Are You Rubbish? w/ Ari Shaffir!

Gang, Tootie's got a limited 4th of July drop coming at ya. We got some nice t-shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic. Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at RUGarbage.com while supplies last. Happy 4th of July. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Rubbish. Hello. What's so distant? It's a show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they turned up to be classy. That's all we got. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Isn't it? I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at ya on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's upstairs. She got the lanterns ready. All right? One if by sea, two if by Toyota minivan. That was a Hasidic joke. That's America. Mike Coase is coming in from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. Bit of an international businessman, but born right here in America. Stands up for the stars and stripes. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. I feel like I'm going to be doing a lot of heavy lifting. What's up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available on Spotify. Now, boys are climbing the frigging charts over there. And obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage. Join that like a goddamn patriot. That's right. A fucking Benedict Cumberbatch. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest back with us again today. It's his last time before he heads overseas, starts kissing the crown over there. Bit of a fucking turncoat. All right. USA all the way. On the goddamn centennial, too, by the way. I know. Coming up on 4th of July. I'm a goddamn 76, baby. I don't like this shit. Give it up. Ferrari Schaefer, everybody. Thank you. Are you changing your name to REO Schaefer or something like that? Yeah, it might be. I should have got a kaleidoscope, Schaefer. Kaleidoscope. Cheerio, boys. Cheerio, indeed. Howdy, gentlemen. What's up with this thing? Oh, the lift was so slow today to get up here. Ari's off to London, man. He's moving over to jolly old England. I'm leaving. Every time I leave, I come do your guys' program. Yes. We love it. This one, listen, you go travel. I'm going to fucking wherever. I'm going to Istanbul, East Jepip, whatever. That's fine. That's fine. Moving to fucking. Jesus. Moving to the fucking enemy territory is crazy. Yeah. That's like, that is some fucking. I'm pretty nervous. I hope you don't wear that over there. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. I'm just going to wear this everywhere at bars. I'm like, is this not. I'm going to use all their slang immediately. Starts wearing a chain with a crucifix on it. Starts going to mass. Lights on Friday. This is awesome. I'm sorry. I was going to say, buddy, we're going to miss you. We fucking love you. I was trying to think. I was getting a little emotional. We were hanging out before. I'll be honest with you. Of course, I'm going through it these days. I'm still going to miss this. Yeah. That's going to be the hardest part, I think, is all my friends. Sorry. That wasn't funny. This guy's really adopted the British demeanor already. Oh, yeah. I'm doing full British comedy. Let's be not funny for like 35 minutes of it. You're walking into the eagle's nest over there. Fly, eagles, fly. Oh, I got a sparrow. Fly homing pigeon. Fly. Do you have a football team you're going to run? Are you going to root for over there? Tottenham, the real spurs. Oh. You'd army. I was assigned them. I feel like you just chat GPD'd England. No, I was assigned them. I was in Edinburgh, and they were telling me I was doing some powder with some people. And they were telling me I got to get a football club. And I was like, what? And someone was like, Arsenal. And I was like, okay, Arsenal. The one guy was in the bathroom. He comes back. We gave him Arsenal. They go, no, Tottenham. And they were all like, oh, yep, 100% Tottenham. Why? What's the- I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Is it the Jewish team or something? They are the Jewish. They are the Jewish team. Nuh-uh. They're known as Yid Army. They must have a bad, bad- Most lawsuits in all the league. Every time they get hit, they're on the ground. They get a yellow card and served. They take it way longer, and everyone comes in and chases them off. Lawyers rush the field. They're in the Jewish neighborhood, and they all do Jewish chants and stuff. Oh, there you go. It's perfect for you. Yeah, so they're doing the thing of like, oh, oh, oh. They're like, how would you like it if they did Jewish chants? I'm like, they do on my favorite team, the Tottenham Hotspurs. And everyone loves it. Everyone loves it. Hava Nagita. Everybody's in chairs. Leading the players on after goals. Now, there are differences, okay? What are you looking forward to, and what are you not excited about? Because I'll tell you this right now. I've heard that that white stuff over there ain't great. Well, I mean, the Indian food is going to be bar none. Very good Indian food. I got the hookup from my friend Akash Singh, which, by the way, valuable friend with that name. Of course. That's his name now. Yes. Everywhere I go, I'm like, I'm friends with a guy named Singh. Singh. Singh. So don't give me the old non. Give me the French non. You even made that Jewish. Singh. What are you looking forward to? I'm looking forward to a new comedy scene. Okay. What British stuff? What are you like? Yeah, what British stuff? You like a bangers and mash? The breakfast art rule. Can you name, do you know the components of a full English breakfast? That was one of my questions. You got the breakfast. Traditional English. The bacon that looks different. You know what kind of bacon that is? You know, they got a lot of bowls over there. They say our bacon sucks. What? It's great, dude. That's crazy. That's a different style of bacon. Still has like hair on it. It's like, get out of here. Fucking medium rare bacon. What are you guys doing over there? What are you doing? What are you doing? Crispy. It's usually back bacon in the UK. It's less streaky than American bacon. When I heard these two black guys in DC talking, I didn't know. You never hear a black accent where you go like, what are you even saying? It was a security guard. I was leaving a museum, and he goes, man, put sugar on that bacon, turn it brown. He goes, put sugar on that bacon, turn it brown. I finally said, if you put some sugar on some bacon, it'll brown. Yeah, it'll brown up. Yeah, like a little maple sugar bacon. What the fuck? Yeah, that. They got the tomato, a little saute. Yes. Mushrooms. Mushrooms are all right. Those beans get you farting through the day. But they're not sweet. That's the problem with those beans over there. They're not. Oh, yeah. I like baked beans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In a can on a campfire like America meant to. Beans on toast. I'll give you. They do that over there. I like that. How do you feel about black pudding? I love it. Really? And unfortunately, it'll be London. It won't be Edinburgh. But I love, love, love that fucking Scottish shit. What? Scotch eggs? No. Haggis? Haggis. You do? Love it. Ugh. Yeah. You got to have it done right. Man. You know, you can only shower once a week over there. You aware of that? That's the law. You can't use deodorant either. You can't use deodorant. It's not a London thing. Yeah, it is. Really? Okay. And you're not going to have all the chemicals over there. You're going to be eating all the organic shit. I'm excited for the girls to know their place with their janky teeth. Hey, listen. You're a six at best. You'll get this. Honey, you wouldn't last one minute in Soho. My teeth are perpendicular. No ice? Parallel? No air conditioning? Oh, yeah. Warm beer. Not looking forward to that. Yeah? They pump it like this. Yeah, that's pretty cool, though. That is cool. Oh, no tipping. I'm most looking forward to that. Oh, there is some tipping. It's two pounds, 90 pence. And you're like, all right, here's three pounds. Like, here's your 10 pence back. And I'm like, no way. Are you still going to do that thing? I feel like you should represent Americans by tipping. Yeah, come on, man. Don't embarrass us over there. I'll tell you what. I'll do both. I'll tip. And then whenever I see a cow patty and they're sleeping, I'll fucking shove those motherfuckers over, too. I'll tip it every sense. All the houses are powered by those things on the water. Those, like, windmill things. Water. That was a good bit. Is that Holland? Wikipedia over here. Yeah. Wikipedia Jones. All right, let's get into some, see how British Ari really is. Are you rubbish? Yes. See if I'm trash over there. Yes. Well, I want to see if