Are We Doomed to Lose Attraction to Our Partner?

probably the number one thing that leads to relationship dissatisfaction and ultimately leads to more relationships that end more than anything else even though it's not the only thing is feeling like you are roommates with your spouse or with your partner and not lovers and the question of how do we sustain passion and chemistry and attraction in a long-term relationship over years and sometimes decades is in many ways one of the hardest questions to answer because the truth is in the first few weeks or few months or first year of a relationship part of what makes it so lustful is the fact that it is uncertain that it's not the only thing that leads to a relationship that is so lustful The law of familiarity makes it so that we can take each other for granted, then if we're not careful, then the person who's supposed to feel like our lover starts to feel like our sibling. And once that happens, once you really look at your partner and just feel like that sibling energy, you can have all the friendship in the world, but you're going to feel empty in the relationship. You're going to feel like something pretty major is missing. And that's when a lot of people end up moving on. This episode is sponsored by Indeed. If you're a small business, the right hire can be a make or break for you. Hoping the right person sees your job posting is truly not the best growth strategy because when the pressure's on and you need the right hire, just like if you were to find that right person to partner with, this is a job that you can do. And if you're a small business, this is a job that you can do. Sponsored jobs. So for example, if I had to hire someone tomorrow, I wouldn't want to waste time on people who don't really get what I do and what my team does. I'd want someone who understands our workflow and can contribute right away. 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They've given up on trying to bring that sort of newness to the relationship to excite one another. And the thing is, is that in the beginning of a relationship, we do a lot to, to add to the erotic and seductive energy between us and the other person. We take care of our bodies. We try to look good. We try to smell good. We've a lot of times we go into a relationship and we try to like focus on our lives too. And we try to like focus on our lives too. And we ourselves happy so that we can, when we can bring to the table, a kind of more holistic sense of self. And then it's just very easy for our lives to kind of get so blended. And it's not a bad thing. It's, it's, it's actually, it's just part of life. We start to stop caring and we stop marketing ourselves to the other person. And the thing is, is that in order to bring novelty, back into a relationship, you don't really have to do these major things. I have seen the spark come back in a relationship where one person either gets a new job or starts working on something different or pursuing something different in their, in their hobby or work life. And they're energized by that. So it's two things. They're energized by it, but they're also consumed by it. And then all of a sudden their partner is like, wow, this person like that I have like gotten so used to is seeing almost as an extension of me is actually their own person. I'm seeing a little, like I'm seeing a little bit more of who this person was before I really knew them. I'm seeing them excited about life. We are always more attractive to other people when we, we have some sort of passion about something that's going on in our life. We don't have to be happy all the time. We don't have to be smiling all the time. We don't have to be stress-free all the time. None of that is actually true. But if we're actually passionate about something, if we actually engage in something, it doesn't have to be work that, that brings us into a flow state where we're singularly focused on that one thing and nothing else matters. And then our partner or whoever else is actually witnessing us totally in our own independence and autonomy and excitement with, with whatever it is that we're doing. The person who is witnessing us doing that will become more attracted. So sometimes it's just about, wow, I've been stuck in routine. I'm feeling a little like, you know, disconnected from myself and my life. I'm not really doing the hobbies that make me happy. I'm not really doing some of the things that really make me happy. Maybe it's even just hanging out with my friends or whatever it is. It can be small, but the energetic shift is huge. And so, so much of when a spark or the fire kind of dims between two people, often the first place to look and to ask ourselves is how has the fire dimmed inside of us? Because think about it. Most people are most attracted to their partner when they see their partner doing something that makes them happy, that has nothing to do with them. It's like, wow, now I am seeing your, your individuality and you don't need me. You don't, in fact, you don't need anyone. And that is the seduction and the longing and the yearning. And then all of a sudden you're like, I want more of that. I want to be a part of that. And that is the separateness. It's not about necessarily having to physically separate. Although, you know, absence does make the heart grow stronger. And sometimes having, you know, when one person goes on a trip and then they come back and they miss each other, that's all valuable. But I really want to hone in on the fact that it does not have to be physical, have to do with physical proximity. It has to do with energy. And autonomy. And that's the difference for me. Honestly, cowboy colustrum. I started taking cowboy colustrum for my gut, but the results I did not expect are the ones that shocked me. My hair is noticeably thicker and fuller. My skin is clearer and I am not bloated anymore. And this is not just my experience. Cowboy ran a clinical study and the numbers back it up. 83% of participants report improved gut health. 