An honest conversation about marriage after a decade together

Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk-takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. I didn't prioritize my marriage after starting our family. Wow. I feel like I mentally cut you out of the picture for a little bit there. It took me months to just be like, oh my gosh, I freaking love you. This is why we did this in the first place. Keep a secret bank account in case your husband leaves you. I have a friend's parent that did that. No way. When their husband ended up finding out about it, he started giving her money to put in her special bank account. That's actually really sweet. So sweet. What's the difference between alimony and child support? Alimony's for you. Oh. Child support's for the child. Wait, why do I have to do that? Why do you guys talk about this? I'm getting some ducks in a row. I'm just kidding. Oh, goodness. Welcome back to Always Here. Unplanned. Was that a joke or was that for real? I'm just kidding. Okay. I was going to say. My goodness. Not the right podcast. Welcome back to Unplanned Podcast. This will tell you literally how my brain has been operating recently. If you guys didn't know, Abby's pregnant. Fourth pregnancy. Third baby boy. Things are happening. Guys, the belly is popped and it's also dropped too. Well, I feel like it was just always low. This was the lowest I've ever carried a baby. We just had an appointment today and the doctor had all good things to say, but baby's coming in at 68%. 58, but yes. 58%. Yes. So for us, that's still tiny. Little guy. Yeah. Amazing. I'm pumped. Yep. Birth were in the car earlier can you tell can you i know i was saying i wish i we could have started just recording the podcast at 12 37 when i was in the car in the in and out drive through with the boys and we were singing hi oh let's go let's go they love that song that's from jimmy neutron wait oh that's why babe it's so i'm so happy that they love the jimmy neutron movie because that shaped my whole childhood i'm telling you it can turn their whole mood around if i just start going if i'm trying to get them to leave i'm like all right oh let's go next wait what's what movie has who let the dogs out every single movie that was made in like no way that was the rugrats movie oh really i feel like it's in shaggy dog i was afraid of that movie as a kid actually i need to show them the rugrats movie that was my no i feel like that was not a good there's a lot of good nickelodeon movies oh no i was a little bit i was deterred from nickelodeon by my parents they were very pro disney a little bit like see i was a nickelodeon kid i was a nickelodeon kid yep that's tough yeah it's tough to learn now 10 years into our relationship well do you want to give everyone a rundown what we'll be talking about today on the podcast well we have officially been together for 10 years a decade years a decade june 18th 2016 was when i took abby on our first ever date and then on a couple days later abby said to me the famous line i hate this line why do you hate this line because that's just so cringy well do i guess now should i not say it no you can say it basically abby said well am i also should i say that that was our first kiss that was my both of our ever's first kiss first kiss june 18th 2016 and then a couple days later abby said the famous line to me are we dating because i can't be macking on a guy that's not my boyfriend that is so cringy that's what she said i'm literally just cringing my skin she really and she really said that and then i said yeah we're dating because i think i'd actually told somebody she did tell someone that i was your girlfriend i overheard it i was like well i did not consent and you see i didn't really understand like the rules i was like yeah we're dating you know like we've been on going on some dates that's fair no that's fair but you can't call me your girlfriend unless you've asked to for me to be my girl and then officially became a girlfriend we sorted it all out and 10 years later we're still together a lot yes has happened in that time we've gotten married we went to college together we graduated high school lived in hawaii for a year wait wait wait start over we went to high school uh-huh or graduated high school that's right followed each other to college got engaged we got into theater school we both auditioned at like 20 different schools guys i don't think you understand how like hardcore we were about this well it was a public university imagine okay imagine if you and your boyfriend in high school wanted to follow each other to college but your both trying to make it in athletics like let's say you're both cross-country runners like they have to both make it on a team in a school exactly so like that's essentially what we did but in the arts so we to to increase our odds of getting in at the same school we just auditioned everywhere and what's funny is like i kind of followed i would say i more so followed you because i had some opportunities that came up where i got good scholarships but missouri state was the prospect that like really wanted you and i got on the wait list like i wasn't even fully aware of it and i accepted but it was the cheapest school that we got into and my mom had been you know reading some dave ramsey at the time really kind of putting a you know putting some ideas in my ear about hey you really don't want to go into a bunch of debt for college because then you have to pay all that money back and so i'm very thankful probably especially for an arts degree yeah like you don't want to go into a hundred thousands of dollars like if you're going to be a doctor and you got like a hundred thousand dollars of student loans you're like you're gonna get a job that's gonna pay that off that's a great bet yeah because you're gonna make way more than that even in your first year after residency right yeah but for like singing and dancing that's risky so anyway um followed each other to college and then what happened we got gauged we started social media that kind of started to take off yeah i think you know really what happened you guys is i switched our majors i had this dream of like basically this dream didn't even exist until after we had switched our majors i found abby watching couples vlogs on youtube and i'm like people are like vlogging their their life as a couple and that like that can pay their bills and she's like yeah and i'm like babe my entire life i've made videos up until recently like i was a part of our tv station in high school doing the editing production filming i made videos for every project i had in middle school because when i had a tumor discovered on my back i couldn't really do theater anymore so i had to find a new way to express my life and i was like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do myself through you know the arts anyway this youtube channel this youtube channel that was a flop like it like nobody was watching our videos but then when covid hit we were you know stuck inside and we're like all right let's just like do some tiktok dances for a fun little like youtube video and that is how it all started yeah then we moved to hawaii because now we worked like remote essentially like we didn't have to be where we were we started our family shortly after we moved to arizona and then we kind of like now have a mini compound in arizona because now our whole family lives here yeah we have launched two podcasts we have a new launch yeah that's finally happening do you want to talk about that new launch yeah i'm so nervous because i feel like i have talked about this so much and it's gotten edited out of so many things i've like been like you guys are doing this it's so exciting and then every time i'm like were people excited and they're like it didn't make the cut i mean we're launching a mascara is this gonna get cut again it's not gonna get cut this process you guys has really stretched me because i'm gonna be so for real with y'all i am not i'm not an entrepreneur it's just not really in me you know what i mean and i wish it was because i feel like it just with the way my life has just started to develop it would be it would be really handy to have that skill set i'm certainly not but what i do love is makeup and i've always loved makeup ever since i was able to wear it specifically i really love mascara and i always felt conflicted when it came to mascara am i giving like the whole birth story right now of this go for it if this gets cut then that's fine but um i always felt conflicted because especially since becoming a mom and just like learning more about ingredients you hear a lot of sketchy stuff that can go into products and i always felt like i had to like kind of sacrifice either on the way my lashes looked or like what was in them and so because i was like there is literally like there's a hole in the market here and i couldn't find one that i really loved i was like it would be so cool if we could ever just create one from scratch of our own yeah the process has been extremely long like we yeah just for context you guys we thought this mascara was launching in november of 2025 and it's it's now like way past that obviously but can i have a secret i have been literally using my own formula for over a year over a year so when anyone has been leaving comments like asking about my mascara like what mascara to use i've never answered it and i feel so bad because i am not a gatekeeper it's not who i am it's not it's not in my dna i want to share i want to share everything with everyone i'm a girl's girl come on yeah but why share about it if they can't even buy it exactly until now well also i feel like people are always like ah I'm not allowed to tell. And I'm like, well, who's telling you not to tell? There are forces that be that tell you not to tell. I'm telling you this. I know I've learned a lot and so now it's finally it should be there I don't know that we did everything strategically or right or entrepreneurial but I really believe