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Speaker 2Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode three, and today we are talking about anxiety. What is it? How do we recognize if our children are struggling with it, and what can we do to help? Now, when I was preparing for this podcast, I realized there was just way too much to cover in one episode. So the way we're going to do it is that I'm going to cover it actually across three different episodes. Today, we're going to talk very much around what anxiety is and how you might know that your child is struggling with anxiety. And we're also going to talk about what we can start doing now to help. And then in the next two episodes, we're going to dive deeper in terms of very specific strategies that you can then add on to help and support your children. I want to sort of avoid overwhelm. And really, it's about taking some simple, small steps now, and then building on those. So for some context, the latest data, and I think the data was released in 2020, suggests that one in six children has a probable mental health challenge. So in a typical state school, where there are 30 children in a class, that's five children in each school. Each and every class, in each and every school, aged between reception and all the way up to year six, no, year 11, that are struggling with their mental health. Now, all of that isn't necessarily going to be anxiety. These are probable mental health challenges. But understanding the basic principles around mental health are key if we're going to turn the tide on this pretty scary epidemic. And it absolutely starts young. Helping our children understand their emotions and talking about well-being is something that we should be talking about with our children from the moment they're able to communicate. Because we talk about their physical well-being, their physical health. We talk about them making sure that they exercise and that they sleep and that they eat well. And we should be doing exactly the same when it comes to their mental health. So let's start talking about anxiety just generally. So anxiety is a mental health challenge which affects every child, I think, at some point in their life. What I want to stress, really, in terms of how we're going to talk about anxiety in this episode of the podcast, is I'm not looking necessarily at anxiety disorders. By anxiety disorders, we mean anxiety which has been recognised and diagnosed as a disorder that your child is currently experiencing. My view when we're talking about anxiety disorders is that anxiety disorders are not really about anxiety. It's really looking at it, not from a basis of, is my child being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or not, but simply looking at anxiety from the perspective of something that is going to affect your child at some point. Because anxiety is, at its real base level, a stress response. So I'm not trying to diminish or make light of what anxiety is, but I want to talk about it in such a way that every parent can understand it. Every parent can access the content of this podcast and use it, whether their child is being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or not, because all our children are going to experience some level of anxiety and worry at some point. So let me sort of, the easiest way that I can explain wellbeing, anxiety, overwhelmed stress, so that we've got some context to it as parents, is to imagine a wellbeing. So if we imagine a seesaw, you know, it's got a little pivot in the middle and it tips and turns depending on how much weight you put on each side. When your child is in a situation which they feel really confident and really happy in, their seesaw, their wellbeing seesaw is in balance. On one side of the seesaw, what they perceive are the demands being placed on them by that situation are matched equally and balanced by what they think is the situation. What they perceive are the resources they have within themselves to manage that particular situation. So we've got a lovely, equally balanced seesaw. When our children are in a situation where they feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious, they're worrying, what happens is their wellbeing seesaw tips and what they perceive are the demands being placed on them by that situation far outweigh any perceived resources they have. What they perceive are the demands being placed on them by that situation far outweigh any perceived resources they have. And you'll be able to see the wellbeing seesaw in there so that you can get a real visual that marries with the kind of commentary that I'm giving you here. And what you should have noticed, which I really emphasised a few times, is this idea of perception. And this is what I want to kind of really hone in on in this video. In this particular episode, and very much as your give to take away and things that you can be working on. In any given situation of overwhelm, stress, or anxiety, it doesn't matter what you think, what I think, what your children's teachers think, or anyone else. It's how your child perceives and views that situation that matters. Because that's where the gap and the discrepancy happens with their wellbeing seesaw. And I say this because I've worked with families where we've had children that have been perfectly happy, for example, to stand on stage and perform, whether that be a musical instrument or a drama production, in front of hundreds of people and have not felt overwhelmed in any shape or form by that. And yet they've struggled maybe with separation anxiety in terms of going into school and being away from parents, or they've struggled by putting their hand up. And answering a question at school. So it doesn't matter whether when we're looking at things that our children do, when we can't make any sense of it, we sort of think, but you're happy to stand in front of hundreds of people and perform in a way that for most people, they would be utterly overwhelmed. And yet in another situation, which is far less stressful from our perspective, how we see the situation, but it doesn't matter. We have to think about it. From the perception of our child. So when we imagine this seesaw, let's look at both