you're going to fit in over there. If I'm regal or rubbish. Regal or rubbish is pretty good. Royal or rubbish? Royal or rubbish. Oh! And that. Okay. Yeah. I met a British guy last night at the cellar, and he said, I swear I forgot about this. He said, I want to thank you for, you guys are bringing American. Like, nuanced subcultures that, as an outsider, we've never knew, and you guys are bringing these things to light of what it truly means to be an American. That's right. I was drunk, bro. You guys are the real Americans. Yeah, I called him a liney and slapped him over the head. I want to see if you're going to embarrass yourself over there, cause an international incident, be sent back. I'm going to try. I'm going to try my best. People say I'm going to get arrested, and I'm like, do you know how much that'll skyrocket my career? We've had cancellations. We've never had arrests here. What are the, what are the, what's the- Have a set buck and shackle? Scotland Yard. Oh! The Yard. Oh, get one of those pipes to go like that. You're not the detective. Solve crimes. Where's the best sales here? What are the weed laws in London? Oh, they're not like us. That's going to be the issue. Yeah, no. Yeah, you're going to be- You got kicked out of me, and I forget who it was, an LA comic. We were in Edinburgh at an outside pop-up bar. It was like inside, and we were in the courtyard, and we lit up joints, and the bouncer was like, are you fucking crazy? That's pretty crazy. In an establishment. In an establishment? In the outside area. And he goes, would you do that where you're from? And we're like, dude, yes, that's why we both did it. This is completely normal where we are. Huh. It's not legal over there? What do you got, Luke? I don't think so. It's not. You can get your medical card, though, which- Really? That's starting to open up, yeah. You know what I had on my last medical card? Look at that, two seconds. So I had it in LA, and it was always sleeplessness, whatever, and then I had a period- You look like a really cool DJ at like Electric Zoo or something. out of the Irish. Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell. Ibiza, what's up? Yeah. So anyway, he goes, what do you want to put down? It was like that one-year period was medical here before it was fully legal. And I knew a doctor. He goes, you can put down anything. I don't care. I'll just sign it. And I was like, AIDS? And he goes, I can put AIDS on there if you want. So I was like, yeah. So by the New York Medical Association, I did have AIDS for one year. Magic Johnson did, I guess. Wizard Johnson. That's where I'm going. What's that? They have wizards. They don't have magicians. Oh, man, they're going to know you're high right away, dude. Dude, I'm going to mock their accents from day one. I have that problem. I start talking like people. Don't be like fucking Madonna. Don't be coming back here. Let me tell you something right now. You start coming back here, and you start saying cheers when somebody gives you something. Oh, 100%. Or start calling people a mate. You're going to hate me when I get back. First of all, legend. Legend for that. Cheers. Cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers. That or if you do, oh, it's half-till and stuff like that. Half-till, yeah. Fuck you. It's just like, oh, it's hot. It's free. Remember we were at that bar in the fucking, it was a great bar, but the bartender, he said cheers and called his mate. Dude, it was 11 years ago. Give it up. He's not over it. He's still seething. Swear to God, dude, it was 11 years ago. He's still hot on that. And also, no, he didn't call his mate. He said cheers. And it's like, well, he is giving two guys. It's like. No, fuck that. It's not like we were at the fucking CVS. Yes, and he's like, cheers. Yeah. Good day. It was a British pub, dude. Yeah, anytime somebody's like, cheerio, it's Tuesday. I'm like, it's Tuesday. Hey, listen to this idiot. Listen to the way you talk. You're wrong. You're wrong. Can you name five people in the royal family? Prince Charles, Prince Edward, Prince Charles. Hold on. Diana. Prince Chucky. Diana. Princess. No, no, no. That are alive today. Princess Barbara. Who's that? She's the ugly one. Countess. Countess. Keep her in the tower. Countess Louisina. No, I cannot. Are you kidding me? Prince Edward. Prince Charles. Who's Prince Edward? I don't know. That's when you get your dick pierced. That's what that is. Prince Harry. Harry Styles. Simon. Jimmy Carr. All right, you got Charles and Harry. Charles and Harry. Well, one of them's out, right? Whatever. Edward is Counts. Edward Counts. Who's Edward? That's a blind guess. It was, but he's the youngest kid. Rufusina. What? Rufusina. Rufusina. Rufusina. Rufusina. Dude, Princess Shaniqua? That hairline looks real on you. It's fucking me up a little bit. I just have to get back from Thailand, from Istanbul, and they go, no, it doesn't cure graying. And I'm like, oh. Could you name five people in the royal family? Charles, Harry, William. That's the Royal Rumble right there. Andrew and Fergie. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas? Black Eyed Peas. No, Princess Fergie. Princess? She was the, uh, she was the, he was in a group. Oh, yeah. The redheads, she was running around banging everybody. I had no disrespect. Have you ever been- What am I talking about? What the fuck are you guys going to do? All disrespect. You said MI6, everybody kill me, go ahead. What are they going to do? Come over here again and try to take it back? Yeah. You failed twice. Actually, you know what? They came back a couple weeks later and burned the White House down. Did they really? Yeah. That's why it was white. It was blue before that. And they just put a quick coat of white on there. Show them we didn't lose. Cover it up. They've never changed. What's it called? I'm edging. Have you ever been pictured with Prince Andrew? He's the one that got in trouble, right? Yeah. We had some photos and he was very adamant that those had to be deleted immediately. He goes, there's too many people in there he did not want to be seen with. In hindsight, I'm glad he got rid of those. He's got his hair in pigtails. I was trying to pass as a 12-year-old. Just trying to get a free trip. I had one of those big lollipops and one of those suits with shorts. I'm like, oh, you made? Wait, why are you British then? Still have my innocence. Ari, if somebody holds a door rubber for you in the UK, what should you say? Cheers? Nope. Thanks, bruv. Bruv. I can do it myself. You should say, in a high British accent, thank you very much. Thank you very much. What? Well, that's what you say here. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We are unprepared. Who's in the research department? Are you garbage? Unfortunately, it's us two. Are you riffing? Are you reaching? Are you reaching? Are you reaching? I do want to be royal. What's the name of the British flag? The Union Jack. Who's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones? Hold on. That could be Australia. No, I think that's right. It's the Union Jack. Robert Plant. Damn. Is it? No. It's fucking Mick Jagger. Oh, yeah. You're going to get your ass kicked over there. Which I don't know if I wanted to be British, but I wanted to be American. My boy can't be a fucking turncoat on me. They're going to be playing paint it black in a bar. You'll be like, I love the Beatles. What are they? They have beer pong? What's their beer pong over there? They probably, I don't know. Tennis. On a grass court. Wow. Are you going to do like, learn how to play snickerdoodle or whatever? I'm going to learn how to fucking do a field hockey on a horse, whatever that fucking thing is. Polo? Polo, yeah. Field hockey on a horse. Are you going to go to Wimbledon? I'm going to be such trash there compared to those people. They're going to be like, everywhere I go with just me normal, which by the way is way classy here. I'll tell you what you're not going to do. You think you normal is way classy? Compared to- We have nine episodes proving that you're not classy, Ari. What are you talking about? I'm still so mad about it. As soon as it's out of my mouth, I was like, he's going to call me on that. Ari, you know the one thing you can't do over there? Steal. Do tell. Steal? Yeah. So you have to pay for your almonds or whatever you steal from airports. They don't fuck around with that stuff. H? Challenge accepted. Oh God, you're nuts. If I come back like, Ari got arrested for jokes, for really dark jokes, like no, straight crimes. You're going to be in the Tower of London with chains hanging like that. Oh, one of those stocks? Yeah. Like this and the tomato? Is that me? Tar and feather you or whatever. You'll like