Armchair Anonymous: Animal Attack III

- Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to our Dear Anonymous, I'm Dex Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. - Hi. - Hi, today we have Animal Attacks, Part Three. - So, these are scary. - Yeah, Animal Attacks are very scary. - They're scary and it's validating. - Yeah, and we got a monkey one, which I love. - There's one that involves an animal that I also have had some issues with this year. - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. - So it, you know, I just feel validated. - You feel validated, yeah, yeah, it's seen. - I feel seen. - Well, too, please enjoy Animal Attacks, Part Three. ♪ All times, come and go ♪ ♪ Good times, take 'em slow ♪ ♪ My life, I had them all ♪ ♪ Remember one thing, you gotta know ♪ ♪ I'ma keep on shining ♪ - Hi. - Is this Laura? - Hello, it is. - Of course, it's Laura, but my mother had a client, her name's Laura, and he always called her Laura. - Okay, I pronounce my Laura, so not even Laura. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, different. - Where are you? - I'm currently sitting in Canada, but I'm from Delaware. I'm at the scene of the crime. - Oh, you are, you're returning to heal some past trauma? - For sure, for sure. Now, it's for a friend's bachelor at party, but I made that friend through the story. A lot of connections. - Delaware's our tiniest state, yeah? - The second smallest, I think Rhode Island's number one. - Oh, congratulations, Rhode Island. But it's a teensy little fella, right? - She's small, everybody knows everybody. I can name every high school in the state. - Wow. - Oh, really? - Aubrey Plaza, one of the only famous people from Delaware, did acting classes with her. - Oh, my God. - Everybody knows everything. - She was always cool. - Always cool, yeah, for sure. - Yeah, some people born cool, right, Connie? - They sure are. - Okay. - And the DNA. - What is very cool is to be attacked by an animal. - Yes. - Tell us about your animal attack story. - Well, let me set the scene. I was a wilderness canoe trip leader for years in Canada. This particular trip was one of the harder trips that the camp led. And I was given a group of 10, 14-year-old boys in me. - Oh, why? - What age were you? - 20, probably, horrible ratio though. And this particular day was gonna be a doozy. Like, we had to wake up at 5 a.m. We were gonna be paddling until 9 or 10 p.m. But we knew the end of the day was gonna be this section of creeks and portages, like six portages, six creeks. The creeks were really short and between the longer portages. And so it was exhausting. So I knew we needed to get there early. And so before we started this system of creeks and portages, we were like, everybody fill up your water jugs and your water bottles. Because once you get onto it, it's like muck. Like, it smells bad. There's beaver dams. There's nowhere you can fill up your water. So this has probably taken us five hours to get through these. And we're at the second to last one. Everybody's out of water. Everybody's exhausted. It's a hot day. We get to the end. And there's a couple coming up to us. And they're like, hey, there's a moose out there. It's really cool. And we're like, oh, great. Wonderful. We come out that end. And this moose are huge. I actually was like, this is the size of an elephant. - Wow. - Yeah. So we look out and we're like, oh, this is cool, right? At first, by the way, into tired body is blocking the creek. Like head on one end of the bank. And butt on the other end of the bank. So we can't paddle. - Is it a bowl or a female, do you know? - It was a female, relevant later in the story. So we're admiring, having a good time. Okay, 10 minutes of admiring turns into 20, 30, 40. Now it's been an hour. It's probably 8.30. Everybody's dehydrated. We are one portable away from being done the day and on a lake where we can fill up our water. And the boys are starting to go from like, blah, like, what the heck? This is your fault, whatever. Like joking around. To like silence, now I'm worried, people are really dehydrated and we have to get out of here. And so we had a bear horn to scare bears away if they came onto your campsite. We can't move until it moves. So, air hornet looks up at us, looks back down. Doesn't care. So I'm like, this is a mess. Now it's probably been an hour and a half. - Oh. - Still eating, chilling. - Oh my gosh. - Oh my gosh. - So I see there's like a rock. And I'm like, let me just climb up that rock and look out, survey the land. And see if there's any other way to get around this moose. And so I see what I think, like, if this is the creek and then there's a big thing of land, grass, marsh and then it looks like another little creek pathway around that you could circumvent the moose. So we're like, perfect, I've got the solution. Get everybody in the boats, the kids are freaking out. The kid in my boat starts to cry because to do this, we have to pass the moose pretty close. And you could like, reach out with a paddle to the moose. - Oh my. - Start doing that paddle. Well, it doesn't really care about us, doesn't really look. We get over. Once we start doing this paddle, I realize that it's like muck. You're sticking your paddle in and heaving the canoes forward. But it's not thick enough to stand in. So if like a kid tried to walk in it, he'd sink. I was afraid to be a drown because you can't swim through. - Oh god. - We've like heaved them far enough that going back is going to be really hard. So I'm like, okay. There's a land that I can like, leap to myself. So I'm going to try that. So I leap onto the shore. And as soon as I do it, I'm like, I don't know about this. Like it's giving moose home. - Oh no. - A lot of moose poop on my ground. - Oh. - And it's a female. So I'm like, what if there's a calf back here? Moose are super territorial. These thoughts are kind of happening. And as I'm having them in the calmest voice, you've literally ever heard a 16 year old do. He was like, hey Laura. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, um, the moose is attacking us. - Oh my god. - Turn around. Moose is running. - No. - Like dense spring at us. And if you will picture with me for a second, I'm standing on the land and all of the campers are in boats in front of me. This is worst case scenario. I was like, leader. Like you got to be the one that gets attacked. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So you can survive on the land. Moose have bad eyesight. But if they all get attacked and they get into the water, like it's over. - Oh. - The adrenaline was rushing so quickly. I really don't know how I managed to do this. But leafed back into the boats all the way to the front leader boat, getting pulling the bear spray, which is like mace times 10. I couldn't think of this in the moment. But afterwards, I realized the wind was pushing out of so I would have maced myself. - Oh. - And all the papers if I had actually done it. But I was like holding it like a gun. It comes up to a stopstead. Okay. It's like breathing out really loudly. I could pet its nose. - Oh. - So close to us. - No. - It's got like a hooves out. We're staring at each other. And I'm like, oh my god. In this moment, I don't know if this is true because I can't read a moose to stop. But I was like, in this moment, it's deciding if it's going to genuinely kill us or walk away. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And the boat. He could have flipped the boat. And the kids would have drowned. Like we cannot swim in this water we were in. But you'd sink down into it. - Oh. - Your brain works in strange ways when you're going through this. I remember in this moment staring at this moose, when my mother was training our dog back in the day, was like the best way to train a dog is you'd alpha male it. Like you stare it in the eyes. Do not blink. Do not look away. Just stare it at it until it puts its head down and walks away. So in this moment, I'm like, I'm going to alpha male this shit out of this moose. That's the only option I have right now. I stare at it. It stares at me. I don't know how long it lasted. It could have been forever. Out of the corner of my eye, two of the boys paddles in the air. Like they're about to start beating it. - Oh, no. - Oh, no. - Boys put the paddles now. - Right. 100%. Two of the boys feed in the water. I'm like, do not do that. Boy and my canoe sobbing. And this one kid we had from Spain, totally oblivious all the time, was like, you guys look a frog over here. And I was like, there's a fucking moose. Oh my god. Eventually it looks down and walks away. So I'm like, I have a man of freaking out, right? We paddle as fast as we can to this next lake. And the real moral of the story is we go back to the summer camp. They're teenage boys. So they start exaggerating the story and telling all these insane things. And so by my last year at this summer camp, I had this little boy come up to, he was like, probably seven. Come up to me and be like, you're that girl that killed a moose with its bare hair. It ate his heart raw. I was like, yeah, that was me. That was me. That was me. So anybody's listening. I guess I'm making myself sound less cool. The fact that you just held your position is war your status. It is. I mean, the head on that thing is bigger than this coffee table. I mean, it's just so enormous. They get to 1800 pounds. No, they're enormous. Did you have any petal in your slacks when this was all over? 1000%. And they also, have you heard of this concept of tracker bears where they will hunt you basically and kill you in the woods? No. No. Tell us about tracker bears. Everybody's so afraid of them up there, especially the kids. But you'll see them once a day, the bear. And you'll be like, is that the same bear? And it's like following you? Oh, it's like a stalker. And to like hug you. They should call it stalker bear, that tracker bear. That is not a concept with moose. But all of them are like, we're going to have a tracker moose. It's going to find our campsite. We're going to get murdered. So I spent the whole night awake trying to go for it. Oh, that was horrible job. I'm impressed and we need people to do that. But wow. Well, everyone should continue doing it. And it's good for kids. That's what I'm saying. There's like a teenager out there protecting preteens from moose. I know. But you're doing such a good job. I'm impressed. I don't know. I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have battled over there. If we had waited another 30, maybe it would have moved. But everyone was like passing out basically. You were in a bad situation. It was genuinely scary. I was like, genuinely, I'm going to lose my life today. But these boys thought you were so radical afterwards. Yes, but they told everybody at the camp we killed the moose. So not so many were first offline. An investigation by a fishing game. Yeah. What's the situation with mosquitoes and black flies and all of a sudden? Oh, my God. You've never seen anything like it. Well, I was doing a portrait one time with a pink rain jacket on. So many mosquitoes and flies on my wrist. I couldn't see the pink anymore. Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm good. So bad. But it gets better once you're in like August. So you're just up for fun right now. Yeah, just about sure I parties my friend Rachel's about sure party any port housing. We're actually going back to the town where the camp is run, but we're not doing a canoe trip. It's a bachelor party. You know what happens? Could I do a quick shout out? Yeah. I just wanted to shout out my friend Laurie, who's like the biggest armchair in the world, and she's got some great stories, so maybe you'll meet her one day. Okay, look forward to it. My wonderful fiancee Nick, who listens to every episode in the car with me, and my friend Sally and Joe, who's room I'm in right now, they're craft rooms. Oh, craft room, that sounds so fun. Shout out to everyone. We'll have a great time. Thank you guys so much. We're so nice meeting you. All right, take care. Bye. Sarah. Hi. How are you doing? Good. How are you guys? Good look. How many long flowing dresses you have? This is my long hang section. Oh, I love a long hang section. Are you, are you a Stevie Nicks fan? I like Stevie Nicks, but I mean, I wouldn't say I'm a super fan. You're kind of an innocuous question. Everybody likes Stevie Nicks. Yeah. Do you have a whimsical flowy dress vibe in the summer? I turned 50 this year, and yes, I've kind of adopted that. I just don't give a crap what I look like, and I just want to be like myself and be comfortable. Dress is very in. You picked a great time to be comfortable because it's in. Thank you. And speaking of Stevie Nicks, Monica Taylor last night at the NBA. I was just about to bring it up. What happened? The next one. The Stevie Nicks. And Taylor was there and had a shirt that said Stevie Nicks. Oh, she did. Oh, that's clever. Yeah. Anyway, thank you for seeing me when you saw that. You guys don't know this, but we're all really good friends because I spend a lot of time with both of you. No, we do know that. We do know that feeling quite well. Yeah. Our pair of social relationships coming tomorrow. David Sideris is coming back. My favorite. Okay. You have an animal tax story. Where are you in the country? So I am in Beverly Farms, Massachusetts. Now that is 20 miles north of Boston. And it is what Beverly Hills was named after. No way. Explain. Tell us that. So it's fancy. I just know that President Taft used to vacation here in this town. And that this is where Beverly Hills got its name, something about the Rolling Hills. I haven't done the full Wikipedia, but that's what I hear. But this story takes place in my hometown, which is right next door five minutes away, which is Manchester by the sea. Oh, that's a very sad movie. I was going to say permanently make you sad now. They kind of ruined the name. They did. And it's not actually a good reflection of the town. The town is much more mellow and very cheery and a beautiful place to grow up. So this story takes place about nine years ago in April. And I am a dog lover, Monica. Sorry. I'm sorry. Now people are appalling. Sorry, I don't hate dogs, Monica. I've always had a bunch of dogs and walking them and taking care of them is just like very therapeutic. It's just one of the loves of my life. So in this particular story, I had my own two dogs. And I was also taking care of my sister's dog and a friend's six-month-old puppy. So because I had four really active energetic dogs, I'm thinking I want to discharge their batteries early in the morning and take them for a really good like off-leash walk. We'll blow it out in the morning and then they'll rest all day. Perfect. It's like kids, which just want to kind of like tire them out and then they're good. So I take them to a trail in Manchester where I've walked many times before and it's early in the morning and I'm thinking, okay, like off-leash, I had brought two leashes with me because I only usually had two dogs with me. And we started on the trail and let me just explain kind of the dynamics. So there's my sister's dog's fine. This puppy's great. One of my dogs is an English center and not as a bird hunting dog. And these dogs are athletes. He is amazing. He runs in the woods, checking in with me. And all of a sudden I hear him sparking really loudly, maybe 150 yards into the woods. And I can't see him, but I can hear him. And very quickly, the barks turn to only what I can describe as the dog screaming. And now I looked down and I have three other dogs with me. It felt like it took me two hours to come to this conclusion, but it was probably 10 seconds. And I quickly had a puppy and a larger dog to a tree. And I start running through the woods with one dog still following me towards his cries. And I come to a clearing. I finally find Billy. Now this is New England Woods. It's branches, it's leaves, it's a disaster. And I see Billy in the middle of a clearing. There are three coyotes just taking turns lunging, grabbing at him. No, no. Billy, he's like a 60 pound dog who is used for hunt. I mean, he's a good size dog. The coyotes where we are a little different, I think, than the coyotes where you guys are the Eastern coyotes are definitely like a 50/50 wolf coyote hybrid. So they're big. They can be anywhere from I think around 35 to 60 pounds. And these were pretty big coyotes. And there was three of them. They're going at him. And I'm standing there for like one second. And then I'm like, well, I'm not going to watch this happen. And like, I got to do it. It's like your kid, you know, you're like, you're going to do something. So I run in and I just grab Billy by the back of the neck and break the globe his tail. And I'm just dragging him out of the woods. And I'm holding him. And they're grabbing at his legs. Oh my god. Oh, you're oh my god. Yeah. And didn't you say you had another dog with you, though? Did you bring one dog to the scene? I had one dog with me. And he was kind of just staying back, which is obviously really smart. Yeah. And I'm now playing tug of war with my dog's body and these coyotes. Oh my goodness. And I'm screaming. And this is like one of those moments you guys where you look around, you're like, well, where's the adults? You're like, oh my god, it's me. I'm the adult here. Yeah. So I'm kicking and I'm screaming. And I finally make contact with one of them. And it kind of like backs off because I kicked it so hard. And another one backs off. So now I've got one kind of following us, but not grabbing at the dog. And I'm not a big person. I'm five, five. So I'm carrying a 60 pound dog. There's definitely that moment where you're like adrenaline. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm dragging him and carrying him. And now it occurs to me that I've tied two other dogs to a tree somewhere in the woods. And I don't know where the other two coyotes went. And I'm like, oh my god, I have to get back there. So now I'm dragging Billy and have him lay just in my arms, blood everywhere. I'm running. And I'm running backwards because if you turn your back on a coyote, Monica, this is good for you to know. If you turn your back, they chase. If you face them, they stop immediately. Normally you hear like they don't like human. So if there's like a human in the mix, they'll run away, but they're not. But they're not attacking her. They're after him in my arms. She's holding cold cuts, you know, they think they can just grab a little bit. Totally. And so I'm kind of going backwards and turning around every few seconds to keep that one coyote back. And I get to the tree and I see the other two dogs and they're okay. And I quickly unhooked leashes like I call it a yard sale. Like everything just got left. And I'm kicking dogs. I'm kicking them and screaming. I'm like, go, go, just get out of here as fast as we can. Oh my god. And one of the dogs I unhooked is my dog, Remi, who's this big Mississippi street dog lab. He's just the smartest, coolest dog. And he knew exactly how to handle the situation. He turns around and just starts lunging, but not making contact. And he's lunging. And then it's giving me time to kind of like get a little further away with Billy, who I'm now like basically dragging on the ground through the leaves, bleeding a mess. And all the dogs are running. And finally, Remi keeps that coyote far enough back that it stops escorting us out. It was basically escorting us out of its territory. We get to the car, throw everybody in. I could probably tell you another story about an unauthorized situation that it didn't happen. It was the scariest thing. So we get in the car and I call the vet. And I'm like, I'm coming in hot. I don't know what I'm coming in with. Billy's not making noise anymore. The other dogs, the one that was with me got a big bite, taken out of the back of his leg. And I'm like, whatever, triage. He's okay. But we got to get Billy. We got there. And I bring Billy and he's mangled. He's eviscerated. Those coyotes, their job is to kill things as quickly as possible. So they go for head, neck, soft belly under the arms, the softest, but he's just torn to shreds. They stabilize him. They sedate him and they're like, you know, he's going to need to go to a bigger vet closer to Boston. So at that point, my husband had come and he had taken the other three dogs. He took them to another vet. They're getting rabies, boosters. I mean, it's just a total disaster. I bring him to the bigger vet. And they take them back and they're just like, listen, his intestines are coming out of it. He's a mess. They're like, we don't know what's going to happen. So after hours and hours and surgery, internal stitching, external stitching, he made it. He came out of it. I sent you guys some pictures and it's him right after the attack. Oh, he's a sad boy. He's a good boy. This is so obscene. Those are drains. You can see coming out of him. And then the last pictures of him with my son. And this one, he looks like a wise professor when he's with your son. He's the best dog. He's actually 15 years old now, and I still have Remy, my hero, who kept the coyotes back. And he's still with us too, and they're my buddies. And it was such a crazy story. But I have to say, after I got over the shock of it, it was one of those moments where this horrific thing happens and you make it and you make good decisions and you you figure it out. And afterward you're so empowered by it. Like, oh my god, I'm such a bad person. Yeah. The nightmare happened and you rose to the occasion. Yeah. And I still take them. Well, not as much anymore because now they're really old, but I do still take them in the woods all the time. I just now I make a lot more noise when I'm walking because I think what we determined after talking a lot of different people who know wildlife, they said that what likely happened because there was three coyotes together, which doesn't always happen. Billy got too close to a den that had pups. And that's what happens in early April. It was just like the perfect storm. We just were too close. He surprised them. And I think Monica, what you think is correct, if you make a ton of noise and you're just living your life normally and walking, they're not going to try and take on a person or even a healthy dog. It's just that if one threatens where they have babies, they have to get rid of the threat. Well, that's funny. You'd point that out because what I was just about to say is I am fascinated by the power of identity when a woman has decided she's the mother of something and breath of what they're capable of just goes up exponentially. Yeah, absolutely. It was not even a question. It was I'm going in. It's the worst that can happen. Yeah, but you deduct your baby from that scenario and you're not going anywhere. It's really impressive. I do still have a little PTSD though. When I do see a coyote, I kind of get like a rapid heartbeat. And I'm like, okay, I hate them. You know, you could bring wolf pee with you. It's a deterrent. I bought a bunch of it. I bring bear spray. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. I might not use it correctly. And then I'll end up now blind. A great risk that you'll spray yourself. You'll shoot it up wind and then you're fucked. It's funny. The one photo of him, he's just got his head kind of slung low. He's fresh out of clearly the vet. This is the exact same look that Frank had when he was gouge from remember he went under the fence and then he was trying to come back under and two coyotes were getting them from behind as he got back under. They just have the most stunned. They're like paralytic for a while. Yeah, like obviously like probably the adrenaline dump and then afterwards are just sedated. Well, I think they're so like humble too. Yeah. I mean, most of my dogs, whenever they see a coyote, they're like, I'm going to take that ass like they're so on it. But I think when one gets the better of them, they're like, that thing is I didn't know you got down like that. I thought we were going to like nip at each other exactly totally sniff each other's ass nip nip and on our way. I thought we were here for a good time. Oh, well, Sarah, what a valiant defense. Thank you. Do you guys mind if I do some shout out? Oh, we love that. We love a show. So my family, my husband, Tim and my kids, Callie and then I have to give them a shout out because all I ever do is I'm like, you guys, I have to tell you what that's a monocle we're saying to your poor family. And then the two people had introduced me to you guys are my cousins Cara and Katie. And I'm sure they're going to submit a story at some point. But I'm so glad that I found you guys because I have more fun listening to you. Oh, thank you. Cara and Katie. Sarah, thank you so much. That was a great story. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. This is fun. Okay. Take care. Bye. Bye. Hello, guys. Hi, Darren. Where are you? I live in Kentucky, but I actually am visiting family in Ireland at the moment. I was going to say you do not sound like you got the Apple action drawing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where in Ireland? I'm from the west of Ireland. It's a great place to be from. Did you have to pause to let any sheep pass as you approached your family's houses? Well, I live on a farm. So there's no shortage of animals around here. So it is very rural as you might imagine. Yeah. What brought you to Kentucky? I mean, this is a very famous migration. Most of the people in Kentucky are Scott's Irish or sure. Kentucky's two signature industries are horses and bourbon. So it's horses that brought me to Kentucky to Lexington. Correct. Oh, no kidding. And what do you do with horses? I work in sales for a stod farm. Okay. And without divulging anyone's personal secrets, I am always shocked when I watch these documentaries. Some of the fees that these studs reach, right? If they're like Kentucky Derby winners or whatever. Like what's the most expensive horse you've seen sold? One recently was 10.5 million down in Ocala, Florida for a two-year-old. Oh, 10.5 million. For a two-year-old? Oh, a two-year-old horse. That could get a cold and die. It's not like a car that, I mean, it's wild. I know. But how much can that 10 million-dollar horse then produce in sperm? Exactly. The top of the market stallions are stunning for a quarter of a million a serve per mayor and they could breed up to 200 mayors in a season. So you do the math. It adds up pretty fast. I got to get in the horse racket. I wonder if it was that lady who told me I could play black in Ocala. You think I might have heard who bought or sold the horse? I hope for her that she's thriving with that horse. Okay, so you have an animal attack story. I do. Does not involve horses? Takes place about 20 years ago in Thailand. Oh, you will not stay put. This is great. Lots of locations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a James Bond film. Me and the girl I was dating at the time, let's call her Jill. So we were in the middle of a two-week vacation, having a great time for reference. It was about a year or two after this tsunami had hit. So parts of it were still getting back on its feet, but it was still open for business and tourism was in full life. This story takes place on Co-PP, which is obviously a beautiful island off the coast of Thailand. And there, we decided to take a sunset cruise. Now, part of the main attraction for this cruise for me was getting to tour Maya Bay, which is the movie made famous by Leonardo DiCaprio in the beach. Yeah, yeah, I went to Krabi, right? Is that right there, too? Yes, exactly. Those incredible little outgross in the middle of the ocean that looked like upside-down mountains. That movie came out when we were in our early 20s. And obviously with a lot of wanderlust, we watched it more than once. And it was popular in our friendship circle. So again, that was the main attraction for this sunset cruise. And so about 75 people went on the cruise that evening. And as we took off, our first port of call was Monkey Beach. And so as this was a decent-sized ship, we duck some ways from the shore. They were a number of options to get to the beach. You could either wait for the dinghy to ferry you over, you could swim, or you could snorkel. Now, this is a good time to mention that I can't swim. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh my god. That seems crazy. You're from a country surrounded by water. Half of us here can't swim. It's really cool. It's a bit of a cliche in Ireland. But anyway, I will say Jill was a strong swimmer. She was actually a qualified lifeguard. And we had been a bit adventurous. I was actually doing some snorkeling. I was using a life jacket around my waist and had clocked maybe 60, 90-minute sessions with amazing sea life and offer. So I definitely had an overinflated sense of confidence in my abilities. Okay. And so I took option C, which was to snorkel. Oh, no. Without a live fest. This is a terrible point. No, I'm sorry. This is such a man thing to do. Yeah, it sounds like a plan I would be in the middle of. So I grabbed the snorkel and a pair of flippers and I make my way down into the water. I set off from the ship. And after about 15, 20 seconds, I take my head up to see how I'm doing. And I was quite shocked by how much further it looked from eye level than it did from on top of the ship. And so I look back and I have made hardly any progress and I start to panic. And so I drop the head and just absolutely power it to the shore. I do it in one movement without stopping or looking up again, thankfully make it to the shore. And I'm beyond exhausted. Honestly, he thought I was in the verge of having a heart attack, but I gather myself and I look over. And Jill must have been in one of the first boats because she is on her haunches with the tour guide feeding the monkeys. And it's all going well. But then I guess what happened, she had her her fist kind of semi-closed. And there was a piece of banana on her index finger. And I guess one of the monkeys thought she was withholding banana from it. It got angry and it literally jumped up and sunk its teeth into her forearm. Are these macaques? Do you know is that what we're dealing with? We're small, maybe knee high. I didn't get what type they were, but they were small. And there were many bastards. Oh my gosh. So Jill obviously freaks out. She jumps up. She's got a monkey attached to her arm. She's swinging it around. It's still attached. Oh my god. Think of the damage it's doing to the tish-soft tissue. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Finally after I don't know how long 10, 15 seconds, it let go. But it starts screaming bloody murder. And it raises the alarm. No, no, no, no, no. 30 other monkeys. No, no, no, no. This all happened pretty fast, but I look around and the the truth. guys are doing nothing. I looked to my right, everyone who had been approaching the shore, stopped in the high water and were not advancing any further. They're all watching with their mouths open. And I'm going, what the heck? Like, this is my girlfriend. I got to defend her. I jump in front of her and I start charging back this group of 30 plus monkeys. I honestly couldn't tell you how many it was. I'm swinging kicks. I'm throwing punches. I'm doing anything. I can't literally fight this group of monkeys. Oh my god. This is my dream and nightmare all at once. Yeah, it's like I want this to happen and I don't want it to happen. I will say they were small and they were fast. I don't think I actually made any contact with any of them. Yeah, yeah. Anyone from PETA's listening? No, you look like you're fighting fly, yeah, like you're having to fucking the manic break. Despite all my best efforts, obviously I did not connect with them. What I did manage to do was twarf the attack. It dissipated them. It scattered them in different directions. And it was surprisingly quickly. The temperature just simmered in their group. And so we all retreated. And Jill got some much needed first days attention. She got a bandage on her arm. Well, she needs some rabies. Yeah, she needs some shots. That's where I'm going. Oh, oh, this ends with Jill getting rabies. It's me. Foming at the mouth. Her arm gets bandaged and that's the end of the monkey feeding session. Clearly and everyone starts to make their way back to the boat the way they came. Well, that's great for everybody except me because I'm here with my snorkel and flippers going ain't no way I'm going back in that water again. And so the last two people to make it to the shore were these two bikini cloud girls on some sort of small banana boat flotation device that just about the two of them could fit on. And they were having the time of their lives. They were giggling laughing, but they had two kayak paddles. And it looked like it was their first time ever using a kayak paddle. So I look around. I've got no other options. And so I have to swallow my pride cap in hand and approach these two nice ladies and go. Is there any way I could catch a ride with you? Yeah. Good for you. But really quick, Darren, what the fuck is this tour operation doing? Why can't they make two trips in the boat? Why is this your problem? Again, this happened 20 years ago. Everyone disappeared. I don't know. Would they have left without me? Yeah. But this was me in the moment just wanting to get back to the ship. I asked the girls and they were very nice. They said, absolutely, but you got to jump in the middle. And I said, actually, I'm pretty good at paddling. Why don't I grab one of the paddles and then we'll get back in a jiffy. They both responded in unison. If you want to ride, it got to sit in the middle. They were slow on the way over. They were slower on the way back with my extra weight. So by the time we're getting back, everyone is on the ship. They're all leaning over board going, what is the hold up? And as we approach the ship, my hair still won't say, look, there's the guy who's fighting the monkey. So that was about as much attention as I needed for the entire trip. But as manic and as wild as that incident was, we got back on the ship. We finished our excursion. We made it to Maya Bay. It was absolutely beautiful. We met some friends, got some great pictures. And on the way back to Copipi, they cooked up a gorgeous rice meal and it really finished really beautifully the trip. And so we get back to shore and we find the clinic. And