in this I'm really excited about it I know that it makes my day better just to have a little mascara on and I can talk more about it later but this isn't really the time but just to say like I really believe in this and I feel like this has been a really cool project that we were able to work on together obviously you're not like a super big fan of mascara but you bring so much to like I wouldn't have done it without you well I think what I appreciate about you babe in this whole process is you really did your due diligence you've compared the mascara formulas to mascara that you used to use in the past for your eyelashes because you want it to be even better than the products that you've used so many tests and for brushes bottles formulas and that's why pigments in addition to that too Abby's given a formula to her friends to try to get their feedback they've all loved it and you're wearing it right now wearing it literally every single day if you've seen me for the past over a year I've been wearing it yeah it has just been such a process but um I really am proud of it I am scared crapless and the company name is Biswell Beauty if you go to biswell-beauty.com that is where you can buy the mascara it's incredible everyone everyone that's tried it has loved it oh Biswell's my maiden name by the way oh yeah that's where that came from you're probably like yeah you're probably wondering why is it called explain why it's called Biswell Beauty uh because it's my maiden name okay that's it there you go very um and I feel like my family was very thrilled about that yeah so anyway yeah I was thinking we could call it Howard Beauty and then Abby was like it didn't roll off the tongue as well it didn't yeah no dang it dang it thank you to Ladder for sponsoring this portion of today's episode I've been 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and get a free seven-day trial with no credit card and ten dollars off your first month if you join well this episode is gonna be really fun we've actually we've we've planned a lot like I gotta be honest with it this is called the unplanned podcast but we planned a lot because we've been really reflective we've been together a decade now um we have done this podcast for gosh feels like a decade nearly 200 episodes oh my and um there's just like a lot to reflect on and um throughout our entire relationship we have changed so much but I think it'd be fun to start off with some quick relationship trivia yeah okay let's do it I feel like you're gonna be really good at this because I feel like you really like walked in on a lot of our firsts together okay what was our first date were you nervous planning it what do you remember I was so nervous our first date was three different dates in one so we started off with lunch at uh Chick-fil-a yes Abby got chicken nuggets I couldn't eat because I was so nervous I got the number one meal with the lemonade you were consistent with who you were I just couldn't eat so I was like just get chicken nuggets right and then I think I ate them for you like I probably couldn't eat I was so nervous I think I you know I can I can really throw down some food so when you can eat them I'm like yes I'll eat these uh then we proceeded to go see did you buy did you buy my Chick-fil-a I did buy your Chick-fil-a as a gentleman would it was like a whole six dollars back in 2016. did you pay for my movie ticket I did this is so weird you guys after this you went to the conjuring we saw the quad ring part two why did we do that I just wanted to take you to a scary movie so you would get all like nervous you literally took me to a demonic movie I did yeah yeah I guess that was strategic too because then it was like okay we'll get scared so we can excuse to cuddle I remember how nervous I was put my arm around you I remember how nervous I was to move my hand off your leg when you put your hand on my leg I thought like there was so much happening inside my head I was just so thrilled I remember I distinctly remember that my hip started to lock up because I was like kind of leaning towards you oh yeah and I was like I cannot move I simply cannot move so I was like I'm gonna stay frozen like this I remember when I kissed you the first time I said that was awkward and then I think I did it did I redo it after that you did it did it twice we did two kisses the first one was awkward the second one was just right we remember every detail because you guys this was literally Matt's first date ever this was both of our first kisses ever like it was there was a lot going on like emotions wise it was super fun and I remember every detail because then afterwards we went and we went hiking yeah we went hiking we went to Castlewood State Park in Missouri it was like a six hour date it was a long date all on my feet made it very memorable my golden birthday show that night golden birthday by the way uh and yeah and then after all of that we went and performed in a production of Mary Poppins at the Municipal Opera in St Louis Missouri it was not Mary Poppins also known as the Muni it was definitely Mary Poppins no wait that was the first show sorry that was the first show that we were in we that was was yeah so our first show together was when we were in middle school we were just friends and like played cards together when we weren't needed on on stage which was a lot of time our second show together was when we started dating perfect we crushed that who initiated the first kiss me Matt did I was never gonna do that I wanted you to kiss me but I was never going to initiate that who said I love you first I think that was me was it me or you I think it was me it was you and I think you were like I think I love you if I remember correctly I think I yeah I think I did and I think it was when you were facetiming me like a month into us dating I might have even been sooner than that wow it was fast we moved really did I say it back right away I think you did I think I did too yeah we said I love you head first you guys that's what's crazy about dating in high school you just no abandon yeah um what was our first fight about I can't even I think I remember oh it was about which college we were gonna go to yeah and I think what happened is I was a rare dude in the theater world that could dance because I had taken dance like my whole life and I think well a lot of guys can dance but I feel like a lot of like high school going into college they don't do formal dance training like a lot of them yeah in musical theater musical theater so basically how would you describe this this argument what what's your memory of it because I feel like you have a better I don't remember details but I just remember that was like the first time we actually had conflict because like what were we gonna fight about before in high school you know what I mean we were in Chicago we were there for Unified auditions we're a bunch of different schools auditioning kids for their musical theater programs like they they hold just auditions at this hotel and so you can audition for like we're there with our moms staying at my grandma's condo yeah so it was it was stressful like we both were doing multiple auditions and I and I wasn't having a good time it was probably my fault honestly I think you were just discouraged because I think you were getting shut down because oh yeah that's what it was I feel like I kept like I think you had like these rose colored glasses on because you would show up to the doors of these auditions and usually they have like a fee of like 60 just to audition here and like for us to look at your headshot and resume yeah and you would like walk up to the doors and be like we'll waive the fee like a tall man like he's so rare and so then they just like would let you in and then I feel like you just had these like rose-colored glasses on the whole experience of them like being like a girl just dime a dozen you know at one of those like those open call essentially auditions like it was and I'm sure it was just something that I don't even remember the details of it but I just remember that was the first time that we were like experiencing conflict I think I was just super excited you were discouraged and then it like provided this disconnect where we just didn't feel the same way about how the college audition process was going yeah I don't really remember much of that yeah I I remember we were at some sort of like Corner Bakery it was the Corner Bakery in downtown Chicago and we were just and and we had gotten in like what we I guess we got into it we were there was like no like we weren't yelling we were just kind of like I know I mean obviously our moms were there too so it's like a sad conversation it was just sex I think it was just like you go on without me like leave me behind I think you said something along those lines yeah yeah that's good times good memories to remember but that was just like the first time that it was just like oh we have we're making a life decision together yeah which I don't know if that was even really right to make at that point but we surely did so what was our first vacation together that would be Fort Myers Florida with my family yeah for break yeah 2018 2017 2017 yeah and i woke up my whole family throwing up because you cannot throw up like a normal person he's like coughs when he throws up your whole entire family your mom especially was very concerned yeah but it sounded crazy i think your family is just terrified of throwing up or whatever i think you and your mom just have a fear of vomiting it was like i felt way i felt way better afterwards we were at like a crab shack and then matt just disappeared for like 45 minutes threw up in the bathroom i think you had diarrhea i got the stomach bug no i think i was throwing up in the bathroom oh actually no maybe it was diarrhea first and then throwing up later what great memories yeah um no that was just exhilarating like getting to travel and like you like actually get really close you were already really close with my family but like