Armchair Anonymous: Bad Customer

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Batman. Hi there. Today we have lots of stories, foreign facts, of bad, bad customers. Ooh. Naughty customers. Bad customer. I regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad, because in fact one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say. We could have done deviant customer. So naughty. So naughty. Okay. Oh, creepy. People have really dealt with a lot of stuff, you know? It's hard to be in customer service. It's a beatdown. It's a beatdown. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right? Yeah. Okay. Please enjoy naughty, bad customers. We get support from Quince. You know what I think about a lot? The stuff in my closet, I actually wear. Like not the trendy pieces, the sweater that goes with everything or the pants that fit perfectly, the tee you kind of just throw on without even thinking. That's what Quince does. They make those pieces. That's right. They have a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60. Organic cotton, merino wool, quality you'd expect from a luxury brand. Luxury without the luxury price tag. We love that. They skip the middlemen, go direct to ethical factories and pass those savings to you. We're talking 50 to 80% less than similar brands. I'm so excited for fall, simply because I love my cashmere sweaters from Quince. And I also got to add that right before I left Nashville, I was assigned the task of putting on a suit. I was assigned the task of putting all the bedding back on my children's bed and I got to fold first the Quince sheets and comforter, then unfolded them and put them in the entire time I was spreading it all out. I was like, by God, they really are so soft. It's crazy. They are. I also have a pair of sheets from Quince that are really, really good. And honestly, what sets Quince apart is that everything feels intentional. These are timeless, versatile pieces designed to be the dependable stuff you reach for day after day. You're not buying something just for right now. You're buying something that's going to be in your rotation for years. They've also got hotel quality bedding and bath, kitchen essentials, even furniture. So if you're doing any kind of refresh at home too, same quality, same prices across the board. Quince just gets it. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash dax. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com. Slash dax. We get support from superhuman. I'm someone who wants to do big, meaningful work, but the small stuff eats up my day before I even get to it. The endless emails, docs, scheduling, follow-ups that pile up. By the time all that's cleared, there's no energy left for the ambitious stuff. Most AI tools promise to fix that, but they require opening a new tab, re-explaining everything from scratch every single time. A week later, it's just another thing collecting dust in the browser. Superhuman. Superhuman from the makers of Grammarly is different. It's already embedded inside the tools people are using. Email, docs, browser. It's not waiting to be found. It's already there. Working alongside, clearing what's in the way so the focus stays on what's actually worth doing. A thought partner that's already up to speed. No catching it up. It knows the style, the workflows, and it backs people up without getting in the way. At your service, not after your job. That's the difference. Give it a try for yourself. Start streamlining your workflow. Close with Superhuman. Try today at superhuman.com. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them all. But one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Hello! Hello! Already a fun accent on the table. I'm from the UK. Oh, wonderful. Whereabouts? Manchester. Oh, wow. You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester, and he loves it. It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester, for sure. There's a bit of a competition between the Northerners and the Southerners in the UK, and I'm team Northern. I'm glad to hear that's standard with North and South, because Northern Californians hate Southern Californians. But we love them. And Jennifer. Generally, Northerners hate Southerners of the United States. Yes, there's obviously a very historic North-South issue in the US. So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left? Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time. So I live in Singapore. Oh, my goodness! Holy smokes! What are you doing in Singapore? I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting. It's been an exciting year. Wow! Congratulations! That's a big deal. Will you be a spectator at the Formula One race that's coming in a few weeks? Oh, yes. We go every year. There's one in Singapore? Yeah. Not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race. Cool! It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it. And have you stayed at that place? What's it called? Like the Marina Bay or something? Marina Bay Sands. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit. And they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing. Wow, that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore. Oh, yeah? It's been on her list as long as I can remember. I went in '99, but I think it's changed quite a bit. I've lived there for eight years now. And even in those eight years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit. Okay. So you have a bad customer story. I do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014. I was living and working in London at the time. And I was working in a West End theater, one that showed Mamma Mia! So just to set the scene a little bit, three things that you should know about Mamma Mia! The first one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. The second one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The third one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The fourth one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The fifth one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The sixth one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The seventh one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. The eighth one is that Mamma Mia! It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. Now the penis isn't my problem. That's downstairs's problem. The show begins. The ladies start to have a little bit of fun. You know, they're singing along to the music. They are waving and dancing, which you'd think would be okay at Mamma Mia, but we had a policy of people pay good money to see a West End show. They pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party singing the songs. Yes, I would hate that. So I very politely ask them, please, can you not sing anymore? That's part of the policy. You know, we don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So they quieten