79% experienced less bloating and inflammation. 72% saw improved digestion and 62% saw fuller, thicker hair. Cowboy colustrum offers the highest quality bovine colustrum available in the U.S. It's 100% made in America from 100% American grass-fed cows. For a limited time, our listeners get up to 25% off their entire order. Just head to cowboycolostrum.com slash Jillian and use code Jillian at checkout. That's 25% off when you use code Jillian at cowboycolostrum.com slash Jillian. So here are some things that I have seen create the biggest ruptures between two people in a relationship. One is stress. And so what do I mean by stress? So this could be the day-to-day stress and feeling frustrated every day, maybe feeling a little negative, just the, you know, day-to-day habitual reaction to the demands of our life. And if we develop a low, tolerance for the everyday normal demands of life, we become grouchy. Um, we become irritable and we become negative. And as a result, when we're in that state on a consistent basis, we don't feel sexy. We don't actually feel attractive or good or, or, or even seductive in that state. So it would be impossible for you to be, or for any of us to be in that state where we're reacting to the demands of our lives. And it would be impossible to be in that state and to also feel alive, sexy, erotic, desirable. And if we're not feeling that in ourselves, the person we're in a relationship with is not feeling it towards us either. And I'm sure you've experienced that with someone else where you're just like, you are constantly stressed. You are constantly negative. And as a result, I don't feel attracted to you and that happens. And that's why it's so important that we have to commit to ourselves in the relationship and the relationship. We have to commit to having a little fun. We have to commit to some play. We have to commit to having some adventure with ourselves and with the person we're in a relationship with. We've got to turn the volume up when it's our nature or when it's our inclination or when it's our habit to turn the volume down on that. And then the second thing, like I said, is just a little too much togetherness. And every person is different. Some couples, I mean, there are some couples who thrive on working together and living together. And it works really well. For other people, that would be a catastrophe. So I can't say that there's just one way in a relationship that would actually be utterly ridiculous. We're so different. And we just have to. We have to decide the kind of relationship that works for us and the person and our partner. But sometimes what I mean by too much togetherness is that there's no space at all, like I said, for longing, for missing each other. There's not enough time for witnessing each other out in the world, relating to other people. There's not enough time of us taking it upon ourselves to spend time with others outside of the relationship. And look, and this is particularly true for a lot of women. A lot of women are. And you need to know this if you're in a relationship with a woman. Our inclination is, especially if we're mothers, is to over-function, to over-give, to make sure that everyone else is getting, and then we don't give anything to ourselves, and then we're exhausted, and then we're not in the mood for sex, and we're not in the mood to put on anything other than sweatpants because we're burnt out. And I cannot stress enough how important it is if this is, if I'm speaking to you right now, that you have to. Your relationships with your children, if you have them, your relationship with your partner depend on, and your relationship with yourself depends on you taking the time to give to yourself. I don't care if that's a bath. I don't care if that's the gym. I don't care if that's a walk. I don't care if that's a nap, reading, whatever it is. You have to carve out time for you because it replenishes you. And when you. You are replenished. You and everyone in your orbit benefits from that. And so if you're with someone who tends to burn out quickly and just give to everyone else, the most loving thing you can do is to really encourage them to take a time out from that and to give to themselves. This episode is sponsored by Masterclass. I love Masterclass. You are a learner and you love to learn. You love to grow. You love to become a master at different skills. I would imagine that you do. This is for you. It has the world's best instructors. Unlike other learning platforms, Masterclass puts you in the room with the people who defined their fields, not just experts, but the best in the world. Over 200 classes across 13 categories. Business, writing, cooking. Creativity, wellness, and more. With plans starting at just $10 a month, build annually. And it actually works. Three in four members feel inspired every time they watch. I love it. I use it all the time. And 83% have applied something they've learned to their real lives. It's really kind of amazing. By the way, every new membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. We love that. I mean, I have learned how to cook like the