Andrew Santino

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show, but first I wanted to let you know that I'm on my stand-up comedy tour, Ricky's on the Loose, and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, D.C., Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh, or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA, or Houston, Texas, my tickets are for sale now at rickglassman.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to rickglassman.com slash tour, sign up for my email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick. Seriously, what are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show. The show. Yeah. Hey, dude. Hey, buddy. I'm feeling a little weird about the episode and I wanted to just talk to you about it and see how you felt. I am, dude, I was going to call you today. I'm feeling very weird. I got a hotel. I got, I went to a hotel. Because why? Just to like get out of my own space because I was, I was like, I think I was way too high. I wanted to tell you about that too. Like, I just wanted to get a little stone and I, I got way too high. So those cookies, my assistant sent, uh, here, let me just read you this letter I got. So I got this letter that didn't come with the tin of cookies. It came from Duncan. Yeah. And I got it today. I don't know why he didn't put the note with the cookies. Congratulations on 350 episodes. As you know, I started baking last year. I finally feel confident enough to share my goods. I know you like getting stone on pod. So I made you some weed cookies. They were weed cookies. Uh, I don't know how much is in these, but I, but I'd say start with half a cookie to be safe. I miss you and I love you. Oh, also congratulations on the two Webby nominations. I voted for both categories, Duncan. So we ate half a cookie. Uh-huh. Yeah. We ate, we got way higher than we wanted to. I got unbearably high. I mean, when my Nana scooped me up, I kept asking her to like, take me back to where we came from. And I guess I was like going inward, like meaning like, you know, I don't even know. I was looking deeply inward and my Nana was super confused. And then we ended up, um, going to five guys and just housing a couple of burgers, which was kind of tight. But outside of that, I was way too big, dude. So should we not post this? I mean, I, I don't really want you to, I mean, it's just, I don't know. I, I don't even know what I hold on one sec. Hold on. Hey man, not a good time, bud. Thank you. No, it's because you said the letter late. Why didn't you put the letter with the cookies? I got my, I don't want to post the episode. All right. Yeah. Let's just maybe refilm this and put it out next week or something. I don't like this. I don't want you to put it out. So yeah. Sorry. All right. Bye. You're going to be over here. Oh, right there. Thank you. Hi, sweetie. There's a sweetie and the sweetie necking rose. You're the sweetie. You're the sweetie necking rose. You get scratched on your tummy, scratched on your head, scratched on your tummy, scratched on your head. Which one do you like? Do you like both? I'll keep scratching. And your tummy, and it's in your toes. You want to play? Who bites? Yeah, I respect you. No, you smell like, your breath smells like a black hole. No, no, don't drink this. This is for me, mate. You can't drink this, mate. Don't lick the mic. I have to talk into that for another hour. Andrew, will you look in the lens with your glasses off for one moment? No, I don't want to. You can't look in the lens with your glasses off for one moment. Is this men's warehouse? Because you're going to look the way you look. You're going to look the way you look. Do you want anything to drink? A water or a cold water? I'm parched. You want a cold water? I'd love a Mike's Hard Lemonade. I have one. Great. Are you one of those people that can open a cap like this? Yeah. Cool. What the? And then when I say, what the? Do you like, have the theme music come in? That's awesome. Scoot-doo. Blubbity-bloo. Scoot-dee. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be pretty cooked. Hey, me too. Oh, it's a chef thing? No, it's a super finger. Dane Cook. Sufi. No, that's where the Chargers play. Oh, yeah. Did you ever think about that they, is this thing on? Testing? Oh. What? Everything out. Until this. All right, cool. Oh, buddy, keep me on this, just in case you kick. Just in case what? We put the drinks on there. They're empty. They're totally empty. I know what the episode of this name is. What's the episode? Of this name? The Totally Empty with Andrew Santino. The Totally Empties. Mm-hmm. A band that we used to be in, the Totally Empties, '94 to '96. What were one of your hits? Oh, the Totally Empties? One of our what? One of our top charting songs? Let's wear our headphones. I feel like you can't hear me. What? Andrew, buddy, you're a moneymaker. I love the way you come on here and you make money. Speaking of making money, did you know that you could download the Prize Pick app today and use code Taiso to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 line up? That's code Taiso to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 line up. Prize Picks. Also, feel free to just play the $5, get the $50, and then play with that if you wouldn't keep playing. And if you don't, then, you know, stop. I'm just saying, I'm just keeping it real. If you're a comedy fan, which I know you are, you're a Bob Odenkirk fan. Well, from the creator of John Wick and Nobody comes this new movie, Normal, a double-barreled shotgun blast. of pure mayhem, starring Bob Odenkirk, A. Henry Winkler, and A. Lena Headey. I never know if it's Headey or Headey, but I'm a big Game of Thrones fan. She's Cersei Lannister. See it only in theaters starting April 17th. This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. And if you know me, you know there's nothing I like having sex on more than a comfortable mattress. And now you can, too. Go to helixsleep.com slash Taiso for 20% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash Taiso for 20% off site-wide. Make sure to enter. Our show name at checkout so they know we sent you. All right. I'm working on my stand-up hour, and I'm very excited for you all to see it. Ricky's on the loose. Next weekend. Five shows in Austin, Texas. May 1st and 2nd, four shows in my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. The next weekend, May 7th through 9th, Irving near Dallas, Texas. June, I'll be in Washington, D.C. September, I'll be in Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, and Philadelphia. October, I'll be in Houston. I'm adding more shows. Go to Rick. Glassman.com. You could sign up right there at my tour page for an email list to let you know when I'm coming near your city. I'm adding Salt Lake City. I'm adding somewhere in Washington. I'm not sure yet. I'm adding Montreal. I'm adding London. I'm adding, I think, Amsterdam and Dublin. Lots of shows are still coming up. Sign up. I'll email you if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. Come check out a show. Hello? Hello? Hello? Whoa, it's loud. Hello? Hello? - I think I remember one of your songs. - When I was on The Empties? - Yeah. Turn this one. - I don't know which one's yours. - Two, two, two, two, two, two, more, more, more, more, more. Me, me, me, me. Give it to me more. - It's all, they're all the way up. - Inferior equipment. - Let me listen to that. - No. - That is working pretty good. Evil. Killer Tofu, was that one of your songs? - Killer Tofu was our, one of our main hits. - How does it go? - Bean sprouts, it's a bean sprout. We squish it all the way down. Bean sprouts, it's a bean sprouts. Yo, yo, killer, killer tofu. Killer, killer tofu, us, us, us, us, us. And yo, yo, killer, killer tofu. Killer, killer tofu. - Oh, yeah. - Killer tofu, good for you. - That was one, that was a part, that is like a part of the song. - Mm-hmm, I know the other part. - What is it? - Oo-ee-oo. - Oo-ee-oo. - Killer tofu. - Yeah, so you're a fan. - E-I-E, oo-ee-oo. - Killer tofu. - And then there's a third pitch in there, so do it again. - Oo-ee-oo. - Killer tofu. - One more. - E-I-E. - ♪ Oo-ee-oo ♪ ♪ Killer tofu ♪ ♪ Killer tofu ♪ - And so, where that was most, where that was the most received. - You already said it the other way, and we're keeping it in. - Where that was most received was honestly in Indonesia. We've sold a lot of records in Indonesia because of Killer Tofu. - That's an urban way of telling people that it's inside of your-nesia. - This is an urban way of telling people, "Yo, that's inside of my-nesia." - No, it's Indonesia. - Oh, girl. - Oh, my classes? Oh, they're Indonesia. - Oh, they're Indonesia. How bad do you see something in public? Sometimes they go and want to go, "Girl." - I'll never not say that if I want to say it. - Girl. I was at Sweetgreen, and the person behind the desk was like, "Do you want-" - Desk. - That's their job, they're at work. - Yeah. - And the person behind the desk was like, "Do you want-do you want-" - Yeah. - "Do you want to go to the grocery store?" - Yeah. - And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Yeah." - You go. - I got no 12 car pile up on the highway. - You do. - Bro. That's all I said to the cops. You've been speeding, bro. I said that to the cop when they pulled me over. - Said that to the cop when they pulled me over. - Said it to the cop when he pulled me over. Definitely a hundred percent not sober. - Do you want to keep going? - Mm. - Knock, knock. I'm not home. - What else? Oh, I forgot to tell you. - I know. The let, well, I know. - So I told you? - Yeah. - Good. - No. Don't. Please don't. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Talk about pretending that we're pooping a key. Keep pooping. Yeah. And a key thing to pooping, by the way, is when you are doing poop acting, for those of you at home that are looking for poop acting tips, really accentuate the flexation in some of your neckline muscles. You have to, when you're, strenuous activity causes a lot of these protrusions of muscles in your neck. I learned that you're not supposed to do that. You get hemorrhoids. Push? Yeah. If it's not ready, stand up, take a walk. No. It's not time to poop. I got to get it out. If it's not coming, I start screaming. Really? Get out of here. I'll say to my poop, get out of here. You got back problems, though. That's what it's from. Lift in all this poop all day long. Yeah, don't. For the fans at home, please don't. Don't. Push. Yeah. Let it ride. If you can't poop, if you're not pooping within a minute, stand up, drink some water, jump up and down, yell, and then try it again. Also, the body was meant to be in a squat position. So get a squatty potty or just take a shit on the floor. Or just hold your knees to your chest, which I've done before. This is my 350th episode, Andrew. And next week, it's seven year anniversary. This is your 350th episode. And next week, it's going to be your seven year anniversary. Yeah. Congrats. And that means you come over every two years. You came over two years ago. Is that how long it's been? Well, every 50 episodes, it's 52 weeks a year. Multiply that by two. I've seen you before that, but I haven't come over to the house. Divide it by two. Subtract the number you thought of. Equals five. Five. Have you ever seen those TikTok videos of guys like, I bet I can guess your father-in-law's name. You never seen that guy? And he never ends up doing it. But I watch the whole thing every time. Really? It's just a thing where he's pretending that he guesses the name? He does like a whole thing. You've seen it. He's like, I bet you I can guess your father-in-law's name. And you're like, really? And he goes, which one of these movies is your least favorite? And you pick one. He goes, now go seven spaces to the left. One, two, three, four, five. You'll do it. And then he's like, all right, two spaces to the right. If the lead actor, first name started with F. And then you'll do it. And at the very end, he's like, double tap to lock in. Reanswer? And he's like, I bet you you got this movie. And it had nothing to do with your father-in-law's name. I'll watch it every time. Wait, are you saying it's a joke? No, it's just a great beat. It's just that he's good. He's smart. Wait, you said it has nothing to do with the father-in-law's name. He's not guessing the name. So what's the smart thing he's doing? He's getting you to watch the whole video so he makes money on it. Right. But what I'm saying is there is no guessing. He's lying. He's not lying. In the next video, he might guess your father-in-law's name. Stick around and tune in. Okay, let me see if I get this right. And that's why I watch every week because I want to know what he's got coming. What's his name? What's his name? Cop knocks on your door. Rick, we got to talk to you for a second if you don't mind. We heard a lot of rumblings that there's a suspicious activity going on. Nobody's home. Who's there? Rick, open up. A lot of suspicious activity going on in the neighborhood. We need to have a chat. I'm out of town. I'm talking to you from my ring camera. Good. Well, let's communicate through technology then. Where were you on the night of April 14th? I was on a date with a girl. And I was at her house, just the two of us. Oh, interesting. Her name was Kylie Wana. Last name, CeeDee's Nuts. I'm mad because I was going to do a Kylie Wana. And I was trying to, like, take my tie with it. And I'm mad now. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's just every now and then, you know. Give it to you? I'm a Wana, you know. I'm a Wana, shoot the ball. I know. I'm a Wana, give it back to you. I'm sorry. Anyway. I was just joking around. I'm here. Let me open the door for you. Oh, man. You've been here the whole time? Yeah. Whoa. Is this a two-bed, two-bath? Two-bed, two-and-a-half. Two, two, five. Love a two, two, five. Bar two's two, five? Two, two, five. Bar two's two, two. Two, two? No. Bar two's two. Yes. Let me ask you something about the neighborhood. There's some rumblings. Someone's been getting their car broken into every night. The same person? Same car. Yes. That's an issue. Well, they're running out of windows. pal well when one car gets stolen when one door opens when one car door gets stolen a dealership financially takes advantage of a young person going in with bad credit again did you know that gen z is the first generation in in 100 years that has been able to go into a car dealership and negotiate for themselves without bringing a parent okay that's what else do i got did you win a webby um you know it's funny that you that you bring it up you only have a few days left to vote for the voters choice we were nominated for two we're nominated for two webby awards and you could vote for them at rickglassman.com if you want to pause this real quick change the tab go to rickglassman.com at the top there's two buttons to vote do that come on back thank you genuinely please vote for the rick glassman take your shoes off podcast one of the best podcasts in the world we've talked about i don't think it's a lot on this show about how it's well it's not the best name name one name two podcasts better under the trenches one of the best podcasts i've ever heard of my comedy podcast not podcasts about how to get out from under a trench do you feel thirsty grab a coke okay cool well that's that's part of the ad at amc oh that's that was cool they do that almost almost every time have you ever been able to get through the previews without finishing all of all of the food and drink that you bought i'm able i'm able to do it without finishing my popcorn i i have to finish the popcorn but i don't have to finish the soda but i might be out of the bunch of crunch you know it's funny because bunch of crunch is a shit bullshit candy but we're in a movie theater it's a king of kings i would never be like i'm in the mood for a bunch of crunch while i'm here never and no offense to crunchers out there but well there's not a bunch of them to be honest with you because it's not that great of a quality of chocolate there was a bunch of them until this new regime took over that's the problem the acquisition of so many other like when general mills bought amy's really pissed me off but i want to talk to you about this movie theater treats because you eat the same foods i wonder if you do it the same way i'd like to get popcorn throw it in the cardboard container oh yeah and put the bunch of crunch in it and i also like to get a couple of sides of jalapenos and throw the jalapenos in it shake it up and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna eat it in the same way and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna eat it in the same way pickled or regular pickled yeah pickled napkins under because in case any of the jalapeno juice comes through yeah well and then i like to find and and and and and a lot of times the bunch of crunch will go under the popcorn and you have to sift in through it yeah so i like to pour the bunch of crunch just on the top so i know where it is like a barbecue sauce i could dip whenever i want it occasionally will still settle but it'll settle on that side yeah one side of it so i'm not you don't need to sweep yeah there's no need to sweep the jalapeno is very interesting i've never touched that star huh but i know it's up there i just i'm afraid of it sometimes i sometimes spicy stuff for you no i just look at sometimes i see people on the moon and i go i'll be up there one day but i'm i have to be down here where it's regular for a while do you not eat jalapenos at all i love them i ate three of them this morning then what are you talking about putting them in my popcorn with bunch of crunch got it i've never been there i've never done that i don't know that area i thought about it because when i get stoned is pretty much the only time i'll have a hot dog i'm so i'm so fucking stoned right now i am like unbelievably stoned this might become something i'm riding on lightning can you feel it yeah i'm cruising this might also that mike's hard lemonade really i didn't need that yeah that was um that was a i'm on camera yeah unnecessary beat you feel a camera on you you go you know what's funnier than three sips all of it all the sips can you imagine farley had to do that his whole career do you know what i mean i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do you know what i'm saying farley had to do that his whole career where they're like dude he ate it's crazy we did that scene six times he ate the foot long in one bite six times like he didn't want to do it anymore but you have to do what's funny for the people go santino sucks fuck him he won't do it he's a bitch and then i do it and then they go fuck him anyway pig glutton loser do you know what i mean no i think that they thought that before you drank the mike's lemonade yes but but then but then i did it and then i got props yes i mean you you mike's heart you're mike's hard lemonade maxing my girlfriend in high school who i loved so very much she loved mike's hard lemonade and we used to go to the sand dunes and drink mike's hard lemonade and we would drink a bunch of them and get sick from the sugar did is she egyptian it's not that cantonese but with that attitude it'll never be tennese but but the problem is most can not tennese people don't respect this kind of conversation but then you can't tennese that's how i said that's also true but i can tennese yeah but i can't tennese and you never will with that attitude that's fine i don't care i don't need everything in the world i've got enough stop trying to shove it down my throat okay but one time we went to the sand dunes and we watched a little a guy that we know i shouldn't say little why he's sensitive to it is he short or he's just far away he's an lp he's a little person back then we used to call him midgets midgets midgets you're never we used to grab one if you saw one in the wild you could pick it up and run with it you get points for as far as you can keep it in the sky uh midget is is not derogatory anymore as long as you're talking about as long as it's white midget is uh not an offensive term is it not wait i don't know what's an offensive i don't know what's