144: Arizona Massage with Nick Rochefort | Soder Podcast | EP 141

Hey everybody, I'm back on the road. I am though. Batavia, Illinois, you were incredible. Those shows at the Comedy Vault, what a club, what a staff, what a crowd. I can't say it enough. I had a hell of a time. Stanford, Connecticut, thank you. That was a hell of a weekend with Greg Stone working on new stuff. Next up, we got July 25th in Montreal, Club Soda, The Late Show. Tickets available at dansoda.com. Then July 31st and August 1st, four shows, Albany, Funny Bone. I'm bringing Sag Daddy to God. Go get tickets. We're doing four shows at the Funny Bone. That's July 31st and August 1st, Albany, Funny Bone. Then August 20th to August 22nd, I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. Beautiful Spokane, Washington. Dansoda.com. Dansoda.com. For all the dates that I listed, go get them. Working on the new hour, building it, and it's awesome. I really appreciate you guys coming out. I love doing standup, this fucking rules. Thanks for coming out, and thanks for watching the podcast. I hope you're doing all right. There's a lot of shit going on, so I hope you're cool. Super casual here. I like that. Yeah, dude. We're just super casual. Look at that. You guys got a lot of nice gear here. Well, you know what it is? Oh, you don't have to be owned by these places anymore. Yeah, it's funny how they figured that out. The XM's like, don't tell them that cameras are only eight grand for the best ones. B&H, you're taking us down a peg. Fuck. They went to PC Richard and Son. Oh, that son of a bitch and his bastard just cutting us at the knees. There's just a board room at Sirius XM with a fucking cork board of who they need to kill. We took out the whiz. That was easy. Mullen. Mullen doesn't know how much cameras are, do they? Good. He's unfamiliar on how to Google a camera. Good. I was watching him the other night from three tables over. He couldn't figure shit out. You're like one of the only people I know. We live in an age now of like Peter Pan, just like all the guys in our 40s now are just giant children. I'm a prime example. Oh, man. There's wrestling dummies behind you and shit. These are valuables. Goddamn right. But this is why I love Nick. This is why I love and obviously Nick Rochefort. Go watch everything he does. He's a scuff realtor. Just did a live one. You're the fucking funniest. Appreciate that. You are the man that every one of my friends. This is why I'm bringing this up. You're the guy I know that all my friends call with dad questions. Big dad questions. You are the de facto dad. To comedians. But like to fun comedians. Yeah. Oh, no, I have no problem. I will. I will assume it's OK, man. Listen, man, you give me a call when you're in a little bit of trouble. You got a big check. You're nervous about that kind of money. Yeah. You walked away from the weekend. You got thirty one thousand. You got you got one of those last weekend, too, and then a couple of weeks you got one of those before. Now we got one hundred grand. You're thinking, do I do a house? I want us. I want a car that goes really fast. And I'm like, easy, brother. Easy. So I have no problem whatsoever. And I will take the phone. I take the phone call like it's my son in a fucking like at a frat house, like on a drug he never took before. Dad, but it's Lewis going, hey, there's an Audi. And I really wanted to go from from from from. It's like, I know you do. I lose. I know you do. It's like in this girl with me and she really thinks I'm hot. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. She's just stupid. What did we talk about your insurance? And he goes, oh, no, I know. Twenty accidents in six months is really bad. I know it's my Puerto Rican driving skills. Yeah, but a Lewis goes smash like a hole. But it is I guess the question is, is because like you're talking to a guy that follows that account on Instagram of like, here's how you do stuff. That dad that started. It's like it was like a feel good story was like, here's how you change a tire. Yeah. And I followed him because that's the kind of hole I have inside of me where I'm like, I need that. I get. How do you learn that shit? Did your dad put my dad? My dad was dad. I had like four dads. So like my dad's rule. Yeah. Right. He's like, I'm he rolled with like a bunch of guys that had no problem being like my daughter is a like an emo fuck up. But your son listens to you, Rocky. My dad. Yeah. You guys. I think he, I think he saw the movie. He was like, no, I'm going to change my, his name's Richard. He was like, nah, fuck that. Rocky, which is totally nuts. Especially the fact that he looked like Freddie Mercury growing up. It's so fucking cool that he saw it. He goes, I like this kind of retarded Italian. I'm Rocky too. Hey, everybody's always called me that. I'm rock. No dude. I've been Rocky since I was a little kid. His father's like, no, no, it's not. We called you Richard. You know, Richard a Dickie. It's more. Fuck that. I'm not Dickie. I'm Rocky. He's looking at his Dickie. He's like, no, it's not. It's Rocky, the boxer and my stupid girlfriend. My dogs. I call him Buckus. Mick. Yeah. But your dad, was he putting you onto like, I grew up in a car, like a small car dealership of like, imagine like a single garage with that can fit two cars and then a little man door. And then an office may be the size of this room with a desk. I grew up in a car. It was like a small car dealership of like, imagine like a single garage with that can fit two cars and then a little man door and then an office, maybe the size of this room with a desk. And three guys just used to hang out. No jobs. A commercial painter named junior uncle June bug, uh, Howard, all dead. All these guys are now dead. And one of them was like a builder. One of them was like a, like a painter. And then, uh, my dad and then like my uncle Tommy wouldn't. Tommy was like a biker kind of guy, but they would have, my dad never kicked me out of the room with men. That's the best. Which is really weird. He'd be like, Hey, uh, the crooked cop is going to sell us a gun. Stay right here. And like the, and it would be like three guns on the ground and he'd be like, ah, and this is like people, this sounds like the most like cap story. And it's totally true. He's like, yeah, that gun's cool. And he bought like a really cool, like a 1911 with like a handle. And he's like, you know, there's been people, the city's getting worse, but we worked at, we lived at a buy. Uh, we did buy here, pay here auto, which is you $1,500 down $40 a week. And I would collect the money from the people on Saturdays. My dad would go buy cars at dealerships. Like he'd go to the back of the dealerships and buy the trade-ins basically. Yeah. So on Saturday he would leave at nine and I would sit there from nine to 12 and I would collect like 35, $45 off an index card. And I would expect like, let's just say 60 people to come in and give me $35. I would tuck it with their index card. And that's what they would come in and go like, Hey, so-and-so here's 40 bucks. Here's my, I'm Mrs. Johnson. And, um, I paid, you know, it's, I have the Cadillac. Your dad sold me and he would be like, all right, here you go. And then like, how old are you when you're doing this? Uh, like nine crazy nuts. Crazy alone. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. And I would be like, you know, I'm a little bit older than you. I'm a little bit older than you. going to i'm gonna try to show you my pottery just what a company mashup with a gun smith smith and weston and pier one imports bring you yeah that's cool so you don't want to show that but that's that's it that's cool yeah but it's gone they were like the guy who built it for me posted it and everybody's like who's the fucking idiot who built this gun and they were like nick don't ever break in my house again watch out you've got a fucking laser point on your dick you're like so freaking dead right now i'm about to blow your hips out bitch if you robbed my house it would be like they used to sound like they used to have an antique store and they'd be like oh dude aren't you afraid of people stealing i'm like who are these gay burglars that are gonna steal like oh bitch can you grab the warhol someone i hear someone and you hear it because it gasps they go oh i've been looking for this you know someone's broken in someone's in here someone's in the house click click click click like heels it's like i'm hearing my dog run down the hallway cop a girl oh my phone's ringing oh oh my god turn on silent you fucking slut romeo you better be outside turn the car around to get the fuck out of here i've got a first edition rupaul drag race that is framed in here do y'all stay yeah but that kind of you calling it a school shooter handgun makes me think if you say that when you're buying the gun remember oh yeah we'd try to buy a bong and you'd call it a bong yeah and they go it's a water pipe everything in here is for tobacco only you do wonder if that's how uh i'm not a big enough gun guy to know the answer me neither but talking like that in a gun store we're going like i know a family i can make disappear with this and they hate we can't do that now we can't now we can't sell it that's right and i'm like this you're gonna blow me tonight right honey you're gonna blow me tonight right honey it's the same energy i had when i was at 15 at smokies with a z being like oh then