down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine. They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security. It's getting a little bit too much and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theatre. So the bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look. It's a little bit menacing and they can see that they're being monitored and now they should be behaving. It doesn't stop. So the decision is made that at the interval, they're going to be told they're not allowed to re-enter the show. They will be asked to leave the theatre. The interval happens. They come out of the seats. They go to the bar where they are refused service. The front of house manager says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies and now you will not, we're allowed to re-enter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting, they're swearing. There's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval. And so the big dog is called in. The theatre manager comes down from her office. Now my theatre manager is amazing. She's very calm. She's very stoic. She doesn't take shit from anybody. I would listen to her. She scares me. So she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them and she manages, she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed. But there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theatre. The ladies are very upset, obviously. They want to be allowed back in or a minimum they would like a refund, which is never going to happen. Things very quickly start to escalate again. Oh boy. And they become even more irate. It's notching up, you know, to maybe an eight out of 10 on the Buretary scale at this point. And so a decision is made to call the police because at this time, it's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them we will be calling the police to remove them from the theatre, it's a group of five women. Three of them leave. They decide we're not getting mixed up with the police. We're going to leave calmly. However, the last two women, they want to make a point. They're not leaving. One of the women decides to pull down her trousers. Oh, here we go. And she's going to do a poo in the middle of the foyer of the theatre. No. I thought a pee was coming our way. Me too. But she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka. Full number two. Oh my gosh. Your theatre manager, who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe. It gets scarier the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theatre? She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, Madam, please, I think I know what's going to happen now. If you could please pull your trousers back up. If you do need to use the toilet. We do have a toilet. We can facilitate that. First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry enough. I mean, I think that was just simp. She got herself excited about the cops coming. But can you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm going to fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually. She drank so much wine. Okay. So she made a mistake. She maybe has been holding the beer. She's been drinking all day. Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people. Loose. Yeah, exactly, Monica. And so in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping. Ew! I can't even think about that. She should have took her sock off. Ew! That's the best move. And walks out of the theatre with her friend. Like, nothing ever happened. And that was that. Cops never. They didn't arrive in time. We're in a theatre. The people won't leave. We're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left. Whose job was it to then handle that? Clean-up duty. The theatre manager. She was a believer of, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself. Oh, God. Did you stick around and watch? She got her rubber gloves on when we were all watching. Yeah, because I'm like, I would ask for two paper plates from the concession stand and I would have tried to, you know. Because you're kind of imagining it as, like, dog poop. That's right. This is human wine poop. Was it real loose? Not to get too. Did she need a mop or a paper plate? It wasn't loose-loose, but no. Oh, this theatre full of children and a grown-ass woman is pooping on the floor. First of all, very sorry for you and the staff there. No one should have to deal with that. But I do wonder if this story came up during, like, the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person, as vile as she is, is likely a legend now in her circle. Oh, God. Like, do you remember the time Betty dumped at the West End Theatre and she never broke eye contact with the scary manager? Like, she's most certainly a legend in her circle for this. But she wasn't the bride, right? Do we know? The bride had a. Sash saying bride, and then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police, she hot-footed out there. Oh, my God. What is a bachelor party called? A rooster party? Cock party? A stag do. Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented, and I don't forgive them. But I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say. I have observed the intoxication level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day. Do you guys agree? Yes, because it's an all-day affair into the evening and then the next day, hopefully, if you're there for the weekend. They can get pretty wild. I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well, I think. It's comforting that all people behave like animals. Different kinds of animals, but yeah. Yeah, animals are just the same. Wow, Amy, what a great pun. Punch line. I thought maybe a fight was going to be the punch line, but the fact that she just pulled her slack, and not even addressed slacks. Ew. Like, that takes a minute to get down. Wow. Yes. Yeah. And I got to imagine you were just immediately excited to tell your five best friends when you got off work. Oh. Everybody was called. WhatsApp groups were messaged, and it went down in history in the theater. We saw a lot of stuff in the theater, but I think that was probably one of the worst things. We've seen. That's great. That's great. I'm so glad you witnessed that and were able to tell us about it. Me too. Me too. It's a good story. Amy, it's so nice meeting you. Thank you guys too. I really appreciate the time and lovely to meet you both. All right. Well, enjoy your trip home. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. We get support from YouTube Premium. Okay. I got to tell you something. I just got YouTube Premium this year, and it's completely enhanced how I use YouTube. I already liked YouTube for obvious reasons. Yes. Watching all my car stuff on there. Everything. Everything's on there. And thought, how could YouTube get any better? Well, Premium has awesome features like offline downloads. Just use it on a plane ride. So I can download my favorite automotive shows and videos to watch when I'm on the go. And that means I don't have to wait when I don't have Wi-Fi, which is especially great when I'm traveling and don't have guaranteed Wi-Fi. I don't have to have Wi-Fi on airplanes. Speaking of not waiting, and this is my favorite part, YouTube Premium is ad-free, so I can watch uninterrupted whenever, wherever. Background play also comes in clutch because I can lock my screen and keep the audio going. This comes in handy when I go out for a walk or when I'm in the middle of a great podcast. Plus, it has a ton of other features I didn't even know about. Like, did you know, Premium automatically downloads videos from channels you subscribe to? So even when I forget my content is still right there, so if you're like me and you already like YouTube, you're going to love YouTube Premium. Try it now for two months free. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply, cancel anytime. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. It's a new school year, which means yet another back-to-school shopping list. Luckily, when you use your Apple Card, you can earn 3% daily cash back on everything at Apple, including the new iPad Air and the MacBook Pro. Apply for Apple Card today. and unlock the tools for a productive school year. Subject to credit approval. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City branch. Terms and more at applecard.com. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've talked before about Rob building our website on Squarespace, and I bring it up again because it's a perfect example of what they do well. Rob had all the pieces, the content, the vision, the ideas, but he needed something to actually take all that and make it public-facing. And Squarespace is a great place to start. space was that bridge. Maybe you're in the same spot. You've been developing something, a business, a skill set, a body of work, and it's been private. It's been yours. But at some point, you're ready to put it out there, and that transition from private to public can feel like a huge leap. Squarespace makes it feel like a step. Beautiful templates, built-in SEO, email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, everything you need to go from, I've been working on this, to here it is, come find me. All in one place, no code, no stitching together, a bunch of different tools. So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it. Head to squarespace.com slash DAX for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences, is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers? Which is a fair question. Yeah. So Instagram has got something called teen accounts, and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age-appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and all of that stuff. So if you're in a situation where you're also sleep mode, that mutes notifications from 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. Sleep mode is genius. Right. And here's the thing. For anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on, and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age-appropriate experiences for teens. I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com slash teen accounts. Alex? We don't want to start off with an uh-oh. We're in a matching fabric chair. I'm in my daughter's room. Yeah, it's kind of a fake lamb wool sitch. They call that like bu- Bukkake? No, I forget what it's called. We call it Target. Yeah, also great. Uh, Tar-Jay, Target. Where are you at, Alex? I'm in San Jose, California. Good old Silicon Valley. Close to the Shark Tank? 10 minutes from there. I had a famous poop there, and you know, there's a little park just, well, our last caller involved the poop. There's a little park immediately to the right of the Shark Tank, and it has a little public bathroom, which is great. And I had been working there all day long when I worked for GM. All of a sudden, I was like, oh, I got to go. And I ran across that park, and I got there. And they had closed that bathroom for the night. But I had already told my body we are seconds away from deploying. And then I had to bounce into the woods right next to the park. And when I saw next to me, remember the story? The Sim provided me a huge bag of cotton balls someone left out there. And that's how I cleaned up. Great to meet you, Alex. You too. And that's not uncommon in San Jose, by the way. I saw many other deposits while I was in that park. I hope you left a bag of cotton balls, too. It's like you take one, you leave it. I didn't use them all. There's plenty. Next, you just go back later, you know? So, Alex, you have a bad customer story. Yeah. The saying we have is you remember the good ones, but you never forget the bad ones. Well, I'm a flooring contractor. So if you're remodeling your house, need hardwood or selling the carpet, you come to our showroom. We want an Adynia measure. Get installers there. So we're mom and pop shop. I just started. This is my first month, pretty much. How long? How long ago was this? Almost 10 years ago. Okay. Okay. Fresh out of college. Just starting. Trying to make dad proud. Show him I got the juice like Pops does. Sure. Sure. So a customer comes in. Nice Asian lady. Probably 65, five foot tall. I noticed she's very religious, very touchy. Kind of flirtatious. Wait, why did you think she was religious? Was she wearing like a cross or something? Cross and right away. Today's a blessed day. Oh, got it. Okay. Don't you think God's blessed us all? Oh, wow. That's all fun, but that's not really, you know, me. As Sedaris says, when they say have a blessed day, he feels like he's sprayed by God juice. Oh. Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, right? Yeah. In sales, you kind of go with the flow. I'm helping her through the showroom, looking at stuff. And I noticed she's kind of very flirtatious and I'll razzle dazzle. I'll shake and bake to get a sale and entertain it. Yeah. It was kind of the point she's starting to touch your arm. Do you work out? You're so stern and young. Oh, so far I like this. Yeah, this is fun. When you first start off in sales too, at least, in this industry, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what's right from wrong. You're just trying to people please. So the biggest thing I noticed too, is when she leaves, she gives me a big hug, which is not really common. And she says, I cannot wait to see you. Like when I come to her house. Oh, wow. A week later, I'm about to go. She shoots me a text the night before saying, I cannot wait to see you with a heart emoji. Oh my God. Can I ask, did she order carpet or hardwood? What was she in the market for? She didn't pick yet, but she did end up picking. It's called an LVP, if you've heard of it. Kind of a synthetic plastic that's a little cheaper. Looks like wood, fake. I'm on my way there. Super nervous. You have no idea what to expect. I don't know the answers to their questions. Right when