Ari Matti goes to Church for the first time!

What's up, beautiful people? The church or what's happening now? It's back Tuesday, the 16th of June. You're at the halfway mark here tonight. We got a guest tonight. We got Ari Maddie. Fucking tremendous comedian. And my trusted Israeli soldier, Mr. Lee Syat. You know what I'm saying? I hope you guys are about the week off last week. I know I was going to do Rogan. Why waste your fucking time talking about me. Old Thomas Cincinnati. Nobody gets a fuck. You know what I'm going to Rogan and what the fuck are we going to talk about another week? I hurt my knee. I'm taking pain. But who gives a fuck? But I tell you what, I went down and I hung out Tuesday night and third and Wednesday night. Who do I see here? The same guy bumped into on Tuesday night. I think I left you Tuesday 1130. Yeah. And everybody went out and stayed out till seven of the fucking morning. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. Thank God. Thank God. I'm old. And I already know the silence of death. Now you were down there partying. I said you had mitzies moving and you were in holding court. Yeah, you were partying. Those little fucking the spicy margaritas. Yeah. Oh my God. And mitzies built for a comedian that there's every corner is built to hold court. You can have an audience. You're own little groove in every. I remember you were at the bar. I was at the booth. Yeah. Yeah. I was at the bar this time. I'm usually in the booth, but I want to say that the bar because the girl was working. The bartender, cute. Jasmine, and diamond, diamond wasn't there. She usually come back the next night. But I always sit with Jasmine. I'll try to let somebody, you know, then I'll sit at the booth. But yeah, so I hung till about 1130 and they said they were going somewhere else and I go, listen, I know how this starts. Yeah. I know how this starts. And you know what dog? I'm going to be clean from cocaine. 19 years is November, but I got an itch and lately, you know what I'm out drinking a few margaritas. I mean, you are some loose. Yeah. Some free comes up to me with a fentanyl free package and save the Cubans. No, I'm just, I can't, I made a promise, but it's crazy. I've been out in the last two years, one or two nights in Austin late, and then one night here, two years ago, and I remember where I went two years ago. There was no coke right in front of me. And I remember looking and going, doesn't even affect me anymore. Like now, unless somebody's going to suck my dick with a line of coke on it. Oh, old school, you know what I'm saying? Old school. We got to pick your leg up and shake your leg. Hold on, honey. You know what I'm not saying, that's sad on the right. Ari Maddie. What's up? It is. What's up, Lisa? You know, I work with this guy in Buffalo. Him and his wife. They do 700 milligrams at a restaurant. Oh, it was crazy. Both of them are walking around. Yeah, we went to a restaurant. They were both like in REM sleep. It was crazy. They were so high. It was wild. I loved it. He had mushroom. And he kept ordering food and he kept eating. It was close off. You ain't going to stop this fucking guy. First of all, you order like eight pizzas. You walk in and it was for who? For you. Yeah, I was the only one in it. Oh, yeah. I thought you were great. Yeah, yeah. And we had fussy with us. I know a big boy that eats this. William might has good food. I love the club. Not the one in where we're used. Buffalo. Yeah. No, we didn't have food there. They cut the wings out and they cut they might have. They know they risk it. The beef, what they're known for. I'll be fun. We'll be fun. We'll be fun. I don't I don't remember that at the menu. I do remember. They got me into my Moscow mules with the little with the little like we don't even feel the booze. He was ordering left and right. It was we went to see I never feel the booze. I took him to this creepy like cocktail or darker shit. Loud as last fuck men making out at the bar. Like really creepy stuff. All right. We were in the darkness. I was. We must go in a bag of one. What a line of coke on his own dick. Oh, yeah. It was it was cool. Like one of the only places that I've been in a while that it has like a late night. Like I was just in Syracuse in New York. When the finals were going on, we went to bar and there was it was nobody. It was like so at least in some places. There's still people going out and having fun. Yeah, when you're on the road, the when you're on the road and you're doing late shows, the pickings get slim. I was at a waffle house in West Virginia this week. And that's all I had. It's one it's one o'clock. They literally tell you it's over. And you're like, what do you mean? So it's me and the double tree and a double tree with the fan and the fucking AC next to you. Suicide city. That's when I kill myself is when I'm alone on the road in a double tree with the fan. That's when you think about killing yourself. But you know what, listen. You're going to do that room. Maybe once again, and then you're never going to go to that. Oh, of course, state ever again. But it's just another weekend right now in your life. Oh, for sure. You're a young guy. You got the world by the balls. You know, when those are places where you have the orgies, you come to Jersey, New York, the chicks go home. Every study, you go to one of those places. There's always a chubby one. It always gets insinuated by the chubby one that's sent by the hot one. And you look at the chubby one and he's like, what's up with it? What a combo on my ass. We can make this possible. And the chubby one grows on you. Yeah. No, because they're because they're pretty one starts acting like a bitch all night. And you're like, you're not even thankful for the drinks I'm buying. The chubby one says, thank you. Thank you for a toothpick. You can be a toothpick. They go fuck the little bitch. And laugh. They laugh more. They're good time. How long have you been doing comedy for that? I think it's, well, first time maybe 15 years ago, I did it. I would say seriously about maybe 11, but 15 years. I mean, I started in a place that didn't have it. So I had to improvise. You know, when I did my first gig, I just went outside to start giving out flyers. I did an hour and a half of full bombing till everyone left quietly. I just ended the gig alone. It was just me and the bartender at the end. Yeah. That's how I thought it works. Because I saw Eddie Murphy. I saw Dave Spell. I was like, how are this this? I mean, I'm funny. Like in the locker room with my friends, I didn't know that it's like a whole thing. How many people were there at the beginning? So I booked like, I was already in my head, I was like, you know, I'll do the same MMA stuff, but then on the side, maybe an HBO. So I was already like, like, absolutely full retarded on thinking of the how it works. I didn't even know about three minutes or five minutes. I just thought you got it or you don't. And you look at Eddie Murphy, I didn't know he practiced. I just thought, you just go on and you rock it. That's what I thought for years. As a kid, I thought they just went to a club and by mistake, there was a camera there. Oh, exactly. And they were like, oh, can I get up? Yeah. I mean, he just went up there. I thought, even they didn't know their film. No, I thought, I thought, I thought, I thought, you put on leather, you put on a chain and you rock it. That's what I thought. Because that's what funny is usually, you know, you're always talking at school or with your friends, you know, that's what funny. You didn't know funny is a business. You don't know. This is a set and an opener. Dude, I was like, well, so I booked already like four gigs in a row. And by the fourth gig, nobody showed up, we just canceled it. First gig was like 50 to 60 people. Real bad. All my friends too. They looked at me weird after that for years. They, those people that saw me bomb like that, they still can't believe what's happening to me right now. No, they don't. I bet you happy for you. But they know me. They're happy for you. Doesn't matter. Yeah. He saw me bomb at the fucking the Howard Jones, not the Howard Johnson Piccolos and Seed Caucus. He was there in 1993. Oh, wow. I was doing comedy three years. You know, those people know that they know. Yeah. And they'll bust your balls for years in the beginning. Like I had his uncle and his crew would tell me to quit on the way. All my friends start. I'm losing my fucking mind. You got to drop this joy. This is just not good. I said, I'm moving. The other guy now, that's fun. And you drive them back with them in the back of the car. They're coke. They're eating food. All right. I'm gonna quit. And then you're like, fuck them in the morning. They don't know shit about shit. Yeah. But you're like your best friends ago, bro. Are you okay? But the guy with the, and then they picked the hackiest guy. Oh, it's always that I was doing a joke about this. He's funny. The guy with the puppet was great. The guy with the puppet was fucking for the guitar. You know, and somebody comes with a guitar. And then your friends are like, no, that's comedy. You're like, you idiot. Well, it's a fresh end of all fucking friendship. Yeah. Like I fucking look at that. Like, I don't care for fucking me tell me you bomb. But if you picked the wrong comedian, you and I are not talking for like something with the house. And I say to you, hey, you got anything to eat. And I got a refrigerator. You got nothing that refrigerated. We ain't going to be friends for a long time. But the guy with the little dick, he's got food in his refrigerator. And he's saying, what is his dick becoming a girl? Because he's got a couple weeks ago. I wanted a podcast. And the guy said to me, what do you think? Who do you like? Nothing to listen. I can sit here like anybody else and splash your pal in this guy. I don't want to do that. You watch those guys. And because we've been in it for so long, when you watch those specials depth numb to you now, you've heard every 34 years. What are you going to tell me? What are you going to tell me now? But every once in a while somebody writes a bit that is just structured. And I saw it on YouTube. And then I saw it again. I'm like, I got to watch this