best eggs and omelets ever. And you'd think that would be easy. But no, it's not necessarily easy. People have told me when they've tried it that it's better than any restaurant or even five-star hotel they've ever been to. Right now, as a listener of this show, you get at least 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash J-O-L. That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash J-O-L. Head to masterclass.com slash J-O-L to see the latest offer. The next thing that I want to mention is physical touch that is non-sexual, non-sensual. We can go a long time, believe it or not, without actually having intercourse, but we can't go very long without physical touch. And the strongest, healthiest couples I know make it a point to touch each other, hold hands. Um, hug, place a hand on a shoulder. They make it a point to, to be in physical contact with each other in some way every day. And that is so incredibly important because when there's a handhold or a hand on a shoulder or a hug, and then you combine that with eye contact. Then you're, that's how you're communicating with each other and you're communicating presence. You're communicating, um, love. You're communicating, um, attraction. You're communicating so much. And we are beings that need physical touch. And so that's incredibly important. I can't tell you one of the things that was one of the most shocking discoveries that I made after working with, um, my first hundred couples that I ever worked with was how many of the couples who were struggling, they didn't, there was no touching. And part of that, yes, maybe there was some resentment that had built up and that's why they stopped, but believe it or not, the not touching was less frequently the byproduct of their problem. And more frequently, one of the things, one of the things that contributed to their problems. And so that's important. It's, it's affection and you don't get tripped up on the love languages. Like everyone needs it. And, and if it's something that's difficult for you, you have to learn how to transcend it because it's incredibly important because connection is at the core of everything between a relation between two people and physical touch. It's almost like the gateway drug to, to more sensual touch. And it's incredibly important for passion and for keeping the passion and the connection alive in a relationship. And then the last thing that I will, um, point out today about this is this, when we get very comfortable with someone, when we trust them, when we feel really comfortable with them, we feel very safe with them. It is easy for us to treat people. People who we feel really safe with, not as well as we do with others. Sometimes our manners go out the window. Think about it with family. It's like, we can kind of like be our lowest selves with family. We know that the love is unconditional and this is what couples start to do. They start to, they, they, they're like, they turn on the charm. They turn on the good manners when they're out in the world or at work. And then they come home. And it's like, they, it's like they bring their leftovers home to their partner, strangers and coworkers got the charming side of them. And then the partner gets the grumpy side of them. And that might be probably one of the most common and yet destructive habits in a relationship. You have to treat your partner as if. They could leave you and you deserve to be treated by someone who knows that they could lose you. And what happens is that we get in a relationship, we get comfortable and we start to treat our partner as though they would never leave us as though they would never lose attraction to us as though they would never get fed up with us. Turn on the charm at home, bring your higher self to your partner and watch your relationship. Transform. Anyway, that's it for this week's episode of Jillian on love. Um, can't wait to hear what you have to say about it, to read the comments. Please do not hesitate to reach out at [email protected]. And I know that one of the questions that I'm going to be asked is, well, what if I do all that? But my partner isn't, how do I get them to, to change what I would say is first really, take an inventory, make sure you are doing it because the only energy that you can change is your own really, really bring it forth and bring it forth in a way that you know is going to really be appreciated by them. And then see by doing that, if you influence them, that's the first step always, especially if it's someone who you love, you know, there's no abuse, there's no nothing like that. You love them, but you're stuck in a rut. So first do that. And then the second stage is to. Instead of saying you never, and bring a complaint to them, just say, you know, what really turns me on, or, you know, what really. makes me happy. Or, you know, when I think you are like the hottest, most incredible person is when you do this, when you wear this, when you're doing that, like it's amazing. Pump them up a little bit, inspire them a little bit. And then if that doesn't work, then maybe you're going to have to have some necessary hard conversations, but not before you try that first. Anyway, thanks for being here. And until next time. Produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson. Produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi. I don't think I can be your friend, Isabella said. Rebecca's stomach flipped. This is the love story of real hinge couple Isabella and Rebecca, written and read by me, Temi Denton-Hurst. Listen to the free audiobook now.