Answering our most asked questions

- What is your secret to a good sex life? - Well, first of all, do you think that we have a good one? (laughing) - Yeah, I was able to. - Moms tend to breathe immediately. I certainly did that. And then now, as I'm getting on my feet again, I feel like it's starting to hit you more and more in waves. - Will you be sharing the genetic condition that baby girl had? Will you share the name of your sweet angel? Are you going to try for another baby? (upbeat music) - Before we get started, I just wanted to thank all of you guys for all the kind DMs, messages, comments. You all have surrounded us with so much love. We really feel it. It's been beautiful, to be honest. And I just wanted to thank you guys. I honestly have just been blown away by how kind people are. - Truly just feels so humbled by everyone's love and support and kindness. And nothing makes going through this any lighter, but it helps you grieve with hope. - We've had a lot of really dark conversations and topics on our podcast recently. And today we're doing a Q&A. You guys set a lot of questions on our Instagram account and a lot of questions about miscarriage and what we're going through right now. So we will get to those. But I wanted to start on more of a positive note. - That's a good idea. - We have four different topics we'll be talking about today that we answered questions on. The first is family. The second is relationships. The third is random. So you guys asked us one of your random questions. And then the fourth will be miscarriage. So for the first topic of family and parenting, we got, are we doing a family Halloween costume this year? (laughing) - I don't see us getting organized. - What? - Come on, we got to, we do too. - If we do, it'll be like the week of, we Amazon Prime Ship something. - Can we be the Avengers? The boys would love it. - Oh my gosh, I just ordered a costume for the boys. - They're obsessed with clothes. - That is not the Avengers. - They're obsessed with Hulk and Spider-Man. If I think Griffin could be the Hulk, Augie could be Spider-Man. I'll be Captain America and you can be Black Widow. You would look super hot in a Black Widow costume. - Okay, so here's the thing about kids, especially little kids like the kids are age. When you ask them what they wanna be for Halloween, you're gonna get a different answer every single time. And you have to constantly remind them, but you said this. So our friends actually recorded their child. (laughing) So they have video evidence. - Yeah, I didn't know our friends did that. - Yeah, they're like, "What do you wanna be?" And then they got a video evidence. 'Cause the next day she's like, "No, I don't wanna be that. I wanna be saying this." They're like, "What you say?" - Yeah. - So that's the age. - Oh my gosh. - They're like, they show it. They're like, "This is what you said. We have proof." They literally showed her the receipts. - Are friends that did this how old's their kid? - Three. - Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Well, the tricky part is for our two year old, if you ask them, Augie, do you like Spider-Man or Hulk more? He goes Hulk. He likes Hulk more or Spidey more, Spidey. It's whatever you're saying last. - Yes, so yeah, anyway. - But I think this is reality. Matt is saying that we're gonna do this big, elaborate, family costume. Really, we've never actually quite gotten ourselves organized enough for that. It's a great idea. But what I think will realistically happen is, our son, Augie got a Spidey costume for his second birthday that he will never take off. And he's constantly wearing it. So he's probably gonna end up wearing that. And then, our oldest has been saying, every time we ask him what he wants to be, he always has slinky dogs. - Yeah, what's up with slinky dogs? That's so random. - He's been consistently saying that recently. So I ordered them a slinky dog costume. Unfortunately, if someone can find a single slinky dog costume, let me know, because every time I see a slinky dog costume-- - It's because two people. - It's a head and a buttoned with the coils in between. - Yeah. - And so I think Augie's going to be slinky dog-- in the back. - His butt. - It's gonna be the booty. - Plus Spidey, like in his hiding costume. - I want to see you in a black widow costume all night. You'd look so good. - You're not going-- - Why would you not wear a black widow? - Door to door in a black widow costume. - You look so good. - With the most slinky dog walking around with that costume. - So confusing. - Okay, wait, no, that makes sense. Yeah, if our kids are no longer wearing their Avengers costumes, then we can take ours off. Okay, was it as stressful as you thought it would be to have two under two? - Very much so. (laughing) - Yeah, I would say like that season was so crazy, but boy was it worth it because now our boys are basically twins. Like they do everything together. They laugh together. They tackle each other and have wrestling matches in the living room. They are best friends. And it is so much fun to see their relationship grow. I love like walking away. And then I just hear this like tickle fight going on and everyone's laughing and they just, they mesh so well together. And I wouldn't do it any other way. It once makes me want to do two under two again. Like seriously, it actually makes me want to do it. 'Cause you know like, okay, yes, it's hell for a year. But then you get through that year and your kids are, they have a built in best friend. And they're home. - It gets hell for a year. But I mean, it is, it is a tough thing to do. One of our friends had twins and was like, and she also, actually she was on this podcast. Carol Lowry was on this podcast. She had two under two and she also had twins. She said two under two was harder. - Yeah, I don't know if everyone that has twins would agree with that. - That's true, that's just her opinion. - But it was, it was a challenging season for sure. And I think the hardest part about two under two is if they're on different nap schedules, you will be nap trapped for the whole day. - Yeah. - And if your kids are anything like our kids getting outside of the house is like a key part of like keeping them happy, entertained, getting their energy out. So navigating that and you're constantly having to change your rhythm too when you have two under two 'cause they're both changing dramatically into different stages. So frequently now it's stabilized so much and they are, I think it's really easy to have a two and three year old, are two and three year olds. I mean, everyone's experienced it so different, but our kids are like, they really play so well together. - Yeah, they really do. - 1,000% it was meant to be and yeah. - Do you ever experience parental rage? Honestly, you guys, I don't think that's something that we have ever struggled with. Like we, we just both are obsessed with our kids. - No. - We love them so much. - I did yell the other day because our son was holding onto my hair, okay? Fell off of me, he was like balancing himself on my leg. - The whole body weight is pulling that's hair. - It hurt so bad, I was almost certain that all my hair-- - You yelled and it got louder at the end. - You got-- - Ah! - It's so cold. - 'Cause they hurt, like I felt him tugging on the hair and then he fell and it was like, and I was like, ah, I think I screamed out, what did I scream? - I don't know, you just like yelped. - And then-- - They were both scared. - We've been sort of crying. - I was so sad. - It was so sad 'cause I mean you don't yell at them. - Yeah. - And so he started crying and he like froze. He like covered and froze and started crying. - And then I apologized because-- - And then Oggy kept going, I'm so scared. - I'm so scared. - Yeah, I apologized to them after that 'cause I've learned, like as a parent, you need to show your kids that you can make mistakes. - I don't think that you weren't yelling out of rage. It was literally just like, it was a pain response. - Yeah. - You just had a trauma done to your head. - Yeah, I did have a hair transplant and a lot of my hair fell out. But it's looking, guys, it's looking better. I got a haircut recently, it looks so much better. I still have a ton of hair missing from the top that's all gonna roll back in. I'm excited for that in 10 months. When the full result comes, but yes, I did yell and it was a little hectic. - But you weren't yelling at him. - No, yeah. - Yeah, no, parental rage, I definitely see where that could happen. If you haven't gotten to that stage yet, maybe it'll come. - Yeah, I'm