Speaker 1On any journey using Uber, it helps to know you're getting into the right car. PIN verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride. Before the trip begins, your app gives you a unique PIN. Just tell it to your driver, and they'll enter it in their app before the ride can start.
Speaker 2Hey, what's your PIN? Mm-hmm, 2538.
Speaker 1That way, you know you're in the right car taking the right trip, and your driver knows you're the right passenger. Make sure your ride is your ride with PIN verification from Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app.
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Speaker 4Hey, guys, welcome back to Recovering Out Loud Podcast. Today, I was kind of sitting around here wondering what the hell I want to talk about today. And, you know, my brain tells me, ah, nobody cares about all this shit. No one's getting anything out of it. And even if that is true, which it isn't, because I do get messages from some people saying, thanks for this episode, I learned something from it. I learned in recovery not to listen to that story I tell myself in my head. And I talk about it on this podcast a lot. But today... Today, I want to talk about resentment. Anger and resentment, but mainly resentment. Because resentment is the number one offender of relapse. And resentment plays a big part in my life, in character defects and going disturbed. I always talk about the state of being disturbed and undisturbed. The goal in recovery is to stay as undisturbed, in undisturbed. It's kind of zero to... There's no... It's black or white. You're either disturbed or you're not disturbed. And what I mean by disturbed is you're constantly obsessing. You're obsessing over something. There's a narrative in your head, a thought loop that's bothering you. There's something bothering... You're not present. The opposite of mindfulness would be disturbed. And so I constantly try to reach this state. And it's a battle, in and out. But resentment is one of those things that'll take you to that disturbed place real quick. And it'll just escalate as time goes on. The more you don't deal with it, the more you don't talk about it, the more you hate and obsess over that person or thing or event that happened to you. I talk about it on here a lot, but my big resentment is towards rich people. And that's because usually we project things that we hate onto people, onto the world. And the one thing I hate about myself this time around is my financial situation and the fact that I'm not rebounding as quickly as I would like, or I'm not in a place where I can go on vacation with my wife. And I have to think about buying things. The first time in my life that I can remember where I have to actually think before I buy anything. And I've been very... I'm mindful of that. I had to buy a new pair of running shoes the other day because the weather's getting nice and I like to run outside. And it took me about an hour to actually buy it. I do need new running shoes. My old ones are broken. But, you know, it's a beautiful thing to be able to pause before acting on your impulses. And shopping was a big problem of mine. Spending money, obviously, is a big problem of mine. So it's nice to be able to be mindful and stop before, you know, sleeping on it and leaving it in your cart before you make that Amazon purchase. It's a beautiful thing. But let's talk about resentment today and how it can affect your sobriety and your recovery and lead to relapse, like I said in the beginning. So I think in the past, whenever these resentments and angers would come up, this state of disturbed, I would just go and use drugs and not think about that said thing. It would just turn the volume knob down in my head whenever I used or drank. So when you get sober, you have to deal with these emotions that come up, these resentments, these fears, anger. And it gets real loud when you stop using and drinking. And the key point here is you don't suddenly become an angry person. Some of us come into recovery and we're more angry than others and we lash out. A lot of people also bottle it up, which isn't healthy either. But you didn't suddenly become an angry person. This is, we stopped numbing and now these emotions are coming to the surface, coming to the forefront. Important to note here, anger is a secondary emotion. It's blocking something else. One of my favorite quotes is, anger is fear's bodyguard. Usually when I'm angry, there's either sadness or fear involved below the surface. If I ask myself, if I wasn't feeling angry towards this person or situation or institution, school, whatever, if I wasn't feeling angry towards that, what would I be feeling? And that really makes me take a second to dive a little deeper. And usually it's fear. Like I said, it's usually I'm scared of not getting what I want or scared of losing what I have. And the resentment with school keeps coming up as well because it's not fun. I don't enjoy it. Nobody does. I know that. But for me, especially, I'm not working right now. So it's tough to, I work part-time at the rehab, but it's tough to balance work and school. So shout out to all my people that are in school right now and trying to make a living in this expensive ass city. You know, there's a lot going on in the world right now. And it's very easy to get wrapped up in all of the headlines and the clickbait and the rage bait. One of the best things I ever did was download an app that blocks my social media use and limits it to 60 minutes. A day in 10 increments, 10, sorry, six increments of 10 minutes. I don't even use the full hour. It's a beautiful thing. I find myself going on Tik TOK and Instagram and just getting angry at somebody that hates on 12 step recovery or someone that hates on anything. And they get lots of likes and views and comments. And I find myself getting triggered when I start to see those things. So for me now, it's like, I don't even, I try so hard to just not even look at my for you page on Tik TOK and my Instagram. I check up with the people that I'm close with. And that's it. The people that are saying things that are meaningful to