am i bad at making friends?

[Music] Hey everyone, welcome back to Teenage It Therapy. I'm Gayao. I'm Thomas. I'm Kayla. And welcome back to another episode we have video about. What up what up? Hi! That's good! This sudden burst of energy. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I've had a very stressful week. The week is over. The weekend is here. And I'm here for it. We're ready to live it up. Yeah. And the weather has been really nice lately. It's gonna get really cold. The spring is coming. Really? Yeah, it's gonna be like 65. Really? Seriously? This week it's gonna be like 65, 64. Really? That's like 7 or 7. I know. And that's California winter. I don't know. Do you guys like us? Be honest. Oh! Let's get ready to do it. Yeah. Sometimes we feel unlikeable. Sometimes we feel likeable. I feel like our perception of ourselves is really wrapped. Like warped. Very warped. Do you guys think you're a likable person? I have felt my entire personality and life around being a very likable person. And recently I've been questioning it. What how? What inspired me? So I have just been doing some self-reflecting. And I have noticed that I'm not as great of a person as I think I am. I pride myself on being super sweet and outgoing and just a people's person. But I've noticed that I've ghosted a lot of people on accident. People make plans and sometimes I don't follow up. And so that has just kind of making me question. Am I a likable person? Or why do you say likable? I don't know. Just. I don't. I feel like you can be a likable person but still ghost people on accident. I know. But I think I'm not as likable as I am in my head. Because I think of myself as a super likable person. If that makes sense. Yeah, that's why I'm like, why did you choose the word likable? Because I feel like if you're just talking about like, oh, sometimes I go to people, it's the kind of like, am I like a just, you know, flaky person but you chose likable. So is there like more to it? I choose likable because I do everything for other people. And I've made that a personality that no matter what happens, I'm always going to respond to plans. I'm always going to follow up and I'm always going to do this for someone, say this to someone. And so. And it's all because I want to be a likable person. And now that I'm not doing all those things anymore and I'm starting to not follow up with people, with plans and stuff. I question, am I the likable person I am in my head? Or why aren't you doing it anymore? I don't know. I would say I'm busy but even then, I can always make the time to send the text or whatever. And I just don't have the urge to. And it's never the other person. Because I like being with them, it's just, I don't have that urge to make plans and hang out. I get that. Yeah. Maybe you're just running out of your social battery because you used it up the last year. I did use it up quite a bit, yeah. So maybe we're just taking some downtime. I could see that. Because I mean, to be honest, I go through those phases where I don't really hang out with anyone for maybe a whole month, maybe just once. And that's it because I just. I just don't feel the urge to, so I don't make plans, I don't do anything. But then when I do feel plans, I'm like, oh, let's go. I don't know. I think maybe using likable isn't enough. Likeable and social wall. That's what I'm getting out of here. Yeah, like are you social enough? Yeah. Because I love being around other people. I'm very extroverted in that way where I just, I hate being alone and at like spending time with other people. That just hasn't been the case. And it feels weird, but I'm embracing it. I'm trying to recognize that I don't have to be that person so that I can embrace this new these new feelings and not and like alleviate that pressure. Yeah. That's good. I think last year I was going through sort of not an epiphany, but I was just thinking more of, you know, am I likeable person in my social? Because I think we talked about it once on the podcast. So during that time, I just I wasn't really likable person because I wasn't making the effort to, you know, reach out to my mutuals or grab lunch or whatever just because I just, I didn't have the energy to. I didn't have the urge. And it just wasn't something that I was like, I really wanted to do. But I think that's more, is that sociable or likable? That's sociable, right? Yeah, I guess so, but I think because of that, I probably thought I just wasn't as likable because I wasn't putting myself out there as much. But I think I've sort of reached the conclusion. But I've just noticed that the times where I do make friends like in my classes, it's friends that I can see like me actually getting along with. And like I would actually want to go out to get lunch with them. And it's so crazy because I feel like that doesn't happen a lot. And so when it does happen, I feel like I can really just be myself. And during