Are Modern Relationship's Failing Because Masculinity and Feminity Are Reversed? With Yehuda Kamman

[Music] Welcome to Holy Health. The podcast we're cutting-edge healthy insights and meet timeless biblical wisdom. Join us as we explore the latest and wellness fitness and mental health all while grounding our journey in the spiritual truths and guidance found in the Torah. Whether you're looking to nourish your body, mind, or soul will help you live a life of balanced vitality and faith. Tune into discover how to achieve holistic health through the perfect blend of modern science and ancient wisdom. Let's dive into the fullness of life, body, and spirit together. [Music] Hey guys, welcome back to Holy Health. I am so excited for you to hear today's guest, Yehuda Kamen. Okay, I know I say that all the time because I am so lucky and I absolutely love all of my guests, but Yehuda is talking to everyone of us out there. Sometimes there are certain things that may not resonate with every person, but this is something that should resonate with everyone. Whether you're in a relationship or a marriage or whether you're looking to be in a relationship or a marriage, this conversation is for you. And so much of you what Yehuda talks about really did apply to my own marriage. And I'm luckier than most people because thank God I was married to someone who's a good person, who's a good father. And I a little bit struggled with the idea of whether or not we should get divorced. And I believe my ex-husband probably did as well. Because the end of the day we're lucky and we are two good people who are just probably not good for each other. And so in a situation like that you almost feel like is everything about me? Is the world about me? Is it about my happiness? What about my children? What about other people? So sometimes this decision isn't always that easy. But so often today I feel like relationships do seem to be disposable. It's like, oh, you know, that didn't work out. You know, okay. And it seems like people are much quicker to get divorced. I'm not judging anybody. I'm not judging anybody's, you know, marriage. But I think that many, many marriages today could be saved. If people listen to and possibly took Yehuda Kamen's course and listen to the things that he's talking about. Because so much of what he was saying really did resonate with me. So Yehuda Kamen is the founder of Men of Integrity and a relationship and polarity coach who helps couples restore passion, trust, and deep connection. He's been married for 18 years and he's a father of four. He teaches men to lead with grounded masculine integrity while helping women reconnect to their femininity by speaking their truth and releasing people pleasing. Through his coaching and programs, Yehuda guides couples to rebuild relationships, rooted in honesty, safety, and real polarity. And I met Yehuda through my friend Barbara Heller. And it's a long story how I met Barbara. I met Barbara through my friend Danny. I mean, we all know six degrees of separation with everything. And I felt like Barbara could be an incredible person to do this Torah extra. Barbara is someone who came to Torah in her 20s. She's a Balakshiva. From the time she was in her 20s, she is a comedian. She's an actress and she's so much more than that. And she is not only a bot co-hand at 49 years old. She can still marry a co-hand. And I have her permission to say this. If any of you here, Barbara or C. Barbara, and listen, you should absolutely should listen to the end of this podcast. And you can think of somebody who might be right for Barbara. Barbara is unusual. She's gotten to the age of 49 years old and she is not jaded. And she is not down. And she is positive. And she knows that Bezrat Hashem, that the right person for her is waiting there. And I felt like with this connection to Yehuda, and with Barbara being somebody who is constantly trying to work on herself and who is currently now actually getting a master's degree in family, I believe it's family counseling. I hope I didn't get that wrong. She is someone who is always searching, who is always trying to better herself. And I felt like she could be the perfect person to do the Torah part of our episode. Now I want to say that not only does she do a fantastic job in bringing Torah to this episode, she brings the comedy with it. So I really suggest you listen to the full episode today, because you're getting a comedy show in addition to the Torah. It was entertaining. It was fun. She's always a pleasure. I could speak to her all day long. And it was really, really very well done. Torah extra. And the war is still going on here. You'll actually hear if some of you have never heard the annoying alarm that we get. And I can call it annoying, but then the times we don't get that alarm on the phone before we get the actual siren, it's actually worse. It's like, oh my god, what do you mean? We didn't get that early warning notification on the phone. But you're going to hear one point in the conversation with, Barbara, I did get that early warning notification. So all I can say is that I hope that number one, this podcast should be in the merit that Bezrata Shambar, soon, me, TurboShare, but that also we should have a quick and swift and right. And I guess I should say a just end to this war. I know, and I'm sure you all know that we can really, truly see that Mashiach is closer than ever. And may he come quickly. Shabbat Shalom. Hey everyone, welcome back to Holy Health. I'm really excited to have Yuhuta Kamen with me here today. We are hoping there's not going to be a siren. We are in the middle of this war with Iran right now. We're hoping for the best. But I'm really excited to have Yuhuta here. And thank you so much for joining me today. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Sure. So I first found out about Yuhuta probably three or four months ago. When I happened on an Instagram live that I saw my friend Barbara Heller was doing. And I was interested to see what she was talking about. And I saw she was online with Yuhuta, whose Instagram name is Nine of Integrity. And I started listening to the conversation and I started furiously writing things, comments. And due to the comments I was writing, I don't know if it was Barbara or your Huda or I think it was Barbara said, you know, do you want to come on? Do you want to come on? And I was like, yeah, I would love to come on. Because so many things that Yuhuta was saying were just completely resonating with me. Not going to give too much away. I'm going to let you who to speak to himself. But he was talking a lot within relationships about in today's world, men not really being in their masculine and women maybe not being enough in their feminine if I'm getting that correct. But so much of what he had to say really resonated with me. And I felt like this was a subject that everybody needed to hear. So Yuhuta, thank you so much for coming on today. Pleasure. Thank you. I'm excited. Thanks. Can you give us first just like a little bit about your background, just a little bit about what you do and how you got into this? Yeah, sure. My pleasure. First of all, I'm getting over a little bit of a cold. Clearly a lot. I apologize. So my background on my relationship coach, I've been married over 18 years now. I have four kids. My oldest is 17 going on 18. So been in the game a little bit. I consider myself a pro at this point. I think once you hit 15 years, you're a pro in my opinion. But that's a little joke. So let's see, for the first 10, maybe 11, 12 years of my marriage, like thank God, me and my wife definitely love it first sight. We definitely love each other. We always have and we always feel like best friends. I know a lot of people don't have that. And so I consider myself very blessed to have that. But it doesn't matter. In the sense of we did not have the skills to navigate our marriage. We did not have the skills to really feel embodied in who we really want to be around each other. And that led to the typical roommates, fights, all kinds of issues that happen in everything you can think of almost. They got nothing ever emergency or violent or anything dangerous or anything like that. We never spoke about divorce, nothing like that. So kind of came out on that level unscathed. But emotionally, just like everybody else, in the sense of difficult nights, difficult fights, instead of trying to fight for one day, we'll fight for two weeks, three weeks, a month, you know? Like it's very, you know, me and my wife both became coaches. She was actually coached before I was. She's retired now and we'd always kind of talk about it. And I can relate to it now. It's like everybody's going through something, everyone. Like I don't know anybody who's not. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. And so it's like we all live these lives of stuff is going on with you. So we were no different. And we have this phrase now. My wife came up with it actually. Things don't get better with time. They get better with skills. We did not have the skills. We were not taught the skills. And every time she wanted to open up emotionally, I would shut down. Not because I'm just interested. It's like men are not taught how to be emotionally intelligent. how to be emotionally evolved, how to pay attention to what we call the the the open loops of feminine energy. It's a lot of stuff going on. A lot of tabs open all the time in the feminine energy and men have about one to five tabs open at a time. We kind of move from one thing to another. As I started learning neurology, not a neurologist. I don't have a degree in it but I am fascinated by it because neurology helped me a lot with my own personal trauma, my own anxiety. I never really suffered from clinical depression but normal. Whatever people get depressed about childhood stuff and I tried everything. I personally tried everything, everything except prescription medication. I won't do that. That's my own shita. That's my own thing but therapist and doctors and this but not until I came across a neurologist who explained to me what my brain is going through. To me that really resonated with me and then I started applying that neurology to my relationship and I started to learn that with women in particular they are right and left brain dominance at the same time. Men move very slowly between the right and the left brain and I'm like okay what does this mean emotionally? It's like whoa when it comes to the processing power women are eight times faster than men. Eight times faster. So when they are ready to be emotionally available and need to unload and need to talk about it and need to connect they're running out of speed eight times faster than men and so we're catching up. We don't know what to do with like well first I felt like this and then this happened and then I wanted to talk to my friend about this and then my mom called and men are just like what what's happening and then the women interpret that as he's shutting down he doesn't care. Not true. Overall we use it as an excuse yes men will use it as an excuse and they will rely on that slower software that men have and unfortunately they use it as a weapon but that's where I come in and I teach them the skills not to do that and so I started learning these things and then I started hitting this concept of polarity with a certain coach that I came across and she really broke down like in order to help your wife's nervous system and all these open loops and your lack of accountability that you do as a masculine somebody needs to be in charge of this relationship. Somebody needs to take the lead and women have a beautiful survival mechanism that God gave them with this boosted up software system eight times faster than men if no one's taking the lead she will not only will she she will do it eight times better than you but what happens if she's doing it eight times better and faster than the man in the house she becomes stuck in her prefrontal cortex front part of the brain which is the fight or flight mode which is her masculine she becomes stuck in her masculine energy of doing things very right very planning this doing this having this plan having this structure having it all taken care of and the man I don't mean this as a negative thing but it sounds a little negative the man becomes passive and lazy about it because she'll do okay I have to deal with her being critical and stuff like well she's taking care of everything but huge resentment her heart closes down her body closes down her sexual energy closes down and then you have all this unkempt resentment in the energy fields are like he doesn't care he doesn't pursue me I have to take care of everything and it becomes she's very masculine he becomes passive and feminine so this is a little bit of science how no but it's crazy because I you are describing a few of my friends relationships are married and you're describing and I and I I almost feel bad to say this because I have a very good relationship with my ex-husband and many people who listen to this might know my ex-husband but you were describing a lot of what I found difficult for me right is that I felt like I had another child I felt like and I'm sure he's got plenty of his own complaints and issues that he had with me and but I hear what you're saying and I'm just nodding my head because so much of what you're saying sounds so familiar not just in my own relationship but in so many of my friends relationships I don't have to say the vast majority of couples are this way not because they want to be we as a society as a community even let's say Jewish community and even secular community we're not taught how to handle this nobody talks about this nobody people are waking up about it now for sure and it's definitely making it it's the opposite I don't mean to interrupt you it's the opposite where American society western society is telling you today men should be more feminine and men should be in touch with their feelings and they're actually telling you almost the opposite thing yeah right isn't that what metrosexual is all about like you know you have these men that are not like masculine men anymore yeah and you know there's a very beautiful part about a woman being in her masculine a man being in her his feminine but that has a lot to do in particular with parenting and nurturing like when a woman is parenting that's healthy masculinity she's got to be on top she got to make sure those kids are fed changed safe that's masculine that's leadership she needs to be in her masculine and a man when he's nurturing when he's in his feminine is a lot people don't know this is a lot about what I talk about but people don't understand it's a feminine thing what what do I do if my wife is on the other line right now and she's having a hard time and she wants to what I call clearing off the counter I'm holding space for her from a kind part of my heart and letting her be emotionally vulnerable while I keep her safe that's a feminine energy that's a feminine thing for me to do but it's held in the container of masculinity what is that safety whatever comes my wife's name is shena shena whatever comes out of you whatever you're going through I got you I can handle it you do not need to hold back you're not going to push me away I'm not going to be afraid of what you have to say to me that's masculine leadership in a feminine container of nurturing and love and acceptance so it's all we're all there but you have to have those roles and those responsibilities as a man I have to put on my armor I have five pillars the fourth one is called armor and the woman has to learn to take off her armor where it's like I'm going to learn to trust him and be less and less with all of my open loops in my mind with all of my prefrontal cortex fear fight or flight mode who's going to save me who's going to catch me and I'm going to learn to let him I have a thing it's called learn to let him lead learn to let him fail you need to let him fail he's not going to do it the way you want you won't and a woman needs to work on herself to do that to let him take I can't I always wanted to met why can you take the lead why can you take initiative but only if he does the way I want nope I won't work it won't you have to let him fumble through it you have to let him that's a hard part for the women um and the man I say bro no one's going to save you but you you have to cowboy up and you need to handle this you need to be able to handle difficult things and stop blaming everything on everyone else you are fully responsible for what's happening to you right now it is not your wise fault it's not your parents fault it's not your financial issues your destiny is in your hands the second a man realizes that he'll do very well in my program so anyway went through all that hit a really powerful coach that told us how to deal with Polar this is what I'm talking about is called polarity okay master of energy femenin energy celebrating our differences the more opposite we are the more attracted we will be together that's polarity so went through that and we're we are and we're doing great years ago right three four years ago we're just like crews in we're in synagogue we're talking about this stuff we're at shop his table talking about this stuff people are intrigued wow how do you what did you do how did you do that what you guys seem so amazing together well we worked our ass off to get here number one I thought other people knew this this is a shock to me I thought people knew about this and I was late to the game no I started telling men that tables about it they would call me I got enough men interested I got invited to a men's group a couple different kind of men's groups to talk about it and uh Darra let me tell you they were women's groups it was a bunch of men sitting around complaining not doing anything with them there's themselves and trying to be emotional when men released too much emotion and complain they release estrogen in suppressed testosterone that's also wow biology and neurology but when a man has a goal and reaches it and is celebrated he releases oxytocin and testosterone which makes him more confident actually literally helps him be more masculine so I was I was like this doesn't make sense I'm starting my own men's group and I called the men of integrity and I started inviting people to my house in backyard barbecues and uh they grew to about 70 people a week wow and then uh and then I was like all right I'm gonna to make a structure out of this, a business out of this, I'm gonna become a professional coach. And that was a little under two years ago. - That's me. - I've been online coaching and talking about this and it's been a wild ride ever since then, God. And I just launched my first, I've had my program for two years now, but I just launched my course. I now have a course in a whole program with homework and video challenges and all these different things. So here I am. - That's how me that started, Dara. - Okay, that's incredible. So I have to circle back to a couple of things you said. Number one, you said that the men were complaining too much, right? And that when they complain too much, it brings them into their feminine. So does that mean women need to complain a lot? 