was bad. Did you have to take a picture or did you use an existing one? How was it constructed? They took a picture and then it was horribly laminated and then they didn't even like stand down or pointy. Sharp, dangerous to retrieve out of the wallet. Yeah. And how successful was it as a fake ID? Did it work? If they ever used the scanner, which they started using as I was getting closer to 21, I would not make it in. But for the most part, it did its job. Okay. Great. Great. I love that. It's a Thursday night. It's the local bar that everyone goes to. It's only college students. And it's one of those special college bars that has this big open space where you can dance and it's like a club. But then as soon as you enter these other doors, it's just like a restaurant and bar. So it's picture night. It's two for one. And I have two pictures and I'm going to meet my friends. I'm already wasted. We're already making our way towards this club space. So it's like a different feel now. I am hammered. And as I'm walking, I'm in my heels and my black lacy going out top. I'm strutting my stuff. I slip on a puddle of something and I fall face forward and I catch myself with my mouth. Okay. You break your fall with your teeth. I did. I broke my fall with my teeth. Because you couldn't let those pitchers go. I didn't. I needed to. It was a priority. I had to get them to my friends. So I fell and I knocked all four of my friends. Oh my goodness. This is really a serious tumble. It was in a like crescent moon shape across the floor. Oh, fuck. Oh, wait, they broke off. The roots didn't come out. No, the roots didn't come out, but they all broke off, which was actually pretty fortunate for me later that they didn't all actually come out. Wait, can I ask you quickly, like what's the pain of your teeth cracking off? There's zero pain. Oh, that's nice. I feel nothing. But you're drunk, which helps. Could also be a little shock. Yeah. And you run your tongue along your teeth and you go, oh, it's a moon shape. Yeah. I don't run my tongue along my teeth. I just rung my tongue through my teeth. Oh, really quick. Do you look on the ground for the pieces of teeth? So this is where it actually gets bad. My guy friends that lived around the corner from me, they saw this whole thing and they watched me spit my teeth. Oh, look at them like really pissed off and then throw them across the floor of the bar. Gangster move. I like it. - So they did print it. looked for my teeth but we never saw them again which was also a blessing because the dentist would have tried to glue them it wouldn't have looked good yeah a big big seam across your smile i'm wasted at this point and my guy friends being guys were like we want to stay at the bar so they usher me into a cab with people i don't know so strangers are now bringing me home they decided that finding my friends was not the best oh my god well really quick i mean maybe they saw what disregard you had for your teeth and they're like oh she didn't care about shit they can't care they should care it was just a normal night for me so i get inside and i'm by myself and i'm not really sure what to do i'm not really panicking it could still be that i was in shock but everything seems fine i do call my mom and it's probably you 11 or 12 at night on a thursday night she's sleeping she's two hours away and i leave her a message and all i say is they're gone oh my god and then my roommate comes in and so i hang up the phone and i don't say anything else my roommate quickly calls my boyfriend who is long distance and she quickly just tells him what's going on before we go to the er and she says katie fell at the bar which he heard as katie fell off the bar oh so he's thinking i was dancing on the bar oh and he's pissed now he's starting to get jealous oh i told her never to do that anymore it made me want to actually have dance on the bar like i wish i had done it so we do go to the er and the doctor is unfazed by us we're wasted he checked me for head trauma i'm fine he says you just need to go to the dentist in the morning everything's fine he does prescribe me percocet oh it was also fun to stay at the pharmacy with my list so percocet so we proceed to go home everything's fine i go to sleep and i wake up at seven in the morning from a phone call from my mom and she is just like what is happening what's gone so i tell her everything and she says okay i'll be there in two hours so on her way she does make a dentist appointment for me and i went back to sleep i made no effort to clean myself up i have last night's makeup on i have maybe like those juicy couture sweatpants on with juicy across my butt yeah crop top i look like a mess i smell like a bar my mom is clearly ashamed of my choices the caps off the percocet bottle sitting on the nightstand she did make me give her the percocet yeah yeah smart she takes me to the dentist and the minute that i walk in i realize that my jesus loving mother has taken me to the most christian dentist there could ever be and i know that she's not acting that disappointed but that this is her form of retribution for me i proceed to spend the next two hours in the dentist chair smelling like bar and staring up at scenes from the bible listening to all the jesus oh so they had adorned the ceiling with jesus iconography it was wow so did this dentist did he send you out with a smile i mean he's got to make fake crowns or veneers it was actually really impressive so i needed a root canal because i did kill one of my roots so i had to do that and then they had to brine down all four of the teeth so that they could put veneers on yeah that's kind of fun see it's an excuse to get veneered veneers have you had to have them replaced i already had to have them replaced once so that first time was on my parents dime and then this last time was not they're pricey right they are you want nice ones well you have nice ones your teeth look great thank you my husband said that i need to make sure i brush them before i talk to you guys oh that was nice of him what i'm mad about in these post-apocalyptic shows is they don't show people whose veneers have fallen out like there should be a good percentage of the people in post-apocalyptic america who have the shark teeth i really need to store up on like the dental glue just in case yeah you're gonna want to be able to put them back in there other people be grabbing water and stuff and you'll be grabbing fix a dent or whatever it's called oh well katie it's lovely meeting you lovely meeting you guys too thank you so much for all you do oh our pleasure for listening all right take care you too goodbye bye all right love you have fun at the bar tonight anyone who's uh going out try to keep your teeth yeah be safe out there don't get in any fights use a high quality fake id if you must and condom all right love you do you want to sing a tune or something we don't have a theme song oh okay great we don't have a theme song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions on the fly ryan fish we are supported by allstate checking allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance not checking what the warning light means before pulling out of your driveway you absolutely convince yourself it was probably just a sensor thing right up 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