getting to travel together for the first time that felt like a big milestone especially because we were in high school are we gonna let our kids in high school bring their girlfriend boyfriend whatever i don't know about that we'll see it depends yeah actually i don't know if we like them if we like them they can sleep in the you can bring yours but you can't bring yeah that's what we'll do we'll pick favorites that's great um what first apartment rent amount uh i think it was 650 a month i think was it that much because i feel was it less than that i think it was a little less but that didn't it included internet no no it included trash and water no i think it i think like i i want to say all in it was like around 650 like i think it was 550 a month or something yeah and then after our other utilities was like 650 yeah so it was pretty it was pretty affordable it was pretty affordable um perks i don't think you could really find that anymore yeah perks of living in low-income housing i'm curious what the price is for uh that that low-income housing um apartment complex now i wonder if they've i'm sure they've raised it over the past five years probably had to yeah because that was i mean it is subsidized by the government though so maybe they like kind of covered that yeah maybe they do what was our first big purchase it was the taurus yeah the ford taurus yeah for i think that was six thousand dollars we bought a car together yeah for six thousand dollars before we were even engaged yeah we were just dating our freshman year of college but we were trying to save up money to like eventually get married but we couldn't do that if we didn't have a car to get to a job so we got a car and then we just went and just looked at any restaurant that would hire both of us and we took the first restaurant that said we could work together there and share a vehicle and that was bella c knows no springfield missouri wait no but that was when i had that was before buying the car together because flame hired me when i had my brother's car because he didn't need it that semester and then he needed it back and dang it caleb well it was because my parents need it my parents originally had bought this is actually it's kind of sad my parents had originally bought me and caleb like a truck because caleb got his car from my uncle on his 16th birthday and then when i turned 16 my parents bought a used truck that we like would like share and trade and you picked me up in that truck on our first date yeah sometimes i drive the camry and then when money was tight my parents needed the truck because my mom's car i think wasn't working anymore so then my mom started driving the truck to get to her job and then my brother and i only had one car between the two of us so we had to buy a car you did you lived in different towns yeah um first video that went viral uh like actual viral i would say would me try on the prom dress it was either you trying on your prom dress and getting my reaction was that what the wedding dress or a prom dress reaction video i don't know might have been your wedding dress i can't remember but the okay no the first don't ask me to put those back on both actually ever again in my life both of those videos went viral that was like in april may of 2020 but the video basically i just surprised matt by putting on the dress that we wore to our high school prom again like when we were already married and then or my wedding dress we don't remember which one and then the other video that went viral on tiktok was of us doing like the third or fourth video we ever posted and it was like the dance like it sounded like it was like in a different language yeah yeah that one and then you like put your hands up and you like do this dance that's just like it was kind of it was really dumb it was a really dumb tiktok dance support for today's episode comes from square and they've got big news during square's biannual releases event they launched a wave of innovative new tools to help local businesses run faster smarter and more profitably whether you're starting fresh or scaling fast square helps you keep up and get ahead we're big fans of square because about a year ago we were trying to buy hot chocolate from a kid at a hot chocolate stand and realized oh my gosh we don't have cash to buy the hot chocolate we never have cash but then this kid pulled out his square so that we could use our credit card to pay him and it was it was genius i was like you're you're an expert entrepreneur you're gonna go places one day kid and that's all thanks to square and a lot of those kids hot that holiday season yes and i don't think they would have otherwise if it weren't for square square launched its most powerful tools yet designed to give local businesses a competitive edge without the complexity if you're ready to sell smarter run faster and stress less right now you can get up to 200 off square hardware at square.com slash go slash unplanned that's s-q-u-a-r-e.com slash g-o slash unplanned run your business smarter with square get started today see that this is what i'm doing right now i'm going to show you how to get started with square see that this is what i'm not excited about because that's exactly what this next segment is what is it it's reliving memory lane oh gosh of cringy stuff we have posted all right and there's been a lot of it i can't even re-watch anything that we ever film really yeah it just makes my skin crawl but i think there's been some good stuff no it's no i'm like i'm proud of it but i also i'm like i can't watch it okay does that make sense no i think it's weird to watch it yourself um but uh this one is called who said that okay and we were talking in preparation for this episode how like most people don't even necessarily remember things that they said like when they first got married they don't remember things that they said like i mean you just don't remember like or like how you thought or i don't know any of your trains of thoughts but not only do we have it documented but we have it documented publicly so um we have the privilege one could say of being able to reflect back on things that we have said i love it okay the quote is will i be judged for not wearing a shirt in utah i feel like that was me yeah i don't really think it's gonna be me okay let's play the video let's see who it was yeah we really liked hawaii in the sense that it was very laid back and chill and it didn't really it didn't matter what you looked like or yeah what you had and i feel like arizona has more of that going for it than utah you're saying that people in utah are materialistic that is so rude i'm not talking about the people i'm talking about the culture of the state is different as far as like the things that they prioritize that's true they prioritize looks and achievements more than oh why is it other things major stereotype will i be judged for not wearing a shirt in utah that was us deciding if we're literally going actively deciding if we're gonna live in utah or arizona yeah also wow my voice it really sounds like that your voice has always sounded like that i think it's cute i like your voice um so yeah that was definitely matt i would love to think that i'd wear a shirt in utah and in arizona yeah anywhere i am yeah um still crazy that i mean we legitimately were deciding where we were going to move and had it made up our minds now we have a family and we posted that and my parents were also involved like you can hear my mom commenting on where she thought we should move and i felt the pressure like to be honest i wanted to move to utah but like everyone in our family as well as you was like move to arizona so we moved to arizona but do you feel like a part of you wanted to move to utah because other people were saying to move to arizona because i know you and i feel like you're just like no it was it was for the snow just a tiny bit just a tiny bit just a tiny what for me it was like if i can't surf i want to be somewhere where i can snowboard okay but luckily now arizona has a surf park so that was and that was just by chance like there was no i did not know that was happening when we moved no one could have known this one says i would rather do like the irish goodbye that was certainly me i hate saying goodbye so what is the irish goodbye where you you don't say goodbye right you just leave that's really i would much rather do that than have like a like a hug and like a slow like it just makes me too sad which video is that from probably just leaving hawaii i also hope that we can make time to say goodbye to our friends today too because we haven't really told some people about leaving hawaii i feel kind of bad it happened so fast and i personally hate goodbyes i would rather i mean this sounds bad but i like i don't want my last moment to be like a sad goodbye with someone so i'd rather do like the irish goodbyes is that what it is where you just like you just leave out and then you're just like oh by the way i'm not there anymore but i i'm still your friend and just pretend i'm there so just leave and don't say anything we can't do that moving out of hawaii yes that's that's when was who are our next four neighbors probably oh that's so sad that makes me sick to think about saying goodbye to them yeah our neighbors in hawaii we got really close with which by the way kid's dad on tiktok that's our buddy eric yeah he's our neighbor in hawaii he does social media now too he does has for a while yeah um this is the next quote we're gonna reconvene after college because a child is a huge commitment uh that was you me that was me we're gonna recon reconvene i feel like i would say reconvene that sounds like something i would say so we're gonna reconvene after college and kind of figure out okay where are we at because a child is a huge commitment like having a baby is huge that's a a massive commitment to make so we want to make sure that we're prepared for that when that comes that was matt saying it and it was from when are we having kids is the title