'Cause I'm a person who I don't, I actually rarely complain. I rarely complain. But I also think that I am more masculine than feminine. - Yeah, it could be, I don't know you enough, but if you're admitting it, fine, maybe true. But do women need to complain more? I like to use a different word. It's not about complaining, it's about healing. So it comes out as complaining, but women have this thing called diffuse awareness. The diffuse awareness is what is a survival mechanism where she knows where everything is. She knows an evolution, and I don't mean Dara was an evolution. I mean scientific evolution, 'cause we do evolve, we should evolve. Evolution is a real thing, meaning we evolve over time. And diffuse awareness used to be, where are the poison berries, where are the kids, where is the boundary for the tent, where the animals are? She needs to know where all these things are, 'cause the husband was out hunting and gathering and protecting and fighting. So diffuse awareness and a survival mechanism for women allows her to know all these minute details, all at once. Like I said, the hundred plus tabs that are open in the feminine brain, it's a survival mechanism, and it's a beautiful thing. But again, it puts them in their masculine until somebody says, "Close all those tabs, I got you, go take a bath, I will hand all this once I'm home." Go take care of yourself. Nobody's teaching men to say that, nobody's teaching women to accept that. Right? - It's true. - Yeah. - When a woman complains like you said, it's more of a healing process. It's you decompressing from being able to hold all of this stuff all day long. You have to let it out. For example, men create 99, or sorry, 97% of their cortisol and obviously their testosterone, but they have 97% higher capability of handling stress than women. We create our ability to handle stress through testosterone in our testicles. So we have 97% more strength to handle difficult things than women do. Women create their cortisol and their stress hormones and their thyroid, which is in their throat. It's also dealing with weight fluctuation, hormonal fluctuation, and they have 3% compared to men. But when a woman is forced to handle stress, they burn out in order to bring that cortisol down. They need to vent about it. They need to talk about it. They need to emotionally release. And that is probably why so many women have thyroid problems because you've overstressed your thyroid gland. - Yes, exactly. - That is fascinating. - Literally designed by Hashem, but even if you look scientifically, we are designed to handle stress. We are able to go and do crazy wild things and decompress about it in a few minutes, few days, whatever women hold onto it for years, years and years unless it's been processed properly. So yes, training its biology, you must get this out. And men must understand you need to hold that space for her. Have to. - Okay, girls are gonna have a shitty marriage. - Wow, okay, so you mentioned five pillars, you mentioned five pillars and that something you said was like the fourth pillar. Can you talk a little bit about these five pillars? Like just brief overview? - Yeah, so my program is based off of, I have a three month program of a course, live coaching and one-on-one, depending on what you sign up for. And it's based off of five pillars that my wife and I designed based off of our own life and what we've seen successful throughout the years with ourselves and obviously people that I've worked with and helped. So first one is mindset, you need to be able to understand that you are capable of change, that you do not need to be, you know, they can't teach old dogs new tricks. I call BS on that. You have to be able to change and evolve. You can't be stagnant. There's a gentleman by the name of Myron Goldman and if I'm coding him correctly, I'm probably butchering it. It's like if you have activated energy who's curious and want to grow, that same energy will come back to you. You will be expansive. If you have stagnant, this is the way I am, this is what I'm taught, this is where I'm staying, about the energy that will come to you. And he didn't make that up, but I learned that actually this morning, I was learning something by him and he was talking about that, how to bring this energy towards you. You have to be curious and you have to be willing to grow. So I talk about that as my first pill that I like. You wanna fix your relationship, you have to be willing to change. And in order to be willing to change, you have to have a positive mindset, you have to have affirmations, you have to know that I am going to, and want to be a different husband, a different life. Can't do the same thing over and over. That's a definition of your. - Expect the difference. - That's like we do here in Israel. You cannot do the same thing again, and again, and expect a different result. - Yes. - That's the definition of insanity. - Exactly. Yeah, yeah. - The number two is called keeping your word, which means being very consistent and reliable as a man, and learning how to be, learn from your pleasures, sorry, speak from your pleasures and your desires as a woman. That's what it means keeping your word. A man needs to be able to keep his word, but he's going to do these things consistently. A woman needs to be able to learn to no longer husband, please, people, please, no longer be afraid to speak about what she wants and about his reaction. You know what, I don't feel like cooking for 20 people this job is. Don't invite them over. If you want them over, you can cook for it. I'm gonna go hang out with my girlfriends. I love you. I believe in you, you can do it, but don't just assume, don't just assume that that's what my role is, because that's not my desire. I feel miserable. I have a horrible job as I don't want to do it. Or if she loves it, good for her, let her do it. Awesome. It's awesome, but it's women are so conditioned to not be loud, not speak up, not speak from their desires, not talk from their heart. So pillar number two is I walked them through how a woman can start to learn to do that, how a man needs to be consistent, disciplined, and curious consistently. Number three is boundaries. You have to be able to put up healthy boundaries with each other, 'cause you're gonna trigger each other. It's going to be triggering work. We're gonna say stuff that could be very painful to hear. Stuff she's been holding back for 10 years of marriage. He's gonna say stuff that he doesn't want to even bring up because he knows her reaction. Well, you have to put up boundaries to get to build the boundaries and slowly move, then move the goalposts on purpose. Right. A lot of therapy teaches you, yes, put up boundaries, put up boundaries. My work says you gotta put up boundaries, but someone's gonna lead those boundaries. Somebody, and I look at the man, hence men of integrity, to say, I'm not like if it was me talking in my wife, I'm very triggered right now. I'm not ready to finish this conversation. I feel very hurt about what you said. That's a boundary, healthy, good thing that I did, because a lot of people don't do that, and they keep going and they keep getting pissed off and they boil over and it becomes a fight. But you know what, Shayna? In one hour or tomorrow morning, I'm coming back after you. You don't have to pursue me. I will find you. I will make sure I find you. That's a healthy boundary in my book. And if she wants to put up a boundary, my wife says, you who know, you said something that really hurt me, it hurt my feelings, but you who know, I need you to fix this. I need you to be more curious about me and pursue me. I'm not gonna pursue you. You see the difference here? I'm telling the man to put up boundaries and honor boundaries, but he has to come and fix it. That's his job. Number four, like I said, is armor. Pillar number four is armor because men, I ask a lot of a man because I don't need to explain to you, Darra, that women are naturally inclined to do this type of work. It's not, it's not distant from them. They're ready for it. A lot of stuff, no one's perfect. Women aren't perfect. These wives aren't perfect, but they're ready to change. Men, they are stubborn. We are difficult, we are full of ourselves, and we need to be able to put on armor to handle new difficult things. So I teach them through self-confidence, self-love, self-care to armor up and be self-reliant, so you can be strong enough to handle this work. And then obviously, like I said, I teach her the women, learn to let him lead, learn to let him fail, stop micromanaging, stop picking him apart, speak to the hero and him learn to see his power. Yeah, that's the armor she takes off. So he puts on armor, she takes off armor. And number five is very simple, but the deepest for me personally, Misa Huikker, it's called massive action. I am very good at what I do, Darah. I am, but it doesn't matter. Unless