Are women leaving relationships too early? | Ep1 | The Girls are Talking

Get more with BBC Podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like Evil Genius, Good Bad Billionaire and Your Dead To Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts, Add Free, with an Amazon Music subscription. BBC Studios. The only reason why I didn't get a divorce is because I didn't have the 500 or 50 pounds. Who's on Virgin, but. You're on Virgin. I've never played for a man, particularly but. Well, it particularly. No, you've run up! Five girls and five takes on hot topics. From life, love, money and all the messy bits in between. We don't always have the same opinions. But that's a fun part, isn't it? But what we do agree on is keeping it so surreal. We have on the show two-time Grammy Award winner and it girl, Camille. And over here we have our favourite single girl about town. It's comedian, extra-ordinary, sorry for back-of-play. Radio presenter, culture queen and resident Viva is one. Author and content creator, Tara. And let's not forget our pop-culture icon, T-Sharp U-Canon. So, listen up, because the girls are talking! Yeah! Girls, can you believe they've given us our own show? I know! Absolutely not! Somebody's asleep in that commission's office. I'm so excited, though! I mean, I kind of like knew you a little bit outside of this. Yeah. But obviously, it's the first time we're all kind of getting to know each other. I love it. I'm super happy. I said it's like the power-puff girls, spy-skills, in a chemistry test shoot. Yeah! Wake it, and then, I'll come with the brats. And the brats. And the brats! But then, mixed with the Saturdays and the parties. Because we've all got, do you remember when the Saturdays had their own party? We love that! And also, can we just say a massive shout out to Keesh? Because the person who, honestly, for me, even spied us so much, all of us in this room, and it's just so nice to be on a show with you and just, yeah, share amazing things with you. Likewise, likewise, I'm obviously used to being with the girls. And so for me, I'm such a girls' girl to be able to, like, come in and, like, share the seats with you guys, and really just get to know you. I can't wait to tackle some really interesting topics. And, you know, we know that we don't always have to agree on the same thing, which is what I love about us. We all have a lot of fun. Backgrats, yeah. And it's going to be a lot of fun. And I'm sure a lot of people are going to be able to relate to us. From when we first met, like, we just caught a vibe, we think. Yeah. 100%. And we had a newer diverge moment. I was like, do you? Because we kept talking over each other. Tweedle, Darwin, Tweedle. That's right. Be careful about talking over each other. Then you were like, woo! And then it was like, I'll lend you. I mean, I'm sure if you're like, in fact, we're actually hominising right now. How about that? And then you said you got tested right for ADHD afterwards. I'm the rest. I just feel like we're all a bit on the spectrum now. We are. The spectrum of batteries present, I love that. The spectrum of colour. Yeah, let's hear it out. Let's hear it out. Let's hear it out. Cheers! Let's go. Cheers, darling. Cheers, darling. So, the Sugar Bays have announced finally our album. Woo! Everyone's got that. I'm so excited. And we dropped our new single Ghost as well. Yes. Which one of you guys put it on in the dressing room? I don't listen to my own music. Outside of just like working. So, I'll tell you something. You know, if you ever hear it coming from my dressing room, just know it's not me. It feels so iconically like you guys. Yes. It feels very throwback. Yes, yes, yes. We all listen to the iconic OG3. But do you know what it is? It's done well. Yeah. You know, like, sometimes people come back and just out. Yeah. You should have just. No, this is good. Thank you so much. This is good. It's on an annual vote. Yeah. So, on social media, you did like a Vogue cover. Yeah. You all look drop dead gorgeous. Thank you. Thank you. How does it feel to know that you're a Vogue? You know what? It feels jolly good. You know what I'm saying? It feels. Honestly, it doesn't go. I'm super humbled by it because it. Actually, I think I don't celebrate my successes enough. So, I feel like everyone else does it like. Yeah. I think the girls are quite similar as well. My high is a lot more high street than I'm so sorry. Okay, it's okay. So, there is a very famous. I can't shout their name. But there's a very famous pastry shop where you go and get some big goods. Do we know the one that we're talking about? Maybe rhymes with, like, fragrance or something? Yeah. Growing up, I don't eat pork. I'm not big fan of it. I think it's nasty. No porky on my forky. Don't dime with the swine. Fine. They have launched a chicken sausage roll. Oh, finally. Only just now. Very, very recently. I'm very, very recently. Do you tell me that, babe? You tell me that, and it's banging. I just feel like we need to start changing things. If a sausage roll is pork, a sausage roll should be poor. Okay, wait a second. I love pork, jerky, barbecue it, stew it, fry it. But I really. I love the sausage roll, but I can't engage it. So I. I hear it. So for you, it's a win. Do you know what I mean? I mean it's a win. I think we need to change it more. I think we need some gluten free. Some vegan gluten free. That's where the line gets drawn. No, man. We need