you pull up, you're like, this place is fucked up. There's shit everywhere in the front. Oh no. They have multiple crosses and Jesus statues. She opens the door and right away, a few things are off. Right away, you smell, right? You smell horrid smell from the house. Ooh, ooh, okay. Wearing a revealing tank top, red lipstick, matching her tank top with pigtails kind of like Britney Spears. Oh, she's got like a character. And then she does her, hi, like welcome in and gives me a huge hug. I was prepared for the ass out hug. She doesn't. She goes like full in grasping. And then I look behind her. There's a ginormous man. I'm talking like six, eight, 300 plus pounds. And he's just smiling. What's his age? Probably about 40. Wow. So are you quickly trying to figure out, is this son or young lover? What's the dynamic? What the hell's going on here? Yes. What is this relationship? Have you seen Mindhunter at all? No. Serial killer, profiler. Looks like him. The worst sounds like him. He's very monotone. So he goes, Alex, it's so good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Oh, everything's red flags, right? Shakes my hand. I've never felt something so feminine yet masculine. So he almost shook it as if he was a queen and I'm supposed to kind of kiss his hand, but then turn it into the hardest shake of my life. So as a guy, I was like, I think he's telling me he thinks I'm cute, but also letting me know he's so big. I can't do anything about a lot of subtext. Yeah. Well, before I could comprehend this dynamic, I turn and I realized this house is full on hoarders. There's going to need a crew in there for a week before you're talking about flooring. They need a hazmat. Yeah. For us to just do the job. Again, first time trying to get a sale, you kind of push this all out of the way. I'm gonna make dad proud today. You know, then I knew it was immediately off when they started holding hands. I don't know if you've ever had a plumber or someone over your house. You're not going to call your wife, kind of hit on the guy and hold hands two feet away and walk the house. So I'm measuring small talk. Hey, how long have you been here? All these things within minutes, the big guy goes, how much is this going to cost? I'm here to figure that out for you, brother. Figure 10, 15 grand, you know, but we'll see. He goes, okay, we're going to go discuss this privately. That's awkward, right? So the kicker is they walk about three feet away as if it's private. I could still clearly see you and hear you. And a lot of little giggling kind of goes on. This is a good chance for me to get going on the measurement. I could get this house done without talking to them. So I keep hearing them flirt. And the picture is, remember, this guy's almost seven foot and she's five foot. Oh, wow. And there's about a 30 to 40 year gap. So I thought it might be her son who's goofy, but I'm starting to realize, nope, I'm thinking they're lovers. Okay. The hand holding. Who's goofy. I get back to where they're standing. He has his finger on her chin, like he's about to kiss her, like in a romantic movie. And then they're just like whispering and he gives her like a little two finger kind of slap. I'm kind of loving it. I'm like, this is awesome. This is a good story. And then he winds up and gives her a nice, like, Oh, like actual slap. Okay. Oh my goodness. She's like looking into his eyes and love. And I kid you not, as I walk by you here, you like that. Don't you bitch? Oh my goodness. I think I need to get out of here. Maybe. So I continue my measurement. These people, by the way, would appear and disappear. So I'm walking out of nowhere. You're kind of like, oh shit, or right there by your shoulder. And they start asking me, you just don't ask a contractor. Like, Hey, are you single? What's your partner? Like, do you guys like to go out and have fun and drink right now? So I'm at this point rushing. I'm like kind of sweating. Let's get the hell out of here. Last room's the master. As I'm about to open it, the little lady jumps in front of me and says, Oh, we're not going to go in there right now. Oh, right now. This was the creepiest part. The guy's smiling at me and goes, at least not yet. Yeah. You're like, yo, this is out of a movie. You're like, this is the weirdest scenario I've been in. how'd they find each other what a match made in heaven they met at church and then they would ask me if i could go to church they even asked me if i would go to one of their church events and that a group of people hang out after so my mind's like i'm not trying to judge a book by a cover but i think we got a weird swinger yes swinger thing going on here just the basics right a little shake and bake i wonder what was in that bedroom a dead plumber maybe a dead probably a swing set sure and then mind you there's jesus stuff everywhere a shrine of jesus candles just everything poor jesus i'm sad he had to witness this i told him during our discussion how i pulled my back the first day i don't know if you guys have ever pulled your back you can't walk it hurts so as i'm leaving they go please can we pray for your back before you go and they're being very persistent maybe later if you want i'm not too religious but thank you but in the end i have obviously i give in so i say what do i do she says bow your head and close your eyes and mind you when they talk to you have you seen obsession yet yes that girl does a great job and smiles with her eyes wide open that's what they both did the whole time so when they go can we pray it's more of like can we pray for you sure normal prayer after like 30 seconds i realized they started creeping closer and closer to me so they went from three feet two feet one feet okay i'm feeling their breath on me at this point and i'm not even kidding i got frozen i was like i don't know what to do right now i look and their heads are right here at my shoulders and i feel like their body's touching my body oh their prayers started to get weird it had nothing to do with really god it was like get this man to stop strone and strength to prevail you know like what the does that have to do with anything and then they start rubbing my back like sensually this guy has a huge hand so it's getting real weird the lady's doing most of the prayer and the guy would just like kind of compliment her so if she was like give this man the blessings he needs to perform he would just be like to perform oh and then she starts groping me like on my love handles like kind of squeezing sure she loves pulls herself up my shoulder because she's short and starts whispering i can't understand it and then i find out she's speaking tongue her lips touch my ear as if she's kind of kissing and then the hairs on my neck go up i wake up out of this frozen whatever suspended out of it and right away i got back to human and went hey guys i'm getting the fuck out of here yeah i'm not into this shit i'm rushing out the