thing. And I'm like, holy shit. I'm happy that there's not a big. I'm not going to say that. his name because I know exactly what he would insert here. He would say that ugly dude instead of a guy with a little dick. I'll tell you after this show, that's what, that's the first thing I thought about. This guy's lucky. There's no thieves like that, no more button. The bit is fucking tremendous. It is like the best shit I've heard since, I don't know, like when I first seen Bill Hicks, like it's now clean of his sack, you know, the whole thing, you know, the guy with a little dick, he's got a roommate that's creepy, having a big dick's got a roommate that's creepy, no fucking mattress on the floor, but a guy with a little dick is roommate, but he just dropped it. Breakfast plans for the next day of guy with a big dick, he ain't going to have plans for you next day. Yeah, I got a small dick, I don't, I don't blow your back out. I blow your mind. I got conversation, we talk about Ukraine, I'll explain it. I'm a sergeant, I have a helix-leap mattress, it's crazy, it's so real because when you're 21, you could pick up the hottest girl on the bar and you'll fuck her on the top of anything. Your father's work, bad shit. She wakes up the next day, she looks like Jesus, she got screws in the back and shit. You know, you do this, you do the creepiest things and in some way when you become 20 century, you're going to be classy, I got to take him to a shot, 12 more a month, 1, 5 years ago, you know, you were throwing them down on your father mattress on the mattress that had a cum stain on it from the night before or whatever, nobody knew nothing. And he's just breaking it down for me, letting me know like the last joke that took me shocking like that was, I was getting ready one night. I got a spot at the comedy store, 11.32, and there's a standup show, and it was like, you know, those eight minute pieces that people do, I don't know where the show was from, it was on showtime, but they go, "Come into the stage, rich boss." Oh, wow. All right. And I'm like, "Get ready." And those days I had the studio with the 10 cats, the closet was there, the shower was right next to it, and even when I went to take the shirt off, I heard rich boss said, "The teacher told me to sit in the install, so I got a bottle and laid in the gutter." Like, I just heard that, and I remember looking at my wife, because she's got some indiana, and she started laughing, I fucking broke out. There's little things that stop you in your tracks for sure. I want to blow smoke up your ass, but I really appreciate it. I liked the level of it, how you broke it down, and I told a guy, I said, "I couldn't think of fucking Ari Madi." So I said, "Christina, whatever a fucking name is, it's not Ari." Right? What's Kristina's name? Mariani? Mariani. Mariani. I love to. And the same, there's three of yous from that fucking club I like, is you her and the chubby guy. Fuzzy? Fuzzy, that is name. Fuzzy. My Pakistani guy, the chubby guy, or who? Dylan Sullivan? Do you mean Dylan? No. Yeah. He's like a white guy with a beard. Yeah, Dylan Sullivan. And Jensen, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's still my guy. He was an L.A. for a while. He's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was an L.A. for a while. Yeah. He was an L.A. for a while. He was an L.A. for a while. He was an L.A. for a while. He was an L.A. for a while. Yeah. But it's like I like seeing new people. That's it. Sure. Yeah. I can't even know. There's no new bands that rock my fucking world, you know, but at least there's new comics that I look at and go wow. This is interesting to see this development. Oh wow. That's very sweet. And you. I'm going to ask you a business. They should be coming to you and asking you have you ever considered to show you? Well, let's take it to Fox or Netflix. That place should be not any fucking day now. The United States loves foreigners. They do. Yeah. They do. What are you talking about? They love all this shit. You want to do. Stay land for sure. Swords and miss. And you can tell them whatever. That's what I. You can tell them anything. You can tell them whatever you are. I've even been to this because I've never even heard with your friends. You think they did those white people in the room with the West Virginia. What do you think happened there? Oh, the casino investor. Oh, you love from Estonia? Don't you're lucky. They didn't down nine one one. Listen, they were asking a lot of questions. The casino really good guy friend of ours. I want to give him a shout out. He passed away two weeks ago. Jerry Rocha. He was on this podcast like three or four times. He was family. And I like Jerry too, because I'm lying to you. It wasn't Bill Hicks. Jerry Rocha had a joke. It really happened. He went to do comedy in Texas, Arcana, but he opened up for a magician. So he don't know. Yeah, huh? He brings up the magician. Let's keep it going for Mark. All the great. He walks off. Listen, and within 18 minutes, not even 18 minutes. He goes joy with the eight minutes. People start to go boo, boo. They boo in the magician. And he goes, I go over because Jerry didn't drink or nothing. He's not the up and up. Jerry got rest of So I want to cry thinking about. And he goes, I go in that. Joey. And that just like go and call the police. He's the son of Satan because he ripped the newspaper in half. They were like, he's magician. He's just on a Satan. And then it was just yelling. Well, they pulled the magician off the stage and shit. They thought he had evil powers. Fucking hilarious. He's trying to into a bit. His brilliance. He's like, get him off the stage. You know, like they were going, I get it. I fucking get it. Yeah, because you feel the same way, Bob magic. You and Steve Simone together are the funniest magic magic to me, but not to a bunch of people, not that 30 people. And I'm not even related to me. You know what I mean? Some people bothers some people. That's it. Yeah. You know, you ever go like your niece is fucking birthday and also they show up. Like who's coming today? Uh-huh. What? Yeah. Zombo, the clowns come in and the purple guys come in and we have a magician party. As soon as you go magician, it's just, it's like when you bump into the jukebox, I know, I know I'm going to be uncomfortable at some part. I don't like when they ask you to do stuff because I always feel such I always do it wrong. I don't know because it's, why are you making me look like a fool? I hate when they come to me. Hold this. I'm already fucking up. Oh, I'm coming. I love it. I didn't make you look like an absolute dummy. I have always hated magicians. Okay. Since the age of like eight, I remember telling my mom the Louta, you know, like, Louta, like black magic to me. Yeah. And my family come. They cut chop, cut, they kill chicken heads and you have to drop them off in the cemetery. But still magic always creep me out because the people who did it in America always are like, maybe to me, I already showed up with pedophiles or whatever the fuck they are. Some may write to be fair. You might have a point. There must be like a chance. It's like a magician. It's like a person who you're cat. It's like a luck. You know, Lee inherited a cat. And for the last week, two years, Lee's struggle is the cat. Some weeks, he likes him. Some weeks, he doesn't. Lee forgot to give him the fucking blanket. I guarantee I've got to have fucking house and that cattle jump on me. Love me. Apparently you'll go this mother. Because I got a cat. Maybe. Okay. And now all those cats bond. I walk in the house. You got a cat. You have three of them. Two of them are going to hide. One of them is going to walk right up to me and go watch this. Watch this stupid. He's got a cat. This is a dad. This guy's a fucking sucker. I can smell him from here. He's got sucker written all over him. If he's got a lobster tail, it's ours. I don't care how fatty is. That's how a cat thing. I don't even have the cat to talk to you a couple of times. Dude, I used to my, my ex-girlfriend had a cat with the, you know, the cats that they have genetically like raped a woman. She's not sad for life. You got to drop those of the Chinese restaurant. I don't even know how you create sad ears. How much sadness genetically? How many? Yeah. So anyway, there was that cat. And she was cute. That guy was cute to everybody. And then at night, I would like sleep next to my girlfriend. I would hear behind me. Oh, I hate that. And I would look and the cat is little in the night staring at me. And then sometimes I would play GTA on the PlayStation while she's at work and the cat out of nowhere just jumps on me. Yeah, and me with a broomstick. I was about to fight her. And he's close the door going crazy. And then as soon as she walks in, she's the sweetest cat. Of course, and everybody thinks I'm a lunatic. Like everybody thinks I'm crazy. And the cat is winking at me in the back. The cat is going, shh. It's scary. Yeah, I'm being home by myself. The cat's hiding his old off and shit. And then and then cats catch keeping and then it was one of those cats that when it's all bird outside, have you ever seen like a cat see a bird in the window and they start doing that. Yeah, they go nuts. They go nuts. And I'm looking at this. I was scared. Shit. I'm scared. I haven't seen that. But this cat in the dark will just I'll walk out to go to the bathroom at night. And I'll just be sitting in the middle of the hallway just staring at a wall. It freaks me the fire. He's freaking you out, but she doesn't she hasn't hissed at me in a minute, but she does every once in a while. Jump up on the bed, whack me in real way. Like if I do something. he doesn't like. Yeah. It's fucking. Oh, is that why you broke up with the girl? I mean, it's certainly great attention. I'm nervous about this cat jumping on my neck. He makes a good cat noise when you're playing a game or something like that. When you get attacked by a cat like that, it makes a noise and they go for your face. They go, they just come and they come flying out anyway. Like, what the fuck? Because they know they need to have a moment. And one moment, you're like, come out again. I'll push the fuck out of you. Then you have to catch yourself. It's