to get there. We need to be more inclusive. You man got the vegan sausage roll before we got the chicken roll. Yeah, but it's not gluten free, and gluten makes you popular. You're not in the vegetarian one, and they're the vegetarians. No, I'm not. You didn't like it. It's not good. So the chicken one is your wife. I like him. Can I say, I like him eating sausage without someone clipping that? Yeah, you know what? I guess I do. Shoot me, goddamnit. That takes us onto the topic of today. So the question today is, are women leaving relationships too early? Not early enough. Do you know what? I do feel like us women have the standards that we've always dreamt of having for ourselves, which is really, really good. I don't think that we should stop having standards. But part of me does feel like there's a bit of work that can be done in relationships, especially at the beginning, that can often be skipped. And I feel like you could potentially lose a blessing. I'm just scared. I just feel like if we just give people a chance, a little bit more, you might develop something or see something you didn't see at the beginning when you walked away. However, if a guy's acting like an idiot, of course, he's gone. But just be patient, I think, a little bit more. But if we all were like, you have to act like this is the bare minimum. Yeah. And if you don't act like this, otherwise, no punani from any woman, then all the men will be like, we actually have no chance of any punani. We must do this. But if they feel like they can get you by doing this, they will. Yes. They will do that. So you're saying it's regular standards, basically. We all have to raise our standards for the good of all of us. Because if we, if some of us accept certain things, then they're going to go, I'll see that. And then the women that, for example, might be like, I don't tolerate that. Because we are social creatures by nature. When you're realising, actually, I'm not having any success relationships, because men are so happy to give the bare minimum. You find women who are. Some men. A majority of our darkies. I'd argue the majority of, do you know what? The way that I see it, I'll be honest, right? Yeah. And you guys tell me how you feel about this. I feel like the way that men operate on a general layman's terms, because I love how some of you decide to just take an idea and run with it, layman's terms, right? Very simplistically. I feel like men as a general rule operate by doing the lease that they can. Yeah. To get as much as they can in return, whereas with women. Yeah. We are, and these are conditioned, right? It's not men biologically like this. Women are conditioned to do the most that they can, and often we expect the least in return. Like, that's how I think. But men do the least to see what they can get the best out. But I think if we all collectively were like, actually, that's not running. Because you see certain cultures, right? Slavic culture, for example. Then babes are running that stuff like a tight shit. You are not taking me out unless there's 3,000 roses at the door. Let alone 10,000,000. Is it that way conditioned that Israel or is it that it's who we naturally are? I think women are naturally, we are nurturing. I think we, you know, naturally, we might just see something around, I know, like, the house or the kids. And we're like, we just naturally, we naturally get to it. I feel like men and women are very different for a reason. But I think we should save that. I think we are naturally very nurturing. Yeah. But we can't give it at the straight away. That's why you have to hold it. That's why I do the 90-day rule. Take this. My 90-day rule, OK. So I only started last year. Let me not try and big myself up, because clearly everything was going awry. And then that's why this had to kick in. So Steve Harvey years ago, he had this thing where he was talking about the 90-day rule. And in the 90-day rule, you're basically getting to know people. And it's kind of, they don't know they're on this 90-day rule. But you are just basically there to look at their character, because I think a lot of the times what we're not looking at is the character of a person. And so you, in the 90 days, you just see how he is, you know, when someone cuts him off when he's driving, you know, how does he handle anger? How does he handle conflict? Sometimes you might be at home eating popcorn, but to him you're busy. And that's why you can't make the day. And you're not playing games. You just want to see if there is, like, respect around your boundaries. Can I ask a question? Yeah, does the 90-day rule, so it obviously involves SCX? No. Oh my god, I'm so childish. So short, it's course. No, there is no set. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it includes keeping that out. But do you also, can you kiss? Because I feel like I naturally do that anyway because I'm a virgin. But. You're a virgin. Yes. Yes. Okay, so the way I like to. No, no, no. No, but it depends how you view it. Yeah. It depends how you view it. Like I've said. But you mean a virgin. You're purely virgin. Not purely. Not me. It depends. Okay, so the way I've been. I described it once before, is if my prunani was a house, people who have come to the front door of the house, people who have cleaned the windows of the house. No one has entered inside the house. No one has entered through the back of the house even. OK. Because that's key. She said, not the bathroom, that's what that means. You are, that's-- yeah, you are. That means with one time I was talking about how the windows got cleaned and someone went, also, you're not a virgin. No, no, it's kind of true to effects, isn't it? You're a virgin. That's why you're talking to the police. I don't know. Is it not? Because someone looked-- I never thought that it was. I thought it was like, if you do stuff around it, can we actually look at it? Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't know. I don't know. That is the-- if the-- if the-- I was about to say, I'm not-- I was about to say, I'm not-- I'm not going to say. The hymen has to be broken. I'm not going to say that. Yeah, that's true. The thing that nothing has been inside me for that to be broken, however, you can break it from doing the splits. I love to jump in. - All right. - All right. - All right. - All right. - You can. - A cart will that's too rigorous? - Yeah. - Yeah. - It can break very easily. - Oh, you break that for majors again. - Yeah. - The way you do it. - I just flailing. - But virginity is a construct, though. - When people are wiping the windows, why aren't you inviting them in for a cup of tea? - Yeah. - Going in. - Why are they coming in? - Because, you know, if someone's wiping the windows, they're not necessarily qualified to come in your office, you know what I mean? Like, you don't know them well enough, or you know is that they wipe those windows very well. - Okay. - Have you never been like, so how, I don't like asking women their age, but assuming that you're maybe. - 21. - 21. - Oh, bitch. (laughing) - Say that. - They love too hard. - Yeah, that was a real tough laugh. But, again, listen, 21. But, did you, was this, like, anything to do with just, like, religious, or is there a point, like, what is. - So, when everyone started losing their virginities, I was about, like, when all my friends were losing their virginities, we were all about, like, 15, 16, 17, maybe if he was really late. And I just saw one of my friends accidentally pregnant. My other friend, she's itchy. My other friend can't get out of bed, 'cause she's crying, 'cause the guys. (laughing) She got the last, yay. - So. - One of my other friends. - She's itchy. (laughing) - One of my other friends can't get out of bed, because the guy I didn't call her, after they did the due, which is so rude. - Everyone's going through it. - Yeah. - And then, everyone was, like, "Tree fire, you're late to the party, you're late to the party, when are you gonna do it?" And I thought, "This don't make no sense." When I want to do it, like, I'm not doing it just to be gang. Like, I'm gonna fall down like you. I'd hold out forever. - Yeah. - And it's. - The person that now comes to do this has to be a friend. - What, I was a. - Okay. - I was a very, very late bloomer, because actually, I didn't believe in sex performance marriage. I personally love to walk a walk of abstaining. So, I totally understand that, and I definitely get that you'd want to do it in the time that you wanted to do it in. And I remember, the girls used to tease me as well, back in the day, but I was still, because I was fully out there, push the buttons, singing all these, like, sexy songs, fully versioned, or as well. So, no, I feel like it's. I feel like, at least if you actually can do it, and if you regret it, it's like the worst thing. - Yeah. - Honestly, have you had. - When you regret stories? - I don't know anyone really. - I wish. - I wish. - That I would have waited. I was like the girl that lost her virginity at 16. Like, false. Like, Jamaican culture, you're just false for no darn reason. You're just false. I wanted to be grown. Like, I thought I was like this sexual being, and whatever. And I'm like, the first time you expect it to be mad romantic, it really was. - I think it's ever romantic. - It was no. - You don't know what you're doing. - Do you turn your head, do you turn your head there? Like, it was like banging teeth. - Yeah, I think it's beautiful. - Kissing, I guess, is each their own. But for me and my personal journey, it's about getting to know someone and just seeing what their character is. And I get to ask questions about, you know, about if they're good with money, if they're bad with all these different things. And it's so funny, because there's not many people who make it to the 90 days. And a lot of us women, or just in general, as we get to know people, we do not give it long enough. And we think we do, but we don't. By the time this thing, like, explodes, they've been around our family. They've been around there, da, da, da. - How family within 90 days? - A lot of people, like, within two months. So I mean, like, okay, find out my story, okay? My story. You know, I was speaking for myself. Embarrassingly, yeah, I was the girl who was like, you know, because I take people at face value, I, I guess, I live my life. So I'm like, I'm quite genuine, like, I wouldn't do that. So of course, I was the green, literally, girl, who was very much like within six weeks, like, super in love. But then I had very long relationships. So seven years here, ten years here. So I've never really dated before. And so I decided, like, last year was going to be the year, that I was going to really get to know the character of the person. And when I tell you, honey, it works. Because you will start seeing things that you normally wouldn't see. And then