an offensive because i have a midget friend and i think he doesn't like to be called a little person so what do i call him just his name that works is midget offensive midget is a term i don't think we can use that anymore it's always changing i never know what's in fashion anymore what we're allowed to say or do as long as you don't say the color of the midget but there was a there was a lesser a white midget yes a white midget is fine white midget yeah uh white straight midget um movie idea i'll pitch you later white midge you can say midget but you have to say the race after you can't say black midget asian midget no it's a midget who's black a midget who's asian and i can't say white midget you can say midget hockey hockey league midget hockey league because that's literally the name right midget hockey don't they still call it that i do want to acknowledge because you know this is a podcast that we learn on and you can't learn anything that you believe you already know the answer to if you're not supposed to say you're not white midget you're not and you're supposed to say midget who's white put it in the comments if we're gonna be if we're gonna be obama by the end of the show we're gonna be talking about this whole thing oh we can't say midget not anymore it's not proper it's not a good thing to say a lot of people don't know this but uh in 2012 not a bad obama in 2012 andrew started doing uh obama impressions that were great and he was worried that he was not gonna be elected a second term that's right and he was and andrew started killing killing and after obama law not lost but he didn't lose no but when he when he handed the the the the torch over to trump it wasn't a torch you know is that when he handed the midget over to trump trump that andrew then stopped doing his obama impression and that's why he started a podcast right that's how i started because he was afraid he gained to comedy anymore all of his all of his material all my material do that do that do that joke you did with your your impression of of obama when he was he he was a he was a ice cream salesman as a teenager and he was selling ice cream to his friends and his friends would always make fun of him which made him realize why he wanted to be a president yeah choco taco choco taco here y'all want an ice cream sandwich come on man choco on the outside what on the inside like you hey fuck you buy my sandwiches barack obama you know i met him no i didn't i met him i met him barack obama i met him look me in the eye heavy day beautiful day yeah that must have been cool thanks do you want to pretend that you and i are on a first date no do you want to actually go on a first day yep thank you i'd prefer it okay let are you take am i uh who's dom who's sub am i sub are you dom on the date who's taking who out oh i would like for us to be able to show up however we show you i think here's what it is your friends are the only people that know that you're homosexual and whoa my friends are the only people that know that i'm a homosexual yeah and that's not true my mom knows my dad knows i'm saying most of my high school friends that i still in la though in la like in this group we a lot of people our peers didn't know so i'm hiding my my homosexual yes fine and a friend of yours is also a friend of mine and knows that i am interested in dating men i came out of my home and i'm like oh my god i'm a homosexual i'm a homosexual i'm a homosexual i'm a out recently, but I've never done this before. And he set us up and you, you're 100% safe and comfortable because this is what you want to do. Yeah. And it's weird. It's weird for both of us. We've never done this. It shouldn't be, and it is. Fine. And after this, it won't be. Right. But we're unexperienced in this. Is it inexperienced? Not if you're gay. You're out at that point. Correct. It's unexperienced. So it's on. Yeah. Yeah. So we will sit down at a restaurant and then just take it from there? Yeah. Okay. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to get the chair out for you. Oh, you don't have to. I don't think that's. I mean, it's just weird. I don't know. This is weird. It's not weird. It's just, we just, we're just out on a dinner hang. Having friends. Dinner hang. I think it's important for dating anyway. It's just to become friends with somebody and get to know them and. I don't like to say the D word. What word? Dating. Oh. You don't like when I say it either? Just the way it sounds. Yeah, I guess. It just sounds like antiquated. Like, what about, you know. Meeting up? Hanging, seeing each other. Yeah. Talking, talking, talking. Interacting. Okay. Yeah. It just feels a little bit more easy. Less pressure. I recognize your feeling that definitions are important in a situation like this. You got it. I get it. Thank you. I still kind of relate to that. I'm not related at all. We're not related, are we? That's funny. Listen, why don't we just call it as we see it to get this out of the way to be awkward? What if we go to the bathroom, turn the lights off, you suck my dick, I'll suck your dick. We don't have to come. We can come. We don't have to? No. Just like, see what it's like to feel my. Cock in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. Now, John Michael, we're going to cut to, I want to go to the bathroom. As a joke, as a joke, I'll suck your dick, you suck my dick. Just come all over our face. I just really want to do it and we'll blur it. And like, let me just suck your dick in the bathroom or suck my dick in the bathroom for real. Yeah. I'm being 100% serious. We don't need this now. I'm being serious. Yeah. And I'm high and you could say no. I just think you like committing to bits like me. I think it would be really funny if we actually sucked each other's dick and we showed it and I put it on YouTube for real. You know, you put it on stuff where it stays and even if they take it down, it actually shows us sucking each other's dicks. Yeah. Well, YouTube now will let it. You can, we can do it. What do you know about YouTube and that kind of stuff? Because if you suck each other's dicks on YouTube, now they put it in a new subcategory because of inclusion, equity and inclusion. A subcategory or a dom category? Dom. It's actually a dom. Depending on who uploaded it. I know what you're thinking. Rick, I don't need a mattress right now. Well, then just keep this in the back of your mind for when you do. I also know what you're thinking. Rick, I actually have been thinking I need a new mattress. I got good news and I got great news. Let me give you the good news first. The good news is Helix Sleep is no joke. So much of my family sleeps on this. My parents have a Helix mattress. My aunt has a Helix Sleep mattress. My uncle has a Helix mattress. Also, a lot of people out in the world are getting Helix mattresses and they're saying, whoa, I'm getting such a good night's sleep. I'm glad I got a Helix mattress. And you could get a Helix mattress and you could get one for free kind of. Let me explain. They have a 100-day money-back guarantee. They drop it off at your house and they'll pick it up from your house. So if you don't like it, send it back. You could even probably, I don't know if they let you do this, but you could probably get a mattress for 60 days and be like, all right, I think I want, I'll do another one. I don't know how many times you could keep getting free mattresses, but hey, they're guaranteeing you're gonna love it so much that they believe that you're not gonna wanna return it. Now, here's the great news. It's not a 100-day money-back guarantee. It's 120-day night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. The shipping, by the way, is free. You go online, you take the sleep quiz, you let them know if you sleep on your back, your side, if you run hot, you run cold, they'll match you up with a mattress, you'll get it. If you don't like it, send it back for free. Go to helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site-wide. Depending on when you watch this, for three days, April 17th and 19th, which is this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, it's actually 25% off. Just so you know, heads up, there's a little extra incentive on those three days, 17th, 18th, and 19th. Other than that, still getting 20% off. That's helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site-wide. Make sure you enter our show name so they know we sent you. That's helixsleep.com slash Tyso. From the creator of John Wick and Nobody comes the new movie Normal, a double-barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem. Great cast, by the way. But let me tell you a little bit what it's about. Before I do that. For Sheriff Ulysses, played by Bob Odenkirk, a new job as temporary sheriff in the quaint town of Normal, Minnesota was meant to be a welcome respite from the recent troubles. But when a botched bank robbery interrupts the peace, a dark secret is exposed, and Ulysses discovers that the town is anything but its namesake. Suddenly, everyone is trying to shoot the sheriff, and he has to rely on his wits and some crooks if he is going to survive the night. And that's all before. Before the Yakuza show up. I mean, Bob Odenkirk, baby. Starring him, Henry Winkler, and Cersei Lannister. Lena Headey, throw up a picture. Only in theaters April 17th. Magnolia Pictures. 