i'll be like this i'm gonna get so high and the guy's like dude i'm gonna get so high and the guy's like dude i'm gonna get so high come on now i can't sell to you 15 year old kid yeah but you go fuck you why'd you fire me yeah just whispering stuff to yourself fuck you i told you i told you revenge would be mine who's the who's the fat who's got fat tits now eddie stay asleep stay the fuck asleep i got 411 dollars for this gun start doing this worse stuff where you go baby i know this is scary get in the car we gotta go away from mommy hold on it just does feel natural baby go maybe the car's 97 just the two of us just you and i say mama hey are you singing bonnie and clyde 97 because i can't no no no no no i was thinking zz talk i was just a little baby boy you're not allowed to sing m&m and look at guns yeah they're like no you gotta give me that sorry dude you can't like they point to a sign it's like no m&m slim shady lp album wayne's rolled when he does stairway to heaven hey buddy we got a strict rule because guns are fun i lived in arizona i grew up in colorado where like cash app there's a lot of uh hey everybody i don't know how to sometimes i don't know how to start these where i just go like hi everyone i'm here to talk to you about a subject but you know everything's digital now all your money cash is still king in my eyes but you need an app you need an app to bank you need an app to pay friends for stuff cash app is a great app if you're looking for an app that makes you feel good with security if you weren't up to speed already cash app is way more than just a safe way to send and receive money with the cash app card you unlock a ton of perks which is great plus discounts on everyday purchases and you can add your card to your digital wallet to make your money moves easier cash app also adds security to your money by declining any suspicious card transactions and sending you a notification to make sure the payment is actually you if your card is ever lost or stolen you could lock it with just one tap right in the app that's probably a very underrated feature that people need to realize if you ever lose your credit card if you have a cash app card you lose it just go to the app bam and now it's fine one click of a button cash app can do way more than you think and it can make your money work if you do direct deposit at least 500 in paychecks every month and use the cash app card for purchases you can earn interest on your savings no hidden fees and no minimum balance requirements new cash app customers can use the cash app card for purchases you can earn interest on your savings no hidden fees and no minimum balance requirements new cash app customers the code cash app 10 in their profile at sign up and send five dollars to a friend within 14 days terms apply so do that get yourself free five free 10 bucks dude it's pretty sick cash app is a financial service platform not a bank banking services provided by cash app bank partners prepaid debit cards issued by sutton bank member fdic cash app visa debit flex cards issued by sutton bank member fdic and the bank court bank north america pursuant to a license from visa usa incorporated see terms and conditions for the sutton prepaid card sutton debit flex card and bank court bank core debit flex card cash app green features savings direct deposit roundups overdraft coverage and discounts provided by cash app a block incorporated brand visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure square square in the business you own now make money um i mean remember back in the day i used to go on the road with bobby kelly and i would sell t-shirts for him and i was horrible at it and people would be like oh here i have a debit card and i'd be like yeah it's 20 bucks cash and they'd be like well i don't have cash and i'd be like well it was nice meeting you and now all i had to do was get a square you get a square you put it on your phone taps your credit card you see how much you paid you get you get it all to break down right there square is a platform behind the scenes is so many businesses you already love whether it's someone selling t-shirts at a comedy club whether they're cutting hair fixing bikes or running a boutique square gives them one connected system to take payments manage inventory and run payroll send invoices and track it all from one place no contracts no hidden fees no complicated installs just tools that accept every major payment let you see sales and inventory and help you access your earnings immediately with square banking if you're or running one that deserves better tools square helps you sell manage and grow without slowing down right now you can get up to 200 off square hardware at square.com slash go slash soda that's s-q-u-a-r-e dot com slash geo slash soda run your business smarter with square get started today guns the first time i was around a gun was my uncle who like lived up in the mountains and it's the first time you're done with a gun and you're like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god disciplined i think that's what's important yeah it's being yelled at by a man as a boy about gun safety where you feel stupid yes because what happened is i had the rifle and you're always supposed to keep it pointed up finger off the trigger or whatever and i was fucking like nine years old and i went like that he went what the fuck like which is how you're supposed to react right and then it's and i was like oh you know that thing where you're like i'm sorry i'm sorry your uncle's like no dude you're just aiming a gun at everybody yeah you're like yeah and then i grew up and then would go to ranges in arizona dude i'd wake up hungover and just go to go shoot it's like a massage in arizona yeah it's an arizona massage yeah it's just $40 worth of ammo out there they love they do that's where i shot a lot with um the administrative results guys and they took it so seriously you know when you drive in arizona you see the highway and they're like where are we gonna shoot these things they're like you know when you drive down the highway they're like we're gonna go like up there yeah like in the middle of the highway and they're into a hill and we just took the amount of guns that was taken out on a table they were like yeah this is i was like how the fuck do you guys have all like this is this you could take over a fucking small country with this amount of like 18 guys and this much firepower could literally you could take over like parts of uh like albania like cities and i mean good luck yeah no what am i talking about yeah what am i never see what they're doing to a vodka jared kushner yeah they're like come get this island they're like pushing trailers off cliffs and shit it comes up on my feed and i second of it yeah albanians are the toughest motherfuckers yeah you're right they would fuck me up i'm sorry i said that uh who is this motherfucker talking this man think he's so strong and powerful why don't you come here try to take what i have i will take the double-headed eagle will kill you they uh falconer kills me it's like they are the toughest uh vecchione you don't like vecchione uh i lived with him for 10 years he's uh obsessed with mafia shit like obsessed with there was a guy that used to work at gotham comedy club that was a retired nypd but what he specifically did was he turned informants that's what he did for the nypd for like 30 or 40 years wow so he would turn guys he was a rat maker yeah rat king rat king you're fucking you are now a rat but he said he's terrified okay i don't know what i got he but he'd explain to mike family work like the italians yeah the colombo or the colonel but if you got an italian how you would get him is go hey listen we're not gonna fuck with your family your family can keep the money you're just gonna help us get a case over a guy above you so they always knew to go with the family yeah like he said with like i think and again this is like a story that vecchione told me over 10 years ago but he said like the asian like the triads and the yakuza couldn't whatever information you give us, and then we, kind of like almost like a business deal he said the ones you couldn't crack were the albanians really albanians were like the albanian mob was like they said a thing of like if you join it we you have to have people that live in albania yeah so that if you rat they just kill them no way yeah they go like well we're just gonna wipe out your whole family and they go and the guy from the nypd was like never got one no way never got an albanian that's i heard that about uh the chinese guys in providence where okay you pull over a chinese kid kid with a gun from boston yeah and they don't say one word he's what he's got the accent he's like what the fuck are you doing you're pulling me over here what the fuck are you doing i wasn't fucking speeding i wasn't even driving well hey you like do you like apples uh come on you're chinese he's like well i got nothing to say to you how do you like them apples but they would say nothing it was horrifying they wouldn't just they wouldn't roll like that that's for like you that story from the mob guys that from providence they were like the chinese the cop mob guys yeah it'd be like no no they say no words from the time you stop them find the gun to the four years through they just sit there and take it yeah and then when they're done they probably when they're