an animal. Joey. Yeah, relax. You can't be beating up on an animal. It's shit because I lived in Hollywood and there was a fucking wild thing going on there. And when that a cat wants only one of the kittens jumped at me. And I was like, thank God I was paying attention. I didn't know what a co-cat. I waited by dogs. I've scarred on my face and on my ass. I've been bitch. Yeah. Those crat you. They'll fucking do the dogs. Fuck me up too. Dogs. You know, I was thinking about the, I was thinking about how genuine that statement is. And again, if you're a magician at home, I don't hate you. Like, I just, I don't know. No, I get it. I mean, I've never made a not creepy magician. They got something weird. But here's what gets better. In 1983, I was dishwasher at John Denver's restaurant. You don't even know who John Denver is. John Denver, that singer. Yeah. We were on his tour bus with Tony in Texas. He had, he had mirrors everywhere. It just scratched up from all the co-cutting. Yeah. Yeah. John Denver's tour bus. Tice was in the back with his girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We had a restaurant anywhere that make a long story short at night to entertain the skis. There was a magician. And I stayed the fuck away from him. But I wanted to see what he did one night. It was genius because he would take, there'd be fans in the restaurant and he would ask two people to give me a card. Black. All right. And he'd go, they, you, sir, $50. Give me $50 that I'm sticking between the thing. I'll let you do it first. You make it. I'll give you 50 bucks. Okay. And you would always, you don't know how to do it. Of course not. He's taking, and it would stick. It is by the end of February, the fucking everywhere, there's 50s, hundreds and 20s. So I'm all school. You wouldn't take it down every night. Huh? You wouldn't take it down? No, he left it so he would, people tourists would come in and play with them. Oh, God. There was a ton of money up in that scene. Oh, because you look at that and you go, people have made it as possible. You know, it's between my hatred for comedy and my love of stealing. You knew that money was not going to last up there for long. Not on my fucking watch. Not when I was 18. How to hear they're doing a good climb up. No, I got a lot of them. I believe I was cleaning the chandeliers. And I just, but in the low end, where I could jump because I had, I started like jump. I pulled down like a lot of bill of 50, 120 every night. And finally, it was like a patch. You could see like, you know, a fucking miss. It was getting. It's like the ceiling was getting. Prince messing. No, no. It was like the ceiling was getting chemo. There were patches. Fuck, there was a little patch. I see the bad dude falling out. And then I moved over and it was by the bar and there was chandeliers over the bar. So I just got a lot of one night. The managers were there were two coped up. I'm up there pulling hundreds. I had one, I was pulling four, five hundred a night because that's what hundreds were. And you couldn't tell at all. There was a ton of hundreds of dead. Wow. But this happened. And then I moved on. And I told somebody a story. He was laying there. God back to him. And he goes, I knew it. I knew it. He was robbing us. So this war, you know, now we were throwing jabs at each other from LA, the Aspen. And it gets better. One night. I'm at the store and Steve, the manager comes to Richie and he goes, they call you Coco. And I go, yeah, they're still doing. He goes, yeah, the fucking magician said you robbed them. I go away. He goes at the magic castle. So now for the last three years of living LA, anybody who said they were going to magic castle. I tell them, ask for whatever the guys can I forget now. So I drove him crazy. People would say they tell him joy. Dears sent love. And he go, what do we do? He hasn't he running the back. I was sending a personal weekend. They're the torture and shit. They give love. What did this go on for like 20 years? Just started in 1984, 84, 83, 84 and Snowmass Village, Colorado, 2020 at the tower restaurant. And we were still going, we met about, you know, this is tape on YouTube. He made a tape all drunk. Fucking cocoa. He is a fucking beefy. He robbed my fucking playing cards. And he's still doing magic. I guess if he hasn't died by now, you know, he was out. Fucking tremendous. Hey, Uncle Joey here, this episode of the church is sponsored by BetterHelp. Even though the sun is out and you got to take care of yourself, BetterHelp is a great way to find affordable mental health care on your terms with a trusted professional. Listen, therapy helped me when I first moved from California to New Jersey. I was all jacked up and I went with BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the US and are highly rated by the millions of people matched with a therapist based on your goals and preferences. They usually get it right the first time, but it's easy to switch if you want somebody or something different. You deserve to enjoy the summer and every season beyond. BetterHelp is the way to do it. Listen, you don't have to do it alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. 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It was the holiday party. And it was like early on his Gabriel's it was it was and it was his holiday party. You mean Steve went and you don't go anywhere but you went there and this magician was walking around he got to you and Steve you and Steve looked at each other and like had a Catholic moment and you both like left the restaurant like in the middle of his trick you guys ran out and Steve was like the devil's work it was one of the funniest moments of my Gabriel next they thought I can't have these black magicians in there and he was in black I would have felt better if he was a brutal guy. Yeah. Like his nose some white guy would orange hair you're not selling to be there was got a mess too. That too. Now you're fucking Henry Angel from Vegas. What's his name. Chris Angel. Yeah. Now all of a sudden he's a fucking angel from Vegas you know. Fucking crazy. You guys talk about Gabriel Eglace's that Eglace's you know he lives in Texas too now. He comes down a lot. A lot. A lot. And he you know he's got a whole compound. out there and he's partying and he's fun. He's fun. When you go from California to Texas, you must look at your bank account and be like, what? Yeah. Like that must be a big shock. Yeah, I was I was asking him, I was like, so like, you know, because he goes on the road on the weekend. I'm like, so whatever part to you fly out of, he goes mine. You know, I was trying to relate. That's like making small talk. He's taking a son on Tony. You flat him a gallon. Yeah, right. That's what I'm thinking. Where do you connect? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you dealt with platinum? No, I have a private jet. Yeah. Fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And he's going everywhere still. And he should go all the time. He just went to the dentist and mulch. He's been in Estonia. He came to Estonia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good for fucking him. You know, like he's grinding. He has done something that think away he came from high school. Remember when he had he booked the room on the 710 on Thursday night. They paid you 35 bucks. Damn. He booked that room. He was the only standup. He don't got a podcast. He didn't do. He's never been on a, he's been on movies, but not known for it. He had his account for a while. Yeah. But still see, but it wasn't as passionate. What carries. Yeah. He's a performer. He's a fucker. And you know, young guys could really learn a lot from it because that motherfucker. Listen, he's out every night. Every night. I saw him in LA at every night. I saw him just at the store. And I go, you want to do Killtony tomorrow? Oh, no, tonight. That was like later tonight. He went on panel. He was like, sure, I'll be there. He wants to perform. And he loves comedy. Every night that no job on a plane. Exactly. Like those dudes are starting jumping on planes. Fuck it. I like San Francisco too. All the parts night time. You want to do a 10 30 show? Yeah. March day, Wednesday, Thursday. Martin runs like a show in San Antonio at the riot, I think like a small venue or something. Yeah. And everyone goes there every time he does it. Yeah. Gables there. Yeah. It's a different fucking world when you, when I moved to Jersey for a couple of years. I'm like, I'm done. And then I'm like, what am I talking about? Yeah. What do you have to go to Costco and check fucking receipts? Also, I saw a little boy, maybe like, I think it was last week, maybe? Yeah, last week we're doing it was the bucket. No, actually, the one before then, because I saw you do a set. That was that one the time you came before, maybe like a month or a month and a half ago, man, murdering, huh? Holy shit. No, you had a, I saw the big one later too. Right, right. But the little room, but the little room in that club is like my backyard. No, you're like the mathematician of it. Oh, yeah, just close your eyes. And I could be in three of my favorite rooms. The way you can hit from the stand like that, it's the mic is in the stand, too. That's crazy. By the way, your albums, you know, I used to listen to, like when you started the church and you were absolutely fucked up, I was in Melbourne bartending. I was in Melbourne bartending, like, Melbourne, Australia, Australia. I was bartending and doing like cutting limes, listening to the church. And so many times, I'm like, my part is broken because there would be so much silence sometimes, but you guys were so fucked up. You would have 40 seconds sometimes. And you're like, and I would go so often, what the fuck is, and it's, but it's running. And I'm like, what the fuck, but you guys were just, and I listened to all, and then I start listening to your albums, you, the way you would use timing, you and Dice Clay, I remember back in the day when I used to listen to a lot of albums, a dice hat that like one album, you know, really like bombs on purpose, but it doesn't really. But it doesn't kill. That's a killer. Yeah, that's a killer album. The greatest sounds of all time. But see, even there, the way