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Dom, whenever I hear that word, I always think about that jerk-off who stole the Shrek statue. Do you remember that from Entourage? Oh, Dom. Yeah. I have an idea. Is that your phone? No. Is that my phone? It's mine. I thought I had an idea. You better cut that out. Dude, you know who I'm texting with now? Who? Tan France from Queer Eye. Oh, yeah. He was, yeah, he was looking to get on our show. Oh, yeah. You should do it. He's great. So my problem with Queer Eye. Nice. Queer Eyes is they're always looking at me. Oh. The blanket fell. That's a pretty blanket. What do you want me to do to get you? What I say to these people that do, I'm always like, what do you want me to do to get you to the place that you need to be to understand what's going on? That's what you learn in sales. In sales, you're not supposed to sell a product. You're supposed to sell value to somebody. Correct. And if they do not want what you have to offer, it's because either you or both of you haven't figured out where the value lies. Right. So it's stupid to think I know what you need. I have no idea what you need. So let me ask you, what is it that I could do today to make you feel comfortable? putting down the money for a better life. honestly just your true opinion about whether or not this is going to actually work and change my life i started working here not because i was looking for a job not because i didn't already have a great job but because i bought this hybrid electric and i thought to myself i'm already telling all my friends how much i love it how much it's done for me right why don't i try and monetize this this this love yeah of being able to charge my car a little bit because here's the thing it's a hybrid electric so yes it still takes gas but it fills up at 30 miles right that doesn't sound like that much i can't drive to vegas on 30 miles no you can't you're gonna need gas but think about it how often in a day do you drive more than 30 miles all of those times that you're making little trips or even medium-sized trips never have to put gas into it oh and by the way it's not why i bought it i don't i don't mind the turbo i don't mind that turbo what do i have to do to get you to just drive it around 10 minutes i guess i got some sweetie we have some time to kill i guess yeah we have okay what do cars mean what's a car how does a car work so sweet my love just let me do the thing that men do that's not fair to say that women can do women are just as capable as men don't start with me in front of the salesman oh that's funny it's funny you think i'm starting something when you're the one saying that women can't do what men can do you started something and i'm getting tired of not finishing it so i'm so sorry i'm so sorry are you gonna embarrass me in front of this control of your feelings interesting now you want to talk about feelings when i'm embarrassing you how about you saying you feel embarrassed we'll take the car we'll take it fantastic that's how you sales that's how you sales have you been bone breaking you're saying like looks maxing yeah no i could i could some people call that bone breaking you I don't know. Uh, 20. I feel like you can't leave the house today without spending $100 on everything everywhere you go. That's what my dad said. I can't leave the house. $100. You know what I spent on it today that I guess? $100 on guess. You have any beer in there? I got another Mike's Hard Lemonade. Or I got a Stella. Nope, Heine. Nope, a Stella. I'll take it. Stella? Yeah. Stella! I think of the David Wayne sketch group. Stella. Yeah. And the dog. They had their dog in the intro, right? I don't know. Isn't that what happened? Didn't they have a dog in the intro of that? I don't know. You'd be hammered by fucking 630. Thank you. I got to be honest with you. Having a great time. You having fun? I didn't think about anything. It's fine. Do you have a lighter? Four? This. Oh, dude. All right. You can only flick off the Mike's Hards. Yeah. Well, these are made of steel. Steel. I got to be honest with you, Rick. No, you don't. Yeah, you're right. I'm having a great time. You're one of my oldest friends, Rick. You know what the best part about having an old friend is? This is something that he needs to learn, actually, because he's 26 years old. And what's really beautiful about being friends with someone for a long time is that you could be 46, 56, 66, 76. 86. Probably not. 96. Definitely. 106. A little shaky. 116. No, it's not even a. 126. Sure. Now we're back. 136. Yeah, give or take. 146. Definitely not. That's crazy. 156, 166, 176. Well, those are fine. 186. 186 on a motherfucking cop. You know what that means? Stop someone from hurting them. That's a 186. It's in a ludicrous lyric, maybe. Stop a 186 on a cop, cop, cop, cop. I was talking about. When you've known someone for as long as I've not. You. We've got, I've got, you got hoes. That's interesting, because that's kind of updating pronouns. They've got hoes. Them's got hoes. In other area code, area, area codes. Some of the time, something. 805, 201, big booty break. Hoes. You know it. I don't remember it. How does it go again? Zim, zee, zers, got hoes. What about when she goes, when he goes, Zim, zee, zers, got hoes. The royal penis is clean, your highness. Thank you. King shit. King shit. Love that. Yeah. I'm ludicrous. I pack more nuts than Delta Airlines. My career go back far as. My career go back as far as. Your daddy's hairline. Now that's Mac Dre. Are you watching the new season of Love on the Spectrum? Clearly. Do you want to do impressions of the guys? Because my favorite. The guy that looks like Eric Griffin? Time out. Or Logan. Logan's my favorite. Yes, but the guy that looks like Eric Griffin that goes, interesting, interesting. And he goes, he goes, he goes. Haley, you're probably in love. I love Haley. Dude, Logan is unreal, dude. He's number one. And I don't mean to. Look, let me say this. Because this show is a comedy show, and because of what people have maybe seen prior to this, let's break for a second. I'm not joking. One of the most glorious, heartfelt, beautiful shows on TV we raced through it. I'm sad it's not more episodes. The best show. It shows real love. Real exploration. It shows when you see people who are getting intimate relationships are so new to them. Yeah. And the simplest things that for some people, that's not for them. It's so simple. And the way they are in touch with like, when something makes them feel a certain way, I think it's so cool. To watch, it's really like a password into seeing into everybody's feelings. You're seeing these people like, I don't know what to say. It makes me feel bad. And it's like, that's a great, that's such a more specific way of saying I'm nervous. Yes. Because anybody could get nervous going on a date. But to be like, I'm scared that I might not know what to do. And then I'll pause. And if I pause, they might think something about me. That's like so in touch with how we feel. Yeah. And I think it's so cool. It's so cool. To see these people that on one hand, it's like, it's such a challenge to not even, here, I have an example. So the Eric Griffin looking guy, he goes on his first date. He thinks that she's the person for him. Haley. Haley is the person for him. Yeah, it was at the Bellagio. Or at the Venetian, sorry. No, no, that was the Logan one. You just said Logan. No, the guy that looks like Eric Griffin. The guy that goes, interesting. Oh, from Los Angeles. Yes, the Los Angeles guy. So he goes on the date. And anyway, he's really excited. He gets a phone call from a girl that already said she wanted to go on a second date with him. Instead of ghosting, she called and she said, hey, I don't feel like I want to go on another date, but sometimes I can't think of what I want to say fast enough and I needed some time to think about it. Amazing. Amazing. And here I am now telling you my new thoughts and being honest with you. Yeah. People don't, people don't even do that first step of understanding what they're feeling. People don't do that when they've been with someone for 20 years. People still don't know how to do that. And then he has these, it's new to him. He was projecting so much. This is the person for me because he doesn't have enough experience dating. Yeah. This is my person. So as much as it might be like, oh, you went on one date with a girl. She doesn't want to see you anymore. That's such a grieving process that he has to have. Like the, he thought he found it and he didn't like to have to go through that, but to be able to be in touch with your why dude. Oh bro. Welcome. Show is brilliant. It's one of the best. And Logan dude is so funny dude. Shout out to Logan in Las Vegas. You are the dog. You are a main character. Dude, he goes. And by the way, it's not that I'm not going to give a shout out to James. yes dad oh i love james dude i love his and it's frenetic i didn't mean to step on you did you did i step on you you know i didn't do that on purpose do you yes dad but uh uh connor is the one i love the connor has my heart the closest yeah he adores london connor's adoration for british culture yeah you know i always thought what's going on with the british with his voice until this season i learned that his grandparents his grandparents also wondered why yes they also are very curious his grandparents are very inquisitive about it he he doesn't finish his sentence no no wait wait i don't do impressions no it's a word it's just the last letter of a word you want to hear it yeah the raven one of the most dominant creatures it's a syllable yeah it's never a word it's a creature it's the last letter or or it can be a syllable yes it depends it depends it depends it depends but mom why when i was watching one of the best with his girlfriend and he was trying to be serious and she was joking around and it was bothering him because like i'm trying to be serious i so empathize with him wanting to say be serious and somebody joking because she's looking at a butterfly and he's like i'm trying to give my that's also me though we do everybody everybody does i know but i'm saying like i could i see both of me and in this relationship i see you in both sides of that that's what i'm saying and it's like whoa but how but to be able to step back and recognize it powerful lift powerful lift look at you now look at you now counting paper and then my dad shut up we're trying to go to fucking sleep okay all right i'm just i'm just i'll turn it off idiot you're gonna go anywhere you're gonna you're gonna fail out of high school you'll be stuck here i'm not gonna i'll they'll see one day one day i'm gonna be a big big big big big and i'll be calling me asking for my help love you dad you'll see you remember when we were in australia remember and bobby was gonna get jacked and what was afraid you'll see you'll see no no you'll see i said oh