Armchair Anonymous: Bad Roommate II

Well, welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Patman. Hi. Today we have Bad Roommates Part 2. Tell us a crazy story about a bad roommate. They're everywhere, these bad roommates. You got to be careful. What I applaud and what we loved was one of our armchairs was the bad roommate. Oh, I know. Yeah, that was great. That was. I really like that. When we have these prompts, people, you know, we do a lot of foreign objects in body, and I'd like to do way more of them. Sure. But I really want to hear from someone who had the foreign object in their body. I would, too. I know that's high risk, but I feel like this is a safe place. It's high risk, low reward. Sure. But we want it. Almost zero. We still want it. No reward, maybe. Please enjoy Bad Roommate. We get support from Quince. I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait. I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince. Because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60. $60. $60 for cashmere. That you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real. But it is. Because they go straight to the factories. They skip the middlemen. And they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time. The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time. And he looks iconic. It's a uniform. And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding. They have cooking, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair App. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is presented by YouTube Premium. YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. Now let's get into today's episode. Hard times come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. But one thing, you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Hello. Oh, there she be. Hi. Is this Alyssa? This is Alyssa. Okay, your hair looks phenomenal. It really does. I just got really self-conscious. Oh, you did? Because it looks so good? Yeah. Your hair looks great too. No, it's like not good today. No, it's good. Don't look at it. You both look great. Alyssa, where are you? I'm in Sandpoint, Idaho. Ooh. Sandpoint, Idaho. What's the biggest city close? Spokane, Washington is 30 minutes. The upper panhandle, I'm like an hour from Canada. Wow, you're close to a lot of things. Close to Bountiful. Yes, I'm close to Montana, Washington, Canada. I don't know if you're familiar. I'm from South Coral Lane, Idaho. Sure, yeah. I'm a member of many white nationalist groups that meet up there. Oh, wonderful. Yeah, yeah. We have a couple of annual rides that I attend. Maybe that's your bad roommate story. Could be. Oh, no. Are you from there or did you move there? I'm from here, yeah. I've lived in various other places, but I recently, three years ago, moved back home and I met my now partner, father of my child, soon to be husband. Wonderful. Okay, so where does your bad roommate story take place? In Spokane, actually. So there is kind of a series of stories about this person leading up to this one story that was kind of like the final straw for me. So this takes place in 2016. I was 23 at the time. I had just moved home from Portland, Oregon. I was living with my parents and I was desperate to not be living with my parents anymore. To give some context, this was a phase in my life. I had. A whole head of dreadlocks. I was fully vegan. Oh, fun. Were you like a Portland street kid? Were you like rolling around in the dirt with the dreads? If this gives any context, the people that I hung out with were the type of people that played the didgeridoo and did hula hoop dancing and fire staff dancing. The didgeridoo? Yeah, this is like a hybrid. You know, it's the weird, goofy. I honestly don't know. It's like a big thing that you blow into and it's like tribal. Oh. This sounds like some weird hybrid of like Renson folks and carnival people and Grateful Dad all mashed into a very politically charged city, Portland. It was a very interesting season in my life and I was in like my whole wellness journey. So I was taking shots of apple cider vinegar every morning and that will come into play later on in the story. Oh, okay. Right. Very health conscious, very natural, very crunchy. So I had moved back to my parents' house, which is in Idaho, but I had a whole friend group. It's in Spokane, only like 30 minutes away, started dating this guy and obviously we had like a mutual friend group and there was a girl who was moving out of her house. She was going to go travel and she was looking for someone to take over her lease and her room and I was going to inherit her roommate. So we seemed like we had enough in common. This is going to be great. You know, she seemed like a cool girl. We had hung out a couple of times. Very quickly, I noticed this person was kind of lacking social cues, the ability to kind of understand what was going on. Especially when it comes to roommates. The first thing that kind of was a red flag for me, I had just moved in and my friends were helping me and we were going to go get some lunch. So we invited her, my new roommate, to come with us. She had asked to borrow a cardigan. I told her, go ahead, grab one from my closet. And she ended up grabbing my favorite vintage thrifted cashmere cardigan. Oh, my God. That's fine. I'm happy to share. I want to. I want to confirm the red flag, which is, you just met the person. You're like, hey, I need to borrow. You already lived there. Like, if a dude moved into my house, I was like, hey, I need to borrow a leather jacket. That's strange. Girls do borrow clothes. I mean, one thing if she was visiting your house and got chilly, but she's next to her own closet. I know, but like, girls do that. I want your clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have your clothes. Can I have them? So she grabbed a cardigan. We're walking and she actually worked at this pub restaurant that we were walking to. And as we're walking there, it's June in Spokane, it's kind of chilly, kind of warm. It's warming up throughout the day. We're walking and she goes, oh, it's getting hot. And she takes my cardigan off and she looks at me as she says this and wipes her armpits with my cardigan. No. No. Oh, wow. She's savage. And me and my friend looked at each other. We were like, what? Who does that? You know, like maybe in private, right? Like if I wasn't looking like maybe a quick, but looks me in my eyes and wipes her sweaty armpits. What color was it? I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't matter. I just really want to know. It was like a creamy tan. Cute. Okay. Yellow. Ew. Yeah. And white with hopefully deodorant paste. I don't think she wore deodorant. Yeah. Well. We were crunchy. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's not healthy. Yeah. It's not healthy. It's very dangerous. We then get to the restaurant. She works there. So she gets a discount. And her manager was our server and she ended up ordering garlic bread, you know, just a side. And our tabs come and she asks if anybody has any change. And my friend Chelsea gives her her wallet and she proceeds to take out every piece of change besides the pennies and pays for her entire tab with Chelsea's change. What? Doesn't leave a tip. Wow. So again, we're like, okay, these two things have happened in the span of two hours. These are red flags. I should have known, but I stayed in the house. I gave it my best shot. There was another time I came home, had been drinking. Had been partying all night, came home early on like seven or eight. And my mattress had been pulled out of my room and onto the living room floor. And she was having like a sleepover on my mattress. Oh, I didn't have like a mattress to go sleep on. What the fuck? With one of her pals or her and a pal? Like a bunch of friends, some girlfriends, some guy friends. She would eat my leftovers. You know, like I would bring home leftovers from a restaurant. She would eat it, which I think is just kind of odd. This gives some context as to what I'm dealing with. Yeah. One straw that broke the camel's back was when I came home one day after working, we had been living together maybe like three months at this point. We both had cats. My cat was mostly an indoor cat. He only really went outside with me. And when I had gotten home, I had noticed that the screen door was open and my cat was gone. And so I go to find my roommate and she's sitting on the couch and I asked her, you know, like, where's Jasper? Have you seen him? And she was like, oh yeah, he got ran up a tree by the neighbor's dogs. He's totally fine. I'm sure he'll come back soon. I'm mad at this point and I neglect to notice that she has her hands down her pants. Oh my goodness. when I noticed this after I've kind of like okay whatever my cat will come back I go what's wrong and it's then that I see my bottle of apple cider vinegar sitting on the floor open and she looks at me and she has this kind of look on her face like her eyebrows are scrunched and she goes and takes her hands out of her pants has a rag on her hand puts said rag on the rim of my apple cider vinegar flips the bottle upside down then proceeds to put the rag back down her pants as she says I think I have hemorrhoids oh even worse I thought she was on her vagina for something but she's on her rectum yeah oh I thought she was masturbating oh my god well sure first stop is like and she's using both hands good for her on her butthole she was applying from the lip of the container I'm surprised she didn't just put the container up to her anus also how many times has she done that right and you know that's funny because I was just telling my partner the story yesterday and he goes well hemorrhoids don't just like pop up has she been treating her hemorrhoids this way with your bottle of apple cider vinegar like previously exactly and you've been drinking it so yeah so there's a chance that I have consumed her it doesn't matter but I definitely need some of a visual yeah you want to know if she's cute or not like is she normal looking or does she look insane totally normal looking definitely a stereotype like you would look at her and go okay like I can kind of guess maybe what she does in her free time I think at this phase in her life she is a part of a circus if that gives any an actual circus or that's a term for like a sex cult okay it's not like that's not a euphemism okay and what was her talent hemorrhoids she had these like fans that had fire balls you know she would like dance okay so hold on it's possible if I could make my best case for her she might have like an extremely high arousal setting like she's just dead if she doesn't juggle fire or fucking push these social boundaries like she's dying inside if she doesn't rattle herself with all this absurdity it just seemed like she was so comfortable in her own skin that she wasn't phased by anything she had this glass dildo we would have house parties and her dildo was just always next to her bed with like a bottle of coconut oil and she wouldn't like put it away you know she just didn't care yeah and props to her for that I need some space right oh how did you end this well first of all did your cat get retrieved was it in a tree to be honest with you I don't even remember what happened after this I just blacked out I have no memory of what happened with my cat obviously he was fine because nothing happened to him that day it didn't end well because I moved in with her because I wanted to not live with my parents I went back to my parents house to get out of this living situation do you remember telling her like I just need to save more money what was your excuse I'm not good with confrontation I was very polite but I did send a very very long I think maybe Facebook message or text message to her just explaining next time you have a roommate maybe these are things to think about yeah mm-hmm constructive criticism did she respond she did and I don't think she was faced by it again she was kind of like this was normal stuff like what are you talking about yeah I feel bad for you huh and I'm envious of her I'm not me too yeah right just why you're well because I'm riddled with thinking about what other people think about me and clearly this well there's a reason because that that person just repels every single person that's around you know what I was doing most of your story I was very paying attention and dialed in but also I was making a lot of room for envisioning you with the dreadlocks my conclusion was you looked very cute with dreadlocks and I'm sure you were a really fun hang probably coming home hammered with the dreadlocks it was a good run you know I don't think they would suit my personality now but at the time they were great no one likes them anymore for white folks and that's fine I accept it but yeah I had them myself tell me isn't it the greatest hairdo because there's nothing to be done that part of thinking is done it is great and they always look good mm-hmm they're not for me I bet you look pretty cool if you had dreads and then shaved the side yeah you've added that and then packed the lip shirt no I think you could rock it yeah thank you tiger side well I'm sorry that happened that lady's nuts yeah I