Am I The Ally? | Reading Reddit Stories

Kuhdalla. Kun hänly katoa, on helpompi keskittyä olennaseen. Siihen, mikä vie minua eteenpäin. Kun markkinat heiluvat Nordea Private Bankingin asiantuntemus ja oma sijoitusjohtajani tuovat selkeyttä kohinan keskelle, siksi valit sen kumpanin, joka vie minut askeleen edelle. Nordea Pistefi kautta Private Bankingin. Hei Pajari, taas harrastuksiin menossa. Ei lähiboksi, tulossa menossa. Mitä näiden nyt oli emman luistelu, valetti ja cheerleading? Eetu jääkijäko ja hallis- ja piano. Ja vielä vaimon tilamien pakettien moto. Joo, pitää hän se mulla joku harrastesolla. Se on justisani. No niin, no. Postnurd tuomema ilman luoksi. Lähikautpaan kiskalle tai naapruustosi lähiboksiin. Täällä, ja mulla joku harrasteja kohinan kohinan. Oli kohinan, ja mulla joku harrasteja kohinan. Ja mulla joku harrasteja kohinan. Joku harrasteja kohinan. Pankinskaalle tai napuruus tosi lähiboksiin. Our next story comes from M.I.D. asshole. Kun mietin tulevaa, ajattelen minulle tärkeitä ihmisiä. Ja sitä, mitä haluan tarjota heille. Nordea präivät pankinniissä omasioitusjohtajani auttaa tekemään päätöksiä, jotka kestävät aikaa. Näin perheenipysyy askeleen edelleen. Nordea pistefi kautta präivät pankinniin. Hyvää amvarhaista meijo. Huomenta lähiboksi. Mietäs tilaisi tällä kertaa. We listen and we don't judge. Unimaski, kauan milla teitä, kejalka kylpy. Pitkää yö. Pitkää elämä. Noko hyvin. Postnurt tuomema ilman luoksesi. Lähikoppankiskaletta on apurustosi lähiboksi. Se on tuli. Mä hän on jälkeen. Se on tuli. Mä vettä jäin jälkeen 40. Mä hänin jälkeen. Mä hänin jälkeen. Mä hänin jälkeen. Mä hänin jälkeen. Mä hänin jälkeen. No, it wasn't girls with similar to that. It was the show where she has a. who is dating this guy, and then he's like, "Hey, I have something to tell you. "I hooked up with a guy once," and whatever. And then she like can't. - Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. - And I remember watching that and just being like, "Oh, that's so interesting." 'Cause I like, what, why? - Yeah. - You know, but it's just the things that are fucking great. - I think that's why it makes it so scary for so many street men to come out, too. - Totally. - They're like, "Well, that's why I like, "probably why bisexual men are so like, yeah, sucks." - So if you're gonna come out, you gotta do it now. - That's good enough. (laughing) - Our next story comes from "Am I the asshole?" Posted in 2022, "Am I the asshole "for not reacting right to a colleague telling me he is gay?" - Okay. - Okay. - I feel like I could be in the wrong here, even if I don't understand why. To be honest, there have been incidents in the past where I have unwittingly been rude without intending to, and there are some social norms that escape my understanding, which is why I would appreciate some impartial unbiased input and imposing here. One of my colleagues, H, technically I am his boss, not sure if that matters. - H stands for Homo. (laughing) - Came into my office today. I have an open door policy to encourage team members to come forward and share their ideas, so this was not that unusual. H came into my office and said, "I am gay." - Okay. - I thought he was going to say something else, so I waited for him to continue. (laughing) 10 minutes goes by. After a moment, I made a sound of a scent to make it clear I heard him, but he still didn't say anything. Since he was staring at me, I assumed he was trying to convey something I wasn't understanding. Here's where I might have messed up. The first thing I asked, my friend specifically scolded me because this was the first thing I said, was if he had any insights in marketing to that demographic, we work in a marketing firm. He said he didn't. I asked him if he was getting married and needed time off. This too, I have been informed was an asshole's response. He said he wasn't married. I finally said that if he had nothing else, he wanted to discuss. He should leave as I had a meeting starting in a few minutes and needed the office. He left. Shortly afterwards, a mutual friend scolded me and said I was a right asshole for the way I responded to age. Am I the asshole for how I responded? If so, could you please explain what I did wrong, what should have been the right response and how I can fix this? Why do I feel like he's summarizing what the guy actually said? You think the guy went on like a. Just like, "Hey, buddy." Yeah, that. And I need to tell you something. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. There's a lot of fluff. There's a lot of fluff there. But he's saying that the guy walks in just, I'm gay. Yeah. And then kind of. (audience laughing) I'm picturing the meme of the person going. (audience laughing) You know what I'm talking about? They're like staring at each other? Maybe. I probably know. I probably know. You know what I mean, right? I know memes so well. I think the guy, I think O.P. was just trying to like, not make a big deal out of it. O.P. was just like, which is best case scenario for a new personally. Yeah. Do we think that this, I'm curious how out this guy was at the time? Yeah. Is this the first person he's telling? Is there a reason he's telling, is this his boss? He said, he said, yeah, O.P. is this guy's boss? He's a boss. Technically, I am his boss, not sure if that matters. I think it does matter. It matters for sure. It absolutely does matter because it's like a boss. You can't like. You gotta be careful with how he's talking to this person. Yeah. I could also feel like, maybe this is just from working here at Smosh. I'm like, I don't know who's gay and who isn't. Like, I don't know, someone might be out for so long that they're just like, I'm just like, I'm not gay. I just want to say that. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I'm also not gay. We're not gay. We know that. But he might just be like, oh, yeah. Like, okay, he's just taking it on as, I do love the initial like, so how can we apply this to him? Yes, it is. Is this what my business asset is? So how do we make money off of it? He's like being a stage mom? Yeah. We need to capitalize off this, okay, good stuff. I like also like, are you getting married? Yeah. That's sweet. That's kind of sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, you're gay and you've also, you're doing well. Oh, my gosh. That's like, no, and someone loves you. So what are we doing here? Ah, okay. Um. He's like, are you proposing to me? Yeah. What would you do in this situation? Let's John Cunion is this. Well, if someone says, I'm gay to me, like, I'm like, I know. Now what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know that. Yes. So, okay. So what if someone came up to you and said, what if your employee came up to you and I said, I'm straight? I'd be like, no, you're not. Sure. You're like, are you getting married? How can I make money off of this? Yeah. I guess maybe the response that people were thinking he would say is just like, oh, that's great. Cool. Yeah. Nice. I support you. And as your boss, you're-- [MUSIC PLAYING] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [MUSIC PLAYING] Good. Everything's good. Everything's good. So strange. Well, there's no, like, when you're not expecting that. No, totally. What do you do? Yeah, literally, what are you saying? The verdict is not the asshole. No, I don't think so, either. Comments, not the asshole. Isn't this sort of the long-term goal for when someone comes out for it not to be a thing and just business as usual. Someone else said, I can even understand that this is a big deal for me. Can I get a little bit bigger reaction, please? Feeling when coming out to family, but your boss? Not the asshole. I'm not a supervisor of anyone. But if I were, I would have no idea how to respond to an employee coming out to me with no other reason, like reporting harassment. Asking about marketing is a total foot and mouth moment. But that's what happens during those deer in the headlights moments. Lastly, someone said, thank you for trusting me enough to confide in me. As your boss, is there something that you need from me besides my support? That is what OP needed to say. That's too damn much. I'm sorry. That is a lot. Acknowledged what he was just told and figured out if there was a work-related reason he was being told. That is like the text book's perfect response. Yeah. But I understand that some people, like, thrown for a loop, he didn't say anything wrong. He just also didn't give the textbook's HR response. Yeah. These are some very empathic commenters. Oh, yeah. But the problem is when you're reading a Reddit story, you get time to think about it. Yeah. Whereas when you're presented in the moment, you got to. You got to be static. Exactly. Yeah. You have a gay guy staring you down in your office. I'm like, what do I do? Yeah. There's no escape. You get up and run. You're like calculating, can I make it to the door in time or no? He jumps out the window. He presses a button. I'm gay. Oh, that's great. And he ejects himself out of the building. And the gay guy's like, damn, and I'll get him next time. We have an update. He's not gay. They're both gay. Oh, my God. The boss is gay. One year later. Okay. Oh. Shane, you can't read it ahead. What do we think? You have to read it out loud. What do we think? What do you think? I mean, look at it. You have no influence. Oh. That's the good. That's I like that. Whoa. So he was hitting on it. He was, oh. Okay. Whoa. That's a good guess. Because then he goes, I'm gay. And he's like, me too. Oh. And I made the pillow into a diamond. So that's the real update. That's really moldable. Yeah, I didn't know. And now I'm really excited to fidget with it. This is fun. I never really thought I would ever post an update, but I wanted to share the good news. Nearly a year after my junior colleague, H, unexpectedly came out to me at work. He's become engaged to my brother. Not the advice of this forum, I had a follow-up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination. Oh, my God. Oh. We have the opposite reaction. I had a follow-up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination. And to try to understand what prompted his exclamation, it fortunately was nothing major. A month later, my parents finally got the courage to ask Jay, my father's assistant, about adoption. My parents had met Jay several years ago when he was huddling by the side of the road. He had aged out of the foster system, but due to lack of support, he could not get a job and was homeless. My parents had invited him to spend the night, and he has been working as my father's assistant ever since. Jay has been like a second son to my parents for a long time, and after a late night conversation when Jay opened up to