100% Hello gang. We are back the summer bears are back. Stavros. How's Chris the Stefano filling in for our pals Tom and Bert? How are we doing, Chrissy dude? It's a bear summer the bears come out of hibernation and the bears are on the run It is bear week in Provincetown as we speak 100% it is. That's why I have a show there Go to Christy check out my site, but dude it just feels good to be a bear in the summer You don't want to be doing this in the winter. No, that's hibernation dude. We're by the river. We didn't say I was doing That's where we're doing we're bears we're eating salmon and we threw in a couple of croissants because we're different kinds of bears You you are sabotaging us here, right? Yes, you shout out the bench spoon Josh in the in the booth Yeah, you you you did a classic fact. I move even though you're not we've talked about it You're wearing your true classic t-shirt that hides your tits and rings it in your belly. Yeah, but you're not You're not you are you still have a heart of fat man So when we as we cover the fat man's cholesterol 100% you order egg whites with spinach on whole wheat toast Yes, and then you say and hey Josh give us a couple surprises For the classic fact I move that's basically like Order me sausage order me a dessert. Yeah, get me a chocolate milk You're basically like I can't I don't want to take responsibility for this. I'm laundering right. I want to treat I'm a little slut right, but I'm laundering the response. I'm passing the moral responsibility on to you You basically it was you did a tariff on Josh. Yes, when the costs are coming on him right you get the money But he has to pay the call yeah Well, I just want to give a quick shout out where this is we're you know like I literally I said to Josh give me surprise surprise You know I'm a little surprise boy. Yeah, that's what I said because last time we came and did the show Josh had surprises with Artisanal beautiful doughnuts. There were some of the creamiest best doughnuts that I've ever had in my life And now today's surprise surprise were two half-e and croissants and no straw for ice coffee Wow, you know what the hell we're drinking ice coffee We have started my teeth now because Josh didn't get straws and he got me shitty croissants from a deli that somebody was doing fentanyl Outside of what the hell happened lastly, why do you say yeah, give me a fucking doughnut. Yeah because I'm a little surprise boy And I just I didn't want to come out and say it because I'm trying to tell my family that I'm in shape Oh, so you want to come home be like look I ordered spit you wanted to show you're gonna do it. Hey look You're gonna delete the surprise boy. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're gonna be like Jasmine look I I asked for spinach here because jazz every cuz you know ever since you know I said my cholesterol was 300 Which by the way, this is a 300 two bears episode So I feel like I got my cholesterol to this level But she always is on me now right like hey, what are you eating like when I was just on the road? She's like show me like it used to be sent me a picture of your empty room So I know no bitches are in there now. It's show me a picture of what you're eating So I know you're not gonna drop dead when we're just moving into this new house They were never really gonna sell next year. Yes. Yes. Show me the trash can in your Hilton Garden Yeah, I don't want to see combos in there. I don't want to talk a cover. I don't want to see KFC. Yeah snackers. Right Yeah, by the way, not hilton. I'm Mary up on board. It's members. I'm Mary up. So you can so you can put that out Okay. Yeah. Oh, there. Oh, yeah I hope you do want your backflips off stage and break your neck This beautiful Stroges for Chris Oh Bring me some donuts. Oh god On your roller blades Man, I look at stavis that that's a big boy shirt if you can't see this is off camera But stavis drawing the shirt that he was wearing on the radiator. I did. It is something again as as a summer of a bear You know you have to have a travel shirt everywhere. You go. Yeah, that was that when I moved in New York And it was like summer and I'm walking everywhere. It's like you come with a shirt Right, you go to the bath you soak it on the subway right and then you change into your you know my professional attire Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, look she's a hot. Hey, she's pretty awesome. I mean whatever you might have a cock It's a woman. Yeah, woman can have all types of but they can be jacked with huge tits too Chris Yeah, okay, you know look at Bert and that's awesome No, we've covered this. Yeah, Bert is not a hot woman. Oh, yeah, but yes, I would love a jacked You know this an anime girl with huge tits. It's jacked, but it looks good. You got a good t-shirt No, what are you a two XL? Thank you for saying that I am a three XL. You're three XL I'm a three, but we're re we're I'm on the cusp of two. I'm on the cusp of two when's the last time in your life? You were an XL. I can tell you literally I know exactly when it was I was in it was 2001 11 I'm sorry 2021 I was in sixth grade watching the towers fall And in that moment I was I was stress eating knowing we would be plunged into a state of endless war You were sick and see that I could read the tea leaves. They were gonna use the terrorists as an excuse to have a State the spy state that we would lose all our civil liberties because we're scared of you know They were sitting there eating spanner cope and out of a lunchbox thinking could Baltimore be nice? It's will hum and not talking to blow him than yours. We have a world trade set. We have a shitty little world trade Yeah, I do. Yeah, I hope they don't destroy the legal see food in the inner harbor the inner harbor voters is it safe? 2021 I was coming but I I During the pandemic I gained 40 pounds and then I lost 60 pounds. Whoa, and so I Was and then I got in I was like maybe two to 50 to 60 which for me is it's good It's felt exactly right. I'm I feel good where I'm a Ryan Reynolds at that way and I was at an excel and I had a very specific. I had this cool heat might be my favorite Well true romance is my favorite move all time But I love that everyone just thought you you were losing weight everyone else just thought you had long COVID It was before we knew about that liberal hoax, right does seem like people have been there does it I was definitely guys like that shit's fake and I've met like 10 people who are like my life is ruined They all the exact same symptoms. They're like my brain just doesn't work and I'm like, I don't know I know my brain fog. I like I swear I still haven't I my taste is still not the same. Really? I'm sorry. I just ate seven croissants on my power through. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a great imagination again That's another fat tip of the cap as a fat man to be do it to power through no taste buds. Yeah, and be like Oh, it's fine. Just so good dude. Do you know many times in my life? I've gotten swollen taste buds on my tongue just from the amount of sugar I've eaten in one sitting just like Because the wild because you're saying you know you you XL 2001 this is 2021. I'm sorry. I'm an XL now right and so I'm an XL now I was a two X but now I've got myself into an XL But what happens is mentally like I've lost some weight I I try to work out every day and exercise but mentally. I'm still like you're disgusting like your cholesterol's awful You're gonna eat that croissant you surprise boy. You're gonna pass over grocery and then the croissants Yeah, you know what happens? Here's the difference of two is like at least with you and we may have spoken about this before But at least with you when somebody you were saying before like oh somebody says like you're overweight at least like you Wear it you are who you are. You're like this is who I am. No denying and I'm a two X. You know what you're getting Three X with me or three X. Yeah, I'm trying to be positive We're getting there to us. We're trending in the right direction. Thank you. Thank you So with me, it's like oh wow, you're jacked and then I'll be like then I'll take my shirt off and people I'll see people look at me Like I wasn't expecting that disgusting. Yeah, like what is that were you a fat child? No? No, I got into the punch begin so I got fat I got fat when I I my freshman year of college I was playing ball on the basketball team Like I was the only freshman that was a starter. I was playing I could like two-hand dunk like I was like Clay I just shaved head it look. It was like your skin head. Yeah, yeah If you google christis stuff for no basketball pictures pop up for me I literally look like I'm playing for the area nation And so and so but I got a girlfriend like my first serious girlfriend that just she was older She was like 23 and I was 18 nice, and she just worked me in a way that I can't like explain like she was yeah If you look at you and Bill Marley were talking about it. Yeah, but there's one no look go over one more to the right That one that's this is the skin head one. Well, I'm just an absolute just Ed Norton You're on his basketball team in American history, yeah, so what happened though is was like we just start like she introduced me to like Sex and like eating my ass and all that and I get your ass. Yes, 18. Yes, and I got which is now just a felony federal crime But but she but I got so not fat, but for the first time ever because I would literally I was like always thin You know metabolism is good. I was in shape again. I told you I could dunk I was athletic and then when I got fat It was like a wake-up call was like oh because my dad was pretty fat My mom would struggle with her weight. I'm like oh, I I can be fat and then from that point on from when I'm 18 I've yo-yoed for 22 years I went from like in comedy. I've gotten myself up to 260. I was 260 my goal wake And now I'm like 220 wow, but it's weird. It's like I really
