Ari Shaffir Returns!

What's happening? You bad motherfuckers. It's a church of what's happening now. What is it? New Testament. New Testament. It's Monday 420. So if you got them, spark them. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful day to be alive. We got my man, Ari, Shafir, the world fucking traveler. But I haven't seen you in so long. I know. We got little Kato, the Jewish fucking bomb of debt. What? The bomb of death. That's another new tour, bro, what I call that Yahoo's Hitman. Ooh, I like it. Oh, we're going to go that tour would sell the Hitman tour. I want to do it. Netanyahu's Hitman. We're going to leave out one market, but me and three Jews. I like it. I like it. The protest will sell us. We could do a reeners. You would like to get protested? Yeah. Then people know I'm making money. As long as it works out, a lot of years at this place. You got listen, all I know is this and George was there with me 70, 81, whatever, 87, 88, Brian Bosworth was the most hated man in the world. Right. And he got those fucking masks. When you went to a stadium, you bought $10 for this mass. It said, Hey, Bosworth or his face or whatever. One day, one of the announces goes, Look at these people. They all have the Bosworth. Like we hate you. Yeah. But Bosworth owned the company. Right. But it times were different. That's really different. They're selling tickets. They're making all the announcements on all the blogs. I could join DS performing. We got to get down there. Where and when 7 30 PM on Friday, you're organizing the protest. Yeah, we're going to get. Joe is in town. We're going to get fucking and that's exciting. People then we'll do the show on the park. That's right. We're just the shows been canceled. Fuck it. Refunds, but we're doing it in the park. And then one day a lot of that shit in the park and then CBS talks in some lady from I'm here with net. Yeah, who's hit man. I don't know what that is. That's a fucking prize act. That is a great name for it. That's a fucking great door. Net. Yeah. The place will open the doors free tickets. And no way we're going to not self-tickets. We're not going to get boycott it. It's freedom of speech. People could do whatever the fuck they want. It's the people understand the abortion people, right? Those chubby ladies that already had three abortions. Now they got to move on to hate. They go on from abortions to hating Jews. We'll give out free abortions. We'll get them off. Last week I saw that fucking thing in Washington. They hated everybody. Oh, what? I saw this. I'm leaving Thompson. Yeah. And you don't got to walk up to the to the sixth street and make a left. All right. And as I'm starting to walk I got the edibles and me and shit. And I'm here in pocket. You can get there. I'm telling guitars. Everything's off to. Everything's off to. And I look up and it's coming down that hill. Just fucking boom, boom, bomb drums. Bunch of dirty white people. 50 60 of them at tops. They didn't even have that much support. It was, but it was funny because they had a big banner. Israel must be bombed. Stop the bombing and I ran. They're still talking about Palestine. They hate Cubans. They know he gives a fuck about Ukraine anymore. It wasn't. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's done. It's so many things. It's not me. It's Ukraine. It's Ukraine. It's just, it's just our society. We just go from week to week. What's popular? Weak look. You have not heard of that fucking guns mother. She's dead. All right. Dead. I told you this six weeks ago on this fucking podcast that they made you the mom was missing dead. And nobody gives a fuck every once in a while on world news. They get like, oh, an amazing, whatever. I'm a man. They got to they found like a paper bag. Listen, she's dead. What the fuck are you waiting on? Can you imagine being at home with a picture of your mom now? Listen, somebody's got to come over. Listen, it's over. Just pull the plug, go to social security, get your checks. She done eight weeks, nine weeks, 10 weeks, but she's going to walk right back. Oh, I missed the train. No, she dead. Some Mexicans got a fuck during the ass. She's probably in one of those waffles in Mexico. Yeah. Like those say, if you like 60 year olds, she's walking around all fucking. They got like the ones daughter in fucking in rainbow, the final fucking cow down. Wait, the young guy is going to have some old Mexican twat fucking thing is busted open. It looks like a fucking one of those coconuts on some of those umbrella mother fuckers in LA. Yeah. What do you think they do with these old people? I think I fucking. I don't even want to go. I never once thought they did that. Why? I never thought they brought them to brothels. Oh, man, brothels like old people don't want to fuck a young girl. That's a young girl. Yeah, there's fucking nine year olds that are dying to fuck a 60 year old. That fucking side of salami opens up. It looks like a fucking fucking missile from hidden in a fucking snatch. Those are upset. I let anymore. They got to go to the black market and the curtains drip after 50 to curtains drip. That noodle drips. Oh, it's like they took they took the ride out of the fucking curtain. The fucking thing like it don't work. Yeah. So it's a whole different avenue here. All balls drop. What do you think happens to that pussy? I never thought about it. It drops. Oh, ugly dragon. Like our balls drop. And it's cleaner than ever. It's one take it to 50. That pussy clean. It's no more condoms, no more Arab dick at the fucking 7/11. It's just straight up. Martin condoms good. Huh? Aren't condoms. No, because they know what you're inside the monkey. They they they fuck a monkey up. You go down on the girl and it smells like a condom. And you're like, where is she? Where the fuck? What come home does she have? I remember condom. What the fuck is this shit? Oh my God. What else was going on? I know your story telling show came my last week. Like a motherfucker. So I do it all my shit myself. Again, as always. Yeah. Nothing changes. Yeah. I don't know. Back in America. Just just found out about this lady. Kathy Giffords mom. Oh, you just found out legitimately right now. Good for you. It don't matter. Yeah. She was like, what? Dead. I didn't know she was alive. No, she dead. I thought she was alive just as I'm finding out she's dead. And we're all going to find out what really happened. Gutty came home. She caught a suck on a dick. Something happened. Don't bother stabbed her in the neck. And she's on TV with the picture of the old hag. Give me a fucking break. Okay. She got a lock up in the basement. Come on. Listen. I'm 63. I've told every story. Yeah. And I've heard every story. So as soon as you hear it, you just this is the same. It's hard to disappear now. Like isn't it crazy? Like it just was so crazy. It's so crazy. How people fucking disappear. This is what I've always thought about because I recently agree with me. Okay. And no disrespect to nobody in this fucking planet. Let's talk about the Italian mom. The biggest bunch of dummies you ever saw in your fucking life. Okay. All right. Because I know you hate this shit too. Okay. They were burying bodies and nobody ever caught them. So they started writing on each other. And it's right out here in Seacork is a little lie. You put them in there. You fucking burying who's going to I got a place in Seacork because I could drop 10 motherfuckers all. And then I'm going to find you because nobody goes nose bushes. If you go on those bushes to bring a body, you're going to get bit by something. It's like law and order. The first two minutes is like third central park. Go further out. You're a fucking idiot. If you go further out, but you killed them in central parks. You can't see you putting up a stick on your neck. I'm going to hug some room. You know, but let the tie take it. You think about that. And people get caught all the time now with stupid shit. Sammy the bull. I don't know how many people he buried. Take your cell phone with you. Mistake. Take the cell phone out of this pocket, bury him alive. You got to make sure they don't come out of that grave. That's why they shot that dude in good for Jimmy Jimmy. Bob, Bob, Bob. They shot him like a fucking time. Oh, they stabbed them too. Yeah, they put them a loop on. They don't want to come back. I know you got to do his stab. Bro, this is why I love narcos. Narcos blew it open with the violence. The episode in Mexico, episode two. When season two, the fucking government goes after one of the families and the two guys, the two little short guys on the show are like fucking, we're killing the government. And then he set up a fucking bash. That was brilliant. And the government came. He had a wedding. And the government came and these two guys were there with guns out. The guy said, tell you fucking bulldogs and long guy pulled out of gun. He's like, listen, he goes today, you try to pull a move on me. You went to their house because the envelope was light and you shot their family. Well, today we gave you another light envelope. And let me tell you what happened. Again, you sent your bulldogs, but this time we're ready for them. And he goes specifically the guy that killed his family. He took them dog. He fucking hit him in the stomach with a crowbar, shot him in the knee and then threw him in the hole and just started throwing dirt on him. And you stabbed him one longer. So they really got it. That's it. And you just throw dirt. You bury him alive. The deep jungle. Why would you leave them alive? Because they ain't getting out of it. If I shoot you in the knee, you're not throwing out of that. Oh, you mean why? Why not just kill them? They can suffer what they did. You're not walking out of that. Really? You're going to. That's it. You got to be really mad at someone to bury him alive. - Yeah. - Gotta be extra mad. - And you wouldn't be anxious at all. I'm wondering if it's some like an ambulance drove by, like when you're going-- - I got used to do more mushrooms. - When you're going, you're going, okay? That's why I love that a movie everybody should watch, at least once, if they're into filmmaking, is the Godfather because there were so many little things that they got right. When Michael goes in that bathroom, he pulls the gun out. What do you hear? - I'm trying to train. - Let me tell you something. I was a George one day, right? And George told me where his neighbor lived, like kick the door down. When you kick the door down, all that's beautiful on TV. But when you kick the door down and you go in there, everything's heightened, bro. You go deaf. You adrenaline gets so high that you go deaf. At one point, you just hear "Bee!" And your heart's just going. Your heart's just going. The adrenaline's got you. You go deaf. During all those things, you go, I mean, like, you have C-fighters in the beginning. They don't need other fucking audience. - I couldn't run. - I was like, I couldn't hear anything. - No, they do chance for you. And you're like, I didn't know. Because your mind takes you somewhere. It's called a fight of flight, all right? But the same thing when you do a crime. If I got you in the trunk of my fucking car, and I got to drive you to C-Quarkestock, you know, that's gotta be anxiety like a motherfucker. And then I got to pull over, pick up your chubby US. Now you added a hundred pounds in water when you died. So it's me by myself pulling you. You land, I got to dig it. And then I got to leave you there. Dig, put some, 'cause you don't want to take somebody 'cause that's to do it with a secret. - Right. - So you got to dig it. You got to dig that fucking hole. Remember the good, you better dig them when they shot Spider. You better dig this fucking hole. So I just think about it. - You thought a lot about killing people. - Yeah. - My God. - You're a plant. - Oh, God. - I had to step that, that was a motherfucker. - That's a good question. - And I used to plant shit, like I do cold shit. - It's a good way to escape and to be like, how would I really do it? Let's just believe it. Like, how would I get rid of the body? How would I take them? - That's the truth. I mean, it's just, listen, I don't think I could chop a body up. Okay, like those animals in Brooklyn did the Domeo crew. I can't chop a body up. So what are your other options? - Take them to the woods. - Listen man, trunk. If somebody did something really bad to you. - Cut you off and try. - They rape your sister. - Of course. - They touch, they touch Janice. - Something that. - Of course, never gonna solve that problem. - Yeah, they're gonna give the guy time, but the damage that that motherfucker did to your child or your wife or your cousin, and not what? - Yeah, not what. - So now you gotta time yourself. You gotta give yourself a three year window. And drive by his house once a year and throw a fire bomb. Just to remind them and then one day on the way to work, just scoop them up, shoot them. And the guy was involved in all those people involved in other shit. So you're not really gonna be looked for three years later. - You think it'll be like someone else might have done it. - He was involved in drug being when anything could have happened. - Anything could have happened. He was involved in drug dealing. Whatever the fuck he was involved in, it's scary. And Doug, I was at a point in my life where in 1994 to '95, I even had '93 that. To tail in the '93, all '94 and a half '95, I went to sleep thinking about murdering somebody. And that's not a good situation. And I remember one day I just broke down because of what I was carrying. I wanted to kill this bitch. I wanted to slice a tongue out. I was gonna tie it to a tree and rub it with honey. - The eggs? - Yeah, because the bears get you in Colorado. There's no fingerprints, there's no DNA. Like I said last night on stage. They leave an elbow and the elbow don't got a vent on it. So they just throw it back, ooh, they just throw it back. Nice and chewed, you know, it's just a, and I know there's people that relate to this. They got a bar staff fuck with them. Didn't they make a movie about an assistant beating up this agent? Remember, he tied them up the fact. - Oh yeah. - Yeah. - Oh yeah, Kevin Spacey. - Kevin Spacey, you know what I'm saying? - He's swimming in the sharks. - Yeah. - Swimming in the sharks. Man, what a good movie that was. - Oh, people. - Oh. - I have, I've had different dreams. - Before we move. - Like I have people I want to punch. But then there's people, like if, let's say everything in your life that could possibly go wrong or wrong, you're gonna kill yourself. I have like, then I'm on my way out. I'm getting a couple people. - There's people I want to kill. - There's people I just want to main. - Oh. - So they live a fucked up life after I get my job done. - I've just cut their brains here. - It's one guy specific that I dream about catching him in a city and fucking piping him, shooting him in both kneecaps, shooting him in a hand, like Jesus, we can have a whistle. And then pull out a high caliber gun and just blow off his other fucking hand. But being a fucking thief. I think about that motherfucker all the time. - Yeah, it's blowing off his hand with a high caliber, putting it back, pulling out a fucking 32 or a 45 and blasting holes in his kneecap, both his hands like Jesus, and then put the gun in his fucking eye and tell him, you miserable fuck. And you take him to a state of fucking Gandhi. - Like a man on a fire style. - Then you spit on him and walk away. - Live with it. - And that motherfucker breaks down. You just break down as you, that's it. That was your spiritual. I'll never do that again. - I want to kill people's relatives to get back at them. - Yeah, what? - I want to kill people's loved ones. You know, loved ones. - Yeah, take away what's closest to them. Kill their daughter in front of them. Kill their wife in front of them. She'll like that, or really hurt them. - And you do this. - And then push them off a cliff. - Well, I wanted to kill my wife. He was a scenario if I'd broken into the house. - Okay. - I was gonna tie him up, stab him a little bit, cut him up a little bit so he could bleed. Like just not stab, but cut. And then while he's alive, just cut his fucking dick off. Right in front of him, putting his fucking mouth while the dick is still shaking. Like a Lena Bobbitt, 93 is fucking around like a fish. That dick is still bopping right and put it right in his fucking mouth and shoot him in the head. Then have a long talk with her. And you know where the next bullet goes? Right in a dirty snatch. And then right in her fucking head, like a cooped a tour. Whatever they call that, the cooped a la, whatever. - The cooped a la. - I should shoot somebody in the head. - The cooped a la, there we go. - Yeah, there's cooped a la. Whatever the fuck is. - The cooped a la. - And just walk out. That was my dream. But I didn't want to kill her in the house because I would have dropped DNA. I'm Cuban. I got the Cuban dust, the whole thing. - You don't think DNA goes outside? - So I wanted to grab her. It was Colorado. I wanted to grab her in older or something like that. And listen, they never caught John Bonet killers. John Bonet, it's Ramsey's killer. They would have never caught me because Fold is not prepared for that. - You wait till they're on a hike. Even if they would have arrested me on a fucking, 'cause they thought it was me, as long as my hands were clean, and that weapon was done. And I had a guy in Colorado that was like, if I give him a gun, he ain't gonna have no question. He knows exactly what to do with it. They knew exactly what to do with that gun. That gun goes home into a fucking Boulder River, and nobody ever sees it again, or whatever the fuck. Take it on vacation, which I don't give a fuck, and pull an OJ, put the gun in Chicago. When he got there, I would have fuck whatever he did with the knife, right? You know, even him, they went right to them, but they couldn't put the pieces together. He