of the that's matt saying it i remember when we posted that video your mom was like why did you post that video oh i do remember that well she's probably like why did you post it any video because at that point it made it was very weird it's the start of the podcast it's just a sit down video like you've been podcasting there the whole time for a long time yeah that's right um this one this quote is along similar lines we can't be done having kids at 24 that was certainly me though certainly abby you're done this is gonna be a lot this is gonna be a lot dude i'm 24 i know i can't be done having kids we can be young and hot like empty nesters wouldn't four four one is already crazy you want to quadruple that that was abby yeah on the unplanned podcast that was the unplanned podcast like you were the first episode yeah because matt remember you were like so convinced that we were like done having kids after after two yeah that was a lot having two was a lot especially especially that quickly you know back to back i will say upon further reflection i do think one to two was a pretty hard transition for us oh yeah oh yeah all of it was yeah you know a lot to learn we can dive more into that later um this one says you're never gonna catch me joining a timeshare you're never gonna catch me timing i think that's gonna be you no it's definitely you was that me that was from the video that was when we went to hawaii for the first time start of 2020 we wanted to get a free luau and to get a free luau we did a timeshare meeting and it was a horrible experience one thing my spouse would never do is what would you say i just think of this one i was like join a timeshare you're never gonna catch me joining a timeshare i hate timeshares they're a waste of time they're a waste of money it was matt saying it and this is clipped from the unplanned podcast but but that might be what we're that's definitely what we're talking about let me tell you something i could definitely be conned into joining a timeshare don't ever do that someone could tell me all the deals and all the perks i'd be like that sounds like a heck of a deal it like you could catch me joining a timeshare if i wasn't married to someone that is so hard to get out of and they try to act like it's like an investment like they what these sales people in timeshare meetings are so good at what they do they have an opener that's like all warm and fuzzy and like brings you cookies and drinks and get you all excited and then they have yeah we had like pog juice yeah and then they have the next person that comes in maybe even champagne and puts the pressure on they've got like the next level of sales and then if you don't say yes they've got the next level of sales and then they have like the next level of sales and then they have like the next level of sales and then a whole guy that comes in and just i'll never forget that guy really lays it on like goes like why didn't you sign you're like we don't we don't have any money yeah we kind of did lie about our income to do that timeshare meeting it said you have to make at least 75 000 a year and i think our married filing jointly tax return was like that year yeah it was like 11 900 so we could not afford we were like we definitely make 75 we just wanted the free luau and honestly the luau was a and it wasn't outside um you know we got to eat some pork yeah there's some good food uh this one says you were such a little player i definitely called you you definitely called me a player you were because you sang i bet i was referring to you singing to girls at football games in high school gosh that's honestly such a little player that makes me sad to watch like i miss those days that this is a reaction video and abby said it it was reacting that's right because we were reacting the video of me singing baby which is posted on youtube from when i was 12 no that's from that video i was 13 guys i really thought that posting one video of me singing was going to get me discovered like justin yeah well you were also 13 so i mean life is just you learned a lot you'll learn a lot get older okay well we got those all right we did we know each other pretty well now we are going to move in to best or worst relationship advice and we actually polled you guys on the unplanned podcast instagram if you're not already following us there or engaging with our posts there it's really really fun when you do because we get to hear from you on the podcast and it's just fun to interact in that way and kind of i don't know build this community out some more um so we polled you guys for the best and worst relationship advice you've ever received let's start with the worst get the worst advice ever go what do you think our first of all what do you think our worst advice you ever received was something comes to mind for me i actually can't think of it what what was it this was advice we received when we were dating and it really stuck out in our minds they were like because we wanted to get married and we were uh sitting down with someone that was married but they were like trying to tell us why we should wait to get married and they were telling us that we should be selfish oh yeah for a little while longer for a little bit longer i just don't think that here's my here's my argument against that i see where they're coming from because it totally changes your life when you're like considering somebody else and literally basically everything every major decision you do all those things but i don't think that selflessness is something you can just turn on i think that dating is the time to practice selflessness and so deep no i well all of my things i prepared for this episode are actually kind of deep oh okay so i'm sorry i don't know i'm excited i take this seriously um but i think it's something that you have to practice so i'm like i don't think that that's necessarily good advice to give to someone while they're dating especially if they're dating seriously like talking about engagement i don't think you say just put it all off be selfish a little longer i think that's something you kind of have to start exercising before you get married that's just my opinion but here's what you guys said the number one worst advice is don't say i love you too often because it loses value i've heard that too i've heard that but piece of advice too we say i love you all the time but i don't think it's something you have to practice so i'm like i don't think that's all the time we say it so often yeah we do and why why would you not say it if you feel like it just say it well here's my other piece of advice that i think is a little bit i disagree with when i hear it okay now i think there's probably a good argument against it what is it but people tell people to wait to say i love you and i get why but this maybe just says something about my personality you never know what happened what's going to happen in life me getting so deep again you never know what's going to happen in life so i think it would be such a shame if you if you were loved by somebody and you didn't know it like if i would have died in a car accident and you never told me that's what i'm saying there you go i'm just saying just say if you love someone just tell them life is way too short and i think yeah there was somebody sorry to interrupt i tell my friends i love them there was somebody that posted a video about how they did they oh gosh i'm botching this so bad oh i know you saw a video on social media about somebody that lost their boy friend in a car wreck and they were basically saying exactly what you're saying now which is to say i love you because you never know when yeah that's why i always think like that which is probably not a good way to think but gosh you'll never catch me not saying i love you if i love someone so and that's why we have to say to each other every night before we go to bed yeah do you guys know this about me if i literally if we like say good night love you and then say we just start talking about something else it's like oh by the way like tomorrow blah blah blah then it's like quiet for a little bit i'm like good night love you it has to be the last thing i say i've been this way since i was a kid it's like a freakish thing like if my parents like would like come in and say something after we'd gone to bed i'd be like night love you like love you like i needed to hear it again like i just needed to hear it a lot so maybe that's where i'm coming from next advice says even postpartum you need to make sure your husband doesn't lose make sure your husband doesn't lose interest i think they're talking about like sex appeal oh goodness that's so messed up no no no no no that is not your job honey postpartum you have a lot of other jobs at that point that is not your job that's right that is not your job yeah i i think you know there's nothing wrong with wanting to like postpartum it's just not that's not the conversation that's not the focus yeah yeah also just here in general it's really not you need to make sure your husband doesn't lose interest yeah like that's like i think you can do things obviously to like keep spark alive keep passion but ultimately don't put that on yourself honey gosh next one is men are like cars you need to test drive them before you decide to keep them that's on worst advice and that's that's on worst advice yeah that's i think you should make out a little bit you know make oh my please make sure they're a good kisser you know i feel like we definitely heard test driving cars we don't we heard uh bringing sand to the beach yeah we heard that we didn't follow any of those advices yeah we i do i do agree that that is bad advice yeah yeah next one next one we have is um oh my gosh i can't believe this is real keep a secret bank account in case your husband leaves you and a lot of people do this actually yeah you're kidding me have you ever listened to anything on ramsey no way yeah actually i know i have a friend's parent that did that no way yeah did their husband leave them