how alone he sometimes felt because he had no family, my parents asked him how he would feel about adult adoption. I wasn't there when they asked him, but at the family dinner afterwards, it was very emotional and long overdue. However, as the days went on, Jay seemed to get more and more anxious and seemed to withdraw from us. Nearly a month later, he told us in a shaking voice that he couldn't go through with the adoption because he had been deceiving us. He was gay. Now throughout all his time with my family, Jay had never dated. We all assumed he was just shy or uninterested, so it was heartbreaking to hear that he felt he needed to censor himself and that he thought we would leave him if we knew the truth. It was a painful conversation, but ended happily, and the next day Jay went with my parents to file the paperwork. At that time, my siblings and I were wondering how we could show Jay he had nothing to worry about when I remembered H and asked him if I could share his email with Jay. I had been thinking that it would be good for Jay to have a friend who was out. I never imagined they would start dating and become engaged. Wow. That's really sweet. I did have the thought when his brother came out to him and he was like, I'm gay, he was like, so do you have any marketing think would be good. That's also really funny, just like, I know another gay guy. I give you his email and he's like, for sure, and then they got married. That's why. Wow. It's pretty funny. Did a good job. Yeah. Wow. He's better than grind. Because I'll say a lot of people that used to be a thing was like maybe like a while ago. But when I used to talk about being gay with people, they'd be like, oh my god, you need to meet my friend. And the friend would be like, so not for me. Like, we were not a match at all, but the only two gay people that person knew in their life. They're like, I had the perfect guy for you. What does he like? Well, he's gay. End of list. Oh my god. But it sounds like he did a good job. He did a great job. I mean, he didn't intend to, he was trying to set him up. He was just like, oh, like, sure, help you out. You feel alone, so sure. It happened to me in college and it was like probably a year after I came out and it had never occurred to me that anyone in the world would ever come out to me. Yeah. You know, I was like, it was cool. That's awesome. Yeah. I felt like that guy was cool. Yeah. What was your approach? Like you kind of just like get to like say everything that you either liked when someone said to you or just hoped that someone said to you. And then you just get to like do it for it. It's very cool. And then later in life, another friend of mine came out to me and it was fantastic. Because you just, you get to, you get to tell people the, like, the thing you needed to hear. And it's amazing. Come out, come out to me. If you're in the closet, come out to me. I mean, Jerry, I have so much good stuff to say to you. If you want to. You have a billboard next to the highway. Just like, call Jerry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool. I think that's such an honor to be someone that thinks someone trusted you. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's a really cool thing. But I understand in a workplace and as a boss, you're trying to like, okay, let me navigate. Especially at work. Yeah. Going into their office. Yeah. Damn. What if that guy, he clearly is like prophetic. Like he's like, I need to come out to my boss so that he hooks me up with you, your brother. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. Sure. Nice. So he does have marketing strategies. Yeah. I'm the strategy marketing. Yeah. Yeah. Our next story. This comes from Am I the asshole? Am I the asshole for not telling the nurse at my niece's school about my profession? Say no more. My niece's nice nurse. Yeah. Yeah. I, a 29 year old woman, was supposed to pick up my niece Sophie, who's seven, from elementary school and spend a day with her. It was all mentioned before to the school and I've picked her up a few times before. Sophie was running towards me, but she tripped and fell down. Her knee was bruised and she started crying like crazy. I took her to the nurse's office immediately. The nurse was in her early 20s and helped Sophie with cleaning up her wound and dressing. I tell my niece a lot about my line of work so she asked me if she was going to need stitches. If so, how many and what kind, etc. The nurse was impressed. She showed Sophie a few items of equipment she had and asked if Sophie wanted to be a nurse like her. Sophie said no, she wanted to be a doctor like her aunt, aka me. The nurse got a bit upset and asked me why I didn't say anything about this. I was honestly confused. I was like why would I need to even mention it? I even threw in a compliment saying she was quite good at her job and I enjoyed witnessing a professional at work. She said I was being too generous with my comments. I told her I was being honest and thanked her for taking care of Sophie's knee. Right when Sophie and I were leaving, she said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues. I thanked her again and said I appreciated her help. She said I still owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was testing her or deliberately trying to see how she was doing. I apologized and said that's not what I meant