094. Andrew Packer, Na'im Ali, Josie Marcellino | Obsession

Hey everybody, Big J. Oakerson here. Check out my website, bigjcomedy.com. Get tickets for the Greatest Yapper Live Tour happening in a city near you. This week we have Austin, Texas. After that, Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club. And the weekend after that, Spokane, Washington, Spokane Comedy Club. And check me out on the Rattle Me This Tour coming to a city near you. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri on June 5th, Tulsa, Oklahoma June 6th, Oklahoma City on June 7th. And right after that I have Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago, and La Jolla. All on my website. Lots more dates as well. Go to lewisofskanks.com. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars! With the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Big J. Gomez. Here, you hot child. Bend over again. Oh my God, what are you doing? Turn around, you child. Pick up this pencil, you kid. Good way to start. Hey, we always ask this. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? Who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Just one old black guy in the corner. He's been living in the comedy club for 40 years. First time he came up. First time he came up to watch Story Wars. Well, if you're unfamiliar with the game or if it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain it when we get our esteemed panel up here. I should always say that we are your hosts. I'm Big J. Oakerson. I am Lewis J. Gomez, another sold-out show, or what is it, our 40th sold-out show here at the New York Comedy Club. Guys, come on now. Come on now. Every Wednesday night, if you guys want to be a part of the Story Wars audience, please come to the New York Comedy Club, Midtown East 24th Street and watch us, watch us tape live. If you guys want to be a part of the Story Wars audience, please come to the New York Comedy Club, Midtown East 24th Street and watch us tape live. It's a massive, massive theater that we do this in. This place is fucking crazy. The roots are in the balcony. Yep, the roots. What's up, roots? What's up, roots? You'll hear the roots throughout the night. We don't get them on camera. We can't afford that. We will explain the game once we get our amazing panel of guests up here. Our first contestant with a record of 1-0. She is a story warrior. That's crazy. She's a comedian. She's a cosplayer. She's our friend. It's the hilarious Josie Marcellino. Josie Marcellino! Josie, thank you for being here, even though it looks like you were delivered to us by DHL. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, folks. Were you just working on a slutty road crew? Well, okay, it's Earth Day, so I was actually going to wear my Earth costume, and I've gotten too fat for the Earth costume. So. You're. You're bigger than the Earth? I'm bigger than the Earth. Oh, my God. So let's go Flyers. Now I'm wearing orange. Yay. Flyers! Can we find her a Jupiter costume? I thought you just came out of whore prison. I'm so proud you know your planets. I just thought you came out of whore prison. It's delightful. This is whore prison, so. She's escaped whore conflicts. Our second competitor coming to the stage. I'll do this all night with just Josie. Uh. Zero and four in Story Wars competition. This might be the last time. I think if you get to five. Zero wins out of five appearances, this might be the last time you ever see this guy on the show. Such a funny comedian. Do-rag-and-deer tag podcast. Naeem Ali saves the world podcast. Put your hands together for Naeem Ali. Naeem Ali. Yo! What up? Yo! Questlove! What's good, Questlove? You know what I'm saying? Hey, we in this, bitch. Naeem, you look like you escaped from regular prison. Yeah, right. Yeah, damn right, bro. I might've. You haven't won one time. No, I haven't won. Why you gotta tell everybody that? That should be a secret. You wanna be on my team? That's so bad. Yeah, that sucks. Well, recently, don't worry. I set the record as the only person in Story Wars history to score zero points. He did it. He did do zero points. Zero point game is coming out, guys. Damn. First time it's ever happened. No, it's the first night of the second night. Huh? Was it the big one? Second night. Oh, wow. Yeah, that one's coming out very soon. Oh. Damn. I'm gonna get a lot of condolences. It doesn't matter, everyone. It's a new game. It's a new day. We're here to win this game. And our third, last but not least, competitor. You know him from the Laugh It Off podcast. He has a special. Never call her crazy. Clap it up for the hilarious Andrew Packer. Andrew Packer. Andrew Packer. Andrew, you look like you made the phone call that put Naeem in prison. I'm sorry, buddy. Welcome to the show. Your first time. Have you done any preparation to become a story warrior? This is a big deal. It's a huge honor. Well, I was feeling so much pressure. And then you told me how much he's lost. And now I feel pretty chill. Feeling like this is my first time. This can go any way, and it's okay. You'll be just fine. You'll be just fine. Unless you lose five times. Then it's gone forever. All right. We got time. We got plenty of time. Louis just told me the rules today. I've been on this show four times. That's not true. This is the first time he ever told me the rules was today. Yeah. That is pretty fucked up. I give everyone a speech in the back being, you know, don't write your fucking own name on that board. Never do that. And he was like, you've never said this. I've said it to you every time. I've never had that speech. Never heard that speech ever in my life. In fairness, you didn't give me that speech. When I did it before, I don't think you do that speech. That's the show, guys. We'll see you guys next week. Disrespectful panel today. Can I say something? Please. I don't know if we're in our second year of doing this show. The fact that everyone hasn't acknowledged it, that we now, instead of using cocktail napkins, have actual erasers for dry erasers. Good deal. Amazing. Who knew $4 would change our lives? This is nuts. I'll give everyone a little easter egg. We don't have to put this out on the show, but we do have to put this out on the show. We do have, we're going to have electronic boards for Netflix as a joke. They're ready to rock, basically. Really? I can't wait until that backfires on us. Just child porn comes up on it. Patton Oswalt starts getting electrocuted. If you aren't familiar with the game Story Wars, or if it is your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Obsession. Ooh. Ooh. Wow. This audience has got to be more fun. They'll get there. Be more fun, guys. They'll get there. They're still waiting. At one point, we're going to hear them laugh out of nowhere, and they're going to be like, we're prison. They're just sleepy, man. It was a work day. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them at random, one at a time here. It'll pop up on this screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not. It's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. I mean, I'm listening to this guy's fucking, the rapping from his Sour Patch Kids. That's how quiet this crowd is right now. He ate a Sour Patch Kid. It sounded like the walls were caving in on me. I was like, what is this guy in a fist fight with a Sun Chips bag? They're hanging on your every word. It's a compliment. You're a great orator. Every time. Thank you, Josie. I am really good at oral. I'm going to kick your ass tonight. Every time you guys say story correctly, you get two points. Every time. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story that shows up, that is a huge opportunity. That is an opportunity where you can get four points. It's very huge. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. You can't change your answer after that. And I'll tell you right now, we're having a lot of fun. I'm already having a lot of fun, but we're not playing for fun tonight. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we play for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Amazing. Out of the Shadows explains how compulsive sexual behavior can take over a person's life, damaging relationships, work, and self-worth. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field, breaks the issue down and directs. He lays down that dick. Showing how secrecy, shame, and repetition can keep people from doing what they want to do. People trapped in destructive patterns. Wow. Wow. This is beautiful. I gotta be honest with you. Never have the Story Warriors needed to keep a book in their library more than Out of the Shadows. No, Naeem needs this win. I need this book. I legitimately need the book. You just. This could be my bio on my website. Every guy needs the book. Yo, Josie literally just whispered to me like, you need this. I do, you're right. I'm rooting for you. I wouldn't have started having kids at 13 if I'd have had that book. I need this. I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up a little bit. along the way. It's a pretty easy game. But do you think, is this crowd ready for war? - Guys, we said are you ready for war? Come on! Well put on your burkas and let's get to it. Alex, would you please hit us with story number one. - Story number one, I was so obsessed with my high school crush that I betrayed my friend and told my crush some mean things my friend said, thinking it would make them like me. I was wrong. - This is the easiest story I've ever heard in my life. I'm locking in immediately. What are we doing? That's the easiest, this is the most big J story I've ever heard. - Guys, don't lock in immediately. Play the game and talk first. - This will be a eight minute episode. - Why the fuck is everybody writing me? What does this read so hard of me? - I can hear it in your voice. - Yeah, that's you, bruh. - That's you. - And you a Philly nigga, that's some Philly shit. We be hating on niggas, bruh. I ain't gonna lie, we be hating on niggas. I thought it was me, and I was like, no, I never did that one, but it gotta be J. - Well, yeah, you didn't get the high school, but J did. - That's a good rationale. - I thought it was me, so it's gotta be you. - I do feel like this is a dude move. Like, this is something that a guy would do. Guys are just like, dude, I'm gonna get some pussy, and we've all done that, dude. - I can't see this being anything but a guy. - My friend in high school told my girlfriend that I was cheating on, no, told her best friend, because he wanted to fuck her, that I was cheating on my girlfriend. - What the fuck? - And that was that. - Did he get to fuck her? - No! - Aw. - Forrest, Forrest, you piece of shit. - Yeah, girls don't like this type of behavior. They don't like this. - No. - You don't get rewarded for this. That sucks. - No, you just nagged him? - Did you beat this guy up? - No, I didn't beat him up. I should've, though. - You should've. - I'm sorry, Warriors. - Andrew, were you a popular kid in high school? - Not really, no. You can tell by that delay. - What do you mean? You have a gold chain on. You're the coolest guy in school. - Is that an indicator? - It's pretty dope. - Well, Andrew's also Canadian. - Yeah, he's from Canada. - I just think it's surprising you guys ruled out a woman being able to do this ever. Like, a woman would never betray her best friend. - Damn, true. - That's impossible. - I don't think it's Andrew, because he's from Canada, where they call high school, like, pre-university. - That's true. - They also don't say mean things in Canada. That's, like, illegal. - You got a big ass, eh? - But I will also say, Josie is one of my most dude-like girlfriends. So, I can also see-- - What, does she get benched 215? - So what, dude? We know a lot of weak guys. - Yeah, Josie. - That's more about the guys you know than it is me. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Maybe. You might be right about that. - I did not do this. This is Big Jay. So I can't even argue anything else. - Yeah, but I will say, Josie, you also, you're the type of gal that would get obsessed with a high school crush. - For sure. - I can see you being, like, a fuckin'-- - Yeah. - Like, just annoyingly obsessive. Like, get this fuckin' crazy bitch away from me. - I get obsessed with everything. - Dressed up in some stupid cosplay outfit. Showing up like a sad pirate to school while your high school crush kisses some-- - Yeah, but I don't betray my friends. - Somebody not dressed like Princess Leia. - Yeah. - Yeah, I would've thought it was Josie, but she wrote Big Jay's name down so fast. - That's what makes me think it's Josie. - I'm like, nah, she wrote you a heavy throw. - No, I just know Jay. I watch this show a lot. - Yeah. And it's kinda worded how Jay would say some shit. - This is how Jay talks. - Yeah, this is how you talk, bruh. - Betrayed? Who's gonna say betrayed? - Like, Lewis feels like everyone's betrayed him. - Well, yeah. - Like, you said, like, I was so obsessed. When they told me this was about when Alex sent me the text, like, yeah, it's about obsession. I thought that shit said obesity. And I was writing shit about it. I'm like, damn, I did used to be a fat nigga when I was a kid, bruh. - Yours is gonna be easy to suss out, man. I'm starting to realize why he loses all the time. - All my stories are about obesity. Every time we have to think, what does it have to do with obsession? Just right now. - Yeah. - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah. - Can I say, the other side of this, as well, is as I'm going through everyone, I don't know Andrew that well. I know everyone else on the panel pretty well. I will say, Jay, if this is your story, I could see you doing this. - Yeah. - Sure. - You could vote me if you'd like. - The nail in the coffin for me is just going, I was wrong. I can, it just, it does sound like something Big Jay would say, just still. - Nah, somebody gotta vote for Lewis. Vote for Lewis, bruh, 'cause he does this. He does this all the time. - You do have to vote. - Do I direct people onto other people? - He does this, he does this. - I do it all the time on the show that you're supposed to do that on? Yes. The entire concept of the show. - And Lewis' defense is it is the game. - Actually, now I'm rethinking it, 'cause now I'm like, oh shit, maybe Lewis wrote something really Big Jay-like so that I would vote for Big Jay. - I think it's Josie. - I would never say that I was wrong. I would never admit that. I'm a girl. - It's either Big Jay or Josie. What do you think, Andrew? - I heard you say you were wrong, Josie. - I'm split. I'm still, I know it's, you know, it's definitely not naive, I think. Not much I'm certain of. I'm still trying to rule it out. - Yeah, black guys don't have crushes. If they like somebody, they're like, yo, what's up, bitch, let's do this. - Yeah, yup, exactly. - And if they say no, you kidnap their cousin. Philly rules. - Just to spread it out, I'm going with Lewis. - Ooh, nice. - Who are you putting, Josie, Jay? - Yeah, I don't think it's you. - What does the audience think, Big Jay or Josie? - Big Jay. - Josie. - We got a lot of, oh my God. - I'm going Josie, only 'cause she voted so early. She looked like she was trying to throw it on Jay in a definitive way. - Nope. - Let's see, Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number one is down. - Story number one belongs to Big Jay Ogerson. - Of course it was. - Hell yeah, knew it. Hell yeah, let's fucking go. Let's go. - Jay, you can't put a story that you've told me 15 times. You've told me this story when boys have said mean things to me, you're like, yeah, I one time said something mean to a girl I like, too. You've given this as a pep talk. - To be fair, Josie, he thought he was looking at a sunset, so that's what it is. - I did. - He was just whispering his thoughts to the sun. - I thought you were Dawn. - Let's go, we on the board. - Janessa Faragelli, man, I was so into her and my friend, TJ, TJ Weinstock was dating her for a little bit, and I was so bummed out by that, and then they broke up, and then he's just around me and other friends, like, just talking guy talk and whatever, like, he's hyping up the story or whatever, he was like, she was crying or whatever, and I was like, go eat another cheeseburger, bitch. And like, 'cause, you know, she was chubby, and I thought attainable for me, but it turns out not. - We get turned down by a fat chick, like, what the fuck is going on in my life? - She wasn't a fat chick. TJ was popular and he wanted to date her. - I, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So TJ said mean things about her, and then, so she worked at the West Coast Video up the street from my house. So I went over there to pretend, rent a video to talk to her, and I don't know why, in my mind, when I told her this, she was gonna be like, thank you for telling me. You would never say those things about me and fall into my arms. I was just like, yeah, he said some pretty shitty stuff about you. He was like, whatever, and go get a cheeseburger, you fat bitch, or whatever. And it turns out, she didn't fall into my arms. She got extremely upset, sad, called him, and told him that I said that, and whatever, and like, and he was smaller than me, so the next day in school, when I went to school, he came up to me, he goes, yo, let's talk about this. He goes, let me talk to you for a second. And I go, what's up, dude, you wanna fucking do something? 