had a high-powered attorney, so they destructed, and they didn't catch the most important thing, the fingerprint. In the OJ trial, if you really look what happened, it happened over the weekend. And on Sunday night, they were there, and all of a sudden it started raining. So the fingerprint they had, the rain, killed it. And then from there, you just go. And then he hired that 18, which cost him $55 million, probably. - Got him a freedom mill. - She had four gangsters. He had that white Jew, that he had two Jews. No, he had the white gangster. - Yeah, who's the other one? - We used to forget what type of attorney he was. - He fucked one of them too, he fucked one of their wives. - Yeah, that was one of the Kardashians is OJ's kids. They said that he's his kid, but no, there was a four-man dream team. - Yeah, what was the black guy? - Sorry? - Black. - No. - Bailey, and another white guy, look it up, everything in belly. - Athlete Bailey? - No, it was a white guy. - Yeah, Athlete Bailey. Athlete Bailey, and there was a white dude that is fucking brilliant. He's the one that saved the case. He argued, he's tough. He's rough, you know, like he's-- - No. - Jesus Christ. - Ronald Goldman. - Yeah, he got, that's the original catch and strays. Not Ben Shapiro. - I just told you it wasn't Shapiro. It's another white guy. They brought him, and then that guy cost-- - I just told you. - If a glove-- - If a glove does not fit, you must have quit. - Well that was the young, that was the black dude. I'm talking about-- - Alan Dershowitz. - Dershowitz, no. - No, no. - He's a Jew, old Jew. He was on that team too. - Barry Shack, Peter Newfield. - Barry Shack, Barry Shack. - That dude, if you have him as your fucking attorney, you just sit there with a grin on your face, drawing pictures with Mickey Mouse 'cause you already know the outcome. He's gonna fuck them up. - Imagine hiring that guy and you're like, "Hey, just so you know, I did it." And he's like, "It's gonna cost you, but I'll get you off." - Did you have like a dream list of lawyers that you wish you could have hired? Like it sounds like you really liked Shack. No, he doesn't want to get caught. He's not going to trial. Right. I like but right away the fingers are going to point at me in a situation like that. Right. So you got to get a good lawyer. So, you know, you just got to get you can't get one way. You need three minds. That's great. My day was just one lawyer and you have a copile sitting there. You want to know how to listen. The Yankees win-roll series. They have a high budget. The D.A. and the city D.A. and the federal D.A. They're never going to match. Yep. What I'm going to pay these fucking animals. Yep. They're going to out with them. I got three of these animals and one of them's got the vitamins I need. Okay. One of them has the vitamins you need. You have to and I hate to say this because people are going to start. You have to. It's what it got. You have to trust the judicious. And sometimes it wins and sometimes it loses with me. It's fucking lost because they wanted to sentence me for the full term. I plea bargain down the second degree burglary. They gave me four years, but there was a state law 1200 with cuts to sentence. The first time offenders. It was like stealing two years. How have they done two months in county, which is four months. So 24 months minus four is 21 months 18 months. You're eligible for halfway house at 16 months. You're already go to halfway house. Unless you're a fucking savage, but pretty much like so when I got that. I was like ready for county like 90 day work release. They wouldn't allow it. But I was still very happy because I went from 48 months with four months for 24 months with four months. And then I had a month waiting to go to the system. That's two months. So when I got there, it was like stealing and then on top of that, my point system. I was surprised how many criminals don't have driver's license. You'd be surprised when they don't have jobs at the time of the arrest. You'd be surprised on how many how many don't have a high school diploma. First thing I did after all those years when I got arrested, I went and got my high school diploma in prison. No, no, when they let me out, I'm bad. When I got my high school diploma, I threw the cocaine away and I started going to college like a student, threw it away. I did not. I was still snought. Okay, you know, okay. You got rid of it. That's a different story throwing away. When you get down on top of that, I have a point system. So when you subtract, did you live with your family? Did you have a job at the time of your arrest? You have a driver's license. Did you have a high school diploma? There was like eight or nine questions. At the end, you got like a minus two or whatever. I was already eligible for a fucking app warehouse. So it was I was against the grain and it worked in my way. Now if I get in trouble again, it's not going to be that way. The law gave me a pass, which meant don't come back. I got the hint. We cut you a lot of grief, kid. Now don't come fucking back. And that's the message I got from it. You never got close again. I got arrested again, but never got tossed in jail. After 88, I got arrested probably. I had arrested six times in Seattle in 18 months. We're running the crime syndicate up there. We're fucking. We had Josh Wolf Robyn saves his shit. So we didn't get the message right away. He didn't get the message. That's not the other message at all fucking Listen, I still remember I store a lot of message. Exactly. You get to the halfway house. First of all, you have to wait by the gate at the prison and then the bus comes and they take you to the halfway house. I had a car pick me up. I have my girlfriend picked me up tried me to the halfway house. I pulled over Gabriel stabbing doggy style in this two door Mazda. She had the blue Mazda right on the highway. I'm like, I ain't waiting for this. I went to the halfway house. I go shit tight. And you go in and also and they go, listen, you have three hours to go get your personal belongings. For me, that man, you got three hours to get an eight ball and get back in. So I bought the first night. I got on belongings. And I went to my friend's house and he told me I leave and they go for you. But he left the bag over here open. I clipped an extra three and a half. I went for that. And then I was weighing it. It got to the point. I was in there weighing it, selling it like by the first week. When I was in the house, listen to me. I'm in a seven man room. And I don't know. You don't really know how the old packaging was. But the old packaging was a bundle. You open it, you open it. It's a triangle in the middle. You snort your coke. And then you put it back. Okay. When I went to get the coke and I was in the cell, I had to scale on the top bunk. I'm on the top bunk and it's fucking thing. Okay. When I go up on the bunk and here I am, I'm taking the eight ball of coke and I'm putting it into whatever. And also one of the guys coming to go Joey, they're doing a security sweep. When I went to close the bendal, the bendal went backwards. And all the coke shot up into the air all over the carpet. And there was a black carpet. So I had to get on my, Lee, wake up. I had to get on my hands and knees. It's for 20 motherfuckers. I like the other two. These and pick up each rock, the dust I lost, but I picked up like eight rocks. We're sitting in the room. They both walk in and they're like, what are these rocks on the floor? And the other guy goes, the ceiling, something was wrong. At that time, we really did have one of those ceilings that was back. You know, when they shoot it and it has like that, like that, like that war right there was similar to that. And they just walked out. And I was like, oh, shit. You had so many close calls, so many like, oh, I could have gone. And don't these are close calls when you're in the red zone. Remember, there's a close call. I went in there one night. Again, on Fridays, I would go walk in there with an eight ball quarter rounds because I knew they'd be waiting for me on this one particular Friday night. Girls were on the first floor. And there was like six of them, but three of them was smoking. There was one that was like a high level Cosme thief, like a perfume thief. She just destroyed like gimbals. Well, Macy, she took every fucking thing. No, no, no, I'm not talking about this bitch was taking back orders and getting them shipped to a different warehouse. No, no, she told me she goes, no, no, I was, she had even when she got in a prison, she had the fucking shoplifting. No, she was like she was a manager at a place. And she would take shipments all the way houses and go sell the fucking whole shipment shoes, whatever the fuck it was. But this bitch still she goes, I got six years, but I managed to keep my wardrobe. This bitch was still banging tall, really pretty girl. But there was another chick that was crazy. That was Dayton. A guy was in the halfway house where they were both in the system together. Okay, now we were friendly. We all had to go to group meetings and we talk. And when Friday night, I walk in and you have to sign in when you walk in and they give you a folder when I open my folder, there was a note. Yeah, you got a couple messages there. There was people saying don't forget to stop in my room. Like Joey, bring me the chicken cutlet sandwich. Joey do this. But what they wanted me to do was top in their room to sell them Pope. So I never forget I walk in the building. They they search you. I got the eight ball in my nut sack. And then I walk and I go to let me go to produce twinings first. Look, I walked down that alleyway. Now the office is there. And these are the girls rooms. This is like a little cafeteria area. And then the last two rooms and girls room. It's like three girls in the room. I knocked in the door and Patrice opens the door with her big face tits popping out like lingerie. And I go, what the fuck? She goes, I need a grand, but I got no money. I go, fuck it. And I just went into the doorway like this. Our roommates were eating cereal on the couch. You shit. And she suck at my pipe. A whole way because the cops are right over that. They can see you not doing anything. They can see just see this. Yeah. They thought I was just talking. I had my hand on the thing. Like to make believe I was just leaning on it, talking to the wrong fucking hand. Look at me. I'm trying. I'm supposed to lean this way. It was insane. And then after that, me and her had this little little crazy affair. I would pop in some nights and she'd be banging. I just take it. I'm like I said, there was a little pantry where they had frozen foods and TV dinners. I took her in there when they bent her over no condom. I'm dying and just gave her a stack of half way house was fucking insane when I was there. I switched the air conditioners and the conference room to my room. I got put it from a six six man room to a three man room. What? You got to take the top bump. I couldn't take it. So I took the guy under me and I loaded the cigarettes. We're fucking those things that when you light up the cigarette. Exposed. Yeah. I used to do those. I used to fuck them up. Freddie soda everybody. I'd wait till somebody bar the cigarette. And I'm like, yeah, here I was just like, I have my door already magic store. The magic store. Yeah, we got one with Freddie and me and Ren is easy with the back watching. We knew we had it. And he was on stage because I get in front of the perfect took him seven minutes to light up. He kept doing this. He kept going like, actually, you know what? And just not lighting it. We're like, come on fucking light it already. He keeps talking doing whatever. And then he's like, you know, actually, and he just keeps not lightening it. 10 minutes in finally lights is like another thing. Boom. Oh my God. I mean, he was out loud. I know. But I'm a special loads of fashion. a two-pick. Yeah, you could take it way out, bore it into the middle. So they get comfortable with the cigarettes. Yeah. You had a couple hits. You had a couple hits first. Then it's so guys, you neutralize the cigarette. Like you put one two in the middle and then one in the in the beginning. So they just blow up together. That's priceless. Listen, yeah, you just fill up pack of cigarettes and give people cigarettes and take your chance. Do they are it? It's fucking it's people off because they're like, what the fuck? I never see everybody laughing and there's a moment of anger. They're like, what'd you do? Yeah, they ought to be cool with it or they're just dorks. Oh my God. I used to love you can pay for the cigarette on the fun. Yeah, I stood up the mind like I would die. I got to get those again. I would die to stop on the way home and get 10 10 cigarette loads. Oh my God. Just get them out in the city and just watch people blow them. So I get the homeless guys in Topka Square Park easily. Easily. Hey, well, I'm fun today. Listen, if you're off and all you're on this, you got a Cuban cigar and look like eight of them in the middle. Wow. And give it to somebody and they're like, yeah, I'm gone by. They're talking about it and shit. And that motherfucker blows. You know what I'm going to do at the Bobby Kelly. We'll have a cigar soon. This will be up for it. Yeah, today's 420. He won't watch this. No, he's too much of a family man. I'll get him tomorrow. Yeah, let me into a cigar. That's how it is in the old cartoon days. Just goes like that. It's like a demigorance and some crazy shit, man, with those things. I don't even know how I discovered them. I just found them one day and I'm well, anything like that, devious, that's my world Hollywood costume or magic. That's what they had him. Hollywood costume or magic. Oh, that was on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, I had the one over the weed store in studio city. One of the second four. And I would go up there and buy them. I bought them out. I live in studio city that I lived in Hollywood. And this is like 90. No, 90. There's like 2000. I didn't have to store one night. I didn't have to somebody at the store. I think it was Peter Chen. It's it's always Peter Chen. Peter Chen is wild. He was a cop. You never came back. This guy was just as awful Asian comic, Missy Lightning, because he was just like, he had a funny accent. I mean, beyond awful. But he's around 15 years. So he's like, I've been here longer than anyone. I should get spots. I'm like, yeah, I know about, you know, this guy didn't get spots. He's great. He'd be here 12. Yeah, I'd be here 15 year. I should get spot over him. Sorry. Wow, Missy Haylove. She just tortured him. He let everybody torture him. He was so cheap. He would have to move his car up like you move the car up and go, yeah, and he's he's from fucking rural China. He just opened the door and push it forward. Somebody must have sucked his dick once. Somebody must have sucked Peter Chen's dick. Otherwise, why would you keep coming back? Lameh. Lameh. No way. You know, are yesterday, so many posted on the comedy store, they posted like a vignette. Okay. And the second vignette was a chick, a hot girl walking out of the OR coming down to Sunset Boulevard. And when they open the door, it's a picture of you, young, young, really, where the steps or something on what other steps up to the belly room? No, no, this is coming out the sunset. When you walk into the original room, and you pay, and it was you, Ralphie. Oh, really? Oh, my God, Ralphie was the one one. He's like making a milkshake, whatever the fuck he's doing. Well, best. It was always making a milkshake in his head. Yeah. Rest in fat. He's summary to two, two full pizza pies, looking down at us. I hope if heaven exists, that you get to eat whatever you want. Ralphie, there's a podcast now that does this, but Ralphie just did it in reality. It was one of each, please. Yeah, go to a restaurant, just go right here, but they cut you off. There's the hot chick. There's Ralphie. Oh, look at that picture. Look at that headshot. Yeah, Jimmy Schubert. I don't know who the fuck that is. What in the middle? Yeah. That's me. Is that you? That's me in the middle. Come on. Let me see. No, that's not you dog. You better get your fucking glasses fixed. Come on. That's me, buddy. That's me rex and renesezy. Oh shit. Renesezy Schubert me. He looks young too. He hasn't lost a fucking ink of hair. I fucking told you the only one looks worse. There's well, Ralphie looks the same, but the rest of us. Renesezy looks close. You know, I was looking at that picture before you came in and never mind all this shit that happened. New York City, the story, tell us show films, bullshit. Think of what we were doing at the store right now, 20 years ago. It was at how we were living wild. It was so wild. That's why the story tell show came from from what the way we lived. We're like, well, we have them. We got these stories. It was just like at any moment, if you go on a La Jolla conference or it was 50/50 if you want to see you wanted to book hookers. It was 50/50. All it took was like, you're drinking someone's like, should we go to T.J.? I'm like, damn it. Why'd you say that? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. And even if you were and then that was 50/50, you might fuck. We knew one guy was like, well, I'm getting a fucking butternight from the from the condo and taking a like, dude, you're not taking a knife into Tijuana. Are you nuts? Dude, that it was so fun. I mean, there were so many places to fuck and even the kids who didn't fuck like the young guys were like, I can't put a problem for all walks of life. I was an orthodox Jew eight months earlier. There's all these like religious Christians to generate or offense all coming together. And so some of us like, I don't know what this life is, but there'd be animals taking chicks to fucking side rooms and the young guys would be like, let's watch them. And so we'd have to try to sneak around to try to like get a glimpse of like any griffin fucking or something. We didn't know. You go to the back of the main room. Main room was closed always. And he'd be like, he might be right there. Anybody might be right there. And you like slowly go in. No, that was in either the girls bathroom, the main room bathroom upstairs. So you got to slowly go in and we look in like Scooby-Doo head over head over head trying to get. I never peeked at anybody. I peeked all the time. I never peeked. Over the bathroom stall. He was like, you never peeked because you were fucking. Yeah. So I was a fucking door. Yeah. It's the most we had is to watch you fucking dogs. I've seen your ass fucking slam and before fucking 97. I've seen Joey work it, dude. I work. I walk. I do the right thing. I was quiet. I left. I didn't interrupt. I didn't interrupt. I'm like, I stopped the game. I just want to be as you know, I could see it. You know, it wasn't that it was from the field. It was. It was the Ralphie. The drugs saying the drugs. Do we have a casino for like six months in the main room? None of the tie bartenders were working. Where is he? He's got a felt with like an actual like a feather we put on a table and there are like some the way she's gonna like, there's no bartenders. And they're like, don't my hands. Don't my hands. And then they're like, we need to make the drinks. I'm like, no, I'm on a roll. But like a legit like for real. We've played Cussey. No, no, for real. Yeah, money. It was great. We did whatever the fuck he wanted. She was gone. And so no one was running it. I would love to tell you that the best time period probably for me because I was breaking my teeth. Yeah, that's when you're in there every fucking night with you got a spot of not. You're in there hustling. Whatever. I thought it was 97 to 2000. I think about it now. It was the whole thing. It was 97 to 2006. And then 2014 to 2020. Different. Whatever. I was always a regular. I didn't get banned. I didn't get thrown out of that. I just decided not to go in there because it was just I felt I was done. That's it. Seven years. If you're like, how long are you going to sit at the stand before the managers go listen, you've been lurking like a spider for seven years. It's time to do some. You got to do something. And that's at any club. If you're at the if you get if you get the Lexington, let's say you live in Nashville. You do Lexington, Kentucky. You're going there as a feature. Another feature. Another feature. You're going to be a six dollar feature. And they're going to go ahead line you because you're an hour away. For the holidays, Christmas, all some people request to see you now. They headline you. They're not going to headline you. They're going to headline you for the July weekend. Good luck. Christmas weekend. You know, they give the the good spots to me. But they'll give you Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. Yeah. You know, January 3rd and 4th. And then another year. Now you had line again. And this year you open for a shameless for new years. Right. What's your next step at that club? Got to get out of there. What's your next step? No. You can't sit down. But why not? Like say, if I was selling out a club every time I went to that city, I'm sure theaters are great. But just for me right now, that the dream would be selling out theater theater week, not theater club weekends. To think that that many people like that. I like weekends way more than one nighters. I like one. One nighters are a great time. I'm not complaining. We used to go out Tuesday to Sunday. That's my favorite. Now it's supposed rumors and Winnipeg. They figured they figured this out. They figured this out. Nobody's coming two weeks in a row to a comedy club. So they book you for two weeks. Yeah. To save on the flight. And then Monday and Tuesday, there's just hang, do whatever. They have they have shows. I just you'll be every Tuesday to the next Sunday. Yeah, and they have like two for one deal on winter. Who's day through the to Sunday? That means you're on a plane Monday morning. You came home. You fed the cat. You did laundry. And Tuesday, you're back at LAX and that every weekend, but like once or twice a year. That's what it was. Yeah. Once or twice a year. That's what it was. That's what every club had. They wouldn't hire you Thursday. Through whatever. DC improv used to have used to have you wear a T shirt DC improv T shirt on Monday. You get in free. And like Jake Johansson types. They'd be like, yeah, Monday to Sunday. I'm seven, seven days. Yeah. You have no idea. That was great. Yeah. For me and for him, we're broken. But man, you come home for a fucking day. Oh, you can't pay your bills. You're always late payments. You're like, I got the money. I just I didn't have time to open up the fucking envelopes. You get home on Monday, man. And you do that three weeks and Rogan always works Sundays. And that's where our that's when I got off the boat and shit. Yeah. What's Joey should be here right now. I'm like, guys, I got some bad news for you. What is it? Joey's in Los Angeles. Like, no, we saw him last night in 10, but then temperate. He's gone. I don't really tell that story and your story. Tell his show that, you know, the hotel fire. Uh-huh. And if you, I don't know if you were there, that night, I wasn't there. That was Tagura. Okay. And when I came down at the end, oh, yeah. So case. And I took the elevator and I were all running down the steps and they're like, where the fuck have you been? And also, I'm like, I the fight like for 30 minutes, they stood out there like fucking victims. I'm like, I don't know what you guys are standing here for. And they're like, why are you here with a suitcase? Like, oh, I'm waiting for a cat. Yeah, I didn't even know they were good when Rogan kept me with Tagura. They were like, what are you going? We're going to work tonight. Not after that. That's my sign. That's it. That's it. That's a bad old man. If you didn't get the sign from God, I did. God. The reason I started. Yeah. So wait, you thought the, like the hotel was on fire and you packed? No, he was just like, I'm done with it. It's fire. I'm out. Think about going in the hotel room. We had a great two shows at Cubs sold out. I'm going to do a half full Sunday. Remember, we used to go up there and eat those chicken strips. And the guy would say, we're all out of them. And then we went and told the owner. And then when they came back with those, because we would eat 30 orders. We just keep eating. We're free food. We needed it. We went to one time. We had the guy Chinatown is in San Francisco. It's one of the legit Chinatowns. And Joey's like, Hey, Tom, I want you to bring me somewhere legit. I want though, I want the real shit. Don't bring me to these white people's Chinese food. I want authentic. And he goes, I got the spot for you. I know it. And we went down there and it's fucking great. These people are fucking, you know, mouths and nephews work with them. And then we're eating. And Joey's just pushing his food around. Just like, push it around. And he's like, what's wrong? He's like, it's too authentic. Yeah, it's got the eyeballs in it still. You're like, I want less eyeballs. Yeah, that's real. Don't think I eat with the potato pancakes. Yeah, they make their own scallion scallion pancakes, scallion pancakes. The place is real. San Francisco is a little too real. We had some good times in the road. The reason I started going opening for Rogan is because he was such a fuck off. It was 50/50. He was here. He's going to be there. Did he like antagonize him to get him to leave so he can do time? No, but we used to do this. We used to like, we didn't want to have to go out to a nightclub because Rogan will take us there. You can't get a cab. We're stuck there forever. Yeah, infest me in Vegas where like, there is no clothes. So, but we like, if we, if Joe gets drunk on stage, he's just going to want to go eat, which is all we wanted to do. And we're going to push him like steak to steak. And so he knows if people from the audience sent drinks to Rogan, he's doing shots. So Joey would just go to a waitress and say it's from like one of those tables, set it up. And I'd go to another one, like, say it's from this area, send it up. And then the crowd got, they sent two, three more. And then he's bombed and we're like, we did it no club tonight, no club tonight. Go out to get Brazilian steak. I tell him. We get them so drunk as repeating jokes. Oh my God. He's repaid jokes in Vegas. Then when they pulled them on the wheelchair. What? They had to take him out in a wheelchair. How many shots did he send them? All of them, all of them don't. It wasn't just me. It was not good. I thought I'd get into it too. Oh my God. That's right. You forget. You got the cheat code on a lot of people. You got the cheat code that you figured out how to like work them. If somebody of the audience sent them up a drink like, nice, that's cool. And you're like, oh, he relates to that. Okay. So now I'm going to do it. That you got, you got the slate and cheat code. You would always Ralphie. I found out he fell through the stage and he used it. He was so fatty. He fell through a reinforced stage. With Ralphie, it was a sly thing. You couldn't insult them openly. So you had to work it into something. So I would go, oh my God, where were you last night? I was home playing. I was tired. My feet were hurting or whatever the fuck, you know. And then he go, wow, what happened? Are you saying a guy was on the store? He was at the store. He ate a bag of dicks and all of a sudden you go, like you do that. The last fact, three last Monday player. I didn't buy a motherfucker. He knew you're talking about it. After that, you just get him going. I know where you get your information from player. Play, boy, but I didn't buy it. And I just get those guys started. I'm doing this in a motion. And to get Rogan started, you got to piss him off. You got to get him to go fucking Joey. I got him. When I broke the computers, remember, I slammed breath man. Yeah, you were done. I threw it in the fucking wall and joke, what happened? This motherfucker wouldn't turn the computer off. Joe. He's like, I'm done streaming. I'm done. She turned it off because let's just do a little like I said, I'm fucking. If they texted him, they texted Joey Diaz back then. He did not care for that technology. No, he did not care. And he also did not turn his fucking buzzer off. So just bing bing. I told you not to bother me. He would answer the phone on stage in Kansas City. Different time zone. And he just answered, you go, what the fuck do you think I am an 824 PM? And they're like, I had 624. Don't you ever fucking call me on stage. And we had the value of going out with him. And then we go back to the store. That was our training Sunday, Sunday nights or Monday was open. I would go right back to death, go from these beautiful sold out three-inches cedars crazy audience. I could pause. I could like take my time back to the fucking battleground. Cubs was the most interesting thing. When we would sit by the ledge and watch the people in January, you always went up in January because you could see over the and it was fucking freezing. And you see people lining up all the way to the top. That's when it was me, Harry, Tate, Eddie, Red Band and Duncan. Duncan with the fucking Momo with the little hobo. Remember, we stayed at the hotel on Fisherman's Wharf? That was the ship. I stayed there years later with my wife and kid. Yeah. They had the taffy there and they had the guy who hid behind bushes and scared people. Yeah. That guy ruled. I got ruled. I need to see him. Once you got your couple of times, you're like, I'm going to hang out and watch. He's like, sure. You know, people have no idea how much I owed Joe because he introduced me to a complete different way to tour a different way to look at things. Yeah. Talk Friday nights were like nothing at the store in 1997, 120 people. He would work all day rehearse and shoot news radio. He'd always come in after a 12 hour down the set of $15. Yeah. And I go, that's character because people get on a show. They're done. They're not staying in the comics. I did that for a while, but now I'm a TV man. That dude, he battled too. He'd go right across and then news radio. Do you even know what that is? No. Yeah. Okay. It was like the 25th rated show. It's fine. It was fine. It was funny. It was very funny. But it wasn't like blowing up the charts or anything. Because they kept moving it. They kept it never had a fully the guy whose wife killed them. Yeah. NBC. But bro, I watched an episode last week where there's something was going. It's not like any dick. Yeah. Andy Dick Rogan that chick and the guy from from the office space. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's my, that's my statement. It played the radio, the radio team. It was the boss. They were so good. And and he got guest stars on the pile of people like that. But anyway, nobody really watches. He'd come into the store and it was a battle for him too. It wasn't like they were like, you're our guy. We'll do anything. Not like podcast time. He had to prove himself every time and he went to battle. Battle. He'd see a couple of comments bomb. And he'd be like, oh, I don't want to do it. And he would just go, that's I'd be in the cover booth just watching him. Like watching heavy hitters go down one after the other. Joe would always just like, you'd see him just kind of go like, no. And then just I'm getting you guys. It was pretty cool to watch. And then we'd see it on the road too. Yeah. There was a couple times where they're like, I think you were over there at some like Rhode Island, like Boat House? I was there. And they were like, listen, this is a very conservative audience. I probably want to not be too dirty. And I was like, I was too new. And I was like, okay. And then I like, I was like, let me try to be. I didn't know how to say no. I know what I'm doing. And then I'd see him just be extra filthy. It'd be fine. And I'm like, that's he just got to stand up for yourself. You know, a lot of people like, oh, I just fanned up sucks now. Let me tell you something. What was the room? Vince Vaughnett. But you were in LA. It was before David Scissroom, before Dublin's. Before Dublin's. This was 25 yards. And you walked down the stairs. It's still there. They've tried everything. That's where they had to make it. That's when I first moved to LA. It was a little corner. You walked deep in there and that's how you got into the bar. But the first thing was a breakfast spot. Yeah. And then it became naked sushi. Where they put a blonde chick, where they'll push the out and they put sushi on it. What? You had to take pieces off of sashimi, whatever. I never went there. I loved the day I went there, but I didn't. But that room, that belonged to Vince Vaughn. In 1997, Vince Vaughn was living with Ahmed Ahmed. Oh, yeah. And the other guy, and this was Vince Vaughn's girlfriend. Suppose they broke up, and Ahmed and her got this room. Ahmed couldn't book it, so somebody was booking it. And the guy that ran it was very handsome. He was one of those dudes who longed hair, and the chicks would hang out with him and shit. Kind of like a dick, but not a bad guy. He gave a state time. I saw a prime rogue in there one night. And I also saw a prime, Nick the Paulo in there. Prime, 97. That's when people are proving themselves. Oh my god. You go on stage to prove yourself. It wasn't because of your fame level. It'd be like, like, doubles too, especially. You'd be like, I'm going to show these people who I am. That's not-- people went into-- Oh, there's all these big, heavy hitters. Let me show them up. To show that I'm eyeball-- it was a different thing, then. Every night, you're going to prove yourself. The best set ever I saw-- no, it's tied. Yeah. I saw two brilliant sets. I saw Stan Hopen there one night. I got to remind me, and I saw a rogue in there. And Rogan was on-- it was like a perfect set. That's when he did, and Nicole. And he still had that set before the first CD set was on fire. But one night Stan Hopen was headlining. And fucking not. Rogan was there. And this is before the weed. This is before anything. And I know if we got Stan Hopen was buck fucking wild drinking. And at one point, he said he saw his mother's pussy, and he stepped on it because it looked like a spider, or something like that. Something out of fact. I mean, Stan Hopen, delivery at that time was priceless. And all of a sudden, I get in the car. We're rogue in the Supra. And I go, so what'd you think tonight? What'd you think? And he goes, I don't know about that duck Stan Hopen guy. [LAUGHTER] He drank 16 beers while he did 45 minutes on stage. He counted the beers. That's how he wasn't. He was straight at. He was still fighting. Straight dog, and he watched it. Real four drinks. I can't. I can't. And he would watch it. Let's go to a strip club. And he would go to a strip club and come back. Because me, Ralphie and Ricky Cruz wouldn't go. What's the one on sunset down the corner? The one fucking 50 yards. The one that burned down with Jewish lightning? Yeah, Jewish lightning. I don't even know if that's what I wanted. There was a bus stop at the street. That melted. But Joey's like, fire doesn't burn like that. I'm in my sign with an agency. They don't exist anymore. 20 years ago. Nice people. But every time I-- it was right across in that strip club. And when I sign with them, I call them. Somebody referred me. I called them and he goes, yeah, send me this. And then when somebody called me, he goes, yeah. Coming for an interview, when I went in there, the receptionist, as soon as I looked and I'm like, he got this bitch from across the street. Well, she had dirty blonde hair that Loridian chicks have. Like the one I swaps with, they have like that. They have like that fucking, that color, you know, that blonde. Yeah, the light blonde. What the fuck was I talking about? You got me all set up? No, who-- Salo Cognum, the receptionist. So I've tried to sign with him after a few months. The guy who referred me one day called me and he goes, are you going on auditions? And I'm like, yeah, they haven't sent me an audition in months. I don't know who's fucking up the agent or that stripper. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What fucking stripper are you talking about? He goes, yeah, the girl on the front. He used to get lab dances from her at lunchtime. Middle legit. And he did the receptionist and he trained there and the whole thing, but then she didn't fuck them. And then she ended up leaving. And went to a top management company in the Valley. In fact, Salo, I was with her when you and I went to San Francisco for that first weekend, she negotiated. What do you mean? Oh, you and I co-edline Cubs in the very beginning. Oh, yeah, yeah, we did some co-edline again. We did Buffalo. We had the shirts with the Del Castro. Come on, those things are vintage now. Those are vintage. You're going to see those 20 years. We had, we did a co-edlining gig in Chicago. Our agent figured out, what a fucking Jew this non Jew was. He figured out, he goes, you just got to sell the story. These guys sell out. So there was a house of blues. That sounds like a real place. In Chicago, 400 seats. Like you guys can sell that out. And so like Duke co-edlining, it was sold it out. And then other clubs like, wow, he sold out the house of blues. That's humongous. But the poster was like a card. Like two kings and you flip it upside down. And it was his face or my face. And it would have pretty cool. Yeah, that Fidel Castro Joey Diaz smoking with the Jewish shit on it. Oh, I got to find that. Where are the Yamaha? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were on an old board. Fidel Castro, those shirts went. Those shirts went. Those shirts. Those were good shirts. Fucking wet, like. And you know, it's, it's, it's, you know, people were the fucking Che Guevara. They don't even know who's on his check. Yeah. Even though the fuck Che did and what he did. Hey, but I might as well put Fidel on what the Yamaha. Yeah, I'm saying why confuse the, the allies in 200 years? We're going to find out that's what it was anyway. All right. Anyway, let's just drop that on these motherfuckers. Who's really pulling those strings? You know, that's the, we had some good fucking times. We had good times in the road. Education of the comedy store. Yeah. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get, you would see human behavior in a way you, you've never seen before. You would see the way customers treated each other as couples. You would see how comics was just like, it was just the rawest form of life. And you would just get, just get into stuff, make, like midnight drives the Joshua tree for five hours. Do mushrooms, watch the sun come up, just like on a whim. We're on top of the roof of the comedy store with the fucking rocket launcher, launch and fucking water balloons at the Skybar at the rich fucking, you know, all those fucking people in TMZ, all those hot, whatever's the 20 year olds that run Hollywood. We're fucking launching balloons from across the street and down the block and they explode into their foot. They look around like, who was that? You don't know. It's down the block. That's hitting you. Like do another one, dude, they someone told on us, I don't know who it was. So the cops are running. I think I don't know. It was like, get down. And so we had to like run down. The cops were coming up. We hid in Mitzi's little alcove. They went up and then we stuck back out. We had so much you had, you know, right now if I come to you face to face like a man, smoke a joint, we give you some medables, maybe a shadow whiskey, you know, soften you up. And I say to you, as a comedian, look at it in my world. I came from everything was an accomplishment, everything was, everything was an accomplishment. Everything was an accomplishment. Oh, I got it. Okay. Because I'll measure the end. I always went by inches, uh-huh, inch, punch the ball, inches, I heard you inches is what this life's about. Everybody goes for a touchdown. I knew it wasn't going to work for me that way. I tried it and didn't work. So now it's a game of inches. You got a fucking fight for every mother fucking thing. But I think about anything I ever did that people go, you should be proud of that. You should be proud of long a shot. All that shit was great. But nothing tops the education. I got in that place from 97 to 2006. There were nine fucking years of and it's social and just a common behavior. How people acted, how people would go crazy if they didn't get spots, how people acted around. The kissing up the early, like the early versions of like social climbers, like, wow, and you saw I don't miss. I made your chocolate. Okay. Get the fuck out of you. Missy. One of the grandma blows. You know, one of chocolate fucking. And mitsy was wild too. She was. So they had fat Tuesday. It was it was the black night on Tuesday. It was fat Tuesday. The Thomas or PHA. Yeah. And then they had black night. And then they had we're not manic Mondays. What was the Mondays one at the at the life factory? No, no, something I got to tell you, this was the best lineup ever, but it was a great show. the fucking. When I got there was Cory. Cory. How come? No, the original Cory. He had a name. He was a big radio guy. They got developmental deal. He was a regular at the store and Cory ran on Monday. Really good looking dude. He ran Mondays and I forget what that was that was the hottest show. It was three, six minute, one, seven minute white act. Then a good white act like Bill Burt type white act. Yeah. And then it was all black after that. Blacks would always have a couple new really throw them to the world's white guys. You know, you have that's how I started. That's how Jay started to fill the slate. And then on Mondays, you had Latino night. So if you were fucking tip top because they put white people up up there. It wasn't just about it. They don't have enough. At that time, that time, you know, Jeff Garcia, they had thrown the fucking. The rest are still busy gardening. Those and but he didn't want me in there. But gay, uh, the other guy, Gilbert Escobel was the host and he booked it. So he always, he always told me you got a 20 minute spot in my world for. So he gave me nine, 20 and nine, 40. And then if you were gangster, you ran for the comedy store for the open mic on Monday night. And I remember running for the store one night thinking I was going to get on and it was Bob Sagitt on the list. David tell that was like the first time I ran like, oh, they ain't going to be nobody there. Wow. And it was Bob. That's the first time I've ever met Bob Sagitt and we hung on on that porch in the front. It was Bob Sagitt, David Tower and somebody else. And I remember going holy shit. Hold the things like the education I got in there. I remember Dave me being with Missy on a Sunday. David's hell came in and he was buck fucking wild. And he went up there and said something. Oh, uh, everybody read about the plane that went down in Columbia. It's always a shame. The real plane went down. He's like, it killed my pocket because I had 30 kilos. I'm not motherfucker. And he just ran with it. He was just miss. He was fucking going. Ape shit. I saw a lot of fun shit. And that's where you learn. And then the greatest. Paul Mooney, he flashed up on my YouTube today and I watched it. He would come in. He would always go on the late late, 11, 45, after the line up, we do 30 minutes, but he wouldn't bump anybody because it was always on the end. I had a father white boy hated him, hated him. I heard what's one chick that was the regular there. She was like, this guy's just racist. I'm like, yeah, I guess. I don't know what it was. His boyfriend was white. Yeah, is that too. He did a whole time. He goes the end word. I love it. I say it every I say it 10 times a day. It makes my teeth white. I don't guys Uncle Joey. Listen, if you like nicotine, you're going to love Lucy. Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches and nicotine gum. Flavors like apple spice, espresso, buried citrus, tremendous. And don't forget my favorite mango. You understand me? 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Listen, just take the bouquet. I don't even know what it is, right? Yeah. Every bouquet is pick fresh and carefully packaged and backed by a freshness guarantee. You know how to get those roses. You get on 42nd Street and they die when they go on a war and it's not that type of party. So when do you get flowers for people right now when you order 1,000 roses? That's right. 1,800 flowers will double your bouquet up to 2,000 roses per free. Who's better? That's for your mother, the mother-in-law. You know, she don't speak English, but flowers are nice. That's twice the flowers for your mother, all right? You got a mother-in-law. You got somebody, a grandmother. There you go. Who up? Who thinks about mothers like me, Uncle Joey? Why? Because she's dead. So, Mother's Day is Sunday, May the 10th, and bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me. Do not wait. As soon as you hear this, put the refa down and call 1,800 flowers dot com slash Joey to claim your double roses offer before they go. And this is a great deal. Okay. That's 1,800 flowers dot com slash Joey. All right. 1,800 flowers dot com slash Joey. Tell a monk what Joey said. You're going to love the roses. I'm getting some of myself from my wife and I'm going to send some to some stranger. You don't say it like that. I love you. He had so many good lines. No, but he had, there was a machine. When I got there in 97, and I saw him, I shipped my pants because I had bought his album race. Really? I didn't know him at all. I bought the album race. There was no Wikipedia back there. I just knew that he wrote for Sanford and son, and he wrote for Richard Pride. And I still remember being at the store and watching him come in and going. That's fucking hard. I had no idea he was a store guy. There was no Wikipedia. I remember I'm there was black scenes and white scenes and those alt scenes and regular scenes and there were separated New York and L.I. separated. But like, I remember seeing in the back, it was it was Eddie Griffin, and it was hanging with Mr. Cooper. Oh, he was good. He's a good guy. I forget his name. Mark Curry. And one of them was there and watching Mooney. The other one comes up because what you're doing, and he just goes watching the master. And they both just turned and watch this guy with the reference. A guy I'd never heard of. Paul Mooney. I was like, oh, and he had so he would people be leaving by the night over. As soon as you get on the stage before you even talk, people like, whoa, who's this? They were just sit down. He'd walk him with like a hat and a robe. You couldn't talk to him unless you complimented him first. And then he had a run. He had a roll. Yeah, had a little tiny champagne. Tiny champagne. He would have a roll about eight minutes. That was possibly one of the best eight minutes I ever saw at the store. And it was that one. I say the N word 20 times. It keeps my teeth white. And then he, but he would always close with something that is such a well-written joke. That people would go, and then they would stand up and go, what the fuck am I laughing at? Which one? Got the chopsticks. Look at this white lady. She just ran out. She's calling the police. There's a black male on stage that won't stop saying. What's that boy? There's a N word on stage. That won't stop saying the word N word. You know what that line was. Yeah. And you know what I'm saying? Like this is this is a legendary line. There's a brother on stage that won't stop saying brother. And he goes, listen white people, before you go on hating, if you shake your family tree, there's an N word will fall out. And people go, ha, and then they think about this. That's sister a lot. The kids got tanned. I never went to Jamaica. Oh my god. They're right. They're right. It's fucking brilliant. So he would kill you and then pop that joke. Yeah. And then he could give you a breather. Look at white people. They're leaving already. And then he go. I knew Madonna when she was in Wanyana. That line used to always kill me. He would do this thing too of pretending to not know celebrity's names. I asked him about it once. He was like, and who's that who's that fat bitch? And someone was like, uh, Aretha Franklin's like, yeah, oh, don't give me a start on Aretha Franklin. And I go, Mooney, I've seen you do that joke seven times. Why do you say who's that fat bit? Like, what do you, why do you pretend to not know your name? He goes, yeah, yeah, he goes, it does. I do it on purpose. One, it involves the crowd. And two, it makes me better than the person I'm about to show. Like I can't even learn their name. Who? Oh, yeah, Aretha Franklin. Thanks. Like, I'm like, that's, that's that's technique. He had one. So we got a, we got a letter. That's when people used to complain the hard way. They'd write something out. They'd set, they'd get a stamp. They'd mail it in. It wasn't just a comment. These fucking weak bitches now just comment and move on. So they got a letter saying, Hey, I saw this guy. There's Paul Mooney who's on last Tuesday. He did this. He's very offensive. He like angered my whole party. And I I never see so I call Mitzio's like hey, there's a letter. What should I do? She goes all right right and back They're the phone number. Yeah, I was like I call them tell them they get two free tickets to the show and tell them we're gonna ban that guy I was like, okay Tell him he's banned for like a month. He can't come here like okay. I'm like you're banning Paul Mooney and she goes no just tell them that We need the customers And then I say I think call Paul and tell show them the letter. I want to see it But I think about it my heart skips a beat and now it made me tighter with Paulie Like I'll talk to Paulie once a month on the most obscure call. Hey dude. What are you doing? Paulie's what but I always take this call Because he's a brother. He's a fellow Marine. He was in the trenches with us And we used to torture him back then I would torture him every fucking time I saw Yeah, but I loved him because of his mother and then we had a little fucked up time for a while and Then now I saw him in Austin and it's like seeing fucking your brother like that. You have been seeing I Learned you know when I fucking started calmly Paulie sure was fucking huge Holy was huge The 70s it was prior in the 80s was kennis and the 90s is me bruh Was he big was standing up two of the movies mainly movies, but he did stand up. He did stand up Yeah, I know he did stand up. I know he was yeah movie. See I love Paulie He was on MTV. Yeah, he had to make it with the cala compops. He what it's a naked with the cala compops That's all I remember for and I was a little I'm like what the fuck is this crazy person? He spoke to a generation. He spoke to moly addicts The first ones to speak to people doing X to see no one was speaking to them and he did He's had a whole bit about like They take to DMV in Spanish English and dude It was about that type of Southern California Yeah, you know just sitting next to her some nights Oh, today's a listen to her shit That came out of her mouth while comics were on stage and she had no political correctness none and it was always not loud I'd enough that you heard it get this fucking schwarz off stage Get this guy off stage don't let him up But the night that he's talking about was the kid from Houston that walked in there and they're like He's the next Bill Hicks the guy and the guy shit his pants and she's like get him off get him off She by the way they had three minutes and after watch like enough enough. Oh, no. Yeah, that's why why waste our time The kennis and light would be buzzing get him off the stage. He's bad luck That's what David Taylor says like you know your bombing when you can hear the light go on You know, it's like nothing and they go oh Just that a lot of you and that's how I became friends with Joe She she had one time she she we're in I used to drive her around she liked me I drive her home. We're in the commerce revamp and and holds man. She loved holds man Love holds him hated some of you love holds when he was like that. She got me haul out of Holtman coming He goes hey midsy. What do you want to go you want to go see a movie this week? She was okay. What do you want to see? And he goes there's a new plan of the apes was just out he goes We'll see plan of the apes because why we can just come here on a Tuesday Like she was all and I was like she was all what boss what she was she would say some shit And then she got it with me With the fat baby fat baby But bro, you know when somebody's insulting you and you know when somebody's saying shit to you out of love And that's right grew up. Yeah, I'm North Bergen. They didn't call you nothing Growing up to fucking make you feel good They called you that to throw you a little also Remind you who the fuck you are And that's what she did that pain. She called to me and plucked the stomach popper stomach and go Like like it was letting out air And she go And she laughed by herself I remember she kept saying oh You have to go on stage with a fedal beard and a handkerchief. I'd see you would do it She would say stuff to see you would do it. No, this is the deal if you didn't you failed you failed exactly throw you out You should go up and watch your lungs Okay, I guess I have to go up with the lens like oh lose it. Yeah, I had to do it You have to know anytime she told you an idea You had to like look at her and like go missy you want me to get your tongue sandwich? Yeah, I get a throw off and that was a shit The tongue sandwich center. I took Freddie Solo's job and the other guy's job I was the dude who went to the bank and made it the bottom you were the runner for a while they trusted you with money