of course, like you said, the nurse changes her bandage and goes, you need a rabie shot. And so she got her first shot there and then and then said, every two days we need to define the clinic and get, I think I think it was three shots in total. But don't put on that. Yeah, these rabies shots are like advanced. Like if to keep going, it's like crazy thing. And so we get back to the hotel room that night and I do a little light internet research. Obviously, we don't have rabies in Ireland. And all the other was my only point of reference. I knew it wasn't good. But as I research more and more, I think to myself, maybe we should get separate rooms for a few nights, you know, just to be on the safe side. But for the trauma, Jill had gone through, I kept told talks to myself, which was the right move. In all fairness, I didn't think the monkey was rabid. It was just an unfortunate banana misunderstanding. And that's how it played out. The rest of our trip was fantastic. And it was definitely one of the most beautiful vacations I've ever taken. And certainly one of the most memorable. I presume because we're using a fake name, you didn't stay with Jill. Unfortunately, enough, I moved to Kentucky, Lexington and met my now lovely wife, who was also from the States. You chasing your horse dreams. Exactly. What a great story. Yeah. I loved it. I love that you ended up on one of those emasculating banana boats on the way back. You had like a lot of components. Full range of masculinity. It's like you were a hero. And then you were, no, I'll say you were, you had some motto for no reason. And then you were an actual hero. And then you were humbled. Humbling aside, I was equally as happy just to be not in the water getting that ride back. So I did thank them in the moment, but I didn't thank them enough for saving me on the way back. Well, in the off chance, there are arm cherries. If you weren't a banana boat in 2006. That's right. And had a large Irishman get in your boat. Hopefully it's memorable for them. I'm sure you don't forget that. Well, they're what delight me, sir. And you too, I will say I've been a listener from day one during COVID you guys were lifeline. So again, thank you again. Love the show. And we'll continue to listen. My pleasure. If you swam since. So actually the last year, I have made a concerted effort. And I will say freestyle was the one stroke I wanted to master, the breathing underwater side to side. So I can do like a length in a 25 meter pool. Catch a 10 second break and come back. So that's the level I'm not. I can't do maybe 15 laps in a 25 meter pool. Here's your swimmer. Yeah, we're good. Trading water. And in deep water, I panic. Okay, you know, still I haven't overcome that hurdle. Thank you. I make it to the Olympic. I think I will rule out LA 23 or whatever the hell is. What if we went to the bucket? To USC swim. Complex. What a story. And yeah, in the monkeys, they are cheering them on the full circle. The girls in the butter floating around photographing. I'm sensing an AI generated. Yeah, feed that in Rob. All right, Dan, we'll have a great trip to Ireland. Thank you so much guys. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Christy, can you hear us? I can hear you. Can you hear me? Beautiful. Hold on. I'm seeing a lot of ribbons accolades. What's happening? I took your advice and I'm in my daughter's closet and she's obsessed with softball. Oh, okay. Is she a player? This is actually her first like serious year and she's getting into pitching and I was freakishly obsessed with softball as well. So it's cool that she likes it and she's actually pretty decent. But they get cooler stuff because I used to get like the stupid ugly plastic trophies and they get like these rings. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That way right there, that big old mattress ring. That's like a Super Bowl ring. And it's like heavy. She thinks that it's real and I'm like, yeah, it's totally real. It does also like a group like character back there. Or Jesus. No, that's Jesus. Oh, yeah. And actually, this is backup Jesus. Regular Jesus does not leave. I know Daxie of a Delta, but we have Della. Oh, yeah, regular Jesus doesn't leave Della's side. He was actually even in our family pictures. So this is backup Jesus. This is the first time I'm seeing a Jesus stuffy. I didn't even know if the Protestants wouldn't like that. Maybe the Catholics would. Where are we at with stuffy Jesus? They do go to Catholic school. Okay. But we were raised very Lutheran and not a strict. So got it. I think it's adorable. I've never seen it with the cutest thing for the listener about the baby Jesus is then he comes with a little cloak on like he has a little tunic on. But sometimes she likes to take the robe off. And I feel like it's a little sacrilege. Right. She wants to see it's naughty. Jesus is naughty on these. And she's nine. So she's not doing it on purpose. But I'm also like Della. You kind of need to chill with Jesus. Okay. Christy, where are you? I am in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I'm from Minnesota. So huge Vikings fan. But I did move to Packer's country. And now I've been in Eau Claire, Wisconsin for 20 years. You know, I was just looking at a map on Instagram of drinking rates. Oh, yeah. We're number one. You're not just number one. You're like number one. The way Sean White won the goal. So it's an outline of the whole country. And you see each day. And then there's a color sequence. And red is like the highest drinking. I'm talking maybe only five or six dates have little red dots. And Wisconsin is on fire. It's just a smear of red. And I was like, wow, go get it. Wisconsin. I'm surprised. I think it's the really cold winter. There's nothing else to