he's talking and the rhythm and he's using silence, you know, like, and you're like that, too, you had an incredible album. What is that? What do you, the most annoying thing in the world about him is it's either you were the priest, the first album that he did, and I helped. He was driving down to a one night show. We rented a record, and he was like, I don't have anything to say. And then he just did an hour, went to number one and I tuned to Adam. I was brand new with you. So I don't know how much of a material, how much of it wasn't. But no, you have thoughts, man. And there's nights that would, as a comedian would court to get laughter. Every once in a while, once you're at the eight year mark, you want to flip it one night or just take, you already had three great sets. You had one in the fat boy and two in a little one. No, you had two good sets in the big one, one in a little one. And now you're doing the 1030. And there's maybe 150 people in there, couple of drunk. I'm going up there to bomb. I've never done that to bomb to bomb. Get ready. Get it's something. You know, people are talking about oh my god. Are you not fasting? I fasted for 82 weeks, really? Go up on the stage for 45 and just stand there, smoking the cigarette, looking at your buttons and take the last 20 of them, booing you. And let me know how liberating that is. You'll go out and walk the streets, fucking naked for a mile. You dick out like what could be worse than what I just went through nothing. So think about it. Every once in a while, you got a three minute spot somewhere, six minutes, just like for three minutes. But I like what you said liberating. It is the more that shit is liberating the less you rely on the anxiety and the panic of having to deliver the liver and the more you go into yourself, the better it gets, the more exciting. But I've had that world. I don't do material, but I'm not going up there to bomb. Like I'm not going up there with like the intention of bombing. No, no. What he says by bombing is not laughter, but the connection is still there. You can still still there. Yeah. And it's a gift. You feel it and you go, okay, I may not have killed them. And they clapped on the way out. Nobody threw a tomato at you. Nobody said, get out the stage, speak. Nobody said nothing. But there's something about that every once in a while, even bombing. There's times where you just hit the comedy seller. You went and did that. You went to the Vito's room of smoke. You did Johnny bananas and awesome. Boom. You bump into three. Your buddies smell and you want to show off. Oh, yeah. That's why that's why it's coming. And you walk in there, half the lefty and ready for love. That's my first joke. Bones. Second joke. You're fucking dying. Third joke. And from there on, it's just to fucking 16 minute dive of ego. It's like and sometimes you'll pause for like when a laugh you're expecting and it doesn't come. That's it's crazy. Well, that's the freedom of the room now. The freedom of that room is that line that I worked out. The eight hours didn't work. What am I feeling right now? Tell them what you're feeling right now. Oh, guys, I guess that line didn't work. Tell them. Tell them. Well, you have to be a real person. Yeah, listen at that point, you know, I've had thoughts about fucking quitting comedy as a matter of fact, I've talked about killing myself every Monday and Tuesday. I mean, all that shit that that is and that's what people really want to hear. You meet like I said, till the years ago, nobody pulls about an open mic with a Maserati. Yeah. And how often do you see someone who's like bombing? They're like out of it. Then they pause. They take a deep breath. When you hear the deep breath into the mic, they're about to say something very real and it's about to get really good. I just had, I was just with Joe Darosa and you know, he's one of my favorites. He's like a, he's a New York legend and also he's a comedy legend because same thing, he does comedy. He takes chances. He's like, fun to watch, fun to be around. His life is a mess. He's a real comedian. He's a fucking, I love the person behind every corner. Every time he's got a story. I haven't seen him the last three or four times. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's on the road too, of course. Yeah. And last week, he had one of those where at sunset, he didn't want to go up. He didn't want to go up. He already knew he doesn't want to go up, but Red Man asks and as a comedian, you have this, there's this feeling like when I don't feel like going up, probably I should because it might be something interesting, but sometimes it ain't and he goes on stage. He's trying like, he's practicing his serious set for something and it's, you know, there's no connection. He doesn't want to do it and he pauses. He takes a deep breath. He goes off the rails about how he hates, he wants to quit comedy. He hates all this shit. He's like 30 years. Everyone is famous around me and it's murdered. Where it came from. Exactly. Where it came when you're serious like that. Oh my God. And all the comedians were all in the, I was literally like tears coming from my eyes laughing about this guy ranting about how his life sucks at the moment and the murdering, you know, and then he comes off. He's like, man, that felt good. I'm like, yeah, no shit. I remember in 96, I was living in Seattle. I didn't make much. If I make three hundred bucks a weekend, it was a lot of money, you know. I mean, I came home this weekend with about 180 and the stripper would wait for me fucking open arms, right? And I think Sunday night, we hung out, but Monday, we were at food shop and then she came up with a phone. He 20 that I ordered and then a phone bill came in. I was down to like three fucking dollars and she starts to fight with me. And I don't know what happens. She's like, get out. As I'm going to call the police. So I got to run up to the fucking, it's an open mic. And I run to the old world. I'm going to go. I don't need to reopen my, at least two six minutes. I'll never forget I went up there and my first two jokes bound. I took it from there. Oh, yeah, I'm really taped that. For years, I used to look at that tape and go. What clicked that night? It was what I was really angry about. And I remember every joke I told that, and I don't remember one of them, but everyone was a killer joke that I after I saw the tape, like, it was a little sex that I'd do and go home and never think about it in the next day. Some guy came up and he's like, bro, we taped that set last night. I go, I gotta see that. It was like August, and I had like a winter jacket on, because she ripped my other shirt off, so I had to take whatever was there. It was funnier. It was purple and yellow. I didn't know whether, in fact, I took that set and put it on with a short film I did. The worst short film I ever did in my life in Boulder and sent it out to agents, thinking back now, the one that they told me no. It was horrible, but that set, something about that set I watched it over and over, because the last four minutes, what was going on in my heart. You know, and I said something like, yeah, I dated a stripper, something about I show up with a bag of money, she's in love, also my mother singles, something. She doesn't love me no more. And I just ripped into her from the stage. I couldn't believe, like I destroyed that audience and I never done it like that with material. Oh yeah, yeah. That's when you start saying this of way to say, I think I'm from material sometimes a little bit overrated in my head. And then you think you got it in the next day, you think you're all, I think I'm too fucking in love with it. No, I ain't no fucking. The only reason I should be in love with this is if I'm meant to, what's a guy in Pozo, who's old? If I wrote the Godfather or with Tyrantino, I don't have to love this shit. This isn't communist. I'm not going to say these words. These were written two months ago in a situation. Well, unless you're a fucking idiot and live at home, everybody has one situation that happens every day. You go out, they want to tell you a car, you know, you go downstairs, the battery's dead. You go downstairs, they want a, you know, leaves. He's from Jewish. You know, it happens every day. But it is, I have, I've noticed like with like, established comedians versus like the open mic or it's a difference between sounding scripted and sounding like you're actually just talking. I think that's for sure. Absolutely. For sure. How you learn how to get rid of that? It's like acting. You ever see a bad actor, a good actor? Yeah. It's a fucking hour show. I told you to get that gun. And some guy comes in and goes, I'm just fucking told you to get that gun. You know, like, what's that guy yelling about? All right. I made sure those moves were saying it. This guy just came and I said, I told you don't fucking play with that gun. That's it. That's how easy it is. So, but it's interesting. Like I said, Austin has grown on me a lot. And 90% of his the food, but the other thing is what I missed the most. All those years at the commies. For sure. That was my life guys. I never had a fucking life like that. You know, we're talking about going to game before the podcast. I have that of interest to go to a fucking football game and 25 years. You know, I get mad. I don't want to go for to cheer for somebody. What I do for a living, I'm living for them to cheer for me. For those days, I'm going to jump up and down for a band. That shit. I'll go. I'll stop see three songs. And he's got the ukulele with the new songs. Let's abandon shit. You know, I'm saying, this is my new album. Nobody wants to hear you. You know, I want to hear when you were snorting Coke and raping kids. That's the music we came into the one song I came to sing and let me fuck my life. Yeah, I got to get the three hours. Exactly. And he's got to bring this one up. B.O. Vaughn comes out. I don't need to shit my fucking world. So that's why I don't do that shit. We live about a fucking moment now with standups. I'm going to sit there and commit two hours to cheer for somebody. I don't give a fuck about. You know, like, honestly, what are we? Ten? Yeah, I don't give a fuck about this shit. I really don't