those times, I feel that I'm a likable person. But it's just doesn't happen often. So it's like, give a size of these people, how do other people view me? Yeah, I feel the same way where I feel, I think I'm a likable person, but because I don't feel as sociable as others, it makes me question why that is. And if that just means I'm just not a very charismatic person that I thought I was. Because I'm like, I feel like I can get along with everyone, I can talk to everyone, but I'm like, who do I actually enjoy hanging out with? And I think when I think about the people that I actually enjoy spending time with, the pool of people narrows and gets really small, which is what makes me question, why is this pool so small? Like, it might just really selective, it might just not, I don't know. You know, like it's like hard figuring out who you vibe with. Yeah. Do you think you're selective with the people you call friends? I think I, I don't know if I'm selective because I definitely love making friends and hanging out with people in at least once. I think everyone that I meet or that I'm mutual is where I try to hang out with and talk to at least for a little bit. So I think I'm very sociable. It's just hard to actually find people that I would want to keep doing that with, that I'm actually like, okay, like this is great. Let's keep hanging out. And I feel like that's what makes me doubt like, what is that? Like why does it seem like everyone else gets along with people so easily and like are having lots of fun and they make friends and they genuinely enjoy their presence. When for me, it feels like that's more of a rare thing. Like I'll see some of my friends just be like, oh my god, I love this person and I love this person and we get along so well and I had so much fun with this and like it's like six different people at once and I'm like, damn, like you met all those people and you hang out and like get along with all of them. Like how that just seems crazy to me because I can meet like 20 different people and be like, maybe like two or three people I might actually enjoy. So that's my issue that makes me be like, damn, am I just boring? I get that. Yeah. For me, being sociable is a quality of being likeable and I think that if I'm not sociable, then no one's going to like me and I built my kind of life around that. And so just coming to terms that I don't have to be this super outgoing person for people to like me is an adjustment I'm trying to make. But yeah, I can feel about it though. Like it's a big switch. I don't know. It's weird but also it feels good because I'm shy and I don't think people realize that because I am very outgoing when I am but I don't like putting myself out there. But on what like one-on-one conversations, I can really vibe with someone. It's just I don't know. It's been weird. But it's been good because that pressure to just keep conversations going or paying out with this person just because they asked me to. It's not as heavy. And I can put more time into people I actually want to hang out with and more time into myself. But yeah, I don't think people would think that you're shy No, and also I'm I'm shy, but I'm not shy If that makes sense yeah in the right environment I am not shy I can strike up conversations with people in the elevator if I wanted to and I have done that like a lot of times but I don't know I do get quite shy sometimes and when I get shy I get really shy and I just won't talk Yeah, I do forget that sometimes I'm like like you see I see traits that I thought like a Lot of times I see traits That is what I originally knew you buy like it's like this shy like just shy slightly awkward Kid nerdy a little bit, but I think since you Of course as you grow up you like develop style you have your own taste It kind of doesn't fit the stereotype of what a shy person looks like Because stereotypes And so then every once in a while I remember like oh way like you really is shy like he's a shy person He's not like gonna go out there and like do all these things. I'm like oh damn and it catches me off guard because I totally forget No, yeah, it catches me off guard because I just I Get random moments of it It's not all the time, but it comes and goes you know It like that kind of brings up another thought that I had recently um and I was journaling about this feeling of Feeling like I don't Like there's this illusion of myself that I have like this Persona that I present to the world versus who I actually am I think I try to present this persona of someone that's very outgoing and sociable and confident and just friendly and energetic but I think in reality I'm very quiet very relaxed very just Kind of reserved reserved honestly. Yeah, I don't really I feel like I live in my own bubble when I go Throughout the world like I'm just in the real world. I'm just in my own bubble in my head and I don't really feel the need to ever interact with anyone