do. But also in the summer, then you're celebrating that there's at least one day of 80 degrees. So you have to drink. I was a little disappointed Michigan wasn't a hot or spot. I'm surprised the south isn't. I was too. The south is not at all. It's like it's it was in the greens because of the Bible belt. Right. But it's offsetting. Wow. Second to you guys was Wyoming. They're getting it on up there. And North Dakota because there's nothing else to do there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great. So we covered drinking Wisconsin. Okay. I do have an animal tax story. So last year, I had just gotten a brand new bike. And my son was playing baseball at the baseball fields by us. And so I decided to ride my bike there. And anywhere I go on my bike, it's usually like five miles. But to get to his baseball game, it was uphill like this little bike path. Oh, Claire is a ton of bike pass. And so I went up this hill on this bike path into the left as woods. And then to the right is a really narrow street. So there's no shoulder like you can't pull over. And his game ended. And they're actually fundraising to to get lights on the field so the games have to end and his did. But Chrissy Wisconsin in the summer. Well, it was me. It was getting to be dusk. And I didn't know that this was going to be a factor until later on. But then I came back down this bike trail hill. And I just for the record, I absolutely love it. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit careful. I mean, it was either pew, pew, and I felt like I was spitting enough that it would be good. Or it was like boom, boom, like I don't have a machine gun. I don't have a machine gun. Like, give you a ride home, I can put the bike in the back. And I'm like, I've already made it this far. My adrenaline's going to had to have burned some mad cows. I might as well go the rest of the way home. And I did and it was fine. There wasn't anything else that had happened. But I was talking to my husband later on 'cause then I did all this research. Like, how do I make sure this doesn't happen again? And I said that I was gonna bring pepper spray, but apparently that would just like make them spicy chicken 'cause they don't have like the smell receptors. - Oh, all right. You don't respond to capsaicin or whatever. - I know how. You just don't go pet them. - Okay. - I think that's just cool. - Hold on. - That still wasn't an option for me. - Oh, okay, I see. - When I researched this, one of the main things it tells you not to do is make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they're like games on. Apparently they take it offensively and you're threatening their home and whatever else. And because it had been dusk, they're surveying their surroundings because they're gonna roost like in the trees. So they wanna make sure that underneath them is protected. And so just being there at that time also was putting them on high alert. So I think that's why they were pissed at me. Because on the way there, you know, it was like sunny and 5 p.m. They weren't even there. - We have some photos, yeah? - Yeah, I did send you some photos. - Okay, great. Oh, yeah, your legs are hot mass. They're scratched. - Oh, yeah. So this happened like on a Tuesday and then on a Friday on our local Facebook, there was a news article on how like these turkeys have become out of control. They interviewed this guy who was also attacked by a turkey and it was like less dramatic than my story and they still just ripped him a new one. Like, oh my God, it's a turkey. How can you be scared? Like you're so weak, you're such a wuss. And I'm like, people don't understand. Like you should have our own support because it was awful. - Yeah, they're kind of like the jackals of the bird world but the swans are the ones, they're polar bear. - They see you in a canoe, they might kill you. - Yeah, maybe. I'd pet it. - Yeah, sure. Oh, this has been a delight, Christy. Yeah, thank you for sharing. - Hannah got me interested. I work with her in your podcast and I've loved it ever since and then my friend, Alison, and I always listen and compare notes. I also save them up because I'm so high strong that I hate waiting and then I'll like binge them. So I was bingeing the twin episode and I'm a twin for 12.20, no. - Yeah, when Emma emailed me. So I was like, it's meant to be. - Yeah. - And then my son Jack plays baseball and Della, they also listen to you sometimes, which they probably shouldn't because they're nine and 10. - But then lastly, Dax, my brother, he was mainly an alcoholic in his late 20s and then he succumbed to addiction when he was 31 in 2020. So whenever you talk about your struggles, your honesty about addiction, you're probably sick of hearing about it but I do appreciate it so much. - I don't ever get sick of hearing that and I'm so sorry to hear that about your brother. - And Monica, I know you love the pit. - I am a nurse. - Of course you're a nurse because you're so fun and nurses are so fun. - I did write a book, "Newest Nurse on the Planet." That's really seen this weekend. - Ooh, exciting. - "Newest Nurse on the Planet." - So we talk a lot about the foreign objects and rectum and things like that and all the fun stories. - Truly so fun meeting you. Have a wonderful summer. Enjoy that three months of outdoor drinking. - Yeah, thank you. - Okay. - All right, nice meeting you. - All right, take care. - All right. - I love you. - Do you want to sing a tune or something when you're with him? - Oh, okay, great. ♪ We don't have a thing ♪ ♪ So for this new show ♪ ♪ So here I go, go, go ♪ ♪ We're gonna add some random questions ♪ ♪ And with the help of our cherries ♪ ♪ We'll get some suggestions ♪ ♪ On the fire rhyme dish ♪ ♪ On the fire rhyme dish ♪ ♪ Enjoy ♪