front door big guy's kind of chasing me they have like a little front gate that's half open i kicked it open broken don't care i'm getting out of here get into my truck hey i'll contact you like just leaving and then they sit there on the sidewalk hand over shoulder both smiling waving like happy family as if nothing just happened so i go back to my showroom and all my older employees are 50 60. it for decades having a ball making fun of me you know this is not normal you should have left right but the strategy in our job is you could technically fire a customer so you pretty much just double the price they're not going to go for it you say no problem everyone's happy go both ways so i did that and ironically the big kickers they signed up no so i was like that's not fun i don't want to do it yeah and so about a month later we go i four and all my installers don't take shit don't let him touch you all these things and there's a lock box and he gets in and he says the house is practically empty no one's there no one's living there no jesus that is no nothing and the odd part is the master bedroom was still locked this is so weird i believe someone tried to pull me in a religious sexual three-way and it was my first real measurement of my career so it's kind of like can't get much from here right yeah it's a good first one to have you really can navigate everything going forward yeah i gotta say i've always felt this way there becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshipers like once you're speaking in tongues and you're you're involved in orgies like aren't we satanists and culty licking people's ears oh boy wow so they didn't pay no one installed anything i presume we installed and she sent a check oh my gosh i never saw her again and i refused to meet her because she wanted to meet up for coffee so she could give me a deposit i said put that bitch in the mail yeah i kept it to like texting calls i didn't show up the guy said nothing was there but we did the job and about a year later they called me i convinced them to do just materials like purchase the materials and we won't install so they purchased the material and came to the show and picked it up and it was kind of like the last we ever saw them thank god wow alex what an experience i'm kind of jealous when you do sales and meet thousands of people the pros is you meet a lot of people and see how they live the cons you meet a lot of people and see how they live and not everyone's what you think you get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house no one told us you go there there's 13 dead cats and oh baby no one tells you you just show up and you get a surprise i live for this i think it's awesome as long as you don't get i guess kidnapped or hurt nothing you can't tell over a drink with the guys oh alex what a lovely story thank you so much for telling us yeah of course man thanks for having us my wife and i are big fans is she there can we say hi to her oh yes please yes 38 look at that she opens the door right away i was waiting hello hi do you know if it's a boy or a girl another girl the way to go for sure lovely meeting you guys congratulations thank you thanks guys we appreciate it fun experience all right take care we are supported by auto trader all right if you've been putting off car shopping because it's so expensive it's so expensive it's so expensive it's so expensive it's so expensive it sounds like a whole thing buying your car online on auto trader makes it way easier really you can shop tons of cars online compare prices check financing and trade-in options all from wherever you are and if you want to start online and go to the dealership for a test drive you can do that too really what i like is the flexibility start online finish at the dealer or the other way around your info stays with you so you're not starting the process from scratch plus you're working with local dealer listings so you've got real people helping behind the scenes so if you're ready you can pick up your car or have it delivered really buy your car online on auto trader really we get support from our sponsor lily for adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight related medical problems it's time to find out about foundeo or for glipron foundeo is a once daily prescription glp1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight gain related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off foundeo should not be used with other glp1 receptor agonist medicines it is not known if foundeo is safe and effective for use in children don't take foundeo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2 stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction a lump or swelling in your neck or severe stomach pain serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems tell your doctor if you experience vision changes if you're not feeling well or if you're not feeling well or if you're not you're nursing pregnant plan to be or taking birth control pills and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia taking foundeo with an insulin or sulfonyluria may cause low blood sugar side effects include diarrhea nausea and vomiting which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems once daily foundeo is available by prescription only in 0.8 milligram 2.5 milligram 5.5 milligram 9 milligram 14.5 milligram and 17.2 milligram tablets learn more at foundeo.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX now is perfect to talk to your doctor about foundeo with the venture x business card from capital one you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase plus big purchasing power means you can spend more and earn more the capital one venture x business card what's in your wallet terms apply see capital one.com for details jb could be either a girl's name or a boy's name we know that from my list i think it's a girl i think it's a girl i think it's a boy oh hi i won the bet there was a bet here whether you would be a boy or a girl i also won you said a girl yeah rob said a boy oh i thought you said a boy now i just said it could go either way because i just read a list of girl names that are also boy names and daxton let me read the whole list fair minus also spells the boy way okay that's fair to rob further compounding where are you jamie i'm actually in the dallas oregon which is right next to head river where all your family is from i know the dells well we had to go there for home depot runs anytime we needed something in hood river yeah so i'm actually an esthetician i just listened to your guys's waxing story that's what i do for a living i was managing a salon and one day one of my employees called me that a man had actually booked a male brazilian and she did not offer this service i also did not offer this service but i had just went to vegas and learned at like a class on how to perform this service so i was like you know what