Andy Dick | Club Random with Bill Maher

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I might run for the door if you touch my calf like you did at lunch. I'm not allowed to touch me. Weirdly, I think that too. Dex syndrome. Really? About me or you? About you, Jesus Christ. Well, and today's episode I've been transported to the chair as opposed to my usual entrance where the gold diggers two on each side bring me in. Oh they do? Remember the gold diggers on the Dean Martin show? No. No, you don't remember Dean Martin? Well yeah, but you know we're about the same age I think. No, I'm 10 years older I think. Older? Well yeah. Because you look younger than me. I didn't know about that. Wait, you're 60? No. I'm 70. Oh, okay, wow. Yeah. So I always looked up to you. I get it now. Well, because no, but I really always did. Remember I was always so excited to be on your show when I was on the radio and you had your little shows. I mean, I know you've been through the mill. I put yourself in the mill and we can get to that. I love working at a good mill. But like from the beginning, you always were like, you know, when you were there, you were one of the best as far as like a comic actor. I don't like talking in the past like was one of the, you know, I still feel like I am. Well, then do something now. I'm trying. Yeah, no, you're still very employable. In fact, it's a great story. It's all I read this country's fucking love. Thank you. Redemption. Yeah. A good comeback. It's Dick like it's Harry Reeves in 1978. Dangling right here down in my knees. So look, we can, we're doing that. They've been shooting this movie on me. They're here now somewhere. They wouldn't let them in. You don't want to let them in here, which is fine shooting movie about you. Me for six years, over six years. It's called the little angel clown who. That crop, but that's that's someone I'm talking about. I'm talking about get a part. Oh, okay. Do what you do. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I agree. I agree. Why am I talking to Paulie Shore about doing in that? Because that was my first big fucking studio movie, really big movie in the Army now. You remember? You forgot. It was so long. I, of course, but it was Paulie Shore. And I thought, what if we did in the Army now again? Because we're at work with the same kind of war. Now that that that movie was about 20 years. Isn't that interesting? And we should write that movie. And we could be generals or I don't know why. You should, I shouldn't, but you should. It's because somebody involved in your life. I'm not sure I was crazy about the first one. No, no, I know. You know, I mean, but when you were on like the Ben Stiller, that's my Andy Dick of all time. Because that was like a tour de force every week. The first of all, the show itself. Yeah. You know, I watched it like fairly recently. Like six or seven years ago, they maybe 10 years ago. They showed it on some cable show. I don't know. I don't think it was that. But yeah, maybe yes, it was. I think it was. To be your plued. No, no, I think it was pre that it was regular old cable TV. And boy, do they stand up? And boy, are they funny? And you and Bob Odenkirk and Sarah Engoroff and Gene O'Roll. What a, you know, they talk about the Mel Brooks, you know, that Woody Allen writer's room. Yeah, this was like a little that. I mean, it was a real 27 Yankees life. And you know, Judd Apital. Of course. The head fucking right. Yes, and Judd Apital, we're helping you. Yeah, so it was, and he and I, so I've had a falling out with all of those people, but a coming back also. So I've been like, with me, they're like, oh, no. And you know what I think that's all about? It's about they don't want to be, they don't want to touch me. They don't want to be, if I'm doing something. No, it shouldn't be doing. It's about you've demonstrated a million times that you were a crazy drug addict. That's what it's about. Let me tell you something. And what's the problem? But you don't seem like that at all now. But you're going to have to prove that. It's been a while since I've done drugs. Even smoke bottles can ask you. What about the thing on the sidewalk recently? Well, I was like three or four months ago. Well, that's a long time ago for me. Oh, I got to say, job one, we've got to switch this attitude. That's a long time. That is not a long time. That's a short time. It was about five months ago. OK, as long as we're counting in months, we're so losing this battle. Yeah, yeah. We got to think long-term, like forever. And you know, by the way, I thought I was smoking pot on the curb with people. But is this how your mind works? Somebody was smoking out of a glass pipe. I've said, is that pot? But it wasn't. And they were strangers. And I smoked it. And it was fentanyl. It was fentanyl. And I'd promptly died. Do you know that? I didn't know that it was fentanyl. Well, I guess it was so forcing. So many ways I should kick you in the nuts. For you've been posing that as my problem. You know, yeah, let's go right. Let's just let's not roll over this. Let's go right back to don't smoke a stranger's pipes through. True, nah. No, no, it's really. I shouldn't have. Here's my important. I think I was trying to escape from. By the way, I was. I was escaping from the guy who's here now doing that movie on me. So I was trying to get away because they don't let me do anything. Have fun or drink or anything. And I just ran across the street because they were all in a restaurant. I saw all these guys gathering around on the curb smoking. And I'm like, shit, I'm supposed to fuck about. Ran out, ran across the street. Like, it's how I sounded. And I sat on smoke and died. And you were escaping your handler. If you want to call me Handler, is they? Some of them have Handler. You were just escaping reality. I always am doing that. Okay, but so that was my question. This is an important question. Okay, I'll kind of like you. Because you, with the three or four months, five months, it was a long time ago, is that where your mind always is? Like, you really don't ever think this is going to be permanent. It's just a period in the cycle where you're sober, but you just know and you're not even going to, therefore, fight it that hard. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Your question is so long. I could have said it. Yes, but very earlier. Is it true? Much earlier. Well, yeah, I'm not, I do not, if you're asking, am I going to stay sober for the rest of my life? There's no fucking way. And I would never want to be. Would you? No, but I don't take it to you. No, but I don't want to. No, but I don't die on the sidewalk. Okay, that was. It's called the fentanyl mishap. But it's not that. It's not a mishap. I know this just from when you were at my house. Do you remember that party where you left all that broken glass in the back? Yeah. I apologize. And I didn't leave that I threw a bottle, a beer bottle, which is retarded. And, but it was into woods. There were tons of woods. I didn't even know it was your prop. No, you were. There were trees, like we all have trees in our yard. There weren't like woods. You were tripping. So by the fucking tree or two. It's a little red, too. Here we go. Woods, yeah. We were deep in the forest by my soul. It seemed like it to me. In Bel-Air. Wait. It was interesting. It was rustic as it always was. Anyway, I don't care about that, too. But what are you doing? I have all these notes for you. Notes? Oh, I have. I wrote a five. I've never had something to remember. Come here with notes. Well, I have, I wrote some limerakes in the car on the way here. Oh, right. Yeah. You know, this isn't "Fallon." I'm a little bad at it, baby. I mean, is it? Oh, yeah. This is like a show where you just try to get to know people. Remind us. This is a show where we. Yes. I tried it to make it almost. or completely exactly like how we would be. And I feel like we've achieved that so far. I mean, because I really do like you and care about you. And you always thought you. No, always that you were a giant talent. And like, and charisma. Yeah. I mean, no matter what you do, people will care about you until the day you die on the sidewalk. No. No, none of that. And you can laugh at yourself. Which is a great. It's really not funny, but you're right. I did die. I was like, "Okay, but don't do it again." Charisma, I was listening to that. Yes, you have. The hidden brain on the way here. -Okay. -With by Shaki Ding Dong Redonkan. -Oh, well, I'm sure. -Shinkan. -The Indian guy on PCR. -His name is what? -Shaki Ding Dong Femalama Redonkan. -The Indian guy. -I know, right? -Shankan Femalama. -I feel like ding. -And he has a whole thing on charisma. I was listening to it on the lamp. And it was -- Oh, interesting. Because there were different types of charisma, charisma. -Oh, you said -- I thought you said "her charisma." Is that a different variation? -No. -You said it. -I messed up. No. -Oh, charisma. -Maybe that's like a feminine -- -Is what you heard, yeah. -A charisma. -Maybe I have a little charisma. -Oh, well, I always thought I was really gay, Andy. -Yeah. -I think I thought you heard it. -If anybody reads gay, it's me. -Yeah, it really is. But you've never thought about that. -Oh, I thought about it. I've certainly never been tempted to do it. But, you know, people are -- -You thought -- You thought, like, what would it be like? And then -- -And you get grossed out. -Yeah. -Yeah. -I can understand that. -Just like -- -If I thought about it, I get grossed out. I don't think about it. I just go part. -But you're like the ancient Romans. -Yes. -So -- -In many ways, you wear a cape. -I mean, a cloak. -No, you -- The Roman civilization did not make a large -- In order to -- the Greeks, Nor Alexander Great, the Great, the Macedonia. They did not make a giant, strong, bold line between what we would call gay and heterosexual sex. -Yeah, it was just sex. -It was just sex. And it was just -- if you're cute. And, I mean, Alexander the Great, I don't think would have thought himself gay. He was a stri-san fan. -We know that. -But other than that, I saw a man, and I'm not gay. But, you know, he -- his lovers that we know of were his generals. -And you really don't know if you're gay. Because you never tried it. You never went for it. It was so wrong to you. It was so like, you can't do it. You can't do it. It's so wrong on every level. Politically, you're very political. -Right. I've read that about myself. -Yeah. -You had a lot about that in here, I do. -But -- -Okay, you know what I mean? -Like, you can't be gay. You're not -- You want a lawyer. -But I feel like you're shading this more toward the -- -More current view, which is that it's more of a social construct. And I, I'm on the opinion that, no, you couldn't be -- I couldn't be more supportive of anyone who wants to be whatever they want to be. But there also is a default setting for humans, which is built into our biology because that's how we make babies. -Yeah, nature wants us to do one thing above all, make babies. -Yeah. Right. And we can't make one, Andy. -We can try. -I'm just kidding. But, yeah, you're -- So, you remind me of, you know, like, all, like, Jack Parr and who's the one I'm thinking of? -I'm complimenting. -Alyn -- Steve Allen. -Did you like him? -Yeah. -Steve Allen was my original mentor when I was little. -Oh, in real life, yeah. -In real life, yeah. -Wait. You were -- You knew him? -Oh, very well. -Oh, Jesus Christ. -Oh, yeah. You really embody me. -Yes. I mean, for people who don't remember -- I mean, I don't remember. He was the host of The Tonight Show. -Yeah, he was the original. -Yeah, it was like there was an audience. -Yeah, no one -- Why -- -No, no, no. That's the genius of this. -But I'm asking like, "I'm just -- I'm just -- It's just us." -It's frightening, almost. -That's good. But he was the original -- -Yes, the number one. -When -- When the original The Tonight Show. He was the original -- -In the Johnny Carson, the original -- -In the first -- -In the first -- when it started. -Right. -He passed -- -That's how that. -Right. He passed the torch to this guy, Jack Parr. -Mm-hmm. -Past it to Johnny in the early '60s, and he lasted 30 years, and then Jay Leno. And that's the history of The Tonight Show. But Steve Allen, this is the '80s. So he had long passed when he was host of The Tonight Show. He did have other talk shows, but he never achieved the kind of success with The Talk Show outside of those first few years when he invented it. That Johnny did, that Leno did. He was kind of -- I mean, by the -- -But did he do? He did everything. You know, he was a jack-of-all-trades, which was part of his problem. He was a songwriter, and he was a poet, and he wrote a million books, and he did Vegas, and, you know, stand-up, and -- -So cool. -Yeah, but it was -- -And kind of political. So you really are like -- -And not political, but -- -But you're not political, but you have political view. -Well, I'm very political. -Oh, you are, Jack. -You're very -- -So, like, he might want to ask who you voted for. -Who did you vote for? -Oh, God, you know nothing about me. -I don't. -Oh, because I'm not political, because I'm, like, dumb politically. -Because you're -- -Past out on the sidewalk is why you're not political. That's why you -- -So there is no one here. -There is no one here, which is why -- -Which is, like, one of those -- -My worst columns. -That is my worst demographic, by the way. -That guy, you laugh? -But that's hysterical. Yeah. No, I'm -- The show is very -- -It just crapped on you, I'm