sure at some point our kids will do something really stupid that'll piss us off. - The drive is crazy. - Okay, can you share more about your homeschooling thoughts, how it's going? You guys, proud, dad moment, sorry. I feel like I'm kind of taking over this podcast. Proud, dad moment, Griffin. He's actually doing a two day, two day a week, like homeschool, like hybrid thing. He basically perfectly did like the tracing for all of his letters, every single letter of the alphabet. I'm so proud of him. And I think part of the reason he did such a good job at that was because recently I got him actually using this iPad onto this learning program that, didn't you have kids that you'd babysit a couple of years ago or in college? - Doing elementary education, like in some of my practicums or even when I substitute teaching, a lot of public schools use it. - Oh, public schools use ABCs. - Yeah. - Okay, so then I knew about this thing called ABC mouse. So I got Griffin doing like the three year old learning activities and one of the activities is tracing his letters. So that's been super helpful using that app which we had to pay whatever the yearly subscription is. But it was like the cost of what you pay for like an education book at a store. And so that's been good and then the home school's been good. So I'm a proud Papa. - Proud Papa. - Yeah. - Yeah, so right now with just a two and a three year old, we haven't had to like think too seriously about it. I feel like learning at this age is through mostly play. And they do a lot of that. We go to museums, we go to the zoo, we go to a lot of things. Like we do a lot of like active out and about educational activities. But what we've been doing since like August is twice a week with like four of our other friends that are like all kids the same age. We just like get together and we have like a little self-made curriculum thing where we work on like a letter of the day. We read books, they do learning activities and like little crafts. They do like some motor skills activities. And it's just for two hours twice a week and that's working really great for now. I'm interested to see how our homeschooling journey evolves or like what it becomes maybe at one day you do a hybrid situation. Yeah, we're really lucky to be in a place where there are a lot of options around us as far as like there's support for homeschooling. There's a lot of different kind of cool hybrid situations. There's great public schools. There's great charter schools where there's so many options and so I'm really open to a lot of them. But right now this like little homeschool with our friends thing is working great. It's really sweet and they look forward to it. They feel so old they say we're going to school. Do you sit as a family for dinner? Yes. We do. I thought I feel like I feel like half the time or kids don't stay in their seats. Yeah, they they are very mobile and love to they just get distracted and so we have to keep reminding them of like hey if you want to eat dessert you have to finish your dinner before we get dessert. We do eat at the same time though and we put their plate on a table. They're usually coming and going and eating their food but they yeah. I think they got ADHD from their father. I don't know. I think they're just normal like a lot of others. But you think that we eat at the same time. We eat dinner at the same time like as a family. Yes, sometime does also we don't enforce that they stay in their seats very well. Yeah, that's something that we need to work on. But recently I feel like they're still too young. It has been helping though because they want to go in the pool every single day with me. That's like their big thing is they're like can we go swim with daddy in the pool? I don't know but they're obsessed with the pool. We have to eat your dinner. So we've been using that as their bribe to eat their dinner before we go in the pool. So yeah. So yeah, I would say we eat as a family though every night. You're right. We do. Yeah, it's not like we're eating we're not living different lives. Like we're all together. Yeah. I'm just thinking because they get up so much that we're not like all seated. True. Yeah, it's not like we're all seated at the table using our manners. I have to bring them back to their seat. There's food spit out onto their plate. There's food thrown. There's yeah, there's negotiations happening. It's almost easier to eat outside because then I can just hose off everything. Maybe that's why we don't get rages because we have very low expectations. We're like oh yeah, there's like sometimes I would literally feed them a bite if they're going on the slide. I'm like, let me just try to get this in here. Anyway, how do you manage spending quality time with both of your boys equally? Do we? I feel like it's probably I mean we I think we do a pretty good job. They don't like to be separated. Yeah, then we kind of just are it's just with them together. So like if we're gonna spend quality time with one of them is with both of them. It is really special though when we get them like one-on-one but it doesn't have to be hot. No, you're right. When I do have grips in it. We can be better about that. I feel like it's fun. Like it's really fun. Well it's hard though because then you're like then I'm leaving another kid out and they like to do stuff together. Yeah. And they're so close in age but I think as they get older it'll be more and more important to have one-on-one time. But I do feel like we get one-on-one time like maybe not both of us with one kid but like me with one kid and you with another kid. It's been fun because Abby's had commitments recently to where I needed to bring Griffin to school and so it's just me and Griffin in the morning hanging out and like I get to help him pack his backpack and put all his snacks in there because he loves to put snacks in his backpack and and you know see him be so proud of himself when he puts on his clothes by himself and his shoes by himself like he's so proud. Yeah. So I love the one-on-one. It is sweet. We need to do that more and more. When I took a one-on-one trip with Griffin to Disney earlier this year that was really special. But then I did feel bad for Augie. Maybe I'll take a Augie on a one-on-one trip. I'll do a one-on-one trip with both of them. That would be fun. I've never done a one-on-one trip with them. Have I? It's so sweet. I need to. We're all always together so yeah but we should do that. That would be fun. That's a good idea. Next question, do Griff and Augie fight or are they little besties? I would say they're definitely little besties. This doesn't mean that they don't ever have conflict. Yeah. I feel like every siblings like have conflict and usually the kind of conflict that we're seeing it just feels so normal. It's like two little boys that are getting worked up and I've noticed this like two little boys like wrestling are playing like they're gonna continue to get like worked up. Like it's like a balloon getting inflated. Yeah. Like it's going to pop at some point. Like someone's going to cross the line and like do a face shot. But the wrestling is so fun for them. Like they love it. Even if Augie gets like elbowed in the face he laughs like he's so. But there's always a point where it crosses the line and then someone's upset. True but I mean I would say for the most part they are such besties. Yeah there are besties. The only time I really see them get upset with each other is when they're having issues sharing. So something that we've enacted in our family whenever they're sharing issues is I'll say okay hey Griffin Augie has that toy right now. You'll get to have it in two minutes. I'll say Augie could you share actually I first ask Augie to see if he can have like the like encourage them to do it themselves like. Yeah yeah. Augie would you be. If you can play with that toy. Yes or like would you guys be willing to trade something. So sometimes Griffin in order to like he really wants Augie's toy and so I'll say Griffin. Augie's playing with that right now but if you're able to find something else that Augie would want to play with then then maybe Augie would consider trading. So then Griffin's like going and fighting all these different toys and bringing them up to Augie be like oh you want to trade this Augie's like no and then Griffin will go and get this and Augie's like no and then he'll get like a spider man toy and then Augie will be like okay yeah like that's my favorite superhero. So you know it's stuff like that. I think that's all like normal stuff. Yeah. But they