you're not so emotionally invested. So when it starts going left, you actually feel no way. But that's the thing, I think, is the key with that. It's not being emotionally invested. Because I do feel like as a woman, we get so locked in so early. And then when it goes wrong, we don't like it. And I feel like, sometimes when I look at, for example, how girls do in the US, they just be dating a million guys at once. And I'm not saying being like-- - I'm not supposed to be here. - But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like over there, it's a different culture. - Like, I do it everywhere. Let me tell you. - No, no, no, no. - I'm not saying having sex with loads of guys. I'm just saying like, they are dating all these guys. - Yeah. - You've got a court in review. - I think that's a good thing. - Yeah. - And it's like, you put in all your ex on bars. - You see the 90-day rule. When you're talking about it, it sounds like almost like, how dating is encouraged within like religious communities. Because as a Muslim, if you're something that some people is going to not enjoy this. But if you're getting to know somebody for the purposes of marriage, like within an Islamic setting, you're not doing none of the freaky physical stuff. And all you're doing is real. Okay, so what are you like with the normal people? I'm doing this. There are some people that aren't. I'm allowed to say that because I'm a Muslim. But there are, like, the conversations that you are having is like, right, what's your conflict resolution style? What is your style? Sense of attachment? I feel like we should be having those, like, conversations. Because, you know, otherwise, like, what really is there? Just necking on, like. - Yeah. And right lists as well. - Oh, yeah. - Right lists of, like, what it is that you actually desire and do not stray away from. - Straight away from. - Because I'm not going to lie. I've not written a list, yeah. But I've realised, I've come to realise, I don't, I'm straight. I like men. I think they're so fun on all of that, yeah. I don't think I like them enough to write a list. And I don't think I like them enough. Like, when everyone was doing Sierra's prayer, I thought, that's a bit long. Like, I would rather do a Sierra's prayer for, like, the things that, the other things I want, big, ratty, big thighs. Like, I'll write a list for that. I don't think I will go and pray to God for a man. I feel like you'll be lucky if he catches a heavy. - Yeah, yeah. - I, I've never prayed for a man, particularly. But I do think. - Particularly. - Particularly. - Particularly. - But I do think if you've gotten it right, I think that you're really smart, because you've actually reserved yourself. You've reserved your heart. Clearly, you're not even for your whole. You know what I mean? And I love that about you. - You know what I mean? - Because I think there's a lot of nonsense. But I think, like, for the rest of us who may be, just chose not very good people, didn't consider those things. And I feel like those things, especially if you're, you know, over a certain age, and you are looking to get married, or have children, things like these things are, like, at the top of. - Speaking of which. - There's a statistic that says 50% of women, now, in the age of 30s, are not. haven't had kids yet. That's over 50%, so it's the higher since that statistic. - Do you think that's why they're lit? That's why they're lit. A lot of women are leaving, because there's less attachment now. - I do think so, but I think also there's so many different variables. I feel like a lot of people used to meet at workplace, and that's what's happening, and a lot of the reason why that's actually stopped happening is because of the misogynistic stuff that was happening in workplace is. A lot of women now obviously don't want to get approached in a workplace. - But have you not seen that quote where it's just like, women have started dating men's solely based off their characters, and now everyone's single. - Yeah, 100%. - I don't need your financial security anymore. - Yeah, 100%. - I don't need your vote, right? - It feels free, and I feel like you said this before, maybe in the makeup room or maybe another time, or something similar. Our grandparents literally had to. Our grandmas were not allowed to have bank accounts. They did not have the choice. Our parents, they did have the choice, but they're still coming off the generation that didn't have the choice. I have the choice. I can do whatever I want. What a fun time to be a black woman. - I'm gonna trust. - I have a question. - I'm gonna just do whatever I want. - One of my mum says to me a lot is that she has, well, the people she knows, who now, at their age, are looking back and being like, "I wish I had kids, and I wish I had this, and I wish I did things differently." - Really? - Yes, sometimes I'm too. I mean, when they're in their 60s and 70s and stuff, when you get a lot older, you kind of look back at life and you think. - You can just adopt like 10. - Well, my question is, do you think that a lot of the women who are making these decisions to be like, "No, it's me, it's Kavir," which is obviously a completely valid decision. Do you think they will be that regret as you get older? - I think some people. - Looking back. - I feel like it's 50/50. I think recently, who was speaking about it, I think Mary J. Blige spoke about it recently, where she said it