you're gonna get jacked and he goes oh you don't believe me i said jacked not skinny because he's skinny now i said you're skinny i believe jacked is not the same as skinny and he said you don't think i can get jacked i said i don't and he said you'll see you'll see and we all laughed and he said you'll all see everyone in this van will see we haven't seen rick is that blood that came out no i um ate strawberries been there uh have you been to strawberry fields i haven't been there in forever well there's you strawberries you no you don't don't you didn't just let it sit it was right the first time nothing could stop me if i tried boom boom you done and get it all the way plenty and then you drove it oh and no and you know why they're always wonderful to see let me take you down because i'm going to i'm going to get out of my way i'm going to get out of my way i'm going to get out of my way and i'm going to get out of my way and i'm going to get out of my way for some reason she came to see me at the improv like i think she had spoken to him about me or something and she saw me at the improv and one of the guys said katherine harrow is here to see you and i was like holy shit are you serious he's like yeah she asked about you at the door and then so i went i went to the green room to the old green room and i was sitting there kind of panicked and i and i was like i better do great and i went up and i did so good and i felt so good about it i was like fuck yeah she got that's awesome and then i went to go to the sound guy and i said hey where is she and he said she left right after you got off i said fuck maybe she hated he goes dude she was loving it she was dying laughing but she came just to see you she walked in the room to see you and then she left i never got to say hi to her but i love you katherine harrow wherever you are and i'm glad you got to see me that makes me feel real good because i love you and i respect you i think you're so fantastic wherever you are making funny, cool magic. All right, let's look off. sorry about that you're laughing at the story I think I was laughing at the cough I think if you look back I was during the story I was like this play the tape I did this I was able to do this show with Christopher Guest really rock and roll I love that guy he's like one of the best yeah and he somehow he spoke to Catherine O'Hara and she came to see me at the Hollywood Improv whoa yeah and Pete that you know the sound were you doing your Obama stuff no I was Reagan all my old Reagan bits and she was like coming to see me she told the sound guy I'm only here to see him give me a triple um Jack and Diet but so they brought it to her and she got hammered she got like a screaming match with the sound guy which was crazy but he was in the wrong that's the thing he he started this whole thing and so she ended up missing my entire set and had to leave because she's fighting with the sound guy for screwing up because he played the wrong intro music he played Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun yeah why he's an idiot so she stormed out she didn't even get to see me perform what the fuck that'll make you mad that'll put her in your chest you eating blueberries no okay good it sounded like a blueberry cough or raspberries okay two different colors man people watching this improv show like no there are raspberries okay sorry yeah can I tell you my that's for your editor can I tell you um my uh my story nah when you eat something cold does it go to your forehead or your neck uh forehead you neck no other person nobody you've heard this from some other people some people absolutely can't hear you you're saying some people absolutely can't hear you you're saying some people when they get cold it's in their neck name them name one put some in the comments guys really head or neck i'm not i think head happens more i feel like neck is like being left-handed as far as odds okay disrespectful to the entire left-handed community you don't need to do that why are you taking a shot at these people you think they haven't suffered enough go to a fucking restaurant and they place the cutlery on the opposite side of what you're used to your life is dyslexic they can't be the opposite side of what they're used to because that's what they're used to they're not used to it they're not used to it do you eat with a fork or a knife in your right hand i eat with a spoon which hand well i use both of my hands for one spooty of two spoons no it's one spoon what do you what is it a big barbaric is it a big spoon is it a big spoon why you have two hands on a spoon for protection and safety you know i never liked broadway as a kid like i wasn't one of these guys who like had a passion for acting in broadway and i wish i did they like it in high school those kids throughout the whole hall but i never was those guys i was this guy and i wanted to be and i just couldn't get there but the thing is i did love one play mm-hmm this is real dude i loved still do i loved phantom in the opera more than i loved anything on earth i thought it was the most also coincidentally because it was a late 80s movie batman one was my favorite movie of all time tim burton's classic untouchably beautiful soundtrack actors batman or or or um fan of the opera this is the thing my friend both of these things are literally perfect the soundtrack for batman is just as perfect as andrew lloyd weber's he's a he's a he's a gross guy what what none of those things are perfect but the soundtrack for no christine oh god i wish you could have someone oh can you christine where are you going christine let me go no let me go no please seriously let me go fine be with him christine what are you down there you're down there with that freaking freak in the underworld unless he treats me nice does he make you laugh he doesn't make me cry i'm gonna be honest that's emerging of a few things yeah what was that one i recognize that he doesn't make you cry one tess george clooney sandra bullock one of the greatest scenes in the oceans one of the greatest scenes of all time does he make you laugh tess and she says he doesn't make me cry danny holy shit christine I'm picturing I'm picturing us being 12 years old friends together we might not be in the drama class but it's because they won't even accept they can't they can't stand we are annoying we are annoying to the jocks who are annoying to the drama people we're just that we're just they'll see one day one of those things one day and then it's like what do you think we're gonna look like when we're 29 and then it's just you know we're on 29 and you're 43 and then it's gonna cut to this and it's just it's just christine but we look we look like you know significantly older yeah dude look at my fucking face we're just gonna we have to be like kind of like oh oh my god oh but you know what we're still having fun still the one we're still having fun i think about taking voice lessons because i really want to be able to sing me too i always dreamed about it singing because i can get close i'm tonally my wife always says like your tone is good but i want to learn how to do the things that they get to you know the things they get to do the little tricks that they do yeah like you know how we know tricks of stand-up oh who did i talk to about this uh we had a conversation about this there's a musician friend of mine who is like everyone's got their tricks and their riffs he's like comics do it musicians do it any sort of live performance you are a little go to the bathroom if you're not back in one minute well no you're taking a big steaming shit uh where was i oh yeah this fat fuck in the front row hey you fucking fat fuck where'd you get your shirt from the too small store speaking of too small store i uh i went there to buy uh uh nothing but i did go to the too big store and the condom still didn't fit you oh look your girl's coming back i guess she took a piss unless she's having her fucking period and she put a tampon in her fucking pussy yeah tricks man but it's hack if no it's not that doesn't that stuff doesn't work for me no such thing as h-a-c-k i don't believe in h-a-c-k i don't say that word i even got that rid of that word i don't even know how to say it anymore it's out of my vernacular what about that show with uh hannah binder what you never heard of it i'll spell it for you h-a-c-k-s can't say it can't say it iron binder yeah interesting interesting okay i like pokemon please say no please say no dude that i wanted that's right that's what i want to talk about what he said what he says yes do you like candy please say no please say no the fact that he said pokemon do you like the most please say all them please say all that he's guiding her and by the way she got it right every time i wonder i don't think it was a conscious conscious choice of manipulation to do that but i do think that could happen when he's absolutely because somebody's like like do you like candy please say no please it might be harder for you to say yes it depends on how much you really like you might really like candy i don't even think it's how much you like candy i think it's how okay with what your perspective of it is no matter what it is it's truly how comfortable you are being honest versus appeasing the other party and how much does being honest not mean that it's not important to you but it's not important to you it's not important to you it's not the priority it's less as important as appeasing the party that you're with it's less as important than appeasing the party your piv i think it froze hold on one sec interesting i would say it so much that's interesting he also says per se a lot right is it per se per se it's not per se it's something is what it is you're right there you're right there come on dig it out do you know what it is no per se dig it out dig it out dig it out dig it out is it per se interesting per se yeah it might be per se i gotta look it up just sort of for clarity dude logan and logan's sister is so cool and the i don't remember i think it's kia what is the girl's name who who logan's dating now hayley well i thought