it. Oh, if I'm in the stocks, bro. That's going to rule. I'm like, can I get a seat on the stocks though, at least? I'll sit down and do it. I don't want to stay on the whole thing. Is it acceptable to use profanity in public in places in Britain? I'd say, oh, yeah, in some places. Like Camden? Nope. No? No. Those people, they have real garbage there. Oh, yeah. They have original garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where you're living. OGG. Can't be walking around Notting Hill acting like a fucking jerk-off. No. Hugh Grant lives. And he lives there with Julia Roberts. So he fucks those trans. Wait, was it trans or just a hooker? I think it was his nanny or something, right? No, I think it was like a black hooker. It was something undesirable. Trans or what? That's crazy. The term is escort. To them. It wasn't an escort. It was a street lady. Lady was loose. Do you know the top five UK exports? Oasis? Fuck, yeah. Shout out to the boys. Let's go. Oasis. Dingleberries. Delicious. Class system. What else is there? Paul Malls. Paul Malls? Is that where they're from? That's American. Oh, Winston's. Winston's are American. Benson and Hedges. Benson and Hedges is what I was looking for. Winston's. Fucking Winston's Cup. This guy's nuts. And fuck. I don't. Fuck. Dude, with that hair, you have a founding father face. It's crazy. They look like you should be on the back of that. With a nickel or something. Sir Ari Shafir, founder of the first deli in the United States. He brought Bobca to George Washington. The Louvre. The Louvre. The Louvre. The Louvre? The bathroom? Yeah. Is that the Louvre? Yeah, they're not exporting that. Are you going to start calling it like a water closet and stuff? A WC, aluminum, the urinal. Urinal? Oh, yeah, dude. What's that? They're fucked over there. What? That's the urinal. Urinal? Urinal. Dude, every time I've been to Glastonbury, I can't stop laughing at every time they talk about going to the bathroom. Just say, hey, man, where's the bathroom? Go birds. Where's the bathroom? Where's the shithole? Go birds. Yeah. I might take on the birds. I think that's a trashy organization to really, like, set myself apart. When greeting someone new. Can you pick your nose in Britain? No. No. I'm going to hate it there. You can't eat boogers either. What? Then what are you going to do with them? Only at 12 o'clock at high tea. High tea. Yeah. I'll have the boogers, please. You got to do it with your pinky. Pinky. Pinky's out. I'll do a cup of Earl Grey and what type of boogers do you have? When greeting someone new in Britain, people tend to A, hug them, B, shake their hands, C, kiss them on the cheek, or D, hit them with a ball tap. None of the above. It's D, hit them with a ball tap. It's take your sword, move it to your weak side, do a full bow, and then lay down your coat for them to step over a puddle, of which there are many. Quite the gentleman. Yeah. What a fucking ball tap. Oh, I got to bring ball taps there. I got to make a list of shit I got to bring into British society. You really have an opportunity to change the culture over there. I really do. You really do, because you're just crazy enough to do it. Or you're going to turn into the Joker. Yeah. Oh, I'll have one of these I'll bring to them. Oh! Goddamn patriot right there. I'll put this away until I get to England. Where'd it go? Well, I say to you, sir, hey, don't. My fungo. I feel like they invented those. No. That's all. Wake up. Chub off. I think it just makes shit up. Fuck. Oh, mate. Do you know any Cockney sayings? I'll remember when I get there. Give me some. What's this mean? I'm outside having a hairy rag. Changing a woman's tampon. I would have to assume. From what I understand from Guy Ritchie movies, is that they like to rhyme. So I'm not serious. a what? Harry Rag. Harry Rag. Rag, W-R-A-G-G. Which I would assume is a synonym? No. It's got to be a beer or a cigarette. Rhymes with fag, which they call cigarettes. You're outside having a cigarette. Having a cig. Yo! Hairy rag. I'll go hairy rag over fag. A hairy rag, a fag. I'm having a smoke, mate. Before we do the job. Bees and honey, money. One time I was at the comedy store, I was working the door, and there was some British guy, and he goes, and I was so over everyone trying to make jokes when they came in. I was just over it. We had the best comics in the world, and you're going to fucking make a joke. And so I was ringing somebody up, and I turned, and he goes, do you allow fags here? And I was like, yes. It's L.A., man. Everybody sucks dick. And then I turned back around, he had already lit up, and I was like, oh, no. That is actually not allowed. You're all over, you turn around, your dick's out. Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Okay. Okay, let's talk about Helix. Helix. Let's talk about Helix once again. We can't say enough about Helix. They've been with us from the beginning. If you're looking for a good night's sleep, you want a Helix. Am I right or am I wrong? You're right. That's right. You go over there, you take the quiz, one, two, three, two minutes, find out how you sleep, whether you sleep cold, hot, if you're tall, if you're fat, if you're short, light, heavy, anything you want. They'll match up with the perfect mattress for you. I'm turning it right now. Both of us sleep on Helixes. Our family members sleep on Helixes. Everybody loves Helix. Do yourself a favor, get a Helix. Yeah, I had one for about five, at least five, six years now, maybe. Game changer was the first thing, the first adult, purchase I made where I'm like, you know what? I got to stop being a bozo. I'm going to upgrade. Also, they sent me a free one. I liked it so much. We upgraded to a king. I got one at the high. I wore a coat that my mom's got. Everybody's freaking got one. They got free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with U.S. shipping, with free shipping in the U.S., 120-night sleep trial, and a limited lifetime warranty. The Happy with Helix Guarantee, rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix Guarantee offers a risk-free customer-first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. They got over 20 models for you, Danny. Let's go. Go to helixsleep.com for 20% off site-wide, 25% off luxe mattresses, and 30% off elite mattresses. How you doing? That's helixsleep.com slash garbage. One more time, 20% off site-wide, 25% off luxe mattresses, 30% off elite mattresses. Make sure to enter our show name at checkout so they know the boy sent you. Helixsleep.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Kip, let me chime in real quick. I'll chime. Chime. Chime. See what I did there? I chimed in with Chime. And let's be honest, younger version of me, but a really used Chime. I'll tell you that right now. Where were these guys when I was 16? I know. Where were these guys when you were 40? Let's be honest. Everybody hates banking fees. Everybody can't stand that stuff. That's where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. They're not like a traditional old bank where they charge you fees and gatekeep perks and all that kind of stuff. Chime. Talk about. Perks and rewards. Woo. Chime's the best. Do yourself a favor. Start using Chime. Free banking. Feel free. Fee-free banking. Mm-hmm. Feel free. Feel free to bank with fee-free banking. I hate that. Not to mention no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balance fees. That's what I'm talking about. Sometimes Uncle Hank gets a little light in the pocket. Yeah, they got stacked benefits. You'll get 5% cash back on Chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries. All while budgeting credit through regular everyday spending with no credit check. Big man likes that. You can also grow your money faster with savings rate. That's nine times the national average. Check that. Nine times the national average. So right now, join the millions who are already banking fee-free with America's number one choice for a banking. Head to Chime.com slash garbage at Chime.com slash garbage. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. Do it. Do it. Damn, I didn't know Harry Rag. Harry Rag. Guy's not gonna be in a lot of trouble there. How about, how about. Are you, are you, and when you're with, when you're with a lady, are you, are you a big PDA guy? Like public displays of affection? No, only strangers. You do a little smooching? Only strangers. Only ever strangers. And I do the thing where the people got back from war and I'll just take a random girl, dip them, and then give them the long kiss. True or false? Public displays of affection. Like passionate kissing are widely accepted. No way. That's because of their breath. Zero. Yeah, they make their teeth tangled. They'll be like two dogs after sex. Unable to exit. Or two deer. You ever see two deer tangled up? And one just walking around with the other deer's head. Oh, the head. The one died. He's like, I'm still living. Yeah. It's gonna be you. I'm a survivor. What would it mean if I said, I'm Hank Marvin? Okay, it's either gonna mean that I actually am a guy named Hank Marvin, which I doubt that's what you mean. I'm Hank Marvin, which I'm hungover. Hank Marvin, I'm starving. I'm hungry. They rhyme. Yeah, that's what they do. They all rhyme. I thought we had that today. No, Cockney was criminals. And they rhyme. And that was their code. Wow. I'm Hank Marvin. I'm starving. I'm starving over here. Play your beans and mash. Hello. What's all this then? Hello, governor. You're pretty good. You can visit me. No way. In this political climate? I don't think so. I'm Hank Marvin. I'll just watch the episode. I gotta write all these down. Because I really want a day one. I really want a day one. Use every slang thing I can do. I picture you just listening like you're just sitting on the plane just watching this episode over and over, writing it down. Hey, someone in the comments, write down all the slang so I can just look at that and then get it all. All right. This is a tricky one. Wait, wait. How do you say? Tricky. Top level ADM guy from London. Yeah, I know Tricky. Yeah. Tricky was in The Fifth Element. Fifth Element. Yeah. Killed in that. He was great. Okay. Come on, Trickster. Okay. If you're running late for an appointment. Yeah. Oof. You forgot your phone. You forgot to check your what? Timepiece. No. Pocket watch. No. Big Ben. We have a similar word for it. Big Ben. Old Ben. Something maybe you write down to have your appointments. Note. Sure. Keep going. I forgot. Didn't check my. Note card. Which could be what? My Rolodex. When you're. Fuck! You are the biggest donor of all time. Notepad. I know. I'm just saying it's just years of being hot. I'm just crumbling under pressure. My Rolodex. A bus has to stay on. Time. My note time. My note time. Do you know what it is? Schedule. My note schedule. Schedule. Schedule. God damn. I mean, you led me on a joke that I couldn't even figure out the setup on. Ari was stuck outside on that. And when you get there. Oh, I can't wait to go to like a real like EDM bar and be like, punch my dance card. My lady. Oh, my lady. I got to hit some people with some my lady. When you get to set appointment and you're late, what is the proper thing to say? I blame it on the tube. No. The overground was delayed. The overground? My lady. My lady. All apologies. Disculpeme. You're close. My lady, the tube was delayed. It wasn't my fault. You had the right word. Apologies. Apologies. Apologies, gentlemen. Apologies. And then take my sword. Oh, this is Japanese culture. Take my sword and stab my sword. Whip it around. No, that's Japanese. Sorry. I'm mixing up my cultures. Do that in the middle of Harrods. They throw you out. We're going to go into every bar and be like, who have we colonized today? Somebody give me my spices. Where's my myrrh? I need more intense and myrrh. I can't spell Punjabi without Ari. Punjari. That's my boy, Punjari. What's it mean if you say this guy is full of beans? He's lying. That's pretty good. He's full of beans. Or he's mean. He's mean. He's full of beans. He's lying. I'd be pretty upset if I was full of beans. Or he's stuffed. He has to use the bathroom. Full of beans. Or he's farty. Farty? Could be farty. I say lying. Yeah, he's full of beans. Yeah, full of beans. Lying. Oh, I thought you guys knew. No. What? He's looking at me like, who's going to answer? His computer isn't even on. He goes, oh, I asked a question. I start guessing. It means he's energetic. Oh, full of beans. Oh, full of beans. Full of beans. He's got a lot of energy. Yeah, pep and beans or whatever. That sounds right. Full of beans. Oh, you guys are full of beans today at my Tottenham game. Tottenham match. What would you say? What's it mean if I say, have a Captain Cook? What? I have a Captain Cook? Dude, I already just got one. Oh, force Shanghai to bend the knee to the crown? I don't even get that. Take back Hong Kong. I think Captain Cook was the one who launched missiles off the shore of Shanghai. I don't know. Captain Cook? I think it was Captain Cook. They didn't have missiles back then. Shanghai has missiles? No, they didn't have shit. So he just launched a warship right there and he goes, take our opium. And they go, no. He goes, take our opium. We'll just destroy fucking Shanghai. Well, Sir Walter O'Reilly, who defeated the Spanish Armada with a burning ship. They were parked too close together. Really? Yeah. He sent them in. Speaking of too close together, shout out Oliver Tree. Shout out to him. Let's space out those helicopters from now on, everybody. Shout out to Mr. Oliver Tree. What a fucking loss. Yeah. Legend. Legend. That works there. Oh, yeah. Works as British slang. If you've never listened to the song Cowboys Don't Cry, do yourself a fucking favor. Listen to it. Slag off, Oliver. Slag off into heaven. Godspeed, mate. He looks at me for approval. You seem more British than I do. Are you going to shave? Are you going to change your appearance when you're over there? I'm going to reinvent myself, dude. I can be anything. It's first day of summer camp. You should start wearing suits all the time. Yeah. You'll be hot over there. And a waistcoat. I'm going to fucking home invade. Jimmy Carr, he won't know. Those guys have no security. home invaded them steal all those fucking suits i'm coming for your car you bring any guns with you all of them there you go yeah and crossbows i'm gonna do their shit i'm taking i'm getting a mace on a stick i'm taking over bro you should start wearing suits you should shave walking like a gentleman you know what you need to get though sword and an umbrella yeah you gotta get an umbrella umbrella with a sword in it yeah and there's one more thing you need what's that a london fog jacket that a hundred percent you need a raincoat no joke i'm getting that you need a pair of wellies a nice duster i have a pair of wellies what's a welly wellies are boots that go up to pretty much your knee just rubber boots they're first they're for festival me wellies are you gonna get a range rover like an old range rover i don't think i'm gonna have a car out there really yeah but but coaching horses oh my god dude i'm gonna pull up to everything in a coach i bet you can rent them like you can rent limos and i'm for sure doing that going around like jack the ripper just any comedy party i'm gonna jump in for my fight this outfit's jumping out of a stage cheerio gentlemen you has the molly gotten here yet yes right get a hooker and have her have her come out gently i'm like all right seriously my time's up oh man oh my god i can't wait to get a stage coach to a fucking party is that a thing i don't know i will i don't think it's a thing he's gonna cause this guy's gonna cause problems this has international incident written all over it ari might have been contracted by the caa to go over there and cause by the caa shout out to justin yeah shout out justin always keeping it love you buddy justin come over get some bangers i'm bringing a couture to the culture that's right uh okay what's percentage of a typical tip for good service in old jolly old england i know what it is but to the jews they have a separate amount there shout out hotspurs what is it zero percent no ten percent i know is their standard ten percent that's fucking no no you're not gonna tip i'm gonna ask for cash back i'm gonna ask for a discount i'm goddamn ari shaffer if i pay cash can i get the fucking pro deal i love that from dice he goes in at 7-eleven and pays like i'll pay cash give me the pro deal like what pro deal he goes come on come on come on cash cash for real cash is king i do love paying in cash in any bodega here they go yeah of course no tax we'll keep this to ourselves oh yeah uh what's the meaning you say oh well you also you're not supposed to tip in pubs no right they just give you back the nickel yeah yeah i would you'll keep it to deal with all that change all those quarters i'm gonna tip i'm gonna change your culture and tip i can't not even in australia people come back they go are you sure i'm like no not anymore with that attitude but yeah yeah i had a taxi driver tell me no one time no to a tip he's just like nah i was like it was like four euro i was just like oh here's a 10 and you're like because in my head i'm like i'm i'm gonna give you two three bucks anyway so it's yeah yeah just keep it take the six it's such a power move to just go keep it to any bodega just like it's fine and they're like oh thanks i i