laughing. -The show is very political, but you're -- -Your other show, this one's on. -Right. This one's not. Exactly. This is why I did this one, so it doesn't have to be. -Yeah. So you could listen to him. -If it goes there, it goes there. -Yeah, I know. -And I'm not political, so I was trying to, like, I'm asking you to teach me -- -I will. -What's going on, like -- -I will. -So Trump -- So, like -- -Okay. -Here's how I think of Trump. -Yeah. -He is a corrupt -- -Don't forget I had that thing with his daughter, on Jimmy Kimmel. -What do you mean, a thing? -I touched her thigh, like that. -Which bear thigh on Jimmy Kimmel. -And there was a big controversy. -Is it Ivanka? -Yeah, Ivanka. -What year was this? -It was before he was president. -So, I think he would have kicked me out of the country. -He would. -And you were sitting next to her on the couch? -Yeah, because I was the first guest and she came on, and I just wanted to stay. -Right, but -- Oh, you were supposed to stay. -Yeah. -That's what I think. -You moved down the couch. -Yeah, I was just wondering. -Yeah, that was okay. -Right next to her calf. -But -- -And I just -- -We did something -for Trump to be touching her, like -- -They were shimmering. -Oh, they were just there. -No, but she had, like, this makeup that had glitter. -And I'm like, "Why are your legs crawling to me?" -Right. -And they were shimmering, and I just -- -I thought maybe it came up in conversation, or it was a joke. But you're saying, "No, just like an animal." -They were shimmering. -Just like an animal. -Like a raccoon. -You were showing the object. -Yeah. -Okay, as long as we got that. -That's right. -Oh, yeah. -Just that. -And then the -- -Okay, you can't do that, Andy. -You can't do that. -Oh! -Tell me all the things they can't do. -You can't do that. You can't. You can't. You can't. -What about Dad? Okay. -If you had me when you were 10. -I didn't know you were 10 years older than him. -Did you have a while? -I thought we were the same age, like, the exact same age. -Did you have a rough upbringing? Can we blame it on that? -Yes, actually. It was rough in that my dad was in the military. I think you know this. He was a Lieutenant Commander on a submarine in the Navy. And so we moved almost every year. -Every year. -Oh, that was tough. -Yeah, that makes it tough. But it makes me, like, like, to be on. You know, if I'm going to be friends with anyone, I had to, you know, be -- And if they'd all come to me. So I was a constant -- I didn't want an audience. I always was the person that -- Tell me, who's this little faggot? -Right. -You know, and then I had to be like, "Hey, guys, new guy!" -Right. And it was really -- -That's interesting. -Aurethic. Like, every time I'd be plopped into a new school, I was petrified. -And it was all over the country? -All over, and Yugoslavia. -Because I lived in Yugoslavia when I was 12. -What part of Yugoslavia? -Zogra, outside of Zogra. -That's pro-Asia. -Now it is. -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah. -And they've been through a bunch since then. Since I was 12, it was Yugoslavia when I was 12. -Yeah. -1976 and '77. -Were they nice? I think they were with the Nazis in the war. [ Laughter ] -I thought if I don't -- -No, there wasn't -- [ Laughter ] -Not mistaken. -No, it wasn't. -Not holding a grudge forever, though, asian. -I mean, Tito was the -- -Tito was Yugoslavia. -But that's where I was. -Yes, I understand. -In Yugoslavia, it was Yugoslavia at the time. And Tito was the president, not the dictator. He was the president. -And then it all got punched up. And before I was there, it was Cercro-Cro-Asia. -Yes. -Herzogovina. -Yes, that was Yugoslavia. Was it -- -I was there one year, all the year. -Was a quilt of six different countries. -Mm-hmm. -There was -- We're Melania's from Slovenia. Luca Donkic, also, from Slovenia. -Oh. -And there was -- -Yeah, and there -- -Well, that's interesting. -And when I'm touched, was I touching Melania's daughter's leg? -No, Melania is not a monk's mother. -Oh, okay. -Well, that's the same kind of leg. -We started at the beginning. The president is this guy, Donald Trump. -Oh, yeah. -He was a game show host. -No, he wasn't. -Well, I mean, the apprentice -- -Oh, that's right. [ Laughter ] -Now, you're really crap. [ Laughter ] -It was a game show host. -Yeah. But, you know, that's where America is. And, you know, I mean, we have a complicated relationship. Both myself and the country. -Do you think you would ever run for president? -Of course not. -Because you would be afraid to lose first of all. -First of all, because you don't want it. You don't want to be the president. -I don't want to be. I'm too old to be too old. -The 70? -Is that too old? -Okay, why do you look so young, given that you drink and smoke so much pot? [ Laughter ] -Why do you want to my lyric, Limerick's? Because it has to do with that. -Yes, yes, I do. -I'll do one. -Oh, yes, you -- I spent all this time on that, see. Oh, here's something on a note about me that my teeth aren't in the middle of fixing them, so that's why I'm not not smiling along. I'm going like this, because my teeth literally, if I smile, it looks like the before picture in the dental implants commercial. You know those commercials before and after, before dental implants, they look like this. I'm not going to show them. And then after they look all nice. Why? See, this is why we have to get you working to fill your hours with connoct, doing something constructive. I'm just talking. You know what, I need to construct or my fucking teeth, I need dental implants. Well, here's the thing, here's the thing. Get something going. And quickly, there was a man named Bill Marr. Oh, quickly became quite the story. He's politically pointed and he drank and joined it. And had to trade in his car for a bar. That's why that one's OK. OK, it was off to a great story. Yeah, Bill Marr was a politics shmews who loved his pot and booze when asked by Dick if he could have a slick. He said one lump or two. Bill Marr knew the anti-dick dance and asked him on his show by chance while Bill drank and smoked. And he just joked and surprisingly never took it out of his pants. That one doesn't-- that's just-- it's a joke on me, really. Oh, but that was kind of clever, right? It is. And we have to, you know, you can't give into the haters and the people who just always want to find something. And people who frankly just don't have a sense of humor. And I think, you know, most people do, you know-- They do. Here's another thing. I'm sure you missed-- oh, first of all, one thing before Biden. He was the president before Trump. And he was like super old. And that was the big issue in the campaign. The big issue. Yeah, oh, you knew this. No, but I-- no, because you know, I don't know politics. But