was one of the things that she regretted, not having kids. Yeah, Vivica Fox said something similar as well. So I do think there is that. I technically agree with the idea of, you know, we have a choice, but I do think that sometimes those choices don't allow people to really invest in relationships, I think. Especially, I mean, bringing it to Tara, and you both, you're, like, interested. you've been in a long relationship, you've been a relationship to sit your teams, and you're married, and, you know, I know this. Come on, you've got a strong back, girl. I love that, no, I love that for you, but I feel like tell us a little bit more about how that is from your perspective, like sticking through and like really fighting that. I feel like I was very quiet, and I let everyone speak. You're a priest. I said, let's hear the opinions, because a lot of the times, okay, for example, I was on a panel, okay, and it was to promote my book, and I was being interviewed by somebody, and it was almost like, we hate men, we hate men, men. Well, like what you said, not saying that you hate men, but when it was like, it's based on the characters, and now we don't date them. Not all men are dogs, period. I know many great men, and I think that, I get it. Okay, so the statement that I'm gonna say, some people are gonna disagree with. And you know what, I'm gonna say this, when I first took this job, I was scared of saying certain things, 'cause that's how I don't people come from your internet, but it is what it is, right? Be the first to listen to your favorite shows, like Evil Genius, Good Bad Billionaire, and Your Dead To Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. My man, I remember she was married to my granddad for, 50, seven years. And they only, he died. That's why they're both dead. But that's why that relationship ended. But my man said, the issue with your generation is you're not doing that to fix things. When things are broken, you just discard it. One thing about me and your granddad, if it broke, we fixed it. And I feel like, me and agent have told our stories so many times, but in year four of marriage, I was like, but I don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't want it, I'm done. Oh, I get it now, God, that's why I don't have kids here, because you knew I was going to divorce his ass. Okay, so now I'm unattached. And then my mom was like, all right, you're not even ugly. So you can go find someone else, yeah. That's what my mom has always said to me. So I was like, hold on a second. I actually don't need to stick with this. But thank God for a praying man. This man prayed over our marriage, and we had a success, like a good village of people that was around us. And I'm still in this marriage today. And what would have happened if I had left at the fourth year of a marriage when it got hard? This man is the best man I've ever met. And not even just to gas him up. No, for real, because it's also character building. When you go to the gym, for real, when you go to the gym, and it gets a bit tough, do you bail out and walk out? No, you don't. Like, I want a bomb. Okay, I want to be Big Batty Tara. Okay. I can't stop doing squats because it hurts. Come to your time. And I have to be mindful, because whenever I say this, people are like, "So what? You're saying, oh, I'm just staying in an abusive relationship." No, dummy. Of course not. It's not the same. We have to use sense. No, dummy. You shouldn't stick. No, the person that's in the abusive relationship is a dummy. The person that's asking me to be the same. Okay, no, I'm not saying you should stay. But also, why throw it out? I get it as women. We have standards. I get it. It's a different generation. We aren't staying at home with the kids anymore. We're working. Actually, most women really have better jobs, realistically, we're in those fields now. But why can't you work here? And why can't you fight for something? Tara, you know what? You're a source for them, because I will say, a lot of women will have the shock of their life when they do if they want to get married. And you're going to see, you've got to work at it. You've got what it is. You can't just, I said this to you. You can't just walk away. And that whole, I understand that, yes, we should 100% have our opinions and our feelings and you should have your boundaries. But the actual hard work that you're saying goes into stuff, like me and Tommy and my husband, we go through that. And it's, you can't just walk away. Even though sometimes I wanted to storm out like I'm in a music video. I'd just say with the rain. I'm going to show you to that. Get out of all that. Yeah, I can. So it's like, you have to learn to work at stuff sometimes. Can I say something that's real gang? This is real hurts, yeah. A lot of the times why people suffer in marriage is because your partner's holding a mirror to yourself. So you're seeing your own character. And you're with someone that's challenging your character. And I'll say, I can't say that for everyone. Let me rain that back for myself. I found it hard because this man is holding a mirror to me. And I'm holding a mirror to him. So if we want to get deep, let's get deep. At the end of the day, is it you don't like that version of yourself. So now you're tapping out because you want to find another version of yourself. But you're fighting for a good man. And you're fighting for a good man and a good marriage. And