want to meet her I have to give a quick shout out I promised her I would my friend Sarah she's my childhood best friend she got me into armchair expert armchair anonymous shout out to Sarah we love Sarah thank you Sarah Sarah proselytizing keep it up you're in an MLM and you have whatever they're called below you I don't know oh yeah she's top of the period all right well congratulations on the baby and the marriage and I'm so happy for you and it's lovely to meet you thank you love to meet you guys are you a Max Verstappen fan David I'm actually a Sergio fan I don't like rooting for the front runner oh sure yeah I always was rooting for Sergio and I think he was never given the best opportunity in history showed that he was faster than we thought we just didn't realize how fast Max was exactly so David where are you you have a beautiful background but that's not to say that's representative of where you live it actually is it's not too far away from where I live I'm in upstate New York right outside Albany but that was a fall hike in uh Lake George oh wow it's absolutely stunning so you took this picture yes wow yeah for the listener behind David there is just a gorgeous thousand acres of forest followed by a beautiful Lake that seems very natural Shoreline I had moved back here unexpectedly after not living in this area for 20 years and I realize how much I missed being up in the mountains yeah you get reminded okay so you have a crazy roommate story and where did it take place it took place in Astoria Queens in New York City so it was February 2006 when Craigslist was at its peak and what was the most important thing for you and what were you doing in Queens had you taken a job there or were you just loitering I was working in Manhattan at a luxury hotel as a bell captain which one the western and Times Square oh wonderful what was the biggest tip you ever received as a bell captain probably like a hundred dollars it was never anything too crazy fun job that feels fun oh it was so much fun we had a lot of baseball teams that would stay with us basketball teams got to know a lot of players have a lot of good stories that way as well anyone check in with like a large cage in an animal not that I remember okay okay so you're working at the hotel sorry sorry so met these two guys on Craigslist that were looking for a third roommate we're in our 20s we don't have many cares we get along things like that but their friends that they grew up with live upstairs and they've converted the dining room into a fourth bedroom so in Queens you have a lot of railroad style apartments in our 20s we had no need for a dining room so we decided we'd put up a wall like they did and convert that into a fourth bedroom which gave us more drinking money at the end of the day sure at 26 years old we get support from our presenting sponsor YouTube premium now you already know I'm a big YouTube person uh it's incredible on its own but premium makes the whole experience feel enhanced like you don't realize how much better it can get until you try it the biggest game changer for me background play I love long two-hour deep dives uh you name it motorcycles uh travel cars cooking shows for me cooking listen with premium you don't have to keep the screen open so I can lock my phone slide it into my pocket and listen to a podcast while I'm folding laundry or working out it's also completely ad 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skims so Monica just informed me that she's a girl's girl and I nodded like I knew exactly what that was yeah but the girls who get it they get it okay but for those of us who are clearly not girls walk me through it well you know how much I love my skims fleece joggers because the plush fleece is so soft it's cozy it's really comfortable without feeling too heavy well I lent a friend them and she would not stop talking about how comfy they were she almost didn't give them back to me which was upsetting but I'm a girl's girl so I let her have it okay great great great so the sleep sets are awesome because they are very soft and comfortable but they're cute if I'm in my sleep set I feel fine about going down the street to pick up my food I'm still looking cute but I'm comfy and I'm cozy Roger a really fun thing to do is if you're going on vacation your girlfriends to get matching Skims pajamas. I've done this with Callie and it is so fun. First of all, the pics are so cute, but also it's just fun and friendship. So a girl's girl is looking out for your friends with better loungewear. I get it. Am I one of your girls now? You are. You and the other girlies can shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at Skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows. We get support from Zip Recruiter. I'll get recruiting. You guys know me. Mornings are my thing. Little hacks like scheduling my coffee to brew ahead of time or prepping my workout shake the night before. Small stuff that gave me back real minutes to actually be productive. We all have our own time saving hacks for everyday life. But if you're a business owner, how can you save time hiring? Zip Recruiter. 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Running can be freeing and cathartic and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling freeing and cathartic helps you feel all of that. Wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic. Plus, they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run. Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at OnePeloton.com. So we agreed to put up a listing on Craigslist for the fourth roommate, my two other roommates, they were in constant communication with me picked a day that they were going to be interviewing for this fourth roommate. I'm working that night that they're starting the interviews for the fourth roommate, but I get onto the subway and get there as quick after work as possible. And we end up meeting in what's going to be our apartment. And they said we found the perfect roommate. It's this college student senior. The only thing is, is he has a circumstance that he has to get into this room like next week. And our landlord had given us the keys to the apartment, but we weren't moving in until March 1. Don't think much of it just okay, cool. He's given us the first month's last month's and security deposit. We have that in our pocket and let him move in. Fast forward to move in day he's already moved in. My two other roommates and I agreed to rent to U-Haul. We'll move all our stuff that day return the U-Haul. We picked up a 12 pack of beer and some pizza and unpacked the apartment full of