you're doing it, the client, the person doing this work, you have to take action. You have to take action. Talk all day, be inspired by me. Great. Doesn't do anything. It won't help your marriage. You're going to help your marriage. So I teach them how to take massive action. So those are my five pillars that my whole entire program is based off of. Listen, it's fascinating. And do the feminists in America come after you? Like you get flack on your posts and on things from people saying, oh, it's not true, you know, because it's just every, I agree with what you're saying. And I think it's true because I can tell you, even though I'll tell you, I think I'm more in my masculine. I have always said I need a man who is stronger than me. Like I could do everything, but I don't want to do everything. There are things in my house. I will not change a light bulb. I will not. I wait for my son or my son and a lot of come over and change light bulbs. Like I would never take out the garbage, except that if I didn't, I'm only here with the daughters, the garbage would never get taken out. Like I'm sorry, I grew up. My brothers took out the garbage. I had to like help my mother cook. Like I just think taking out the garbage is a man's job. Like, so even though I do think that I'm someone who's like more in my masculine, I've always said I need a man who is like stronger than me. Like I'm only attracted to men who are very masculine. Yeah. I mean, to answer your question online, it's like, yeah, of course I've had comments and people say stuff and then I, I hit him with a little bit of logic and they go, wait, the most of the vast majority of my feedback is like, no one's talking about this. Thank you. That's mainly my feedback. And I kind of say a simple line and sometimes it changes, but it's overall this concept. Show me one woman on this planet, no matter where you come from, unless you're like really indoctrinated in this some full-on bullshit. But unless that, show me one woman on this planet who does not want to feel safe. Show me one. I challenge you. Show me one man on this planet who does not want to feel respected and admired. Show me one. So that's like when you show me that, you show me a society that operates outside of that, what she truly wants deep down to feel safe and held and protected. It doesn't matter from who. She, every woman biologically wants to feel that. They need to feel that. Look at the way our bodies work. A woman, and I'll use wild animals, a cow and the siren getty will stop giving birth if she senses a cheetah around. She will literally stop giving birth. She needs safety and relax energy in order to give life. Women, we're all animals. We need women need safety and reliability in order to thrive within their own energy matrix. 100%. That's a biological fact. Men release testosterone and are able to grow and protect if we feel admired and appreciated. So that's all I have to say, like the feminist or whatever. Like show me one woman on this planet who doesn't want to feel safe. I don't think so. That's really true. Do you see a difference in people or relationships from different societies or different areas or different? In other words, when I look in general, like in Israel, so because most of the men do the army and they're in combat units, so they, in my opinion, they tend to, at least when they first come out of the army, tend to have this more masculine, I think, but maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I don't know if you're even treating people over here. Like I'm wondering if you see a difference at all or you think that no people are just based on social media, based on society, based on. Um, we're all, I think when you boil down it, boil it down, it all is the same. Everybody in every society, this is more of an evolutionary biological issue, but I do have like a funny observation that I have noticed and I do have quite a few Israeli clients and people that I have helped and they're all over the spectrum of like where they land on their masculine feminine. But the funny thing about Israel, this is what cracks me up about Israel. And again, don't hate me. I love you. We're brothers and sisters. This is half of a joke, half of a stew observation in my wife's lap about. The men in Israel train to rip your throat out and they will protect and provide and save like their family, right? So that's very masculine, right? But they also, they also like go out and they have these fancy shirts and they pierce their ears and they do their hair for an hour and they go and they like dress with fancy clothes and like wear a cologne. That's very feminine. It's very feminine to be like into yourself and into like your looks and how you look. So it's a very funny, a stew, like the most masculine teddy bears, like care about what they look like all the time. I know that's just an observation of Israelis and just like that. Okay, so it's funny because those are not the Israelis that I know. Of course, there's all kinds. I know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very typical, you know, don't mess with the Zohan, like Israel is really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's all kinds of things. Yeah. And then the women, but you are right, but there is an element to that. I think especially in more probably again, no one come after me, but like the Tel Aviv area, the more Marca's area, like area where like it tends to be more, you know, people dress up to go out more and then the women, the women are funny too because you have these like beautiful feminine, dolled up, like beautiful, taking care of themselves in a very feminine way as really women, but they will rip your head off, you know, and like an argument and like they don't back down. They're very opinionated and speak from their desire. Don't hold back. They don't care about people pleasing. That's very feminine, but like it's done in a very masculine way. They do it like men. They do it very tough and rough. That's very masculine. So it's just, I don't know. That's just my observation. It's day two could have been combat soldiers. So yeah, I hear what you're saying. So it's very interesting. I honestly, I think a lot of it has to do just simply because they literally for generations have been growing up with people trying to kill them 24/7. So it does something to your energy matrix for obvious reasons. You have to have a lot of masculinity and counteract that with hyper femininity, hyper masculinity. So whatever, it's just an observation. It's kind of, to me, it's cute. No hate, no shade, nothing. Right. Right. No, definitely. Yeah. Do you think that social media has brought about a lot of these changes? Because a lot of what you're talking about almost sounds like back in the 50s, the typical household tended to be, I think, you know, the father went out to work, the mother stayed home. She took care of the kids. She cleaned the house. She did whatever. Like a more, more typical roles. And do you think it matters in today's world where you really need both parents working in order to financially get by and do you think social media has had an impact on some of this? Do I think social media has an impact on it? Sure. Yeah, of course. It's, I don't know, the whole nuclear family, like I don't want to get all into it. To me, it's on a conspiracy theory, but the whole concept of dual income and feminism and all these different things that were introduced for a business reason, for structure reason, to kind of double tax people and, you know, the taxes went up. The wages did not go up. You know, we used to, a man used to be able to work in a factory and support his whole entire family on half an acre of land in the four bedroom house. Just one job, some guy in a factory building cars, you know, it used to be like that. And then, you know, unfortunately, corporations got a hold of like, wait, we can be double taxing. Let's put this whole concept of everybody's the same. Everybody go out and work in double tax. And again, I'm not against women working. That has nothing to do with what I'm saying. But it has to do with what was forced upon us throughout a couple generations, you know, starting in the 40s and 50s. That's so interesting. And I personally like a good conspiracy theory, so I'm okay with anything anyways. But that's really interesting. And really, you can really back it up to what it used to be like versus what it is now. So the taxes and the salaries have stayed the same. But the workforce has doubled. So it's not good. You can see like you have to have you leave parents with nannies. I mean, sorry, we've kids with nannies. Both parents have to work. Those kids aren't being raised by one of the other parent. And it's just this trickle down effect of everything that's happening. There's a lot of data behind this. It's not just like it. I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but it's just economical facts. So, anyway, maybe that's why I think it's become a lot more feminine. Yeah, social media has contributed to this significantly because we're being fed consumerism. We're being fed like consume, consume, take, take, take. And that kind of distracts you from self-work that you need to be working on yourself, working on your relationship, working on self-improvement. And it kind of distracts us from kind of the inner work that we all have to do. So, yeah, hopefully that answers