every time he would talk or whatever, I'm like, got that guy. How has he run into the country? Then it had to be explained to me that he's not. All the people under him are running it. Well, he's not. And he was just a weird old man puppet, like one of the guys in the balcony of the Muppets, those two old men in the balcony. He was one of them. I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he couldn't even talk. Well, Andy, you're-- this truth in this pile of dirt you just dumped on my driveway. There's a few little nuggets I could do yet. He still wasn't broken back this time. I believe me, it was one of those things where I was like, oh, you know what, a guy named Dick made a dick move. And everybody already thinks he's a dick. And now I do, too. And I never thought about it again. I'm trying it, but-- I apologize, and because-- No, I mean, you were saying. And that lasted like a week. And ever since then, it was-- it never in my brain. I knew that you were a guy who was trying to get better. And, you know, people have-- I have, you know, like, it kind of breaks my heart a little when I hear you say, you know, like, no, please, I'm never going to not go back to the drugs. Because you know it's a russian who let, and at one point-- I know. Yeah. But it's not that I'm going back to the drugs. I don't want to-- I do have a thing in my head and a promise to myself to not go back to any white powder, any white powder, because that was the thing. I saw a white powder. I thought it was cocaine. Not cocaine, it can be fentanyl, it can be meth. Right. It can be a lot of different things. We crushed up. So what are you going to stick to? Now, what is this? Hot. Yeah, I can smoke that. I'm allowed to do whatever I want, by the way. I feel-- of course, you are allowed. You're 60. I just come, I feel like a terrible enabler. But it's like, please, if it's not me, I mean, like, you couldn't get pot somewhere. I'm scared if you want to-- you know what? If you just would stick to pot. But here's what I'm saying. It's like, it seems to me as-- We're doing something now. I'm enjoying myself immensely. I think you-- OK, so-- but see, this isn't an issue for me. I enjoy life. You know-- Me too. OK, but if you don't enjoy life-- If you put shrimp in-- But if you-- I enjoy life. OK, bear the one. But if you can't enjoy life like this, then why do the-- then why smoke somebody's fucking crack pipe, you know what I mean? That was a mistake, because I was trying to get away from those people I was with. The only way to do it was to smoke a stranger's bike. Well, I wanted to go smoke some pot. I really thought it was pot. I didn't know that we were in this world of-- I had heard-- this was like fentanyl's kind of new. And I didn't know you could smoke fentanyl. I thought it was an injection. It's about as new as knowing Biden was old as new. You don't know anything. You're like-- I don't try to-- You're like the guy in the movie. Remember the Peter Sellers movie being there? Yeah. You do? Well, you could bounce it. You see, like, that is a good idea. For you to me do. That is actually a brilliant idea. It's a good fucking thing. Do you remember that movie? It was so celebrated. And that's my favorite actor of all. It's so iconic. And you could remember seeing it as a kid. And I'm not liking it. Like, it was boring, but you know what I mean. I think the only thing that could stop this from being a big hit is insurance. See, can you get in-- Funny they don't say that. And you get in-- Yeah, that's a good question. That's-- you have to work on-- Well, we're working on that. You know, just me getting on. You have to rehabilitate your reputation. Oh, no, I know. And then you can get-- but people-- That's why I'm doing your goddamn fucking show, dude. Well, this is the rehab show. We-- we-- we rehab people here all the time. You did? I, yes. I love doing your-- Like who? Army Hammer, Rosanne, Kathy Griffin, Charlie Sheen. Well, how did you-- Anybody who's like-- Oh, you mean like, oh, oh, because they got ousted. Yeah. Yeah, by people. And we call it canceled now, Grandpa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were around, it was ousted. I don't know if you know that, kids. I go, oh, my God. I hope I'm not going to get ousted. Was that a turn back then? No, my God. No, I think I just came up with this. It's actually better. Yeah, it is. But you-- Are the right can soldiers of the war turn? Cancel. And-- The thing is that, yeah, they try. They have tried so hard to cancel me. I'm uncancelable. Well, if you can't work, you are canceled. I mean, if you can't do the move you want to do, that's kind of the definition. You're right. But I'm working on that. OK. Right here in this fucking seat. That's what I do. Oh, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you let me. You know how many people want to know? Well, of course. Yes. Well, that's what cancellation means. I know. And-- But I'm not fully canceled, as my point. There's a lot of-- Not fully. And the doors cracked open a little bit. And I will slip my scrawny ass in there. [LAUGHTER] I love making you laugh. I love it, too. I love making you laugh. It's smile. If I love this show, I just sit here and laugh. It's so good. But so-- Wait, who-- now, who was your last guest or your last couple? The one you can think of, right? Top of your head. Pope Francis. No. Not the next-- No. He didn't even Pope anymore. But you had-- But I didn't-- Yes, and he-- the Pope is sitting right there. Oh, you never know. He had to put his hat down. It kept hitting the ceiling. [LAUGHTER] No, I mean, we have-- It's called Club Random. It's-- it's-- it's-- it's could be anybody. Ziggy Marley was here last week. That's who was here last week. Yeah, oh, wow. Yeah. And you-- It's been speaking out of Smoke Pop. I'm allowed to smoke Pop. No, he didn't do it. Oh, he didn't? Is he sober? Well, it's one of the fascinating things about that interviewer. Because no, he-- it's apparently it's a-- in the roster tradition, because it's quasi-religious. Yeah. Therefore, you don't do it, just with anybody in any situation. It's having fun. I even said to him, if I joined the religion, will you do it with me? But he didn't take me up on that all. I guess they're not that desperate for converts to roster. But-- Oh, would you have to do it? I guess you might have to give up a baby. It would be like a Catholic just sitting around and taking communion. It's a-- which is-- Yeah, well, you're taking communion? No, I'm Rastavarian. No, you-- wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you hard-core Catholic? I'm hard. You never-- That's all I want. That's because I'm on the show. Are you-- do you go to church still? No, I'm the world's most famous atheist, you moral. Oh, I forgot. Jesus Christ. I know. My memory