boxes. The student roommate joined us for a slice and a beer but really was introverted didn't really have much to say and went back to his room just always not as social as we thought he was. About a week later, we haven't seen our student roommate for a few days. My one roommate calls and texts him with no answer from him. We're not like crazy worried at this point probably should have been a little bit more worried. It's New York City. It's safe. We've never been in any trouble. One day, my roommate Ryan he gets home from work who's been texting this newer roommate and he gets a call from his friend who lives upstairs and this is when DVR is brand new on cable in 2006 as well. He goes I paused the TV you have to come up and watch this right now. I'm at work in the middle of my shift and Ryan texts me I need to talk to you ASAP. It was early on in cell phones always on you at all times. So we had a work policy of no cell phones at the time. But we had this enormous luggage room. We had a corner there that we could sneak away and always take a phone call or a text. So get into the luggage storage room. Ryan, the first thing comes out of his mouth is are you sitting down? And my reply is was our roommate found dead? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes no worse. Oh, what? Oh, I know. The only other worse thing. Two other worse. Oh, I wonder who's right. Do we want to say it on three? Okay. One, two, three. Murder or pedophilia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, there's two worse than being dead. Exactly. So the FBI has actually arrested him on crossing lines for child pedophilia. Oh, and the reason we even said that is we just had an expert on and they were saying, yeah, the only thing I'm Americans hold in worse regard than a murderer is a pedophile. It's the lowest. And it made the news. It was one of the top stories on the news that night. So we were in New York City and he had crossed state lines to Connecticut. Oh, my God. Yeah. So my reaction was the same way. I was like, what the fuck? So I went to my manager. I asked to leave early for a family emergency, quote unquote. And she gave me the okay. I changed out of my uniform and got on the subway as quickly as possible. I get home. My roommate, Ryan, who called me, looked like he had seen a ghost and showed me the clip. And he was the one who reached out to the FBI. Oh, he turned him in. Well, no, the FBI caught him. But because he was our fourth roommate, he wanted to find out, like, what's the next thing? The FBI told him, do not touch anything in his room because everything is evidence. My next thought was our landlord lives in our building. She was going to find out when the FBI shows up and we're going to get kicked out. We're not even a month in. to this lease yet. Luckily, the FBI came in pretty discreetly to pick up the evidence as well as interview Ryan. He gave the details about how he was rushing to move in. We didn't know anything else about him. Ryan stayed in contact with the lead agent for a while. Again, this is before even Google search became a thing. So I Yahoo searched that roommate that got arrested and saw that our address was on the sexual offenders website. Oh, geez. Oh, boy. And we're all in our early professional careers. So I had Ryan reach out to the FBI agent to get that all settled. But we did end up finding a fourth roommate a few months later who was amazing. She wanted to be a Broadway singer. Good for her. She moved in with three dudes. At a sex offenders on the registry. Previously labeled. Oh, my God. Yeah, she's ballsy. You know, that's New York real estate. It's hard. It's hard. That is insane. Did you guys find out any of the details of what he was up to? Was he even a college student? He was actually a computer science major. Oh, no. It was with a minor. It was pretty crazy. Do you think the minor was ever in your apartment? No. Our understanding is that part of how he got caught was he commuted to Connecticut to meet up with said person. Ah, that is a nightmare. Yeah, I know. I didn't think I would say this. But we've had two of these and I'd much prefer someone put my apple cider vinegar up their asshole than this as a roommate. If you have to pick. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Am I able to give a shout out? Yeah. Of course. Awesome. I listen to you guys all the time. I even have an A.E. Cherry personalized license plate. Oh, my goodness. Me too. That is so sweet. Mine says arm cherry. Oh, nice. Yeah, mine says A.E. Cherry. Oh, we can start a car club. There we go. Let's start selling them. But I had to give a shout out to the person who got me into this podcast. His name is Scotty Johnson. I think you have a friend, Scotty Johnson. I have a best friend. I just got chills when you said that. I thought it was maybe the same person. I was thinking, could it be the same Scotty Johnson? But it's not. And kind of sim. He was the gym owner of the gym I went to in Miami. And he's now relocated to Detroit, Michigan. Oh, that is really weird. I hope Scotty Johnson and Scotty Johnson run into each other. Me too. Well, shout out Scotty. Shout out Scotty Johnson. And I want to be on record. Yeah, if I've ever stolen anyone's personality, it was Scott Johnson. Yeah, he has a great personality. He made me a lot better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and then, Dax, I just want to thank you for all the father advice you give. I'm a single father to a four and a half year old daughter. Oh, congrats. That's awesome. You have a four year old little girl. Are you having so much fun? The best time ever. The full on conversations are the best. Yes. I'm trying to get her into armchair expert. Oh. But it's more listening to music. It's more listening to blippy than it is armchair expert. Sure, sure, sure. For now. Give it a couple of years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, anonymous, I think, is the gateway. Yeah, exactly. Well, David, it's lovely meeting you. I'm so happy for you. Yeah, thank you so much. All right. Take care. Is it Bitney Bridge? Oh, my God. Yes. Hello. How are you guys? I'm great. What does your sweatshirt say, Brittany? It says I need a diet coke. Yeah, girl. Good sweatshirt. I figured you would appreciate that. I always have. one handy what do they call them fridge sigs oh yeah yeah exactly Truer words have never been spoken. It's true. Brittany, where are you at? I'm in San Diego, so not too far from you guys. Okay, and you have an exciting, you're in an office, there's a cocktail cart, there's a weird head mask. Oh, is there a Star Wars fan in the house? Is