done sitting on it they don't even probably get a giant party like italians do where there's women with boas on and shit it's just a old chinese guy smoking a marble 100 and he goes that's it so don't and he goes and then he just leaves just gets in a car drive does four years yeah that's what it is no party no i mean the albanians i'm you know you're right who's the who's the peace who's the most peaceful country in the world then is denmark who's the easiest one to conquer denmark denmark here's the thing you want to say scandinavia yeah but then all you got to do is look into the history and go oh you turn them on you're in trouble yeah i think they're pleasant people i went to stockholm which i loved and i wanted oh i love sweden were they nice to you they're unbelievable i went i lived in stockholm for a month really and they yeah i lived in uh lilia holman which is right now by the way good luck pronouncing it yeah yeah i'm half swedish and i can't pronounce it yeah they're like they go oh it's shooter like how they say my last name and i go oh it's shooter and they go no it's shooter i've said this before it's so frustrating because i'm like how am i saying it wrong i'm saying it just like you are they're like and the girls are so gorgeous gorgeous and i remember being there and they were like uh everybody i went i left on thanksgiving night i dated a girl a long time ago and i went to go see her and she was in sweden she lived in she went to the stockholm school of economics i was like why did i you ever date a girl and then cool life dude it was a cool life she was a cellist you ever date a girl and then stop dating a girl and then be like why the fuck did i stop dating that girl and then the second you're in date minute one you're like oh that's right because you get drunk and you turn into a huge bitch yeah oh shit i like literally forgot that and then when she was oh yeah that's right you got totally annihilated and then made me and my guys like i had a landscape coming made me and my guys like move furniture for you and you like you bossed us around for two weeks and i hated you oh and i was like shit and now i'm already like living with her that returning anxiety yes where you go oh no i forgot this is how you make me feel and now i'm fucking regretting your apartment and i don't like you and i'm living in a lilia home and with her for like it was like two weeks then we went to amsterdam but i remember like we were trying to party and like smoke weed and shit and i was like i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that they don't they weren't sharing their weed with me i was fat i mean i was like this but i felt like i was 1900 pounds yeah they're all that build lean yeah they're tall and lean yeah it's like pecking not all of them some swedes are chubby some that came to america my family was big for some reason really i have fat swedish gets him out of here what's he goes you can't call us that that's what they say we're walking towards them hey sven not fucking cool yeah yeah yeah they're like you homer simpson is over here eating all the cheese don't breathe around him or eat it he'll eat your breast because he's hungry he eats your breath the breast eater that's what you find out they call you the breath eater well that's what a skinny kid told me i'm outside having a cigarette with that one kid was cool and i was having a cigarette with him and he's in a t-shirt and i'm in a fucking army duffel coat basically like and wrapped up and he and i'm like like trying to rip a butt and he's like you need to control your breathing and i'm like what he's like you need to control your breathing you don't control it and i was like i was like what the fuck this kid's like 111 pounds skinny as all get out and i'm like oh cool this is fun and i'm getting called fat that that is the thing that america needs more of is the european confidence yeah and stuff like that to tell other people what they're doing wrong yeah because in america you go hey buddy what's going on you cold you had an odd cigarette and he goes you need to breathe your breathing is off because your heart heart palpitations because your blood pressure is too high because your diet is poor that's why you were embarrassed when you wanted to take your they take their shoes off in the house and i don't know you remember like poor health 20 i don't know if you guys just like your feet stink when you're like a fucking shit box yeah and my feet are dude my feet are grody really i'm starting to work on them somehow it went away i don't know as i got older maybe my diet changed but like when i and i was like oh cool i have to take my feet off and i'm trying to even though i can't stand this girl i'm still trying to have sex with her yes you're gonna smell my feet she wants to kill herself like my feet smell like so bad i remember there was a good one time i took my shoes off at a party and this girl started crying she was like why do they smell like that she was all coked out oh my god she's like you're bumming me out why did you rape me a coke imagine being on coke and buckling because of the smell of feet like the oily like when your socks crust under your toes smell you know you know when like they get like that what the fuck are you doing to me the socks are hard how did you how did you leave the swedish girl i just was uh we went to we we went to amsterdam and i had like four thousand dollars to my name and like we went out and we did amsterdam night one we went to like boom chicago like an improv i had just got done uc beast improv so i was like let's go see an improv show dude this will be fat oh this is so we go there and it's the fucking worst show i've ever seen i'm i'm this is like pre-stand-up anything i'm heckling i'm being kind of a dick well because you're a dude you're a dude you're a dude you're because you you don't you said you took the improv class yeah i did the month intensive at ucb in la i can't i can't imagine like the energy of coming out of an improv class and then seeing an improv class where you go i can do that too yeah i can do that too oh they're doing zip zap zop i know how to do that yeah yeah they clear the scene where the guy walks in front watch this old hat oh watch this guy's gonna come out he's gonna be a chair it's gonna be inanimate object time hold on watch this but also bad improv is so much worse than bad stand-up yeah oh yeah bad stand-up you pity the guy you or a girl you just go like yeah fuck this sucks yeah this just sucks you lost the room no one cares bad improv it feels like you're at uh friends kids recital that's exactly what it felt like where you go i'm upset i'm mad everybody here right now it felt like you were at like uh like the ibm luncheon or something like that and they're like i heard everybody give me an it like like that energy and we've had some problems with the food court so we put together a little sketch on to show you how to get rid of your waste kyle and then he steps in oops this stuff's jerky oh let me check if it's recyclable and that's and you're just sitting there with a psychotic swede who's like i really don't like your friends this guy's being kind of rude to the performers couldn't you leave and we were just like fuck it but the tickets were like a hundred dollars i remember like i remember the night the first night we were out it was like my my turn was first night she was gonna pay for second night first night we spent like eleven hundred dollars we went to like the anne frank museum yeah and of course i have the inappropriate comments where i'm like this place is huge yeah i'm like this would be 3 800 a month in new york i don't know if i would think everyone's heart's good if i lived in this fucking place that's funny you know what's funny though is the scruff realtor was popping out yeah that's like the beginning of that that was the early onset that's where you're like you're like showing signs what the fuck is this six families living here big deal this is this is it's literally bigger like the anne frank the the hiding area was bigger than this and then anne frank said that one part of it was anne would write in one of the rooms like anne frank supposedly wrote in one of the rooms um and like she would they would clear out the room for her to write damn that's how you know she was spitting and then yeah and then and then she saw anne frank doing her diary looking out the window and put it to eight mile she was looking at her ballpoint pen today it took another family i heard him i pointed at him i saw george i'm a nazi i'm a nazi i'm a nazi i'm a nazi i'm a nazi and are you doing your rhymes yes george soros was an anointed pointed yeah i'm soros boros he's causing wars because he's george soros pointing in oh yeah that's that's real good stuff she's spitting in there oh let's clear it out clear it out and scott pause give her room she's cooking oh if they come by i'll say you can't that's very cooking so that's cooking up rhymes yeah but so you go do all the big things we do all the big things the next day like we woke up and i remember being like i was like poor and she was clearly a rich girl like her mom was a realtor in sweden so she had bread and i was like all right what do you want to do today she's like let's go find me some socks oh i was like like she did it just like that too and i was like nah i want to eat like english breakfast and smoke weed and eat the weird