in general they are really good shares and I think it's because they've had a sibling for forever you know. In the two-minute rule like oftentimes like even today there was something that they were trying to share and basically Griffin just told Augie hey Augie I just need two more minutes and then you can. Yeah he always says two minutes. Two minutes and that like seems to work really well because Griffin like knows immediately okay I'm fine for now and the future I will have to give this up but I can still get a little bit more time out. They can usually work it out. Yeah but they always want to do everything together. They do not want to be separated when they're like gonna watch a show they like want the other person to sit right next to them. They want to do they want to play up the same thing at the same time. So they're definitely besties. Okay that wraps up the family and parenting section. Now we're onto the relationship. This is like couples questions questions about love romance relationship all that. Also by the way Matt wanted to match with me today and I'm like wow we're already in the elderly couple stage where we just like start matching every day. But you've done this for a long time you're like what are you wearing okay and then he comes out in a brown shirt. Yep we are both wearing brown. I think that's sweet. Okay first question advice for young couples who really want kids but are not yet ready financially. I would just send it honestly. I would just send it like okay look I will say we also we're financially prepared for kids when we started having them. So we probably do have a bias there. I'm sure there's people that started having kids that we're not financially ready and it probably really stressed them out. But I think like there's something about having a family that just makes you work your ass off. I'm sorry like yeah like it like that's kind of what marrying Abby did to me like I knew I wanted to marry her. So right away in college like I got a job and I just like started penny pinching and like you know just I was very strict on myself because I had this goal in mind. So I think yeah if you know that you want to start a family or that's something that you're wanting to do but the finances aren't quite there like let that be a motivating factor. We know a lot of people really well and personally that would have probably said yeah I mean I guess we weren't quote unquote financially prepared when we started our family. But you when you have the gift of a baby you realize how small all those physical things you thought you needed to have in place beforehand are and like in comparison to like the absolute like magnitude is to start a family. Like let me just like even one thing would be like a nursery for your kid. We did all this stuff to do like a nursery for our like our first kid because we thought we had to we're like oh we kind of have all this and that for the nursery. Second child like we you just realized like wait a second like they just sleep next to your bed for the like they really can for initially. Like all these things that you think you might need to have in place beforehand um it's it's largely based in like culture or society and not like oh like this is actually a necessity and like Matt said there's no greater motivator really than having people to provide for. Also here's the other thing you may feel quote unquote financially prepared and you have a kid two years down the line like you never know what life is going to hand you there's job loss I know you grew up in experience job loss like recessions like just like things you cannot prepare for and you cannot expect can happen and that can happen at any time. Next question best advice for newly married couples probably to do some sort of premarital counseling or yeah marriage counseling I think it's been amazing uh in our life we've we've seen some huge benefits to therapy and in our life. A free thing too is um I think that's great and something that we definitely do but also like through every season of our marriage we've always had like couples that we can like talk to be open with not like in an in an appropriate way but we can like have dinner and like we can talk about our marriage and we can talk about like oh like this thing came up and it's not like we're using them as our therapist but just like having community to like talk about life and marriage and celebrate your marriage and yeah like the joys of it and be with you and like the harder times I think there's a lot of value in having other couples that are married to surround you to also So help uplift your marriage and your unity and stuff. - Is it okay if I hold your hand? I just wanna hold your hand, do you look so good? - Yeah, I was about to change and then Matt was like, do not change, I just want your outfit. Guys, blow up the comment section with how incredible Abby looks in this outfit. It's all matching. - Stop it. - I even helped pick it out. She asked me my opinion on the outfit and I think you look stunning in it. - Thank you so much. - I love it, wow, you look so good. Is it the, I can't tell, I guess it's the brown, but then the blue accents are cute and the yellow stripe on the side. I like it, it's a cute outfit. - It's good stuff. - Cute outfit, okay, next question. This might be TMI, but we can always cut this out if it is. - Well, we never say TMI. (laughing) - What is your secret to a good sex life? Somebody just, they're assuming that we have a good sex life. - I guess you put that question in here. - I didn't put that question in. This is what our sister and little Abby put in here. - Oh, okay, I mean, I like to talk about sex. - Okay, tell me about it. - What's the secret? - What do you think the secret is, Abby? (laughing) - Yeah, I would say so. - I would say so. - I'm so flattered. - Yeah. - Actually in the shower the other day, I asked Matt, I was like, rate our marriage on the scale of one to 10. We're gonna say at the same time. And I was like, this is a great way to get your feelings hurt. And I feel like if we did that for sex life, it's like even, should we rate it? - Our sex life right now? - Yeah. - You wanna do a rating right now? - Let's just give it the last three months. - I feel like, I wanna keep that to ourselves. I feel like, I feel like I want to. - Okay. - Wait, there's certain things that you wanna keep private. I don't wanna, like, I don't know. I feel like that might be the process. - No, I got something overly confident, everyone. (laughing) What's the question? - The question is, why is our sex life so good? - No, what is the secret? I don't know. I mean, wow, that I think-- - Probably just half sex. - Well yeah, that would be the number one one. Do it a lot. - Yeah. (laughing) - I think, like, let me just think of like, a base level communication. - Oh yeah. - Should I even say that we have like this? - What, what do you mean, have what? - We have like, all the cards. - Yeah, the card, cards can be fun if you have-- - I think that's great because you like-- - Physician cards. - You're like, okay, I don't really wanna, like, you don't wanna take the, you wanna keep it fun and fresh, but you also don't wanna take the brain power. It's a good, it's like a fun little game. - Yeah. - Like, pull out a card and just try whatever's on the card and like, sometimes we laugh and we're like, absolutely not, that's not gonna, that's not gonna physically work. Or like, we give it a shot and it's actually really, you never, you never know and just keeps it fun and fresh. And I think honestly, sometimes it's really fun when we laugh, when we're in the bedroom. - Yeah, no, I love that. - And it doesn't have to be like a romantic, passionate movie. Like, are we just laughing? - I love it when we're like-- - And doing embarrassing things, it's a mess. - We are in the act and then we like, I like, I like, it's always me, I'm always the one that starts laughing first. (laughing) - Yeah, that's true, I think that's the best. - It's always me. - I think, yeah. Okay, anyway, next question. (laughing) Okay, now we're gonna move on, now we're gonna move on to random. I feel like that was enough. - I was just gonna suggest you just skip. - It was Abby, how did you know Matt was the one? - Ah. - It's a little, a little softy, but hey, we can-- - You were my best friend. - That's why I knew that you were the one. - When I like thought into my future, I was like, everything I was thinking I'm down the line like you were in it. - Yeah. - You had already been written into my future in my mind, so it's like this just feels like such