me and jay were in uh in uh ottawa at a festival doing mushrooms and we ordered a pizza later and i couldn't tell you know when you're fucking flying i couldn't tell all the bills were they're different bills and they're all crumpled up my pocket and i just like go to the delivery guy and just like um here i think i just like take these back i'm like all right thank you honest guy honest guy all right what's a proper way to greet a friend of yours i'm gonna give you two three bucks a woman that you don't know in britain the thing on the on the puddle trench coat on the puddle okay kiss their hand you go down to one knee kiss their hand tongue hit him with a gooch yeah take their hand go like that and i'm gonna take american culture to there let's go down to one knee my lady yeah baby i gotta watch that movie again dude i was we were just talking about brush up on british culture that's gonna be all dated shagging yeah let's have a shag do you know the current exchange rate between the u.s dollar and the british pound i'm jewish 1.33 jesus christ is it yeah man well i have it the other way 1.35 no oh from brits to from pounds to from dollar one dollar is how many ish pounds but you're probably right the other way around 0.75 yeah it's tough the other way i don't really you just looked no i didn't is that right yeah hello hello mate there you go that's all we got 75 cents they got 25 cents on us what did you say 1.5 1.33 it's 1.34 man you're jewish he gets three he gets the trades keep that war in iran going we'll get that dumber down so are you getting you're going over there you're getting jammed up we're going over there you're getting jammed up what do you mean you're losing money you're losing money it costs less you get a shot of whiskey for 290 that's what you're focused here be five bucks that's your economic plan is based on whiskey shot of whiskey it's all scotch i'm just i'm just putting all my money in scotch you have a british beer that you like drinking you don't go there and like don't drink the cheap fucking you know uh croatian look at this piece of trash beer cider bro beer me fucking garbage person you get the balls on this guy last night cider i'm sitting there drinking a budweiser beer budweiser yeah it's actually i believe it was a czech beer there is a czech budweiser still around yeah i think it was the same or maybe there's no relation i spit in your face slapped the shit out of me budweiser um i think it might have been the same family but anywho yeah any who sounds british anywho i go he goes he he's already trying to be he thinks he's classier than he is and he goes he's across he doesn't even come over like there's like 15 feet he's talking over people he goes what kind of beer is this i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know like he's like contemplating is it a lager he goes i go i think a lager he comes over here is it a pilsner he starts reading my label i'm gonna get the fuck you won't want or not dickhead fucking getting over here meanwhile then i gotta pay for his beers i got wings coming here here let me show you how i'm gonna go into every bar this is because i do do this in in england and i love it it's this come in sit at the bar get beat up put your knife down let him know you're not in trouble so you go lager and that's it a lager yeah like you're in a movie just punt me one yeah no blades no bows leave your weapons here that's right that's right do you have a brand that you like of of of i hate them all what about bass ale i don't like a nice bass ale oh that's theirs yeah i believe so right luke luke can you give me the list of the top five uh black and tan give me a snake bite make it quick sex on a beach i'm a black and tan i'll do a blue iguana and uh some of them crisps british beers i know magners is on there that's a cider that's a cider that's my jam and uh goober boffin or whatever it's called the fucking flavored the flavored one riddle riddle quarter riddling riddling i don't know we got a beaver town fuck off no no no that's a made up that's an ipa fake that's an ai fake no great what this is a bad list bad list ai is always wrong bass bass ale that's on there what about the green one there's a green one mickey's big mouth fuller's seems to be a big one fuller's there's a green one magners i said that yeah fuller's you got newcastle oh of course the black yeah there you go that's a nice that's a nice uh little pop ice cold newcastle what's the fucked up old peculiar tenants it's tenants i don't know john smith's hey the pint of joan smith's smith wicks smith wicks smith wicks tenants is great castle marston's timmy taylor's people's like timmy taylor i mean a couple of timmy taylor's in a pack of crisp eight i don't know any of the camden town show off this looks like all new age shit yeah these are like these are micro brews you know what you're not you know you are gonna enjoy over there it's a gun yeah what i know you got a bit of a sweet tooth oh yeah nice british candies get a lemon sherby lemon sherbert candy a little sherby bit in the middle like the one where you stick the thing the push pop no the flintstones if that helps sure no this is a hard candy lemon sherby right luke i'm really gonna try the percy pigs are a big one percy pig you know what those are no what's their least flavorful candy what's the british like recession candy that's still around probably probably black licorice hey two chips of wood for you are you gonna start eating goose yeah pate goose foie gras oh that's french yeah that's french um can't get a decent piece of foie gras in england maybe i can i don't know i don't know ever been there seems like a lovely country to be honest with you shout out to them i like the stones not a fucking ass rolling of course um roses all right which of these is not considered a british social norm holding the door littering using please and thank you or giving somebody you don't know a wet willy i gotta think it's the last one i gotta believe it's the last one but also let's test it let's see what these people how they feel about wet willies or noogies i feel noogies are more aggressive what the fuck is it no if somebody gave me a wet wet do wet willy it's on site you'd be more upset by a wet woolly but a noogie is more violent yeah but a wet willy is they penetrate you they penetrate they enter they they and they lubricate themselves and that's bodily fluid and you get you get in there and it's like deep and you can't get it out so like kind of all day you still feel it the answer was uh thank god you guys are wearing headphones right now oh dude i just went through my head i said thank god he can't get me be littering you don't litter in britain oh so there's two no i made the second one the last one up no comedy show Comedy podcast. Are you rubbish? He's going to say littering. Yeah, I do it in New York now just because it's like- You're littering? Done with the bottle. I'm leaving. Fuck this town. Man, what a piece of shit. Old York. This fucking guy. I'm an old York guy, guys. I rep old York. I'm old South. Yeah. Are you going to get a British citizenship? I can apply after three years. I got my artist visa. I'm five years in. I can vote. I probably won't. I can vote. I can- That's crazy. Who do they vote for? I'm just voting for the fucking tallest one. I'm going to fuck that with the system. How's the air up there? I thought they had a king. No. Prime minister. I'm also going to- Parliament, I'm sure. Judges. All right. I'm going to call him president until people leave me out of political discussions. That's what I'm most excited for. I so don't know their system that people are like, you can't join in on this conversation. I'm like, that's all I ever wanted here. Can you go to parliament and watch? Those guys are killing over there. They're murdering. I believe they do have an open- Yeah. Dude, those guys are all funny as shit. God, if you saw me on stage yesterday, I could be one of those fucking guards that won't laugh. Okay. Anyway, from audio audits yesterday- That's with that jacket. We have the hat if you want it. Oh, really? We have the beef eater hat. Doesn't look right. Beef eater. It's a beef eater. What is that, gin? Yeah. Kip, let me chime in real quick about Chime. Chime. Chime. And let's be honest, younger version of me would have really used Chime. I know. Let's be honest. Talk about perks and rewards. Woo. Chime's the best. Do yourself a favor. Start using Chime. Free banking. Feel free. Fee-free banking. Mm-hmm. I feel free. I hate that. You'll get 5% cash back on Chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries, all while budgeting credit through regular everyday spending with no credit check. Big man likes that. That's nine times the national. The national average. Check that. Head to Chime.com slash garbage. That's Chime.com slash garbage. Sign up now. Do it. Do it. I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either going to be okay. No. Stop. Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned, but we have each other. FX is the bear. The final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+. For a guy. That's the. Well-traveled. This is like, I'll do it. For a guy well-traveled, you don't really know what the hell's going on. No, I'm really a bad traveler. Speaking of travel, I have a travel podcast. Of course. Called You Be Trippin'. You've both been on there individually and as a group. Mm-hmm. You be holidayin'. You be holidayin'. Oh, you be holidayin'. You be holidayin'. Don't. If you start fucking talking, it's going to bother me. Bro, that's going to make me more likely to say it. I know. And that's what bothers me. That's why I love and hate you. If I see it bugging people, I'm going to. If I see it actually hurt people, I'll pull you aside and do a real apology. But if I see it slightly annoy anybody, I'm digging in. Where are you going to vacation? Where do British people go on vacation, Luke? The Yorkshires. Give me a beach. The Yorkshires, Bristol. Yorkshires. Anyway, every year. On my travel podcast, You Be Trippin', I give out awards. Best trip, best guest, least adventurous, biggest piece of shit award, the Joe DeRosa award. Mm-hmm. And I have every year Most Disgusting as an award. It's usually for stepping in a puddle in fucking India that's like too yellow. I cut my foot off. So this year. I'd rather a wet willy. I ain't done. What the heck's this? The Trippie Award winner for Most Disgusting. Me? H. Foley. H. Foley for shitting in his pants on a fucking. Shitting right in your pants. Oh, wow. Look at that. It's a butt plug. It's a butt plug, H. That's beautiful, Ari. Thank you. Congratulations. 2020, 2025 Trippie Award. Yeah. Most Disgusting, Busch Shart. Busch Shart. Oh, for Route 66. It happened so many times, you didn't know. I only told you about one. I didn't know I shit my pants in Greece. I like to thank the good folks at McDonald's. For really making it possible. Shout out to the Taco Bell Cantina menu, everybody. Ari, that's nice. Yeah, congratulations. You've been a crap you give me. Grief. Beautiful, Ari. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you. Thanks for shitting for the benefit of my audience. Of course. Sharting, excuse me. Of course. I'm a goddamn award winner. Yeah. Next is an Emmy. Who's the Karen Prime Minister? Margaret Thatcher. That one I know. That's a big bitch. The Iron Lady. Margaret. I'm just going to answer confidently like Americans always do. Sure. Margaret fucking Thatcher. So what do you guys think? Tony Blair's doing a good job? It's Tony Blair. It's not. It's Bruce Johnson. Bruce Hills. Bruce. No, it wasn't. Bruce. It was Benny Hill. Benny Hill. Benny Hill. Tim Burke. Who is the current Prime Minister? It was Johnson, and now it's some other dickhead. I have it. Some other dickhead. It's Kysonette. Kyson, is it? Kaiser Soze is the current. Strewski. It's I show speed. I'm just being dragged. The current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is Keir Starmer. Keir? Who assumed office on July 5th, 2024. You find it weird that they take fucking office after July 4th? They have to take it a big L. They got to fucking get a new squad in there. The Prime Minister is the guy who's in charge of severance? What the fuck is this show? Keir? I don't know. It's a deep cut. Kieran Culkin? A bunch of people. Some people don't get it. Have you ever seen the show? I don't think anybody gets it, and I'm pretty sure you don't get it. I don't know. Keir runs it. Kieran Culkin. All hail Keir. Keir Culkin's the Prime Minister of Britain? Yes. Okay, here. Let me ask you a question. This is for the ones and twos. What's the difference between Britain, England, and UK? What's the difference between Britain, England, and the UK? The United Kingdom refers to all of Her Majesty's or His Majesty's territories. So the colonies too? Yes. Like Canada's the UK? No, not anymore. No, they broke off. They switched it up. Yeah, but that's what it referred to, the United Kingdom. The Seychelles? Britain refers to everything on the island. Britain, Northern Ireland, and Scotland. Wales. And England refers to the actual property, England. Look at this guy. Is that right? Dude, this L-theanine's really working. I'm smart as shit. But in that, you said the thing, British is on the island. Yeah. Britain refers to. Great. Great Britain. England, Northern Ireland, and Scotland. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And then England is England. And then soon Scotland will break free. This is what I'm going to get arrested for. Have another referendum. You guys are out. EU will take you and give you tons of fucking free shit. They'll pay for your college. Who are you talking to? England pays for Scotland's college. Everyone in Scotland gets free college because they fucking bent the knee. Okay. So you're saying. That's the only reason they don't leave. You want Scotland to leave and go to the EU. Free Scotland. Free Scotland. Everyone's talking about free Palestine, free fucking tacos on Tuesday. How about free Scotland? This episode's slagged. Yeah. Will you be going back to school? Will you be going to university? Uni. Uni. Yeah. Are you going to go take some classes? I'm going to go hit on fucking uni chicks. Try to get them back to the new. Uni brow chicks. Uni brow. You going to Poland? Yeah. Maybe I'll go to uni and take a class. I'm going to go take a class. Didn't you already take a class? You took a writing class in France. I'm finishing school. I'm going to finishing school. You have to wear the book on your head? I'll become a gentleman. There you go. I'll learn to be the opposite of this. How to bend your napkin over, dip it, then bend it back and hide it. Well, they used to use the tablecloth back in the day. No way. It was considered. What? Yeah. Use the tablecloth. Spoken like a rogue. I'm telling. A rogue? You're going to get your ass kicked. I'm Scallion. I'm going to get my ass kicked. I'm going to rap Scallion. Stop it, you ne'er-do-wells. Stop it, you. Nerf pistols at dawn. Unhand me. Your friend Jimmy Carr can induce you to some people. You got to get on that goddamn Graham Norton show. He's the biggest thing over there. Who the fuck is Graham Norton? Why does everybody say that? Who the fuck is that guy? I'll tell you right now, and I'll tell you what. You just went late. Somebody get this back to him. Graham Norton is the best late-night talk show host ever. Graham, spell it. He has the best format. He's got all celebrities on. They're all drinking wine. They're talking. Drinking wine? I'm back in. Graham, I'm sorry I disrespected you. I'm here for the wine. You don't know the Graham Norton show? I'll just hang out in the green room for that wine. Who's on there? You're treating like the green room of the mothership. You're in there dropping acid. Smoking heaters. Guys, I'm glad you enjoyed your punch today. Now for the surprise. You dose Helen Norton? I hope you packed your bags, because you're going on a trip. How do they say dosing in England? Illegally dosing you. By the way, everyone in England, when that birthday came out. Harrison Ford is his boulder. - They were all like, yeah, My friends have all done that to me. They lived harder there. Maybe it's just northern England. So you're truly going home to where you belong then. Truly, truly. You're going to take those black cabs? Hey, they're African-American. Easy, dude. Easy. Now we're getting flagged. You're going to take the- The penny farthing. That's not what they're called. Penny farthing's a bike. And I'm getting one. It's a bar. And I'm getting one. I'm excited right now. Anyone who has a for sale used penny farthing, bring it to this guy. That's what the big time and the little time. Reach out to me on Instagram. You know what I'm talking about, the black cabs. The black car. The cars are darker cars. And then you sit opposite each other. You can fold down seat. So four people, you can face each other. Oh, that's pretty sick. It is pretty sick with a lot of room. Yeah. Penny farthing. A penny farthing. Yeah. Get you one right now. Dude, I'm going to take a penny farthing to the coaching horses, rent that, then penny farthing. 