it's my time to grow up and be a good boss and i can do this tell me what is a male brazilian tell us what the distinction is it's the traditional like brazilian wax except for most estheticians don't offer it for men so that's the only difference i don't even know what a brazilian is all hair gone including your butthole yes full genitalia everything every hair there gone i'm already imagining why it's challenging on a man because they have so much butt hair we're gonna stop at the butt cheeks that's gonna be a little weird you see hair on the legs like their pants yeah i wouldn't know where to stop if i was applying it around the anus i'm like how far out do i take this but anyways that's my confusion that's for you to think about yeah it also was my confusion but it's also like i'm familiar with my anatomy i've been trained on how to handle female anatomy i have not been trained to handle male anatomy outside of how i'm already familiar with male anatomy so i really didn't want to be doing this oh yeah the guy shows up and i'm tall i'm 5'8 this guy is like maybe 5'2 5'3 so i'm immediately like oh thank god this isn't intimidating okay i want to interrupt really quickly dax is normally the one to do this so i'm going to do it now i'm going to do it now i'm going to do it now but i'm going to do it you're very pretty thank you you are yeah i'll go further you're hot okay well i wanted to i just was trying you know yeah okay yes you're hot she's trying to be polite yeah i'm trying to say it but i just think in this context hot's relevant yeah yeah okay yes and you're going to be touching a man's penis and pulling on it because part of waxing for people who don't know is like making the skin taut thank god he's little monica's exactly right it is like a dangerous thing to be doing i immediately like my guard kind of went down because i was like you know what the way that he looks and not to be rude he might not have ever had his penis touched before oh even worse yeah this is worse not better i wasn't nervous anymore okay okay great so we go back there i start doing my best i'm trying to run through like everything that i have learned from the class that i had taken on it everything is so much different it's a challenge i will say i wax women all the time they sometimes make noises but not a ton of noises and if it is it's like very an obvious like oh my god that hurts type of noise this guy is either dead silent or he is groaning oh boy i already knew that it would not be uncommon for them to have an erection during the service and i was fully prepared for that i was not prepared though for him to be like pushing into my hand every single time i'm touching he was staring here the entire time your motion okay monica's gonna handle me like rolling his eyes in the back of his head and i was like this is just feeling not professional i finished the service i'm like that doesn't feel normal i call my boss and i'm like here's everything that happened it felt very sexual to me and she's like oh you're being sexist you wouldn't treat women this way so i go on and i wax this guy for maybe two three four times and each time that i wax him the reaction to what i'm doing gets like more and more severe so his groans are louder he has some leakage oh okay goodness like we can say it pre-cum yes i just didn't want to say i know i'm sorry i'm gonna go ahead and say everything that needs to be said today yeah so i might be tugging her shoulder at some point if i really need something said but yeah we'll call that pc yeah okay wow every time i wax him i'm again talking to my boss like okay he's being so overly sexual each appointment then one day i'm doing the service and he completely and fully ejaculates i miss most of it i dodged it very quickly some of it gets on me most of it goes all over him it wasn't quiet it was all very obvious that that's what happened mind you i'm 21 and i am like i do not know how to handle this so i pretend it doesn't even happen i literally just carried on then again i go to my boss and i'm like he literally ejaculated on me and she's again like you need to just man up whoa whoa whoa is this a woman boss yes this is insane this is a terrible this could be a terrible boss story it could i mean she needs to be fired does she want to be operating a jack-off booth like is that what does she want this type of client also then she can do it herself yeah a fun fact this boss was also my stepmother which i think makes this even crazier oh my gosh i kind of i don't know what to say about that i don't know what to say about that i don't know what to say about that boss bad stepmom stepmom story okay wow i'm sorry that's horrible it gets crazier not for me this next part is actually for my co-worker so i end up telling her after that i was like i'm officially done though i cannot handle this he had also said to me does it arouse you to cause me pain like this and i was like i've got you i knew this whole time yeah what your intentions were here so fast forward i don't see him anymore and he ends up booking with one of my co-workers and she again reaches out to him to tell him she doesn't offer the service he doesn't answer he shows up he starts demanding that she do the service she says nope i'm not doing it i'm gonna have to ask you to leave there was like five or ten minutes worth of arguing about it he finally leaves this co-worker took the like evening shift so it was pretty common she would be there from 5 p.m until dark and she would be alone in the salon so this day she's closing up it's like 9 30 at night she shuts all the lights off she had to go like up this flight of stairs and then there's the back door like right at the top of the stairs that we would exit out of and as soon as she opens the back door he's right there he pushes her into the building no and he is like you're gonna do my waxing now thankfully she is very strong and she was like absolutely i'm not fucking doing this get the fuck out of here and i'm gonna call the cops and that finally was enough to make him leave and we never saw or heard from him ever again but he's just prowling around the dales probably and dax are you familiar with like bingen yeah yeah uh-huh he worked for that company in situ oh sure that makes the drones mm-hmm yeah he's all around oh boy oh boy jamie i'm so sorry horrible yeah this is beyond bad customer this is criminal customer okay we got bad stepmom prompt we got bad boss prompt we got sexual assault prompt this is wild and of course tell us about a short guy um we're probably not gonna do that prompt was that your only dust up doing that stuff did you just go like i'm not doing dudes ever again no that's not the only dust up do women ever act inappropriate no never yeah i like that answer that was a dumb question i officially no longer offer male brazilians because every single one that i have done has ended up either kind of stalking me or doing