a natural thing to enter into. - No, that's how I knew that you were the one too, 'cause it was like, our friendship was so strong, and like you quite honestly became the closest friend that I'd ever had in my life. - So then it was just a no brainer to get through. - Yeah, and also on a deeper level, I had noticed so many things about your character that I was like looking for in a partner, and even you made me realize there were traits that I wanted in a spouse that I didn't even think about before, I was like, oh, this is so good that like, you are willing to like humble yourself to seek advice from others, like the way that you're willing to like get a mint, like have mentors in our relationship, and like get counseling and to like invite that in, and like be willing to be wrong and learn. Like that's a really, really important quality that I hadn't even thought about, 'cause I was like thinking, I'm like, so when that's spontaneous and like fun, it makes me laugh, and like all those things are good and great, but like-- - I definitely am spontaneous. - Are you teachable, like, yeah. - How many times have I tried to get you to like go on an international trip? - And you know what, I just say yes, because you do about 1% of them of your crazy ideas. - Okay, right now, can we go? Can I take Griffin to Tokyo to go ride trains in Tokyo? - Yes, why are you left out of this? - And I take you and I'll give you with us. - Sure. - Yes, we're gonna do it. - Sure. - And the next year, go to Tokyo and we can ride the train. I think our kids would think the, 'cause they have these like really fast, high-speed trains. - You guys, if you wanna actual glimpse of our marriage, this is literally what happens. - No, Abby, I'm serious. - Every single day. - Okay, I think the boys would be obsessed. They would think it's so cool. No, seriously, they would feel like it's, like being on an amusement park ride because these trains are very fast. Anyway. - I don't know. - That's amazing. Catches on the bullet trains. - And we can get sushi. - In Asia. - They're really-- - They're awesome. Japan. - Japan. - Yeah, I've heard Japan's really safe, too. - Oh, it's okay, great. - Yeah, it's anyway. Sorry, I feel like I just killed our conversation right there, right there. - You're just such a puppy dog. - Sorry, sorry, rather. - Fine. - Okay, now that was the end of the relationship section. - Okay, great. - Now we will move on to the random questions before we get into the final topic, which is miscarriage and that's dark and scary, but we're gonna talk about it in any way. - Oh, it's not so dark and scary. - Okay, random. - It actually is dark and scary. - Yeah. Okay, wow. - I also-- - I don't even fear mongering. - Also, yes. Also, I feel like we've been developing dark humor recently. - Yeah. - What was the thing that you said the other day that like-- - I've been saying a lot of dark things. - Like, what was the thing that we were talking about yesterday? That was actually like, it was so dark, but so dark, it was funny. - Me when I was saying I was putting blush onto a capy. - Oh my god. - I was like, see for me, that didn't even, like because I'm in such a kind of dark place. Like, I was like, oh, is that really, is that bad? - That's dark, but hey, you know what? We're in a dumb club now. - I put blush onto a capy today, so. - Give me nucks. - No, I just put blush on to put my blush on. - And I take the antidepressants to be happy and that seems to work for me. - See if we're dark. - Okay. - Okay, so now we're on the random session. - Okay. Okay, first question is pros and cons of your Tesla. - Whoever said this question, thank you so much. I love-- - Oh my gosh. - Guys, I recently purchased full self driving, the monthly membership, 'cause it used to be like-- - I thought you were so frugal. You literally said that earlier in this podcast. - What? Oh, I still-- - Not frugal anymore. - I'm not, okay, I'm not technically frugal anymore, but we also-- - I'm not even a little bit. - We got a little bit more to play with, okay? And we have our emergency fund. We have investments. - Okay, talk about the Tesla, don't-- - So we're not, you know, we can, it's okay. - We're not gonna call you out. - Abby, I felt very cold out. - Sorry about that. - Thank you. - Okay, but the Tesla full self driving, I love it. Our car just drives itself. So you just like press down the lever and being it drives itself and right now I think it's 100 bucks a month, which is expensive, but for having your car drive itself, I paid for it for one month just to try it out and see if I thought it was cool and I love it and I don't plan to get rid of it anytime soon. So, that's why I love it. Khan would maybe be-- - The question wasn't about self-driving. It was-- - I know, that was the pro though. The pro of the Tesla is the full self driving. - No, I think the pro of the Tesla is that it's electric. - Yeah, and then-- - And never have to get gas. You just plug your car in at your house. - Which has made me wanna get solar panels because if we add enough electricity to like cover our electric bill from the solar panels, we would essentially, I wanna say pay off the solar panels that I'm thinking of getting in the next five years. So they would just be like, then we just have free electricity, you know, and that's cool. - And it's good for the environment. - There you go. - What are the cons of the Tesla? Maybe space? - I mean, I feel like it has decent space. - Yeah. - I guess like, if you're looking for a bigger vehicle, the third row Tesla is not that spacious. The back row is very small. - True, true. - I don't really have a lot of negatives to say about the Tesla, I think it's a really good car and I actually didn't expect to like it as much as I do. - Yeah, we have the Model Y thinking about the Model X. We kind of realized maybe what we could do is Abby gets her car like her favorite mom car and then I get my favorite dad car and then that way we can both fit like our whole family whenever we end up having more kids because I think we kind of are almost wanting four kids now. Can I say that out loud? Is that okay? - I am loving yet your change. - I don't know, I just love being it. I'm just like, I've really entered my dad era. I love being a dad and it's like, at least how I feel right now. I'm just like, why are you crying? - Yeah, it's sweet hearing you say that. But also like I think just like the reality of losing a baby, you just realize how valuable our children are to us. Yeah, I think the like feeling the weight of how profound like this loss feels, you just realize. Wow, there's nothing greater in this life than our family. So yeah, that just made me cry. But also hearing you say that is really sweet. See, this is where we're at right now. We're at like dark humor, one minute. Tears the next, that's where we're at right now. Sorry, keep going. - That's where we're at. - Random questions, we're not even on the video. - No, it's all good. Hey, we're not even 25 and then, are we still in the Tesla one right now? - Yeah, this is our Tesla. - Oh yeah, we're still. - That's the question. Okay, next question is, dream vacation destination. - Yes. - What do you say? - I would love to plan a really fun trip in Europe with our kids around the due date of our third baby because I would love something to look forward to. That's like big and like bonding as a family. And also distracting because I just know that those milestones, like I'm anticipate, it's almost like the anticipation is worse is what I've heard, but like the anticipation of like those dates is hard. So I want to have something to counteract that. That's like exciting and hopeful. - Is that a response to grief to travel? - Yeah. - Because like. - Getting out of the space. - My initial instinct reaction to everything that's happened. - No, I was like, Abby, let's go. I was like, can we go to Japan? I think I said, and I think, and then I was like, okay, maybe something domestic. Like I was like, maybe that's all of it too crazy. But I think for you, I think that was a little too like out there right away. But yeah, that was definitely like, you know. - I think that probably is. - But I love that idea for, I know we've talked about that already, but I love that idea of planning this amazing trip for February just to help us like get through that month and get through that specific date with sucks, but it'll be good. - Somewhere in Europe, the boys have never been to Europe. So that would be really fun. - Yeah, and I went to Europe for the first time ever, five years ago. So that was 20. Our kids