that I don't need to or that I don't make a goal to So if I'm going out to get a grocery store to a grocery store or heading to a class or walking around like I don't feel the need to Interact with people at random, you know, I'm like in my own head and so whenever But when I actually do make it a goal to of like I know I'm gonna meet a friend or do all these all these things. I like I'm like okay, so I'm gonna be Social and vibrant and energetic, but I'm like is that really me then like who actually am I like I don't know It kind of made me question if I'm just Faking this persona because I think that's what you are supposed to come across versus who I actually am naturally So I don't know I've been trying to be more naturally myself and if that means like being quiet or just Whatever in my mean at the moment to just do that instead of trying to like Yeah, it's hard because first impressions matter so much. Yeah, and if you're shy to begin with It's hard for people to want to get to know you That's what I kind of have to start off strong and then let them understand that there's more to it Exactly like I think that's the thing is that when you're making a first impression on someone there's this pressure to be really social-born really energetic and smiley and That's what's seen as friendly and likable, but if you're kind of just You know a little quieter a little more calm that scene is like, oh does he not like me like why is he being like that? You know, which kind of sucks. It's like You don't need to be so and jumpy all the time. Yeah Yeah, and this is going into another topic, but I Feel that one thing that has kind of been upsetting me is that there's not a lot of settings For people to just talk to each other either like spark up a conversation, especially in our generation I don't see it. It was their freshman year, but I think that was because that it was the first year back from being online and Everyone was just so excited to be back on campus that everyone was just talking to each other this year. I don't see it and Makes me sad because I find myself Trying to talk to someone and they don't reciprocate They're not interested or they're like way wise this person like complimenting me and talk like I feel like our generation has gone so That's the word introverted not it's not introvert I guess introverted, but They All live in their own bubbles and it's not natural When someone kind of just Strikes up a conversation just because they want to see that's what I mean and we immediately start thinking what do they want for me? Yeah, like what do you need but I just like talking to People so I don't know that's what I mean like I feel like I'm in that bubble where I'm just in my own world and if some like like there's dialogues that you go through like oh, you know Thank you. Yes. No like if you're a grocery store. Just thank you. That's it. You know Dialogue like that. It's like we're all on autopilot so when someone actually breaks that and it's like oh I like this I like you like what are the it's like I Don't know how to react so I usually try to end the conversation as quickly as possible because It's weird. I don't know. It's like this awkward adjustment of slowing down to actually process what the other person said you I think like Reminds me this week in my class we like had um these Like self-personality test or whatever and we were like in our groups in one group But like a person from a group there is saying how like they hate small talk and they hate when the lift driver tries talking to them They just feel like it's meaningless blah blah and I just felt so bad Like I felt so bad just knowing that like a Lift driver is just trying to talk to them about their day or how their classes are and they just feel so Anointed by them and just being so sad for this Lift driver's eyes don't even know but I just it hurts knowing that you know like they they don't have a lot of tension You just want to strike up a small conversation for four minutes like it's not it's not such a big deal You know, but I know that like that's just some people's personalities, you know, they don't like talking to other people, but still I don't know what's easy feel bad. No Because I remember a tick-tock blew up about how Like they hate it when the Uber driver starts talking to you like it's a service like I'm paying for you to just drive me and I was like Like this cries come on guys. That's let's let's be better, but I love Going to the grocery store or like coffee shops and Talking to the clerk sometimes it's like my favorite part about just Grocery shopping is cuz I just get to talk to someone and it doesn't have to be that awkward because it's kind of expected for you to have a conversation with them and so Yeah, like I love talking to Uber drivers And any chance I get to just have a conversation with someone I enjoy it and I don't think that's Natural in our day and age. I think I'm I