18, two grand. No, there's one for $11. That's a key chain, you bozos. What about the one on top? That's a key chain. What are these key chains? What do you think? You're going to buy an antique bike for $29? I want a new. I want a new. With free shipping? Yeah. You fucking idiots. Penny for the exact Republic of 1880. Includes shipping and the price. No, no. I want a new. I don't need a fucking antique one. I just want a real functional one. That is a functional one. Models has one for $18.50. No, they don't. Wait, Models, the sporting goods store that closed 25 years ago? Yes, that's right. My references are old. Where are you going to shop? Models a lot. No, I don't know if Models is a legal guy. Uniqlo is big. Uniqlo? What are you, a Japanese? Tourist? Yeah, you can't wear that shit. You walk around in a super dry, like a dickhead. Super dry. Oh, that's awesome. I'm not wearing G-Star rolled denim and stuff like that. What is their stores? They have like- You got Harrods? Europe loves G-Star. I'm only going to wear clothes I buy at auction. What does that mean? I'm going to bid on clothes. The Sotheby's? Yeah, Sotheby's. They make the cake. For like used shorts with like a hole in the bottom of them. They're like, do I have one? Do I have one? One, one, one, one. Do I have one? Do I have one? Two, two, two for the gentleman with the white wig. Do I hit 2019 for the Iron Man graphic tee? The gentleman in the back dressed like Sherlock Holmes. I'm going to get a garage beer. Have a garage beer, Ari. You came to Skanks with like six garage beers in your bag. Elysian Skanks. Yeah. Yeah, because I don't like the Stan's beer selection anymore. Whoa. They don't have garage beer. They got Hot Chicks Waitresses again. That's back. That's back. It's been a long time. It's the argument. It's the guarantee. Are you going to shop at Tesco? Tesco. That's it. Yes. I have shopped at Tesco for a festival beer. That's a really nice award. If you need a matching top up, right? Yeah. I mean, there's so many people I want to thank. First, I want to not thank Kevin. This is a real glass. Are you going to be upset with this when I walk around with this for a little while? You walk around with it? Just everywhere you go. I get my free drink. Go to 7-Eleven. Free Slurpee with the award. He took Ari's award to Sardi's. The award took me to Sardi's. I go right to In-N-Out Burger. Ari just spilled that garage beer. Well played, guys. God damn it, Ari. Well played. You shook them all before you came in. That's not going to fly at a British pub. What's your problem, mate? You're spilling all the garage beers. What do they call it? Carriage house. No. What do they call a garage over there? I don't know. Quick go, Hot Shot. Carport. Carport, yes. Carport. In the carport. The gentleman. What? It's lager and Pilsner. You just call it by the thing, right? Yeah. You would order a brand, though, too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the thing. I mean, you could take Yingling, America's oldest brewery, Philadelphia, Potsdown, Pennsylvania. You go, hey, give me a lager, and that's, you know. They'll know. If you're in Philly, go give me a lager. It's going to be that. They'll give you a Yingling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what used to be pronounced Youngling, but people couldn't pronounce it? Did you know that? And they changed it to Yingling? No. Did you know that? It's the guy's last name. Did you know that, what is it, Dutchland was Deutsch? Deutschland. No, Deutschland. I just told you. I told you. That the Amish are not Dutch. They're Deutsch? They're of German descent. Yes, they're of German descent. But we call it Dutch country because we couldn't pronounce Deutsch. And then who made the pretzels? They did. It's Germans. That's why that's. No, but the hard ones, the Snyders of Hanover. They're Amish. They rule. I'm going to stop. This is Ari of Jerusalem. I'm going to stop persecuting them. I say let them build their houses. Give us those pretzels. That's very British. Snyders of Hanover. You can't get pretzels over there. Hanover. Yes. Ah, yes, the Snyders of Hanover. The Foley's of Bluebell. Yes, the Foley's of Bluebell. They're a lovely, splendid group. I will. Okay, I'm starting to think of more stuff to do. If I have a party, I'm having an announcer for each time someone comes in. Hear ye, hear ye. The fat idiots have arrived. That's definitely. And me and Foley come in. I'll give everyone on the guest list. Here, the fat idiots have arrived. That's good. H and Kevin. And they're like, man, take a coat, Your Honor, or whatever. Your Honor. Your Excellence. Ari, when you're having fish and chips, are you going to get haddock or are you going to get cod? I did not know there was cod. Haddock. Haddock. Haddock. Haddock is more flavorful. I learned that. I didn't know there was two options. To a lady that played Queen, what's her name? The one that just died. Queen Elizabeth. On the show The Crown. Kate Beckinsale. No. Who did a commercial for Burberry. The one from Peep Show? With the hot chick that cooks. The hot chick that cooks for her husband. Her husband, Smokey or something like that, is a model. He's fantastic in the commercial. They did a Burberry commercial together. He's fantastic. The chick from Peep Show, too? Yes. She died? No, died. Olivia Colman. Yes. Olivia Colman's dead? No. She just did a Burberry ad. Hey, can you, at the end of this episode, after the credits or whatever, can you put in a memoriam in memoriam for Olivia Colman? Just put all her best stuff from Peep Show, everything. And a God Save the Queen. We'll miss you, Olivia. We're going to miss you, buddy. Yeah. Fried Mars bars. Oh, I'll give you that. Now, listen. Fried Mars bars. That's trash. That's trash. You've never heard of that? No. How do you normally eat Mars bars? Not correctly. Hey, the Mars bars over there, they don't got the almonds in it, either. It's a Milky Way. What? That much I knew. Right, Luke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you got to watch out for that. A lot of times, Luke just says, yeah, because he doesn't want to type. No, he knows England. He's been over there. Have you? My girl is from there. Yeah, his girl's from Britain. My girl. Talking about my lass. My lass. Ooh, Sunday roast, Ari. How do you know? How do you know about Sunday roast? Oh, that's another one. I'm getting a local. What's a local? I'm getting a local bar where they know you. Uh-huh. And they have Sunday roasts. And all the regulars of the local have the Sunday roast. They just go there for the Sunday roast. That's pretty awesome. I'm finding my local. I got to find out where I'm going to live first, but that's the number. That's the number one thing I'm doing. Figgy pudding? Sticky toffee pudding. Sticky toffee? That's also anal sex. Sticky toffee pudding is also known as anal sex. Berries and cream? It's the original Dubai chocolate. Do you know the story of Dubai chocolate? No. This is not for the show, but it was a thing. You would go there and get a hooker to poop on your chest, and they called it Dubai chocolate. Dubai wants to redo their name, so they flooded the market with actual chocolate, calling it Dubai chocolate. You didn't know about this two years ago, right? Right. No one knows about this. No one saw Dubai chocolate two years ago. They're Google washing Dubai chocolate, so now when you Google search Dubai chocolate, the sex stuff does not come up first. What? That's what the boys like over there? Somebody to shit on their chest? I don't get that. I think tourists go there. To get shit on their chest? If it was good enough for Hitler, it's good enough for you. Why? Did Hitler do that? That's what we heard, but we weren't trying to give him his props or anything, so maybe we made it up. I don't get that. I mean, God love anybody what you want to do, but Jesus Christ. Shit on your chest. I don't get it. How's he going to wash that out? You got hair in there. It's crazy. You're getting caught in the hair. You think that's the biggest problem is the hair? I don't know. Fair. I'd do a finger in the butt, something like that. You know what I mean? I had a couple of drinks with me, a little Tudorutsky. Okay, good for you, guy. I like to get a finger in the butt and then have it come out in like this, so it makes it sound. I don't actually like that. Never tried that on me. Also, isn't your asshole actively falling out of your body? Yep, it is actively falling out. A lot of the inside is outside. You got dysentery, mate. I got to find some old diseases to get. Guys, this has really helped me so far. I'm really getting some shit to do there. I have a few more. When you get your medical marijuana card, they ask you what you have. I got the blag. The blag. Me asshole falling out. Me bum's coming apart. Hey, no birds. Stick your finger in my tooth. Me butthole's on the floor. Me butthole's in the mall. I mean, on the floor. Don't be figuring my tooth, lass. Those British chicks are tough. They're tough over there. You