are like going to so many cool places and they're like, they're two and three. - I know. - They're two and three, so go. - I know, but it's still, it's sweet. Their favorite place is like, literally, when they see an airplane, they just think about going to grandma and poplust. - I actually asked in this, you guys have said, do you guys want to go, okay, I did, keep in mind, I didn't say Disney World Grandma and Poppas and then like a couple other places. - Why? - They said Disney World first, but then after that, then second was Grandma and Poplust. So I thought that was really sweet. Our next question in the random category is favorite YouTube video you've made. - Well, I like our wedding video one. I also like the one where we read our like, letters to each other. - That's cool. - Those are fun, those are ones I go back to a lot because they're just like, there's so much value in like, okay, like these were the vows you made to each other, these were things that we like said. And like now we're like living in that like reality of like, this world we're creating. - Yeah. - I love that I have all that footage on a hard drive so I can keep like making new videos with it in the future 'cause I just think that's fun. Like, I'll see that footage through a different lens, every decade or whatever 'cause I recently last year re-edited that footage to the wedding song that I wrote. And then before that, it was just like the OG wedding video that I made and surprised you with on Valentine's Day. But that's something that I was thinking about recently 'cause like, I'm glad we have all this, like this, all this footage. - I love that video, the vows. Honestly, in the video we made in our Springfield Missouri apartment, those are so sweet. - Pre-Hawaii videos on our YouTube channel, really sweet videos. - Like when I surprised you for Valentine's Day. - That was really cool. - Those like make me cry when I got my haircut and surprised you, those are so fun. - Yeah. - I love those. - Really? I'm sorry, I was just like, you give out the haircut video and how I had to make an edit in it. (laughs) - Let's get jealous. - Let's not, let's just keep that to ourselves. (laughs) - As you brought it up on this podcast. - Okay. If you weren't living here, so, okay, oh gosh, fine. You can tell them, say it in appropriate language. It doesn't sound weird. (laughs) - Stop it. - Pitching a tent. - Oh my. - Oh gosh. - Oh gosh. - So somebody told us, one of our friends was like, you know, you gotta edit that out from the, like you missed the part. - You posted it. - We posted it. I wasn't looking for that, I didn't think that was happening. - I don't watch our videos. - I completely missed it in the edit and try to go back on YouTube and edit that part out. - She just texted Mary. - I just loved your hair so much. (laughs) - First you're married. - First you're married, baby. - Okay. - Okay. - All right. - Crazy. - If you weren't living in Arizona, where would you pick? - You would pick Hawaii. - Yeah, either Hawaii or California. Hawaii would be better than California, but California does have opportunities, especially like now that we have this podcast, like transparently, guys, if we did live in Los Angeles, interviewing cool guests is just 10 times easier when you're already in LA. 'Cause everyone is always doing press cycles in LA for their new book, their new movie, whatever. It's hard to get people to fly to Phoenix. So that would, honestly, I'd probably say, realistically, California, but maybe one day we'll split time. Maybe one day we'll spend part of the year in Arizona, part of the year in California, or Hawaii, and do one of those, do that. We'll see. Why are you smiling like that? - I'm like, okay, whatever. - I love Arizona so much. - Yeah, I have even Arizona girl. - I like love air. - She loves the heat. - I do, I'm a reptile. - What has been your favorite podcast to record? Wow, I actually, off the top of my head, can't think of what that podcast would be. - The one I'm proudest of is the one we just did, regarding our miscarriage. It was really important for me to just do it for myself, and for anyone that it would serve, and I just wanted to put it out there for anyone that needed it. And for people that didn't need it, I wanted them to not partake, but it was there for people that needed it, and I needed to do it. And so, yeah, I'm not using my words well. - No, that's really good. - It felt like an exhale for me, and it felt like a milestone in growing through this horrible experience. It felt like a way to commemorate her life, our daughter's life, and the experience that we went through as a family and as a couple, and it felt the most motivated I've ever been to speak on something, I think. - I think what you said in that episode was powerful for so many women out there that have been through something similar, that knows somebody that's been through something similar. Seeing the comments that people were saying, like, I just went through miscarriage too, and this has been really healing to see this, to hear you share what it's like. - That feels good to me. - Or I went through a miscarriage when you were pregnant with Augie, and I was pregnant at the same time, and I lost my baby, and it was like devastating, and now watching this makes me a weird way feel seen, like feel understood. I think you being vulnerable in the episode was really cool. - Thank you. - We have a few more random questions before we get into the specific miscarriage questions. What is one thing you would like to achieve before the end of the year? - Minus to build a half pipe in our backyard for me and the boys. What about you? I actually am so excited about this half pipe. I'm going to skate it probably every day. I'm so stoked. - I'm not really a goals person, am I? I'm a journey person. - Did your voice just cry? - Yeah. - I think you had like, it's a flabby picture right there. - Or, frog my throat. - Okay. - I'm a journey person. I'm not really a goals person. - Our final question from the random call. - Oh my gosh, I feel like I'm on some game show. We're going to get to level four. - Sorry, this is our last time. I'm trying to enjoy the fun questions before we get into the morbid ones. How do you stay present in such a busy time in your lives? - I think that, yes, the stage of life that we're in is a very quote unquote busy time, but also the blessing of having littles is that I think you'd be shocked to how actually slow our day today is. - Yeah. - Like, they are in bed at like 7.30. We're home. We're home a lot. - We did have that night. - They map every day. - Where we hung out with our brother and sister-in-law so late that we put them to bed at 11 p.m. - Yeah, see, that was unique though. - That was unique. - Like, I feel like people would be shocked by how slow and simple our day to day life really is. Like, we're on more of a routine than we ever have been because with the kids, I think they just thrive with like order and routine. Every night, we just hang out as a family and like play outside. You get in the pool with them. We do bath and bedtime and dinner. Like, it really does feel like it's fairly slow. Like, I don't feel like where we're at right now we're like overwhelmed or drowning. We're just in such a sweet season. We're like, we, it's taken on a slower pace. Wouldn't you agree? - Yeah, I love the season that we're in. I feel like I can-- - It's very protective over our family time too. - Like, guys, I seriously, I think I've said this on the podcast before. It felt like we were parenting on expert mode. Like, I used to play Minecraft in middle school. Okay, there was expert mode and I would like never survive expert mode 'cause it's so hard. - Okay. - And then you do easy mode and it's like, chill. - You're just chilling. And I feel like that's what happened. Like, I feel like we're on parenting expert mode. And now with our boys being so close in age, they do everything together. They entertain each other. Like, obviously I love, we spend a lot of quality time together, but it's not like we have an only child, we have to entertain them all the time. Like, our kids will just go play on their playset and go swing and go down the slide. - It's fun to play with it. - And we're able to do the dishes and pick up our house. And it just feels like we're parenting on easy mode right now. So it's so fun. - I will say, if you're having struggling as a parent with staying present, I would encourage you to examine your online behavior because I feel like I have fallen so easily in this trap of like filling any gap time with