And for my height, I should be like, if BMI, you should be like 190. And I'm like, I don't know if I could get that. - No, whatever. I mean, you should just get worried about your cholesterol. You're fine. - Yeah, I'm gonna go get it tested in two weeks. - Oh, let's find out. I can't wait. - Yeah, I'm a live streamer. - I can't wait, I can't wait. I wouldn't put it past you. Now, what was that for, the moment the tongue hit your whole, what was that sensation like? - I'll never forget, dude, we were in her house in Ozone Park, in Hartmont, in Ozone Park, Queens. - Well, I don't cross people apart. - The part of Queens where it's like, they wouldn't even dream to have a subway. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, no, this is a shitty long island, this far as we're concerned. - As I was getting my ass, you know, I was listening to the sirens and the, you know, John Gotti disciples running black people out of their neighborhood with baseball bats. - You weren't sure why you were coming. The ass licking or the racism. - Yeah, I don't know what you're doing. - You're doing it more for me. - You're not just good at the end words? (laughing) And so I remember like, you know, she was down there, whatever, and then she just started going down towards the balls, which I had experienced before. - I was just 18, I, you know, I was Catholic. - Of course, of course. - I've had a priest. - Yeah. - So I was an altar boy. So I, and then she just slips it into the butt, and I don't, I think it was like almost accidental, even on her point, but then the way that I, you know, like, slacks up, and she had a lot of sexual intelligence. - Yes. - She called the audible. She's like, oh, my tongue slipped, but he, he clearly loves it. - Well, she was a grown woman. - Yeah, yeah. - That's the thing, I was a child still. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Did you feel taken advantage of? - Yeah. - No, I loved it. - I remember she just started going down in my ass, and I was like, oh, my God. And it was, I came so quick that it was in. (laughing) - You fucked it fast. - You're getting it, I see. - Yeah. (laughing) - See, here's the thing about Burton Tom. Is as wildly successful as they are. Financially, they don't know what they're doing. The amount of money they paid us to co-host this show, when it is clear as day from the views it's a sinking ship. - And listen, even if it's successful, we're not trying. - So even if it happens, it's an accident, it's a mistake. They should have been better at tracking their money, and let's not even get into, I've seen just the uncrustables budget on Burst Torbus. - Dude. - It is. - The watches, the cars. - It's insane. - The houses for podcasts, it's ridiculous. - Yeah, when the revolution comes, unless they have somebody that helps them track their money, they might be killed in the streets. - Yes, I mean, look, and that's why we said to them, me and Stabby have to get on a FaceTime call with Burnt Tom, it's a guys, you need Monarch money. - You need Monarch. - You can't, why did you pay two guys who look like different versions of Lesbians to come in here and try to save your summer show? Don't just manage your money. We said, Tom and Burnt start building your wealth. - Right. - With 50% off your first year for the listeners, it's more than your average budgeting app. Monarch money is a complete financial command center for your accounts, investments, and goals. - That's beautiful. - Okay, dude, maybe you would have learned, maybe Burnt would have been smarter if you had Monarch money and not spent the whole payload on Hitler's teacup. (laughing) - That is beautiful. And you could all listen. Not everybody has accidentally gotten more famous than they deserve. - Sure. - And have way more money than God so they can spend it stupidly, right? - Right. - For our listeners, Monarch can make a real difference. To you, okay? We want you to sign up right now. Like Chrissy said, you could build 50% off starting out here with Monarch. - Yes. - Maybe we can scroll down a little bit. - There we go. - Yeah, thanks, Benson Boone. Stop working on your next album and scroll. (laughing) - And I know, Chris is a family man, a man who buys a new house every six months. - Yes. - Get by your hair gel budget. - Yes. - You know what I mean? - How is Monarch helping you? - There's a lot of things, dude. I got a lot of members. Your female members and my family won breast enhancement surgeries. I got a pay for all that. And so, I used Monarch money because for, you know, I didn't realize like 401(k)s are like, you know, we don't have a 401(k)s case. - I still do not have one. - Get Monarch money, dude. - I need to. - They taught me how to like, what to do, like, what different types of tools you could do. - So Monarch money. - So they're saving the money that when now you're married, your wife wills take from you in seven years. - Yes. - So Monarch is doing is making sure that you're not overspending on food delivery, on your hair gel or whatever. This is something jazz will get in seven years time when she finally does. - Monarch money took a look at my life and they actually contacted me. They said, "We know you're gonna get divorced. Let us help you." (laughing) So we want you to get control of your overall finances with Monarch money. Use code
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I hit, it was one of those were like, you hit yourself with the knifles, you know? - Of course. - Yeah, the first time a girl jacked me up and hit me in my eye. - Yeah. - So I know about it. - You can't imagine. And so I remember coming so quick and then she playfully, 'cause I don't think she believed it, but to me a young 18 year old, she was like, oh my god, you love ass play, maybe you're gay. And then we're like, oh is this the, is this patient zero? - Yes. - This joke that you've done for 50 years at this point. - Yes, this woman started it all. - Yes, she literally put me on a path. She, if that girl doesn't eat your ass, you're probably just a regular homophob. 100%, but she put me on a path to tell these jokes at the Creek and the Cave in 2010 and continue to do it. And so, and so she, she literally, - Dude, the no contact bust from getting your ass eaten. - Is literally awakening, primal, homophobic, bullying in me, keeping it at bay. But that is what you think when you hear that. Dude, I've had, and then it also discovered, it also put me on a path for my love of history 'cause I would search initially. - You became a big Greek philosophy. - That and after that, I'm awarely. And that's why I think I, I've gravitated to court Greek cause, like you and you honest, because you're the guys that tell me, hey, Greek guys, Greek warriors are gay. - Of course. - They used to have said, it's not gay, it's just a label now, you're just being a human. - Yeah, and that's what it makes me feel good. - I think we, yeah, we talked about it. Achilles was gay, you know? - Sure. - His whole, his boy, him and his boy, we're having, we're doing gay shit though. The reason they got him back in the war was because, they killed, you know, the Trojans killed his, his, there's still some historical debate about whether Achilles was the top or if he was the bottom. We'll never know. - What's the gay, the top be gay or the bottom? - The bottom's gay. - The bottom's the gay and his ass fucked, yeah. - Right, because, because, here's the way, sorry to cut you off. The Turkish military, literally, they have a rule that if you're a top, so they have, if you're gay, you can be the Turkish military. If you fuck guys, if you get your ass fucked, they will let you in the Turkish military. They have, like, they do like research, and they're like, prove you get your ass, 'cause people lie about getting there. Like, I don't know if my friend, I don't know if he's true or not, said that you have to send like a video of you getting fucked. - Yeah, I feel like they don't throw me. - I don't know, my fucking, I think. - Could you imagine me, like, I'm this close to getting in the Turkish military, and then I, they asked me some history questions, and they're like, wait, you can't know contact with Dick and Bal's tongue in the ass. - You'd be a, you would be a borderline. - You'd be like, you're out of here. - But it put, because, you know, and by the way, Achilles would be gay. I mean, that's the gayest thing, like, they just dangle him by his little farts. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. - In the Inversticks. Ooh, but I do feel, 'cause, like, you start, as you get older, right, I'm 40 now, you start to think about, like, how did all this happen? How did I wind up getting into this career path? How did I wind up, you know, being against the history? - I thought it was because my mom used to take me on trips to like Boston, we will walk around the freedom trails, so she could go to singles bars. - And like, you know, she would just say, be like, hey, Chris, you stay on that right line. - Chris, you find that out about George Wise, so I'm gonna get some chatter and some dick up here. - Dude, my mom literally would take me, she took me on a single screw to Nova Scotia once, where I just had to sit in a fricking child's play pen, while my mom just cruises around. - I tried to get it fingered by lobster fishermen. - Yeah, I got to listen to my mom hook it up in the end.
