An Open Letter to the Emmys with Trixie and Katya

[MUSIC] Watch the cliffhangers, they also call them cereals. I know that, Mr. Man. We were at the bottom, are we rolling? We were at the bottom, the beautiful life. We were at the bottom, the beautiful life in Kansas City this weekend. Which by the way, we're coming to Boston, we're coming to Toronto next week. Please, we have a second Joe and Boston at Wang. I want to sell out both. We want to sell out both, and if we don't sell out that second one, it's going to be the ultimate humiliation. Also, why don't they have a statue of you in Boston Commons? Like, can they knock down some of the colonial racist statues? Well, and can they put up you? I am there, it's very, I'm sick of the colonial racist. I want the normal kind. Fuck, Paul Revere. Give me, I mean, we want A. Revere what? Thank you. RuPaul Revere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Oh, no. Oh, I brought two RuPaul shirts, and of course I didn't put one of them on. I brought one too. Oh, I brought one to help you. I've been seeing so many good TikToks of people doing her, but like, this is outrageous. Y'all got Trump D'Arrangement Syndrome. Trump D'Arrangement Syndrome. TDS. She's kind of, yeah, she's kind of quite alluded. She's not even alluded. Well, they're all on Google. She's kind of doing that housewife pill thing where it's like kind of slurring. It's a goofball machine, that whole white house situation. Every day she wakes up and RFK has a slingshot like Dennis the Menace and shoots a hydrochloric quacks and get down her-- Oh, I'm gonna help you. There's this-- oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. This woman-- Do you think that RFK is going to start recommending that we all drink Pampondi's breast milk? Yes. But she won't breast pump, so she has to outsource it to China. It's a K Kissing Booth. I'll have to get in line and show up like the flu vaccines at CBS. Like you go in there, you walk in. It's a walking appointment. It's not actually Pampondi. It's anybody with the last name Bondi. They have to change their name to Pamp. It's a whole question. Or anybody from Bondi. Yeah. Really anybody from Bondi. Peach. Anybody. Oh, my God. Last week, we cliffhung. We cliffhung. We cliffhung. We really, we edged and we teased. We teased. Oh, and we cliffhanged and it made me think of a Wearing Kansas city. Somebody asked who would be on your Mount Rushmore. Oh, I immediately said Kathy Bates and Misery. Cliffhangers. They also call them cereals. I'm not stupid. You know? So good. Mr. Man. Mr. Man. God. Where's she? Why is Annie Wilkes in the fucking cabinet? Get her down here. God. I got asked her down here. Back of shit. Oh. Back of chips. Yeah. It's beneath you, Paul. When she's calling, we'll Paul Paul over and over again. She was good. She was good. She's called her Paul. I call her Ruth. Yeah. Ruth Paul. No, the, um, I, because I, in this match game, I don't, I, I think it's a little bit of a cheat to do a character as the actress. Say you're doing the actress, but you're doing Amy Madigan, but you're doing a lot of that. Yeah. I think it's a cheat a little bit. But it's done. Well, who cares? You know, like, Angela Kreme is Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess. It's still great. Right. But like, so anyways, but I give a pass to bag of shit for that because I'm back on my comeback. I'm back. I don't know whether that one's on tour anyway. It was funny. Did you wait it? 'Cause it's such a bad joke. Did you see it? Kelly Mantle, the pod. By the way, Kelly Mantle want a fucking queer to the award. Peola. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. The Academy love Kelly. Yeah. How much did you pay for that? How much did you pay for that award? Well, Mantle. Well, they don't know this. I was hosting. Oh. And the lights went out. And Ed McMahon switched the check. I made sure that Kelly, you saw the ball in the beautiful, his lifting drinks. You saw the ball in the beautiful on the check, but then the lights went out, lightning crashed. And then all of a sudden, Michelle Vatage switched the, right, she's the fully-haired in the beautiful. That's her pod. But she won. And the bobbed in the beautiful. The bobbed in the beautiful. Oh, I love Kelly and the bobbed. No, Michelle. Oh, can you believe that? No, I can't. It's really fierce. It looks like somebody's avatar from, like, we bowling. Do you know what it is? Yeah. Like a randomized sim. But Michelle, I mean, like, it's impossible to clown because that face, oh, yeah. You can really do anything. Yeah, she could rip him bondy with one look. And you know what? I actually really, do you remember a few years ago when Meghan McCain was trying to do funky looks with her hair and makeup? Do you remember the funky look? Mary, everybody's trying to clown my unstyle. But like, look at, try to do, try to do these hair show styles of the racist woman on the view or whatever the fuck. Right. Try to do like Atlanta hair show. The helicopter that flies off the head. Yes. But I think it's funny. Air Force 3. Team Michelle. Team Michelle's hair and glam. Yeah. I mean, we do versatility. Word always looks good. Yeah. That was a tough time. That was a reach. That was a cliffhanger from which she did not hang very much. Yeah. Oh, we did a cliffhanger about the Jubilee video with Julian Michaels versus 20 body positive movement activists. Activists. Well, they weren't all activists. No. Yeah. They were champions or whatever of the body positive movement. Right. And they were all different types of people like a therapist, dietitians, activists, whatever. And I'll tell you, I sat down because I like, I like rage baiting myself. I like to watch something. And I'll tell you this. I watch a lot of Jubilee content. Okay. And whether or not I agree with anybody. Yeah. I always applaud people being so candid. And vulnerable. It was a lot of vulnerability. Even if I think they're CooCoo bananas. Yeah. I'm like, well, they're going on the internet speaking their truth. Yeah. And I learn from that. So thank you. Yeah. I didn't. So fuck you. But I went in there ready to sit down and be like, let's, yeah, let's see this white bitch get steamrolled. I just want everybody to take a, a lovely, a lovely keynote crash course in debating as it, as it pertains to claims, listening to claims, high claim, hello claim, and then responding to claims. Rebuttal. I have a hard time when it just gets circular point, counterpoint, or when it becomes, when it becomes scientific evidence versus my feelings. Right. Because feelings aren't facts and they can't necessarily like, you know, they're, they're your feelings. They impact you. They're, you know, they're important, but they can't really be lot, they can't really, they're not artillery as against scientific evidence or evidence based studies. You know what I mean? Yeah. It doesn't really work like that. But I do appreciate something I like about that channel is a lot of