'Cause I was, in my mind, I go, we're fighting already? And he went, no, why would you do that to me, man? And I was like, I don't know, man, I panicked. I like her, I don't know. He just was a complete adult about it. I was like, so we're fighting? And he was like, what, no. Why would you tell that girl I said those things? The only thing was hurt her feelings. - You betrayed my trust, and now you wanna hit me? - Yeah, you're gonna beat me up after you hurt me? You're gonna hurt my feelings and her feelings? - You're an evil person. - You're a complete monster. - You're bigger than me. - I didn't realize what a monster, I was wrong to everybody. - Yeah, as you're retelling the story now, you're realizing what a piece of shit you were. - Jesus Christ, I knew it was bad, but it was worse than I thought. - Alex, we have one story down, where are our points at? - All right, tied for the lead with two points each, Big Jay Oakerson, Josie Marcellino, and Naeem. - Yeah. - Good job, Naeem. - Good job, Naeem. - Good job, Naeem. shut up this is josie because she's writing fucking naeem that's insane you think all those words yeah i don't know how to write any of that it's either let's discuss it's either naeem or andrew i don't know andrew but i know it could be andrew yo i don't know josie was just talking to me talking to me about trains in the green room it's josie she was just talking to me about trains i was but this is not me i do also like trains casually but i didn't say that i didn't say this also autism goes diagnosed way less frequently in women i've been diagnosed i do think that andrew uh is from canada where trains are probably an exciting thing you know what i mean like it's like moose train you guys have such a loose definition of canada man gravy french fries local broadcasting it sort of that sucks a lot of it i know it's not jay because you don't even ride the subway like you've done that like twice so it's not you i am white grew up that way yeah i mean the story warriors don't give a fuck about trains and i'll die on that hill dude i don't give a fuck about you yeah yeah bro fuck trains so it's that side of the tip we've narrowed it down to that side of the table immediately yo it's josie it's not me she said i love it's not me i do love trains i do josie why would you write a story when you're professing in the back your love of trains when you know you submitted a train story we wasn't even talking nothing about trains she just brought up out of nowhere i love train why you just say that naim is really convincing no i didn't do that i didn't do that so now i feel like it's naim no it's not no no it's got to be naim because the way that it's written even it it does it in a way like he's trying to be cool about i could never give a fuck about a train i feel like alex took out a couple you know what i mean and bros and it's naim punctuated with that in your head and this is him it's possible but i'm telling you naim didn't write passionate casually superior transportation social setting deep on the spectrum this motherfucker wrote you know alex would have had to take some crazy liberties with naim's story yes jay you think there's 11 n words taken out of this story yes jay if you trick me with racism if you convince me with racism and i end up being josie you're playing the game well this is fucking you she is playing do you remember last time when you voted me for every question and you finished dead last i've gotten a zero i have nothing to lose f-t-dub su-fi suck my dick me big jay naim vote for josie andrew why naim why you say naim before josie gets a vote i think he was hiding it i think he's just trying to he was so quick to say she brought up trains and then also it's kind of like you can use ai he was in there when she brought up trains he might have god damn it andrew you're from canada so you have to understand black people don't talk this way well he could he could like he could put it in claude and be like give this white sound you know there's an outside shot he ai'd it five he might be adding layers to the bill that's not a bad theory right there because look at josie voting last to make a fucking dramatic scene jay i think in my heart that this is naim i'm voting for andrew because you've convinced me with racism and if i'm wrong because of you we're having a fight okay well you're gonna get into a fight with the nickelodeon foot logo absolutely dude josie's made 85 percent of gack i'm sorry i'm just gonna keep on calling josie different orange things for the day if you finger josie you have to pull out a flag it's part of the double dare challenge then you have to jump inside a giant mouth alex all of our answers are in story number two story number two belongs to andrew mother fucker i told you it wasn't me i like the trains all right what the fuck bro it's okay to like them it is okay to like them they're so good so did josie really bring up trains i don't know she did i really like she really did i'll never trust you to answer that that's fucking crazy that tells me that you don't listen to me ever because i bring up trains in the green room a lot no no you bring up uh getting a train run on you in the green room a lot i'm not one of your girlfriends lewis damn kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss andrew talk to us about this train uh liking trains you're not obsessed but you do like them a lot they're just it's just better when you're traveling to a gig you got more space than an airplane they don't the security is not as bad it moves more people they have really fast ones in japan that we should have over here to move more people it's just logically it's there's a cafe on most of them there's bathrooms and you don't have to pay attention like to the road you're not driving y'all making me retarded y'all gotta chill however if there's any sort of accident the only person that survives will be unbreakable yes proving my point further what's your favorite type of train andrew that's this thing i'm not like that i'm into them casually i don't know you like every come on what's your thing dude i don't freight like the pass bbc subway the one that i ride the train that carry giant logs i think probably in canada the northeast regional and the one that gets you into the crips it's a very practical affinity it's it's the ones that get me places that's and i think we should have more of them in north america not these guys they're trying to bring back el caminos one ebay rebuild at a time two stories down alex where are points fuck all right in the last place with zero points lewis j gomez it feels good dude tied for third place with two points each big j okerson and naeem ali philly let's go sixers in second place with three points andrew packer come back and in first place with four points josie marcelino oh josie tell me it's planned that you're dressed like that and stress eating nectarines they had him in the green room i can't help it it's insane that you brought that out peeled it and ate it during the reads while looking like one that's crazy i'm sorry i wanted some citrus i'm not eating it into the mike mother fuck alex one like her casual wind style a story was listeners let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show and that of course is ridge and you know rich for their wallets for years now but now you gotta get on the new ridge power bank it's a five-in-one 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it alex story number three story number three one of my exes used to stalk me they caught me coming out of a hotel with a date and shot us with a bb gun naeem convince me this isn't you bro what none of my hoes shoot me with shit bro i'm not i'm a real nigga dog i run a tight program around here ain't none of my bitches shooting me fuck you think i am come on jay you gotta put some respect on my name this could be lewis but i run a tight program around here i would know this story from you would have heard about the time that one of my exes shooting me with a bb gun that's a hundred percent and i wouldn't even press charges because that's objectively hilarious if one of my exes showed up and shot me in some dumb broad with a bb gun it would be so good out of a hotel with a date hilarious that means straight up fucking him that is that's a great point and that's some naeem shit because i even got like two wives so he's got to fuck bitches in hotels that is also lewis shit for sure it is but i would know the fucking lewis also i don't trust you at all now i don't know anything about you you think this is me you know nothing about me and i'm telling you this ain't him one million percent yeah yeah yeah i think we're all certain on that to be fair andrew is dressed like a hunting target yeah he is my thing is if this is naeem why is it not a real gun in philly can i tell you something between josie and andrew it looks like they are dressed to hunt naeem in the woods like surviving the game it looks like you're a crazy husband and wife you have josie luring the black guys with her big tits and fat wagon and then you tell him you're cool with it and you feed him and get him slow and then you fucking hunt him on atvs together and then you guys fuck on his dead body like that bear anyway naeem nah bruh yeah i'm my bitches got real guns like josie said that's the only thing that's throwing me off here and the fact i believe that you've also been shot with a real gun by one of your bitches but i think this is another one of your stories i think you have multiple stories now i know it's lewis because you're going too far naeem is freaking out right now he knows