the guy from Halifax, well, I'm just sitting there eating shit. - Oh, nice pussy oil you got there. - Yeah, yeah, that's a really nice beaver you got. - Yeah. - So, don't hold, so she, so that, and then the freedom trail was real. She would take me to Boston when we would learn about like Paul reverse house and stuff, and then she would literally go out 'cause she was like a young mom. And she'd like, I'll come find you on the freedom trail in a couple of hours, and I have to stay on this red line. So I would just walk through Boston on the freedom trail, go on all the different sites, and that started my, my love of history. - Yeah. - It was like a very specifically colonial American history. - When you have to just like read a book intensely, not to think about your mom getting rails. - Yeah, yeah. - You're like George W. I said, who's the crust of the world? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's just like, I'm reading thoughts of like your mom's like becoming, you're like, a polar bear. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm just, the British are coming by Rick Atkinson. - Just so to not think about my mom. - Yeah, maybe a butt. - No, that's it. I mean, I think about that all the time, there's so much shit that we, that is just not in our control at all. - Right. Like the, like, you know, the things you use in escape as a little kid really become your thing forever. - Dude, even comedy, comedy was for real. Like I would watch old SNLs. I would watch like, you know, comedy set. Like when we first got that shit, you know, there's like arguments at your parents are fucking fighting. I'm just like, putting up fucking Billy Madison. I'm like, oh yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, the penguins hilarious. I don't have to think about how my parents should probably be divorced, but they won't, because of Greek stereotypes. - Yeah, yeah. - Because of being trapped. - Instead, I'll find my dad dead on the bathroom floor from his heart attack, because he just won't leave my mom and go be happy. (laughing) - But see, for me. - Shout out to my dad, beat another heart attack. - There you go. - Yeah, he's Christian. - Yeah, he had surgery, he's doing well. - Solitude you. - Thomas, he, um, middle, not Greek. That's a big problem. - No, but he's in Greek. - It's not. - What is it called? - Zaziki. - We don't have one. - Zaziki. - No, but when I go to Greek restaurants, they always give you three dip, Thomas, Zaziki. - No, you're going to a Mediterranean place. - You're going to a, catch all Mediterranean place, which is like going to a catch all pan-Asian place. - Got it. - And those places, those places don't do any of the cuisine well. - Got it. - Like when you go to a place that does Thai, sushi, and fucking Chinese food, it's bad. When you go to a place that's like, we have falafel, you know, whatever good Greek restaurant. - It's not a good Greek restaurant. I mean, look, now they've bent to the knee. They've, you know, they, the way the market is going, people, you know, dumb asses like you, expect Thomas at a Greek restaurant. So you can find it, but it's not good. You want it at an expressly Middle Eastern place. Some place it's like a Turkish cafe would be good. - A Turkish, exactly. - I'm just going for a cholesterol-friendly option. - Sure, sure, sure. - Zaziki's cholesterol-friendly. - That's just cute, cumbersome, yogurt. - Yeah, right. - So, anyway, so-- - So, this was-- - And the other thing that I was, my escapes were clearly dumb comedy and making myself meals. Like, while my parents were arguing, I was just be, I was like a fat little boy, melting butter and like dipping each side of bread and making like triple-decker grilled cheeses with ham in the middle. For real, I'm not even kidding. I was like, as soon as they let me supervise, I would play, I would listen to Adam Sandler's CDs and the parody songs. I would play Nintendo, and I would make myself little fucking little triple-decker sand, which is-- - It was the, and those, the happiest moments of my life. - I believe it. - I'll never feel that elation as being a fat, like, 10-year-old, being like, I'm a grown-up. I'm allowed in the open flame. And I'm allowed to play the Power Rangers Nintendo game. You know, I love like every time you're hungry, you would just like walk up to your mom and down, and be like, "Mom, you think that's cheating, aren't you?" (laughing) - You know, in the kitchen. - And you love the jack from Costco, what's that about? - Yeah. - See, I'm fully-- It's wild, too, 'cause I'm fully opposite. I never watched the history of comedy. I would watch Jay Leno with my mom, 'cause I slept in the same bed as my mom, 'cause I was like, "I saw more in high school." - That's incredible. - Just like, scared of the dark. Like, she literally had to tell me, she literally, I'll never forget. We still watch Jay Leno. - So, everyone who's making fun of Chris for continuously talking about how he's secretly gay, the guy's got some bulletproof points here. - Again, coming, no contact. Sleeping in bed with his mother. - Oh, he's like in 15. - He had pubes sleeping in bed with his mother. - Well, that's what my mom, that's what my mom literally had to tell me. - That was the cutoff. - Well, no, she said to me, she was like, Chris, like, your bedroom, first of all, she was like, "We live in a very small apartment in Queens." So, your bedroom wall shares a bedroom wall of mine. She goes, "So, I have a serious boyfriend at the time." She was like, "So, I have a serious boyfriend now." She was like, "And you are literally getting in the way of our relationship because he wants to come sleep over and try to be a family here, and you're in the bed with me." So, she said, "So literally, she let me transition out." I swear to God, and this is the one time she let me do this, and I think it was smart by her, 'cause I was like, "Oh, this is uncomfortable." - Let's go to my room. - 15 years old. - Oh my God. - Dude, 15. - You don't want to beat off in your own bed? - Dude, I would just do it when she went to work. - Sure. - I would just do it, like, in the chat, yeah, dude. You find ways when you look off in a small apartment, there's fine ways, taking shit. Like, you just have to figure out-- - I just mean the bedroom is a 15-year-old, your own room. That's when you jack off. - So, he slept over one day. - He slept over one night, and she let me transition out and sleep on the floor in her bedroom. And-- - While he's in there? - Yes. - Like, a fucking dog. - Yeah. - You're at the foot of your mom, and you're, you would be stepped there, it's like, I'm like, "You go?" - Yeah. (laughing) - Fucking crazy dude. (laughing) - This is incredible. - So, she let me, so, but even I woke up, I remember it, like, four o'clock in the morning, and I was like, this is weird. - You're like, what am I doing? - Yeah, what am I doing? - She sort of, to bring a dog analogy, she sort of rubbed your nose and the piss of sleeping in her room. - That's why I said she's like a great mom and thought forward, 'cause she was like, "Oh, if he's not going to want to be around this, and she was right, and it was even my dad, 'cause my dad obviously didn't like any of my mom's boyfriends, so my dad was kind of like, liked it. He was like, "Yeah, keep sleeping, but." - He was like, "You're just gonna say, there's some clear psychological, you're, I think you were pretending to be scared on some level to cock block your mother." - Hundred percent. - 'Cause you didn't, you did want to sabotage your relationships. - Yeah, like, one of her, one of her boyfriends was like, this jack dude, that was like amazing at tennis, and I remember like, my dad just being like, "Your mother's into guys who play tennis now." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, what a, and I was like, - Which is hilarious, 'cause your dad cheated on her and left, right? - No, you didn't cheat on her, but they did. - No, he actually never cheated on her. - Oh wow. - They just, a talent, just assumed. - No, sorry. - No, I see your dad. - No. - I would have guessed. - He looks like a guy who likes pussy. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - He looks like, he likes lasagna and pussy. If I could look at your dad, that's when we said it, an ex-game together, I was like, this guy rules. - He rules. - No, he, they divorced because my dad gambled, they had saved $9,000, like, you know, like their life, whatever, and my dad gambled it all on a game between the New York men's and Matt's and Montreal expos, and he lost it all, and he tried to, like, double or nothing, get it back, and then he didn't pay the money back, and he had to get from my grandfather on my mom's side. He had to get money loaned from him to pay these guys back, and then one day somebody called my mother's house, that I was a medicine call. - Yeah, when I was baby, and they were like, we're gonna break, you know, we'll hurt, you'll will hurt your son, Christopher, and my mom's immediate thought was, let me get on an Amtrak train and take us to the Amish country. - That's right, that's right. - And I wound up for two months in Lancaster, Pennsylvania being fed shoe fly pie by some Amish wet nurse. - That's where the kids come from. - Yeah. - That's where the, we have to frame out with your true class with his Amish pie tips, and so. - Okay, well either way, fully his fault. - 100%. - So it's just funny to be like, I fucked this relationship up and put my family and jeopardy, and now she wants to get, she wants to move on with her life, fucking bitch. - Yeah. - Sleep in the bed, Chrissy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was even, I remember that night, was like a transition night, like I had to sleep in my bed, and I was like terrified, even though the room was right there, 'cause you know, whenever, just have this anxiety issues, and then I told my dad the next morning, 'cause I had a cell phone at that time, and I re-thought he was gonna, like he was always on my side, like you're right, whatever, but he was like, you know, you shouldn't be sleeping in the bed anymore, he goes, it's actually kind of weird. - Even your dad. - So once my dad turned on me, I was like, oh okay, so my dad was like, you should sleep, you're like your 15, you know, 15 is a little tough, dude. - Folks, it's summertime, it's hot, your balls are hanging low, they're soft. - Yes. - Yes. - You don't want the other part of your cock and balls combo being soft and droopy. - Dude, what I wanna see, and you guys out there, is your rock hard penises on level 10. - Dude, I'm sick and tired, I wanna chip a tooth on your cock. - Dude, I was in the pool last week, and I see this guy getting out of the pool, and I'm like, look at his flimsy, little uncircumcised penis. - Well, that's not getting crazy. - I wanted to-- - That's the way God made us. - That's true, but if he was hard in uncircumcised, it's a different one. - He would roll back. - Dude, I wanted to literally slip a blue chew pill that I had in my pocket. - Well, Chris, they're chewable tablets, please. - Right, but up there, their tablet, oh yeah, right. I wanted to slip the blue chew tablet I had in my pocket. I wanted to slip or through the slit of his dick, like it's a coin machine that like I was getting a gum ball. - Well, I'm in a work like that. - Yeah, well, you can chew it with your dick. - No, they're still working on that technology right now. They're chewable, put them in your mouth, your dick will get harder than sin. That's where it's all for you. I'm not even front, guys. One of us on this podcast has the product in their bloodstream right now. (laughing) And couldn't be me, I have come all over my pants. So what we need you to do, folks, is we have a very special deal for you. - Yes.
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Nothing to interrogate about that. Is that why I was in child psychologist or yeah. And now now the other way you can come as if your wife is in bed with another man and you're sleeping on the floor jacking off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some jacks, some guys got to have a tennis racket in the bed. Yeah. While you hear them fucking jacking. At the foot of the bed. You're not done in your piece telling me I'm weird. And I have to have Jasmine in an old lady cologne from the QVC. Oh, it's weird, right? Yeah, man. That's weird. Yeah. So that's why I became a comedian. Not because I watched late night his comedy central premium blend. Holy fuck. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome path, right? We do, man. Yeah. That's a very insane path. I'll never forget one of my aunts. You know, who loves me very much, but I'll never forget the word she you should describe me once and I overheard it. I was maybe 19 years old. Yeah. And she was like, yeah. And you know, my nephew, one of my nephews, she's like, you know, he's very funny. She's like, but he is disturbed. Disturbed? He was like, and I remember literally eating like a mozzarella stick that my mom and microwave being like, oh, that hurts. Disturbed. Disturbed. Disturbed. You don't want to be described as disturbed. That's tough. Yeah. What were you doing? Anything else? Like she didn't see you sleeping in the bed. No, no, but I'm sure I mean, I'm like, they're sister. So I'm sure my mom would be. I can't keep Christopher as like, I have a, like she probably asked because I have a cousin the same age. She must have been like, hey, does your daughter want to sleep in the bed with you? They're seniors in high school. Is that an issue? That's a cheat. But so, so yeah, so I just, when I think back sometimes, because now that I have kids, I'm like, oh, I hope my kids don't have like the peculiarities that I have to show in anything. No, nothing. My stepson is just like a normal, you know, like at 15, 15 year olds these days are like, they play video games all day and they're not, like, social as like we were, but they're not like going out in the, it's just the way the kids are. So is there just in a different way? In a different way. Yeah, he talks to his friends online. You know, like, yeah, this kid's weird. He doesn't even ask to sleep in the bed with us. Yeah, it's weird. A lot of times I'll be like, in bed with jazz. I'm like, come on. We got, that's why we got to California King, dude. Get in the foot. Yeah, get in the foot like a good 15. Come on, dude. I used to have to sleep in the bed with my mom in a queen. Yeah. These kids these days. I'm totally ungrateful. Yeah. They don't get, they, we had to sleep in a twin with our moms in the back. These kids get a key. You're like, Chris, didn't you grow up in a three batch of apartment? I'm like, that's not the point. Just two empty bedrooms. Yeah. You're in a sleeping, you're like, mom, can we actually get my sleeping bag? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's crazy too. It's like my room, when my family, when my, you know, my family now comes back, my mother, so lives in the same apartment. And my room is like untouched. Like you would think that like she had a, like a son dot. Yeah. She like has not, and I want some kid got like, some kid got like, you know, abducted with the day the challenger exploded. Right. And she's left the room. She's left the room. She's like, he'll be back. We're still just looking for him. Yeah. The police. God bless our boys and blue. They're, they're falling in relief. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're family members. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's like, I still have like my sheets. Like I'll take a picture of it, man. Josh, if I, if I can't, I'll send it like my sheets are still these like, like baseball, like just generic guys with like holding bats. And then my pillowcase is this big mitt. Like a catcher's cute pillowcase. And I have like this nicks poster up from like 1994 when they went to the finals. Like she left it untouched where even my daughter, my older daughter was like, why do your sheets? Like why does she still have kid sheets? Like she thought maybe there was a kid that's still lived in that room. Because she was like, why does Grammy have like little boy sheets in the room? Like we, we, Grammy went through a lot with Daddy. Yeah. And I think I might have psychologically impacted her well being as well. You couldn't, you didn't want to grow up. Now she's like, where's my little boy? Yeah. She's expecting you to come back at any moment. It's also funny. May, you know, I think it's for psychological reasons, but maybe that's why you didn't want to fuck on your little kid sheets. You're like, yeah, maybe it feels weird to get head on an Aladdin bed spray. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's like, I don't want to come on my ultimate warrior doll. Yeah. That's beautiful, man. I mean, yeah, that is fucking hilarious. I, I had no other hang-ups other than being fat. Like I hate all my feelings. I didn't have, I didn't have any weird sex stuff really. Right. Other than not being so, I just have a classic childhood in cell bring, you know, upbringing, where it's like, I would love everything I do is for attention. I think for women, it's like, it's like, you start doing it because like, oh, being funny in class is the only time the hot girls look at me. Right. And then you just kind of chase that. And so it's pretty, it's food in that. And it's like, I realized one point that all my, I am recreating my mom was a waitress. And I would watch SNL Saturday to wait until she came home. And sometimes she came home with tens of left over Kalamari from the Greek restaurant. That's awesome. And it was like, my best nights is a little kid. We're waiting for, I love it. I'm waiting until in it. It was a Kalamari with a little mercury in it. Yeah. I like that. Low grade past rice. Delicious, though. Delicious. So good. Ikado's restaurant made rest in peace. It's no longer in business. I hope it comes back. That was your family's restaurant. No, no, no, fuck. We weren't on work there. She worked there. Yeah, yeah. And my best nights were watching SNL. And this would have been like the Sandler, the end of the Sandler Farley years. I'm a little kid, right? I'm born in '89. Or maybe even like the early Farley years, whatever. Maybe I watched the, the Sandler ones on rerun on Comedy Central. But you know, in that zone, in the mid, mid nine days, legends. And you know, I'm talking four or five years old. And my dad doesn't give a fuck, let me watch whatever. That's when my dad was supervising me so I could watch SNL like five years old, six years old. And my, the best nights of the childhood were a woman I love bringing me fried food and watching comedy with me. And I'm like, I have, I'm chasing that feeling. Right. I do the comedy now. And now I'm, I order the fried food. And then I search my DMs for a woman who, I don't love, but who gets sort of, you know, fulfill a similar, you know, some cycle, the way you wanted to fuck on your mom's bed. I want to like eat fried food after comedy. You know, yeah, you're like, okay, comforting. Can you come over with a pencil in your ear and a notebook? Can you stick around, can you be around a fryer for four hours? Can you just put Kalamari slowly on my cock while I jerk it to Big Daddy? You get some, yeah, do not, if you don't bring the fetus-stained apron, don't even come. And draw the hair on your arms a little. That's what I like. Yeah, it's beautiful though, man, but hey, your fucked up psychology is brought you where you are today.
Yeah, and we, I mean, we haven't even talked about the fact that you literally, you know, you, you, you have started sucking the Illuminati's dick You were you co you guest hosted this is your second guest hosting stint of the summer. Yes, you guest hosted Kimmel, which is correct. I mean a true dude late night show what I like what I'm really that's insane Did any of this come up? You telling celebrities about jacking up, you know, I was saying they were Julie Bowen just being like hey Did you I'd love to have sex with my mother's room? On ABC was my mother You know, it's crazy is I felt so good about that performance and you did great by the way, and I of course I don't want Nobody wants the clips, but you crush it and look I thought you're gonna do good You're great. I think you're hilarious, but you really were a fucking natural of their dude like it was really good I appreciate that and I love that it came all came just in time for late night to be over I then I proved it to the world by the way been over. Yeah, just it's not now officially. Yeah, it was like you guess I was like co-bear's canceled. Yeah, I have a manager my manager James baby Dal Dixon who's who's who's awesome It's the manager of ever Kimmel John Stewart co-bear. Yeah, Bill's it like all the anybody's getting into print media Yeah, like he is he is the guy that makes late night stuff happen and he his his response was Chrissy baby That was awesome. He goes. I wish this was 15 years ago. We'd be able to get your show. Yeah Anything for now is I keep doing that podcast. Yeah, maybe two bears will need two extra episodes Yeah, baby bird Tom will take a little long maple to be reshoots Yeah, and we'll have the fall bears before weeks. Yeah. Yeah, maybe maybe maybe Tom will break his other leg on the set of the movies on And then we can come and you know, but it is it is one of those things where because you know We were talking about this before like podcasting, you know what we you know We come on here, you know We have some things we want to talk about most of these you and I is just freelance and we're just freelancing Go with the flow with late night TV first of all I really do genuinely have to say the way that I only have experience with Jimmy Kimmel But the the Jimmy the way that that show is run is so insane like I've never seen a more efficiently run business Then that like everybody knows exactly what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it and even Jimmy himself who was like on Vacation like he's he has guest host because he's like Taking the summer of his in Italy where the hell is that and even he's like texting me. Oh, no. Hey, and he looks like I'm gonna have to need I'm gonna need to check in on this one. Yeah, jelly roll. He'll handle it But yeah, I'm gonna be a short leash on this stuff Yeah, he's like he's like he literally is like send me the monologue and then ever I read the monologue his notes He's like I love these jokes have after every single one. Can you just yell fuck Trump? Yeah, you're already you're the opposite of Shultz where you're like I wish I would have had him on You're trying to get him on now yeah, I'm publicly a present Trump. I love what you're doing these days Yeah, I like Cynthia did kill himself president Trump come on Chrissy K. Oh So so you know even Jimmy like helping him with the monologue the writers these guys Josh and Danny like unbelievable like you go in because the way it is is you know I mean, this is a little in the weeds, but maybe some people find this interesting probably enough. I'm gonna do it fast 90 seconds. I'm gonna do this like an ad read Just imagine we're telling you my true classic t-shirts So so that you come in the days are not that long It's like you get in at 10 a.m. And you're done you film that show from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m So like you're out by 5 p.m. So I was walking out of there at 5 p.m. Like having dinner with my family is so crazy Yeah, but you come and you practice they they have a whole bunch of monologue jokes that you read out loud to a room And they're they're not there are no pity laughs. They're their job is to say we will laugh We think it's like so the first round you are I mean eating it you are eating it like in front of like 40 people like you're eating it You got to read these jokes and the ones that get even a slight left there's okay circle And then you work and work and work and then by the time then at 2 p.m. You fully rehearse the monologue But like the writers are writing the entire day and you're putting some of your spin on it some of you know The topical spin on it and then the all the guests are pre-interviewed So like I had like 10 questions for each guest and believe it or not Although I the guests were like Julie Bowen Hannah Wattingham with just two smoke shows Hannah Watting was looking I was I clicked To to be like let's support my boy. I'm like. Don't I need to fucking watch Ted lasso She is like stunning, and then Julie Bowen was out of control Julie Bowen jumped on the desk At one point all that yeah, and then Jasmine was standing there with a nine millimeter She's got you see you're like yeah, putting on the silent certainly like yeah, get off the desk Literally as soon as I got back out there when the show was like over I was like finally done now Do they notes like where they get booked? It are they is it like when you ask someone to your podcast? They find out it's when they find out it's you is it like they put me on the patreon is that what they feel like when it's you Yeah, like what the fuck man the only one is is is is Julie like she like Found out like the day before and she was like on the verge of canceling But then she found out he used to be a physical therapist So she was like oh, I want to ask him about that But then she never asked me without and said she just jumped on the desk and I she put her butt in my hand That's pretty good. I had to just face Jasmine 20 minutes after and Jasmine just goes you know I'm mad But I'm we're not gonna deal with it now. We're gonna have a good time. We're going to Disneyland tomorrow We'll address it when we get home. We'll just post goofy. Yeah, we'll just really get home But then but then you know, we've been home now for a couple days and she hasn't said anything until I've reminded her on this Right, right, but but but so you know you asked those questions and to be honest with you the hardest interview in that Setting was with Shane because Shane and I prepared the least because we were like oh, we'll just kick it But then you realize like that's not a podcast right? You got it in seven minutes You got to find out what's interesting what's funny have a bit and so me and Shane like