times people's personal stories give so much context that like, we can't just talk about studies. We remember either. Yeah. So I do like both. Well, and yes, and I appreciate what I really took away from that video, which was so impactful and really, really, I mean, I can't overstate it literally because that, the girl who is breast kept growing, I've never felt more seen in my life because I didn't know that there was somebody else there like me. Right. I didn't know that because I go on tour with you and you know that I, on, you know, Friday I'm wearing a 38 double D and I just have those little, I have a, I have a double G. Right. Because they keep growing. There's nothing I can do about it. Well, your shoplifting. If I die it, my waist grows tiny and my breast grow bigger. So I like, I have, I struggled and I, I felt so seen by her. I just saw this video, you know, one of my other weird, like, I don't know what's wrong with the internet. The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you, what's wrong? There's a phone call. I hate that. I hate it. I hate it too. The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you is because I'm watching like trash. Teenagers get apprehended at Macy's on TikTok for stealing. Like, I love that shit. Recently I just saw this woman and the cops are, the cops have body cams. They're following her and they do this thing where they kind of flank you on an escalator. We're like, the cops are at the bottom. The cops follow you on and they're like, follow us. And this bitch, you guys, I swear to God. I swear to God. And you know, I got fired from a job for stealing. I wasn't stealing. But I have a lot of sensitivity to that moment. Excuse you. What? Excuse you. What? The Mac counter. I have to know that about you. Are you, are you really pretending you've never heard this? Audience at home, tell me I have not told this story. It must have been at least 14 times. It must have been at least 15 times. Because why haven't we bonded so severely over that? We have cracking. Cracking. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Gregg and Coco feel free to make a super cut of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gregg and Coco are intern. Gregg and Coco, please. Basically long story short. My guest in the makeup chair said, you know, my gift card for Macy's probably has 15 cents left on it. She said something jokingly. Like, go get yourself a coffee. I said, okay. Um, so I went to get my Starbucks and I said, my lady in the makeup chair gave me this. It's the Starbucks, the Starbucks Macy's. Yes. I was like, probably has 10 cents on it. But she told me to put it for my coffee. It was like $1.10. And I was like, oh, thanks, lady, whose makeup I did, fired. They said, it's in the handbook of, if you work at the makeup counter, you can't use a gift card. I was the top salesperson at a million dollar makeup counter and I was fired for $1.15. I was devastated. But I still use Mac products to this day. They got me. They got you. And also, I'm sorry, boo. No matter what the dollar amount, you did, you did theaving. You were a thief. Maybe I need to heal myself by accepting that that did count as theaving. You do. No matter, it's because when it comes down to you, it's not semantics, it's, it's dollars and cents. And there's really at the end of the day, no difference between $1 and $1.25. You know what it is? It's like in ghost. When that program is stealing like fractions of a penny from all those people, what program? That's how they get the same wheat money. Oh, oh, oh. It's like fractions of a cent. Yes. It's like fractions of a cent over time is not how they get all that money. Oh. Okay. Love it. Wow. I just said it. But oh, but Mary. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my god. What about the comeback? She's like, I'm here for my day player. I'm Lana. She goes, Lana, I only have fitness instructors. That's the name I gave her. Wow. That. When she's leaving in the ambulances behind her and they're just like, there's so many things about that show. And it's, I don't know. I don't know. Giving your character a name and then telling the person you check in that character's name. They don't know. Sorry. That's acting. That is how people are. Yeah. She's. I don't know. If you ever took an acting class, that's the type of shit they tell you. you to do. Yeah. It's like you come into class and like they stop the model like they hold on for a second. What happened to her on February 20th birthday? Yeah. You haven't thought about that. Which actually transpired of February 27th 1993. Yeah. Between her and Barbara. We don't know who Barbara is. Get out of here. But it's a good call back to season one because when she's doing Ruben board, she's like, so Aunt Sassy, am I her dad's sister, her mom's sister. And they're like, who cares? It doesn't matter. Yeah. But it does matter. And she's like, it does matter. How about it's the brother and that way we have a better guest star later. Sorry. She is thinking about it. She is. She's thinking. She's thinking Jane. Papa pigs. What are these Percy pigs? Peppa the pigs. These are delicious. They're vegan. I don't know where they came from. Vegan. They make them in the UK. They're vegan. What do they made out of horse radish? They're delicious. It's easy. Oh. Almost too sweet. Not bad, right? Yeah, I should stop. It's such a pig. Oh my God. It's almost. Yeah. I've been having a lot of food problems. It's almost a little too sweet. They got me a bunch of new arthritis medicine and it's my appetite's out the window. It's been hairline out the window gone. Oh, it's a gone. Okay. I wake up but choke down a smoothie with a nauseous feeling. My arthritis has gotten so much better. But I'm nauseous all the time. You know, God give it and God take it away. Yeah. Up last night puking, middle of the night, love it. Oh, Francoittaba Kelly. Kelly Mantle's pod where she shoots in this room. She had Lady Bunny on and she goes, I'm going to read some names and I want you to do word association. Can you play it? Yeah. Can you play it? Because it's really funny. It's really funny. Control room. We don't have one. Yeah. Oh my God. It can't believe you didn't tell me how to speak now. Peola. Peola Jackson. Oh my God. They had her come out at the equities. She came on stage and she, Kelly, Kelly, she was scripted to come out but she's so believable that the audience was like, oh, Kelly, like wandered out from the corner of the stage. The audience is like, it was like a courty love. Like it's like in the moment. Like, and I just turned her and I go, ah, haunting. Okay. Respect to me. Tina Martino suicide. Tammy Brown, 911. Is that sick? She would take the compliment. Bianca Del Rio. Is this? It's so fierce. It's so fierce. I love her. Um, I mean, I don't, I don't, and her look has never inspired me at any stage in my life. No, gosh, no. In anything, it's repelled you further and further away. I've been trying to find this DVD of hers because I'm like an old school lady, buddy fan. Oh, I know which one you're talking about. Yeah, I can't say. You know what? They even find it. No rated R for. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't have a DVD player. So I really have no plan. Mary, you had, I got both. I got a whole bunch of DVDs at home. All I'm missing is the Blu-ray player. All that's standing in the way of me enjoying these DVDs. No, they're Blu-rays. Okay. So you don't have any DVDs at home. I got Blu-ray DVDs. Okay, good. All that's standing in the way of me and some enjoyment of these discs is the goddamn player. Your pimple healed pretty fast. It's not healing. It's still there. Thank you very much. Way better than you. You had a full wig on acting like there was a- A crater under there. It was mama. It was the beginnings of Mount Visubius. It was Mount St. Helen's daughter just emerging from the primordial ooze. It was, it was flagrant. It was abusive. I had to stay home. I had to do cold and hot compresses. I had to do steam, eucalyptus, mentholotum, benzoid peroxide. Eucalyptus pussy. I didn't do any of that. I got to tell you what happened to me. Oh wait, I'm not done with my story. Okay. I forget what you're asking. You always say that and then there is nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no. You just don't give me enough time to really formulate my opinion. Okay. Claim me again. I know. I always feel like I'm talking to a kindergarten with you where I'm like, is this a question or a story? Why can't it? They hand us up and I'm like, does anybody know the answer? And you go, my mom drives a blue car. Like it's like some shit like that. But I'm like, my mom drives a blue car. No, no, no. It's always like, it's always like, I need to stop everything and tell you, I had a great night's sleep last night. Yeah. Any, any, any, any, any relevance to what we were talking about? Not really. Not really. Go ahead. Yeah. I, the, I, in the car on the way here. Oh my god, it got like a JLo second act flash. Okay. Second act flash because what I was going to do, what I wanted to do after high school, one of the two things I wanted to do was either become a French teacher. But I knew at the time, because I was so gay, that I would not be able to summon or embody the authoritative armor necessary to fend off a bunch of fucking youngsters. They're high schoolers. Now, maybe now Fermilabouche, I say a few. No, no, no, yeah, did they boost that up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That I could do. I put on one of these nails, do my cocaine, just kidding. And then I would let them have it. But I, I was thinking, you know what, 22, 23, 24, 28, no, 40 plus. That's what you, the age you need to, the distance in the authoritative, you just need that, that, that age difference, that kind of like, in that life experience, to be able to walk into a room of rotted, gutted high schoolers, you know, scream in six plus seven on snapchat or whatever. And then get Tom to shut the fuck up, sit down and open page 83. I watched a tick talk about this phenomenon that I, I don't know if it's true, but they're saying that it was on tick talk. It's the female, like, um, perhaps female teachers are sometimes very nice to the male athletes in the high school and then come down really hard on the girls. Many young women feel singled out by their female teachers and they feel like the teachers give extra, extra help or extra consideration to the athletes. I'm just watching tick talks. Okay, and that's where I get my news. Well, that's where other than the 16 hours of news a day that I watch. Speaking of Savannah, Savannah Guthrie's come back to work. They still haven't found her mother. You know where her mother is? Her mother is breast pumping pampondi. That is awful. I'm sorry. I don't know who that Savannah got three. She's a journalist. She's a television. They took her mom. Yes, her mother was kidnapped by team like months ago. And then they don't know when they can't find her. And Savannah's been talking about it very openly. This is not a joke. I watch a lot of news. It's awful. And let me tell you, if anybody out there is into stealing mothers, I will give you vowels, home address and Ruth Paul's, like, let's call me mother snatched. It's, it's awful. I think that in the, in the world of crime and political warfare, we don't have to steal people's moms. I think that's pretty wild. Yeah. It's also, yeah. It's also, I think it's very easy. Would Pat go easily? Mama, are you joking? Baby, let me tell you about Ms. Pat. Patricia Ann McCook named Lauren. She is such a fast walker. You cannot. Mama, you, she's so short. She, baby, don't matter. She leaves everybody in the dust. When we're on a group trip in a car, she doesn't wait till my, if my dad's driving usually, she doesn't wait till he slows down her stops, opens the door, tuck rolls and she's on her way. She is, you cannot catch her. The elusive shantoo. You're the youngest, right? I'm in the middle. You're the middle. Just like you. Your sister's youngest. Yeah. And your brother's oldest. Interesting. And I'm, yeah, but she is, she's, she, you can't catch her. You cannot catch her. And what's your sister's name again? Shannon. Who would play her? Shannon Grace. Kristen Dunst. You guys would all play each other. No, no, no, no. Kirsten Dunst. You guys did two jeans. You all look so alike. Kirsten Dunst would play my sister. You're so much like your brother. I do. The face without the beard. It was like him with the, you with the dark beard. Oh, and he's got a full head in here. He's got them a cook side. Yeah. Are you only, are you the only blonde? Your sister's kind of blonde, right? No, my sister's brown. Okay. Because she's brown. But I'll never forget, I wish we could pull up a picture. I'll find it. She had a George Washington haircut when she was a little she got a perm. She was the spitting image of our first president. That's fear. It was like, you know, that much, like kind of like, you know what I'm talking about? You see in the $1 bill. Oh, I've seen one. I've been doing drag long enough. That was my sister. Yeah. Yeah. Conned. You wonder why such a trick that I do in drag? And people think this is gross. When people tip me a dollar, I'll lick it, stick the forehead. Oh, I love that. But everybody's like the money's gross. Don't lick the money. I think that's classist. Thank you. You don't know my experience. You don't know. Also, I would. I would go even worse. I would crumple it up, put it in my mouth. And then I would I would spit it up into the air and get and catch it. Yeah, swallow it. There was a drag artist called Cher Needles. And I watched her. She used to take people's money and put it in a blender. Well, that's and then she'd take pages of the Bible and put it in a blender. Well, I have no problem with that. That's going to I think what shredding money, you would call the place. I would call the place. I was like, Pam