mushrooms and like let's go to the heineken tour today yes and like do that or something and she was like no let's i want to buy a sweater they have the best wool here and i was like and it's like i was like i don't this isn't working and then we just took a like a london we took a train we took a train we took a flight Ryanair flight back. I packed my shit and then I went back to Amsterdam and stayed there for three weeks by myself. Hell yeah. It was the best. Break up Amsterdam? Stayed there. It was, I remember getting so fucked up every night living in a $12 hostel and just falling downstairs all the time. Yeah. Did you, how long were you in Sweden for? I was only there for a week. Did you tour there on comedy? No. Oh, it was fun. I went to go see Queens of the Stone Age. Whoa. They played at Grunerlund, which was like. Oh my God, I love the Grunerlund. It's the Grunerlund, but it's an outdoor, it's like Six Flags, but it's like a historical Six Flags. Really? Yeah, it's like all these bands have played there, like historic, like Jimi Hendrix and the Beatles and shit. Really? And Queens of the Stone Age was there and I was like, fuck it, dude, I want to go to Sweden. And so my buddy from Colorado came with me and we did Sweden for four or five days and then we went to Amsterdam for five days, met up with DJ Lou from the Bonfire, saw Pearl Jam at the arena and then went to Iceland for five days. Get out of here. Iceland was, Reykjavik was the shit. And then we saw Sugar Ray at Iceland, Reykjavik, that's the Blue Lagoon. We worked with Whitest and Lamest. We were going downhill from here. And then we did, oh, who does Steal My Sunshine? I was trying to think. Len. And then we went and saw Len in Iceland. Len was there and they had fastball playing and opening up for us and it was the Cardigans. I was lying on the bench last Monday morning. We're like, this is the best trip ever. No, it's not. Reykjavik was the shit though. Really? And we went there during World Cup 2018. Wow. And Iceland tied with Argentina. Oh my God. And it was like, fuck that. You don't realize there's not a lot of people. 300,000 people. The population is amazingly low. Yeah. Iceland can be conquered with the guns. There it is. We found them. Yeah, it's Iceland. But again, you activate that thing in them that fucking sailed to that island thousands of years ago. Yeah. And I don't think they need guns. I think they rock smash everyone's head. Literally, you're getting killed by a woman with a rock. Like a butt naked woman with like eating your flesh. With a weird face paint. That's the thing where you go, I don't, is she connected? Is she, she's like connected to nature. It's the girl from the knife is playing. Dude, there was a, we like stayed at an Airbnb and it was like, there was a restaurant under and they just like didn't care about us. Yeah. In a way that made us go there every day. But they were like, what do you want? The fish stew? And you're like, please. It was really good. Yeah. And I was like the fish stew. And this, there was one girl there that I was like, she's come with me to America. She was so hot. I was like, come with me to America. I'll make you a queen. If you've ever been in New York city, it'll be like fucking crocodile Dundee, but with an Icelandic bitch. Yes. I would have been a cool look. You come on with like, she's got a little bangs and shit. Like, whoa, so does new chicks fucking crazy. I think she's related to Bjork. They're all related. A little bit. She's my cousin's cousin's friend. It is very nice to be here in Queens with you. Make a cloud your friend. I don't like the train above me, but I ride it with you. You hate her in a week. Shut up. Why do you talk like that? Oh God. She was so fucking hot. I hate her. Everyone says the best pizza in New York is Joe's, but I don't think that's true. Have you ever been to Spanoli, Spanoli gardens in Brooklyn? I go, everyone. I hate you. Shut up you fucking girl. I like the Pantera bread. I go to Dunkin' Donuts and the Indian ladies ask me if I want a coffee. I laugh at them. I can't stand it. This orca is so annoying. My brother cousin's coming to visit if that's okay. He's huge and buff. He's huge and buff and he lifts me for exercise. He's taller than you, Mr. Tall man, Dan Soda. Look at your boobs. He does not have boobs. Your boobs are probably bigger. Why don't you have a baby in your belly? God, she does this to her and it sucks. Oh God. And it makes me cum so fast. She cums ink. You look like that. It looks like a Bic pen, Blue. You're gonna blow up on your dick. At this point in Zawata, you would be confused and I would be gone. Too nice to be confused. I'm a big knife fan. All the knife people are gonna be like, "How the fuck does he know that?" It was cool as fuck though and I would love to go back to Reykjavik. Yeah, I mean, you could. I said it to Ari and then when you say something like that to Ari, it usually becomes a thing. He's like, "All right, we're gonna go now." He'll be like, "When?" And I'm like, "I don't know." And he'll be like, "Summer?" And you go, "Yeah." And he's like, "Okay." And then I guarantee by next summer, he's like, "We're gonna do a show in Reykjavik." I booked it. Yeah, he's awesome for that. He likes that European tour though. Anywhere in the world. Really? He's as far as my friends, like the most ballsiest traveler I know. Yeah, traveling to other countries is cool. I like traveling alone to those, but I'm a married guy now, so that ship sailed. Now that you're married and I'm entering the arena soon is-- The Forum of Hell. The Forum of Hell. No, I'm just kidding. Where a-- Welcome to Hell, Dan. You thought it was gonna be funny? I ain't gonna lie to you, pal. It fucking sucks. You go, "It's a nonstop battle." I'm fighting with my wife right now. She comes down like Tom Cruise. Right through your window. She's the couch. Yeah, she's in the couch. She comes armed. Talking shit up. She's got a tampon string hanging. She goes, "By the way, I've been waiting here for a week and you're pathetic too, Dan." Yeah, you married a bitch. She remembers like, one bad thing you did. You're like, "Remember that one time you didn't say thank you for the cookies?" I go, "I fucking forgot." They all knew. They all remembered. You're not allowed there anymore. Tampon string's winging. Did you ever pitch to your wife that you're gonna go somewhere? I-- By myself? By yourself and been like, "Yo, I'm gonna go travel." Yeah, right. I'd be like, I might as well walk into like, where's the most Puerto Rican pit bull breeding part of the world? Like San Juan, Puerto Rican pit bull kennels with steaks wrapped around my cock and balls. I would have a better success rate of me walking out of there unscathed and be like, "You know what I'm thinking? I really wanna go to Ireland." By myself? I wanna go to Cork, Ireland and get fucked up by myself for a week and play golf that I don't even care about playing just so I can get fucked up. And she'd be like-- What is, that is, that's like her going, "I'm going to a couples massage with my ex that I still have sexual chemistry with." Literally. Remember-- Where you'd be like, "Uh, what?" What? Yeah, the tall one with the 12 inch. Yeah, she goes, "Remember the one that I used on my phone is ouch?" Ice pack. "Hem and I are gonna get rubbed together by hot oil, so." So you cool with that too? We're gonna do that in our living room. Yeah, you go, "Ireland sure is cool this time of year." Well, they fly direct out of Providence now. What do you think is the biggest, like-- Oh man, I have a pain in my foot and you know where I'm gonna go? ZocDoc.com. I'm gonna go to ZocDoc. Oh, I got the app. So I'll just get on the app and find a foot doctor near me because what the hell? How did I injure my foot putting it into my jeans? I need to find a test. I need to find a specialist. Listen, and I also don't mean to hipster you, but I've been a ZocDoc fan. 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So go ahead and check that out. Let's get back to the podcast. A top three. - I'm gonna go with the top three. - Okay. - So, I'm gonna go with the top three. - Okay. Or she'd wake up and she'd go, hey, babe, I can't see color anymore. I think there's a real problem. Oh, my God. How did this cinder block get in here? Oh, my God. This cinder block fell right through the roof, but also didn't make a move when it came through the ceiling. The wood-framed house that we have, one cinder block is here. That's so crazy. Were you just watching Dateline back-to-back-to-back? Yeah, trying to figure out how to decompose a body. These guys got it all wrong. Yeah, dude. You've got to feed her to pigs like the guy from Snatch. Yeah, he's like, never, hence the thing, gritty as a pig. Do you, when the house was built, did it? It was over immediately, but during it, it would be, you know what it was? It was decision fatigue. Sure. And it was like this, that, that, and it wasn't her fault. It was truly my fault. I'm a bad communicator. That's code. Every guy knows how to say that. Yeah, I'm a bad communicator. That's like AA, where he's like a friend of ours. Yeah, yeah. He goes. He's a friend of ours. And you go, it's like the mob. Yeah. You go, I'm a bad communicator, so just to let you know. You know. I'm wanting you to see. Something I'm working on. It's like white knighting for like shit you don't do. Yeah. But it was just decision fatigue and like, but during