care about being the funniest motherfucker I can be. We're clarity because all I know is right now when I'm jumping up in this game, there's a motherfucker right in the joke. Okay. Oh, yeah. Well, you jumping out of the hockey game. Oh, yeah, double date. There's a motherfucker right in the joke. Oh, yeah. There's a motherfucker put in the move. And he's going to he's working. Yeah, he's working. So that's in my mind. And that energy to be around is important. It's important. No, that's why the mothership is exciting too because all these people want a piece of the pie and they keep you sharp. You know, like it's one night you'll be like, yeah, I'll do one of these creative sets. Like we're talking about where you're like, I'll be myself. And then Dylan Sullivan's I have you doing a bit that he's practiced for 80 times and it's so sharp. It's like a blade. And he's like doing murdering for 15 minutes. All those ideas that you had about being George Carlin and like, oh, yeah, I'll explore out of panic. You know, when you go through your notes and you start going in your head, what's the opener? What's the closer? Fuck. At the same time as a comic you're bombing. We all have a streak as a comic. I mean, my bomb. And it's on one what's it on one night go two nights this week, two nights a week before. And it didn't bomb what it mattered Friday and Saturday were fine, which is my bread and butter from my growth. It's those two sets at Red Band's place, sunset, or whatever like that. You have to go out and get entertained for sure. So don't ever. Now, I don't mind you going to get entertained after you did three sets of bombs. Listen, let's go. I'm with you. I watched those sets this time for you to go get entertained. Let's go to a jazz ball. Let's see somebody live, but I ain't dropping 2000. I want to go see somebody and them doing a pretty much open mic of their songs or their music. George goes to that bar. The guy with a guitar comes out. Even that fucking moment. Watch him die or watch him like engage people go. My Nashville is so cool. Yeah. I'm a music person, but Nashville is super sick and any music they have. You want to jump up and down with Kid Rock? You would jump up and down with whatever we're Jolly Bean. You would just go whatever the fuck you want to jump up and down with you to jump up and down with Nashville. Yeah. Is it different? Cause I prefer anyone who was watching. Didn't know you obviously are on Killton here a lot. That like the anxiety of having like a minute on like a podcast that you know is going to get seen by that many people. Yeah, that you're doing like. Yeah. I mean, it's it's just a program. It's the way the, you know, everyone's consuming now. So think there's upsides and downsides. Things are moving so fast that everyone's consuming. So there's more need to put shit out if you're up and coming. You just need to do it. All of these like, I'm not a clip poster, but luckily Killtony does that for me. Right. Yeah. But all those people, if you're not posting clips or you're not taking chance on, it's very rough. So that helped me. But the upside of things moving fast is when you bomb, that moves fast too. People forget. People don't give a fuck. How badly can you bomb? You know, I had a buddy, a guy did open mics with on one of the ones in LA that bomb so bad. I think he stopped doing stand up, but he put it. You know, he bombed so he bombed and put it on his own website. Well, that was good for everybody then. Yeah. You had to. But like it's, I could, there's a lot of people I know who, one of my guys, Pat, he just moved in. I was a regular on Killtony. He's killing it from, from Worcester. But there's people I know from multiple places who moved to Austin hoping to get on Killtony. And like, I don't know, I can just imagine if you bombed on that, you're like, I'm going to kill myself. Well, at the end of the day, you have to be, it's another set. I'm not going to quit. If you're thinking in your head that this matter so much that I might quit, quit already. I mean, like, because it's like, well, you just want to do a minute and get famous. Is that what you want? If you want to get better, though, you know, then if you're going to bomb, it's one of those days you're going to bomb. I always expect to bomb. It helps me mentally if I'm like, already like, fuck it. Let it all burn down. If I'm, if I'm going to die, I'm taking, I'm, dude, I've already told Tony so many times that, dude, if I start bombing like four or five times in a row and my career is in the toilet, I'm going to come out crazier and just so you know, I'm going to say just to do something. Well, there's such thing as a swamp. Okay, and it may be anything. Let me tell you something. I just gave you $10 million last Friday to tape what you've been working on for the last two years. Okay? Now, you're smarter than that, but you're fucking pussy agent. Ah, don't. What next week and do the same material? Nobody's paying it today. Yeah. Okay, but you know that I know. Yeah. I'm done. Well, what are you going to go back up with? Most people say, yeah, I put an hour down, but I have another one in the bank. Yeah, I saw your rival. You might as well like that on fire because everybody's got an hour. I know. I just thought everybody got an hour. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, that's what you're looking at. That's what you're dealing with those first couple setbacks. It's, it's, it's fucking rape. Or I mean, you have to stick to your guns where it's just now do one fucking job, but you know, I don't also booking yourself for an hour. It's 10 minutes of red bands, 12 minutes of red bands, just to get those [BLANK_AUDIO] seven minutes. Now you got something to build with. Now you got something else to build with now. I don't give a fuck. But that first seven minutes. Oh god. And you're allowed to use one thing that you put on your special over the fuck you did. And you stick to it. That's what it is to write new material is to put yourself against a wall. You know when you're on a diet and it's like the first couple days, you're like, you see a cookie like, oh fuck, I want that cookie. Is that what it's like? You're like, you're like, you just want to like, you want to say that one joke to get yourself on the phone. Right. Don't go up there and go, Joey said three sets. It's not going to be three sets. I'm just telling you to make yourself feel better. Right. I'm going to be seven to eight sets. It was hard for you. Had me cut 20 minutes of my, of my, like my jokes earlier this year or last year. And it did help. But the, it's like, there were a couple of times I was pissed in myself. Like, fuck, this is where this goes. I don't know. Yeah. You're now. That's it. It's just making your force, you know, you're not living that life anymore. Why are you carrying that joke around? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're not even with these people. You're not around these people no more. You're carrying it around just to have material that had life. I am mad at you. We're around us. Get that fuck and really go away from me. And I'm saying, yeah, it's it. You have to learn when to put them in the fucking graveyard. Yeah. I've been open. I've been having least flat open for me for this tour. She's also met at the mothership. She's a door guy there. She's like, she's like a young Roseanne bar, I would say. She's, you can hear her laugh on the first admitties when you're in the green room. She's loud. She's proud. She's like an up and coming killer. And with her too, you know, sometimes I watch her sets. And I'll, I'll throw her a wrench, you know, into her plan, you know, because sometimes I let her do 30 minutes. And I go, but you can't do that joke. And she'll, you can see, she's like kind of angry. That's seven minutes. Like how dare you say something? Which is fair. But I only say because I care. I mean, I don't give a fuck if you're not my friend, but if you're my friend, I don't like that joke you have. It's like a past joke. It's your first joke. You already passed that. You're already six years into comedy. You're talking about cancer now and shit. Don't do that silly. Ha ha, shit up top. You just do it because you're scared. Yeah. Which care. And she knows it too. She's angry. But then she goes on stage. And then later she'll be like, you're right. Yeah, I feel way better. I don't feel like a robot anymore, you know, I'm not trying to remember this past fucking horse shit. I remember the mother ship open. I went down and you came over, I shook your hand. You said some fucking tremendous things to me. I wanted to cry. And I remember, like, going, what's the fucking kid got to tell me this shit? I don't need this shit right now, you know? And I went back a second time and I started watching you. I'm like, wow, this is crazy that he started another country. It has to translate. I guess, yeah. It's very hard. It's like me going somewhere. I know how to speak Spanish, but to do it now full fucking time and do material. That's hard. I mean, I had to give myself to the process. Yeah, it took time, you know, because I already did in Estonia for so long that it's that was who I was. Who I was. Who I was. You been at the mother ship now since I don't have two and a half years. Oh, that's it. But I made you literally, yeah, maybe like my first month area. Yeah, yeah, you gave me, you, uh, I brought you on. I remember you gave me a nice compliment. Yeah, I was so, I was so gay about it that I even asked the mother, I never asked for tape, but I asked for that tape of bringing him up and he's complimented just to keep, I'm not gonna be an asshole, but it was huge for me. Yeah, because you were a huge influence with your timing. And then already had that storytelling show, the way you did those appearances, I remember like being like so new to comment and just watching like how you would go so close to the microphone and you talk really quiet, then you would get out. Yeah, you had a crazy timing. I remember you. And those things were we're talking about. Those things were on paper, but just as thought. Not really what? There was no, there was a beginning, there was a middle and there was an ending. Yeah, last week was, it was on Joe's and I told Joe