your question. Yeah, yeah, no, no, totally. And do you think, for example, I always used to make jokes that I could be a good mother from like one in the afternoon to six, like until my kids went to bed, but I couldn't stay home with them all day long. Like, I don't like to stay home. I was always the type, I was always really good at like taking them places, but I wasn't great at sitting home and sitting on the floor and playing. But I'm wondering if that has to do with society versus is that really who I am? Does that make sense? Does that make sense what I'm trying to say? Kind of. Like, is that me? Is that really my personality or is that because of this whole societal issue of saying, like, yeah, everybody has to work and you shouldn't want to, like, I know, like, I used to make jokes, like, oh, I hate children, like, I love my own. But I was so much better at like doing all the fun things with them, like taking them out, taking the places, taking them hiking, taking them, you know, I would get the car and drive to the north. But I wasn't great at like staying home and like doing puzzles on the floor. Like I could, that would hold my attention for all of six minutes or even doing homework. I'm like, I don't, I went to school already, you're homeworkshwers, like, you know, after about like second grade, it was like you either did your homework or you didn't do it with you. And I'm wondering if that's really me or is that more society? Um, sounds more of a you thing in the sense of also it's very feminine to want to go out and do things with your children because you're bonding with them in a deeper way. Homework and stuff like that is like working for the man. But, uh, it sounds like you really want to deep connections with your children. Oh, okay, good. I like that. Now listen, thank God I have amazing, four grown up, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing, like, really, Barakhash Shem, like, wonderful kids. So hopefully whatever it was I was doing with them, like impacted them in all of the good way because they got to have good, really good kids. But, and so do you think though that it would be better? Like what do you think first of all of like a, like not a man, but like the husband staying home and raising the kids and the wife working? Like do you think that that could still work in what you're saying where there could still be a relationship of the man being more and as masculine and the woman being more interfeminant if she's the one really supporting the family? No, not okay. I think it's literally impossible. And I don't say that because it's my opinion. Again, I based all of my stuff off of science. So the way I break it down is like this. When it comes to work in making money, a woman can work but shouldn't have to. I like that. So if I'm working, right, and making my living, I'm supporting my, like I do, my wife's retired. She doesn't have her after work again, right? I've made sure that I'm making sure that. So, but if she writes a book next year and it sells 10 million copies and she made 10 million dollars, she now just made tons more money than me. Now she has more money. Does that put her in her masculine? No. It just means that she has a resource that works and it's her passion. But if she's struggling to write her book and get it off the ground and I'm investing money and things are happening, is she happy? Is she interfeminine? Can she drop it? Am I relying on that book sales to survive? That's where resentment starts to happen. This is where polarity gets mixed up. When you have a couple where it's like the reliability is also on her to support and protect. So if the reliability is on the feminine to support and protect, biologically, there is no way she's going to be able to move out over free-pronthal cortex out of survival mode and into her femininity. It won't happen. And I didn't, that's not me saying that. I can show you neurologists who talk about that. So the way I break it down is like, yeah, women could work and even make more money than the husband. But because she wants to and she could turn it up tomorrow and he will, he's just as much as a leader. He'll handle it. No stress. I got you. You go, be with, do whatever you want. I got this. That's healthy polarity. That's like, you can have CEO, woman's best-selling authors. You could have anything she wants to do because she wants to, not because she has to. That's where people get mixed up and when I say no, because I've asked this, people have asked me the question a lot of what's the working situation out of it. Men and women work. Men are designed to slay dragons. We are physically capable of hunting a tiger better, faster, quicker. That's our job. Men are designed to nurture and bring that heart energy. Women are psychic. They have to bring this educational energy to the home and to their themselves. I didn't make that up. God made that. It's not how I designed it. I didn't design it. When you go against that, this is where your relationship gets all screwed up. This is where your neurology, neurology gets all screwed up. Horn mones get all screwed up. It really affects everything that you do. I look at it like this, it's taking me and my wife. My wife decided and she might actually do it. She might actually do it. She used to be and is sometimes probably a very successful coach for women. She decided to start a program and make a course and start seeing clients tomorrow. She's not doing it because she has to contribute financially. She's doing it because she wants to. I'm not relying on that extra income. If she goes three months in and she made $10 or a million dollars, she'd be like, "I'm done. I'm going to do my thing again and maybe I'll visit." That's the ultimate. I'm not pretending like that's easy. I'm not pretending like it's easy to get there. I've worked my ass off to get there. I can't imagine that any woman listening to this does not like the sound of what you're saying because it's almost like taking a big sigh of relief because we do live in this world where you really feel like if you don't have the two incomes or you want to be able to do things. I think what you're saying is that people also have either. People have to be willing to live with less or the man has to figure out what he's going to do to make more. That whatever the woman makes, she should do it because she loves doing it and not because she has to do it. Absolutely. I want to just change one small thing you said. They have to less or he has to figure it out. I get rid of that first one and I say he has to figure it out. A big part of my program for men is he needs to learn how to build an empire. That's a big switch and man needs to learn how to do it. I don't care. I don't care if you're in your 20s or your 50s. You can still build an empire. No problem. You just have to be able to have the mindset and the capability and the strength to be like, there's no reason you can't be a multimillionaire. Anyone? There's so many stupid people doing it. So you could do it. You could figure it out. Oh my gosh. Okay. First of all, I loved everything you said. I mean, I could talk to you forever but I know you've got a coach and client soon and I think that you know, I'm going to ask you, well, let me just ask you now. Where can people find you? I mean, what's the best place for people to find you? And if they don't have Instagram, where can they find you? If they don't have Instagram. I know. Shocking, right? Some people might not have Instagram. Believe it or not, a lot of people do not watch this on video. Most people actually listen through Spotify or Apple or a lot of people through the link I send them. So meaning there are people, there are people in the Yashiva world and the more religious world that actually don't have Instagram and don't have any social media. But I want them to have access to you as well because I think what you're saying is such important, incredible information. Yeah. You can visit my website which is go.men of integrity.life. Okay. Perfect. We'll link it. Go there. That's my website. But my Instagram, I have tens of thousands of followers and I'm posting there all the time. That's my main front page. I do all Instagram and Facebook for that matter. I will be launching a YouTube channel with my podcast and having guests like you on and not in the works. Amazing. I've been, I think I'd very busy to be able to do that. Now that my course is out and I'm doing group coaching and all these different things, I have a little bit more time to expand my empire. So I will be doing a YouTube channel soon with amazing. Amazing. I'm going to find me. So that's in the work. Perfect. I'm going to, anything you have for me, I will link in this episode as well. I just think that what you are talking about, like you said, this is not what you are hearing for most people. And I think that it is such incredible information. And I think for most women to hear this, it's like, a sigh of relief to feel like you don't have to do it all, you know. But like you said, it means that you have to let the other person try and fail and do things in their own way, and not micromanage the way they do the dishes, or I don't know, whatever other thing is that they're doing, you know. Because some of these small nuances that I walk people through, through my homework, through my program, it's like I teach men to take this lead to do it, and I teach