nope oh when their husband ended up finding out about it he started giving her money to put in her special bank account i think that's sweet that's actually really so sweet oh my god he was like your mom's loaded that's sweet i think that's really sweet i think that could have gone a couple ways and i think that just shows that they're really solid yeah i i like i like that the husband had that reaction um you know i i just i just think first of all yes you gotta you gotta make sure you're protected like i think it's important to have have like all that i mean i think okay let me get on my soapbox here for a second this is why marriage is important because if you let's say you're a stay-at-home spouse i'm there's a lot of people that are stay-at-home dads now it's not just like a mom thing like we're yeah you know there's a lot of like different ways that people manage a household and if you're the one staying home and managing the household but you're not married now if you split up you are screwed if you've not been working a job like you you're gonna have to make some huge adjustments and so if you're married protect you're protected marriage protects you um when it comes to finances it's mainly like think of marriage almost as a think about business decision it's honestly like a business decision really when it comes down to it alimony yeah it's alimony what even remind me of what alimony is that's exactly what you're talking about right i don't know we're not divorced so bad this is so bad that's when you get checks from your ex alimony is when you okay they yes yes yeah um but it's not child support yeah yeah no i don't even know what's the difference between alimony and child support alimony is for you child how do you know this and how do i not know this we just talked about this wait why did you guys talk about this because i'm i'm getting some ducks in a row goodness i think i don't know what we were talking about i actually don't i know we were talking about but i don't want to say it so now i'm so that like i'm i'm gonna be real right now like i feel i feel so stupid for for not knowing alimony no you don't need to i mean that we had a whole conversation because we disagreed on what alimony was so matt i think you were there there i was there yeah you were there for sure when was this family dinner like a couple weeks ago oh goodness that's bad i'm not surprised it's okay anyway um yeah get married you know if you're having if you're especially if you're having kids get married you're protected i mean in arizona too like here's the other thing like everything's everything's 50 50 here so your spouse could have like you know xyz in their name doesn't matter you still get half if you're married booyah booyah next question next worst bit of advice is he only cheated once so don't bother breaking up i've got a he only cheated once so don't break up pretty yeah i i don't think i don't think that's good well i would like to know more of this poor person's story probably what didn't end at once yeah i feel like a lot of people that cheat have probably done it before well you know what they say what you need to completely the only way to make it work i do think that someone could cheat and you could make it work again yeah you just need to completely scrap everything you had before and rebuild it and then i think the person that got cheated on gets to make the rules for a while there i think that's of like you can't go in public without me i don't know they're allowed to do that they're allowed to thank you to factor for sponsoring this portion of today's episode hanger is striking it's midday you're hot you're exhausted and you open your fridge and there's nothing in there but you know what really is the best solution to this problem i really believe in this factor you guys they have chef crafted dietitian approved meals that are delicious and sent right to your door throw them in the microwave heat them up for like two minutes and voila and factor has meals built around your goals too whether that's weight loss overall nutrition more protein or strength and workout recovery you should definitely check out factor's muscle pro collection every meal is crafted with functional ingredients lean protein colorful vegetables whole foods and healthy fats factor actually bans over 175 ingredients they also have no artificial 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why it's bad advice it's bad advice i'm just still i know it's bad advice i'm just trying to understand like where this where's this person even coming from you know like you get a love and then you get taken care of ah like maybe you've been there done that had the love experience and it's like yeah yeah there's a lot of bad advice and honestly good advice for one person can be bad advice for another person too oh boy that was something that i just thought of so that just blew my mind i can't even think about that next one is he will change for you that's really actually not good that that is actually truly bad advice yeah i think if you're in a relationship trying to change somebody like like you need to be aligned from say you can't date a project yeah yeah dating you certainly can't marry a project yeah i think in relationships you should bend and mold to each other but that's a totally different thing than like oh he needs to do x y and z so then he can be the perfect partner for me never go to sleep angry and then i think this is theirs them saying we've got to think rationally and surely that requires sleep yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna agree i think yeah i think that going to sleep angry is actually okay yeah honestly i never would have said that but maybe in the past few months yes something about being pregnant and like being in the third trimester takes really takes the wind out of my sails for a fight at night i used to have so much wind in my sails at night there's no more wind i'm like you're right now i'm going to bed put my mama to bed right now um so no i think that is actually probably bad advice but we probably got that advice as well someone told me don't apologize because if you do you lost oh boy that's not good yeah if you're going into a disagreement with the goal to win you've already lost i i already have an image of the type of person who would say this in my head and i just really wish i would ever be able to figure out who gave this advice the final worst advice is follow your heart follow your heart um why do i like that advice though yeah no i'm like i think it's good to follow your heart i like following my heart really following my heart too my heart led me to you that's what i'm saying we followed our hearts yeah here we are worked out um let's move on to best advice yeah that's good never stop flirting been together since 14 23 years now and we still feel like teens i think that's good that's great advice i like that i don't know getting a little surprise you get me flowers i think that's cute keep the love the romance alive this one says don't fight in the bedroom that's your place of rest and your body keeps the score oh that's good advice yeah i think i need to apply that that's good this one says love isn't finding the perfect person it's choosing the same person over and over again that's great that's beautiful that's cute totally agree with that one this one says have sex with your husband often everything will be better i love that advice uh next piece of advice says separate toothpaste we share toothpaste often what's wrong with separate what's wrong with the same toothpaste well i feel like a lot of people a common like early marriage fight is like how they what they do with their toothpaste why would people fight about that we i don't know like that was like the whole toilet paper thing fighting about that fighting about toothpaste all of that we've never once we only fought about the serious stuff i'm just kidding and like jokingly i'll get on you about using my toothbrush i don't think we really get on each other about like life habit things i don't really care i do think after 10 years you kind of just give up get over it you know yeah this next piece of user submitted best advice is it's got to be so easy at the beginning and if it's not it's not worth your time i think that's good if you're in a relationship and from the start it's rough things aren't working out might not be a good one i do kind of think that when people have major conflicts early on in dating i'm kind of like oh boy buckle up the only caveat is if life is giving you a lot of hard circumstances at that time and it's not necessarily the relationship that's causing like say one of you goes through a loss yeah like early on in dating that's true that'll make it hard on your relationship but it doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad relationship i agree i think so much of relationships is timing and so maybe that relationship could work out in the future but i think right now you know they're this the person that you're talking to might need to like figure out their life stuff and you know in that season what could bond you really quickly too it could you're i mean i guess if you're obsessed with this person and you're willing to walk through that with them at that time you could probably just speed up that process it would speed up the bonding you're right this one says never vent to your family about your partner i think that's good advice yeah and i think you also need to be careful about your friends too you don't need grandma and your mom like hating your partner because it puts them in a bad position too because like they probably want to speak life into your marriage but then it's like oh but i'm also always in your corner yeah being your mom your grandma you know exactly um yeah you have to be careful you always want to be championing your loved one yeah you know um be with someone who loves you more than you love them that's sweet is it though is that good advice i don't know i don't know if you can measure