and that I knew she was more than capable of doing her job well. She said maybe I could find a way to make it up to her properly and I was like sure but Sophie and I need to go now. I don't know if I was rude but this had me thinking. Should I have told her about my job? I loved this person wrote this all out and didn't see the signs. Also which one's gay, who's the gay one? Oh my god. That's like to write that out and just be like yeah anyways. And then the next like watch if there's an update it's like so we went on like five dates but I don't know if she's gay but anyways like we're figuring it out. We only have we have a couple comments. Someone said LOL she's flirting hard and you're oblivious. Oh he said I can certainly see it now. Honestly this is embarrassing. Someone said you know what you're right. You're right. This is going back to the previous story. This is a really valid time where it's just like no you shouldn't just say I'm gay. Yeah just say that times just in case. I'm the gay nurse. It's me. Hi I'm your nieces gay nurse. Yeah. Yeah. I work at the school again. Someone said poor Sophie is going to have to take one for the team and go down so you can meet the nurse again. Oh that's cute. He keeps getting hurt. The nurse is like hey can you get injured again? Yeah. Someone said LOL well you can maybe send her flowers as a thank you for Sophie's knee and see how that goes if you really want to take her out for a date. That's good. She said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I looked better than most of my colleagues like well well you're pretty hot for a doctor. Yeah. Those doctors are gross. Yeah. You're hot. I do think the I I owed her for not telling my job and that it felt like I was to be like oh you owe me that that feels like very flirty but yeah definitely. Yeah yeah yeah. I would pick up on that and I'm bad at picking up. I know yeah. Although honestly I kind of didn't pick up on it reading just listening. Really? I'm hearing it now and it's all very clear but I think we're reading it with the context of like it's an am I the asshole post. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Oh she pissed her off but like here like putting those words aside and then picturing the context I'm like no this feels like this one. I'll also say there are angry flirters people who like totally they're madness or like the when they kind of like bite at you is them flirting like they're actually mean it's like very elementary. Yeah I do recall I think there was a time I think there was a case yes I'm not lying here where talking to some talking to this girl from like that I'd known back in elementary middle school she was like oh I thought you were cute and I was like you were an asshole to me but I was like oh that's it was that's what it was. There's also like prime sarcasm era. Oh like no like the the odds were just sarcasm yeah so it's like if you like someone it's like I got to show you I'm the most sarcastic person in the world and it's like oh so you just hate me yeah but that seems like this person's maybe a little sarcastic a little bit like yeah um update oh first of all thanks for your lovely comments on my original post I appreciate every single one and I would like to thank everyone who took the time to give their input on the situation as you could see in the original post I was absolutely clueless during the whole interaction and missed the flirting part altogether so I took your advice asked my sister to let me babysit Sophia again and picked her up from school around 10 minutes before school was over I went to the nurse's office with a bouquet of flowers and thanked the nurse for taking care of my niece's knee and asked her if I had the opportunity to make up for my rudeness from the last visit thankfully she agreed we went on a date last night it included it included a late evening walk by the beach and dinner by the end of the night I showed her the post and I think it is safe to say she was as amused as every single one of the commenters and she can barely stop teasing me about it so overall thank you so much for your comments and help while she came out to her as a redditor yeah that's that's really that's pride and that's okay the last time the OP has updated her reddit account they've been dating for seven months oh my god love his - That was two years ago, but that's for us time we got an update. But maybe she's like, "Okay, you know what? We're together, we're happy. I'm gonna stop getting on Reddit." - That's great. - And that's growth. - Wow, that's beautiful. - So, wow, damn, so not the asshole, not the asshole. - No. - No, in fact, just a little bit oblivious. - Just stupid as fuck. [ Laughter ] - Just a dumbass. - Okay, wait. - Her niece is like, "Dude, why aren't you so stupid?" - Yeah, see that? - Her niece is gushing blood from her niece. - Ah! [ Laughter ] - Okay, our next story -- - Let's do it. - Comes from the subreddit, "Rant." This was posted in 2022. They write, "Have to get a paternity test done to prove I'm not the dad of my friend's baby, even though I'm gay." I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this entire situation that's unfolded in the past six weeks. I, a 23-year-old man, have a coworker, Robert, who I've been friends with for four years. Pretty much since I started working at the factory, I'm still in. Robert, who's 