women how to lay them. This is so incredible. Okay, so on another little bit of a, maybe a little bit of a difference, maybe it ties into what you talk about. What does spirituality mean to you? It's a very nuanced question, but when I boil it down because I genuinely am a person that's very brass-taxed, spirituality is the concept of growth. If somebody is not thriving and working on themselves, to me it's going to be very hard for them to be spiritual. So spirituality is a man or a woman who wants more, who is not settled with what they have, they want to keep striving and keep growing and keep moving forward. In learning Torah, learning about themselves, refine themselves, building better relationships, never be the smartest person in the room. You want to surround yourself with people that are doing better and growing because that connects to the infinite concept of Hashem, infinity, the ainself, the unity of God, which is infinite, and so connect yourself to that level of spirituality, which means you're never satisfied and you want more. So to me, that spirituality. That was really, really well-part. That was definitely not even similar to an answer anybody else has ever given, even though this is a question I ask every person sometimes you get, a lot of people talking about similar things, and I really love that. I love that idea because I feel like people should always be trying to grow in everything. In any person who thinks that they're done learning is not a person I want to be around. My father is my person, most by parents, but also my father because he's 80 years old, he's constantly learning new things every day, and I think that that idea of being open to growth and open even to change because I agree with you that we're never too old to change certain things, and I think that was really beautiful. Thank you so much. Thank you. I really have a blast. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Hey everyone. I am so excited to have my friend Barbara Heller here with me today. Barbara is the reason that I met Yhuda, and I just felt like she would be the perfect person to come on. She is someone who loves Torah, who is an extremely spiritual person, and I felt like she would be the perfect person to talk about what the Torah has to say about healthy relationships. If she wants to share a little bit about herself, she can do that as well. Sure. Thank you, Dara. It's really amazing to know you, and thank you for producing a couple of my shows in Israel while I was there last year. You really walk the talk of Torah, and for those of us who know what that means, you know what that means, and it's really, really rare. So thank you. Okay, so I grew up in a home, like probably many people who are listening to this podcast right now that had a lot of marital issues. What do I mean by that? My parents not only each came from marriages that were not 100% healthy and non-codependent. So meaning they all they knew was codependency, and then they projected that on to me and my sister. And there were some tendencies for domestic violence. I learned recently that I didn't come from a classically domestic violent home, but there were moments of domestic violence. So there's a very big difference. I'm getting my masters in family therapy right now. So this is crucial to my thesis in life and what I'm doing with my own narrative therapy. And what I loved about Yuhuda and why I introduced him to you is because you and I have to as soon as we met, we went very deep, and we talked immediately about relationships and male and female and polarity. And I didn't know what polarity meant. I thought it was just like yay Kanye West, like bipolar, no polarity is actually a thing that's really healthy in relationships for in my opinion heterosexual, managamous relationships where a male becomes masculine in a healthy, good way. And a woman becomes feminine in a feminine way. And why does this matter to me? Because I did write a show. The first one woman show that I wrote was actually it's a two-hander is me and a guy. It was about my life. So it felt like a one-woman show. He played 19 characters, including my dad and rabbis, and including my Aaron. And I played me in all stages of my life plus matchmakers and you know other women in my life. I just want to interject that I'd love to see that show. So you'll tell me later and if it's on YouTube we'll link it because I've only seen your other shows. So I have pieces of it on Instagram and YouTube. It's called Finding Barb and it was a one and a half hour show with an intermission which has original music and you can find the songs on Spotify. They're pretty funny. And I wrote the whole thing. My friend Avley, who's Israeli, wrote the most beautiful music behind it, but it was a full-length musical only toward and that was done about 12 years ago. So that was like my first entry and so like I can write a Broadway show and perform it in Broadway theaters and things like that. The second one was the one that you saw, Cosmic Conversations, and that was in six countries and Edinburgh and a little different. But they all touch on female male relationships in some way and what it means to have a Cosmic Conversation when you're married. For me is following Jacob. Jacob is one of my favorite characters in this whole right, Yacob. I was learning yesterday on Chavez and I was thinking, "What am I going to say on Darius' podcast?" And as look what have it, my new friend Mayor, who's married to a matchmaker here in South Florida. Her name is Surrey. She's an incredible matchmaker because she really loves people and she's very curious about people and she coaches people while she sets them up and she's not doing it for money, God forbid, she's like such a high-level person and her husband ironically came up with this beautiful statement and I basically, I'm giving Mayor all the credit. He's probably, I'm not going to say his last name because I don't think he wants to be known, but he's, because he's so humble but he's such a tongue of khama and I was like, "That's it!" And I felt like Olivia Ducaqas in Moonstruck, which I know was one of our favorite movies when she goes, "That's it! Thank you! Thank you for answering my question!" So he, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, when I was on my way to Shlom, my gosh, what am I going to say on Darius' podcast? And then it literally on Chavez lunch, this is what came up. So he said, "Most people today are looking for what makes them happy." Most people today are entering relationships saying, "What is going to make me happy?" I want this kind of look, I want this kind of personality, and we plan and God laughs, right? But aside from that, when you don't add God to the equation and you don't say, "What can I bring to the relationship?" What are my gifts that are going to perfectly align with someone else so that I can grow? Because I'm only getting married so I can grow and be a better vessel, a better cup for all the goodness Hashem wants to give me. And when it's too full, as Robyni says, you start over again, you don't just say, "Oh, give me more, give me more!" You say, "Wait, let me, let me have, let me deal with what I have, and then I'll disseminate it, and I'll continue." That is our whole job, is to be a vessel, a cleavage of Hashem. And he said, "Most guy, because I was complaining a little bit as I sometimes do on Shrubat, and then I'll catch myself and say, "So this is what I learned this week from dating." And I always say, "My sister says, "What do you imagine for this week? Are you going to be a match for your perfect aligned partner that you can grow with? Are you just going to catch and say, "Oh, he didn't have this, and he didn't have this, and he didn't have this." Like, "How are we dating? How are we?" And I know that the reason I haven't met my person is, because I'm still growing. I'm not one of these people who's like, "Well, it's all the guys' fault." And they all say, "No, like obviously there's something I have to still get, or maybe, sometimes I pray for my partner that he'll get out of his bad marriage, God forbid, if he's in one." Or, you know, "Who knows? Maybe in this lifetime, I'm not so good." I don't know. I don't know, as Danny Cohen would say. I just don't know. What do we know? We don't know, Barbara. Barbara, we don't know. I love him. We both have a fluff or Danny Cohen, though. Yes, we do. Unless you know. I tell you a lot of people listening. Yes. Oh my God, I'm obsessed with him. He's the cutest, sweetest brother I've ever had. Okay. He is. His mom should be well. Okay. So he says, "Yakov had the right attitude." So what did what did Yakov do? If you remember in the stories, Yakov went and met Rahul in the field. And as soon as he met her, this book reads, the Torah reads like the best romcom or romantic dramedy, I should say, that you ever heard in your life. Right? Rebecca falls off the camel and she needs to get some. I love you. I'm gonna fall off again. But before that, or no, after. we have Yakuove who sees this woman Ruhl in the field and he starts crying and he runs up to her and like he's not sure I'm gonna get it kisses her like not not cool Yakuove like follow the word drop in on was in the thing yet we didn't have 600 or 13 minutes so apparently they like lived them so like what's going on over here I suddenly can't just want to say what's going on over here in Israel