love like that it's probably best to try to one-up the other person i think it's best to try to be giving in more like i love you more it's like that quote don't it's not about what you can do for your country it's not about what your country can do for you baby it's about what you can do for your country thank you let's apply that to marriage and so i actually yeah i don't think that's actually good advice because i feel like they should say like what do they say oh i think this is a john deloney thing but they're like marriage should be a race to out serve one another that's good and so i feel like that might be like that counterproductive this one says have deep talks frequently so when hard things come up it's easier to talk about them i don't know about that one i don't think you should talk about me i think you should keep it light yeah sometimes when you're having too many deep combos it's like what are we even doing like how about we just talk about some fun stuff you know because ultimately i feel like marriage is a lot about companionship yeah and like being friends and buddies having fun having small talk and just like laughing and being like if you can't have fun together you might want to find somebody else well if you're married we well then you got to refine well i think like you need to know that you can have fun together from the start you need but I don't think intentionally having deep talks often is necessarily the direction because I do know I do know some you know I know couples like that where I'm like oh no they're having another super deep super deep feely thing late night yeah late night feelers yeah the last one says love is a verb I believe that especially as someone that my love language is acts of service I believe that love is a verb show me you love me do you know what that means Matt love is a verb no like a verb is like an action word it's like not a feeling you're taking action with with the love you're doing things you're you're do it you're planning now you're taking a different direction thank you to cash app for sponsoring this portion of our episode a money lesson I'm trying to pass on to our kids is to spend less than they make cash app now offers managed accounts for kids ages 6 to 12 that grow with them all the way to adulthood all with no need because building money habits shouldn't 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to start teaching money habits without adding more stress to your plate download cash app and set up a financial account for your child today for a limited time new cash app customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code family10 to earn ten dollars download cash app enter the referral code in your profile send five dollars to a friend within 14 days and you will receive ten dollars terms apply cash is a financial services platform not a bank banking services provided by cash apps bank partners prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC Cash App Visa debit flex cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC and the bank Corp Bank N A pursuant to a license from Visa USA see terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card Sutton debit flex card and bank Corp debit flex card savings and offers provided by cash app a blocking brand parents and legal guardians can open a managed account for kids 6-12 visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures what are we to say what's good advice and what's bad advice but we surely are gonna say what we think is good advice well really we're gonna just talk about what we personally have learned through our own experience of being together for a decade yeah we each came up with five so we would have 10 things we've learned from 10 years together that's right that's pretty sweet yeah should I go first yeah I'm really curious what you put in yours my first advice is make friends with other married couples your problems aren't unique that was really good so one of my favorite things about having couple friends is that they will talk about the real stuff they're going through in their life and I will also do the same and it's so connective and enlightening to realize oh my gosh my I'm I'm not alone in this like this the hard things I'm dealing with you know when it comes to kids or when it comes to maybe a marriage problem that came up everybody's going through the same thing right everybody is especially when it comes to the newborn stage that can be really tough and I you know I've been able to show up for my friends that have been through some difficult times there and same thing you know on the flip side so I don't know I think it's just very comforting to know that you're not alone it's comforting to know that um I mean yeah just just not being alone is is huge that's so good we I'm actually going to say that that was a deep Convo we had last night so we are hypocrites last night we were brushing our teeth is when we talked about this because when I said like we I didn't say this in like in a like just I was like talking about how important is that community because you realize your problems aren't unique yeah and just like with having like we said a lot of friends are married like talking about marriage and stuff like that so yeah I think it's really important and like things that they're going through things that we've gone through like it's so like it's not like we're having like a gripe session we're all just like down afterwards it's like oh okay I feel like you know it's not it's not all over it's not all lost like we're getting through it we're gonna get through it we can get advice from each other talk it out I feel like we have like it's also nice to hear like oh your husband does that too okay like your your wife does that too okay and something that I told Abby and um being completely honest you guys we've vlogged multiple trips that we've been on before we're gonna you know take a hiatus from traveling with a newborn um we've logged our trip to Tahoe we've logged our trip to um Maui and then we did some social media some some short form videos of our trip to Destin Florida and I told Abby that the trip that I enjoyed the most was the one with our friends because we're all in a very similar life stage and little kids we have little kids that were able to play together the whole time and it was just it was just great like it was I I just really enjoyed getting to hang with other dads we were able to like play board games together like staying in the same house you're like oh we all live the same life the moms would do hot mom walks while the dads would play Catan I call them humid mom walks humid oh yeah those so humid in Florida wow yeah which honestly I think I felt hotter like in Florida yeah with it it could be 82 degrees in Florida but that to me felt hotter than like 105 in Phoenix yeah because of that humidity it's it's crazy it's like you're literally in a bowl soup yeah anyway that was a good one should we take turns yeah okay now now you go up I actually did mine a little bit wrong but it's really it's gonna work out just fine which what's your I'm gonna do well because we said things I learned so I'm kind of just saying like things I messed up yeah that I've like now learned to like try to correct okay so one of the things I did wrong that I've learned is that I didn't prioritize my marriage after starting our family wow and I feel like this is one of those that it's like you hear this advice and then you almost in my experience I just had to live it to know what that was like actually like because the experience of like becoming a mom that identity shift like literally changed my brain so much that I like feel like and one thing that's exactly what was supposed to happen that's completely natural and it's was like you know it's a biological thing that takes place but I don't think I put the things in place to just be like okay wait like the reason we had kids is because we love each other so much and so like I feel like I completely like mentally cut you out of the picture for a little bit there and had to really read like course correct once like the dust settled which is like obviously they there's a time and a place for that because like those newborn babies have such pressing needs they need their moms so much in that beginning time that it was completely overwhelming to me and so I'm not talking about in the fresh weeks but I was like it took me months really to just be like oh my gosh I freaking love you like this is why we did this in the first place and so that was a learning curve and there's even research to back that up so people are saying now that postpartum I guess this I think this has been like known for a while but I think it's becoming more publicly known that postpartum isn't something that just happens in the first you know couple weeks or a couple months postpartum lasts for years literally up to two years from the research that I've done you know that that's how long postpartum lasts it's one of those things it's like you can hear it before but it's really hard to apply until you're in it that's wonderful thanks for sharing that thank you baby I love how you just said wonderful my next one is this kind of goes right along with yours it's do not consider divorce for two years after having a baby I think that's great it's just hard man like your relationship will not be the same after having kids that's true it puts a lot of stress on the marriage and the amount of people that do get divorced pretty quickly after having kids baffles me you know yeah um it's just it can or yeah some people have a really smooth time you know and god bless them god yeah that's great for them great for them but uh god bless america I just I just see it time and time again with people having kids and you can just you can just tell like it doesn't matter you could be doing everything right the marriage is just in a in a tough spot because you have sleep deprivation you have hormones that have changed you have a a new life that is fully reliant on the