32, just had his first daughter, Chelsea, who's two months old, after four boys. The boys are dang near carbon copies of him. Bleach blonde straight hair, freckled skin, and I swear to God, they were just born with tans. His high school sweetheart, Wife Danielle, who's 32, is a tight-curled redhead with freckles for days and burns like there's no tomorrow. Their daughter from the jump had a full head of red hair that's already starting to curl. When I got to meet her, she was two weeks old. I gasped. A fellow redhead myself here with long curly red hair and said something along the lines of, "Oh, my God, it finally happened. The red is alive, just being dramatic and funny." Robert goes, "Yeah, don't bank on that staying. My jeans are strong, after all." Danielle rolled her eyes and I shrugged it off as a weird joke at first, but the entire time I was there, he pretty much kept going on about how his jeans would prevail. Jump forward, Chelsea is now five weeks old. For three weeks, every single day, Robert would be complaining about how little of himself he sees in his daughter. How much of a stranger she is for it. That's some days he thinks he's looking at another person's baby. He only ever seemed to want to complain to me about it as it was. After the fifth day in a row, I started trying to explain how genetics work, pretty much saying jeans aren't going to always drastically go one way. Three days ago, Robert came into work just itching for an argument with everyone. Our mutual friend Jesse asked him what his deal was on our break after he shouted at another friend for asking a work related question. He blew up saying he knows Chelsea isn't his, that his cheating whore of a wife just won't admit it, and he knows exactly who she was fucking around with. He then looks over at me and points at me and yells at me to get my ass outside. I asked why, and he starts screaming he's not stupid. He knows I've been trying to kiss ass to avoid his beat down. I'm gay, I have a male fiance, I have pride stickers all over my car. Outside of work, I am a parrot of colorfulness. I just couldn't help but laugh at him. It was just so bizarre and I know I wasn't the only one looking at him like he was insane either. I told him Chelsea is literally half of Danielle's genetics, that Danielle isn't a fucking incubator for his genetics and asked him why he was so obsessed with their kids needing to look exactly like him. What's the point of that? He wouldn't answer and just kept telling me to get up before he dragged me out to the parking lot. I told him I'm not going to fight him on something this ridiculous and asked him if he was trying to get fired. He starts demanding I take a paternity test and again, I asked him if he was completely serious. He said he was because I spend so much time with Danielle. He's not necessarily wrong, but she's a part of the girlfriend group I'm part of. There's five of us in total. We do artsy stuff, trying new places, just hang out and do whatever but never stuff like that. I told him to go take a paternity test for himself. He argued that he's not paying for a test he knows the truth to. I told him I'm not paying for a paternity test and then asked which redhead in the factory he was going to accuse next. The exchange ended when our shift manager came in for a break. I texted Danielle and told her exactly what happened. The next day was my day off. So my phone was on silent and I slept in. Woke up to Elliot, my partner, getting off the phone and telling me I should check my phone. I had been bombarded with dozens of messages and missed calls slash threatening voicemails from Robert because Danielle had kicked him out. He decided to get Elliot's number out of Danielle's phone to tell him his version of events. I'd already told Elliot the night before so he was just baffled how certain Robert was. Danielle did text me a few times, apologizing on his behalf and then updating me. They were getting a paternity test slash she's filing for divorce that she has no idea why he'd think such a thing. My partner thinks it's hilariously sad Robert destroyed his marriage like this. This morning while getting ready for work, Robert texted me saying he has the money and when the test comes back with the truth, he'd f me up in court for what I've done. How I've ruined not only his life, but his kids' lives and everyone in their family's lives too. Elliot really has gone around telling everyone I'm the dad. I agreed to the test and told him he may as well quit his job and just vanish after this because it's gonna be real embarrassing when I walk in with the paperwork and wave it around saying I'm not the daddy to his red-headed child and he has to explain to everyone including his own children what an absolute idiot he is. Our friends have been giving me the cold shoulder all day. Pretty much saying yeah, they don't think I'm the dad for sure, but I'm a trash friend for going straight to his wife and getting him thrown out of his own house and being forced to sleep in his truck and that I should have just agreed to the paternity test to begin with instead of stirring up drama and getting unnecessary people involved. It's one thing if he decided he wanted one for himself, but he expected me not only to get one, but pay my own way and just not say anything, but yeah, I'm the trash friend and trash person I guess. Robert's family