his entire game has fallen apart he's about to be oh and five with a left-handed nigga get shot with a gun never before you say i don't want to lead you at all but i'm just going to tell you wait before you let go of that yeah because you're it's not even me you're voting for i'm just going to tell you i feel like you might not be wrong because i feel like i would know the story of lewis told us but i'm also i've smoked a lot of pot i've smoked a lot of pot and i this is one of the things where lewis will get mad afterwards and go dude i've told you the story a thousand times and i'm like oh shit i forgot it could happen now you just confused me yeah you didn't help you didn't help me at all look at naeem's acting right now this is all smoke and mirrors right now no this lewis let's say i got it andrew packer is putting my name down andrew why are you thinking it's me i just it's it's you tried to force it i don't know it seems like something that would happen to you on it does he's puerto rican look at him he's puerto rican bro i could be wrong with bb guns maybe i'm wrong i might be wrong here i'm gonna say lewis because if it's naeem i kind of want him to get points if i had to choose one of them to get points i would like naeem to get points more no offense i'm sorry that's what you get for being a prison guard over at whore prison he's never won it's been five games josie if you're here who's being the university of tennessee right now yeah i don't understand that joke the big orange come on that's their colors all of her answers are in story number three belongs to naeem ali hell yeah it was me yeah this was the day before this was the day before i got married and my fucking head and my my soon-to-be wife checked my location and came to the hotel and saw me walking out drunk wait your soon-to-be wife yeah it says one of your exes but now it's my ex-wife obviously it didn't work what did y'all think it worked what the fuck she called me cheating the day before we got married what are you saying oh so it's one of his exes now so you were cheating on the woman you were marrying the next day yeah we were getting married the next day and then she shot you with a bb gun with a bb gun did she break skin hell yeah why she hit me like six times that bitch got aimed that bitch got aimed like a motherfucker can you see and she hit the bitch she hit me and the bitch bro i don't like that you pointed at me i'm sorry and then you had to go get married with bb holes in your skin yeah yep yep the next day did any part of you think you were getting real shot i did i really did i'm like oh this bitch killing me i'm like damn i'm like damn i'm dying well bb gun is even more nerve-wracking than real gun shots because you're here yeah yep yep you're feeling the the holes i'm like this bitch got a silencer on this this bitch killing me this is nuts i really thought i was dying did you know it was her when you were being shot yeah i saw the car i'm like oh she's in a drive-by black thing to do yeah yep she pulled through the window nigga and look in the way she pulled up she she had to roll down the passenger side window so she was from the in the driver's side shooting through the passenger side hell yeah it just hit me i'm like ah fuck what's happening this bitch got great aim i bet you outside if you had watched you would have seen a lot of dead squirrels around she's been practicing that's like a low stakes version of what happened to ricky and boys in the hood no you were gonna play college ball how was the um how was the wedding the wet was fun lovely lovely mazel mazeltov that was a lot of fun did you address it in your vows fuck no they're like if anyone thinks that these two shouldn't be married there's a girl with holes in her chest in the back like before we got married my my best friend was like bro don't do don't do this shit bro he's like you ain't ready for this dog and i was like i am i got it i didn't have it i didn't have it uh alex three stories down give us our point spread all right in last place with two points lewis j gomez in fourth place with with three points andrew packer very nice and tied for first place with four points each big j okerson josie marcellino and naeem ali oh my god lewis I promise you, I'm going to make sure we take home Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction, the book which focuses on recognizing the warning signs of sexual addiction from denial and double lives to the endless promise that this is the last time. We need this book. Did you just hear the last story? I've said these exact words to myself so many times. Why is this? What's the funny joke here? Carnes explains how the cycle keeps repeating no matter how many dramatic vows are made in the mirror afterward. In the revised third edition, he also addresses cyber sex addiction, showing how new technology can make addiction easier to feed, harder to escape, and more difficult to recognize. I don't know if you heard the last story. Naeem Neal. Needs this book. I really do need this book. I really do. I have to win. I need this book. Y'all need the book. Alex, story number four. Story number four. I became so obsessed with my favorite porn star that when I met them, I began to cry. Hey, y'all. That is a woman thing to do. Yeah, y'all. Whoever did this is a fucking loser. Women don't have favorite porn stars. Women definitely. Especially you, you little sexual deviant. I know what the fuck's going on with you. I can't name a single porn star. Oh, really, miss? Just did five years in whore prison? Trying to get back on your feet? Give her sister a chance? I just did the SDR show. I cannot name the porn star I beat in Scattergories. I do not know her name. It doesn't matter. That's a current porn star. This is when you were younger. When you play Scattergories with a porn star, it involves shit. Yeah. Scattergories. I want to think this is Lewis. I feel like it's Lewis. What? You think I began to cry when I met my favorite porn star? Yes. You didn't have a mom. Yeah, you didn't. This probably. Damn. Oh, shit. That's not true. I had a mom. My mom was, she died when I was 22, Josie. And she was a prostitute. You had some mommy issues. Before I had memories. All right, but you do be crying. I saw you crying. You do be crying. You do be crying should be your podcast name. You bring guys on to cry and go, but you do be crying and you just shame them. I do know that Lewis does cry a lot, but I couldn't imagine it. Don't cry a lot. Don't, what do you say, a lot? I get emotional and I'm a man and I'm in touch with my emotions. And that's, and by the way, women like that. And that's why I need this book because women throw pussy at me regularly. When I cry. You cried twice about Dave leaving Legion of skanks. It was crazy. You didn't cry any times. I know we're all adults. It's fine. I'll see him. He wasn't going off to fuck. He wasn't moving to another. Country is still where he's at. He doesn't do show anymore. You won't see Dave until Skank Fest. What are you talking about? I don't know if I'm going to see him at Skank Fest. My point is I can walk away from anything in an instant if I feel the heat coming around the corner. Look, if you think I cry, please put my name down. I want everyone to waste their points. I think it's either you or Andrew because I don't know Andrew. And you want to be quiet. Yeah, I'm at a heavy disadvantage because I don't know you guys well enough. Yeah. Also, Andrew, do you love porn? That's a great question. Nah. Who's your favorite porn star? Yeah, I don't. You don't have one. You're in Camel with a gold chain. You love porn. Yeah, he lying. He lying. Love porn. Yeah, he lying. He lying. To say you don't like porn and don't know any porn star's names and don't have a favorite at all ever in your life is fucking crazy. Bro, what type of nigga don't like porn? He lying. And you're from Canada. You're from Canada, so y'all be crying. No, I just try to not-- They be crying. Oh, yeah. No, I just saw a twinkle in Louis's eyes. Drake, the beaver population's down, whatever makes you guys cry. What'd you say? What'd you say, Andrew? I saw a twinkle in your eyes. No, those are tears welling up. I'm about to cry. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He really wants the book. He gets emotional about everything. I think it's quite clearly you, and I can confidently tell you guys. You guys are just going to dump points on Josie right now. It's insane. Why would this be me? Because you're a fucking woman, and a woman would get emotionally attached to a porn star. They think of sex-- shut the fuck up, bitch. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry if that's your wife. Shut the fuck up. Oh, it's strange. You can't. Based on the board of ladies. We're never going to get this show on Netflix with this. Hang on. Hey, yo. Women of the audience, clap if you know the name of a porn star. You're not a woman. I said women of the audience. Yeah, you a nigga, bro. Naeem, who's your favorite porn star? Oh, Cherokee, probably, or-- That's a call. Cherokee the ass? Yeah, Cherokee the ass. It's D apostrophe ass. Yeah. It used to be Pecky, but then she got-- She got fat. It used to be Pecky, but then-- She got big and fat. Yeah, she got fat as shit. I thought Naeem was jerking off to an SUV. I really did. Oh. Josie, who's your favorite porn star? Joanna Angel. And the only reason is because-- Oh, I thought you couldn't name a single porn star. The only reason-- By the way, she met Joanna Angel at Dance Digital. The only reason is because I met her twice at HSR. So that's why-- and that's recorded. I did not cry. I met her twice at HSR. Damn. And she was nice to me. Now I'm confused. I'm not overthinking it. This is Louis. Y'all keep confusing me. Josie is my final answer. This is a woman's move. I kind of want to go Andrew, but I-- That's an insane proposition. I feel like it's Louis. It's not. I've never met a porn star. Andrew, I'm not in those circles. Andrew's a nice guy. He's not a deviant like that. He's not-- But you don't know him. You don't know him. Actually, I was at Skankfest. I did meet a porn star. But I didn't cry. I didn't know she was a porn star. Until she fist-fucked your ass. Bro, y'all confusing. Yeah. You must be a pro. I didn't know you were there for that. I don't know. That's crazy. I'm always there. I mean, to be fair, when I met my favorite porn star, she did mace me, and my eyes did tear. So I guess that counts. I don't think I ever met my favorite porn star. When I was a young man, it was a heavy bushed hot chick named Raquel Darien. Oh, I remember Raquel Darien. Oh, everyone votes Louis. You guys are-- oh, somebody, probably Josie, just cleaned the fuck up. That's insane. Fuck. That's insane. It's not me. It's not me, dummy. Damn it. Alex, whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to Josie Marcelino. God damn. It was fucking Joanne Angel. It wasn't. It wasn't. I lied about that. My favorite porn star's name is Nina Hartley, and I-- she looks a lot-- a lot like the therapist that I had at the time when I met her. And you look like-- Why is she your favorite? She had a great ass when she was young. I think some of my wires got crossed, because she looked exactly like my therapist, Miss Susan. And-- God damn it. Miss Susan? What are you, a black child? Who the fuck calls another adult "Miss" first name? And I met-- well, I had her as a therapist when I was a child. So she was Miss Susan. And-- Oh, you were a black child. Yeah, basically. And then I met her at-- exactly. Oh, you were a black child. That's why you're dressed like a bottle of Fanta. Yes. She was a black child. Don't show Wanta. Wanta, Wanta. Don't show Wanta. It's orange drink. Thank you. And yeah, no, then I met her at Exotica, and I started to tear up a little bit. So yeah. Aw. Nah. I fucking hate this. Well, good. Those tears probably put some water in that Tang outfit you have on. All right, Alex. We're up next. Fuck. Josie just ate there. Damn. All right. In last place, with-- Three points. Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with four points each. Luis J. Gomez, Big J. Oakerson, and Naeem Ali. Yeah. Philly and Luis. And in the lead with seven points, Josie Marcelino. Yo, this game not fair. This game not fair. No. No. It is. Women too good at lying, bruh. This not fair. It's not. They great liars. It's not not fair. I know Josie enough to know, like, Josie's like-- she's got charts at home and studied this game. Yeah. Yeah, yup. I just watch it. Yeah. I just like it. No. Josie's going to-- Josie's going to-- And I listen to my friends when they talk. So I know how you guys talk. You guys never listen to me, which is crazy. Ever. I would say most of our friendship is, every time I hear your voice, I go, that's what she sounds like. Yeah, Josie's really good at lying, because she's dressed like a tiger. Come on, folks. Oh. There we go. It's a bad joke. I'm allowed to throw out bad jokes. It's the halfway point of the show, guys. At this point, we're going to go around the horn and get some plugs, plug some dates, some podcasts, all that stuff. Andrew Packer, what are you plugging, my friend? I'm going to be in Chicago on Friday, Madison on Saturday. Got a full tour on punchup.live at Andrew Packer. Yeah, I should let you know this isn't coming out for like a month. But anyway, those shows were incredible. You did kill those shows. I got a special that I'm shooting in Toronto June 25th and 26th, so you can check that out. Hell yeah, dude. Go check it out. Andrew's hilarious. He goes viral all the time. Very, very funny comedian. Naeem Ali. Do Reagan a dare tag. Subscribe. Get on the Patreon. Best podcast in the fucking world. Naeem Ali saves the world. Tune in. We changing lives over there, bruh. And we is changing lives. changing lives, dog. Don't you guys hate Never mind, I'm not going to say it. But tune in, bro. And I'm going to be everywhere this summer. I'm in Ohio, Kentucky, Cali. We everywhere, bro. Jump on that Instagram. Oh, yeah. Josie Marcellino. I got nothing, but I'll probably have something at some point. So follow me. All my social media is just at Josie Marcellino. Okay. All right. Big J. Just listen to the Bonfire. Listen to Legion of Skanks over here on Gas Digital. And BigJComedy.com for all my dates. Hell, yeah. Thank you. First thing first, go buy some Skank Fest tickets. I'm sure at this point, single-day passes are still available. So come to Skank Fest here. Plenty of story war shows happening at Skank Fest. Buy my book, Knives and Spoons, available on Amazon at Barnes & Noble. And if you love this show, you should subscribe to Gas Digital. We do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show that gets a pre-release every Monday night. So if you're watching this on YouTube right now, you should know that you could have watched it Monday, uncensored, ad-free, racist live chat. It's so much fun. Uncensored live chat. It gets pretty crazy over at the Gas Digital Network. GasDigital.com. Use the promo code WAR, and you save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly, and it helps support uncensored, ad-free comedy. Hell, yeah. Thank you. We have now. We've reached the second half of the show, where I'd have to assume Andrew. You're probably feeling pretty low right now, like you're probably out of this thing. I know you're one point behind three of us, and four points behind Josie, but this is all able to be turned around in just one round, because what you might not know, as a foreign friend, a visitor to our fine country. And Josie can tell you this, because she is a former story warrior. For the second half of the show, we always go. Double points. I live Sufi life now. Andrew, I'll over-explain it, because I know it is your first time here on the show. It's very simple. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now jumps up to double points. Dane Cook for life. and a half. Alex, story number six. Story number five. Alex, story number five. Story number five. I've been so obsessed with games on my phone that I've easily spent thousands of dollars on in-game purchases over the last several years. Alright, I'm getting Big J vibes on this one. Big J plays Candy Crush. I do. He loves Candy Crush and he'll play like Jeopardy or Family Feud was the one and he would pay for it. You paid for that? I've never on my life one time paid for Family Feud. You've never paid for Family Feud? Okay, but you have told me that you spent thousands of dollars on Candy Crush which is embarrassing. No, he said he spent thousands of dollars on candy. He crushed the candy. Yeah, that was it. No, but you do play a lot of phone games and I think this is you. I do play a lot of phone games. That's almost my point. I have a lot of phone games. So when my lives run out on one, I just move on to the next. I don't think you do that. I spend money on games. Yeah, it doesn't sound like bullshit. I don't believe anything you're saying right now. I know. It's probably because Josie said I've told her this story for the second time that my stories come up. It's destroying the game internally. Stop telling me stories. Play the game, Josie Marcellino. For Christ's sakes. Oh, God. I didn't think you were going to give up. It's a massacre. What a massacre. You told me this exact story. Why would you not fight back? Hey, Jay, you told me this exact story again. All right. I've seen this story so many times. Josie, it would behoo of you for the game to not tell everybody that because then you can get the points and the game is not a complete neutral push. Two times you've done that now massacring this episode. Jay, I've seen this game so many times and you have called out Louis for telling stories. You've called out other people for telling stories. This is batshit what you've done. Why would you not just lie? The whole game is a lie. Hey, Josie, maybe you don't come to our show and dress like a bag of Cheetos and expect us to give you the fucking. God damn. It is easy being cheesy. Well, now you've made me feel bad for