got to watch. They're wild. They'll stab you. They'll stab you. They'll wet you. Yeah, they'll wet you. Wet you. You never heard that? No. Make you wet from blood on the outside of your body? Look at you. Wet you. Give it, old man. They'll wet you. Why does it smell like wee in here? It's Colin Farrell in Wee in Here. The Gentleman, right? Oh, The Gentleman, yeah. Great movie. I tell you what, that guy, Richie, he's great. He's great. He does good stuff. He does. No one doesn't like Guy Ritchie. No. You know what I saw? The League of Ungentlemanly Warfare with Henry Cavill. Cavill. Jesus. Great movie. He was Jesus. No. Who was Jesus? Harry Cavill? No. Henry Cavill? Jim Caviezel. Jim Caviezel. Yeah. You see how the mistake was made? Yeah. You like that movie? So it's like, go easy on me. You like that movie? That's right. I did like that movie because it was made by Jewish producers. No, it wasn't. Mel Gibson made that movie. Fuck off. Wait, he made that? Oh, yeah, he did make that one. He's got a new one. coming out. Passion of the Christ 2. This time, it's personal. in space. Finishing the job. It's all about the resurrection. Oh, really? That'd be fun. Very sci-fi. What do you know about British drill rappers? Drill rappers? Oh, a little Danny Brown. He loves Brit rappers. Danny Brown? Danny Brown loves all that shit. I did a little drill in Brazil. What are you, Ryan? Are you Dr. Seuss? A little drill in Brazil. If you dance free-vo. Cut that. No, no. Double that up. Double and triple it. So we keep hearing the joke over and over again. Cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it. I just start saying horrible profanities to dump the tape. That's an old Keith Robinson drill. I thought it was Brooklyn drill. You know that when you're bombing back in the day when you were bombing like a Tonight Show set? You just start going, fuck! Bullshit! They can't use it. I was gonna just start cursing. You know who Central C is? No. Oh, I know. I know. That's one of the Spices. Spice Girls. Do you know what the BBC is? Big Black. Black Channel. Yeah, I know the BBC. I think there's like four channels there and that's it. They don't even get HBO yet. Listen, for everybody over in England, Great Britain, the UK, Ari is a sweet, law-abiding gentleman. Take good care of him and shelter him in your bosom. Shelter me in my bosom. Find the good dealers. I'm excited about that. Not testing your drugs anymore. Woo! Woo! You don't think there's fentanyl over there, you dumbass? Nope. Look it up. There's not. It's an American thing. There's no fentanyl. You'd have to look hard to get some. No, definitely not going. Yeah. If somebody hands you something, you can just trust it. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't even just do that anyway, to be honest with you. No leans. There's no leans. There's lays, but there's no leans. What's a lean? Lean is Oh. They'll sleep on the street with bums, but like Heroin's big over there. Oh, heroin's big. Maybe I'll get, nah. It's not big here. Take a walk down Kensington. They still have Quaaludes. A little opium den. They have that over there? I gotta be honest. I think you're going to London for the wrong reasons. I think I'm going to London. Opium den! Burberry. Burberry and opium. Yeah, we're in Burberry. You gotta start wearing Burberry. Can you swing that stuff? That stuff's expensive. Yeah, I cannot. But maybe I'll home invade John Mulaney. I bet he's got some Burberry. John Mulaney? He ain't that good at fucking home care. I can break right in there. John Mulaney live in England? No, but I'll before I leave. I'm going to home invade that guy. Steal all his Burberry. He's the only guy I know that would have Burberry. Classy gentleman at John Mulaney. God, I love saying Burberry. Burberry. Burberry. London Fog. What's some other brands over there? Haynes. Haynes? That's American to the core. I need me a pair of skivvies, mate. They don't even have grapes over there. They got a Fruit of the Looms. They don't have grapes. They don't have any grapes. Barber. Barber. Barber coat. You know, that's how Jack the Ripper got those broads again. Get into the carriage. What? Offered him grapes. Really? That's how they tracked him down and know that he was somebody. And then he got angry and that was the grapes of breath. No. What? Are you sure about that? That's John Steinbeck and that was based on the Depression era. Migrant workers. Sorry. So what grapes did they have? Only the rich people could get grapes delivered. They're the only guys that had Uber Eats over there. Delivery grapes? Fucking make a trip. Bodegas in every corner. When Jack the Ripper wanted to kill one of the streetwalkers to get to entice them over to him, he would be like, oh, would you like some? Oh, grapes. Thank you, governor. Then he fucking sliced them up. Slash. And that's how they found out who it was. They knew it was somebody in high society because they'd fight grape stems all over these broads. Oh. Wow. If you haven't seen the movie In Hell, it'll tell you all that stuff. With Johnny Depp. I'm currently there. Look at old Culture Cody over here. That's from a movie. You never saw In Hell? Nah, you've been quoting Grapes of Wrath. You've been quoting Jack the Ripper, Real History. You're a fucking Culture Cody today. Culture Cody, dude. My favorite quote right now is from a Humphrey Bogart movie. I'll see you again tomorrow. No, uh, not. Frankly, dear, I don't give a damn. Here's looking at you, kid. Yeah, that's Clark Gable. No. Clark Kent. I was born when I met her. I died when she left, and I lived for a few weeks while she loved me. Damn. That's fucking nice. What? What movie is that from? I don't know. I've heard it 5,000 times in the last 48 hours. I want to kill myself. I love it. I love that one. How good is that? I'm gonna steal that and I'll fucking call them to some chick. Yeah. You'll be crawling with gunny juice, mate. Hello. Oh, he's pretty good with the words, isn't he? I didn't think anybody was gonna break that walnut, but I already saw him came in here and took it home. I'll be, hey. With a Clark Gable clip. I gotta study this pod. I gotta study this episode and really get in there. You're killing it. I got one more for you. Uh, I know we got a rapper up there. No, no, no, no. How do you say wrap it up? How do you say wrapping? Call it quits. Shag off. Fuck. Oh. Fuck. Oh, mate. Fuck off. What's one more? Uh. You know we're gonna guillotine you at the end of this episode, right? Do you really think we're gonna let you go over to fucking Britain? Yeah, it's crazy. Call them all the cool shit we're doing over here? Do you really fucking see that happening, Ari? Oh, I'm gonna fucking miss you guys. He popped his clogs. Okay. It's when you take a girl's virginity by shoving a shoe up her pussy. Oh my god. You're gonna do well. Actually, I'm thinking of that. I'm thinking of that. That might not be it. Popped his clogs. Danced? Danced well? He broke his sneakers. He died. Oh. Oh. I don't know why, but that's why. Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time. Sir! Before he heads overseas. Before I get knighted. Before he runs back to England. I ain't gonna get Bob knighted. I'm gonna throw a chair in the court until they fucking knight me. Sir Ari. Ladies and gentlemen, you be trippin'. Keep your asshole in. Whatever. Oh, there you go. I thought he was taking his asshole out, dude. What do we got? See all of his specials on The End. Go watch The End. Oh, The End is available right now at rhgr.com. Seven one-hour episodes of stories from the best comics in the world. Minus two. Yeah, get an episode for six bucks. Get them all. Save seven for the price of five. That's a fucking British conversion rate. But yeah, it's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done, so fucking go support and get an episode. We wish you well. Yes. Thank you. Come back and see us, Ari. Guys, you gotta come visit me. I'll visit you in Ireland. I assume you don't go over to London. No, I'm going. We're going. We're going soon, I think. I think we'll be there in October. Where? England? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here! Why? Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah, but the audience doesn't know, and now they do. But guys, keep it to yourself, because there's been no official. I'm going to England? Relax. You're like a dog. There's no plans. October 12th through the 18th? I'm gonna be there? In the Hampton Inns? Room 609? Room 609? 2028? Ari, you've been so great to us. Buddy, I love you. We love you so much. I love you, too. I love you guys, too. And we're gonna miss you. I like you. Gang, we love you, and we'll see you next week, right here in the USA. Better believe it. Peace!