is doing nothing but slandering Danielle and I'm being mocked for having the reverse version of a beard. Like when a man uses a woman as a cover so people don't know he's actually gay and it's causing issues now with Elliot's family because their logic is well, they wouldn't be so sure if there wasn't proof. My family is 100% with me and knows I absolutely have zero interest in women. Even if I did, I'm not a cheater. - Woo! - Wow. - It's a doozy. - What is going on? - I love the idea of ending that with M.I. the asshole. It's like, yeah, so this guy threatened to beat me up and I didn't do anything. - Did I do some wrong? It must suck to be that kind of stupid. - Yeah. - You know? - I need to know what's going on in the marriage. (upbeat music) - What is going on? - Yeah, but like, sometimes people are stupid in a way that's like kind of joyful and like awesome. Like you don't know stuff, so you're kind of like oblivious. - Why are you like me when you said that? - No, I'm just, I'm just looking at the stuff right now. - I just met you, but look, but this guy's stupid in a way that's causing him torment. - Yeah. - He doesn't understand genetics. So he really is just sort of a-- - Ever heard of a Punnett Square bitch. (laughing) - Sorry. - But also this guy is an absolute asshole for thinking that only saying his genetics will prevail, that's a crazy-- - That's enough to really be like-- - So weird. - I'll get away from it. - You're like a supervillain. - You are literally a villain. - I'm built different. - Sounds like, he sounds like Sauron or some shit. - Yeah. - Oh, he definitely has bad friends as well. - There is also a really scary, straight type of narcissism that makes the leap that someone around you might be pretending they're gay to hurt you. It's like, have you ever experienced something like that? No. Like, I think maybe it's happened to me once where a friend's boyfriend may be doubted that I was gay like with my closeness to his girlfriend. - And it's like, I don't know how else to-- - Yeah. - It really just-- - I know, it really makes you stop and think. - I just had a memory come back of in middle school during gym class. I would like hang out with the girls and we'd be doing like cartwheels and stuff and be like doing dances and shit. And I remember the guys you just always like watch me and be like, he's doing it again, he's doing it again. And then they'd bring me over and they'd be like, you're so smart, bro, you're so smart. Pretending to be gay so you can like do cartwheels and hang out with the girls like that and I'd be like, yeah, pretending to be gay. Wait, what? But that seems like a fun dumb person. - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. - Like he's like, oh, great. - He's like, oh. - He's so smart. - He's like, that's good dumb. - Yeah, you can get to do sleepovers and they spend the night at your house and stuff. I'm like, yeah. - Yeah, why is that? - Yeah, it's a type of stupid, but it's a combo of stupid and insecure. - Yeah. - And it's really dangerous or like, truly. But a lot of guys are just so incapable of like, I don't know, they're just so insecure that any guy around their wife, it's like, you're trying to sleep with my wife. - Yeah. - And then they just can't. Then they also are like, it's just kind of a combo of homophobia and sexism and all this stuff too. It's like, his wife has no agency. Yeah, yeah, he's not talking right for that. And it's all like, oh, it's Wi-Fi, like, what does she feel like about in this situation? >> If he did call her, yes, the sexism comes out very blatantly then, but yeah, no, this guy is awful. Comments, everyone is trash except you, your fiance, and Danielle. Do you live in Trashville? I take precautions in the sense that you may need to get the authorities involved if he's going to go nuclear. At the very least, I would have touched base with your company's HR unless that doesn't exist. Someone said to that, this, this guy could easily try and get you fired because when your test comes back negative, he will be very embarrassed and might act even worse than he already has. If the company doesn't know what is going on, his behavior could get you, him, or both of you fired. Protect yourself, OP. If the company doesn't have an HR department, you go to your manager and/or the person who runs the business. If it's not one of them, they can tell you who it is. There's always somebody responsible for handling these issues, even if there is no official HR. I'm so crazy that this is a co-worker too. Yeah. No, this is a work in a factory. They work in a factory, but they're also, he's also part of the friend group of his wives. Like, there's a very interconnected ecosystem. Someone said, what the fuck is wrong with them? Dude was trying to street fight you and basically ruin your relationship, but you're trash for telling your friends something that definitely would have gotten back to her. He was calling her a whore and smearing her name, just disrespecting their vows and entire marriage. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with him? Why wouldn't he want a mini version of his wife when he has so many of himself? My siblings look exactly like my mom and I look different, but no one accused my mom of sleeping around, especially since I resembled my dad's great aunt. Dude just doesn't understand genetics and I hope he takes a test for himself. Otherwise, he'll ride around town looking for more redheads. Lastly, someone said, I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone's just feeling bad for the guy because his life has been uprooted, but he did that to himself. His poor wife, though, five kids, including a newborn, and this guy freaks out because the daughter looks like her mom, instead of him, what a fucking waste of oxygen. Good for her for finally standing up for herself. Whoa, I can't wait to try to win an argument by being like, I have pride stickers all over my car. Yeah. And he's like, those are just a trick to get to my wife. Anyways, moving on to our final story. I think this one's going to be a little bit of a different tone. This comes from today I fucked up, okay, it's posted in 2021. It's like, my name is Robert. Oh, I made Robert and I made a whoopsy. Today I fucked up by ruining my boyfriend's company wide meeting. This actually happened a few hours ago and I am writing this outside out of fear of going back into the apartment. The iconic and viral clip of a mother storming in on her children and asking which one of them didn't flush after using the toilet has been a cornerstone of my boyfriend and I's relationship. Today, my boyfriend took the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, shit in the toilet. I don't know. I think I've seen this. But sounds hilarious. Okay. Disgusting. Okay, I know that phrase. Today, my boyfriend took the largest poop I have ever seen and I mean largest. It wasn't even broken into pieces, one long continuous poop and while he might have tried to flush it, it did not work and ended up greeting me in the face when I too needed to take an incredibly large poop. Out of pure humor, I barged straight into my boyfriend's work from home office and in my best and loudest Scottish accent said, did you take a shit in the flush, disgusting? The intention was to laugh with my boyfriend and for him to come and see how it didn't flush correctly. Instead, his face went completely white and jaw dropped. He was on a video call with not only his boss, but his entire team. We normally have a little sign to put on the door when we are in video calls, but just like how he maybe forgot to flush, he forgot to let me know he was having a company wide meeting where he was presenting. And then his boss was like, are there any marketing strategies to help out with the poop? First of all, I just want to say congrats because a full log is a good, that's sign of a healthy colon. Yeah. Fiber maxing. Yes. With pointed ends, is it most ideal? No. We didn't. No. Pointed ends. You want? So it sounds like they're doing everything right. You know. They're doing a great job. So that's good for the team to know that he's healthy, he's ready to work, so maybe they know the video, maybe they know the reference video. Maybe. Yeah. Oh, you're cool. They're like, ah-ha-ha-ha. Promoted. Yeah. Had you guys have any embarrassing Zoom call or big shit stories? Have you guys ever seen a huge dumb story? This video gets posted, you're like, oh, the Pride Red Story. It's just a huge dummy red zone. - You're gonna have to question more, you're gonna have to. - Huge, huge shit. - You know what I got, right? - Rainbow shit, that's my job, Zoom. The first Zoom I ever did, it was a show, it was a Zoom show, it was a Zoom comedy show. - Oh cool. - And I was learning how to use it in that, for that show. - Sure. - And I was being explained how it would work and how when to talk and what to, and then, so I would just do my stand-up set. And I thought I understood and I start my set into my laptop at home and it's like, March 15th, horrible. And I'm saying my jokes and then I'm just like, okay, this is fine. Like, let's just say it like a monologue looks straight into your computer and just keep saying the jokes. You're not gonna hear any laughs and you'll just do it and you'll raise money and that'll be that. And then about five minutes into my set, I finished a joke and then I hear laughter. And I realized I was supposed to be hearing laughs the whole time, I was just bombing. For the first five minutes of my set. So that was tough to kind of hear that laugh and then realize in real time. And again, it's like March 15th. - Was that your first time ever doing stand-up straight into a just, of course. - Yeah, that's something. That's, if stand-up, it's like, amazing that stand-up could only be harder. Like, it's already like one of the hardest things to ever do. - And I'm like, literally standing in the thing and like, I got the hang of this. It's just like a teleprompter. Just so you can read it. - Yeah. - I mean, all of it was just needed. - Yeah. - But also the audience, for the audience, this is also something so new. - Yeah. - Like, I'm watching stand-up remotely from like. - From my house. - Yeah, yeah. It's just not a conducive environment. - Not a lot. - And thank you. - Wow. (laughing) - And thank you for missing your flight to a hold space for me. (laughing) - I remember with Moongoon, we were still writing shows at this time on Zoom. And the way meetings would work, we will follow the fun and we'll follow Bits in person. It's very easy to follow the conversation. But on Zoom, it's just too many voices at one time. It's just like when it's 14 people in a writer's room. And you would have to learn kind of when to