is slippy, you know? Or if you ever knew. I'm not insulting, because you don't remember anything. No, I don't even remember anything. I mean, if you insult-- I had the hawk tour girl on. She knew more. Who? The hawk, too. You don't know what the hawk tour girl is? No. Did she go hawk, too? Yeah, she was just spit on someone. Well, she described it. And it went viral. And she just became this enormous celebrity for 10 minutes. She was talking about, you know, I mean, it's sad, in a way, because-- Why? Well, because-- Did she spit on you? She walked, too. No, no, she did not. She just described how you needed to do the spitting sound, to do a good blowjob. And what was sad is that we turn kids out of high school, and they have no other skills than knowing how to suck a dick. I mean, it's just, we've let our children down. You've got kids, right? Yeah, and grandkids. Grandkids, isn't that something? How old are the grandkids? Well, I was just with the littlest. There's two grandkids one coming. a few months out of my daughter. Can you say that phrase out of my daughter? - Well, I mean, assume, yeah. - Through all girls. All my grandkids are girls. - And they're little by themselves. - Yeah, one of them's about one or two and one of them between one and one. - Between zero and one. - Well, I don't do have to know they're fucking exact age. I know I have three. - There's still one. - One come two and a half, one coming. - They're still babies. - Yeah, they're little babies. - Yeah, babies. And then you're kids. - I can bun kick the middle one real good. (laughing) - And do you take the kind of special glee that we see so often? I'm asking sincerely that we see so often in American and anywhere in the around the world. People grandkids, I mean. - It really is. - Because someone who never got married and hasn't been anywhere near. - That's what I get sad for you about. Because you are missing out. I actually could cry. 'Cause it really is a sweet and spoken thing. No, you don't, for real real. You know, when my granddaughter sees me and any of the two right now and the third one coming, she immediately beams up, smiles, and will even have. And there's nothing better. - Did you have that with your kids as well as the grade? - Yeah, I still have that with my kids. - Really? - But usually they're laughing at me. (laughing) - But now. - But now I have that. My kids in a little good relationship. - Yeah, yeah. But there's been a-- - No, they don't know. - They've taken, they've been like, no. He's not even my dad. - They do never really said that, but it's gotten to that. - Well, I'm asking, do they distance themselves from you? - They have, yeah. - And one of them is. - Publicly untrivedly or just publicly? - Both. - Both, you know. - See, in a lot of ways you're lucky you never had kids, but I would say it's way luckier to have. - It depends on your personality. I mean, there's no-- - But you have the personality that a kid needs. - This fucking, excuse me, America and every kid in America needs a you. - Okay. - You're not, you're only 70. - Yeah. - It's about, it is the cutoff point. You can still get a hot young girl who's smart, cool, young, and young to you with 40. - I have it. And she doesn't want kids either, so it's great. - That's great. - No. - What about the dogs? - Nice little black kid. (laughing) - I don't know what's funny. - That is so racist. (laughing) - I have a black boyfriend, you could a dog. - Do you have a boyfriend? - I have people I see, but can I tell you something? Can we talk about sexuality a little bit? In terms of my sex life, in terms of my dick being dead. Now, is that happening to you? Because my dick is dead. I can't even masturbate. So I'm looking at those ads they have for testosterone boosting, and she'll like that. Did you do that? - No, of course not. - I have to do some fucking thing or give up sex altogether. - No, I just think sometimes you need a reboot. First of all, you need to get clean. I guess you are now, right? Don't you notice? - And I'm not taking medication. - I don't know. - I'm in good, because maybe I'll sprint. 'Cause they say it's good for our hearts. - You do know that the illegal street drugs you did, there's always a, what? - I didn't, that I did, I did, I accidentally did the fentanyl. - Okay, I wasn't doing illegal stuff. I wasn't right around in Tanswold. - I was, I did tell them. - Let's not have a debate on whether you need drugs in your past. Okay, let's just, let's see at the time. - So, but there's always a counterpart that's the legal version of you. There's the, you know, you can go to the MacArthur Park and get the, what do you call it? - That's where the blue tent is. - What do you call it? - The white lady, is that what you call it? That's what we do down at the, the white lady, down at the station, or you, or you're a slave to the white lady, the hair on. - But you want some hair on? - I mean, cocaine is out of roll. - They don't even have cocaine anymore. Why is that? - This is what I need you. - Who doesn't? - As a political type person. - 'Cause that's what you are. A political type person. - Exactly, you know, you're on the money. - Yeah, you're a political type person. - You know, what's up? And you know, you, you, it's already told me, 'cause I asked you, you're not gonna run for anything, which should have been known. - No, I think that's ridiculous. I think you should, you'd be helping us. - I might run for the door if you touch my calf, like you did a long time ago, but that's it. - Oh, see, so I'm not allowed to touch people. - No, there's a bunch of rules. - None of us are allowed to touch people. - I think that's weird. - Well, it's not weird. - Yeah, it is. - It's not weird. - I didn't wish we were a hog. - Yeah, but it has to be a producer. - It has, both of them, male one and the female one. - Yeah, and we're friendly, we're normal, you'd be. - Yes, and we're processing the claims now. - Anyway, Andy, it has to be a. - Where do I sign? - It has to be a. - I'll sign with my dick and bastard. - It has to be a mutual thing. - No, I know, you know. - I know that, I guess. - You're right, you're right, you're right. - Let me just say this. I have heard people make the case. I'm not gonna name names, but. - But it's not me. - But it's not you, okay. - But I've heard people who have been accused of being way too handsy on the set, shall we say. - Yeah. - And the excuse I've heard more than once is, I'm a hugger, and I just want to say to them, "You know what, let's try this experiment. "If they hug you first, then feel free to hug." - Yeah. - And let's see how that works. If you're not always the one that's getting the good one, because if somebody hugged me first, I'd be weirded out, 'cause nobody hugs me. - But that's when you're doing to them. - But