that time, it was like, she would just, it would be like a anti-plan with no plan, and then the fights would, it would just be like hockey fight. I would be hockey goon fight every night, and it's just. But when the house was finished. All over. You were like. You were like, we got crazy back there. Yeah, we, that was tough. That was a lot. It's like when you're both hungry on a road trip. Yeah. Where you start hockey fighting. Yep. We would be like this, and you go, there's a McDonald's, and she's like, yeah, I say McDonald's. You don't want to fucking, you never give a, how about you give a solution? Yeah. Why don't you give a solution instead of just asking that there's more fucking problems? And she's like, oh, so this is how you want to fucking communicate. And then you're like. And then cut to a half hour later where you're eating Wendy's, and you go, the Asiago bacon chicken ranch really is good. You're right. These actually are fire. These actually are good. Do you mind if I dip my fries in your frosty? You can fucking do that shit. Yeah, no problem. And then you're being cute again. Is that what it was? Is that what it was like after the house was built? Yeah, yeah. It was like that time. I've never fought harder. Like, it was the, it's one of those things where like, it's like liking pussy and then owning a gynecology office. Sure. It's like, oh, I really, oh, girls are hot, and pussy's cool. Yeah. I think I'm going to be a gynecologist in the most obese area of the country. They're all so fucked up. They're all sweaty, and they smell like a bag of wet mosquitoes. Mojitos. Stan Hope used to have a joke where he was like, Dr. Drew, it's on an old album. I think it's on the album before he turned the gun on himself, but Stan Hope's like, Dr. Drew specializes in celebrity addictions. He's like, that's like being a gynecologist that specializes in 19-year-old hairless, stinkless pussy. It's so funny. That's exactly what it is. Right. I fucking love Stan Hope. That is a good, that's a damn good joke. But yeah, man, that is, like, building a house. What is the fight that you, what's the common, what's the? Bad communication, and the thing that I do is go, the go away without her is the one where I go, like, like, if I was just going to be like, yeah, I'm going to go to L.A. for a week and stay at McDaniels, and I'm going to go to a Chargers game and probably just hang out. She'd be like, what? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, she's going to probably stay out there for, like, over a week. Whoa. What about, what about the dog? That's when you're like, I don't know, you can probably figure it out. That would just, I think she would come. She's from Boston. She'd come swinging at me. Yeah, yeah. You can hear, like, bones in her neck. She'd be like. She's just, this is what she's, hold on. She would do this. Like, you look over her shoulder. She's Googling this. It's just other guys' cocks. She goes, oh, look, other guys' cocks. Oh, cool. New York. New York. Specifically, between the streets of 15th and 31st. Near me. Near me. Near me is the one. There you go. Ouch. Ouch. Yeah, I don't know, man. There is. But I, obviously. That's allowed? It's the best. No. Hell no. I'd kill her. I'd kill them all. No, no. I'm saying that. No, no. Not that. Have you been to McDaniel? No. We always go together. It's fun. She likes sports. She's into sports. Yeah. She works in sports. So it's like, great. It's very fun. I want to talk to you. You're McDaniel's boy. Yeah. He's a Chargers guy now? Yeah, he's the offensive coordinator of the Chargers. The quarterback in my high school is Liam Cohen from the Jacksonville Jaguars head coach. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Duval. Duval. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went to high school with him? He's my high school quarterback. No way. Yeah, dude. He's the guy. He was great last season. They did very good last year. That kid is a brung bed. For all you bettors out there. The worst introductory press conference I've ever seen in my life. Media training needed. You know, he. Almost. Yeah. And please find the clip and edit it in. When he got announced as the head coach of the Jaguars, obviously they have a chant there of Duval. They cooked his ass for that. Yeah. You can hear it in the stadium if you watch the games and you're listening for it. But now it's like a thing. And then he's like, oh, but watch me win. Yeah. He really did. And then he went like, Duval. And everyone was like, nope. And then this motherfucker turned that team around. You don't like 14 wins? Why don't you suck my fucking cock? How about I put 14 on you, you cock suckers? With this fucking ragtag team from who gives a fuck, Florida? I mean, Trevor Lawrence was like, thank God this nerd panned out. Yeah. Do you know who else had a bad introductory press conference from this season was the head coach. I'm with Sean Murphy this weekend and he's a Bills fan, but the Bills head coach, he was on like Pat McAfee or he was on like a show and he was like, talk about being the head coach. And he went, honestly, bro, I just can't wait till we're like playing seven V seven and you know, or he's like, we're doing team scrimmage and our defense picks our offense and I can't wait to just go talk shit to our offense. And everyone was like, what? And he was like, it's going to be sick. It's just, it is, it's, it's, it was a cringe moment where I've been like that. So I was able to identify that where you're trying to be something you're not like, he's like, I want to be like these Pat McAfee bro guys. Yes. Yes. I'm going to be like a quick say something. A barstool guy would say it's, it's the same as watching Zuckerberg lock up when Rogan asked him what kind of bow and arrow he uses. Yeah. Which is the one of the greatest clips of all time. What does he say? He's like, Oh, you know, I've been really enjoying bow hunting lately. And Rogan goes. Yeah, that's cool. What kind of bow do you use? And Zuckerberg is like, um, I, um, I, and then like Rogan's like trying to help him and he's like, Oh, it doesn't matter, man. Simone. He goes, yeah, it's just really good. And then it's, and he's like, so you don't know what, like what kind of brand it is? He's like, no, it's just one of those moments where you're like, how is this motherfucker one of the richest guys? Like what a nerd. He's a nerd. I don't know. They set the arrows up for me. Please help get me out of this conversation. I don't like when my feet touch the actual ground. I don't believe in grounding at all. Ah, that's what sucks is we let too much like the shit that you talk about being like nine to 12 years old fucking collecting money on Saturday mornings. Did you go to flea markets? A lot? I did a ton of flea markets. I kid that went to a flea market. I can identify it. Yeah. That's how you're so good at picking out all this stuff. Got here. Yeah. A hundred percent. What's the piece? What's the piece of the resistance on here? Uh, I mean, this is incredible. This is like old school LGN and the fan sent me to that when we were doing the bonfire. I would probably say either that or this custom made thing from a fan. It's Queens of the stone age art. This guy made it at Alabama. This guy in Huntsville. It's signed on the bottom. You had to. Yeah. It's you Dan from Dave. Dave. Three or four. Hell yeah. And I was, we were supposed to get Josh Homme from Queens of the stone age on the podcast. And if it ever does happen, I think I'm going to give him that and hopefully Dave doesn't take offense. Cause I think that'd be pretty cool. He's like, I'll send you another one. Yeah. But that's what I like is like, uh, oh, the Eureka's castle, those were, those were pizza hut things where that used to sell. If you bought pizza hut, there were pizza hut puppets in the early nineties. Yeah. I remember. I kind of like, yeah. Remember these? Yeah. So Katie was, I wasn't into it, but Katie was super into it. And then when she did celebrity jeopardy, I surprised her by buying the whole set online. What have you, have you bought anything crazy? No. That's my favorite question. Ask like guys who are doing well, I'm like, what? Nothing yet. Uh, silly. No. Couch. Oh, I mean like. Stupid money couch. No. Dude. Everything I, you know what it is, is I'm so afraid of going back to waiting tables that I, the only big, really big purchases I've made are like for family members that need shit. Gotcha. Like that's like my mom, I bought her an HVAC unit and I bought like, I've done stuff to my mom's townhouse. Yeah. That's that stuff. Like family members that need money, friends that need money. Yeah. But I haven't. Nothing. Dude. That's good. That's what I should have done. Not my mom. Mom can get whatever she wants, but cousin, all my cousins, you get nothing. So what's funny is my mom's side. Yeah. They do well enough. They're fine. They don't need my dad's side. There's like three of us. Yeah. There's two of us. They pop out of the woodwork. She was. No, she's. That's the reason I give her shit. Yeah. Is cause she was like, dude, I'm just happy. We're back in each other's lives. I love you. I miss you. And then you go, what do you need? That's where you go. I know. I know. She hits you with some keynote shit. Yeah. She goes, well, you know what really happened? Why don't we go down to the casino? Why don't you take out $5,000 cash and just sit next to me and watch me