that what's going on? It's Avatar the Last Airbender. It's an Appa. We have a dog that's named Appa. Okay, so you guys love Airbender. Yes, the original, the cartoon. Oh, okay. You had a bad roommate. Please tell us about it. Absolutely. I don't love the term bad roommate. It was just a wild roommate story. Love that. I will clarify later. Maybe that will make sense why I want to make that distinction. But let's go back to early May 2020. So this is peak pandemic. This is that phase where we're home 24-7. People are watching Tiger King. Oh, yeah. We are making banana bread, drinking a lot. But also a time where your home life becomes more important than usual because you're home 24-7. So I was 30 at the time, working full-time, navigating remote work and what that looks like. I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend of two years, but we did not live together at this time. We had had conversations about it. I wasn't quite ready. So ultimately, I was living with random roommates by the beach. So on a Thursday night, early May, about 1.30 in the morning, I get a call from an unknown number. So I answer, and on the other end of the line is a police officer. I am a little alarmed, but he says, like, I'm outside of. I'm outside of your house, and he asked if I was safe. Oh! I'm like, yes, I am safe. I'm confused. I thought I was safe until you called. Exactly. So then I walked to my front door and opened it, and slowly the scene starts to come into focus. And I realized that my house is surrounded by police officers with guns and spotlights pointing at my house. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. This is kind of my dream wake-up. No. Trade places with me. Yeah. She didn't like that. I'm like, oh, man, something's really happening. Time to be awake. It has burned into my brain as one of the crazier things that have happened. How many cops do you think are out there? At least a dozen. Oh, my God. Okay, they got the whole department. Let's rewind a few weeks. So now we're in April, even earlier in the pandemic, and one of our roommates was actually from another country. So I don't know if you guys remember, there were travel bans that were going on, right, where there were countries you could and couldn't travel to. The travel ban got lifted. And she was like, I have to leave now or I'm going to get stuck. And we were like, okay, we totally understand. Never fun to have to, like, suddenly find a roommate. But we live in a pretty desirable area. We haven't really had issues finding roommates in the past. So we post an ad on Craigslist. I know there's lots of horror stories about that, but that's actually how I found the room. That's how we've been doing it for years. Never really had any issues. I've found some good fits. So we interview someone. Let's call her Jamie. I actually go to where she's living. Well, that's very proactive of you. Yeah, this was smart. I meet one of her friends. We talk. Seems like a good enough fit. When can you move in? So she comes in. The first couple weeks are going really well. She's very clean. She'd, like, cook for us and share food. Great roommate perks. Can't ask for much more. She does talk a lot. It becomes clear that she's going through a breakup. She's grieving that. Kind of taking a toll on her mental health, which I totally understand. I'm trying to be supportive of her. But I also actually am a therapist for a living. Wow. I work with foster kids. Oh, my gosh. Good job. I couldn't be her therapist, right? I was like, I. I have to set some boundaries, but also want to show up for you how I can. But also, like, you're a random roommate. You know? Yeah. Trying to kind of navigate that. But again, a couple weeks, things are going well. And then one night, in the middle of the night, we get a group text. So between me, Jamie, and then our other roommate. And she says, I've had enough of this shit. Five straight nights, I'm moving out. What? And I'm, like, racking my brain. Like, what is this about? Is maybe her and my other roommate having conflict I'm not privy to? I got up to pee. I was like, did I wait? Did I wake her up? And, like, that was frustrating. Like, I have no idea. So I text my other roommate, and I'm like, any idea what this is about? And she's like, well, it's late. Like, we should all kind of talk tomorrow. But she is hearing conversations about her, and it isn't very comfortable. And I'm like, okay. I mentioned I do have a boyfriend that I spend time with. He comes over sometimes. But he was not there that night and hadn't been the last couple of nights. And we had never talked about her. Right. Not a single time. So, like, this isn't happening. The next day, I talked to her, tried to reassure her, like, this is not happening. We are not going to do this. We are not talking about you. I'm sorry if you feel that way. He wasn't here. And then slowly, as we're kind of talking more, it's becoming clear that she is having some auditory hallucinations. Oh, my God. So not only that my boyfriend and I are talking about her, but that my boyfriend is, like, threatening me. Oh, fuck. Okay. I would like to add a disclaimer that my boyfriend is the most wonderful, nonviolent man. There is no reason for her to think this. It was just very clear she was projecting her own trauma onto, like, the nearest relationship. Oh, my God. Psychosis. I'm kind of talking to her throughout the day, saying, like, hey, has this happened before? She almost maybe, like, seems a little embarrassed. Like, no, I'm a therapist. I'm providing education on grounding techniques. Is she becoming open to the idea that maybe she imagined them or no? It seems that way, I think, in the first conversation. And so, again, I'm kind of talking through, like, normalizing that being anxiety provoking. If she says this hasn't happened before, we're in, like, the evening now. So I also offer, hey, my boyfriend is not here. I'm going to leave my door open. So my door was, like, right next to hers, catty corner. So I leave my door open. She can peek in if she wants, if she's feeling unsafe. And I let her know, like, hey, the next morning, I'm aware of some community-based mental health resources. Let's get you some support. You're the dream roommate for this. I honestly am glad it happened to me because I feel like I had maybe some more tools to handle and deal with that. We get support from our sponsor. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundeo or for Glipron. Foundeo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off. Foundeo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundeo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundeo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. 