want to be More like that. I want to enjoy small talk more because I definitely always feel like I don't have the energy to it Like I think I'm a really quiet person and a lot of times I'm just like I don't really want to talk I don't really want to like say anything For some reason I just feel like I don't have the brain capacity, but I want to do it more because I Just feel like it's a good thing because you never know what could happen out of it Like I want to be more sociable in general Whether it's like out and about like in your community like in your day-to-day just talking to people I think is what makes you feel like you're part of a community especially when you start talking to the same people So yeah, I wouldn't like to do that more and just like I Give you're at a restaurant asking people like what do you recommend? Or I saw this TikTok of this girl that went to this ice cream place and There's tables outside and there was just this table of like 18-agers eight college students and she just goes up to them and it's like Hey, hey, that looks really good like what flavors that what do you recommend? And they're all looking at her and they're like oh strawberry She's like okay, thank you, and then she orders it. She's like this was good and she's like let me go tell them It's like hey that flavor you recommended. It was really good. Thank you. And she's like oh, yeah, you're welcome And it was just like you know like I thought that was so Heartwarming I don't know I wish I could be that boy that confident like that. Yeah, cuz you realize you can just talk to people Like everyone you can just talk to like there's no I think Americans feel like there's like this barrier almost At least young people of like don't talk to anyone don't bother them But you can just talk to me. Yeah I'll know what I want somewhere like I know my order by asking what their favorites are just Just to engage with them And it's, I don't know, it's nice. Yeah. But it is unnatural because I've been on the other side. And whenever people just start talking to me, I kind of get caught off guard. But I think we just got to start normalizing it. And just-- - So that's what I say. - Let's just talk. (laughs) It can't just people off guard, and then they rush through the interaction. I think we all could just slow down a little bit. - Yeah. - I'd be like, "Oh, shit, you're talking to me." - Yeah. - I think it just 'cause it's so new and unfamiliar that a lot of people get anxious. So they just rush through it. - Yeah. - That's definitely me. - To reach the end, you know? - And I hate it 'cause after every time someone talks to me in a way that wasn't expected, I rushed through it. And then afterwards I'm just like, I think I might regret that. Like I wish I would have sat with what they were telling me and responded in a more meaningful way than just like these auto responses. - Yeah. - But I think that, yeah, that, I guess straight a little off topic, but that kind of has to do with being a likable person. - Being social, you know, like with people like Karrie's Matt. - You don't have that environment. You need that environment to be social sometimes. - Do you guys think you're charismatic? I think so. - I think at times I can be. But not, I don't think it's one of my core traits. - To say the least. - Me too. I feel like it's maybe like 10% of the time. Like in specific settings, specific mood. - Yes, specific settings and specific moods, I can be charismatic, but besides that. - I think I try and make it like 80%. It's not always there, but I'm always trying to be. Like, you know, you know those people in your life that you just feel like you're close with them really easily and they just make you feel like, "Oh wow, I feel like I'm really close to you "even though we don't really like, "know we should have like that." I wish I could give that same effect to people, but I don't think I do because I think I'm very like closed off. Like for one, even with close friends, it's not like I have a lot of physical contact and I think physical contact like helps make you feel closer to someone. Two, I don't really say a lot of words of appreciation or like, you know, like I have some friends that are always like, "Oh my God, I love you so much. "I love you, bye." And I like never really do that at all. And so I feel like all those things just make me seem like, I think in my head people have this impression or my, I feel like I make people constantly question like, "Does he like me? Does he not?" You know? - Yeah. - Because I'm just not expressive about it. - Like how do you show it then? - You don't. - I get all. - Literally. Honestly, I think I show my appreciation for friends by the things I do for them. - Access service? - I think I show it through acts of service. But I wish I showed it more through like words of appreciation or like physical touch and stuff like that. But yeah, I think acts of service is