playing the game. You didn't play the game. You played it right, Josie. Why would you not lie? Well, let me just say this. Look, to be fair, Jay's right. Even if you know. Because there are certain times. I'll pull the curtain aside here. Me and Jay know each other for a long time. If I know it's Jay's story, if I know for a fact, I'm never like, oh, everyone, it's definitely Jay's story. I know for a fact. Because I'm trying to get the most points. He told me the story, yeah. I'm trying to get the most points. I just love being right. All right, I'm sorry. Well, just tell me. You don't gotta tell everybody. That's true. Okay, I'll do that for now on. That would make more sense. I'll do that for now on. Here's the point, though. It sort of makes the round to wash. It doesn't matter. You're just fucking. You're just bending Jay over like a big orange dildo and pounding him in his ass. Another story of mine probably will not come up. I am out of this game. You went with zero stories. You know that. And you're doing great. Not from where we're at. Alex. God, Dale. Whose story was story number five? Story number five belongs to Big Jay Overson. Hell yeah. That's right. Josie, go on and tell them. Candy Crush. Planes. Spent a lot of money. To be fair, Jay, I will say I was already voting for you because. Great! Damn, he's mad for real now. I'm sorry. No, it's not. It's just. It's a wash round. It becomes a wash round. Please still let me open for you. No, that's. Those days are over. It's over. That ship has sailed, Garfield. You can, however. You can, however, hold on to my back passenger window to make people who drive by happy. I'm sorry. I mean, is there anything more to the story? Did Josie really. Sounds like we have to add something to the pre-show speech. I mean, to be fair, Ralph. Yeah. Thousands of dollars. Candy Crush. Next story. Ralph did the exact same play with you and you hadn't told him that and he got all the points because he got everyone to vote for you. Yeah. So that happened. So that could. If it wasn't Josie just doing that, it could have been that. Except she did it twice on both stories of mine. It was borderline crazy. Now, story number six. Scores, right? Plug it in. Fuck you, dude. Josie really just ruined this show. We're all over the place right now because of Josie Marcellino. Josie's last appearance, everyone. Come on, folks. Come on. That's right. She's going to be 2-0 forever. I'm so sorry. Alex, where are points at? All right. Now, in last place with four points, Big Jay Oakerson. They still love me, Josie, and you'll just be a memory. In fourth place with seven points, Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with eight points each, Luis J. Gomez and Naeem Ali. Let's fucking go. And in first place with 11 points, Josie Marcellino. Wow. It feels dirty now. I don't even. I don't even want it now. Now my friends are sad. This stinks. No, it's all right. It's all right. It's still anybody's game, truly. Probably not Jay's, but it's truly anybody's game. Yeah. You only fuck Jay. It's okay. All right, folks. Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee, my company, for supporting the show. You guys know and love Body Brain Coffee. Just five simple ingredients, premium freeze-dried coffee that will help you feel like the best version of yourself. It's got Tonka Dali, which is linked to testosterone support, Lion's Mane mushrooms, which help with focus and memory, Ashwagandha, which puts you in a great mood, and it smooths everything out with L-theanine. But I also want to talk about our brand new Body Brain Creamer, which is a completely different stack of nootropics and adaptogens that is designed to stack with Body Brain Coffee. You don't need to take 10 pills every morning in order to get everything that you guys want. It's got a C8 MCT and coconut milk powder base, plus it's got cordyceps mushrooms, collagen, a little bit of Ceylon cinnamon for flavor, and rhodiola rosé, which really makes me feel fucking great. When I take this stack, I feel like I'm a million bucks. I'm so much sharper. I have so much more energy. Why drink an energy drink or take a bunch of pills when you can have one incredible cup of coffee? Jay, you're choking right now, but it's weird. That creamer feels so cool in my asshole. It does. It cools it down, right? Especially on these hot summer days we're about to hit here. We're hitting record numbers here in New York, Louis. I don't know if you've seen the news, but it's record numbers out there. Well, that's the beautiful part about the creamer and the coffee is you can drink it iced, which is great in the summer. Hot in the wintertime. So, Jay, if your asshole gets a little bit chilly in the wintertime, guess what? Just funnel it right into your butthole. Do you use a funnel or do you just pour the powder directly into your butt? Do you mix it first as a liquid or do you powder your butt? No, I hear it. I bend it in half. I open the packet. I bend. it in half and then i like edge it in there a little bit and oh the packet yeah i put the packet right in yeah and then but i pulled the packet out i just ripped the top of the packet and like so my ass holds its own funnel you understand i get oh and you kind of like do a little like like uh the truffle shuffle to mix it up we'd be surprised if you work your stomach muscles enough your ass is very um bottomless almost jay big jay is known for working his stomach muscles a lot that's one of the things about him but either way guys try the creamer and try the coffee you can get them both right now at bodybraincoffee.com use the promo code war20 for 20 off all right where were we all right story warriors let's talk about our favorite boots in the world which is brunt workwear genuinely the best work boots you're ever going to get if you guys work a tough job a lot we have a lot of blue collar fans of these shows you guys are out all day long on your feet all day long you need to feel good these boots feel like they're an old broken in pair of sneakers that you've had for years and years and years and years but they're brand new boots i own two pair myself jay i know you own a pair they're the best boots you're ever going to own in your entire life they feel like comfortable old sneakers but they still make you look like a total hard-working badass just don't feel my fans for calluses please i'm out there faking the funk but here's the thing brunt doesn't care they don't care if you're doing actual work or if you just want to wear them for fashion or because they're comfortable they are the most comfortable boots you're ever going to get that's a fact for sure and for a limited time story wars fans are going to get ten dollars off at brunt when you use code wars at checkout that's the code wars with a z w a r z over at brunt workwear.com use the code wars and you're just good to go it's that simple brunt workwear.com check them out right now get yourself a pair all right where were we uh alex story number six story number six i was obsessed with tits as a kid and would compulsively draw nipples on every picture of a lady and i was obsessed with tits as a kid and i was obsessed with tits as a kid and i i got my hands on now you said you weren't gonna have another story you piece of shit really josey's gonna be like j drew nipples on my tits when i show him a picture of me he told me specifically about all the nipples that he would draw uh i mean i will say that if it wasn't your story the last story i would definitely think this is you josey are you sure he hasn't told you this exact story i don't want to say anything anymore she's saying she has me down no don't look at my thing but it's because that's making me think it's her because it's certainly not me they're not putting it's not gonna be a third one in a fucking row of me first that's totally possible you're the only one i can picture doing this go ahead then everybody write me down josey i mean this is i hope to god it's josey and she yeah i think i hope by this next round she has 75 points and the rest of us don't give a fuck you know i will say that jay also draws nice tits you do oh you oh you draw tits he draws good tits oh yeah those are some bangers you got some knockers right there bro you've had practice come on you've had well you've also had practice tits are better yeah lewis's tits are better lewis's tits are better jay's tits are more realistic which tells me he's had practice stop talking about our tits it's making me self-conscious shit i just feel like the focus is on the nipples it sounds like something like deep on the spectrum you do you you look at tits and you go those need nipples like somebody who really likes trains might do it oh wow i mean you can go at me but you guys are gonna wash all your points i mean i'm i don't care i've already lost i'm assuming what that means is like on magazines anytime there's a woman they would draw nipples on them i would do stuff like that but i would i would draw i mean everything i would draw like devil horns and a