hayley was no is it logan the young black man in vegas the way that she went into his room and said your room is messy i could teach you how to clean it she's right though oh i loved it not only did she tell him something that she felt he needed to hear and she wanted to say she also was going to like teach him how to do it at first i'm like your room is messy i thought she might be like turned off no she was just being honest yeah then he's like i would love for you to he would love for instead of being embarrassed which even when he is he still says what he wants logan logan yeah logan uh it per se is right you're right it was per se per se per se how about when and she said hayley they said is he and then uh sean and he goes it's kian yeah he keeps happening i love that in the intro for him when he goes he talks about that he likes trains and he goes what type of trains do you like and he's like trains without faces i mean but that but is yeah honest answer what that's telling you is first and foremost i like trains of faces thomas the train well or just trains of faces because there's other characters on that show but the truth is i doesn't mean i don't like trains without faces it's another way of saying i prefer trains with faces right i i want i'd rather have cheese on the taco but if it doesn't have it i'm still going to eat the taco yeah i would prefer it if it had cheese on the taco but if it doesn't have it i'm still going to eat the taco yeah i would prefer cheese on it so what do you think of tacos yeah i like tacos with cheese i prefer tacos how about this ask me how i like tacos do you like that that's the that's the tricky part the prefer prefer so ask me if i like tacos do you like tacos i like tacos with cheese i also like tacos without cheese that's exactly what he's saying yes and i love it yeah because do you like taco like if i know people you go to taco and you're catering and i don't eat cheese okay and you're like hey we're getting tacos and they all come with cheese on them do you say do you want to do like tacos i'd be like yeah but i don't want i don't want those because you know that they might come with cheese but if i told you i like tacos but i don't like tacos with cheese you might have gotten me some tacos without cheese i would absolutely get you tacos without cheese speaking up for what you want is easier if you realize what you want is important and that's where i think these people's superpowers lie they are so aware of what makes them feel better because so many things don't make them feel good right they've learned to like navigate their life i think a lot of people neurotypical people will just bring it home just you don't need to talk about it you don't need to figure out you're just frustrated you just hit the punching bag for a little bit say what say what makes you feel better and then the other person doesn't have to say that she doesn't like candy but say what you want but that one sometimes you're saying what you want it can be a burden but the burden is less weight than not saying so i'm saying it's interesting to watch people who are so in touch with their own feelings but have a hard time understanding the other person's feelings yes but still caring and like being curious especially as like you learn more and like you realize oh i'm not picking up on these social cues let me ask some questions or let me find my own little tricks and tools but like to be so in touch with how i feel but have no idea how you feel that's just something that like i could relate to a lot of people and i'm like i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not lot when I was a kid. And when I see these people, it just like, oh, that's specific to be so in touch with your own feelings, but not with somebody else's. That's it. So sometimes you could over-communicate. When you're coming over, I don't want you to feel like, if you're interested in hooking up with me, I don't know. I don't want to feel obligated. I want you to feel obligated. If it happens, it happens. I just know that I don't want to feel any pressure about it. Yeah, but we both thought there was a little bit of expectation. But I'm saying, I'll say that to a girl. I'll over-communicate those things because I have no idea what she's thinking. But that's nice. At least there's clarity. I know. Say no more. You know. But sometimes it does feel like I'm doing too much. I'm too extra. Not unless they communicate that to you. Sure. Fine. Also, it's exhausting. Have you ever seen a Tuscarian elk running 46 miles an hour? Nice. Next to a car. Jamie, pull that up. Is Jamie not here? Where's Jamie? From Joe Rogan experience? Do you think you're on Joe Rogan or do you think Jamie works with me? It's one of the two. It could be both. Well, it would be both if the first one were true. Correct. Yeah. The second one could be true without the first. No, I don't mind. It's kind of like you liking trains with faces the most. But either way, you like trains. Oh, that's dope. Who's filming that? Is that in the car? Yeah. Kind of cool, right? Yeah. That's 46 miles an hour. Yeah. Or 45. I don't actually. Well, whatever. I don't want to like misquote it or whatever on your show. What made you think of that? I was kind of just getting in. Getting in, getting out. No, I'll stay in for a little bit. I'll stay in for a little while. There's a way that sometimes slogans and sayings go where it just feels right. San Francisco treat. Ding, ding. But I'm just talking the words. Rice-a-roni. The San Francisco treat. That was perfect. As a kid, I thought, I don't even like rice-a-roni, but I want it now. And by the way, I can't go a day without eating it because of that. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm loving it. Works. So good. Just do it. Do it. Nike. Red Robin. Yum. Red Robin. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-K. Have it your way. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way. Awesome. Burger King. Yeah. Standard Burger King ad. Yeah. Dairy. Dairy Queen. Dairy sprinkles. Dairy Queen sprinkles. Dairy. Maybe that was regional. Dairy Queen's got the sprinkles. I know all the other ones. I've never heard that one. You never heard that Dairy Queen ad? Mm-mm. Are you serious? Maybe they didn't have that in Cleveland. Oh, yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, they did not have it in Ohio or Western Pennsylvania. That's funny. Why? Western Pennsylvania? Western Pennsylvania is pretty close to Eastern Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't have it in Western Pennsylvania or in Cleveland. Huh. Why did they choose these zones? Do they mean something? Get in the zone. Auto zone. It sounds like it could be from Transformers. Get in the zone. Auto zone. Autobots. Get in the zone. Autobots. You want a first date, you know? Having a girl in your parents' basement. Ready to finger. Yeah. Begging to finger in the basement. Yeah. I feel more confident. Go like this. Warming it up. Yeah, because the only experience you ever had was having a Nintendo game that didn't work. I swear to God, you guys, if I hit on it, it's not going to. I can't hit on it. You have to blow in the cartridge and blow inside. Did you try turning it off? I turned it off. I pressed reset three times. No, not reset. Off and on, not reset. No, because my brother did that and it fucking didn't turn back on. You have to turn it off to take the cartridge out anyway. Gary, if you don't want to be here. Did you take it out without turning it off? You could break it if you take it. Go home. Dude. Dude. Such a fight. A real fight that I had as a kid. This controller doesn't work as good as the other one. Dude. Fuck that. Why am I always Luigi? Fuck that. Fuck that, you know? Fuck that. I don't want to be Luigi. Dude, we all know where the flutes are. I just want to play every world. Come on. Every time we come here, we just get. Just let's play. Just let's play. All right. Of Mario, the best sound effect in Super Mario, of all the games, what was the best sound effect in all of the Super Marios, regardless? Well, I think you know what it is. Go. ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- ♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪ You know what's funny about the rhythm of that game, 'cause I was obsessed with that? ♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪ Was amazing. I like rhythmic things. But then this, ♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪ and you're climbing, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And you're jumping from thing and you inevitably will fall in the lava because of, it was brilliant. The rhythm of the music threw off your rhythm of, because you want to do things in, in rhythmic number. That's why you get stuck and get fucked up. And they composed it to fuck you up. It's brilliant. It's brilliant because when you're in the above world, it's always consistent. It's the same BPM. But when you go down below and you're jumping over different sizes of bricks, they throw you off by going, it's fucking brilliant. Yoshi Garanoto, the guy that wrote that, went to Harvard, Harvard undergrad, and then Berkeley School of Music, also in Boston, to create this psychosynchatic, is that what it was called, McCone? Psychosynchatic rhythm of throwing you off while you're playing video games. There's a couple of things that, that don't matter much that I would just like to acknowledge. Give it. First of all, I didn't like that you skipped. Because that happens before the. First of all, it's the exact same notes. It's just a different octave lower. So it doesn't, it's the exact same thing. Well, if you're talking about rhythm, it's I was doing that to speed it up for it. I was doing it. I sped it up for your explanation because I wanted to get through it as fast as I possibly could. Sure. Yeah. I made it eight bars instead of 16. It doesn't matter. I'm not saying you don't know it. Do I fucking know it? I have a point of pride about it. I'm just saying it should be acknowledged because you didn't acknowledge it. Yeah, but if you're going to fucking embarrass me on your