that I started becoming more of a comic when I was less dependent on that fucking material because every room, every situation deserves different material and you'll know it as you progress in your years. And that's why I've always liked and I always bring up Maul and fucking brand on the Godfather. He didn't know the lines, but he knew the character. And once you know the character, the lines will blow out of your asshole. They'll sing. But if you focus on the fucking stupid jokes, you're going to go into the comedy store at 1045. After they've already heard five killers and their opinions, but because you believe in you, that selfish, you're going to die a slow death, go up there and be like, they're going to love you even more. What's up? You bad motherfuckers, are you madty here? Yeah. Scratch your nuts and fucking people with passports up the ass. And now you got that's it. You just ripped them apart. You have to break them old. You have to break the fucking mold. And I learned going up at the store at midnight. Fucking midnight. You got 18 people. Eight of them are broke, three of them are doing coke, three of them are there because they got to be. And you at least want to get a fucking laugh. But the two guys before you set everything from the news. I mean, yeah, it's over. Everything's done. The fucking weather. Yeah, everything is done. Tomorrow is going to be 82 in LA. So whatever material you had that you thought was brilliant, you got to roll with them. What are motherfuckers? Look at his black dude with the missing too, where you've been all my life. And now you got material. Now you're going to a piece of your material. A piece of your material. Now you got four minutes. Ooh, that light's going to have to keep. And there's only eight people. That means they might not even blink that light. Mm-hmm. So I don't even know where I am tonight. Wow. Yeah. But they would just let you go. Yeah, because there's eight people. If four of them leave, there's no show. The comedy score store required four people in the audience. You do a show. They would just let you. I that would give me anxiety. Just like the light. Let's say it's two. Let's say it's one ten. And you go up and then say people. They're going to ask for something to go up. And everybody's going to go, nah, except if you're Ari Maddie or an immigrant, like myself, you'll say, you're going to put me up at ten to two. And I got how many minutes? You got ten minutes after the intro nine. Fuck it. I waited all night. Mm-hmm. I might as well do my spot for three people. But Ari, if one of them gets up, you're not going to get paid. I don't give a fuck. And by the two, time you do get up, there's one. And now you're like, fuck it. Let me fuck with this motherfucker for nine minutes and guarantee the next thing you listen to your stupid fucking paper quarter. There's going to be a little something on there. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that a lot like it's I can't tell you how many shows I've sat in the back of the room. Just freaking out. But just pissed off as people walk out. And you start bombing with the performer. Yeah, you're in the back anger and anger. Oh, in my head, I'm like, I would have been getting them here. And then by the time I get up, there's three people in there. And like they don't even like you're talking about just telling the truth. I did an open mic last week where I told the comic he was a truly terrifying person. And like it was the it was one of the scariest open mics that I've ever done. And but I just like that that actually got a laugh. But I was doing jokes that I've done. And they can like just trying to like work something out. Actually, you go darn chew on it. Oh, yeah. That happened occasionally. You talked about his bowl. What I'm gonna fuck you with? His bowl. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. His bowl. Whatever the fuck. I love it. I'm going. You start some drama. Why not? You start to have it. Has anyone ever attacked you on stage? That's what I was an open mic. Really? Yeah. Who attacked you when you were an open mic? I'm 52, Denver, Colorado, 1995. The dude was flipping me with bib cans with beer cans. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. What'd you say? He was flipping everybody. Oh, yes. So the other guys took him and another guy with flipping people with the bottle caps. And they were saying shit. They were heckling the comics. And at that time, I was going through a horrible fucking divorce. They wouldn't give me my kid. I lived in a basement. You know, yeah, I had a car and shit that you got to close with a bungee cord. So the car wouldn't open up when I made a fucking right hand turn. Come on, dog. Who said, who amits this shit? That was me. Back then. But comedy is it. He was everything. I didn't care about the car I had. I didn't care if I just sit on the engine. As long as it got me, I have to take a bus from Boulder, the Denver. And fucking, and I remember there was a headline and a feature. But before that, the guy would put up like six open micers. Yeah. And by the fifth one, I'm like, these motherfuckers are being fucked up. And it was no stage. You were just there. And they were there. There was no stage. Oh, yeah. There was no fucking stage. Oh, yeah. I'm into the stage. And security. Yes. You know that shit. Some guy goes, oh, hi. Welcome to club 52. This is comedy night. I'm going to keep it going. I'm going to bring up your host fat Jack. The fat Jack comes up and he's like, you know, guys, you're enjoying that six minutes of death. And then some other guy comes up to some magician. And that's slow death because if they don't buy that shit nor a vada at that place was like our vada. Then it was somebody else. And then I started noticing the bottle caps. And I went up and I go, hey, I'm just letting you know I'm not in the fucking mood. First battle cap I I see we're gonna have a problem. And I didn't even say problem. And they threw a bottle cap on, but I was smarter than they did. I had to make them come to me. If I went to them, then I would have fallen into them. And then they just pulled you up, like we're on our tests and the malice in the palace. And they got you, you know what I'm saying? But I said something like your mother sucks dick or something. And the one guy got up and as he got up, they had a microphone with his stand. They'll never forget I picked up the stand, they had him in there with the microphone. It was one of those microphones that had batteries in them. The bat blew up. Ah, ah, ah, ah, I hit the other guy. You hit the other guy too? Why not? You already hit one of them. Oh my God. I mean, yeah, my point. Don't fucking hack a lush, man. It's a show continue. Yeah. Oh yeah. And here's the funny thing. The headline, I was a great guy. You know, he was like, oh, a neighborhood comic. He is later. This was 95, maybe 97 in Seattle. I got a call to do Harvey's in Portland, Oregon. And I asked a guy out of the thing and he goes, I go, who am I, who am I opening for? And he goes, you're opening for, forget what his name was. Guys, he, you're opening up to that guy and I go, oh, I love that guy goes. Yeah, he said some interesting stuff about you too. So when I get to the gig, I get my hug and the whole thing. And he goes, you're not going to hit nobody before I go on stage because that's what happened. Wow. The two dudes. But he always liked me and respected me today. Because I always respected you for that. Because those guys are going to do it to me and I was going to hit him there with a bottle. One thing that never ends is a comedy night. Because comedians are such selfish assholes. Whatever happens, we got to keep it going. I was in Vancouver one time. Same thing. I mean, it's Sunday night, 12 o'clock open, my number 46. We're all doing three minutes. Everyone's leaving. It's like a gang bar and some guy heckles. And then he got shot outside and the ambulance comes. He got like shot. He got into it with somebody in the crowd. They both went outside. You heard gunshots and then he was bleeding all over the place. I'm a lot of red, dark red blood. And we're taking a nose cause I'm going to say. All right, guys, we're going to take a break after you know, a concert because we all want to get up. I've been waiting here for three hours. Let me go fuck let the ambulance come. Let's wait, let's put a few songs on. And you know, I'll go up first, give me seven instead of three. I need the extra four just to address the murder. Didn't that happen to you and not shooting? But like one of your early Gotham shows someone got beat up in his friend's date or something. And the women were throwing chairs at each other. Oh my god. I was the one show it got them whether I was downstairs. It was like before you and then you still did the show. No, the show was over. Oh, the show is over at that point. Okay. When I left I went down and people were downstairs or even co-cuts. And all of a sudden Dean Del Rey comes down and goes, Joe, you got to see this. We just went up to stairs and we are like, oh shit. 