dog listen to me I was skimming off the bottom too, bro. I respected the comedy store But You got to do what you got to do on Friday They used to have a thing where they'd be like listen. We're failing business Double mortgage the place and so it's like it's failing. So like hey comedians if you want to take a two free tickets like a two Two for zero Handle if you see sorry if you're playing golf with somebody like you want to go come here's a free ticket So you two drink minimum though, so they get some drinks off people that were never gonna go You know you're at a Hollywood and whatever Hey here. I go. Okay. Great. They'll go in and then they start going if you pass all those tickets and people come in On two drinks each we're gonna make 50 bucks off them. So we'll give you two bucks per per ticket that comes back Okay, it's incentive another 20 bucks for the week. You know hand out 10 tickets. They come back But that policy ended because Joey Would just wait until the lot the entrance line of the comedy store And he go no, no, don't pay here. Take this. No, no, don't pay. Take this take this He would cost him 20 bucks $22 each because they don't have to pay him And then I got where we can't Get the whole line she made me a regular right off the bat a month I was a regular in a month after getting to LA So right off the bat. I wanted to be part of the comedy store So they made me a telemarker would ends Mitchell and was that Vegas my girl Crazy girl that's in Vegas. You should take Yeah, look and I didn't want to say his name or what the fuck some matter with you shame up. Yeah, shame It was and we all telemark it like hi auto body. We're gonna give you 40 tickets. There is day nights with dead And Wednesdays with that That's all I had to do. Yeah, was do that. That's how it started and they broke up the department And Mitchell opened up the club and it's not blah blah blah blah blah and then And it was what I do and then she gave me even a better job I did every job there. Okay, yeah, you did everything phone door cover booth Built the website when waiters relate I would take over that assistant talent coordinator I did everything except go on stage She wouldn't let me off Be the door man from seven to ten and then come in and close She would pay me to 25 and that's just that's her way of saying this guy needs money I can't just give them the money. We need them pretend to make him earn. That's why Gabriel does the same thing Nobody needs 17 openers That's Gabriel's way of saying let me help you guys out She would give you jobs to keep you going It's like it's not a necessary thing for the record. Yeah, there was one particular day that tested who I was As a man a comic and my character and I will tell you this I think I told the ones on here. I had a car that an agent gave to Josh wolf And Josh wolf lent it to me with the registration ran out And I kept getting tickets in it until it all like 50,000 dollars they told the car That's a story about my apartment got towed Ralphie always told that's Parkman got told So at that time It was fucking insane And you know, we're snorting coke had one crazy white dude was there from Florida don't say his name He is he sold the club and Off the hook when it was originally off the hook This is 30 years ago They sold that club and the guy came to the comedy store one night with a hundred large Everybody was getting a free coke and he was staying at the sunset Motor lounge across from Ralph's, you know, we were there four nights a week with this guy Fucking snort. I mean we went through periods that you would not believe but that store Cory Cuomo I knew Cory Cuomo With gentry when we used to fucking party in the building where Holtzman lived with this Try building my building. What's the chick that had the freckles. She was half black So I found myself with that apartment or I was in the night So I'm never forget on a Friday You got your checks at like five That means I'm there at 130. I want to make sure the operation run smooth. They run out of check money Every Friday I'd be there at two. I just sit on the stairs and get sun and drink free sodas That was my thing on Fridays But one Friday I pull up guys and there's like four cases of Jack Another case of some fucking whiskey and beer And that liquor store two blocks up from the store Right on sunset before you hit the shot to Marmont on the corner. There's a big time liquor store now I go if I walk in there with four cases of Jack Daniels on the Friday You're gonna know them. I'm picking some dough up at that moment. I go can't do it. Because the store I'm going to end up just how I did my whole life. If I robbed this, they have a camera somewhere. They're going to see me putting in it. My comedy career is going to ship the pants just like every other career I have out of my life. Because the four cases of fucking Jack Daniels and two cases of Michael O. Plus, so whatever the fuck it was. And that's what I knew. I did everything I could out of that store. Oh, there was a time. You did add everything. When Joey hosted, that was your blow days. And you were so gacked, you would read the list of who's coming up next. But your other hand would just be like, you're like this. I wasn't doing coke on stage. It was in my pocket. Burn the whole. That's what you're like, come on. I want to get to it. When I got to that stage at the end, when I would after listen to the last comic, I had a fucking genius plan. If I just put up the people on the list, I'm going to be there all night, don't do it in the morning. That 25 from making eight and 50 an hour now becomes fucking 250 an hour. Some of the do this correctly. I'm going to call my friends. Me of a dowry. Ari Rogan is some because the original list is hot garbage. Hot garbage. It's employees and loot. No, no, no. This is the regulars at 10. That's what I hosted. And Mitchy would watch the first 15 minutes or whatever. And don't. It was nice. I went up then. We'd lose the room. We'd go from a hot because then they had to watch the open mic. The train rack. Because you'd have Peter Chen going on. All the favors she did. It's like, this guy's going on and let him go on. And it's like, and that's the room he's rehearsing. It's like Eddie Griffin. Eddie, you feel like don't two hours. Come on down. Yeah. And they'd all be there on the list. They'd have their people there. The agents with cameras and shit is that big night and also Eddie Griffin would pull up. Andrew would pull up and Rogan would pull up and dog. You never saw 20 broken hearts like that. All right. And Joey's like, now I got three times in three hours that I got to be back on stage. That gives me an hour back between the cop. Yeah. Pick up a victim, talk, and all this would carry in the kitchen. So what's from 97? Your interior to then. Yeah, from 97 to 2000. I was a man on a fucking mission of that. I took showers in the mornings. When I was homeless, I'd get that 901. The little Mexican doctor, a lot shooting to the main room, fucking lay out, take a shower, drink some soda for breakfast. Got to do what you got to do, brother. God, do what you got to do. He's free soda. You just use that. And that would get that six turni and take another fucking shower in the main room. So I'm tip top McGoo. So the balls are prepared for the evening look. I slept there a lot. Yeah. Come on, dog. That was a fucking, for me, it was a cult. It was all I had. There was nowhere to go. It was a bunch of lost people at just. We had one time. We were like, we saw some, we had this thing we were doing where you were been there. You were been there. You've been there. George, this comedy store. So there's like this runner like thing on the outside, the eye on the outside that goes all the way back to the to the belly room. And you could sit on there. Anyway, we had to clean up like glasses from there and stuff. And one time me and Renazise and probably Ingram, we started like fucking around. We're like, let's, let's do this thing where we just take an actual bottle and like smash it and like in the movies like, I'll fucking kill you. And then we just started setting it up. We're just like, Hey, one of us is going to bump the other as we're walking by. And we just like, you know, we're friends, but no one knows. And it tells there. And he's just like talking. He didn't come much. And I think Renazise and I were like, he like, I'm like, get a fucking problem. And I was like, do you got a fucking problem? I just come the fuck off. And we had Ingram hold me back. And it tells like, you guys are nuts. He just took off the fuck is this. We had fun. We brought, so we, so we figured out once you could take those bottles and where the trash can was in the corner, the dumpster, try to like launch them. And I mean, it was 60 feet and try to get it in the, and some would go in, some would just smash around until we had all the bottles and somebody comes back from the back to recycling, which just this bunch of bottles were like, let's go. We're just throwing them all. Oh, we had a good time there. No rules. No rules. I'm so jealous. It was the best. They called it a dark. They called the dark because there was an audience. But then we got to do whatever we wanted. Bobby Lee was the biggest star in the world because he's making five K a week on Matt TV. How many spots are you guaranteed a week? Me just my employees, but I got four, four to five guaranteed. I always got spots. In fact, I'm still in touch with my favorite fucking talent coordinated. It's got, got day, still in touch with. He's before my time. Did you like him? Well, no, I was before my time. I court court. When I got put on, bro, listen, here's the story. I got to LA. I got home and Latino nights were big. So I snuck in the improv on Latino and a Sunday night, they got me were a suit. When I'm on stage, I saw I didn't have the little top window. And it would slide. I saw the window open and the dude watching me improv at the improv 1997, the first Sunday in town. I got there. Fucking Tuesday. First thing I did. No, I got there. Monday went to alcohol. Got all you can eat buffet for dinner. We were broke and we went to the camp. We went to the comic store. But your buddy, you know, the dirty show upstairs. Ben, what's his name? I get fucked. Fucking the fucking dude that does the opening for Kimmel. Oh Barris. Barris was hosting a Monday night. And I remember I got there. I'm like, hey, I'm Joey Diaz. I will fucking you. But then James Steve was the third walked in. And I had opened from the Seattle. And he stopped and fucked me. And Barris goes, you know him. And I remember going up on a Monday to four people. My heart was broken. But at the same time, comedy stores. I'm used to it because I wasn't one time only. You're going to go up to four people. A lot. Yeah. And I went up there. I went home and I got up to six in the morning and went to the lap pack. Who's there? I did the whole system. And he told me never to come back. That was it. Jamie. Yeah. He goes, you're a cabaret comic. Wow. Las Vegas. Dude, we had, there's a clean cup in her most of beach comedy magic club. There's clean except when Rogan was there. And they told, they told the audience because Rogan's like, we know there's a clean club. Just see everybody about it. Just so you know, this is a dirty show this week. So if you're here for our regular stuff, it's, it's not, it's not that way. Okay. He warned me. Love Rogan. And then probably the two we went twice, you know, one one weekend, another weekend. And then the third we went, they go, yeah, you can't bring Joey. And he's like, why? He's like, it's too dirty. He's like, but I thought you'd tell the crowd and goes, I know we do, but he's too dirty for me. He got some. Rogan ever took the gig again. Yeah. He was like, well, that's that's my last time then. Never took the gig. You stood by me. So he's with a situation that we were building already. We had to be loyal. Yeah. We had the same attitude. We wall chasing the same fucking thing. And just a good, just a good set could call back learn how to do something. You're like, nice, we'll play a joke there. Well, there's nights I would need unless Rogan came when Rogan came. I knew because I could always talk to him and to eat late night at the standard or Thai food. No, he would take me to the yellow spot. Pink that we get Turkey is really from there. Have the nice bread back then with the macaron. That a fucking great meatball sandwich. They got the sandwiches. I know right next to where I left. They had liquor. They had condoms. Everything. It was one stop. He used to come in. Huh? One of the guys is easy top. He used to come in. Yeah. He paid with $2 bills with stamps, eat pussy. He'd stamp eat pussy on the $2 bills and pay every time with $1, $2 bill. It was crazy. But there's a long fucking beer. There's 170. It was like being in the Marines. Yeah, Joe's always good money. Joe was your brother. Come on. Just take the food. No, come on. He's something. And he would take it to the standard. I knew the menu whenever Joe would say you, because I would talk Joe into eating and then he'd go, you hungry. No, no, I ate already. But I know he's gonna go, come on, come with me to eat. Just sit with me and he would get like a cheeseburger, a steak, a lobster tail, after one. And he would, they would make a mean blue cheeseburger. One of the best I have had. You know what? I just realized Joe Rogan ordered like Ralphie May order. Yes. One of each. Pretty much. I just get him. I'll eat some. One of each. Ralphie finish it. But Joey eats some. You know, it's funny. They ordered the same. You know, what the problem with Americans and I want to break it down with you because you'll understand. You know how people set all these seminars up? How to get rich? How to become successful? Start your own business at home, you know. When people get involved in that, have to you pay the guy the two grand or whatever and the council tells you you have all it takes to make two million a year. You know, you do believe it and you don't believe it. In our religion, we saw it. So what? We saw people that had no money and one day overnight overnight. Yeah, it was really overnight. But not overnight, it's like doing well to do it. Ralphie May zero went from living with that fucking apartment with roommates to a fucking, you know, like a fucking place in Beverly Hills. The first apartment during the year we go there with the bar because we're there was a gay to community and he had the fucking pound of weed in the middle. He had the fucking table. And he had a pound of weed and a fucking thing he would invite me over and I'd say yeah go get a soda And I start taking buds. I'd walk out of that buds before on the fucking floor. It was a dog when he hit When Josh Wolfie when he got his first I saw Josh Robert Mike's before right before yeah open open mics at coffee shops the unurban On Pico and fucking right there 405 is he's there and then all of a sudden he's like got a development here's a chunk of money So Ralph outside the improv ones and he it was like new to weed. It wasn't legal wasn't even in stores yet He had a nougat. I'm not lying. It was about this big. It was something to see and he was like all right check this out I was like what the fuck wasn't even smoking just a little bit. I mean, he was literally this big I was like that's the craziest nugget ever seen that's crazy. He goes nah kill that's for you. I was like wait what? This is gonna last me a year dude That motherfucker. Well, I lived in that apartment my wife. We weren't even married. Yeah, I wouldn't have weed was broke Yeah, I couldn't ask my wife to give me 20 bucks for a bag of weed And he would tell me was gonna pick me up at three. I'd be at attention with his suit on And that motherfucker pull up at seven and we go to that weave store in the corner and he was spending two grand Like it was no when he moved to Nashville. He said he said I need Breath strips tutorial pack breath strips. I think 50 each strip. So a hundred total maybe I used to split them But he goes get me I don't have my license anymore because I'm in Nashville get me as many as you can And I was like shy ass for a deal and he goes why do you think I asked you? Yes, get me a deal You can't me as many as you can. Oh, yeah, I got pay full price. She'll fear Where's the weed it's 420? You know, he just see the I still remember George Lopez He could treat me like this on 420. Oh my god. Oh, you're weed. Where's our weed right now? We're smoking we can't smoke on YouTube. They're fucking. I can't sit over there Yeah, but then what are they gonna see the smoke? It's okay. All right look at Lee. He can't even move He hasn't said a fucking peep. I just saw that clip of Lee and major like Even the strong ones did you see the one with me as Jesus put my hand on his head and The Trump picture is something duplicated But that's one thing I'm very proud of what I still remember coming to regular. Yeah, that's they're going on the road in 99 And walking into like the Indiana funny boom And they would give me like a hard time like I'm a communist or regular and no, no, that would just rip out because I was steel The resumes every night the line up the wall. Oh, you're a young kid. That's you. Yeah, you got poor money on that line up You got already fucking should peer whatever's fucking name is you got you got you guys all got me all confused that fucking Shapiro You got all these names on the list that that's you're on with them. So it's like my guess you this is me motherfuckin You're fucking running here, but I'm at the fucking comedy store. So you better recognize bartender Open up a tab on the fucking house You know what I'm saying like that you get that you don't feel that way. You don't talk that way. That's the feeling I'm an LA comic. I do a guest. I was like we're already before like the comedy store and I'm like, oh, all right That yeah, you can do it listen. I just moved to LA And I knew the Tory brothers Nine of my people. Yep, right. He just called me about six months ago to make a video. Got Tory for his son-in-law Ma my son-in-law loves you. Can you call him cock suck on a video and send to me and I go absolutely a Guy Tory was always and you knew Guy Tory before he got American history X. Yes. That's before he got teeth Yeah, he was he was guy Tory. He was a fucking janky tooth. And he is the tree tooth guy Tory was a different man I don't know I mean these guys know this or America knows this Ed Norton came to fat Tuesday to see Friday the guy's Tucker right there. Huh? Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker He saw Joe Tory and gave it to him guy on the guy on the other hand Bruce Willis came to the comedy store to see Eddie Griffith uh-huh, but he gave that role to Chris Tucker on the moon Chris Tucker was on the moral Bruce Willis on the moon and shit That happened when I was there Like I saw these motherfuckers walk in and all of a sudden they're in a big-time movie and Ed Norton's coming to fat Tuesday to watch and perform So from the last factory they were to recruit from Latino night Wow the big brother. They're still in St. Louis running shows. I asked Guy Tory or Joe whenever I see him That's still in St. Louis running that fat Tuesday. We got to get a hook up for that because I love to go see those They were very good to me in the beginning of the day now I think they run something they equivalent to fat Tuesday But those guys took care of me for this you ready for this motherfuckers? Yeah You want to watch? They saw me what are you getting? It's not over there. Oh, all right It's uh I did Latino night on Monday and the other guy with Guy Tory the big guy saw me because they meant I'd like to do fat Tuesday I mean, I'm an L.A. six or seven months When he said fat Tuesday, I worked upstairs In sales remember I poked you that and I would see The guest list Fat Tuesday Back it would change your fuck it every high-level black poet in Los Angeles was there every black director The dude that made that movie was a black night all of them that list was like you look at and go what the fuck They cater it's interesting how each of the black nights cater to a different audience The commissioner fat Tuesday was the upscales scale it was like Singleton and like and like all these super high-level artists and like Shaq and like Lakers will come in and then Till years later, I didn't go to the improv black night on on Monday and I went and there's metal detectors Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like oh, this is hood black. Yeah, it's hood black Yeah, they told chicken wings that you oh my god, it's not yeah, yeah, it's not good. They did they they clear him first But they were there throw it yeah, I never saw I only saw one of those I ate a bag of dicks at the black night. I went the first time on a Monday night and did great So they promoted me to a seven-minute spot. Yeah, here's the clinker it was all superstars It was a superstar lineup that I walked into it was like two comics and then they put on duck a duck standoff Oh, no, you know, and I was gonna fall duck standoff And I didn't care. I was following them at the story in the bag of dick I knew how to follow them because I lead off We're one of his most filthy as jokes So if he ended with something filthy I would zip into that add a tag for that Thank Doug standoff and run with it if I got him there would be no thank duck standoff Because I knew I was never gonna get him again. Why pause right duck standoff goes in there And he just wasn't getting him. He just wasn't getting him. So what does he do? He doubles down He tells the joke about it's easier to get away Was like you anyway at the end of that joke it was the end word Yeah And you can tell I know duck standoff enough he's so quick that as one joke's getting like a b-mine is whatever he goes He's doing he's almost like pausing time and going which way should I go with this now like a get him back Like it's like a chance or I could punish them And he'll hold aside every time and he started saying that shit This sucker got up in the back Those get that motherfucker get that white boy off the stage and people in conjunction get him off the stage My boy got up there. Let's keep him going for Doug standoff Crickets coming to the stage my Cuban home boy Joey Diaz boom. Hey, how you guys doing? Rickets Rickets Rickets I could ward I could hear what the waitress Was getting the order and let me get a bloody marry the order chicken wing here the pencil I walked out of there and I went on the road Can't see me again woke me that hard But the funniest ever was right the storm of Tuesday night waiting for that Olden on to the audience because if there was no eight people you wouldn't get paid 11 o'clock Oh, yeah, and everybody would go to other bars So the original room would be empty Everybody knew on the strip don't go to the county store on Tuesday night It's black night, but it was fun. It was fun like they shot people there years before like Tupac got into a shoe that there was still yeah, the manager had he had his head down with their foot on his neck and like And then that that somebody had I think I didn't grip it. I'm like these cool. Please don't shoot him Yeah Yeah, one time earthquake saved me. Oh, yeah, I was uh, I was uh, you think earthquake wouldn't save me in Los Angeles But this is the man and not the not the event. I was sometimes they played the music so loud in the front bar You could hear it on stage and it just bugs me the pet peeve like you're messing up the show the show should be untouched So they're partying the front blasts on music. I'm like what the fuck so I come running down in a kind of a huff And I was like hey turn this music down like it's coming through and I I guess two brothers were like, I had just been like, "Hey, turn this up, we like this song." And they just see some white guy going, "Hey, turn their music off." And they, I kind of half saw it after a second. Like, you know, when you realize like, "Oh, that just happened." I was walking back and they started coming at me and then earthquake goes, "No, no, he's cool, he's cool." And they were like, "All right, shit." And I was like, "Wait, what just happened almost?" They were like, "They were ready to fucking kill me, dude." And it was my first time in a fat Tuesday, leaving this shit in your pants. I'm doing comedy seven and a half years. I'm a regular at the store, I'm eating shit. Two nights a week. You know, you got to follow Dom O'Revra or he changed the mile. And he invites me to do fat Tuesday, early, 8/15. I'm in and out of there, $35 cash. Fucking, I walk in there and I'm in the green room and they're talking about a guy coming in with a wheelchair. Right? I'm like, "Who the fuck?" Like that making room for a guy in a wheelchair. And finally, the show started. I lost my thought. I was just focused on doing well. I had a 10 minute spotlight. Like, I was banking my life out. One of these producers were gonna see me and put me in the next big black movie and shit. I go up there, Lee, and I'm rocking. I'm done black room before. And I didn't know how to deliver my material back then, but I knew how to chuck and jive. I went to prison, I knew the jokes were hit. I did well up to the seven minute mark. And then I could feel that the chuck and jiving was enough. You've got to get 'em. But I look over the main room to this Mitsy's chair. You know the whole of the guy in the wheelchair was? We'd reach your priors, and my heart just dropped. And what I had stopped the show. And I go, "Listen, man, the reason why I'm in here is because of was it something I said?" He was like, "I fucked up already." And then when I got off, he shook my hand. I just walked out and I was like, that was my fat Tuesday story. And he put me back on two or three other times of that. - And it just, I'm like, I don't feel, and this is nothing against where I perform, but I've never felt like I've had a home. - No, you're like that I could be like, "No, but like, didn't you have spots every night?" Well, it was a home. No other comic in L.A. really had it, except a few guys of the factory, you know, but really it was like, it was at home. - Like, when you would get to L.A. on their way back, you'd drive back from San A. You'd get back at like one A.M. from doing spots. - Right. - Get back when I'm like, let's go to the store. I'm not going to bed. Let's go to the store, there's to be somebody there. You know, and then you would, and you stayed till three. Smoking, drinking, or neither, just hanging out. I got a job of selling screws and nuts on an eyeball. I had to be there four in the morning, 'cause there was seven in the morning in New Jersey. And I would sell the contractors in New Jersey. They bought breakfast. I would go in there coming down from a Coke fucking, like, I would snort and stop at two, and walking in there at 405s, still twitching and shit. And I would send facts, and that's how I started going on the road. I would work four to 11, and after nine, I wouldn't do anything. I was just putting my schedule on, and faxing the comedy clubs. Whether I work them or not, I just sent them from some book. Da, da, fax, hey, I found out the name of the manager, and every morning, I would send out an awesome one day, I started getting fucking faxed back. Hey, are you available? And I went to the comic strip, and I'll pass, though. That's where I learned all that shit. And from there, I took off on the road, because I learned how to had feature weeks, and guess what? I'm at the comedy store. Have you got an MC week for me with a hotel? I'll take the $200. I'd rather have 200 in Coke anyway. If I'm 100 in Coke, 400, I'm gonna do Coke with it anyway. That was the mentality. I was gonna be the best comic I could, and that's what I taught you. - Yeah, I taught you that. You also taught me to watch you, Joey. It was like, you were the most, actually, you and Paul, they were like the most like yourselves on an offstage. There was like almost no real difference, and everyone else had a little bit of a, to be too insulted, but like an act. You know, they put on some airs, and you were just like the same guy. You were talking, saying this shit, and then you'd be like, Joey, you're on, and I was like, oh, excuse me. And you just continue the story up there. And you watched that was a young, has that like a brand new comic? You'd be like, I think that's why she set it up. Who was like, watch these guys, who does stuff well, look who does stuff bad, learn from the bad ones and the good ones, and everyone did one thing better than anybody. You know, the way Barris would like, get a late night crowd, just get 'em, you know, grandmothers and like hood people, and he would get 'em all together. He would go to like, legitimately, someone brought their grandmothers on. She was like 70, and he goes, look at you dirty little sleigh. That was the craziest thing. He goes, you filthy little pig. And she was like, oh my God. And I'm like, what a chance you took, and he knew how to do it. Oshak had the best writing, and you were the most like yourself, and you watched these guys. And you're like, what the fuck? Let me tell you the education I got. Okay, and I was trying to explain this to Lee. I hope I explain this again. And this is for anybody who does anything. How many Sunday nights did I host in front of him? - I'm billion. - And then she would catch me bomb in the main room from time to time. I never really bombed in the original room. But think about in your world, in your world, like the Arabs believe, if they stab a Jew, they get 82 virgins, right? And that's their world. I'm never gonna change that. But in my world at that time, I had no family, I had no kids, she fucking left. I was living on a floor, an apartment, all that had, was that comedy store in Mitchie Shore. Me a day on the way home, my daughter was crying after a sore throat game, and I held her hand. I go, I remember still crying, leaving the comedy store, thinking, I'm never gonna get another spot there again. I had to follow Rogan or Paul Mooney, or some David Tal. And after sitting next to her, it was a confidence that I rose, you know what? I ain't got time to go out of line no more. I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. And don't worry, I'll fit the fucking 45 minutes. I don't know what I'm gonna say. I ain't fucking getting 400 a week from you no more. I lifted myself. - 'Cause she made you want to get out of it. - Dog, think about you having to perform in front of the president every week for 20 weeks. How much confidence do you have? Well, it's a bunch of rough nicks out there, bitch. I performed for fucking the president and the other long-haired fucking vampire every week. I do what I want. What is fucking you to judge me? Like I got to that point. Like I dare you to come up to me and say something to me about material. Because I'm running at this share at the store in front of Mitchie Shore. And she ain't got a problem with it. And you know, you better, and that's why I started accepting the dirty stuff. You know, when you, if you're on the fence, you're not gonna become a comic. Pick your fucking battles. Are you gonna be clean, be clean? - She never cared about dirty, too. - No, not a thing. - Pushed the envelope in front of him. - One way or the other, she didn't give a shit. - She didn't give a fuck as long as they laughed. - Go do well. - If she gave you suggestions, she was like, I don't, she's pretty much her going. I don't know what's going wrong. Thumbs up. Maybe, I don't know, we're a suit or like, but she's like, I don't know. It's just the reality is it's not working. Make it work. And if you made it work, she was fine. And it was just like, yeah, there was no pretense about clean, left wing, right wing. You know, social, the family. And then none of it mattered. Just go be funny. And you go on after like, super clean comics, super dirty comics, you just find your own land. - It's fine. There's the idiots that have to leave early. Have to do another spot at the improv. You gotta stay, you gotta drink. You get your dicks up. They're still talking to someone. - No way. - They didn't want to follow you. - She didn't work. - It's cool. - No. - You got tortured. - You got to get up early. - You just weren't allowed. - It's dirty and he talks and, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - You going up son? Shoot to do your 1030 at the improv. - Yeah. - But those said he and come and go later. - The fucking mechanics of it. The fundamentals, the whole, she had once, and I was working with Duncan was gone of vacation. And I saw his own land on his with her. And she had, she had a tonnally Davis. It's a little person. Comedian, funny. - And I'm paid by the car, I told Lee. And she rolled under, it went right over. - Yeah. - Poor Tonya, Lee. - But I got to become a friend on Facebook. - Holt's been hated, Holt's been hated following her. He just was like, it's up. He's saved to circus act and I hate it. They're not, they're laughing at physical stuff and not I hate. Anyway, so I'm making the line up. She goes, okay, how about Argus at 915? Then this guy, this guy. All right, 1030, Tonya Lee Davis. And then something else 1045, then Holt's been. And I was like, oh, I thought you like putting Holt's went after Tonya Lee Davis. And she goes, what do you mean, why? And like, because he said he hates it. And I thought, I thought you like, isn't that what you should do? She was, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, switch it. (laughing) Once I actually, I was trying to get her to come down for a showcase, so she was sick now. She was getting old and sick. She kind of fell off to it. I'd go over there. She'd be watching the news all day at 8 o'clock on Sunday. Thank you. just switched to the Simpsons if we're not gonna fucking go. Don't touch my TV. I'm going to the fucking kitchen then to watch. But anyway, she was like, I don't know if I feel like I'm like, "Mitsy, come on, you'll feel better. You'll go down there, you'll crush some people's dreams, and you'll come home." And she goes, "Yeah, let's do that." Yeah, she was like, "That is good." One time we had a meeting when I was doing the webpage, and she was talking about the old days. She goes, "They all get paid in checks now. The old days, they got paid in cash, and the coke dealers would be there. They get paid in their cash, they go right to buy coke." And I was like, "Oh, yeah, she goes, "Yeah, now they just go home and watch TV." That was way worse than doing blow. I still remember every time I did some, and she would never get mad at me. She'd always asked me for my opinion on the matter. Like, can I talk? You know, she would talk to me. Like, I was off the hook. Like, nobody's gonna say nothing to me. And then she go, "You can't take your balls out of the stage. No wall. Okay." That's another thing. People go, "Oh, you took your balls out. I am honoring my teacher, Joey Diaz. It is the way I pay tribute to the people that came before me." The first. Joey would fucking go like this with a dirty towel that the Mexicans used in the back fucking. He'd go, "Get it." He'd go, "Don't, don't, don't." And he'd go like this. He'd just shake his pants. They couldn't hold up over that belly. And they'd just plop out the Cuban egg roll. The best thing I ever did is where it was. Judy Canciotti was on stage on a Tuesday night. And she's bombing. And I would take my clothes off behind the curtain. And every time she cracked a joke, I go, and I closed the curtain up. And she thought she was going to round. I'd be balls out, making back that. She ended up suing the store. She stood the store. Wow. She stood the store because of barris and all that shit. But still, the psychology. That's so funny. The following, I hated following Domorello and AJ Jamal. And she would put me behind them every Saturday night. And it was like driving to get shot. It was like, I'd be on sunset, passing the hot dog stand going, why am I going here? This isn't the right order. But it's just like, yeah, this doesn't matter tonight. It's like we were talking about with softball. Where it's like, if you're playing on your middle school team, take some chances. If you're playing in the away league, that's when you got to play your position. We'll play out of your position on a day. It doesn't. She's like, these days don't matter. I'm going to put you on after someone tough. Sanchez said that. She made him follow dice for a year. Dyson, he's pretty kind of his prime. And he goes first. I was like, I guess I should try to be extra dirty to follow that dirty. It didn't work. It was an in-act try for another few months. Let me try to be extra clean. Maybe that'll work. Didn't work. And then he finally goes, I'm just going to be funny. And then he figured that out. Yeah. You said it's going to be you in three minutes. It'll be you. My assignment was Sundays. She would give me a spot in one days, maybe. Two days, she tried to stay out of the store. I need a cocaine. I need to get the front money. Maybe I'd find the cell phone. Wednesday, she always gave me, always gave me Thursday. And then two spots, you know, the main and that movie. She loved you. I loved her. I loved her because she got me. She didn't try to touch you, your personality at all. She tried to brain you in. And that was the deal. Came in one night late with Paul. I remember Paul when he walked in there one night with Sophia Lorenzo. But no, no, not Barbara Streisand. But the one that was with Sinatra that he told her to get a hang of when she was pregnant. Elizabeth Taylor. He walked in there with Elizabeth Taylor. And Luca came in with Sophia Lorenzo. Alaka. Yeah, she used to fucking go to that pizza place. They walked in there as a Italian beauty dog. I was like, what? I saw a lot of late night freaks in there. What? What were you saying? She let you be you. She would make me go, how many nights are going to keep bombing after Paul Mooney? Wow. That's always like a fucking, that's like my whoop watch. You run 11 miles, you get off excellent job. But you could have ran 18. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck you and your fucking messy. How long? Maybe switch it up. Yeah. How long? And it was so it was like magic. I don't know what the fuck she was doing. Eventually figured. Yeah. And even the people who didn't get it served a purpose. It's like the Indian uses every part of the buffalo. The people who would just garbage and ever knew it got a lot of spots. Like this guy said that person would drive us. Like this guy gets spots. This guy fucking shocks. Why can't I get a spot? And he was just like, I got to get better. So that awful comment would make all of us raise our game. It was pretty wild. It's like, either he's going to succeed or he's going to make all these people succeed. I figured out following Paul Mooney, my material without the window. Interesting. First off, it's 12, 15. It's late. Whatever nine or 13 people there, they've heard everything already. They were probably at a club, trying to eat some pussy and they got turned down. And that's why they crossed the street and shame. You know, and came in here. You don't know who's in there 1130 12. So I learned how to go up behind them with number one energy. You better get Jeff Scott. But a piano. You come up there dancing, crack a joke about Ricky Ignatius sucking dick on the other guy. Boom. Wow. You got a different have energy. Whatever joke you wrote, that was brilliant at 830 at the coffee shop. That's your idea. Forget it. Going to work at 1215 following Paul Mooney. Yeah. Why are you referring to that notebook at 1215? Take that notebook and shove it up your ass. Rip it in half. Ain't nothing going to work in there. You got to survive. You learn with 80% of people are what at 1215? Hello. Hi drunk retarded. They're just sitting there with the girlfriend because she was, this is fun. And the guys that they worked all day. So what are you doing at 1215 going up there trying to be Johnny Clausen dog? This is when they need Joey Diaz on the corner outside of hashways with eight motherfuckers in the middle. And you're just dropping them. Look at this fat fuck getting off the bus. Look at this ugly fat motherfucker. You know, that's what they wanted at 1215. And from there, you put together an actor. Yeah, right. You maybe get a joke here. Maybe say something on the spot that can turn it to a joke. Maybe what's going on? Lee, it's all on. Look at me. Yeah, we hit you in the head. He's all about taking over the bus. And yeah, two things I want to drop. Number one, if you think what I'm talking about is bullshit, go to the commie store. We'll get you a meeting and ask them to bust out the archives of the people who were regular as this 19. And you're going to see they all went into either stand up calmly. Tom, thanks. What did he become? A pedophile. Tom Hanks coach, who was coach Andy Garcia started as a phone guy. Rosie O'Donnell was there. It's like the fucked up foot in a water. But one of those Adam Sandler movies here. The he had the frozen foot, the turn black. Not the. Yo man. Latina. That old dude. Yeah. That's an all about him. Sandler's movies. That dude is from the fucking commie store. The dude that's they'll work there. They perform there. The son of law in the movie with Clint Eastwood that fucking. He hates Chinese people. Oh, yeah. The one he torches the little Chinese guy next door. Yeah, the Cambodians. That dude is straight. I mean, how many start doing. And then let's talk about Robin Williams and fucking all the grikiness in and all those people and it's a legacy. And you're on the same stage with them and they haven't even fucking cleaned it. So you're, you know, you're on there. And we're doing guys. We're doing stuff. I mean, I've gotten my dick sucked on that stage during the show. It's not even a, it's a it's crazy nights. It happened. There was some porn star. There was like, I'm going to, we had a big dick contest. She let me, I'll, I'll judge. It bears like, how are you going to judge? She goes my mouth. I'm like, okay. It's eight people in the audience. They're like, this is standup. I'm like, not really. I don't know. No one's here to fire us. And you'd learned how, you'd learn, get it, you just get a spine. You'd learn how to survive in those moments. And it wasn't about, it wasn't about your materials about what you're going to do with it later. I saw Steve Simone once, go on after Louis K in about 2015. This is prime Louis. Nobody knows Steve Simone. Even now, he isn't my storytelling show the end. Get it right now at our shipper.com. But he went on to, after Louis K did 20 minutes, just crushed. And then Steve gets on. And I'm like, what's going to happen here? This is, this is the whoops. He's, and he does this thing where he goes, oh my god, Louis K everybody. I was like, okay. They all clap and he goes, isn't that crazy? I'm, and then he goes, I was in the back. I was like, I can't believe this going on. We all got to see that. And then that crowds instead of like talking about they just saw, he's like, oh, he's going to lead us to talk about what we just saw. And he goes, you didn't know you were coming. Did you know you were coming out for that? No, it's great. Stuff happens, guys. Stuff happens when you just like, go out and try. And then he like slowly moved into his material. He got him so hard. He got a standing ovation after Louis K as a nobody stood him up on his own on town alone. And then like three or four years later, I had to follow Dave Chappelle and his pride. And I was like, I'm doing that. And I'm like, can you believe it? And then like five minutes in, I'm making fun of the way he holds a cigarette like a fucking first-time smoker. And now they're, I got him. And I'm like, I learned from Steve, like how do you follow these guys? That they're just wanna see him back. And it's like, oh, you gotta be with the crowd for a minute. They just learn technique. They'll help you, Marilyn Martinez said it the best. 'Cause the order of us showing that on the road, it's the wrong order. Opening is the hardest. That should be the headliner. He's the most equipped. But they give it to the least equipped. Give it to some four-year comic. They can't ignore any handle that. And that's what it's all about. So he had to rise at the top in tough moments. It was crazy. It was a crazy place. It was a crazy fucking place. I still remember waking up on a floor and Ralph, he's a parliament hung over, maybe $1.30 in your pocket. No money in the bank, fucking. You know when you wake up, you take a (laughing) you take like a moment and you open your eyes and you thought about what really happened last night. And you're like, yeah, you have ketchup on your shirt and all that. You went to eat at four in the morning at that place. My point is like, I wake up now. Like when I was doing it on Ralph's floor, I'd wake up and go, what the fuck am I living? What is this life? This can't go on. I don't know what this is. I gotta wake up now. Get dressed, leave without Ralphie hearing me. Try to clip a dollar from him. 'Cause in those days, there was no money. Hopefully Ralphie got a 10 in the dollar. He won't miss the dollar. And I could go to the gas station and get a lot of his shoes and start my day from there. Maybe I go steal a pack of cigarettes at the gas station. And that was my day. You knew where all the deals were, you knew where the best. You moved to Hunter Point, set it off now, Rosy. Like the walk, the walk, it's right there. They asked for the fucking meal deal that'll last you three days. And during acting class, I told you, I took you to a place on Santa Monica on the corner. This is 98, 2000, 2001, Ari. I was going to a vanitubic and I would take the 10 to 12 class. And before you went to the county store, we would meet on the corner and there was, or you could eat. The all you can, Chinese store with sleeve, wishes you could be at right now. Joey Diaz could make it all you can eat. Map of Los Angeles from. Oh my God, because we were poor. You know, six dollars is, you have McDonald's had a 29 cent hamburger day and a 39 cent cheeseburger day. Some days and Wednesdays, I forget which was which. Those are my days. Five cheeseburgers, please. Yeah, Wendy's bacon. No, no, no, the other cheeseburger they had. It was 50, 60 cents and a bowl of chili. That was my lunch. Spread the word because I could borrow two bucks. And you get all the Coca-Cola's you could drink at the comedy store. You got a small coke. And then if you dose to you, you walk to the comedy store. Those were calories. And you can sit there all day drinking ginger ale, cherries from the fucking thing. Huh. So this show that got released last week. What made you want to do this again, brother? Oh, my show. It's our HBO. I was like, what? I gotta get on this. I'm always looking for new recommendations. No, it was, you know, it was, it was just already storytelling show for a while. We named it. This is not happening. You've done a ton of them. Then we did it on television. And then the fucking, this goddamn content of an industry, the fucking took it away from me. Yeah. I sold a special Netflix comedy central to whatever, whatever, who gives a fuck anymore. But it didn't end the right way. You know how breaking bad ended the right way and six feet under ended the right way. And other shows just kind of ended. Yeah, they did it on their terms. They wrote out the ending and he went to fucking, he goes, I don't want to be here for the end of this. Game of Thrones into the wrong way. It just kept going. And I was like, I got to end this the right way. So I was like, you know, it's enough is enough. The gurus like, I'll help you. I got a whole, I got a whole, you know, employee group that will help you because the show is big for him. The show is big for you. Ali Miss Pat, you know, you're a fucking Mount Rushmore story teller comment. There was that thing of like, so people would ask me to the like, I would go over the stories with comics when we were doing this, not happening. This is a completely unrelated show at the end. It's available now at Ari Shafir.com. But I would go over people, people like, come see my story. I'm going to run it on stage. I'm like, Oh, I'll come down there. I'll work with you. I'm not a producer, but I'm a comic and I'll help you. And we do it every month at the improv that I would start. You did the first one we ever did in the back, the back side room of the intro. The Pink Floyd story. You, Mark Marin, Steve A.G., Medonia, talking about getting fucked up on mushrooms and running up, found them with no clothes on, getting arrested, carbon, he was a great one. And they were kind of because he was so fucking wild with stories. There was no place for that on stage, on regular stage, no place, but eventually it became like a little bit more of a thing. And I would go work out with people, but people asked me like, well, do you go over joy ideas, the stories of them, I go, no, he's proven. Also when you do the Zerida story, I think it was called something like a funeral, yeah. I figured they'd title it. They didn't always title them right, they fought me sometimes on titles, but the Zerida story, you were like, I'm only going to run, I'm only going to go over the first part, the second part, I don't want to, I'm not going to go over, I don't want to have ever said it before. Okay. But you're like, the first part, I'm going to run the joke joke parts about what happens at a Cuban funeral. Those are worked out like jokes, part of the story describing setting up a scene the way prior would it caused me would, you know, setting up a scene. And then it got like serious and they think there was no place for that to stand up back then to go serious and not in an intentional way. The way Edinburgh hours do like, let me go serious. You were like, you were going serious the way me and Big J and you even like do dirty. We're like, guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to do this. It's just coming out. I get if you walk out like, no, you're not wrong. You should probably leave. This is disgusting. I can't help it. And that's how that serious was and that Zerida story was so, and it was like, I haven't had to go on after that. I was hosting. It was a cheater. I couldn't even speak for a while. I was like crying. I was like, teared up and crying and I was like, joy, it is one of the times. And then I had like, wait for the applause to go up because I couldn't go. Now let's be honest here, yeah, man honest, in hindsight, you know, all my special sucked because I had a showcase, the material dog again, we're going to go back to this movie. Yeah. Because the guy did a tremendous job and I read on it for years, why and how I even read Jack Nicholson's, Jack Nicholson's video on it. He would not learn his lines until the day of and he would read them once and he got fucking the sketch about on Sinai Live. He would scotch tape the lines, Marlon Brando, for all those scenes in the Godfather, whatever the hotel, the Regency and all those guys are standing, they have footage, like not footage but pictures of what it really looked like. The hotel in Cuba. No, no, no, no, when they went to the hotel in the city, you know, if anybody should hurt my son. Yeah, okay. Oh, if I, he gets hit by a bolt of lightning, then I will blame some of the people in this room and that I will not, that's a brilliant thing. He did that looking at him. They show him, they shoot him looking like that with his arms folded. For me, while when I'm reading, he's just, he's got the sign on him that says the lines and big fucking words, like you have to do it Lee right now, like just, haha, haha, it's my boy, for 20 motherfuckers, 24/20. So he would do that because it wanted it to be organic and I'm going to be on it. You are organic. So I'm talking about you. So for that stories, for those stories, anybody can make you laugh. Let's see if I can make you cry and fuck with you a little bit. Well, so you challenge yourself, but first you did just make him laugh at first. You beating up a nun, you're like that. That's just funny. It's hilarious. You're a punk fifth grader, whatever. Now let's suck them in. Let's tell him the underbelly, but that's you going, I've done this enough. I want to learn this part of my game. I want to learn a different part. It'd be like Shaquille and he'll go like, I'm going to, you're going to see me next year's hit in threes, you'd be like, what the fuck you talking about? How organic it was. When I did, there was two stories that I have to look at myself and go, Joey, that was a therapy session because the time I talk about hitting the nun, you know, listen to what I say before that. I never even thought about that before I got on stage. I could swear to my daughter, I never talked about that pain that had been in me since 1973. My dad had died, Bruce Leah died, you know, there was Shaquille going out in my house. My mother had Shaquille going out at the bar, and I was the only white kid in all black karate school. I get kicked in the stomach every other week. How do you think I fucking felt at that time of my life? How do you think I fucking felt? And that came out. So I said a line in the nun story that when I think about it, I got to hold my stomach. I was not on the agenda, that was what, and that's when I go to Puerto Rican kid, a little Roberto Clemente looking motherfucker. When I said that, look at the react, I was in shock, they even knew who Roberto Clemente was. I was in shock, but there was so many. Sometimes before I go, I have to do a big show and I'm nervous, I'll put what's happening on. And I'll watch what happened, how I got them to suck in. I did that awesome consciously, man. I wish I could tell you I was prepared for those. I knew where the story started, and I knew where it was going to end, whatever came out in the middle. Well, that was you being you, that wasn't the, I wouldn't call it shucking, but it was like, it was you just be trusting yourself and you, it was, it was like, you could just trust it. People like, how come you don't go? Like, because he's a master. So of course he does wherever the fuck he's proven it. So yeah, I don't. First of all, I lived the story. Yeah, so it's not I wrote this fucking, but this is nothing to script, there's no script. There's the beginning, the middle and the end. No, but it's also how you say it, what analogy you're making. You know, when I take you and that's the right, a cemetery, you can see I can't control myself. For as the end, I'm living it. Well, because also you do, I only need three motherfuckers to survive. Don't, I'm breaking down inside. But it was like, this isn't what it's crazy about it. You start with this hilarious, like, let me tell you about a Cuban funeral. How everybody's doing whatever, and going nuts, and overboard crying, giving out, get it, whatever. And then you say, like, how this lady took care of you. So you set up this like mom figure, really, she became your mom. And then almost any other great comic, the story ends with Zerida dying. No, I don't know if she died. I don't know if she died. But I'm saying that's what would be. What you did is you moved it to, I'm a piece of shit. This lady took care of me, and I'm a piece of shit. I abandoned her in her lowest moment after she took me in, and I wasn't even her fucking kid. You made it somehow, not about yourself, but like, yeah, you weren't condoning any of your behavior. You were like, that's bad. And you were like, this level of regret that anyone can relate to on moments you just can't get back. And you just have to live with failure. And that's what life is. Just living with like, I'm not gonna ever be able to correct that. It's not like I missed a shot in game seven. Next year we'll be back, I'll get my chance. You'll never get another chance. We've all had those moments where you will never get another chance to correct it. And it'll just make you a stronger person as it makes you a weaker person. 