Bondi, get down here. Pam Bondi, get down here. Do you think that Christy Noam is still going to be on the TV's at the airport? Is it going to be over now? Because she's done so. No, she's probably going to be on it. Because normally you walk in, it's 6 a.m. at LAX. You get the bone collector being like, if you're see something, show something, bitch, I see something. I see a lot of things. She comes on the screen and I literally a phone rings and it goes seven days. I see your I see your tracks. I see your what about the old pictures of her? I don't, you know, I haven't I have to say I haven't seen bring it up trace. Bring it up. I have also bring up my George Washington haircut from my sister. Yeah, little her sister's George Washington haircut from 1982. Thank you. It's 1987. God. Jesus. Oh, yeah, your baby sister. No, um, I have had I have had the pleasure of of the world. Avoiding all videography of Christi Nome at the airport. - That's great. Huge of true. It is true. - That's all Christi Nome. - Can you say that? - John and Kepler say it hairdo? - It's nice. - It's fierce. - Well, no. - Looking like a library admin at a middle school. - Speaking of which, let's go back to my point. - Okay. - I second act JLo. I would go back to school because ridiculously, if you want to teach high school or even middle school, if you want to teach like six, seven grade, you need a master's degree in what you're teaching. - Even though-- - It's pretty amazing. - It is pretty amazing. It's pretty ridiculous if you ask me, depending on whatever, but to teach-- - How you gonna pay off that master's degree as a teacher? - Well, see, you don't. That's why I used my first job to pay for my schooling for my second job, which is really just, it's not a cash grab, obviously, 'cause you probably make about, I don't know, 40 grand a year, and where you live, the cost of living is about 125 grand a year. Well, I know a lot of teachers who only teach at private schools because they get a huge rebate for their own children going to that school. So even though you may not get paid a crazy amount of money as a teacher, if you get half off tuition, you have three kids. - Are you talking about a university? No, I'm talking like the fancy private little schools and shit. - Yeah. - If you teach, your children can go for cheaper. - Right. - I remember Rosemary. - My friend Megan back, and this was in the '90s. She went to St. Marks, which was in Massachusetts to the tune of 20 grand a year high school. - No, in the '90s. - Now $1.6 million. - Absolutely. - Well, she got to, you know, I've told the story before, I got to drive her dad's BMW was thrilling, and I'm-- - The death ride. - Well, no, that was what, yeah. Well, that was, that was something different. - Not me, remember your story. (laughing) - Oh, I just hit the lamp with my head. (laughing) - I took, Jennifer took me to see a play. Jennifer took me on a date. - That's great. - Jennifer took me to the Broad. - Not the Broad. - The Broad. - Is it called the Broad? - Well, in Massachusetts, in Boston, in Cambridge it's called the Broad. It might be called the Broad here. - It's the Broad. - Yes, the Broad. I love that. - Okay, went to the Broad Broad, Broad Broad Institute. - Yes, giant tables and chairs. I don't know about visual art. - Yes you do, but it's okay. - I walked in and was like, that table's big and left. Like that was it. (laughing) - Wait, can you give me a little more? - The artist does giant tables, chairs. Giant, giant, standing already, the kitchen table. - Skolps, I guess. - Skolps, I mean, yeah. - Installations? - It's a nice size. I went through the whole thing in 15 minutes, the whole art museum. I mean, I power walked through it. I was like, love it, love it, love it, love it. - Yeah, hey, hey, hey. - Camera phone, camera phone, camera on the schedule. - They have those little things to read, but I have hollocks. I have to go, right? I'll make up what I think about it. - Don't tell me it's subjective. - I'll tell me what I've been objective. - Thank you. - Oh, I'm so nauseous. - Oh, okay. And so then we leave, and Jennifer takes me to dinner. I go, great, perfect. Trying to fuck me. But then she takes me to see Heurlie's love. Follow me here. - Heurlie's love. - Not love, love, love leading. - No, it was what lies beneath with Michelle Fiverr. No, she takes me to see Heurlie's love, which is a musical play about the Marcos regime and the rise of a Melda Marcos, the first lady of the Philippines. - With the shoes. Who ushered in the Marcos regime, which ultimately is like banning free press, curfews, and the family is like widely known to have basically bled the country's money to their own bank accounts, and has never truly answered for it. - Set that to a disco musical. It's a disco EDM musical with a drag queen. - Manila. - Who's off? - No. It was a girl from Drag Race. - Who? - Google to that. I don't know who it is. She famously did her own Snatch Game. - Yes, that's true. - That's how I knew she was. So I sit down with Jennifer and Jennifer goes, "I want you to go and blind, to go great." So I Google it immediately, because I'm like, Jennifer's real. I go, Jennifer, is this the Melda Marcos musical? And she goes, "Nope, nope, just watch." - You know, it was. - I'd never seen anything like it. I'm really beautiful. - I mean, I've seen a lot of musicals, and when I was in school, we used to learn about every type of musical. I'd never seen like an EDM, like dance musical musical. The music is produced by Fat Boy Slim, who I love. And so it's a lot of, it sounds like Fat Boy Slim music. It's about the Melda Marcos being from a small town, being really pretty and hot. And then she gets turned down by this guy for being too tall. She's depressed. She goes to the city. She moves to Manila. And then I'm not spoiling it because this is historical events. - Sure. - Then she marries this guy who becomes the president. I forget his first name. Fernando Marcos. - John Kennedy. - Okay. They are fabulously wealthy, bleed the country of money. - Variable countries. - The Philippines. - The Philippines. I've never been. - Manila. - You've been, right? - I've been. - Or a myari was the queen. And the dry queen role actually was awesome because the dry queen was dressed as a Melda. She opened the show and kind of was like, "We're gonna tell this cool story." Then there's moments where a Melda's kind of like reflecting and the dry queen is there with her. And she's like a point of like for a Melda to kind of like notice her where she is. They use the dry queen as a way for like a Melda's nanny to be like, to not recognize her anymore. Because she's so blown out on money and like being powerful. - Yeah. - I just would have never a disco ball, disco ball the size of the room. While they're singing about like the collapse of the Philippines. - Do you think it was, I think the Philippines collapsed, but it was so fascistic. - Do you think it was like, I wouldn't not crave it. Do you think it was, what's the word, vulgar or like insensitive or something? - I think that moment in cabaret when the Nazis have invaded and you have like Sally Bolz singing "Life is a Cabaret" with the Nazi gear on. - Oh, it's just. - And you have the juxtaposition of like, well, somebody putting their head in this and imparting while it's so awful. - It's, there's irony. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, there's dramatic irony. - So the disco ball and like, like a Melda doing operas with dry queens. - So there was a dissonance that was intentional. - Yes, and then they cut to like the news and it's a, you know, activist being like, we need to take these people down. And I went home and watched the documentary about a Melda Marcos. Eventually the whole country came for them in the palace. They flew them out of the country and they moved to Hawaii. - Hawaii. - Because the country is like, we're coming into this palace and we're going to eat you. They January 6th, they're palace. They're in there fucking with her shoes, sitting at her desk, being like, and what bitch? - Yeah. - And guess who is the president of the Philippines right now? - Pam Bondi. - No. - Her son, Fernando. - Marco Marcos. Is the president of the Philippines. And so it was chilling because we're in a second Trump presidency. And it's like, sort of what I got from it. And I'm, listen, I've never been to the Philippines. Shout out to the Philippines. - I would love to go. - Mary, I'll let you finish your photography. - The musical portrays the country as obviously. So beautiful and cool. The internal corrupt, financial, political warfare. - Yeah. - It's so shocking. - Yeah. - And the disco and the glitz of it made it even more, like so sickening and absurd. I would say in that sense, it was really effective. And it was, I just like to leave a musical a little happy. And that was like, cabaret where you leave and you're like, so should we go lay down? - Yeah. I mean, that's why I preferred the Bob Fasi film version of cabaret to any stage production. - Have you seen hair? - No. - I have not. - The musical hair. - Yeah. - You don't leave super happy. You leave reflecting and you feel empowered. This left me, definitely feeling like, oh my god. It was, yeah. We're watching the, we're watching some parallels here. We're living it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And now more than ever. - Now more than ever. - When I went to the Philippines, it was, we went to Manila and I distinctly recall flying in there over, like, sort of the shanty townish looking neighborhoods, like reminiscent of somehow reminiscent of like the, the favelas in Brazil. Like not so, so, like, downtrodden. But it was a lot of incoming inequality, let's just say. Like, a lot of glaring income inequality we get to our hotel. There's arm guards with machine guns everywhere. And it was a lot, it was very different. - Yes. - Very, very different. The crowd, I gotta say. Mary, the crowd was, I did my little dukey show and they were so, so supportive. It was like crazy. It was so fierce. It was so, the Filipino drag queens watching you do your dog show. - My dog show. I was, I was, I was like barked and barked with, with, with, and they were just hooped and hollered. While I sweated, they're my entire body weight off. It was so hot there. - Girl, you know what I just came across? That clip from the live ball to the beautiful and Norway. When I was at Boston at Jocs. And I said, I can't believe Kat's used to work here with you hot, hot, gorgeous trans girls. And they said, yeah, as children had hit Boston, yeah. (laughing) - Baby, because I'm telling you once, these, I don't mean to be ignorant. I just want people to know. I went home to a bunch of research on the Philippines. Watch that documentary. - And sold all your shoes. - I mean, the Philippines is fucking cool. But learning about like the deep corruption that is like active was like so. - I mean, the world is a horrible place. - It's a horrible place. - It's a rotten, everything sucks. And we're all going to hell. The, I, something they said in the documentary is, the Marcos regime was so destructive. Thousands of people were killed and stuff. Something they said in the documentary was, the school systems haven't even been able to update their textbooks. So young kids are reading history textbooks that say how great the Marcos regime is. So these young people are like, let's vote for, it's just, yeah. - Sounds a little funny. - Where's that sound? familiar. But I hope to go to the Philippines someday. I've never been I'm in Asia. I've never been to Asia. I've heard you. I just calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Take a look to your left. Take a look to your right. 100% of those people have been to Asia. Hong Kong is so lit. So expensive. So expensive to be able to be like, girl, I go to Hong Kong three times a year. Yeah. What's wrong with you? No kidding. Well, I suggest I just want to put this out there. I would love to return to Hong Kong. I'd love to go back to Singapore, although the weather's a little challenging. It's about 85 degrees all year round with a hundred percent humidity. Okay. I don't know if I can go to the Philippines now. At least not that Singapore. That's Singapore. Okay. But baby, I'm not joking. So when I got and and I'm going to tell you because Singapore had a basically if you got combat drugs, they kill you. Okay. That's that's tea. Singapore has a very fierce no drug policy. So she was stone cold sober when she was there like down and diva down. We got to miss you to Singapore. Yeah. But so the point is I'm there. I'll kill you here. I'm there. Not a goofball inside. You know, in my bed, Naminem's, I'm Gettles. Yes. Yes, I remember it was in Singapore when the episode three of the last season of Game of Thrones dropped. I'm circling my laptop like a freak because I'm just on edge and because I couldn't go outside for not even a minute to smoke a sick girl. It was so hot. Baby doll. It was so hot in human. In my friend. I'm a great skin though that humidity's good for the skin. Mama moisture. Yeah. It was like everybody's glistening going not to beat a sweat on those native residents, including my friend Eugene who is fiercely and famously over 300 pounds. Fierce. Yeah. Who's the drag queen's name is Ahni Ari or am I Ari? She ate the voice, the look. She was so good. And having a drag queen dressed as a melda, introducing it almost like we're going to have a really celebratory fun disco show. The bait and switch was so effective when by the end of it, you're just like I mean that ends with this activist like toward the end getting shot on stage. And a shooting in a play always get like when I saw it's very Abraham Lincoln. It's just it's very Abraham. Well, it's different than all Mary's shooting on stage was just hilarious. Very different. Actually, I thought that was very disturbing. Okay. We wait, but I just wanted to