we had a great time But we both were like oh this was hard like this we even said Shane even said he was like this is harder than a pod On the TV just say slurs and get him bleeped out later. Yeah, we were just like but but it was it was one of those opportunities that I kind of It's in a weird way even though late night is is ending and there's no doesn't feel like there's an opportunity to host late night It did give me like this sense of confidence like oh, I can do that and I started to care less about like my ticket sales Not being where they were or like you know, just any type of insecurity I've had about me I've kind of been like oh, but you you you because it was one of those things Well like a lot of times I'll do something in my career and I'll be like yeah You laughed at it, but I know it's bullshit. That wasn't as funny. I just thought I only This is the Chrissy psychology episode The sleeping in bed with your mom and yeah, I'll have good things happen. I'll say you're a fat piece of shit Yeah, you should have gotten your ass eating you fucking home That's really what I was saying to Josh when I said get me a croissant. I really wanted to say lick my ass But but so but I felt confident about I felt good and I also just kind of dude and by the way I'll I haven't said this publicly yet, but mr. Kim will if you're watching and we know that you are yeah The way I was cuz I was very nervous the way was deeply farting into your seat Wow, like you should absolutely get you know get go to stay on these cleaners I mean dude I'm talking about where I ripped a fart with Hannah that I cuz I could not hold it that I was like if she's nervous For her because I couldn't get if she smelled that which maybe she did I there's no way to be like it wasn't me like if she Would have addressed what does that smell like I have said I just shit my pants on Because I when I get nervous it just you know, I was also drinking a ton of Silly him husk, which is like cleans out your calling could I just want to feel as felt as possible? Wow, so I was just like isn't that what bottoms do before they get their ass fucked that's right. So we're literally like We aren't to do whatever is just like bullet. Yes, the Turkish military is just like he was so close and it just crossing the like he could not fight Silly much yeah, yeah, I I had problems Shitting and I would take I try something but if you take too much of it, you'll get backed up It's actually a mistake to do so what if you're over if you're over doing the silly musk or so I was over and L.A. was over doing I was taking two tablespoons of it So now I've to I've got my I've called a doctor friend, and he said you should do half of a table spoon So now I take it and it's just now. I'll just take like a beautiful because you're they come out a nice log God health is if you take a beautiful S shape shit That's what you want to see when you look in the ball if you see S shape. Yes Yes, you want it to be curled and you wanted sinking to the bottom You want a nice dense floating S shape lock, okay, and then you know I got a nice head of C I had a nice dense CK because you want it to basically go through like your colon and like clean everything out But if you are just splattering it like a paintball. That's not good. Yeah. Yeah. I've got I've been there I've definitely had some Jackson Pollock and some Jackson Pollock battle movements that's most of my life Yeah, yeah, you don't want your shit to look like Nickelodeon Yeah, I think this gack went bad Yeah, but I mean would you would you if Jimmy gave or any late-night host gave you the opportunity to do it Would you do it? Would you be like I don't want to even go into that world? I would love to I mean I would love to almost like because it is like Like nerd fantasy factor stuff the way that like investment bankers pay to like pretend they're on the Yankees for a week Yeah, when it didn't these to do that where it's like
They would do that in like the 90s. They still do fantasy camp. My friends go to it. They do Metz fantasy camp. My accountant does it. That's hilarious. That's always a good text to get from a county LP unavailable for two weeks during tax season. 'Cause I'm making believe I'm a pitcher for the Metz and Florida. I mean, that's the stereotype. He does grown men, grown men dudes. One thing he was like for kids, but I would do it because of that. I would do it because I'm a comedy nerd because I love that stuff because not only, you know, I respect late night but also one of my favorite shows is the Larry Sanders show, which is all about what it was like to be. And it would just be like, you know, I'm a fan of comedy and I just wanna try every, I would love to do it for sure. And you know what I think too? Like late night, I understand the format as is going away. I mean, even every, you know, the host, he Kimmel will admit that to you. Like, everybody knows going away. Colbert, obviously, you know, is going away. But I do think it'll stay around in some capacity but probably not on a nightly basis, maybe like once a week, like a John Stewart. The way John Stewart does it seems to be like, okay, if it's gonna happen, it'll be like a once a week show. Well, I really, not a nightly. I did "Millaney Show" on Netflix. I love what they're doing. Yeah, it's like, that's loose. It's conversational. It's something different. It's like, the live aspect was really cool. Oh, there's a live studio on it's there. No, but I mean, when we're going, it's going out into the world. So a "Millaney Show" whatever you're saying. Zero edits. Zero edits is just out. That's cool. And that gave it a real sense of energy. And so like, they're doing, there people are doing interesting stuff. And it's like that, right? Where it's like, it's not every day. We did it for a specific set amount of time. So yeah, I think live weirdly might be the solution 'cause it felt cool. It felt like, and then, you know, kids, that's what every kid takes in all their, I think we're going backwards, where it's like, it's gonna be like a live simulcasts. Because what's the most successful thing in the world is fucking twitch streaming. Yes. Like it's just kids online constantly. Yeah. Shout out to Hassan. Shout out to Hassan, Pike. Yeah, that's my guy. Yeah. Okay, you know, it's funny too, you say, like, going backwards 'cause like, my kids, dude, we, so, it's my, what do they watch? So they watch, I mean, first of all, they're watching K-Pop and the Demon Hunters. It's the biggest movie in Netflix history. I mean, these Koreans are taking over. Yeah. So, and I'm ready for it. And I love it. By the way, the movie K-Pop and the Demon Hunters, at first, you're like, I can't keep watching this, but then like when the kids fall asleep, you'll just keep watching and you're like, I love it. But, so it's interesting is my kids have really, like, they love watching, everybody loves Raymond. Oh, it's interesting. Like, they like those sitcoms. A slim mom who works too hard. It's a great theme song. Never to serve, ever. Yeah. It works too hard, but never stops. Yeah. Yeah. Really, they watch old sitcoms. So they like that and then, dude, the other day on, I think we were, say, Amazon Prime, maybe, whatever. Jasmine was just scrolling and the girls were like, my daughters were like, kind of falling asleep, whatever. And then, Jasmine sees saved by the bell. So she puts it on and then, literally, the theme song comes on and we just start going, when you wake up in the morning and then, literally, me and Jasmine are singing, they make it on, like it came over us. Of course. Like, we weren't saying we're gonna sing the song, we just started doing it in harmony. Where my tenure all got up and was like, what happened? Yeah. Like, she was shocked. And then she's like, what is happening? And we're like, this is saved by the bell. Yeah. And then she's like, what, what is this? And then the first season of saved by the bell, I don't know if you remember, like, it's weird. It's weird, like, the character, it's like, miss about this teacher, miss Bliss, who's like barely in it. It's weird, but still, it's like Zach and Screech. Oh, dude, I remember being a fat little loser and being like, I'm a Zach. Yeah, I'm exactly like Zach. And then you're Screech. And then, yeah, I mean, yeah, if I could have been, I wish I was Screech, you know? Screech didn't Screech get to like, kiss Lisa once or something. He kissed Lisa once. I never got that, no. And then so, and so, so anyway, my daughters, that's like, they watch it like, they're watching every episode of saved by the bell now, because I can tell, like, yes, you know, there's a matter to you, but it doesn't even like, Jaz and I will be like in another part of the house. I'll be upstairs or