Ari Shaffir & Whose Poo Was It?

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In a place where there's never been poo, really, in the whole country. Ever, ever, ever. Quickly, I went, it's human. From Big Bang Theory, it was real pleasant. He did stand-up? No, he was here. Oh, Bob's in this show. Yeah, he did this show. Which one's he? The one that shouldn't get laid? No, the one that looks like Jerry Seinfeld a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Right? Like skinny. You have a, like a long-faced Jew. Long-faced, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bird. Which is what you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why is it so long-faced? It's interesting. I want to know, too. It's sadness. It's sadness? It is a sadness. Oh, I know. Oh, that one? Yeah, yeah, that one. Oh, I heard that guy tries to be like a, I have that same jacket. I heard that guy tries to be like a hipster around town, like goes to all the art shows and stuff. Yeah, yeah, he is a hipster. Yeah, you can't. Oh, he is. Nope, nope. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope. He is 100% hipster, dude. Not allowed anymore. More hipsters. Wait, wait, hipsters aren't allowed? Not once you've done this role. You're a nerd for life. Oh, you think you're corporate? A corporate nerd. Just nerd. Oh, you're a nerd. Can't that be accepted around cool people? That's an acting job. You call that an acting job? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would be on that show. You would shave your beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would I be on that show? Yeah. So you think that he's a nerd then? Here, I'll do my question on this show. Say anything to me. I've never seen this show, but hey, what do you think of the biology of this woman? Pi, 3.1. Oh, you think so? Ha, ha, ha. Laugh track. Ha, ha, ha. Right, right. Billions of dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Yeah. People love it. People love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slightly smaller big bang theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Ramsey would be on that show. Yeah, okay. As a tech. What is that even supposed to mean? You have a techie look. Okay. Do you think he has a techie look or no? Because he's Middle Eastern? You can pass as tech. You need one of those brown knit ties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a wardrobe. But not techie in the sense that, you know those complexes they're building, like Meta and stuff in the Middle East? Okay. Yeah, you'd be in charge of that. Can I just be in America or no? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, absolutely not. It's network. It's network. You're in the desert. You're in charge of the water, keeping it cool, the system. You know? Don't you have to cool those systems down, those AI systems? Yeah. You're the water guy. Start a lot of sentences with, in my village. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you could be a map. A what? Yeah, because Iran, there's a lot of mountains, and that boil. It's not a boil. Yeah. Would be like a region of the map of Iran. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your ear is, I like this. Your ear. Like, right down your side is a Hermos street, and that's the mountainous regions of Iran. Yeah, and the oil will be transferred. Yes. It should pop it. Transfer it straight down. Damn, Dan. Damn. Yeah, yeah. We're not trying to get political. Biblical. Biblical or political. Let's do it our way. We'll do it our way. Yeah. What happened? What's caused that? Oh. Let's focus on it. Mostly oil. The U.S. The oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, fuck, you wash your face. I wash my face. Okay. All right. What does that mean? What does that mean? Yeah. Is that mean? It's okay. I'll text you later that you bombed. I think I'm already bombing. But, no, it's hardly noticeable. Well, it's now very noticeable. It is. Would you have noticed it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Not right away. Not from behind. Yeah, not from behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe 400 yards away. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In night. Sometimes when you take a photo with a girl, and they're like, this is my good side. I go, your good side is just turn around. It's the back of your head. You know what I mean? Like, what good side? You're ugly as fuck. You ever do that? I don't say that. I just let them do their supposed good side. I've never had a good side. Do you have a good side? Can I weigh in? Are you due now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The left side of your face is definitely the good side. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And tilt your head to the right direction. It might be time for bangs. Side bangs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, this is fun for me. It's fun. This is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this. You do? This is great. Yeah, I thought we were going to get on the Palestinian guy. Yeah, well, let's go there. Let's go there. You want to go there? Why do we have to? Because I'm like China. I'm like watching from beyond. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The puppet hearing? Yeah, yeah. Satellite images every once in a while. It's fine. You want some satellite? I'll give you some satellite. But yeah, he has a lot of, you have a strawberry nose. Okay. Yeah, I like that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of holes in your nose. Yeah, I suppose. Thank you. I guess. Yeah. If you looked at his nose, there's a lot of holes. His nose, we kind of have similar noses. Yeah, thank you, Art. No, it's not. I'm not talking about his size. Allie and the juju? Yeah, it's not about that. Because you guys are the same people, I think. Overall girth, yeah. Yeah, overall girth. Big dick. And same region. But. There's one difference between Palestinians and Jews. Jews shower on Monday. Palestinians shower on Thursday. And then that's it. Oh, really? It's a pretty stinky place. Don't eat pork. Yeah, so I hook up with a Palestinian on Friday. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, you want him Thursday afternoon. Yeah, that Thursday afternoon. Yeah, you don't do it on Tuesday. It retracts pretty quick. You want to get that kind of right out of the shower. Yeah, Koreans, we shower pretty much every day, maybe twice a day. I shower every day, too. Yeah, you do? Not your face. It's a body shower. You deep dip my body. Yeah, yeah, maybe use your face. I mean, do you use Korean skin products? Yes, I do. Is the skin product Korean fried chicken? Is it North Korean? She uses North Korean skin products. Kim Jong-un makes really good skin products. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm kidding. Okay, bye. I'm sorry for ripping on you a little bit, you know what I mean? But that's just all in life. It's okay, I didn't feel like I was going to get the target, but it's fine. Yeah, I mean, we've got Targetmaster here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are kind of historic, actually. Oh, I love segues. Wow. I love the segues. You love segues? I do. I love that. Yeah, yeah, when they're so obvious. The cat burrito. No one said historic. Oh, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so good. Speaking of lifelong conflict. So seamless. A big person beating a helpless person. Tell us about the candy bar. You'd be a good publicist. I think. I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go this way. If they ask this, go this way. Byron Allen over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Byron. Applause, applause. So your grandmother came over recently. What do you think of Byron Allen? I think he's one of the highest level comedians working today. Oh, my God. I think, am I talking about influential? Yeah. I don't know if anybody's, it's him and Pryor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pryor number two. Yeah. No, Byron Allen's one of those comedians that I've never seen. Never seen stand up. At a comedy club. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. And we've been in the game for three years. Did he come to the 50th anniversary even? What? Did he even come to the 50th anniversary? No, no, no, no, no, no. And yet he's now the Stephen Colbert. Yeah. What if he's like highly autistic and he only talks to people in a living room setting? With a shark tank behind him. Yeah, that's his way of connecting to people. Oh, you think so? Yeah, he's like this. And then as soon as we sit down on the couch, he's like, hi, how you doing? You're a grandmother, aren't you? Maybe the stage of Comedy Unleashed is like that. What's that called? Comics Unleashed. Comics Unleashed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you ever do that show? I would now. I wouldn't then. I like this. Then it seems so lame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's like prime time. It's retarded now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's prime time. Is that a real thing? Yeah. It's replacing Colbert. Wait, what? Yeah. Not in our hearts. It's replacing the time slot, yeah. The time slot. So he has two shows, Funny That You Ask. Yeah. Right. And Comics Unleashed. Yep. Or no, replacing Colbert. Yep. Starting in like two weeks, I think. In two weeks. Wow. Isn't that unbelievable? It is. A syndicated show of a guy that lives, you know what I mean, with fishes. Yeah. I like that about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it? Yeah. Oh, that's me. There you are. It was on it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back it up. Wait, wait, wait. You did Comics Unleashed? She was on it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. It's so far to have to walk. Yeah. What? When'd you do it? I don't know. So tell me, Kat. Your name is Kat Bird. Did you ever have a chance to have a different name? Yeah. Applause, applause, applause. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Byron, I. No, don't change the subject. Come on. You're segwaying it. Oh, you call him Byron now? You didn't Byron. You have to call him Mr. Campbell. Look at her clapping. Hold on. As soon as Byron comes back, look at her clapping like a fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the heck? Who's that? A panderer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Byron. Don't say that. Don't say that. What? There it is. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we can probably. Yeah, yeah, there we go. We can take this down now. Did you buy that sweater for the show? Yes. Yeah. I washed my face. You go five hours early so the makeup could cover the. Yeah, they took her whole day to do it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, how was your experience on that show? It was really fun, actually. It was your first TV experience. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, yeah. But I did this butthole joke at the end, and it really shocked Byron. Okay. He didn't know how to. He didn't know how to compute it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you can't compute a lot. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the joke? You, like, opened his ass up and, like. Yeah. Yeah. And he couldn't compute it. What's happening? Yeah. How did he set it up? Yeah. Yeah, how did he set up a butthole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see. Let's see the set up. Oh, you think you're going to burn a bridge right now? I think that's what you're doing right now. No, I'm trying to remember. You can never burn a bridge with Byron and Alan. No, I. Oh, that Campbell. I said Campbell, and his name is Alan. Oh, you really? I assume you have authority. No, no. Oh, you do? Yeah. Because you guys have, like, a long history, you two. Oh, this one. This one is crazy. She really is fired now. I think we've really talked about our history a lot. We've so talked about everything. Yeah, I mean, a lot. We've covered every meal we've ever had. I mean, yeah, yeah. So what history would you be pretending to? Well, we were both door guys, and we heard stories. Were you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my day, a woman door guy? I know. It never happened. It's crazy. I know. I protest that. I heard that you like women door guys. Isn't that a woman doctor? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. A pilot? Yeah, yeah. Oh. We used to do this thing when you hear a woman pilot. Oh, no. We'd do this joke. So he's like, hi, everybody. We're going to be cruising. And I just go up to, like, press the button. As a joke. You were a door guy? I am a door guy. She still is. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know Miranda? I do, yeah. Pass the test. She's telling the truth. Yeah, she's telling the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what history do you guys, the door people, talk about? Talk about our history. We're both door guys. Yeah. You guys were best friends, and then you fought. I wouldn't say it was a fight that I hear about. OK. The candy bar in the butthole. The candy bar was in a fight. It was a coming together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And candy bar in the butthole. What do you mean? Was there not? Didn't you put a candy bar in his butthole? Listen, you guys, the problem is you take stuff out of context. As if he hasn't. I know. As if he hasn't had so many candy bars up his butthole in so many locations. What, do you Caroline Leavitt? Skewing the, what do you do? You have an agenda? Yeah. What is going on here? Yeah. What do you mean by candy bar in the butthole? That was my segue into the Byron Allen question. OK. Oh, yeah. What did you hear about the candy bar in the butthole? I heard that you guys were fighting. About which side it goes in first? He wanted it width-wise. I said, long's better, but do what you want. You're not cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this. Oh, yeah. It's Ari's best friend. I still have that shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have that shirt. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you stuck it in your own butthole. Yeah. Oh, I thought Ari helped you do it. Was there like a lubricant or was that just? I raw dogged it. Glue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just put glue on it. My butt has a natural lubricant that occurs. Yeah, I know. What a picture. I got to frame that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Don't frame that, please. I still have that tattoo. I want that on my gravestone. Your fingers are so cute. Yeah, thank you. Little sausages. What kind of candy bar was it? You have Wee Man fingers. Holy shit. I never noticed it before. Do I have them now? No. What did you do? You stretch your fingers? No, no, no. You stretch out your fingers? No, I did what Chopin did. He clipped. You know that? No, no. Chopin, the composer or the, you know. Pianist, composer, yeah. Excuse me? Pianist, composer. Yeah, that's what I just said. You looked at me, though, for affirmation. Yeah, I just looked. I like looking at you. This is a crazy picture. Yeah, yeah, it's a crazy picture. But he used to clip these parts so it can be longer. Yeah, I didn't do that, but I'm just saying that so he could reach keys that other people, this is just probably folklore, maybe not even true. Can you Google if that's true? You guys have the same nose. He also, yeah, we do. And also, he did that, and he's Asian. He got the surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get off that? It's a juxtaposition. I have a little person's fingers, and I don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You for your body You for your body You guys, oh, my God. You know what? Sometimes I just take Huel for a meal because, you know what? My body needs it. You know what your body needs, bud? Nutrition. Am I not right, Luke? Definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 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Yeah, so I think that maybe that was the case. I was up Chunko back then. Do you think you lose it off any other part of your body? Like. What are you trying to imply? Is your butthole as wide as it used to be? Oh, that's. I don't think that's. She was applying. Yeah, and I don't know why that you would go there. Well, a finger kind of looks like a wiener, so I was just wondering. Yeah, do you get a thinner dick? Yeah. It's thinner, but long. Oh, good. Yeah, but long. Okay. It clears out some of the, you know. No, no, no, I don't know. I don't know. The surroundings. I don't know, meta fucking water guy. Okay. Interesting. I saw you in a news interview. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the attacks on hormones. No, that's just look like me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How you just don't believe in any political party. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, yeah. What about you, Sam? No. Oh. Have you seen Home Alone? What? What? What the fuck? That segue is insane. That was pretty great. Oh, he looks like Stern, Daniel Stern. Oh. Oh, is that the segue? It was on point. Is that it? That was it? Is that it? God. Okay. What? Do you see people in the store with that mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really good segue. It was at. Didn't you just diss it on him? Because of the boil thing? Yeah. Let me. Okay. Do me, do me, do me, do me. Do me. Have you ever seen Ali Wong? Just the person. Just an Asian person? Yeah, pretty good. Okay. Yeah. I'll come up with one. Hey, Rams, do you have a rip on us? Do I have a rip on you? And Ari, yeah. I'm reframing from any rips on Ari. I think. Why, why? I just don't. I just. Just Matt? I'm not. Yeah. You guys don't know each other? I don't know Ari, no. How do you not know Ari Shafir? He's a regular at the store. You're not a door guy, too, are you? I was a door guy, but way after he died. He's a paid regular now. Nice. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Boil phase. Boil phase. Not paid regular. In my day, we both knew Mitzi Short. She was never messing with a boil. Never. Never. Get her off. What's going on with her head? Don't let it pass. Don't let it pass. Yeah, yeah. I could perform in the. In the boil room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah. There is no boil room at the store. But anyway. I know the place inside and out. There is no boil room. There's a belly room, but it's for boils. Okay. How many different rooms have you fucked in the comedy store? Oh, shit. I'll tell you. Yeah, let's see. Main room. Main room, back. Back, yeah. Green room. Both backs? That's. What's both backs? There's the couch one, and then there's the. Where just the mirrors are. No, no, no. I just didn't know. Oh, no, no, no. The second back. The showers. The showers? Yeah, because there's two doors. Where Argus hangs out? Because if you hear the first door open, then you stop. Yeah, where Argus hangs out. Did you fuck Argus? Where he's reading the paper? Still funny. Argus Hamilton. He's killing it online. He texts me all the time. Yeah, yeah. Does he really? Yeah. About what? Just jokes and. Yeah, yeah. Just testing the waters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He texts you. Is it. He's still slinging it, you think? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. Oh, yeah, yeah. With Bluetooth now? Wow. You think he sports it, like, in the air? In the 80s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he beats an invisible Mitzi? He's not around anymore, and his fist is growing too much. It needs to be whittled down. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He used to be violent, too. Argus was really violent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the story. I think we can. She was a bitch, though. So sometimes she deserved it. Who? Wait, wait, wait. I was going to say Mitzi. Wait, wait, wait. Mitzi? He was talking about Argus. No, no, no, no. Well, you didn't. Here's what your generation didn't. Yeah, do you guys fuck in there? No, no, no. Okay, sorry. Let's go back to what you said, and then we'll go back to what rooms we fucked. Okay. Can we do that? Okay, yeah. Okay. Oh, my God, that's so cool. What did I say? Mitzi's a bitch? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was such a cunt. I know, I know, but let's. In a good way. In a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you guys didn't experience that. No, we came chasing that, and then they shut it down before we could. When were you there? You were in the heyday, the tip years? No, I was there like two years ago. Were you getting tips still? They cut tips right when I left. What do you mean they cut tips? Who was that? For people that don't know, explain the tip thing. Okay, so when you do service jobs in America, people generally go. No taxes now on them, apparently. Here's a little something extra. They'll take a dollar, and they'll be like, oh, thanks, buddy. Thanks for showing up. I appreciate it. But at the store, it's different. No, none. Never. Never. It's more than a dollar. Not when I was doing it. I know. But what they're getting? That's what I'm saying. What they're getting. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You can get a dollar a month. I know. But these guys, I'll go, hey, I have some guests. Can they sit in that booth? And they're like, that's kind of safe. Yeah. Right? They're kind of safe. I got to save for who? Right? And they're like, we got people. We don't know yet. Yeah, we don't know yet. Yeah. But it's like hundreds. There was hundreds? I'm not getting hundreds at all. The era right before me, they would leave with $1,500 sometimes a night. What? Yeah. So maybe we'll get it. Dude, legitimately, $10 a year? We would come up with $10. Split it, you and I. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get $5, I get $5. We had to resort to stealing from the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight stealing. Also, you didn't know. I think I told you this. I mean, maybe both of you in San Jose. But there was a time where they had this weird contract with us where they only paid us $25 a day. A time. The whole time. The whole time. Right, right. So it was like, we weren't employees. It was a contract. Independent contract. Oh, I fought for that. I fought for you guys to be artists. I fought. You're an artist. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but. That's minimum wage is six. I know. So we would be there all day long, right? Door, I mean, phones, sometimes then door, lock, right? And you're there until one in the morning. You got 25 bucks for that. A night shift would go, it shows eight, so you guys get there at seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're there until 2.30. Yeah. Didn't they say you used to like have to clean the roof and stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to do crazy things. Yeah, did you like manual? No, one time she goes, she goes, mommy. I go, yeah, she goes, you got to clear out the Richard Pryor Theater. And I go, what? We own a theater? Yeah, it was like somewhere on La Brea, right? And it had been boarded up for years, right? And she goes, beware. She goes, beware. There are people living in there. Right? So I'm like opening this fucking, you know what I mean? There's like board, it's boarded up. But there are holes, right? But I didn't want to crawl in a hole. Yeah, yeah. So I just. I took a shovel. This is not in my job description. And I walk, it's black. And all you can see is eyes. Like in a forest. Black people? No, not black people. Did I say black people? Oh, you just said black. No, Peter Chen. That's a good note. I have Peter Chen. No, no, but you would see eyeballs. I go, hey, guys. You know, I'm in my 20s. Yeah. Guys. Please. Please leave. I just have a shovel. You would smell things that were like chemical. Yeah, they're doing drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like crack or whatever it is. Yeah, but I used to do crazy jobs. One day, they hadn't cleaned the roof in many, many years. Yeah. And they're like, I mean, you got to go up there and clean the roof. The leak. The leak and also the leaves. Clean it up. The leaves. And I'm like, literally, it's like fucking stacked with leaves. What time of day are you getting there? Are you getting there like early in the morning? I'm at noon. Oh, my God. I'm there at noon. $25? For $25. That was bonus. That wouldn't have even been paid. I was like, I need you to come early. Is there more money? Like, can you imagine? Yeah, yeah. And now, you know what drives me crazy, Ari, is now they have this thing called? Rights. Rights. Yeah, rights. And friends and family. Oh, here we go. What is that? Oh, you don't know about friends and family? Here we go. Is that when I was hosting? No, I don't think you. No, they didn't have friends and family. No. Friends and family now is during open mics. This is crazy. They get their own chance. It's a chunk of two hours. How long is friends and family? Two hours. Two hours. Hot luck. Yeah, but they all get to go up. When we were doing open mics, we still had to do the lottery. Oh, wait, wait, wait. So you're talking about employees? Employees. Employees always got a spot. They did? Three minutes. Yeah. Old man Lee. Oh. With your little fucking fake stories. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You got it. I'm taking my glasses off now. Wow. Old man Lee. Yeah. Hey, can I do some puns? You were in a rush to remember, so you get out of here. Are there people that go up that aren't employees there that are still friends? I rest my case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friends and family. Who are those people? They're friends. Of whom? Of the family. Of whom? Of the family. Yeah. We didn't have that. We're like Peter Shore's buddies. No, like if you're the host and you want to get your friend up in front of the booker, that's your little payment. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm with you. Hey, as a paid regular, I'm with you. End it. Get him on the phone. No, we're ending that. We're ending that. It's been there for years. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over. Yeah. They get their own employee belly room show. Yeah. There's an employee belly room show. We got three minutes. And if she came in her head, she goes, nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that I'm on the other side, burn it all to the ground. Wait, hold on. So you get paid, right? Yeah. You get paid, right? You get ample stage time now, right? Yeah. Because I've seen you host the big shows. Yeah. Wait, you're a door guy and you get to host? The big shows, though. Like Leno, Arsenio Hall. That's independent. That's not at the store. Was your reference of a big show two people from the 70s? No, no, no, no. But then they'll have Tim Dillons. Oh, Rhea Perlman. Byron Allen. Flip Wilson. Corey Feldman. Moritz All. If he's still alive. Yeah, yeah. Whitney Houston. Yeah. Didn't do stand-up. Yeah. That joke did not hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's dead. Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. But we were doing Flip Wilson was a stand-up. Yeah. That was the Boyle talking. Takes over sometimes. That's crazy you guys get that much stage time. And money. And money. So what do you mean they ended the tips? What did that mean? They got into a- Look how much Jew cares about the tips. Let's go back to that. I'm so into tips. There were people complaining, like Yelp comments saying, oh, I had to pay 50 bucks and I got a shitty seat or something. Hold on. Pause. Because you guys abused it. You didn't say- You go, you're not sitting there without paying me. The $50 for that, $75 for that. I agree with you. Yeah. We were flying a little too close to the sun. So that stopped. Stopped. Yeah, we don't get tip buckets anymore. So what do you get? Nothing? Well, we get tips. I'll be like, oh, if they're like, oh, can I save a seat for someone? I'll be like, yeah, but you just got to give us like 20 bucks to save a seat. And then they'll get 20 bucks. And then we have to split it between five people. You're supposed to say, if you hook me up. Yeah, that's the thing. That's where they fuck up. What do you mean? Don't be specific about the money. What do you mean? If you hook me up. It could be 100. But how about they give you five? Then you have to do it, but you don't hook up as much. Yeah, yeah. Or you just go, come on, man. Yeah, that's good. Have you ever met Natalia? Yeah, yeah. I've learned so much from Ari. I learned to be confrontational at the gate at the airport. TSA, it's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned how to be- You know, people go, I'm difficult at the TSA, right? Yeah. But I wasn't before I met him. And I realized, oh. Well, you could run amok. Oh. Well, what do you do? Well, you're confrontational. Yeah, I just, I started fucking, I don't like- I'll give you an example. Yeah. After you, you check your ID and you, you know what I mean? You give them your plane ticket, right? Afterwards, sometimes they'll go, where are you going? Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck would I tell you where I'm going? Yeah, that, that. I love that. That is what I'm talking about. A hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, a hundred percent, right? And then if they're like, sir, I was just trying to be nice. It's like, this guy's trying to fuck me. This guy's trying to come up and fuck me. Oh, all these gay TSA agents. Yeah, yeah. TSA, the agents for ass. When I used to, sometimes I would travel with them and I'd learn. Yeah. I'd go, oh, they're not the police. No, they're security guards. They're security guards. And you can see what the fuck you want to do. They're mall cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No real training. They can't shoot you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned something, a little tricky move from you. What's that? Oh, the don't take your picture? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that you can deny the picture? What do you mean? On camera, you could just say no. But you tried that last time. I didn't know they liked that. They just go, oh, okay. And they just let you go. Yeah. So something that Brett Weinbach told me. Yeah, tell me about, oh, I love these rules. Yeah, so he goes, you can say, like, I got to leave my shoes on. And they go, no, you can't. And they go, unless you have a medical condition. Flat foot. No. What? No. Sure, you can do this. Athlete's foot. No, why can't you take your shoes off for athlete's foot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that a medical condition? Oh, you got to think ahead, dude. Yeah. So you have to, but they can't say. You got to think ahead. Nice. Nice, B. Lee. Old man Lee. Old man Lee. Old man Lee's got him. He's got him. I'm back, dude. He's got him. You just make up some Latin. Make up something that sounds Latin. Like, spell it. I have molluscum contagium. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay. Sure, yeah, no shoes off for you. I'm a little confusing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Confusing. Yeah. Just say. Yeah. What would you say? Make up a word. Spellapapu. Oh, you have spellapapu. I have spellapapu. What is that? Spellapapu is when my toes are all grown together. No, no, no, no. Oh. You have no right to ask me that. It's embarrassing. Oh, you have no right to ask me that. It's embarrassing. Ah, that's the answer. Excuse me, sir. Why can't you take your shoes off? Paluxin explosion. You have Paluxin. You have to take your shoes off. You actually have to show us that. Yeah, you've got to show us that. You said explosion, and you're a paluxin. That's not great. Yeah, we're going to analyze your shoe. You have to want to think of it ahead of time. I'm really bad at improv. I really was improv. Being a Palestinian guy saying I have explosion. I got bomb bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got bomb bomb. Bomb bomb is my foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dynamite vest makes me itchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Just say I have a bomb in my shoe. That's what I have. A bomb in my shoe. A bomb in my shoe. Yeah, a bomb in my shoe. That's my cousin. So Brent Weinbach taught you that. Yeah, I'd say that. But sometimes when they're patting me down, if I got a fart, I'll rip it right there. I farted. You're smelling it now. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't go anywhere. Keep smelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, when they're patting you down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. Yeah, yeah. Right in their face. You know what I say? I go, keep going. They go, okay, we're good. I go, keep going. And they're like, no, you're done. I go, keep going. Keep going. Yeah, it feels good. I like it. I like it when they pat me down. Do you? Why? Because it's just a little massage, you know, sometimes. It's not really that big of a massage. It's a light Swedish massage. If I went to Thailand and they went like this to me, I'd be like, what are you doing? I'm not giving you a dollar for nothing. Reiki healing. Well, I used to put, so what I used to do, learning from him, is I used to put gigantic portable plastic vaginas. So you used to buy plastic vaginas? Yeah, just to put it into my. So they will check it. And then they have to pull it out. And you're like, oh, dude, I didn't wash that one. I didn't wash that one. It's more than three ounces of liquid. It's super sticky. and they have to hold it and I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's for my I masturbate I masturbate with that item and they put it right back and they close it right up, it's my favorite but I learn all that behavior from you all that behavior which is, kind of sucks because when I'm going through now TSA with a girl with any, like my girlfriend or whatever they have to do like three steps back because of you they can't be with me because they know how embarrassing it is and I'm like, why am I behaving like this they're just hard working Americans and it always goes back to this guy yeah, yeah, yeah, his poo trick I call him poo trick it's actually patriotism I love when I have time when I'm going home and up to a gig and I have time, I'm like, let's see how far I can take this I can get thrown off this and make the next flight yeah, one time they're like, hey, your shoes went off I'm like, it's not, it's because I gave her a weird look my shoes didn't go off, do it again I'm like, we can't do it again I'm like, you can't test me again but why waste your time that's the thing I always ask, I do it but I'm like, why are we doing it why are we doing this you've never caught anyone at some point she goes, sir, you have to I'm like, get your manager I went hard this one time and then they go, sir, can I leave what if I don't want to go, can I just leave I'm like, no you can't, so you're detaining me like you're taking my freedom now and they go, no and then they go, sir and I go, sir, do we need to call the cops and I thought about it and I go yeah, call them actually, I want to see why are you like that well, sometimes there's so many hours before you board a flight you've got time to kill it's for fun you ever do the lie, but then you convince yourself of the lie no, tell me, explain which I do a lot Bobby lied we all do you're one of the best at it but you've got to tell yourself I'm one of the best at it you're one of the best liars I know of all time of all time but it's all well, thank you what's the best lie you think you have probably 20% of the things I've said he's Mexican I'm immigrant but when I say my foot hurts if I take my shoes on and off, it's painful and then they go, can you just do it and I go, well, no, I feel a lot it's fucking painful, dude and I really believe it or if I was late because of something I was like, oh, I saw a murder I'm like, no, I'm really affected by this murder I saw and I told the cop I was like, dude, this fucking bitch won't let me be respectful I'm like, is that legal? do I have to be respectful? he was like, you can just tell this guy was like I just want to shoot black people why is this my job but why don't you just go through sometimes I do but I get it what do you get? it's like, this is pointless and I just don't want to be a part of it they've never caught anyone they don't stop anyone they've never caught anyone only two people have tried since 9-11 and they both got on the plane they're 0 for 2 since 2001 yeah, it's all just a big racket it's a racket sometimes I'm nice to them, though why? just because they look sad yeah, they should be no, no, they shouldn't be I'll tell you why because of the government shutdown and stuff they don't get paid it's a shitty job it's a nice job to have, too I don't mind them as much now but I used to hate them a lot I know I love them now like post-9-11 I had one nice guy no, no that was good job, by the way, on 9-11 thank you hey, hey, Ari you good job on 9-11 the last time we worked together yeah, yeah, yeah very good job those five Mossad agents that were watching really nice yeah, what is going on here? a passport seemed to have not burnt wow I first heard about 9-11 in August of that year yeah, yeah, yeah wow, wow we're getting into the really sticky territory we're gonna get shadow banned here you comfortable? no, I don't really know what's going on that's the best that's the best to take that's smart that's always smart I don't know I don't know what's going on Bobby teaches me a lot of stuff yeah, yeah you go on the road with him? yeah yeah, we're going to tour, what, tomorrow? yeah yeah, yeah, these two are opening for me on my tour nice until September or something or October and then we're done yep you guys, I've used hymns my hair is thick oh yeah hair loss doesn't fix itself, Luke okay I know you know that, right? and the earlier you act, the better hymns make starting simple with 100% online process and personalized treatment plans delivered straight to you, Luke okay Aunt Reggie Aunt Reggie, hear me out it offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that work including chews, oral medications, serums and sprays you know what? finasteride and minoxidil that's what it's all about doctor trusted, dude what else, dude? you shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself that's what I like about that yeah hymns brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first and what else, dude? well, I really like that there's like flexible subscription options so you can figure out you know, what's right for you yeah access to 24-7 provider support oh, whoa and once a day treatment options that fit your daily routine wow, things have happened as your digital treatments front door that get you back to your old self with simple 100% online access to trusted real health concerns all in one place for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss weight loss and more visit hymns.com slash belly that's hymns.com slash belly for your free online visit hymns.com slash belly featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for full details restrictions and important safety information individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride Helix for your sleep ah Helix for your sleep I have three bedrooms in my house wow every bedroom has a Helix mattress I'll tell you why okay I want any guest to sleep at my house Luke right and have them have the best rest of their life okay Helix helps you sleep better a study they ran found that 82% Luke of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress wow yeah super important for your health yeah what else guys well I've been at Bobby's house a lot and I've been sleeping in his beds a lot he hasn't been aware of this I just kind of come in and sleep in his bed yeah I've noticed there's been a huge upgrade in the beds yeah it really just improved my sleep and everything and I had a I had a problem in my neck where I wouldn't be able to sleep good with my neck but the Helix mattress literally fixed it I remember that one night like my neck feels better it feels really good yeah what I really like about Helix is the seamless delivery by the way it comes right to your door it does in a little box it's awesome what do you mean in a little box yeah it's like a box it's tiny but then you open it up and there's this giant beautiful plush mattress on the inside that's so cool yeah you know all about it I do yeah I know you do because you've opened my boxes before you haven't let me sleep over yeah yeah yeah Luke is allowed I know I wasn't sure if the Helix mattress was going to be right for me but I was comfortable getting it because they have 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty so for my whole life I'll know I can have this Helix mattress yeah wow go to helixsleep.com slash tigerbelly for 27% off site wide that's helixsleep.com slash tigerbelly for 27% off site wide make sure you enter our show name after check us they know we sent you helixsleep.com slash tigerbelly I feel like you have I've been to Australia before yeah but I've never hey where's the didgeridoo place yeah that seems no they're out there they're in for nickels give them a dolly or whatever there's no guitar center with the didgeridoo didgeridoo center yeah imagine going in there and just seeing 15 guys on just checking it out yeah they never buy they never buy it these guys never buy you just put it back on the thing yeah if 15 guys are playing didgeridoo you're just shit yeah and they never say George Harrison used to play this you know what I mean this type of didgeridoo you know cause you have those guitars you know what I mean like this is the one that Bob Dylan did same color yeah same color yeah yeah they never do that but if this war continues then they're gonna be in a recession there's gonna be a global recession yeah but that's when people need comedy the most yeah I feel like you're like acting too far in their face you guys can't be reading the news this way what do you mean thank you Ari you're letting it affect you in a way that's like what do you mean people are being affected there might be this if this then there might be this yeah that's called foresight it's called foreskin it's called foreskin it is called foreskin she's got a good point there tell me do you believe in that foreskin yeah I think it's a myth yeah I've never seen it are you surprised yeah dude wait I'm not sure actually don't please let me see it do it yeah yeah yeah let me see it it's a Snickers bar let me see it let me see it are you looking yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah whoa dude you need reduction on the testicle I need yeah I need less these testes yeah pull that out please you have to take it out take it out take it out take it out do you have knee problems those testicles are huge I saw them yeah it goes Burt Chrysler in terms of testicles dude I've seen both they look like a boil the best photo - All I have is you pooing at. - Skankfest? - Yeah. - We were there for that? No, but I have a photo. I mean, it was passed around to everybody. It's one of the greatest photos ever made. Oh, I got in trouble for that. Yeah, did you really? Yeah. Did you know, when you pooed on stage, was that an open or a closer? Yeah, it's hard. You can't open with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, and now for my ruminations on relationships. I'll let her know this. You ever just use a dryer and not the washer? Boys, come on. Yeah, do you close with it? Yeah, I close with it. Well, it opened to close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you get anxiety when you have to poop on stage? It's not like it's a. The rumor is you do this often. Wait, is that his. Is that his closer every fucking time? Yeah, yeah. I also like the insider actor studio style of question. Like, so, tell us a little bit about your process. What were you eating prior to shitting on stage? I actually ate a lot of, like, Vienna sausages. I really had to make sure it happened. Did you take a laxative? I didn't take a laxative. It would have been smart. But I did have, like, some sort. Something, like, I was taking antibiotics before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, don't ask. And then a lot of Vienna sausages. I want to ask. What? Why were you on antibiotics? I don't know what the antibiotics were. I was on them. For what? An infection of some kind. Okay. Had to be an infection. All right. What else were you on antibiotics for? Yeah, but if you don't know where the infection is. I don't remember. It was two years ago. Maybe it was from his foot. Latin foot. Maybe it was trench foot. That call back. I know bad really bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. Keep going. But that's why I like about you. Backdoor shift today. Oh, yeah. She's still working. She's not a paid regular yet. She's still working on callbacks. Yeah. All right? He's not like him. You'll get there. You'll know about callbacks. Okay. All right. Okay. Because you were supposed to repeat exactly what the callback was. I know, but I didn't remember the Latin face. I know. His bombastic, the chew explosion would have been funny. Explosion, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Okay. Anyway, let's move on from the infection. Yeah. Ate a lot of Vienna sausages. Okay. And then I was like, don't take a dump today. How hard is that? It was hard, but also I had to shove up my butt stuff. That's so funny. Like what? No. I was announcing my Netflix special. Oh. So I had to shove a folded up piece of paper. I had to shove a folded up piece of paper up there. Oh. Yeah. I asked for a piece of paper and they brought me like card stock. And I'm like, this won't. No, no, no. Big, thin paper. So you were doing magic. I was doing magic. Yeah. So I shit and then I pulled. Slide of butt. Out of the shit. Slide of butt. Slide of butt. Slide of butt is nice. Slide of butt, dude. I liked it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so how long was that piece of paper stuck up there? A few hours. Wow. Yeah. You felt it? I felt it the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But did you know you had to take a shit? Yeah, I had to take a shit the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to hold it. You had to hold the poo by doing whatever that is. Yeah, yeah. Angling. What did people say when you were pooping on stage? There's a sound they make. Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. Can we all guess what the sound? Oh, okay. If I saw it. Okay, yeah. I'd be like. Okay. All right. All right. What's yours? No, you go first. Yeah. Oh. Okay. That's appropriate. What's your sound? Oh, I see. Oh, you would have vomited. I'm shocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little shocked. But to us, it would have been. I love crazy. Yes, that would have been. Yeah, I mean, in my mind, I'm like, that might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen live as a stand-up on stage. Yeah, that's insane. So I would have been like, oh, shit. Literally. Literally shit. So on stage was Jeff Ross and Tony Hinchcliffe, two roast guys who were quick. And they both were like, later, like, I couldn't think. I wasn't even thinking. I was just a fan. I'm supposed to make jokes now. God, you blew away roasters. I blew away roasters. Can I ask another question logistically? Don't steal it. That's hack. What? Don't steal that move. Don't steal the bit. I'm not going to. Don't do that. I'll go, I'll go. You can do it tonight. Yeah, yeah. During the back door. You're in Australia. But in Australia, it's a different hemisphere, so you got to suck it in. You got to take someone else's dump and suck it. Yeah, you got to suck it in. Pull your pants down. And was there, like, a few minutes before the poop came? Or was it just immediately poop? That's a good question. That's a great question. Yeah, doing the rounds. Yeah, yeah. I actually had some stage fright. And it kind of sucked back in a little. Was it you scared? Or was your butthole scared? My butthole was like, this isn't serious. Yeah, but you were fine. I was like, come on. It's like your mind, right? It's like we want to get a bonus. Observing your thoughts. What Eckhart Tolle says. Yeah. We do that with our butt. Eckhart Tolle would have loved this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We observe the butt. Yeah. Right? But that's not who you are. It's not your conscience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something else. It's a muscle. Okay? It's very interesting. So you're fine, but your butthole's freaking out. Can one of you guys go to my car and get, I got a present for you guys. If it's poo, I don't want it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like your presents. Isn't it like the lifted back thing? Okay. I don't like your presents, though. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love my presents. My presents and my presents. I like your presents. Your presents, though, they think the poo in the handle. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the poo in the handle? I don't want a poo in the hand. Oh, they don't know. It's the worst one in the- Oh, you don't know about the poo in the handle? Have we talked about the poo in the handle? They don't know, though, which is crazy. How do you know about the poo in the handle? I've never heard it before. Now, what is it? You guys have a little, like, the poo. You got a poo fetish. He's one of my biggest mentors. I was talking to you in the interview about today. I wonder who his poo mentor is. I don't know. He was. He's 73. He was like, hey, whatever you saw on Carson, this ain't that. That's not, no, no. We're at another level. This is a comedy store. Yeah, we all go to the edge of it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do dark shit and then go to Mr. Pizza. Wow. Remember that place on Fairfax? Bobby used to tip more than anybody, and then when we came in, they were like, it's all full. They see Bobby, they'd be like, oh, Bobby. Bobby. And they'd be like, right this way. And they're like, get the fuck out of here. Bobby Lee's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd clear tables for you. Damn. Bobby lives for that. I think he loved that. No, it's because I tip well. Yeah, but I mean, I think that moment, you live for that. But even then, though, but even then, I didn't have the money to do what I did in any way. Yeah. How would you, remember I owed you four grand? I do remember that. Yeah, I paid you back. You did? Yeah, yeah. But that was before the, after the violence. After the violence. Violence is the answer. We're not going back to the violence. We're not talking violence. Yeah, we're not talking violence. When I think of you, I don't think of the violent years. I think of the mentor years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pre-violence. Pre-violence. What did he loan you four grand for? Rent or something. No, no, no. I was, I had relapsed. I had relapsed, and I was burning through Mad TV money. Yeah. And I burned through all of it. Really? Yeah, and I needed four grand to pay my mortgage. You're a pill dealer. What? You need four grand for a pill dealer. Yeah, I was a pill dealer. Yeah, but I was in debt. I got you guys this, because this discussion's actually perfect. Oh, my God. What the fuck? What is it? Oh, wow. Wow, very cool. And that's for us? That's for you guys, yeah. Yeah, used? Now, is it used? Yeah, it's used. It's dirty on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brand new. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brand new. Now, are you, did you get me this because I'm getting old? Is there poop in there? There's no, hopefully not. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no poo in there. Is there poo in there? I checked, no. Okay, good, good, good. That's a good employee. Good, good, good. That's dirt's just outside moss. That's just like pollen. Yeah, and you bought that specifically for the podcast or me? For you. Yeah, why? Housewarming. I never got you a housewarming. Oh, okay. Oh, that's really nice. Just in case you're out of the deck and you don't want to go in but you got to take a poop. I think that should be over there. George, can you put it there, please? Thank you. So, is that a squatty potty? No. No, no, no, no. There's no squat. It's just like a, it's a transportable potty. Yeah, that's just a potty. Yeah. Wow, that's so cool. Thank you. Really nice. So, do you have to get rid of your own poo in that bowl? Yeah, well, you can have it. Yeah, what do you think? Well, like, you can let nature get rid of it through time. It's more of an opener's job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns into a fertilizer event eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of fruits and vegetables out there as you grow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, oh, I said the poo story. Please. It's just there. Yeah, so it's going to be there. Well, we've talked about this before. What do you think? Should we say it again? I mean, you should explain it to them because there's probably because of education. Education. New audience doesn't know. So, I made the mistake. It's a three-prong. It's a three-pronged. It's a three-pronged one. I made the mistake of peeing on his car. Not me. Whose car? Jim Painter's. Oh, yeah. So, Jim Painter was a comic and I made the mistake of peeing on his car. Okay. No, back up. Keep back up. Wait, wait, wait. There's more? Yeah, you got to keep back up. You got to keep back. All these where you get to the end and be like, oh, wait, we'll cause it, we'll cause it, we'll cause it. Oh, there's cause and effect. Pause, yeah. Oh, I see. I didn't know. Bobby. I didn't know. Only effect. Only effect. I thought pee was the beginning. No, yeah, no. No. Pee was not the beginning. All right. Okay, okay. Back up, back up, back up, back up. Back that up. He was blessed. In Escondido, there was a man who thought he could take advantage of a defenseless child. Forward 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was in Minnesota, actually. It was in Minnesota? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's Escondido? Near Poway. Yeah. Yeah, I was, you mean the molestation. Yeah. Yeah, that was in Minnesota. You had to go on the road to get it? No, I lived in Minnesota. Oh, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, I did. For 10 years. Okay, he likes doing hugs. Occasionally, he would take his dick out. Like, like jackass gay. Yes. Yeah, jackass gay. Jackass gay, jackass gay. Wait, but you just took your dick out. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're saying that you learned that from me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the man. Yeah. Yeah. That's my favorite bow, dude. It's like a Templar. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Don't do that. Please don't do that. Listen to me, okay? First of all, first of all, I think that's an exaggeration. I think that was always in you. Oh. Oh, you brought it out of him, but that's what a real master does. There's a wizard. You had the power all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your penis was there. No, you hang out with like-minded people, right? And it's always in them to behave in this way. Maybe that's what drew you to me, because you didn't help every door. Another thing that you did was when you first started doing comedy, you mimicked some of my styling. Probably, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And if I would get a wristband, a sweatband, you would get a sweatband. Well, the difference was you were a skater and I was a poser. Ooh. Wait, wait, wait. I was scared? Skater. Oh, skater. I never skated. Poser. You can skate. I can skate a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can- But you were a poser. Yeah. So I would- Oh, yeah, that style was so cool. Toy machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would wear toy machine, zero, you know what I mean? I'd wear sweatbands, skate shoes, like the new Jeff Rawleys, right? Oh, yeah. The wristband, the colored wristband. It was so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine taking fashion advice from Bobby, and I did. I was like, this guy's so stylish, I want to emulate him. Also, on stage, you would hold a mic in a certain way that was like my style. Yeah, that's me, Ari, back in the- Look how tan I was then. Yeah. Wow. I like how they're- Oh, yeah, there's a wristband. There's a wristband, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I stopped wearing it because you started wearing it. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is that guy? That's a guy by the name of Paul Hughes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He ran a good show in like- Vegas. Stockton or something. It's funny, you guys chose the least stylish photo of Bobby I've ever seen in my entire life. He's just wearing a- Still raw denim. Raw denim, yeah. Still great. Still raw denim. Is that really raw denim? Yeah. Still raw denim. Look at the knees. Oh, you look at your little face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway- So chubby. Yeah. When the fuck was that? I don't know when that was. Where was this? 2003. Yeah, that looks like- 2003? Who the fuck's Getty? Why does Getty own my image? I have no idea. Michael Schwartz. Oh, he used to be around. This is at the Ice House. At the Ice House. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. And Paul Hughes apparently is giving me comedy tips. How dare you? Why are we all so close to each other? I have no idea. This is the gay- Well, maybe you're a little gay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned from you, Bobby. Okay, so let's go back to the- Okay. All right. So now he likes doing some gay stuff, and he knows there's limits. Can we just go to pee? Let's go. Yeah, let's go. So you try to give Jim a hug. You're like, Jim, give me a hug. And Jim was a very kind of- He was like, I don't- I'm from rural. I don't play that at all. Jim, give me a hug, or I'm going to piss on your car. And that's when Jim was like- Well, in my culture, if I ask for a hug, I want a hug. Yeah. And I think in many cultures, it's that way. Yeah. For a long time, it was. For a long time, it's- In some cultures, they can't- They kiss on the cheek. We do it all day long. Men do, right? Yeah. So it's like, to me, it was a cultural denial. Denial of culture and just like- And racism. West Hollywood culture. And racism. Double cultural denial. I like how you turn pissing onto somebody's car into like a hero's story. The hero's journey. Well, you were- Well, there are consequences to one's actions. There's consequences. You have to comply. In fact- That's a universal law. This actually reminds me of a story of the- You attack Iran on behalf of Israel. You're the Israelis. He's the Palestinians. Now we're- Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Do what I say or you get it hard. Now we're stuck in a quagmire, right? And these are consequences of one's action. Also, to back you up on this, we've all done that, said something. I'm like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have said it. Yeah. You had no choice now. Yes. Yeah, I had no choice. You will never get respect anymore if you go, okay, I'm going to put- You have to double down. It's like a Hattori Hanzo. As a comic, you have to double down. Your dick is a Hattori Hanzo. It must- Yeah, exactly. Let me tell you something, dude. It was manufactured in Japan. Yeah, by a samurai, an ancient samurai. FYI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, did you know that? I did not. It's new news. No, I didn't. You're Japanese? Wait, what? No, my penis is, though. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a new Hanzo. Congratulations. Because it doesn't like women? Because the Japanese culture doesn't like women. That's not even true, and I have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I read all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, that was- Patio shift now. What? Patio shift now. She's moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're not working there anymore. You work at the Laugh Factory. Yeah, you're a Laugh Factory door. You're a Laugh Factory now. You're a waitress at the Laugh Factory. Laugh Factory door guys are not fun. No, no. Anyway, so then I pee on his car. He was very upset. Very upset about it. Although, can I make an argument of peeing on one's car? Please. And this, by the way, this was on the front bumper. Exactly. Like, it's not in the car. Right. So, what I'm saying is that, you know what I mean? It's a minor. Minor. Minor infraction. Infraction. Beyond minor. How about you? Beyond minor. You drive through worse probably in LA every single day. Okay. Bugs, you know what I mean? Wait, but was it in front of him? Yes. Of course. It has to. You have to lock eyes. And his friends. Yeah. And he locked eyes. Oh, his friends. So, he's just in front of him. And with a smile, like. And he said, do not do it. And what type of car? Beat up old car. Beat up old car. It doesn't matter. Okay. Now, if it was a Tim Dillon car, obviously I would not do it. Of course. Let's do it tonight. Have you ever pissed on a Rolls Royce, dude? Let's go piss on his car. Bucket list. Bucket list. But his car is so nice. What's that faggot going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he going to hit us with one of his rich canes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He does have many rich canes. Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, let me think about that. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He deserves it, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he flaked on me? He's the number one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple weeks ago, he fully flaked on me. And so maybe he does deserve a little pee-pee on his car. I asked him to do my storytelling show, the one that's out, and he was like, yes, I'll do it. And then I'm like, everyone's like, Tim Dillon's doing it. I'm like, Tim Dillon said he's doing it. Yeah, yeah. And then like a week later, still like a month out, he goes, he's not doing it. Everyone's like disappointed. I'm like, it's better he told us now. He was always going to play. He canceled on me day of. That's Tim Dillon. That's Tim Dillon. How many times have we booked him on the show and he never even showed up? We were just sitting here waiting for him. I think three. Yeah, three times. Dude, I've gone to my studio for my podcast in New York. He goes, oh, sorry, buddy. The flight. I couldn't get on because I'm like, what? Now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking? This doesn't make sense. You're supposed to be here. I'm in the Hamptons. That's all the way across the other side of the country. I don't think I'm going to make it. You don't think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in the Hamptons. You're never going to get here. Anyway, so that's a great proposition. OK. And let me consider. Ruminate. Let me ruminate, consider, you know what I mean? Let me take a dump on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a dump on that. Please, please don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, OK. All right, so I pee on his car. Yeah. He's mad. Obviously. He takes it as not just you peed on my car, but also that was demeaning on purpose in front of my friends. Oh, in front of his friends is kind of. Added detail. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim didn't get passed by Mitzi. That's not real. Doesn't matter. That's not real. Yeah, Spade, not real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't get passed by Mitzi, right? And you didn't get passed by Mitzi. That's true. Kevin Christie was the last one. What? Yeah, Kevin Christie. And who got Kevin Christie into comedy? You did? I did. Who did all the art for my new storytelling show? Kevin Christie. That's right. Right, because of me. Because of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got us all together. Yeah, it's all a circle of life. Yeah. It's like the Lion King. OK, so what's this? You said Sam Tripoli. You hit his car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shoot. You hit his car. How did you think you were going to get out? What was the angle on that? I had relapsed. You relapsed. I had relapsed. Oh, you were drunk driving. No, I wasn't drunk driving, and I purposely did it. You saw Cambodia there. You look like an Asian Sam Tripoli. You look like a different thing. Why is your face shaped like that? Well, because I have Cambodian looks. It looks like V from Vendetta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I get angry, I turn Cambodian. Do like, what? Oh, my god, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a funny face. You look like, who's the guy? It was a horror movie where he played a witch building dolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Nicolas Cage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nicolas Cage in that movie. Oh, my god. Look at how, what a fat piece of shit Tripoli is there. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Wait, who's got the camera? Yeah. I don't know who has the camera, but. And who's filming for the, there's two cameras here. Exactly. I don't know what the hell the thing is, but I had to pay $5,000 for that. You smashed into his car. Yeah. Anyway, let's go back to the saga. So you saw he was mad, and you're like, shit. I might have gone too far. But let me ask you something. Yeah. To the judge. Please. In jury, right? Thank you. And I only peed on his bumper. Yeah. In the front. Only bumper. Yeah, only bumper. So now, do you think that, what consequences do I deserve there? Can I ask you a question? How long have you been a paid regular at this point? Me? Yeah. Since before we got there. Which means he was always a paid regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always been one. Elder. I'm an elder. Elder, yeah. I'm an elder, yeah. Can I ask you? I'm the Ayatollah. Judgeroo. Yeah, if you want to go back to war terms, I'm the Ayatollah. And because you used that word? And he's not Israel. No, he's a Congo. How much water did you drink that day? Good question. I don't drink a lot of water. I don't remember being an exceptionally long pee. Thank you so much. That's my defense. But see, if it's not a long pee, it's a smelly pee, because it's dehydrated. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a red bull? Extra yellow. Extra yellow. It's kind of chunky. A longer, clear pee is less damaging than a short, yellow pee. Although, can I say this? I'm a yellow person, and the insides are yellow. It makes it yellower. Yeah, it's an optical illusion. It's an optical. It's actually clear. Yeah, it's. It was actually clear pee. Is that why you wear those yellow tinted glasses so you can't see Bobby? Yeah. He can't see me right now. He's only listening. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that. What do you think now with all the evidence that you have? Not guilty, dude. No, no, no. Pause, pause, pause. We're not done with the story yet. The defense calls more details. Exactly. So Bobby says, okay. And just said, I thought you were like, I went far. I can see you're angry. Whether or not I was wrong, I'm going to be a gentleman about this. Tell me if I'm wrong. And I'm going to take you, Jim, out for a sandwich at Jerry's Deli. Okay. We were poor. Bobby was the only one buying us meals. Different Bobby. Different Bobby. I always buy people's meals. No, I mean like buy nicer stuff. Yeah. Now he's saying you buy nicer. Wait, wait, wait. Let's get this correct. Yeah. Let me get this correct. Right. How many meals have I bought you, Ramsey? I've eaten like a king because of you, Bobby. But I think the point. No, no. I'm not done. Okay. All right. I am not done. You're not done. How many meals have I bought you? I'm not using it against you because I'm happy to do it. And I've always done that through the history of time. Maybe four or five. Okay. Do me. What? Do me. Hundreds. Okay. Thank you so much. Wait, but. Me. Thousands. Okay. So here we go. What the hell? All right. What do you mean what the hell? I only got four or five. You're new. You're new. All right. Become a paid regular. And I also don't want to pay for two. Economy's tough, man. It's economy's tough, dude. All right. I got to pay for your friend too. So. So. All right. So. So the. No, that's not a good. That's not a good. That's a big. That was a big get. That's a big get. We couldn't afford that on our own. Yes. I hear it. So did I buy him? Did I buy him juries? Well, extra detail. Yeah. As soon as you. And this, you'll be like this. Yeah. You're like, Jim, let me take you out for a meal. And then me and Aaron Cater. No, no. Me and Mike Black. Yeah. And Mike Black. Yeah. We're like, we're like, can we come? Yeah. Even though we weren't part of it. Yeah. Yeah. Probably say yes. Yeah. Okay. That's a big meal too. If Mike Black's there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was five people. Five sandwiches between us. Yeah. Five extra people. All the fixings, fries, steak fries. Steak fries. Yeah. Yeah. All of it. I don't chintz. You don't what? I don't know. You don't chintz. You're so close to racist. That sounds like a. Yeah, but isn't that a word? Chintz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's an old timey word, but I'm not cheap. Yeah. I don't chintz. Yeah. Yeah. That word will give you rickets. Yeah. Yeah. With Jim Painter. But let me ask you this. Pay for me too. In the dinner, you think that James Painter was ruminating about revenge. James Painter? I think he was in the process of forgiving you. I think he was letting it out, and he goes, he's expressed remorse. That's in his head. And I did. Yeah. Right? And he goes, he did this for me. I actually desperately need a meal. I love it. Okay, great. And then Mike went to take a dump. He takes dumps as soon as the meal's over and whips them out fast. He takes a lot of dumps. It's gotta be a lot. It's gotta be. We went to pee. And then we were like, let's go back to our cars. We drove separately. Bobby parked over there. Jim parked over there. Yeah. And then. I believe a fib is about to happen. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like the current. Oh, no. I feel like. No, no, no. I feel like. Oh, no, no. Order. Order. No. Order. Order. The defense has the floor. Oh, no, no. All right. All right. I can finish this story knowing the rule of comedy, I think, right now. So Bobby's like, are we good? And Jim really feels it. Yes. When you get a real apology from someone, you do. You get that moment of like, that was. I see you mean it. And I'm OK with it. Of course, I was hurt. But we're done. And hopefully, that behavior will never happen again. You don't say that. But that's what's going on in your mind. We're getting ready to leave. Bobby goes over to his car. And on his way to his car, waiting for Mike Black. So we're across the street and down just a touch. And then Bobby pulled his dick out and pissed all over Jim's door. And then jumped in his car and drove off. Bobby. That's tough. That's really tough. He'll find a way to get out. He'll find a way. You'll find a way. You know me well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe you. Bobby. I'm not done. It's not done. Objection or no? What? Objection or no? Object. What's your objection? Object. I don't recall that. Dude, you nailed it so hard. It was so well played. Number one, I don't recall it. Right? I really. Because to me, it's like, once I'm men with a nation, I'm going to be men with a nation. I'm going to be men with a nation. Yeah. Right? I cease to the negotiation. I think what you did. And that's who I am as a person. I think you handled it like Columbia. Excuse me? Repeat that. Once you mend. No, what I'm saying is like, once I negotiate, right, and I apologize to a nation. Yeah. Right? That I did something wrong. Yeah. Right? And we do a settled agreement. Uh-huh. Right? I don't go back and rip it up. Okay. Can I tell you something else? Don't put your hand up like that. That's like a good leader. That's like a North Korean kind of agreement. But now you're also a comedian. Yeah. So now imagine if you got Benjamin Yung-Jung-Ja-Ju. Yeah. And Yasser Arafat. Is he still the guy in charge? I don't know. I have no idea. He's been dead for 40 years. Oh, what? I'm just finding out right now. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We'll mourn him later. And let's say they made a big peace deal. They made a big peace deal. And it's like, oh my God, this is like crazy. And now they're in front of the cameras and they're going to shake hands. And it's going to be this massive moment. So everyone, nations around the world are looking. But you're Benjamin Yung-Jung-Ja-Ju. And you're also a comedian. You're a comedian. So Arafat goes to shake your hand and you know this is peace. But then you go, nope. Psych. You get him with the psych. It's because it's funny and you know it would be funny. So you're torn in two directions. It's the itch of getting the laugh. And you got to laugh for me, buddy. I think it was. So here's what I'm saying. It's a high-level move. That's my defense. Okay. Number one. Number one. Number one. Number one. Number one. Thank you for helping me. I don't know. He's a defense. You're a prosecutor and a defender. I was like, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe one day I can. So what I want to say to you as instinctually as a comic, right? We make this fake deal, right? And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, right? And then I pee on his car again, okay? It's so funny. It's so funny. And I don't think you planned it the whole time. Yeah. I think you saw an opportunity for a joke and you're like, oh. It was instinctual. Yeah, yeah. And I did have to pee. And the pee. The pee was also just white. Okay. Okay. So that's good. That's cum. Fresh water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cum? On the door. On the door. Pasture door. All right. So that's what. Is that the end of the pee sequence? Okay. So now I'm standing. So you both. Yeah. So end of pee sequence. Can I ask one? Yeah, go ahead. So it wasn't premeditational, the pee. I don't think the second one was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like. So is there a difference between. Attempted. Attempted murder or premeditated murder. Yeah. If you were like, hey, Jim, go over there. That's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You saw last second opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was instinctual. Heat of the moment. Heat of the moment. You walked in on your wife with somebody else. Exactly. I happened to have a shotgun. And then you peed on her. The shotgun was your wiener. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That. What? That felt like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's still open mic. Okay. Don't pee on me, Bobby. I don't do that anymore. He's a different guy now. Yeah, I'm a different guy now. I'm a different guy now. So I play by the rules now. Because before you could afford it, I could fucking. I think you'd pee on my car if you could. No, I wouldn't. Really? No, no. I've had many opportunities. True. Senior car, yeah. The instinct's there. Yeah. Right? And the drive is there, but the motivation's gone. Now that you've done this before. Wise man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a wise. I'm an old man, Bob. Yeah. Okay. Old wise man, Bob. Old wise man, Bob. Old wise man, Bob. All right. So with that. So, Judge. Yeah. With that in play. With that new in place. With that new, like, it was just an instinct. I'm a comedian. I had to do it for. I'm not doing it for James. I'm trying to make him laugh. You did? And it made him laugh hysterically. The price of a laugh, right? With James. What is that worth to you? But also. Judge, what is that worth to you? Depends on. I mean, yeah. Look, it's worth a lot to me. But in the moment, I'm thinking of myself as James. As James. As James. And it's tough because in that moment. I'm not mad at you. Yeah. There's no beef between you and him. The beef was in our bellies I understand that When you hear the second half of the story You know what I mean? Wait, this isn't even the second half No, no, no, this is the beginning This is a new hope We're not at the fucking J.J. Abrams movie yet This is episode four of Star Wars There's the Clone Wars before and then we go So here's the thing What's really astonishing about this whole setup Is he had something to do with the second half I forgot something in the first half No, no, no, you can't say it Why not? First half is over It's inadmissible It's written It'll help me Here's the thing And for more stories like this Check out Ari's new storytelling As they whisper this I just want to be clear about something You guys are the jury here Okay, okay, okay All right, so here we go Here we go, here we go Okay Go ahead So during the very first pee Before it happened Bobby was standing over his car And he goes, give me a hug or I'm going to pee I believe I remember me going Bobby, if you make a threat and don't follow through He'll never respect you Pushing it Accomplice Accomplice Right But that still doesn't happen Help him in the second half of the story It doesn't help Jim It doesn't help him No Yeah, yeah, yeah So you're trying to say That Ari should be on trial And not you I'm the victim You're the victim? You're the victim? Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm the victim, dude Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah There's a real victim in this And you're going to like who it is Yeah There's a real victim in this later Where is Mike Black during all of this? Mike Black is He's still eating He's still eating No piss he's taking leftovers off people's plates yeah he's still at the restaurant so as he's going puttering off like fucking the Jetsons that's when Mike Black comes out to what he's clearly sees like there's something like we're walking our friends with escalation breaking up with a girlfriend you're like oh he feels it there's some anger Jim is livid Jim's livid what's Mike's what's Mike's Mike goes what's going on okay good peacemaker Jim is shaking with rage I've never seen it before since yeah yeah yeah it's white rage can we talk about that it's the most dangerous it's the most dangerous rage you know what I mean it's Edomite rage what and that's something that people have to google yeah but I mean I know I'm a judge but yeah I get it what's Edomite I'm pretty yeah I mean you know what I mean I think that anyway let's just move on okay yeah let's strike that from the record from the record but it's some of my friends have white rage and the rage is they like I'll give you an example white people when they serial kill they have to do extra you have to eat them they have to use the skin as lampshades you know I mean they have to do extra stuff right you don't just punch your friend because you're wrong do you say I'm gonna punch you every time I see you yeah it's it's this is what I it's an old Russian reference okay if you hit me with a feather I'm gonna hit you with a tank yeah that's white rage yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sounds Israeli to me but yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but they opted it from the Russian right so it's like James this guy this character I'm saying right has that mentality now right it's like you hit me with a feather I'm gonna hit you with a tank and I don't think that's fair okay I mean I think it should be eye for an eye like the Bible but no but I don't like eye for an eye because if the person who started it went up to here so he's ahead yeah but he started it by not hugging me but that's one way to look it all starts with gay stuff it's one way to look at it it's one way to look at it it's the only way to look at it elder paid regular comes up to you wants a hug yeah yeah kind of his place he's like I don't I don't do I don't do that gay shit come on man what part of the comedy story is this lot lot by the door yeah well first it was all over the lot and then it was down sunset a little bit running Bobby here's another gonna be able to catch up to anyone may I say something else I'm gonna yeah just by just that fact alone right he's not a paid regular I yeah this is but he is cars in the law this is a huge problem that feels like you this is it's a huge problem this is you got in a car accident and that guy doesn't have insurance you go why even on the fucking or license yeah why you was late it was late no it was late late something we got we're allowed in there but the rule is it wasn't promised to us 3,000 years ago it was it was when it's late we just kind of took it this wasn't something was problem okay my defense is this okay what is his car doing there in the first place this is evidence that it's really important yeah yeah it's ego it's like I have connections you know I mean like I bought all the Senators oh yeah I mean interesting interesting oh yeah all right so yeah so now this is the main part of a story at the end of that okay Jim Mike black comes up on we just move on from that job let me tell you what I saw I saw a seething Jane Painter unable the who wants here Avengers gone and I was like worried myself was like whoa I was like are you mad and he was like I'm so mad like it was like he was breaking his brain yeah yeah yeah yeah and I was like are you gonna get him back and now Jim's mind it went it went yes okay make apology repass okay all right yes I didn't see that part yeah yeah because I just robot it's fun with friends yeah yeah friends with a cackle yeah with my infamous cackle okay yeah okay good driving into the night you know me little do you know he's planning yeah yeah I didn't see the rage part yeah right yeah yeah the trembling alright I was like shit I got I might have to talk I was like right yeah now now let me tell you about right white rage okay yeah yeah yeah and let me tell you about how brick you what he's gonna thank you he's gonna thank you right the precision right the planning can I tell what he does we told me though I was like what are you gonna do like I was worried yeah yeah he goes I'm gonna shit on his car okay so tank shaking yeah the tank shaking yeah log so let me ask you judge if I may right does P go straight to pool and that's a philosophical question great philosophical question yeah yeah yeah yeah these two peas yeah just two peas and aggression versus a lot of poop is not like oh shit what you're saying I didn't mean so what you're saying is you didn't save the pool an aggressive you didn't save the pool hold on yeah yeah wait he saved the pool please refrain from asking defense any question I will ask the question yeah yeah was it your counselor so this is where you're gonna this is where you're gonna be interested especially okay so a few nights later possibly the next night possibly down the road I think a couple of nights because you had you had to surprise me yeah you were on your say you be I was on my yeah I still I was still on my words I think it might have been the next day because of the details of the poo oh okay so here we go sandwich in there yeah so no it's worse the cars in the parking lot everybody said Bobby goes off to sky bar or standard I forget yeah I don't know you went off I was younger I would could do the clubs it wasn't drinking but he was like out going out going out yeah yeah with a guy yeah in my class who Aaron cater good friend good friend yeah yeah okay Palestinian yeah I love and also judge I've always loved the Palestinian yeah and that amount and throughout history I have okay okay as you can see at from a young man this court today yeah okay so he's off Jim's wrapping up we're all working Jim saying goodbye and I go hey hey hey again this might be my fault somewhat lots being revealed here I know I mean it's crazy case I know this so it is your fault I mean yeah yeah yeah what do you mean so much so the the lots kind of emptied out yeah ever it's like late night it's like 1:30 already and he's like our - and he's like I'm leaving I was like wait Jim yeah look who's cars there and he looks and he's like oh I'm reminding him of the car was I driving then I think it was silver yeah it was a GTI I think okay yeah yeah I had a Volkswagen GTI yeah yeah that's what it was nice car a little mighty car and I later got impounded because he didn't pay parking tickets it's the only car I've ever seen yeah total total from parking you know that story we'll revisit we'll revisit that story at a later day okay okay we'll do a part two of this yeah okay so he goes and I'm reminding him of his promise of his pledge who Jim oh you said you were gonna do something I see your prop well well well Bobby's not even around yeah no one's around the plots almost empty yeah you have to touch you a real man now the real question is who so he said can I said can I ask you a question yes may I ask you a question right judge it's yeah I love it I like it I like your moxie I love it who's poop who was it okay that's a fair question he said guess who shit oh my god you're right Bobby's cars there I just took a dump like an hour ago oh geez I wish I had known I surrogate I yeah yeah a friend in need is a friend indeed I like that let me just that's a good slow that's a very good song right right and it's a universal slogan right and I really enjoy it but if we go back to story number one right I did it all that for you what I mean the laughs you did I I know and I got me out of it I got a strong sandwich out of it and you got a good cackle out of it right what a good cat right so for you right to use the enemies right yeah and and supply them with missiles out of your butt you're right right right is to be questionable it's USA's logic yeah yeah hey Bobby but would you do the same thing no if you wanted to show on someone's car you go just shit an hour ago let me tell you something and I go let me help you out here let me have you had a no I would never do it so to speak I wouldn't do any of this behavior in the last 15 years this is before that though I know but I'm a completely different kind of person what's different what do you mean he's asking you to revisit those time yeah in that headspace you're not completely different what do you somewhat different what do you mean by that I mean you when you saw disposable toilet you don't go come on man you out put it in the shot you're not completed what I'm saying is I haven't I haven't changed comedically right right but in terms of like social norms and behaving in public right and because you know I've done corporate and this and that. I'm not going to act a muck on the set of Sex and the City. Yeah. Right? Right. I still can't believe we took that role. I know, but that's another day. Yeah. Okay? So what I'm saying is that, you know what I mean, I've changed in that way. But Carrie Bradshaw says, meet me, you go. That's one of my lines? Right from the record, that can't be used against Bobby. Thank you so much. Thanks for meeting me. When Carrie Bradshaw says, come, you go. Anyway. You're great in Res Dogs. Have you seen it? Legit, you're great in Res Dogs. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen it? No, no, no. Stop for a second. I got to defend this. Okay, yeah. I hope you saw that. This is him. They give you lines to say. Yeah. Right? You think I'm in any power, right, to do it any differently than I did it. Yeah, because when you called me and Santino and said, they're offering me this, we both said, why? Don't do that. Why would you waste time going to New York for some dumb fucking has-been show? And you go, I think I got to do it. Okay, anyway. Anyway. Okay. So let's go. I thought you had a defense. Okay, I didn't have a defense. I didn't have a defense. I will now be, that's, we're taking that into effect. Okay. That's a point of my, it's a point of course for the defense. Okay. I wanted to strike it, but you let it go. All right. Here's the deal. All right, here's the deal. Okay, okay, okay. I'm at the Sky Bar, right, enjoying my friend with my Palestinian friend, Aaron Kader. Of course. You're well, by the way. What? Half Christian, half Palestinian. Yeah. Yeah, and also, and also, I have many types of friends. Okay. Okay. Jews, Palestinians, fats. Yeah. Fats? Fats, yeah. Yeah, I love the fats. He loves the fats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love the skins. You do. The skinnies. Yeah, yeah. And I love the Boyle people. Okay. Yeah. They're my favorite people. We're indigenous. Yeah, yeah. We're indigenous. Boyle is right there. Anyway, let's go back. Okay. All right. So now, Jim Painter, let me just take over now. Jim Painter, right, has already, you know what I mean, done the number two. No. No, he hasn't. No, he said he already took a dump. Oh, he had already done, right, right, right. Right? Yes. Right? But this coward, coward. Yeah, and this liar, right, and this deceiver, right, goes, oh, I'm sorry, Jim. Here's a little thing. I haven't pooed yet. I haven't pooed from yesterday's sandwich. Right. Oh, no. And he has one brewing, right? So the poo that's being used in this terrorist act, right, was supplied by you. Was supplied by you. Supplied by you. But you supplied the ingredients in the poo. You supplied the paycheck. Oh, the, oh, wow. Positive effect. Yeah. I never thought of that. That was Jerry's deli. That was Jerry's deli poo. Yeah. Yeah. You fell on your own poo. You would have ate anyway. Yeah. I would have eaten nothing. No, no, no. That's it. That's the insane. You would have eaten something. I would have eaten something. The same day before you had that dinner, right? So you would have eaten something. Ramen, something, nothing. Yeah, but you would have still had to poo. Yeah, fair, fair, fair. Oh, fair, that's fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're a human being. Yeah, but if anything had green in it, I would have already pooed. Whatever, whatever. That's semantics. I don't know what he ordered. And that's, you know what I mean? Semitic, Semitic. That cannot be allowed in the. Okay. I'll strike that. I'll strike that. I'll strike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strike that. All right. So he decides, you, right, now this is what I heard, and I don't know if it's true. Okay. Okay. That you had pooed into a paper bag. Nope. No, it's crazy. Plastic bag. Oh, yeah. He's an environmentalist. A pink dot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot. It was a pink dot. It was a pink dot bag. A shopping bag for pink dots. He's not an environmentalist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so. But I was reusing. Yeah, you're reusing, right. And you took a spatula? Oh, yeah. First I pooed, no. First I pooed, I put it like over the toilet seat and I, oh, actually, great. We have something to act out. Okay, great. No, no, don't take your pants off, though. Yeah, okay. If this is the seat, if this is the seat, like this. Exhibit A is being entered into. I took the bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I put one side here. Do we have a plastic bag in here, or. I'll go look for one. Yeah, look for a plastic bag, please. Because if we're going to do it, we're going to do it. I'm having a difficult. If we're going to do it, let's do it. Yeah, if we're going to do it, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm having a tough time really imagining what this is going to look like. It's important. It's important. It's perfect that we have this right now. Yeah, it is perfect. This is so perfect. Okay. Exhibit A. That was nice. Way long. And I need, I need, I see, to my defense. Okay, nice. Oh, we found one. Okay, fantastic, fantastic. Okay. I need pops for my defense as well. Okay, okay. Why do you need a lunchbox? Yeah. All right. I guess we're going to take a. Just hold on a second, okay? We're taking a brief recess in this moment as we. We're taking a brief recess in this moment as the attorneys pull their evidence in here. Can I piss real quick? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. No, my dog's not out there. No, at this point, there's no way you can side with him. I mean, he's making it a hard time, but here's the thing. I'm a judge, so all I do is sentence. This is the jury. Am I part of. What am I exactly doing? You're a jury. I'm bringing the jury. Oh, I am? Okay, cool. I'm bringing the jury, so everybody here is going to vote, and I'm going to sentence. Yeah, yeah. Also, just as a jury member, know that, you know, tomorrow we're going to Detroit. Yeah. Share so I can be objective. Okay. Yeah, I would like to. You're still a jury member, but. What, are you going to buy me dinner? Oh, yeah. This is. It depends how you. This is called jury tampering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tampering the jury. This is not. I'm tampering the jury right now. You're about to get disqualified. I'm just. Kat's going to write a terrible book. You got plastic already. Is Ari taking a shit on your car? That's a possibility. When we move on, you'll see how insane this is. I can't wait. I can't wait for the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know this? Have you heard this story before? Never. Never heard this story. Oh, this is real. I've never heard this story before. It's a real story. Okay, okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go. We got the plastic. We got the toilet seat. So, this is Pink Dot. Great store. Great show there. This episode is about Pink Dot. Yeah, I mean, late night sandwiches, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, really solid. Okay. So, I put it into, like, this, the toilet. Yes. And then this here and that here. And I had to hold on with my hand like that. And then I pooped it. Okay. So, what is the apparatus you use? Yeah, yeah. Let's get some weight to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some weight to it. Okay. And then. Okay. And then I got up and I. Carefully. Yeah. Yeah, we understand. Yeah. Heavy. Very. Yeah, heavy. Heavy. Heavy. Pastrami. Yeah, pastrami poo. Yeah, pastrami poo. Yeah. This is not. Ramsey asking, which bathroom did you poop in? Okay, so it might have been rebuilt. I love it. That's important. That's important. I think that's an important question. It was rebuilt a little bit, but where the women's bathroom in the hallway is there, that. It was a men's bathroom right then or maybe co-ed. There might have been two co-eds right there. There wasn't that hall long way in like that. Right by the original. But it was right there, yeah. So, you were walking through the hall with just a bag of shit. Yes. But. It's 1.30 in the morning, too. Okay, okay. So, there's no audience. There's no audience. This is the dark years. There's no audience for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a little bit of schizophrenic was on stage and people were throwing chairs at him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone got that pass in the 70s. But it's like, it's also. Everyone's gone by 11 p.m. midnight, by the way. Okay. Yeah. So, you got your poop in your hand. So, then I gave it to my friend, Jim. James Boehner. Okay. I said, here you go. Yeah. Here's some uranium. Do with it. Do with it, as you will. As you wish. You can enrich it. You can. You can turn it into a bar. Yeah, you could. You could use this fertilizer. Yeah, fertilizer. You could do whatever you want. Yeah, for your crops or whatever. Big dump. It was a big dump. It was a big dump. Yeah, yeah. Not a crate. Not the best ever. A big. But on the upper. Let's say 80th percentile. Yeah. May I use my props, please? So, how did you place it? Where did you place it? Great questions. Yeah, and this is my. Yeah. All right, so. Okay, so in the moment, we're all getting an Exhibit C here from the. Yeah, so. Exhibit C. Oh. Okay. Exhibit C, please. Exhibit C entered. So, I'm going to do it like this, okay? I'm going to do it like this, okay? Okay. So, I'm having a good time with my Palestinian friend. Okay. Wow. Wow. Relevance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's relevant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to allow it. Yeah, you can allow it, right? Right? And I say, goodbye, brother, to my Palestinian friend. As-salamu alaykum. Yeah, no, not even that. I treat him like. Just like everybody else, huh? Like everyone else. Oh. Right? And I give him a deep hug because. A deep hug? I'll tell you why. Because when friends and you want to bond with people, I don't know what your generation does. Back then, we would give hugs. Okay? Give me a deep hug. I go, safe passage in your journey. Wow, that's great. Because if he had acted in a Muslim way, he goes, I'm just like Jim. Don't fucking hug me. Yeah. That was a Christian side to go for. Absolutely. He went off on his journey through the straight. All right? Okay. So now I'm opening my car door, okay? And this is the car door handle, right? It's one of those that go like this, so you can go from the top or the bottom. No, it was a click up. It was a click up. It was a click up, yeah. Oh, no. So in the click up, there's a layer of poo in the click up. Jesus. So I don't know if you know this, Judge, but when you stick your fingers in the door handle, right? It gets into your fingernails ASAP. I mean, you're pushing it right in. You're pushing it right in. Right into the fingernail. If you saw poop on the ground, you would touch it like this. You would dig in like that, right? So I'm digging into the poo. There'd be no reason for him to pause going through the poo. Right, right, right. And I click up. I pull it out, right? And now my hand. is filled with his poo. Sandwich poo. I'm not done yet, sir. Okay? Please. So in my panic and in my disgust, I know what it is. Yeah. As one does. You know it's poo. You know it's poo, but there's a little guilt. Okay, keep going. He doesn't know who's. I don't know who's. I don't know what's going on now. I'm going. All I know is there's poo on my hand. In a place where there's never been poo really in the whole country. Ever, ever, ever. A bird couldn't have. A bird couldn't. A raccoon just shoot it up. Dog went flying up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean. And nowhere else. It would have splattered. Quickly I went, it's human. It's human. Yeah, you know. Isn't it weird how people know the difference between human poop and dog poop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just know. You just know. So I went through all the animals, all the scenarios really quickly in my mind. Realized. Right? And I go, it's human. Right? And can I just say this? And I don't know why I knew this. I knew it was Jewish. Yeah, lemon bread. Matsui. So what I do immediately, right, is I go straight into the store with my left hand. I thought the store was closed by now. No, no, it's open still. So you have to do, like, shake it off? I have to knock on the door. There's still somebody there. I go to the bathroom. I wash my hands. I go, do you have any napkins? Someone pooed. Someone pooed inside the handle of my car. And in my mind, while I'm washing my hands and whatnot, it's painer. It's good, yeah. Yeah, it's all coming through. Yeah, you start, like, who would have, what's it called in legal stuff? Oh, the house. No, who would have cause to do it? Who would have motivation? Motivation, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you're like, who would? I went through that, too. Caroline Ray. I've never done anything. I went through it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Margaret? No. Oh. Judy Cianciato. Oh, yeah. Steve Kravitz. I mean, all the names went through, right? And it went to James Maynard. A lot of people don't like me, but who would do defecation? Defecation in the handle, right? And such a short term, too, right? Because of the day before. This was about 23 hours ago. 23 hours later. That I pissed twice on this guy's door. So I'm feverishly washing it off my hands. And it's in the nails? It's in the nails. I get paper towels. I wash them all off, right? And then I have to go get, like, some sort of, like, spray. And I don't know where the sprays are. I'm looking underneath a bar. Yeah, they're pretty. Poop spray. Like that. It's like bleach. You need to find bleach. How do you even get it in there? I found something where I sprayed it. I took the towels. Did you ask a homeless guy to help you clean it? It's not done. That's part two of the story. Okay. Number two. This is number two. So I get it all off. I do the best I can. I'll do the rest when I get home, right? What's your mood at this point? I'm in the worst mood one can be possibly in. Of course. You're paint-a-ring out. I'm in rage. Yeah. Because to me, pee doesn't equal poo. And I'm in a hand versus a car. Right. It gets worse, if I may. How could it? I have another exhibit, please. Are you all alone at this point? What? I'm all on my lonesome. So no one's even benefiting from getting the laugh. So it's just cruel and vindictive at this point. Yeah. If people were laughing, right, it would have been like, I would, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You'd have to laugh along with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. We're long gone. You got me. They're long gone. You got back at two? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're left. May I do exhibit two, please? Please enter. Exhibit D. I wish they had cameras. We're admitting exhibit D in two. Okay. Oh, boy. And here we are. Oh, boy. Here we go. This is exhibit two, please. And I just use, you know, this is the quick, the only prop that I could find. Sure. I'm sorry. Right? So imagine me, I'm in my car. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. There's a piece of poo now. Why is this so funny? Let's just say, there's a piece of poo now, right? On my window. Okay? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, when you see a piece, let me ask you, Judge, if I may, may I ask you, Judge, right? Yeah. When you see a piece of poo on the window, what is your first instinct? To try to remove it in some way, shit. And how would you remove it in a vehicle if it's in your front window? How do you tell a piece of poo like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that big. You know, I suppose at the time, I mean, you're in your car or you're out of your car? I'm in my car facing out. The door is closed. I would probably try to get out, find a napkin. No, no, no, no. You would use the windshield wiper. I see, I see. You, at the time, don't even realize it's poo, you're saying. I know it's poo. But it's like a spot. I'll tell you why. I know what poo looks like. Yeah, okay. Okay, all right, all right. Was it human? It was a human poo. And you gotta think, it's gotta be related to the other poo. Yeah, yeah. It's related to the other poo, but to me, it's like, you know what I mean? Like shrapnel poo, if I may. Yeah. From the door. Unrelated, just pouring the splatter. Yeah, exactly. One drop fell off. Yeah, one drop fell off, right? So what I do is, I use the windshield wiper. Yeah, reasonable. Reasonable. Lo and behold, all the poo is on the windshield wiper, fucking. Packed in. Packed in. Packed into the windshield wiper. Right. That's just below, in that bar of like tan, that's just below. Yeah, yeah. So now what I'm doing is pooing the whole window. Both windshields. Look, both windshields. I'm pooing the whole window, right? It's black. A dark black brown window. Holy shit. All right, so, yeah, yeah, yeah. But under the weight of the poo, the windshield wiper's like, we're not made for this. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Okay. Okay, go ahead. I have a question. Yeah, what's the question? Okay, so who, okay, so you managed to get the poo off of the clicker, right? Enough off. Enough off. Enough off. Enough for me to go home. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so my real question is, who was the placer of the poo? That's a very good question. I think it really matters. I can answer that without even knowing. Only one handles their own poo. Yes. And that's an old Korean proverb. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Only one. One does not handle others' poo. Insane. Okay? Right? Yes. There is no way that James Painter would be like, oh, I'm going to handle your poo to do this windshield wiper step, right? So it all comes from the mind of this gentleman to my left. Yeah. So you not only supplied the poo, you did the actual crime. Let me retort. Floor is yours. You can rebut. Do you think I believe in honor? Not really. Oh, no. Honor has nothing to do with it. Oh, yes, it does. And when my friend makes a vow to shit on someone's car, that vow matters, and he must be the shit. The shitter. If not the shitty, the shitter. He must place. Oh, he must place. Right. I hand him back. So there's an old movie called Yo Himbo. Yo Himbo, yeah. Okay. And he's a Ronin samurai, right? He goes into town, and he plays both sides, because there's a town that's at war. I'm Yo Himbo. Yeah, you're Yo Himbo. Yeah, you're a Ronin. I'm going to watch it now. Right? Yeah. And he's trying to play both sides, but what ends up happening is both sides catch on. Yes. And they both go again, and that didn't happen in this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, though. But he is playing Yo Himbo right now. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Can I call? Can you use the movie reference? Yes. Go ahead. It's from The Accused. Okay. Okay. I'd like to call in another exhibit. Okay, go ahead. Please. Exhibit B for me. Okay, go ahead. Wait, wait. Okay. Okay. So he's the placer of the poo. Well, this is what's in dispute. We don't know who's the placer of the poo. In this moment, we are. Oh, you know. Oh, we know. Hey, Bobby, I do, but I'm going to let a defense happen. Okay. Oh, he is going to make something out of cardboard. So we had the top of a paper, you know those paper boxes with, like, all the papers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And for, like, printers. Yeah. So the top side was rectangle, and we took one of those off, and I gave my bag of poop to Jim. Yeah, yeah. You look like a boy. He also had a lot of pimples. Yeah, yeah, okay. And I gave him what became a spatula of sorts, and I said, here you go. That's why I heard spatula. It was a handmade. Spackle, spackle. Yeah, but I heard spatula in my head because obviously I'm going to investigate after a crime. Of course. Because, you know, I have that fucking gene. It's your right. The FBI gene. Yeah, it's your right. So I need to investigate, right? So I heard spatula, and I remember bag. Okay. I didn't know it was a plastic or paper. I handed it to him to let him have his honor or his revenge, and he. in. into the handles. Oh. Into the handles. Okay, but who. And then. Windshield. Windshield. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, you did windshield. I heard you did. I heard you. Okay, I'll be honest. I don't remember. I don't remember. Yeah, yeah, I heard you did windshield. I definitely suggested windshield. No, no, no. I definitely said that's not enough. You did windshield, dude. I definitely said that's not enough because what did you get to the passenger side? You did windshield. Yeah, I believe it. Through rumor and through witness and through investigation through my FBI techniques. I don't know enough to deny that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't know enough to deny that. I heard in charge of windshield was Captain Shafir. There is a cleverness involved with that. Yeah. It's very calculated. It's calculated. It's the plant of the tiny poop to get to the bigger poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now what I have to do, Judge, okay, is I have to drive down Sunset Boulevard. 2 a.m.? 2 a.m. And it's dark. It's black. There's nothing. - How can you even see? - You can't barely see, you can barely look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I could have died. Yeah. No, no. But I'm now rushing to a 7-Eleven. It's like you're in a snowstorm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A mud storm. Yeah. A mud storm. Yeah. A stormy mud storm. Pompeii. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the lava. Like the movie Volcano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a disaster movie. It's a disaster movie, okay? I'm driving to the nearest on sunset, right? 7-Eleven, okay? Yeah. I pull in. This probably isn't their first rodeo, honestly. What? 7-Eleven? 7-Eleven. 2 a.m.? Yeah, well, 2 a.m., this happens a lot. Another shit windshield. 7-Eleven's not great. So I go in, and I grab all their paper towels. I buy all their Windexes and all the things I need to use. Whatever was available there at the time. The little bottles that they have. And I walk up to a homeless person, and I go, Yo, if I give you $20, can you wipe all the poo that's on my front window? You had to tell them it was poo? You could tell them. Why surprise them? Everyone knew it was poo. Why surprise them? Why he's down here? Did you even have to say human or dog? No, I didn't have to get specific, you know what I mean? $20, he must have been like. No, he was like, nah, dog. What? No, he goes, nah, dog, $100 for that. Equivalent, by the way, today to $200 probably. Exactly. But also, but equivalent in homeless to $20,000. Yes. Okay, I don't know about those stats. Fair, fair, fair. Inflation, I know there's inflation involved and all that stuff. I was not the judge. But that's not, you know what I mean? I don't think that should be in play. It's fair. Right? But I spent $100 back then money. That's a lot. To get a homeless human being, right? To clean my windshield. Yeah. He did a very good job, by the way. I think it's generous, too. Very generous, right? Yeah. And he said something like, man, that sucked. Or something like that. And me, I apologize. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for doing it, right? I went home and I started saving my cum. Oh, we're going to the next thing. Okay. Okay. Interesting. Now, is this something you do not know about, Counselor? The cum? Or what's this reaction? You definitely know about this. What? We know about this. So you don't think pee equals poo, but poo equals cum? I didn't know what the next level was, but I was not going to lose this war. What? Yeah. Yeah. For months, I was saving my cum. How? That sentence is wild. In a freezer. In an ice cube tray. And so how many trays did you have in your freezer? It took me only two little compartments to fill those up. I do not. Yeah, yeah. Two little compartments to fill. If you have an ice tray and there's like 16 little cubes in there to make an ice cube, I filled two cubes. That's two months worth of ejaculate. Two trays? What? Two trays? Not trays, just two little squares. Two cubes. Two cubes. So is one cube one ejaculate? One full? No, no, no. That's like a quarter of ejaculate. I would freeze it. And ejaculate in the same. It's a layer. Cum ice? Yeah. What? Cum ice? Cum ice. Cum ice. It's a cum ice. Cum cube. And then the calculation, and this is where I knew this would be difficult to pull off. I was going to put it in one of your drinks and one of James' drinks. Right? And then. I'd do like a toast to peace. Yeah, a toast to peace. Yeah, yeah. You would drink my cum, and I would say, you just drank my cum. Yeah. Yeah. So. But in my mind. And this is where my morality and my ethics kicked in. There it is. I said, I should end this war. I think Pooh won. Wait, hold on. Ethics and morality or fear of another one-upping? What would be the one-upping after cum? I think the emotions would have to guide me. The emotions. On that. What do you mean? What do you mean? I think. I mean, feel that. Okay. Right? I mean, when you told me you did that, immediately I'm like, that's for me. I'm filming. I almost cried. Yeah, I'm filming. I think Pooh. Pooh. Hold on. You just heard about this right now, or you've heard about. The tray, yeah. I'm just hearing about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were to drink the cube, some of the cube, it would have melted definitely into the. It would have been. Some would have melted already, and then you'd be like, no, I didn't. They're like, well, look at the melting ice cube in there. One's clear, and one's not clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see the difference between ice and cum ice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Water ice and cum ice? You see how it's shaped different? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, no way. And that was a couple more. Yeah. There would be a consistency of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what the consistency of unfrozen cum is. It'd be challenging. Yeah, yeah, it'd be challenging. Yeah, I'd accept that this might. Yeah, what would that. Now, what was the next level of that? That's what the fear is, and that's the equation, is what happens after the cum. I think pubes, or is that not. No, no, that's less. That's less. Yeah, yeah. I eat that now. That's less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say blood. Pubes are gross because it's been near your cum. I'll tell you where my mind went. I don't know if this would be it, but my first thought, I'm going to fuck your mom. Oh! Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. But, like, that's a hard pull. That's a hard pull, yeah. It's hard. She doesn't like, you know? She doesn't like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she lives far away. Lives far away, yeah. And have gas money. Yeah. But it all starts from a gay hug, and it ended with gay cum. It ended before the gay cum. Yeah, it ended before gay cum. But it. And I'm not gay. So you would jerk off. Yeah, and on top of that, my cum is not gay. Like, you would. But you wouldn't. You wanted someone to drink your cum. What? But you wanted someone to drink your cum. I did. If it becomes gay, what am I going to do? Let me ask you this. After poo, what is it, then? It's cum. And then what's after cum? Cum is a nuclear warhead. It's a nuclear bomb. Yeah, you're right about that. That's the nuke. Yeah, I think that's the nuke. War is over. And the war is over. That's a WMV. Yeah. Because also, nobody wants to just go, now I'm going to make you eat cum. That's like. That is equalized. Yeah. Equalized is nothing. And you also create global escalation. You can't. If you do. Am I not right? If you cum cube me, I can't just cum cube you back. No. Right? No, no, no. No, you have to go further. Yeah, you have to go further. And I don't think there is anything further in the realm of what we're doing here. May I call into witness something? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Before, when he said P should equal P, and I said, no, you have to one-up it, and he denied it, he just said cum should go more than cum as a retaliation out of his own mouth. What'd I say? He's using your words against you. He basically said that your eye for an eye thing that you said earlier, you just negated it by even trying to come into the. Ice tray. That's his argument. That was pretty slick. And I have a question. I still don't get it. But Bobby didn't do it. Bobby didn't do it. But he didn't do it. He didn't do it because he felt that way. So, okay. But he. Negated. Was gonna do it. I was doing it. And knew that I would have had to do something even more. I. Because I'm a philosophical man. Yeah. Filipino. As everybody who jacks off. Yeah, Filipino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not ride this escalator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're philosophical as everybody who jacks off. And I thought to myself, I couldn't figure out what the next level was. So I stopped at what I was doing. Right? Because I was too afraid. Of what? Because the next level could be violence. Like a real violence. It could be violence. Which in turn. Which in turn. There was. Happened anyway. There was. And I was like, and this is for the country. And knowing what I knew then, I didn't know this information, that he can get violent physically. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Because the violence happened afterwards. It's reminding me of that Faces song. What? Wish that I knew what I know now. Oh, yeah. I knew what I know now. I think that's what he meant. Yeah, right. But anyway, so what is the judge's. Who's guilty? Bobby or Ari? Who's guilty? For this entire escalation. Is that a fair proposition? Yeah, what's the charge exactly? I don't understand. The charge is that this is all. Who's at fault? Who's at fault? But the cause and effect, he was molested. We're not. We're starting at the gym painter. That guy was just attracted to a hot guy. Now, you can't blame that guy. Who is to blame? Okay. Maybe this is a question. Maybe this is a question that we're asking. Who is to blame for the poop on Bobby's car? Is it Bobby or is it Ari? Okay, okay, okay. Oh, if you frame it that way. Wait, hold on. I'm going to say Ari. We're not framing it that way. I'm a. Who's responsible for this thing? The whole fiasco. Yeah. Can I pause right here before you give an answer? James Painter. Can I do a promo? Please. Right here. Oh, yeah, go ahead. I have a new storytelling show out with stories like this. And that's why we did this. That nice 23 comedians telling stories just like this. Yeah. The highest level comedians who had the harshest past. Yes. In fact. Yeah. You never asked me to do this. You did. This is not happening. Oh, yeah. And I did ask you to do this. I know you did. And you said no response. Yeah, no response. No response. Oh, that's so cool. Great. You would have been right there over the T. You would have replaced Nate Bargatze. Okay, good. So what. You would have replaced. You would have replaced all the. So what a lineup. And where does one see this? RUShafeer.com. You can get it. Yeah, get it. Each episode's five bucks or you get them all for a discount. Yeah. Amazing. That's awesome. Congratulations. Amazing. Thank you. Yeah. How many people are in one episode? About three to five. Okay, good. Yeah. I'll do the next one. There'll be a next one. Yeah, I'll do the next one. There's not going to be another one? I might have just been finished it off. Okay. Anyway. What a great lineup. Yeah. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze. You should have done the poop story on this. Yeah. I've done the poop story on my old show, This Is Not Happening, that has zero relation to this show whatsoever. That was a storytelling show featuring comedians at a strip club. This is hosted by Ari Shaffir. This is Ari Shaffir hosting a storytelling show at a burlesque club featuring comedians. Completely different. Yeah. Anyway, check that out. So let's go back to. Okay, so now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the recess. Sorry. Who's to blame for the whole fiasco? It's sort of how we're framing it. Fiasco. Yeah. Okay. Let's go one by one here. I guess I'm going to start with Cat Bird. No, start with George. Oh, you want me to start with George? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is interesting. The defendant is ruling the judge. Wow. Sort of a Saddam Hussein on trial situation. Can I present something? You've done a great job so far. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. All right. Let's start with George. George. I think throw the whole case out. Everybody got what they deserved, and it was perfect. Unacceptable answer. You have to pick one. Yeah, you have to pick. Ari or Bobby? Interesting. Who is the cause? Yeah. Who is the cause? What's the exact question? Yeah, what is it? Yeah, give me the exact question. I think the problem with the question is we're worried that we skew the jurors. Bobby had poop on his windshield. Whose fault was that? How did it get there? There's also Jim Payton, by the way, who put it on there. And I got there through comedy. But also, was this not comedy? It kind of was. The windshield wipers? It's an assault. Because there were no witnesses to the comedy event, so therefore, hence, negate. Call us if you have a question. Yeah, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're pulling a prank, ideally, you want to be there for the payoff. Yes. Yeah. Oh. The next morning, I was asleep when this happened. I wasn't there for the payoff. Yeah. Sometimes you just have to hope that it happens, trust that it happens. Woke up to a answering machine message. Yeah. Back then, we had an answering machine. Yeah. I had missed a call. Yeah. Please leave a message. And the call was this. Let me do it. Okay. Yeah. Oi. I'm Ari Shaffir. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you were doing you. Oh, that's how it was? You do me, I'll do you. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my back, my back. My back. Oi, Shaff, oi, Shaff, my back. My back, my back. Leave a message. Boop. Ari, I know it was you. Now, this, I'm finding out, is in between the handle and the, I know it was you. I could see the pieces of pastrami. It could only be you. I'm so mad at you right now. And right then, he's saying, I'm so mad at you right now. And I will, and then this happened. And on the phone call, he's going, and I, Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo! Woo! He's discovering it on the phone with you? Yes, yes. Woo! Woo! Yeah, yes. It's in Oldboy? It's when he realizes. Yeah, yeah, when he realizes the horror. A breaking. When he realizes. When he realizes the horror. All right, so with that in play, that didn't help you. What was that for? I know, but that didn't help you. All right, so now, with that in play, George. I won't go so quick. Let's get this over with. It's way too long. Ari's fault the whole way through. Thank you so much. And Gilbert, please. Actually, I like this. Who's in charge of this whole fiasco of comedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ari. It was hilarious. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. You've changed the charge, but I'll take it. Alex? I think you started all of it, Bobby. There you go. One for Bobby. You needed that. The dissenting view. We have one more vote left. Yeah, Kat? I'm going to go with. I would never have noticed your pimple, by the way. Yeah. That was Bobby called. Bobby, because I'm going to go with Ari, because Bobby is taking me on the road this time. Wait, we have a biased jury. Wow. Wow, yeah, yeah. Wow. And Judge, what's your final verdict? It's a tough one. How is it tough? What's a jury? What's a jury? Three to one. We have a biased jury. It's a difficult situation. It's a prank. It went awry. There was comedy involved. I found the situation deeply human. Mm-hmm. As human. By the way, as human as a one-state solution, which I believe is the only answer. Yeah, yeah. With all equal rights for everybody? Yeah. All equal rights for everybody, of course. Okay, all right. Side note. Okay. I also want to say. West Bank is best. Yeah, yeah. West Bank is best. I also want to say, Devontre, other people can also go on the road with me. I don't like that. You're using violence. No, I'm not using violence. I'm just saying. I'm giving you hypotheticals. He's buttering me up, and I don't like that. It's Exhibit C. It's Exhibit C. Exhibit C is that, you know what I mean? There's so many people that have been asking me, please may I open? Okay, okay, okay. All right, so what I'm saying is. Let's have a ruling. We shouldn't let this go. I'll take back Palestinian freedom. He takes back Devontre. Yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. Because I thought about this. It really is. It's hard. He has real nose. He has a lot of pages of nose. Just do it, man. This is a two-hour podcast. Other guests coming. I'm so hungry. I'm dying right now. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. This is on you. Hold on. Until the windshield wiper. In the moment that the windshield wiper went off, I have to blame it on Ari because it escalated to a place that it didn't need to. A double escalation. It was a double escalation. Double escalation. Like a double tap on a school. Like a double homicide. I'm blaming Ari. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I opened for you. It's the windshield wiper. Thank you so much. There's a maliciousness there that is no longer funny. You're pretty fucking hilarious. All right. Give Ari a round of applause. Thank you. Thank you. And I also have a special on Netflix. Let's go. I just want to let everyone know that we ended the podcast, but then now, you know, after our podcast is done, there's mingling that occurs and there's new information that arises. We're friends in real life, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is a new piece of information that we can probably put on Patreon, right? That is very interesting to me. All right. So after. The incident occurred, and this is probably during the Ice Cube incident that I pulled back on, right? I can't believe. What happened? That you. Okay, anyway, what happened? Okay, so Duncan Trussell, comedian, at the time was the talent coordinator at the comedy He was the guy that booked the acts at the store. Yeah, which really is just taking notes from Mitzi. We were talking about how there's no repercussions, and I was like, oh, yeah, oh. Okay. So Duncan said on his own, Mitzi found out about this, and she was very. She was very upset and wants answers. Mitzi never heard about it. Okay. Duncan just. I would argue, though, that she did. What? Because it is something where I would say to Mitzi, because I had a direct line to her. Yeah. about like. Hey, this guy. Yeah, yeah, this guy just shit on my car. I don't think he did, because when I was punching him, he didn't even call her. Oh, that's right. So. Good point. Yeah, okay. Good point. Okay, so continue. So he goes, we want an answer to this. And Jim wrote a note, a letter, to Mitzi through Duncan. He said, please give this to Mitzi as my explanation. Okay. Again, now, Mitzi never heard about this in any way. Yeah. The only reason I know about the note is because it didn't get to Mitzi. And the note said, I wanted to leave that night. He just ratted me. Ari wouldn't let me. Oh, no. As if he's a fucking nine-year-old. As if he's not a human-grown adult with his own. Sure, okay. Freedom. And he goes, Ari wouldn't let me. We shit in a bag. Ari then put the shit on the car. Now, listen, I'll give you a we shit. A we put the shit on the car. But I believe I shitted it and gave it to him, and then he put it. But now, the reason why the information that I knew was because of the letter. Because of the letter. But that was him lying to get out of stuff. I see. Because he's acting like he didn't do anything in this. Because I get it. He might get in trouble in this situation and have to really, like, not get spots. Okay. Okay. So he's. He's trying to save his own ass. Yeah. And he gave that letter to Mitzi, but to Duncan through Mitzi. Duncan, at that point, called me and goes, I got a letter you got to see. Okay, here we go. Yeah. And he gave me the letter. Yeah. And I said, well, don't tell him that I got this. Yeah, yeah. What's going on? I have this. I don't know. They called me back. Oh, they did? Yeah, they got new info. Yeah, yeah. That was new information. Go real quick. The setup is this, okay? Yeah. Let me just reiterate it really quickly. Just real quick, because you missed it, right? I'm so hungry. I know you are. I know. I understand that, but you have to. You're very important to this, okay? Here's the thing, okay? And I'll give you money to eat. He's known for that. Yeah, yeah. My wallet upstairs. Just wait, okay? So here's some chips for you, and they're called. I don't know. Anyway, so real quick, right? Duncan Trussell used to be the talent coordinator of the comedy store, right? He calls Ari and goes, Mitzi. Calls Jim. What? Calls Jim. Oh, you just said that. But, I mean, it wasn't me. He called Jim. He didn't call me. Right, he called Jim and goes, Mitzi found out about this, and she's really mad about it, right? And so what Jim Painter did. He wants to know what happened. Yeah, what Jim Painter did is write Mitzi a letter that Mitzi didn't even know about. She didn't know about the poo, but there was some trickery happening on Duncan Trussell's part. He just wanted to hear about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that it? He just wanted to keep it going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's stirring the pot. I get it, stirring the pot. I also have to say this, though, real quick, too, is that I had a very close relationship with Duncan Trussell, right? So there's communications going on with him as well. So Jim wrote a note saying, I didn't want to leave, Ari wouldn't let me. I wanted to leave, Ari wouldn't let me. He forced me to do it. He shit in a bag. He put the shit on the car. He might have said we put the shit on the car. But that's why I think it was him, because he was lying. He was ratting on me. Yeah. He was lying to get himself out of trouble. Which, now, if you think about it, - Mm-hmm. - He's a rat. - He's a rat. - Right? - And so the pee makes more sense. - That you're saying it's just a rat. - You peed on a rat, you peed on a rat's car. - I instinctually can see a rat. - You can see a rat. - Yeah. - Yeah, and I can feel a rat, right? And what does one do when you see a rat? - You pee on their car? - You pee on their car, you pee on their car. - Poison them. - You poison them with piss. - Yeah, you poison them, yeah, yeah. - So Duncan shows me the letter. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mitzi never gets involved, but Jim thinks Mitzi's involved. He's like, I gotta save my own skin. We've all been there, Young Comic, you do what you gotta do. - Yeah. - So Duncan gives it to me and I was like, print that out and let me have it. - Yeah. - And I saved it. - You saved the letter. - I saved the letter. - You still have the letter. - Do you have it with you right now? - Not right now. - Okay. - I will have a letter of it. - But I don't want a doctored letter. - Oh, no, no, no. If I have a picture, I got a picture. I can look and maybe. - Wow. - Okay, wow. - I saved it 'cause here's the reason I saved it. - Why? - Because I printed out two copies. A year later, now you're a rat, which is the number one thing I've ever done in my life. - 100%. - I am a rat. - So we're going to La Jolla. - You and James. - Me and James. Rick Ingram. - Yeah. - We had those, you know, you go Wednesday and stay Wednesday night, and Thursday, stay at the condo. - Of course, yeah. - So we did that. We had a great time. We had a blast. - Yeah. - I arranged the lineup that night. - Yeah. - So that of the three of us, we're gonna head back Thursday night. We're all broke. Of the three of us, Jim would be the last one on of the LA comics. - Okay. - Rick Ingram gets off stage. I was already on. Rick gets off stage. - Can I just say this too, right? At the time, Rick Ingram was still almost unfollowable. - Really? - Yeah. There was a host though, but yes. - He's very funny. - Yeah, yeah, he's crushing crowd work. Just fine. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But anyway, Rick gets off. He's like, "I gotta thank everybody." You know, he just gets off. They bring on Jim. I gave a note to the bouncer there, the door guy. - Yeah. - And I said, "Hand this to Jim when he gets off." And it's that letter. Fold it up with a red lettering on it that says, "Rat." - Wow. - It was a year later. - Oh. - Wow. And then I told Rick, I'm like, "We're leaving. "You can come with me or you can stay here. "I don't care." - Dude, that's incredible. - On the way home. - He just left. - And Rick's like, "What, what, what?" - Yeah, yeah. - Wait, before he got on and did this or after? - He's on stage now. He'll be on for seven more minutes. The door guy's like, "Present this to Jim when he gets off." - Yeah. - And then we're in the car and we're going. - Yeah. - Rick's like, "I'll go, but can you tell me when?" I'm like, "On the five, I'll tell you." - Yeah. I presume there are two rats in this story. - Oh, the plot thickens. I believe, and I hope this doesn't interfere with our relationship, right? But I think you are as well a rat. - In what way? - Ooh. - In the way of like, you pushed him on to you doing the- - No, rat means telling on. - It does? - I'm a dirt bag. I'm not a rat. - A snake, maybe. - Oh, you're a snake. You're a snake. All right. - Snake and rats are different. - I'm sorry. I'm not a rat. I'm not a rat. - You're a snake. You're not a rat. - Wrong you. - Wrong you. - Yeah, he's a rat. You're a snake. - Yeah. - What am I? - What? - You're a worm. - I'm a worm. - You're a worm. - I'm a worm. - It's worms and snakes. - Yeah. What do worms do? - I'm a worm. - Maybe you're like a cockroach. - I'm a cockroach worm. - Because you never die. - I never die. - Yeah, okay. - I survive. - Survive. - Yeah, yeah. I'm a survivor. - Went on. - I'll go on and on and on. - So we left. And then Jim got off stage. Same thing. Hey, all right, everybody. Hey. And then the door guy's like, here. He goes, what's this? And he's like, rat. And then he opens it up and it says, dear Mitzi. - Oh, wow. - Oh, wow. - I need to tell you, explain to you what happened. He goes, hey, where's Ari? And they go, Ari's gone. And he goes, and he read the whole thing. And he's like, where's Ari? - He has no ride back to LA. He's in San Diego. - Wow. - Wow. - No money. - Yeah. - So we arrived back at the Comedy Store. - Yes. - With about an hour and 50 minutes. We get right back there. - Yes. - We're hanging out in the parking lot. - Yeah. - And then we're talking, Freddy's there. A bunch of people are there. The manager comes out about 20 minutes after I got there and goes, hey, I just got a call from La Jolla. Did you leave Jim Painter there? Didn't even tell anyone. - Yeah. - And everyone's like, what? I'm like, rats get what rats get. - And that's so true. So true. - Where is he? - It's a rat. - It's a rat. - The question is, where is this guy now? - He comes on Monday sometimes. - Does he really? - Wait, is he the? - I swear to God. - Tell him I said hi. - Is he the ha-ha? - Is he? - We're not gonna do that. - Is he ha-ha? - I don't know. - He influenced more of us more than almost anybody. - He was so funny. - And he had to make the same decision you had to make. He goes, well, I want to get Ari back now. And then he had the same realization he told me later. - There is no. - And then what'll happen? And he goes, I'm not equipped for this ongoing fight. - Was he also coming? - And he goes, I'm gonna let it die. - But it's also the resilience of the Jew. - Oh, in that way, I'm flubbed with that. - I think that's the moral of the story. I think that's the moral of the story. - The resilience of the Jew. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And that's it. - Yeah, he never did it again. - People start saying it was a year to the day. It wasn't. - Yeah, I think you're a Mossad agent, Dan. - I mean. - I saved that letter for so long. And I'm like, I know what I'm gonna do with it. I just have to figure out the time. We were headed down once and then Mitzi was coming. - Because the discipline to wait a year, you know what I mean, shows conniving. - Crazy discipline. - Yes. - Discipline. - One time we were headed down there with Jim, but Mitzi was going that day and was like, can't do it. 'Cause she. - Oh, right, right, right. - Can't hide away. - I'll send her a photo of him if she remembers him. He comes around on Mondays. I've seen him before. This is a kind of, it's not the greatest photo, but it's all that pops up. - Wow. - But there is this. - He does this thing now when he, he's a lot older. - Yeah. - He's a lot older. - And he does this thing now after every punchline, he goes. - Yeah. - Oh, I see, okay. - So now I just. - He has a hook. - Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Hamburger. - He's working. - Hamburger. - He's working. - Yeah. - Working it out on burgers. - He's working it out, okay. - Well, God bless him. - Yeah. - There's no animosity, pure peace. - He got his. - Yeah, yeah. - Can I ask you a question, Ari? - Yeah. - If you had the cum ice cubes. - Hey, don't spray it. - If you had the cum ice cubes, would you have the foresight to be like, this is too much? Or would you have done the cum? - If I had a tray of two cubes of ice cube? - Yeah. - Oh, interesting. Had she been, he said, had you been in Bobby's place? - And I had gone, and it wasn't just like, I thought I'll do it, but I had been in Bobby's place. I'd been doing it, and I'd say, so that's work wasted if you don't use it. - Sure. - Two months. - Yeah. - So you were coming on top of frozen cubes at some point. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - The layer cake. - You're a fucking lunatic. - It's probably like when you freeze Jell-O. - Would I have used. - I was so mad. - I believe I might have. It depends, but I also might have been like, they're gonna, I might have thought, yeah, you were mad. - 'Cause if I drank your cube. - Yeah, what would you have done? You were ready to stop it, poop on the window. - No, I would have gone to Mitzi. - Yeah. - You'd be like, I don't want to live like this. This is not how it is. - Yeah, I can't, I'm gonna go to Laugh Actor Improv. I think I had that weight. - I can't be here anymore, I'm telling you why. - Yeah, I can't be, yeah, yeah. And I think that there'd be a regional effect. - But you wouldn't have been afraid of the next step, would you? - Yeah, no, I would have to have been afraid. - Yeah. - You have to end it. - You have to end it peacefully. - Yeah.