say she was so good and so great and I don't want to stereotype, but they make this joke in the beginning about like what do all Filipinos love karaoke. It's an all Filipino cast. Some of the best lives he ever heard in my fucking life. Oh really? Unbelievable. But like like you would have swore because it's EDM, you would have swore their lip syncing. It was like a drag show, but it was like no, they're singing. Some of the best singing in the male leads, the two male leads. Hot sexy. Well, thank God. Well, thank God because I don't go to the theater to watch a bunch of dogs. I don't want a bunch of dogs like trying around Barkin. I saw this TikTok. There was this girl being like this girl being like Hollywood used to stop putting attractive people on screen and they need to stop like getting like Timothy Chalamet in the makeup chair to add acne and then call the muggly on screen. Damn. She was like I have acne hire me. I wear glasses. Yeah, I can't take them off. I'm not saying I need more ugly people, but I don't, I don't long for hotness on screen. I don't care. I don't that is where you and I differ young lady because I don't go to the movies to watch this dog from down the street because I can just walk down the street and see her. But you do subjective. That's true. So what are you gonna do? Hope every movie caters to your idea of beauty. They do. You're like just like a white man. No, I got plenty. I see just like a white man. Exactly. I got plenty of white men voices. I got plenty of, I have plenty of ideas of beauty. Um, if you can see it, it was, it was very effective. I would love to go see it, but I would love a little talking almost all singing. Okay, now I'm not gonna go. But EDM. No, no, early dog music. Apparently I looked it up in the New York rendition of it. There was a standing room pit. Like the show is like party. So it's a party time. But then it gets so political and so effective. You leave very rattled. I left rattled. You know what I think? Very rattled. I would love to go. I would also love for you and I to go to London to do a show only so that we can see Catherine Tate and Omery. Mary. Omery. Omery. Yeah. Well, Kathleen. Well, Rosemary. Will you be marching on Sunday with us Rosemary? I will show the bastards. She is going to fucking, she's gonna beat that bitch with a bat. I'm talking about the role. You could play Omery. I could never, can I say this? I could never, I could never, I could never, I could never, I could never, but you're not saying it. I'm saying it. I mean, you don't think that you could play an active addict who has a flare for performing. I could do it in a bad wig. I could do it once. And I would, I would need six years to memorize it. Yeah, as long as I had six years, I need to hold it and go, you can't do it. Michael's bootcamp. And then I would, what if you play her and I could play the teacher, Mary, that'd be fun. It would always say like, you know, you'd be the one thing I wouldn't have to get past is calling everybody Mary, right? You know, although I'm Mary. Yeah. My favorite part is when she's puking in the bucket. I was thinking about that the other day and I had a dream that I was like up for casting and I was up against like me. It was like me, Michelle Pfeiffer and Sharon Stone and all these other gorgeous blonde actresses like me. And we were all concerned with the brown wig. Those are number one concern. It was like, I can do the role. I can do the role. Of course, we all can do the role. We're all talented actresses seasoned actresses award winning. But we just don't want to do the brown wig. Right. So we all left. That funny. I don't disagree. It's a horribly ugly wig. Whenever I get on something like when I did English teacher and they're like, your characters, what's my character name? Shazam and mom. I was like, have you guys done anything about the look? What about a blonde wig? And what about exactly my normal makeup? Okay, great. Perfect. Yeah. It's like, because they're like, oh, she's an old showgirl. She's like a, she's like a drag queen who's been around the block. I was like, okay, but I've seen those girls. I'm not doing that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You don't want me to do that. Cole is Cole's goal is face. They can do, I mean, it's so beautiful. Yeah. We've talked about this. We will continue to talk about this. I will continue to grind this axe until my last bit of breath is weased from my body. They have a face that is so perfect for any type of wig. Yeah. And it's true. And a demi brown lash. Yeah. It's just a smear of chapstick. Maybe a dot of blush. And a twinkle in their eye. And it's a woman. They were in, they were in David Silver's movie. Please, baby, please, baby, please. And even in that, they had them in like, kind of can't be club shit. Still eight. Oh, yeah. They're singing in the, in like a phone booth and it's all beautifully lit. And that was the grabber, too. Yeah. They were, they were, the ghost, the ghost of the, the ghost of the grabber, the ghost of the grabber. Black phone. Yeah. Yeah. Two horrible grabber on ice. The Christian propaganda ghost on ice. Well, well, if you don't want the grabber's ghost to get you, you need to embrace Jesus Christ. That was such a bait and switch. If like the Gladys origin story comes out and it's really just about embracing God, I'll lose it. I'll lose it. And you know what else? I'm so happy for Amy Madigan, of course. Why? Why can't we? Why? Why? Why? Why was it outside the realm of possibility for Tony Collette and hereditary to receive a professional accolade in that way? No, no, right. If I'm not, I'm not taking away from maybe Madigan. No, I think you deserve it. Yeah, yeah. But I don't you think that's going to open the door in the future? I want it because I have a lot of retroactive. I have like vanguard female Oscars that I need to give out starting with Neff Campbell. Yeah. And then over to Tony Collette and hereditary. Yeah. Then to Demi Moore in Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels too. Yeah. Thank you. I love that scene where she's like, I wasn't good. I was great and shoots the speaker with the body. Her entrance on the beach in that movie. That's the woman. Please, baby, please, she has this long monologue. It's really cool. She has this way with. Anybody doesn't seem please, baby, please, artsy film everybody wacky artsy film, but very good. I would love to see it. So back to my second act, JLo. I always wanted to be a French teacher, but I knew and I knew and I know and I was right that if I like many teachers out of, so you go to, you go to college, maybe you do two years of master's at grad school and then you go try to do your teachers and whatever. So yeah, because it's grad school and some kind of teaching certification. Well, you teaching certification and then there's like student teaching. Did you know to be a sub you only need an undergrad? I'm sure that I'm sure you need a PhD in civil