scrolling and that messes with your brain. Your brain is not meant to ingest all of that. And so if you just maybe have like enforced strictor boundaries with your online or your phone usage, you wouldn't feel like this lack of stimulation when you're playing with your kids as much. - Yeah. - 'Cause it's like, it would be dopamine enough to just play with them. And the color with them and like go on a walk. - Yeah. - So I feel like. - Especially putting time limits on the apps that you scroll on. So like if you're gonna spend an hour on YouTube a day, but you're watching like a 30 minute history video, that's what I would do 'cause I'm a nerd, and then like a 30 minute science video. - Well, it's like you can scroll, but maybe this is isolated to their nap time or once they're in bed, because then you won't feel like you're. - Totally. - I don't know how to put words. - Yeah, that's actually a really good idea to like leave. Leave, you know, if you say you wanna give yourself, let's say 45 minutes a day to scroll, you know, you give that to yourself at the end of the day, 'cause then you've gone through your whole day. - That's why I have a lot of my friends do. They like put their time restrictions like their kids nap time. - That's cool. So they restrict their like Instagram and TikTok. - I actually don't think you can restrict an app for a certain amount of time, but they allow themselves 30 minutes, and then they only do that during that nap time. - That's exactly really cool. - Yeah, I wish the apps could say you could only use this from X time to X time. I wish, I don't know why they don't have that. - I think there's a way to do that. - Okay, I'll do it with that. - 'Cause I've done that actually with my phone. - Okay, I'll help me with that then. - Yeah, I can set it up for you. 'Cause I've done it, I've set it up for myself. - I think that can help you immensely, because it's like you're not the problem. Your brain has just been trained to get dopamine hit after dopamine hit after dopamine hit. And so then when you're with your kids, it's not, your brain's not getting that same release, but if you train your brain to not meet that as much, then you're gonna find more fulfillment. I really believe this. You'll find more fulfillment in just like being with your kids and playing with them. - Yeah. All right, now we've moved into the sad questions. - Oh, great. - So sorry. Now we're gonna talk about sad stuff, but we got to crap some questions from you guys about miscarriage, so we thought. - Once again, if you're like pregnant right now, and this is gonna be like making you fearful, just get off of it. It's totally like I would have been that same way a month ago, two months ago. - Oh, shame, no shame in that. First question we have is how is Matt doing? He was so strong during the last podcast. How is he processing? Okay, to be honest, I am on antidepressants, you guys. So I feel like that's really helped me. Like I wish I could take credit for, wow, I looked so strong and I'm like really being tough. Like I saw a comment that was like, wow, he's been really like, you know, just there for Abby. And that was nice, but-- - You have been. - Well, thank you. I'm trying my best out here, but you know, I'm also like not perfect, there's definitely things that I could be doing better, but it's one of those things where I have been on antidepressants and because like, yeah, because I'm on those, like it really, I think it's helped me a lot. - Yeah, and something else is that like when we were in the hospital when all of this was happening, a lady came in to talk to us like about grief a little bit, and I feel like we were so in shock at that point that this, this is like the one thing I really remember her saying because it was very helpful and I saw this pattern in her own marriage and like as we were like processing, everything that had happened was that like moms tend to grieve immediately and grieve so hard. And like I certainly did that and am doing that. And then once gradually, once the mom is able to like, maybe stop being so teary every day, get back into like a little bit more of a swing of things. Like kind of just get back on her feet again as usually when it starts to hit dad. And then 'cause dad's been taking all the hits, right? And like being strong, being the person to lean on, and that's exactly what you've done. Like you have fielded all of my grief and sadness as you're experiencing yourself, but like I feel like you've almost been like holding it together because I'm crumbling so much. And then now as I'm getting on my feet again, I feel like it's starting to hit you more and more in waves. And like now I feel like we can go through this together whereas before if you would have like been like crumbling like me, I don't know what we would have done. - I'll be honest too. Like you had to fill in so many gaps for me because I was just a mess. I couldn't get off the couch. I was just sobbing all day every day. And so like you had to be strong. You had to keep going for me. And like I feel like you were just going on this adrenaline and like I have all this responsibility. I have to do this, I have to do this. And that like you couldn't even begin to start your own griefing journey exactly. I'll be honest like that is exactly how it felt. Like I think I've been allowing myself to really think about things. Like it almost was like my brain wouldn't let me think about it. - Yeah. - Like yeah, I don't know. Like the more that I do think about it, the sadder I get. And I think obviously there can be an unhealthy way to do that where you like never allow yourself to grieve and you never process the emotions. But I think that like for one, the antidepressants have helped me spread that processing time out so it's not like a big wave at once. And it just like overwhelms me and then I can't work. I can't take care of my kids. Like you know there's been days where I you know had to feel a lot of different gaps. But just because like I think it's more normal for women to like especially with you carrying our baby for all of those months. And then going through that like it's just so overwhelming for you that like you just feel utterly hopeless. And so I think like that is something that happens. But yeah for me it has been more spread out. And then that allowed me to kind of keep things going. Keep you know, wake up with the boys, give them their breakfast, like take them to school whatever it needed to be. - Yeah, I feel like I like literally shirked off every responsibility onto you for so long that like you were like okay I have a full, like I have all these things to do. That it was like you were doing all these actions where it was like the emotions didn't even have room to come in. - Yeah. - Like fully until like maybe now it's like starting you know. - Yeah and I also think like something programmed in my brain since I was a kid was just to like not show emotion like I feel like the emotion. I've talked about this with my therapist. Like I feel like like positivity, happiness like laughter. I feel like that's like an okay emotion. But like you know, especially when it like for myself I just don't feel like it's appropriate for me to show sadness. So I like as a guy I was like trying to be the tough guy. So it's really hard for me to get to that place. I don't know. Anyway I, I, you've been such a rock for me and for our family and like you've taken on so much so that I've had this room to like process and grieve and heal how it felt appropriate. And yeah, couldn't have done it without you. - Thank you. It's been weird though like the time, the random times it just hits me and I'm like I'm like, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like it just like hits me of like just how effed up everything was and is and just how sad it is. But it's just like, okay, like just like little moments of just like realizing that happened to us. This isn't like somebody else that this happened to which is awful. This happened to me and my wife. Like that just gets me. Next question is why aren't you calling your loss of stillbirth? This is coming from a stillbirth mama herself. That's very sweet of you to ask why we are calling it a miscarriage because I think medically if you look at the definition like in the state of Arizona miscarriages up to 20 weeks, stillbirth is past 20 weeks and so it was 17 weeks when we found out the news. So very late miscarriage, you know, very similar process is what very similar process as someone going through of stillbirth goes through because they have to deliver and