like what you said before, if you go to the gym and you're doing squats, can you just leave? Because it gets hard. But if you go to the gym and you get a PT, and they're like, OK, to get a fat bum, you need to chew this chewing gum. OK, this isn't working. This is stupid. I need to go. You're actually just taking my 60 pound an hour to talk to chewing gum. That's why I'm saying that these conversations have to be, as much as like, I'm not going to lie. We're all funny on this panel. Yeah, I love it. I love it. But this is what you also have to have sensible conversations. Because no one's saying, stay with a man that is bad for you. No one's saying, stay with a man that makes you say, when he says, jump, you're like, how high? No one's saying that. No, of course. Because some women don't think they're in a silly relationship. I'm not saying it in a silly way. Like, if you're in abusive relationships, some people think that, you know, work hard, pray for it. Like, I know that. Sometimes you just have to be like, I'm praying for it. And it's like, put the guy here. That's why I was saying it more about this. Because part of the list isn't necessarily, I want this and I want this and give me this. It's not this pleading list. It's actually a list of your non-negotiables. Yeah. And it's about, actually, this is what I will tolerate. This is what I will not tolerate. So, the hypothetically speaking, let's just say I was thinking someone I, let's just say, okay. And the conversation. Let's just say, okay. Let's just say, imagine that. And the conversation was around boundaries and what, you know, if it was going to go into marriage, like, what are the things that we would say for what we wouldn't? I think that for me personally, you would be really surprised, but I'm very conflict-resolute. And I cannot be, I can't survive in an environment where there cannot be someone who is like calm and collected. Like, I don't want someone who is not able to be able to say I'm sorry. And because I like to say I'm sorry, or just have a clear communication. Yeah, accountability, boom. So, yeah, I feel like all of those things are necessary. And I think that, you know, hopefully people watch this and land. It's good to have standards. Standards are important. I like what we're saying. I think, to like counter what Camille and Tara are saying, like, I totally hear it, you can't leave when things are getting tough. But I don't think that that is necessarily a women-specific issue. And I think that's a human-specific issue, right? Okay. Like, as a general, genderless, like, and sexual orientation aside as a humans, we are just giving up. Our attention spans are short. We have, like, everyone is tizamin and ADHDing up the wazoo. We're in, like, this whole, like, been ripped through woke culture, and then we're ripped through back into, like, the far right, again. So, like, our brains are consistently being shot. So, when we're looking at this thing of, like, the women are leaving too early, it's no, it's because we're at a base level, not operating our way we're accepting and internalising this anymore. But if we're talking about relationships where, like, people are giving up, I would say that's across the board. Like, I think that's an issue for two men in a relationship. I think it's an issue for two women in a relationship. I don't think it's necessary on women. And if we were to look at any of these groups, I think it's on heterosexual women, the least, actually, to look at these things and go, "Oh, I need fixing in a relationship," because that's all we've ever done. I think it's not, I mean. I think what you're saying is true. However, and obviously, I'm not condoning anyone in a marriage, saying in a marriage when it's messed up. But what is sad about this situation is the majority of the regret will inevitably fall on the women. Unfortunately, we're the ones that have biological clots. So, Adrian has always wanted kids. -I wanted kids. -Okay. I got married. After complications of fertility, I was, like, rather than going down this road again, I don't want them. -I just don't want them. -Oh, wow. I'm now 36. And all my nieces and nephews, like my friends' kids, they're on their second to third kids, right? Second, or they've got two or three, at least, right? Not one of them have one, right? I'm now in a situation where I'm, like, damn. I get it, the biological clock. It isn't when you go to 36, it turns into dust. However, there is going to be a moment where it stops. So now, I'm, for myself, I'm, like, do you know what? I want to have a kid, but it scares me. And now, I'm in the place of. I'm actually fearful that if I don't have a child, I'm going to regret this. And I get it. It's not going to dot. I get it. But I want something from myself, my own. Well, as the oldest allegedly on the panel, I. It's all an alleged one. Yes, all legit. I do feel like, like, there is that pressure. I wanted to be a mom at, like, 22 years old. It was like my whole dream, like, being to be a mom. And I love children so much. And then I was put in these situations throughout my life, where I became almost like a second mom to different kids. So there was, at one point in my life, I had a roommate. And when she moved in, I think her son was, like, five and a half months. And she was going through, like, crazy post-natal depression. And just handed me this baby who I basically helped raise quite heavily and she was, like, two