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That's helixsleep.com slash armchair for 20% off site-wide. helixsleep.com slash armchair. So I go to bed that night, and now let's cut to the earlier scene. About an hour after I had fallen asleep, I guess she had called the police and told them that my boyfriend was in the home with a rifle. Oh. Oh. and he had pointed at her and was now holding me hostage. Oh, my God. This is the point I try to make with my sympathy to police. They don't know what the fuck is going on ever. They just show up and they have to assume that's the scenario. They were responding as if it was like an active shooter. Which I'm glad. I'm glad they were. Absolutely. But hence all the guns and manpower in that situation. They were responding as if that was the case. So I walk outside and talk to the police officers and I kind of give them my perspective. I let them know it's been come clear the last couple of days that she seems to be experiencing some auditory hallucinations. It seems like now she's experiencing some visual hallucinations as well. They pretty quickly believed me, but they were like, we do have to clear the house. So they asked me to follow them as they're going in with large weapons, like clearing my closet and the garage and making sure, right, that I am telling the truth. Obviously, he was not there. They did tell me they found like a large butcher knife in her bag. Oh! That she said was to defend herself. So that was a little alarming. Well, I remember learning in college that the schizophrenics that had been put in prison for murder, almost without exception, they believed sincerely like the town was poisoning them. It's always self-defense. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like never just, I want to kill that person. Yeah. Yes. And that was kind of her idea. She was telling cops like, what would you do in this situation? Oh, my God. If someone is targeting you and threatening you and pulling someone hostage, I need to have something to protect myself. This also shines a light. little bit of light on how the previous relationship probably dissolved the boyfriend was probably like okay i gotta get off this ride yeah she has some psychosis yeah yeah yeah or it was she had a traumatic experience with that partner and was unsafe and was maybe threatened with weapons to where she didn't feel safe and now her brain is kind of in that fight or flight mode right of like i'm in survival mode because of those experiences that she's been through oh horrible yeah so they end up pulling us all in a room i'm kind of hoping this will help alleviate some anxiety like he is not here but she's like pretty you're a good girl you tell them the truth you know this is happening he's hiding in a car around the corner like just very vividly still feeling as though this was happening my other roommate corroborated the story they were able to take her for a psychiatric evaluation and then the next morning i actually get a call from the psych hospital and they're like hey can she come home does she have a place and i'm like i mean is she still believing this is she still feeling as though she needs to defend herself so they do end up actually releasing her pretty quickly she texts me and says like i'm on the way home and i have the police with me and i need to see your room at this point i'm like feverishly packing we're home 24 7 i'm working from home like i have meetings that day it is not sustainable for me to stay here in this environment i'm trying to get out of the house before she gets there but i don't she comes in surprise surprise the police are not with her i like show her my room and then i'm like show her my room and then i let her know like hey i'm gonna be leaving i will not be here my boyfriend will not be here for an indefinite period of time i will leave my doors open please like i want you to feel safe we'll connect later so now in the middle of a pandemic i end up couch surfing between like friends and my boyfriend's house even like my boyfriend's mom's house in la like just kind of trying to find safe spaces where i can continue working and figuring out what's going on i'm of course staying in touch with my roommate who is still at the house and i'm like she tells me she is now repeatedly calling the cops and continuing to state these things why aren't they committing her well they end up not coming to the house every time because they are starting to see that pattern to my knowledge they never like connected her with mental health resources apparently she was like looking under our house for me and like in nearby buildings and she actually then started sticking burned notes under my door i actually sent a couple pictures of those right here yeah if you want to look at them yes i do oh boy yeah and then i'm like this is so scary you can imagine like in a psychic eval just seeing these notes you'd be like yep i see what's going on exactly like she needs to be placed on a hold for sure it's ranging from like leave her alone to like go ahead and do it so that feels like threatening of like you're telling him to kill me i don't know oh my god it says i'll take a bullet for her i want her to stay with us now oh my god this is very upsetting i want me to get to you you sound like you don't stop narrating anything do it asshole been waiting and she also like was saying she was like recording us i was talking over the story with my sister and she was like that was the part where i was like i don't care about covid i'm getting on a plane to come out she was like the burn notes was kind of a next level for me anything and everything starts seeming possible yes and she is like sending like kind of threatening texts we also find out in the midst of all of this that she never paid rent so she had told us numerous times that she had we had been there again for like years at that point the landlord never told us until we got an eviction notice of pay or you're going to be kicked out of your home in the middle and we had actually contacted them about this situation and they were like not so helpful and never told us that we had outstanding rent so that was just kind of an added stressor yeah all of this is like okay are we gonna have to then pay for her portion of the rent so we can stay so ultimately we ended up having to like reach out to her mom on facebook who lived across the country and we're just like hey this is kind of the situation it seems like she really needs support these things are are not happening like