but like really like what's going on in his name became Israel Israel God forbid I should quote Candace and went I'm just having fun you know you know I'm gonna go into impressions but he goes up to her and he kisses her and cries and it's like all this magical moment and then he meets her father who's really his uncle Levan and he's like how do I get her how how can I marry your daughter he's like oh my gosh flesh is my my flesh you're a part of my family this is in part so V8 by 8 say by the way in case you're following along in the script of Hashem's major screenplay in the first book and in Braisheet my favorite book and he then Levan says to Jacob to Yakuove just because you're my relative should you serve me nothing which is such an ill thing to say to somebody so we start to say don't that on his red flags and he should have been like dang my future father-in-law has got some issues and then he's like what are your wages right Levan says to Yakuove Yaku's like money wait what am I supposed to do here so eventually Levan says you can have my daughter Ruhl but you're gonna have to work for me for seven years he's like dang that's a long time but besides the fact we're not even gonna get into the fact that Yaku that Levan was so cruel that he switched Rahal and Leah and if you know the story not to give too much away of act two like you know in case no one here knows the story okay no what okay I base our kestik no I'm sure you want to be know the story of Levan if you were like me twenty-three years ago reading the book there was Yakuove and Elvan that is some there are might be some people that are like who you're talking about who's Jacob so there's this guy named Jacob one of our four fathers all monotheists four fathers whether you're Christian Jewish Muslim almost the same family everyone's a little bit Jewish which is a song I wrote and we all from you know it very well it was in your house I do exactly so you know we all come from these people these crazy wonderful amazing horrific stories and Levan this fatherless as to his future son-in-law Yakuove you can marry my daughter Rahal be here not to work for her for seven years so the point that I wanted to get to which is based on what mayor says is Jacob loved Rachel so he said let me see if I can do Yakuove's voice I will work for you for seven years I'm trying to do the karate kid because I consider Yakuove to be Ralph Mace when I have actually a sheer on it on my page if you're interested Yakuove and Yakuove and Asav were on my mind because I was learning so much so at the time this is like many years ago and I watch the movie that I always watch when I'm sick which is the karate kid do you have a movie that you watch when you're sick that's no no and it's having a flu whatever is pre-COVID pre-sympoms and I'm sitting there and I go oh my god Yakuove and Asav are basically Daniel son and Johnny from the karate kid and I have seven instances because everything seven and you can see it on my YouTube channel anyway so so he says to his future father like I will work for you for seven years I'll sand your floor I'll paint your fence I'll water you know this is if these are references from the karate kid for for Rahal your younger daughter and he's very specific his fatherless gruesome in the end but that's okay but he works for her and here's the part I want you to notice so Yakuove works for him for seven years but it says so Yakuove worked for seven years for Rahal and they seem to him a few days because of his love for her this is derites that this is directly from the Torah and let me see if I can read the Hebrew so that you think I'm cool because I'm really for all your Israelis are like no I'm a bit old do it in your way I don't know okay so he says we have a via a bed Yakuove brahal Sheva Shanim veye heu ve a nav a nav ka amim so I guess that means it seemed like a few days since him because it was love for her so why sorry for my Hebrew it's very remedial I know it's very good 26 years old thanks to Rabbi Fisher from Idresha Raqel Zaliyu baby get a little hay like in this devatoora that's taking me a year to say but you love it right because you're you do love it it's going so happy Nobody's ever entertained me this much in a Dervartiro this is it's not a well I have very controlled ADHD so I can do a lot of cool things with it but I will go on tanger's and then come back so we're back I like it it's okay I find this very entertaining I'm so glad I hope somebody does so the point is everybody you ready spaghetti that's my Rabbi sure and it's not sure and brother lives in a frat anyway so he's you know I went through bedresha Raqel also right no okay we'll talk about that another time so we don't talk to you later yeah anyway of course with sisters when Finston would say she's my my favorites from bedresha I hope she doesn't work there anymore Nashworks is charame she would say in her wonderful Cindy love her voice because she's from Brooklyn that it's because Yakov loves her so much all right I'll stop he loves her so much that it didn't seem like an arduous task so then I said no and I I argued with mayor at the table I said but I thought when you actually want something and you're yearning for something it takes a long time he goes no no no not in the way of the Torah when you love Hashem and you're doing something just because you love Hashem and this is apparently how we're supposed to approach every mitzvah because the mitzvah of eating kosher all of the all 613 it's not to get points it's not to get a reward coupon so you can go to bedbath and beyond it that's not a thing anymore but you know I'm saying like you don't get extra reward points for doing them I mean maybe you do who knows but you do it because you're literally picking up the phone and you're getting to call Hashem you know when like some of us went away to sleep with camp like I went to sleep with camp my parents annoyed me so much but when I went to sleep with camp I couldn't wait for Sunday mornings and I would just call them and like feel a little bit like I was home even though I had a difficult home life there was something special about waiting for that Sunday morning because it was my first time away I was 14 years old I went to camp very late in life but it was not too late theater camp and I remember that feeling of like this is a good feeling like I'm connecting to someone and it was a pay phone this is like back in the 1900s in the 80s we would put coins in a phone or use a calling card remember those calling cards yeah and you call someone and that's Rabbi Aaron in the old city he always says the mitzvahs are not to get points or rewards or prizes their mitzvahs are just to connect to Hashem it's enough that's enough if you really know what it is to really connect to Hashem our father who loves us so so much our parent whatever you want to call it mother father both so what I loved about what Mayor was bringing out is because he loved Rechaul so much and he knew that the work was for her here the difference or her not for him it was like I did to do it and it took like no time now the fact that it took another seven years okay but then we also have the parallel with another Rechaul who told Akiva Rabbi Akiva the same thing a kev again Akiva Yakov love that many thousands of years later we have this Rabbi Akiva the greatest Rabbi of our generation not ours but many generations ago let who met a woman in Rechaul and he was 40 and she's like you need to go and learn if you want me so he went for seven years he came back knocks on the door and he's like I'm done I did it and she goes you need another seven and he did and then they were married but that's a great story also and it's true so why am I bringing all this up because I get set up all the time thank God with great guys sometimes not so great guys one thing I need to see that's a trend for both men and women but especially the men that I get set up with is there's no more beauty in commitment people don't honor their commitments anymore what do I mean by that for instance someone set me up with this guy this week I got set up three times this week it always like comes in three and then I don't hear from someone for like six weeks and then it happens again and I'm always grateful thank you for sure for this great opportunity if it's not for me all of a sudden I'm up with somebody else and I've set up a lot of marriages that way and thank God well yeah I'm here because I always try to think of someone in fact that's why I have a podcast because Rabbi Aaron said to me he doesn't mind if I tell the story he's like you've served my kind your sister has a super amazing podcast of top-time podcast you're so good at talking I said oh thanks for what should it be about he goes I don't know relationships you're the only person that ever calls me and says can you check on the guy I broke up with him make sure he's okay he goes nobody does that you should have a podcast about that so my podcast is about forgiveness it's called see one beautiful soul but why do I take relationships So seriously is because it seems to me the one thing I feel like I have a doctorate in in life is when people just cancel you. They like leave you. On the side of the road, no, I don't talk to them anymore. Why not? They said something that pissed me off. What? So you didn't tell them? Hey, that kind of hurt my feelings or maybe you didn't mean