two of you I should also say that we spent every waking hour together since we got married and then we had a kid and then we were like split you know what I mean like it probably hit us harder too because we like spent literally every minute of every day together always yeah so but that's good that's a good one my second one um is I said lacking humility because I think that um a lot of times when we'd experience conflict I remember like consciously thinking in my head like if I say sorry like kind of like what that person said if I say sorry then that is just that's putting me as the loser and then him as the winner and I just was like no can't let that happen and especially like just thinking of oh my gosh I feel like I always like always say sorry I'm I shouldn't say sorry this time or just like overthinking it it's like okay no if you mess up say sorry and then another piece of advice I got that was really really good that I think is great advice is if you can't say sorry like genuinely like for like for this thing that happened because if you're like okay I still don't think that I did this wrong then say you're then a good thing to do is you can say hey I'm sorry like I feel like I would use the thing like okay last night was weird I didn't like how that went down like I'm sorry basically saying like I'm sorry the situation turned out like how it was yeah and I feel like that is just a really good I think it does the opposite of what I thought in my head I thought I would put you as the winner and me as the loser but I feel like saying sorry kind of evens the playing playing field a little bit like it's like okay because then your your defenses go down where you're like okay she is like humbled herself to say sorry and then for me I'm like that was hard to say and now like I I can now that I've said sorry I can move on and do differently and be better and so I think in general like relationships are I always say like parenting was like such an exercise in selflessness but I think relationships are such an exercise in selflessness but I think relationships are such an exercise in selflessness but I think relationships are such an exercise in selflessness and humility and I think once again humility is one of those things that like as a single person you can only you can only strengthen that so much but being in marriage together and walking through life like completely as one like that that is where you are like truly experiencing humility what do you think about changing yours to say sorry often yeah say sorry often is that do you think that like sums it up I think that sums it up I think that sums it up okay for the records change mine number two all right say sorry often this is the next one that was my relationship advice on always here really yeah I think I heard you say that yeah okay next one is fornicate frequently who's surprised that you freaking said that when that came up in the in the best advice I thought that was hilarious because that was because you're like I already wrote that down I literally wrote that down I think it's good advice yeah I I was trying to think of like a funny way to say it I was like I don't know I give that advice to people often honestly really yeah I do if if you're if you have a friend that's having marriage troubles you're like just do it I don't try to say that give that blanket advice okay but it comes up often I feel like it's hard to have hatred for somebody like after doing that you know yeah it's a practice and it's a practice and it's like a brain reset right it's like you factory reset yeah it's like a factory reset it's like when your phone stops working you're like how do I fix this reset it you know that's actually a really good restart restart it it's a good metaphor I do that when my wi-fi stops working yeah I just unplug it wait a minute and plug it back in and it starts working again this is getting so bad okay my next one is uh this is something that I have messed up in the past I have loved you with my own life love language ah so like I will just do this tangible example of like I love acts of service so then I would like literally exhaust myself break my back trying to give Matt acts of service meanwhile he's not feeling any more loved by it because that's not exactly like how he wants to be celebrated or appreciated and I feel like that was I remember we had this like conversation like probably three years into marriage you're like Abby thank you like I'm grateful that you do these things but this is not like I like words of affirmation and so did you know I just want you to tell me that you love me yeah I just want you to tell me that you love me I want to hear you say it what do you like about me you're like no but I did that and I'm like I just want to know I want to hear you verbally say that you love me yeah and then not even that like you're like what do you love about me like you like I'm like trying yeah yeah you're like you're like can you say one thing about me that you like and then meanwhile on my end I'm like showering you showering me with praise so much praise complimenting you doing everything that I'd want to hear from you I want to say it's not doing anything you don't give you're like do an act of service right now no show me you love me yeah so um yeah and I think that it's really important in a relationship that you celebrate one another yeah but with the caveat of like how they want to be and actually feel celebrated so yeah that was something I definitely messed up and I have learned and I'm still learning we both learned a lot we've both learned a lot I think that's a tale as well this time the whole doing your own thing yeah I think that's a tale as well this time the whole doing your own thing yeah I think that's a tale as well this time the whole doing your own thing yeah I think that's a tale as well this time the whole doing your own thing yeah I think that's a tale as well for someone else even though it's not their love language it's so easy to do though because you're like how do I feel loved I feel loved when this happens so I'm gonna do this it's really like it seems so simple but it's just yeah it can't it's easy to mess up next one I have I think this is on is this our is this number seven yeah this is number seven um continue to date your spouse it's so simple it's you've probably heard it before but Abby and I are going on a date tomorrow night it'll be our first in a long while though yeah we've been doing some travel so it's been hard to make our weekly date night happen weekly has not happened we haven't had a date in actually a couple months but that's fine we've had a lot of good quality time yeah we've found ways like we we were in LA for this podcast like a month ago and we went and got lunch before our flight left and so that was kind of like a little date that we had when you're a parent to littles you learn to just make the most of those things yeah I think that's a tale as well but I think when you date your spouse you really have to be intentional about not talking about the kids or talking about chores or different household responsibilities for us it can be easy to talk about business and work because we work together and so if you are yeah if you've been in a long relationship I think it's so important just to put all those like all those things aside what's what's the right phrase to refer to it um just like the the distractions yeah like when when you're running a household like you don't turn date night into a household meeting night it needs to be just a time to have fun together and talk about something other than household duties or you know if you talk about the kids i mean i love to talk about my kids they're gonna come up they it does come up but i think finding things outside of that that can connect you to one another and flirt with each other you know just making the date night actually fun doing something that isn't just you know you you gotta be intentional about connection together yeah obviously we talk about our kids a lot but usually it's like on date night it's like oh well this funny thing that happened that you didn't know about it's not like logistics of parenting together 100 um another mistake that i have made in the past 10 years together that i learned this one early on i feel like i learned this one actually before we got married okay picking every single battle i feel like that this was a problem because i remember when we were dating i will never forget this you told me that you're like you are kind of like you're like nagging me and i remember being like am i like that was really upending for me i don't really know i was just like i never identified with like being a nag but i like was i was like that's because i was picking every single battle and so i do think that any long-term relationship you learn to just let some things go like that there's an art to that and it's like ah i'm not gonna pick that one i feel like we like let go of like pretty much every like petty argument that we would have experienced in our first year of marriage related to like toilet paper laundry any of the household things it was just like ah yeah we let it go yeah and for both ways because it's like it's not like one of us is like the neat freak and the other is we just have really just become more and more like each other i think and that's just made living together a lot easier i think i agree but yeah i definitely picking every single battle was one i was like yeah i gotta learn to let that one go 100 yeah and ultimately it's because you're like this is my best friend like yeah you know what he puts clothes next to the hamper instead of in the hamper but i'll move it to the hamper for him because he's my best friend no big deal or like you with me like oh she what are the annoying things i do there's a lot i mean i don't know where she clips her toenails on the bathroom mat i don't care about that i don't care about that because she's my best friend yeah i think the weird stuff you do is kind of funny actually what