I see what you're saying. If somebody hugged me, I'd be weirded the fuck out. But I don't. - I think we're making so much progress. - But that's the thing is that people come to me with open arms now. You're pretty, one of them, both of them. - We're like. - I hugged it. - Did I. - Yeah, sure. - Okay, okay, we like you. - Thank you. - I don't need a hug. - You know what? I don't need shit. This show that I do, this podcast. - How do I do it? - It's doing great, and I do it 'cause I love it. So I wouldn't ever have anybody here. I don't really want her to talk to. - I don't need to. - I'm telling you what the. - That's so cool that you have me. - I really appreciate it. - You know what I mean? - I know, and you have a bunch of it. - You do, and what you do. - You know what? - We're sitting in his guest house, which is bigger. - No, then the fucking. - No, it's not. - This is nothing. - This is sober living. - This is nothing. - You know, I'm living in this sober living. - Oh, I had a great time. - Wait, no, I'm not. - I had another great idea for you. - Yeah, besides, we're doing being there, which is so good. - You would be perfect. - And my director's in the other room. - He's gonna. - You have to demonstrate your sobriety first. But here's my other idea. You've heard about Mickey work lately. - Know what happened now? Because he and I used to hang on a minute. Let me tell you a couple stories about him. He and I had a fucking great time in the '90s. - Yeah. - Right up into the 2000s. He was a very good. I love that fool. - I did. - And he was in my apartment, and I think downtown LA or West Hollywood, and he was. He was a handsome girl behind my couch. And I was watching TV, and I remember him getting up from behind my couch going, "I'm almost done." And going back down and. - Okay, that wasn't your apartment. It was Mel's Diner. - And it was in all the papers, so I don't know. - Oh, no, no. He's kidding. - Oh, that's. - But what happened to him? - He was Joe Biden's running me, and I. - That tree wasn't. - I can tell you anything. - I know. I don't know anything. I believe everything is fine. - After the spaceships went. Here's what happened. - What? - Biden pulled out of the race because they said, "We need somebody younger." Then Mickey work. - He did not. - Now Mickey got. He was living in a house that was not a good-looking house. Not a good. - He's not. - And he was photographed as a mess. - He's not looking well. - Well, he's older. - He's not looking. - He's looking close to the door. - We look good. - And there was a story, and I think he refuted it. I guess somebody started a go fund me so that he wouldn't get thrown out of this shitty house he was in. And he said, "I don't need your money." And he got thrown out of that space. - And he did. - My idea. You and Mickey work. - I love him. I'll do it in half a second. - Start a band. You know, something in the sidewalks. - What was that movie he did? It's one of my favorite movies ever. But not barfly. What a night and a half week. - Oh, he was in that one. - Pope Poverla Greenwich Village. - Both of them. And then there was another one about a bar with that girl. - News radio. - That's not a movie. - Oh, that's you. - Hi. - I knew that I was testing you. - Barfly. Not barfly. We have to look this up. - Mickey had a great. - He was nominated for an Oscar. - He's debut was in Diana. - No, it was the one, the punching one. - Okay. - Not in a half week. - Mickey Rork. - Wow. So many firsts. The first. - Mickey Rork movie. - Would it be funny if he got on the phone now? - Yeah. - Your phone thinks that you're calling him? - Yes. - Why don't you call him? - I don't have people's numbers anymore. Somebody went in my phone recently. - What do you mean somebody? - I don't know who. - Okay, well. - I've done so many fucking movies. You know, they get to the place where, and they mean, I don't know who. even me where you just do any fucking movies. - But she wants to do a movie, you're like final doing. - Here's the difference between you and me. - He was in the expendables, remember that? - I would, Iron Man too. - I would never say the sentence. - The wrestler. - That's the one I'm thinking of. - Somebody went to my phone. - Oh, this is such a personal, private, important thing. You're full. - But I'm not like you. If you want to look at the phone, I hand it to you in a half a second. - Why? - If you ask, 'cause you ask. - Don't do that. - Now I want to look at it. - But how can you have nobody's money? - Why don't you look right in my go-to-m right to my phone? - How can you keep my photos? - Why don't you look at my photos? - How can you keep friendships if you don't have people's numbers? - Hi. - Maybe sometimes I, that's how I keep them, I don't know. - Look, sometimes people are so afraid. - No, I'm not afraid, and I really like you, and I would love to give you my burner phone number. - Oh, okay. You have one here. - I don't know how to show my pictures. I'm trying to look at, oh here. - Look through my pictures and see if you find anything fun here. - Okay, well that's a man's ad. - Anyways, because, what am I looking for? - I don't know, just looking at any of my pictures. - This is cool. - Is there a man's ad center? - No, I mean, there's a pregnant lady with a very tall guy. - Oh, that's probably my daughter. - And you're going, oh yeah, now just super. - And you got like a million, this is your daughter, she's married to this very tall guy. - No. (laughs) - Oh, my daughter, who was that? - That's him, but she's sitting down. - No, she's sitting down. He's very tall, they're standing, okay. All right, so great, I'm so glad that you're, oh, get down. - Proud of your kids, that's important. It is, you know, you want to earn their love again, don't you? Isn't that a big motivation in your life? Would you say that was a big motivation? (laughs) - Okay. (laughs) - No, I'm going to get out these dolls, you show me where you were touched. (laughs) - But you didn't have an abusive childhood, right? - I mean, I'm not gonna say rough, but not about that. - Where I was telling him, sometimes I, I remember when I got my first colonic. - Is that what you're doing? - I'm in the back, laughs. - Is it? - Are you having some all the weird things in the wheel? - Is that what-- - I got a colonic because allegedly if you'd clean out the pipes. - I do it. - You're healthier. - Is that what turned you gay? You're like-- - No, no, no, no, no. I've never been, often, the bee. - Really? - Never. - No, never, never. - Never, never. - I know, but when they put that tube up there to clean me out, I had this weird panic attack. Like, I freaked out. And it was almost as if, am I having some kind of PTSD flashback type situation for something that happened to me as an infant because it had to