unmute yourself just to laugh to be like that's funny and then unmute yourself again. - I know. Brutal. - Brutal. Anyways, some comments. Someone said he left you a present. Can you just be grateful? - Yeah. - Oh, he said this made us both laugh. Thank you so much. (laughing) Someone said, what was the reaction? Opie said, I had to regain my composure and go for a walk. He is incredibly embarrassed but can't really be mad at me. It's his fault for both A, not checking to see if it went down and B, not letting me know. He was on a conference call. I am somewhat nervous that he is going to try and get me back for ruining his company wide reputation. I think I need to find another place to take my video calls. Something I didn't mention, however, is that we are both men. Lastly, someone said, well, he needs to learn to take care of his shit in one form or another. Then this wouldn't happen. If he has really learned his lesson, he will buy a poop knife and remember his sign. Opie says he is most definitely scarred for life and now I know what I'm getting him for his birthday. Thanks for the suggestion. Legendary Reddit, poop knife. - What is a poop knife? - You both don't know this? - No, I wouldn't imagine, but people are using this? - One of the most famous Reddit stories of all time. It's from 10 years ago, is this girl's dating this guy. He eventually visits the girlfriend's family and he asks, hey, where's your guy's poop knife? And she's like, what? And he's like, yeah, we have a poop knife. My family has a knife in the bathroom for cutting the poop. Cut the shit, you know what I mean? - He thought everybody had poop. - But, when does he get poop out? When does he-- - Is he butterfying it? Has he been-- - Why is he cutting the poop? - Oh, like sashimi. - Just to get it down. - He's julienning it. - Yeah. - Oh, all right. - Yeah. (laughing) (laughing) - I hate that. (laughing) Anyways, so that's that. - Whoa. - Yeah, yeah, some fun Reddit. - Yeah, you know. - I don't like poop knife, shame. - I'm sorry, it's not my thing. - Yeah. - It's a Reddit thing. - Okay. - This does remind me in the mornings, I am gassy. And I will FaceTime my family because we're in different cities. (laughing) What's up, Dad? (laughing) You gotta hear it. You gotta hear it. So we're all on FaceTime. We'll be on FaceTime for like maybe 30 minutes. - Well, we're not all engaged all the time. And I'll be walking, I'll be making a coffee. I just woke up. You know, it's different time zones and stuff. And I will burp and then my niece in like a very like kind of six year old way will like scold me. And then my parents kind of get in on it. And then I'm like, I'm in my house. I'm alone in my home. Let me burp. And I'm like, oh wait, I am on a call. And it does make me think about like, you know, who's like, >> I wish we had a ref here, like what do you guys think that I would? That's interesting. >> Am I allowed to burp in the privacy of my own home? >> Well, if I'm on a FaceTime with my family? >> Yeah, I think so. >> I say no. >> No. >> You say no? >> I say no. >> Depends on the context of the conversation. >> If the conversation is like, yeah, Grandma's not doing well. >> Oh my God. >> It's like, yeah, sucks, like, if it's just like a casual conversation, that's all right. >> It usually is. I guess depends on the families. Some families have a poop knife. >> Yeah. >> Some families don't burp. >> My family doesn't burp. >> You guys don't burp. >> Damn, all I do is burp and fart. It's crazy. >> It's a lie. >> It's weird. >> You're a shrek ass. >> You know what I should? Like, yes, for whatever reason, yesterday, I farted in my bathroom. >> Yeah, girl. >> Ew. >> You shouldn't fart in your bathroom. >> I farted in my bathroom and it occurred to me, I guess the acoustics and I heard it. And I thought, my butt isn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. And I like heard my butt fart. And it was like, because you know, you feel shame for farting and for burping and like, oh, it's pissing you run off and I'm gross, my butt doesn't know. >> No. >> My butt's just a sweet little butt and it just farted. >> My God. >> I have no idea that anyone's getting offended or hurt or, it's just like, I'm sorry. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> It was kind of nice. >> Oh, well. >> A moment of empathy for my butthole. I think my butt knows that's why I don't. >> Yeah, since you don't, it's like a wear of itself. >> Don't worry, just this is what I have. >> But it's so good, yeah, it's so good. >> Well, on that note, thank you both for joining. >> Thank you, happy pride. >> Hey, happy pride. >> Yeah. >> What? >> Happy braw. >> Oh. >> You don't like that? >> You could say that. >> I, I can't stop you. >> No, you can't. >> Thank you for coming on this journey with me today, boy, it was a roller coaster. >> All sorts of stories and thank you all for watching and we'll see you next Saturday. >> Goodbye. [MUSIC] >> Disney+ is out there now. >> We have work to do. >> Let's go. >> [FOREIGN] >> Yeah. >> [FOREIGN] >> There's something going on. You're not allowed to go to school on the streets of Bahulean. Are you kidding me? Well, now you know it. And life time of great stories! The story of the story of the story of the story of the story of the story of the story The story is about to begin. 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