win. And it's just watch me. It's like bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. It's like wheel of fortune. I'm hitting it. I do a double time. Three X four X Terry's. I'm not into watches. Yep. I'm not into cars. Cause I live in New York city. So you're cool. But I'm saving to, that's probably where my call is going to come into you is when we buy a house. Where do you guys want to live? Dobs ferry or like Terry town, dude, Terry town is, uh, who was telling you, um, there's some really fucking cool. Andy Haynes will move to Terry town. Did he? Yeah. Really? And like Andy Haynes is so funny. I'm like, you would move to Terry town. Like I love fucking with him. He's like, he is like the whitest guy. One of the whitest people. I know Tarrytown sounds like somewhere where you can only skip or you get a ticket if you You know, it's Tuesdays and smiles are mandatory Ticket how much is the ticket for? And a happy Tarrytown day to you, yeah There are like pretty shady parts have been up there. Really? Yeah, it's like nice, but there are some parts like some backdoor violins Powdered wigs you snuck into this choir reception and you know, I did I clearly I filled out the forms I talked to Claire and Eunice But I want something on the Hudson. Yeah. Yeah, no great I want to get a good house on the Hudson like near the Hudson. I was there literally Monday last Thursday. I went to Fucking Deer Mountain Inn and had a fucking meal that blew my socks out eating butter with oh my god The Deer Mountain Inn is so fucking underrated. It's in a hunter, New York. Okay, and it's in the mountains and then we stayed In a Wyndham Resort in the Wilder how the Wilder hotel great and I go the Hudson for the antiques trail Yeah, I'm back to Hudson all the way up the tree to the Catskills. We go to like Phoenicia, Phoenicia Yeah, like a little bit outside of Phoenicia and like over in that area. Have you been to Saratoga Springs? Yeah, it's That's like a drug. It's the second drunkest city in America I didn't know that because I was sitting there behind what Key West? Wisconsin, uh, I think it's I think it's Madison maybe or that makes sense Madison They fucking have not been to Madison yet only what's more the best cities in the country. I can believe it Madison fucking rules I love every time I go through the comedy club. They're coming down States fantastic, but it's just a cool-ass fucking town What's your favorite town in America? That's like a Madison or what's your favorite like they party hard they rip Madison might be it Yeah, you know what it was back in the day. It used to be Austin like in oh eight. Oh nine Oh, wow, Austin used to be real fun. It's really like hippie ish. Yeah Which was kind of fun. Mm-hmm. I love Eugene, Oregon Wow Eugene, Oregon was the shit in the fall Is it's so pretty it's like I get genuinely its first place. I went to I go I might run away here I would rim sloth to have a house there Not my way you're done he goes, you know, it's just an act right I put on the Superman shirt I pretend yeah But Eugene I was like we did the show there and I was there for an extra day before I went down to the Bay Area And I was like I could Yeah, really and everything was affordable Yeah, money's not a problem. Yeah, I would live in Marin County. Oh you live in Mill Valley Specifically Mill Valley. Oh my god. That's like the what's it? We're just I just filmed my special there at the Throckmorton Theatre. Hell. Yeah, and it was like it was like the best thing I've ever had in my life Yeah, and it was fucking awesome. They like your finance background Day well, it was funny as my dad worked at a liquor store down in the street from the theater So I used to be there a bunch when I was a kid so that's the reason the lady liked us from the theater and she was like I was like I used to you know stay here when I was a kid and she was I was like my dad worked at the liquor store and she was like Well liquor store. I was like Dan's liquor store and she's like, oh, okay. Oh, what years I was like 90 to 94 and she was like, oh Well, yeah, come on. I'll show you that she was like immediately She was so cool after that. Wow, she puts her hair up in a ponytail. She starts looking at you Remember that remember that your dad spotted me a fifth Only eight bucks But what about you what's I like the most fun I've had I just had a lot of fun in the Carolinas was really wild Charlotte was pretty good. I've heard Hilton head is the shit. I haven't been there and I've been on the coast yet But I have fun in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh rips like we're in Polish Hill getting fucked Fucked up and like, you know when you have like tattoo guy that looks like a bad version of us like yeah It's full sleeves and you're like this guy's gonna be a fucking dick and he was he was like the nicest guy He's like, hey, man, what can I get you? And I was like? Craft craft That he's like, yeah, I have a pretty good craft Pilsner by a local guy here Go, I mean they're three bucks and I was like three dollars for a beer. I'll give that's like 30, please You know, I love that. I you find that in Chicago you find that in Pittsburgh, Sacramento, Sacramento Sacramento, you can see a guy and be like this guy's gonna be a fucking problem. He's like, hey, what's up, man? I collect alien verse predator comics and you're like, okay, you're a different guy than I thought you're damn it I thought you were gonna MMA my ear off. Yeah, thank you. I love that I love guys that look fucking dangerous and they're actually like super nice sweetie pies It's like big dogs that are nice. Really? Yeah. Oh, you don't have to be nice a cane Corso. That's licking me That's great. Cane Corso scare the shit out of yeah, they are fucking Rottweilers I love Rottweilers, but I get tense around them. Yeah, I mean there's Nothing to not it's a fuck. It's like being next to an excavator like it's It's like having your head next to tank tracks The second this thing decides that it doesn't like me. We're all there's nothing any of us can do It's gonna rip my lower mandible off speeches where you like have a yeah, but like a they put a handkerchief in front of where it's gone and you go Are you so Pittsburgh's one of your cities Pittsburgh? I like the Ohio I like the Rust Belt from like Buffalo, Pittsburgh You know Rochester rules Syracuse was kind of fun. There's nothing to eat there, but Albany fucking is really fun It's late. I'm gonna be in Albany next week. Are you replaying two weeks funny bone? Oh, yeah, honey bone, baby Yeah, I fucking that's I have a good ass fucking I get I have to return to the clubs in the mall to dip my sword In the river. Yeah stand up. That's what you always have to do You have to go back and forge your iron in the rivers. I like that. I'm proud. I'm happy for you to do that I'm all comedy so cool. Yeah, I'm gonna walk by a zoomies And as my blade gathers strength strength and I forge New tungsten steel. Yeah, that's it. Those are the forges Yeah the malls are forges where you make your blade fucking sharp and they're they're like they have like that same like ruthless sentiment of like The Troy New York is a similar Troy Albany is very similar to like, you know Milltown like I call it like white mill trash like just mill shit. Yeah, and like they're great. Those are the great people Everybody gets along. There's really no like everybody seems tough with their super-super Sweet, I feel like that was that's the thing that could fix this country's is you just killed off a couple billionaires They took their money and flooded those areas with 100% insurance and like, you know stuff Yeah stuff that they need like a factory to build stuff. Give them loans. Let them figure it out But here's the deal. We're gonna do 0% late Do you have a tattoo on your girlfriend's back of a show of a fucking dream catcher of your kids footprint? How's a 0% loan sound guess what that gets you 0% loan? How's that? Hey, you fixing your boy's car in your driveway. Good news, dude How's 135,000 at 0% for 30 years sound roll a cigarette off six butts. You just found on the ground Congratulations 0% you go Corey I'm gonna try to get pre-approved at this bank. Fuck it. We don't even need pre approvals. It's chill as fuck Those billionaires giving us money. Hell. Yeah, I can open up my garage put a lift in it but Bezos and Elon and all them could make so many people they're like Undying like oh, yeah diehard fans if they just went like yeah four billion dollars a rust belt Things are better. I'm coming your way. I'm coming your way or Bezos is like my sexy lizard lady has told me that you guys need money Money, I've brought it for you He's a guy that's so on steroids. That's like, yeah, remember the first I don't know if you were ever friends with nerds But there's like a moment in a nerds life where they like Kind of get out of it for a little bit if you were friends with nerds in high school I had like my friends, but I was friends with a couple nerds Yeah, a couple of them joined the military and then they got in shape It was right after 9/11 so they got some pussy and then they got pussy and you saw them go like I need pussy now So they like oh Almost evolve. Yeah into like different things It seems like that like the pokey the ultimate Pokemon version of that was Bezos Yeah, he left his wife Mackenzie who was like the one that built it all with him Yeah, and then he just went and got