years old, and I made the baby food and stuff like that. And I just loved him as if he were my own. But I say all of that to say, like, I had to get to a point where I was, like, if I would love them, but if I don't have them, what type of life do I want to live? [BLANK_AUDIO] sit there and be depressed, because at one point I was like if I cannot have them, this will literally be like the end of everything. And I was like, actually no, because God to give me such a big heart to love so many children. And of course, it isn't, I guess, the same, but I feel like if someone was to have me a newborn baby that was like a couple days, a couple hours old, I feel like that baby would lean on me, it would depend on me, and then I would be a mummy. So I feel like I'm definitely going to be a mummy if I want to be one, but it just may not be in a way that, you know, and I have to be okay with it either way. I just feel like what you're saying is so important. I don't think that we should base our decisions on the fact that, okay, we're running out of time. That's not what I'm saying. I think what I'm saying is we can't live our life aloof for the fact that there are things that are reality in our lives. That's all I'm saying. And I feel like if you're living in your world where you're trying to do your career and trying to, like, be man-free and be an independent body, please do that and do that to the top of how you can do it, like, have fun with that. But also, if there is that part of you that goes, actually, these are some awesome things I want for myself, then you have to be a bit more open-minded as long as you do that. You do both. I try. I mean, do you remember Beyonce, a heavily pregnant Cardi B? Now, especially if you're in our industry, you can actually do both. I do believe that women are incredible because we can just balance the two. It's hard. It is hard. Yeah. And I definitely feel like you cannot give 100% to every single thing. Definitely not. But the thing is, like, if we're talking about women leaving relationships sooner, like, if we're looking at the reasons why people are leaving relationships, for example, we're talking now about women can have it all. There was, I think it was run in America, but they were basically looking at, like, women, single women versus women that were single parents versus women that were married with no children and versus women that were married with children. Regardless of, like, whether they were a stay-at-home mum or they had a professional career, every single one of them, regardless of the relationship status, by the way, did the same amount of domestic work. So it's like, what is really the payoff now for women? For, like, me, for example, where I have a career, it's incredible. I live alone, like, I have, like, first women in my bloodline to live alone before she gets married and all of this, like, and be self-employed and all of these things. What is it beyond your character? And if it's, like, right, the idea of children is a really nice idea. I'd love to be a mother. I'm not saying that all men are all full and they're crap. No, I think men are great. And I think we should have, we should be in, like, living cohesion society. I'm not going to say, "Oh, all men are trash." Even though I'm not a lot of them, I'll whack up. Yeah. They are. But it's like, it's just the general, like, so where do we go from here? Because it's like, the more we're as young women, we're, like, becoming cognizant of, actually, we don't need to tolerate this. The only thing is just we're having this conversation about our women are leaving. Well, I think the conversation should be on men's podcast where it's like, why do women not want to be with us anymore? Yeah, let them see it out. I agree. I agree. I agree. I just, again, this is a podcast that is going to women and, God, I'm scared to see these comments. But the reality is, I think, even though there's stuff that is, like, what you were saying before about misogyny and things like that, I was the wack one out of me and Adrian. So I have to speak up from my perspective of, I wasn't, Adrian was the one that was fighting. Adrian was the one that wanted this. I was like, "Bunny." Like, I was moving, like, if you say, "Oh, waste, man." I was like, "Bunny." So I have to speak from the other side of the other women, the other women's that want to leave, because I did want to leave. And I was like, "I'm done, but I stayed." And I'm grateful that I stayed, because I wouldn't have got to this side. You know, I don't know if you guys have seen the meme, where it's like a little cartoon illustration of this guy digging, and he's digging, and he's digging. And justice is about to go the diamonds are just there. I was literally just here and I was ready to walk away. But again, I do think that we are in a space where we can be like, actually, I'm not tolerating this anymore. Again, very different. Me and my nan are very different. My nan came from Jamaica, got a plane to London, needed to get to Huddersfield where my grandad was. There were no phones. You couldn't speak. It was like this most romantic Romeo and Juliet. He left a note in bread to give to her. So she could run away and paid for her ticket. But this is very different. My nan couldn't read or write when she came here. She came here in Huddersfield. That's industry. You're working in factories. You're working with your hands. So if my, let's just say