me and are helping me and are authentic. At the end of the day, there's a lot of people that are just posting out there to get you angry and to trigger you and to get you to stop scrolling so that you react essentially to their video. So, and that goes with the news headlines too. I've been limiting my social media and my news usage because at the end of the day, I'm going to find out if world war three happens through somebody. I don't need the internet to tell me and me looking at. More headlines about war and poverty and anger and dis dis disarray and disagreement and fighting. And it's just, it doesn't do anything good for me. So I don't look at that. I try to stick to the positive things. I limit what my, what comes in my input, my, I filter what's coming in from the outside environment. So the difference between anger and resentment, anger is immediate. It's hot. It's reactive. It's black. Resentment is stored. It's replayed it's rehearsed anger. Oh, I love that rehearsed anger. It's this story. I'm constantly spinning my head and it's dishonesty at the end of the day, because when I'm judging people, I'm also being dishonest. My mentor told me that the other day, and it's so true. I do this thing where whenever I see somebody in the outside world that I don't know, I'm constantly subconsciously sizing them up. And they're either better or worse than me based on their actions, their clothes, their, their emotions immediately. I'm con I'm scared. I'm getting my environment for threats and I'm comparing myself to other people. It's like a subconscious thing. I don't even know that I'm doing probably stem from my childhood too much to get into now, but essentially that's what I'm doing. And it's, it's leaves me in a state of disturbed. So I pray about it. Now I ask for help. I try, I asked to remove the fear, the anger, the resentment, and I move on. Resentment is dangerous because it feels justified. It feels like, yeah, I should be, I have a right to be angry at this person. I have a right to hold. This resentment and remember resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that person dies. You're the only one suffering. Nobody else cares. It's dangerous because it loops in your mind and it grows. The more power you give it, the less you tell people, the more you keep it in, the more it grows and gains energy and power. And it just drains your energy, right? We're, we're, we are burning up energy foolishly when we're in resentment and constantly thinking about something bad happening to that person or thing. So anger passes. Resentment stays unless you work on it. One of the best ways to get rid of resentment, and this pisses a lot of people off because it's hard, it's hard to do this, but to just wish the best for the person to pray for that person, right? So if I see someone walking on the street that doesn't hold the door for an old lady or something or laughs at a homeless guy, I saw a guy taking a video of a homeless guy the other day and I snapped on him and he was laughing and you know, I just, I lost it on him. But one of the best ways to get rid of that resentment is to say, Hey, you know, that guy is just, I'm. For one, I'm happy. I'm not playing that role right now. I don't have to be that, that guy doing that, that terrible thing, whatever it is, but also he's probably going through something. And I wish the best for him. I genuinely, I wish the best for him because he is another child of God, another person of the universe that is just like me. Lord knows I've had my fair share of unpleasant moments, non-proud moments, moments that I wouldn't brag about. We've all been there. Show some grace to people that are struggling or. Doing something that you don't disagree with. The other interesting thing about when I get mad at people or visibly angry about people that are disrespecting me or the, the people around me, for example, buddy on the TTC taking up two seats when it's a full train, that drives me insane. Whenever I see somebody, especially a young person putting their feet up or putting their bag on the other chair and not letting anyone sit down, let it go. Let it go. That person is doing whatever they're doing. And it's. because the funny thing is, I have these reactions, usually I look around and nobody else cares. That's the funniest part about it is I'm the only one that's appalled by this gentleman's action, this rude individual. How dare he disrespect me and everybody else on this train? No one else cares. I'm the only one that notices it. It's hilarious. So all anger is usually a need that went unmet. There's an unmet need within, and I don't need to look externally for that need. I, it's all here, right? So I have a relationship with my power, a power greater than myself. And I know I'm going to be okay. If I talk to that power, if I just let it go, if I pray for that person, if I stop spinning stories in my head, the other thing is it's, it's a anger is a form of information. So a need that is unmet a boundary that is crossed or something that feels unfair or unsafe. Important thing. To note here about fairness. I heard this the other day. Fairness is a one-way street in recovery in life. Essentially. I can't expect the world to be fair one, cause that's asinine. And two, I can't expect other people to be fair towards me. It is a one-way channel. I try my best to be fair to everybody. And if I get walked on once in a while, I don't have to hang out with that person. I'd rather get taken for 50 bucks or embarrassed than sit in that anger and be disturbed. About it and fear. And oh my God, poor me, self-pity. Let it go. Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments. The more I expect the world to be fair to me and its people to be fair to me, the more hurt I'm going to get, the more upset, angry I'm going to get. Recovery creates this gap when anger comes in, when I feel anger arising. And this is where meditation helps too. It helps you stop and analyze and label your emotions. So whenever anger comes up, I'm doing that thing again. This is the voice in my head. Oh, I better, settle down. I better pray. I better meditate. I better breathe. There's a space between anger and reaction. And the space gets bigger and bigger. The more I practice meditation, the more I work on my recovery program. Let it pass. Analyze it. Don't sit in it. Don't sit in your shit. So a couple of tools to regulate anger in the moment. Pause before words or action. Like I said, notice that emotion coming up. Oh, I'm getting angry right now. I wonder what this is about. Slow the exhale. So breathe. Just watch your breath. Deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Ground the body. Feel something. Touch it. Just be present. Use your senses. Smell. Taste. Hearing. Sight. Touch. Sometimes you might need to step away physically. Go for a walk. This is a great trick. Sometimes you might need a temperature change. Splash your water with cold face. Sometimes you need movement to discharge the energy. Yell into a pillow or go for a walk or run on the treadmill. Go to the gym. Let it out. Don't need clarity first. You need regulation first. So a couple ways to process resentment without bypassing it and ignoring it. Writing it out. No censoring. Just write it all out in your journal. Get angry at your journal. Write it out. Clear the mental bandwidth in your head. Two, identify your part. So important. I have a part in all situations in my life. Doesn't mean it's my fault, but I play a part. Either I'm not forgiving the person or I'm not forgiving myself or I'm not making amends. There's two things that happen in life in recovery. And it's either anything that happens to me in recovery, I have to do two things and I can simplify it like this. Anytime anything happens that I'm disturbed about, it's either I forgive the person and move on or I make amends for something that I did if it was my mistake. And it's important to bounce it off people too because I can think that I'm right about everything. Bounce it off someone you trust. Ask them, hey, can I run something by you? What do you think about this? Is this guy being a jerk or an asshole? And then it's, oh, he's being a jerk. Forgive him. And that doesn't mean going up to him and saying, hey man, I forgive you. Just in your soul, in your gut, just wish the best for the person. Forgive them. It's hard, but it works. And if I fuck up, I'm going to make amends. I'm going to apologize. Hey, I screwed up there. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't have called you that name. I shouldn't have embarrassed you. Third, try to name the unmet need. So something is missing here. What do I need? Do I need food? Do I need sleep? Do I need a conversation, coffee, walk? Do I need to remove myself from the situation? Do I need to love myself and give myself a hug? Maybe. Fourth, decide what boundary is required now. So maybe I need to set up a boundary. Maybe I need to tell this person not to make fun of me in public around other people. Maybe I need to not hang out with this person. Resentment fades when responsibility replaces rumination. One more time. Resentment fades when responsibility replaces rumination. Emotional sobriety is the real work here. And I have a whole episode about emotional sobriety. Check it out. Emotional sobriety is learning to feel without reacting. So noticing, being aware, being present, paying attention, being awake, instead of letting the trains in the station just sit and fester in your brain. Let them go by. It will pass. This too shall pass. Anger handled skillfully becomes self-respect. Resentment released creates peace, not weakness. I'm not weak for forgiving people in my life. I'm free. I am not less than because I'm letting people live their lives, live and let live. I am free. I'm not better or worse than. I am free. And to be honest, that's all I really want in this life. I'd want to be undisturbed. I want to be free. I want to be calm and peaceful and serene. I want serenity. It comes with a price and the price is working on it, being honest about it, asking for help when you need it. So in closing, you don't need to get rid of anger. You need to learn to learn how to listen without letting it drive. Stop letting your emotions drive the bus. Turn the wheel over to a power greater than yourself. Follow the direction of others before you and what they have done. All of this stuff in recovery, everything in recovery is I'm not telling anyone to do anything. They're all suggestions. These are all things that I do and I did to get and stay sober. Nothing is forced upon you here. Nobody is telling you this is the way you have to do this by my program. This is just what I did and continue to try to do every day. It's the best of my ability. And I'll leave you with this recovery. Yesterday's recovery doesn't keep today. So what have you done for me lately? It's like sales. I can't stay sober off of yesterday's meetings. I can't stay sober off of yesterday's service. Every day I wake up, I start my bank account at zero. If I have a zero, the more good actions I take towards my recovery, meetings, calling people, doing service, I am depositing into that spiritual bank account. The more, so if I relapse, if I have a using thought and I don't tell anybody about it, if I go to an old bar where I used to hang out and even though I didn't drink, you hang around the barber's chair long enough, you're going to get your haircut. I am withdrawing from my spiritual bank account. Where are you at spiritually? Where is your bank account at today? Be aware. It starts fresh tomorrow. Let's do this thing together.
Speaker 1Recovery is simple, not easy. On any journey using Uber, it helps to know you're getting into the right car. Pin verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride. Before the trip begins, your app gives you a unique pin. Just tell it to your driver and they'll enter it in their app before the ride can start. Hey, what's your pin? 2538. That way, you know you're in the right car taking the right trip and your driver knows you're the right passenger. Make sure your ride is your ride with pin verification from Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. Close your eyes,
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