a sex pot and then now he's just like now He's got hot dog neck from the steroids. Yeah, and he's just like he had his first trap and I like it Did you make a girl did you hear an organic orgasm come out of a woman and it like snapped his brain? That's what it is. Oh god. I'm gonna He was like ha ha that's what that feels like I need protein I need sets that are hello high rep low weight for fucking I need to get caught That's what it seems like he's going through it Sucks because Mackenzie, what's your last name? I think it Bezos though, right? She's so my like I like women. I love I love Bitchy women that are like your breath smells like fruit Fucking stink. Can you not right now? Your breath smells like fruit? Yeah, is her name? She's giving away billions. She has no idea how philanthropy works. She's just dumping it, but at least someone's doing it What did you find out? I don't know. What did she find out that she went? I'm gonna burn it all I don't care, but she is just giving it away all of it away, which I'm not angry I go to give it out and go Mackenzie if you're listening and you are Mackenzie go stream girl Mike my dream girl Who you look like my wife when we met? Real talk look it up. It's not even that hard. It's not even a departure connect the fucking dots, right? Her name my wife's name is Jessica Quinn your name is Mackenzie Scott it's like the same goddamn thing it's like we're pretty much married yeah like you guys would get along you guys could tell me that I I have like the morning sweat smell you you need to take a shower before we leave I just want you to know you stink a little bit by the way can I tell you that it's like uh earthiness in a wine that every good wine's gonna have some earthiness yeah if you want a wife have a little bitchiness because it's grounding in a way Katie will go like this there's a stain in the middle of your shirt what are you doing I was going to do sets last night and I was just wearing a black t-shirt yeah she goes you have a bunch of stains in the middle of your shirt but she didn't say it in like a way of like hey buddy she goes there's stains on your shirt and I went oh fuck but I would have gone out and just look like a sloppy idiot yep you need a little I love a wife I'm sorry pardon my I'm not gonna I won't even apologize for it you it makes it move for me it's I've sold Acuras and Mercedes my whole life so that's always the wife of a pragmatic male is like this guy who's like kind of a button-up defeated and it's like you know all these like alpha guys are like like I can't like doormat chicks the guys who marry doormat chicks make terrible decisions in the car dealership the guys and that's something that you have experience you see you have like empirical data on that I got 350 cars a year for three years like the guy with the guy with like knee pads like whatever he wants it's like if I have my beach house it's like whatever it doesn't even matter and it's like he comes in and makes like I want a GT in lizard green and do you have it with lava red seats and I'm like why like why do you even want to look like a tongue of a lizard yeah it's sick right I'm like you run a fence business you're like a fucking psychopath because dude I'm actually getting a fence done in old English across my back down here all freehand this guy this guy Dustin I know all freehand those guys are the ones online that are like yeah he listens to his stupid bitch wife this guy's a fucking idiot that'll be the day hey Tony go outside and he gives me like a look like he's bought I'm like I'm like oh that's not that's not a flex so you really would see oh I hate that I like the one that's like we already looked at it online and we found it up at Mercedes-Benz of Boston but they have the one that doesn't have the captain's seats we actually need the captain's seats I'm like I have the one with captain's seats but it's not in the white you want I only have it in the green but honestly I mean I wouldn't recommend trusting a car salesman but the forest green is a dope car and Mercedes people like those like those jet those jewel tone colors I'm sorry he just stole my car he makes like a really good point because the green is actually the second color we picked and I'm like yeah yeah and that's what you need but that's what you need she's hot she makes good choices she smells good she takes a shower yes this is what this is the end of the manosphere yeah because the manosphere is just broken in the way of you guys all want dumb bitches that's not fun fuck your life up it's cool while you're dating and you're young right and when you still want to go out with your boys or you still want to take trips alone but then you meet someone that you genuinely get along with that you fucking enjoy life with and sometimes it comes to you just like sometimes ladies marry a dumbass sometimes we do dumb shit yeah and you just if you marry a dumbass guess what a dumbass is gonna be happy and loyal right and he's gonna go oh I didn't even know I fucked that up you know how many times Katie hears that from you I go oh I didn't even know I fucked that up she's inside her own head she's like she can't say that a lot she's gonna catch herself because she's so happy at what you just did so stupid yes when I communicate like I go oh my bad because I actually made a mistake and I didn't even like think that out she'll go like yeah you see it you see her go like yeah and it's so dude I'm not joking man it's so crazy if you just like because the guys I think what they're teaching like a lot this is like the thing we were talking about originally which is like young men need to be taught things yeah and what's happened in this late stage of capital ism is that companies have taken advantage of that for decades now yeah where they're acting like like you know you looked at the publishers of like Maxim and FHM and all that they had that and now it's like transmorphed into this podcasting world and then the manosphere and you're like it's all a manipulation of the same thing which is they're trying to sell you something yeah real life isn't like that but what you're talking about sitting there collecting people's debt watching your dad buy an illegal gun me watching my dad roll his eyes at the bums coming out of the liquor store at six in the morning even though he's a bum it's like it's fucking crazy you go like oh this is what real life is it's nuanced you don't want a woman in my head I would probably even at the ripe old age of 43 be like oh a giant tittied slut who just says yes to everything sounds awesome for a day for an hour and a half until you get that 3.5 amount ounces of liquid out of your body I don't know how much come 3.5 ounces wow Dan is that like that's a lot let's see this is uh yeah let's find this out that's 16 is this almost empty yeah it's about an ounce and a half that's an ounce and a half that's that right there you come that much I'd give you a hundred bucks there's no way I'd come that much no no no let me see ounce and a half but I'm saying like you think you want that shit but you have like boots on the ground data that you don't want that you've sold cars to successful men that have wives that are a little bit and they makes their lives that's why they're successful they have a boat they have a this they're like this listen I remember I had two instances but like here's what's gonna happen do you like oysters do you like oysters yeah great do you like oysters no okay if you've given them a shot I don't like the way they feel they taste like snots that's what big tittied bimbo's gonna say yeah she's gonna be I'll just have I'll just have like french fries or something yeah and you're gonna be like oh I because I've dated like you know every we've all dated a bimbo but it's like the at dinner where like I'm dating a fucking five-year-old brain like you're clearly stunted and like your thong worked for so long it's not working with me anymore and I like being uh I like the reverse where we'll be at dinner and I'll be like I don't like caramelized onions and then Katie I'll be like have you ever had caramelized onions and I'd be like yeah I didn't really like it she's like well it's really good on this steak and you should try it and then I'll take a bite and I'll be like I really like caramelized onions and she's like yeah and let her be a little bit of a you be a little bit of a dumbass it's just it's gonna win 90 times out of 100 the stories of guys coming in dudes have told me like it's like uh I just you see them make decisions like a decision after decision and it's uh it's such a letdown like uh calling their wives like rug rat and stuff like that or um like just it's it's like it's like it's like like you think it's cool on the onset and then you realize like oh this guy's life sucks like yeah because he doesn't respect the person he's spending all of his time with yeah that's so it's so weird it's like guys who uh call their friends like dipshit and stuff like that and I'm like yeah I don't know if I fucking idiots I hang out with you go hang out with them yeah you spend a lot of time with them it's like when I did Kevin Federline's uh uh fantasy football I filmed Kevin Federline's fantasy football team that's my first job in LA and he took us outside and then like dumped about all his boys being like total fucking losers and I was like dude these are like your boys like wait so you were filming like a