my nan wanted to leave, she probably wouldn't have, because that she had to stay with my grandad. There's no other ways out. But also her staying taught her stuff but also taught me stuff that you don't leave. But again, if he's a waste of my leave, if she's a waste of your leave. So you've spoken in terms of like the smaller percentage of women that actually go, do you know what? I don't want this. And it was on you. What tangibly changed for you then? Do you think before and after that major go, do you know what? I'm going to stick this out. Can I be honest? And most people don't understand it. God, period. This man would pray over me every single morning, every single morning, knowing that I despised him. I hated him. This man would come in the room and pray over me and I'd hear him. You know, like, I don't know if you've seen those. I hate him. But do you know why he didn't? Do you know why he did it? And people might see that as an irritant and it wasn't irritant to me. But for me, now looking back, I'm like, right, regardless of what you thought my response was going to be, you as I'm still going to fight for this marriage. And literally, it was the Holy Spirit as to why me and this man is still married because it was almost like he had been doing this for weeks. And I was nasty. I was like, big man, take your hands off me. Don't pray over me. Move from me. I don't want you nowhere around me. I was like, you're a disgusting human being. You fake Christian. That's what I was doing. But I remember sitting on the sofa and it was almost like day and night. And I looked at him and we laughed about something and I looked at him and I said, something switch. Something switch. And that is the power of God and the Holy Spirit. So there can't be something that's tangible. It's not something that I can grab and say, but that's what made me say. Would you argue that maybe it was him having that commitment, that continuous resilience that for you, like, was through God? No, no, it's like to continuously pray and have that, you know, that desire and wants to consistently day and day out through God. Was it the thing that you're like, okay, because God's working through you and making you stick this out? No, no, no. I'm a stubborn, it's a nox. Right. I had made my decision. Right. The only reason why I didn't do something like transcendi and that you can't describe it. I'm going to be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only reason why I didn't get a divorce is because I didn't have the £550. Okay. That's how much it was at the time. £550. £550 to file your papers. I didn't have the £550. I don't love it. No, no, you can laugh. It's a real. I didn't have the money. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't, there was nothing in me that saw him. That was that I'm going to stay because he's fighting for this. I was done. Right. I was done. I was done. If you want to be a career baddie, do you? Do you? Do you want to be a married baddie? Do you? Guess what? If you want to do both, do you? Do you? So this has been a full chat, girls. I've gotten to know each of you a little bit more. What have you taken away from our conversation today? I feel like I've taken away from this. How proud I am of like all the women out there. Because one thing I'm seeing from the statistics shifting is the fact that we are now just doing whatever the heck we want. And I love that. So yeah, let's continue with that. I love that and it's just that. Cheers. Cheers to that. I just love the fact that like there's two different perspectives. A few different perspectives over here. And I love that we're coming from different places. I love hearing about just from the female's perspective. Because Tara, I'm not going to lie. I thought you was just this innocent bunny. No, it was really cool. You're the baby to me behind the scenes. And I'm like, no, you were being. I was the villain. You were the villain. I was the villain. 100%. You definitely were. But I love that. You know, it's from your perspective. I love that, though, that we could see it from a female's perspective. The shower agent. Let's not come right here. Adrian, you've got a strong back. A large, up to self-pigman. He'd stay with me forever and ever. I'm not going to be a problem. I took that it might not be a terrible thing to write a list for a man. Just in case. It's not for him. It's not for him. It's for you. Yeah. That's true. It's for you. I mean, I have a big change for you, because last time I spoke to you about this, you were like at period and I looked at it. Yeah, it feels like a waste of ink. But like, I guess if it's for me, then just in case he comes around, I could be like, okay, you take these things. I think I've taken that. If anyone messes with Sharifah, now you have to deal with me. Because I will write out, because that's really little scissor at this point. Yeah, thank you for real. No, don't cry. All right, no, gag. What did we talk about this Sharifah? Gag. Gag. Gag in the crane. Gag. That was so sweet. She just said she wanted to be your friend and your plop. And no, right there. We'll see. Okay. We're tied into this contractually. I'm not going to do anything. Thanks guys for watching. We've had the best chat today. Make sure you guys follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Girls are talking official and subscribe to our YouTube channel. 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