something inappropriate at some point so it's a no for me yeah i hate to stereotype but if i were you i'd only do small gay men i'd have to go like well are you small and are you gay if so i'll do it and otherwise absolutely not i know but even still i feel like just stay away from these men's penises you know men should have to do the although there's not i imagine when you go to these vegas conventions for anestheticians very fewer men i'm guessing i've never met actual male yeah i've never seen but also because yeah because women aren't going to a male right right you can only do dudes yeah and then not very many dudes want it and then the dudes want the women because they're gross yeah yeah okay this is tricky maybe barbers could start offering it that's right okay well i'm so glad you made it out of here i'm glad you stuck up for yourself you tried is that woman still your stepmom no yeah good yeah yes well it's a delight to meet you yeah i could have bumped into you in the dales back when my mom was in Hood River. I've been waiting and waiting and it just never happens. do you ever eat at solstice pizza yes all the time what a place huh i want pizza it is a great place that might be the number one thing i miss about my mother having left hood river what kind of pizza did they have oh it's like organic premium ingredients tons of fun options oh yeah very organic healthy pizza place what are you giggling about you just keep saying organic over any other description of what this is but it sounds great it's delicious really quick i did want to say i feel like i hear you dax say all the time about how nobody ever knows who you are outside of kristen bell and i wanted to say that i knew you way before i ever even knew who kristen bell was because without a paddle is one of my all-time favorite movies well that delights me to no end and maybe you should try out for the savannah banana because that's the other folks who seem to have watched without a paddle i was just talking about this today jamie it's so nice meeting you thank you take care oh my gosh hello there we go is this kyle let us take in your environment you're a teacher came for the podcast staying for the therapy oh my god listener not only is that written behind him on some white background dry race there's also two cute little cherries above you're so meticulous and borderline ocd even the stems go outward i noticed that that's very pleasing cannot take full credit for that one i may have some uh other arm cherry fans in here who helped out kyle where are you i'm actually at rush medical university here in chicago illinois i'm in the respiratory care so loving it we love dr yeah nurses i'm so honored that all these smart people are listening to that being said you know we gotta oh oh my goodness oh wow this is great so you're teaching i'm not teaching i'm a student i just started my clinical rotation so in the final year of it all congratulations how are you holding up it's a beat down yeah sleep is a rare thing to get like we battle through and they used to let residents take care of themselves but now they're taking care of themselves and they're like amphetamines no that's what my understanding is something like that okay but hey pleasure meeting you guys i'm excited to tell you my stories let's go back to the year of 2020 the infamous year 2020 i like to say mine got a little bit more interesting so this is around october i was not in school i was just uh working as a bartender at this martini and wine bar pretty high-end place you know typical place you bring your first date what city bloomington normal central illinois right smack in the middle okay rob have you ever passed through yeah it's like three and a half hours south of chicago okay great yeah small little city pretty cool but anyways i'm at this restaurant my manager had just left so i was kind of like the manager on duty we had a new bartender and i was like you know what yeah i'll stick around i'll help them close up so we've got all our regulars at the bar you know this time of night we got this one guy who's like a professional poker player online so he's always at the bar with his martini sipping on that plan and he's got a good buddy who we call big john he's like six seven 280 he's like bouncer at all the different bars around town so everybody knows them so we're all just hanging out and then this guy walks in and immediately you're just like okay doesn't seem like the type that would come in here but whatever sure so he walks up to the bar ends up ordering his drink and i see him bickering with the bartender over the price i think it was because you know he ordered it on the rocks and typically we pour extra of it to rocks and it comes with a little surcharge nothing crazy i think the total cost of the drink was like 12 well he starts arguing about it so the poker player is sitting right there and he's like hey man i'll buy your drink just get away i got my computer here so what does the guy do he takes his drink and he slams it on the computer computer just you know shatters oh the poker player just throws his hands up like what the heck just happened and then big john picks this guy up and it's carrying him out and i'm just like oh come on the manager just left and i gotta deal with this and i'm like john you don't work here can't really be touching other customers so i run outside they're arguing yelling at each other john i tell him to go inside he goes inside and this guy just won't stop screaming and i'm like dude calm down and he's like dude i'm not paying for i'm like i'm comping your thing just leave and he's got his candy on his back like ready to sucker punch somebody and you know at this point everybody's outside with their phones recording it's like you know what's going on you know and all of a sudden it comes to the side and i'm like what the hell is he holding is that an axe what and i'm just like boom whoa he had a hatchet tucked in his waistband sure enough i found out later it was a hatchet but he had a hatchet on it so immediately panic settles in first of all there's all over like a twelve dollar drink so i turn around i'm like everybody get inside get inside so i close and lock this door so when i had my back turned all of a sudden i just feel something hit me right in the back no and my first instinct's like tell me he did not just hit me with that thing because at first you know the adrenaline it didn't hurt like it just felt like he punched me i reach back feeling around and all of a sudden i feel some wet i turn up and feel like maybe a little shoulder bone oh my hand just completely red oh my god this is a fucking psycho yeah you got to be so deranged to hit someone with an axe that's a step beyond shooting someone here's a hatchet so i immediately just fall to the ground big john is like freaking out because he thinks it's his fault and i'm like it kind of is dude but anyway put some pressure on my