'Cause you're like, that's so much story. Yeah, it made me really fucking strong. Because that's what happened. People want the truth. This is what fucking happened. I was so caught up in that Miami run in California and my uncle that I was so ashamed to call her, to tell her what, I couldn't lie to her. The teller was really going on. That's why I didn't tell him the story. She came from my mother's cut out of the street. I couldn't call her up and go, this is what's going on. She was not accepted. So I waited until I got cleaned off Coke for maybe four weeks. So I could call her honestly. And that's what happened. She went off on me for not being there. And I remember just dropping the phone because she wasn't lying to me. She was not lying. I fucked up and I can't bring it back on them. I'm broke. I'm living off people's fucking couches. So that's how the story ended. And talk, every time I come up here and I have to drive downtown, I think about the ride on Sundays. When I go to get the Alpine show, I don't go there to fucking eat the piece of meat. I go there to fucking remember when I would meet the ride on that corner, every Sunday. And I look at the bar on the bus us being outside and taking pictures and shit. So I tried to honor her with this. Tell 'em the story. Tell 'em what really fucking happened. She was a hell of a woman and it put me up there to knowing what a real woman is the rest of my life. We're not looking for the pretty one. Anybody can get a pretty girl. We're looking for the one that has got a gun next to you. She was one of those bitches. So, 'cause anybody can be good to you when you're alive. But once you die, are they gonna come to your house and give you a kid a $50 bill on Christmas? No, just another Hollywood icon on that. It was a shame. - It was a shame. - What the fuck did you do? - Yeah, I didn't know. For years, you took money out of his fucking pocket with a story teller show, whatever the fuck. And now you can't take care of the kid. And that's how I feel about our friend. Do not mention his name. The big guy, you know, that I would love to give back everything that he gave me, coming up. Because let's face it, if it wasn't for Rogan, Ralphie, it was like three guys, man, you, this friendship saw low, me borrowing $200. And you're saying, I'm never gonna see that $200 again. - He was like, all right, come on, come on, come on 200 bucks. I was like, I mean, I had these savings that were going down and I didn't know how to say no to 'em. I've told you this before. I'm like, all right, for 200 bucks, I guess I'll never have to loan him more money. But I'm not, this guy is a criminal. And no one's helping me out here saying, hey, don't do that. I'm just a kid. I'm like, okay, and then the next day, here you go. I'm like, what? Here you go, back. Oh, wow. How you doing, man, I'm already. And then came tight on Rogan thing. And then one day, I'm like, hey, man, I call you up. And I'm like, hey, man, I got a borrow of buck 50 for me. Like, hey, come over. He goes, I'm auditioning for a commercial. In fact, there's a roll here for you. You want me to call the Korean guy? And I go, yeah, yeah, he goes, come on down. I'll give you the money and audition. Boom, I nailed the roll. That's how I got with Lawrence. Lawrence called me because you got representation. I've been trying to nail you for years, I go, wow. Boom. Did I have a joke in my juice special? That's coming out, actually. They're putting on Netflix. That juice special. There's a joke of like, we're the second smartest race in the world, juice of the second smartest race in the world. And then I realize the audience, like one of who's first, I'm like, Korean. I'm thinking about Lawrence. I'm thinking about Lawrence Harder. He was a fucking baller. But yeah, but seeing you on those shows, doing stories like that, you and Jay and Pat and Ali and Sean Patton, and then everybody too. Some of the guys had one great story, but like seeing these mad, these Hall of Famers doing it. And it was just like, I mean, it was my show, but also I was an audience member. I bring you up, then I watch. And so I'm telling you, I was crying after I brought you up. I was like, Joey, and then I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk, dude. You're gone. And I'm telling you, like, I wanted to do that again. I wanted to do it again. So it's like, fuck, I don't need comedy centrally more. I'll just pay for it. We'll just do it. Me and Eric Abrams, the ones who did the show before, the girl loaned us a little bit of extra money and helped us and like, yeah, we did it. All right, commit for the second season, you were trying, trying your best, your knee fell off. I'm happy. It's 420. It's a. 420. Look at Lee. He's all 420 up. He just nodded into the microphone. It woke. So fuck. That's the best things. It's a twitch episode when he fell asleep on the camera. You got no dates coming up. I got. I'm doing a storyteller show in the Netflix festival May 7th. That's it. That's fucking it. Until January. Well, also among Legion of Skanks every Monday. Okay. We for life. And then you leave in May and you come back, come back right afterwards. We'll hang out. You'll be in the movie after that. Yeah. I want to do a co-headlining show with you in a theater in Manhattan, like a six week series. We could possibly do it at the Sony theater at C-500. We could pay to other comics, come up with us, you know, one of the girls, some of the guys that you know, you know, and do an old school on a payment blow. No, we can't pay people. What? Now we're talking about the old days. You got me locked in. No. It got me locked in. I'm too old right now to pay in prison because I gave some 20 year old. Some fucking powders in New York. Let's just keep it to the comic. Yeah, I'm joking. Fucking make flyers like we did the Castro shirts with Danielle, who on the back, you know, let's go. Let's go. We got to fucking listen. My dream was to take over the boroughs, you know, Castro did. He took over the provincias, little by little. I think over the main borough, let's take over Jersey and we took over Staten Island. We took over Brooklyn, Nexus Queens, and after that, we head into the city by that time or you'll be back, my leg will be ready and we can do something crazy. I don't give a fuck if I get arrested. I didn't get arrested for words. Let's do letty Bruce, you know, let's go get arrested for words. Let's go fucking do it like an eight city tour. We'll take Lee. He's the fucking king of swing up front. Yeah. We'll get three Jews and a kid fall asleep in front of us. Why is the aim to get arrested, though? We got to make a kind of aim for it. You want to leave something behind for your kids to be. That's the way you prove it. You want to hit one over the fence. You don't want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy brother and sometimes if you got a drive with a flat tire for three days, so be it in there. It's a rental car. No fucks. You sign the agreement. No. That's what I'm talking. It's not comedy. It's a state of mind Lee. It's a state of mind. All that confusion, you're going to write some of the best material you've ever written in your life. - Yeah. - There's no fuckin' - Sink or swim. - There's no nice hotels, it's super. super rates, you get the little towel and they smell like, you know what? So what? That's what a tour is at the end and call it though. That's it. If I make it out of this tour, I'm lucky. This is when you just hung a niche and go, I don't know. How about the itola committee? The comedy. Who's this ito? He's not like a little committee. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. The different. I'm kept up with a missile. That's nice. And everybody holds them one of a machine gun and yeah, who whippin' us while we shoot people. Look, I'll put out my legs, your curls. We make videos of us helping that and yeah, who hold people that you want to see that. And you still doing a podcast now? You took a breather. No, travel podcast. When you did your place here last time, you'd be tripping. That was fun. Doing a lot of them. Fun. I recorded a year ahead of time before I went on vacation before I went traveling. I got a year's worth ahead of time. So I was off in fucking Brazil party in Carnival and my podcast was still coming out. So I was eating steaks and Buenos Aires. My podcast was still coming out. This for you young comics at home and Lee and everybody. Ari and I had a conversation about 10 years ago. Here we are with CAA, the world's number one agency. And me and Leo, like, what the fuck is going on? Nothing's going on. We just keep going on the road. And it was funny. At one point I go, you know? We always thought that when we got with a big agency, you could just sit back and smoke cigarettes. But no, you still got to have some more of that stuff, yeah? Because now they put you in the A league for sure. You've been walking around in the A league mentally. And Johnny Menzel was fine in high school when he got to the pros. It was game over. You got to try. You got to try it. Yeah. And it was really weird that we would say, we would sit behind those comedy store steps at two in the morning and devour your dreams for each other. Yeah. Man, I can't wait. Well, I'm never going to get bumped by any gripping again. I can't wait to get with C.A. And it should not gonna happen. It's all you just learned to lessen. And guess what? You could be with it. Two of the best agents in the world. You still got to have some. Yeah, you got to make your own way. You got to make your own fucking way. Well, yeah, lucky. Our agent was with somebody else. Then C.A. lost half their agencies over a night one day. And then they asked our guide, like, do you want to be and me and Joy were like, so what does that mean for us? And it goes, it means you're with C.A. I'm like, what the fuck? Like a feeling like that. We didn't get signed with them. What? We went from up to the county style. To the back door. Yeah. To the back door. To the back door. Just like that. And I kept my mouth shut. I hinted once or twice about the fucking theatrical. They shut me down. I'm like, you know what? Whatever, whatever. I don't give a fuck, Jay. I'll get to them. Cause they're like the mafia dog. You got to show up every piece. Yeah. And I sent it quick. When I land, that's the first check my right. They got the commission Tuesday. I don't want any problems at the time. Keep him happy. I don't want any problems. When you hold them, they, it's not good. They're the Jews. They're the real deal. And that's why I'm with them. I love them to death. No complaints here. But it's funny that we're with the best agency. It's still going to work. Still got to get up every morning. Like your balls on fire. Even more than when you were 26 or 27. So if you're an open mic and you think you're working now. And oh my God, I can't wait to get the easier bitch. At the 30 year mark, you're still waking up, eating cereal going. What am I going to do? Am I end up on a ship or playing the ukulele? It's somebody's house. Yeah. It's real. It's real. You know how fortunate we are to be here to talk about stories from 97 on the sunset strip. 2004, getting the longest shot, watching all of us grow. I still remember our boy when he came to me one night. It was like a dead Thursday night. He's like, Joey, I just got my seven producer session. And I can't book a TV show. And he had sadness. And I looked at him like a brother. If you booked, if you went to seven producer session, you're right there. You're right there, yeah. You're in the machinery. You're not of civilian normal. They're talking about you're making people think. And two weeks later, he got that stupid show on that text. Run is easy. Run is easy. Yeah. Yeah, he was taken. He was taking inner city kids on tours of the trees up on Laurel Canyon. For nothing. He, the only way he made money was to steal the comedy store left and right. He would be like, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you. And he paid his rent on that. And then one day he was just big. But, but he was in the mix. But like you said, well, you've seen these stories enough times. We're like, I know how this is going to go. I remember Tim Dylan going like, oh, it's tough for me. I'm like, Tim, like, they're talking about you. I can hear them talking about you. Like, you're about, and now it's up to you. How much that'll go, you get into drugs or women? Well, that was going to be his problem. But if you get into drugs or aspussy, sure, that might like take you off your track. But they're talking about your, you're on this escalator right now. It's up to you how far you want to go. But like, trust me, you're going to be fine. I think six months later, we got new faces in Montreal. And then he was off to the races. And then like you said, cover the spread. Did the extra work. But like, you can just know like, dude, you're about to, you're about to be fine. Columteral on this, on the end, on the storytelling show. He's like, you're about to, you can see these guys getting frustrated. Like, you're about to get this night. Took a bunch of animals too, but I'm in training. Okay, this episode showed up before leaf falls off that couch. And I'm with done because those swearing buddy, I'll instruct them. I'll say, sue me, get 70, 30, whatever. I'm going to be sure it's a take care of it. Yeah, split it up to fall. I'm sure almost fell before. You got to pay the, you got to pay halfway slanted. Like one, like one of those junkies you talk about that you walk by in this city. You're making me nervous. That's why he's got the lean. He's got the weed leaning board. Gotta get in training. You're right, buddy. No, he's okay. I love you, brother. Thank you. Buddy, I love you too. It's so great to see you. I wish you. I missed you so much when I was gone. I know you don't have a passport because you've your past crimes. But you would have loved a lot of these places that I went to. I know. I would have loved a lot of things to do over that. But, you know, the Lord disagrees with you. Me and the fucking eight grand I've already spent on false promises. I got my 200 bucks, so I'm good. Someday a senator is going to hear this and fucking reach out and go Joey. Listen, I did the background. Okay. You're good. Let me just make the fucking call. Shut it down. And then I'll make the call to state the apartment where you want to go. Everywhere, China, Hong Kong. You just played Toronto. You could sell out the city. No, no, no, no, that's listen. That's Canada. That's a complete different animal. Those motherfuckers, they don't play like herpes. They never forget your sins. Yeah. And try getting them there. You know, you want to go to a moffy coast and shit like that. You want to just go, I want to go to Spain and eat some pie. I want to do those type of things. Yeah. Listen, if we're going to walk around and look at churches, leave me at home. Leave me at home. I got a bum knee and a fungi toenail. I went to Cuba. You would love that. I know. I got 3,000 fucking steps today. Right now, isn't it? After that, my knee starts to hurt. So I'm happy. I'm having surgery next week. At this time next week, I'll be fucked up at times, brother. You got that good opium? For the first two or three days, I'm going to go with the pain pills. Because what are you going to do? Yeah. But I'm getting all these cartridges. So I gave me like a recipe to kill pain at least by 40%. He said he got off the opium some like eight days. Can I give you some advice? Every time you do a pain pill, do two shots of Jack Daniels. And you are nice. That's okay. I really love that. Yeah, I love it. I take it to leave it. Hey, my advice, you take it to leave it. Listen, I give a lot of bad advice too. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you. Lee, I love you, brother. I love you. What'd you say? So I love you too, buddy. All right. I love you guys. See you in the same bad time, same bad channel. Yeah. [MUSIC]