do i do give you some personality i do you've like really evolved as a as a human changed a lot so much looking back at old videos really reminds me of that yeah you've you've really changed and i think it's been cool to watch you become just a a better version of yourself like thank you i think i think the version of you that i have now i think is like the best version yet honestly that's so nice so uh yeah i i've seen you like put in work and you know show show up for me in ways just over the past this past year that like have really meant so much to me so i think i think that you were uh yeah actively like pouring into our marriage and actively just you're a really good mom you do so much for our kids you do so much for me you do so much for your for your friends and our community so um i just see you putting in the work and i feel grateful that i get to be married to you that's so nice i feel the same way i really do nice now this is becoming too mushy gushy move on to the next one thanks well i think that's it was that all no i have another one oh you have one more wait do i have one more you should oh here's my last one we're only at eight number nine for me is it's okay to go to bed angry we talked about this we talked i know two of these two of mine were in the list but just go to bed just go to bed and you're not going to have all the tension that you that you have at 1 a.m built up in the morning but actually talk about it don't just ignore it don't don't just sweep it under the rug like actually have a conversation and resolve but i think if you're just like letting things escalate and you're both tired and and things build then you start just getting into this crazy territory world where you're you're both not in a mentally good spot so yeah go to bed angry it's fine i finally i've finally lowered my flag or raised my flag of surrender um okay my last one is keeping score this one i'm still working on it's so so don't keep easy to do yeah this is things i've messed up and so i'm like learning and i feel like that especially becomes easier as you enter parenthood but it it starts before you have kids and that is something that i like still struggle with it is really hard to not keep score yeah and um it's just never ever ever gonna end up even like one day one's gonna be ahead one day they're gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be ahead like it's just never gonna end up even and then it's if you if you're both doing that it will just always cause conflicts it's the same thing like tit for tat you know what i mean like yeah if you just look at marriage as like i'm just trying to out serve you and you are trying to out serve me that is the best setup for it because we're just both like leaning on each other and it just feels like we're both you know feel so loved so that is something that i can't say that i've mastered even after 10 years so that will be maybe my next goal for the next for the next decade nice um so that were that was the 10 things that we have learned from 10 years together to wrap up this episode this is the part that i was cringing about what so when we first got married we made a video on the wedding night like after we got back from our reception in our hotel room we're still like in our wedding dress and you're in your suit yeah this was july and i was like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i don't even know why we did this because at this point we had never done social media at all like we just did this purely just to have documentation yeah just to have us we have since posted the video um but we made a video for ourselves like for our future selves from the night like from literally just an hour or like hours after getting married and like officially you know being married and it was really cool i always say i'm so glad we did that and i'd always give that advice and i'd always say i'm so glad we did that and i'd always give that advice to other people to just make a video to your future selves like on the night that you like your emotions are so high like your love is so big you just made this big vow and commitment entered into it with so many other people like witnesses present like i think it's a great thing to do that we just kind of did by accident like it was definitely your idea that you like let's do this and i'm so glad that we have it but in that video this is when we say that we really um we really change a lot but in that video we made like a goal for our future selves or like a message to our future selves like something to look on and my goal to my future self was to quote not be so overpowering and dominant wow i want to know context now why did i what happened where did that come from i don't know i guess that's up on youtube like i guess that's how our producer found that maybe that was from some like pre-marital counseling i have no idea where did that come from also maybe i was just being a controlling do you think that i have met that goal you know i feel maybe i still am overpowering dominant that needs to be my refreshing goal for the next decade i mean the the the marriage advice i always get when i meet an old married couple is happy wife happy life so so i don't know be like i just you know if if i'm not married i'm not going to be able to be able to be able to be able to be if mom is happy everybody's happy here's the thing if you would have asked me today like what did you say for your future self on your wedding night i would not have guessed that i'm telling you i would not have guessed that oh i have the turns of table i'm just kidding what was yours mine was to focus on focus my life on people and relationships and not worry so much about business and providing so i think i think for me at that time i was very focused on how to make young marriage work financially yeah and i was like stressed about how we were going to afford rent and food well you also grew up with your like your dad had job insecurity growing up yeah and so you were kind of probably like trying to like you're coming from that background i was like over correcting for that yeah um and honestly i think it's still it's still something that i like i struggle with like this like relentless pursuit of of more i think like the goalposts always move in life and so i think that's still something that's a challenge for me and at the same time like i i something that gets me excited about you know waking up in the morning is is dreaming of different different creative driven individual high achiever i'm yeah i'm passionate about whatever it is that i'm working on in the moment whether it's music whether it's our podcast youtube videos tiktoks you know whatever this mascara company that abby launched um could not be more proud of her but yeah it's just like I it's it's still something that I struggle with because I I want to make sure that I'm like creating space in my life for for for relationships and honestly the I think the best way that that like I've changed to be more people oriented and relationship oriented is just through fatherhood because I think I have such good bonds with our boys and I'm just excited to to be a part of their life as they get older and see how their their passions play out whether it's a sport or something in the arts I'm just excited to be a part of whatever whatever that is for them so yeah I guess I guess what I'm saying is like my my closest people in my life are just my family yeah so I guess we should end by saying what would we like to say to our future selves today for the next decade together goodness yes uh just keep going just take things day by day my piece of advice is I would say really work on just like that companion companionship love like work on being best friends and yeah because I just think the more I learn about marriage and relationships is that like friendship will really carry you the furthest and I feel like so much of our early relationship was just like so much passion and I think that there's like a place for that and I think that there's like a place for that and I think that there's a place for that but I also just think like in the long term like so many life can hand you so many circumstances and that passion can feel shallow yeah but like deep friendship will like I think that will like endure like the long term and like weather a lot of storms so um yeah thank you guys so much for listening get yourself a mascara if you can if the link is there then I think you should shop it and also if you would like to leave a review on this podcast it is so so so appreciated we seriously can't thank you enough we have a lot of hands that help us well actually a few hands that help us with this podcast but they work really really really hard and we are really a tight-knit operation over here so it means so much to all of us when you give us five stars like heart share comment all the things and so I want to read this review from lauren page oh three so so kind it says thank you for your support and I'll see you in the next one bye bye I can relate to both of you so much and that is why I love listening to your podcast watch your youtube videos and tiktoks my husband and I also got married in early 20s living in Springfield Missouri and also experienced a miscarriage in January when I lost our baby this podcast helped me heal and not feel so alone especially with becoming pregnant again at the end of March you guys are amazing and I can't thank you enough thank you so much Lauren and so sorry to hear about your loss but also congratulations on the new pregnancy it's such a hard journey and I wouldn't wish it on literally anybody of course ever ever yeah but we are so happy for you and proud of you for moving forward with this grief that you have now too so anyway thank you guys so much for listening to this podcast thanks for tuning in every single week and here's to another decade together oh yeah here's to another decade baby love you love you too okay thanks guys see you peace 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