back dude does the guy run oh he was gone like in a split second well i'll get to that so everybody's drunk remind you that i'm like the sober one there because i'm the i've got a girl screaming just breathe just stay with me i'm like get away and call 9-1-1 yeah what are we doing so he's like what can i get for you what can i get for you i'm like can give me a pillow like give me something for my head sure enough the ambulance picks me up we get to the hospital in like record time and i have like an aisle of people you know ready to take care of me the police officer walks in try to get some information real quick and i'm expecting an answer and you'll fill out a statement but he goes hey we got him i'm like you got him i was like how'd you get him so fast so apparently somebody had gotten stabbed five minutes before i did so they had police out looking for somebody already and they found this guy running across they're like huh let's go talk to him oh my god he was on a spree yeah it was that one with also a hatchet so i'm not sure he ended up ditching the hatchet but he still had the holster attached to his belt so that's how they knew it was him but it gets a little lighter so the doctor's there as he's you know looking at the wound they had to clean it like three times did not feel good that will wake you up but where he hit me was kind of funny because i have a couple tattoos on my back and one of which is a mom tattoo and he nailed me right on the mom tattoo so my surgeon's stitching me up he's like this is kind of easy i can line it up he goes hey looks like mom had your back that night six inches to the right could have hit me in the back of the head or the spine half inch deeper i could have hit an artery so i got super super lucky oh and i'm assuming he hit you with the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it yeah i sent a picture rob it was a tactical hatchet oh that's a terrifying hatchet and okay now i'm looking at the open wound this is not when i heard hatchet i imagine like wood and like you know like old timey yeah like lumberjack axe exactly but this is like a straight up weapon it's just a crazy weapon yeah it looks like something you would see in a kung fu movie or something a warlock would carry or one of these crazy militia people but look at the size of this fucking thing oh let's see one two three four five six seven yeah it looks good doesn't it ten stitches oh it is a deep and for the listener it's the full width of your scapula like your whole shoulder blade that's about the same size right oh yeah very very lucky mom definitely had my back yeah well kyle though i can relate to you because i got hit in the back with a crowbar by a cab driver insane it doesn't hurt at all when it happens you're just like you register that something has hit your back and you continue running if you're in my you were in my situation yeah and then back at the house you're like oh my god there's a fucking huge egg on my butt yeah yeah i felt like i got hit by a did you follow the prosecution of this gentleman shouldn't say gentleman this motherfucker he ended up only getting five years i came to peace with it it was like he didn't kill me he had a lot of mental issues going on so he did his time but get this as soon as he gets out i was like you know for craps and giggles i ended up looking him up he ended up molesting a minor it was like 14 or younger so now he's at a halfway house in chicago and it's just like are you kidding me he's not back in jail for that that dude is such a problem Oh, my God. OK, well, we have these strays in our society. Yeah. For it being like the worst thing that could have ever happened in my life, it honestly ended up turning out to be one of the best things in a sense. I mean, I ended up deciding to go to school full time when it was over because I had nothing else but to think about my life and my life choices. Got into the medical field. Here I am with a white coat now. I ended up just getting on this reality game show called The Shift. I know, Monica, you're a fan of The Pit. Love it. So this show called The Shift, it's the same concept. It's like 12 hours and every hour is a different competition. So my season comes out October 20th. So definitely check it out on YouTube. I will definitely be watching that. The Shift. This is exciting. You'd be like, that's the hatchet guy. Yeah. Last follow up question. Your manager had already left, which put you in charge in your 20s. And then you get hatcheted and they take you away. So I'm assuming the bartender was left behind to run the show. Who was at the restaurant? On the video, you just see him. He just puts his hands like this and he's just shaking his head the entire time it's happening. He's got his hands on his head. I ended up talking to him. He quit like a couple of weeks after. He was like, that was too much, man. It was too much. I never thought it would happen somewhere like that. I'm like, yeah, I guess not for everyone. Wow. That is really wild. It worked out. Exactly. Yeah. I got great supporters. If you don't mind, I've got two I'd love to say hi to, just bring them in. Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm his girlfriend. He told me this hatchet story on our first date, like it was going to be an impressive story to like attract me. Well, it worked. Clearly it worked. It kind of worked. We've been together. It's been four years. I didn't know him back then. Oh, I love it. Wow. And how about our second friend here? Yes. What's your name? My name's Bridget. I'm his sister. Something he failed to mention was my name is also tattooed on the hatchet. Oh, I love that. Yeah. It's on his back. Oh my goodness. But I did not have his back that night. Wow. Real family, man. Yeah. I like this little Triumph friend here. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. Yeah. Thanks for chatting. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you guys. Yes. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. Woo. Hatchet to the back. That's tough stuff. That's a shitty customer if they drive a hatchet in your back. Have you ever read the book Hatchet? No. I think it's a book from like. When you're a kid and it's a boy and I know the cover and I also read it. Let's see. Yeah. This. Does this ring a bell? No, but it's a pretty cover. Yes. It's got the old timey hatchet you were thinking of, not the assault hatchet. That's why his plane crashes and then he has to live. And he's just got his trusty hatchet. Yeah. That's right. Grateful they let him bring a hatchet on the airplane. Yeah. I don't think you can do that anymore. All right. Well, that was wild. Yeah. That was wild. Twisty and turvy. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay. Great. We don't have a theme song for this new show so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, Ryan Dish. Enjoy. We're going to have a little fun. We're going to have a little fun.