sides in a little bit more detail. When we talk about the perceived demands, this is really the kind of the internal dialogue, the internal chatter, the conversation that your child has with themselves in their own mind, in their own head. This is the narrative that says, I'm not clever enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not fast enough. I'm not sporty enough. I'm not fast enough. I'm not funny enough. So that's the internal dialogue that says, in this situation, I can't possibly cope. It's too overwhelming for me. If I make a mistake, people will laugh. Everyone's looking at me and they're making a judgment of me. They're thinking I'm not very good. Whatever that internal dialogue is, that is part of what we talk about our children's perceived demands. This situation requires this from me, and this is my internal narrative, which says I cannot manage it. So that's the one side of the seesaw. And that's the side that when our children are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, that's what weighs heavily on that side. What we then have on the other side of the seesaw is this idea about what our children perceive are their resources, really what's in their toolkit to help them manage those situations. And if we think about a situation that might stress us out, it is how does that particular situations show up for us in our bodies. So when we're talking about the wellbeing seesaw for children, it is exactly the same for us. You think about it as an adult. What are the things that make you feel overwhelmed, stressed out, unable to cope, anxious, worried? And what happens in those situations are the perceived resources are what shows up in your body. So if you are in a situation, imagine your worst case scenario, the situation that makes you feel the most stressed, the most overwhelmed, the most difficult to manage situation. And where does that show up in your body? Now, I've very publicly talked about the idea that I really struggle with heights and particularly for me, where my sort of anxiety and worry about heights tends to show up most is over bridges. Very strange, but this is my kind of nemesis. And so when I walk over bridges or when I drive over bridges, this is where I tend to notice it. And actually the irony is the first time I realised this was when I was in year seven. So the first year of secondary school, I used to cycle to school. And one particular day I decided that I was going to cycle home a slightly different way. And the path that I took meant that I had to go over, I think you call them like a flyover. It's where you basically walk over a dual carriageway. So I was walking over this flyover, wheeling my bike. And I think I must've got maybe a quarter of the way across and I utterly froze. I couldn't walk any further. The anxiety and the overwhelm and the fear was so immense that I stayed there completely and utterly paralysed until a really lovely passerby came.
Speaker 1Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com. Well, from my perspective, it felt like a lifetime. It probably wasn't.
Speaker 2They could see how upset I was and they helped me by basically walking and talking and distracting me as I walked across. Whatever reasons, for me, this idea about walking over the bridges, and particularly where I perceive, again, it's about perception, I perceive it to be very open, is that I have a real fear of falling off. So from my perspective, the way that this shows up is my internal dialogue, whether I'm walking over a bridge or driving over a bridge, is having to walk directly in the middle, avoid the edges, because I have a fear that I am going to fall off. It's irrational, because again, it's my perception. It doesn't matter whether it's true or whether it isn't true. That's the experience for me. And I want you to understand that that's exactly the same when we're talking about that seesaw in terms of the experience for your children. And when we talk about resources, it's understanding how does that situation show up in our bodies. So for me, in that particular situation, and just think about it for yourself as an adult, because our children will experience similar things. It tends to show up for me in that I get sweaty palms, my hands get really, really sweaty, my heart beats really, really much faster than it would ordinarily. And I get what I call jelly legs. So my legs are shaking. So this is how it shows up for me. So when we're looking at my wellbeing seesaw, and as it tips, the perceived demands are this overwhelming dialogue that I'm going to fall off. Unless I walk in the middle, and that there's that fear. And the resources are that I don't have any resources or equipment in that moment to deal with my sweaty palms, my heart beating faster and my jelly legs. And so this is the way that we need to start thinking when our child is in a situation where they feel overwhelmed, where they feel that they cannot cope with a particular situation, where they feel anxious. So it's understanding when we're talking about emotional wellbeing, whether it's we're talking about anxiety, or whether we're talking about overwhelm or stress, that these are the two components. So when we're looking to support our children, we need to be addressing both sides of that seesaw. And what we'll do in this in the next two series of episodes, looking specifically at this, we will address one that will specifically look at the demands and helping with some strategies for that. And one that specifically looks at resources. And helps you with those particular strategies. And when we talk about cognitive behavioural therapy, CBT, the typical kind of therapy that would be used to support an adult or a child that's struggling with anxiety, the cognitive aspect is helping the child or the adult manage the internal dialogue and changing that narrative. And the behavioural part is about teaching strategies which help manage. The physiological response, because stress, anxiety and worry simply triggers our sympathetic nervous system, our fight or flight or freeze instinct, that basically is like an alarm that goes off and says, I'm in danger, I'm in a situation that I feel threat and fear. And actually, what then happens is