labor. - I bet it's honestly the same process of stillbirth but yeah, it's a weird thing. - It's weird, yeah, but that's why. - I definitely relate to stillbirth's experiences. - Oh, 100%, 100%. Yeah, what has been the most positive experience to come out of this terrible time? - I mean, obviously feeling the community love and support has been incredible, so appreciated. It feels so, in a time that's like so like unmooring like you feel so insecure like anything can happen to it, it feels really anchoring to have like, I would say we have like an army of people in person and not in person like that love and support us and a rooting for us. And so that has been great. There have been other positives. I feel like it's still hard for me to see that like where I'm at right now. Like I feel like everyone's wrong. And I think of something positive. I like we share it with each other. there but it's it's not the top of mind yet we're still like we're still we're still down in the dumps so it's hard to like think of the positives but certainly like our community has been such a light what would you say I would say well I can think of another positive too I view life so differently now because of this like I've always would say that I view life in such a high regard and like babies as such a gift and now I'm like they're truly a miracle like every person the fact that you're here is a miracle and like yeah yeah I think I think for me as weird as it is it's like almost maybe want to have more kids yeah just because I like recognize like how beautiful life is and how beautiful it is that we've been able to bring life into this world and as awful as it is that we have been through a miscarriage after having to very successful you know great pregnancies you know everything I think it's just like the positivity of family the positivity of like my kid like I think another reason that another thing that's helped me in addition to antidepressants during this time is just been our kids like I've spent more time with our boys in the past couple of weeks like percentage wise of my day than ever like I just spend so much time with the boys and we have a very deep bond and that probably that's been amazing like it's been oh it's been so good just have the relationship with them that I quite honestly was not expecting at all like it the deeper I get into fatherhood the more I understand why people rave about it so much because it's just like they're my best friends like I love our kids so much I love them really really stellar dad like you're amazing and you can tell that it like you find so much purpose in your role as a dad one more positive thing I think of right now I'll probably think of some more down the line once I'm not in this dark stage as much as we're describing it is that like I have gained so much like more empathy and like perspective now sometimes I'm not very good at like sending gifts to people that are going through something and so all the people sending us things has been make like made me want to and next time I see someone that goes through something I want to like reach out to them and get their address so I can send them an edible arrangement or send them send them flowers send them a gift card something you know yeah just people have done that for us and it's been really nice yeah next question sorry if this is overstepping but has the loss of your baby girl strengthen your marriage we actually just talked about this in the car yes it has that's anytime I feel like you go through a trial like I think anytime in general in your marriage you're either moving closer together or further apart it's really hard to just remain neutral yeah but especially in a trial I feel like you're going to X speed like you're either gonna run to each other at two XB or you're gonna run apart at two XB and like from the very beginning like we just were like we have to cling to one another through this and that has yeah I couldn't go through this without without you like literally not even it would have looked very very differently if I did if you hadn't been there for me in the way that you have and so yeah I feel like I'm trauma bonded to you even more now trauma bonded I love you it's awesome that's so dark okay how will you too as a couple be memorable memorizing your girl I've lost two babies and don't know how for us I'm not gonna get into the details because we want to keep a lot of things private but there is a place that we plan to visit once a year to remember her because it's where we have decided to place her remains and so that place is going to be very special to us and you know every time we go I think it'll just like it'll it'll it'll just we'll think about that time and it'll be sad and it'll be hard but I think it'll also make it a conversation point with our boys that they can understand what happened in an age-appropriate way as they get older yeah we're like gonna do a family activity yeah that location every year I mean we have more things too but that's like the main one that we're like okay that will be like an annual thing whereas like I have her on my necklace like close to my heart and so like I feel like that's also a really good talking point like as our kids and like I can just touch it and remember her yeah and show the boys um these are all my babies mom is mommy's babies which I saw you say that too was it augy and griffin the other day and did they ask further questions about that I can't remember if they like sometimes they do and sometimes they don't yeah but I think that's a my goal I don't ever want it to feel like I just want to feel like a normal conversation yeah and yeah those are that's like the main thing that we want to do for her next question would you recommend grief support groups did you do it this is from someone that lost their son at 24 weeks I'm so sorry that's awful awful awful awful awful I think grief support groups can be amazing I think we haven't attended any specific groups or hospital hasn't event coming up because october actually is like infant loss like pregnancy loss awareness month yeah so there's like events at our hospital that we've like looked into and then also um grief support groups I kind of like have created my own yeah you really have I mean you have all these moms that you know that's that is an amazing resource and I would have 1,000 percent even if you're like I don't want to talk about this I don't want to think about this I don't like I want to avoid this at all costs like I think that you will be shocked at like the fruit you see from those conversations like it is it's also just like think of it as a way to honor your your maybe that you lost like keeping them in conversation keeps them alive in some degree like their spirit alive in some degree and so like if you're like not don't think you're like okay I don't want to do this because like I don't need it think about it as a way of like also honoring your child that's helped me too because I'm like oh my gosh I feel like time with this constantly and I'm constantly wearing on people and and it's like no I want to keep her memory like very much alive I think it's good to have people that have been through it too or are currently going through it because then it doesn't feel as weird to talk about it like there's nothing wrong to talk about it with people that haven't been through it but they also know the right questions as to exactly so you know whether it's maybe you're a new widow maybe you're somebody that just lost your spouse like maybe you're someone that's going through something really hard and you're like I don't know what to do I am in the darkest place ever a grief support group would be amazing for you it may help us come up with like ideas of ways to memorialize her and like to have these conversations with our kids like just that shared life experience yeah it is such an amazing tool and the other thing again you know it doesn't have to be a grief support grouping in literally to be somebody that you that you know personally or you know maybe you're it's an acquaintance that you barely know but you know that they've been through the same thing reach out to them because you're gonna be able to connect over this like shared trauma that you both have and it's gonna make you both feel a lot better to actually just talk about it and you don't have to keep it a secret that you're going through this next question what do you wish people knew who had a family member going through the loss of an unborn child I think bring it up because especially the nature of like miscarriage or stillborn