this has been verified by the police i'm not just saying this her mom does end up flying out ultimately after a few weeks and a few more eventful things she did move out and i do just very much want to add that disclaimer of like i have no bad feelings toward her nothing but empathy i hope that she got the support that she needs and that she is stable and i obviously am a huge mental health advocate this is my passion and what i do for a living and never want to be disparaging this was just a crazy thing yes absolutely did the mom take her back i'm not a hundred percent sure i do think that was what they were going to do is bring her home more than she could hopefully get connected to therapists and medication support and whatever she needed you know the whole story just reminds me how much we need other people oh my god you need a mom you know you need someone to call that can be like oh yeah i'll drop everything or even like a best friend real people in your life to help you i think that's tough about even living in san diego like we don't have family here there's a lot of transplants where you come here because san diego is a beautiful amazing city with lots of fun things to do but there is sometimes a lack of community in that way that is yeah very essential especially in these situations i actually like ended up flying home after that just to kind of yeah also get a little bit of like a breather and space and then in the midst of all of this actually my boyfriend we were on one of those trips down from la to san diego from staying with his moms he proposed to me a fun story all the jewelry stores were closed and i was like oh my god i'm gonna go to san diego so he actually proposed with the diamond in like a ring pop setting which is kind of a fun that we have from that time and we've been married five years i have a precious two and a half year old oh congrats we are very very happy this was a small little blip in a very privileged life you have such an amazing attitude i appreciate that that's all we can do in these situations and again we're humans first and so always want to hold space for that i did have another quick anecdote if we have time that i think i also sent pictures of so my husband in 2020 surprised me with front row tickets to see you guys at the wiltern i think it was armchair and dangerous oh which was so much fun but the coolest thing actually happened after so i'm a huge kristen bell fan as many of us are she actually posted a picture from that show and my husband and i are in the background so i like to say kristen which was like the most exciting thing that could happen oh that's great and my husband actually sent me a picture of the show is here i don't know if you want to say hello hello hi what a nice man you are to have gotten those tickets for her that was really fun you obviously met this roommate oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that was a fun story it all worked out and hopefully she's doing well we don't keep in touch with everybody yeah yeah hopefully all right well lovely meeting you guys yeah so fun bye thank you guys so much for your time have a great rest of your day hello where is this photo that is your backdrop tuscany oh the photo is one of the few things that turned out great with that story but that's a scam episode although there were some bad roommates there too where are you at daniel so i currently live in eastern washington my story is about portland oh and is that where you're from i'm from near there and lived most of my early adult hood in portland we had another portland story also bad roommates i believe it there's a lot of bad roommates in portland there's a lot of young people with dreadlocks and not wearing deodorant that's right yeah okay please walk us through portland what year so this was around 2005 2006 i was trying to figure out exactly when it was i think it might have been a summertime and i was the bad roommate oh wonderful i'm so glad oh someone's owning it what is oh my god i just what if you're the person from the portland yeah that would be hilarious oh my god okay let's hear it you need a little bit of background so at the time i was in portland finishing my undergrad and i was working too much going to school too much certainly not getting enough sleep and the background to that is that a few years before i had an intruder i was living with some friends someone came into our home and came into my bedroom turned on the lights and i woke up just primal scream went into attack mode he left we weren't really sure if it was like an accidental situation or if he bad intentions we never really did figure it out they never found him but certainly created a lot of problems for me with sleep yeah i ended up with ptsd and a combination of pre-existing sleep disorders just magnified ended up with night terrors in combination with nightmares usually people have one or the other but i was very lucky and got a big combination of frequent nightmares about intruders and added demons to the picture and would wake up screaming an example that i often give is one time i woke up screaming bloody bruised in front of a bookshelf that i had a bunch of like trinkets from travels around the world and they were all broken like oh oh wow you're also your night terrors are like you're waking up but you're still asleep but you're wreaking havoc and then you're coming to and realizing you've wreaked havoc yeah so i had a long history of sleepwalking talking and then that coupled with this ptsd just made a big giant mess oh i don't want to make light of it but i do want to see a reality show of just you moving around your bedroom at nine has it ever crossed your mind to maybe put some night vision cameras and have a show 20 years ago it would have been fascinating now it's just me checking on my babies i actually don't have night terrors very often anymore maybe once a year rather than once a week or more but that's the background yeah going on for a couple of years well sorry one more question about night terrors did you ever wake up like far from the house were you always pretty much in or around the house always in or around the house i did go through a phase where i would unlock and relock the door unfortunately that didn't last very long but i never left and my sleep specialists would say we need to make sure that you aren't sleeping upstairs or you know the keys are locked and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god where you can't get them those kind of things but fortunately i never had to do that and i never severely injured myself yeah we interviewed a guy who ran