how I show my lots of people and friends, which is a lot more subtle perhaps. - Yeah. - I love acts of service. - Okay. - I do. - That's Thomas's lowest level. - Yeah. I don't, I take it off or grand in. - Yeah. And like knowing that, I'm like, that makes a lot of sense. And I shouldn't take things so personally. I'm like, okay, that makes a lot of sense. - Wait what? - Act of service is just not for me. Like if someone doesn't act of service, okay. If I do an act of service for someone, it's really an inconvenience for me sometimes. And I'm just like, oh no. But everything else I love, that's crazy. I'm a quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation. And it shows with my friends, because I feel like whenever we're with our friends, we just are constantly just reassuring each other how much we love them. Like everything was happening out. It's crazy. But yeah. - Yeah. - You see like, - It's definitely something to adjust. - Yeah, yeah. It's something to work towards. It doesn't just happen. - And like, I don't know, I felt a little bit, not uncomfortable. It just felt new in the beginning. Like hugging every time we saw each other then hugging every time we loved. - Like always, doesn't matter. - Yeah. - Always like, - Literally like a 15 minute meet. We're just hugging when we meet and we hug when we leave. And it's just, it's something that I had to get used to because, I mean, we don't really do that, you know? But it's, it's, I don't know. I have a newfound appreciation for it, you know, just small actions like that. - Yeah. And I think the people that are able to do all that are a lot more charismatic in my opinion. 'Cause they just like greet everyone so warmly and I feel like I greet people so coldly. You know, you know? - What? - You kinda get that. I kinda see it. - Okay, actually. - You're not like enthusiastic about it, as much as like maybe some other people, you know? Yeah. - Yeah. - But is that something to really change or is it just something to like embrace? - I think I would like to change it. 'Cause I don't even really feel fulfilled by it. I don't think I do it because of like, that's just who I am. I think it's more of a mental block. 'Cause every time I leave, I'm like, yeah. You know? I think for me it's the opposite where I just gotta embrace the fact that I don't have to be that person and take it down a notch if I don't feel up to it. Yeah. - Yeah, I feel like I don't think about it too much. It's more so like if I'm in the mood than yes, but if not, then no, and that's okay. But I never really try to push myself to be like extra charismatic or extra this. It's more so just, okay, I'm feeling it than yes, but not that, oh well. - Yeah. Yeah. And you know, charismatic doesn't necessarily mean energetic. I don't think either. Just warm. And so that's okay. - Oh, okay, so that's what you mean by charismatic? - Yeah, just very welcoming. Like, 'cause you could, you know, it means like greeting someone like, you know, maybe very, maybe very gently, but with like a warm hug that's just like, you know. - Oh, and I think of charismatic. I thought you meant like, like, flirty. - Big smile. - Yeah, big smiles, things like that. - And it could be a lot of things. - I don't just, just like the energy they are able to bring. That's what being charismatic is to me. - Yeah. - Yeah, just make you feel comfortable. - Any of you guys are charismatic? - At times. - I really try. - I try really hard to be. - Yeah. I think it just does not, does not work. Yeah, so I guess that I'm trying to be more, quote unquote, likable, which I'm starting to define it as being myself. And trying to be myself a lot more and not putting this pressure to be, - A real life. - Ironically, yeah. I'm trying not to put this pressure to be attractive or likable or anything, and just kind of being myself. - Me too. - Yeah. - Anyways. - Let's start it for this episode. - Yeah. - A lot of questions or a lot of self-reflection. - Yeah. - Yeah, let me know. I'll put a poll in the comments. "Do you think you're a charismatic person and why?" Or "What makes a charismatic person?" One of those. What does it feel like? What does it look like to you? But thank you so much for listening to this episode. We really appreciate all of you. You can follow us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and @teanagetherapy. And someone asks, "What's the Instagram of our personal accounts?" 'Cause I think a lot of people still have no clue. - Really? - Yeah. - You can find it through the TT Instagram, but just look at who we're following. - Yeah. But Guy O A tour ad Thomas van on the score. - It's a Taylor Swarris. - It's Under Square Thomas van. - Yeah. - Under Square K-Liswarris. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We can't get rid of that Under Square personally. - That's so sad. I love having a unique-- - I know. I don't like my Under Square. I wish I didn't have it, but it's there. I just-- - I thought it matters. It just bothers me. - No, I get it, 'cause it's not as clean. - Yeah. - I love it clean slate. - Okay. - I have it on every platform too. @Gai-O-A tour. @Gai-O-A tour. @Gai-O-A tour. Although, to be honest, it's like off topic. So if you're done with the episode you're done, but I don't know how to pronounce my name. - Huh? - I honestly don't know, like, I want to say my first name. Like I honestly still don't know what-- - What do you mean? - Like people are like, "How do you pronounce your name?" - I just say whatever. I feel like at the time. Like I don't-- - What are the pronunciations? - It's like gay or later? Gay or later? @Gai-O-A tour. @Gai-O-A tour. You know, I-- - Yeah, I never knew how to pronounce it. - Ador, like, a tour. - I said a tour. - A tour. - Wait, is that us? - I don't even say it. - What, what is that Spanish name? - A tour. A tour. - Yeah, 'cause I was like, how do you say it in Spanish? - A tour. - I thought. - I thought. - I thought. - I just call you Gail. - Yeah. You see, that sounds really natural to me. - Gail. - Yeah, like the way you-- - Yeah. - I think the way Thomas has my name sounds the most natural. Out of a lot of like the names I have. - It's just, it is, I don't know. - Yeah, and I don't know why. And I'm always like, like Gail, like, hi Gail. Like even when I refer to myself, I'm like, "Gail, what are you doing?" - Stop doing that Gail. - You know, that's so funny because today, I was thinking like, I wanna change how my name is spelled. - Really? Where's Zuko? (laughing) - Yeah. - So that's just Changer I don't even, right here. - Like, Caleb, like same, same, like, we're not saying. - Same pronunciation. I just wanted to be spelled K-E-I-L-A. 'Cause my mom's spelled it like that, and my family Mexico spells it like that. Because that's how you like spell it in Spanish and it just got changed when I was born because my older sister was like That's nice. Spell it. She's gonna get me fun of like that Yeah, basically because she's saying like they're gonna pronounce it wrong. Oh, yeah, cuz in Spanish it's Kyla. Yeah, exactly And I was like I want to change it like I really like how that one is spelled more is just more you need You know I was like can I like should I change Cool, it's cool right? Yeah, it's a lot more unique. I love it. I love unique. My name is just Thomas. I wish I had a more unique name, but it's Both my first name and my last name. What about your middle? Touch I mean, I feel like that can be cool Too ethnic for him But oh no, I can't I've never used it like I Don't feel a connection with this. I just wish my name was easier to pronounce Because I'm like I think a tour I settled on a tour not aator. I'm like okay a tour But I'm like hi everyone. I'm Gai-O a tour or just everyone. I'm Gail a tour not a sense on right I'm we so do wait so when you introduce yourself do you say Gail or Gail? Gail Hi, everyone. I'm Gai-O a tour, which is something I like But I love to get nicknames. Yeah, hi. I'm Gail but because that is how you say like just Gail Yeah, I am Gail and I think it's easier to get the hang of them guy L because every time I'm like hi. I'm Gail Guy what and like this like how you spell that you know, they because like I am Gail G-A-L-E Yeah, my middle name is Spanish or Basque origin meaning to have good fathers or meaning father and on good Oh I just mean that would be a good father. Oh I recently saw a beautiful boy Good I've rewatched it like made me cry a few times It's cute right? Yeah, it was cute. It was awesome. Yeah The relationship I know it's so it's I just I don't know. I was I was thinking about that. It's so crazy that Your parents are in this case like His dad loved him so much that he just kept on trying and trying and trying and that's so insane to me because I just feel like I would not receive Yeah, you know, it's like okay one time and you're done You know, it's like even before that Literally literally so it's so insane like it seems unfathomable really that But somebody I don't know it's so beautiful. It's so gorgeous. Yeah So rant no, it's true. I don't know how we got here, but guys These are the bloopers the afterthoughts. Yeah well, I mean when he like Wait, can I say when he like what spoiler? Oh spoiler when he When he took the drug himself like the dad understand how it would feel for him Yeah, I was like damn I bet he was high bus fuck to track cocaine though and have an excuse like Loki No, I just wanted to do literally I know he was like, yeah, I'm sure this would help. Oh, they didn't do shit I don't feel it I don't I don't get it. Yeah, it's so you I Love them well anyways, if you have stuck around to hear this little Rambo should Kayla change your name to Kayla leave it down in the comments should Guile pronounce his name is Gayo Should Thomas go by his middle name Well, thank you for listening. We'll see you in the next episode. Bye. Bye