subjects now. We should do that Joe celebrity substitute Joe celebrity substitute. No, there's a TV show called celebrity substitute where they have like edge here and go be a substitute teacher. You and I could do it. We could. I mean, you could you could I'm not famous enough and I'm so poor they would say get out of here. You're not it's not that you aren't famous enough. You're not famous at all, but I am and I can help you. Thank you. That's my problem. Okay. No, I would, I would want to be like by all of swan if I was a sub, but what I would really would love is like, I mean, when the whole merry week. Backwards. I want the buns to be like here and here. Yes. No, at 28, I could not have been a teacher. I could not have had some in the confidence or build up the wall to tell kids to shut the fuck up and sit down. You mother fucker. I know you can't swear like that, but that's the energy and that's the authoritative tone you need to get them to sit down and stop saying six plus seven tick-tock. She said, she said, see who said it. Yeah. Yeah. But now I think I'd rather teach Russian. But okay. Okay. So can I, will you please indulge me in a very small exercise? Yeah, it's good. I'm nauseous. I don't want to talk. Okay. Great. So it's a repeat after me. I was looking up. So you know how a lot of people like scroll at night. They look to point or whatever on the phone in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I look, I've been looking at all church, demonic script, which is like the, the, A precursor to the Cyrillic alphabet. It was like derived from Greek and it was like what they with the old monks and the orthodox they did the they transcribed the Bible and shit so country so squiggly so lovely. But I thought I could I wanted just to do a call and response of the Russian alphabet with you just to practice and see if I could be a tracking name. Russian alphabet. Call and response. Call and response. It just came to me. That's great. Take it. Take it. Take it. You bitch. Somebody's going to comment. I actually am named that. Why did you know? Well, Sierra missed. Sorry. 2015. Pull up the tweet. Sierra missed. I know. I said it and now there is one. I thought of RuPaul. I gotta show you this while you look that up. I gotta show you this drag king that I'm obsessed with. Okay. The drag king's name is milkman. Milkman. You've been fucking the milkman. Girl, but I show you this milkman. Now that's that's a high school teacher. Look at that's what you need. Can you believe I that's look at this. Look at this. That's the kind of that's the kind of energy you need to teach those kids. That's the kind energy I need for my drag kings married married that's tea. I want that's weird. Look at like look at the makeup. They're using panties breast pump. But that's that's really great. I need to zoom in on can be whatever I can. Look at this. I'm sorry. That's fierce. That's actually that's incredibly fierce. This thing walks into precinct. Yeah, it would be curtains for everybody. I would become one of those like those drunk straight girls who just wanders on stage and start dancing. What's with that? Well, there I don't want a stereotype. No, it's their day. It's their day. But oh, because it's there. But if we're talking bachelor parties, it's their day. Didn't you know that? It's their night. It's their night and you are all victims of their joy. I want to I want to retract my statement. Okay. What's with people getting on stage at a drag show? Okay. Yeah. Well, they want to be the star. They say they look at you. I know that the drag isn't good, but don't get up there. No, don't get up there and try to it. It's not your time. There's an order to things. There's there's there's a process. There's a process. Okay, so repeat after me. It's a Russian alphabet, A, B, B, Z, V, G, G, D, V, Yeah, Yo, Yo, G, Z, Z, Z, I, I, I, I, I, K, K, L, M, I try it. No, no, you know, you're just going to, I try and I try and L, L, M, M, N, N, O, O, P, P, R, R, S, S, P, P, - Ooh. - Ooh. - The. - Huh. (laughing) - I'm fucking trying. - I'm fucking trying. - I've never heard these before. - Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. (laughing) - I'm really trying. - It's fierce, I love it. - Okay. - Yeah. (laughing) - It's sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad. - Like pizza, sad, sad, sad. (laughing) - I'm trying. - Chop. - Chop. - Shch. - Shch. - Those are the letters. - Yeah, so shch. - Shch. - Shch. - Shch. - Okay. And then, - E. - E. - And then, E. - E. - E. - E. - E. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Not fun. - Hard. - So it's weird, so if I'm in my car, and I'm talking about bullshit fucking bitch Siri, and 'cause I, you know what, I don't like to like, fumble with the phone while I drive. - You're a big, I was on the road. - I was on the road. - I was on the road. - I was on the road, so I'm gonna say rest. And then, (laughing) - Look at the car now. - Well, no, I'm telling you, while I have been listening, full disclosure, I'm not a liar. I try not to lie. That's a lie. I have been smoking a little bit. As you can attest to, can you smell my shitty body? I smoke a lot less. That's for sure. I mean, a lot, lot less. And the X-Program never hired me to quit, and that was the condition of our arrangement. They're realistic. They know I'm gonna lie and cheat and be a bitch, whatever. But I smoke it, like I went from 25 or 25 to 30 cigarettes a day, down to, you know, sometimes zero, sometimes 10. But in the car, I have a hard time giving it up. A lot of people have told me that before, the driving smoking is a big thing for people. - I used to find, what do you think that is? - I used to find it fucking repulsive, because smoking, as a person who used to smoke, oh baby, you have to stop. Baby, I know. - The car's gonna smell. - But get into this. - You give me ride sometimes. - Mama, I don't give anybody ride. I give, listen, I used to smoke in my house, in my apartment, and I was not aware of the fact of how nasty the cat's ass smelled, that it was permeated in every fabric, a piece of wall, everything in there. - It was truly sparse for a hookup. - No, no, no, no. - I wouldn't have. - I wouldn't have guys house for a hookup, and they smoked and target me. - It's a non-starter. It's a non-starter, you can't do it. You can't, a non-smoker can not have smoke. - I know, fuck a shorty. - No, you can't smoke, you can't have sex or kiss a smoker when you're in smoking. - They have the shortings? (laughing) - But so, wait, what the fuck was the- - Oh, sorry, you were talking about smoking in the car and smoking indoors. - Oh, we were talking about smoking in driving. What's the correlation? - Oh, it's my best friend, one of my best friends, Jenny in high school. She told me, oh, I'm trying to stop smoking, but I'm driving, so I'm driving. - It's, well, so there's two things in the car that are absolutely essential for me to get into it and drive the car. Access to all, no, access