like you're already having like a certain complexity to your grief because you didn't get to like you don't have memories to share with this person you don't have like like I feel like that's how like I honor people that I miss that have passed is like oh you share memories yeah well we don't have that like all we have is memories of the pregnancy which feels like another degree distant and no one even brings those up and so I would just recommend like bringing something bring it up it's scary too and I totally have felt this way before like where I'm like oh I don't want to make them sad by bringing this up it's like oh they're already sad by the way like this thing just happened they're already sad Abby how are you handling other people's baby announcements showers etc um I'm not social media which is so wise because when I scroll and I see those it pisses me off but it's not like don't it's not personal yeah it's not personal like if that's you and you're posting that you're like I don't know if I should share it no share it it's just like I'm the problem it's something to be celebrated yes it's something to be celebrated and like but yeah I think it is tough yeah it's like I'm so happy I'm so happy for all my friends are pregnant but keep having this image in my head like we were all running this race together and then I just dropped out of this race and I didn't want to and I'm just like out of the race and they're gonna finish and they're gonna cross the finish line and they're gonna get to hold their babies and it's just like well it's like I wouldn't want nothing different for them it's just it's a reminder of our loss but you did nothing wrong and that's that's like a hard thing like that's a hard thing to to understand because it's like I love my friends so much and I love that they're they have this beautiful gift and it's it's like that's just one grief is it's so complex but everyone has been so respectful and awesome I remember thinking at the time of finding out I was pregnant I was like this is amazing everyone's we're all pregnant together we're all doing this together and now yeah I just I had this image and we'll knock it out of my head of me just being like plucked out of this race and like we all had different finish lines and we all had different like journeys and then I'm just out of it and that it's such a bummer next question not to touch on a sense of topic did the boys know about your loss how did they react yeah they're still really young and I think that's a gift of being young is that you're kind of given like what did you say like you're kind of tapered into like the gravity of situations like they definitely know and they were sad and they are sad they talk about like I want to meet the baby I want to take her home like things like that well you be sharing the genetic condition that baby girl had I want to keep all of her medical specific medical stuff private yeah like we would our other children yeah yeah we thought about cheering more but it's just like I don't know I don't see how that would be productive and it's one of those things too where you can you can do so much research on what could have what could have gone wrong like something that happened that like is something that we have that we could have gave to our kid and then you like blame yourself like there's so many things that parents can do to beat themselves up about miscarriage and I just I don't think it's productive personally the next question is will you share the name of your sweet angel that's sweet of you to to say that but we we've decided just to keep that private something that we don't plan on sharing and it was really just instinctual like Abby knew the name pretty much right away at the hospital and it was just one of those things where we just decided like you you said it like right away you're like I want to I don't know if I really want to tell like yeah the world yeah our daughter's name yeah but you say her name yeah yeah and the last question we have is are you going to try for another baby sometimes like a thought just like kids and other way and like even just the thought of like I hate the phrase moving on it doesn't really resonate with how I feel about that because we'll never move on from this like this is something that I will always grieve that I don't get to beat the mother to her in the way that I had hoped so badly I could be so I think I always feel that loss I don't know I really feel like I always feel that I don't know all you know if one day it ever lets up anticipate this feeling changing but I don't think I'll ever miss her and I'll never not grieve the fact that I don't get to be the mom to her that I really really wish I could be as far as like future babies this isn't like the end for our like growing our family certainly I would say for me and for you going forward feels more complex than scary and scary I think of the scariest part is like you hear about people that happens to again and like when you hear about the stories it's like gosh I wish that didn't exist like I wish there was like a you know which this is like a board game where like okay you got this bad card so now you can't get another one of those for a while you know you get a you get a free pass on the next pregnancy but it like life doesn't work that way so that I think that's like really scary it's always been like session exciting thing yeah for us and we've like thought about trying for a baby like yeah it's always been so exciting and light and now I understand the gravity that that holds so much more so yeah like it's like I almost afraid to even say yes we will have more kids because now it feels like anything can happen right like if this one terrible thing can happen any terrible thing can happen but I will say we are hopeful to continue growing our family and we'll take whatever timeline yeah it's like it isn't it weird that it's like so scary now to like to say anything about that with any type of certainty I mean yeah yes okay Mr. Optimus I don't know I just I don't doubt I don't doubt that we're gonna have another baby I don't doubt it well we're gonna let the fate decide yeah life decide what happens for us we would be so joyful to have more babies added to the Howard family yes we would and I definitely see that happening like I am envisioning that in our future I am such an optimist so like I don't doubt for one second that we're going to have have another baby but the reality that we lost our third baby is just so dark and yeah and it's just like oh yeah all the dates all the dates are hard totally yeah so I think you this trip idea this travel idea I think that'll be good just to kind of get our minds off things and I think you know we have plans soon to go to Disneyland which I think will be good for the kids good for us just to like get out of get out of everything and just so dumb I'm like Matt how am I going to the happiest place in the world when I'm the saddest girl in the world yeah but we already had this trip planned yeah we don't want to take that away from the kids and I do think it'll be good it'll be like a sweet distraction potentially 100% so we're gonna keep going we're gonna carry this heartbreak with us we're gonna try to grow around it but I don't want to ever anyone ever think I'm taking this lately if I just I guess I'm not yeah but that's just the reality of it well everybody thank you so much again for being a part of this community it's like just overwhelming the amount of love and support you guys have all shown thank you to everyone that has subscribed to our podcast like YouTube channel that is just crazy to me that like we have this community here I think there's just like there's more that I want to do for like for the community that that we have like there's there's so there's so many great people like I don't know I don't know if we could plan some in-person event or some like meetup or what that could look like but there's just like a lot of cool people here so just know that you're loved thank you for you know liking sharing sharing commenting anything you have done to engage because it's just fun to like interact with you guys in the comments and chat with you so we appreciate you and I hope that this if you've made it this far to the if you made this far in the video wow you're awesome that's that's really cool thanks for being here yeah thanks for being here actually yeah if you made it this far in the video most people stop listening by the variance so you should you get a gold a gold star I don't know what like yeah I wish we could send you all gold star