to, but this is what I got from that. No, not worth it. They're not worth having a conversation. I say that a lot in my show, remember? I say this person is some people are not worth having a conversation with. I don't believe that. I think agree with you. Even Byron Katie, well that's why we connected so well. You know, Byron Katie is one of my favorites. She always says, you should be able, sweet darlings. You should be able to have a conversation with anyone, even a terrorist at any time, and any time, any person. And she's a little, whoop, whoop, whoop. But I mean, she's like, if I'm here, she's like here, but I really try to live in her space because like, Rebotson Young Rice, that's all, there's this feeling you get when you talk to her where there's like anything's possible, anything's possible with her. So what does this have to do with Yakuof and why is it taking me so long? I'm unpacking all this because the guys that I get set up with, they don't value my time, they don't value their time. Not all of them, but recently it's like, you know, I tried you, but I got stuff to do at work. I'm just so overwhelmed. I hear all these excuses about how they just can't meet with me or they just can't call me. Why? If it's something like you would say, if you value this woman, if you knew that this person was going to change your life, if you knew that the person you just got set up with could potentially set you up with your partner for life or could be your partner and she, the relationship with them would change you in such magnificent ways. My orders would you wait one more second? You have for November. Why are you sitting there? Why aren't you picking up the phone? Why aren't you saying you know what? I have a really packed day today, but I know I have five minutes to pee at 7 pm. So I'm going to pee at 7, but it's 7. You're going to say that. Yeah. But it's 7.05 from 7.05 to 7.15. I would love to have a five minute conversation with you. We'll see if there's a five and then we'll go out. Period end of story. Right. Yakuof was that kind of guy because he knew who he was. He came from Avraham, Yusak, right? He knew the deep down. There was something so holy inside of him that he needed to disseminate, not to be gross, but like there was something that he needed to make like the stars of the sky. And we have lost because of all the divorce and all the Mimi, Mimi and the disposable plates. We have lost our ability to value the people in front of us, the person who's right outside while you're having an issue. It's okay. No, it's just an awarding. We're good. Okay. So please, God, all of the clients for L should be safe at all times. Mashiach should come now. We shouldn't have any more bombing warnings at all. Please say amen. And our enemies should be swallowed up like Korach in the earth without us having to do anything. Wasting resources. God forbid, just make it very easy. Please, God. And my father's Nishama Shabana, Liga, Penjas Ezra, Koyin, Ben, Shamanakoyin, based on this Torah. My dad really did value his third wife and they lived together for 20 years. Well. You know, they were very devoted to each other. And I got to see my dad really do for someone else, what he necessarily probably couldn't do for my mom even though he tried. And why am I, what's the point of all this? Our relationships could be built on what's in it for me or they could be based on what Yakuofs saying, what can I do for them? And when you're living a Torah relationship, it's a hundred, each person gives 100% 100% for 100% not 50/50. And I think that's really missing in our life and times today. And I'll just end with this. So in my program right now, I had this special teacher come in, it's like a specialist, to talk about polyamory. Now, you could say, well, why are you against polyamory? Wasn't Jacob Yakuofa polyamorous? Not at all. The Yakuof had four wives, but the whole purpose of him having the four wives according to our Mfarsha, our sages, is because he knew that he needed to populate the world with more Jews, more Yisrael and more of Bane Yisrael, Bane Yakuof. And he probably didn't want to have four wives. He probably just wanted to have Rukhul, but he was sort of forced into the relationship with Leia. And we know from our sages that very, pretty shortly after this happened, we had a Gazeera offense put around marriage where you can only marry one person at a time and it's still San Sei. I don't know really any Jews that are married to more than one person at a time. And even though recently, supposedly that Gazeera was lifted, I don't know if you knew this after a thousand years was supposed to go away. I did not know that. It's not, it's not, no rabbis have said, oh yeah, that's cool. Well, we'll just do that. No, not at all. And the reason is because it's a very, you can learn Torah for five minutes with the right rabbi and get the, have the idea that the whole point of getting married is to have a better relationship with God with each other and then with yourself. So why is that? Because our job here on earth, like I said, is to build a vessel that's strong to collect miracles, blessings, give out miracles of blessings as much as we can. And then we go up again to heaven and we come back down. And our whole job here is not to just give me, give me, give me, have fun, like everything capitalism says, have fun, get the most out of it, step on people on the ladder up. No, no, no, no, no. Judeo Christian values is kind of the opposite of that. It's like how many people could you possibly give to before you pass away? How much could you make a, you know, rubbed, then you would say like, what are you, is ridiculous? Life is so amazing. What are you going to do with it? Like you're given life? I know you know who he is because he lives in your neighbor. Yeah. A lot of people listen to him. Yeah, yeah, you're giving, you're giving five minutes, you're five minutes free. Rebini would do like 17 things in that five minutes, right? That's when he taught me when I was 24. I was like, I couldn't not hear that anymore. Like my whole life was changed when I learned that. The prism. And then Rubber Aaron, that's just so good about them teaching together. Rubber Aaron taught me, Hashem loves you. Hashem just wants to love you. His love for you is never going to change. It's always going to be the same. It's unconditional. I was like, really? I don't have to do to get love for him. No. But it's good if you want to connect to him further on a higher level and receive more to do the best that you can and to give the most that you can to whatever the commandments are. Like as much as you can in the most loving, giving way and like connected way. Oh, so then I couldn't unsee that. So my life was changed forever. It's actually been exactly 25 years. I just passed. I was 24 when I met them and I just passed the 24 year mark. So I have like, you know, finally a ball shoot, I guess. So yeah, so that's basically what I wanted to say. I think commitment is the most extraordinary golden ticket that people overlook all the time. I once heard that Tars Mishbhaha, the blessings of family purity of like a woman going to the McFun and not touching her husband. And having to be shown right again and have him, you know, fond over her with all the other languages of love with kind words with acts of chast said with, you know, gifts, even just spending time together like all of those things, you know, just getting the relationship even more to a higher place. Like these, these are the things that that we are, we are commanded to do and it's, it's literally like a gold mine that people walk over all the time. And they don't even realize that it can literally make or break a relationship. So may we continue all of us who are single out there and even the married people continue to really value our commitments in all of our relationships, but especially with those who we want to have romantic love with. And please God be more like Rahul Al-Layah and Yagof. Thank you so much. Not only did you do a wonderful job giving over Torah, you did it in the most entertaining of fashions and I think that everybody is really going to appreciate that. And I just want to tell you that I do agree that for me, even as somebody who's divorced, it was almost hard for me to get divorced and I spoke to a Rebetson about it because I also felt like am I being selfish? Am I caring more about myself? What about my kids? This is someone who's a good person. He doesn't beat me. He's a provider, you know, and it wasn't always easy. You know, you could break her. Yeah. And ultimately it was, like it was okay. Like we really, we were meant to be together to have amazing kids and he's a wonderful person, but we really ultimately for the rest of our lives. I don't think we were right for each other. But I do agree with you that I think that this world is really about me, me, me, me, me. What's good for me in the minute? It's not good for me. You know, people are turning things off and all of that. So yeah. So thank you so, so much. This was really, really great. You're welcome. Have a great week. Enjoy the rest of it, Ar. You too. This podcast is for informational purposes only. Please seek guidance from a trusted healthcare professional. By listening to this podcast, you release Holy Health and all of its guests from all liability. I'd like to thank you. Here, Abelow for editing this podcast.