'Cause I walked up by seeing a woman grab a chair and throw it at the husband and the whole girlfriend. Geez. Right out of a movie, but no, nothing. That was the only time. And if he was like bleeding out there while we're taking a break with Smoke and Join, so it was thinking of their and the state who we're out there with him. I mean, we looked at them. We watched the whole thing of course, yeah. And then I rose to that guy who's at that point. Maybe I was like seven years in. He was at least 20 and he always does the same eight. I mean, one of it is literally like a Kermit the Frog and our Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. You know one of these guys? And I remember, he goes up first. He goes up first. And there's literally the smell of blood in the air. Still from the guy getting shot. And he goes straight into Kermit the Frog. And I look at my friend and I go, what needs to happen for you to drop the set? Like holy shit, we just witnessed the murder and ambulance gang violence. And he was still, hey, Kermit, the crowd did too. And he just bombed and he was like, that was a rough crowd. Yeah, no shit. I've had a poor 20 show where the guy had a stroke in the audience. The ambulance had a come during the feature act and pulled the guy out, but his friend stayed. Oh yeah. (laughing) The friend, listen, you have a spot in the city today. I don't want to keep you here. I have to do the comedy seller for the first time. I'm auditioning. I haven't done that in a while too. I'm going back to fucking dead. Wait, what time is it? What time is it? 7, 8, 7, 30. Yeah, I'm okay. But if you guys want to end it, we can end it. Of course. No, no, no. I just don't want to fucking it. No, don't worry about it. It might be traffic. The World Cup was here this week. You know, these people, they jump over a board. Also, they got cars. (laughing) You hear what that is? That's true. They jump over a boarder. And now fucking, they destroyed New Jersey this week. And Philadelphia, right in between. And I had softball games in Philadelphia. Oh wow. With my daughter. Oh yeah, you should have seen it Saturday night. Why? I don't know. I have lived down there for five years. Every night I smoke a number. I park on the nine. I call him. I call him. I call him. I smoke. I listen to music. You could fucking take your dick out. Nobody would even stop. That call like every seven minutes. Saturday night guys, you would fucking die. No accident. No, nothing. They were like, bro, something's going up north. There's fucking backed up for hours. Yeah. It's the Guadalajara crew. You know? Yeah. All right, nobody's got a car. And all of a sudden now. Imagine New York, it was that pride week. And the Puerto Rican day parade was yesterday. Oh. Yeah, the Puerto Rican one was good. Oh, my God. And now they do this shit on purpose. Just to fuck with you. Again. I stay home. The Puerto Rican parade parade was on ABC. Yeah. I watched it for about eight minutes. I was there. All I need was some bananas. Yeah. And you know, some Mavi and shit like that. And I would have been jumping up and down with the Puerto Ricans. Yeah. But yeah. Don't get me spotted. I walked through the Puerto Rican parade to the Puerto Rican women. They cat called me. I haven't been. Oh, yeah. They like the white ones. Yeah. Yeah. They were like checking me out. Those Puerto Ricans chicks. They don't even suck it. They pick your nuts, act up. And they stick your tongue between your ass on that little nuts and they just wiggle it. And also, he's giving them immigration cards where your grandma lives. You doing everything with her. We're at the same position, sweetie. Yeah. The fucking grandmother moves in. Now you knock her up. Wow. Now you knock her cousin up too. Cause your mother's will give the cousin to now you got a baby mama. She's your girlfriend knows, but she don't give a fuck about the baby mama. As long as you pay her her child support first, but then comes the grandmother. You know, she likes to get her head done every week for $40, $40, Joey, that was 1978. It's 250. You'll be on the road till you die. I'm saying. So better yet, stay away. Don't get brought. I don't care. Well, I just saw something about a week ago. There was an algorithm. And a dude was talking about dating Cuban women and he was on the money. He goes, listen, why guys go don't get involved. It's not for you. They will fucking destroy you. She goes, we grew up with mothers and a Cuban. We could barely handle it. They'll smack you. They'll take your car. This guy was dropping knowledge about Cuban women. I'm fucking dying. And it's true. These are the guys they go for a nice white dudes. Next time you see him, they'll help me suck out. So when you've been on the ship on the weekends, one day from Friday, I'm a fucking, fucking the train of life and fucking. I come home. I give my check and they put me right back on the road, bro. I haven't eaten in weeks. And last night I had something. I'm 34 years old. I've never had this happen. Last night, classic New York city style. I check into my hotel. I go to watch UFC at a bar or something. I'm at the elevator. Like a nice girl walks in. I compliment her dress, you know. You know, it's like, that's a beautiful dress. She says, thank you. You want to have my number, too? Okay. I take the number. And I just go for a walk. And then she starts texting me, you know, I'm at the room, finish her little gay game or whatever the fuck you're watching, men wrestling and then come to the room. And she starts sending me like nude pictures. I was scared to go, but I was like, I've never had that happen. Nice girl. They're not like a lunatic. It happens to me every three days. And I knew you were. I'm worried about it. Did you ever happen to me, dog? The fuck am I? I'm just saying. He's like, never happened to me before. I think it happens to me every two nights. I'm an Austin. Austin. Here's a picture. I mean, I don't know. I'm in the store. There's always that. Bro, I wouldn't even know how to air drop. I have my leg up. Fuck you. You're not an air drop. The pictures and everything. Yeah. Herb and Dover and everything. You know, asses out. And right now she's watching this podcast. I'm like, I just wanted to give him a little nippy, no, no. Yeah. Cause they know you're from out of town. So I don't give a fuck. They'll give you a VD. You take it back to all thing him. Wherever the fuck you're from. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't realize you get on the plane. My dick is swollen. Yeah. Yeah. Bro. Yeah. Those women love from you from out of town. That's the whole thing. She's from out of town. She was at the same hotel. Yeah. And she, her name was Catalina and she was like Spanish or something. Oh, yeah. That's it. They definitely got something. I hope you didn't come in them. No. Cause they got that 23 and me that they got in their own room now. They do it right. Latina women put it in a cup, but the computer. They tie it into the Latina fucking hole for association and that comes your picture. Boom. But they don't want to have this to me. citizenship now because I'm a baby daddy, that's not- That's a bad idea, but knowing my luck I'll literally come in a Cuban girl. We're both waiting for the US military to show up before you know it. You're going to end up in a nice Spanish woman. Oh my God. And you love it. Who doesn't? I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're aggressive. You know, I've never been treated like that. I've never been treated like that. I got to risk the panties off and eat them right in front of them. Really? Just rip them and have cupati. Bati. And they cook good food too, right? In the morning and then lick your nuts out. It's a party. Jesus. It's a party. Whenever you want to do your young guy, you could still do this shit. Wow. Me and George have to think about this and fucking go to sleep. Nicky's married. My boy over here is married. So we're both dead, three of us are dead. So I would feel like you get hit on a lot. Do you have a lot of women who are just freebie dudes who come up to you? It's only creepy dudes who want to talk about Joe. That's all I get the weirdest things. Every man. And I see him. I see him. They're always jacked. They're at the comedy. They always got the affliction shirt with the V-neck. You know, there's some drag. There's like a sparkling dragon. As soon as I see the sparking dragon, I know he's going to talk about Joe. I thought I was the only fucking idiot that does. Maybe it's fallen. Oh, no. Dude, I got it's all. I got the airport. Yeah, last on the way out of Newark. I got it at what's that shit? You know, but you whatever the fuck baggage came walking. No, the other way on the way out. Whatever you give the luggage and the ID. These two ideas came up right up to on the way out to Austin. Like in the airport. Hey, where's Joe Rogan? Are you retarded? Are you fucking retarded? It's 11 o'clock and 9 o'clock in Newark. And you were asked me with Joe Rogan. You see him with it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's for this on the line. It's embarrassing. I had a guy give me like a picture book. It was like a picture book. And it was a picture book about his cousin who's in prison and he's on death penalty. And he wants Joe to save him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The book tells all about his lifestyle. But then the best part is me and a son. A son of a right. The mothership. We're going through this book. The guy gave me and we get to the final page. The date that we received the book already passed his death sentence. The fucking yeah. Your cousin's been dead for two months. Joe ain't going to save shit. It's too late. You know how many times you go to a restaurant? You have a nice meal. Everything's great. I'm the way out. I was like, Hey, man. To Joe Rogan. I got this new protein part of coming. I'm going to deliver it to him. And you're like, great. Great. Yeah. Sure you are. Like a. And you, you know, you want to help people. You really want to help everybody you can to, you know, in any way you can. But some people just, hey man, to Joe. I'm inventing this new thing for brain damage. Sure you are. Look at that. You're two different shoes. And you're renting some for brain damage. Sure you are. Look at you. You just were talking to yourself. Yeah. With two pairs of different pairs of shoes on. That's what I need in my fucking world. It is insane. But sometimes I'll be at mitzies and Tony's then that's when people want to meet Tony too. You know, he's a big star. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then, but what I always do to Tony, when guys come to me, they're like, can I meet Tony? I go, you know what he loves? Just interrupt them and hug him. Just go at him. I always send them out. And then I watch the back with a son. It's always a guy. It just goes up straight. Tony, it just grabs him. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You're touching an icon. And they're just standing there and, and Tony, you're touching a piece of history. How dare you, you know, and, and he just goes at these guys and they're all and they come back. They're like, oh, I guess you didn't like it. Oh, I never thought about that. I could have sent so many people to you. Oh, I always go hug him. Yeah, I was in the crowd. Some guy was in the front row. He was like, I just want to see Joe wrote this. You know, all he kept saying is I just want to see Joe. I'm like, what do you do for work? He's like, I just want to see Joe. I go, and I go, I know Joe's coming up later. So I go, you know what? When you see Joe, just attack him. He loves it. He loves a hug. Because I know the Sid Navy seals out there. I'm fucking ready to shoot. Just attacking fucking. Those Navy seals were love. I was there one night where everybody was not fucking. It was one of those decided to be about six or seven months ago. Everybody was there. It was one of those Tuesdays or Wednesdays. We're reminding me of the old school store before the pandemic. The top player was there. Shane was walking around like nothing. People were torturing him. People were tort. I just sat there and loved it. Yeah. There were so many people there. Didn't I just sat in the mid-season? And Shane is a sweetheart. He's a sweetheart. Because they'll attack you. They'll keep going. Shane will say, and then what? Yeah. And then what? He'll such a nice guy. He'll literally say, and then what? Then you'll tell another seven-minute story with no fucking delivery. Yeah. They torture. He's such a sweetheart. Yeah. One time he was standing next to him and a guy like really wanted to take a picture with him. And me and Shane are having a good time. Just maybe a beer or something. We just did sets. I mean, they were all right. We're talking about comedy, whatever. And then a guy comes up to Shane and goes like, "Yeah, yeah. I have to move out of here because my wife is said that she's suicidal and wants to leave me. So I just lost a job too." And you know, keeps going on how it's like. And Shane is like, "Yeah. Yeah. Eight minutes." I mean, and then just ruins the vibe and walks off. And you're like, "Jesus Christ. What do you think was going to happen?" You know? I had a chick one night just telling her about an orgy. Well, that's an orgy. I like that. She would shut the sheet. She was with a guy. They're together. And like, when we take a picture, no, you guys won't tell us. There was nobody there. I was there alone for like an hour. And they were like, "Come on, have a drink with us. We saw you in the front. Okay. Why are you doing?" And also, I'm like, how long were you here for? They were from some fucking country. He had just come to pick her up. But she had been there for one of those visas and she stayed in Austin. And she was there for an orgy. But she told me right now. It was like a 30-day orgy. Like 60 miles out of fucking time. How the orgy. 30 days. I don't know. Who wants to fuck for 30 days? I don't know. But those people out there. I don't know. They're out there. That's like, you know, they're right there. Maybe they'll come bump into you someday in Austin and say, "Come on, for the ranch." And you get out there and they just urge a herd of people fucking. Yeah. I had one time. I was a bartender. I had also like married couple, late 40s. I was like 23 years old, you know, wearing tight pants, just jumping around this bar. Yeah, jumping up and jumping up and down. And then, and then, yeah, this old couple, like, late 40s. I mean, that one. You're 23. Somebody's late 40s. You might as well be my grandma, you know? But they were still like, you could see they're fucking and they came like three days in a row. And it got weirder and weird. And they always wanted to be served by me. And then on the third day, they dropped it. It was like an envelope with 500 bucks in it. And he's like, if you just fuck the shit out of her all night, I'll give you cocaine for free. I'll give you as much booze as you want. Take this 500. Just fuck the shit out of her. And don't ask any questions. Just keep fucking her. Even if I say no, punch me, punch her. Piss on us. Have fun, you know? Just take it, like, just be brutal. And she kept saying, you can handle it. Can't you, big boy? She kept calling me big boy. But I was so scared. So I go to my friend Andre. He's like a Russian Coke. I didn't do Coke. I've never done Coke. So, and he's a big Coke head old school bartender. He's also in his late four days. I'm 23. This is my job to move on in life. This is his last job, you know? And I go to him. I go, you know, they offered me 500 and Andre is like in like a heavy Russian accident. He's like, maybe they can fuck me. Maybe I fuck. And I'm like, okay, I'll go over. So I go over to the table. I point at the bar. I'm like, my friend Andre wants to fuck and the guy's like, okay, we got to talk about it. So then I go back to Andre. I'm like, I don't think they're into it. So they have a meeting. And then I go back. They go, okay, 300 for Andre. And then they go about a thousand if you come too. So then Andre goes just, that's Coke all night. And she fucks the shit out of this lady. Next day, I come to the bar. He's got like a glassy look in his eyes, you know, all night of Coke. And now he's all hung over and shit. And he's just drawing the glass like traumatized. I go, how is the night? He was like, it was brutal. But he said that when he was making out with her, he could already smell her pussy, like how bad it's going to be. And he was just, and then he went to the bathroom, did some Coke, just and then started just, and he was in the corner, and just in a dark corner, just beating off the whole night. What do you think it was? And he kept saying, call me a faggot and stuff. So you got to bang this fucking ugly whale while this guy said, while this guy, you got to bang this fucking, who's the faggot here? Yeah, you got to bang this eclipse of a woman. You're looking for this hole for fucking 18 minutes. You're creating holes. And then you look over in the corner and these beauty fucking smegal eyes. Call me a faggot, Jesus Christ. That's a rough night. So where are you at this weekend? I'm going back home to Estonia actually for the summer, holiday. Yeah, I'm off tour now. Two months, okay. I need my I need to remember who I am for so I need to go back to me. I'll You come back to Austin in August July. I'll be there in July Hottest fuck out of fuck Jack damn. It's hot. You know what's good. And that air don't move. You know what's good in Austin The air conditioning. Oh yeah, it's world class. I'll shoot somebody before the air conditioning goes out. Jesus Christ I went to eat sushi. I had a while. I had a bottle of jack up in the fucking way that I'm like, how cold is it here? I've had the sniffles for two years in Austin because I keep going sweaty as fuck into a movie theater and it's 63 Wow. Yeah, condition is good. Yeah, you step into a Uber in Austin. That guy's got the fans are so loud. You hear the music No, and he's called back. I landed the other day when an Uber guy wouldn't fucking put on Not an Uber cab. He wouldn't put the heater. Oh fuck that. I told him. We got put fucking air conditioner on power I don't fuck it. It was harder to when I landed This motherfucker is like are you getting a car? It's a steam back. Uh-huh. What's the matter? He's supposed to keep the car on I would kill for air conditioner. I'm in the city like I'm in subway stations this week at a hundred degrees Humidate no, and then you got on the train and that car doesn't have air conditioning. The subway is brutal. Yeah Even the rats got friends those little fans You're gonna look at them there sitting there with a little fan and there you are sweat and fuck bullets Listen man, keep in touch with me. I'm one of your biggest fans. Oh, you're a good man. He said you were in town I was really happy you guys are like such a Such a fun podcast. It's definitely an honor to be honored. I mean tonight. We're getting look at the shape of Lee's because he's on his way Yeah, you got spots, right? I got spots. No, he's talking about animals. Oh, okay Yeah, no, that's that's why I don't usually book Monday nights. Wow, but Joey The police come to Austin. I'll tell you know everyone like the doors you're there I really loves you in Austin. You gotta come to Austin. I mean, Lee's gotta go. Yeah, yeah. We lost no dog. Listen I really enjoy New Jersey but I like What I'm building of course little by little uh-huh when I go down that just gives me a little bit more feeling on the comedy store You know, I'm used to that seeing everybody I don't have to be there every night And that's what's good about Austin. You can move around you go to Voltron you go to fucking Creep in the cave Yeah, oh, yeah, you can move around the creep in the cave. You said yeah, it's a very different. But I love Rebecca Oh, that's my girl. I'm really I called it twice. You didn't answer my back as they're all the time taking out You know, I love everything about Austin the restaurants are getting better and better. Mm-hmm the stakes of phenomenal ways to well I go get my fucking well-changed Maybe if I can stay alive an extra month the fucking whoop doesn't know I had knee surgery So because I can't walk seventy five hundred steps. It's got me at sixty five years old. That's not right I was I had it down like sixty one and eight months. I'm like I'm doing pretty good before the surgery because I'm moving around I can't move around with this bump fucking leg right then whoop is talking shit. Oh whoop is talking. Yeah And every day like oh you did a great on this job 14 three today lifting But you're still low on steps. You're gonna fucking be eighty eight my next week So fuck yourself Lee, were you at this week this week? I'm in Cape May. It's called the bees knees comment club. Okay nice knees And next Wednesday no not this Wednesday, but next Wednesday night The 24 wet the Brooklyn improv and Harrisburg fucking tremendous club Williamsburg It's nice and small 200 seats. What the fuck Williamsburg? I'm sorry Look, I'm like 800 milligrams in I started this party right at the fucking PT today. I had a stiff leg Someone's in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania looking for the club. Yes, don't worry about it. Just Uh, the improv Brooklyn Williamsburg. That's it right around the corner from Peter Lugas. You like that room I'm going there. I think I was gonna go there tomorrow. It's a great fucking room. I'm gonna go there I'm gonna check out that top secret to ever that's good. Yeah, it's here. Take leave with you all right top secret I love you cock suckers. See you next week. Stay black jack (rock music)