dick and a swastika on their forehead but you do a tits on there yeah i dress some tits on them every once in a while yo he'd be doing shit like this bro i think see i don't know what the right this is very lewis has to doodle and when we do legion of skanks i look down sometimes and i'm happy that we don't have an overhead camera because he's drawn for some reason upside down crosses crosses on fire and swastikas that's my little i literally sometimes he turns the swastikas into cubes and then he starts another swastika and then sometimes it's a box with flames coming to the top of the box and then also sometimes the cross will turn into a box with flames but before it's a box with flames it's a burning cross on a piece of paper and then no an upside down cross a burning cross yeah i've convinced myself a swastika is so fun to draw it's not not fun i mean it's the most satisfying thing you could ever fucking nail dude it's like you know the s where you'd connect the lines it's like that but easier and you know what's funny if you draw it the opposite direction it means peace in some kind of weird mayan language but it's not as fun to draw that way lewis stop drawing swastikas this isn't skanks no i'm not drawing swastikas lewis stop drawing a bunch of swastikas stop connecting swastikas to make a word no but i am drawing the s's like that and i drew ss there you go ss who does that mean no it's not naeem it's definitely not me this could be anybody this is just something i would never say compulsively he's right that is my checkout i'm torn between lewis and jay yes ain't so am i well because this could but it could be andrew but i also told you this story that one time but i also i almost i also confessed this to you one time in a hotel i'm so sorry that was pillow talk i'm so sorry i'm just lost in it this is like the opposite of the opening scene of super bad you know there's the obsessive kid yeah like yeah not dicks but at least it's tits and not the dicks tits are hard to draw no they didn't like a literally three seconds yeah they did that so fast like a dick you just want me to do a different kind i'll do a different kind i'm not gonna change my answer but i'll draw some different kinds okay draw some beast things some little bit some little bids a little bit sure sure man fuck that i don't mind small tits torn between the two of them you think it's me i don't know i don't trust you anymore okay you've ruined our trust josie yeah these ones are different sizes because that's natural my heart says jay but if this is lewis i'm gonna say tits are like uh they're sisters not twins my heart's saying jay i'm gonna go jay my heart's kind of saying big jay too he's drawing more tits draw some saggy ones i am so i'm doing right now wait he's putting in requests is jay gonna get two three stories in two in a row in round two is insane that is crazy that's why i had to go but they do randomly generate the order of the stories it can happen you can get three stories we had somebody get three stories once we had karen fionn win with no stories this is gonna get us demonetized we'll just blur it it's fine who is that an african lady why don't you learn about culture josie you know what i'm changing it to andrew he he had the autistic qualities with the trans this is an autistic quality as well it is i think that this is big j deep down i'm like this is something big j definitely did even it's not i've told everything to josie if she doesn't know oh she did guess me oh it's probably me hey yo this isn't fun anymore i'm so sorry but i will say that just by the odds like even though it's randomly drawn the odds are it's not your story too and around the second half so i'm gonna go andrew based off of that damn it probably is andrew unless it's naim alex story number six belongs to josie marcel yes you see that see that see that let's go and i will tell you right now the further josie pulls ahead the more jay is gonna hate it i feel so bad tonight i might take pills and see what god chooses josie tell us a story you're obsessed with tits as a kid yeah i was obsessed with tits as a kid and you know grew up in a house with like the most excessive child locks on the computer so i couldn't see them so i just had to draw them and i wasn't really good at drawing them i would just do circles like just big circles i huge areolas on every person that i drew but on everything that i had except like you know pictures of like family and shit but like in a magazine cartoons anything everybody everybody got nipples all right josie marcelino yeah pulling ahead deep ahead six stories down alex we're our points at stuck in last place with four points big jay okerson jesus christ god damn i could have been home i got a pack i'm looking for vegas in the morning i got a busy day ahead of me i could have been doing anything else i'll send you so many pictures of fair abraham's asshole and shit whatever i have to do to make up for this alex continue i do appreciate that yeah In fourth place with seven points, Andrew Packer. In third place with eight points, Louis J. Gomez. In second place with 12 points, Naeem Ali. Let's fucking go, bro. And in the lead with 17 points, Josie Marcelino. Jesus Christ. 17 is crazy. That's crazy. It's a shame because she is undeniably great at the game, but this is her last appearance on the show. I'm so sorry. It's like kicking Jordan out in his prime. It's insane. Hey, thanks for that second championship. Bye. Body cam videos, Farrah Abraham shit pictures. Anything you want. I'm so sorry. Josie, your betrayal. Remember I used that word earlier? Alex. Story number seven. Story number seven. While going through puberty, I would masturbate to anyone of the opposite sex that came on the television. It didn't matter what they looked like. Oh, come on, bro. I wrote Andrew, and I'm working backwards from there. Yeah. That's a good start. Yeah. You'll need to work backwards. Anyone of the opposite sex. Anyone. This is the fact that Joe. That sounds like another woman fucking story, to be honest. It does sound like a woman story. Anybody. Masturbating to anybody is crazy. I'm sorry. You think women masturbate to anybody? Maybe. I mean, girls that were molested by Miss Susan's something. Andrew, you're touching your face a lot now. No, it is. It is. It is. It is. It is. Andrew, you look like a fucking freak. I know it's not Jay, because Jay has standards. He didn't masturbate to just anyone. You're great. Well, stop kissing his ass. You stink, Josie. I love you. I don't just masturbate to anybody. Thank you, Josie. You're so great. You're such a great guy. To be honest, I can see this being Big Jay's story very easily. No, you can't. It could be. It's Andrew. I'm sure of it. I mean, why is it not you? It's not me for sure. Josie, give me some. Give me some of that fucking nectarine. It'll never be me. I didn't jack off until I was 20. Andrew, how old are you? What? I'm 32. 32 years old. You're young. What do you mean you didn't jack off until you were 20? Well, in my hood, they said it was gay, so I didn't do it. I do know that about you. You do know? Yeah, that's just a real thing. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what'll end it down. Big Jay is almost 50 years old, so back then, there was only six or seven channels, so I could see that actually kind of makes sense. Yeah, I mean, the UPN turned things around. For sure. Wait, I gotta piss. I'll be back, but it's Andrew, y'all. Oh, well, put your vote in. Put your vote in. Put my vote in. I think it's Andrew as well. It's definitely Andrew. He did this. I'm getting Andrew vibes. I'm torn between Andrew and Lewis. He did this. Lewis is also the horniest person I've ever met in my life. It absolutely could be Lewis. And it should be known that Josie's come on the road with me, and I've never tried. Not once. Not even lifted my direction. And I'm the horniest person. But you're constantly masturbating to every woman on television. To anyone. You're out of cum. No, it's because I'm not going to fuck Tony the Tiger, Jay. That's insane. What are you talking about, dude? Her pussy's great. That's crazy. Why would you not? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the joke of the show. Oh, man. I was going to let my dad watch this episode. I can't now. Don't have him. Do not have him. I'm torn between Lewis and Andrew. Lewis, why would you say this isn't you? I mean, I am a hornball. To win the game. I mean, if I would admit that it was me and it was me, that would be a terrible strategy, first of all. But second of all, yeah, I mean, I am a hornball. I did jerk off a lot going through puberty, but I would jerk off to porn. Porn came out when I was going through puberty. Okay. How old are you? Andrew or Lewis? I'm 44. Okay. Seems like it would have been less accessible, so. No, it wasn't. It was very. Why would you ask me? Yeah. Why even talk to me, Andrew? If you're just going to fucking shut me down and put my fucking name in the slot, you piece of shit. He goes, let me ask you a question. And when you start answering, he goes, I don't give a fuck what you're supposed to answer. I'm not going to talk to you all day. Holy shit. Black people piss for a while. Alex, do me a favor. How did G. Mike do a table drum roll? Table drum roll until Naeem comes back from missing. Alex, who masturbated to anyone on TV? Lewis, Jay, Goldman. Yes! It was me. Oh, Josie got it right. Lewis must have told her that on one of the shows they did. Now, Josie might have read my book, Knives and Spoons, where I did go into detail about that. I would go through every channel. I didn't. I made it a game. Hey. I didn't. I made it a game where I would flip through the channels, and the game was I had to jerk off to whatever woman was on the TV. And then it was like roulette. I would keep on jerking off until I finally found one that I would come to, but I would go in order. So if it was Oprah, I'd be jerking off to Oprah. If it was the news lady, if it was whoever it was, and I would go through, and I would just keep on going until I busted a nut. And I did that for probably two years straight. Fuck. My mom was a prostitute. You guys found out. I'm so sad for you that a beautiful, ethnic woman walked by while you told that story. It made me so uncomfortable for you. He's the horniest guy I've ever met. That is true. I should have known. I'm sorry, Andrew. You're not a freak. I'm sorry. Andrew, I'm sorry. I'm sure you have a great family, and I'm sorry I accused you of that. Seven stories down. Alex, where are our points at? All right. In last place with four points, Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson. In fourth place with 11 points, Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with 12 points each, Louis J. Gomez and Naeem Ali. And in the lead with 21 points. What the fuck, man? Josie Marcelino. Just so you know, it has now become impossible for anyone else to win. Yep. So your newest story, we're going to play the last round. Yeah, Cheetos. Josie kneecapped the show. I'm so sorry. The rest of us are sitting here going, why? Why? For shits and gigs. Right? Josie, it's so exciting that you're going to be getting to read. I'm going to be reading the book, Out of the Shadows, which is a practical recovery-oriented book, which is meant to help readers understand their disorder and find the path out of it. The book frames recovery as possible, aiming to move people from isolation and compulsion towards honesty, healing, and a fuller life. For the hell of it. Somebody said, drop it. Draw some nipples on it. That's pretty good. Now, don't you dare, Jay. No, go ahead. Draw nipples on it. It's just two nipples. I just drew nipples. Alex, for the hell of it, story number eight. Story number eight. I was obsessed with creating mysteries. In high school, I would cut school, break into people's houses while they were at work, and rearrange. Wow, Lewis, wow. You hear break in, and it's the first nigga you see? That's nuts. That's crazy. I would break into their houses while they were at work and rearrange all of their shit. I'd put the living room furniture in the dining room. I'd take all of their clothes out of their closet and put them in the tub. I wouldn't steal anything, and I'd leave $2 or some candy under their pillow. Oh, that's Andrew. He's a freak. How are you back on this? He's a freak. Is it Andrew or Josie? Andrew's a freak. That's the most Canadian break-in I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, bro. What do you mean you leave candy at $2? What are you, the nicest thief ever? I gotta find out which one of you guys is acting like some type of fairy here. This is not. You. It's for sure you. And you got on camouflage. You're trying to hide and be sneaky, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put your Tim Hortons. Smug in the underneath. Underneath the sink, eh? Oh, did you find a loonie in your medicine cabinet? What did you do now? Unalphabetized your Nickelback CDs. Oh, I poured out one-third of your maple syrup bottle. I unknotted all of your Avril Lavigne ties. I peed on your Rick Moranis DVD set. I'm almost out. I'm almost out. Rick Moranis. I'm almost out. I turned. the snowshoes on your wall upside down down I did I did y'all sound like leprechauns I officially whale blubbered your insides of your walls to keep them warm in the winter hey bud beaver oh I defrosted your car I did without you even knowing it oh beaver you know yeah I say uh here's the thing right I'm not a hundred percent positive this is Andrew who gives a shit it's over man let's go home I want well hold on we do get lifetime points they keep tracking this shit dude I want to get my lifetime points doggy wait is lifetime points yeah there's people online they're obsessed they have like points they have fucking rank inks this week gave me he showed me gave me a mock-up of a score sheet he keeps in his house yeah do the game this guy brought a pad to vote with us every time let me see who you voted for this time look Naeem wait you wrote my name wrong as fuck is that you know what it was I if you started to write the n-word then he realized that he was gonna get a job I'm and I GM it seems like something that Josie would do I this this is so elaborate it's so thought out no I steal breaking into people's houses while they're at work is a really ballsy thing yeah Jay would not do that I would do something like this right this is like for fun this is the type of shit that I would get into I connect with Naeem on this type of shit Josie learned her lesson because that's the sound of Josie working on the chain gay Yang what if I'm breaking this on my house I'm leaving with something bro yeah you think I'm not leaving with something Naeem's not leaving goodies behind I'm leaving with something that's all I'm saying huh Louis is not leaving Andrew is Andrew he's a freak I've been telling y'all that since the game started he's a freak look I said it every time he is a complete freaking freak this is a fun prank that you're not really doing anything wrong yeah um reminds me of the great uh a great Dane Cook bit uh the B&E bit where he would break into people's house and not steal anything and they'd freak out that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying you know um I think it's Josie she's just it's giving I think everything's Josie I it's gotta be although if Josie broke into somebody you could see her from fucking space she's dressed as a as those landing things for airplanes yeah yeah yeah uh Naeem or Andrew Naeem or Andrew it doesn't really matter I'm going to Naeem my first first NSYNC is Naeem Ali racist God forbid Josie if this is you you fucking parking cone I'm gonna get fucking furious she's gonna end with 55 points record yeah what the fuck Alex this is like Kobe's 80 point game story number eight belongs to Naeem yes that's me I did it I did that so you mean Andrew's not a freak no Andrew's not a freak I told you guys he's not a freak you did but then you turned it back I believed you yeah no you all jumped on it yeah I'm sorry he's not a freak I'm the freak Naeem you never got caught with any of this I never got caught bro how many times did you do this bro at least 27 times at least 27 times no one had security systems at all no fuck no bro well you gotta think this is when I was in like ninth grade so this is like 2001 easy break-ins yeah lift up the window go in drag the couch to the dining room you know go upstairs take the clothes out of the closet put them in the tub turn the water on and leave stuff and leave stuff bro I would leave two dollars into the pillow leave candy on the floor all types of shit bro creating a mystery yeah yeah it's hard to report yeah two dollars bro once one time I left four dollars nigga oh hell yeah yo put that in your pipe front row guy from worker you're not on the show right now this guy he is trying to be a part of this panel and front row guy why do you have Josie on your hat that's very strange yeah thanks here so New York telling everyone I'm a basketball that's what that is Alex so we know we already know who won but give us our final scores all right in last place with four points big Jay Oakerson in fourth place with 11 points Andrew Packer love that first time in third place with 16 points Louis J in second place with 18 points tied for the most losses in Story Wars history why'd you have to say but why say that Alex why even say that part you don't have to say that she loves it that's crazy and your winner tonight with 21 points Josie Marcelino 2-0 and Story Wars competition the jack-off lantern herself Josie Marcelino everyone story warrior once again she takes home out of the shadows understanding sexual addiction by Dr Patrick Garns she's probably gonna loan it to Naeem they're driving home together how about a round of applause for our amazing panel Andrew Packer Naeem Ali one more time for Story Warrior Josie Marcelino thank you guys for checking out Story Wars we'll catch you next time I'm Big Jay Oakerson I'm Louis J Gomez until then peace out