whatever. And they'll just be watching that on their own. Like, they like that entertainment better than the current stuff. Like, he was, oh, they wanna watch YouTube and all that. And they still do a little bit, but I'm watching my children transition from like, YouTube shorts of like, just some guy who's like clearly exploiting his daughter to like, so he can be famous, but he's like, let's take her to the mall and play a prank. Yeah, like that guy, big, or AJ, big justice in AJ. Yeah, that's awful, that's awful, that's awful, some's awful. It literally feels like child abuse, but it is, whatever. And so, and so, and so, and so there, and without, Jaz and I even saying anything, they're going to watch that or they'll watch like, you know, devil wears prod, they'll watch like old school movies. Like, they love watching, they love watching like, anything from Adam Sandler's like, old stuff. Like, they watch click and big daddy and all that. And then I was like, oh, we should start having to watch Woody Allen movies, and Jaz was like, what? She was like, Woody Allen. I was like, we don't have to tell him like about the guy. Yeah, I was up to. I was like, the movies are good though, let's take, they're my biological daughters. Yeah. I'm not going to do nothing in there. And my stepkids are dude. Yeah, you know, we're fine. Yeah, I'm not going to go woody mode on them. Yeah. And so, and so, it's interesting. Also, it's hilarious, because you're like, yeah, they should watch Manhattan, and then you're like, children are dating adult men. He's mad at about, he's like dating a 16-year-old, or something, sucked up. And then in Annie Hall, there's a moment. That was like, I was enjoying Annie. Oh, and it is a great movie. But there was a moment where I'm like, wow, good movie. And then there's a scene where his friend is like, trying to convince him, tell him how cool L.A. is. And he's like, the pussy's unbelievable. It's something like this. I'm paraphrasing, but he's like, Max, you know, these girls come up with a party. They're unbelievable. They're twins. And it's like, okay, incest kind of weird. He was like, you know, hot, gorgeous. And then he's like, 16, as like a selling point. And he's like, this is the kind of pussy you can fucking L.A. is, children. And he's like, and what he's like, you can see him being like, that sounds awesome. Like in the '70s, 16 was a selling point. Yeah. Into these fucking freaks. Maybe keep your 11-year-old daughter away from media like that. That's a long time. I know. You're like, oh, I just signed them over to this modeling company over this night. It's in the Caribbean Island. I don't know much about it. Well, they had it down a couple years, but apparently they're rebuilding. They're making it greater, St. James now? Yeah. Yeah. I know that last week, I swear, we're in the kitchen. And we had seen, we had taken the family to see Jurassic Park. And they loved it, and you know, Scarlett Johansson's in it. And I said to Jazz, I was like, oh, we should watch match point. That has Scarlett Johansson, it's a Woody Allen movement. She's like, you mean the one where they murder Scarlett Johansson? You want to show Delilah that? She was just saying how much she loved Scarlett Johansson in Jurassic Park. So she wasn't even by Dinosaur. She wanted to get murdered and then her body buried and hid in from the law on match point. She's like, are you a dummy? She's like, we're not putting on that movie for her. Let's watch the lovely bones. Yeah. She was like, oh, we can watch her as a Marvel heroine star. Without being powering for our daughter. I was like, oh, shit. I just watched the movie where she actually, again, I don't know why this keeps happening. It was a, it was a Cohen Brothers movie, The Man. I think it was called The Man From Nowhere. Is that right? Yeah. Ben Spoony. Oh, yeah. I didn't see the fun. But she's in it. No, The Man From Nowhere is a Korean movie that I watched. Look up The Man From Something, The Man From Cohen Brothers. Yeah. Anyway. No, not a serious man. That's a good one too. Fuck. I'm blowing it. This is bad podcasting. No, who cares? Wait, it doesn't matter. But yeah, there's a weird, yeah. There's an old man obsessed with Scarlett Johansson and she falls in love with him. Don't show them that movie either. Dude, you know what was funny? I took, I took my steps and I got invited to the Jurassic Park like right now. The man who wasn't there, sorry. Like the interesting movie. It's like it was a Gandalfini's in it. If you're a Gandalfini fan. Who isn't? Cause he didn't do that much film work. He plays a really interesting character. But yes, Scarlett Johansson is, there's a weird relationship. There's a weird, so don't show this to your, I'm just telling you something not to show your daughter now. It's weird. Well, that's a good movie. It's because I went with my stepson to the Jurassic Park premiere and it was great and obviously Scarlett Johansson is there, you know, like it's premiere and it was so funny, she's obviously gorgeous. She's wearing like this white dress and it was like the first time I ever saw my stepson like he was lit because they gave us Jurassic because he's a child. They gave him a Jurassic Park lego set. So I just watched him holding his lego set by like the plastic handle just like looking at Scarlett Johansson for like way too long and it was like I get it buddy and he was like, what do you mean? I was like, she's beautiful. He was like, no, she's not. And then just just walk away to the lego set in front of his crops, just running back to the car. And then just ran up to the room and locked his door. Yeah. Wow, to the premiere. Yeah. Well, you know, it's great. Here's what's awesome. Here's how I fell into that. Yeah. Is what happened is is when I was doing the Hay Bay podcast with Sal, Volcano, obviously, you know, and practical joke is whatever. He took me as a plus one once to he gets him, you know, they get in my course. You got to have the chokers, if you want to be a Hollywood power player, you got to have it. If you need Sal, Murr, and the boys up there, you need Q and Murr and an earpiece and then Sal running and giving Colin Joseph an atomic wedgie on the red carpet. So, so, so, but, but you know, it was great. He took me as a plus one, and it was it was what was it Santino's movie? What was Santino's movie? Ricky Stenicki? Yes, yes. Ricky Stenicki. And, and, and so I got made friends with like the person who like invited him. I made friends with that person, and now I know what happens. They'll email Sal. Yeah. You can't make it. And then I will get even if the rest of the juggers can't make it. And then if the guy who's the magician on True TV? Yeah. The Carbonara Effect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's another show. Yeah. - Yeah, if you can't make it, then you get to get it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because I could always tell like if the premiere, like the premiere I believe was like a Tuesday, I get emailed Monday night at 9.45 pm. They're like, okay, now we are in desperation. What other New York idiots can just show up? So I'm thankful to Sal for that. But that's why he's a good friend and doing better than you. - Yes, so that you can go. - So I can go to the things he used to listen for. - Yes, and it's one of those things where I think the person who sends me the emails is always thankful for me because I've almost never say no. - But it's like immediately available. - They're like, yeah, well, if we got a professional seed filler would cost us $25 an hour. - Yeah, this is true, we'll just do it for free. - Yeah, and he'll post it. - Yeah, and it'll be good. - He'll talk about it on a pod. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But it was, by the way, let me just, I don't know if we, if you've seen it, but the new Jurassic Park, I personally think is the best one. - There's no way that's true. - It's under water, dude. - Including the first Jurassic Park. - It's not, okay, it's the second best one since the first one. - But dude, don't. - Wow, high praise. - If you bring Christmas stuff into your PR event, you're gonna get quotes like, full quotes like that. It's the second best one since the first one. (laughing) - Yeah, you heard your first one. It's middle of the road, Jurassic Park. - You know me. - But it is under water and his son did get hard at the premier. (laughing) - That's the thing, nothing controversial. (laughing) - Yeah. - You can have that in the joker's, you're cold. (laughing) - It is? - No, it's awesome. - Yeah. - Because it's all, the whole, there's a, you know, first of all, dinosaurs start eating people immediately. - Love that. - Then you get under water. - Yeah, the whole, there's, there's, I heard, I haven't seen it yet, but I heard there were cool elements where that there is, it's almost like video game like where there's different bosses. There's sea air. - Yes. - And like land, right? - Yes. - Well yeah, dude, the one in the air, these taradactyls are like, because what the premise of the movie is, is basically like their mutant dinosaurs. - Love that. - They abandoned the real Jurassic Park, which we know as kids. You know, they abandoned Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park 35 years ago, and now they've just been, but the scientists before they left, you know, basically left this dinosaurs a bunch of steroids and mutation things, and they've eaten them all and procreated. So now you have like a T-Rex with like half a head. - Okay. - That's 10 times too big. - Okay. - You know, some sea monster, that's like a football field long. - Okay. - And it was just awesome. And they have to get their genes or something, right? - Yes. - And they have to get, they have to get some of their blood. - I'm not even kidding. It sounds like I'm making a joke, because you have to get their DNA. - No, they have to get their DNA in order to cure heart disease and amongst humans. - Really? - It makes sense, dude. - Okay. - Yeah, everything you're selling it, great. - Yeah. - It makes sense. - And then we're all sitting in the movie, being like, can't they just take statins? (laughing) I don't have just regular cholesterol or medicine? Interesting, yeah. I haven't seen that. I saw Eddington, which I really liked. - What's that one about? - Are you asking the movie? It's about, it's like a COVID movie, which I thought it would be too early for. - Right. - And part of me was a little like, I'm like, ah, I don't really want to think about the pandemic, but it basically takes place. It's like a small town sheriff is in this like town and I think the Southwest, somewhere maybe Arizona or something. And he's like. - I don't even say Wuhan. - No, no, no, he's like, he's like, it's in, yeah, it's in somewhere in the desert, right? And Joaquin Phoenix plays a small town sheriff who's like, you know, masks or bullshit. - Sure. - Pedro Pascal plays like, kind of like a centrist lib politician. He's like, hey, we have to have, you know, we have to, and then Pascal's, or I'm sorry. Joaquin's married to Emma Stone, who's like, mom is a crazy QAnon, but it hits all the like, and there's all these like Black Lives Matter kids. - Yeah. - You know, like, young, and then there's like, there's very, there's very funny. And it's like a insane movie, but I really loved it. It was like, there was, there was some incredible laugh. There's one big laugh at the end of the movie even though it, and it's got like some very, some crazy twist and turns, but some great acting performances. I think Ariash is a great filmmaker, you know, he did hereditary, which is-- - Oh, hereditary's one of the scariest movies ever seen in my life. - Yeah, I mean, he's Tony Collette. - So it's banging our head off the wall and you're terrified of your mother like that? - Dude, and I'm not, I was not-- - He definitely doesn't sleep in the bed with his mom. - No, no, no, maybe he does too much. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, some, he's got, he shares some kind of psychology with you for sure. But, yeah, I wasn't a horror movie guy, literally until I saw hereditary, and that kind of kind of got me more into the genre. And then I, and then I, being a fucking, the fat 80 and I am now, I'm just into like, 80s horror movies that are basically soft for pornography. - You ever seen Mid-Summer? - Yeah, he did Mid-Summer, dude. - Yeah, I'll tell you that was connected. - So he's great, and so, it's a weird, it's a strange, you know, two and a half hours long, but I really liked it. I thought it was really fun, so go check it out. - So anyway, that's Stav and Chris' movie corner for some reason. - There it is. - But it's very important to note, it is episode 300. - Yes, it is. - And you can tell how much Tom and Bert care, 'cause we're here. - We're here, yeah. - You can tell how much Josh cares with a ringed over three and two zero to look like bots. - Yeah, this is what he means. You guys are zero, we have two zeroes hosting this episode. - Yeah, that's what he really wants to say. - So, we have, you know, last week or, yes, the first episode we had, Bert had a video message now, our dear one half, our dear leader, Tom has left us a message for this episode, so let's use that to take us out here, folks. Let's see what Big Tim, he's got to say to us. - Yeah. Look at that spelt face, nice manicured. - Yeah. - He does, he does at the same time, he looks like he's very, he does look like just this picture alone, he does look like a gay daddy. - Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, like they're daddy. - Yes. - And he does kind of look like my dad right now. - Right. - My dad has a similar bald head gray beard. - But you're not thin like this, right? Tom's nice and spelt. - My dad, no, I know you'd assume my dad's, you know, like fat as shit, my dad is actually, he's actually, not as spelt as Tommy, but he does remind me a little of my father right now. - Hey guys, big fan of the pod. I just want to congratulate you on your 300th episode. - Thanks man. - I personally prefer to weigh, weigh, weigh more than the previous hosts. - Yes, the comments are great. - A hundred more episodes of you guys, and it's just you guys doing this podcast. So you've, you know, you've really come a long way and I'm a great fan of mine. - Thank you. - I'll never do that pod myself again, but I'm glad you guys are doing it. I also wanted to point out that I guess maybe I'm like Chris because we're both a little gay, but I do want to defend the fact that as a woman, I'm not, I'm not gonna stand for any like slander of like Tom as a lady, like I was, that, I was cute. That's what you are. - You are some chick and both of you. Let's be honest, both of you would fuck that girl. Sorry, I'm not even gonna entertain you, I'm kidding. - That wouldn't fuck her. - Fuck her. - Yeah. - You would too. - Yeah. - Birds, bitch-ass, look, he was, yeah. She was dirty, he was gross. - Yeah, she was okay. - She's a nice girl. - She was nice. - She is, I just think that you're right. - 100%. - She looks like the kind of girl that I'd have sex with after a Trump rally. (laughing) - She had condies, I will. - And at least it did feel like a woman, as opposed to birds, which did feel like a bird. But your point is taken, Tom. And nice try, we don't want it, we're listening. We're playing violin on the Titanic right now, but we're getting out on one of the lifeboats. See, you cock suckers are coming back in five, four weeks, whatever it is. - We, nice try trying to saddle us with this little shit. - Yeah, I like Tom's 1950s secretary women glasses, too. I like that. You should put those glasses on the girl version and I'll fuck you 'cause you look like Hannah Gatsby. (laughing) - That is more your speed. - Yeah, that's more your time. - That was what I like Australian women. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You know what, that's fair. I actually did feel, I re-looked it, 'cause we posted the clip, I looked at it, I agree with Tom. - Yeah. - I, point rescinded, and I never said I wouldn't fuck her, I don't think. - No, no, I don't, I just, you know. - We were actually clearly stating that we wouldn't have sex with burp, but we would both have sex with token, great. - And that's what I thought. - Yeah, yeah, and I was, I run the tape and we're just lying. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Josh puts it in, we're like, fuck you. - Yeah, bitch. - Yeah, boon up to his tricks again. - We got spoon. - Yeah, we did get spooned. - But I think, I honestly think that I thought Tom is a beautiful man and a beautiful woman. - I'll say that. - I agree. - No, that's fair. I don't have the note to end episode 300 on. - That's it. - Thank you guys for listening. We are having fun. We will not do this podcast full. But let's just put that in, I'll give you my lawyer to make sure, actually, I'm gonna go watch, look at the contract I signed, 'cause I bet you that we fuck it, we didn't agreed well enough. And they're like, after the sixth episode, you stop payment, but you have to do it for your whole life. - You have to do it forever. - Yeah, 'cause I bet you that's what we signed. So, I'm gonna go talk to my lawyer, and we'll see you guys next week. Bye-bye. ♪ Tone, time and birth ♪ ♪ One goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tone tells stories and births the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Two, there's one cave ♪
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