to all of the songs that I need to listen to or want to listen to. That is non-negotiable, that's number one. I cannot, like my mother, drive in complete silence, focused on the road alone with her thoughts. It is diabolical, serial killer behavior, enviable, but I can't relate. She doesn't listen to music, she's never listen to music. She certainly doesn't do it in the car. She drives quietly, carefully, on the road. I can't, I have to blast music, I have to sing it loudly. - My boyfriend goes for 10 mile walks, no music. - That to me is the killer, just staring into space. Mary, when I go missing, baby, if I'm leaving the, like, if I have to go from 40 feet outside without my headphones, I start to unravel. - Girl, can I tell you, please? - We keep talking about how the AirPods get lost 'cause you drop them and they fly into space. So I had to buy new headphones, now I got the Gen 4 AirPods, even smaller case, and I will say, the magnets are stronger. - Imagine the grip. - The magnets are stronger. - Oh, are they ready? - So I think like they're in there better. - Do you know what I think you need to do? I think this maybe would compromise the mechanism of the actual thing, but you know how they have like chalk spray paint? Where like you can spray paint a surface and it becomes a chalkboard. - Understood, yes. - What about a grip, a grippy kind of spray, or a grippy kind of like a texture kind of lap. You know what I'm talking about? - I can see that, yes. Like basically turn them into, put astroturf on them. - Well, I mean, realistically, every time you close it, you can just put like a rubber band around it. Like, there's a lot of things you can do. - That doesn't work because it's gonna slide right off. - Not rubber, rubber band. - With those oily nasty slippery slick headphones. - I don't know, if anybody from the genius bar at Apple wants to call in. - Well, I'd recently traded in my AirPods Maxis for another brand, but I, - No, it doesn't really work. - I can't. - Live that giant over-the-ear headphones life. - No, no, no, no, this is just, this is for the plane, this is for the studio. - Understood. - Yeah. - The exercising, the wet-suppening ears. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, um, uh, yeah, so I, but the, I, we're not sponsored by the brands, so I won't mention it, but I'll let me tell you, that noise cancelling. (kissing sound) - I love it, I love it so much. - Yeah. - It's great. - The new Apple headphones have like a, I don't like, okay, earbuds, tiny earbuds. I don't like the kind that plug your ear. I don't like the feeling of a plug, where when I'm, I answer a phone call, it sounds like I'm under water. - Okay. - I hate that. I like the AirPods because it's like, the sound of the room comes through, it's not a plug. - Well, you can do three different, and you can turn on the noise cancelling. So your ears don't feel plugged, and you feel noise cancelled, I really like it. - Well, you have the three different, you've got immersive, you've got aware, and you've got noise cancelling. - Yes. - This is a same situation with those, but they got over the head things. However, when I'm producing music on the plane and stuff, I have to use corded headphones because when you're trying to make music, the little bit of a delay from Bluetooth, it makes them possible. So I do travel with like a good old fashioned, these. - I actually really love these. - I do too, and these are very similar to the ones that I have purchased, and maybe guess what, they are corded up. - Plugged in, tuned in, tapped in, turned on. - Are you corded, are your nipples corded? - Are you tuned in, tapped in, turned on? - I'm James Corden. - Oh, horrible. - Is he still going on? - I hope not. - Horrible. - He was big for a while, they were. - Oh, no, no, he was huge. - Every channel was him. - Yeah, I would do in a carpool karaoke. Each shit, James Corden, I don't care for him. Oh, that's too mean. - He's not cam. - He's not cam. - He's not cam. - Fuck him, who cares? - Okay, thank you. And when Anna went to her doing her little boo-boo like, this is my office, be afraid of me to work with Vogue. Her unrehearse 73 questions. Her favorite comedian was James Corden, I was like, kick her out of the office. Kick her right out of the office. Kick her out of the office. - Mine might be Maria, but I love Dana Gold. - Maria, who? - Bamford. - Famous comedian? - Yeah. - 100%. - I love Dana Gold to that bitch. - James, let's find out. - Robbie Hoffman, you were talking about that. - Robbie eats. - The stay-them. - Robbie eats. - Yeah. - Robbie said, Robbie was doing this bit. - You know, white girl from Brooklyn with a boyfriend? - Yeah. - Yeah, he can't talk about his back. - No takes, he's backsees. Robbie, I saw Robbie at the Emmys. I said, Robbie, just so you know, like, I tell everybody you're my boyfriend. And they were like, that's cool. I was like, great, perfect. I was like, ever since I worked together, I saw people you're my boyfriend. I forgot to tell you. - It's fine. - Sorry. - That's fine. - You're my boyfriend though. - Yeah. - They had lost their Emmy nomination and they were. - Dejected. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - No, they were, they were, they were really cool about it. - They were really cool about it. - Okay. - And they were just back there like, it's okay. It sucks though, but it's okay. And I was like, that is it. - Yeah. - I think, and you know. - Yeah, especially if you go to the trouble of going to the ceremony, you know, you have to wait in line, you have to get all fluffed up and stuff. - Yeah. - Mama, the next Emmys, the cage batch between Miss Kudro and Miss Smart is gonna be deep, vicious and-- - Well, and us. - Polymarket, I know, 'cause we're gonna be in their respective corners. - No, we're best guest stars. - Yes, and we're also gonna, when they cage match, we're gonna be giving them the water, I mean, can I'm doing the ice on the chin? - Oh, we're the, yes. - Or it's like Greece, they're like doing a sing fight and we're like, tell me about it. - Yeah. - From daggers, and shit, yeah. - Oh my God, did I tell you this backstage at the Emmys where I presented with Kelly. - Cliffhanger. - Yes, maybe this is a girl. - Come on, Cliffhanger. - Come on, drunk girl. - Why don't you tell me next episode? - Oh, but, or next. - It's just a little wrap at the end. - Little wrap at the end. - Okay, I'll tell you next episode. - Oh, okay, you're right, you're right. I love Cliffhanger. - I love it, and this is big. - I know that, Mr. Man. (laughing) - You think I'm stupid? - Well, tune in if you wanna hear this riveting, the riveting conclusion to our one cliff hanging. One now that people know I'm on the comeback, I can tell you the rest, the mall and Akerman story. - Oh, baby. - All right, stay tuned and tune in. - Come on. - And it turns on. - And it turns on. - Wiggy, Wiggy Smalls. - See you next time. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)