once we've had that thought, is it then triggers that it's like a domino effect, triggers that sympathetic nervous system. And we'll look at those in more detail in the episodes to come. But from this episode, I really want you to take away this idea of the seesaw, because it helps us frame the challenges that our children have. It also helps us understand things from our children's perspective so that we understand how it shows up. And actually, what we can then do is be much more supportive of our children, because it's not about what we think our children are perfectly capable of doing. It's how our child feels in that given moment. So I'm hoping that that explains anxiety and that sort of seesaw. But let's look at a couple of things. I want to look at what are the common signs. How do you know that your child might be feeling overwhelmed, might be feeling anxious? And for me, there are two core components that tend to show up. These tend to be the main ones. But I'll talk about some other ones as well. So the first one will be a child who finds it difficult to fall asleep at night. This is the child that's in and out of their bedroom. They're too hot, they're too cold, they're hungry, they're thirsty, they forgot to tell you one more thing, or they needed to pack something else in their bag. It's this difficulty falling asleep. And this may also be the child that needs you to stay in the room with them until they fall asleep. And the reason why this is such a common sign for anxiety, worry and overwhelm is that day to day when our children and us as adults, if we're looking at recognising these anxieties, even in ourselves, is that we're so busy doing and busy that in a lot of ways, the internal dialogue, that narrative, that inner conversation is very much quietened because we're busy, we're distracted and we're doing. What tends to happen is when it's time to go to sleep is we can no longer distract ourselves. We are no longer busy, but we are alone in our room, in our bed with our thoughts. And that's where the narrative tends to come in. So whether we've got a child who might be worrying about going to school the next day, or whether it's a child who's replaying a conversation that they've had with a friend where they feel that they wish they'd said something else, or they're ruminating about things that have happened, or they're anticipatory worrying about something that's yet to come. That's why it tends to show up, particularly at night. So a key one for me is a child that's struggling to fall asleep at night. And then the other one that is common is a child who often complains of tummy ache. That's a real classic one. And certainly for younger children, it tends to show up in their, they tend to notice it in their tummy. So they'll say that they're feeling unwell or they're feeling sick. So complaints of tummy ache are another one. There are other ones. Areas about, you might have a child that might be particularly trying to control routine. things and trying to make sure that things happen in a particular way or you might have a child where you're seeing big changes in their mood difficulties in concentration so it's a combination of those but for me the top two are struggling to fall asleep at night and complaining of a tummy ache so those are the kind of the key things i want you to be able to take away from this particular podcast and i want to talk now about what do i want you to be able to come away from this podcast to be able to start doing and and it really is it's helping your child begin to build their own toolkit i talk about toolkits all of the time because actually toolkits are empowering it's about having a set of tools and strategies that your children can go to and that you can go to as a family whenever you need some extra support in that time so for this podcast skiv i want you to look at and it will be if you go to the show notes you'll get the web link so that you can access this particular tool is i want you to begin to have a conversation with your child or children if you've got more than one that's experiencing these particular challenges and actually start talking to them about where exactly do these worries do these overwhelm does this stress show up in their body so the resource that you'll find in the show notes is very much around an outline of a body and really what i want you to do is have a discussion with your child and get them to put either post-it notes or crosses in the various parts of the body that they feel these emotions show up so going back to my analogy and the idea about my sweaty palms it would show up in my hands it would show up in my legs and it would show up in my my legs for my jelly legs and in my heart for beating faster and certainly try and model that for your children so talk about situations that you feel overwhelmed that you find difficult and challenging and where does that stress and that overwhelm show up for you and then ask your children to do the same for themselves because part of it is just acknowledging where these things show up and then what we'll do in the next two episodes is we'll build on this and we will start to look specifically at okay what strategies now that our children know where this is showing up and we're acknowledging where this is showing up and we're acknowledging where that it's from their perception of how that situation feels rather than ours what can we now start filling their toolkit with that helps them make the demands of that situation feel lighter as well as weighing down on the resources so they feel that they've got some specific strategies that they can use to help manage all of that overwhelm in their body so i really hope that you found this really useful in terms of placing a context of what angst is and what you think about it and i'll see you in the next episode anxiety is and how it shows up for your children and seeing it from that perspective if you would like the free guide if you'd like the resources then check out the show notes for the web link and as usual and finally if you've enjoyed this episode i'd love it if you could subscribe and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time you
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