reality TV yeah he was like I'm doing a pilot Ashton Kutcher's in my fantasy football league and I took my like film friends and all that like our gear up to his house in Calabasas and his house was fucking disgusting and it was a dope house and it was like he had like cigarette butts in the fucking it was nuts they had a bean bag chair in the living room that they put cigarette butts out on and I'm like this in like 50 mountain bikes and grills and like things you use once and then like air mattresses I tell you right now though that's how good at fucking he was yeah that he fucked his way to that right like he took Britney Spears and fucked the shit out of her she's like listen we broke her like society broke her with all the pressure we put on her as a pop star but she got broken up with by JT who like cheated on her and one of her backup dancers just blew her spine out just put it on her and to the point where she was like oh my god take my money and now he lives in Calabasas in a house that he probably yeah I just my friends are stupid as shit is that what half of a guy fox mask on the whole time so funny I'm like this I have to leave I gotta go through a dirt bike helmet literally I'm like they're fucking idiots yeah but he just dumped on him and then yeah and it kind of I was like this this this guy's probably dating a knee pad yeah he doesn't have a girl that's gonna tell him to take a shower because you smell like a lacrosse glove you smell musty ew go away but it is and you see those guys you're like oh my god I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the like oh man it's um you know like when you see celebrities that only have yes men around them yeah you go well this is inevitable that you're gonna suck yeah because no one's going shut up dude yeah don't do that shut up yeah I'm your friend like no one's a friend like hey Dan I wouldn't buy that like I fucking bombed last night at the cellar like I had a bad set like a bad set with jokes that are on my special and everything no excuse besides I was flat and I just didn't connect with the audience wow and I was there all night I had good shows I was a little cocky went and got fucking earholed by that audience no shit put on the dirt but I left and I came home and Katie's I had to go I went I fucking bombed on my last show and she goes yeah you always say that's like good though right and I went yeah yeah you're doing the Leonardo DiCaprio meme crying you're like yeah yeah I go yeah yeah but it but I like dude I woke up this morning and she's getting ready for work and I just rolled over I go remember when I bombed last night and she goes no I wasn't yeah I'm holding on to it but you like you can't but it is like versus comics that I only see have good sets and you go what i don't think you're growing at all you have to have you have to mix some shit in yeah you gotta have you gotta have the strife and uh be down in it i think the people living in la la land too long the one i was gonna say was the guy there was this guy that told me in earnest i remember he was like the coolest guy on the phone i was like man this guy's like well he's a canadian businessman i sold him an acura over the phone he couldn't get him it was like an acura tech and he i was like wow this guy's cool he kind of picked up that i was like with it as like a younger kid and he was sure you seem like a pretty straightforward guy you shoot straight ball i was like look man i'll give you 800 bucks off you can't get a blah blah blah shows up from canada buys the car bought a house in boston tech guy and he goes he goes look man i'm gonna be honest shows up with his wife who's uh who's one of the ones that we like and he looks at me in honest he goes nick i want to tell you something serious like she's go over there he's like don't ever get married i'm dead serious and i'm like what he's like i'm not me i'm being listen to me he's like you seem cool you're 20 how old are you he goes what are you 34 i was like i'm 23 because jesus christ you've lived a tough life 23 i have a full head of hair i choose to shave it uh so he's like i was a guy what was it man don't ever get married then outside i'm showing him the car put your hand out like you're showing the radio he's like i was like oh bro that's why you were telling me no get married oh you were trying to save me for yourself you were trying to suck me that's gotta be dude that's gotta be the worst where you go no i did say literally like that i was like this no and he goes what what are you doing you're gay he literally he literally said to his own hand he was like sorry i got a little weird sometimes and i was like jesus christ that's always the worst is when you think you like somebody and then you they do something where you go fuck man there's so many of that in society where you go i like this guy and he does this fucking dumb shit they wanted to kiss me yeah dude that's crazy is that the only time that's happened uh yeah that's gotta be wild because that's the thing where you go did it like fuck up your rhythm for like i mean i was it was like to deliver like we signed the papers i'm going over the car showing how to like use the radio i'm pairing his phone for you and shit he's sitting in the driver's seat i'm just you you work from left to right and i'm like on the radio part and he's like this and just right over i was like yo yo go fuck damn it pull it away i'm definitely getting married to a girl that's a lot like your wife i like your wife i'll marry her does she know is this an arrangement is this one of those arrangements is this like a fucking what are you a fucking lavender marriage yeah get out of my fucking face oh 809 but there are so many clauses gay dudes that you go like i bet if you just fucked dudes your life like society would be better there's too much pent-up gay guys oh yeah if we just let them all loose where if they like if there was like you know how they're saying that um glp ones uh curb addiction they're saying there's like some evidence that addictive behavior is curbed through glp ones i think so if another thing of glp ones was like you come out of the closet and just be yourself i think that would benefit more than having skinny people i think it would just benefit having people be like i'm in love with my co-worker and he's a man and then you go all right and then you're out and there's no judgment and you're just it's just clean no bad relationship just taking a nice innocent girl off the floor for someone else that could you know dude that's that was one of the most angry i've ever been in my life i did a gig and i won't say where but i did a one-nighter this is fire island yeah i wish it was like 15 years ago and i go out it was like one of the first gigs where i like got flown out for like pretty good money and it was a part of a like a festival thing and so they fly me out and i was like the first night headliner because i was it was like wednesday night show and they're like great and they took me out to dinner tuesday night and the lady who hired me and her husband were there and they were like oh we're going to meet up with my sister and her husband and her sister came in and when i tell you she was naturally the most beautiful woman i've ever seen in my life to the point that i was like she was like school teacher sweet beautiful giant tits so funny like sarcastic yeah you're talking to her and she's like here's my husband and this motherfucker walked in it was like so nice to meet you how are you and i was just the whole dinner just going like yeah like you would say something i'd be like uh-huh like i wanted to pull him aside and be like i was so lonely at the time that i was like this is it this is the woman i'm supposed to spend my life with hey man come here can i try her can i give her a whirl around the ferris wheel make you take a ride on the soda express baby i make you feel so good would you but he really was like i mean we just we just met and it clicked and i was just like where'd you guys meet and she and he was like at church and that's when i was like so it is it is you are locked behind a cage because of your family got you into this christian thing and she was super christian and so they were in this marriage but you're like you don't you're not a christian you're not a christian you're not a christian understand what i could do to her and he's like could you because i have this 15 inch log yeah oh sorry it actually stays plump he has an arm in his pants he's like oh never mind scratch all my thoughts sorry all right never mind i bet i could just make her giggle a lot yeah he goes you know it's crazy about that no matter who it is it gets hard for it and you go oh my god oh jesus oh bitch i'm not gay i'm bisexual and you go oh you could show her things that i never could she's sitting on an ice pack yeah she goes oh he's hollowed me out oh last night the car ride here it's too much insatiable and the amount of cum it's like 3.5 ounces i go 1.5 did you look up what it was 0.5 what the hell's a rope then how much ounces in a rope peter north was like a ounce and we're like look at that guy go yeah a ounce damn dude that's fucking wild that is a lot um you're the man i love that you came by to the podcast thank you so much for even having me go watch everything nick does uh scuffed realtors hilarious his live streams are awesome nick's just the man love you buddy thank you for watching this