show about what I know and what I don't know. Oh, what you know and what you don't know? Then I'll just fucking go home. Okay, I have a question for you. I'll just fucking go home. I have a question for you. Go ahead. And here's an answer. Fine. When you went into the pipes and now you're in the underworld and you're worried about falling into the lava instead of the water, the underworld doesn't have lava, castles do. The underworld has water, Mr. Know-Everything. It's bullshit. So even though maybe you forgot something, I just want to acknowledge something for people who may never have played or think they have an addition that isn't right or is remembering it wrong. Like the Merenstein Bears or whatever that thing is called. So it's just to be acknowledged. Merenstein. Merenstein. Fine. I'm saying it's. Merenstein. Maybe. You would know a little bit more about the game if you didn't use the flute to skip worlds all the time. Just play the fucking game. Yeah, but I want to see. I want to get the flutes. That's what's fun. Then get the flutes, but don't use them. Why? That's why they're there. So you could play each world. You didn't. You've never played World 2. I don't need to play World 2. You've never played World 7. Who cares? Well, I'll tell you this much. You wouldn't have missed a. Or the lava comment. You're not playing the game. You're trying to beat it. It's the definition of enjoy the journey. I don't want to. I don't want to, man. I want to see what the end looks like. You don't want to or you're unwilling? I'm unwilling. Because there's a big difference. If you didn't want to, I would ask why. If you're unwilling, I would suggest the fact that maybe you actually do want to and you're scared of something. Why don't you learn to help me instead of criticizing me? I would love to. I would love to. I've been playing Luigi every time I'm over here. I'm letting you go first. And I love Luigi. It would be fun to go first sometimes. I gave you the number one remote. So you get the one remote and you have to play Luigi. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. And then I get to be Mario. Thank you. I didn't know this was your favorite remote. It's very nice. It's everyone's favorite remote. This is your house. I don't have that. I don't even have these remotes. These are remotes where you could push a button and it auto-presses A. That's cool. And it makes you do stuff. Yeah, because my stepdad got a promotion, so we're able to get the nicer remotes. Are you going to criticize me for that? So I got the Game Genie and you freaked out. And you're like, you're going to get all the codes. And it's like, yeah, so what? My dad got a promotion. I asked for it. I got it. And you're making me feel bad about it? It's like, oh, don't show anybody your new shoes. Do you want me to throw them in the mud before I wear them to school? That's not fair. You bully me every week about this kind of stuff. I wasn't bullying you about having all the codes. I was saying you're going to have all the codes. It's exciting. Everything comes back to the fact that you think just because Ryan one time said Mr. Moneybags. Whatever. I heard it once. He did it in gym and in Mrs. Lohfeld's Spanish class. I don't know if people look at you as Mr. Moneybags. I don't think people care that your dad got a promotion. That's what everybody says now. You're not that rich. They wrote on my locker Mr. Moneybags. They wrote in lipstick on my locker Mr. Moneybags. Mr. Moneybags. And you guys laughed. And you were there. Is that true? And were you there? And were you there? I honestly did not know that. Really, dude? No. You've been hanging out with Tammy all week. She's just like, you guys are just fucking friends. And you weren't there laughing behind Tammy? Or you were what? You just showed up last minute when everybody was laughing? I already cried and thrown up. And Mr. Beaumont was like, do you need to go home? Yeah, I need to go fucking home. I'm embarrassed. So you're not hanging out with Tammy? Why don't you just say it now? Because you know I've had a crush on her for fucking years. I'm trying to tell you something. First of all, Tammy and I are just friends. Yeah, right. If you're not going to believe me when I'm done talking, then don't. Fine. All I'm asking is you to just consider this because maybe you'll recognize something. Okay, finish it. Brian, I'm gay. I'm gay and I've been gay. Micah, look at me. Micah, look at me. I'm embarrassed. Micah, open your eyes. Micah. Hold on. Before I do, will you just tell me something? You don't have to think it's okay. You don't have to think. You can think I'm gross or you can think of, you know, whatever mean things that you're going to think. But will you consider that this is me? This is me. Micah. I'm still Micah. Look at me. I'm gay. Oh, my God. I thought so. I'm not really gay. I just wanted you to be able to. I knew you were going to make fun of me. That's all this was. It was a ploy to tell Tammy I found out that I was gay. Dude, I knew it. I'm out. I'm just saying nobody's thinking about your dad's promotion. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm laughing. It's just. It's just so dramatic much. You want to grab the other mic? All right. Then if the audio is off, I am gay. I just for this. I didn't want. I don't. But I am. But let me fix the microphone. Are you ready? What are you pushing with that stream right now, dude? Oh, the door's open. That makes sense. I'm like a camel. That was incredible. What are we doing just now? What? Oh, the Mario stuff. Yeah, hold on. Let me wash my hands. Why didn't you want to wash in there? It's a clean towel. Can I be honest with you? I like kissing things. I prefer. I prefer in the bathroom because now you're going to have to use a paper towel. Well, don't use my towel. Fine, but don't use my material towel. I don't like when another person. I feel like using my towel that I dry my hands with is not quite the same, but similar logic to not wanting to share a toothbrush. No, it's not at all. Just from a bacteria standpoint. I'm not talking bacteria. I'm talking comfort. Also, it's important to change out your towels often. People don't realize how quickly a towel that's constantly getting wet could get mold. Try to wash your towels at least every four days. Andrew, how often do you wash your towels that you shower with? What? My what? Hold on. Hold on. You got to come here so we can be focused. Hold on. Sit down. Lay down. Say it again. How often do you wash your shower towels? We don't. We don't wash them. We throw them away. As soon as I feel like I've had enough with it, I throw it away. Does that mean when you get a new towel, you use it without washing it? No towel. So you're saying. How does that mean when you get a new towel? No towel. So you just throw away your first towel and now you don't have any towels anymore for the rest of your life? What are you, a computer? How do you not get it? New towel. I acquire a new towel. I throw every single towel I've ever used away. When I'm done with them, I throw them away. And you throw them away. Is it like in your house in an appliance? What? I throw them away. I put them in the coat closet. Maybe somebody else in your house is washing them and it's the same towel. They go into the coat closet and they go right back into the cabinet. No. Okay. I know what's happening. You're taking your dirty towels and you're throwing it away. You're throwing it in the closet. You're not even putting it in the hamper. Throw them away. Then your wife or your dry cleaner. Watch your fucking mouth. What's the difference? I don't share that point of view, but I also don't share the point of view that women can't be house homemakers. Housemakers. Well, they turn one into a home. Without a woman being a house. Can't turn a hole into a housewife, I'll tell you that. Because hoes don't. act right. That's right. It's hoes on a mission and hoes on the crack pipe. Hotel everybody, even the mayor. You reach up in the sky for that hoes zone layer. Eleanor Roosevelt. Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Everyone thinks it's Delanair, Delaware, Delanor. It's Delaware. The state. You know Bob Vermont? It was named after Bob Vermont. Bob Vermont named all the states in the New England area. Yeah. Well, I know one he didn't name. New England. Yeah, that's just a, they put new in front of the old one, eh? Yeah. They did that with York too. Duke of York? New York. Where's that? New York State. Oh, East Coast. By Jersey? Yeah. They did that for there too. It's a dump. Also, there was the original Hampshire in the UK. At the time it wasn't called the UK. It was the Plymouth. The whole thing? Nope. Just what is currently England. Scotland and Ireland used to be one country, which was? Skyrilynd. Yes. Which is where the origins of when you have joint pain and you might need that prescription drug, Skyrizy. Go to takeyoushoesoutpod.com slash Skyrizy for 15% off all Skyrizy prescriptions today. I do not condone this message. Anything you hear or say. Yeah, it was all. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say, do, can be heard against you. Yeah. Isn't that the craziest? Read him as Miranda writes. Get a less funny name. Get a less funny name for a legal indictment of my fucking freedom. Read him as. That's all the girls from Sex and the City. Read him as Carrie writes right now. You have the right to go out, get yourself an extra dirty martini, and get dicked down by Mr. Bob. Whatever the fuck they call him. Mr. Big. Mr. Big. Or just Big. Mr. Big. Samantha didn't realize that what she really needed was Pilates and some cock. Dude. I want to dictate my whole life with that shit. You want to do what? I want to dictate my whole life like that. Andrew didn't like the way production was going. He just wanted to go home and get dicked down. I've loved that show. I'm watching it again right now. I've never seen one episode of that fucking bullshit. It's so good. Rich white girls in New York. Right. New Age Andrew Santino. It talks about what white people aren't worthy. No, dude. What do you mean? Everybody loves Raymond fucking from downtown. Dude. Do I want to see four rich white girls in New York complain about dating? Dude. You don't understand. It's. So expensive. Saying. Saying Sex and the City is just about girls dating is like saying Like Mike is about. It's about orphans playing basketball. That's exactly. Blackskitball. Oh shit. That was an accident. Yeah, right. That was a Blacks in it. I. I. You know what? We're playing Blackskitball. I beg for your forgiveness. They're playing Blackskitball. Hey, man. Pass the ball. That was me doing a Bow Wow. Fuck a layup. Now basketball is my favorite sport. I like the way they dribble up and down the court. I keep it so cool on the microphone. I need no introductions when the sound is on. You get it so good when they're on the court. Little Bow Wow and it never goes yum. Blackskitball. Yum. Blackskitball. Blackskitball. It's not White Skitball. I keep it so clean on the microphone. I need no introductions when the thing comes on. you It'll be in my soul forever. I got to go. I love you. That hurt? That looked like that hurt. Yeah. You can say it. Yes, it did look like it did. But it didn't. No, it hurt. It hurt as bad as I thought it's even worth. For all the times you stood by me, for all the truths that you made me see, for all the joy you brought to my life, for all the wrongs that you made right, you gave me wind so I could fly. You opened up the other guys, you're everything I am. Because you. You love me. Oh, you are the truth that I couldn't see. You are the truth that I couldn't be. You are the God that I couldn't see. And you're the one that I want to be. You and me are what I want to be. You're right where it's right because you believe you're everything to me. Because. Because you love me. Yum. You do have a nice tone. Thank you. Well, I would let you get out of here. So I will. If you could. Leave. These boots are made for walking. And that's just what they'll do. One day these boots are. Oh, my God. Is that dog shit? Did I step in fucking dog shit? Walk all over you. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You know, if you're not allowed to do that anymore, why is it so fun? I got to talk about it, and then you can go. I got to talk about it. Because all the thoughts and comments existed, and I had a response to each and every one of them. That's awesome music, man. It's so rad. I don't know how to speak the language, you know, do the words, but, you know, there's that song where the Italian guy came out with, like, an American, like, do you know this? There's an Italian guy that came out with an American sounding, like, pop song in the 60s. And he was like, listen, you never count wrong when you can't stop going. And the rhythm guy was going, bam, push, when you go. Whatever it is, and it sounds like a thing. That's all that is. He doesn't know how to speak the language. But they're still taking that American pop sound. And what you're doing is a Native American, like, you're doing Native American music. I guess. And because they have been fucking done dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Yeah. They might be like, oh, what are you doing? I love the sound of that. In fact. That's awesome. I was talking to somebody about how much I love the soundtrack of Sinners. Not just the music of the singing, but just, like, the soundtrack of it. And some of that tribal feel with hip-hop. And he turned me on to this group. Fuck. I'll put up a picture. But he turned me on to this group where it has that as a tribal and the hip-hop. And I love it, dude. Nation. Something nation. Hallucination. Oh, hallucination. Yeah, it's the hallucination. The hallucination group. Yeah. But I'm not doing it as a bit. I really do love it. And sometimes in my shower, I'll yell as loud as I can. That one. That's the song from baseball, right? Yeah. That's the baseball one, right? That's Cleveland. I'm being serious. Is that from the Cleveland Indians? That one's from the Cleveland Indians, right? And the Blackhawks. I haven't heard that in so long. It's a hockey team. And we have one. But ours is. It's more guttural and it's more visceral. It's deeper. It's darker. I thought you were going to be like, let me eat that worm. Let me eat that worm. That's a Blackhawk. That's a Blackhawk. Let me get that worm. What's up, hon? Dude, your voices are so good. What's up with all these bitch-ass eagles? What's up with all these bitch-ass eagles in this motherfucker? Give me a voice to do and I'll do it. Name anything, I can do it. Okay. There ain't nothing I can't do. And that's Tyler. We didn't even talk about Tyler. And I love you so much, honey. Dude. No spoils, but he got me crying. Tyler can really, he can really live it up. Yes, he can. He's one of my favorites. He loves her so much. He loves her deeply. She loves him. I get more comfortable with kissing, too. Because she didn't, she sometimes when she kisses, she goes, she doesn't really want to kiss, but it's love. But it's like, fuck. In the last season. But now they're kissing good. They're kissing much better. The dad was getting uncomfortable when they were kissing in the last season. Do you remember that? Who's dad? Tyler's dad? Her dad. Because he kept kissing her at home, and he's like, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, last season. Would you agree, though? It's natural that only sometimes that we admit that parents just don't understand. There's only a couple things that are natural, pal. Pinkies? Oh, those are actually add-ons. Thumbs are natural. What's a blueberry? That's a raspberry. What's a pinky, in fact? I never understood the difference between that. But when you play with the right. But your left hand, dad, I'll hold a pair of scissors in my right hand. They don't work. Left-handed scissors in my own grown, but then by being grown, home, home, phone, home. ET never does nothing unless I get my own grown. I'm holding the scissors backwards or inside out or upside down. Are scissors to cut or to cut it out? Because Uncle Jesse says, wants to cut that, oh, never understood what I said. What are you in the understanding? Underworld right now, dude, because that was a different beat. What's going on, man? Dun, I was giving you a snare. Dun, I don't know. Well, let me give you one. Dun, I don't know. Dun, I don't know. Dad, I don't know. I don't know. Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't. Don't move. Keep doing the sound that you were doing. Don't know. No, no, no, no. Without the musicality of it. Don't don't don't don't. No music. You can't do the music. It's still. You're changing notes. I felt so good. Thank you so much for coming over. Thank you so much for having me over. I had a great time. I always have a good time when I come over here. I wish I could do it more. Okay. I don't know if I'm going to post this episode, but we'll do something another time. Sounds good. Bye, Rick. Well. Take your shoes off. That's if the UFC announced you. That's what they would call this. I have a suggestion of how you can make money for cheap. charity don't do it here it is i keep making too much for these people then keep it keep some more of it no i gotta give it away to them i just don't want to make them any more money why because they got enough okay well i'm gonna make those kids enough where they get reviews if you're gonna give if you're like instead of a kissing booth money you go into a booth for you and they have like a minute with you and you're sitting in a booth and nobody else gets to hear it and they have to come in ready they have a minute to tell you something like be a uh be a a giraffe who who never who uh who doesn't know how to drive and then then uh uh uh and uh it every time it burps it sounds like a taxi cab horn and it has to burp a lot yeah okay great all right get out the next person every person pays whatever the thing is how much and it all goes to charity no 20 pay 20 and and and and 40 goes to charity therapy charity fuck i'll need because you're matching it fine yeah they're like so they go in okay will you be uh one of the guys from love on the spectrum 10 years from now when he becomes a sheriff of his hometown and he's checking knocking on someone's door because the garbage cans have been out for three weeks and he's just a little worried about him hello i've come here to talk about your garbage the cans the cans have been out so long will you take them in please i'm sorry i remember the 20 seconds we do that same exact thing as joe biden i want to see if it sounds different hey garbage i'm here about your garbage can it's pretty close it's almost the same thing dude i think i found your new obama joke it's biden doing biden doing connor from love on the spectrum yeah ladies and gentlemen andrew santino as joe biden playing connor from love on the spectrum one of the one of the most feared animals of all time is a hawk hawks are powerful creatures people people he got southern oh shit oh shit oh shit it's seven o'clock oh shit are you having an orgasm or no no no no oh my god i my grandmother oh shit your grandma's gonna be here at seven to pick you up yeah i gotta go well let me get i gotta go all right hold on i gotta get a polaroid of you i gotta go rick my grandma's gonna be here in like three seconds and she's gonna be fucking see all right you could go i can take a polaroid without you but i really want you in it is you grandma's is your grandma the one that uh the blind one too it's like it's a call it's like when the rock does that a lot of bread when the rock does that stuff or hawaiian people they go you do you don't talk about i don't want it to be sound like offensive to the audience but it's just like it's guttural no that is what it is well it's just fun to do it's like i think that you do everyone does that not everybody does it it feels so good because it feels do you know what i'm talking about what those things are called like there's this hawaiian thing that they they go it's called the hawker the hawker it's called the hawker the hawker black hawker thank you for the bow i'll see you tomorrow i'll see you tomorrow blevity blue scoop deep oh yeah