have been, because I have no memory. And even when it happened, I didn't happen. - Well, I mean, Freud and Erickson would say that what happens in the anal stage, which is zero to two. I mean, there are stages. This is old book psychology, but I think it's probably still true. Certainly the anal stage, you don't have actual memory of it, but very-- - When you're first pooping? - Yes, exactly, zero to two. Like, how that was-- - Oh, okay, that makes-- - How you were treated, you know, did your mother let you lie there and your own shit, or did-- - You know, but you know what I think did happen, I think she wiped my butt too hard. Like, really trying to clean it, 'cause she was on, she was taking-- - Weirdly, I think that too. - Dexterous, really? About me or you? - About you. - Jesus Christ. But anyways, she was saying Dexterous, she's on speed, you know? - How do you know that? - She told me. - She was on prescription speed. - When you were born, you think she was high, when you were in the back. - Well, but I was adopted or remember that. - I don't, oh, you were adopted. - I found my biological, who were the wolves who raised you? - No, they were good, they're both sad. So laugh it off. - Do you know? - Do you know-- - Or will man. - Yeah, yeah, do you know who your real parents are? You do. - I waited for my mom and dad, who were really my mom and dad, 'cause they raised me. They raised me and then they died and then I'm like, "Now can I find out who these other people were?" - Can you? - That had an idea, I found them. - Was it hard to find? - It was, I had to pay money, I had to get lawyers and I found my mother first. And then my mom didn't want to give me the name of my dad because there was something that was involved, that was, they can talk about it. I'm not going to talk about what happened when I, why, how I was conceived or whatever. Do you understand what I'm saying? You can put two and two together. But then anyway, it finally sent me a letter with an envelope inside the envelope with his name and number on it. And that's a fucking weird. And I called him and he's my biological, are you following him? - Yeah, I'm listening. - And then I got in touch with him and he hung up the phone and said, I don't have a song and hung up on it. - Do you think he did it if we had a song? - No, he didn't know. - He didn't know who you were? - He didn't know he even had. - What? - He didn't know he had us any baby. - Oh. - So it wasn't. - She got pregnant, didn't tell him, went to an old, other state all the way across the country from one state to another. - So he didn't hang up. - He had me and then never told him ever. I was the first one to say, I'm your son. Can you believe not to put yourself in his shoes? - Yeah. - He hung up. I don't know what you aren't talking about. He has a taxis, he's from taxes. Buck, you, I don't know who you. You believe that? It's so real and true. - Well, I mean, it's a terrible way to handle it. - Well, he didn't know and he thought it was a joke. - No, I think it's a terrible way. - He's gonna go, oh, let me hear more. - That doesn't sound like he thought it was a joke to me. That sounds like he thought, I'm an old koot and I got this comfortable life and I don't need this big complication. - Yeah, that might be it. - I mean, maybe I fucked up. - You might be right because I think she did tell him. - If I fucked up 60 years ago, sorry, I don't even know that guy anymore, okay? - Many more, he never did. - Okay, no, I'm talking to himself. - Oh, right. - I don't remember who made my daughter old. - Yeah, and she was 16. - And he was 18, so I'm sorry. - They were the kids, they were kids. - Sorry. - They had me. - Right, sorry. - That's how you know I had good youth because they were young. (laughing) - Well, I'm a good, but at least he didn't hang up because it was you. - Right. - He just hung up because it was somebody. It could have been anybody. - Corey Feldman could have called him and he would have hung up. - I'm sorry, I don't know. - How's he doing? - I was gonna say, he's not certainly in the category of you and Mickey work. He's actually quite successful. - He's doing good. - Yeah, but I think a band like that of people like that could do very well. - Yeah. - You, Mickey, or anybody else? - Well, instrument, would you play? - I'm not in the band, no, I'm not in the band. - I would play. - I'm not using a little thing. - Does I have a instrument? - Oh my God, look at you. - Well, I have an instrument. - Who knew that you would be the most prepared guest? - I remember how. - They would take my brief case away. - What do you want? What do you want? - I played the slide whistle. - Yeah, I'm glad they took it away. - No, I mean, I love this slide whistle, who doesn't. I mean, to me, it's just Anya, Yani, and the slide whistle. And that's an M out. Anything else? I'm like, well, maybe, you know. - I was just listening to Anya. - Really? - What do you listen to Anya? - I love Anya. - Anya is very talented. - And there are some things. - There was something on her. - Oh, no. - And it's very, no, no, no. - No, some of it is very talented. - She lives in a castle. - This is why I subscribe or whatever to her Instagram, her Instagram, her real Instagram. - Oh, so you're on Instagram and you know who Anya is. - Well, I love Anya. She's great. - And she lives in a castle by herself, never married. - No. - She, oh my God, you and Anya, oh my fucking Jesus and dear Lord, so you can take your name and name and please dear God, please in the Catholic church, if you could, if I'm an ordained minister, I could marry you. Please let me marry Bill Mar and Anya. - Is Anya Irish? - Yes. - I'm Irish. - I'm getting chills up all the way up my back. - No, I mean, that's not it. - She lives in a castle that she owns. She lives with 30 cats, do you like cats? - No, that doesn't so you're gonna have to deal with the cats. - She's still beautiful. - In that cage. - And she lives in a castle that she owns like you. - Well, first of all, a castle. - Think about it, I'm not telling you to answer. I want you to think about it too. This is actually a really great idea. I, on the way here, and for no reason, Anya came into my Instagram, and I was looking, I was like, what's going on with her? I was, when I'm not on her, maybe. - Maybe we were here to put good ideas in each other's minds. You know, but I think mine are better. I think you're doing being there. - Well then, I'll marry Anya. - Is a great kind of man, but the castle. - But no, you've got to commit. - It's a show I'll re-act because I have to. - Yeah, yeah, anyway. (laughs) - I can hold it. - How long can you hold it, or do you want it? - 20 minutes. - It's perfect. - Okay. - But what else do you want on top? I'm just interested in you, what's your day