through a plate glass window from the second store yeah i could have very much been in danger of that i think how scary you're going down to bed you have to be afraid of what's going to happen once you fall asleep it's probably that stress also adds to it it's like a bad cycle yeah it does and it becomes a really bad cycle because you're afraid to go to sleep because you don't know what's going to happen but then the insomnia makes it so much worse these are the makings of a night terrors you have a bad roommate yes continue yes yes my very sweet roommate was really terrible about locking the door also that's how i ended up with the intruder in the first place was a door didn't get locked and so i became a little bit obsessive about locking doors for a while and so that just would start off a whole cycle so we had gone through a week of her not locking the door a couple of times and she worked late and was also in a band and so would be out late a band practice and then maybe bring people back you know that kind of thing not a great combination we also lived in a part of portland that is known for its seedier side so lots of drugs being done on the side of the road lots of sex workers not really safe but it's what we could afford and it was a really noisy night and i went to bed it was hot i had the windows open and i must have been hearing her come in it was really hard to come in quietly where we like went to bed and i was like oh my god i don't remember that but i woke up and i was hearing her say stop danielle it's me over and over and over again and i had a really large lamp in my hand and i had it raised up to basically hit her with it oh my god i thought it was somebody coming in to attack us yeah it would have been really bad if i hadn't woken up because i'm 5 11 and she's around 5 11 and i'm like oh my god oh and that is the story of how i almost killed my that is so scary okay when you came to were you like horrified like i could have really hurt you what if i actually had a real weapon what if i had hit you it was that she was so understanding so kind about it but i felt so afraid of what i might do in my sleep for a long time yeah what do you do how do you even address that lock yourself in your bedroom i can tell you what i did and she was a really sweet guard dog she would just lay by the door be very protective if anybody came to the door or ever talked to me like in a breezeway but otherwise if i would wake up screaming she didn't respond she just would kind of like lift her head up and then go back to sleep and that did more healing work than any therapy or any medication which i hate to say i'm a psychologist that is absolutely what healed my brain i mean it makes sense because i think at the core right you're feeling very vulnerable and alone fearful and yeah and now you got a co-pilot yep you can offload some of the responsibility to her your brain feels safer and i didn't feel like anybody would ever come in when they heard this dog who sounded big mean and vicious but was really a sweetheart yeah you know i know there's a good point but we both need to take a moment and say these little dogs are so special sometimes sometimes you did so much good for me yeah that's lovely i'm really just so happy to have the job like if you told a human like here's a sitch man i'm unraveling you gotta be my co-pilot maybe send me a night everyone would run yeah maybe fuck this but dog's like yeah i'm there man do i tell her very last day oh i thought the night terrors would come back after she passed but they couple i'm a new mom but it's been fine good i love that oh i love that you were the bad roommate yeah thanks yeah that's good that's big of you yeah i like that that's like kind of the worst roommate we could have very well heard that other side of the story i came in all of a sudden she came barging out with a lamp and threw me against the wall yeah drop it on my head good for her for being kind i had several roommates who were just so kind who would say just come get in bed with me we've been hearing a lot of good about humanity in this episode it's been affirming and bad ones when there was a pedophile okay can i say a couple of thank yous and a shout out jacks i'm so thankful for the way that you talk about addiction from a professional standpoint it's really helpful but also i have three siblings who struggle with alcohol addiction and for me day seven is so helpful from both of you to be able to go back and remind myself this is a process relapse happen i can be there for my family and also the reality is of how it feels to be on like monica's end of things you know it's always a good reminder so i've listened to that episode so many times in supporting my siblings and i'm so thankful for the way you talk about addiction and the way you share and you let other people share oh thank you our pleasure glad it was helpful yeah and monica race to 35 is an amazing gift so i'm a perinatal psychologist i've been supporting families in becoming families for a long time so people with fertility issues and pregnancy and postpartum problems but i myself it took 10 years for me to get my baby wow oh congratulations the egg retrieval process around the same time it was really cool to have that i wish that i had had that podcast when i was 35 yeah yeah it's a lot easier but i did get my little science baby i love that you share your process and even your process and thinking about like do i become a single mom do i not i'm a single mom by choice and it really works for me but i think so many more young women need to have that information because i think for some people it's way too late when they start and for me it almost didn't work for me so i think it's really important that work well i'm so glad it did yeah good job monica we hear that a lot i'm so proud of my buddy oh thank you and i have to shout out a former client who turned me on to your podcast she really from day one was talking about you guys and it was a really fun bunch of years that we spent talking i'm sure she'll know who she is oh shout out anonymous person i think anyone who gets you as a therapist is very lucky very oh thank you it's so nice meeting you danielle thanks for chatting with us thank you it's great to meet you guys all right congrats on your science baby all right bye bye god they're nice my daily tear up in free now to be a prick the rest of the day probably first of many all right i love you i love you do you want to sing a tune or something we don't have a theme song okay great song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rindish on the flyer rindish enjoy