like? - Now that you're living-- - I'm living, see, I can never know who I'm well to talk about, you know what I mean? Based, you know, because of that. I live with, well, like I'm living with an ex who I'm actually married to, a woman. - Uh, yeah, you like women. - My second, you know, my second baby mama. - Oh cool. - She doesn't like that phrase. - Right. - That title. - Sure. - Second baby mama, baby. First of all, baby mama alone. - And then second baby mama, you're really crap. Like, she's my wife, how do you like that? Do you like that? Does she like that? Who knows? - I can't call them anything. Am I right about that? (laughs) - Well, no. - You can't say anything. - Well, you can see-- - He's the one I love the most. - Okay, I can say that, which I really do. I do love him. - Oh, really? - I love him. - You think that you're soulmate? - Probably. - One of them. Are you allowed to have me? (laughs) - Well, that sort of negates the point. - Well, you're one of my soulmates. - Uh, well. - To me to them. - No, not actually. - No, but, you know, we're, we're basing that on a very brief amount of intercourse, social intercourse. What'd you think I meant? But any woman who gets with you is gonna know that sometimes, yeah, I was fascinated here. You say you never had sex in the naughty place. - Never. - See, when I think gay, that's what I think. Sex in the naughty place. - Exactly, and you don't think of me when you think gay, you don't think of me. - No. - No. - Fuck no. - Jesus Christ. - That's sharp. - No. - I'm serious. - Don't think that. - I'm a top. - Have you heard of that? - Who you wish I thought that. - Yeah, well. - No. - Okay. - So that just leaves oral. I guess that's enough, huh? - I have gotten that. Only be, only be, they, they want it. - But, everybody wants it. - I don't, I don't even want it to be done to me. - It has to be done right, or it's just not worth it, is what I would say on that. - Yeah. - That would be my. - pronounce it when he, I'm trying to stop you. I'm trying to help you out. - No, that is my pronouncement on blood jobs. It has to be done right. - No, it's not worth doing it all. - They're hitting girls out there. They can do it right. - You know what I'm talking about? - With the kind of loud sounds. - Sometimes. - I know, but it's not because I'm arrogant, it's just because we all have our own. - I remember some of your girlfriends when they get into a preference. I think, no, there's everyone in the world has the right to think the same way, and I think everybody else does think the same way. Like, I don't think so. - I think people get-- - Like, I don't like a blood job, and you do? - No. - You just said, I don't. - Okay, but I'm just saying-- - You know why? I don't, because I had so many in high school. So many, everybody was sucking my dick. - Really? - All the time. - Amen, girls. - Yes. - Really, you were that popular. If that's what the word you wanna use. - Well, it's certainly a word that would not apply to me in high school. No one was sucking my dick. - Well, it's popular, is that? I don't know if that-- - Yes, I was very sexual. - That's the word I would use. - I was very sexual. I was looking hard. I wanted people to suck my dick. - Oh, of course, again, all do. But what I'm saying is like, some people-- - You weren't popular? - No. - I was popular, but only because, like I told you before, I was plopped in a new, I was accidentally popular. That's what I was trying to get to earlier. Every time I moved to a new city, a new state, I was the new guy, and I was like, who's that guy? So I was like, accidentally popular. - But that's even interesting. - Yeah, I do, it's more, it's even-- - Like, okay, suck my dick. - It's even more impressive that you get to be-- - I'm the captain of the football team suckin' my dick. - You got strangers to do it. Like, you think, you know, if you're doing the school system since-- - I don't like the word stranger. It's like, there's like new friends. We were all kids. We were all young, teenager. - I think there is a difference between, even just our 10-year difference. I think there is a difference between me and high school in the early 70s and you in the early 80s. I do. I think there was a lot more of this kind of stuff. - There was? - Yeah, I think I love it. - I would think there was a lot more in the early 70s. - No, if they were not inviting me, you know. - Can I ask you a personal question? Do you like short and little and diminutive? - No, I can't. - You're like a little kid. - I was average, like I am now, just five. - But then you just weren't very sexual. - I was very sexual. I was-- - My libido was high and I was looking for it. - I was a magna. I think I had my smelled like a pheromone. - I was beyond sexual. It was just all happening with my hand in my bedroom. - See, I didn't learn how to masturbate. A guy had to teach me how to masturbate. - That's preposterous. - It's real. - I was doing it. - I didn't even know there was such a thing. I didn't even know there was such a thing of this coming. - I was doing it. - A friend said, "Let me show you. Let me show you. Let me show you. I'm doing it to you. Look, ghostly." And then I'm like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "What was that? That happened to me." - Boy, oh, okay. - And that was in high school. - The way these AI videos make it look like you're joking me off. It's just ridiculous, folks. Now, you know, you don't know what's real, folks. - Oh, I'm saying, have you heard about the war? - Did you see that? - Yes, I heard. - You did. - I saw those drones. - You heard, right? - Are those real? - Yes, and I know we're wrong. I saw those drones on the way here. I saw all those drones. I would make them make a whole, like, sword. There was all these different swords and things. - How do they do that? - The Chinese. - They're checked out. - Well, this is the Chinese. And then is that political? - Neither one of us needs the trouble. (laughing) - I want to feel great to see you. - So good to thank you. - Give me a hug. - No, no, no. - All right, so much for now. Remember all the things I said today? - No. - We made a lot of progress. - We did, didn't we? - And those lyrics are hysterical. I mean, it just shows when you like have something to do with your mind, you can do great things. Imagine if you put this energy into a script, you should go home and watch being there. - Yeah, you're right. - The old Peter Sellers movie, and then start thinking about-- - You're right, I did. - How you could read your-- - There was a couple of other ones, but they might. - Those those were-- - They were-- - Give a real gift for that. - Why'd I just throw them in the car? - Now can I have this cup? - Yes, you can have it. (laughing) It's $5. - No. (laughing) - Here to the past, buddy.